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falling-stars-and-open-scars · 3 years

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03/01/2021: About Me

Hey. So, I’ve kind of already done something like this before, but figured I’d update. This isn’t your traditional “get to know me”/ “about me” post so if you want to make one yourself, feel free to copy. While I do not intend on going into any graphic detail, I will put a Trigger Warning/Content Warning here.

Who are you? Tell me about yourself

I go by Star

32 yr old, cis female, United States

Straight

Currently a veterinary assistant at a spay and neuter clinic

Currently going to school for Health Information Management so I can eventually become a medical biller/coder

In a relationship; boyfriend of 7 years [and yet it is complicated]

I have two orange male tabby cats that, while they can be little kitty brats, do give me a sense of joy in life.

No, really…tell me about yourself

292 pounds at 5 foot 6 inches tall (this is the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. It is not a good feeling)

Harmer of self since the age of 15, with periods of recovery/non-injury

Hating my body/self since I was extremely young [maybe 7 years old; I remember writing in my diary “I need to go on a diet” or “On Monday, I start my diet”; without any realization of what it means. But always felt like the ugly duckling and was always about 20 pounds heavier than the other girls in my class/age-range]

Wasn’t really allowed to date while living with my parents [I lived with them until I was 24 so you can do the math there….didn’t have my first kiss until I was like 22, didn’t have an actual intimate relationship until I was 23/24]

Never been officially diagnosed with anything; despite an episode of harm which landed me into the emergency room and then to a mental health facility (you’d think they’d diagnose me with some kind of *something* while I was there but…nah. It was basically, show up to group and be nice/quiet and if you want to leave you can since you voluntarily came here. I stayed for a day and a half, expecting to get help but didn’t really get it other than “you need to learn to communicate with people and people need to take the time to hear you speak”. And that day and a half cost me almost $5,000 and I don’t have insurance so ofc I’m not going to stay longer. I was lucky that they had a financial aid type thing and that I qualified; they basically wrote off the debt and all I was responsible for was the ER visit and paying the doctor to patch me up). Still, it would be nice to know EXACTLY what’s going on with me mentally [Am I bi-polar? Do I have an anxiety disorder? Am I on the spectrum? Do I have BPD?]

What’s your trauma?:

Emotionally neglected child who grew up into an angry and depressed teenager

Essentially forced to become a third parent/default babysitter to my siblings [one older sister, two younger Autistic brothers] at the age of 8, as my parents didn’t feel they could trust my sister to care for us, but trusted me.

Harmer of self since the age of 15.

Ideation of disordered eating between ages of 13-16 [again, I remember looking into Ana and Mia and writing in a diary that my goal was to “become Ana”].

Sought approval from father by being a “good kid” and never getting into trouble and trying to get nothing less than perfect straight As in all my classes from 10th grade [sophomore year in high school] onward.

Sought attention from older men, since boys my age didn’t like me and were terrified of how intimidating my father was (like I would be 16-18 and chatting with guys 20-28 years old; one guy coerced me into phone s3x at the age of 16, he was 26 and a member of my church who has had a reputation for doing this to young girls but nothing was ever done about him).

Currently an unhappy, socially awkward, adult who is trying very hard to make a 7 year relationship with an alcoholic work but am also talking with another man who lives over 1,000 miles away [it started off as very “mature”/”adult” talking and has now regressed back to “get to know you”/”being friends first”; he has stated that he is not interested in pursuing women or a relationship because of his own hurt and break ups but also is not opposed to the possibility of a relationship at some point – seems very indecisive about what he wants or is trying to appear guarded but it’s starting to weaken the more often we talk]

I’m basically chasing after external love and approval that I’ve never properly received while also not loving myself.

Why are you here on Tumblr?

To vent, like most people here. To express my thoughts and feelings that no one else really cares to listen to. To get better. To get worse (it’s kind of weird, like….I want to write down my thoughts and feelings so that I don’t keep it bottled up and end up hurting myself again and yet….I seek out triggering things; maybe because deep down I think that maybe if I get really really bad someone will notice….someone will finally care about me…..) To maybe help someone so they don’t end up like me. To be a “big sister” or other type of support to those who need it.

What do you want to say to the people reading this/following you?

You deserve better and I’m so incredibly sorry that the people in your life have let you down so much. You deserve to have the hurt in your heart and in your mind fully healed. You deserve a chance at life. You all are so young and you do have potential to live a good and interesting life. I know it’s hard to believe, I know it’s hard to see your self-worth or to even think you have any worth beyond what people can take from you; but you ARE worth it. If you want to recover and heal, I hope you’re able to do so and offer my support and wish you the absolute best. If you’re not ready to recover (I’m sure as f not), then I can at least sit with you as we slowly work on bettering ourselves. I know I’m just some old random bish on here, but I do worry about you guys – especially if you go offline for days/weeks/months or if your account is no longer active. I want you guys to be safe and happy. I want that for myself too. And we will have it….one day…..someday.

And just so we’re absolutely crystal clear: I will NOT be your coach. I will NOT encourage you to get worse [and any and all negative content or “meanspo” is directed towards me and ONLY me]. If you’re looking at my blog and thinking that you can ask that of me, I’m very sorry but you are wrong. I like to live by a certain motto: “Do no unnecessary harm unto others, be it Man or Beast.” And if you can’t get on board with that, then maybe it’s best you move on past my blog here. Don’t get me wrong, I offer you much love and support and hope you take the chance to get better and live a good life; but I will not enable you. I will not degrade you nor encourage you to get worse. I will not look at your young life and think “Hm, ya know, I had to suffer with some unnecessary bullsh*t; time to spread it around! Let’s toughen these kids up! If I had to suffer, so do you!” Seriously, F that mindset. That’s not my deal, that’s not the vibes I’m trying to send out into the world.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I hope that I can be an ally and source of support for you. If you’ve read this far and feel like maybe my blog isn’t for you/it’s triggering or upsetting or whatever, you’re absolutely allowed to unfollow. I want you to do what is best for you. I’m not about that “tumblr fame” or whatever bullsh*t.

I’m just a broken person trying to make a broken world a little less broken.

Thank you for reading.

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dramatrashh · 3 years

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[UNREQUITED LOVE 2021 SPOILERS]

I'm loving it tbh. And I love both the leads. Sheng Huainan is a nerdy cutie pie and Luo Zhi is a nerdy and a confident cutie pie.

These are some of my thoughts up until ep 10.

number 1 being WHY DOES SHE LIE TO HIM ON THEIR DATE WHERE THEY'RE HAVING LUNCH?????? That was so wrong. I can understand that she wanted to lie about the triple chopsticks thing because if she said the reason she would be exposing her crush. BUT she lied to him about her habits as a child? And I know that they were talking about their childhood and it might not be a big thing BUT lying to him just to make him think that she's like her? Or to appease him? Is so wrong. He would definitely like her even if she didn't lie to him about all of this. But I can also understand that she wants to become closer to him. But that's not the right way to do it. I just hope she doesn't do it anymore. I think Huainan would be really sad to know it because all he wants is a person that is in sync with him, but a person that is in sync with him while being themselves, he definitely would not like the fact that she lied. Not to mention that he already was not sure about their relationship because he thought that she did everything on purpose.

2. JUST WHY DOESN'T SHE TELL HIM THAT SHE'S THE GIRL FROM HIS CHILDHOOD MEMORY. I know it means A LOT to her. She has apparently been clinging to the memory for 15 years and it was the start of her crush. But they were children, it is very normal that he forgot most of it. I literally don't remember almost anything of my childhood, except some random moments that make 0 sense *cough*though I don't know if I'm qualified to talk because I can't even remember what I ate this after noon*cough*. Besides, he told her the memory was precious to him and he kept it in his heart. I think that was quite enough to tell him she was the girl from back then. Did she not tell him just to make him think that she also thinks "uncomplete romance is more romantic"? I really hope that wasn't the reason.

3. Why does she feel inferior to him? I don't understand this. She seems to be very confident and her grades are on an equal level as his. She is just as knowledgeable as him, if not more. So why?

4. I know Baili is most probably going to end up with Ge Bi but I really hope she can move on. He doesn't deserve her at all. He's practically been using her all this time. I don't understand why she doesn't want to give up. Maybe it's because their relationship has been like this, has been so one sided since the very beginning. But she really needs to get herself away from him and focus on herself. She just deserves so much better. She can leave a man like Ge Bi to the other girl whose name I don't remember and I don't even care to remember. She compares her relationship with Luo Zhi's crush but they're different. Luo Zhi isn't in a relationship with Huainan. And besides, (I feel a little rude saying this but it has to be said) she should have some dignity and not cling to him when he doesn't care about her at all.

5. I really really dislike that girl with short hair that shout-talks. In the beginning I even found her cute. I didn't dislike her up til she invited Luo Zhi to dinner and made assumptions against her character and talked bad about her. That wasn't alright of her but one could let it pass considering her emotions at the moment. I thought they would end being friends though. My idea died at the end of the ep where she picks up Luo Zhi's diary from the bin (WHY did Luo Zhi even threw it away like that. By the things she had written in it, I would probably burn it before throwing it away or I would hide it somewhere in my room but NEVER throw it in such a public place(maybe I've seen too many dramas lol)) and actually scratched her writing out like that. That's when I realise she is OBSESSED with Huainan. And I know Luo Zhi's crush could be considered as an obsession of some sorts too because she has most probably stalked him around and all. But I REALLY SUPER DUPER UTTERLY EXTREMELY disliked that scene where she purposely throws water on him. Everyone laughs? How could they laugh? It must have been so uncomfortable for Huainan to have a girl sticking to him trying to wipe the water she purposely threw on him. That was soooo not fine of her. I felt uncomfortable through the screen and I cant imagine the character living that multiple times apparently. Also, she's confessed and got rejected if I'm not mistaken? Then girl it's time to back off. He doesn't like you, it's quite simple to understand. Not to talk about that other girl Mingrui has a crush on. She thought Huainan liked her because she thought that he liked her posts on weibo? Is it normal nowadays? Like is a like considered some kind of subtle confession? I really hope not, I really really hope people don't think that irl, just please.

6. I LOOOOOOOOVE Huainan and Mingrui's friendship. They're so cute and understanding of each other and super supportive. By what I'm guessing Mingrui is going to be developed a second lead (there's already some foreshadowing) and that is going to be painful. I really hope I'm guessing utterly wrong here (let me live in an illusion until it doesn't happen). Mingrui is such a good person and he deserves better.

