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myfictionalbtch · 1 year

Text

Her memory

Bucky Barnes x female reader

summary - Telling one of your closest friends you killed her mother almost 2 decades ago seems to be harder than it sounds. Bucky could talk about it.

warnings - mention of murder, sadness, a bit fluffy

Word count - 1,2k

a/n - hello, this one is quickly written, but I hope you enjoy it.

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“I just don’t understand it, I guess I’m just too old,” Bucky grumbled as he shifted on the other side of her couch, glaring at the tv.

“Oh come on, you just weren’t watching,” she bumped her foot against his bicep in warning, and he settled down.

She watched for a few minutes before he grumbled. Again. She got annoyed.

“Bucky c’mon, just try for me please, this was my mom’s favorite movie, I just want to do something she liked,” she begged sadly, making him stop in his tracks. Frozen, he unglued his eyes from the tv.

“Why today?” He knew.

“Oh, it’s the anniversary of her death, I just wanted to remember her with something nice,” (y/n) shrugged like it was nothing. He knew she sometimes had problems with showing her emotions.

“She was killed when she was working, an accident they said, but what kind of an accident is being covered by the government, I don’t know,” she smiled sadly. The weight of the notebook in his pocket was a million times multiplied as the words of truth sat on the tip of his tongue.

“I just wish they would at least tell me, I mean, how big of a deal is the death of a cashier to the government,” too focused on the frustration written on her face, he didn’t even register the words that escaped his mouth.

“She wasn’t a cashier,”

He knew he fucked up. The moment the last letter left his tongue, he knew he lost her. His closest friend, the only person he had in this, for him, absolutely foreign world.

“What do you mean Buck?” She asked.

“I-” he stuttered. He couldn’t possibly tell her He killed her mother because she was working for the SHIELD and was at the wrong place at the wrong time.

“James,” she threatened.

“I haven’t told you something important about my past,” he started. The notebook burned his skin through the thin material of his sweatpants. He took it out and handed it to her shakily.

“What is this Buck,” she asked confused.

“There is a page marked, open and read.”

“List of amends? Buck why would I care about people you wronged…” she stopped talking.

“Why is my name written in here bucky?” The desperation in her voice made his heart ache.

“I- I just want you to listen, and listen carefully. I know that after what I tell you you might never want to talk to me again, but I need you to listen to me until I finish talking,” he pleaded. She wordlessly nodded, not knowing what to expect.

So he started. He told her everything. Like the fact that he was truly old, and the jokes weren’t actually jokes, what HYDRA did to him, he showed her his arm for the first time. He told her about the mission from 15 years ago. How he was tasked to intercept an ongoing S.H.I.E.L.D. investigation that had come too close to ruining hydra, and how he had to destroy evidence and kill anyone who could say even a word of it.

He told her how he almost didn’t find her mother, she was hiding in one of the cabinets, but her heart beat too loudly, and he tracked her down.

At the end of his rant, tears were streaming down his cheeks, and he was desperate to hold it together, not to break down and beg her not to walk out of his life. He was selfish, but he couldn’t do it without her. It was as if she gave his life a new meaning after he was pardoned. As if he was whole again, after so many years of suffering.

She was quiet, her eyes wide with fear, horror, and sadness.

“Please,” he croaked out. “Please say something,”

“How were you planning to make amends with me? We’ve been friends for 8 months,” she mumbled, sniffling slightly. He chuckled humorlessly.

“Honestly, I have no idea. Before you, I didn’t take the list very seriously, most of the people on there were corrupted people who wronged hydra and I was sent to punish them by doing something worse than killing them,” Bucky shrugged. “But then, you came along. And for the first time, since I started therapy, the list became important to me. Maybe it was because I got the corrupted people done quickly, and left people like you, good people, to deal with later.” He looked at the notebook in her hands.

“I’m almost done, you know?” He chuckled. “There are 3 people left, If I’m not counting you,” he sighed sadly.

She looked at him for a while, studying him with her gaze. He should’ve felt tense, but right there and then, he didn’t. That’s where he felt the safest, the most himself. Under her gaze, in the confines of her cozy apartment.

“Do you remember everything from that day?” She peeped out, voice rough from the strain she put on herself not to break down. He nodded. It was his curse, all the memory wiping, and the only thing he could vividly remember were the faces. The horrified faces of people he murdered in cold blood.

The two of them sat in silence. Looking at each other from time to time, coming to terms with and realizing what had just happened.

“And he is gone. Completely? The winter soldier I mean,” She questioned curiously. Bucky nodded in reply.

“Yes, totally gone, nothing can trigger me, the words they used as a trigger are wiped, I spent some time in Wakanda because of it,” he explained. He saw her visibly relax.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured. He almost jumped back.

“Why the hell are you apologizing?” He furrowed his brows.

“Because it’s unfair, I should be angry or horrified, or sad, or whatever, but I’m not, because what you have gone through is horrible, and terrifying, and I could never be angry with you because It’s you we are talking about,” she breathed out.

“Which sounds really weird when I think about it because, Bucky, you killed my mother, but at the same time it wasn’t you, and I’m rambling, and I- I just don’t know what to do,” she threw her hands in the air.

Bucky thought about it for a while.

“Would you want some space between us, like not seeing each other for a while?” She shrugged.

“I don’t know, I just- I need some time to think,”

“I’ll go then, call me when you are ready,” Bucky smiled sadly. She got to know him well enough over the past few months that they’d been friends to know, he was in agony.

She caught his hand as he went to stand up from the couch.

“I want you to know I don’t hate you, and that it was not your fault. I’m not angry, I just need some time to process. So please,” she pleaded. “Please don’t beat yourself up about this, I’m thankful you told me, it brought me the peace I haven’t known in over a decade,”

He nodded wordlessly, feeling just a little better about the situation.

“I might need some time so, please, give it to me, and when I’m ready, I’ll be back with you,” she squeezed his hand.

“I promise,”

He left her apartment with a small smile. He hadn’t lost her. And even if she needed some space right now, he was soothed by the fact that she would be back in his arms.

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if anyone by any chance likes to read Harry Styles fanfictions, I have a separate blog, so go check it out. I made this one so I wouldn't mix fandoms when I feel like writing for someone else other than Harry.

*mwuah

#bucky fanfic #bucky barnes #bucky x y/n #bucky x reader #marvel fanfiction #marvel fanfic idea #fanfiction #fanfic

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