also. while i’m ranting about stupid shit in the tumblr tags.

☕️ + megumi and hojo?

(Give me a ☕️ + a character/ship and I’ll ramble off whatever thoughts and opinion I have about it)

Oho, interesting! Thanks for the ask!

Megumi Tadokoro

Megumi is a character I love and adore. She has given me no choice in that matter, lol. I cannot possibly dislike a character who portrays such a huge amount of real, genuine kindness. Adding to that, she's incredibly easy to relate to (I know that I am not the only one who does).

In my opinion Megumi has had some of the very best moments in all of Shokugeki, especially in it's earlier parts. The Shokugeki against Shinomiya in Trainings Camp is still my favorite battle in the whole manga after all. Her performance in the Autumn Election Premlins was also really satisfying and sweet to see. (Monkfish Preperation Scene Supremacy)

Tsukuda really did great on making Megumi a character that I really want to see succeed.....But that is where the problem comes in.

The problem is that Tsukuda struggles with the Show, Don't Tell-Rule from Central Arc onwards.

Pre-Central, Megumi's character development was solid in my opinion. It was believable and not too fast-paced. But once focus was shifted to Azami-Drama, Megumi and other characters had to take a little step back from the action. And Megumi's character arc started to stagnate.

Through Training Arc. Autumn Elections and Stagiares, Megumi had visibly gained some more confidence in herself and her stage fright problem from the beginning of the series was ceasing. However there was something missing: pay-off. Her character arc lacks proper pay-off.

You see, throughout all of Central Arc Megumi has not won any single fight on-screen. She was given one victory against Shigemichi Kumai but not even second of that fight was actually shown to the reader. But when it's time for a more detailed fight against Momo, she looses.

In her fight against Momo, the judges do find the time to point out tho that Megumi might hasn't been able to beat Momo however there is quote unquote ✨potential✨.

Thing is that the "potential"-thing has been getting old at that point. It felt very reminiscent to Megumi's fight against Ryo back in the Autumn Elections. Ryo was able to win, however it was made clear through multiple dialogue-lines that Megumi did give him a good fight, defying the expectations the audience had from her. So basically that fight was like: Yes, she lost now. But she is on the right path. There is a lot of potential.

The issue is that time has progressed ever since the AE and it was about time for us, the readers, to see that potential unfold.

But we never got that.

We get a lot, a lot of talking about Megumi's potential throughout Central Arc but never an actual showcase of it. And it does not get much better with BLUE Arc either (I mean, what do you expect from that trainwreck of an arc anyway?)

First off, despite all of her potential and her participation in the Regiment de Cuisine & the retaking of Totsuki as a whole Megumi somehow ends up with the lowest seat in the Neo-Elite 10??? And I'm just: Why??? Why is she the only explicitly ranked below Eizan & Nene (who got a massive downgrade) with everyone else far ahead? (Tho the Neo-Elite 10 Ranking as a whole is one confusing mess and I should probably stop trying to bring sense into it if I do not want to go insane, lol.)

The infamous Hot Spring Fight against a Noir is where we finally see Megumi shine a little on-screen (at least in the manga). And well....I enjoyed seeing that but...

It is still not the proper pay-off she deserves, I'm sorry. Because ultimately that Noir-Guy is some random One-Off we never saw again. And that's a problem.

This character had no time establishing himself to us. We barely know him.

To put it into perspective: Satoshi Isshiki beating Julio Shiratsu in the RdC did not feel like a very impressive thing. Because we have only come to know Julio in that one fight and had absolutely no judgement on how powerful he may be (not to mention, that he was mostly placed in a very ridiculous light). It would have been a lot more impressive to the reader had Satoshi won his later fight against Eishi Tsukasa, because Eishi is a character who we have spent a lot more time with and who has repeatedly been portrayed as absurdly skillful and an actual threat.

See what I mean? As much as I loved seeing Megumi being an absolute badass in that Hot Spring Saga...It was not the satisfying pay-off I want for her.

