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jarjarbinksies · 1 year

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The Siren and the Winter Soldier: Ch. 1

Hi stinkies here's the full chapter hehe

No number of books on grief and even my degrees in the study of the human mind could have ever prepared me for the reality of it-- the sensation of a hollow chest with a crisp, cold wind passing through endlessly, or the moldy, dark well in my stomach spreading disease all over my body. Every day it seemed the hole in my chest or the well in my stomach changed in condition. Some days, I wouldn't feel the cold breeze, with a little bit of sunlight reaching the bottom of the well. Other days, I wasn't so lucky. Still, I managed to force myself to get up most days. I tried to stick to a simple routine; Sundays were for deep cleaning, Tuesdays I must go to the gym even if I could only muster up enough energy for a 10-minute workout, Wednesdays were reserved for support group meetings in the evening and I'd let myself be a mess for the rest of the night, and therapy was on Fridays. The rest of the time I would attempt to fill with cognitively engaging activities like reading or playing chess. I even got into the habit of doing yoga whenever I felt tired and trapped. I knew if I didn't stick to this routine and force myself to have hobbies, if I let myself go, I wouldn't be a person anymore, just like in the first month after everything happened. However, all of this doesn't mean I didn't have days where all I could do is stay in bed, feeling as numb as ever, and endlessly scroll on my phone.

Temporarily settled at a modest apartment not too far outside of New York City, I had a plan to move out and get a job, but that's a problem for another day when my head is no longer consumed with the losses I've experienced. It's always been hard to comprehend how different my life looks now. What didn't I lose?

That day, a Sunday, what I didn't lose was my ability to be disgusted by the "dirty" floors of my apartment and the "pile" of dishes by the sink. At least I still had my germaphobia.

I worked my way through the apartment, taking my time to make a mental note in my head of what needed to be done in each room. Music blasted through my speakers as I cleaned and tidied up, the volume loud enough to ensure my singing was drowned out, not that my voice was above a whisper anyway. When I felt satisfied that my apartment was clean enough, I paused the music and in the silence, my heart sank a little at the sudden silence and the thought of my neighbors possibly hearing me. I had to rationalize my thoughts and convince myself that there was no way they could hear me over the music and everything was alright. I stood absent-mindedly in the middle of my living room with the mop handle in my hands for a few minutes before I took a shower and rewarded myself with TV time. I felt my mind wandering as I tried to focus on the movie in front of me. As the strongest urge to pick up my phone came over me, I finally gave in after about 10 minutes although I knew where this would lead.

I opened the dating app, mindlessly swiping more left than right-- I don't even think I spent more than a minute looking at the profiles. Glassy-eyed, with my attention divided between the TV and my phone, I felt myself getting a headache but I kept on swiping nonetheless. My thumb was getting used to swiping left but I had to stop myself from almost automatically doing so when I saw a profile that caught my eye, or more accurately, completely shocked me.

I jumped in my seat a little as I giggled, "No way," glaring at the familiar face on my screen, my smile couldn't seem to disappear.

Bucky's blue eyes stood out in the picture. Standing in front of a pale yellow wall, Bucky was wearing a black shirt underneath his black leather jacket. He was giving a half-smile which contributed to the gloomy, mysterious look. It didn't seem like he could be bothered to create a genuine profile as this was the only picture uploaded and he didn't write anything to describe himself. He only put in his name and age, claiming to be 28 which made me chuckle. Knowing what he had gone through, I assumed his presence on this app doesn't actually indicate any readiness to actively start dating, but rather a curiosity about current technology, and probably boredom.

I found myself wondering whether he was there for the same reason I was-- meaningless flings with people we hoped we'd never see again. Still, it didn't matter much what he was there for, I swiped right anyway as the opportunity to reconnect with Bucky excited me.

I leaned back on the couch, putting my phone down. Was that a bad idea? I began to ponder whether Bucky would still be anywhere as flirty as when we first met in Wakanda five years ago, although to me it felt as fresh as yesterday. The memory took over my thoughts.

I had stepped off of the Quinjet with half of the Avengers, met by the humid, yet fresh air of Wakanda. I remembered it being particularly warm, which I imagined would've been nice if half my body hadn't been covered in armor. T'Challa, Okoye, and about a dozen other Dora Milaje soldiers greeted us as we walked towards the tall, dark building not so far in front of us, its appearance very distinguished from the surrounding buildings. I trailed along at the very back. T'Challa started talking to the rest of the team, but I don't think I heard a single word. The only thing I recalled being on my mind at that moment was Miles.

A/N: Idk who would think this but just in case: it's not Miles Morales! lol. This is referring to my OC Miles.

Everyone suddenly stopped their walk and it took me a minute to realize it was because a man I hadn't met before had joined us. He and Steve shared a hug, helping me identify who it must have been. He had greeted some of the others in a familiar manner and as he saw me in the back, everybody started walking again. I made no effort to catch up with the rest, keeping my slow, tired pace.

The man jogged towards me, "Hi," he said in a coy tone, "I'm Bucky," the smirk on his face felt contagious to me, with his blue eyes showing an almost mischievous look.

"I know," I smiled back at him, trying to suppress my laughter as I had sensed he was definitely not going to give me the same quick greeting he gave the others. I introduced myself, "Alena Aiden,"

"Alena," His voice lingered on my name, "I don't think Steve ever mentioned you," he sounded surprised, as if it should have been Steve's main priority to have informed Bucky of my existence.

