#~Know that if I live; I will come back again. And if I die; We will go on thinking of each other. [Zhongli & Fu Hua]
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SMOKE SIGNALS ─ BAROU SHOUEI
𝓼𝔂𝓷𝓸𝓹𝓼𝓲𝓼: Barou seems to have enough of your godawful dating life. What he doesn’t know is that you’ve reached your breaking point, too.
˚ʚ♡ɞ˚: explicit content ﾉ 18+ ﾉ fem!afab!reader ﾉ friends to lovers ﾉ idiots in love ﾉ roommates AU ﾉ barou centric ﾉ soft love making bc he's a CLB duh ﾉ narration heavy ﾉ kinda mean to reader but it all means well ﾉ first time/virginity loss ﾉ dry humping ﾉ fingering ﾉ missionary ﾉ no beta we die like men
wc: 8.5k (longest smut fic i've written thus far whew)
a/n: hello friends i am back hehe trying out a new format :3 and also a standalone barou fic because wow i've always paired this guy w nagi sjakhdkajdfh pls give me more hair down barou im begging on my fuckin knees
“Promise me that you won’t get mad,” you peek around the door frame, head poking into Barou’s room.
“The hell did you do this time,” Barou tries to keep his voice casual, red eyes flickering from his computer monitor to your face, then back again. Frankly, he has no idea what you’re possibly referring to, but whenever you’re vague like this, it’s usually not a good thing.
Your brows knit together and you clench the sides of the door. “You gotta promise me, Shouei.”
It has to be something bad, at least in his mind, because you’re trying really hard to look convincing. He can make out the small fidgeting motions by just how hard your knuckles are gripping against the door frame. Barou exhales and pauses, and it’s for a long, rare moment. He’s always the type of guy to say whatever comes to mind, and it’s usually a whole bunch of unfiltered harsh truths and things that others don't want to hear. It’s rare that Barou is actually picking his words carefully and, of course, that catches your attention even more.
“Shouei…”
After a few seconds, Barou manages to narrow the possibilities down to three.
The first answer being the obvious choice: you’re planning to invite a bunch of your friends over for a last minute party. Your friends are loud, messy, and a bit too friendly towards him despite the numerous times he’s yelled at them. Whatever, he’s used to this by now. Afterall, he’s been living with you at this apartment for well over a year now—four years if he counts the amount of times you’ve crashed at his dorm during his time in high school and university.
The second outcome might be directly related to the second half: you’re moving out. Could it be a new job opportunity with better pay? Hell, he’s seen you hunched over and obsessively scrolling through multiple job posting sites these past few months that he’s had a feeling that the day will come sooner or later. But it wouldn’t be something that Barou could see himself getting frustrated over.
Which only leads to the third option: you’ve somehow brought home a stray animal and expect him to be okay with it—
“Okay, dude, you’re seriously starting to freak me out.”
Barou snorts and rolls his eyes. “Can’t promise if I don’t know what it is,” and motions at the empty space by the edge of his bed. “Whatever you brought back home, though, it’s a no. You know I have a cat allergy.”
“I wouldn’t bring an animal home without telling you! Plus, that’s such a lie because you had a cat growing up,” you flush brightly and glower. Needless to say, you end up shuffling past the door frame, into full view, and Barou quickly realizes what you’re referring to, and why you’re acting so agitated.
Breath quickly catches in Barou’s lungs. He averts his gaze, looks back, and clenches his jaw—all in a matter of seconds.
“You’re… dressed up,” he’s pretty sure his face is all contorted, because you’re suddenly acting meek again.
“Don’t give me that look,” your hands fly up and do a poor job covering your chest and exposed thighs.
A form fitting dress is the last thing he’d ever imagined you in, then again, you were never the type to actively show off your feminine outfits in front of him—lounging around in nothing but sweats and an oversized tee is a sight he’s more used to—until now.
“I don’t normally see you wearing stuff like this,” he tries to make the words casual and dismissive, though he’s very aware that he’s just admitted that he pays close attention to you. And, for whatever reason, he has the burning urge to tear himself away, before the tiny voice in his head starts taunting him to go even lower. “Why are you even showing me?”
“Y’know, I had an explanation to give you, but now you sound borderline pissed,” you begin to tip toe back behind the door frame, slowly.
“I always sound borderline pissed,” Barou adds. He’s paused his task at the desk, computer monitor on mute, and the room is exceptionally quiet, except for the low, hesitant creaks from the floor panels. After another moment of studying your face, he exhales and shakes his head. “Let me guess… a date?”
“Oh,” you look momentarily surprised, or maybe that’s just his imagination. You revert back almost immediately though. “How’d you figure it out so quickly?”
If it weren’t for those damn career boosting sites, the second most used apps would be those stupid dating ones.
Both of your parents work all the time, business partners even, so it’s been mainly the two of you left to your own devices at a young age. Barou didn’t have many friends growing up, outside of you and his sisters, if he can even count them.
You’re generally introverted by nature, but somehow you seem to attract people who seem to lack common boundaries and have a strange affinity to soccer. Of course, that includes him, your friends, and all the dates you try and bring back—Barou never lets them go past the shoe rack and, thankfully, your dates always seemed too afraid to object.
Your parents think that it’s a blessing of some sort. That he’s your personal guardian or a shitty guard dog to keep out unwanted men. Something about keeping you safe, another comment about being a good future son-in-law. Conversations with your relatives always tend to steer from topics of career goals, the amount of savings you have, to relationship status, and—ultimately—hey, Shouei’s available, right? Of course, you two don’t have that type of relationship.
Barou is observant, despite what others might think. Observant enough to know that you get uncomfortable when the idea of the two of you being together comes up. You tend to go quiet, then flustered, all before storming off to your own room. Maybe that’s why you spend all your energy into those dating apps—a weird rebellion phase of sorts.
He wants to chastise you, hoping it’ll lead towards you finding another pastime that consists of less unimpressive dicks. Perhaps picking up more books would be well suited for you. Though, upon recent apartment cleanings, he’s stumbled upon plenty of your obscured romance novels. The type of novels that the covers consist of half naked men in cowboy attire with the classic damsel in distress in his arms—Barou doesn’t understand why anyone reads that stuff—piled up all on the living room coffee table.
Scolding you is definitely on top of his to-do list right about now, second to decluttering the fridge. Advising that you can’t blindly trust men on these shitty platforms because god knows what they lie about to get a person’s attention. But he has a feeling that you’ll brush him off, spouting an all too familiar speech that you’ve given him plenty of times before about not being a kid. It’s probably a dumb idea, and he knows that.
So, instead, he shrugs and ignores the anxious buzzing tugging at the back of his mind. “An educated guess.”
“Oh, hm,” you go quiet at that and he isn’t entirely sure why that makes him nervous. “Do I look weird?”
“What?”
You tilt your head. “You’re staring. Like deep in thought.”
So much for keeping his expression neutral.
“Hmph,” Barou snaps his gaze back to his monitor, observing you from its reflection.
His awareness of your dress comes in levels of recognition. First is material: even from the distance he’s sitting, he can tell with a quick eye that it’s from some sort of designer brand. The silk fabric clings to your figure as if it was made for you, worshiping every curve and kissing your features perfectly. Second is how you chose to style it: the adjustments made to your chest is purposeful, making your cleavage the centerpiece while your neckline draws attention to it. Third is his own reaction to it: his mind races to the thought of how unfair everything suddenly feels.
“It’s nothing. It’s just—it’s different from the usual, that’s all.” An awkward beat and, “You don’t look weird.”
You lean back on your heels, body now coming back into view, and there’s a small grin. Looking closer, he sees that you’ve got your makeup and nails done, too.
“What? You’re coming at me for relationship advice now?” Barou asks, after a moment. “I’ve got nothing to say.”
“Your big mouth always has something to say,” you look at him with quirked brows.
He sighs airily. “Who cares, it’s not like you’ll listen,” then rolls his eyes. It’s a bit of an exaggeration, of course, but you’re quite literally one of the most stubborn people he’s ever come across.
Barou’s familiar with your on and off dating sprees before, and in the beginning he did loosely hand out some advice—even though most of the information came from all those dumb teen magazines he found in his sisters’ rooms. It’s almost like a damn script by how it plays out: obsess over a mediocre guy, go on a date or two, and be extremely disappointed when they don’t live up to your expectations.
It’s been about three months since your last date, and Barou doesn’t understand how this one might end up any different.
As if you’ve read his mind, you begin to explain, “We’ve been texting for a few days now. He seems super nice over video call, likes to cook, has a stable job—”
“Hate to break it to you, but that’s the bare minimum.”
“Shouei,” you grumble, “be nice.”
He feels his eyes narrow, lips pressing thin. “You planning to bring him back or something?” Barou can’t seem to mask the edge in his voice.
“If everything goes well, then yeah,” you look relatively proud of yourself. “Which is why I’m asking you to not scare him away—you’re capable of doing that, right?”
“It’s not gonna happen regardless,” the words roll out almost too naturally for both of your comfort, “something always goes wrong, anyways.”
Your lips press thin, weight shifting subtly between your feet. “Don’t be such a dick. I’m bringing a guy back this time.”
Barou doesn’t know what to say. What the fuck can he say? All he knows is that this is making him feel more annoyed than usual. You’ve got to be aware of that, right?
You two have fought before, of course. Nothing ever goes well when it deals with two stubborn individuals. Thankfully, none of the arguments have never escalated past mild inconveniences. Barou can’t seem to remember when’s the last time you’ve actually gotten angry, though. He imagines it being similar to his mom, or sisters, and it’s terrifying because you’re giving him that look—one where you’re a comment away from swatting everything off his desk.
His brows draw together for a moment, eyes squinting, before regaining his ground. He bites back his tongue. “Do what you want.”
“So, I take it that you’re not…?”
Barou scoffs, drumming his fingers against the desk. “Why would I be mad? I’m not in charge of you.”
It’s over a late dinner when Barou finally checks his messages. He sees a few notifications under your name, and he pauses. He doesn’t know why he’s hesitating, there’s a strange churning feeling in his stomach and suddenly he’s lost his appetite. Barou flips his phone down at the table before discarding his utensils, and the look Isagi gives him is a weird one.
“Everything alright there?”
“I’m not mad.”
Across from him, Isagi leans against the kitchen counter and laughs. “Didn’t say you were,” he picks at his dinner plate with a tilted head. “So, erm, why did you call me over here again? Something about a problem…? You still haven’t gotten to that part.”
“Everything’s fine. I’m fine. Not a damn problem around in this shithole. Fucking perfect around here,” he’s suddenly hot with anger.
Isagi replies to this with a vague handwave. “If I had to guess, someone’s out on a date, again, and you haven’t done much about it.”
Barou shoots him a scathing glare. Thinks of denying for a moment. Doesn’t. “Why bother asking if you already knew?”
Like him, Isagi is oddly extremely aware of everything and everyone. On and off the playing field. Which probably explains why he’s both the coach and fan favorite of the bunch. And more of a reason why Barou is stuck third in line for most sponsorships, right behind Itoshi Rin. Well, whatever, he was never a people’s pleaser to begin with. Though, it is nice having him around to vent to—if you count offering to cook dinner in tense silence while going over sporting logistics—because Isagi Yoichi doesn’t judge. Unless your name is Kaiser, then that’s a whole different story.
A shrug. “Wanted to hear it from you, though that might’ve taken all night.” It’s not a tease.
No matter how rough and rugged Barou looks, he can’t wipe the knowing smile off of Isagi’s features.
“So,” Isagi continues, “how long before you miss out on your chance? A few months? Days? Right now?”
He lowers the volume on the TV and shoves another bite in. “Most likely never. If anything goes down south, that’ll be on me.”
“You’re thinking about this carefully,” Isagi observes, earning him another annoyed look. “It’s a good thing—you’re usually, uh, headstrong and tenacious most of the time.” It’s kinda a compliment, Barou thinks.
“We live together,” he emphasizes, “that’s different.”
“For how long, though? At this point it feels like you’re doing this to yourself.” The corners of Isagi’s lip raise, just a little. “Have you tried seeing if she likes you back?”
Barou scowls and absently fiddles with his hair, still a bit damp from the shower earlier. “What’s with that question? If I knew then I wouldn’t be inviting you over here, dumbass.”
A beat or two. He stares at the wall for a moment and cracks.
“If she liked me back then I doubt she’d be out right now with some random guy,” Barou hates how whiny his voice sounds. He’s not the type to openly complain, especially not with his feelings like this. With Isagi, however, it seems like he brings that side out of everyone. What a weirdo.
The younger male simply smiles. “Maybe look into her dating history, you might be able to figure out some patterns.”
“Like I’m some sort of masochist.”
“Well, you’re currently spending your Saturday evening watching football highlights with me, and I think that’s telling by itself.”
Barou doesn’t take the bait, doesn’t bother to say anything to that. He just shoves a spoonful of rice in his mouth and half-distractedly finishes watching a previous games’ highlight on the TV. A quarter way through, and he feels himself starting to drift off.
Isagi’s phone buzzes in his pocket, and that’s a surprising relief to Barou. The younger male lets out a small noise, sets his empty plate in the sink, letting water and soap soak it up for a bit, and fishes his phone out. A few seconds and he starts making his way towards the door, gym bag in hand.
“Rin’s asking to see me for something,” he mindlessly explains while slipping on his shoes. “Guess I’m gonna have to pass on keeping you company tonight, bud.” Isagi says this with a bit of playfulness, but he shoots him a look of sympathy when his hand reaches the knob.
It makes Barou flinch, badly. “Go home, dumbass.”
Once Isagi leaves the premises, he goes back to his own devices. Watching sporting highlights soon went stale, so he opted to watch a drama that you’ve been raving about a while back.
It has an interesting start. The main lead somehow paraglides her way into a foreign country and the tall, handsome, and stoic—your words, not his—military officer has to take care of her.
He remembers, when you first discovered the drama, the main actor was all you could talk about. Sure, he’s your typical standard silent, tough guy trope, but you were especially smitten over him.
“The way he looks after her, the yearning and the need, it’s just—” you would wave your body back and forth, at a loss for words.
The ending credits snaps him out of the small lull and, out of curiosity, Barou browses through his social apps and thumbs your handle into the search bar. You guys are mutual friends, so this shouldn’t feel weird. Though, if he’s being honest with himself, he really, really doesn’t care much for what other people do in their spare time. Looking at his own account, there’s only two posts and both of them are cringey gym mirror selfies from several years ago.
So Barou doesn’t really know what to expect when he looks through your recent story highlights.
There’s a picture of a fancy looking latte with an equally fancy looking cheese foam design on top. The guy’s out of the frame, but he can make out an arm with a decked out watch in the corner. Another picture and this time it features a set of flaky chocolate pastries on a square plate with red sauce paired on the side. The third picture makes Barou pause, because it’s a selfie of you and some guy. From appearance alone, the guy is conventionally attractive, but he also has an extremely punchable face. White collared button up shirt, except for the plain fact that it’s wild open and his damn chest hairs are poking out. He’s got his hands around your waist, his stubbled chin pressed extremely close to yours, looking into the camera as if you belonged to him.
He feels his head throbbing, almost full of cotton, and he shuts his phone off, tossing it onto the far end of the couch. Barou doesn’t bother to clean the dishes, at least not yet. He sets his dirty plate aside, letting it soak in the sink alongside with the other bowls. It’s not until after another hot, long shower that Barou starts stress cleaning the apartment.
And, yeah, vacuuming the living room and running the loud dishwasher at nearly midnight is pretty outrageous and, frankly, dramatic—even for someone like him. By the time he’s done destressing, the air wafts with lemon essential oils and a hint of antiseptic scent. Eventually, after everything, he crawls under the blankets and lies still for a long time before the hint of sleep catches up.
It’s one in the morning when he hears you coming home; heels wobbling against the wooden panels, faint mumbling with a drawl, and sounds of keys hitting the small trinket bowl by the front door. He thinks maybe he should go see you, but stops himself halfway. Barou doesn’t know what he’ll do, how he’ll react, if you come back with smeared lipstick stains on your face, or if you smell like musk— like some stupid, rich casanova’s cologne.
Barou’s just about to pull the covers back over his head when a noise from the living room jolts him wide awake. A loud clatter, body hitting a surface, and he snaps his attention away. And, luckily for him, you just smelled like straight alcohol.
“I should’ve never gone out, I should’ve just…” A beat, followed by a series of painful groans.
You’re definitely tipsy from whatever drink that’s in your system. From what Barou can tell, it was strong.
“Did you take anything else?” It’s a rhetorical question but he keeps his voice quiet, low, and observes you from the couch.
You’re half slumped over, limbs hanging all over the place and your trench coat is doing an awful job at covering up your promiscuous dress. Tired exhaustion plagues all over. Barou quickly covers you with a spare throw blanket on the side.
He tries to get you off the couch, as carefully as he can, and you nearly jump out of your skin from the proximity. Your eyes are glazed, mouth slightly dry and slack, and some of your makeup has smudged—whether it’s from the date or the excessive tossing and turning, Barou doesn’t really want to know. What he does know is that you’re close, now actively leaning into his touch, and your eyes meet, and he’s yet again faced with that strange fire rushing through him.
He swears under his breath, lifting you into his arms.
There’s a million things he wants to say, majority of them being half-ass insults and I told you so, but none of that seems appropriate. His face is only inches away from yours. Barou quickly realizes that his mouth has gone dry and his tongue feels heavy. His recent reactions towards you have been… confusing, to say the least.
You stir, hand shooting up to hold your head. “Is he gone?”
“Your shitty date?”
“Mhm,” your head droops to the side. “That asshole…”
He scoffs, and makes a mental note to personally beat up the guy who left you while you’re like this. “He’s not here.”
“Fuck, thank god,” your eyes hover on his neck. It catches him off-guard. You swallow, and a strange expression flicks across your face, a bit unreadable and different from your usual wasted self. “You were right, sorry.”
