I Had The Wildest Dream Of

my bestie, who I am working on going no contact with (have been unsuccessful in doing so, but I will get there). & also maybe YOU can help me get some clarity on the dream & its' meaning. So the dream starts off with me meeting my bestie at a particular room located in the Orlando Airport Hotel. Now if you have been to the Orlando Airport Hotel. It is basically a hotel within the airport, so you can see people below you, walking every which way; the only difference is that there were stairs connected to go into the lobby area of the hotel. I get to the room and he opens the door & has a red dress for me to wear. I put on the dress & then end up leaving to go do something. I don't necessarily remember what I went to do, but on my way back I look up from the lobby & notice that there is another woman in the same red dress that I had on. In my mind, at first, I had no issue with her being there because this is how it always goes: NONE of the females that he's dealt with know about me!!! Keep that in mind!! That woman that I seen coming out in the same red dress as me; begins to leave the room & I stay where I'm at because I had a feeling something else was about to happen. Lo & behold, another woman comes to the door where his room is, enters, & comes out wearing the same red dress as the other woman & I. In the same spot that I am in; without woman #2 noticing me; I see that woman #2 notice woman #3 come out & starts to hide from being seen. When woman #3 disappears; woman #2 makes her way back to the room to confront bestie. I guess woman #3 seen what was going down & began to hide as well. When woman #2 makes her way out of the room, woman #3 is magically in the lobby in the opposite direction of me. but does not see me. As woman #2 is leaving, woman #3 is bum rushing to the escalator to not be seen not realizing that woman #2 has already seen her prior to. I'm watching all this shxt just go down from where I'm at & I'm just like yo! what the fuxk!!!??!! Now, I'm one of those people that pays close attention to my dreams when I do dream. But ima tell ya'll what I got from it & then ya'll let me know what ya'll think. I think that he is juggling me & 2 other woman & doesn't want me to know about it, but the gag is I already had a feeling prior to this dream. Because I had been felt like I was being used & one thing about me I don't like feeling like I'm being used. & when I feel like that I'm on my way out without warning. I feel like he got these two women doing for him, what I can no longer do (which is a valid reasoning why I can't; this has been explained to him). Woman #2 & #3 know about each other, but neither of them know about me!

It's Been 3

weeks of no contact & I am feeling it but then I remember how he made me feel & I snap out of it. I know that it's okay to miss him. The urge to miss him is a lot stronger than before. I really was trying with him. All I wanted was for us to talk and get to know each other, but the fact that it was all about sex for him is what bothered me. I have him blocked on everything social media and deleted his number any time he called or texted me; to hold myself accountable & ensure that I don't fall into his trap. But I did not block his number so he can call me at any point & if I decide to break no contact that is my decision. I did this for me. I did this because I now know what I want in my life & he was not ready to offer that. Claiming that he had feelings for me but just did not want to be serious...even after owning up to my truths & knowing that my truths were not right for me. I was ready to move in the right direction & he decided to disrespect me & thought that I would let him back in like I always did. I had had enough & I was tired. He's not the most attractive, but it's not about that for me; its' about how you treat me & if you are willing to move like I matter to you. & he was moving like he didn't give af; so I just was over it! I warned him that I was on my way out & he did not believe me; only because I kept taking him back. Sex is important, but it's not that important to me. What's important to me is the intellect of a person & providing me my love languages after having a conversation about it. My mindset has changed so much since going no contact with both of them, (it's only been one day with Bestie); but the feels aren't hitting as hard as they are with him. He says that he knows that I care about him (which internally is true) but coming to the realization that we are only sexually compatible with each other is bothersome. I want more than that. & I remember him saying that he wanted more than that; but the thing is everything he said was just words. No action behind it. I was so excited when he had asked me if I wanted to go on a date :) (thinking that I was finally going to get what I wanted & he was going to FINALLY put actions to his words); only for it to be another conversation about nothing & wanting to have sex with me. I was lowkey disgusted & hurt because he was not listening to nothing I said. & when he did give me what I wanted; it was for a split second & then he was back to being him again. I'll be back with an update...