The few victories she gets are always against random One-Offs while her fights against the more important characters are always a loss for her. Case in point: BLUE. She gets anOTHER off-screened match against some Noir in Chinese clothes, whose name I won't bother looking up if he even has one, where all characters talk about how talented she is but once it's time for her to go up against big bad bitch Asahi she looses. And that sucks.

Not to forget the fact that Megumi always gets strung along to every big event but we never get much justification for her participation (other than the obvious Meta-Reason that she's a main character).

Think about it, her and Takumi got extremely lucky in Train Arc by having Rindou giving them a free pass just for the lulz, while everyone else got expelled. Then a good number of messy chapters later, Megumi and Takumi get invited into BLUE without even a shred of reasoning behind it. Why them? How random is it to invite the 1st, 7th and 10th seat but no one else? Meanwhile when BLUE Arc was first mentioned in the manga they told Jouichiro that it's actually extremely rare for a student in that age to get into this tournament. And Jouichiro was a 3rd year back then, what are those three 2nd Years doing there??

The anime at least addressed that by having Totsuki's students fight for the participation (I appreciated that, if only the episode that covers it wasn't so lazily done)

I'd have much less of an issue with that if they actually gave Megumi something to work with in that arc. But really in RDC and even more so in BLUE, she's mostly just there I feel. She barely really impacts the story meaningfully in both of these arcs, I feel.

And it's one big shame.

As I said, I love Megumi and Tsukuda set her up as someone who I wanted to see succeed and defy expectations. Her journey up till Central Arc was a lot of fun and very compelling but then it just...came to a halt. And her arc never got any real, proper closure I feel. She was instead pushed more and more into the background and she just did not deserve that, man.

Never forget that she is one of the mains after all and she should have been treated as one.

damn I did not think this would get this long ahhdhdf

Miyoko Hojo

When realising that Miyoko's speciality is Chinese cooking, I was super excited for her! I really love Chinese food and I've been waiting for it to be covered in Shokugeki up till that point.

I like Miyoko quite a lot, she's definitely one of my faves from the...well, I don't think "secondary" cuts it...the tertiary cast. Unfortunately we've got to see so painfully little of her.

I like that Megumi, in the most Megumi-ways, made her learn a lesson like "Feminism =/= You can not possibly get along with a man. Ever.", but it was also interesting to see acknowledgement of the inequality of men and women within the culinary business through Miyoko.

Miyoko's friendship with Megumi is something I adore and I would have very much liked more of it please. I enjoy the thought of Miyoko, this tough, unapproachable woman, having her face soften whenever this pure, little angel approaches her. Also 100% sure Miyoko would drop-kick whoever gives Megumi a funny look.

I also would have liked to see Miyoko interact more with Kuga, because I imagine it could have been a lot of fun. From the one, tiny interaction they've had I feel that Terunori actually respects Miyoko quite a bit. Which I think is interesting, because Terunori otherwise seems to enjoy bitching at people.

Honestly? If you ask me??? Miyoko should have been in the Regiment de Cuisine.

I'll never get over how she's shown in the audience, alongside Nao, smiling when the rebels are about to snatch victory. Like ahdhFJG, excuse me Ma'am what business do you have just watching??? You can not tell me that from what we've seen about Miyoko that she would not be up to kick Azami's ass out of Totsuki. I generally think it's stupid for the Rebels to go up against the Elites in a number even to them.

Azami. Explicitly told you guys. That you can bring more than that.

You were up against the Elite 10 Council.

YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED ANYONE YOU CAN GET!

YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED MIYOKO

(and Nao as well tbh)

(The Regiment de Cusine could have been a lot better to buy for me if the Rebels had shown up with more participants tbh but that's a different subject)

Anyways, as I said I wish we could have seen a lot more of Miyoko. But it just wasn't meant ot be :( I mean, when characters like Alice and Akira get pushed to the side, what chances does the tertiary cast have?

I'm at least glad that she is sort-off shown being the new president of the Chinese RS in Les Dessert 1? I like that for her.