For a moment, he thinks he’s in a dream; that he’s still in university, still checking up on you in-between his classes and labs—out of courtesy from your family, and being on the receiving end whenever you get your hopes up.
He shuts his eyes and opens them.
“Let’s get you to bed.”
Barou hears every heavy thump that his heart makes as he carries you to your room. His eyes keep shifting all over your body, whether he means to or not. Most of it is out of concern, your face looks terribly dazed and you’re warm all over, even if you keep insisting that it was just one drink. You’ve never been a heavy drinker, no matter how many times you tried to train your lack of alcohol tolerance. He wonders if he should let you sleep in what you’re currently wearing but, after quick consideration, you’d probably feel extremely uncomfortable the next day.
You press into the warmth of his shoulder, against his neck, then exhale. “I’m a pretty shitty friend, aren’t I?”
“What?” Barou’s eyes flick down the hall, then back to you.
“Ugh,” you make a face. “You know what I mean. How I’m always so tunnel vision when it comes to shit like this…”
“Then just stop,” he feels his face tightening ever so slightly, the unfiltered words unclogging. “Everytime this happens. Why bother going through with it?”
“You wouldn’t understand.” You laugh a little, and it’s half bitterness, half joy—something a little broken and somehow Barou immediately understands.
He watches, almost morbidly, the way your eyes subtly linger on parts of his body for a moment, before sighing. A hesitant, unspoken conversation stuck in your throat, and all at once, Barou wants to scream.
But he doesn’t.
He feels flames crawling up the back of his neck when you snuggle closer into his arms. Thankfully, before he can further combust, he’s pushing his way into your dimmed bedroom.
Barou takes a careful glance around in the dark, noting the familiar scent of you, the numerous prints that hang from the eggshell colored walls, and the small pile of clothes on your desk chair. He’s only been in your room once before, but that was just to help you settle in, so he’s never really paid attention to your surroundings. Now, though, as he lays you on top of the mattress, he notices everything in this room just screams who you are, and he realizes that maybe he should’ve said his piece earlier to avoid all of this together.
The idea fizzles out when Barou feels you tugging loosely on his wrist before letting it fall against the mattress.
“Shouei,” you call out, reaching for his hand again.
He absolutely hates the way he instantly stops and holds you, cherishing the warmth of your skin. Your fingers shakily curl around his, and Barou can’t help but squeeze back. His heart is thundering against his chest, and he’s making it painfully obvious that his breathing is erratic.
After a moment, he clears his throat. “What are you doing?”
His blood has rushed so high to his head that it’s the only thing he can hear, clogging up in his veins and leaving him feeling like he has to cling onto you for dear life. Barou isn’t quite sure what’s happening here, still disbelieving at the way you’re batting your eyes at him, eyes brimming with tears and lips puckered.
“Stay with me, please,” you mumble.
Barou lets out an airy breath, and hears himself saying your name. He’s so confused by all the fucking emotions hitting him right now, and it doesn’t help the fact that his voice gets so soft and tender when he calls out for you. His hand twitches against yours.
This isn’t fair, this isn’t fair, this isn’t—
“You’re drunk,” he finally manages to respond.
His crimson eyes trace your face in the dark, and makes out the shine of wetness on your lips when they part. You lift your eyes, and they instantly hook him in. He resists the urge to lean forward. And, just as instantly, he wants to kneel down, close his eyes, and exist anywhere but this moment.
“I’m not,” you continue and tug him closer, forcing him to sit on the mattress. Your words come out more as hot breath. He definitely smells it but, if he’s being honest with himself, you’re usually not this desperate.
Needless to say, it’s still a concerning fact. “You’re not yourself.”
You squeeze harder, brows furrowed. “I know what I’m doing and what I want.”
Barou tears away from your mouth and glances back into your eyes, studying them closely. You’re still clamped onto his hand, and he knows you’re burning on edge, too. Undoubtedly, he’s half-mast in his pants, and he’s very aware of that, as you slowly rise up, eyeing him with an expression that can only be described as hunger.
“We’ll talk in the morning, idiot.”
“What’s your deal?”
I should be the one asking that.
Barou stares at you for a long moment, The silence is heavy, suffocating. The bed shifts, and in that second, that quiet desperate hope, becomes even more evident. His grip tightens, just a little, and there’s that building headache pulsing through his temple. He really shouldn’t be here, entertaining whatever this is. What he should be doing is sleeping, it’s midnight and, fuck, he has to go to practice tomorrow, but you…
“Are you even listening to me?”
“I am,” his voice is rough when he answers, words dripping with heavy caution. “Even if you aren’t wasted, you’re acting like a real piece of work, right now. None of this shit is funny.”
“I’m not trying to be—I’m being serious,” you reply, but your lips are trembling.
Barou’s stomach lurches and he swallows back a groan, not the pleasure kind. “What do you want me to do?”
Suddenly, you shift restlessly, as if taken aback. “Stay by my side.”
“I know that,” he breathes in, and out. “I asked if there’s anything you want me to do?”
The moonlight creeps past your curtains and coats you in various shades of silver. It’s then, Barou realizes, that he's afraid of what your answer might be. He’s taken care of you hundreds of times before, it’s become second nature for him to look after you, but now this feels foreign—almost daunting when you’re looking just as scared.
But, scared as you are, you lean forward, steadying your palms onto his broad shoulders. It burns his skin at contact, but he steels himself, watching your lips part slowly. Focusing—absolutely fucking focusing—on the way that they move and the damn syllables that come right after.
He feels like dying when the words finally register.
“Kiss me.”
Barou stills, pressing a palm against the mattress and clenches his jaw, running his tongue hard against his teeth. He opens his mouth to reply—and immediately snaps it shut. It’s when you make a small dip in the bed that he recovers, gears running over a hundred miles an hour in his mind. “You want that?”
“Don’t make me repeat it,” your eyes wander all over his face and the intensity almost burns his skin. “It’s embarrassing enough that I’m doing it like this…”
Barou stares in awe. His throat feels tight and his chest clenches uncomfortably. “Doing what?”
A frown erupts on your face and you’re visibly frustrated, more flustered. “Why are you choosing tonight to be a dense prick? Do you need me to spell it out for you? I’m confessing to you. I like you—god, this is so fucking stupid—I’ve liked you since grade school, throughout college, and now! The dates, the guys, none of them work out because they’re not you. Do you know how many times a guy is saying some shit and I’m sitting there thinking ‘Shouei wouldn’t say that’ or when I’m trying to find a guy that looks kinda like you, and even that’s fucking impossible—that’s how much you’re on my mind!”
Your confession—honesty—hangs in the air and Barou nearly chokes on it. You make a low, undignified sound, and press your back against the headboard, looking absolutely anywhere but him. Barou, on the other hand, hears nothing but pounding in his eardrums. He’s not sure if that’s his heartbeat, or yours. There’s a feeling of tight strings tugging at his chest again, a painful ache being left behind. After a moment, the bed creaks.
“Okay,” he breathes, and swallows around that awful lump in his throat.
“Okay?” your voice cracks embarrassingly. “I pour out my feelings and all you say is ‘okay’? This is worse than a rejection. Yoichi said the worst thing you could say is ‘no’ and—”
“Wait, that idiot knows about this?”
“That’s what you’re focused on? Ugh, forget it, I’ve said too much already!”
“Stop,” Barou’s face contorts into a heavy scowl, taking slight offense. “God, sometimes you ramble on so much that it’s hard to take everything at face value.”
He hesitantly presses a palm to your cheek and holds it there, watching your sudden stiff reaction. He shudders, slowly, before dusting the palm across your cheek, ears, hair, and settles it against the back of your head. He’s aware of his breathing, shaky and full of nerves. Barou moves closer until he can feel your breath fanning over his lips.
Before he can say anything else, you lean up and press your lips softly against his. They’re surprisingly soft, he realizes. There’s no heat to it, just a plush press of warmth, a little bit of pressure, and you’re silently swearing under your breath when you pull back.
“Oh god, was that dumb? Am I being stupid right now or what?” Your hands fly up, cradling your face. A muffled scream, then a groan. “I’m sorry—I don’t know what I was thinking! You—me, we were—argh!” Your body retracts back, knee pressing up against your chest as you begin to lean away from him, almost in disgust with yourself.
Barou begins to feel a strange surge in his stomach and gnaws the insides of his cheek. The unusual warmth comes back and, this time, it settles between his legs, but there’s more to that. It was a small, soft kiss—barely long enough to be classified as one. He watches you fidget more before snapping.
“Do you know how to fucking relax?” Barou adjusts his grip behind your head, tangles his fingers in your hair, and drags you back in for another.
This time, it’s lasting, a more proper kiss, and he feels you getting lost in it. Your hands fumble their way back onto his body, finding ground on his thighs and leaning forward into the heat. Barou makes sure that his grip in your hair isn’t too tight, but warm and full of affection, and it makes you moan quietly, mouth parting and allowing his tongue to swipe over your lips.
Hardly any words are exchanged while he kisses you, slowly becoming more frenzied, drowning in the wet heat, tongues curling and hands roaming. There’s a steady, painful throbbing eagerness between Barou’s legs, and he’s positive that you can feel it.
It’s overwhelmingly awkward and stupid, how worked up you both are from just a bit of kissing; from taking turns ghosting each other’s jaws and necks, to hands blindly groping and snaking under clothing to get a squeeze at bare skin. You lean up again, lips tracing the contours of his jaw, and shift a hand down, curling your fingers through his sweats and around his length. A light, breathy noise slips out of him and he feels you pulling away, eyes half-lidded, lips swollen from the heavy makeout session.
“I, um, take it that you like me back…?” You ask quietly, tugging Barou out of his trance.
He blinks, feeling the tips of his ears flushing with warmth. “You really know how to ruin the mood, don’t you?”
“I-I just need confirmation, stupid!”
“Maybe,” Barou confesses, his voice wavers just a little as he speaks. His body shifts with you in his arms, palms cupping both sides of your face. When you refuse to meet his eyes, he huffs. “Look at me. I wouldn’t do this to just anyone if I didn’t like them.”
You make a low, unpleasant noise. “So, you’ve done this with others? I don’t want to think about that.”
Barou’s chest tangles over itself again and, for a moment, being with you feels just a little less daunting. His posture stiffens, then goes lax in a quick second. He could honestly ask you the same thing, whether or not some of the men you’ve matched with have showered you in affection like this but, given your behavior, it seems like you’ve been hesitant and selective. If Barou’s being honest, he’s glad it’s that way.
“Then we don’t have to,” he surges forward, forcing his head down to catch your gaze before capturing your lips in surprise once more.
Eventually, he ends up hovering over you. You’re lying on the mattress, head semi-propped up against the pillows with half of his body weight on top of you—not too heavy, but not too comfortable. Barou’s vaguely aware of what this might lead to, with the look you’re giving him—with the look he’s giving you. He should really go to bed, or else he’s going to wake up with a migraine and a sore neck. But your cheek is nuzzled against his palm, he’s got his other hand running through your hair, soft and lazy, and he’s finding himself grinding against your lower half almost pathetically.
It’s impossible to put his thoughts into coherent sounds when your fingers work at his pants and manage to free his erection, springing it heavily against his stomach. Barou’s mind short-circuits, body jerking in reaction, with the slow, experimental pump of your fist around his aching cock. The look you’re currently giving him is mesmerizing, and it makes him feel as if he’s the most powerful person in the world.
He’s not sure how far you’re willing to go, especially since this feels like your first for everything. You adjust your hand around his length and let it run for a few more strokes. It feels foreign and electric at the same time, softer than his own hands that’s for sure. After you brush your thumb over his tip, smearing the pre, Barou immediately tries shielding himself from you, face buried in his shoulder, and swallows back a rumbling moan.
You pause, hand loosely wrapped around his base, frowning. “Is it bad? I’ll stop if…”
“No,” Barou clasps a hand over yours, squeezes, and sets a slow, firm pace. He shudders again when you adjust your position, hot breath fanning over his tip. “You don’t have to go down—”
“I want to,” you look at him with pleading eyes. “I want to make you feel good, Shouei.”
His mind goes through a whirlwind of possibilities, debating the urge to either run or dominate. Barou closes his eyes, breathing deeply in order to steady himself before he fully loses it. His cock twitches and your hand is clinging around him like a mold.
“Please,” you moan, a plea that’s both an invitation and a surrender, and it’s that damn voice that cuts through his brain fog.
You make a small noise of confusion when he pulls you back, and settles you flat against the mattress. Disappointment flicks across your face but disappears as quickly as it came when his palms make contact with your legs. He carefully watches you squirm, thighs pressing together, when he starts hiking up the dress past your waist and eventually off your body.
Barou sucks in his teeth, eyes drinking in your shy figure underneath him as he stares at your heaving chest, stomach, and plump thighs. He swears under his breath, hesitating for just a moment, before slipping a hand lower, past the barrier of your panties.
A strangled moan catches in his throat as he discovers the slick heat from your arousal, thick fingers pressing gently at the entrance. Your face casts a wild, bewildered look and you throw your head back, hand covering the lower half of your face.
“D-Don’t tease me…”
Barou clicks against his teeth. “Wasn’t planning on it.”
Almost entranced, he stares at your slick center, folds glistensing and your clit practically pulsing with need. His fingers tremble, exploring with hesitance born from innocence. The warmth between your thighs is new, intoxicating, and downright terrifying. With each careful, slow, tentative touch, the sound of his name spilling from your lips is like a sacred plea and it ignites a spark within him.
He can’t wait any longer.
Barou groans as he rubs his padded fingers in between your dewy folds and slides in, a tight and perfect fit that draws a gasp from both parties. Your walls flutter around him almost instantaneously, paired by high pitched mews rolling off your tongue. He watches your knuckles fist the sheets as he starts his slow, stretching movements.
Your body squirms under his onslaught, thighs threatening to press closer from the sensitivity but he settles a firm grip on one of them. The sight of you under him, vulnerable and consuming, with hot tears springing out of the corners of your eyes, drives him over the edge. His fingers pick up speed inside, soon turning relentless, scissoring your gummy walls at a pace that you struggle to keep your volume low. Barou watches you throw a hand over your mouth when his thumb starts rolling over your clit in slow but purposeful circles. The scent of sex drenches him, listening to you mew and beg, his heavy cock leaking all over your thigh when you begin to raise your hips.
“Shouei,” you moan out, skin glistening and wet, flushed from the heat. Your fingers grasp sloppily against his biceps, sending shivers down his arms. “I want to take care of you, too.”
He spreads your legs even further out, applying more pressure to your core. Seeing the sight of you buckling your hips, grinding so shamelessly down on his fingers, brings him more pleasure than it should. Hearing the sighs and whines you babble out tells him everything he needs to know.
Barou raises his lips to your temple as he picks up the pace, groaning from the lewd sounds below. “Finish for me first, I don’t like owing favors,” he starts kissing your throat, tongue tracing over your sweet spots as your walls start fluttering around his digits.
Your hands land on his biceps, clutching his body as close to yours as possible while you calm down from the rush, unable to stop the way you're wailing his name right into his ear. It isn’t until Barou releases his fingers that he realizes that his sweats are now soaked from your orgasm.
“I'm sorry...” You sharply turn your head away, pleasure quickly replaced by embarrassment.
Barou carefully brushes the hair out of your eyes and captures your lips in a sweet and tentative kiss. “Was gonna get rid of them anyway.”
"Oh," you breathe out, unable to form a more suitable response.
He gets up from the mattress and manages to free himself from the remainder of his clothes. Normally, he would toss them in a hamper, but tonight he’s kicking them to the side. Mild anxiousness and anticipation claws at his throat when he formally settles between your legs and, this time, your hands are back to poorly covering up your bare, flushed out body.
Barou furrows his brows and gently pulls them aside, already reading your thoughts. “Stop, you don’t look weird.”
“But—”
He bends down, hands kneading on the flesh of your breasts while his mouth latches onto the side of your neck. You struggle to keep your voice down and squirm under his touch, again. “You’re beautiful,” he whispers. “Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.”
It’s like he can almost see all the blood rushing towards your head when he pulls back. You’re nodding, shaking and quivering, and he can practically hear your heartbeat over his own.
“Let me know if I’m hurting you,” Barou’s amazed that he’s able to keep it together, that his voice is even, because your fingers are slowly guiding his cock towards your entrance.
He’s had a girlfriend in the past, though the intimacy has never gone past making out. He has a faint idea of how it should feel and what he should do, but all that thought gets thrown out when his tip presses softly against your wet folds. Everything starts to feel unbearingly hot and tight.
“I trust you,” you sharply inhale when the first few inches slide into the soft, heated space, and spread your legs wider. You shift against the mattress, a hand splaying on his chest while the other is fisting the sheets. “I trust you more than I trust myself, Shouei.”
He hisses in response to that, adjusting his length, and cranes his head back so he can avoid releasing everything right then and there. You bite back a loud moan as soon as he bottoms you out, your nails digging and leaving half crescent marks into his chest at the stretch.
“Shit—you’re so warm,” he steadies his breathing, and reaches out a hand, caressing your flushed cheeks. He carefully dives in to kiss your lips and then your throat, biting until he nearly breaks skin.
You shudder beneath him, responding with a noise that’s in between a moan and a laugh. “Don’t tell me you’re going to cum already?”
Barou ignores your taunting and scrapes his teeth along the ridge of your throat until he finds your earlobe, basking in the way you’re squeezing around him. “How you do want me to fuck you?”
Silence takes over as your answer, eyes widening at his response. A small thrust and he watches you wince from the stretch. Barou slows down his movements, pulling all the way out before sliding back into the hilt. Shocks of pleasure surges through his veins, and his throat rumbles with every tight pulse your velvety walls offer him, holding your hips steady as he builds up the rhythm.