7. I was a little hesitant about all of Huainan behaviour when he found out that Luo Zhi had a crush on him and the way he thought she was lying and all that stuff. He was wrong (until that lunch date at least) because she had never lied to him and a crush is a personal thing, it is Luo Zhi's choice if she wants to reveal it or not. But it was understandable why he was being like that because he had been always approached for various reasons, everyone around him had a motive to be close to him and he was quite tired of being used like that or being liked for his looks. And he thought Luo Zhi was approaching him because of that too.

8. Last thing. WHY, JUST WHY did Luo Zhi not tell him that she was the one who wrote the answer to his question on the wall? Hiding your crush is obviously your choice; hiding the childhood thing, I can understand you to some extent; but this? WHY? why would you hide such a simple thing? I hope the answer to my questions will be revealed slowly.

That's all for now. I really want to make some cutie Huainan gifs but I wanted to use YT because it has high quality but it has not been released there yet so I'm waitiiiiing. As I am waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiting for the next Eps.

#unrequited love #Unrequited love 2021 #Luo Zhi #Sheng Huainan #Zhang Mingrui #Jiang Baili #Hu Bing Qing #hu yi tian #Zhang yijie #Mikan ryu #Cdrama #Drama rants #chinese drama #chinese actor #chinese actress

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itsjusta · 3 years

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March 1. (Mon)

my damgos were idiooots i had 2!!!! grrrr issa da first one was so sad and scary doe cos there were 3 of us in a room. it was me, mom, and a friend but idk who doeee and naa nisulod nga gunman tas gipusil niya sila duha and si mommy doe kay critical and grabe ang awas sa dugo so ako gihiktan sa cloth pero grabe na ako hilak doeee :(( and gitawagan nako si daddy doe but wala sya nituo iya rako pasagdan huhu and gitawagan tka doeee tas nianhi ka but u didnt help doeee u just left doe :((( i was so hurt doeee issa i felt betrayed cos wa gyd mo nitabang and mommy was dying doe :(( tas atong nakasakay nami sa tricycle going to hospital issa na see pa gyd tka sa dalan and gitawag tka but nag meet up man diay mo saimo uyab wth doeee i just cried a lot doe i was so scared na mamatay si mommy and i was alone HUHU and nakamata ko doeee and naa na gyd tears sako eyes :((( naka cry jd ko in real life huhu dat was so scary and so sakit doe!!!

da 2nd damgo also an idiot doeee cos kaslon na daw ko doe but di gyd ko gusto cos young paman kooo but daghan politicians nangadto doe and daghan gyd people naa pa gani ka hahha idk who’s my groom doeee but before ko nisulod sa church kay nang hangyo ko sko friend nga itakas ko doe so gikuha namo car ni Unabia and we drove away doeee HAHAHHA but then i got konsensya doeee luoy au mga people so ana ko balik nalang mi but i will explain na di gyd ko magpakasal doeee!!!! issa gi chat pa gani tka ato dayon doe i informed u nga mubalik ko aish but when we went back issa ang groom napd nawala doeee hahahah idiooot!!!

dis was a kapoy day doeee nag do ko smol acads lang then nag sleep lang and watch2 kdrama and tv heheheh i also realized na 9 months nata bulag omg?!?! so fast ang panahooon 🥺

March 2 (Tues)

issa an okay daaay langgg doeee issa 8 kapin ko kamata so early doeee aish so i hd iced coffee chour!!! issa nag acads pd ko hehe also nag gmeet mi ni claire for our midterms doeee and issa ordered mcflurry and fries yummy doe hehehe just watched tv with mom lang dayon after doee!! nag play pd ko codm with friends but kadjot lang 3 games laaang hehe and balik lang dayon ko room mom doeee tambay lang ko while watch sya tv heheh

March 3 (Wed)

issa an okay day lang alsooo doeee but dugay au time now!! issa after lunch i wanted to sleep doeee but so igang in my room and naa pajd ga videoke sa silingan and my mind also active aissshhh 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ issa watch nalang ko movie and then nag do midterms with claire doeee hehe

issa amo midterms doeee kay murag mag interview mi about samo personal problems jd doeee shy ko tell kay claire sako problems like sa family doeee and kato self harm aishhh ikaw ra baya nakabalo ato doeee :((( but its okay aishhh for da grades and issa klarye raman pd doeee i can also trust dat idiot heheh i also talked about our break up doe naka cry ko laytch uy!!! hahahah

when mommy arrived issa watch pd ko rv saiya room doeee

also i’m like an idiot doeee gi mute baya tka sa ig but sge ko adto saimo profile to see if naa ka story?!?! and maybe if naa dayon ma hurt dayon ko HAHAHHA issa so tiring to be an idiot 🤦🏻‍♀️

March 4 (Thurs)

i dont like this day doeee heavy ako heart since pag wake up and cry ko a looot and overthink ko a looottt 😔 just an extra hard daaaay today!!!! so hard to pugong the tears doeee 🥺🥺 (wrote dis before u sent pa dat msg doeee omg very emotional day gyd!!!)

issa sayo ko ka sleep gahapon doeee mga 11 hehe but aish 10 pa nag start naman ko sleep doe cos sleepy nako and bored na au ko doeee sleep nalang ko but my mind so activeeee many ko think nga sad tots issa idiot mind making me cry a litol!! hahah issa 11 na nuon ko ka sleep 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ issa wake up pd ko 7 kay naa ko class doeee issa not nice ako sleep uy issa ga damgo2 ko doeee and my latest damgo was classmate ta doe and di ka ga bali2 saako like imo ko gina avoid doeee issa idiooot bahala ka uy!!!! making me not feel good huh!!!! even when i woke up issa not ko feel good bcos of dat hmppp issa heavy ako heart pag wake up today!!!

issa ordered pancake and iced coffee from mcdo doeee palibre ko mo ako gi eat after class then nag do dayon ko isa ka activity heheh issa mga 10 am dayon nag walking mi sa dogs outside doeee kami pretprot and babas but mga 5 mins lang cos init!!!

issa cried pa more in the afternoon doeee issa mag nap unta ko but aisshhh my mind is thinking of a lot of things doeee :((( i feel like a lot will change doe and changes scare me doeee :(( i feel like u dont want to talk na doeee cos idk issa lahi imo vibes nooow murag feel nako gaka pugos rakag reply hahahaha and it makes me cry cos cutting off commu is going to be a big change gyd but again, i know nga if the time comes, i will have to accept man gyd and i know that time will come doeee but even if i know nga muabot doe kay its so sakit gihapon doe and its so scary :((( das why thinking about it doe just makes me cry hahah and aishhh i feel jd doe dat youre tired of talking to me HAHAHHA i even went to mom’s room doe para di nako cry but cry man gyapon ko uyyyy idiot

u know i’ve accepted najd doe nga di gyd ma return ako love and effort saimo but sometimes issa it just hurts so much doeee to not receive it back and days like these i ask for strength jd doe nga makaya nako ang kasakit 🥺🥺🥺🥺 (dis was before pa u told me to cut off doe omg issa strong gut feeling jd)

anddd yun na nga issa nag ask najd diay ka mag cut off and aisshhh it was scary gyd doe and sakit but no choice :(((( it’s for the best gyd sguro doeee cos maybe i’ll get in trouble and maybe mag away pd mo doe ion want u to be sad doeee if u get away :((( u know gyd na i will always kaya everything basta its for ur happiness doe 🥺🥺 i wish u only the best doeee even if kailangan mulayo ko saimoha doeee hehehe thank you for calling me!!!!! don’t miss me too much ok!!! bleh!!

if u feel overwhelmed na gyd with acads u can chat me ok!!!! and if u want to learn to edit vids doeee inshot is a good app heheh

March 5 (Fri)

issa woke up before 9 doeee idk why nga 1 naman unta ko ka sleep 🤦🏻‍♀️ grabe kahubag ako eyes doeeee so idiot huhu issa i saw pd irian’s tiktok when i woke up doeee cos i went man to ur profile issa u look good and happy together doe 🥺🥺 you guys are bagay doeee and i like seeing you laugh in the vids doeee issa makes me happy na inana ka ka happy 🥺🥺 i want u to be happy lang uyyy no no sad!! i pugong na not to cry doeee cos i cried a lot na kaayo gabii and my eyes so big naaaa but writing dis issa makes me cry a litol hahahha issa when i see raba stuff lyk dat dugay kaayooo mawala sako mind doeee unhealthy mind mani but aish im practicing gyd not to think about the stuff i see about u guys 💆🏻‍♀️

anywaaay today is day 1!!! ahhahah char 🥺🥺 im scared doe but idk alsoooo im just really thinking na its needed doe 🥺 im doing this for you gyddd doe cos i want u to have a happier relationship doe issa u know i would sacrifice a lot for ur happiness heheh i will also do this for myself doeee i will try not cry a lot and miss u alooot ok but i think gonna be hard esp the first weeks doeee so dont kasaba me if i cry a lot ok!!! :(((( u know i cry easily hmpppp

alsooo doeee my new tiktok is: displaylangsatiktok.a

u cant follow gyd me diay doeee its ok ako nalang gi public ang vids doeee im shy hahah but para ma see nimo doeee and unfollow nalang pd tkaaaa para not sya maka see sa ako profile okayyy but idk doe im shy man uy maybe ako ra i friends again issa di ka maka see aishhh bleh

i had iced coffee at 9:30 am doeee hehe i divided one medium iced coffee sa mcdo into 3 para mulast sya 3 mornings cos u know i palpitate if i drink a lot of coffee doeee hehhe at lunch time we went to laguidingan doe kami mom and daaad hehe we uban pretprot and babas kay luoy man pretty if sya lang alone 🤦🏻‍♀️ issa chivas doe sge pangaway sa mga dogs outside nya mga big raba jd doe and many pa gyd sila but isog au da smol dog!!!

issa i’m justi doing things that help me pass timeee doeee now issa nag draw2 ko kadjot doeee hahah and watch movie alsooo i just have to get used to this again doeee whenever i get the urge to cry doe i tell myself no no nooo huhu but idk if i can hold dis doee later if mag sleep nako

update: 9:58 and i cannot hold it na doeee cry na gyd ko cos i can see that u really love her doeee and aish sana ol 🥺🥺 u r a great person doe and she’s blessed to have youuu 🥺 and im so sorry if i bother you doeee :(

dis my last weekly update na okaaay i will do an everyday diary naaa so dat u will always be updateeed 🥺 maybe around 9-10pm every night ko post okaaay heheh

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erin-gilberts · 4 years

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Bc It’s such a good post will you answer all the cafe asks?

