Mey's MAY 2024

It's 11th May already and I can't believe how fast the time is running. Many things to focus and let go. This year seems heavy yet random. Ordinary life. One day I feel this sudden negativity, anxiety, anger and another day is peaceful, full with gratitude towards God. All has lot to do with my life decisions I guess. Last year I resigned from my work. It was needed. It was really very toxic workplace and culture, indeed impacted my mental health deeply. I continued to survive on my savings, attended a small workshop in Bangalore, joined work from home customer service (which wasn't my cup of tea, I couldn't take the verbal anger of people also night shift affected my mental health more I guess) and resigned within two months. I was on the edge of depression I don't know why. An old student called and inspired me. Asked me to try again for PhD and I started trying once again. It's never too late I guess. It's been 6 months now since I'm trying. I got selected for a few universities but I didn't want to go there. The only worry now is I want it to happen at the earliest because I'm out of finance now. One thing I realized, people respected me (whatever little) when I was working. Now since I resigned and started working towards my goal, I'm less respected. MONEY MATTERS. Above all this since the past 2 years I'm battling with this health issue. All my reports are normal. It seems my brain wants to give up on the body when its not feeling well. I think there's this constant loop. My health, job, money, PhD, relatives, family. One thing chasing other and connected. I do feel low sometimes (very rarely may be) since I have started counting my blessings and practicing gratitude, things seem smooth. Journaling helps too. All I feel is I am evolving ❤

It was March

It's 25th March already when I really wanted to write so so much about this month and welcome it gracefully. March is super special for me because it's my Birthday month!!! I feel great. I didn't know before how was I gonna take it because it was my 35th Birthday! Yes I said it here. I don't know how Gen Zees out there might feel or others might feel after reading this. But yes I'm 35 now. But I don't feel that way. On that day, today, I still feel I'm 15 . I'm still a teenager who is still there. May be because I'm single, not married, no kids. Or may be my naivety is still existing. Or may be I'm still little innocent and kind. I don't know. I still have that fear of getting judged. May be it's reduced a little but it exists. What improved in me in all these years is SELF LOVE. When I look back at the girl in her 20s, I really feel bad for her because she didn't know her worth. She used to think she's not beautiful, she isn't worthy of love, some day some prince charming should come and rescue her from all the pain, chaos. She never enjoyed herself, her own company, she didn't like to be alone. She was a people pleaser. Even people insulted her, she kept listening and tried being nice to them. But this 35 years old woman today is so much in love with herself. She doesn't feel the need of anyone else except Allaah (God) She truly loves herself. She finds each inch of her beautiful when she looks in the mirror. When today I looked at myself in mirror, I couldn't believe how beautiful I am masha'Allaah. In fact I moved away from the mirror to protect myself from my own evil eyes. God made me so beautiful. May be that young girl then too was very very beautiful but I couldn't see it 😊 so happiest birthday to me ❤Alhamdulillah for everything Allaah gave me and everything He took away from me! It was for best ❤ Sharing my journaling mind map I created in February, attached to this post here. Which includes everything in my mind

And it's 14th Feb

Another Valentine's Day. Was it usual? Kind of. Did the relationship status "Single" felt usual too? Yes! Did all this hit somewhere again? umm... tough one. Ok, Yes!

14th February didn't bother much in early 20s. Really! I was or still am ambitious. I never wanted to be in relationship other than marriage. It was crystal clear for me that either marriage or nothing. That's what I always believed in. My life story was "In Search of only Halaal" (permitted according to my faith) Boyfriend term was missing in my dictionary. Keeping that in mind, I used to approach people too. But my time and situations were different. I used to be in veil, was an introvert, super shy with boys. I also was very vulnerable, lacking in self love, under confident, love sick girl. I never knew what to do with my feelings other than just let them flow from eyes. I always ended up falling for men one sidedly (because they didn't have any access to approach me) I studied in girl's school and college. My family was going through emotional and financial crisis. But tough times taught many good lessons and I reached (or I would say Allaah made me reach) where am I today. Full with confidence, standing straight with my head high, walking at places the way I own them.... Life changed 360 degrees. And that's how being single doesn't feel any curse any more. Never been in relationship doesn't make me regret but indeed my tries, attempts to get married, made me meet , talk, chat many people and I regret about that sometimes. No one ever had crush on me makes me feel weird sometimes or may be I never knew (as my friends say) that anyone had one on me.