Your moans and gasps send shivers down his whole body, arching your back as he finds the furthest point. Your grip on his chest tightens, fingers grasping, nails breaking the skin. Though, the pain is nothing compared to the binding pleasure Barou feels being buried deep around your enveloping, addicting warmth. His brain melts into a puddle, every nerve in his system heightens to a new level as you’re tightening around him.
You raise your hips higher, opening yourself and deepening the angle that he can thrust his way through. Barou’s browline pools in a thin veil of sweat as he works his way through it all, staring down at you in a silent, consumed gaze. He presses his hips forward and manages to find the spot that makes you violent and wild. The sound of his name shatters the air and you throw your head back, bliss screeching through both of your veins.
"Shouei, it’s too much," you cry out.
Barou sucks in his teeth, fingers pressing hard into your flesh. “Just breathe, you’re okay.”
He watches your eyes widen with a shaky nod. Your chest rises and falls, eyes frantically darting from the area between your legs up to his face in an attempt to calm yourself.
“I-I know, I know,” you respond, choked out and breathless.
Any consideration for neighboring guests in the complexes are abandoned as Barou pumps into you, his core tightening as every thrust brings him closer. Your walls and arousal coat around his cock with eagerness, as if afraid to let him go.
At the sight of you, teary-eyed and a babbling mess, Barou leans down and his mouth captures yours in another searing kiss that mutes your sounds. Your fingers shoot up, tangling in the mess of his long, black locks, pulling him closer until there’s no space left—until he feels nothing but wet skin and sheer desperation.
He buries his face in your neck, his hot breaths and pants tickling your skin as he senses the incoming orgasm. Barou shuts his eyes and lets his concentration break, mind fully focusing on the feeling of you swallowing him as he works his cock deep inside of you as he could go. All he can think about is how warm and tight everything feels, the sounds you’re making, how much he loves hearing you, and how long he’s been waiting for this moment. Now, with your cries of passion filling the room, back arched in a way he can't even fully describe, it’s more than he can handle, more than he can believe.
Your walls clench violently around him, one hand flying up and tugging at his hair so hard that it stings. But he’ll take it, Barou will endure all the pain and hunger from you knowing you’re cumming hard on his cock. He lets the pain ebb away, turning into waves of ecstasy. Your name falls from his lips and fills the dark room.
Barou bites back a moan and chews his lower lip, head nuzzled deep into your shoulder blade and hips stuttering as his vision goes blurry. Pleasure overtakes him, both immense pressure and the immediate release of it exploding in his skull, and he ends up gasping for air, legs jerking and body trembling as he releases inside of you.
He holds you tightly, rocking your body and panting against your warm skin as both of you try to catch your individual breaths as the aftershocks settle through. Everything stills, all that’s left are the low hums of the air conditioner and your frantic heartbeats. Barou isn’t sure how much time has passed when he finally feels his length go limp. Gently, he slips out and catches the way you moan in disapproval at the feeling of sudden emptiness.
He raises his head and meets your eyes, finding yours wet and half-lidded, completely fucked over. Lifting a thumb to wipe away the threatening tear, he rolls off and settles upright by the edge of the bed. The darkness strains his eyes, but he manages to find what he’s looking for. A few moments later and he hands you a few tissues from the bedside table and cranes his body.
“Are you okay?” Barou’s cautious of the volume of his voice, as if raising it an octave higher would break you even further.
Your breath hitches, wincing and moving meticulously to avoid spilling out all the contents on the sheets. “I think I am?”
“You sound unsure.”
“Well,” you prop up next to him, body curling tight together like a coil, head nudging against his bare shoulder. “We just had sex.”
The word almost slaps him in the face, making him sit up even straighter.
“We… did,” he said, slowly, and now feeling a certain way that he isn’t sure how to describe. Comfortable isn’t the right word, but it’s not exactly uneasy either. But that’s another step to think about, one that he probably won’t take today. He pauses for a moment, tongue heavy in his mouth, but pushes through and ignores the fretting in the back of his mind. “Do… Do you regret it?”
“No,” and you’re quick with it, despite avoiding eye contact. Instead, you curl your fingers around his bicep and squeeze hard. After a pregnant pause, you throw back the question. “How ‘bout you?”
“I don’t,” Barou finds himself equally as responsive, and he’s sure about a lot of things.
He’s sure he’s going to wake up tired and sore, but definitely is still going to out perform his other teammates tomorrow. He’s sure that one day he’ll surpass Isagi. And he’s sure that he wants to be here, with you. You two are best friends and… what, girlfriend and boyfriend now? It’s a crazy thought, but it has his heart fluttering like some dumb teenage romcom.
You simply nod, humming in deep thought, before reaching over and pulling him in for another kiss, and this time, it’s soft and delicate. Fragile, slow, and it has Barou clenching around the edge of the mattress. You’re both making quiet sounds, and he wants to keep going, but he can’t quite subdue that little bubbling jolt of fear in his head. And, because you’re stupidly observant at the strangest times, you pull back.
“We should… probably talk about this, right?”
“We should,” he agrees but, as soon as he glances at the time, exhaustion hits him like a freight train. Barou shudders and he allows gravity to take over, collapsing back onto the cold, wet mattress.
“Hey,” you shake him, enough to rouse some of the tiredness away. “Don’t crash here tonight, everything’s covered in sweat.”
He scoffs and turns over, relishing in the mild comfort. “You’re starting to sound exactly like me.”
“C’mon, Shouei,” he can’t exactly see you from this angle, but he imagines a big pout plastered over your face. “I mean it, let’s sleep in your room. This is like a sex bed…”
“Don’t call it that,” Barou cringes.
“I mean, technically it is. Y’know, couples get twin beds in hotel rooms all the time for that purpose and—”
“If we move to my room, will you promise me that you’ll be quiet and get some sleep?” Barou can slowly feel bags forming under his eyes.
Your weight shifts above him and you make a small noise of approval. “Sure, but no promises.”
© 2023 DOOBEAN. do not copy any of my writing and translate/repost.
#doobean writes#bllk#blue lock#bllk smut#bllk x reader#blue lock x reader#blue lock smut#blue lock x female reader#bllk x female reader#barou shoei smut#barou shoei x reader#barou shouei#barou smut#barou x reader
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Hi my dream last night did something to me so here's a word dump I wrote immediately after waking up so I could get catharsis.
What if... instead of looping, Siffrin just came back to life?
~~~
You should've known it was too easy. No traps, only weak sadnesses, keys in relatively obvious places. It was so easy to get through the first floor.
But now there's a large sadness, and you've taken one hit too many.
As you fall to the ground you see your party close ranks in front of you. To protect you.
You see Bonnie, running up, with a crafted water.
Your vision is going dark.
There's a flicker, above Bonnie. It's…
The sadness it's arm above Bonnie it's attacking.
You tackle Bonnie. Something slams into your back.
You can't move anything except twitch your fingers you ca n't look up just at the floor
Bonnie's boots are there someone is screaming
You aren't g oing to make it.
You wanted more time w ith them you want to live you want t o stay with them you want to stay with them YOU DON'T WANT TO DIE YOU W ANT T O S T A Y W I T H TH
GAME OVER
> continue
> quit
You wake up from a deep sleep. You had a bad dream last night.
Someone's pulled the sheets up over your head. You toss them off.
Oh.
You aren't in your bed. You're back in your dream.
This is where you died.
It's quiet, now. No sadness. No party.
You look to the side, at the sheets you tossed off that weren't really sheets but your cloak, neatly draped over you where you were stretched out. Like a corpse.
Did you really die? But you're back here, so you couldn't have, right?
Maybe they gave you crafted water and it only just kicked in? But then where's the rest of your party?
There's a sickening certainty setting in to your gut.
You died, didn't you. And somehow you're back.
Your party left without you.
Good. They still need to kill the king.
Maybe… you can still catch up. You need to find them. You're okay! They'll be so happy to see you!
You stagger to your feet. You're a little light-headed, dizzy for a moment, then it passes. You put back on your cloak, grab your hat where it sits (right above where your head used to lie) and put it back on. Onwards you go.
There aren't any sadnesses, as you walk through the halls. Did they manage to defeat them all without you? Or was there some kind of reprieve after that large sadness?
You hope they got a bit of rest.
As you turn the corner, you see an open doorway, hear quiet voices coming through.
You don't know why you pause.
"—if we can't bring him with us, can't we bring him here at least?" you hear Mirabelle whisper, with a desperation that turns your stomach.
"I'm with Mira." Isa's voice is louder but still technically a whisper. He sounds so serious. "What if more sadnesses come? What if—"
You realize they're talking about your body. A shiver goes down your back.
"No." Odile's voice is steel in a way that makes you flinch. "We need to keep moving. We can't go back for them, or bring them with us. And sadnesses are just as likely to come here as that other room."
"BUT—" Mirabelle starts to protest.
You stop listening and force yourself to start moving forward. They don't have to fight! You're right here! You—
You freeze again as Bonnie walks through the doorway. They hug the wall as soon as they make it through the doorway, shooting a glance back over their shoulder before looking back down at the ground.
"Jus' need to make it to Dormont," they whisper so quiet you can barely hear. "I can do that. Just make it to Dormont. They'll all be fine."
They're sniffling as they shuffle along the wall towards you. Still not looking.
"I can make it back to Dormont. Then they won't worry about me and I won't hold them back like a crabbing baby and they'll be just fine and I'll freeze with all the other little kids and wait for them to—"
"Bonbon?" You ask.
They freeze, and turn towards you. Their eyes are dark and puffy.
When they lock eyes with you there's a beat and then they scream, terrified.
There's yelling from the other room. You ignore it. Your stomach is dropping like it's made of lead and you drop to your knees, stretching your arms wide. "Bonnie, no! See, look, I'm okay! I'm alright!"
They take a step back. "F-frin? Yyyou… died?"
"I got better!"
Bonnie tackles you into a hug and you don't have time to flinch as you fall back onto the tile floor, so you just wrap your arms around them. Over their head you see your other companions burst through the door, weapons at the ready.
"I HATE YOU," Bonnie is scream sobbing into your chest. "I HATE YOU I THOUHT YOU WERE DEAD YOU'RE A CRABBING IDIOT I HATE YOU."
Your heart twists but they're still holding you so tight, so you keep hugging them back. Your companions lower their weapons looking like they've seen a ghost.
Maybe they have.
You don't have time to think about it because then they're rushing in to hug you too, the warmth of their bodies pressing into yours, their tears dripping onto you—and you're crying as well, and even Odile, who hung back, has a glint on her cheek.
"I'm back," you say. Bonnie is still sobbing into your chest, but they've stopped yelling at you. "I'm alive. We're all going to be okay."
#isat#in stars and time#isat bonnie#isat siffrin#my writing#starry time#this fic brought to you by a dream where I died and bonnie was heartbroken but then I was just fine the next day#and I was going to tell bonnie BUT THEN I WOKE UP AND I WANTED CATHARSIS#so here
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"Gone to the mat again and again to fight for that future with Feyre"
Rhys may have stepped back and kept his distance for months when he thought Feyre would be happy with Tamlin but what Cassian said is true, Rhys did consistently show that he was willing to fight for Feyre.
Lucien fighting for his future with Elain:
Lucien breathed, "Where is he keeping her?"
"I don't know. Rhysand has a hundred places where they could be, but I doubt he'd use any of them to hide Elain, knowing that I'm aware of them." "Tell me anyway. List all of them."
"You'll die the moment you set foot in his territory." "I survived well enough when I found you."
"I need to find her."
I asked Lucien to escort me, and he'd been more than happy to do so, given that his own status of mated male made him uninterested in any sort of female company these days".
"I'm getting my mate back."
"Tell me about her - about Elain," Lucien said quietly.
"My mate is engaged to a human male." I want to see her. Just once. Just-to know." "To know what?" "If she is worth fighting for. And then I'll ask your mate how he survived it - knowing you were engaged to someone else. Sharing another male's bed."
"I would like to see them first. I know you're anxious -" "Just do it," Lucien said, bracing his forearms on the stone rail of the veranda. "Come get me when she's ready."
But Lucien was standing in the doorway. And from the devastation on his face, I knew he'd heard ever word. Seen and heard and felt the hollowness and despair radiating from her.
Lucien stiffened - not at what I'd said, I realized, but at the tone. A hostess. But he asked, "What of - Elain?" "I need to think about it," I answered plainly.
"I would never hurt her."
"She needs fresh air." "We'll judge what she needs." "Take her to the sea. Take her to some garden. But get her out of this house for an hour or two."
"I sensed no ill will, no conniving. Only concern for her. And ... sorrow. Longing."
"Let me do something. About Elain. I heard - from my room. Everything that happened just now. It wouldn't hurt to have a healer look her over. Externally and internally."
"Please tell me," Lucien said when I crossed the threshold into the foyer. "What the healer says. And if- if you need me for anything."
"I'll go." Lucien was staring at Elain as he spoke.
Lucien, haggard and bloody, panting for breath. As if he'd run from the shore. His gaze settled on Elain, and he sagged a little.
"I heard - what happened. I'm sorry for your loss. All of you."
"I heard you made the killing blow."
Lucien now stood in the sitting room, close to Elain's side.
"How is she?" "Good. But is she still..." A muscle flickered in his jaw. "Does she still mourn him?
Lucien had encountered him, I realized. Somehow, in living with Jurian and Vassa at the manor, he'd run into Elain's former betrothed. And managed to leave the human lord breathing.
"The bigger box is for you. The smaller one is for her."
Cassian's heart strained at the pain etching deep into Lucien's face as he tried to hide his disappointment and longing. "
Two years after their bond snapped "he tried to hide his disappointment and longing."
From the start of their bond snapping until where we are currently at in the series Lucien is still fighting for Elain.
Is he being pushy? No, because that's not what would best for a female who recently had a broken engagement with someone she loved.
But does he still think of her? Does he still long for her? Has he been loyal to only her?
That is the author showing us that Lucien remains committed to their bond, he is fighting for their bond.
Authors do not write loyal kings as not ending up with their HEA and Elain will always be able to take comfort in the fact that he wanted her, he waited for her, he allowed her to set the pace of things while he suffered for her.
That is how you write a real love story. Not a guy who rejected her at the first real test to their love as Graysen did, not a guy like Az who hadn't thought of a future with her beyond his sexual fantasies and proceeded to feel a spark in his chest at the thought of another female's happiness mere hours after he rejected Elain.
Lucien is loyal to Elain regardless of what he's getting out of the situation and that's exactly what we saw from both Rhys and Cassian with their mates.
#elucien#pro elucien#lucien vanserra#pro lucien vanserra#Lucien is king#High King too hopefully#But a loyal king who sees Elain for all she is and knows she's worth suffering for no matter how long he has to wait
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Sing for Me
8. Sponsored by the Devil
Cooper Howard × Fem!Reader / The Ghoul × Fem!Reader
She's a singer the nation adores. He's the actor everyone respects. What happens when these two get entangled in a heated affair? Passion, regret, rage, and even murder will commence.
From before the bombs drop to the vast wasteland, these two souls live for one another.
Previous Chapter
Series Masterlist
Tagged: @fallout-girl219 @harmfulb1tch @themadhattersqueen @one-of-thewalkingdead
AN: Not crazy about this chapter, BUT there is smut at the end so...
I sit at the bar watching the TV. A newscaster babbles on, “As all nations race to secure uranium and control the future of energy, a shortage has emerged, turning even allies into potential competitors. Will energy prices surge this winter and will it lead to an expanded war?” I chuckle softly with the shake of my head, finishing my drink. I see the familiar figure of my old friend. My old friend who sounds like he’s gotten caught up in the communist bullshit. “Sorry you couldn't make it to the party the other night, Charlie,” he looks at me with a blank face. “Guess you had one of your meetings, huh? One of your Communist meetings?” He sighs, taking the seat next to me, “Come on, man.”
“We watched people die together up north fighting against all that horseshit.” He shrugs, “Yeah, and for what?” I scoffed, “What do you mean, for what? For the American dream.
We're actors. We make movies, Charlie.”
“Yeah, the American dream has me getting shot in the ass by you all day.” I roll my eyes at his excuse. “You got five acres in Tarzana. I think you're doing all right.” He shakes his head, “It doesn't matter, Coop. Vault-Tec's the fucking devil, man.” I weigh in. “Vault Tech is a shifty company. I’ll give you that. My ex-wife works there. She’s a lot of things, but the devil? Come on now.” “Do you know what "fiduciary responsibility" means?” “Fiduciary responsibility? No, I have no fucking idea. I play a cowboy for a living.”
Charlie goes on, “Okay. So, the U.S. government has outsourced the survival of the human race to Vault-Tec. Vault-Tec is a private corporation that has a fiduciary responsibility to make money for its investors. And how does it make money? By selling vaults.” “That's called capitalism, Charlie.” He continued digging, “But they can't sell vaults if these peace negotiations go through. So Vault-Tec has a fiduciary responsibility to make sure that it doesn't work out.” I can’t even wrap my head around his speech. “Yeah. How are they gonna do that?” He falls flat, “I don't know. You remember that movie we did with Johnny Morton… you were the sheriff and I was some generic Indian?” I disagree, “Come on, man, don't say that. Tall hand Mudlake could talk to horses. You played him with grace and with dignity. It was a great role for you.”
“Morton played a rancher who owned half of Missouri. And what happens when the cattle ranchers have more power than the sheriff?” “The whole town burns down.” “Right. Vault-Tec is a trillion-dollar company that owns half of everything. And after ten years of war, the U.S. government is broker than a joke. The cattle ranchers are in charge, Coop.” I wave at his words again, “Come on, man, you sound like you're in a cult.” He fires back, “And you're sitting here defending a system that's ready to set the world on fire, Cooper. Maybe you're the one in the cult.”
I look away with the roll of my eye. He slides a card on the bar. “Look. You should come to a meeting. You should learn the truth about where your ex-wife works, and what they plan on doing with their employees. For (y/n)‘s sake.” With one final smile, my friend leaves the bar. Leaving me confused and a knot rolling in my chest.
