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doctorweebmd · 6 months

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hi this isn't a question i just desperately need to tell you how much zero sum game ruined me and put me back together again. lurking mental illness and suicidality under shit circumstances, physical disability, mental and physical scars, constantly fighting off the ptsd and having to learn how to cope in ways that don't hurt other people so you can hang onto the person that makes it all worth it. it's everything i've gone through, right down to soul destroying and healing intimacy, at first to feel pain and then to attempt feeling truly good for the first time. zero sum is undoubtedly going to be one of those artworks i can never shake off my psyche in the best way, like an abstract background hug for my heart. thank you so much for taking so many scary themes to tackle and packaging them so beautifully, i really needed that lately.

sincerely, a previous battle of the bands fan who is now absorbing your entire oeuvre into their personality.

first i want to thank you profusely for sending me this. thank you for sharing your own experience, and your own pain. i know thats not easy and i'm some random person but honestly reading this makes me feel not so alone in the world. of course, thank you for reading, but also for relaying that you felt seen by it. i always feel so silly because its a my hero academia fanfiction but, with all sincerity, words like yours are what make writing it worth it.

zero-sum is sincerely my favorite thing i've ever written and probably always will be. not because i think the plot is awesome or the physics stuff was cool (EVEN THOUGH I STILL THINK THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE) but because its the first time i was able to write about my own personal experiences with mental illness (heavily projected onto Katsuki and Izuku, lmao) in over ten years.

Okay fair warning i am going to overshare under the cut so please feel free to stop reading also I love you and cherish you and appreciate you thank you so so so much for sending this

i'm sharing this because, at some point, i needed to read this. maybe someone will stumble on to it and realize something. maybe not. maybe its just another way for me to continue to process what happened. i think i'll always be processing it. mental illness is a bitch

when things got really bad for me (the first time around) i stopped writing completely. at that time, i truly, from the bottom of my heart, believed that my disorder was the only thing that made my writing interesting. that if i was to recover, that means i could no longer do the only thing i was good for. unironically, writing was actually a major barrier to my recovery for some time.

writing, the thing i loved most in the world, started heavily triggering me.

so i stopped.

the problem was, i heavily romanticized what i was going through in my writing. i made the suffering 'beautiful.' by thinking it was beautiful, i was trapping myself in a loop of self-destruction.

they say, 'write what you know.' but all i knew was misery. so misery was what i wrote.

romanticizing your pain is something i think we all do. sometimes you have to. its a survival mechanism. if the pain is 'beautiful,' then its 'tolerable' to go through.

what no one really tells you about mental illness is that its really, really fucking lonely.

what no one tells you about recovery is, its even lonelier. its the most isolating thing in the world. everything you relied on, everything you thought to be true, the way you interact with the world completely changes.

things are always going to be different. you can't go back to who you were before.

what i did do, when i went into recovery, was read the very few published books about people with (disorder) who recovered. over and over and over again. i needed something to latch on to. anything. i needed to believe it was possible. i needed to believe people like me survived. that they could find happiness. that they could find love. that there is space in this world for people as broken as me.

i dont know. zero-sum, to me, was a love letter to that 19 year old kid that hit her (first) rock bottom. i pretended she didn't exist because it hurt too much to think about her. but what she needed to know, then, that recovering, no matter how difficult, was worth it. that life can and WILL get better. that she will one day wake up every morning and think 'fuck. i'm so glad i'm alive.' that even people like her can find happiness.

that one day, many years later, embarrassed, she'll show her scars to a person she just started dating. that he'll sheepishly show her his. that they'll exchange police reports like love letters. she'll learn that there are people out there that understand her. have felt her same pain. have lived through the same hell. she'll learn that survival is sometimes based on hope, and sometimes based on spite.

but is, despite it all, always worth it.

she'll learn that her suffering does not preclude her from love and connection and happiness.

that one day, she won't feel so alone.

and that one day, she'll be able to sit down at her computer and write about it. maybe it will be in the form of my hero academia fanfiction lmao but that doesn't make it any less real.

maybe it will reach someone. maybe it won't.

but one day, she'll be able to do the thing she loved more than anything in the world again, because nothing is ever truly lost.

there is a future worth fighting for.

#oh wow i got like super emotional writing this lmao #i am so sorry anon i know this is not what you intended behind this message lol #thank you so much for reading and for your kind words #and apologies #for kind of...... letting it get away from me lmao #recovery is not linear. i still struggle with my mental health #its been like 10 years and thinking about it still feels fresh #but. like. yeah. recovery is possible. happiness is possible.#it might seem like you will never get better #god. i KNOW.#but it does. and it will.#and you are not alone

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ravenwolfie97 · 4 months

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okay i have to talk about this because it's been really bothering me lately and i need to say something before i explode

so lately i've been noticing on many videos, shortform or otherwise, that they include subtitles! awesome! super helpful and cool

but idk if it's always been a problem and i'm only noticing it now, or if it's gotten particularly bad lately, but... recently a lot of those subtitles are really really bad

slight tangential anecdote: i used to do some freelance captioning work in between real job hunting, and it was a good experience. i was already interested in doing it, obviously, but i was coached on proper captioning etiquette and guidelines to make it look as nice and readable as possible while also transcribing the audio as best as i could before my superiors would touch it up. so i do know a thing or two about proper subtitling, but even if you didn't you would Know that there are some serious problems right now

i'll give a few non-specific examples (bc i'm too lazy to hunt them down to show you). there is a pretty popular (i think) youtube shorts personality who mostly does reaction-based videos, like i think it's actually mostly tiktok stitches reuploaded to yt shorts. but anyway this person, along with most other tiktok people who have subtitles for their lil internet rambles, are probably only basing off of their voice, like there's some kind of auto-caption that gets most of the words right, save for a couple small ones. i can understand that especially for the reaction/vlog crowd who are just trying to pump out videos, but like. i also follow john and hank green. they also reupload their tiktok stitches to yt shorts and have subtitles. and guess what? they're flawless. immaculate. you Can change them. or maybe they just talk better idk my point still stands that there is issue here stemming from having the computer do it with minimal to no touch-up. which leads me to my next example

one of the first nails in the coffin recently was this one pokemon youtube shorts guy i kept getting where he'd look into old game saves. all of the videos are subtitled, but similar to the tiktoks, it appears to be transcribing the voice on its own. what's worse and the most important here is that - remember - this is a series of pokemon videos. saying a pokemon name and expecting an AI to understand what that is out the gate is insane. and it doesn't. any time a pokemon's name is said, it just spews out words that are vaguely similar-sounding standard english words. and it's never the same each time too, which is fun. this is where taking the time to edit or even give a smidge of a damn to the craft of your video really would mean a lot, because for as many as i've seen it turns me even more off every time i see those shitty subtitles. but unfortunately that's not the worst i've seen in the last few days

the one that hurt me so much i physically could not stand it, to the point that i left a Comment on how bad it was, was an edit of a streamer's twitch VOD. normally, this streamer uploads snippets of their streams to yt shorts and has really good and well-edited captions there! i usually have nothing to complain about from this guy. but this one particular video... i don't know if it's because it's an older VOD and someone's just been holding on to it for months, or if it was a huge rush job, or What. but this video had literally the worst captions i had ever seen. they were just slapped down in chunks, not even lining up with the people who were talking, a negligible amount of punctuation, literally the barest minimum of effort. but that's not all! let's not forget that this is an edited clipshow, and there are Effects and Transitions for not only the video itself but the text as well! so SOME amount of effort was put into this because it got actually edited into a decent-sized video instead of just being a small clip. it's literally makes me sick i am so unhappy about it

main point, TL;DR, moral of the story: for the love of all that is holy, please remember that captioning is literally an accessibility feature. some people cannot hear or are unable to listen to videos sometimes, and i can't imagine what a hearing-impaired person who relies on subtitles to engage with videos would think watching either of my last two examples. what makes it worse, too, is that i can't even tell these people to hire someone to do it for them, because oftentimes they DO have people to do that work for them. and they still fuck it up. and then they continue on, to churn out more content. ugh just take a moment to remember that captions are not just for engagement. they're a tool, and some people can use only those as their guide through your video. don't make it impossible to parse. the purpose of them is to be read and understood. and you can't do that if the sentences are in overlapping chunks or if your words are too non-standard to be translated by a computer

#they at least all do a better job at captioning than youtube's built-in auto feature #it's okay in a pinch but it's really. really not good #but man do y'all remember when they Came Out with closed captioning and how incredibly and genuinely awful it was?#as well as unintentionally hilarious?#i must be one of the only people as obsessed with rhett and link's multi-layered cc translation series of videos today as from eons ago #a many charisma wrist to you and to all a good night

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fandommemequeen · 5 months

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my 2023.

yearly retrospective time LETZ GO!!!

last year i said 2022 sucked but uh,, 2023 was definitely worse :'o)

with the rise in queerphobic legistlation, school getting progressively harder to stay on track with, my dad dying, and just everything else that ive had to endure this year, its been difficult. but.. i somehow made it.

and you might be wondering how i got through everything. did i touch grass and magically everything was sunshine and rainbows? buy some overpriced self help book or online course that changed my life? No <3

i just,, did what i normally do. i played video games, talked with my friends, watched youtube, brainrotted over fandoms, listened to music, came up with cool outfits, somehow made it through skool, drew, wrote, cosplayed, roleplayed, made kandi and crafts, and just overall found ways to find joy in the small things, which goes a long way when youre trans in a world where your joy is an act of rebellion.

i also had some cool fandom moments this year! season 7 of siivagunner has been AWESOME, return to dream land deluxe was great even if it fricked with the lore a little, THE TOH FINALE WAS SO FRICKIN GOOD, marios madness may be my new fave fnf mod, NPMD THREW ME BACK INTO MY HATCHETFIELD FIXATION, i FINALLY got the kirby planet robobot soundtrack cd and the limited edition quiznos training game physical edition, i found ways to actually enjoy WDY again and leave behind itz toxic fandom, i got into pokepasta, tintn, gogos crazy bones, playtime with percy, inside job, tadc, i started listening to mal blum and against me and chonny jash, im currently being dragged into eggotama as we speak and im getting back into mpdsap,,

but the fandom that had the most impact for me this year was the june archive and restoration project. getting into TJA led me to discover bowlbys other works and get into one of the best fandoms ive ever been in, thanks in part to the june archive and restoration project fanserver. ive met so many cool people through that server, and getting to chat and VC with them has always been a blast. [yknow what? shoutout to all my friends that ive loved talking with all throughout 2023 yall are awesome]

back to life stuff for a moment here, i got to do a lotta cool stuff this year! i FINALLY homebrewed my 3ds [with a bit of help from jaco xd], GOT TO SEE THE HAUNTING OF NIGHT VALE LIVE, put together some awesome cosplays for gencon and halloween, im getting better at rhythm games, i got SECOND PLACE in my skoolz national cybersecurity codebreakers competition, i had an awesome bday, i went to go see barbie [my first movie in theaters since lockdown] and fnaf and both were AWESOME!! all of this despite everything thats happened in 2023!