But yes, ultimately...another criminally underused character. I look forward to write her being a cool mom in my fanfic tho.

SupportClan: from the pov of a past member

As a past SC member where that was their dream clan I can 100% without a doubt say it's REALLY REALLY bad. 99% of the clan are minors with no clue what they're doing. Some have mental illnesses like PTSD from the last time I was there at least and putting someone with a mental illnesses such as those is a HORRIBLE idea imo at least, if it was something small like maybe they felt sad cause they couldn't adopt a cat or something then yea I wouldn't mind that much and ppl do go to sc about that, but multiple times from when I was there there was people who were suicidal, I remember I was contacted by someone in an abusive relationship at one point etc and someone pretended they were kidnapped, don't put someone with PTSD or anxiety disorders in that situation ESPECIALLY when u Don't know their triggers it's DANGEROUS, trust me I know, I suffer with 2 anxiety disorders and occasional paranoia myself and the immense stress I felt helping certain people was horrid and I did end up having panic attacks or I would need my cat with me to keep me calm. If SC does auds MAKE SURE TO ASK IF ANYONE HAS ANY MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSES OR TRIGGERS IT'S IMPORTANT, once I had to handle someone who was venting to me about an ex and it was very triggering to me because of the topics involved.

2.) Another thing, the scheduling from when I was there was atrocious either nobody could help because there was nobody to help them because there was barely anyone over level 1 or anyone looking to be evaluated to be put on level 2 because there were barely enough people on level 2 to get there to help in time NEVER GOT EVALUATED basically, I don't even remember what the evaluation was called but I do remember that a ton of people left because they just were left waiting for evaluation way too long or they'd be asking over and over to be evaluated and nothing happened and I almost left too, which was a shame because I really had hope for the clan. It got so bad that barely anyone could finish their quota if I remember correctly so the quota had to basically be gettin' rid of because it was so hard to finish. And some people in the help chat had waited so long for help they'd just leave which is so disappointing to see.

3.) Everyone from my memory were sweethearts and I really have no ill intent posting this, it's just a vent, the issue is, for 1 the clan has a lot of issues with who it just lets in as sometimes it can cause more damage then good and as someone with mental illnesses myself I just want ppl with mental illnesses to keep their eye out or stay away from the clan so they don't get hurt, or triggered etc, you need to focus on your mental health before anyone elses ❤️ (and I also need to take my own advice when it comes to this.) Secondly the management is awful at least it was last time I was there and they really need to improve as it caused a lot of issues and it's really disappointing. It definitely has room for improvement or it needs users with more efficiency. Thirdly all the issues that can be vented that you listen to sometimes on a daily basis can burn you out, it would burn anyone out of course but a minor ESPECIALLY top that off with users or minors with mental illnesses and it's a deadly combination, so I would DEFINITELY DEFINITELY encourage you to steer yourself away from SupportClan as it can seriously impact your mental health like it did to mine where I went through some serious burn out, and while that's not why I went on hiatus at the time the hiatus made me realize how burned out I was and it was actually quite sad but I'm glad that the hiatus helped me get through it. And finally to the users who go to SupportClan for help, three things you NEED TO KNOW here:

1. Do NOT go for serious issues such as self harm, suicide etc, they do not help with that, they're almost all minors at the end of they day and they will immediately redirect you to a list of helplines you can contact

2. If SupportClan works for you, absolutely fantastic, and I'm happy for you, HOWEVER, a word of advice from a past member, contact a family member or friend you can rely on irl they'd know you better and how to help you better then SupportClan ever could because 99% of the time, these users don't even know you and get a therapist, helpline or a doctor to help you if it's REALLY serious.