Why the fuck would (y/n) be or any danger with Vault Tech? I stare at the card and begin to dive down a hole I’d rather not be sober for. I raise my hand, gesturing to the bartender, “Bartender, can I get one more?”
~
I caved and went to attend Charlie’s meeting. It was a basic conspiracy for weak-minded individuals. She sits at the front, coffee in hand. “These soldiers that we're fighting abroad, their families, we have more in common with them than we do with the people here in power, the real enemy.” I shake my head, “That's about all the horseshit I can take.” I stand, place my hat back on my head, and make my way to the exit.
“Mr. Howard?” I stop as she addresses me. “I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said.” I raise my eyebrows at her, “I said that um… this is about all the horseshit I can take.” She smirks, “I didn't realize that America's favorite gunslinger was so sensitive.” She earns soft laughter from her followers. “I have my principles, Miss Williams, that's all.” I try to leave once more but she begins the conversation again, “Uh-huh. And those principles of yours… how much did Vault-Tec pay to take them off your hands?”
“Well, this is America. Everybody has a sponsor, and, uh, I'm not ashamed to earn a living.” She bickers back, “Vault-Tec is the largest company in America. There's a lot of money in selling the end of the world.” I couldn’t take her words. I fire back to her, “Well, I'm sure there's a lot of money in selling a political ideology that ends in breadlines.”
As the crowd gets upset, Charlie stands and backs away with me, “Okay, uh, sorry, this was a mistake. We'll be leaving.” Miss Williams shakes her head, coming to stand. “Oh, no, I'm-I'm quite glad you brought Mr. Howard today. You see, it happens that I know your wife… or Ex-wife. And perhaps a side of her you don't.”
I walk out and she follows close on my heels, catching up by my side. “How do you know my ex-wife?” “My research company was acquired by her division. We were developing this kind of technology that's… difficult to monetize. Cold fusion. Infinite energy. Several projects were advancing. Synthetic creations. That's what I was on the verge of achieving when Vault-Tec swept in and bought up every company I'd ever worked for.” I stare at her with no hesitation, “Every one of them? So, what are you, a millionaire communist?”
“Hypocrisy is like violence in your movies.
If you only let the bad guys use it, the bad guys win.” “Yeah? I, uh, I got a little showbiz secret for you. A good bad guy doesn't see themselves as the bad guy.”
She pushes more, “America has been locked in a resource war for over a decade. Vault-Tec bought the means to end that war, the same war you fought in, so they could put it on the shelf. All because it didn't fit into their business model. I want your help in getting it back.” She passes a small device into my palm. I roll the small object in my fingers, “What is it?” “It's a listening device.”
I nod, disbelief running through my mind. “A listening device. You… you want me to spy on them?” I chuckled softly, passing it back, “Good luck with the revolution.” She shakes her head, “You can keep it. As a token.” She sighs, “I'm not a communist, Mr. Howard. That's just a dirty word they use to describe people who aren't insane.” I meet her with silence. She speaks once more in a hushed voice, stepping closer, “I understand you have a fond relationship with Ms. (L/n). If I were you, I’d be keeping her at a distance from Vault Tech. They have plans for her.” I clenched my jaw, “what the hell are you on about?” She taps the small listening device before turning on her heel and returning to her meeting.
~
I sit on the couch bouncing my knee, paranoid, thinking the worst of what could happen to (y/n). They could kidnap her. Keep her trapped in one of those damn vaults. They could kill her!
To add to the stress, we were about to set Janey down and talk to her. I roll the divine in my pocket overthinking the worst. My nerves got the best of me, and I gave up, going to the pip-boy on the counter. The divide pairs within seconds. Just in time for Barb to walk out and retrieve the bulky oversized wrist technology. She straps it onto her wrist before looking at me, eyebrows raised. “Are you ready?” I nod, “Yeah. I'll be out there in just a minute.”
She nods and exits the house. I watch as she sits down with Janey. I place the listening divide in my ear, clearly hearing Barb and Janey from outside. Roosevelt whines causing me to shake my head. There was no logical reason to believe anything those conspiracy theorists had to say. “You're right, Roosevelt,” I tuck the small device into my pocket, “What are you thinking?”
Janey has to be the smartest, and most intelligent little girl in the world. I had been very honest in explaining how her mother and I just didn’t feel the same and how we were going to be living away from each other. She knew something had been off for months. She had no issue expressing her feelings and opinions on the scheduling. “As long as daddy and (y/n) can take me for ice cream every other Friday!” I smile at Janey, while Barb does not. She simply ignores it.
~
The sun rose on Saturday morning, kissing the land of California. I stand on the back patio with a cup of coffee just taking in the beauty. It had been a month to the day since Cooper and I started dating. Life was good. I was happy. He was here more days out of the week than not. I couldn’t think of a better day than today to tell him the news.
The sliding glass door catches my attention. Cooper walks out, coffee in hand and a smile on his face. He wraps an around around me, nuzzling into my neck. “Good morning.” It’s such a perfect paradise with him at this moment. “Good morning, love.” I lean back into him, rubbing my fingertips up his arm, tracing each speck and freckle. “I have a surprise for you.” He looks down, trying to find a hint within my soul. “What type of surprise?” I turn around in his hold, now facing him. “A good one. I think you’ll be pleased with it.” He trails a finger down the front of my chest, dipping into my robe, brushing my concealed skin. “Wouldn’t happen to be you would it?” I shake my head, moving out of his grasp before I get caught up. “Nope. Get dressed Mr. Howard because we are going on a little adventure.”
We both get ready and exit my house. I get into the driver's seat before he can argue. "So where are we going?" I smirk at him as I begin to drive to the secret location. "You'll see."
We pass the line in Bakersfield and Cooper looks at me, even more confusion in his eyes. 30 more minutes down the line we pull up to a gate. I flip the keypad and enter the entrance code. The large gate slides open and I drive up the start of a long gravel driveway. Cooper looks at the surroundings in awe. The lush land filled with vegetation, and life. "6 acres on each side. There's a big barn in the back. I figured Sugarfoot could have his own space." Cooper sits silently as we pull up to the large cabin. I park the car and turn off the engine. I exit with a smile. "Are you coming?"
Cooper gets out of the vehicle, mouth gaping as he tries to make sense of the situation. "What did… Is this…" I grab his hand, intertwining our fingers. "It's ours." I pull the keys from my pocket and dangle them in front of his face. "How did you do this?" I waved my hand at him, "It was nothing. Heather and her boyfriend are sold in California. I offered them my house at an amazing rate, and I was able to get this place up here."
I squeeze his hands with a nervous smile. "I knew this was a risk. A huge one, but I know we had talked about it before, and it was just the perfect opportunity. It just… felt right." Cooper finally breaks into a smile, he hoists me up into his arms. I laugh in surprise, "What in the world are you doing?" He smiles charmingly down at me. "Well, I'm carrying you through the threshold of our new home, sweetheart." Nothing could be better than this moment. He passes through the doorway, the warmth of the cabin enveloping us in its glow.
"What you say we… break in a few rooms? See if the acoustics are good for that angelic voice of yours. I want you to sing for me, honey. Just the way you know I like." He kisses up my neck mumbling into my skin. Room by room Cooper drew orgasm from me. Each one is stronger than the last.
He carries me from the kitchen counter to the long hallway, posting me up on the wall, fucking into me with long thrusts. I moan out loudly the sound carrying through the halls. Cooper smirks, biting his lip as he hears my echoed pants bouncing off the walls.
''That's my girl,'' Cooper rumbled out, pressing his fingers into my cheeks, forcing me to glue my eyes on him. I summoned every ounce of strength I had to begin lifting my hips away from him. I couldn't take anymore, and he knew it. The pressure eased as his girth slowly withdrew from the depths of my sensitive walls. He pushes me into the wall further, deepening his thrusts.
I mewled involuntarily to his sudden way to keep me still. ''I don't think I can-'' I managed to blurt out, despite the trembling rushing through my entire body as his strong hands held me firmly in place.
''Of course, you can, sweetheart.'' He cooed through a strained groan. The stretch of his length was just right, so satisfying that made me want to writhe and squirm on top of him, to lose myself in the rawness of the moment. The friction of our bodies, the sound of our combined breaths, the intoxicating scent of cigarettes and expensive perfume hanging heavy in the air.
''Cooper,'' I cried out from the immense fullness of his length, unable to contain the bliss as every nerve in my body was set on fire.
One of his hands traced a path up the curve of my side, his touch sending electric tingles through my skin, each movement leaving a trail of warmth in its wake.
He exits my heat, earning a whine from me. He moves us to lie on the sofa. He guided me to sit on his lap, lining his length up again. He kisses up my spine. He lifted one hand from my hip, a tender touch that trailed the expanse of my body until it reached my face and cupped my cheek to tilt my head downwards, coaxing me to meet his gaze.
Cooper leaned close, his breath warm against my ear, "Show me what a good cowgirl you can be." He murmured, the boom of his voice low and primal. As soon as he spoke those words, my hips jerked into action. I leaned back against his chest, grinding down on him, rising and falling on his cock like a bitch in heat.
''That's right, sweetheart,'' Cooper strained, breathless mumbling reverberated through the warm cabin. He slipped a hand from my hips and with ease, he directed his attention to the most sensitive bud of nerves.
His touch met the tender flesh, I gasped at the sensation, the smooth pad of his finger gliding over the bundle of my clit. Cooper groaned from behind, ''You just keep riding me like that," He helped put motion into my movement. I was a mess, sobs escaped as the pleasure ripped through me.
I surrendered myself completely to him once more, needing nothing but him. Always him. Mustering up all the strength in my legs, I bounced on him even harder than before. My walls tightened around Coooper's length, and my climax finally burst. The waves crash causing me to see stars.
With each clench, I felt him twitch from inside. I lean back as he says, "Stay inside, Cooper." He sucked in a breath, biting into the skin of my shoulder. His thrusts are relentless as he pursues his release. All it took was a few more thrusts, and his body was convulsing beneath me, his movements seeming almost otherworldly while he emptied himself inside my cunt.
He lurched forward, dragging me close to his bare chest. He slowly rolled us over, his cock slipped free. I sighed heavily, but satiated and nestled into him. "Home sweet fucking home." Cooper leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. ''I say we broke in every fuckin inch of this place, sweetheart."
#cooper howard#cooper howard x reader#fallout#fallout imagine#the ghoul#the ghoul x reader#cooper howard fallout#fallout ghoul#walton goggins#the ghoul fallout
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in a good version of this season i feel like the one-two punch of kerblam! and the witchfinders could have been used to give the doctor a moment of growth. she has, so far, put aside her usual impulse to Break Shit in exchange for passively preserving systems as are, because her experience with trying to change missy killed her.
(importantly, this was a much smaller change then. say. blowing shit up. or destabilizing a government. but it was also much more personal, something she had an extreme investment in emotionally, and something that got her and her friend killed. the doctor makes irrational, emotional decisions and justifies them later with big speeches. that’s what she does. and her turn to being as passive as she can stand to be as thirteen is an irrational decision she’s making to try and protect herself from being hurt, to protect the people and planet she’s designated as her charge from being hurt. she can dress it up in the framing of not wanting to tamper with history, but what she’s not saying is she doesn’t want to risk breaking things, knowing that it might come back worse.)
and that’s fine. that’s a good route to take the doctor post-twelve. but kerblam! and the witchfinders are the perfect episodes to challenge her stance. because in, say, rosa, in the demons of punjab, even in ghost monument, she’s not gonna have to stay here. she doesn’t have to live in the systems she observes and leaves be. (obviously, doylist, we can’t have the doctor Solve Racism™️. but we can contrast her lack of action against those of the people who do have to live in the systems, who are risking everything and will suffer for it and still know that change is worth it.)
the start of kerblam! has them going in as workers. undercover. in the system. this is a mask the doctor can easily throw off when convenient for her. but she’s standing next to ryan, who couldn’t, not at his factory job. who nearly lost said job because the system he was in would have decided his disability made him a liability. who only kept it because of solidarity with his fellow workers. the doctor is In the system, but only for. day and only as long as she wants to be. at the end, she can still leave. in a better episode, they might have been able to use this to set up her realizing, hey, shit, the fact that i don’t Have to change things is a privilege i have from not having to survive under these systems. unfortunately. this is kerblam!
but the witchfinders doubles down on that! she can’t stand by and watch a woman be killed while her granddaughter cries! but her hesitation to act means that she dies anyway! the doctor asserts herself as an authority in the system to get access to information and power to prevent this happening again, and it looks at her, looks at the body she’s in and the face she’s wearing, and says No. says If you won’t submit to what we say about you, you will die. If you submit to what we say about you, you will die. This is the world, accept it. For the first time this season, the Doctor is chained to something she hesitated to change. She’s not watching anymore. She’s learning what it is to be drowned while everyone looks on and says nothing. Lets it happen. Because this is how it is. And the system isn’t the problem.
Like she’s been doing.
So! Conclusion! fuck if i know yet if they’ll uh. Do Anything With This Set-Up. but god it is so ripe to, if not change her ways, give some ample arguments that’ll make it harder for her to just walk away from the next space amazon facility, you know?
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❦ TAPPING INTO THE VOID BUT YOU ALWAYS FALL ASLEEP?
It’s okay sleepyhead, we’ve all been there…
so a lot of people talk to me about the fact that they are trying to tap into the void/“I AM” but they will get super uncomfortable or just fall asleep trying. Then it cuts to them waking up pissed off and upset that they are still in their shitty realities. I feel like so many people have this issue but no one really speaks about it, and to get most blogs to give advice about this specific topic, a lot of the time you have to ask them directly by dming or asking. i’ve also had this problem and let me tell you it’s one: frustrating as hell to deal with and two: no one really speaks about this problem. Here, we talk a lot about giving up, getting too scared at the last second but we never talk about dozing off.
but never fear, sai is here!!
If you are struggling with this i want you to know that as frustrating as it is, it’s so easy to get out of this rut. I would highly recommend starting earlier, i personally love SATS as do many people in the community, but be honest with yourself love, if you see yourself sleeping off i recommend starting earlier than the state right before you sleep as you will have more control of your body.
I also want you guys to try sleeping to waves, whether it be alpha, epsilon, delta and whatever, fall asleep to waves, repeating “I AM” until you doze off. And i know it may be hard for your mind to stick to it but you can, i KNOW you can
you can even try entering during the day, and no it doesn’t always have to be at night because you’re a god and don’t need to be a slave to “time”. you can enter perfectly during the day and it’s just as easy as doing it in the night, don’t let limiting beliefs be the death of you. You can even use the day to affirm that when you sleep you immediately tap into the void/“I AM”, because you are a god, it will become fact when you decide.
I also need you guys to flip your thoughts, and you’ve probably heard this a thousand and one times so i will allow an eye roll just this once, BUT it’s actually something you need to do, don’t tell me “i get it, sai!!” and then come back after another day gone, don’t go around a cycle. I need you to live in the reality in which you are a master of the void and you have never slept off before. I’m gonna say this until i die but the law of assumption is a LAW not belief or superstition A LAW, meaning it can never, ever, ever fail. like ever. If you stand firm in the fact that you don’t have this problem and you are so powerful that there isn’t any time for sleeping, your reality will reflect that 110%
“i fell asleep again even though i told myself i was entering today”
“i hate myself omg i slept off AGAIN”
“i’m such a failure”
SHUT UP, SERIOUSLY? like do i seriously need to remind you who YOU ARE?
“i am a master at the void, failure simply doesn’t exist to me”
“i tap into the void/“I AM” so fast that i don’t even have time to sleep”
“i’m a god and i’ve decided the void always goes well for me”
You can do it, i dont think so, i KNOW it, for a fact, because you’re a god and i’ll be damned if you give up on everything because your body keeps dozing off.
YOU DONT FALL ASLEEP. YOU GET IN INSTANTLY. FLIP YOUR THOUGHTS, SLEEPYHEAD, AND YOULL FIND THAT YOUR DREAM LIFE ISNT FAR… 💋💞
#law of assumption#permashifting#shiftblr#shifting#loa#reality shifting#success story#the void#void concept#void state#the void state#voidstate#void#void state tips#shifting community#i am state#desired reality
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— bad idea right ?!
genre : tags. fluff, brother's best friend, enemies to lovers (?), teasing, slightly suggestive, sex mentioned
pairing. brother’s best friend!han dongmin x gn!reader
wordcount. 1825
a/n. i hope y’all like this, its not proofread cause it should be fine lol, its a bit more fluffy than pt1 also yk longer. here’s part one if you even care.
Last night in Italy and you were starting to genuinely wonder why your brother had brought you along on the stay. Most nights he would just leave you alone to enjoy the scenery with his girlfriend, and you had no interest in partaking in that experience, so you would end up with Dongmin. Going out to enjoy the night life with him felt unthinkable in the first couple night but the prejudice you had of him was starting to wear off.
After spending a few nights in each other’s company, you couldn’t just say you hated him anymore, he wasn’t really hateable as much as you hated to admit it. He was admirable if anything, you’d find yourself opening up to him so easily whenever it was hard to fall asleep, just talking about anything and everything. In some ways he pushed you to talk, like he could see all the baggage of thoughts weighing on your mind and wanted to help you unpack, he would ask simple questions like why, how come and you tell him all about it.
It was an odd case, two weeks ago you were sure you hated his whole essence but somehow, he’d become someone who listened to your worries, when you didn’t even know you had worries that needed to be heard. You couldn’t help but be cautious, because of the things you knew, you’d never truly open up as much as you wanted. He’d always be attentive either way, his tired eyes fixed on you as he stayed beside you on the bed resting his head in his hand, nodding every now and then. Your eyes would sometimes meet, and he would give you that lazy smile, such a dreamy smile.
“What?” you’d ask annoyed by how easily the expression made you shy away from his gaze.
“I just like listening to you, can I not smile?” he laughs at your sudden change in tone, you roll over away from his face before responding.