and as for my creative projectz,, DIGIVERSE REBOOT EPISODE 3 FINALLY RELEASED BACK IN MAY!!!!!! holy frick i was SO PROUD of that,, in addition, ive been doing character reveals for gamerz epic megamix take, i created the doomed timelines awoken au, and ive strengthened my artstyle into what it is today while learning how to use my drawing tablet :3

in addition, getting into TJA and watching bowlbys animation legacy made me think about my past as a creator, and i started work on giving my old book ocs from my days in the TWOW fandom the care and attention they deserve, even if it means some slight redesigns or rewrites. speaking of TWOW, EWOW IS OUT AND IM GETTING BACK INTO TWOW AFTER YEARS!! feelz good to be back, and im hoping i can maybe properly host a minitwow at some point in 2024!

overall 2023 wasnt great, but i stayed silly and had fun despite it and i think thatz very swag of me!

now, every time i do one of these things, if i do an overconfident "bring it on" type message at the end i almost always end up regretting it, AND i am absolutely terrified about 2024 so i am not taking my chances!

so i leave u with this sentiment towards 2024 instead:

i gotta survive The Horrors anyway, might as well stay silly and do what i like while im doing it :3

#long post #yearly retrospective #family death mention

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parker-fyraga · 9 months

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Pokémon Redux

Hey guys, welcome to a new little here and there thing I’m doing where I draw a Pokémon and change around it’s typing and some of it’s Stats and Learnset to give it a bit of oomph! Now before ya go in further, remember that this is for fun and I’m not the most knowledgeable in balancing in Pokémon. This is mostly to make the Pokémon better in any game than a specific one, so I won’t touch abilities or held item options. Now, onto the drawing and rework!

The first mon I want to focus on is Flareon, since it’s my #1 favorite Pokémon. I love fire types, and Eevee is such a cool concept, so when I saw that Flareon got no love I was… upset to say the least.

They originally had a high physical attack when it learned no actual physical moves of the fire typing that was actually viable to it’s battle capabilities. Instead of giving it a unique physical move to use, or giving it one of the many limited moves that either do little damage or cause harm to it, I’ve chosen to give it a higher Special Attack! I also took 20 points from what would’ve become the Attack stat and put it into HP to give Flareon a bit more needed survivability in battles! I’ve seen a lot of people viewing them as not having the survivability to justify its low offensive power, and visa versa, so with these changes I’ve chosen to address both to make neither not as big of a problem!

When it comes to Flareon’s moves, I wanted to change almost nothing. Flareon had a lot of good special fire type movies in it’s many iterations, so it makes sense that if I gave it a special buff not much needed to change. You could put Fire Blast on it more towards later levels and what not, but Flamethrower and Heatwave carry it pretty hard in terms of good fire type special moves. Swift is also great since it uses special attack, and moves like Double Team are awesome for utility. Shock Wave is a good coverage move, not being the strongest electric type move, but not being too shabby either.

This a good filler project to have as I work on BM, so if any of you are interested in some of these, show some support! This grants me something to post while I wait for my art to come up in the projects they were made for while I also write stuff for my system core and get through this current semester! Thanks for the support guys and hope to see ya more later!

- Fyraga

#art #pokemon #rpg #jrpg #jrpg fanart #pokeart #pokeblr #pokemon remakes #commission art #commisionwork #commisions open

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sajdd · 2 years

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its a bit crazy to me how vividly i can remember where i was during mcyt moments. like i remember how i was back at home because of the first quarantine, just laying in bed chilling on my phone while the sun was starting to go down when i got the notif for when tommy "broke" into wilburs office, i can remember the taste and smell of the fish and chips i ordered when watching sbi+tubbo in twitch rivals while live-reacting with my friend in discord, i remember sitting in the dark with only my screen lighting up the room of the house i had moved into with my friends for second year, watching sadists warriors animatic on loop since it just premiered and being so amazed by it

i know these dont sound special, and its hard to describe, but i remember some of these moments so vividly.. what i was feeling, where i was physically and emotionally, what was happening in my life at that time. and i know we all have our own memories to these times and i just think thats cool. im genuinely really glad to have gotten into this fandom, its gotten me through some rough times and these memories mean a lot to me because ive changed a lot throughout the years, but with these past 2 years, i can remember exactly where i was and what i was doing, be it for better or worse

and i know i often complain about this fandom, but also i really love it, the fact theres a bunch of people also as passionate about this silly minecraft roleplay as i am, who feel the same comfort from these content creators, ive been touched by so many things from this fandom, some made me cry, some made me laugh, you guys are cool and im glad i could carve out a small space for myself here too

aaaaaaaa i dont know why im being mushy i just got really sentimental and wanted to say something, its been awesome 👍

#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA IDK #ignore this 😋#its just that these past 3 years since uni started has changed me as a person SO much and so much has happened #and i just get a bit choked up thinking abt it #for good and bad reasons #and this happens to be the fandom ive had along for this ride so yeah #i mean i have vivid memories of other thigns too #but with these i can pin it to a specific time and location too #idk this is a bit silly krgfbnjkgfjn #im just talking really #i be talking

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bigskydreaming · 3 years

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I kinda wanna fucking scream, so here, have a offline bullshit rant post.

So I’ve literally been trying to get my stupid fucking meds for over a MONTH now at this point, which I’m sure you can all see like, my mood is just wooooonderful these days. Not an excuse, casual reminder that yeah you do gotta take care of your own space so if my mood is dragging anyone down, I’m totes on board with blocking or unfollowing or y’know, burning me in effigy or something. Okay maybe not that last part. But still. You get it. And its not even that like, I need mood stabilizers per se, lol, so shout out to the armchair diagnosticians helpfully peppering my inbox still in their quest to oh so slickly be like ‘hey you’re a hot mess, take your hot messness away from tumblr’ like lol, didn’t ask.....nah, its mostly the perpetual lack of sleep and chronic pain issues that I have zero distraction from when my specific combo of meds isn’t able to let me actually weaponize my ADHD properly and power through that. Its a whole thing. Whatever. Just go with it.

POINT IS. So I’ve been trying to do this for over a month now, first obstacle was even just getting the money together for my refill appointment which is a whopping $150, because I have to pay out of pocket for mental health stuff these days because I had to switch my insurance over to something that paid out more heavily for physical benefits like my jaw surgery.....and because of the pandemic, and how many psychiatrists in my area and that I could actually reach aren’t taking new patients during the pandemic since most of them are conducting business virtually still, like, I have barely any resources for seeking out and trying new psychiatrist offices in the meanwhile that might charge less and I’m kinda stuck with the one I have because the last thing I can afford is to have like, NO psychiatrist at the moment, y’know?

So first I had to have that to even BOOK the appointment, which took forever because rent and food are a joy to accrue when you can barely manage to function as an actual employee of the capitalist machine ahfsklhflkahflakf, but so then I did that and like, got an appointment put on the books for August 19th. That was the soonest they could fit me in back when I paid them for my appointment about a week and a half ago. No, two weeks ago now? Eh, time is fake. ANYWAY, so that wasn’t gonna work for me, so basically the entirety of last week was devoted to constantly calling and trying to check in every other hour to see if they had any sooner cancellations I could take, because for whatever fucking reason, they just ‘don’t do’ a cancellation list wherein they call the next person on the list once they have a cancellation. Whatever.

So finally got a cancellation slot with a virtual appointment last Saturday night at random as fuck 8:40. Okay cool. Most of my refills are fairly simple, no real changes, but two are controlled substances so like, they have to do their due diligence and go through the proper protocols before giving me another prescription to one or whatever. Fine. Okay.

So I call the CVS they sent the prescription for my ADHD med to, the very next morning. One of the controlled substances, and the key med to like....making me functional instead of a rambling disjointed whirlibird of a thought emitter. Problem is, that medication is on back order. Won’t be in until Tuesday. Ugh. Okay, fine. Nothing I can do about it, because while the specific provider I spoke to in order to GET my refill prescriptions was taking an appointment the night before, the actual offices that schedule appointments and connect patients through to their providers was closed for the weekend, so I couldn’t even ask for them to send the scrip somewhere else.

SO. I go back to the CVS on Monday, hoping that maybe it came in early because not like I can do much else in the meanwhile. Course its not there, but oh well. I toy with the idea of calling to ask my provider to send the scrip to a different pharmacy (only had it sent to this one cuz its within walking distance to me, and since I can’t drive for medical reasons and Uber’s are expensive as fuck, just for errands, like, even though walking is sooooo not fun for me physically, like it is what it is). I decide against it because here’s another fun fact about this controlled substance....for security reasons, pharmacies don’t have to tell people over the phone if they have it in stock or not. Like, they won’t just say no we don’t have it in stock - I mean, they WILL say that, but that doesn’t actually mean anything because that’s what most of them say about that particular medication no matter whether or not they DO, and then just cite security protocols, so you have to actually GO to the store in question to ask them and even get a real answer to whether or not they even HAVE it in stock to FILL a prescription if its sent over. And no, the provider won’t just send scrips into several different pharmacies at once and just be whichever has it in stock can fill it - because again, controlled substance.

SO. I decide its not worth it to try getting the scrip sent over somewhere else, because I’d have to at least waste money on an Uber to even travel to various pharmacies and even check if they CAN fill it sooner than this one, when at least this place will have it in tomorrow. Its just one more day at this point.

Except then I go back on Tuesday. Oh sorry, don’t know why that other person told you we’d have our order in today, our shipments of that medication don’t come in until Wednesdays.

So I go back Wednesday. Success! They have it in stock. I go to pay, pulling out my goodRx coupon that was just printed out that morning, specifically citing the price for CVS at Target. The pharmacy manager says sorry, we don’t honor that coupon here for controlled substances like this one. I say: record scratch? He’s like yeah, that’s at the discretion of individual pharmacies, and we don’t honor that price for this specific medication, because we don’t want to attract customers only coming here to get that medication filled for that price. (This pharmacy is right at the edge of Inglewood and Culver City, for anyone who is familiar with those neighborhoods. The implications are exactly as they appear to be). So I’m like, what’s the regular generic price? He quotes me something that’s $180 more than the coupon, and thus $180 more than I have since I was focused totally on getting THIS amount ASAP, so I could get these meds so I could do more work and make more money. You see the train of thought. I’m like well that’s awesome, I don’t have anything close to that. Hey. Weird question. Why did nobody I talked to the past three days in a row that I’ve walked into this store in person to request this refill, like, mention this little tidbit about not honoring this coupon so instead of waiting for a backorder that would do me no good, I could have been spending that time having my prescription transferred somewhere that WOULD honor it?

