#and apologies
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hi this isn't a question i just desperately need to tell you how much zero sum game ruined me and put me back together again. lurking mental illness and suicidality under shit circumstances, physical disability, mental and physical scars, constantly fighting off the ptsd and having to learn how to cope in ways that don't hurt other people so you can hang onto the person that makes it all worth it. it's everything i've gone through, right down to soul destroying and healing intimacy, at first to feel pain and then to attempt feeling truly good for the first time. zero sum is undoubtedly going to be one of those artworks i can never shake off my psyche in the best way, like an abstract background hug for my heart. thank you so much for taking so many scary themes to tackle and packaging them so beautifully, i really needed that lately.
sincerely, a previous battle of the bands fan who is now absorbing your entire oeuvre into their personality.
first i want to thank you profusely for sending me this. thank you for sharing your own experience, and your own pain. i know thats not easy and i'm some random person but honestly reading this makes me feel not so alone in the world. of course, thank you for reading, but also for relaying that you felt seen by it. i always feel so silly because its a my hero academia fanfiction but, with all sincerity, words like yours are what make writing it worth it.
zero-sum is sincerely my favorite thing i've ever written and probably always will be. not because i think the plot is awesome or the physics stuff was cool (EVEN THOUGH I STILL THINK THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE) but because its the first time i was able to write about my own personal experiences with mental illness (heavily projected onto Katsuki and Izuku, lmao) in over ten years.
Okay fair warning i am going to overshare under the cut so please feel free to stop reading also I love you and cherish you and appreciate you thank you so so so much for sending this
i'm sharing this because, at some point, i needed to read this. maybe someone will stumble on to it and realize something. maybe not. maybe its just another way for me to continue to process what happened. i think i'll always be processing it. mental illness is a bitch
when things got really bad for me (the first time around) i stopped writing completely. at that time, i truly, from the bottom of my heart, believed that my disorder was the only thing that made my writing interesting. that if i was to recover, that means i could no longer do the only thing i was good for. unironically, writing was actually a major barrier to my recovery for some time.
writing, the thing i loved most in the world, started heavily triggering me.
so i stopped.
the problem was, i heavily romanticized what i was going through in my writing. i made the suffering 'beautiful.' by thinking it was beautiful, i was trapping myself in a loop of self-destruction.
they say, 'write what you know.' but all i knew was misery. so misery was what i wrote.
romanticizing your pain is something i think we all do. sometimes you have to. its a survival mechanism. if the pain is 'beautiful,' then its 'tolerable' to go through.
what no one really tells you about mental illness is that its really, really fucking lonely.
what no one tells you about recovery is, its even lonelier. its the most isolating thing in the world. everything you relied on, everything you thought to be true, the way you interact with the world completely changes.
things are always going to be different. you can't go back to who you were before.
what i did do, when i went into recovery, was read the very few published books about people with (disorder) who recovered. over and over and over again. i needed something to latch on to. anything. i needed to believe it was possible. i needed to believe people like me survived. that they could find happiness. that they could find love. that there is space in this world for people as broken as me.
i dont know. zero-sum, to me, was a love letter to that 19 year old kid that hit her (first) rock bottom. i pretended she didn't exist because it hurt too much to think about her. but what she needed to know, then, that recovering, no matter how difficult, was worth it. that life can and WILL get better. that she will one day wake up every morning and think 'fuck. i'm so glad i'm alive.' that even people like her can find happiness.
that one day, many years later, embarrassed, she'll show her scars to a person she just started dating. that he'll sheepishly show her his. that they'll exchange police reports like love letters. she'll learn that there are people out there that understand her. have felt her same pain. have lived through the same hell. she'll learn that survival is sometimes based on hope, and sometimes based on spite.
but is, despite it all, always worth it.
she'll learn that her suffering does not preclude her from love and connection and happiness.
that one day, she won't feel so alone.
and that one day, she'll be able to sit down at her computer and write about it. maybe it will be in the form of my hero academia fanfiction lmao but that doesn't make it any less real.
maybe it will reach someone. maybe it won't.
but one day, she'll be able to do the thing she loved more than anything in the world again, because nothing is ever truly lost.
there is a future worth fighting for.
#oh wow i got like super emotional writing this lmao#i am so sorry anon i know this is not what you intended behind this message lol#thank you so much for reading and for your kind words#and apologies#for kind of...... letting it get away from me lmao#recovery is not linear. i still struggle with my mental health#its been like 10 years and thinking about it still feels fresh#but. like. yeah. recovery is possible. happiness is possible.#it might seem like you will never get better#god. i KNOW.#but it does. and it will.#and you are not alone
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Apologies!
Sorry for lack of posts recently! But have been getting a lot of hell at work recently, and beyond that, have been working on rewards, comms, and holiday and meme posts!
Hope to have some stuff to post soon...like tonight and tomorrow! Would have had some done earlier, but got called in for overtime today.
As always, asks are open. Holiday stuff is starting up (will do reposts of some of them so you have them fresh!) and still taking asks on the new "Energy Drink" meme! Have fun!