Normally, I Would

write in my journal pertaining to my thoughts but I wanted to bring it to tumblr & get some insight. Over the past few months, I have really taken the time to reflect on my life, who I am, & what I want for myself. Let's start with the men in my life & what deterred me from ever giving them the type of attention that I'd been giving them. For longer than I should have been; I had been "talking to" 3 men that were not in the same headspace as me (but I did not realize this until much later). Better late than never! MAN 1: I was in love with this man for a looooonnnnnnngggggg time but it began to feel like a relationship (friendship/situationship) that was only beneficial as long as I was able to provide for them in a monetary way. I started to sense that & the feelings that I had for this man began to slowly fade & it started to go back to being on a friendship level. But even in that I feel as though it's time to let it go. Because I am not feeling it; I feel used & have been feeling like that for a while so I know its time for me to go. I decided that the last "favor" that I did is the last one & I'm out. I did give this man a title that is very important (which I will not get into), but something is telling me that he is not going to hold up his end with it (& I have to listen to that intuition inside of me. Those rose colored glasses had to come off when it came to him & when I finally saw him; i became easily annoyed, didn't really want to communicate (we weren't talking anyways unless he needed something from me). MAN 2: POINT BLANK---our relationship was only based on sex via the phone because it was long distance; which at first I was cool with at first , but then I decided that I don't want that for myself. & went NO CONTACT with him. VERY RECENTLY, BUT I'M STANDING ON IT! & he never took the initiative to come & see me. Me not going to see him I have my reasoning (that I will not get into). Not only that, he was verbally controlling; never wanted to communicate (WE ONLY TALKED ABOUT SEX!). At one point, he claimed that he wanted to be with me, but then says he's "not looking for a relationship", well I'm not looking to be strung along for as long as I was. I did make him aware of MAN 1, but MAN 1 & I were never going to be together due to outside forces & because of the things that came to light during our friendship. At one point, MAN 2 asked me to prove to him that I wanted to be with him & I started to do that, but then I very quickly realized what was going on & just stopped. He said that I was annoying. SIDENOTE: I'm a lover girl so once you ask me to be your whatever, I'm very attentive (I need to work on just being laid back when a person shows interest) & MAN 2 did not like that; but that just means that he was not for me. I want to say it's been 5 days of NO CONTACT; if ya'll want an update on the NO CONTACT for MAN 2. Let me know. MAN 3: I met via Instagram (2 of 2 reasons why I decided to no longer do online dating). I just iced him out completely within reason. MAN 3 in my eyes was a very good communicator in the sense of how he spoke to me, but what made me go ghost on him completely is the simple fact that 1. he was very quick to say I love you & we had only been talking for 3 weeks at the time (this went on for a year) 2. he wanted to fly me out & i told him no multiple times because we DID NOT KNOW EACH OTHER (never seen each other in person). 3. always became defensive because I would not allow him to provide for me; he said that it was because he wanted to take care of me, but I felt as though it was because he wanted to have financial control & I was just not going for it.

With all 3 of these men, I feel as though they wanted to have some aspect of control over me. & I don't like that. & because of that it has led me to go back to having interest in women. Now before ya'll get on me. I have always been interested in women. I am physically attracted to men; & physically, mentally, & emotionally attracted to women which is why I label myself as Queer. At this moment in my life, I am not looking to be in a serious relationship with a woman, but I will date a woman. & my purpose in dating a woman is to determine my likes & dislikes; really just vibe out & develop a friendship with her. If said woman wants to date exclusively a conversation can be had. Can I see myself marrying a woman? Yes.

My relationships with men have always been rocky because I have a lot of masculine energy towards men regardless of me finding them physically attractive. It never works out, no matter how many times I try. But I have always been very soft with women & I am open to showing them the feminine side of me as a stem. When I need to be masculine for a woman I will, but aside from that I will remain in my feminine energy. I should have never derailed from being in relationships with women, but it had been so long at one point that I honestly figured that a man would have they head on right & from what I've seen it's still the same sh*t. Nothing new! A woman still ends up doing most of the work. WILLINGLY!

SINCE LAST TIME...

a lot has changed. I welcomed joy into my life & have been at peace since then. I let go of 2 relationships without an explanation because it was time to put me first & not care about the well-being of those who did not care for me. Even though it took me time to end these relationships; they ended. I'm working on speaking up for myself, but I have a tendency to want to blow up when I am triggered by things & have to control my emotions. One of the friendships that I ended was with my best friend (the one who had my heart for all those years). It ended on reasons I will not get into (that's for my journal). Since the ending of this one friendship, all I have been doing is processing the WHY? But I've just come to realize that there is no why in either side; they both did it because they wanted to & I was not a thought. I also realize that in the end, it was just me & putting my energy into others is something that I need to be conscious about.

Until next time...

Lil’ Kim 1997.