3. Not really SupportClan related but you're valid and ilu 😌💖

Do I think SupportClan needs to be removed from wa,,, AAAAAH????? Yes, and also a little bit no, but mainly yes, in my opinion and from what I had not just seen from the clan itself but from what people had said in chats and on wac, I think it's safe to say the clan does more harm then good and it can lead to members having more questions then answers after asking for help, people asking for help can be left unhelped, the SupportClan members may get burnout such as I did, some may get triggered, the poor management may cause the clan to collapse etc. But that's just my hot take 😳

Sorry this is so long, I just really had to get all my thoughts out,, anyway,, back to animal crossing, the firework show is about to begin and everyone is gathering up 🤭💗

1/22/21 to 1/23/21

Marvel Part 3

This is the biggest chunk of the films by a bit, and a lot happens in here. I think there are four origin stories, and there’s even a sequel to one of those origins within the same group. A LOT happens, and in general things have been settled into a comfortable formula. And yet here we have some new directors, a lot of new characters, and some new takes on old favorites. Now that the MCU is so established, it seems people were more comfortable taking risks with these stories, and I think it pays off in audience satisfaction. Also, yes, we did watch seven movies in two days. What can I say? We’re good kids staying locked down.

1/22/21

Ant-Man – Peyton Reed, 2015

I’m very disappointed that this could have been an Edgar Wright movie. It comes so close, with the way Luis tells his stories and the structure of the final battle between the two tiny men. And yet it is definitely not Edgar Wright. It’s a pretty basic superhero origin story. That being said, Paul Rudd is a national treasure and absolutely carries this film. He is a delight to watch as the funny, clever lead, as he always is. He was made to be a quippy genius in a cool suit. Okay, that makes him sound like Iron Man. In a way, Ant-Man is Iron Man Lite. He’s not rich, he’s just an everyday guy. He is an engineer, but maybe not a genius. Most importantly, he’s genuinely funny, not rude, and he cares about his family. I do think the characterizations are what make this movie compelling, not the plot. It ties in very nicely to Civil War, and I enjoyed watching it directly before the epic crossover event. Having light-hearted characters with less worldly stakes keeps the MCU grounded and keeps superheroes from being too out of touch. 

Captain America: Civil War – Joe and Anthony Russo, 2016

I hesitate to say this, but I think this might be my favorite movie in the MCU. I can’t quite put my finger on why, because there are certainly more epic team-ups, and I hate when friends fight. And yet, I still love this film. One, you get Hawkeye in a non-Avengers event, which is always terribly exciting. Two, you get the character intros of some of the best characters ever (Spider-Man and Black Panther). And three, you get an intense debate about morals that actually gives you something to talk about after you leave the theater. It feels rare to have a superhero movie that doesn’t have morals hitting you over the head with righteousness and love. This movie really makes you think about control and consequences. And I love a movie that makes you think. I’m also slightly biased because I had a great premiere experience, I got to see an early screening and the exclusivity made it more exciting too. It pulls on a lot of existing threads within the MCU and brings the conflict to a head in a spectacular way. 

1/23/21

Spider-Man: Homecoming – Jon Watts, 2017

The stand-out role in Civil War, seeing Spider-Man on the big screen under Disney’s purview was certainly a treat. I appreciate that they didn’t go for yet another Peter Parker origin story, instead jumping in after he’s already become Spider-Man. We all know the story of the radioactive spider bite by now, so getting to see Spider-Man grow as a friendly neighborhood guy is delightful. It’s a high school coming-of-age movie that happens to feature superheroes. The stakes are brought down to a relatable level. Asking out the girl he likes is just as important as catching the bad guy, perhaps even more so. Tom Holland is the absolutely perfect casting choice, capturing both being an awkward teenager and being a web-slinging badass. And Tony Stark gets the opportunity to right his wrongs and step up to be a father figure for someone who desperately needs one. I do wish we got to focus on Peter’s story a little more, instead of using him as a pawn to fulfill Tony’s character arc. But that’s a small criticism for an otherwise lovely movie.