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Introducing Florus!
Born in Garlemald as the daughter of a government employee, the childhood that Florus remembers is by and large a happy one.
While doing a few years of military service (working primarily in logistics and the mess), Florus took the chance to experiment with presentation - it's not like the Garlean army is segmented, after all.
Inspired by several people in his life, Florus found pride based on a more masculine presentation, and so he chose his new name based on things he liked - Florus - and the reaction of his family - Amaga.
Finishing his service without issue, but as soon as he was no longer conscripted, he used some money from his family to start a private brewery.
A bit of an alcohol aficionado, he likes to brew various drinks and likes to buy and sell the things he doesn't brew.
(Endwalker spoilers follow)
Following the destruction of Garlemald, Florus survived by dint of hiding in his wine cellar, the bar above him destroyed, with a radio, until he was rescued by the Eorzean Alliance. Immediately setting out for Eorzea - reasoning that there was no place for a brewer and bartender in the rebuilding efforts of his home - he found his way to Ul'dah, where a displaced Dalmascan was setting up a bar to remind them of home. Agreeing to be hired as the bartender of the Desert Dregs, he now saves money from his job, to have a nest egg that he can use to one day either start his own bar or return to Garlemald, when the time is right.
#ffxiv#ffxiv screenshots#character introductions#florus amaga#this sat in my draft for weeks because I could not model it right#so I'm giving up#thanks to all my friends I nagged to try to work out what to write#and apologies
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You cant make this shit up
#honestly the BALLS to steal the title for your apology video (for plagiarism) from the GUY WHO EXPOSED YOU (for plagiarism)#i do really dislike somerton but i have to respect the grind. fucking incredible.#hbomberguy#james somerton
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i went to get my t-shot yesterday and it took me an hour and a half to get to the clinic and as soon as i got on the bed the nurse dropped my t-shot and it broke and now they're trying to make me pay for the replacement. i think the fuck not lmao
#why should i have to pay money because SOMEONE ELSE dropped my medication!!! make it make sense#also they kept referring to 'the medicine that got broken' please drop that youtuber apology line and lose the passive voice#it did not 'get broken' YOU BROKE IT#madness. utter madness.
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#i apologize#if I stole someone’s idea#but always fun to do it again 😎#petrareads#petraposts#books#booklr#ya novels#polls#bookish#hunger games#throne of glass#shadow hunters#carry on#the mortal instruments#the infernal devices
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I said mid not bad
#chitchat#this post was an apology to my mutuals for talking about ttyd too much one night and getting embarassed about it. for the curious inquirers
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"A story doesn't need a theme in order to be good" I'm only saying this once but a theme isn't some secret coded message an author weaves into a piece so that your English teacher can talk about Death or Family. A theme is a summary of an idea in the work. If the story is "Susan went grocery shopping and saw a weird bird" then it might have themes like 'birds don't belong in grocery stores' or 'nature is interesting and worth paying attention to' or 'small things can be worth hearing about.' Those could be the themes of the work. It doesn't matter if the author intended them or not, because reading is collaborative and the text gets its meaning from the reader (this is what "death of the author" means).
Every work has themes in it, and not just the ones your teachers made you read in high school. Stories that are bad or clearly not intended to have deep messages still have themes. It is inherent in being a story. All stories have themes, even if those themes are shallow, because stories are sentences connected together for the purpose of expressing ideas, and ideas are all that themes are.
#original post#text post#500#1k#2k#btw i know my definition of death of the author is loosey goosey here#it wasn't the main point so i went informal with it! as ppl in the tags have pointed out it isn't exact#and i do recommend reading the wikipedia article or similar (possibly even the essay itself if you're narsty) if you want to learn more!#wasn't expecting this to take off so my apologies to my barthes-heads out there#love you mwah#5k#10k#15k#20k
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having a child has taught me that every toddler is completely justified in their frustrations and tantrums because learning how to do something you have literally never encountered or heard of before is insane. and being expected to be completely calm in the face of this constant barrage of overwhelming information is doubly insane.
i got charlie a sticker activity book and it occurred to me i have to TEACH someone how to unpeel stickers. it's SKILL that requires DEXTERITY and FINE MOTOR ABILITY. i thought it was obvious that you have to curl the page a little bit to create a break in the cut so the sticker comes up.
obviously a fucking BABY wouldn't know that because they have no background experience to inform their thought process. OBVIOUSLY. and OBVIOUSLY the LITERAL BABY wouldn't get it right the first few times. it would OBVIOUSLY take practice. lots of it.
i hate this feeling. it's so obvious. why are children treated so badly when they're learning everything for the first fucking time. why do people treat children so horribly and expect so much. they're brand new. why didn't i get the same grace i give to my child? why did no one have patience for me? why, when it's this easy?
it's so easy. it's so fucking easy.
#ok2rb#op#babbyposting#apologizing to my child is second nature#i'm brand new at it too#obviously im gonna fuck up here and there#its only right to apologize#why did no one ever apologize to me#not until it was too late
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Little turtle duck :)
#avatar the last airbender#atla#avatar#zuko#zuko fanart#ursa#art#artists on tumblr#this is an apology for the last time i drew zuko#during his agni kai ;-;#avatar fanart
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“Who the fuck does Ang Lee think he is, man?”