“Keep it to yourself” you turn off the lamp beside you, refusing to let him see the dumb smile on your face.
Once again you were stuck in the hotel room with him, only this time would probably be the last when you’d go back to your usual lives you knew it would be over and you were fine with that, you couldn’t afford to fall for him anymore if it would up in heartbreak and you knew it would.
“Get up, we’re leaving” he grabs a cap before heading for the door, looking at you expectantly, “We are not spending our last night in here. I promised to take you out remember.”
Rolling your eyes at him you stand up, silently agreeing to it all, a lopsided grin grows on his lips as he places his hand on the back of your neck pinching you making you lift your head up to cover your neck from his touch, giggling as you run away from him.
It would be a waste to not go out in the night at least once while you were in Italy, while you were with him.
You look at the machine he displayed in front of you with a show of hands, it was a small vespa moped that had been well used to say the least, listening to him explain about how he had rented it out for the trip and that it was safe, he had used it.
“It’s safe for one person, I know that for sure”
“So I should die? Dongmin seriously… I’m not getting on that” your whining barely registered to him, you look up at him with an annoyed pout as he places the helmet on your head leaning in closer to buckle it under your chin. He makes sure your eyes meet to give you a sweet smile to reassure you.
“Just hold on tight, I promise you’ll be fine, okay?”
And so it was done, you sat behind him on the scooter with a firm grip on his tshirt, he got his helmet on before taking your hands, pulling you closer to wrap your arms around his waist. You might have squeezed his intestines to paste, during the first five minutes of the drive but he didn’t mention it, he just brought your attention to the scenery you were missing out on with your head hidden in his back. Once you did look it put you at ease, the beautiful sunset on the vineyards the type of view you’d only ever seen in movies.
You rested the side of your head on his back, still holding on as you watched the beauty unfold before you, the historical architecture, the fruit trees holding on to the plump spheres of vibrant colours, you didn’t know where he was taking you, but you were already enjoying the ride. That was until the ride stopped, or should you say the scooter broke down, three final huffs and it was dead, he turned back to you with a grin on his face ready for your scolding.
“It was obvious at death’s door, I can’t believe this” he got off first before helping you off, taking off your helmet just as he had put it on, eyes meeting yours before he spoke.
“Trust me”
As hard as it was to just blindly follow him, you just did there was no where else to go. You were in a small seemingly empty town in the south of Italy with a broken down vespa, you would be fine from here.
It wasn’t a long walk till you realized where this was going, the neon lights flashing at the distance told you all you needed to know, you try hiding your smile turning away from his sight, but he caught on, he already knew you would like it, and the more you got closer the harder it was to stay indifferent. It was a big fun fair right by the dock, the ocean view was barely visible in the darkening sky, but the cool breeze was all you needed.
“Cool.” You shrug glancing at him with a big smile on your lips as you looked at the attractions marvelled by the variety of rides, completely overjoyed.
His gaze lingers on the happiness across your face, it was a sight he’d never seen, he knew he liked your smile but what he was feeling was beyond that, he wanted this happy face to last, like he would do anything to keep you this smiley.
You don’t waste much time after parking the moped, once you’re in you go on a ride together, the one with the least people waiting so you’re on in a dash.
“I’m actually really bad with adrenaline rides” he confesses as you get bucked in your seats, you turn to him with a confused smile.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” the ride starts lifting you up slowly so it can spin you around in the air,
“You looked so excited” you can’t help but laugh as you take his hand in your holding onto it tightly, watching his worried eyes scan the environment before shutting close as the spinning starts.
Honestly you had screamed a lot more than him, but his hand held onto your so tightly you couldn’t feel it anymore. You ended up alternating from slower rides to faster ones, he insisted on joining you but once in the ride you could tell see his regret so your hands would meet and you would scream together at drops, laughing about it once you were back on the ground.
It was more fun than most of your amusement park experiences for some reason, you felt lucky, to have someone drive you on a barely functional moped just to go on rides he couldn’t even stand, he was nothing like anyone ever painted him out to be, he was just a kind person. Finally taking a break from all the rides, you found refuge in a small playground right beside the place, dragging your tired feet along with a large ball of cotton candy in your hand for you to share.
You both found seats respectively on each side of a swing set, swinging along with the gentle seaside wind, it was a nice ambiance with the coloured lights still flashing from the fair.
“That was the most fun I’ve had in a while, I underestimated you” he looks over to you with a faint smile.
“I’m really not the bad guy you think I am,” you wanted to reassure him that you didn’t think that but the reminder that you didn’t know him that well came in, it was like you couldn’t help but protect your heart because of how easily you trusted people in the past. “I just got mixed up with the wrong people.” a dry scoff escapes his lips.
“I don’t—”
“Can you trust me again? I don’t really care what anyone else thinks but I want you to see me as me, not as caricature that someone else formed of me” his gaze is upwards to the starry night sky, not entirely sure you would take his word, you reach for his hand wrapped around the swing rope bringing him back to you.
For a change it was you listening to him, he explained how baseless the rumours were, a product of envy from peers across the campus, he never did anything to trigger it, he only kept to himself and that annoyed people. They felt they were entitled to his attention and since he didn’t bother amusing their tricks, they used rumours to make him detested by people who didn’t even know him. You were no different from those who spread the rumours, judging him from the moment you met instead of giving him a chance to be himself.
“I’m so sorry, Dongmin” from the first day you could tell he wasn’t as bad as you had heard him to be, but you held on to whispered words when you could have just let yourself realize the truth.
He smiles getting up from his seat to meet you crouching in front of you to meet your eyes, lifting your chin up gently before pulling your cheeks up to form a smile.
“I like it when you smile more, don’t feel bad for me” his eyebrows raise in shock surprised by your deepened frown, watching as your gaze trail off.
“So you really didn’t want to fuck me?” you ask glancing at him hesitantly, it was a joke to ease the mood, you hadn’t thought it through much but you wanted to know what he would say as a joke.
“I wouldn’t go that far” he laughs picking out a ball of cotton candy from you before going back to his swing like nothing happened while you tried to decipher the depth of that short sentence.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
🏷️; @ihopeusmile
#bnd#bnd x reader#boynextdoor#bnd fluff#boynextdoor fanfic#boynextdoor fluff#gs.files#han taesan x reader#taesan fluff#taesan x reader#han taesan#taesan#dongmin boynextdoor#han dongmin#tae
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i'm hoping the livestream for life is strange: double exposure will clear some things up for me, but as of right now i have some trepidation. i used to have an active LiS blog a couple years back and i just made this new one specifically to talk about my feelings seeing this trailer
so, just diving in, obviously the elephant in the room here is that there's no chloe (or more importantly, any mention of LiS1 and its story beats or characters at all). someone said that max is supposed to be either 28 or 29 years old in DE, but i couldn't find an official source for this so take that with a grain of salt
regardless of which ending you chose, bay or bae, max's character arc through LiS1 is extremely significant. if you choose bay, max probably has some level of survivor's guilt for 'letting' chloe die (even if that was 'what the universe wanted' and changing time is 'wrong'). ten years is not enough time to significantly divorce this from her character, so i would expect to see it mentioned or affecting her still. max went through so much trauma through the course of that game that it would be bordering on exhausting to make a list of each trauma. my first thought when telling another story about max (whose story was very much finished at the conclusion of LiS1) would be to explore those things or at the very least tack onto what was there
you would think that would be a gold mine of story-telling opportunities, just as a writer and a dev, but even if you only wanted to look at it from a cash grab lens, it would also make more sense nostalgia wise to include LiS1's story in whatever arc they give max next
but let's say you choose the bae ending. if you do that, max has fundamentally decided that she will save the one she loves with the power she's been given and she owns up to this, even if she has guilt after the fact. we would see her struggling with that guilt just the same as if you gave her the bay ending. but to tack onto this, i think she and chloe would be pretty closely linked, whether they're in a romantic or platonic relationship atp. i just don't think you can 'sacrifice' your childhood town (or at least, that's how max perceives it. whether it's true is another topic) with your superpowers just to save your best friend and then not have her in your life going forward. i would say at the very least they're trauma-bonded, and at most they're in a romantic relationship, depending on how the player plays the game. either way, chloe should still be an integral part of max's life, especially since it's only been ten-ish years since LiS1. i would still expect to see chloe with max, like in LiS2
so then comes the issue - how are they going to tackle this? they have a few options here. the first one is they can completely avoid canonizing either ending by just never mentioning LiS1, chloe, or any of the other characters again. they can pretend that max has moved on and it's been enough time to divorce that story from her character.
however, i kinda don't think they're going to do this because square enix gave this response to someone on twitter:
i think they know they're playing with fire here, so i doubt square would say something like this unless they were aware that LiS1's events or characters are mentioned in some way. so from here i would assume they're going to take a LiS2 approach and have the player choose which ending they picked at the end of the first game.
based on that choice, the game will either show you evidence of chloe living or her dying. and if chloe lives, who knows if she'll just be away on a trip or if she and max have split completely. but i already see issues with this regardless, personally. it only worked in LiS2 because the game wasn't about chloe or max and the easter eggs were small. this entire game is constructed around max as a main character, so... the events of LiS1 would both affect her thoughts, her surroundings, her actions and even just her core character? that is a huge amount of things to tackle and change based upon your ending in LiS1, so i'm worried this will be watered down in a way that's probably not going to sit right with me
i mean, just looking at the trailer, max's powers have developed to show she's almost opening portals to change timelines. do you really think bae ending max, who decided to save her loved one over all else, wouldn't use that power to contend with her arcadia bay trauma and save her and chloe's other loved ones? save rachel or joyce? it just seems odd and it raises a lot of questions.
what i will give them is there does seem to be some element of max not being able to control her powers in double exposure, evidenced by this:
max can't rewind time at all anymore, so her powers are just not to her control. it seems like she starts hearing safi's voice without being able to control it or know what's going on, so i guess because of that unpredictability she couldn't exactly use it like a marvel superpower and go and save arcadia bay. but is that going to feel a little too convenient or actually genuine, when we see it actually executed in the story? who's to say, atp
another element to this discussion that's kind of important to note is that michel koch has openly stated that the reason why dontnod split with square enix is because they wanted to essentially reboot LiS with Lost Records, mostly due to them being creatively constrained by square:
this sentiment that square is ultimately unsupportive of dontnod's vision of LiS is corroborated by deck nine employees with the expose article written about deck nine's work culture awhile back:
i mean, square enix does not seem to care about LiS past a money making venture, which is already showing in the way double exposure seems to be a cash grab. how can you authentically continue max's story, including all of the character development and trauma from the first game, while also not making it any part of this new story? i could be proven wrong (and i hope i am), but considering the trailer says it's a max caulfield adventure, it seems like it's mostly going to be separate. the fact dontnod had to split off to tell stories with artistic integrity should tell us enough about this situation, and that's without going into other issues in this expose about the work culture at deck nine. there are no doubt some amazing people working there that fought for LiS and i still think BtS is an amazing game that has a lot of aspects where the love for LiS1 shines, even despite square selling the franchise to 'the lowest bidder'.
but anyway... all this to say, i'm really worried about the integrity of max's character here. i hope i'm wrong about a lot of this and chloe (or really just anything hinting to max's pre-established lore) is shown in this game. but right now it's feeling a little odd to me
#max caulfield#life is strange#life is strange double exposure#lis#dontnod#deck nine#chloe price#pricefield#metas#life is strange before the storm#lisbts#rachel amber#lis1#life is strange 1
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DREAMWALKER SIBLINGS
Chapter III: Memories -> previous[II]
Masterlist
Summary: Y/n and Jake Sully. Siblings, shipped off into the depths of space to explore the mysterious world of Pandora.
Warnings: N/A
Word count: 1020
Jake wheeled himself out of the small shack we called home, not bothering to turn back around. "I'm going out." he announced, his voice flat, tired.
"Jake—" Tommy called out, but his words were cut off by the sound of the door slamming closed.
"He's off to the pub, again." I said staring at the holographic images of tigers on the wall. My eyes following their every move, a constant reminder of the wild freedom we could never taste. This was no way to live, trapped in our own home, scraping by on the bearest of means.
"We can't live like this anymore Tommy. This house is the same fucking size as a jail cell." I say turning to him, hoping he would see my desperation, the need for change.
Tommy sighed, running a hand through his disheveled hair. "Once I get into the avatar—"
"We'll be dead by the time you come back from your alien excursion, Tommy! We can't wait for you..." I snapped, anger and frustration boiling over. I paced up and down the thin strip of walkway of our cramped home, my thoughts racing.
"I can't do with you today." Tommy said, grabbing his coat, clearly preparing to leave.
"Do what Tommy? Talk about our planet and not some planet light years away?" Could he not see the urgency of our situation? Choosing to be shipped off to another planet like shit is sweet.
He turned to me, eyes hard. "Me going on this "alien excursion" is what is going to make you and Jake rich."
"How would we even know if you're alive Tommy? For all I know you could die as soon as you step out these doors," I shouted, my voice echoing in the small space.
"I guess we won't know Y/n, but at least I'm trying to do something instead of sitting on my ass sulking. Grow up Y/n." he retorted before slamming the door behind him.
I sank into the worn out couch, the weight of his words pressing down on me. Maybe he was right. All I ever did was sulk and think about a past that I barely remembered. After a while, I decided to take a walk around the city, maybe even have a drink or two.
The city is a maze of metal and neon, a contrast to the tiny shack we called home. People bustling about, faces all covered in masks of different sorts, the most popular being animals long extinct, tigers crossing the streets, panda bears walking the side walks, all animals we never stood a chance seeing thanks to those before us. Everyone was trying to escape something, it seemed.
I wandered aimlessly, my thoughts a chaotic mix of anger and sorrow. Eventually I found myself at the end of a alley outside of a dimly lit club. The sign above the exit door flickering intermittently, a barely readable 'exit' shown.
The sound of commotion in the alleyway catches my attention. I look down and see a group of people throwing someone out a building. My heart skips a beat as I squint to see better and recognize the figure—the man they're throwing out, is Jake. Panic surges through me as I realize they've thrown his wheelchair out of his reach, leaving him on the wet floor.
"Candy-ass bitch!" Jake yells, his voice thick with anger and frustration. Without hesitation, I dash into the alley, my pulse pounding in my ears.
As I reach him, Jake makes eye contact with me from the ground, his eyes filled with defiance and resignation. "Punk-ass bitches needed two people to handle one cripple," he says with a bitter laugh.
"Jake you could be seriously injured." I say, kneeling down in the rain beside him. I wrap my coat around the top half of hid body, trying to shield him from the cold downpour.
"They just lost themselves a customer," he mumbles, clearly drunk and rambling.
"Hey Y/n," he continues, his voice softer now, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Sorry for being such a pain in the ass to you and Tommy. I know you're just trying to help me out."
I feel a lump form in my throat as I listen to his apology. "Jake, you don't need to apologize. We're Sully's, and Sully's stick together." I say sitting down next to him, squeezing his shoulder gently.
We sit there in the rain, the world around us fading into the background. The rain continues to pour, soaking us to the bone, but we don't care. This moment of connection and understanding is worth every drop.
"Remember when we used to switch classes with Tommy during maths class cause he's the only one who understood anything." Jake chuckles, looking at me
"No, I don't, we might be triplets but only you and Tommy could pull that off," I say rolling my eyes " I had to sit there and take the tests like a champ." I say feeling a tang of nostalgia hit.
"I miss those days. Everything seemed simpler." Jake sighs, the weight of his earlier anger and frustration melting away with the breath.
"We were kids," I say softly. "The world was smaller, and our biggest worry was picking out which animal mask we would wear for the day."
Jake nods, his expression suggesting he isn't truly focused on the present. "Sully's stick together..." he lowly mutters to himself.
As we sit in the rain, the world around us quiets. The shared silence is comforting, a reminder that we're not alone in our grief.
The sound of footsteps echoes down the alley. I turn to find two men dressed in black suits staring down at us. "Y/n and Jake Sully? It's about your brother," one of them says, his voice cutting through the rain.
Jake tenses behind me, and I feel a knot of dread in my stomach. "What about him?" I ask, my voice steady despite a feeling of dread gnawing at me.
The man in the suit steps forward, his expression unreadable. "Come with us."
[previous part] [next part 4]
Tag list: @pinkvrydag @neytirismissingtoe @youskawng @tsuteyssyulang @lylalaminated @nonamevenus @ikeyniofthetayrangi @fatimatabintou @pink-sunrise-56
Note: I'm so sorry for the long wait. And for the short chapter mb:(
#avatar 2009#avatar#avatar x reader#neytiri#jake sully#omatikaya#avatar2022#awotw#angst#avatar angst#tsu’tey te rangloa ateyitan#tsu’tey fluff#tsu’tey fanfic#tsutey x reader#tsu’tey avatar
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Whispers of the past pt.2
Pairing: Hoshina Soshiro x reader
tw: mentions of death
Summary: 10 years ago, Y/N went missing after being attacked by a kaiju, now working by Gen Narumi's side as his secret weapon, she hides herself in hopes that one day she reconnects with her first love, Hoshina Soshiro.
pt.1
--
Y/N's pov:
The bar was a haven for the weary souls of the city, a place where laughter mixed with the clinking of glasses and the hum of conversation.
However, today was a slow day, the nights were full and tough, filled with people driking by themselves to get their loneliness away, others just friends enjoying their youth and love, others? Just men looking for a dancer to pay their way into a night full of lust.
At afternoon, just with a couple people showing up, I stood behind the counter, expertly mixing drinks, my eyes scanning the room for any signs of trouble or someone needing my service. It was a routine I had grown accustomed to, a semblance of normalcy in a life that was anything but joyfull.
"Evening, Chisuka" a familiar voice broke through my thoughts. I looked up to see Captain Narumi leaning against the bar, his eyes sharp and knowing.