Shot by Dana Lixenburg

My First Love...

to love someone as deeply as I love him & to know that we are able to have a conversation as two grown ass adults now is everything. My love for this man is something that no one will ever understand. To have him in my life ( even if there is this dark cloud over him) is something that I cherish FOREVER. He is forever a part of me & as always NOBODY could ever break this! You could try but you would be unsuccessful in doing so. The only people who could break this deep connection is the two of us. There's love there in a way that is unexplainable!!! This is 15 years of a lot of shxt! History!!!! 15 years of knowing you physically & now having to know him all over again. Someone whose had a pull on my heart for so long & I still feel like my stomach sparks like fireworks EVERYTIME.We've been through the good,bad, & the most craziest shxt!! At least he knows where my loyalty stands & that in any situation I play my position ALWAYS!This has never been no fly by night dude for me. For some reason I needed him to tell me that it was okay for me to live my life & now that I know I'm okay with being in a relationship while loving him wholeheartedly in a different way. A windmill of emotions take over thinking about what could have been if he wasn't the man he is. If I wasn't the woman I am. To know that there is love there but we both have to let each other go is heartbreaking for me (but I have him in a way that no one else will). If I wasn't me I wouldn't have the relationship that I have with him. I wouldn't know the things that I know of him. I'm the "best friend without benefits". Even though I would gladly want the benefits we are both fully aware of my behavior after so it wouldn't have been a good look on either side. He said that he wouldn't want to hurt me which I completely understand. He said that my loyalty is unmatched...I could hear the heartbreak in his voice. Regardless of how much I love this man, I know I have to let him go. But he will forever & always DEADASS hold that one special place in my heart.

P.J.

I stopped counting my loc journey but I do know that I'm 4 months from being 2 YEARS LOCD!!!

Born in Queens, New York 1991

Long Island City // Queens // New York

February 26th, 2017

IG: @tj_martinez_

So Much

happened since I was last on this site. I did get that journal that I spoke about and I have been writing a lot of my thoughts there. But I thought I would catch you guys up. Since my last post, I quit my job at the restaurant and I now am working in my career field (which I am grateful for); it pays me very well, so I am grateful for that as well. As far as that friendship that I mentioned to you, that has died out. We rarely speak to each other now (now it's when something occurs in our lives). & I am really have come to terms with it. It's no surprise to me that the relationship is the way it is now. It is supposed to happen this way, & it happened for a reason. I have been reading a lot more & I have been enjoying it (I have always been a reader, but I had to make myself get back into it). A friend from IG recommended some books to me. That 'Ask & It Is Given' book is EVERYTHING!! I thought that it was going to be a small semi-thick book from the picture my friend had sent me, but when I got it. It literally looks like a textbook of 200 something pages, but it is worth the read. It is the first book out of the four that I purchased that I read 1. because of how thick it was & 2. because I was curious about the teachings of Abraham. I hear a few YouTubers I watch speak on Abraham a lot so it was very interesting to read that book & get some insight on their teaching methods. Also, I looked into attending therapy & I went to the location, but the location ended up being like a law firm (wrong address!!!); so I located a LEGIT one close to home for now, so I will be going to that one to do a consultation & hopefully start a new with something that I have been prolonging since college. Oh! also I forgot to tell ya'll...I challenged myself to a 6 month break off of my main sources of social media Instagram, Tiktok (I could manage not getting on there, but I removed the app for the hell of it) & Facebook. I had planned to start today (January 1, 2022), but something in my spirit told me to start before then, so I did & it's been great this far. I am enjoying it!! I will give ya'll an update on that around June!!!

Ya'll won't see me again for a long while. Ya'll know I be taking long breaks from Tumblr; HAPPY 2022!!!

My Dream Car; ALL BLACK JEEP

neck <3

I'm Just Going

with the flow of what's on my mind. One thing that I have been thinking about a lot recently is my "friendship" with a certain someone. In August of 2021, I felt as though I put an ending to the friendship because I realized she was not doing her part as a friend. She has a lot going in & I knew that I was supposed to be there as a listening ear; but I couldn't take it anymore. it became too draining for me. What I thought I had ended has resurfaced itself and I am just trying to figure out a way to gradually let this "friendship" die out. Because I ended things. Initially, I was hurt about ending things but then I realized it was the right thing to do. We are in different paths of our lives. I think the best way for this to die out is to just not answer their phone calls ( which was hard for me to do, because I was always there for them). I feel the same energy that I felt prior to ending the friendship, but I don't feel like they believed me when I semi-told them that I wanted it to be over. I question if the universe is telling me that this person is a necessity in my life. This person is not a bad person at all; they just has a lot of personal shxt going on in their lives that I cannot relate to. & that's where I'm at on this situation...