KNOCKED UP (“Brokeback Mountain” Deleted Scene) | 2007 | dir. Judd Apatow
#(i'd like to apologize to everyone in advance for (giffing and posting) this)#knocked up 2007#moviegifs#fyeahmovies#doyouevenfilm#filmgifs#userfilm#userbbelcher#chewieblog#dailyflicks#userrobin#userconstance#userstream#usermarina#usersavana#cinemapix#filmtv#jonah hill#katherine heigl#myedit#don't misunderstand me! i love brokeback mountain just the way it is! ang lee is my friend#yeah there's also something to say about the movie being made in the early 2000s#and the double standard when portraying gay relationships onscreen as compared to portraying straight relationships#(if you're interested in that topic you should watch the documentary 'this film is not yet rated')#but i mostly giffed this bc i thought it was a funny deleted scene! and it goes on for longer than just this but i wasn't doing alladat!#(hence the link to watch the scene in full. mirror screened tho? idk but dailymotion's version is the right way round if that matters)#don't ask me how i found this clip in a better quality. it was hard. i was bored. i did it for the bit.
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One from the archives.
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Flanked by plainclothes bodyguards and several more that were decidedly not, he ought to have been a bit more… reluctant to approach the pretty woman sat “by herself” in the small, lounge booth. However, he liked the idea of the challenge — of getting close and figuring out just who she is.
Was she shy? Was she reserved? Would she give him a look upon sitting down? Would she humor him?
...or would he be stopped by her close observers?
Regardless of what might be the outcome of his approach, Evan pushes forward anyway. His stride is a little hesitant and he moves as though he means to walk right past the little bubble she's enshrined in… but he stops short of doing that. Instead, he casually stalls and looks her way — flashing a friendly smile.
“I can't imagine you're having too much fun sitting here all on your own, yeah?”
Sitting in the small booth, with the cup of tea that was not hot anymore, drawing some meaningless zigzags on the napkin, Nunnally was deep in her thoughts. She neither noticed Evan observing her nor approaching her table. It was only his voice that brought her into what she considered her dull reality.
“Fun?” – her blue eyes rose to look at the man – “No, not at all. I am rather bored. And tired. Would you be able to enjoy yourself in my situation?” – she did not add any explanations of what her situation might have been, but the careful observer would notice her eyes placed for brief moments at the men around her. Nunnally sighed and sent Evan the sad smile. She hated being in this cage. But she was told that was necessary.
“Do you want to join me?” – she pointed at the empty place next to her – “That is if you don’t mind being stared at…And having your weapon confiscated.” – the latter was definitely meant as a joke and was complemented with a bitter laugh – “These guys here expect me to be in some kind of danger.” – she continued with a with a sigh.
The men surrounding the girl said nothing, their faces emotionless, not even a slight irritation visible on them. Where they simply used to her rude behaviour?
“I am Nunnally. May I offer you something to drink?” – she asked taking a sip of her cold drink; it was bitter – “My tea already does not taste anything it should, so I will be getting something for me anyway.”
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Just saw a video like "um actually rocky horror isn't good queer representation because frank sexually assaults janet" girl he kills and eats people. It's called the rocky HORROR picture show not the rocky cute gay rep tw t-slur picture show
#your first mistake was watching a camp 70s horror movie for the RePrEsEnTaTiOn#sorry that the crossdressing cannibal isnt a genderq****r soft uwu bisexual he/they#modern retelling where instead of killing him riffraff and magenta explain why SA is bad and wrong and frank posts a notes app apology#im not watching rocky horror for the rep im watching it to see transsexual fags kill people
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okay tumblr’s exclusion from the twitter social media ban list is hilarious but genuinely we do not belong on there. if a real human person asks “where can i find you on social media” and your choice is a swift death or revealing your tumblr, most of us would simply expire. half of y’all change urls every week like you’re in witness protection. just imagine for one second attaching your wholeass government name to your latest two am clownposting and tell me that didn’t send a cold chill down your spine. the only place i ever want to see the words “connect with me on tumblr!” is on the ao3 profile of an author i’m actively stalking. anyone in the world can follow me except anyone i personally know. antisocial media.
#with apologies to beloved mutuals ekjohnston and adibkhorram but this post had to be made#you are braver than any marine etc#i revealed my url recently to some very nerdy lifelong blood-oath level friends and lost feeling in my hands for like six hours#we read each other's livejournals during our peak Dramatic Feelings And Bad Choices years and it still gave me pause#rip twitter#that tumblr lyfe#containment breach
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Days seem sometimes as if they’ll never end
#processing this trauma now#i apologize for nothing#good omens#good omens season 2#good omens 2#good omens fanart#good omens 2 spoilers#good omens spoilers#good omens season 2 spoilers#ineffable husbands#crowley#aziracrow#aziraphale#neil gaiman
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