"Yeah, probably didn't have much time for that when you were all busy fighting each other in some German airport,"

Bucky chuckled, "Well, he should've taken a minute to mention he has a friend as beautiful as you,"

I stopped right outside the tall building, throwing my head back in laughter, "Oh god, that's pretty good," I stepped into the entrance with a couple of Dora Milaje soldiers standing on either side of the door, and Bucky followed behind me.

He didn't miss a beat nor did he seem to be remotely embarrassed by me laughing at his face, "It's been a while but I gotta admit, that's probably one of my best ones," Bucky had joked along.

"You know, Steve told me some things about you," I shook my head, "I don't know why I expected anything less,"

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I was proud of myself as I ticked off the only thing I had on my Tuesday to-do list: go to the gym. I felt like I passed with flying colors as I had participated in a Pilates class the gym offered. Sitting down on my couch, I tried to stop my mind from wandering too much and instead focused on thinking about things I could do to pass the time tonight. As if it was a reflex, I picked up my phone and saw a couple of notifications that stood out among some others. Bucky had matched with me and sent me a message. Eager to see his response, I immediately tapped on the notifications.

Bucky had written, "And here I was thinking this day would never come..."

I smiled, looking down at my phone. I began to type, "Yeah I'm just here looking for my perfect, 28-year-old match"

As I waited for his reply, I decided to take a quick shower and change into something comfortable. The first thing I did as I finished drying my hair was to check if I got any texts from Bucky. Again, I smiled as I saw his name on my screen.

"Unfortunately they don't make dating apps for people 100 and above, so I had to make do. Hope this isn't a deal breaker."

I felt my smile turn into a huge grin, hesitating as I typed out my message, "Nope. Do you wanna come over tonight?" I forced myself to press send and threw my phone on my bed, in disbelief at myself for saying something like that to Bucky. I felt immediate regret as my chest tightened. I thought to myself I really, really shouldn't have done that.

Then I realized, why not? It's not like I would ever work with him again. On top of that, we didn't have a friendship to ruin or a group dynamic to damage. Maybe if Steve was around and we all kept in touch it would've been a different case, but he wasn't. Maybe this is safe to do.

It didn't take more than a minute for my phone to vibrate. I sat on the bed, reaching for it. I opened Bucky's text which said, "Sure, what time?"

Fuck.

We texted back and forth a few more times, I told him to come over at nine and gave him my address. Bucky confirmed that the plan worked for him and the chat ended there. I had almost two hours before he was supposed to arrive, so I took my time putting on light make-up and a more spruced-up, but still casual, outfit. I quickly tidied up my apartment and dimmed the lights, feeling promiscuous as I tidied my bedroom as well. Not that I thought there was anything wrong with me being promiscuous, but I just never felt this way with strangers I invited over before. The thought of Bucky being in my bedroom felt a little wrong. Then I started to think, does he know what I meant by asking him to come over? Surely, someone as flirty as Bucky would know. However, I wasn't sure if growing up in the early 1900s would mean Bucky would never assume coming over to someone's place means a one-night stand. Was that even a thing back then? I swatted these thoughts away. Bucky is not dumb, he would know. If he doesn't, I'd just have to prepare myself for the most awkward conversation you could ever have with your ex-colleague.

As it got close to nine, I waited in the living room, the TV playing one of my favorite comedy shows to calm my nerves. I took a long sip from the glass of wine in my hand and fixed my focus on the show. I kept checking my phone every few minutes, and right at nine o'clock on the dot, I heard the door knock. I took a deep breath, paused the show, and chugged the rest of the wine before I got up and walked to the front door.

I opened the door to see Bucky standing behind it, holding a bottle of red and a bouquet of brightly colored flowers. He was, of course, dressed in all black, including black gloves, despite the weather being a tad too warm for that. In the past few months since I'd last seen him at Tony's funeral, he didn't change his appearance much except for his hair which had been cut short. He also seemed more jaded and tired, understandably. That, however, did not detract from how good he looked.

Bucky looked at me with that same, coy smile he had on when we first met, and yet again, I found myself smiling along with him. "Wow, it's been a while, you look even better than I imagined," He said.

I chuckled, "And you imagine it often?"

"Trust me, Alena, I imagine it all the time,"

I would be lying if I said I didn't get a funny feeling in my stomach. I stepped away from the entrance to let him in. The entrance immediately leads to my kitchen, and Bucky put the wine and bouquet down on the counter.

"Bucky," I hesitantly started and paused for a moment as I tried to find my footing again, "I think the wine and flowers is a really sweet gesture but I just wanna make sure you know what I meant by asking you to come here,"

Bucky let out a small laugh, "Relax, Aiden, it's just wine and flowers, I just didn't want to show up to your door empty-handed," he continued, "I'm not trying to propose to you or anything. Not unless you want me to, of course," Bucky leaned on my kitchen counter, looking satisfied with his quick-witted response.

I rolled my eyes but I couldn't help but laugh too, "Really funny," I said sarcastically, "You're a very confident person to joke about a proposal two minutes into walking to a hookup,"

He retorted back, "And you're a very confident person to assume this will be nothing but a hookup,"

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