He’s like, well did you mention to any of them that you’d be using a goodRx coupon for this particular medication? I said, yup. He said, you sure? I said well the specific process each time was I came in, I asked if this medication was in, they said what’s your name and date of birth, I provided that info, they said are you paying out of pocket, we don’t have valid insurance info for this on file for you, I said yup paying out of pocket with a goodRx coupon, they said *clickety clack of the keyboard* nope, sorry, we won’t have this medicine in until Tuesday, I mean Wednesday.

He’s like, well you must be misremembering or they would have told you at the time that we don’t take GoodRx coupons on this medication. I’m like, dude, it was you. It was literally you that I spoke to two of those three times, right here at the counter, in person. I’m gonna go ahead and trust my memory of those interactions and what was said there over yours since you don’t actually remember having talked to me two times in the last three days. He’s like, I gotta go help another customer. There is no other customer. I leave. Fun day for everyone.

So then I call around town to at least check which CVS will actually honor the coupon I have and the price that I can afford to pay it at. I don’t bother asking if they even have the medication in stock because I know its not guaranteed to be a CORRECT answer, but at least I can see who accepts this damn coupon. Also, reason I’m only trying big brand pharmacies instead of smaller, hole in the wall ones is because again, controlled substance, and I know from experience that the bigger brand pharmacies are at least more likely to have that med in stock whereas most smaller ones tend to run out very quickly as they usually only get enough for their existing/regular customers and a little extra.

I find a CVS five miles away - not walkable, gonna have to Uber. Call my psychiatrist office again to ask them to transfer the scrip, front office says they’ll send the request to my provider, who usually checks and fulfills such requests in 24-48 hours. I’m like okay cool, can I get a phone call to let me know when that happens, so at least I know when to check back to follow up if it hasn’t happened yet for whatever reason? They’re like no, the pharmacy will send you a text or call when they get the prescription sent over and you can take it from there with them. I’m like okay, but I’ve done this a bunch of times and know from experience the pharmacy does NOT in fact always call or text, so is there a certain time to follow up to inquire if the provider has already sent the scrip and the pharmacy SHOULD have it by now or if the delay is on the provider’s end? Front office is like yeah no. I’m like, swell.

So that was yesterday. I call the pharmacy (which I still don’t even know if they have the medication IN STOCK to fill the scrip even once they GET the scrip, and won’t until I can actually Uber out there, but one thing at a time at this point) at like 9 pm, they’re a 24 hour pharmacy, and they’re like nope, we got nothing (this is after spending an hour and a half on hold to even TALK to someone at the pharmacy). Called them again today at noon, still nada. Technically I have another 29 hours before the window in which the provider is supposed to send the refill scrip to this new location, before I can be like, okay so they still haven’t done it, can we send him a nudge or another request. The 24-48 hour window will only actually EXPIRE after their offices close on Friday meaning it’ll be Monday before I can even actually REACH someone again to ask them to send the scrip again, if the pharmacy hasn’t ACTUALLY gotten it by Friday night, and pessimistically, I’m not super inclined to assume that they will at this point.

I’m antsy, irritable, hungry because I don’t even know for SURE sure if the new pharmacy will ACTUALLY honor the coupon or say no sorry we don’t do that here either, whoever told you that was wrong, or if they’ll even actually have it in stock versus I’ll have to have it sent somewhere else AGAIN, so I have to pinch every penny possible in order to ensure I have the most money possible once my prescription IS filled in case the price is more than I expected again or in case I have to take Ubers there or further than I expected or basically....shit happens that I don’t expect. And this is what I’m basically spending all my time doing instead of working, because trying to get work done in this state is like....the harder I try to make it happen, the less it actually gets done, so I try and prioritize this and its roadblock after roadblock dragging out and wasting my time, and like yeah, I can post and shit while I’m doing this aka sitting on hold or walking around town trying to get shit filled because its fine if I ramble incoherently along the way in posts, but actual WORK work requires like....fucking coherency and succinctness and not having to stop and start every five minutes to call someone else, and oh yeah, being able to power through migraine spikes. And just.

I’m very annoyed about anything and everything to do with this shit. The hoops you have to jump through to even get the stuff that like....actualizes your hoop jumping ability, is just....*gnashing of teeth*

Anyway. So that’s my offline bullshit rant. Yay. The end.

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milkacchan · 4 years

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Class 1A's big sister

A lil idea I had

And there's so much too it I couldn't get it all down

Sorry this is so sloppy!!

• As we all know, class 1A has assigned parents

• Aizawa is the dad

• There is no mom

• Its just Aizawa

• but you're considered class 1A's big sister!!

• how exciting

• You're part of 3A

• And part of Mirios friend group, though not considered in the big 3, you're pretty close

• It started off when Mirio met 1A during that one lil training thing

• And for some reason you were also required to go

• Idk, nezu said something about pep talk

• So after Mirio beat the everliving shot out of everyone there, you stepped in

"All of you are weak." You started and Tamaki cringed. "Granted, Mirio is bigger, stronger, and older. But his advantage isn't his quirk. His quirk kinda sucks actually."

"Hey!" He gasped.

"He trains his body. Your physical body is far more important than any quirk you may have. You need to be able to win a fight without using it. You need to be able to survive without it. If you can't win or keep up a fight with no quirk, you're useless. At some point during your knife, your quirk will be taken. Temporarily blocked, Mr. Aizawa for example has the power to do that. You need to be able to hold your own when that happens or you will die. The amount of you I saw solely depending on quirks was disturbing."

• So that was their first impression of you

• Scary n mean

• Idk tho, Deku and bakugou do be feeling kinda inspired

• Scary n mean

• but BOY if that doesn't change real fucking quick

• happens out of nowhere too

• Denki's having a little problem with some bullies

• And you step in with NO mercy, hand gripping the kids face and pushing him back.

• "Denki isn't stupid. UA is a strict school and based on the papers that just fell from your notebook, he's doing better than you."

• and he's 👁👄👁

• Eyes wide, low key thinks he's gonna cry bc you stood up for him no questions asked

• Same thing happens when Aoyama is feeling down, you happen to come across him sulking in the courtyard. You give him the support and push he needs

• This goes on with most of the students though

• You're just there for them

• and they ask Mirio about it and he laughs "Oh yeah, she's always been like that. She seems scary at first, but she's a really good person."

• and then the impression changes

• You're still mean n scary just not to them

• You're with Mirio a lot

• And he keeps in contact with class 1A

• Obviously he's gotta

• And they grow particularly close to you

• A lot of them going to you for advice

• @ Todoroki asking you if you thought he was 'okay' because he couldn't pick up on things like other people could

• And @ you giving him a 45 minutes explanation on why that was the dumbest shit you ever heard and why he was awesome

• his ability to pick up on social cues has no affect on who he is as a person

• He thrived on that, because it was tough love but the support was wholeheartedly there. Like actual family support

• genuinely made him feel better

• The big sister thing really kicks off after the internship shot goes down

• They see you almost die for a chunk of them and after that there's no doubt they can trust you with things

• Like at that point there's no question

• The bakusquad deadass breaks into your funding dorm one afternoon and just wants for you to get back so they can talk to you

• not even like anything serious, they just wanted to hang out with you

• they love you 🥺

• Mina takes to you fr fr tho

• bitch goes to you w all the tea

"Ooooh sis I got tea,"

"Oh bitch what'd he do?"

• You'll deadass stop what you're doing to hear her rant

• it fr a vibe

• Its not always just advice related

• A lot of times they just wanna hang out

• You're cool. You're their friend. You vibe without asking too many questions

• Easy conversations and what not

• Movies, reading and shit like that

• I mean even Bakubro gets comfortable with you

• Bakugou isn't super open, but he still tells you things

• They're vague (about who's involved usually) but the main point stands and he'll ask you about it

• bc he's not the best with emotion and he knows this, and sometimes he can't come to the conclusion that he needs to

• and you're there to help w that

• One time Deku called you crying, and you put down what you were doing so fast

• Someone most definitely got beat up

• REASSURING THEM IN YOUR OWN WAY THAT THEYRE OKAY

• THEY LIVE FOR THE REINFORCEMENT

• You've gotten into fist fights for the gremlins in 1A

• No cap

• And you'll do it again

• without hesitation

• Tutoring do be a thing

• "You had this project when you were a 1st year please help,"

"Sit down you stupid fuck, pull out your papers."

"Thank you thank you thank you,"

• Your best subject is literature

• your second best is history

• Tutoring usually takes place after school and usually in a group

• In comfort though, you despise the class room design tho

• Phones are taken away and music is playing softly in the background

• You make them snacks on big training days

• They just vibe w you tbh

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mejomonster · 1 year

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Love to Hate You:

It's a romcom, so remember not my typical genre. So while I'm hit or miss about it, the fact I'm finishing it already means its pretty awesome to keep my attention even though its not even a genre I like

The guy with long hair is so hot, so lovely, I'm Suffering. He's from Flower of Evil (played one of the bad guys) and is an excellent actor at horror and, apparently, comedy. He plays a guy who can't act which is <3. Truly our flight attendant girl is living my dream. Id also be !!!! And like??? What OTHER dramas is he in??? Because I really do think he's an excellent actor, I want to see him in more

So the genre is romcom. But to sell it to my mutuals: it's got an action movie being filmed in it so the lead actor guy does practice fight training and movie stunts, and the lead lawyer likes to do vigilante fights and later trains the actor guy and does some stunt work. As a result, thankfully for me, there's a few cool fight scenes every so often to keep me engaged ToT. Now no one's life is in danger and it's not high stakes plot wise lol, so most of the fights don't keep Much of my attention... but hey I'm happy there's more than zero action scenes at least

I really REALLY like how this show handles tropes. Or rather, how in many ways it totally avoids them.

