the-drug-addicts-diary
Way Out.
32 ~ she/her ~ drug addiction ~ bipolar disorder ~ bpd ~ recovery related stuff ~ clean & sober since 1/2022 ~ writing since 2018 ~ asks open
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Ever since I've learned how to stand up for myself, how to say 'no' and how to not be a people pleaser, I started noticing, how often it's actually needed. It's mostly small things. Daily stuff. But still.
I realized how many times in the past I literally betrayed myself without even noticing, just because I had no self respect. Just because the way other people perceived me was determining how I perceived myself, which was clearly wrong.
Every time I say 'no', I'm honoring myself.
Every time I say 'I don't like it when you do this' I feel loyal to myself.
Every time I set a boundary, I'm raising my value.
For me, as a person with borderline personality disorder, this is something huge. And because I didn't know how to do it before, now I'm noticing I do it quite often. It's getting easier and easier.
I genuinely believe that the way for a person to thrive, starts with knowing their worth.
#bpd#borderline personality disorder#healing#self improvement#borderline thoughts#therapy#boundaries#recovery
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It's a tough journey hon. I think you're doing great. I'm proud of you.
Thank you <3
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A month ago, I celebrated 2 years of sobriety. I wanted to write something down, but I didn't.
It was not until now that I stopped and reflected on what the life I live now means to me. What recovery means to me. Not just from addiction. Not just from borderline personality disorder. But from everything that has ever happened to me.
I wrote it down. To be thankful.
It's a dream I keep choosing to make true.
It's a love I choose to feel for every part of myself I used to hate.
It's letting myself feel the things that brought me to my knees without begging myself for forgiveness.
It's a sunny day in a middle of a rainy month.
It's looking into a mirror before I walk out of door, stopping, and smiling at a person I know I recognize. Person I used to think I'll never see again.
It's the 'no' I say to others to stand up for my needs, and it's the 'yes' I say to myself everytime I wonder if to choose being good.
It's a gift to recieve and to give, to make my younger self feel seen.
It's going to sleep at night, knowing tomorrow I'll still be me.
It's feeling down and allowing myself to rest.
It's a decision to cherish every part of my life.
It's not being afraid of myself, knowing I'd never hurt someone I love again.
It's accepting my flaws and loving myself despite of them.
It's knowing taking care of myself first is not selfishness, but selflessness.
It's letting my inner child to lead me through darker times, and protecting it from any harm until it lead us both to safety.
It's a light, shining through space and time, a spark that never went out, even in my darkest times.
It's understanding I carry a flame inside my soul, that's able to burn me, but also to keep me warm.
It's looking at my past with acceptance, with a smile.
It's to live in a cruel world and still choosing to be kind.
It's opening my heart without a fear of being hurt, to everyone I want to love.
It's being hurt and opening my heart to the pain, knowing the love in me will never die.
It's a life I know I deserve.
It's a balance between light and dark.
It's not regretting the way I spend my time.
It's trusting the path I choose to walk.
It's being thankful for how lucky I am for being on this world.
It's not comparing myself to others in the way I live my life.
It's knowing the work on myself will never be fully done.
It's a life I choose to live.
It's who I want to be.
And yet, it's still just me.
#borderline personality disorder#recovery#addiction#self love#healing#drug addiction recovery#addiction recovery#bpd#sobriety#sober life#self improvement
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Thank you to everyone who got me to 10000 likes!
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hello! I apologize if I'm bothering you, you don't have to answer me but I'm looking for opinions on lithium and I saw your post about it having helped you and I'm really scared of starting it. my current treatment doesn't seem to work anymore so my psychiatrist prescribed me lithium but I haven't started yet.
if it's not too indiscreet, may I enquire about the side effects it caused you, if there were any?
(sorry for my bad English, I'm not a native speaker and I struggle sometimes)
Hi,
For me, lithium saved my life. Luckily i don't have any major side effects, i was afraid i would gain weight, but i actually managed to get back from being overweight, because it took away depression and tension that used to cause me stress eating. At the beginning of the treatment (first weeks) i had migraines, but that went away. Make sure you drink plenty of water, if you don't, it can cause lithium toxicity, which can be dangerous. Make sure to go and check your lithium levels, at first i was going there once in a month, then once every three months, and now once every six months. Once the levels are stable, there's nothing to be afraid of, just really, really make sure you don't get dehydrated. The first signs of possible toxicity can be a headache and nausea.
You can read and hear terrible things about lithium, and i know some people have ugly side effects, so i understand your worries, it was my case as well. But mostly, it just saves lives.
Take care and i hope it will work for you just as it's working for me.
(I'm not a native speaker either. 😁)
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You become mature once you start choosing what you know is right for your future, instead of what you feel like you want at the moment.
#borderline personality disorder#bpd thoughts#bpd#borderline#therapy#self growth#self improvement#mental health#addiction#recovery
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What makes me really proud about myself, is that in 19 months of living a sober life, there wasn't a single moment when i would get so arrogant i would think: "i will never use it again" or "this whole addiction thing is behind me".