"Good evening, Captain," I replied, keeping my tone neutral. "What brings you here?"
He smiled, a hint of amusement in his eyes. "Just checking in. How's everything?"
"Quiet, for now," I said, glancing around the bar. "But you never know when things might change."
Narumi nodded, his expression turning serious. "You remember your mission, right? If anything happens, you're to report to me immediately."
I nodded, a weight settling on my shoulders. "I understand."
As he was about to leave, he paused, holding my chin and looking back at me, never breaking our eye contact, “Chisuka… stay safe. We need you."
I watched him go, my mind swirling with a mixture of emotions. Despite the danger, despite the constant fear of discovery, I had found a purpose in my new life. I was fighting for a cause, even if it meant staying in the shadows, hidden from the ones I loved.
The night I vanished played out like a nightmare in my mind, a memory I could never escape. I had been walking home from school, my thoughts filled with dreams of the future, when a kaiju attack erupted. The last thing I remembered was the ground shaking, buildings collapsing, running to try and help my sweet mother and my baby brother, only to come back to their corpses…their lifeless eyes.
My mother was out of reach, her body under what used to be our home, only her head picking out, maybe she felt the kiss I left her with. My baby brother, four years old, died in my arms, the pain was too hard for him to endure, too hard for him to talk, maybe not too hard for him to listen to me, hopefull that my last words of love would give him some peace of mind when walking into the unknown.
When siting beside my mother and holding my brother, a blinding pain as something inexplicable happened. When I woke up, I was no longer human. I had become a kaiju, a monster in the eyes of the world. How could I come back. Now that I only had Soshiro, and I had turned into what he hated the most.
For months, I lived in hiding, grappling with my new reality, until one day, Captain Gen Narumi found me. It was in a battle field, I turned into a kaiju to help a family that was in my sight in the middle of the attack, with no weapons or skills at all, I was only left with one strategy.
I was desperate, afraid of dying, I wanted to see sohiro's face again on day, I couldn't die, I revealed my self, not thinking of consequences.
Instead of destroying me, he offered me a chance to fight back, to use my newfound abilities for a greater purpose. He gave me a new identity and a new mission: to serve as a secret weapon for the first division, known by their higher ranks.
Later that night, as I cleaned up the bar, the door swung open, and a group of soldiers from the defence force walked in, their uniforms unmistakable. My heart skipped a beat as I recognized one of them—Soshiro. He looked older, more hardened, but his eyes still held that same spark I remembered.
I quickly turned away, focusing on cleaning a glass, my hands trembling. I couldn't let him see me, couldn't risk him recognizing me.
As the soldiers settled at a table, I caught snippets of their conversation. They spoke of the latest kaiju threat, of battles and strategies, but one name kept coming up: Captain Gen Narumi.
"He's got something up his sleeve," one of the soldiers said, his voice low. "Something big. Even we don't know what it is."
Soshiro nodded, his expression thoughtful. "Whatever it is, let's hope it gives us the edge we need."
I swallowed hard, my heart pounding in my chest. They had no idea that the captain’s secret weapon was standing right in front of them, serving drinks and pretending to be someone else.
For now, I had to stay hidden, a shadow among the living. But one day, when the time was right, I would reveal the truth. And until then, I would fight from the shadows, a secret weapon waiting to be unleashed.
#hoshina soshiro x reader#kaiju no. 8#soshiro hoshina#hoshina x reader#kaiju art#soshino x reader#fics#fanfic
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Rogue is so much more
The Doctor is known to go all in and live in the moment when it comes to adventures but this might the be first time I see him this carefree and excited and open to exploring love. I mean think about all the love interests before (NuWho cuz I haven't finished the classics), he always took things slow and he was always tense. He also always easily backed off at the first sign of uncertainty. With Rose it was flirting and longing but the moment any hint of deviating from usual companion-doctor relationship was made explicit the "You're going to wither and die this is the curse of my life" defense snapped up. With River we all know it was an extremely long story, and for the most of it she was kept at arm's length. I'm not even going to talk about Jack and Yaz. And if you ship any other pairing then ditto for them too, however meaningful and strong the relationship finally became, it takes SO LONG for the Doctor to let his guard down. And who can blame him? Trauma can do that. Makes you hypervigilent and keeps you on your feet. So you have no choice but to keep the defenses up.
WELL NOT ANYMORE BABY! He's inviting Rogue to go figure it out in the stars like, the night he meets him. No observing from afar. No trying to keep everything to himself. No anxieties or worries or having a guard-up state as the default. Uncharted territories used to make him distant. But now, he's ready to embrace an accidental love as is and excited to find out where it will lead.
To me it's not just love at first sight, it's a signal that he's finally able to place trust easily in people again. And look how happy he is doing it! Being able to love like this is just the symptom, it has to rest on a fundation of trauma work, work presumably 14 did. And it is this hidden foundation that really makes me love this episode. Being like this after all that he has been through? Rogue is not just about sweet sweet love, it's a proud triumph, a survivor standing tall. It's revealing the Doctor as such a dazzling, beautiful and resilient soul. It's long night finally, finally, FINALLY going into dawn. A trauma survivor to another, I am so, so happy he found his way.
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Double-Mutated Mikey
Chapter 29: Affective Science and Emotional Psychology
Continued from the short story written by @boots-with-the-fur-club
Prev || Next
"Well, I think that might be everything, so I should get going..."
"Here, let me help you with that!" Leo says with a snarky smile, his sword slashing the air and creating a portal beneath Agent Bishop, causing him to fall through. The last thing they hear is him yelping before he vanishes completely, the portal snapping closed with a spark of light.
"Leo!" Casey sputters. "Why -- what -- what was that for?!"
"What?" Leo asks nonchalantly with a shrug and smug smile. "I was only helping him get home."
"You just wanted him gone," Casey accuses.
"That, too."
"Leo!!"
"Oh, come ooooooon!" Leo groans, leaning against his katana. "What's the big deal? I don't know him yet, and until I know him better, I don't wanna trust him!"
"Leo, he literally just risked his life against superpowered bounty hunters to keep Mikey safe," Casey reminds him.
"Yeah, yeah...." Leo sighs, lifting the katanas again and sheathing them.
"Besides, I already told you guys we can trust him!" Casey reminds him. "Doesn't my word count for anything?"
"Yeah, but that was in an alternate future where things kinda went south," Leo says with a roll of his eyes. "So forgive me if I don't warm up to him so quickly."
"What is up with you?" Casey asks angrily. "You were never so bullheaded when you were the leader of the resistance --"
"Yeah, well, I'm not that guy." Leo's voice is stern and strong. Cold. Tired of going through the same conversation over and over again. "And we spoke about this. Several times. I don't think it's appropriate to talk about the future --"
Casey growls loudly and throws his hands up into the air.
"Rrrgh! You always say that! And I'm sick and tired of it!"
He jabs a finger into Leo's chest and pushes him back a step as he fumes with fury.
"Why won't you let me talk about my life?!"
"It's not just your life, Casey," Leo refutes, pushing his hand away. "It's... it's more than just that! It's our lives, too! And I don't want you to unintentionally weigh them down by telling them what happens to them --"
"You don't know that's how they'll react!" Casey argues. "And it's not like I'm going to just waltz up and start telling them how they'll die! It won't even happen anymore!"
"It's not just that, Mikey may never be the person he was before the double mutation! How do you think he'll react to hearing he was a mystic warrior when he doesn't even remember what his ninpo is?! Or Raph, you can barely even remember what he looked like in the future! What are you gonna tell him about his life?! You don't know that they'd be willing to hear that stuff!"
"It wasn't all a horror show!" Casey snarls. "My life wasn't a complete abomination! How would you know, you won't even hear about it! The others might not feel the same way you do!"
"But they might!" Leo yells back. "And I'm the leader, I have to make that kind of decision for everyone, and I say that --"
"THAT'S IT!" Casey screams. "I've been trying not to cause a scene or pick a fight, but I've had it! I've snapped, this is me snapping -- I'm gonna fight you on this now!! And you're gonna listen, got it?!"
Leo's goes wide-eyed with shock, his mouth opening and then closing as Casey continues to shout.
"I wanna talk about my life! I want to talk about my family! It's not fair that you ask me to not talk about that stuff!! It's my entire home, world, everything I ever cared about! I can't just sweep my whole life under the rug and pretend it never happened!"
Casey starts pacing as he spirals.
"You guys were everything to me! And it's not that I don't like you as you are now, I do, you're great and you're like a new family to me -- but you're not the family I grew up with! You're right, you're not my Sensei, and you'll never be him no matter how hard you try! He was a fierce, stoic leader of the apocalypse; he led armies and fought alien monsters everyday of his life and he only had one arm! You are not him, and no matter what happens, this world will never be the one I knew. So you will never be the Leo I knew. You'll never become my Sensei..."
Leo looks down at the ground sadly, hand reaching up and rubbing at his elbow. He looks guilty, if not a little sick to his stomach.
"...Casey, I --"
"And I get why you didn't want me to talk to them about the future, but what does it matter now?! It's never going to happen! I'll never see my family again! Why shouldn't I tell Donnie about all the amazing things he did and created?! Why shouldn't I tell Mikey about how cool he was and how he could fly?! And don't you think Raph would like to know that he was a respected hero?! Or that I should tell April that she was the most kick-butt commander and the youngest human to lead a frontline attack ever?! And don't you think I deserve a chance to ask my Mom questions about her life?! Do you know how crazy and weird this whole thing is for me?! DO YOU?!"
Leo flinches at Casey's volume.
"I... I'm sorry..."
"Dude, I am losing my MIND!" Casey screams, throwing his hands up in the air before wringing them through his hair. "Everyone treats me like the plague! They have no idea what to say to me, and I have no idea what to say to them! If I don't talk to someone about my life, about the things I did, or the people I loved and grew up with, I'm gonna explode! I can't just pretend that they didn't exist! I can't just pretend that my Sensei didn't exist!"
Leo looks pale, like he might puke. Something about the idea of 'not existing'... Casey doesn't notice though, and continues.
"And it HURTS! It hurts how I can't talk about them, about myself, about any of it!! And it wouldn't hurt so much if I could see them again, it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't know that they were totally gone! But they are now! I didn't even get a freaking choice about it, I was literally thrown into THIS WHOLE SITUATION and -- I have nothing anymore! No pictures, no family photos or letters or anything! My childhood home doesn't exist, my life doesn't exist, I MIGHT NOT EXIST NOW. Do you even know the existential dread I have about an alternate timeline me being born?! Everything about the future has changed, and..."
Casey's fists shake as hot tears streak down his bright red and infuriated cheeks.
"...and that means that I'll never, EVER see my family again. You can't be the Leonardo I knew. You never will be. He's dead and gone and erased from existence. And I'm stuck here with that knowledge. I love you guys, I really do, but... you'll never be what I want. You can never be the people I loved the most, and... I don't want you to be them. You can't replace them, and even if you could, I'd never want you to have to go through what they did to become who they became. I'm not asking for that, I don't want that, I just... I don't want to dishonor their memory by ignoring them. I don't want to forget them."
Casey heaves a hot and angry breath, grunting and growling before composing himself.
He stands there, glowering as Leo stands before him, frozen stiff. The two of them are still reeling from Casey's outburst. Finally, when it gets just awkward enough, Casey brings his eyes up to the leader.
"...Well? Don't you have something to say?" he asks, glaring at Leo.
He was ranting so much, he didn't even really look at him. Now he is.
Leo looks very, very small.
The slider refuses to meet Casey's eyes, simply holding himself sheepishly and looking very guilty. His head is slowly retracting into his shell. His forehead is wrinkled, his lips pursed and tight. His feet shuffle in the sand, moving back and forth as he tries to force himself to speak.
"...You're right," he mumbles. "Of course you're right. I... I had no just cause to make you stay quiet. It was totally unfair, and you should be able to talk about it. So... go ahead. You can talk about it."
Casey stares at Leo. He's... letting him win the argument? Why? He didn't yell that hard at him, did he? Leo kicks the sand as he continues.
"...I mean, I can't really stop you from talking about it anyways. You're your own dude, and I'm not your Sensei, like you said... I should never have asked that of you in the first place. I'm sorry."
Casey feels uneasy about this. Yes, he's relieved he got what he wanted, but something in the way Leo is taking this... rolling over and acting all wounded and weird. Giving up and giving in too easily.
Leo isn't like this.
He's cocky and confident and stubborn.
What's going on?
"Leo --"
"A-and I'm sorry," Leo continues, voice cracking slightly. "I'm really sorry for everything you had to put up with and all the stupid stuff I put you through, and --"
"Leo, wait, I --" Casey tries again.
"I just didn't want to freak them out over the whole 'dying in awful ways' part of the future, but since that's not going to happen anymore, and... who knows, maybe they'll take it better than I did, I mean... i-it wasn't their fault, and --"
"Wait, what do you mean 'their fault'?" Casey questions.
Leo finally looks at him. Casey can see the strain in his eyes from how he's trying to keep from crying.
".....Nothing. F-forget I mentioned it," Leo mutters, turning to walk away.
"No, wait," Casey says, grabbing his arm and tugging him back. "I got a chance to yell, now you should too. What's going on? What aren't you telling me?"
Leo doesn't look back at Casey.
"I don't have anything to say. You're right. I was wrong. End of story."
His lips curl and he pulls his arm away.
"I'm... I'm so sorry, Casey. I never meant to hurt you, I just... I don't know..."
"Neither do I. What's going on with you?" Casey asks.
Leo doesn't respond, apart from a sharp inhale and shaky exhale.
He takes one of the katanas and slices a portal open.
"....I think maybe I should just go. I.... I need to be alone."
Leo steps through the portal, and Casey hears him mutter under his breath.
"...it would probably be better for everyone if I just left, anyways..."
Casey yelps in protest, but Leo vanishes before he can get him to stay and talk it out.
He grumbles. Why can't Leo ever just listen?
No, he did listen. That's not the problem.
The problem is he won't talk.
....Maybe he and his Sensei are more alike than he thought...
.
.
.
Casey peeks around the corner and watches as his Sensei is getting patched up by his twin, 'Uncle Tello.' The purple-clad turtle mutant grumbles as he pulls items from his all-purpose overalls and adjusts Leo's prosthetic arm.
"And how long has it been acting up like this?" Donatello asks.
"Not that long," Leonardo says, clearly lying through his teeth.
"Leo. How long."
"Um.... maybe.... a month?"
Donatello smacks Leonardo upside the head.
He growls as he pulls the arm off of his brother's shoulder, revealing a long halo of rust and torn flesh from where the metal in the robot arm has been digging and scraping.
"....Leo."
"Yeah?"
"I don't think I have to tell you that this is not satisfactory."
Leonardo chuckles.
"Heh heh, yeah... I figured."
"Did you know how bad it was?" Uncle Tello asks him, though the question is so laced with irritation that it sounds more like an interrogation.
"Sort of." Leonardo shuffles in his seat on Uncle Tello's desk. "I knew it hurt, and that it needed repairs... but, uh..."
Leonardo tilts his head to get a better look at the wounds.
"Yeah, that's pretty gross. Sorry, hermano."
Donatello grumbles and gags as he cleans the injuries and disinfects them. Everyone knows that Donatello prefers machines to humans, and Leo is the medic of the two. Donatello hates the sight of blood. He gags again as he scrapes the dried blood off of Leonardo's arm stub and cleans it with antibiotics and antibacterials.
"You know, this is how you get tetanus or septicaemia or --"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it Dee..."
"I don't think you do. Something like blood poisoning in the apocalypse is not to be taken lightly, 'hermano'. And this is the third time you've stalled on coming to me for repairs. What's wrong?"
Casey sees his fearless leader hang his head in shame before covering it with his non-robot hand.
"I just... I knew we were low on supplies, and didn't want to bother you."
Uncle Tello looks at Leonardo with an expression Casey Jones Jr. cannot name. Regret? Anger? Confusion? Sadness? Maybe all at once? Donatello is never easy to read. But there is a hint of understanding in his eyes as his brow furrows a bit more.
"...Is this about --" he pauses, swallowing before whispering the rest, just quiet enough so that Casey has to strain to hear the words. "Is this about what happened with Raph?"
"Maybe," Leo whimpers. "...Yeah."
"That wasn't your fault. He was just too injured, and... there wasn't anything we could do for him."
Leonardo grips onto Donatello and cries into his overalls. Donatello holds him and rubs his scarred shell.
"But if you'd had the supplies you needed -- If I hadn't taken the last of it for my arm --"
"Leo, you went on a three-day trek by yourself to try and save him."
Leonardo looks up at Donatello. He's trembling. Uncle Tello rolls his eyes and pats him on the back, a mechanical arm reaching out to hand him a tissue. Leonardo chuckles as he takes it.
"...Why haven't you said anything about this? Why didn't you tell anyone you felt this way?"
"There's more important things in this war than my regret," Leo mumbles.
Uncle Tello raises a drawn-on eyebrow.
"That's dum-dum talk. And you know it."
"Donnie, I'm serious. They need me to be a strong and stoic leader, and I don't have time to just sit around moping --"
"And you think we have time for this kind of thing? Where you refuse to address what's wrong and you let it fester until you end up fainting after a meeting because the pain from your prosthetic was too much?"
Leonardo stays silent.
"...Kick a mutant while he's down, why don't ya."
Donatello huffs an exasperated sigh.
"I don't want you to end up like Raph. You need to tell me if something is wrong. If not me, then Dr. Feelings."
"Pizza Supreme, no," Leo jokes. "I'll try to do better."
"You'd better."
Leonardo chuckles as Donatello finishes with the bandages on his stub and shoulder, then moves onto the prosthetic. Casey continues to watch nervously from around the corner until his Sensei turns and sees him. He smiles and motions for him to come forward. CJ climbs up to sit on his lap and stares up at his Sensei.
