I fucked up

Big time. Last night was the town carnival, and in a severe lack of judgement decided to drink rather heavily. Fast forward to six in the morning and I find myself in a holding cell, after being hospitalized for many hours. I was found trying to get into the wrong house...My court date is at the end of the month, the only support groups near me are an hour away. I cannot express how much I despise myself right now. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

This is Tonpa Shenrab Miwoche. He was a buddha and founder for the Bon religion. Concerned with the liberation of all sentient beings he came spread his teachings in Tibet coming from a lost Kingdom known as Zhang Zhung, and turned people away from animal sacrifice. Many Bonpos believe that their religion dates back to 18,000 years ago, and that Tonpa Shenrab may have taught siddartha the ways of liberation.

Part 3 in a video series, this will cover the first step along the path of Dawa Gyaltsen meditation found within the Tibetan teachings found within the Bon religion, I hope this helps others like myself with clearing the mind from anxiety, instead of turning back to substances for relief.

The second part of a video series covering the Dawa Gyaltsen meditation teachings of the Bon religon, I suggest watching the first one, which I have posted :) I hope this helps people in their meditation practices!

Ever since my “spiritual retreat” in Crestone Colorado, and sampling different faiths and practices, I have been drawn to lean more about the Bon tradition of Tibet. Eventually I stumbled across this video series discussing the Dawa Gyaltsen. They have been incredibly helpful in giving easy to understand insight into meditative practices, and I will be uploading them as I work through each of the steps. I hope others will find these useful!

Gender bullshit...

I identify as non-binary, I am two-spirit, if not even Agender. While I personally use they/them pronouns, I usually don’t care to correct people because let’s face it, there is a huge learning curve for the majority of society. Most of my friends fall somewhere on the trans spectrum, mostly on the feminine side, and experience various levels of dysphoria about their bodies. I remember getting lectured by some of them when I accidentally misgendered our classically attractive friend, and many other times with my other friends shortly after they came out, this was even over they/them pronoun usage. Having been openly non-binary since before I met any of them years ago, I never really came out to any of them. This being said it bothers me intensely that I am constantly judged on my use of pronouns when referring to all of them, yet none of them seem to remember or even respect my identity, and default to using he/him with me. I have made it clear time and time again that I don’t identify with either binary gender, and that I do not feel dysphoria over my physical parts, and I cannot help but feel that this is used to de-legitimize my identity. I have often struggled with how I should appear day to day from my past dating experiences, I am either fetishized for my femininity, but as soon as I grow in a goatee, the guys I am talking to ghost me. When I pull my hair back and present masculine, I get guys very interested in me, but as soon as I put my makeup on, they decide to tell me they only want masculine guys. I am caught between two polarities each day, which none of my trans friends seem to understand, because I am not feeling like I need to “transition” like many of them are. I just wish my friends would give me the same respect that they demand out of me...

Honestly being disabled affects so many LGBT+ people.

In my town there is only 1 bar that has wheelchair access and guess what?! It’s not the gay bar!

Gay bars are also not accessible (the vast majority of the time) to those who are sensitive to bright lights and loud sounds. Example; some people with epilepsy, autism, PTSD, Tourettes, social anxiety, ect.

The pride march I went to last year would not be accessible (reasonably) for someone in a wheelchair or let’s be real, anyone who can’t walk for an hour +. 

The local LGBT+ group I meet up at tries to be accessible but often forgets that if a location has to be changed then the same level of access will almost certainly not apply to the new location.

The LGBT+ friendly bookshop I visited while overseas had a tiny door which barely fit my small wheelchair. There was also a step halfway through the store which meant I only got to view half of the books that were aimed at me. 

A lot of LGBT+ resources online are not set out in a way that people with visual or learning disabilities can easily read, or read at all. 

The LGBT+ community as a whole (not just the disabled members)  need to make a conscious effort to include disabled people where-ever and whenever possible. 

We are just as much a part of the community as abled body/minded people. 

This is 100% okay for able body/minded people to reblog too. 

JAI MA! Saraswati, Hindu goddess of the arts.

Last night was the first night I have been to karaoke sober. It felt good being able to help my friends get home safe, and being able to look after them. I was even told that they didn’t know how lovely my voice was, since I am usually too sloshed to find a pitch. I really hope I can keep clean, it seems people like sober me better, and I am starting to as well...

*not my quote

a scan of a journal entry from january that still feels relevant

She is so much more than her addiction and I wish that she could see that

excerpt from my journal august 22nd 2018 (via nicolethedopefiendqueen)

Pride Relapse

This weekend was Pridefest, and I was excited to see my favorite Drag Queens, both Meetball and Tammy Brown were going to be performing. I had drank the night before at the club, only 3 beers, after all my friend said I should try self control, seeing that I made a big deal about quitting drinking, and I did fine. Feeling like I could live a normal life again being able to drink responsibly, I had a few vodka shots the night of the drag show...fast forward to the next day, I find out I was an asshole to my friends and could not even remember any of the performances. For me this highlights how much of my life goes missing when I drink, and why I need to quit, I just wished queer spaces weren’t so substance geared...

OM BEGANDZE BEGANDZE MAHA BEGANDZE RANDZA SUMUNDGATE SOHA! 

Today is night one of me attempting to quit drinking offcially, after many nights spent blackout drunk, making an ass of myself and hurting my friends and family. I post the Medicine Buddha, Bhaisajyaguru, in hopes that he can guide me alond the path to recovery. I hope that this blog can help me, as well as others who struggle with addiction.