Anyways, this time entire day I was watching this romantic Turkish drama called "Kan Cicekleri" and as usual kept wishing for someone like the male lead character should arrive some day. Even if entire world would say the time has gone, I am not gonna find anyone, I don't care. Indeed, I don't search anyone anymore or don't fall for anyone other than these fictional characters, there's no harm to dream some day we may find some one. BUT EVEN IF WE DON'T, LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, I LOVE ME THE MOST AND YESSS, I WAS AND WILL BE MY VALENTINE, ALWAYS

Last week wasn't so good for me. It was pretty heavy. Sunday night I couldn't sleep. Fire crackers, groups of people making noise in front of the mosque near my house, people creating nuisance for others- disturbed me. I was replying hate comments on Instagram. But how much and what I'll do. I can't change anyone's perspective. Most important thing I learn during my days in an NGO was, one can't control others or what they think. And that was making me more anxious.

I thought weekend will be better and I'll be busy in the workshop but the workshop shocked me even more. It was more like a political party's election campaign, focusing on only one part of the society. I felt secluded. It wasn't for me. I felt like I'm not included in my own country. And I decided to leave that workshop. I travelled back home. All I wanted to clear my brain. I didn't know what to do. Was confused. In the end I called a guy who had asked me several times to meet him. May look foolish but there's no harm in trying something foolish sometimes. Asked him to meet, also informed him the reason as well so that he won't take it in any other way. First I tried finding fes cafes and in the end went back to the cafe where I have been already. Had super tasty Mushroom Spinach Cheese wrap with hot chocolate. And Paid my own bill as usual. That's very common thing with me. I don't let anyone pay my bills. And, no man even tries to do that too. It's fair because I was the one who had asked him to meet (right)

Anyways it helped me clear my brain. Told him everything which was troubling me entire weekend. We discussed politics and issues. While leaving he said, do something big for the community. You have potential and you can do that. Do something that countries will start offering you citizenship (OMG WILL THAT EVEN HAPPEN) But it motivated me. I felt better (at least lil dose of happy hormones I too deserve at my mid 30s right???

#stress

Well... I wanted to write one blog per day but it seems like that's not possible. Still I'll try. Will keep trying. At least this is my third blog of the month and I'm quite ok with that. They say, "one step at a time", " Slow yet consistent " I wish some day, I'll have many articles written on my blog for the readers like me who'll need them for journey. Till then, I'll keep doing my efforts. Well well, I was doing something indeed. I started my journaling journey again. And I'm getting better at it. I'm falling in love with writing again ❤

Self Love

Self love is the gift. The time you start falling in love with yourself, value yourself, prioritize YOU over anyone or anything else... That's where my girl- Change begins... One becomes unrecognizable... Starting by giving yourself time to heal, travelling alone, doing your favorite thing, living all by yourself alone, following skin care routine, leaving that toxic workplace or people or simply making boundaries and respecting them... Many things can be part of a self love journey which leads to growth! Brings positive change in entire personality, health, skin and what not!

If one is still a people pleaser, fed up with jealousy, gossip, toxic people- must start the self love and self care journey today

New Year, New Beginning

Happiest New Year to whoever will read this! (Whoever- because I am really unsure how many people read blogs nowadays. It was 2017 when I started this blog and used it. But on this 31st of 2023, something inside me told me to restart it and here I am. I was unsure whether my account still works of not. 7 years seems really long time to me, yet feels like yesterday. In this huge and superfast marathon of Gen z, in all influencing, content creating era- I am simply choosing to take small, content walk of sharing my heart out here. Still unaware of how things are done here, I want to write, type my feelings and find my tribe if it exists... :)

#myclicks #nofilter #thoseStones #beautyofGreen #simplicity #allabouttheview #plants #artificialandnatural (at Salisbury Park)

All about yesterday...

When crush turns into obsession

#indeed #busy #ambitiousgirl #buildingmyempire #strivingformydreams

My First Blog here....

Assalamualaikum and Hi everyone, Feeling very excited to write my very first blog. I hope the journey will be very beautiful. All my target is to spread peace and serve humanity around. Through my teaching, my preaching, lectures, my writing or anything I can do for it. All I think is life is beautiful if you try to make it, just matter of our soul. Where are we taking it? Are we providing our soul a sufficient healthy resource everyday? Are we kind enough to help everyone around, no matter even if it's a simple smile? Are we wealthy enough just to share our food if anyone hungry comes across? Can we help anyone just by giving a glass of water to him or her?? 🙂 Spreading humanity is just spreading love around. Simple things make something incredible... Belive and keep doing good....