Yessss totally!

Vanilla Chai Latte : Are you in love?

Yes, wholeheartedly and unapologetically, I am.

My girlfriend and I have only been together for two months, but it’s one of those things where when you know, you know. I’ve been in relationships lasting upwards of a year where I still didn’t know at the end of them whether or not I was in love. Early on in the year, I was actually even having conversations with my mom about how I wasn’t sure I’d ever been in love; I had no concept of what that felt like. I didn’t feel like I was feeling what I was supposed to be in relationships. I wondered if I was aromantic and if I wasn’t meant to experience romantic love.

With her, I’ve realized everything love IS supposed to feel like, and I’ve realized I AM capable of feeling those feelings - I just hadn’t met the right person yet. My heart was waiting for her.

We daydream of the life we intend to build together, and it delights me to be able to wake up every day and choose her, again and again, as we run boldly and breathlessly into the future we now share. We totally u-hauled but we’re both so committed to blooming and becoming together; it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before despite having quite a bit of experience in relationships.

Flat White : Coffee or Tea?

Coffee. It feels more substantial to me with more ways to customize it exactly how you like it. I also just have a lot of really positive memories being in coffee shops! I’m currently obsessing over Starbucks’s seasonal salted caramel mocha.

Cappuccino : What’s your middle name?

Elizabeth! I was named after my mother and grandmother, so it’s the only part of my birth name I kept when I changed my name.

Mocha : Dream Job?

A famous professional organizer on the same level as Marie Kondo and Dorothy Breininger! They’re my inspiration and the reason I went into this kind of work. Also, the executive director of my own LGBT-focused nonprofit (which I have been, and I intend to be again!).

Pumpkin Spice : Dream car?

The super fancy bike I’ll use the day I ride in the AIDS LifeCycle? Haha, I don’t drive and I don’t intend to!

Jasmine Tea : If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

Ugh, if I could visit any place in the world right this moment, I’d choose to go back to Toronto in a heartbeat. I went there in 2015 for the Inside Out LGBT Film Festival and I LOVED that city. It was so fun and the people were so welcoming. Other than that? Moscow, because it’s where @googoogojob lives, or New York City, because I just learned Hook & Ladder 8 (the Ghostbusters firehouse) is a real place and I want to see it!

Old English : You’re stranded on an island, who do you bring with you?

Do I have a limit?? If I have a choice, I’m definitely bringing my mom, brother, maternal grandparents, best friend, best friend’s family, cat, and girlfriend! That’s like the minimum amount of people in my life I couldn’t go without.

Iced Chocolate : Do you have a crush on someone?

My girlfriend, who I continually redevelop a big gay crush on every day! But I feel like that’s not quite the spirit of what this question is asking, so - I also have a big gay crush on Kristen Wiig, which my girlfriend endlessly makes fun of me for! Like, to the point I named my cat Erin Gilbert.

Caramel Frappe : Favorite video game?

It’s a tie between Minecraft and Undertale. I swing wildly between playing Minecraft daily to not playing for months, but it never gets old. The sandbox nature of the game enables infinite creativity, and the low stakes make it both accessible to me (not a gamer) and relaxing. And Undertale with its story and unique mechanics remains to this day the game to inspire the biggest emotional response in me. I’ve thought about having, “Despite everything, it’s still you” tattooed.

Iced Lemon Tea : Favorite song/band?

My favorite songs of all time are “The Greatest” by Sia and “I Know a Place” by MUNA, both of which were written in the aftermath of the Pulse shooting and can be interpreted as the process of rediscovering queer joy at the same time your community is constantly faced with tragedy and pain. They hit hard in a beautiful way as a hate crime survivor.

Iced Cafe Mocha : Favorite thing to do on rainy days?

I like to go out as soon as the storm passes and just walk downtown in the rain. The air always smells and feels so good; it clarifies me and I feel renewed. Walking in the light rain or before / after the storm always feels like breathing, really breathing, for the first time. It reminds me I exist and it reminds me that’s neat.

Hot Chocolate : Are you an affectionate person?

Yessssss oh my god. I live and breathe being affectionate and not even in a strictly romantic sense. I’m naturally an exuberant person and I delight in making people happy. My girlfriend would also say I engage in “cat behavior” with my demands to be held or touching constantly. XD

Caramel Macchiato : You’re travelling the entire world but you can only take one person with you. Who do you take?

My girlfriend @sweetmckinnon. Not only would we have the unprecedented opportunity to be gay in every country and continent, but we’re both writers, and we’d write an excellent book about these adventures!

Green Tea : How tall are you?

5’7.

Early Grey Tea : The inevitable Zombie Apocalypse is upon us! What’s your plan of action?

I’m rounding up everyone I care about and taking us to the nearest commune of marginalized people. We’ll be avoiding those uber-macho survivalist types like the plague, because their arrogance will 100% get everyone killed. At least marginalized communities would be more likely to understand working together and looking out for the community, not just yourself.

Mint Tea : How do you relax?

Indoor cycling is my drug of choice. It’s HARD to be mad or stressed when you’re exerting that intensely. I might also write self-indulgent fanfics or indulge in a little controlled chaos (I’m an acrylic pour and collage artist). And talking to my girlfriend, best friend, or mom always makes me feel better, too.

Vanilla Latte : Board games or drinking games?

I genuinely love board games and wish I had more people to play them with.

Iced Coffee : Do you like reading? If so, what’s your favorite book?

I like reading, but having ADHD has made it extremely hard to read entire books in recent years. My favorite book is probably The Radium Girls by Kate Moore. The author takes what’s already a horrific story and a dark chapter in American history and with her devastating writing style, humanizes each woman involved to the point it makes you ache to read knowing the inevitability of their fate. Anytime anyone asks me for a book recommendation, this is the book I suggest.

Italian Soda : Describe your dream date

My dream date would be after we’ve been together for a while - maybe on a date that’s special to us, like our anniversary, or maybe just on a random night because we feel like it, we have one of those super romantic dates like you see in the movies. We dress up super cute, go out to dinner and come home to a bedroom full of candles and rose petals on the floor, and every moment is spent just enjoying each other and what we have together in every way we can. <3

Sparkling Water : Describe what qualities you look for in a person

Passion - I’m an activist who became the executive director of their own nonprofit at the age of 16. I’m not going to mesh with someone who’s just going through the motions of life without any aspirations.

Flexibility - It’s a turnoff for me when someone is EXTREMELY committed to a very specific view of how their life is going to be. It tells me right away I’m going to have to continually contort myself to fit into their unbending path, because I accept I can’t predict the direction of my life with any degree of precision and I’m not rigid about it as a result.

Creative - I’m currently dating another writer and it’s the most fun I’ve ever had in a relationship. The quickest way to get us to pop off into a spirited debate is to get us started about story structure and characterization. We. Go. OFF. And could go off for days. Our shared creative passion gives us endless ground to connect and bond on.

Those are just a few, but definitely a few important ones for me!

Orange Juice : Have you ever had a valentine?

My first girlfriend, who I dated from 12-17, is the only valentine I’ve ever had. The timing of my relationships as an adult has never worked out for me to be partnered on Valentine’s Day. We weren’t super out about our relationship at the time and didn’t spend Valentine’s Day together, but I still have the love letters she sent me copied into my 7th grade diary, and I still have the antique gold heart necklace with enamel roses she gave me one year, too! Lots of lovely memories from that relationship.

Rose Hip Tea : Describe your first kiss

My first girlfriend and I were 12-13, cutting class in the bathroom because she was often bullied for her sexuality. She was having an especially rough day that day and I knew exactly where to find her. She kissed me out of the blue while I was comforting her and in all of my baby gay naivety, I hadn’t fully realized I was gay or that she liked me that way prior to that. Turns out I was and she did. We dated for five years.

Herbal Tea : You’re at a candle shop, what scented candle do you buy?

Oh, I’m going right to the bakery scent section. I’m not a huge fan of chocolate-scented candles, but vanilla? Christmas cookies? Gingerbread? Sign me the FUCK up.

Sandalwood is also one of my favorite scents, but depending on what it’s blended with, it can be hit or miss for me in candles.

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candyheartswift · 7 years

Photo

I don’t think I’ve ever made a mass post introducing myself and just talking about my love for Taylor so here it goes!

My name is Kayla, I live just outside of Charlotte, North Carolina. I’m 21 (I’ll be 22 on December 11- fellow sagittarius, Taylor!) I’m in my last year of college to become a physical therapist assistant and I couldn’t be more excited to begin my journey! I have 2 adorable cats named Pearl & Minnie and I have a best friend named Logan. In the bottom photo collage the top picture is from middle school where we were obsessed with making heart symbols because Taylor Swift did them too, and here we are 10+ years later in the bottom photo.

I have been fortunate enough to go to the Red tour & the 1989 tour! I was never fast enough at getting tickets for Fearless or Speak Now tours but I would have absolutely died to see those shows!

In the photos above I also went through a stage where I had to be just like Taylor, hence the cowboy boots, flowy floral skirt and curled hair. That was a daily thing.

But anyways on to the good stuff...

I first heard Taylor through some friends when I was around the age of 12/13. She was this young blonde country singer with cute style and a great voice, I remember just being in love with her music and personality from the start. The more and more I started filling my Myspace (ugh I sound old) with her songs and photos the more I began looking up to her!

I remember in the 7th grade having to write a timed essay with the prompt: who is the most influential person in your life and why? I chose Taylor. Things I wrote then as a young clueless middle school girl having no idea what life is really about are still true to this day as I am entering the last semesters of college getting ready to go out into the world on my own.

I wrote about her authenticity and how genuine she was with fans and how she appeared in interviews. Never a diva or rude or disrespectful. I wrote about how she shared her music with thousands of fans talking about the hardships of teen years and how to get through life a day at a time. I wrote about no matter what happened she was always true to herself even in her darkest times and never let what others say about her, affect her.

As I’ve grown, I’ve been fortunate enough to have Taylor’s music be apart of my life and help me deal with some struggles of my own with friends, boys, etc. I feel like as I’ve grown I’ve been able to grow with Taylor in a way, listening to her music and learning about her life. Her music has gotten me through so much in the last 8 (ish) years, and many, many, many car rides!