Black Panther – Ryan Coogler, 2018

Black Panther rocked the world when it came out, and rightfully so. Here we have a Black superhero who brings a respectful version of African traditions to the big screen. The worldbuilding of Wakanda is spectacular, showing that this hidden nation knows more about technology than anyone else in the world. It flies in the face of negative stereotypes about African peoples and blends aspects of tribalism in without making them feel like tokens. I think I like the Dora Milaje the best, the squad of women warriors who protect the king. They are so strong and beautiful with their shaved heads and spears and I love them. After Black Panther’s introduction in Civil War, it was nice to go into this movie and see what he dealt with in the weeks after his father’s death. Once again, seeing things in chronological order helped clarify any confusion I had about the timeline of things when they came out months apart in theaters. T’Challa had a really rough couple of weeks in there. Oh, and Michael B. Jordan is also excellent in his role as Killmonger. It’s a great movie for so many reasons. 

Doctor Strange – Scott Derrickson, 2016

I feel like a lot of people don’t like this movie. It is true that Doctor Strange is a little bit like a discount Tony Stark, a man who thinks the rest of the world is below him because of his superior intellect. At least this movie has the decency to break him down to nothing before giving him ridiculous superpowers that serve to reaffirm that belief. I think this movie is fine. It’s definitely one of the more visually arresting films, which I always appreciate. On visuals alone, I’d pick this over something like Ant-Man or Thor 2. The concept is also relatively cool, making it seem like wizardry can be learned by anybody. However, it does feel out of place in the timeline. We’re getting close to the end of the line here, and all this movie does for the overarching plot is introduce the Time Stone. But while I think it’s a perfectly passable origin story, it doesn’t make sense here at this point in Phase 3 of the MCU. Plus Marvel didn’t really need another overpowered quippy white man. Again, this is a fun movie to watch, but for the first time in awhile, this is better on its own than in sequence.

Thor: Ragnarok – Taika Waititi, 2017

Taika Waititi is a creative genius and should be allowed to take over the entire film industry. What We Do in the Shadows is one of my favorite movies of all time and I’m so glad that he is now on the map and taking over the Thor franchise going forward. He took the goofy Thor we all know and love and turned up the humor without compromising character, adding in nods to the previous movies and the fans without offending anybody. To say nothing of Korg, arguably one of the best side characters we’ve seen in the MCU thus far. After seeing it for the first time on my birthday, my brother announced upon leaving the theater that this was his new favorite MCU movie. I do think that this ranks pretty highly for me. It makes Thor fun again. Plus it’s just a really good movie. Like it features characters we already know, and then uses characteristics we haven’t seen before to make them well-rounded and more interesting to watch. And it’s stylistically very well done too! The scene with Thor using his lightning and the flashback with the Valkyries and the fight on the rainbow bridge... It’s all so good. And I haven’t even mentioned Jeff Goldblum. There’s a very good reason my brother likes this movie so much. It’s because it’s excellent.

Ant-Man and the Wasp – Peyton Reed, 2018

Now, Thor: Ragnarok leads directly into Infinity War, so I do sort of wish we’d gone into that next. But it was more important for us to watch Infinity War and Endgame back to back, so we decided to throw the Ant-Man sequel in here. This movie is about what Ant-Man and his friends were up to immediately before the events of Infinity War, maybe even during, because he wasn’t in that movie. And it sets up some VERY important plot points for Endgame. It makes a lot of sense to release these in the order they did. This is still an okay movie, but it ultimately feels like filler. Which is a shame, because these are good characters. Paul Rudd is still a delight, and so is the supporting cast of thieves. At the end of the day, it does feel necessary to watch this movie at some point so that the other ones make sense, but it also doesn’t feel like it has much impact on its own. The villain is interesting enough, the dialogue is still snappy, but the most impactful part of the film is the end credits scene when you see the Pym family get dusted. It’s a preview of what’s to come, even more haunting if you know it’s coming. But the part of the movie that makes you sit up and pay attention should not be hidden away in the credits. 

2: On Consumerism, Fighting Demons, and Societies Inevitable Collapse

Quarantine has been lowkey surreal. My constant complaint of never having enough time to do all the things I want/should be doing has now left me bored in the house, bored in the house, bored with nothing but time to get said things done. However, it is a dual edged sword - with the collapse and subsequent reformation of civil society outside my doors, it leaves me wondering – as well as a lot of other people – in the words of Miss Juicy…what the hell we gone do now?

