musingsofanaroace
Musings of an AroAce
I'm AroAce and agender. Also, I have AuDHD. My special interests include ancient history, biology, and dinosaurs. My postings will explore these topics and any others that pique my interest.pronouns: they/them
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Coming Out as AroAce-Things People Say
Here's a list of things people have said to me when I came out as AroAce to them.
It's just a phase.
I can fix you.
Doctor House cured someone who thought they were asexual. Perhaps you just need to see a doctor.
Maybe you just haven't met the right person yet.
Don't worry, you're still young. When you get older, you'll change your mind. (Note: I was twenty-five!)
You just made up this sexual orientation because you want to feel special.
You'll be alone forever.
I'm sure you'll find someone. Don't give up hope!
What do you mean you don't feel sexual and romantic attraction? Everyone does. Maybe there's something wrong with you that a doctor can fix.
Does that mean you want to become a nun?
That's not a real thing. Surely, you're making that up.
How sad. You're so pretty! Is there a cure?
I'll pray for you. I'm sure Jesus can set you on the path of righteousness and make you whole once more. My church meets on Saturdays. Do you want to go with me? The pastor is the kindest soul you could ever meet. I'm sure he could help you.
Oh, you're just scared to date someone. You know, I have a friend who's really nice. Do you want his number?
Are you sure you're not just a lesbian?
What's that? It sounds like the name of a stripper club.
Perhaps if you wore makeup and grew out your hair, you could get a boyfriend. No problem.
How interesting! I never heard of such a thing before. Huh...You learn something new everyday.
That makes sense.
AroAce? What's that? Is it contagious?
That's cool. Do you AroAce people have your own flag? (Blank stare from me.) Sorry, I just really love flags. (I show him the flag.) Wow! It reminds me of the beach.
A isn't for ally? Are you sure? I read on a forum a while back that the A stood for ally. Maybe you got your facts mixed up.
Don't be silly. There's no such thing as an AroAce. Stop making things up!
sister's boyfriend: You're f-- delusional! AroAce isn't a thing. You just can't accept the fact that no one wants to date a psychotic b--. You don't stand a f-- chance of getting a boyfriend until you get some psychiatric help first. (Note: Fortunate for him, I kept my cool and didn't push him down the stairs.)
Well, that's all I remember/have written down. Until next time, take care and stay curious.
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"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
-Douglas Adams
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Getting Bullied
I may be oversharing but here goes.
I wasn’t diagnosed with AuDHD until my late thirties. As a kid, I struggled with understanding social cues and making friends. And because I didn’t act like the other kids around me, I got bullied. The bullies would ask me invasive questions, taunt me, and call me names under their breath. One asshat in particular would even push or trip me when the teachers had their eyes elsewhere.
And the adults in my life did nothing to stop it: My parents told me to just ignore them, my grandma advised me to have a thicker skin, and a teacher taught me this saying: “Sicks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” The only bully who got into trouble for picking on me was the one who stabbed my right bicep with a sharpened pencil while I sat at my desk working on my homework. He stabbed me with such force that the tip of the pencil went through my shirt sleeve and pierced my skin. I just remember an explosion of lights and blood. To this day, I still have an indent in my upper arm where he stabbed me.
Shortly after my sixteenth birthday, I lost my grandma to multiple myeloma. This loss made it especially difficult for me to deal with the three bullies who had decided to target me in high school. When I told a school councilor about my situation, she told me that I must have unintentionally did something to hurt their feelings. She then advised me to approach these bullies and ask them what I did to upset them. After I listened to their complaint, I should apologize to them for my misbehavior and promise never to do it again. Seriously?
The bullying from these three became so intense that I ended up switching schools. In the new school, I kept my head low and made like Casper.
I would say that the bullying I experienced as a kid had an impact on my mental health. It could even partially explain the rejection sensitive dysphoria I experience so severely and intensely. Also, I find it difficult to share my opinions and let new people into my life. I’m working on moving past the trauma of getting bullied, and I feel sharing my experience is a good first step.