I’ve been a huge fan of Taylor for so long, and so many people know, if they had to name one fact about me it would definitely be my obsession for tswift! I’ve had people make fun of me or think I was crazy for being so in love with her but I didn’t care! She makes amazing music and she seems like the nicest person ever so I never let people get to me in that way.

Anyways.. wrapping things up:

I wish to one day in person be able to thank Taylor for all she’s done. For writing music, and being vulnerable, and putting herself out there. For not taking shit from anyone, for being authentic and herself. For growing up to be proud of who you are and what you accomplish. For not worrying about what others think. For standing tall and proud for your beliefs and your artwork. For writing songs that are relevant to life, love, fairytales, relationships, friendship, family, traveling, and just experiencing life in general. I just want to thank her for being so wonderful and for being such an incredible role model and artist.

Every 11:11 wish, every birthday candle that’s been blown, even some childhood diary entries have included me wishing and hoping to someday meet Taylor.

If you could tag her or taylornation in this post and reblog I would be forever grateful in hopes that one day my dream could come true!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read a little bit about me and Taylor if you’re reading this, well, I hope to see you soon!

@taylorswift @taylornation

#me #selfie #taylor swift #taylorswift #taylornation #taylor nation #reputation #speak now #red #fearless #1989 #swiftie #about me

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mediocremom01 · 4 years

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Breastfailing

I originally wanted to wait to write this post as I wanted a successful breast feeding journey. BUT here I am, and I think I've officially had enough. I am all for ‘fed is best’ and whatever you feed your baby I'm proud of you for giving them what they need and to grow and be strong. HOWEVER, I don’t give myself the same standards. Before having a baby I had the mindset of ‘I’m going to try to breast feed but if I can’t its no big deal, I'll feed him formula’ Literally the first night of having my baby, I was 100% invested in breast feeding. I have a LONG and emotional breast feeding journey. Here is how mine and my sons journey went with breast feeding. Prepare... it’s a LONG post

First hour: Not latching, Nurses throw nipple shield at me. I get my son to have WHATEVER colostrum I have, who knows if its enough, but he seemed content for the first two days. He would only use a nipple shield from here on out- will explain more later. Also the nurses were AGGRESSIVE and awful with helping me. When I say aggressive I mean shoving my sons face in my boob with his mouth closed and SQUEEZING my boob.

Day three noon: Didn’t have enough wet diapers and about to be discharged early after a c-section thanks to COVID. Babies at this point have the same number of wet diapers as they are old... so he should have had three. My husband and I questioned his output and we were pushed aside. I also reached out to the nurses because it was taking my son an hour to eat colostrum... Babies at this age have TINY stomachs and it should not take long to fill him up. No lactation consult was given to me at any point even when we asked

Day three midnight: My son was hysterical. Every time I tried to breast feed him (with the nipple shield) he would suck a few times then pass out, which you think “oh he’s “milk drunk”” but not even 5 minutes later he woke up screaming and hungry. This went on until 4am when I finally broke down hysterically crying and my husband took him and fed him formula which he gulped down in seconds then passed out for 4 hours. I was devastated. Devastated that I clearly just starved my son and that I didn’t do what he needed from me most which brings in a lot of guilt.

Day four: we go see a lactation consultant and she said my colostrum isn’t enough for him and to supplement until my milk comes in. He lost 10% birth weight and needed to come back in a few days.

Day six: follow up with lactation consultant. My milk finally comes in and she gives me three days to come back for a weight check and weighted feed. I feel good at this point thinking that now my milk is in I can give my baby what he needs. He starts to eat my milk but is still taking over an hour to eat but at this point he falls asleep and sleeps for a good few hours. I’m feeling like a giant weight has lifted off my shoulders and the guilt fades now that I can feed my baby.

Day nine: go in for a weighted feed but I screwed up and fed him right before the car ride. He was hysterical and hungry i couldn’t starve him just for a “weighted feed”, so I did what I thought was best. We see the consultant and she’s happy with his weight gain.

From here until our two week check up something changes. His naps are no longer for two to three hours they’re more like an hour. He’s feeding close to two hours. I felt like I couldn’t keep him off my boob but when I googled or spoke to any mom friends it was normal and known as cluster feeding. That he was trying to get my milk to increase so he would have enough as he got older. This cluster feeding started to be all day and night.

Two week check up: his doctor says that his weight is a slow gain but once he hits his birth weight it should sky rocket. His diaper output is perfect. I mention the “cluster feeding” she says it’s normal and should subside soon. He’s still using the nipple shield. I mention to her how he looks yellow and she said his bilirubin levels have decreased since birth he’s fine. I feel good but still questioning why he’s at my breast for so long.

3 weeks old: I scheduled a new lactation consultant because I felt the cluster feeding was too often to be all day every day. He also was still eating 2-3 hours at a time before taking a nap and sometimes he wouldn’t even nap he would sleep at my breast, I would try to move him then he would wake up and want to eat again. This consult was over zoom thanks to covid :( she looked at his latch and I brought up all concerns and she blamed the slow eating on the breast sheild and recommended breast compressions and massage while he’s active on the breast. I did what she said and it seemed to help a little but not much, she just kept pressing trying to get him off the nipple shield.

4 weeks old: I call the doctor because his jaundice isn’t getting better and they argued with me for awhile but because he was slow weight gain they said okay. While we were there he only gained a few oz... doctor said that we had to do another weight check in two weeks. While I was there his bilirubin stayed the same, doctor claimed it was breast milk jaundice and it could take weeks to get out of his system. The levels weren’t harmful but noticeable in his skin and eyes.

5 weeks old: I schedule a different lactation consultant but this time someone who could meet me in person. We do a weighted feed and evaluation. 1 hour prior to the visit he was hysterical so I fed him expressed breast milk via bottle and he had 1oz. While she was there He took in 1.5oz. She said that because he took 1oz prior to the appointment and 1.5oz now he was getting enough and I was producing adequately. She saw a tongue and lip tie and told us to have his pediatrician look at it to be released. She said it could be the reasoning as to why he needs the nipple tie and isnt sucking as efficiently.

6 weeks old: his pediatrician says there are no ties and his suck is fine. We discuss his slow weight gain once again. I express my concern about him eating all day and not napping. Like seriously eating all day. The moment I get up to the moment I go to bed he’s just connected to my boob and not sleeping. He cries every time I unlatch him, I’m barely eating and drinking at this point because I don’t have time to go to the bathroom and I don’t have time to eat or have hands to eat.

7 weeks: I get a second opinion with a pediatric dentist. He says both tongue and lip ties are grade three and we discuss the complications of them. I pay OOP to get them released. He said that it would take time but he should start to eat efficiently.

8 weeks: I’m able to feed him 70/30 with nipple shield and without it. Which is an amazing start from someone that had to use it EVERY time. He still is eating all day and not napping. At this point I’m getting REALLY exhausted. Guilt and frustration fill me every time I feed him. “I wish you could just eat better” “I’m sorry I cant have the nipples that make it easier for you” “is my supply even there?” “Come on baby boy, stay active I know you’re hungry”. We go to his 2 month check up and see a new pediatrician. He states that his weight is in the 9th percentile and has only gained 6oz in 3 weeks. At this point he should be gaining more and he recommends I start supplementing with breast. We also find out that he has a severe dairy allergy which has been causing his rash issues, green mucus poops, bad gas and severe reflux. I need to cut diary out of my diet and buy dairy free formula.

9 weeks: I decide to pump and bottle feed with formula. I’m only pumping 1-2 oz at a time total which CLEARLY shows I don’t have a good milk supply. At this point I can’t get dairy out of my breast milk fast enough for him. His reflux and gas are so bad he’s spitting up half an oz per oz. I’m advices to take a break from breast feeding and just formula feed to heal him.

9 weeks and 6 days: I’ve officially thrown in the towel. I’m so exhausted and it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health. I’m no longer a happy mommy. Yesterday we the first night I didn’t nurse him to sleep. It was heart breaking for me. I feel so much failure, sadness, and guilt. Why couldn’t my breasts provide you what you need. I gave breast feeding my everything. I’ve consumed so many different lactation products, power pumping, kept you at the breast every hour and every day since I had you. My breast milk was causing you so much pain internally and you were so hungry that I couldn’t ever satisfy. I feel so selfish that I carried on this journey when we had issues from the start. I feel inadequate and that I didn’t try harder. Maybe if I weren’t a single mom I’d have more energy to push through and make my breast milk dairy free but you don’t like to be put down ever so it makes pumping so hard. I’m sorry little man, I have it my all. At least this formula will fill you up and won’t give you tummy issues

I’m repeatedly saying “I’m a good mom” today because I don’t feel like one. One day this will be a memory and I don’t want it to be a negative one. Trying to find the good when I’m crushed our breast feeding journey has been a complete failure. But you’re with me now taking a nap on me which was never a thing before. So I’m going to soak in these snuggles.

#breastfeeding #first time mom #mom #boymom #fed is best #failure

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lovemesomesurveys · 7 years

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1. Can you remember ever feeling like someone stole your idea or took credit for something that was your work? If not, can you remember a time when you introduced a friend to something and they sort of began acting like they know more about it than you? No to the first question cause I’m not creative enough to come up with some original or a good idea about anything, ha, but yes to the second question. I had a friend who would try and tell me things about something I introduced her and I would just be like, ‘yeah, I know... I told you about that.’ Haha. Or she would tell me something that I already knew or heard about long ago.

2. If you were to ever imagine getting married, do you think you have a lot of people that would invite to your showers and actual wedding? Or is it more like you’d be inviting long-lost family members and hoping for the best? Blah with the marriage questions.

3. When you think about your extended family, are your relatives more similar to you and your family or different? Is it just you that’s different from your family or do you have a diverse family, in general? Hmm. I’d say my family is more diverse. Like. I don’t have any issues with any of my family, but I’m not close with majority of them and that’s just because we are so different and I don’t have a lot in common with them. We get along fine and all when we do see each other, which is rare, but I’m just not close with them. I’m sure they feel the same way about me, too. We’re just all doing different things and deal with different things in our lives.

4. Have you ever lost a friend to someone you introduced them to? I’ve had that happen where they actually became closer friends than me and that person. I felt left out and out of place.

5. Do you remember the last thing you posted on the internet that you regretted? If not, can you think of one time it’s happened? Hmm. No, I’m not sure.

6. Regarding your current or former high school, what is something that you really felt your school was lacking or what is something you would change about your high school? I don’t know. I didn’t really have an issue with my high school.

7. Choose a male friend of yours. Will you please describe him in a way that might convince me he’d be a good person to date? I don’t have any male friends, actually.