Nearing the end of the first leg of my university career, I should be thinking about getting ready to transition to the next logical stages of adulthood - saving for an apartment, applying for permanent residency, as well as graduate schools and part time jobs. Yet, I’m worried about if these things will even be a possibility within the next month, six months, or even the next year.

On top of ALL of that, the recent BLM protests and the way that people (read: white people, Latinxs, Black men, homo/transphobes, etc.) have shown their asses the past few months is beyond mortifying - especially regarding the treatment of black women and how our value as individuals as well as a collective to society is really perceived.* This is not to downplay the murder of numerous black men in society, BUT who the fuck is riding for black women aside from other black women? And not just the ones who find attractive, or are racially ambiguous, or the ones you feel as if you get “guilted” into supporting and demanding justice for, I mean each and every black woman. I’m just saying, it gets pretty disheartening to feel like the legwork of the revolution is on the back of one category of people, and that your value to society is measured by the amount of emotional labour you’re ready to do for others, or how fat your ass is (but I digress…).

I feel like most people have used material things as coping mechanisms instead of actually facing their feelings and dealing with the things that bother them. Just think of the number of packages that have arrived on your doorstep the past few months. Breaking the glossy seal of packing tape is similar to therapy, until all the boxes are open, and you start feeling like shit again. And now, more than ever, there’s a lot to be bothered about. Western society has dedicated phrases based on the phenomenon of substituting true self-work with figurative emotional bandages (Phrases like comfort eating and retail therapy come to mind).

It’s nice to think that we – the people entering their adolescent and young adult years – will be the one to change these things, but suddenly it’s 2 am, you have twenty different things in your Amazon cart, (who the fuck needs a metal straw cleaning kit?) and you’re trying to see how far you can stretch and grab your debit card before falling off of the bed.

The conflicting messages pushed by society don’t help all that much either. If you look up “Kondo method” or “decluttering my closet” on YouTube, the numbers of videos that come up is astounding. Pages and pages of sweaty-faced, smiling YouTubers monetizing from this kind of faux “minimalism” only to post haul videos a few days later because “I threw everything out and now I have to rebuild from scratch sksksk!”. Does this not just perpetuate a cycle of buying and throwing and buying? I am....confusion, to say the least. Still I watch them, because I’m a hypocrite, and am also easily amused.

I will be the first to admit I have always had a very unhealthy relationship with money, with self-image, and with measuring my self-worth in proximity with “stuff that stems from a complicated relationship with physical self. Follow along:

Growing up, I was a fat kid. We don’t even have to sugar coat it. Think Terrio, but better eyebrows and more hair. Except I was not killin’ em, just myself. I always envied my friends who were able to go shopping at regular stores – read: Hollister, Abercrombie, Urban Outfitters (yes my friends were white), meanwhile I was condemned to shopping in the women’s department.

So, to compensate, I would buy trinkets – things like nail polish, lip gloss, journals, you get the point. My proximity to worthiness was measured not by the things that I bought, but within the act of buying. Growing up with parents who were also financially frugal also altered my relationship with money and blessed me with crippling buyers’ remorse after every purchase, even on things that are important (read: groceries).  

But as a kid, buying “stuff” was fun for me – it gave me some sort of purpose, and the acquisition of things (even if they weren’t the same things my peers had) made me feel like, to some extent, I could compete on the same playing field. As I got older, and I started to have real expenses, I moved towards second-hand shopping. I would religiously find myself at Goodwill on weekend, after school, or with friends. I could literally feel an endorphin rush when I would find something that I would consider a “good deal”, and it made me feel (again) purposeful, to be spending money, even if I didn’t need whatever I was buying.

I should also add that the people in my immediate family does not believe in thrift stores (“Why am I working for you to wear other people’s clothing?”, I remember my dad asking me one day), so the act of second-hand shopping was also my form of rebellion.