He looks so much older than he really is. His tattered and worn mask has tear stains and wrinkles. He's pale and tired. Casey hugs him, hoping the hug will help him to feel better. It's what Master Michelangelo would do. He vaguely recalls Raphael hugging him as well.
Sensei Leonardo hugs him back, rubbing his hand over his spine. Everything will be fine, he'll get better and he won't cry as much because the world is not lost and it may be sad, but everything will work out.
Casey hugs his dad tighter.
.
.
.
Raph relaxes happily, watching as Donnie builds a miniature civilization in sand. Mikey had run up a few minutes earlier and asked to join in the fun. Don had reluctantly allowed Mikey to assist, gathering water and mixing it with sand. He was having a fun time playing with the muck and splashing it around before passing handfuls to Donatello, who used it like brick and mortar in his tiny colony.
Raph smiles every time Mikey cackles with his sensory beach sludge entertainment. He smiles when Donatello finishes a new house and in self-congratulation throws his head back and yells 'I've done it again!' like a mad scientist before calming and moving on to the next one. He smiles when Mikey finds pebbles and shells in the sand and offers to help decorate a few of the buildings, which Donatello agrees to. Mikey's sense of colour and design is still on point, and his additions to the homes make the tiny kingdom the envy of the world. He even uses his claws to create delicate and intricate indented drawings and designs on the walls, like vines climbing up the castle towers or brick patterns or flowers or stars. The two work in tandem to make the town a masterpiece.
Even though the trip was unplanned, everyone is enjoying it immensely. April promised to come down today after classes. Cassandra suggested that she might also hang out after a mission taking down another sub-par plot from the Foot Clan. He hopes they can make it. April loves the sun and sand and surf; and while Raph isn't sure how Cass feels about it, he thinks that she could use a nice rest and vacay.
At the very least, he's glad that his brothers are enjoying it!
"...Raph! Raph!"
...He didn't just jinx it all, did he?
Raphael turns to see Casey Jr. running up to him.
Mikey sees Casey running and whistles a chirp at him to say 'hello'.
Donatello waves a mechanical arm at him in greeting.
"What's up, CJ?" Raph asks with a smile.
"Rrrracing again?" Mikey asks.
"No, no... I was just... I need to talk to Raph..."
He turns to Raphael and speaks in a much quieter tone.
"Something's off with Leo," he pants. "I... I just had an argument with him..."
"That's not out of the ordinary," Raph jokes halfheartedly.
He regrets the joke immediately when Donnie glares up at him.
Donnie told Raph about the many times he and Mikey had been forced to listen to their screaming matches. And before his mutation, Mikey had also sort of more-or-less-very-vaguely-so-as-not-to-worry him-mentioned to Raph that their arguments may or may not have caused a few restless sleeps and nights where Mikey would just cry himself to bed. He didn't say that exactly, and he wouldn't outright admit it, but Raph had long since learned to read between the lines. He is fairly certain that Mikey couldn't even remember that conversation now, much less the many arguments he'd overheard before the invasion. Raph secretly hopes that is one thing he'll never recall...
"This was different," Casey remarks. "It wasn't even a fight, it was more of just me yelling and Leo simply taking it. He didn't fight back. He didn't even really say anything."
"What did you argue about?" Raph asks, concern growing.
"Just... the same old stuff," Casey mumbles. "I was mad because he didn't want me to talk to you guys about the future."
"Why not?" Raph is sure he already knows the answer.
"He thought that knowing how things ended for everyone would kind of... mess you up."
Casey sighs.
"Saying it out loud... it makes sense. But, not everything that happened was bad! A lot of it was just... hiding in bunkers and hanging out. Movie nights. Scouting."
Raph nods slowly. He knows that the future was scary, but even still... Casey shouldn't bottle it up. He might overshare and trauma-dump on occasions, but that's common for people who have been through a lot.
"So, what did Leo say?" Raph inquires.
"He said I could talk about it with you guys now."
"Just like that?" Raph asks, surprised.
Leo had -- in an inebriated state from the painkillers -- told Raph a Cliffnotes version of what Casey had told him. Everyone dies fighting the Krang. He knew that was why Leo had sacrificed himself, and he knew that was why he'd asked Casey Jr. not to bring that stuff up again.
"Just like that," Casey nods. "He was mostly quiet, and took it like a sad puppy. And then when I asked him if he had anything to say about it... he just went on a rambling apology. I've never seen him so... I don't even know what word to use. Remorseful, maybe?"
As much as Raph is glad that Leo had relented with CJ... This didn't sound like something he'd do. At least, he wouldn't be so meek about it! Casey is right, something must be off.
"Where did he go?" Raph asks.
"He portaled away. He said he wanted to be alone, and then... something about 'it being better for everyone' or something."
Raph immediately gets up.
"Donnie."
Donatello looks up from his architecture.
"Raph," he answers, matching the tone but with no seriousness behind it.
"Where's Leo's tracker?" Raph urges.
Donnie looks down at his wrist and mutters.
"Good news, he's somewhere on the island. It looks like he's near the north side. His altitude is inclining, so I suspect that he is climbing up the mountain."
Raph nods.
"Okay. Can you give me your wrist tech so I can track him?"
Donnie scoffs.
"As if I would let you touch something so precious that by this point it counts as a part of my person!"
Raph growls low.
"But I can send you a link to the tracking program."
Donnie taps away for a moment before a ping on Raph's phone lets him know that he now has access to at least Leo's tracker. Raphael nods with a grunt to let Donnie know he got it, and walks towards the beach.
"Sh-should I come with?" Casey asks, cautiously stepping after him.
"Nah, Raph's got this," he replies, waving a hand nonchalantly at him. "I'll call if something's up. But I get the feeling this is a brother situation."
Mikey turns to see him go and churrs. Raph pats him on the head to assure that everything is okay before going through the rainbow archway and trekking into the jungle.
.
.
.
Raph wanders across the wooded lands, following the tracker. The glowing blue image of his younger brother's face travels in circles around the center of the island. It takes Raphael longer than he'd like to admit to realize that he's climbing a looping path around the mountain and not just playing ring-around-the-rosie with the ginormous hill. Raph passes a troop of monkeys that hoot at him as he walks through their territory. Leo's icon continues to go around and around and around. Raphael gets tired of walking and wonders if he's even going in the right direction. He climbs a tree to get a better view. While climbing up he meets a family of toucans. One squawks loudly at him.
"Pardon me, folks," he says before continuing upwards.
Raph looks past the branches and sees the lay of the land. He can clearly see the island's dormant volcano, tall and towering into the sky. He spots something like a ledge around it, several cliffs that bunch together and lead upwards. He wonders if he could see Leo climbing it...
Nope. Can't see jack squat. Especially with his eye...
Raph climbs down and heads toward the volcano. After an hour or so, his phone chimes. Leo's icon has halted on the mountain trail, off-center towards the north-east.
The icon doesn't move from there, it stays stationary. Raph is curious, but relieved that he doesn't have to chase Leo all over the island.
He keeps going for the mountain, traversing across canyons, rivers, a lake here and there, sand pits, tropical gardens with flowers he's never seen before and spiders that almost look as big as Big Mama and snakes that are long and fat and could probably swallow him whole.
Oh, and a few more monkeys. Man, this island is really populated.
Raph eventually makes it to the volcano, and starts climbing up the cliffside before finding a rocky pathway that leads near to the top.
He walks along the path, rounding the mountain for quite a while. He wonders why Leo just walked along this path rather than portaling to the top. It's so boring and arduous...
And quiet.
Raph finds himself thinking about things, enjoying the peace and contemplating the events of the day, the week, the month, the year. It's calm, and he can almost hear his own thoughts as he continues to walk. At some point, he realizes that the reason he can hear his thoughts is because he's been talking to himself, making company with his own voice as he tries to entertain his mind. He talks about everything that's been on his mind, from the latest issue of Jupiter Jim, to worrying over Mikey. It's somewhat therapeutic, actually, getting to be alone and think things through...
Oh. So this is why Leo walked instead of portaling.
Raph is about to die of exhaustion and boredom when he turns a curve and sees a ledge leading out, overlooking the island.
Leo sits on the edge of the cliff, chin resting on his knee as his mask tails float calmly in the breeze.
"Hey, Leo."
The slider turns slowly, movements somewhat sluggish and melancholic. He feigns a smile.
"Hey. I saw you coming up."
"Mind if I sit?" Raph requests.
"It's a free island," Leo shrugs.
"Good, cuz' Raph's about to pass out," the snapping turtle gasps, slumping besides his red-eared slider brother as he works to catch his breath.
He waits in silence for Leo to say something. Leo's always the one to start a conversation, just like how he's always the one to try and have the last word.
But Leo is quiet. That's not a good sign.
Raph looks over at him. He looks kind of like how he did during the first month post-Krang.
Tired. Emotionless. You could almost mistake his demeanour for serenity, but he's separated from the others. Casey probably picked the perfect word. Remorseful. Something is holding him back.
"You okay?" Raph asks.
Leo had apparently been zoning out, and jumps a little at Raphael's voice.
"Yeah. Well... no. I mean..."
He turns to look at his brother.
"I don't know, actually. Physically, I'm fine. But mentally, emotionally? I'm not sure what to say."
"Well, start simple. Are these good feelings or bad ones?"
Leo looks away, concentrating on the ocean before them.
"...Probably bad."
"Oh. Wanna talk about it?"
Leo smiles a bit before bringing his dangling leg up from over the edge, burying half of his face behind his knees and wrapping his arms around them, attempting to bundle himself together.
"Casey talked to you, didn't he?"
"Yeah. He said you guys had a spat."
Leo chuckles.
"You could say that."
"He said you were acting strange after. I just wanted to check up on ya."
Raphael places a hand on Leo's back, scooting in a bit closer.
"You can tell me about what's bothering you. I'm here to listen."
Leo glances out of the corner of his eyes to look at Raph. His brother smiles at him, trying to make him feel safe and comfortable.
"...I guess I felt badly. About what I put Casey through. And I started thinking about what I put everyone through, and then he mentioned that I'll never be the Leo he knew, and... he's right. And it's stupid, because it will never happen, but... I'm terrified of what he would say if he saw me."
"Who? Casey's Leo?" Raph asks.
"Yeah I know, it's a dumb 'what-if', but I'm scared all the same. He was this huge monument, the king of the end of the world, a hero and an inspiration, yadda yadda yadda, more apocalypse propaganda. But I'm the guy who almost doomed humanity. I'm the guy that was so stupid and cocky that I got you captured. The brother that got Mikey and Donnie trapped in a tunnel with a monster train. The leader that brought the key to the Krang. I'm --"
"Okay, I get it," Raph says, stopping him from continuing. "But Leo, that wasn't your fault. You didn't know what that thing was, you couldn't have! You ain't psychic, and you did your best."
Raph sighs.
"...And part of it's my fault too, I pushed you too hard. I gave you the wrong idea about what being a 'hero' means. I just wanted you to take things a little more seriously and be responsible, but you just sacrificed yourself! That was a selfless thing to do, sure, and maybe you were just trying to take responsibility for us, but I never meant..."
He pauses, thinking maybe he stumbled across something he didn't mean to when Leo starts crying. Raph panics.
"Leo? What? What did I say?"
Leo can't speak for a moment, and Raph holds him close. Leo just shakes, crying into his big brother for what feels like an eternity. Raph can feel him holding in the sobs, desperately catching his breath to force out a meager sentence.
"...I ...I thought I was gonna die..."
Raph nods, stroking Leo's shell in long strides to soothe him. He knows that Leo knew what he was getting himself into. He knows Leo understood what being trapped in the Prison Dimension with the Krang Prime meant. He knows Leo knew that his sacrifice was just that, a sacrifice. He knows what Leo thought was going to happen.
"...I wanted it."
Raph stops. His hands freeze in place, his breathing halts, his head goes numb. He slowly looks down at Leo, shaking and sobbing in his arms.
"I... I wanted it to end. At first I expected it, I was just waiting for it to happen... I kept waiting. But... then I almost begged him for it! Because it just hurt and hurt and hurt, a-and --"
Raph is trying to calm him down, stroking Leo's head gently.
"Leo, that's not --"
"And I thought about the hurt I put you through! How much trouble I cause, how many times my stupid ego got in the way, and -- and I'm sorry!"
Leo wails, clinging onto Raph as tight as he can, afraid that if he lets his brother go he'll leave him like the sorry, pathetic, wretched little pest that he is.
"I'm so sorry! I'll always be sorry, I know I screwed it all up, I know I failed, I know I -- I know, and I'm sorry, I'm just -- just -- sorry..."
To Leo's surprise, Raphael pulls him even closer, matching his tight embrace. Raph's tail curls around them both. Leo can hardly catch his breath, but he's grateful for the tight hold that Raph has him in. It grounds him, it keeps him safe, he can't think about the infinite failures and the monsters waiting for him in the Prison Dimension if Raphael is protecting him like this.
"I wanted to... to make up for what happened.... I hoped that... that maybe it would..."
"No."
Raph squeezes him tighter, forcing him to stop.
"No. No. That wouldn't... Leo, how could you even think...?"
"I thought you'd all be better off without me--" Leo whimpers.
"No!" Raph says again, pulling Leo away from his chest.
Leo whines, trying to get back into the embrace, wanting to have his brother's comfort but afraid to see his face or meet his eyes.
"I just -- I hate myself, Raph," he admits. "I just hate everything about myself. I hate what I do to this family, I hate the kind of leader I am, I hate how I can never be real and always make stupid corny jokes, I hate how scared I always am, I hate it, I hate me, I hate --"
"Leo," Raph says, lowering his head to try and get him to meet his eyes. "I don't know how to make you understand, but I love everything you hate about yourself."
Leo stares up at him.
"Sure, you being scared sucks, but everyone gets scared."
"I feel like I'm scared all the time, now..."
"I can help you with that. And I may be self-projecting here, but I think the fear you have now is mostly just about us and your role as leader, right?"
Leo nods, bowing his head low as he rests it against Raph's chest.
"You love your family and you care about them," Raph continues. "You're smart and you see every angle. That's what makes you a great leader. I love the kind of leader you are. I really do. I was never really that good at being leader --"
"You were a great leader!" Leo counters.
"And so are you," Raph smiles. "I was terrified as leader, and usually I ended up causing all kinds of problems. Remember the hippo costume? The F.A.B. four? Or how I had us trust Big Mama? Or any of the other countless times I screwed up?"
Leo chuckles softly.
"Point made. But Raph --" Leo looks up at him, eyes wet and sparkling, "I really did like you as leader. You fit the role better than I ever could."
"But Pops chose you to be the leader. And I honestly have to agree with him. You might not like it, but you have the head for it."
Leo sighs and nuzzles against Raph's chest. His older brother rocks him back and forth as he continues.
"And I love your jokes too, man. You always crack me up, and you make even the scariest situations seem normal. Maybe it's not the best coping mechanism, but definitely not the worst. And for real, your jokes are hilarious, not stupid."
Raph feels Leo smile a little against his plastron. He can also feel tears streaming down Leo's face.
"And Leo. This family would be nothing without you."
"But --"
"Ah-ah-ah!" He stops Leo before he can argue the fact. "NOTHING. Without you. I mean that. You've saved our skins countless times. You take charge in ways I never could when I was leader. Our bros listen to you, dude. And beyond being a leader, we love you because you're our brother. And even beyond that, we will always love you because you are our Leo."
"But, Raph..."
Leo reaches up and traces the crack in his plastron, the hole in his shell. The scars under his mask.
"...Your eye..."
"It'll heal," he says with a smile. "And it was not your fault. Stop blaming yourself for something that was not your fault and start seeing yourself the way I do. Leo, I wouldn't even BE HERE if it weren't for you! You pulled me out of the Krang, you got me back to normal! You got me home."
Leo looks up at him, eyes searching for anything to say that Raph is insincere, or hiding some anger or blame. He could search for eternity. He'd never find anything other than love.
Leo bursts into tears and wraps himself around Raph again.
"I'm sorry, I'm so so so so sosososososo so sorry.....!"
"I know, bud."
Raphael holds Leo close.
"I know you're sorry... But I love you too much to let you stay in these thoughts. Tell me what I have to do to help, and I will."
Leo is quiet for a moment before looking up at him with a pout.
"Carry me back?"
Raph laughs as he picks Leo up and carries him on his shoulders back down the mountain.
"Sure thing, bud. So long as you fight those intrusive thoughts, okay?"
Leo nods, hugging Raph again.
"Whatever you say, leader."
"I'm serious. I don't like the way you've been treating yourself."
"I'm not exactly having the time of my life about it, either."
"Leo," Raph scolds.
"Sorry, but you said you liked my jokes!"
"Yeah, yeah," Raph chuckles, hopping over a light crevice in the path. "But for real, we gotta work on this. You need to stop beating yourself up and cut yourself some slack. If you can forgive me for everything stupid I did when I was leader, and for all the hurt I caused when I was krangified, then why can't you forgive yourself?"
Leo pauses, wrapping his arms under Raph's chin and resting his cheek on his face. He thinks it over.
"...I dunno. I guess I should, but I feel like hold myself to a different standard than you guys. I can forgive you because I know you never meant anything cruel or bad."
"And you didn't either, right?" Raph questions.
"That's the thing," Leo sighs. "I don't really mean any malice behind my dumb decisions, but I know every reason for those decisions. I can't give myself the benefit of the doubt or any grace for what happened because I know every dark detail. Even if it isn't a big thing, even if it's just a stupid mistake, like I spilled the milk or something. I still should have known better. I expect better. I can't control what you guys do, but I can control what I do, so that means I should be better about everything."
Leo pouts.
"And I'm not."
"Leo, you've only been leader for maybe a year and a half by this point," Raph reminds him. "And you had to fight a whole alien invasion, and you're only sixteen. Most sixteen year olds just have to worry about their drivers' exam, not stopping a war or battling mutants!"
Leo sighs.
"I guess you're right... but I can't really help feeling this way."
"You gotta get out of your head, man."