Thank you for taking the time to reading this. I hope you have a good day filled with acceptance and understanding.
#personal essay#adhd#neurodivergent#autism#autism spectrum disorder#audhd#trauma#bullying#attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
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Top Five Writing Books
Wonderbook by Jeff VanderMeer
This book provides a fun and engaging way to learn how to write your own fictional story. I love the colorful illustrations and informative information. A must read for any aspiring author.
Grammar by Diagram by Cindy L. Vitto
When I read other grammar books, I really struggled to complete the lessons presented in those books and couldn't apply what I learned to my own writing. This one is different, for it breaks down grammar into ten sentence structures that increase in complexity. Diagramming the sentences helped me understand each individual lesson, and for the first time in my life, I understood grammar better than I ever had before!
On Writing Well by William Zinsser
The intended audience for this book is nonfiction writers, but the advice offered can help fiction writers as well. Also, I found the writing engaging and easy to understand.
Bird by Bird by Anne Lemott
I read this book for a course in uni and fell in love with it. The section about the one inch picture frame has remained with me to this day. What is the one inch picture frame? When faced with an insurmountable project, break it up into smaller projects or one inch picture frames and proceed from there taking it one small frame at a time.
The Sense of Style by Steven Pinker
I found this book engaging, informative, and a bit hilarious. The advise provided helped me improve my writing skills. I really need to reread it one of this days.
Well, that's all I have for today. Until next time, take care and stay curious.
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Thinking, Fast and Slow Book Review
I just finished reading Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, and I would like to share my thoughts with you.
What is this book about? It covers (in excruciating detail) the different biases that impact humans, explores how system one creates these biases, and explains how system two can prevent these biases from occurring in the first place.
What do I like about this book? The author possesses a deep and thorough knowledge of the numerous biases that can potentially impact the human decision making process.
What do I dislike about this book? The constant use of WYSIATI annoyed me to no end and the initialism made no sense in my brain. What you see is all there is. What does that mean? What you see is only a limited view of the world. There's so much that we don't see, such as microorganisms and infrared light and dark matter and the passage of time. Do people really have such a narrow view of the world? Perhaps, I took this initialism too literally. In addition, the book made me hyperaware that my brain works differently than most people. Either that, or the author doesn't take into account that not everyone thinks or experiences the world the same, especially those with neurodevelopmental conditions and brain injuries and mental illnesses. Lastly, some of the studies seem outdated and lacking in detail. Also, the societal norms of the sixties and seventies differ from those of today. A second edition is definitely needed to correct this blatant oversight.
What do I rate this book? I rate this book a two out of five stars.
Would I recommend this book? Not really.
Why wouldn't I recommend this book? The author writes in a dry and monotonous tone. Also, the author has a very allosexual, heteronormative, allistic, and binary view of the world that drove me a bit nuts.
To whom would I recommend this book? I would recommend this book to undergraduate students studying psychology and economics.
Final thought: If I participated in any of the studies mentioned in this book, my answers and responses would constitute the outlier, for I think too much and ask too many questions. Maybe I just have a loud system two that likes to talk over my system one. As you can probably guess, I do not excel at making quick decisions and perform poorly on timed tests.
Well, that's all I have for today. Until next time, take care and stay curious.
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Types of Stimming
What is stimming? Stimming is an involuntary, self-stimulatory behavior that helps people regulate their emotions and cope with stressful or overwhelming situations. Even though everyone stims, those with autism and/or sensory processing disorder tend to stim more frequently; in addition, their stims are more pronounced. In this post, I will explain the different types of stimming and give personal examples.
Note: If you feel comfortable, please share your stims in the comments.
Visual Stimming
Visual stimming includes any repetitive action that involves eyesight. For me, I love watching the hot wax in a lava lamp form odd globular shapes as it floats upwards or downwards. I also love watching the rain as it slithers snakelike down the windowpane. As a child, I owned several kaleidoscopes and would spend several hours staring into the tube mesmerized by the bright colors and the shifting shapes.