I began to amass a collection of clothing that would put Kylie’s closet to shame. I began buying things for events and situations that were yet to happen, for other people, for when I lose ten pounds. It was a madness.

In freshman year of university, I had an unhealthy relationship with clubbing clothes. Did I have the figure for clubbing clothes? Absolutely not. The funnier part is, I couldn’t even go clubbing because I wasn’t 19 at the time. And yet I had drawers and drawers full of the stuff. Not to mention that clubbing clothes is incredibly similar to summer clothing and living between Minnesota and Canada meant that these things were barely seeing the light of day.

The moral of this was – I could never figure out my relationship with stuff, This quarantine has forced me to try and break down the compulsion behind my behaviour.  I felt like I was spiralling the six weeks that they closed thrift stores, and I knew myself well enough to not try and online shop with the same kind of frequency as that. But the crazy part was, I didn’t die. I didn’t go into withdrawal (ok, I did a little bit, but whatever), and I was able to take the time to go through the things I already owned and find some hidden gems that were routinely buried in the cracks and crevices of my closet. It was like the episode of Family Guy when Peter realizes he has a vestigial twin – alarming and cool at first, but then it’s just alarming and annoying.

Its more embarrassing to realize that some semblance of myself image is tied to the frequency with which I am able to spend money. I would never say that participating in capitalist society gives me some kind of purpose as a black woman because God forbid. Also, considering that a lot of big names companies are actually racist and fatphobic as hell creates a whole new dimension for analyzing the power of my black dollar, sometimes creating another spiral of guilt leading to you guessed it – more spending.

As much as it seems like it, however, this self-reflection was not in vain. In the past month, I’ve cut down my closet from +200 pieces of clothing and shoes to about 40. If you ever want a fun, humbling activity this quarantine, just clean out your closet and be honest with yourself about how often you wear certain things. It was revolting to see the number of shirts, dresses, pants, skirts that I had bought and convinced myself wholeheartedly I was going to wear, only to pull them out of my closet months later with the tags attached *insert Marge Simpson covering her face meme*.

But at the end of the whole ordeal, it felt really good to look at my space and not feel burden or guilt. It was somewhat philanthropic realizing that not only will these clothes make someone else happier (I donated pretty much everything because it’s not always about money), but that my quality of life was not dramatically impacted in owning (or not owning) certain things. The past few weeks, I’ve spent more money on going out and sharing experiences with friends, but still nowhere near the same amount of money I would have spent buying clothes and other material possession.

Youtuber Kelly Stamps has a video on how minimalism “cured” her depression**, and the whole thesis boils down to the idea that owning less things gives you less to compare yourself too, thus making you happier (in a sense) and allowing you to focus the energy and time that would have been centered around maintaining and building your collection of possessions other things.

This still doesn’t break down the root of the issue, but it’s a start. I think when you have traits or patterns that you’ve participated in for so long, it becomes hard to step back and be objective enough to realize that you – yes, you – are part of the problem. I can blame my habits on a lot of things but at the end of the day, it’s important to realize that certain cycles seem never-ending because I actively choose to participate in these kinds of behaviours (accountability is sexy, huh?). While I’m not ready to face all my demons quite yet, it’s easier to do it with a nice wardrobe and a streamlined sense of mind.

Notes

*When I say black women, I mean ALL black women. Not some limited, cis-gendered, heteronormative view of what a woman is. Over here we ride for all those who identify as women.

**She emphasizes that she doesn’t actually means that it cured anything, but rather helped with her anxiety, and in turn, helped with her depression.

Links

That Family Guy Episode

The Kelly Stamps video

As a longterm single person... or a person who was single for long times during parts of my life, I’m usually very onboard with shifting the focus. But it feels like this entire article is a lazy missed opportunity. It somehow manages to alienate me even though I really, really want to be able to agee with it. For a start, the article does nothing to address that yes, society does highly value romantic relationships at the expense of other meaningful relationships, and pressures people - particularly young women, to conform to the expectation to be in one. The expectation to be in a relationship and how we are treated when we’re not in one goes far beyond people valuing sex.  I’ve talked about this at length before, so I’ll skip over that part for now. It doesn’t even touch on how ace or aro people experience such a ban - you don’t have to be in love or having sex to miss a significant other - the key is in the ‘significant’ bit. 

