Nerd banter with Tails yea!! I wanted to articulate this for the longest time- basically, up until.the introduction of Nine the only person Tails could've bud heads with regarding smart guy stuff and technology was Eggman, which aside from it being a grown ass adult beefing with a literal baby it's also ussually tied to a tiresome mission to save the world and twart the doctor's plans where Tails just rubs the always repeated failiture in
With Nine tho, not only is this the first time both of them can go full nerd mode and communicate without the need to simplify anything, they can also attempt to one up each other and sabotage and give a hint or a pitch for improvement with no actual stakes involved. (Also first time Nine's intellect was trully challenged, scary!!)
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it was always a strange dichotomy.
every middle school classmate i had told me i'd be a millionaire when i grew up, a Famouse Artisté. it's easy enough to imagine as a teen, i suppose: skill equals fame equals money. i was doubtful about this prophecy, not because i wasn't confident in my ability to draw, but because it was hard to imagine a world where i'd be paid for it.
it was an ice breaker game at summer camp. horrible one, really - everyone in a group were given a character profile. now we had to imagine that it was the zombie apocalypse, and the helicopter to safety was two seats short and we had argue why we deserved a spot. the character i got was an asshole doctor of some kind. i don't remember if i argued my way into the helicopter or not, but i do remember the feeling that's been hanging over me my entire life - if the apocalypse happens right now, i have nothing to contribute.
there's something really painful about it. i have cultivated a skill for my whole life, i can make art and tell stories that are entirely unique to me, there is no way to get someone else to create in the exact same way i can, and yet - i've contributed more to capitalist society by sitting in an empty hotel reception for eight hours a day.
which made me develop anxiety, to boot.
i illustrated two children's books. they're some of my best work. the contract i signed was industry standard and the indie author who had hired me was incredibly kind... but even after stock sold out i had earnt little more than some pocket change.
in high school we had an outing to dig our own snow caves that we would spend the night in. in teams, thankfully. i have so little physical strength to speak of, most i could do to help was clear away the snow rubble and toss it outside. i know, i know, my classmates reassured me it was an important job to do, i was an invaluable member of the group, sure - but it's that feeling, you know?
what would my task be in the communist solarpunk commune?
a person cannot be useless. it's a human being. they just exist, no ifs and buts about it. one can only be useless in the eyes of an ableist, capitalist society that sees no value in being alive beyond production and profit.
sometimes i receive messages from internet strangers to tell me something i said - often several years ago - was helpful to them. maybe it was a throwaway comment on a forum. maybe it was replying to a question they could've googled the answer to. maybe it was an encouraging reply to someone's artwork. turns out it mattered to someone. huh.
of course you can learn new skills. i have learnt plenty over the years! i have also learnt that there are limitations to what i can do. that some of the obstacles i face are not in fact obstacles everyone faces. it's not that i can't break tasks into smaller steps, it's more that half of those steps are going to be "rinse your hands because you Touched a Thing and now you're going to have to touch Another Thing." i wonder if that's adding to my cognitive load or something.
i was never raised to be a man, so by all accounts i do not understand why i'm so haunted by the spectre of toxic masculinity - what would i do if i was a medieval peasant and a war broke out? what if i was in a pre-historic hunter gatherer society and i was expected to hunt? what if i was a humble farm boy discovering the sword of the chosen one and the world depended on my non-existing courage to face certain death?
look, it's stupid. these are not scenarios i will find myself in. besides, pre-historic humans depended on community and taking care of each other. that's how we survive.
i'm not useless and i decided to make peace with being useless anyway.
we're surrounded by digital clocks. we can't really escape them. do we need watchmakers? would they save me a spot in the zombie apocalypse helicopter? no, don't answer that. i'm just happy i found something that requires a light touch and an observant eye.
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some ideas: nico’s rise (like sunrise), nico’s dawn, nico’s spark (like the fire)
I want it to be more about chronology. Like, the passage of time, the "natural" change of things. There's a sense in this book that the change is welcome, but a bit... dreaded. Because in the end, it's like she had no agency over the way her Clan's tune changed.
As inevitably as the sun rises, as the ice thaws in spring, things got better. She was able to finally see the changes she could make, but was still frustrated by all the things still out of her reach.
She's the same as she always was, but it's like the world turned around her. She's entered into a new season in her life, and only now will she decide what that means, going foward. She could not choose when the winter melted into spring, but maybe now, she will be able to select which flowers she will allow to grow.
So... maybe Nightcloud's Dawn, but something doesn't capture it quite perfectly yet.
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As Bev said though and is also on my mind. JR and my s/i Getting Along. The wresting thing was so good. Imagine you're trying to tell JR something, and you walk in on him fighting his guarddog the main security personnel and you swear that the personnel is GROWLING but JR is laughing like it's nothing. And when he sees you walk in, the security guy just shifts immediately, somehow signals to JR who is like "Oh! Hi!"
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