Auditory Stimming
Auditory stimming involves repetitively listening to or making a certain sound or noise. Personally, I like clacking sounds, such as when an arrow hits the pegs on a disc, or a playing card hits the spokes of a wheel. Think roulette wheel or The Game of Life spinner. I also like the sound a rainmaker tube and Slinky makes, and the sound produced when I rub my hands together. Additionally, I have a habit of playing songs on repeat or hearing the entire song play in my head over and over again. In the privacy of my home, I may make a random whoop or wee sound when excited or annoyed.
Verbal Stimming
Verbal stimming involves repeating words, phrases, or noises. As a toddler, I learned to speak by repeating the words or sentences I heard other people say. In elementary school, I would repeat dialogue spoken by characters in movies or shows if I didn't know what to say in a social situation. When in a situation that sets off my anxiety, I will repeatedly say "one, two, three" under my breath until the situation passes. Final example, I will randomly say "you know" in conversations especially conversations with people I don't know or conversations that are emotionally charged. And sometimes, these two words will repeatedly play in my head in different pitches and speeds when I find myself in an unfamiliar or confusing environment. The rhythmic repetition of these two words helps me regulate the intense emotions I am feeling at that moment.
Tactile Stimming
These stims involve touch. Since a child, I loved rubbing the fabric of my shirt with thumb and pointer finger. And unlike a majority of autistic people, I do like the tags on my shirts, for I enjoy rubbing and fiddling with them. I also like the feel of rubbing my hands together and of squeezing a Koosh.
Note: I used to squeeze stress balls until one exploded releasing this sticky, foul smelling liquid. Now, I'm a bit scared of them.
Oral and Olfactory Stimming
These stims involve the mouth and nose. As I kid, I loved chewing. Pencils, straws, toothpicks, gum, you name it. But I stopped this type of stimming when I developed pain in my jaw. Now, I resort to swishing liquid in my mouth. I have one unusual olfactory stim: I like the smell of antifreeze.
Vestibular and Proprioception Stimming
These stims involve receptive actions that deal with balance or your sense of the world around you. For me, I like to jiggle and bounce my legs, sway from side to side, pace, flap, and spin. I will delve into the spin stim a bit more. As a kid, I enjoyed watching the clothes as they tumbled in the dryer, and the blade of a box fan as it spun. To this day, I will still spin 180 degrees clockwise and then 180 degrees counter clockwise and will continue with this motion until I become dizzy or motion sick. Another activity I enjoyed as a kid was bouncing on a trampoline or pogo ball. I used to also tap my fingers on wooden or metal surfaces, but I stopped this stim after I got a detention for disrupting the classroom.
Note: I didn't enjoy doing laps around the dank, smelly gym.
Combo Stimming
These are stims that involve multiple senses. When in a stressful or scary situation, such as going over a bridge or getting a ride from a taxi driver, I will close my eyes, rock from side to side, wring my hands, and repeat "one, two, three" under my breath until the situation passes. If I become hyper focused while reading, I will flap the book and rock back and forth. I may even hum under my breath and repeat key words or phrases. When writing, I will rock from side to side loosening the screws on my chair. Sometimes, I will also hum under my breath and flap a Koosh. When frustrated, I pace in circles, flap my hands, and talk to myself. Lastly, when exited or overjoyed, I will either flap my hands and wee, or twist my body and clap my hands. And for extreme cases, foot stomping may commence.
Well, that's all I have for today. Until next time, take care and stay curious.
Sources:
experia USA
"Understanding the Different Types of Stimming"
15 July 2022
2. Chris and Debby
"Autism and Stimming: 10 Types of Autistic Stims"
aired: 12 April 2024
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ADHD Hacks: Body Doubling
What is body doubling? It's when an you work alongside another person to help you stay focused, engaged, or motivated while completing a task.
But what if you don't have someone to serve as your body double? Here are some suggestions.
You can hang an artwork of a person over your work station. I use a poster.
The one I used as a kid. (Photographer: Richard Stacks)
The one I used for the past eighteen years.
The one I currently use.
If you don't have artwork of a person, you can use a plushie.