By that I mean: it occasionally calls attention to kdrama romance tropes like rich ceo/poor girl, older man oppa/younger woman, man paying for woman once they marry, dating a celebrity in secret. And then it intentionally (which I think shows very nice writing skill) does not use the trope in the way its usually done, or if the trope IS used then it's used very intentionally and for a plot purpose deeper than just using it to signal something with a cheap writing shortcut. Like... you might write a pretty girl into a "lawyer for rich man" role and then have the rich guy see her and find her cute, her swoon over him, and you the writer get to Skip explaining WHY the fuck these people would like each other (besides physically). Whereas in this show the writing intentionally does not make it easy for themselves by dropping into a preexisting trope Just to rely on it. The lawyer is hot to the rich actor, but she pissed him off by tripping him first meeting so he doesn't automatically think of her as cute or even a love option. She initially sees him saying rude things about women, so her first impression of him is NOT liking him and her further impressions are full of her making surface judgements and acting in a way she finds morally superior but then eats her bitter pie when she runs into reality eventually. The writing does the work itself of showing What these characters would ACTUALLY interact like if they run into each other, what it takes for them to grow and change, and what work it takes for them to actually grow crushes. It's the harder writing choice, but also (for me) a much more satisfying one. It means I can trust the writers to actually have reasons and character development for choices made, and for when tropes are used, instead of fearing anyone will be ooc or some shortcut in a romance will be made (whereas i find gradual believable builds more satisfying). Now that said, a trope can and is satisfying also when used just the way its intended when the characters are written To Work in that trope and match the trope used (crash landing on you had multiple "opposite sides argue fall in love" and the characters FIT that story type well). Just for me, I can also really appreciate when a show uses tropes that don't fit it by actually developing things until they naturally do fit it. Idk I hope I'm explaining well ToT

Basically, it's relying on its own writing vision. I don't feel I'm being dragged through a narrative that relies on tropes, instead I feel I'm having a fun story journey that sometimes features tropes either when they actually fit or as an intentional subversion (such as the main actor disliking younger women/older men dynamics and oppa, the lawyer hating relying on a man financially, and the ceo/flight girl matching a dynamic but the flight attendant girl aware and Trying Not To be that way, the bitter ex at yeos work being both a jerk but also... not sabotaging her or clinging so ridiculously he becomes a huge obstacle, that would've been the easier conflict writing choice but the more interesting choice I think is what they did... to not make him as big a deal as other conflicts, the intentional way women actresses are written in this almost comically annoying says something too... and while I think it misses the mark somewhat in that it feels like it shallows the actress characters, I think it does succeed at showing them as like "how romcoms paint women in fiction sometimes" versus the flight attendant and lawyer and older actress who act more like women you meet in real life which is an interesting contrast Within a kdrama itself)

I'm really into long haired guy please what other kdramas was he in... ;-;

It's actually funny af at times. Now if the humor lands is really gonna depend on you. I personally love when comedy in a genre is self aware, and subverts sometimes or does realism over genre norms, and this show is Aware it's a romcom and uses romcom norms to make some of its jokes. So they Really land with me lmao.

I actually really love the actor guy. I love that 1 he has such a close friendship he gets read as gay by strangers, cayse let's be real having a friend that close is Nice (and in my experience platonic love is far more obtainable and reliable at times than romantic love so it's nice to see BOTH leads have such good platonic friendships with people who basically partner them in life). Actually all friendships in this show come off as important, which I value a lot in a romance story. But back to actor guy: I love that he's 36 and single. I love that his first ex hurt him so bad he feels repulsed kissing. I remember after my first big heartbreak, I'd cry when trying to get intimate with new ppl. It's nice to see not everyone reacts the same, sometimes people take pain hard and take years to process, that it is an ongoing process. I like that he's slow to date and is mindful about slowly opening up. I like seeing that kind of character on screen in general, and especially in a romance where I feel like it's not as often. I like that he isn't the only character with some baggage and mindfulness about falling in love (or even just dating) a new person. Adults have baggage, people in their 30s have had failed relationships sometimes and scars from old messes. Seeing every character have their own way of coping with their scars and either embracing being open to xonnection again like the old actress, or fearful (in some ways both leads), or interested in dating but unsure if it's time or who it should be with (ceo and flight attendant) is nice. It's realistic. Real romance isn't absolutely perfect and quick, it's a process with yourself of risking being vulnerable and trusting and attempting to connect to another, and them doing it too. And I like that this show feels realistic in That way.

It is rather nice, I'll admit, to watch a show where the only big stake is heartbreak (and a lost paycheck). I like high action/suspense More. But I get the appeal. If anyone has other romance recs that have Realistic romances (as in like this show the tropes are at most a bit wild but portrayed in a realistic mostly grounded way and Most Importantly the characters feel like real flawed adults just trying as people do), I'd be open to checking them out. (I guess if it helps? I liked the romances in Crash Landing on You and Flower of Evil, but they're more suspense than Just Romance lol)

I like the way this show Balances some Outlandish tropes with realism, so it's like a middle ground? You DO get to enjoy the fantasy of a person dating an actor, but with an imperfect portrayal of an actor with regular flaws, you DO get a rich CEO but hes also got a lot of ppl depending on him and emotionally doesn't think about himself as much as everyone, you do get a capable woman as a lead but her heart doesn't give much of a fuck about actual love so it's a struggle to Get to possibly loving).

Anyway if some romcoms are your thing, this is a fun show so far

#love to hate you #lb #rant

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haleigh-sloth · 3 years

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I have a question but why do you think so many people are against Dabi/Touya getting a redemption arc or getting saved? Like some are against him being saved but are all down for Shiggy and Toga to be saved? I usually see the same argument and it’s frustrating! Like before I explain myself just want to say I’m not hating on Shiggy or do I feel like he’s any less worth saving but I see these arguments that leave me baffled. So the arguments I have seen before is some people don’t think Dabi/Touya can be redeemed or saved because he has murdered 30+ people, but like Shiggy has probably killed the same amount of not more people so that logic doesn’t really cut it. So why does it make a difference? Like why are people so against Dabi/Touya being saved or redeemed?

Well, I'll start this by saying that Shigaraki has ABSOLUTELY KILLED MORE PEOPLE HOLY SHIT DUDE. It's not even up for debate 😂 that boy flattened two cities with the touch of a hand. Shiggy is my favorite hands down and I'll defend the boy til I die but he has done so much more damage. That's kind of the point to his arc--actually. But anyways~

Content Warning of abuse below the cut a bit further down--

So with that--I've wondered the same thing you're asking. Why is Touya getting so much hate? Why not redeem him? Well, there's a few reasons that I have seen:

Endeavor- This is the first and foremost reason I can see for Touya having so many antis. This is something I can't grasp or fathom--Why do so many people like Endeavor? Or more like--why do so many people want to see an abuser thrive and his victim be put down? I can understand wanting to see an abuser better himself AND wanting to see the victim thrive, and I can see people wanting the abuser to be put down and the victim to thrive. But to just want the abuser to come out on top? No. Fuck you. (not you anon). So for whatever reason that I cannot fathom, people can't stand the idea of Touya surviving, being saved and redeemed, because it means that Enji has failed (which he already has but--again I really don't understand that side of the fandom and quite frankly I don't want to). So yeah, Endeavor has a lot of ridiculous fans. Hawks- I've already talked about how ridiculous some of the Hawks-stans are. I'm sorry but---they're fucking ridiculous. Some of them need to step away from their computer, go outside, breath some outside air, and shut the fuck up. And let me tell you---we sometimes joke about how the hero-stan side of the fandom lacks critical thinking skills and can't read past the surface--but I want to disagree with to an extent. I can tell you right now, Hawks's stans saw THIS:

And they knew. Seeing Hawks remain in the dark while Dabi walked toward the light. They knew what this was foretelling. And they didn't like it. And then this happened:

And they DEFINITELY did not like that. And then Dabi went and made fried chicken out of him and they found more reason to hate him with all their being. Hawks was kind of set up to die heroically--and even though his arc is pretty bad right now, I still think that at this point that’s the best ending for him. For me, he’s gone too long without even remotely thinking of changing his ideologies, and has been backing Endeavor unquestionably for a bit too long now. It’s just not looking good for him survival-wise. And his stans either SEE this very clearly and are in denial and need something to hate in order to deal with it, OR they really just aren’t looking as deep into the story as they need to. Those panels I used above though honestly tell it all. That being said he very well may survive and not have any consequences from his low point at all--but then he gets thrown in the “BNHA’s shittiest written arcs” pile. But whatever.

Also--shoutout to the blogs I follow and people I talk to who genuinely LOVE Hawks’s character but like--aren’t ridiculous about it and don’t harass people in their inboxes about it. Who also try to understand his character and not just make him out to be a uwu baby that never did anything wrong. TRUE Hawks-stans if I ever saw em.

Shouto--This is FAR less common than the other two reasons, but I have seen a few people who think this. They love Shouto (understandably--he’s a fluffy boy who needs a hug from his big brother Touya), but they think that Touya is going to be Shouto’s “final boss”, or his mortal enemy or something. Which--idk if they just refuse to read into Shouto’s awesome character on purpose or not, but he is not about to go out there and try to kill his big brother, who he never got to know, who he KNOWS suffered because of their father, and who is very very clearly in physical, mental, and emotional pain. Again--Shouto-stans are a far less part of the problem. But I’ve seen this misunderstanding of Shouto’s character go around a few times.

This next one is also big, and kind of falls into the same category with Endeavor up top--but it’s such a huge issue that I’m seeing that it needs its own paragraph: People don’t understand children’s behaviors, abuse, abusive family dynamics, and just child psychology in general. Child psychology is hard to understand--but also very simple. It’s hard as an adult to think back to how black and white the world was when you were a kid. Your parents were your safe place--they were your guardians. Or rather--they were supposed to be. This isn’t always the case though. And the Todoroki family exhibits a lot of realistic aspects of abuse. Even though the Todoroki backstory was very messily written--one thing is absolute: Endeavor emotionally abused his child. The issue is that Shouto’s and Rei’s physical abuse was shown FIRST in the story--and THEN we were shown what really happened with Touya wasn’t so easily identified as abuse (I mean it is--to me, but not to everybody). And people got stuck on comparing Touya’s and Shouto’s childhood instead of viewing them as two completely separate crimes Endeavor committed against his family. And they misunderstand Touya’s behaviors. Peep back at when I said that your parents are supposed to be your safe place--well, for Touya, Enji WAS his safe place, his guardian, his world. And then suddenly all of that disappeared without reason (good reason I mean). And that takes a serious toll on a child. I could honestly go on and on and on about this topic in particular but it’s not necessary for this ask. The point is---people don’t think Touya was actually abused or that he suffered as a child. They seriously lack an understanding when it comes to stuff like that. And they aren’t shy about showing it to the rest of the internet.

The last reason which I think kind of encompasses all of these reasons: People don’t understand redemption arcs--because they’re not your run of the mill Heroes vs. Villains story. It makes it to where it’s not clearly obvious whose side you should take. I guess people don’t like that---but I love it. Why not take BOTH sides?