The best thing i learned from 10+ years sober guys at meetings was that every day is a gift, and i can't take it for granted. This attitude is definitely one of many things, that keeps me sober, even though i no longer attend meetings, because i chose to invest more time in therapy.
Arrogance is a road to my personal hell. It always has been, and it always will be.
Day 582
#addiction#drugs#drug addiction#recovery#sobriety#addictions#drug addict#addiction recovery#drug addiction recovery#sober life
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I wish i could get off my meds.
My mind beats to the same rhythm as my heart. It says: do-it, do-it, do-it. For a glimpse of a moment i saw what it feels like to become one with my art.
I'm not really good at it, but still, at some point, me and the canvas became two halves of a single being, and i knew i could be really good at it. It was incredible. I experienced it with writing many times before, but not with anything else.
I desire to create paintings that don't make any sense. I wish i could dedicate my life to it, to get better at it, i want to give myself away in colours and words because this way, i can become infinite.
I want that kind of orgasmic creativity that will make me lose control.
Now when I know what it's like to be out there, what i could achieve, i don't want to get back to my restrains. I didn't even stop using meds, and i can just imagine what it would look like if i did. What kind of art i would be able to make.
My doctor calls it destabilized, i call it awake.
It kinda makes me wonder what my creativity is made of, if it can be completely killed with some additional anipsychotics. Just a symptom? Maybe.
This is the only life i will get. Am i wasting my true potential by ignoring my call? By choosing the stable life? I have no idea, but getting off my meds is just a wishful thinking. Maybe in another world, i will decide to do it. But for the sake of me and everyone around me, it won't be this one.
I'm just not sure which one is worse. The madness? Or its loss?
#bipolar disorder#bipolar mania#bipolar#bipolar thoughts#mania#manic episode#manic depression#painting#mental health#creativity
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These past few months has been pretty rough and drugs were like the last thing i was thinking about, but every time i thought "well fuck", i knew that i still got two perfectly stable things in my life:
My relationship, and my sobriety.
It makes a huge difference in my life, and for both, i am eternally grateful.
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Yesterday, we had a group therapy session.
I told the doctor that after the last time i got manic, i'm really struggling to accept that i have bipolar disorder. I told her i am unable to make peace with it.
Her reaction was priceless.
She said: "i will now cast this spell: abracadabra. You just made peace with it. What changed?"
It took me just a second to understand.
And i said: "Nothing."
It made me laugh because it was so obvious and i just couldn't see it this whole time. I felt incredible relief, because I really can't change it. Nothing can change it.
Accepting it won't change it either. All i can do about it is to take my focus out of things i am unable to change.
So yeah. The spell worked. I'm still kinda laughing while writing this.
Sometimes it takes just a few clever words to make you see things from a different perspective.
Sometimes seeing things from a different perspective can give you all the change that you need.
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It breaks my heart to see all of the people that i met online (and many of them irl while i was in active addiction) getting worse and worse, knowing that to this day, i am the only one who made it out.
It breaks my heart to watch them slowly dying, knowing all i can do is to accept that it's not in my powers to help them.
It's impossible to put all of the stuff i learned for myself into their heads. To let them know.
To let them know that they are just lost, not done, let them know they can be saved, they are worth saving, and they are loved.
But I can only love them from distance. I can't go and jump into deep waters of their own despair to save them. It doesn't work that way. It never did.
Sometimes i text them, to check on them.
Some of them text back.
But they are too far and i can't reach them. I know it's not my fault. I can't save them. I can't even help them with anything without their desire to change.
I know all of that.
It just doesn't make it any easier. It's really painful to watch.
#addiction#drugs#drug addiction#recovery#sobriety#drug addict#methamphetamine#meth#heroin#addictions
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If I'll take my bipolar medication, and use it to trigger mania, will it become manication, or...?
(I'll see myself out.)
#bipolar disorder#manic depression#manic episode#mania#bipolar mania#mental health#actually bipolar#mental illness#bipolar#psychiatric medication#bipolar thoughts
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Self love Sunday
Learning to love myself was a game changer for me.
Usually it would take months of feeling like shit, until i would admit that i probably can't do this on my own.
Today I'm doing my best to help myself, and I'm not afraid to use all of the resources i have.
Yesterday i took some antidepressants to prolong my mania, which i really shouldn't do, but it luckily didn't work. So i found time to stop and reflect.
I found some time to ask myself questions, like: what the f are you doing? And why are you even doing it?
I realized it was just me following an old pattern.
With that, I also realized i want to actually get stable, and not just manic.
Despite all odds and really ugly diagnoses like borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder and drug addiction, i finally have surprisingly healthy and good intentions with myself.
I never thought i would ever get to this point. I couldn't even imagine it before, what it would look like, or feel like, to love myself. It was something completely abstract.
Turns out it feels the same as loving other people.
I can't stand to see myself suffer in any way, so I'm doing everything i can to help myself, get better and stay healthy.
Of course this isn't easy while being manic or depressed. Those old, destructive patterns are still there, but now i made a decision to act differently, and that's what healing is about.