I had this little guy since a baby. His name is Boo Boo.
If you don't have a plushie, you can use an animal shaped lamp or statue.
This is Henri.
If you don't have an animal shaped lamp or statue, you can turn on a YouTube video and mute it.
Here's a list of the channels I use: Noahfinnce, Jammidodger, Doctor Mike, SciGuys, and That Autistic Guy.
If you don't have access to YouTube or find it distracting, you can use a body doubling app.
Since I've never used this type of app before, I have no recommendations. But if you know of a good one, please leave a comment.
Well, that's all I have for today. Until next time, take care and stay curious.
#monchichi#neurodivergent#adhd#audhd#attention deficit hyperactivity disorder#autism#autism spectrum disorder#sci guys#noahfinnce#jammidodger#hoobastank#doctor mike#lgbtqia
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Top Five Musicians
Noahfinnce
I've never heard a more relatable album than Growing Up on the Internet. I also liked all of the songs on his two EPs and singles. I can't wait to see what he comes out with next.
Green Day
I've been a fan of theirs since 1992 when everyone in my year was into New Kids on the Block. The albums I really enjoy: Revolution Radio, American Idiot, 21st Century Breakdown, Saviors, Warning, Dookie, and Nimrod.
Neon Trees
I've liked this band since they released "1983" in 2010. My favorite album of theirs is I Can Feel You Forgetting Me. Hopefully, they release a new album in the near future.
My Chemical Romance
My Chemical Romance was my favorite band in uni. I have listened to Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge and The Black Parade an embarrassing amount of times.
Nirvana
Shortly after discovering Green Day, I discovered Nirvana. The songs on Bleach, Nevermind, and In Utero are forever burned into my brain.
Well, that's all I have for today. Until next time, take care and stay curious.
#top five#noahfinnce#nirvana#green day#my chemical romance#neon trees#punk#pop punk#punk rock#alternative rock#lgbtqia#transgender#audhd#autism#adhd#autism spectrum disorder#attention deficit hyperactivity disorder#mental health#mental illness
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"A person's a person, no matter how small."
-Dr. Suess
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Had a good time at the Noahfinnce concert in Chicago.
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When my brain was developing, it must have lost the instruction manual, and instead of asking for a replacement, it decided to create its own version, one written in a fictitious language, such as Simlish. And the result?AuDHD!
#adhd#autism#autism spectrum disorder#neurodivergent#audhd#personal opinion#attention deficit hyperactivity disorder#simlish
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Assyria Book Review
I just finished reading Assyria by Eckart Frahm, and I would like to share my thoughts with you.
What is this book about? It follows the history of the Assyrian civilization from neolithic times to its collapse in 609 BC. It also looks at how Assyrian culture has influenced future civilizations including the modern world.
What do I like about this book? I like how the author provides a summery at the start of each chapter before delving into the details. He posses an exhaustive knowledge on the Assyrians and the other civilizations they interacted with, such as the Medes, the Egyptians, the Persians, the Babylonians, etc. I also liked how he didn't focus solely on the kings and their epic battles providing intermittent commentary on the commoners and their daily life.
What do I dislike about this book? I didn't like the times when the author switched the focus unto another civilization. Most times, I couldn't understand how the provided information helped me understand the Assyrians better. And sometime, it detracted attention away from the Assyrians. Perhaps a bit of trimming would have improved the narrative flow.
What do I rate this book? I rate this book a four out of five stars.
Would I recommend this book? Yes.
Why would I recommend this book? I would recommend this book because it provides a good introduction to the Assyrian civilization and their enemies/allies. It also provides information on the destruction of Assyrian archeological sites and artifacts by ISIS in 2015/2016.
To whom would I recommend this book? I would recommend this book to anyone who has an interest in ancient civilizations or wants to learn more about the Neo-Assyrians.
Note: If you liked this book, I would recommend Weavers, Scribes, and Kings by Amanda H. Podany.
Well, that's all I have for today. Until next time, take care and stay curious.
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The elephant is my spirit animal. What's yours?
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Realizing I was Agender
When did I realize I was agender?