You get to have more fun this way imo. You get to watch and see how the two sides come together--rather than just stick to one ideology til the end. I think it’s because people don’t like having their ideals, beliefs, and values challenged. It may be personal for some people--but forgiveness is a touchy subject as well. And I also think a lot of people very much think that the rules of our reality should exist within fiction. People forget that fiction exists for us to escape reality--I don’t know why this is so easily forgotten. But what’s cool about fictional stories is that everybody can have a happy ending--no matter how many atrocities they committed, people they hurt/killed, because guess what? NOBODY ACTUALLY GOT HURT!

But anyway---these are the conclusions I’ve come to regarding why Touya has so many haters. Some are legitimate reasons (the last two I listed) and some are just outright ridiculous (the first three I listed).

I’m not bothered though. I would LIKE to say that when these villain-saving chapters come out I’ll laugh hysterically at all the villain-haters’ reactions---BUT I already blocked almost all of them. 😂

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tobeornottotc · 4 years

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ADACHI AND KUROSAWA- THE MEANING OF TOUCH

First thing first: Touch can be physical (come into contact with something), internal (emotional, feeling touched, concerned sympathy and gratitude) or mental/psychic (an effect on something: talent, skill or presence). In the dictionary, there are so many meanings for touch, but this show focused on this three.

Episode 7 was all about touch, touch and even more TOUCH. In a show where the premise is on the magical abilities of touch being used to help and ease the lives of people including our main character, we come to see in this episode just how much touch is needed even in his new blossoming relationship with Kurosawa. How these two discover how much they need the other's touch is so incredible, and I love it so much. So here's my breakdown for it :) Here are instances this episode where touch happened and what it meant for these two cuties.

The confession with the touch:

Kurosawa has just confessed, and he's about to lean forward and touch Adachi's cheek a sign of affection; Kurosawa feels rejected and a burden to Adachi. Adachi flinches because of anxiety in his head: The touch was to show sincerity and love, but at this time, they both are too scared.

Adachi and his anxiety

Again it wasn't that Adachi didn't want Kurosawa's touch but the opposite; he was frightened because of too many thoughts in his head, his heart was racing, and his whole mind was shutting down at that moment. Kurosawa wanted something with him. He realised what was happening and then, was shocked when Kurosawa's hand fell from his cheek. Adachi knows he has to stop him from leaving, but he's frozen, still unsure that he's right for Kurosawa, still uncertain about what to say, how to phrase how he feels, still unsure of everything in his head. So he lets him leave, Kurosawa takes that as acceptance, he thinks Adachi is straight and likes girls so of course, he's not into him, it breaks his heart immensely, but he decides to stay polite and return back to them being colleagues. Machida is such a great actor, you can physically see and feel when Kurosawa feels deflated and defeated, after seven years he must say goodbye to a love that meant everything, he took a risk, but he lost everything but most importantly Adachi's touch.

The touch at this moment was not fulfilled, it was hindered and stopped by Kurosawa because both were scared: this touch meant for both of them the truth, crossing the line and risking it all to be with each other, but because Kurosawa stopped it left both of them dissatisfied and heartbroken.

Kurosawa's reason for liking Adachi

Kurosawa felt objectified, used by people who didn't really understand or know the real him. People were only viewing him on the surface, from the outside. It should feel great, but he didn't like it, he hated being objectified and not actually being noticed. But Adachi was different. Adachi noticed him; he gave him reasons why he thought he was cool why he thought he was great because, in Adachi's mind, Kurosawa is much better and awesome than him. Adachi also felt touched by Kurosawa's gesture from their first meeting, when he took the wine glass and drank for him despite not being strong enough to do so. That's why he followed him and comforted him; it's one of the automatic things with Adachi and Kurosawa, Adachi hates seeing Kurosawa hurt, so he followed him to ensure he was okay. In doing so, he also touched his heart without knowing and changed everything for Kurosawa.

Kurosawa's touch to Adachi 7 years ago: made him feel cared for, protected and happy.

Adachi's touch to Kurosawa 7 years ago: made him feel noticed, understood and appreciated.

They did this all by being near each other, but also Kurosawa decided to repay Adachi because of this hence why he never thinks a bad thought about him, he also wants Adachi to feel noticed for his efforts (therefore his thoughts and the way he protected Adachi in episode 1/2 when it came to work) he wanted Adachi to feel understood by people. He wanted people to give Adachi proper appreciation. Adachi did the same without knowing; he wanted to ensure Kurosawa felt the same way he made him feel, hence he hates him being upset at him, he hates when he's in trouble with people/work, and he hates when he feels his feelings don't matter. They both again keep trying to repay the other for how they made each other feel at their first meeting. It was a perfect match, and it started from touch.

Adachi and Kurosawa: the need to please people

It's such a meta thing that Kurosawa and Adachi met each other because of an event where both were forced to come to be objectified by one of the heads. It's interesting because the reason that keeps preventing Adachi and Kurosawa from confessing how they feel is the perception of internalised homophobia.

Adachi is worried about how society would think; he's also concerned about not being good enough for Kurosawa in people's mind. Kurosawa is scared about the same thing; that his feelings are seen as abnormal to Adachi, that he's just burdening him with his feelings etc.

All this back and forth and running away is because of both's need to please people though they both feel uncomfortable and disappointed each time they do so. Adachi has social anxiety, so although he wants to help and be useful to people, he hates situations where there's too much pressure on him and where he has to interact with strangers; he gets anxious, worried and feels stupid each time this happens. Adachi literally can't eat because of his anxiety at the dinner it's so relatable the way he feels scared about how people perceive him.

Kurosawa tries to please people by not saying how he feels; he feels inappropriate to complain about being objectified when it's meant to be viewed as a compliment, he tries his hardest to be kind and help everyone. Still, he also feels defeated and empty by the fact that if he says no, he could ruin everyone's jobs and opinions on him. They're trying to conform to social expectations, behaviours and perceptions by not genuinely being themselves a perfect metaphor for why they both avoided confessing or ran away from admitting to the other.

They both saw through each other in that event and because of that automatically touched the other heart because of it.

Kurosawa's drunken fall

Did you notice they were two touches in this scene: One when Adachi catches Kurosawa, and the second when he puts his hand on his heart. Both can be seen literally; Adachi is saving and catching Kurosawa as he falls. Adachi is like a healing presence to him (just like the results of his magic), Adachi makes him feel safe and secure, and I find it so important to notice how Adachi does this automatically. We've watched each episode and saw Kurosawa let doubts fill his mind, about the kiss, about annoying Adachi, about being a burden but Adachi automatically runs to him and blurts out what he's thinking always erasing Kurosawa's doubt and making him feel safe to be the way he is, to like Adachi the way he has, to keep doing the things he's terrified of.

That's Adachi being his safety net without realising. Adachi wants always to make sure he's safe. It's innate in their relationship. Last Adachi is catching him when he's meant to be the one catching everyone else/ saving everyone else. Adachi is the only person who made an effort to pay attention to Kurosawa, to help Kurosawa, to also see Kurosawa just like everyone else; it was a relief to Kurosawa, it was important.

Because of this, Adachi physically, literally and metaphorically touches his heart and enters without knowing.

But the physical touch also points back to the magic that started it all for Adachi's realisation and awakening; the magic stemmed from that touch, just like in present the magic keeps helping Adachi pay attention and catch Kurosawa each time he slips, the magic was there from the start just waiting to manifest and its source was Adachi's need to show Kurosawa he was loved, listened to and looked after. That's beautiful.

Also, notice how Kurosawa and Adachi are always reading each other's minds without knowing it? We have Adachi who has the physical ability to read Kurosawa's mind, but you also have Kurosawa being able to read Adachi's mind without knowing. In this scene, Kurosawa confesses he felt useless, and he felt upset for being useless at the dinner, but Adachi was also feeling the same way, he also didn't fulfil his responsibilities at the dinner, he felt worse than Kurosawa, uncool, gloomy and a burden but hearing Kurosawa, someone he was starting to think was really impressive and cool, excellent (he showed jealousy seeing how suave Kurosawa was at the dinner), it made him feel relieved that Kurosawa was just like him, and it again increased his confidence to want to tell Kurosawa why he liked him and thought he was cool. Without knowing it, Kurosawa was metaphorically catching Adachi too and making him feel safer and less worried.

In this scene, touch meant for both of them :

A safe space to be their authentic self.

A relief that they weren't failures/useless.

Inspiration/ confidence to be even better.

They're both so great guys, so good, so pure and perfect for each other.

Adachi's memories of Kurosawa

Did you notice this too? They all had to do with Kurosawa's touch, putting a scarf around his neck, touching his cheek, carrying him, helping his wounds, helping him with his things, they all showed how Kurosawa touched Adachi emotionally: he was comfort and warmth (the scarf), he was helping hand and companion, he was healing presence, and he was understanding and protective of Adachi every single moment he was with him.

But he also made Adachi's heart race (each time he tried to touch his cheek), and that touch was excitement/nervousness. I also love how the first act of Adachi when he realised how much he needed Kurosawa's touch was to ignore and walk away from helping his colleague. He's not thinking about pleasing other people, He's thinking about Kurosawa, he's doing what he wants, and he's brave. Kurosawa did that.

That's how Kurosawa and Adachi touched each other without realising their physical touches, emotional metaphorical touches, and their mental touches in each other's life. Both of them meant so much to the other, fit each other, needed each other without understanding until they finally confessed at the end of this episode. That final hug and Adachi responding after feeling scared, that kinda touch is the most precious, most beautiful thing I've ever seen in a couple and I am obsessed with this couple's growth and relationship.

#cherry magic #cherry magic! thirty years of virginity can make you a wizard?!#cherry magic!#cherrymagic #adachi x kurosawa #reviews #analysis #japanese bl #bl series #bl drama

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lord-of-christmas-lights · 3 years

Text

I could post regular Narnia headcanons...

Or I could post the continuation of this post and go into depth about how Eustace and Caspian are affected by deity Narnia. Welcome back to Inhuman Narnia 101 and it turned out just as long as the first one so buckle up.

Check out this post by @dorianviolet for another awesome version of Inhuman AU Caspian

Warnings for slight body horror mentions including blood magic stuff, slight religious themes and theological discussion towards the end.

Before anything: This AU directly contradicts canon a lot. I don't care, that's why it's called an AU. Some of it is deliberate, some of it is accidental. I haven't read the books in a number of years, so this is all based on the movies and general information I've picked up from fanfic and tumblr. Discussion on this post is welcomed, criticism and arguments are not. Thank you.

First off, here is the link to an exploration of Dragoning, the Eustace-centric fic I wrote about this. I refer to it repeatedly in this post so if you want the full thing, there it is.