"I know," Leo mopes. "I just... don't know how."
"I'll help you figure it out," Raph promises. "We all will."
.
.
.
Casey paces across the sandy shores, walking along the waters' edge. The waves creep up and try to attack his feet, but he steps out of the way before they can get to him. He's been pacing for a while. Raph hasn't come back yet. Leo hasn't come back yet. Every ten minutes, Casey would ask to see the tracker and would check on them. After the seventeenth time, though, Donnie got sick of it and sent him a link to the trackers as well.
Casey looks down at the tracker on his phone again.
The two had finally met up and paused at one location for a long time before leaving together down the mountain. It looks like they finally reached the bottom, and are trekking out of the jungles.
Casey paces again.
The tide laps up and tries to get his toes. Casey steps out of the way. The tide retreats.
Casey paces.
He shouldn't have gotten so mad. He shouldn't have yelled. He didn't mean to make such a mess...
Casey avoids the waves again and watches them slide back into the water.
Casey doesn't pace. He watches.
The waters bubble and foam, tiny tides folding over each other and spilling into one another. They float back and forth, getting closer with each wave. They leave traces of the foam and bubbles in the sand as they recede. Tiny clams or sand crabs are revealed as the water erodes the gravel, but they crawl back under the sand quickly to be hidden away again before a bird can get them. Tiny fish with silver scales swim in schools in the deeper areas of the water. The waves crash again, coming closer to attack his feet.
This time, he lets them.
The water runs over his sandals. It's a little cold, but not uncomfortable. The foam covers his toes, grit gets stuck under his feet, a stray strand of seaweed wraps around his ankle. He sinks in a little as the waves drag trace amounts of the sand out from under his shoes.
Casey hears a rustling from behind him, and Raphael saunters out with Leonardo climbing off of his shoulders.
They're talking, smiling. Though Leo looks exhausted.
Casey runs up to the duo.
"Raph! Leo!"
Raph turns and waves him down, smiling brightly. Leo shrinks and looks guilty again.
Casey slows and fidgets with his hands as he approaches them, unsure of what to say. Raph turns to see Leo hiding behind him and breathes loudly through his nose. He turns back to Casey, and rolls his eyes at the awkward tension in the air. This won't do. He pulls Casey a little closer and directs him to Leo.
"We talked. Now you two talk. Patch things up. Leo, don't hold back. He needs to know. When you two are done, come and find us so we can talk it over with Donnie and Mikey and Pops --"
"I-I don't want Mikey to know yet," Leo whispers. "He's already got enough on his mind, and I doubt he'd understand... I don't want him to worry."
Raph stares him down.
"Fine. That's your call. But Donnie and Pops should know. And I think we should also tell April too, but that's your decision. She'd wanna know."
Leo nods in melancholy agreement. Raph waves again at Casey before heading towards the portal.
Casey and Leo stand awkwardly, each one shuffling their feet and shifting their weight while they try to find the words they want to say.
"Casey--"
"Leo--"
They both pause.
"You first," Casey offers.
"Okay. Um... I-I'm sorry for... everything. Again."
"I don't care about that anymore, I wanna know why you were acting weird and why you ran away," CJ responds.
Leo swallows. Casey can see he's shaking a little.
"I... I needed some time alone. I've not been... honest about my mental state as of late."
"What do you mean?"
Leo spills his guts to Casey about how ever since he told him about the future, ever since he discovered that the Krang killed everyone in the alternate timeline, he's been tormented by thoughts of how worthless he was, how much better for everyone it would be if he just... stopped existing. Leo can hardly even say the actual word, he can barely admit that he's been struggling with thoughts about his own life and whether or not he actually deserves to live. About whether or not he wants to.
Casey is silent the entire time. But things start to make sense.
So that's why he didn't want the others to know about the future... That's why he hated it everytime Casey brought it up.
Leo starts rambling, the words spilling out like vomit. At one point he mentions that he feels like he might actually throw up. Casey sits him down and helps to calm him. He still feels pretty queasy, but he continues to ramble. Part of Leo wishes he would just puke already. Maybe then he'd stop talking about this. Leo wants to stop talking, for once in his life -- but he can't seem to find the off switch in his brain and he just continues to sob and over-explain himself.
And Casey listens carefully. He sits it out and listens to every stammer and stutter and deep dark reveal that Leo has to offer.
Leo finally calms down, panting and heaving from the overly-exerting talk and the sick feeling in his stomach. But he feels lighter. It's good to get it all out and off his chest. He hates that he had to show this part of him; he feels like he revealed a horrible secret or a deadly weakness within him. But he's glad that he did, all the same.
He waits for Casey to respond. He sits beside him, quiet and patting his shell.
"...Feel better?" he whispers.
Leo nods.
"Yeah, actually. Thanks for sitting through all that," Leo chuckles half-heartedly.
CJ smiles at him, wrapping an arm around the turtle in a side-hug.
"That's what family does, dude."
"Some family I've been," Leo mumbles. "I treated you awful."
"You were scared and hurting," Casey states. "It's no excuse, but under the circumstances I can understand why you reacted the way you did. We'll call it even."
Leo huffs a soft breath that Casey interprets as a chuckle.
"So, uh... what now?" Leo asks. "I mean, I do not want to talk anymore, if I'm honest. I'm exhausted."
"Makes sense," CJ remarks. "I guess it's my turn to talk, anyway."
He clears his throat, and Leo prepares himself for another scolding about why he should have let him talk about his family, or another heartbreaking recount of the events of the bad timeline, or something terrible that he deserves because he deserves to hurt, deserves to suffer, he's a good for nothing wretched little pest.
"I'm sorry for what I said."
Leo's mouth softly falls open. He, uh... he wasn't expecting that.
"I shouldn't have said those things. I was angry and I wanted to get my point across, so I intentionally hurt you. The same way I did when we were in the tunnel and I told you about how it all ended. And that wasn't cool of me. I was being a jerk, and you didn't deserve that."
"...Well, I was being a jerk too," Leo articulates. "I needed the reality check."
"Yeah, but I could have been better about it. I was spiteful, and angry, and what I said was brutal. And you held on to that, and you shouldn't have. It wasn't your fault, dude. None of it. None of the attack, invasion, the krang -- none of that was because of you."
"...I wish I could believe you on that," Leo mutters. "But it was my fault. I was stupid and self-absorbed and I let them get away with the key. It was my screw-up that almost doomed humanity."
Casey looks back at Leo, who is slowly slinking into his shell again.
"...Y'know, there was this one mission that me and my Sensei went on," Casey says quietly. "We were supposed to help these refugees back to our hideout. But I got cocky and reckless... I almost screwed it all up. I thought I could get everyone out safely in one night, and I unintentionally alerted the Krang to our location. I could have gotten everyone killed, including Sensei. You. And I went through a lot of negative stuff afterwards. But then... Sensei told me something important."
"...What did he say?" Leo asks with hesitance.
"He said that I wasn't a bad person. He said I was just fifteen. Well, at the time I was. I didn't get it back then, but now I do. I was just a stupid kid who was trying to be bigger than I actually was. And I'm still a stupid kid. The point is, you're still growing up and learning how to be yourself and you'll make dumb mistakes. That's what makes us teenagers. So you should learn from the mistake, but let it go. Cuz' at the end of the day... it was just a mistake."
Leo stares at him before looking out over the water as the sun slowly starts to set.
He smiles.
"...Huh."
He slowly stands up and wipes the sand off before offering a hand to Casey.
"Come on. Raph'll be wondering where we are."
CJ takes his hand, and the two walk back to the hotel to explain to the others about Leo's dilemma and healing.
"Oh, and Casey?"
"Yeah?" CJ answers, pausing to make sure that Leo is okay.
Leo smiles. A genuine, bright smile. He's okay.
"Thanks for telling me that story."
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#tw mentions of suicidal thoughts#tw angsty leo#this was a difficult topic for me to write about#but i'm glad i conquered it#oh hey btw you are loved#you are important#and we care for you#don't ever forget it#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt fanfiction#rottmnt fanfic#rottmnt leo#rottmnt casey jr#rottmnt casey jones#rottmnt casey junior#rottmnt raph#double mutated mikey#double mutation mikey#fanfic update#fanfic rec#fanfics#fanfiction#fanfic#angsty fanfic#angsty leo#angsty casey jones jr#angst
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so now that all of this stuff is happening in the dc batfam thing, with batman 2016, #148, i am now going to put in MY say because obviously, i have the best perspective.
so first off, yeah. Dc messed things up with the jason and dying thing. like, there's no reason you should bring him back that fast, which brings me to talk about the complaints people have been saying about how death is treated to trivially in the comics world, and how,if a character dies, you leave them dead.
permanently.
and here's me view on that:
yeah, i would say that this move that dc pulled is an example of a simple money-views grab, and is cheap, and i don't like it. they need to simply create better stories, if they want more views/money.
which isn't to say that death should be eradicated completely from the comics world. if you've many comics at all, you know that there are a LOT od characters dying and coming back, in both marvel, vision, image and dc comics.
i woulnd't say that this is a bad thing. simply that it can be abused and overrused very easily.
take, for example, the x-men (if you don't know who they are, then god help you, i don't know what rock you've been living under). they die ALL THE TIME. someone's always getting brainwashed or turning evil or having a mental breakdown. it's like a soap opera, and im not exactly a fan. but the point is, x-men are dying all the time, but what i would say slightly redeems it, is they actually talk about it. they mention how people are always dying and coming back, and, i can recall a comic where Death is really tired with shipping all of the souls to hell, and then they all just leave anyway when they come back to life. it's frustrating, and she felt that all her work was going unnoticed and was, in the end, worthless.
then we have, on the dc side, the batfam, with everyone dying, and coming back and having breakups and getting back together, and yes, it's somewhat like a soap opera. but i didn't really mind it, right until this 148 disaster. Like, yeah, they've lost pretty much all respect 90% of the characters involved, and i am not liking this.
they should let jason be dead for at least three comics, and show how his death (again) affects the characters, not just have him get bitch-slapped, die, and bruce suddenly repents of all of the trauma he's given the kids.
anyway, i don't really remember where i was going with this post, except for the fact that at this point, i think marvel's better.
have some standards.
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Idea from this prompt: by @whumperofworlds
"What are you here for?" A guard asked me while I awaited my death. "You clearly don't seem to belong here. Your eyes tell me that."
"... Something." I muttered, trying to be polite. I knew full well what will become of me by the time the sun rises.
The people demand it. They demand something which they clearly didn't have full will over. I do not blame them.
"Don't be like this. There's a chance you would be set free." As much as I'd like to agree, I know that wouldn't be the case.
The crime of which I was accused is too heavy for that.
"No. There wouldn't be." I leaned back into the wall to steady my breathing. I need to focus. If there is any consolation, I'm alone in the dungeon.
"... I'm sorry."
"You're just doing your job. Don't worry about it." I walked into the cell and watched as the stars seemed to weep for me.
A child whose fate is tied with the destruction or the prosperity of the realm. It was true. However, the conqueror twisted it in a way that led people to believe I was the cause on why the realm was conquered.
When I've grown, I founded a family, a team. They didn't believe the lies. They were supposed to have my back.
Until they didn't.
All it took was just one incident. We barely escaped with our lives. The conqueror ensnared us with a trap that was many moons in the making.
They didn't realize how close they were to death, too blinded with blaming me for getting them into the mess. They were too filled with anger to realize that the planned path would have killed us all.
They surrendered me to the people, telling them how they shouldn't have given me a chance. How I hurt them.
It was enough to cause a turning point. Enough for them to call for my execution.
"You seem calm for someone falsely accused. Are you afraid of your death?"
I glanced up at the conqueror, indifference filling my eyes. I didn't even know when they'd walked in. "No. I keep on hearing the people demand for it. It was only a matter of time before this comes to pass."
My adversary merely narrowed their eyes as I was handed a bottle. "For your execution. It makes your blood flow much faster."
A couple of seconds passed by before I drank it. I had to suppress a cough due to its taste; throwing it up will only lead to more hurt.
Endure it. Take a breath. It'll all be over soon.
"I never wanted things to be this way. After all, you were such a wonderful asset. For everything to go somewhat well just because you're there?
"I really did expect you to die back there. But, I still won, didn't I?"
It was hard to keep my face passive, fighting the sting in my eyes as the betrayal stung again once more.
"I'll make sure your death will be quick."
And I was finally left alone. The only visitor who came by was the lone crow I'd raised since it was a hatchling.
The first rays of morning came by slow, as if the skies were trying to delay my death. But time waits for no one. The bell will declare my death in its time.
And with it, the death of the realm.
Foolish conqueror, when you made our realm submit and made us part of yours, the conditions remained the same. And now, my death will be the reason your own realm will fall. My lot is that.
I looked around at the crowd awaiting for my death. The ones I considered my family is brimming with vitriol.
My right hand and the healer took glances at me, one with contempt and the other with betrayal. Yet, I tried to keep my indifference. There's no point in being sad or hurt about it. Not anymore.
"Any last words?" The conqueror asked me as I stood on the platform.
I glanced at the crowd I so tried to keep safe. I closed my eyes to await for my death.
"I hope you remember the prophecy's exact words. Let those words be the one to reveal the circumstances, for my words mean nothing to you lot.
"We'll see if my destruction affects the realm in the way I think."
Silence filled the stage as the murmurs thundered. I knelt down, ready to face my executioner's sword.
"If there is blood on anyone's hands, it's on all of yours. You should have listened to them when you had the chance."
Everything started going dark as the blade plunged itself into my body, warmth leaving me as my blood flowed out faster than usual. There was a dull softness-healing magic-but I know it's too late.
If they had actually listened to my crow, they would have saved the realm.
But alas, it's all too late.
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She ra moments that also apply to thoschei
D: You'd rather I left you to die??
M: What do you care? I know you all hate me!
D: I've never hated you!
M: Then you're even dumber than I thought.
M: You should have stayed away, why did you come back? We both know that I don't matter.
D: I am not giving up on you, you matter to me!
D: I won't leave you behind again, this can't be what you wanted, please!
M: Don't you get it? I am never going to go with you!
D: You're going to destroy everything!
M: I don't care, I won't let you win, I'd rather see the whole end then let that happen!
D: Hold on, I'll save you! *trying to pull him off a cliff*
M: Oh Doctor, I don't want you to save me. *lets go*
D: Why are you doing this?!
M: Because you left me!
D: You were just going to leave?
M: I'm doing you a favor.
D: Please stay, I need you .
M: No you don't, you never have.
M: You made me this way and you get to be the good guy? Do you know what happened to me after you escaped? Do you even care? You couldn't wait to get away from here, from me!
M: All of this is your fault, admit it doctor, you made me this!
D: No it's not, I didn't make you pull the switch, I didn't make you do anything, you made your choice now live with it!
M: Why are you looking at me like that? Wait no, I know what this is about, I knew you'd be weird about me letting you escape, I told you it's not because I like you.
D: I mean I didn't say anything..
D: I miss you too
M: What? I don't miss you, get over yourself!
D: Not until you admit you like me
M: I don't like you.
M: The sad thing is I spent all this time hoping you'd come back, when really you leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me
D: Did you just jump into fire for me?
M: What? No, shut up
D: You did!
#doctor who#thoschei#catradora#doctor x master#she ra and the princesses of power#catra x adora#the doctor#the master#doctor who master#master doctor who#the master doctor who#adora x catra#spop adora#she ra adora#adora shera#spop catra#catra
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The Doctor turning into women and having romantic dalliances with men is every kind of queer...to me.
#EMH (pretending to be B'Elanna after having just SPRINTED down the hall): You wouldn't shoot a pregnant woman would you ??;;#Tuvok: (in the most 'give it up' tone possible) ...Come with Me doctor =_=#Tuvok gets docked points for falling for the ol' 'cough cough im sick' excuse but gains them all back by getting suspicious and starting#an investigation all on his own in the background <3#Also Janeway being held captive and being just kinda pissed about the whole situation...yeah#HEHEHE I like this episode it's funny but also the stakes are high#Janeway sort of smirking and doing the 'come here' motion when that alien man was like 'do you know how to fix this?' - her swag.....#Janeway (captive and stressed beyond belief about the warp core): Yeah I have time to serve dom vibes#Tuvok - Chakotay - Janeway: Each having uniquely bad days#(Worst Security disaster ever - Got put in a morgue for hours - Held captive and threatened with death: + Voyager stranded)#I know Chakotay was unconscious for the morgue thing but still#Chakotay: -opens his eyes to see Tuvok standing there-#(they share a look like 'yeah it's some LIFE THREATENING scooby doo bullshit again')#Hey Chakotay maybe next time don't tell the imposter that you know they're an imposter right to their face <3#Just some tactical strategy for next time <3 <- I love him I'm just being a bitch HEHEHE it was funny to me#Doctor: Hey I know we're in the middle of a serious thing here but like. Why don't we. You know. Hang out???#Janeway: -sharp intake of breathe- ......ohhhh I don't really...DO hanging out.#YAY NAR~!!!!! GET HIS ASS~!!!#Nar I hope you live a simple but fulfilling life as a junk dealer or whatever it is you were talking about god bless <3#Doctor: Now that I might die I have some last requests v_v Captain...throw my diary away. DO NOT. READ IT. Tuvok...I told Neelix about that#rash you got on your ass. We laughed about it for weeks. Sorry.#and then I smile and giggle and ass 'ass rash' to the Tuvok lore#SNRKEHEHE DAMN. HE GOT HARRY TOO???#'Sorry I said you sucked absolute shit at playing the saxophone. I should have phrased it more delicately...damn it. It all becomes so clea#when you face the end.' (Harry: You said w hat????) SEVEN-!!#Seven: Stay over there computer boy =_=#SNRKEHEHEHHEHHAHAHAH#Janeway:....Is he...? / B'Elanna: NO. I've got him =_= I just deleted all that spam. He's FINE.#livetweeting
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