Self pity and self compassion are based on a very similar thing, but they have completely different energy. One comes out of hate and criticism, the other one comes from love and understanding.
I know I've been saying this a lot lately, but i am so proud of my journey to become the person i deserve to be.
May it always be the one i choose.
#bipolar disorder#self love#self growth#borderline personality disorder#bpd#bipolar#manic depression#healing#therapy writing#therapy
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100 posts!
(I'm kinda proud of myself rn 🩶)
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My first manic episode
They told me, that despite my bipolar medication, I can still get mood swings. Most likely, I can still get depressed. And i did during winter. Nothing severe, it was just seasonal stuff. So I am always kinda ready for depression, but I wasn't ready for mania. I thought it couldn't happen to me.
And I was wrong.
My medication works perfectly and I'm very responsible when it comes to it. I got into full remission for a long time, so i really didn't see it coming. My lithium levels most likely dropped a bit, which should be fine. We'll just wait for the results to come and increase the dose. I'm not afraid much about that part.
But there were signs. Many weeks before that. Signs i didn't pay attention to, because it didn't occur to me that this could happen. I never heard of the prodromal phase of mania before. For example, depression is one of many possible symptoms, i mean, what the f...?
In 12 years of being treated as a bipolar patient (and 7 of being diagnosed) i never even got manic before. I had mixed episodes or depressions.
I had a couple of cases of hypomania as well, but it was so rare and mostly harmless, that i never really cared.
Most of it happened during active addiction and it pretty much made me believe that since I'm clean and medicated, it won't happen again.
Hypomania was laughter and higher self esteem.
It was buying stuff i didn't need. It was high heels and a minidress, and drinking with strangers. It was bright and pure. It was creativity and stupid impulses, with more or less severe consequences. It was fun.
But mania was a killer.
My heart was so full, that if i'd get any happier, I'd explode into millions of pieces of joy and rage. It was gaining more and more energy from any attempt to get rid of it. Mania was not being able to think or speak coherently, because every single thought shattered into thousands of others. Mania was "I'm not bipolar" thinking.
It was two weeks of my life i have almost no memories of.
It can still be a part of a mixed episode, but i'm starting to doubt that.
Thankfully, I didn't do anything I would have to regret. I learned to love myself so it would probably take much more to make me do anything, that could harm me in any way. Mostly, I was just making videos as a "project" for youtube (which was, luckily, forbidden by my wife) where i was trying to describe how i felt, and got frustrated every time, because i couldn't speak.
It makes it easier to remember, but really hard to watch.
But i finally understood how nasty this disease is. A part of me always thought that I am "faking it". I had these thoughts during the episode, and I kinda have them now, while not even sure if the episode is truly over, or if it's just a temporary effect of the antipsychotic pill i took 2 days ago. Anyway I tried to really fake it yesterday, just so I'd know, and it's not physically nor mentally possible.
Which means, it was real.
Those signs i talked about earlier, they are still here. I don't need much sleep. I'm forgetting to eat, but still have lots of energy to keep me going. My thinking is different. My cognitive functions are one big mess. I can't focus, I'm easily distracted. My memory sucks. But it's still much, much better than it was a couple of days ago.
It wasn't fun. It was horrible and i wanted it to end, while being eternally grateful that i get to experience it. It was inability to hold a thought long enough to share it out loud. It was a shadow, appearing in the corner of my eye, but disappearing before i could take a good look at it. It was being frozen in one moment, just a second before my reality was about to collapse. It was creepy... and it was loved.
There are so many words i could use for describing what it was like. I could precisely describe it in many ways. But I can't say how i feel about it right now.
There are no words for that.
(Update: yeah, i was definitely manic while writing that, but I'm still gonna keep it here.)
#bipolar disorder#bipolar mania#manic episode#mania#bipolar#bipolar thoughts#mental health#manic depression
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Everything good has its price, doesn't it?
I can understand people easily, and i'm able to connect with them deeply, but I'm unable to feel confident in my relationships with them. My fear of losing others comes from the same depth, as my love for them.
My creativity comes from a place of distortion, from madness, from highs and lows.
My writing was born out of my own pain, because that's what inspires me the most.
My ability to self-reflect is a gift, that came along with suffering which stripped me of everything that made me "me", until my true self was all that i had left. I paid for it with time, that i should never give away.
If I could make all of it disappear, i wouldn't. I'm proud of who i've become, despite my diagnoses.
I'm just saying, that everything. has. its. price.
Everything.
#bipolar disorder#bipolar#borderline personality disorder#bpd#drug addiction#addiction#mental health#mental illness#actually bipolar#actually borderline#addictions
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Possibly the most bizarre thing i learned in sobriety was that the feeling i always interpreted as really intense, long term, unbearable cravings during active addiction, was in fact just anxiety.
I was so confused about myself and my own feelings, that i never really noticed. I just blindly solved any kind of discomfort with methamphetamine, which pretty much sums up what an addiction is.
#addiction#drugs#methamphetamine#drug addiction#recovery#sobriety#anxiety#drug addict#meth#mental health
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