Second, let's get into this. So in my last post, I talked a lot about Narnia, her general existence in this AU, and her motivations as a character. She wants the people in her world to be a part of her, and no one else. Some of this is a conscious choice, and some of it isn't. Eustace's changes throughout his time in VOTDT are definitely not purposeful. It was his greed that drove him to the treasure, it was his own "curse" in becoming a dragon. That was not Narnia reaching out to him and purposefully trying to mold him to her world. As such, he takes on more of an observing role.

Eustace doesn't ever actually directly address his cousins on the subject of their inhumanity, in this fic or in any other I write. He simply sees it, notes it happening, and moves on. Even in the sections in my fics where the subject of inhumanity in general is brought up between Eustace and one of his cousins, it's always about Caspian, the greater Narnian world, or himself.

"Eustace asks why, and Lucy answers. Narnia changes people, she says. It happens to everyone, but the closer you are to her Heart, the greater it is. I don't know where Dragons are. Perhaps closer than we realized. It's exhilarating, isn't it? Aslan will return us to normal though, at the end of our journey." - AEOD

I don't know why, but I don't like the idea of Eustace trying to directly address the Pevensie brand of inhumanity. That line above takes place after his UnDragoning, after the way he sees things has changed, and I see it as him asking what exactly has changed, you know, why are Dragons different than boys?

That brings me to how Eustace himself changes. Now, if he hadn't gone and turned into a Dragon, I imagine Narnia wouldn't have taken much note of him. He's a random human, stuck-up, not at all in line for ruling her lands, and just kind of exists without much else going on. She still would have affected him a little, as she does to all humans in her world but it would have been almost entirely spiritual with no physical changes. And then we got the greatest fuck around and find out scene ever. He becomes a Dragon.

I love dragons, always have, I have a very deep spiritual connection to these creatures, and as such, I have gone all out on worldbuilding for Narnian Dragons. Again, the quote from AEOD, "...the closer you are to her Heart, the greater it is. I don't know where Dragons are. Perhaps closer than we realized." In the Inhuman AU, Dragons were the first creatures Narnia (the deity) and Aslan made when they created Narnia (the world). They just really liked the dragon shape from other worlds and thought, "Hey wouldn't it be cool if our world was populated by these big fire-breathing lizards?" Now I don't actually remember how often Dragons are mentioned and/or featured in the books so I'm going with my idea that Dragons are a somewhat rare but not extinct species. They have to be created through magical means, often through physical transformation of people or objects, though there are a few known cases of natural-born Narnian Dragons. Eustace's creation was the curse on the treasure, though I don't see his Dragoning as a curse itself. As in, the curse isn't in the being a Dragon, it's in how the Dragon was created. So, Eustace experiences this accidental change into a creature that's closer to Narnia's Heart than pretty much any other being in Narnia. They were her first creations, forged from the fire in the Stars, and they are the closest to her magic. And that gets her attention.

Now, if you went and read AEOD, you'll have noticed that one of Eustace's biggest changes (aside from the obvious physical ones) is his vision. This is just a natural thing for Dragons, they are far more in tune with magic and the earth and everything than everyone else, but Narnia's special interest in him definitely amplifies the hell out of his magic sense.

"The people here say dragons see the oddest of things, and he has to assume it's a hallucination....He refuses to give into its whims, reminds himself it's just his imagination. Until Reepicheep comments on it." - AEOD. Following this quote, Reepicheep mentions to Lucy that her inhumanity is returning faster than Edmund's and Eustace has a total panic attack at the idea that what he's seeing is real. He sees what everyone else does, Lucy's stained fingers and Edmund's ability to manipulate words, but he also notices stuff no one else does like the stars in Edmund's throat and the echoes that follow Lucy's words. This is further cemented after his UnDragoning, where the extra stuff he perceived has vanished. Now the general idea in this AU is that the closer to Narnia's Heart you are, the more you know and perceive. Everyone can see some of the more obvious inhuman aspects of the Pevensies, but there are things that only Dragons, druids, Stars, and some other magic folk really close to Narnia's Heart see. I'm not going to get into an exact chart of what certain characters can and cannot see because that can change over time and such and I'd rather leave it mostly up to personal interpretation on what other characters do and do not perceive about the Pevensies and other such inhuman characters.

(Side note—I had to pause in the writing of this post here to go to my second meeting for an autism assessment and I think if I just showed the doctor my notes app and the inhuman/dark fantasy narnia tag on my blog, I'd get the diagnosis instantly lol) So anyways, Narnia senses Eustace becoming a Dragon and is like "Ooohoo what's this?" and starts sort of digging into him in the same way she does to her Kings and Queens. This triggers his already enhanced perception of Narnia (the world) to get even stronger, and this is when he starts seeing stuff like people's souls, Caspian's second heart (more on that soon), and looking at Lucy/Edmund/Lilliandil becomes almost painful because Narnia's magic is so bright in them. Aslan then UnDragons him, which Narnia really doesn't like btw, and Eustace is back to being a fairly average human.

This is where stuff established in AEOD ends.

Now I have so many ideas and half finished fanfics written out in my notes app about Eustace, UnDragoning, and inhumanity and it would be impossible to cover them all here, so I'm just going to go with the highlights. One of my favorite ones is the idea that after Eustace's UnDragoning, he still feels very connected to being a dragon. He's had this taste of pure inhumanity, and something like that doesn't just leave a person. There's a fic I read once long before I was fully invested in this fandom about Eustace and draconity that I will never stop thinking about and was actually the reason I started considering Eustace and Narnian Dragons in this AU. One of the really important things to note is that once a Dragon is created, they can never be uncreated. They can be UnDragoned, where their physical form is returned to whatever it was before their Dragoning (a rock, a talisman, a faun, etc) but their soul has changed on a fundamental level to that of a Dragon. Now for Eustace in my Inhuman AU, this manifests spiritually as a deep longing to return to being a Dragon. Physically, he experiences fun side effects like increased heat tolerance, nails that grow faster than normal, and because Narnia likes to meddle, a single ridge of scales along his spine. In some versions of my drafts, he stays at the end of VOTDT and experiences a slow Dragoning because Narnia's influence on him is that strong, other versions he stays but never quite returns to the Dragon he was before, and in yet other versions, he returns to England and loses that connection enough that physically, he will never be a Dragon again. As I said, Narnia is fascinated by him, she's never really had a human Dragon before, but he is still just a random guy who happens to be related to the Pevensies and as such, she doesn't invest as much time or magic into his inhumanity.

So that's Eustace. This is already such a long post but I promised to talk about both him and Caspian so here we go.

Now, in my last post I talked a bit about how Narnia (the deity) affects the other humans in Narnia (the world) to an extent, but it's nowhere near the amount she does to her Kings and Queens, and also this diminishes more and more the farther you get from Narnia (the country). Telmar is fairly close to Narnia (the country) but as we see in PC, a lot of Narnia's magic and spirit has been diminished by the time Caspian is born. Up until the awakening of the land during the battle, Caspian is essentially 100% human. However, this changes very quickly.

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment Caspian becomes a King of Narnia. Is it when he refuses to kill Miraz? Is it when Aslan tells him he's one? Is it during his actual coronation? Yes, yes, and yes. I try not to pin it down to an exact moment. By the end of PC though, he's definitely noticing some changes in himself. I have an unpublished part 2 to an exploration of Inhumanity (my only other actually posted fic on this stuff) that I swear I will clean up and get posted soon that goes into further detail on the changes he's noticing at the end of AEOI. Some of the big ones include a second golden heart, seeing some of the life magic in the world around him, and a golden glow on his palms. He also slowly develops the ability to heal, though it's not always consistent. Magic takes practice, lots and lots of practice. In pt 2, the glow on his palms has gotten so bright and also spread around his head like a halo, and Lucy shows him how to conceal it so he's not impossible to look at, but because of Magic™ there's still a dusting of golden powdery stuff across his skin. His blood turns golden because Ben Barnes + golden blood is such pretty imagery, and like the others, it gets sucked down and absorbed into Narnia's Heart when he bleeds in battle. Also when I say he's got a second heart I mean he's got a second fucking heart. Ribcage shift and all. (His appearance doesn't actually change, it's more like a pocket dimension thing going on inside him, but he sure as hell can feel it happening). Having Narnia as a patron goddess just means you have to put up with a second puberty sometimes lol.

Anyways, there's a line in AEOI that I feel explains this stuff really well. "He cannot truly protect the land without becoming a part of it himself." Narnia changes her Kings and Queens because she wants them to be a part of her. Aslan doesn't really see these changes as necessary (in canon, a world without deity Narnia, they don't happen), and if the storyline we pick is the one that's the constant cycle of humanity and inhumanity, it's sort of a push and pull between them. Aslan wants the Pevensies, and by proxy anyone else who rules Narnia or experiences these changes, to keep their humanity, to stay as they were Created by him. Narnia, however, wants them to be as much a part of her as she is of them. It's very clear in both the books and the movies that Narnia (the world) is where these characters belong. In the end, they all come home to her (yes, Susan too because fuck Mr. Clive Staples Lewis). Caspian being anything less than fully inhuman is something she cannot handle. She is constantly having to recreate the Pevensies, reestablish her hold on them, only to have them return to England and become mostly human again. Caspian cannot be taken away from her, he is in this world by birth and she is going to do everything she can to shape him into the ruler he needs to be.

Once again, I would like to state that Aslan and Narnia are not opposing sides of good and evil. Gods cannot be defined by human standards, and to think either Narnia or Aslan completely in the right or wrong in this AU would be, well, an interesting standpoint, but really not the one I'm going for here. I'm not going to say it's a misinterpretation, I am very open to hearing people's thoughts on this AU, and everyone's going to see things differently. Just, please reread what I've written about them before you start making that argument.

Anyways, that wraps this post up because I have spent the better part of the past 6 hours writing this. I spent way more time on Eustace than I intended but it's just so fascinating to think about inhumanity from his perspective considering he's the only one in canon that actually was (briefly) inhuman. Again, if you got this far, congratulations! If you use any of my ideas mentioned here, please tag me, I am so starved for inhuman Narnia content lol.