8. Have you ever pledged money to a Kickstarter (or other similar website) project? I’ve donated to Gofundme if that’s something similar?

9. If I handed you a voucher for a free tattoo from a renowned tattoo artist, but it had to be redeemed within 24 hours, would you use it? I’d be too scared. I’ve wanted a tattoo for years, but I can’t muster up the courage to do it. It certainly wouldn’t happen in a 24 hour’s notice.

10. Thinking about your favorite television show, are there any other similar shows out there (e.g., American Idol and X Factor; True Blood and Vampire Diaries)? If so, do you also like those shows? What is it that makes your favorite stand out from the similar shows? I have a lot of favorite shows, but I’ll just steal your example because I watched both True Blood and The Vampire Diaries. Although, while they both dealt with vampires they were very different.

11. Do you ever follow artists as they switch from band to band? It’s happened.

12. Do you find yourself being afraid of men? For example, if you are alone at a gas pump and a man pulls up to the pump next to you, does it make you nervous? I’m not afraid of someone because of their gender. I can get bad vibes from someone regardless of that.

13. What is your biggest goal right now? What do you hope to attain by achieving it? I’d like to get a lot of things taken care of and better managed, but I haven’t taken the necessary steps to do it. It’s hard finding the energy, motivation, and desire to do it.

14. Did your high school have a Model UN club? If you’re not sure, what were some of the more interesting clubs your school had? I don’t think it did. I was in the movie club, which was pretty cool.

15. Have you ever hung out with a group of people who are significantly older than you? Was it a decent time or did you feel out of place? No, not really.

16. If you are of age, do you enjoy the bar scene? What about it do you like or dislike? If you are below age, do you think you would enjoy going to bars when you are older? I didn’t enjoy the bar scene at all, honestly.

17. Is often that you will have one symptom and then you will diagnose yourself with catastrophic, even though it will usually end up just being nothing at all? Yeppppp. I’m great at that.

18. If you are unhappy with your appearance (even just with a bad hair day), does that keep you from going places? Does it keep you from fully enjoying yourself, as you’re too worried with how you look? Oh, definitely. Some days I just feel so incredibly ugly that I want to hide away forever. Like my insecurities just seem extra magnified some days. I also stopped putting much effort into my appearance, so that doesn’t help. I kinda stopped caring, but then hate how I look and feel at the same time, yet do nothing about it. Like my hair for instance. I hate my roots start to grow out, like it is now, and how crappy my hair looks. It needs to be dyed again super bad, but I can’t find the energy or desire to go get it done. :/ I just throw my hair up in a messy bun or throw on a hat because I don’t feel like dealing with my hair. I feel so self-conscious when I do go out, but yet like I said I don’t do a whole lot about it. I just don’t feel like when I do wear makeup that it makes much of a difference. I’m too insecure about everything.

19. Are you ever surprised and put-off by rude or ignorant comments that your classmates make? If you don’t have classmates, replace that with “friends” or “people you know.” It’s happened, yeah. I don’t even know how to respond when it does happen.

20. Have you ever had a goal to be better than someone at something? For example, there’s a dude in your class that always brags about his grades, so you work hard to do better than him, specifically? No. I don’t try to be better than others, and I certainly don’t think that I am better than others. I just focus on me.

21. Are you friends with more artistic people, more academic people, or more athletic people? Artistic and academic.

22. Regarding a specific friend, or more than one if you wish, what are some specific things that you bond over? For example, you like the same video games or have the same college major. One of my friends and I are basically the same person. We both are dealing with our share of health problems, we like some of the same tv shows, we like to do the same things, we’re both shy, quiet, and introverted, we both like to read, and we both spend a lot of our time online.

23. When you are at a place where people are dancing and people are seated/mingling, like a wedding reception, do you dance or do you remain standing/seated? I remain seated. I’m too shy to go get up and dance and stuff or socialize. People usually come over to me to talk.

24. If you see someone and notice something you like about them, physical or otherwise, how likely are you to actually compliment them? It depends. Like, I’m not one to say something to someone I don’t know in passing that I like their shirt or purse or whatever. If it’s someone I know, I will.

25. How easy is it for you to tolerate and keep an open mind when people reveal they have completely opposite political opinions to you? Does it change based on how close to your heart the issue at hand is? I consider myself to be pretty open minded, actually. I avoid conversations like that; though, because I’m not the confrontational, debate kind of person. I often keep my opinions to myself.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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i-amusemyself · 7 years

Note

All 100 Questions.

Bloody hell okay thank you!!! 😄😄😄

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?Yeah, Id say so.

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?Aint never had anyone to fake it with 😂 Ngl tho its the sort of thing id do (which is terrible i know)

3. If you could have one super power, what would it be?Mind reading.

4. Do you think youre gonna be rich in 7-8-9 years?I’d be worried if I didnt have more money than I have now, but idk.

5. Tell us some funny drunk story?Oh jeez erm, I don’t really have any 😂 My friends occasionally remind me of the time at the school christmas ball one of the business teachers turned up and I quickly ran away while aggressively whispering “oh no he knows im a lesbian, aimee told him”.

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?We work better as friends, its less stressful.

7. If you had to choose one way to die what would it be?See I’m really torn with this question. Part of me thinks itd be nice just to go in my sleep, with a heart attack or something. Its quick and painless you know.But equally I wonder if it would be better to maybe, like, have something where I knew I was gonna die. Because then I’d have time to try and do everything on my bucket list and say goodbye to everyone. Also maybe at that point I’d welcome death lmao.

8. What are your current goals?Idk? Im waiting on A level results which I really hope I’ve done well in.I hope to make lots of new friends at uni and learn how to look after myself quickly I guess. I dont know.

9. Do you like someone?I like a lot of people 😆

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?Im really not sure??? There arent many people I expect anything from and even then my standards are pretty low. So like, I dont really get disappointed by people, only occasionally by situations.

11. Do you like your body?I could hate it a lot more, but I wouldnt say I’m happy with my body or general appearance. I struggle a lot with my features and my weight and the scars I have (which is ridiculous but thats what mental illness is)

12. Can you keep a diet?I mean if I wasnt on the diet im on rn (with lots of restrictions) id probs be in hospital 😂

13. If the whole world was listening to you right now, what would you say?Honestly id pass out under the pressure of it 😂 idk, id tell them all to take a chill pill but no one would listen.

14. Do you work?Nah, i had 3 jobs at once last yeah but now I’ve ended up with none.

15. If you could choose only one food to eat for the rest of your life what would it be?Either garlic bread or chocolate I cant decide!

16. Would you get a tattoo?I’m v much planning on getting one in the near future so yh!!

17. Something you dont mind spending all your money on?Plane tickets.

18. Can you drive?Yeah! I havent driven since I passed my test, but hopefully I havent forgotten how to that quickly!

19. When was the last time someone told you youre beautiful?…I cant remember. Thats depressing (not that I blame them).

20. What was the last thing you cried for?Argh I have no idea why I was crying, my brain just wasnt doing its job so everything made me stressed and sad.

21. Do you keep a journal?I keep a blog for diary posts but besides that nah

22. Is life fun?If you allow it to be, yeah

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?Tf is that supposed to mean? I guess if you know the person well it is.

24. Whats your dream car?I dont know about Dream Car, id have to research it loads to decide what my absolute fave it. Although rn I’d really love a ‘67 VW beetle bc theyre small and cheap on insurance 😂

25. Are grades in school important?My own grades are super important to me, (to the point its probably unhealthy) but in terms of how the people around me do, it doesnt really matter to me. I mean, I want everyone to do well, but I dont judge people based on it.

26. Describe your crush.She’s funny and all around awesome and interesting and good at deep convos and beautiful and way out of my league.

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?The last one I read called The Bell Jar. It was unlike anything I’ve ever read and made me think about a lot of things. Also I related a lot with the main character.

28. What was your last lie?Eh, probably “im fine”.

29. Dumbest lie you ever told?Idk?? I only keep track of the good lies 😉

30. Is crying in front of people embarrasing?It shouldnt be but yeah, I try my best not to.

31. Something you did and are proud of?Umm, idk im p proud of playing basketball and representing my region/training with england. But i quit that so 👏 dicks out for my regrettable decisions 👏

32. Whats your favourite cocktail?Never had one

33. Something you are good at?Annoying people and being clingy 😂 also maths ig

34. Do you like small kids?It depends on the child, the day of the week, the lunar cycle, my menstrual cycle, how hungry I am…Yh legit sometimes I hate them sometimes I love them.

35. How are you feeling right now?Great omg I just got my best friend to watch mamma mia and now shes high on life next to me.

36. What would you name your daughter/son?🤐 there are a couple of names for girls I like and like 2 boys names? But i dont wanna say bc theyre embarrasing.

37. What do you need to be happy?Good company, good food and possibly music.

38. Is there someone you want to punch in the face right now?Theres always at least 3 people I would love to punch 😂

39. What was the last gift you recieved?My best friend got me a necklace and I almost cried its so beautiful

40. What was the last gift you gave?The gift of my company @only-slightly-dangerous 😉😉😉

41. What was the last concert you went to?I went to to see Amber Run in february

42. Favourite place to shop at?Um, as in shop? A place called blue banana probs (england’s hot topic smh)

43. Who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander bc they helped me to understand who I am and how I feel and to be loud and proud about it.And Luke Cutforth bc he’s so open about his mental health and struggles with self harm but hes so happy now.

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?18 lmao

45. How old were you when you first got high?It aint happened yet (and i dont really want it to)

46. How old were you when you first had sex?It aint happened yet smh

47. When was your first kiss?As far as im concerned never

48. Something you want to do until the end this year?What….does this mean….? Idk???

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadnt done?It’s more stuff I wish I had done tbh. I suppose I said things I shouldnt have or got too involved in drama, but you kinda need all that secondary school shit to learn from it

50. Post a selfie.Lmao nah fam

51. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friend by a mile. Privacy who?

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.Abandonment without explanation.

53. What kind of books do you read?Anything non fiction about medicine/being a doctor/disease/psycopaths.Besides that whatever has been recommended.