Work has been going okay...I just recently came out to a co-worker after working with the company for almost 3 months. I didn't really care for what their reaction would have been because I know who I am; outside of her FOR NOW (because the people at this company be all up in your shxt) no one at the company knows that I have an attraction to women. I don't broadcast my sexual orientation because it's really for people to find out. Now, if some asks I will gladly tell them with no hesitation what it is. They then went on to tell me that they like men and women as well, but lean more towards men because they feel as though meeting women is hard for them to do. GENERAL ADVICE: It's not hard to do at all; you just gotta feel the vibes out & get to talking to them...

All females got a little kick to them regardless to what is said out of their mouths; they have thought about it sometime during their life span.

Another thing I've thought about lately is my relationship with my dad. That relationship has been rocky every since he went away &+ got remarried. It's certain things that would occur that just made me feel as though there is no trying to save it anymore. Because I'm grown now, I'm no longer a young girl. Yeah, I could speak on what is bothersome for me, but a person's actions shows you exactly who they are. Yes, they can provide for me, but that is not enough. & it's VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY FAR & FEW that I ask them for anything because it just feels mad weird asking for shxt. Even though that is my father. I have a lot to unpack when it comes to the dynamic of our relationship & I don't feel as though they will see it from my point of view or even understand where it is that I'm coming from.

I have spoken on it several times that I feel as though I will need therapy just to get a clear understanding & unbiased suggestions on things that have occurred in my life. I feel as though it would help to not feel as though my thoughts are running a thousand miles per minute due to past shxt that has already happened. I want to be able to be in the moment & just live for me. But I get all this gaslighting of trying to make me feel a way for having the thoughts that I have so I don't speak up. I kind of just sit in my thoughts not saying anything.

Well, that's it for now. I will hopefully get a journal so I can actually write my thoughts out because there is so much more I want to say...

So I Got The Job

at a very popular restaurant, which is a very extravagant. I am happy that I have been giving the opportunity to work with a company that is so prestigious. What was spoken of with the manager & general manager is what is fitting for me at this time.

I got another opportunity that I am grateful about. The conversation through email is great. But we will be meeting again virtually at 10:00am. The agency seems fitting for my knowledge, and what I can bring to the company.

It's Been Almost

a total of 4 months since I've been living in Florida. During my time here, I've been doing most of the touristy things that people do when they come to visit the Sunshine State. While doing that, I've also been in the house (by choice). My interaction with people is still something that I am working on. When it comes to the music aspect that is the only time I really interact because I've put myself in my element. Speaking of music, I have gotten a few connections in my pocket; hopefully, with these connections I'll be able to really get my feet wet in the music scene out here. Recently, I wrote a song entitled, "No Hook". I'm literally going bar for bar with no verses, hook, or bridge. I am proud of it, & believe I have said everything as direct I could have. I am excited to go forward with it in the future.

Something recent that has happened in my life, is that I have been "Facebook Dating". I am not the type of person internally that does the online dating thing, but I always end up doing it because meeting people in person is a thing that seems so foreign to me since having a relationship with someone that I was once so close with. I feel as though after having a relationship as close as that one, no one meets that standards as far as how we communicated. It's like these people don't know how to do that these days. I mean, I can communicate as long as you give me something to communicate about. Everyone just seems so blah these days. They made it so that others have some big shoes to fill with that. The communication is shxt these days...I have been talking to someone on the "dating app" who I feel is possibly someone I can develop a relationship with but my thing is...I asked all the hard questions in the beginning, so it just feels like we have nothing to talk about anymore. Our conversations are very short & to the point now. How do older people in relationships keep the conversation going after the hard core questions? They have told me all the things that they want out of life, & I want all the same; but I am going into this being cautious as fuxk because of all of the mistakes that I have made in the past.

I promised myself that I would not treat myself like I have treated myself in the past. While being 5 months into my 30s, I have been very logical about how I move with anything that I do in life. & plus some of the people on this site ain't it. Like, I can feel it. A side from the relationship aspect; I have decided not to make the "No Hook" freestyle an Instagram freestyle, because it will be my debut recording record to show people how talented I am as a writer. I always say that I have continued to work so hard on my craft. It wasn't until recently that I realized; I really need to do this on my own if what I'm saying is ever going to get out. Depending on anyone is not going to get me anywhere with this music career that I am working to build for myself.