#inhuman/dark fantasy narnia #caspian x #prince caspian #the pevensies #eustace scrubb #the chronicles of narnia #narnia headcanons #rambles of a hyperfixating kai

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bookswritinghappiness · 3 years

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Title: Some Faraway Place • Author: Lauren Shippen Series: The Bright Sessions (#3) • Number of Pages: 352 • Rating: 5/5 Published: September 28, 2021 • Read: May 18, 2021 - June 9, 2021

Content Warnings: family illness, death, imprisonment, injury, violence, manipulation

Goodreads Synopsis: Rose Atkinson’s mother can see the future. Her father can move things he doesn't touch. Her brother Aaron can read minds. And Rose, well, she makes a mean spaghetti bolognese. Everyone else in her family is Atypical, which means they manifested an ability that defies the limits of the human experience. At nineteen, well past the average age of manifestation, Rose is stuck defending her decision not to go to college and instead working in the kitchen of a local restaurant, hoping to gain the experience she needs to become a chef. When a rollerblading accident sends her to the hospital, she meets a girl she can't forget and she starts to feel like maybe her life isn't quite so small. But when she starts falling asleep mid-conversation, she thinks, then again maybe I’m doomed to never have good things. Rose should be happy to learn that she’s Atypical after all—that diving into dreams makes her a part of her family in the way she always wanted. But the more time she spends in the dreamworld, the more complicated her ability becomes. Trying to balance her work, her power, and a girlfriend who doesn’t know about Atypicals, Rose seeks help. But she soon discovers that being Atypical comes with dangers she never could have imagined. Even her carefully constructed dreamworld isn’t safe. This is the story of Atypical Rose, who discovers that your dreams coming true isn’t always a good thing.

My Review: I received a digital ARC of this book from Tor Teen via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

I had the honor of getting a physical ARC of the first book in the series from Lauren herself back in 2019, and I’m a huge fan of the original The Bright Sessions podcast and its spinoffs, so I was super super excited to read Some Faraway Place early!! This one is extra special to me - there aren’t many queer Jewish characters in YA (let alone plus-sized queer Jewish characters), and they definitely don’t have many opportunities to be on the book cover, so when I heard Rose was getting her own book and then later saw the cover, I was just so happy. Needless to say, I was just as happy (if not more so) when I read it : )

Rose doesn’t get a lot of “screen” time in the original podcast, so getting a more in-depth look into her story and her ability was awesome!! It was especially cool getting to see her gradual discovery of her ability and how her relationship with her family changes as a result. Out of the three TBS novels, this one is definitely the most jam packed - not only does it include Rose, her dreamworlds, and her developing relationship with Emily, but it also includes characters from the previous two novels, some more significantly than others. But, because everything in this universe is connected in more ways than we will ever realize, it all works together well. There is a lot of grey morality in Some Faraway Place, and it definitely got darker at times than I was expecting, but all of those moments were perfectly balanced with the lighter aspects of the book - Rose’s relationship with Emily, her love for her cooking, her humor, her pleasant dreamscapes, etc.

Another aspect I loved was the variety of narration - most of the book is standard prose, but there are also social media posts and letters sprinkled throughout as well. They reveal important pieces of the characters and allow the reader to see some of the novel’s events from other perspectives… and they have so many easter eggs and fandom references, which was super fun for me since I know the podcast so well : ) But do not fear - people will still be able to enjoy and understand everything even without having listened to the podcast.

Lauren Shippen is one of the most incredible writers, and Some Faraway Place is a perfect sendoff and love letter to the TBS universe. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to read it early, and I’m so excited for everyone to get to read it in September : )

Some Faraway Place on Goodreads This Review on Goodreads My Goodreads Some Faraway Place on StoryGraph This Review on StoryGraph My StoryGraph

Purchase this book from Bookshop using my affiliate link to support indie bookstores while helping me earn a commission at no extra cost to you!!

#original #book reviews #some faraway place #lauren shippen #the bright sessions #5 stars

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ramblingguy54 · 3 years

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Honestly, I haven’t been chatting enough about Owl House Season 2, so I’m gonna make some bullet points here about what I’ve been loving from these first five episodes.

-Lilith & Hooty’s whole friendship dynamic. It’s very nice, ironic, funny, and super cute to see two polar opposites become the most unlikely of friends. Also, it adds a nice change of pace to a side character, like Hooty, who was the guy no one liked to hang around with much as a running gag in Season 1. Now Hooty has someone who enjoys his company and values much of what he has to say, too. Lilith knows what it’s like to not have people enjoy their company, as she made choices that winded up putting her in a place of solitude from actual healthy socializing. For a long time Lilith didn’t have anyone to genuinely consult, until this silly freaking Owl tube came along to give a sense of safety after abandoning her ideals that defined this Witch for a couple of decades.

-Getting me to actually care more about King’s role in this story line. King wasn’t someone who really clicked with me in Season 1′s run time. I liked his episodes centering on the sibling dynamic he had with Luz sure, but not any one of them made me go, “This character is actually very endearing and want to see more of their journey.” , where I took King more as an overall decent member of the cast at best. Echoes of the Past seriously surprised me in how well it executed his backstory showcasing the strong connection he has to Edalyn & Luz in general as a found family. The revelation of how Eda & King met, on top of her dubbing him with that name this little guy cherishes, paints a picture of how much Eda truly cares about the young demon. Edalyn wanted him to feel good about his place in their world, which only ended up being a mistake she’d have to correct afterwards in this episode. Echoes of the Past was such a lovely surprise in how well it succeeded in building upon the lore of this interesting world and giving King’s development more of a dramatic and tragic revelation of characterization. I’d arguably say what they did with King’s may be the best part for me in Season 2, thus far. It really was that much of a shock for me in what they accomplished.

-Amity & Luz, my God where do I even begin with these two cute love birds? If Grom Night was the story’s way of acknowledging Amity has got a crush on Luz, then this episode lit a spark underneath our main heroine’s interest in her romantically. When Amity charged in against her parent’s improved abomination saying like a badass, “Get away from my Luz!”, anyone could see how mesmerized Luz looked at her actions. Part of me thought they’d continue doing the unaware protagonist trope, where Luz wasn’t aware of Amity’s feelings or even gains a crush of her own, either. Really enjoying how Dana Terrace and her crew have been approaching this representation of LGBTQ through making the whole concept of Lumity romance feel super organic from both ends. It’s no longer a one sided deal with only Amity having feelings for someone, who helped make her once miserable life so much greater. Luz now views her in the same inspiring light Amity did in Grom Night’s story of seeing this person as more than a friend, but a significant individual she wants to share her life and world with back on Earth. This is how you do a romantic representation without beating viewers over the head of how much you’re pushing boundaries. Let the characters actions speak on how they feel about each other.

-Gwendolyn’s introduction the story was a very welcoming one, as it gave more of a complicated shake up to how interesting, yet tragic, Edalyn & Lilith’s lives are when it comes to their relationship with their respective parent. Lilith choosing to curse Eda already put many years of guilt upon herself, but to not get any attention afterward from her mother’s top priority becoming curing her sister’s curse instead? Talk about another way to look it as Lilith feeling more down in the dumps for putting that curse on Eda. Lilith likely felt as if she didn’t deserve to be loved after throwing her sibling under the bus to get into the Emperor’s Coven, which led to a long struggle of trying to makes amends. Bringing their mother into Season 2 was a terrific way to shed more light onto how this crazy family operates and show just how much the curse affected them all emotionally on different levels. Eda had to distance herself from others, Lilith searched to find answers on her own, and Gwendolyn poured so much of her life into wanting to help her youngest child, at the expense of forgetting about Lilith’s needs. A great representation of a flawed, yet still loving, family tree.

-Showing Gus’ magical illusion abilities in a seriously cool, albeit disturbing manner, of how even if he may be limited to using just one type of magic doesn’t mean it’s not powerful. How they went about evolving the strength of illusions being used to even physically fool people into feeling the touch of it, while showing a greater strain on its user casting said spell, adds a new level of awesome to Gus’ abilities. It shows he can become a great asset to his friends in the future of growing events and not just get sidelined unfairly, due to a growing power scale of some kind. That was another one of my favorite parts of the episode, beside that whole deal many are talking about surrounding Lumity’s very great growth in Through The Looking Glass Ruins. Give it up for the future MVP Gus over here, as I can see this stuff coming into play against the Emperor’s Coven conflict possibly in Season 2′s finale when shit gets very real.

#the owl house season 2 #i haven't been doing enough gushing about its second season #imma make up for that #toh spoilers #through the looking glass ruins #lumity #amity blight #luz noceda #toh season 2 spoilers #lilith clawthorne #edalyn clawthorne #gwendolyn clawthorne #the owl house #seriously to anyone who hasn't checked it out yet watch this series now #it's getting really damn good up in here y'all

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kareofbears · 3 years

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finished my task early and realized that as a byproduct of our capitalist society, im unfortunately happier when i do tasks. here are my rankings of persona 5 awakenings spanning from vanilla to strikers. and i watched all of them again just so i wasn’t biased. i will also be attaching the splash pages they have of the group during awakening scenes because theyre fucking awesome

excluded:

morgana - no awakening, very sad

akechi - just a reveal, but an awesome reveal

10. okumura haru

it feels like a lie to even say she got an awakening, because they didnt even let her rip off her mask. they gave her a half awakening like it was on clearance. sad stuff, couldve been amazing, instead felt underwhelming since there was no lethargic high point where you feel her anger. i liked the gun reveal though

9. sakura futaba

same deal as haru, no mask ripping part :( that part of awakenings are very important to me, since its like, the whole deal with awakening your persona. its supposed to hurt, cause it hurts to throw away your facade and be who you really are!! also it just felt long and drawn out, making the tension feel...untensed. pliable, if you will. ranks higher than haru cause it still made me cry--futaba truly has one of the toughest and heart-wrenching motivations to persona awakenings, truly.

8. niijima Makoto

no splash page for her which makes me sad. love how gritty her mask + scream were afterwards, you can really feel the impact of it. also, editing was great during this scene. ranks low (high?) on the list though because it was pretty unremarkable overall--thats because makoto’s awakening/arc is pretty detached from who she is. its not very personal, since the conflict isn’t specifically about her you know?

7. Kitagawa Yusuke

a fan favorite and im sorry i couldnt rank it in a better spot. loved the camera work, loved the dialogue and his speech afterwards. it really is poetry infused with pissed-off and ready for revenge. if only the mask removal scene was grittier!! i like seeing them in pain!! it shouldnt be easy to take off the mask!!

6. takamaki ann

beautiful spectacular awakening that always makes me cry, but docked many points off because of how sexual it is. why are they focusing on her torso when shes crying. enough with the jiggle physics. stop that!!

her rage and swearing is so on point, and i am in love with how she mows down her shadow self in one go. so cool. love ann.