54. What would you tell your 12 y/o self?1. Youre gay2. You and I both know you arent joking about being “a dude trapped in a girls body” stop laughing it off and confront it.3. Stand up for yourself.4. Chill out.5. Laugh a lot more omg

55. What is your favourite flower?It’s between petunias and roses

56. Any bad habits you have?Not answering peoples messages unless theyre Certain Person A or Certain Person B.

57. What kind of people are you attracted to?Ones that are out of my league and could kick my ass apparently. Also ones that are kind, listen and think a lot I guess

58. What was the last thing you cried for?Already answered

59. Is there something you dont eat? A food that truly disgusts you?I dont eat loads of stuff bc my guts hate me 😂 but besides all that I’m actually the worlds least picky eater. The only thing I dont like is raw tomato. Thats it.

60. Are you in love?I wish

61. Something you find romantic?All the clichés ngl 😂 just anything that says “i love you” or “i was thinking about you” really

62. How long was your longest relationship?Like 4 months? Barely long term.

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?Oh jeez i hate these theyre so stereotype-y1. Bitching2. Not supporting each other3. ….?

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?1. Not supporting each other2. Massive egos3. Yelling

65. What are you saving money for?Uni so I dont starve to death!

66. How would you describe your bad side?Hmm, idk, it depends what someone did to get on my bad side. I’d say stubborn, bitter and angry tho usually.

67. Are you actually a good person? Why?I could be wrong but I think so long as someone has morally good intentions they are usually a good person, whether they always succeed or not. So yeah, I like to think I am.

68. What are you living for?My friends and the hope I have for my future.

69. Have you ever done anything illegal?Piracy? Thats it.

70. Do you like your money?….did I type this question wrong or??

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?Okay, the honest answer? Yeah. When I was a lot younger and less mature and someone said something that hurt me, I tried to retaliate with equally hurtful comments. I like to think I wouldnt do that now.

72. Ever sent nudes?Lol no

73. Have you ever cheated on someone?Hell no

74. Favourite candy?All candy hates me 😂

75. Is there a blog you visit everyday or almost every day? Tag them.Yeah @oneshappyplace knows I regularly spam her with notes in search or Quality Memes (im so sorry)

76. Do you play any computer games? Whats ur fave?Nah, as if I have time 😂

77. Favourite TV series?Argh I canny choose? I love the IT Crowd, I love supernatural, I love Sherlock, I love in the flesh…

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?I’m not religious and personally I don’t believe there’s a god or higher power but I could be wrong.

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?The Bell Jar. See 27.

80. What do you think about vegetarians and veganism?I respect it I guess? At one point I was p much a vegetarian until I had to restrict my diet sooo. Tho I could never be one now, let alone a vegan.

81. How long have you been on tumblr?Too long 😂😂😂 Like 3 or 4 years?

82. Do you like chinese food?Love it!

83. McDonalds or Subway?(Never been to subway so) McDonalds.

84. Vodka or Whisky?(Never had whisky so) Vodka.

85. Alcohol or Drugs?(Never had drugs so) Alcohol.

86. Ever been out of your country?I’m currently in the USA so yeah 😂

87. Meaning behind your blog name?It’s p self explanatory and also v true

88. What are you scared of?Abandonment, deep water, knives, toys with battery packs.

89. Last time you were insulted?Ugh, probs like when I met up with a load of school friends for our leaver’s ball.

90. Most traumatic experience?I’d rather not answer that lmao (plus itd take a long time to type)

91. Perfect date idea?Chilling and listening to each other’s favourite songs while coexisting and eating fast food 😂 that or ikea ngl

92. Favourite app on your phone?Tumblr. Even though I hate it, it also keeps me sane.

93. What colour are the walls in your room?White and blue.

94. Do you watch youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?I love so many youtubers omg. Lukeisnotsexy, mileschronicles, realisticallysaying and filthy frank are faves

95. Share your favourite quote.Pick your fights.

96. What is the meaning of life?To live life to the fullest so youre happy and have minimal regrets. Also to be kind and helpful so even if you dont change the world you might help someone else to.

97. Do you like horror movies?I think….? But I’m not good at watching them alone 😂

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Eh…again, would rather not answer (we got some nice supressed memories here)

99. Do you feel lucky or special in any way?I’m still totally in awe of how lucky I am to have met my best friend from 3000 miles away. Like, the probability of it was so so slim and yet here we are.

100. Can you keep a secret?I think so yh! It’s something that I consider super important.

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heymiss-miss · 7 years

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This is me

I’ve always wanted to write about my experiences of being a new teacher in a way to record by journey but also to share it with other teachers that are starting out. But I am now two years into my profession and little to show for it. I have had little writings here and there in a very sporadic teaching journal. But it’s never too late to start and I can always reflect on events in the past two years that it isn’t a complete waste. There’s no point in giving up an idea just because you didn’t start it when you should have.

The other reason why I have been inspired was by my mother, who would hear my teaching stories and would remind me to write them down so I could remember the things that have happened. To be honest, that is something that I’ve been better at. Well, not teaching stories per say, but I have gotten a lot better at writing in my personal diary each day of 2016. Sure there’s some teaching stories in there, but I would like a spot with more focus and detail. I also think a lot of the amazing life she had lead working for a volunteer organization and the change she has brought to the world. She has really inspired me as a person to continue doing good for the world and that is one of the reasons that I went into teaching. The example of her kind heart and go with the flow attitude has also probably contributed to me being a good teacher.

I also think about my father, whose dream it is to become a writer. I don’t believe I have his same talent for word and deep thought, but I think I am funny. I also do believe that I am much better in my written thoughts than spoken. He has also helped me become a very driven person and this is just another way I can drive myself.

Finally, I wanted to start writing because I saw what a wonderful community of teachers there are on Tumblr. I’ve started following blogs and realize they have such good advice and also helpful is answering questions and I would like to be a part of that.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to just talk about my experience as a beginning high school science teacher. In the end I ultimately decided what I wanted to talk about my depression and anxiety. At first, I didn’t want to make it part of my blog for two reasons.

The first being was that I didn’t want to deal with the stigma that comes with mental illness. I didn’t want it to be known or for me to be judged by it. But in the end, I decided that was a silly reason. I also decided that by keeping it a ‘secret,’ I was allowing for the stigma to continue and the only way to break that was to talk openly about it. I also decided that it is not something that I should be ashamed of because battling it shows my strength. I think a lot about Carrie Fisher and her strength to talk about openly about her bipolar disorder and I want to honor and continue her battle.

The second reason was my thoughts of ‘well my depression isn’t that bad.’ But then I thought about Portia de Rossi’s book Unbearable Lightness. I remember her going to get help for her eating disorder and her also feeling like ‘it isn’t as bad as other people’s.’ However, when reading her book, you can tell it was a real battle. So even though I might think of my depression as ‘not that bad,’ I do want to share about it because it does show the range of how depression and anxiety can affect people. Anxiety was also a big part of my journey when I started teaching and I have learnt manage it. I also find that teaching has been really helpful for my depression and I hope to write about that at a later date.

So some other background about myself and what I hope to accomplished. I am an American, living in New Zealand. I teach high school science (senior chemistry and junior science). We are currently and luckily on holidays so my current posts, which I hope to have up at least once a week, will be more reflective than talking about the funny things that happened in the week. Just so other non-New Zealanders are aware of our school system, when I am talking about seniors, I am not talking like American high school senior (12th Grade). Seniors in NZ refers to those that have started National Certificate of Educational Achievement (NCEA). It is the official standardize test that we use for our high school students (Year 11-13). It also not standardize tests (ACT, SAT) like they are in the US, but more along the lines of a final exam a student might take at the end of the semester. It is just standard across the whole NZ instead of varying from school to school. Juniors then are year 10 and 9. High schools run from year 9-13 (5 years instead of the 4 in American high schools). If I was to translate it across to the US, our year minus one is the grade year. So year 9 = 8th grade, ect. Hopefully that makes sense to people. I will explain more as I go along.

So yeah, this is me and my blog. It used to be my personal blog, which really wasn’t about my writing by reblogging, which you’re welcomed to look at and will probably still continue. But now, I am giving it a focus.

Oh, and the reason why I call it heymiss-miss is because ‘Miss’ is what female teachers get called in NZ (males get called ‘Sir,’ FYI) and hey miss was already taken. In fact, I’m probably more often called Hey Miss…MISS by students they want my attention. Thus the name.

#teaching #teacher #education #introduction #hello

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loislaneinvestigatesauthors · 6 years

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Chicken Doodle Soup (Don Owens) presents Stick to the Funny Stuff!

I notice your lead female character, 'Oprah Fat-Free' deals with severe depression. Did you do research into how depression works, how the state of mind of a person changes when they are experiencing that? Have you known anyone who was depressed to that point?

QUESTION #1: Good question, even though "STICK To The Funny Stuff" doesn't go in-depth on the subject of depression, but rather, utilizes stick-figure comedienne Oprah Fat-Free as a representative for every human being on the planet, who faces some obstacle serving as hindrance to positive existential progression along this miraculous road called life. But yes, statistics indicate there is a substantial number of depression cases on record. The World Health Organization has reported 300 million people around the world suffer this affliction. Reportedly, 16.2 million U.S. adults have experienced a major depressive episode, with approximately 10 million being severely impaired by their experience. Anxiety disorders are attributed to approximately 50% of all people diagnosed with depression.

Depression can befall an individual at any stage in his or her life. It can range from moderate to crippling, as there are many forms of depression, as well as multiple catalysts thought to precipitate its onset, such as complex-chemical reactions in the brain and gene vulnerability identification. I myself have been depressed and sought counseling while in the military. My girlfriend, now deceased due to heart failure, suffered from a bipolar disorder and depression was a significant marker highlighting her condition. It's a mental-health issue that has motivated individuals even to suicide. But here's a statistic that I believe offers hope: I read a 2017 study indicating that Christianity at this point is still the world's number one faith. So then, for followers of the faith, God offers hope in the face of this state of impairment.

Of course there are skeptics who ascribe God's existence to fervent imagination, but what about those CERTIFIED physicians, such as Dr. Sean Thomas George, who go on public record as saying hopeless cases were reversed by divine intervention? Who could be more credible sources than esteemed, highly skilled health-technicians, to confirm a miraculous event? By the way, I myself was in three hospitals in two different states, dying, with no explanation whatsoever as to why my body was shutting itself down. Doctors were baffled by my condition. So perplexed was one of my doctors, he mused about publishing my case in a medical journal. I wouldn't be here today - except for the prayers of my family and the church. I'm a living witness to God's healing hand.