I have also been thinking about who would manage me when I become a songwriter to BIG TIME music artists. I always thought about keeping it in the family to protect myself, but the only person in the family that could manage me is my father. & its a good look because he has been in the business for a long time and is very knowledgeable about contracts and what loop holes to look for. What's making me possibly learn towards no...is because I want to have the option to say yes or no to whichever deal is being handed to me at the time. After thoroughly looking through the contracts of course. Even though I have been taking a step back to understand what I want to talk about next, music is forever a part of me in any stage of my life. Music gets me through whatever I may be going through at the time.

Now, as far as looking for a job. I have been looking for employment since I moved here in April 2021. I had some jobs that offered me opportunities to work with their companies, but none of them truly fit. Even if I accepted the job, there were things that constantly tell me that I should not be working for these companies even if it was something minor. Something as small as already having the position but the company not doing a follow up, or accepting then declining a position because it was not fitting for me. Since then, I have been applying to at least 10+ jobs a day; equaling over 100+ job applications. I have also been applying for careers in the field of social work. I have had interviews with these agencies, but have not received a call back for an office position. I remain positive and know that I will get a career in the field of social work. Everyday is a job looking to find a career I would be happy in, outside of music.

I finally took my feet off the ground & got them wet with my music career. Brittany, put me in contact with a media company & a recording studio that is close by me; after asking her if she had any connects. The contact with the media company, connected me with a producer in Orlando. I have contacted the producer and the person that owns the recording studio; so I can began recording "No Hook". I hope to hear a response from both in the near future so people can really hear what my pen game is like.

Things are looking up for me as far as what is a necessity. Because I always say whatever I don't have it was not meant for me to have; so I accept how things are but I also keep pushing for what I want out of life.

As you get closer to your 30s; you see life for what its really about. Because for real for real, outsiders could care vaguely less.

Love & Peace,

PJ

Hey Brands!!! The Misrepresentation of Deaf Content Creators Has To Stop!!!

Hello Readers,

Many of you are unaware that I am hard of hearing, & did not develop my identity into the Deaf community until I was 8 years old (3rd grade). I wanted to come on and talk to you about how there are several hearing content creators that are posing as Deaf to do brand promotion for different brands such as Fenty Beauty, Anastasia Beverly Hills, Nars, Mac, Urban Decay, etc. This is very offensive to the Deaf community due to the fact that we are very aware that these hearing content creators were not raised, or accustomed to the language that is known as American Sign Language. For someone who is knowledgeable of the language, when you look at hand movements of the signs, you can clearly see that these people are not well versed in the language. Brands, when you are interested in hiring someone who is Deaf to do promotion for your company; how about hiring an interpreter to ensure that person is well-versed in the language before offering them a position that is meant for a Deaf person. There are many Deaf people in this world who would be ecstatic to work with your companies, but because you do not take the time to do your research, you create a wildfire of emotions within the Deaf community where they express their frustrations about inaccurate representation. This has got to STOP!!! Along with myself, I have several  acquaintances, that would be happy to educate & even become a representation for the Deaf community within your companies. How can we make work together to ensure that the language is accurate and accessible to the Deaf community as a team? 

So Tumblr Asked Me " What Is On My Mind"....

I guess that's they way of telling me that I ain't been on here in a minute. To be honest, I been busy working. So much positivity is transpiring. & I am loving it. All I can say is that I will be close to family. & that's cool for me. Work is tiresome; but getting these bags is more important. Because the only goal I have is to go UP ( in my Cardi B voice!). I continue with the freestyles & continue to make content for my channel. With school, that unfortunately got put on PAUSE, but I applied to Walden University as an M.A. in Addictions Counseling for Fall 2021 Semester. Because I am sure! I've really been focusing on the things that I want in life. So spoken existence is everything in this age of 30. A lot has transpired that has become unexpected, but with excitement & humbleness. I always say that I have a story & that I will find a way to tell it. Patience is a virtue. With patience, you learn. With interest, you love. That is me 18+ years in this industry. I may not be well known. But people know of me. Everyday this is reality. Huming the Chorus to a song. Attempting to sing like Whitney Houston!. But then, I realized my talent at 13 as a poet. & shortly after began writing songs. It's therapeutic for the mind, body, & soul. In a way that is unexplainable. Did I expect to fall in love with music? Yes, because I am always writing. I remember my diary I had at 13.....; I put myself out seriously around 2014; & that is the beginning of something that stuck for me. Yeah, I know. But it fits me. Poetress Justice est. 2013. She is a brand. She is a business. She is worthy. She is payable. She accommodates. She don't backpedal. Yes or Nay. I am excited to see where this journey leads me. CONTRACTS READY FOR BUSINESS & PHOTOSHOOTS!

HAVE ANY QUESTIONS OR CONCERNS