I've never encountered this thing called gender. I was three or four years old when I fist realized that the gender binary confused me. I didn't innately feel like a girl nor did I innately feel like a boy. I always felt like I was just a person, an individual, a homo sapiens. I didn't understand why girls were supposed to like "these things" and boys were suppose to like "those things". To me, toys and clothes didn't have a gender assigned to them. I played with toys that I liked and dressed in clothes that made me feel comfortable. Disregarding the fact that my undiagnosed AuDHD made school and social situations a bit challenging, I had a pretty happy and carefree childhood.
Then, at ten years old, my idyllic world came crashing down upon my head when I learned about puberty. Even though I knew better, I was convinced that I would never get a period or grow boobs. For I knew that I wanted to remain gender neutral in appearance for the rest of my life. Essentially, I wanted people who looked at me to think, "Oh, no! Male? Female? I don't know which one you are."
When I got my first period at eleven, I was in denial. It took hours for mi madre to convince me to use a sanitary product. And to this day, I still feel uncomfortable buying them at the supermarket. I can't wait for the day when I don't have to worry about it anymore.
And then came the boobs. And when the boobs came, gender dysphoria really dug its talons into me. I remember crying in the shower and trying to push the breast tissue back into my chest.
At fifteen, I came up with a term to describe my experience: nongender as in "no gender detected".
When did I discover the term agender?
In the last year of university, while doing an essay for a composition class, I came upon the word agender in a psychology journal, and it resonated with me strongly. I then learned that this term fell under the trans nonbinary umbrella. And from that day, I have used this term to describe my gender identity.
When did I learn about top surgery?
While at university, I read Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg for a queer literature class.
It was a revelation to me that I could remove the lumps from my chest that caused me such intense dysphoria. From that moment, I knew that I would get top surgery.
What was my coming out experience?
In high school, I told my best friend that I had no gender, and he just accepted it. My parents never really understood it, but they do hold many liberal beliefs and accept the fact that people experience life differently than they do. For them, all that matters is that I"m happy and healthy. I haven't told my other family members because I know they wouldn't accept it.
Which pronouns do I use?
I use they/them pronouns.
Do I get misgendered?
Yes, it happens all the time. I even got misgendered in the ASD and ADHD reports even though the doctors had stated in the first paragraph that I use gender neutral pronouns. I even got misgendered in the author biography of my self published novel Secrets Within because the cover designer refused to respect my pronouns.
When I get misgendered in my everyday life, I politely correct them. Sometimes they respect my pronouns and sometimes they don't. When someone continually misgenders me on purpose, I simply cut them out of my life, for I don't need toxic people around me.
After all, using my correct pronouns isn't that difficult. It's not rocket science; it's basic English grammar. Repeat after me, "You can use they/them pronouns in the third person singular." Also, I have the Merriam-Webster dictionary on my side. It states that the word "they" can be used for nonbinary people.
And this concludes how I realized I was agender. If you have anything to add, please leave it in the comments. Until next time, take care and stay curious.
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Gender Envy
What is gender envy?
It's a term initially used by trans people to describe someone they wish to emulate. It refers to having envy over that person's physical features, voice, mannerisms, style, and personality. And some people even get gender envy over cartoon characters or inanimate objects.
Source:
PFLAG Glossary
For fun, I decided to create my own gender envy list.
Note: I mainly felt envy over their mannerisms, style, and/or personality.
1. Aladdin
2. Robin Hood (Kevin Costner)
3. Link (Twilight Princess)
4. Elvis Presley
5. Billie Joe Armstrong
Well, that's all I have for today. Until next time, take care and stay curious.
#gender envy#billie joe armstrong#elvis presley#link#robin hood#aladdin#lgbtqia#transgender#nonbinary#agender
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"The man who never alters his opinions is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind."
-William Blake
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Realizing I was AroAce
When did I realize I was AroAce?