Be they physical or mental conditions, God's Word says He is ready to step in to assist us with our afflictions. I was reading a case of a depressed woman who'd been deemed to be in need of receiving shock treatments for her depression! But as a believer, she called on Christ, and He availed Himself to her. No one is saying these condition reversals take place in an instant, necessarily. Although, God is more than capable of on-the-spot healing, as scripture illustrates. But often in the Bible, God took His sweet time (in some instances, decades or CENTURIES) about turning situations around, simply because His timetable supersedes ours. But He tells us in His Word that with His assist, we are more than conquerors through Him that love us (Romans 8:37) and that He is The Lord Who heals us (Exodus 15:26, Psalm 30:2).

Do you think that humor really helps people get through life stuff? Is it a matter of 'laugh or else you'll be crying?'

QUESTION #2: Definitely! I read an article posted online at PsychCentral entitled "9 WAYS THAT HUMOR HEALS" by Therese J. Borchard. She states that "Of all the tools I use to combat depression and negativity, humor is by far the most fun." I agree with her assessment that humor combats fear, comforts, and relaxes you. She also notes that it reduces pain, boosts the immune system, reduces stress and cultivates optimism. And she even mentions one of my favorite scriptures in the Bible, Proverbs 17:22, which states that a merry heart does good like medicine. Actor Robin Williams' movie "Patch Adams", was based on real-life doctor Hunter Campbell, who infused laughter-based therapy into his treatment regimens for his patients. Studies show that laughter is an unimpeachably viable element in the healing process.

That said, I am a humor goon! I love to laugh and I love trying to make others laugh. This is why I chose humor to try to convey God's Good News message to the world. I've seen the dramatic difference God can make in the lives of the willing - and how He replaces tears with the infectious rumble of hearty laughter! And I can tell you, I much prefer laughing to crying, unless they are tears of joy that ensue when you finally get past an agonizing condition or experience, such as the one I had while confined for a few months to hospital beds in Oklahoma and Texas.

How did you come up with Thin Diesel's little motivational messages? What happens when people can't pull themselves up by their own bootstraps anymore?

QUESTION #3: Thin Diesel is a character who comprises part of my personality. If you read my previous bodies of work, you will see that I habitually inject into my projects these bite-sized parcels of humorous, pun-fueled philosophies designed to motivate you to go for broke, to attain the prized goal that defines your purpose, transcending you beyond meat-and-potatoes subsistence, to an actualization mountaintop whose reward is spiritual in scope, where a healthy paycheck is simply a byproduct (because truly money can't buy happiness, otherwise so much of the well-to-do populace wouldn't be as spiritually or emotionally disabled as many among the economically distressed).

I use God's Word, humor and cartoons to remind people that God can get them where He purposes them to be. But even if you take away my humor tools and my illustrations, God is still right there, cheering you on, telling you He'll get you there as you trust in Him! In His word, He says that in OUR weakness lies HIS strength (2 Corinthians 12:9). That faith and trust is what compels you to overcome your troubles. I've seen the change God makes in the lives of the hopeless. It's really quite fascinating.

What do you think is lacking in modern society that leaves so many people vulnerable to depression and anxiety? Some folks have clinical conditions that cause these mental states and need medical treatment, but I'm more talking about people who go through dark moods and life struggles. How do you think we can begin addressing these problems?

QUESTION #4: Don't get me wrong. I believe in the benefits of medicine. One of God's disciples was named Luke - and he was a physician. Certainly our planet offers lavish provision from its vast wilderness-growth credenza, an eclectic array of ingestible products which aid in our mental and physical well being. But just as the Bible says we cannot live by bread alone, neither can we depend solely upon the abilities of modern medical advancement. We are human beings, crafted in the Image of our Creator. The global community we inhabit, unlike yesteryear, is now fraught with ever-evolving technologies, expectations and social philosophies that foster stress, strife and fear. Add to these elements mankind's reluctance to look to Him Who knows us better than anyone.

Our hearts are God-shaped and require constant spiritual nourishment that we don't feed it, instead offering it an unhealthy menu of all things contrary to what God says is good for us. This detrimental diet gives way to those elements which cause our mental/emotional/spiritual health to deteriorate to a milieu where darkness lurks. I know this to be true because, when I used to be depressed a great deal of the time. As they say, the struggle is REAL. And grossly disheartening. But one day I listened to The Heavenly Father when He told me I don't have to be depressed if I defer to Him. I did listen - and now I'm thrilled to say I don't become depressed anymore! Ever! I really don't. That's not to say life is all magical now or anything like that. I have my "MAN, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING MOMENTS???!!!" to be sure. But Christ has taught me that no matter what I think I see or feel or hear, HE is ALWAYS in control of EVERYTHING. If we could all truly get a good grasp of His proclamation in our hearts and minds, things would be so different in so many lives.

How did you decide to tell these characters' stories through a zine-like graphic novel? I mean, this could have been a standup routine, or a novella if you expanded the story. What attracted you to the graphic novel format?

QUESTION #5: Funny you should ask. I HAVE performed Christian standup comedy on TV and radio. And I do have a Christian-humor novel that will be coming out soon, entitled THE DIARY OF BRAN FRANK. But ever since I was a child growing up in Chicago, I've always had an affinity for drawing. I began making animated cartoons with my movie camera and projector starting at age 12. I even won an 8th-grade science fair and was sent to the district science fair with my entry, an animated film about energy production. It was a positively absurd premise, featuring a caveman clubbing a dinosaur into submission, to harness its strength for various chores before the advent of the wheel. In retrospect, I surmise I only won first place because the adjudicators were smitten with the enterprising spirit of a 14-year old, who'd manufactured an animated cartoon for the occasion.

In any event, history shows that cartoons are an extremely popular vehicle employed to convey any kind of story for any occasion. That includes stories that are spiritual in scope.

How do people tend to respond to your work? Do you have any interesting stories from people who came to hear you or who read your previous books?

QUESTION #6: Much to my delight, people seem to love what I do. I would never brag on myself because people who boast tend not to be as good as they think they are. But I'm getting great reviews on amazon.com instead of complaints. Yippee!!!!!! I love doing book signings as author/cartoonist cHicKEn dOOdLE sOuP. Okay, here are a few of may favorite instances concerning my work:

1) I wrote of book of Christian cartoons called MYLES A HEDD, under the pseudonym, The Man From A.N.K.L.E. What was so cool about that book is that my Indianapolis-based author representative liked it so much, she called me in Southern California to ask me if I would write a book with her! I was so incredibly honored!

2) Many years ago, prolific writer/producer/director/ author/Stephen J. Cannell really liked MYLES A HEDD, and consented to write a blurb for me to insert into one of my books that was to be forthcoming! What a pleasure to be complimented in such a manner by the now-deceased, Emmy-winning Hollywood luminary who'd created so many memorable TV series such as 21 JUMP STREET, THE A-TEAM, THE ROCKFORD FILES, THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO and too many more to name here. Also, Movie-TV-star Rob Schneider (DEUCE BIGELOW, SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE) and "Mad Mike" of MTV's popular series, PIMP MY RIDE have offered me support. Mad Mike even wrote a review and did a video promotion for my last book, LOVE STEENX.

3). A woman recently read my current book, cHicKEn dOOdLE sOuP pREsEntS...STICK TO THE FUNNY STUFF!!! When she arrived at the final page, she told me how much she loved it...while shedding tears! Actual tears! I was touched beyond measure! That kind of reception is an author's dream and I will never ever forget that. Because I really was wondering if people would get it. They do and I thank God I can use laughter to point the way to Him. God bless you one and all. And hey, don't forget to go for your dreams like I am - as I STICK TO THE FUNNY STUFF!!!

Stick to the Funny Stuff can be ordered here from Iceberg Tony’s Used Denture Discounts.

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perspectivewords · 7 years

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Survival (Part 1/2)

What is the worst thing you have ever been through in your life?

There are multiple ways someone will answer this question. Some will avoid it completely, digging a bigger hole to bury their deepest wounds deep underneath the Earth’s surface. Some openly talk about it because they know it can help another going through the same things. Some openly talk about it for attention. Some will answer that question, but not with the truth. We all have been through something. Something that, when it hits us like a flash of light, the hairs on our arms stand up and our skin creates goosebumps. You can feel something has taken over you, a sensation you hoped you wouldn’t have to identify with. Ever. Yeah all of us have felt that. Even myself.

Unfortunately, pain is inevitable. Most people say, “Why does this have to happen to me? What did I do wrong?” But it doesn’t matter what you did right or what you did wrong because life doesn’t work like that. The truth is we are human beings, and whatever happens to us will happen. Good AND bad. The good doesn’t happen only to the good and the bad doesn’t happen only to the bad. The truth is, we’ve been influenced by this preconceived notion that this, in fact, is what happens. Life. It’s not something that is meant to be depressing, no. Don’t let that be your assumption in your mind. It’s meant to be realistic. It’s meant to be REAL. I believe our purpose in life is to get as much knowledge out of it as you can. From books. From people. From experiences. From everything, good and bad.

So tell me… What have you learned?

I may not know what you have learned, but I know what I have. I can tell you what I have learned over the years of my pain. What do I know about that? You’re asking a great question. Some people know me as something you may call superficial. I’m the girl people think of when they think of the kinds of people the Kardashians are. Self-centered with quite a lot of money. Why self-centered? I guess that’s what happens when you pursue the kind of career I am. Money, modeling, acting, Instagram, Snapchat. My life is based on these things and those in that industry who see this often believe I have nothing better to do with my life than just that. None of it matters because I don’t know them nor do I know of their existence. The others? Well, they’re my favorite kind. Those who see me as happy. Too happy. Too hyper. Too friendly. Too pink. And by pink I don’t mean the color, I mean the personality of pink. Loud, vivacious, not a single ounce of unhappiness. Those who have met me before the age of eighteen don’t really see much of who I have transformed into. No, not even the ones who have come into my life after that and have become my heart and soul. There are quite a few, but no. Unfortunately, they can only imagine.

So that concludes that. The post? Oh no, not yet. There’s more… a lot more. Just wait. But it concludes the impression people have of me. The girl who never has anything to worry about. The girl who has it figured out. The girl who lives the lavish life. With photographers calling my name for shoots, a man who has the body and the looks any girl would drool over, cars that only those with money could buy, and opportunities people think are given to those who have amazing connections, not work ethic. I have it all, apparently. Does it bother me that people think that? No. That is exactly what I choose to make them think. Not once do I negate it.

So why this? Why write? If you’re asking that, then you don’t belong here. The button to close is on the top right and you can have a great time, but for those who want more, let me give that to you.