5. Hasegawa Zenkichi

another fan favorite and its also one of mine as well. yall im just so emotional that an adult actually got a persona awakening. like, an adult who wants change just as desperately as the young people do? that means so much to me. dialogue is great, shadows are great. his mask ripping scene was so fucking intense that he snapped his mask in half like thats so rad

4. yoshizawa sumire

yeah yeah whatever i love her awakening ok. its big cheating that she got two on camera awakenings, but the first one sucked so its fine. the second one is just so great and i love how quiet the music is . where some awakenings feel very disjointed and impersonal, hers was arguably the most personal out of all of them. like she saw her sister?? and that was what made her awaken for real this time?? fantastic. also her mask removal scene was so intense and i loved that nothing happened at first because it makes you think that something is still wrong. hated the first awakening though--why the magical girl sequence?? what the fuck

3. Sophia

hehe her awakening is so fucking good. from the line read to the dialogue. this was the only awakening (besides jokers but ill get to that) that truly caught me off guard. i didnt expect that, even though it was the only logical conclusion to her character arc. brillaint. and i cant stress this enough--the line reads. the line reads. are so good. thank you VA from puyo puyo tetris lmfao

2. Kurusu Akira

no splash page for him either but i will forgive it since hes the first. this one fucked me over because one: the animation was amazing, two, he awakened for ryuji, and three, his mask removal scene is the best of them all. you can feel every centimeter of his mask forcibly peeling away from his skin and i love it. also, this one scared the fuck out of me because when i bought p5, i didnt know what a fucking persona was. i thought this was like, a high school adventure. so yeah, this had a big impact on me

1. sakamoto Ryuji

look man. this boy is just so angry. so fucking angry, and so intense about his feelings, and so desperate to help, and all of that accumulates to being the best awakening. where akira has the best mask ripping scene, he has the best scream after he rips his mask--you could feel that shit in your throat, in your lungs, the vibrations in your head. not to mention, he was the only one who was allowed to look fucking insane--rolling on the carpet and shit, sweating his heart out. i love how gritty it is.

Those are my opnions thanks for coming to my ted talk

#long post #mine #p5 #my moon and stars #p5s

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sokayisaidiot · 3 years

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Dream SMP assumption #2

Today’s topic: What does Character Tommy have?

Please DO NOT read if you’re uncomfortable with the themes of death, depression and suicide. It’s a very complicated theme. I did NOT study it and do NOT know some aspects of it. I just go off the things I saw in the smp and made my own theories about it. If you’re even slightly triggered by this, please stop and do NOT try to read it. Please do NOT put yourself in some kind of uncomfortable zone. Please do not. Thank you

(This is all assumptioning from the fictional world of dream smp)

(Heavy spoilers on the resent events)

(Mainly around the lmanburg way, sadly need to learn more about badlands ): )

(This Series is created by another person, that’s just too fuckin lazy to move her butt)

Trigger warning today:

Suicide thoughts

PTSD

Depression

Child Neglect

Betrayal and Trust Issues

Death

Character Tommy’s Mental state in the last time? Terrible. But why does he goes so fast to the way of suicide? Well, maybe all the repressed Feelings, he had since a long time. For that I researched the signs for some of the points Depression

The main symptoms are:

depressed mood, sadness, depression = the start of the streams being completely sad, his quick Mood changes

Disinterest and joylessness = The disinterest coming with getting hurt and not really doing anything against it, with each visit he's getting, his joy gets smaller

Loss of drive and easy fatigue = Relying more on Plans he made

Side symptoms can include the following symptoms:

Loss of appetite = saying he has no appetite, when he clearly does

sleep disorders = Having Nightmares, sleep walking or completely not being able to sleep

Difficulty concentrating making decisions = Almost burning his compass, destroying part of the nether Bridge, less concentrating while mining

low self esteem = thinking to himself how he deserves the pain sometimes

You see my points of his Depression, he makes up ALL of those Points. His Depression came as easily at the start of his second exile.

PTSD

There are 4 Categories to diagnose PTSD

Exposed to actual or threatened Death, serious Injury

Psychological Stress (Flashback/Dreams)

Changes in Psychological Stability

Changes in Physical Ability

1. Exposure to actual or threatened Death.

There are three ways of getting the first one.

Directly experience a traumatic event

Witnessing in person a traumatic event

Learning of an traumatic event from a close friend/family member

The first one itself is the fighting and betrayal. The fighting for Lmanburg and the Duel with Dream on the Prime Path that took presumably his first two lives. The Betrayal of his close friends and ending in killing him. Mostly Eret in the start, with Dream switching sides again in the middle of the fight fo Lmanburg and Wilbur and Technoblade going against him. Wanting him to die.

Not only did Tommy witness one Death, the Death of his older Brother, Mentor Wilbur. No he also witnessed the Death of his big Role Model Jschlatt. Of course he wasn't big in the end. But he WAS a Big Figure in Tommy's Life. He saw both of them accuse and killing them completely. But the time he witnessed People getting killed and losing one of their hearts. He saw the death of his best friend Tubbo (his own execution). Also did Tommy witness Wilbur going insane and haunting him. Telling him he will never achieve him and betraying him in the end. And the teenager was there, when the nation blew up, he had to run to safety, for not being blown up.

Then he learns of his pets death, his close pets he loves. The third Criteria kinda.

2. Psychological Stress (Flashback/Dreams).

At least on of the 4 Categories have to be hit.

Unwanted Memories

Having Dreams Related to the Trauma

Psychological Distress when exposed to cues that remind you of the evebt

Psychological Reactions to those same cues

He stated as he talked to Ghostbur, that he can clearly remember when Tubbo got president and blew up the nation they FOUGHT for. Also was it shown, how he can remember every Bad thing clearly. And when Wilbur told Tommy how he never could be President, Tommy took it really bad. Wilbur meant how they would never listen to Tommy and just hold him for a joke. So he ultimately gave up his President role. Not only for his discs presumably.

Its canon that Tommy has nightmares of Wilbur going insane. He was alone with Wilbur. Exiled. Wilbur wanted to drag Tommy with him in insanity and Tommy did everything to not let that happen (and you guys have to think. Wilbur is canonically Tommys older Brother so he did already had an impact on Tommys life). He can't sleep or just sleep walks himself into the ocean. Every time going deeper and deeper. In the direction of L’manburg, also his ultimate Death.

To the last two points: Tommy, when he gave Lani, (Tubbos sister), a walk through Dream Smp, he said that the Pit in Pogtopia made him feel very uncomfortable, since the memories of getting beaten up by Technoblade, just after he killed Tubbo, were not old. Also, they forbid Rockets and TNT, since they were big part of killing or just destroying things he loved.

3. Changes in Psychological Stability.

There are 7 Points you have to fulfill, 2 of them are required and Tommy HAS 6 POINTS OF THEM

Briefly explained:

He blames mostly himself and others how things go wrong in the last time. Mostly Technoblade for placing the withers, triggering some big amounts of TNT. His friends for not visiting. Himself for not being perfect.

Thinking to himself how he couldn't be happy only with massive influence of others or talking to himself how he would do something that might make him happy.

He feels himself detached from everybody. Thinking how everybody could easily life on without him. So he detaches himself from talking TO PEOPLE. Stopping showing up anymore. Only after a while, he trusted himself, but with the time he does it slower.

His favorite hobbies not really being done anymore. As for saying he doesn't start to care for Primes anymore.

Telling himself how everybody is doing things out of pity for him. His lack in trust others in fear of being betrayed. That everybody is out against him.

His fear of being completely abandoned by the People he has left. His Anger for not coming to visit and just giving his gift or leaving him alone. Shame on being exiled by his best friend and the second time.

4. Changes in Physical Ability

The three points are (which upwards are already explained):

Problems with concentration = him not really able to think straight while mining

Problems with Sleep = Nightmares, sleep walking, not being really able to rest completely

Easy to Startle = startled with People surprisingly coming to his island without saying things. He gets more surprised and jumpy

(This is all seen by “The Film Theorists”, “Film Theory: The Spiderman 2 Mystery! Why Spiderman Lost his Powers!”)

He has many, way too many criteria for being so young. And he won't get any help. A way of getting better is having time to yourself. But Tommy is alone in Exile? Why is it just getting worse? Well, Tommy has time to himself. But he constantly gets watched over. He gets only worse through the manipulation of Dream.

Betrayal and Trust Issues

People are getting angry at Tommy for not trusting others. But what would have you done in his position. I mean nobody could have known about the Betrayal of Eret. So when that happened we were all in shock. When Dream switched sides to fight for Marburg, we were all shocked. When Wilbur was the Traitor and blew up L’manburg, we were also shocked. When Techno kind of told Tommy he should die and Placed Withers, we were shocked. When Tubbo exiled Tommy, nobody had expected that and everybody was shocked.

Now look at it from Tommys eyes.

Eret = A good friend, nice companion, trusted part of the rebellion. Betrayed them for seeing a better deal, leaving them to rot, while he had his castle.

Dream = Kind of older Brother, funny to be around and spends also time with him. Gives your already insane Brother Dynamite to explode the country you fought Tooth and Nail for and tosses you around like a doll.

Wilbur = Older Brother, Mentor, President, cool, awesome to be around, talented, someone who also spends time with you. kind of protects you from trouble. Goes insane, wants to drag you with him, explodes the country, betrays you for not having a thing he wants. Makes you doubt yourself

Technoblade = Also really talented. Big Brother. Teaches things like fighting. One of the best PVPers. Leaves you to rot and fight with the last bit, makes fun of you and not helping you, even if you are scared of small spaces.

Tubbo = The Person you did everything with, trusted with everything. You are like Brothers and no matter how many people against you, you are with each other. You make one thing for yourself and apparently you are selfish. You are alone now and he didn't come ones to visit once.

Everybody else = They find you annoying and only come to visit to make fun, look at him like he's a Zoo animal. but when something happens, then he is a hero apparently. And those pity gifts. Gifts saying he is on the lowest of the low, in need of “help”.

Help is right for you, but more like spending time with you when you're alone, and not being able to visit others. They act like they can visit him any time, because, hey look! He can't go anywhere anyways, so...

A Way of getting better is

Repairing the broken or damaged relationships = Talking and doing something with Tubbo, his best friend. Talking and making up with his brothers Techno and Wilbur. Spending time with his father. Just relaxing and letting him talk about his trauma.

Doing something he really wanted to do for some time = Finally getting his discs back, which were stolen and in constant danger, since its one of his most prized things

Letting him be his age = He is pretty young, but went to be a right hand man, made sacrifices, losing his lives for the country, his friends and other things. Letting him act his age, doing stupid things and not giving him consequences that would be given only people who are the worst kind. Letting him build his stuff with good arguments and letting him hang out. Not being Vice President maybe.

Putting himself over everything for once = Thats really a good discussable theme, but for my points, which I made with letting him be his age, it kind of stated it already. He wanted his discs after everything. The wars were won, L’manburg had its Freedom and its People safe. So he should have been allowed to do one thing for himself again. Burning Georges House is no excuse, but dude, thats easily reparable. The Trauma, Depression and PTSD that was given to this child not.

It also can fit in with Tubbo- Just sayin (Just some points have to be changed)

GIVE THOSE KIDS A BREAK

I got some of those things from other Posts!

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