It was in 1995, when I was eleven going on twelve. During that time, boys started liking girls (or boys), and girls started liking boys (or girls). And the conversations evolved to include discussions about crushes, dating, kissing, and gossip. And I was totally lost. Never had I experienced this thing called a crush, nor did I have any interest in dating or kissing anyone. For a little while, I thought everyone had lost their minds.
So I did what I always did when in a situation incomprehensible to me: I analyzed it to death. I wrote down all the incongruities between me and my peers. I never had a crush and had no desire to French kiss anyone. In fact, it sounded quite gross. Swapping spit with someone seemed unsanitary and unnecessary. But having their first kiss seemed to be the only thing the girls in my year wanted to talk about. And when they got older, the obsession turned to sex, which I really didn’t understand. Why would anyone want to engage in that activity other than for reproductive purposes? With these facts, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t desire sexual stuff. Since I didn't know about the existence of the word asexual, I invented my own: nonsexual.
I defined nonsexual as someone who doesn’t experience crushes or desire sex. I know that this definition is quite limited and only describes asexuals who are sex averse or sex repulsed. But at the time, I didn't know that asexuals could be either sex neutral or sex favorable.
Once I figured out what to call my lack of sexual attraction, I moved on to romance. I knew I felt no desire to go on dates, hold hands, or get married. The whole process seemed like a waste of time and effort. In the time it would take to go on a date with someone, I could have spent that time doing something more productive. Like washing my clothes or reading a book or playing a board game with a friend. And watching couples get romantic in front of me, whether in the movies or in real life, always gave me the ick. In all honesty, this entire romance thing truly baffled me. Since I didn’t know the term aromantic, I dubbed it nonromantic.
At the time, I defined nonromantic as someone who doesn’t experience romantic feelings toward other people. And surprisingly, this definition aligns pretty well with that of aromantic.
What was my reaction to being AroAce?
I just accepted it. Never did I feel a desire to fit in, and peer pressure never impacted me. I had a fiercely independent and strong-willed personality. Also, I always stuck out like an odd duck, and I just embraced this identity. What else could I do? I definitely didn’t know at the time that I had AuDHD.
And another factor, I had just started puberty and with that came gender dysphoria. I didn’t have the time or energy to freak out about both my sexuality and gender. And since gender had confused me the longest, that’s the one I continued to obsess over.
When did I discover the term AroAce?
While doing my undergraduate degree, I discovered AVEN and the term asexual. I also learned that sexual drive differs from sexuality and that the term “sex averse” described me the best. (Note: A sex averse individual doesn’t mind if others have sex; it’s just not for them.)
While doing my graduate degree, I discovered the term aromantic. I also learned about the different types of attraction one can experience. Shortly after that, I found the term that resonated with me the most: AroAce!
What was my coming out experience?
I don’t really have a pivotal “coming out” moment. When I realized that I was AroAce (nonsexual and nonromantic), I simply talked to my madre about it. She just accepted it. Then I talked to my padre. He didn’t understand it, but at the the same time, he didn’t make a big deal out of it. To be honest, I didn’t even know at the time I was doing a thing called “coming out”. I was simply sharing a discovery I made about myself, and I felt comfortable telling them about it.
Do I feel apart of the lgbtqia+ community?
When I first came out as AroAce (nonsexual and nonromantic), the initials were lgbt, and I didn’t realize that I belonged to the community. I didn’t realize this until I discovered AVEN. At uni, I tried to join a rainbow alliance, but the members didn’t consider me “queer enough”, so after attending one meeting, I didn’t return.
Now, I do consider myself apart of the community, but I still don’t feel comfortable entering queer spaces. I know that I shouldn’t allow my one negative experience to hold me back, but I do find it hard to get over past rejections because I have rejection sensitive dysphoria (ADHD). I’m working on it and one day, I may attend my first Pride. Who knows?
Do I want a queer platonic partner?
I don’t really know. Perhaps? But in my forty years, I haven’t met (in real life) another “out” person on the A-spectrum. So right now, it doesn’t seem likely. Mayhap in the future? I guess only time will tell.
And this concludes how I realized I was AroAce. If you have anything to add, please leave it in the comments. Until next time, take care and stay curious.
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