Depression. Suicide. Bulimia. Anorexia. Binge Eating. Anxiety. PTSD. Insomnia. Panic Attacks. Sexual Harassment. Rape. Violence. Abuse. Bullying. Death.

These are just some things I have been through in life. Yes, every single one of them. There is not one that hasn’t completely changed my life in some way. Almost twenty-four year and so far, I’ve been through almost all of it. Are you wondering yet?

What was it? What was the cause all of it? I used to ask myself this as I got older, sometimes I still do. People usually know but I had no idea when it started or when it ended. I just knew the days I felt it and the days I didn’t. I do know one thing, it seemed never ending. People always talk about the days when they were younger and how things were “simpler” for them. I didn’t feel the same and I still don’t. You know what I remember as a kid? Bullying. Waking up for elementary school being bullied everyday for everything. My dark brown hair that would be in pony tails people used to pull, my skin that was too white that apparently I bathed in bleach, my name that sounded way too funny to people that the worst nicknames were spread around that small school until the last day of 5th grade, how I looked like a man, everything. I was the last to be picked in gym, always. Nobody ever wanted me, I was just something people felt sorry for. Thing. Yes. Because I wasn’t a person. I was the girl who lashed out and would scream at people, and then land in detention because of it. Nobody else got in trouble, just me. Just the one who got bullied, and guess what? I was bullied for that too. Kids… they’re cruel. They really are. I knew that because I was the victim of it all. Even the fact that people were dared to be my friend just to see if I’d fall for it. I was used and I knew it. I wasn’t liked and I knew it. I had nobody and I knew it.

The thing about this is when all else fails and school makes you miserable, you’re supposed to look forward to coming home to a family you love. I didn’t have that luxury. I remember being beaten, kicked out of the house, called every pathetic name in the book, scared of my parents, hateful and envious of my brother. I was always compared to him, always. I wasn’t smart enough because I kept failing. I wasn’t good enough because I kept lashing out. I would get beaten if I couldn’t get one simple math problem from my homework right. The roots of my hair hurt with the amount of times they were pulled, my pale cheeks were bright red on both sides because of the amount I got slapped. I remember a Wednesday night at the age of 8 years old, I wasn’t allowed to sleep until I was finished with my math homework. It was 11 p.m. and everyone had gone to sleep. The lights were off and I wasn’t allowed to turn any of them on. I was crying with the amount I couldn’t understand and I was just scared. Utterly frightened. I sat there on the steps trying to get as much from the hallway light as I could and spent 20 minutes with a math problem. In the dark. Nobody around. Cheeks red. Hair half out of my ponytail. I remember it clearly. And it still scars me. My brother never had that problem. I know that because I never heard the end of his perfection. That ended a sibling relationship for a long time… a long time.

My first poem was written in fifth grade. It was called “My Miserable Life” and nobody thought or realized it was about me. Instead, it was entered in a poetry contest. I won. I denied it being published. I denied $600 as a ten year old. I denied all of it because had I said yes, the whole world would know. My parents would know. Everyone would know and it wouldn’t be hidden anymore. Isn’t it sad? It’s sad that a ten year old girl resorts to a poem that is titled that. No ten year old should have to go through that, no young girl should. Yet that wasn’t it. Winter was always so convenient. Long shirts. Sweaters. Gloves. I had convinced my mom to let me dress myself when I entered fifth grade. I also convinced myself to self-inflict for the first time. I remember piercing myself with the sharpest thing I could find and ripping the first layer of my skin right off. I was ten and I was scared. I was scared of what I was capable of so I never did it again. I never looked back at it, and, instead, I let myself scribble in a little diary.

A diary could only do so much. By the time the teenage years came around I was half-passed scared and more towards the darkest time in my life. Bullying, it never ended. Whispers went behind my back, “let’s buy her a razor for her birthday” “ask her out as a joke” “does your house smell like curry” “jealousy is a bad disease, get well soon” … stolen things, heartbreak, rumors, isolation, fights. Yeah. It was all still there. I was teased for everything and anything I did. One small embarrassing thing turn into a lifetime regret. It was like paparazzi. They were just waiting for me to screw up, and all I wanted to do was to be normal. And although I had friends, it was as if I was more alone than ever. How could someone be so surrounded, yet so alone? Suicide, that seemed like my best friend. I’ve done it all. Sat on train tracks right next to my house, filled a tub and submerged myself underneath, cut myself with any and every sharp object, rubbed an eraser on my skin until it burned, overdosed on pills, held something sharp so tight in my hands I started bleeding. All of it. Sharpness became an addiction, almost like cocaine is for people. Anything sharp I just wanted to put it against my skin. I needed it. I needed that escape. Just one thing that could let me feel free. It was as if I could breathe once it happened. There are only three times something happened to me, and all of those three times I really tried to kill myself. I still remember the last time. Standing there with a blade in my hands that I picked up while my dad was fixing something in one of the rooms. I could see my veins popping out, they were screaming “Cut me! Cut me!” and before I knew it, I sliced them and blood ran down my wrists. I didn’t intend to go that deep, but I did. So when I went to wrap myself, I suddenly couldn’t see. Every sensation was gone except my ability to hear. I was in the living room telling my mom I felt light headed and that I couldn’t see. It was black, pitch black. I was still conscious, and then I wasn’t. I woke up in my mom’s bed. She has no idea what happened.

Self-infliction wasn’t about me trying to die. That is not what I wanted. I was too scared to do that most of the time, but the times that I felt like it was almost happening, I was suddenly embraced with the gift of light. So then what was it about? I can’t exactly explain it. The best was to compare it is like when you drink a glass of your favorite alcohol, and you can finally breathe. Some days I looked at it as therapy. I could always count on a nice sharp knife or a pair of scissors to give me that. Coming home from school was a nightmare, but so was the abuse. It only got worse. Bruises, bashing, punching, slapping, from both my parents. In an indian household, a smack here and there may have been necessary, but I never thought so. Even then… it was nothing close to what I had gotten. I was given way more than a smack here and there. It was almost every day. I was never given a day to forget that I was a disappointment and a mistake. Sometimes cutting myself was all about the fact that I deserved the pain. Sometimes it was the only pain I could control. Everything changed about me. I cried, every single day of my life. Bullying and abuse kept getting worse and I hated my brother. I wanted nothing to do with him. Gothic songs, a hundred poems a day, cuts that would sting every day in the shower, blood that ran down my arms, my thighs, my stomach. Everywhere. I remember sitting in my room and zoning out at it. I remember purposely making it burn. It was madness, but it was the only thing that worked for me. And when I thought I had to torture myself more, then came the eating disorders. I remember one day it got out that I had one, and I don’t know how. Suddenly all teachers had their eyes on me, and it made everything worse. I always hated being the center of attention, I didn’t like it. I just wanted normality. Why couldn’t I have that much? Every single day from the time I was put into second grade until I left middle school I wished for normality. I just wanted to feel normal, to be normal. I was tired of it all.

Middle school was led by a heartbreak, bruises, blood, and just me… broken. Followed by a summer of madness and drama, and the first time I had been sexually harassed. All I wanted was a day of freedom to go out with my friends and have fun, but even that backfired when I left a guy trying to get a little too comfortable with me. Harassment may not be full blown rape, but that doesn’t make it any better. I thought my life would never be normal. Until high school.

High school was easy for me. Abuse had ended, bullying ended, everything and everyone had changed. The first year consisted of the normal drama everything went through. Heartbreaks, friendships ending, etc. I knew they were all bound to happen. I was even harassed again, by a man who was two years older and had me as a prey since day one. I knew that was bound to happen to me too. But then I was fifteen and someone was snatched from me. Someone I didn’t know would ever be taken away in the way that he was. He was my light and soul, and even today he still is. I knew I was the love of his life, and had he never left maybe he would’ve been mine. Losing him I lost a part of myself, a part that I still haven’t gotten back yet. Maybe one day I can go into detail about him, but this post is not one of those times. After that day I stopped hurting myself. I stopped writing poems. I stopped everything, and I walked away. I’d be lying if I said I never did it again, but he died in 2008 and in nine years I’ve only self-harmed three times.

High school. That is when reality kicked in. Or more like shoved itself in me against my will. It was dark. It was cold. It was unexpected. He was heavy and he was powerful. He had no remorse for what he was doing, and I know that because I can still feel his breath in my ear. I remember a big ring hitting my jaw from his backhand slap just to shut me up. I remember all of it. Most people talk about their first time as an interesting memory. I always have to lie about mine because my first time is when I was raped. Raped by a man in a hoodie from my high school. The hallways were tainted, yet again, because I knew that I was walking by my attacker every single day. This, is rape. I knew it. I knew he was watching me. I knew he was giddy inside. He knew he had control over me because he knew exactly who I was, and I had no idea. I still don’t know. The only memory I have from that is… well… everything. Coming back from it and crying to a boy I was dating at that time. He blamed me for all of it. Yelled at me for all of it. That damaged me forever. Never again did I tell another soul until years later because of it. I spent years feeling like it was my fault. But what do experiences like this actually do to you? For me, I lost control of everything. I mean everything. And somehow… I became the center of attention for the wrong reasons.

“Once a whore you’re nothing more, I’m sorry, that will never change”

That was chanted to me every day down the halls. Secrets came out like a can or worms slithering out into the wild. It spread like wildfire. I remember lunches were hard to get by because everyone was looking at me, everyone was talking about me, everyone was whispering to me. I was, once again, a pawn. I was used because I was “easy” and I was tricked into friendships, guys actually having feelings for me when all they wanted were my lips just for satisfaction saying that they got it too. The truth was that it never actually happened. And my name was spread across everyone’s lips. Apparently my mouth being all over their genitals was a lie they conjured out of their mouths, and it was never ending. I had apparently hooked up with guys I never knew existed. Had sex with guys I never did. The only difference between the person I was back then and the person I was in my senior year of high school was that I didn’t go home and cry. I didn’t go home and cut myself. I didn’t do anything, but it still was bothersome. Guys pinging, poking, wanting me left and right just because I was some type of prostitute. I wasn’t. Out of the thirty stories that were fabricated, only three were true. Three guys. Yet it tripled in numbers. I left high school as the whore. The whore that every single Indian, Patel and Shah, hated. Everyone knew my name. Everyone knew what to associate it with, “whore”. Never again did I take that word as a joke anymore.

But it doesn’t end there… this was just half of it. Half of what my life brought to me until I was seventeen years old. I left high school hoping it all would change, but what really happened after?

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