“And while I know there could be some troubling long-term consequences to this legal accident, I can’t help but feel that the frustration of many is misplaced.”

No. This is your first mistake. People are allowed to be frustrated that such a rule renders physically continuing intimate relationships if you live apart illegal.   People are allowed to be frustrated that they can go to primark, risk coronavirus at work, use the tube, but aren’t allowed to hug their GF. Hell, people are allowed to just be annoyed they can’t go to the pub. It might not be a priority, but I wouldn’t write in whining about how other people miss something that I am not personally fussed about. “It means we can’t go to the pub, to a party, or to a friend’s house to sit on the sofa with a bottle of wine laughing our heads off; we can't have our families round for Sunday roast; we can’t even go inside if it starts to rain during one of the permitted back garden gatherings of six.”

But fundamentally, we can have a party. We can see 6 friends or family outside. We can share food with them. We can use the bathroom. We will soon be allowed to start going to establishments to eat and drink. However rather hilariously, the article somehow manages to paint sitting on someone’s sofa as equally (or more) important than romantic and physical intimacy with a life partner. Who cares that some people haven’t been able to see their intimate partner at all, much less so much as hold hands in 3 months, when I wanna sit on someones sofa!

I get it. These rules are still wildly different to our usual lives. You’re right, it sucks that we also can’t enjoy platonic touch. Hugging a friend, patting someone on the back. Just being able to be indoors and have a meal. But the rules let us live out a much closer approximaiton of life with friends - which is a start.  Now, I have friends who run the full tactile spectrum from ‘absolute huggers’ to ‘don’t touch me’. I miss a good hug or just being able to sit beside each other, but for the most part I can easily enjoy most of what I can do with friends under the current rules. Apart from sit around playing board games together, cos you can’t do that 2m apart and it’d be less than ideal to do outside. This has still had a big impact on our social lives - particularly if you live apart from friends as I do. So I feel you. I can’t just up and drive over to most of my friends’, and even if I did, sitting around outside for a couple of hours wouldn’t be with the long trip. When you’re not allowed indoors or to stay the night it makes the kind of socialising many of us do much harder. It’s the same for me seeing my family, too. So I get it. It’s just that being banned from being within 2m of someone has a much bigger impact if you’re in a romantic relationship. Because physicality (and not just sex), and spending lots of time together is a bigger part of the deal when it comes to having a significant other. Many people aren’t overly physically affectionate with friends - I know many people who barely do beyond a handshake or stiff hug - and that’s fine. These laws just take away a much bigger dimension from a romantic relationship, than from most platonic ones.

On the Facebook group I run for single people, those who live alone simply want to know when they will be touched again. And by touch I mean simply a pat on the arm, a cuddle from their mum, their best friend holding their hand. These are simple things, but are so important. They matter to people just as much, if not more, as whether they have a 'significant other' sharing their bed - but you wouldn't know that from the discussion around these new rules.

See, this is important, so maybe lead with this? It’s heartbreaing that many of us effectively have been banned from all human physical contact.  But that doesn’t mean intimate relationships aren’t important to others - and complaining that those people are commenting on how it affects them is misplaced.  Ths is not a competition between whether it’s worse that we can’t hug our friends or our boyfriends. Not being allowed to see an intimate partner is also depriving you of cuddles or simple gestures - a lot more than just sex.And yet the article frequently chooses to frame it as a ban against hookups when it also affects many people in relationships who can’t move in at this point in time. I’ve seen people complain that they can’t spend time with or touch their partners of several years, for example.  But actually, we also shouldn’t have to minimise the importance of sex, even in  a casual setting. So let’s get onto that. “Those grieving for those they've lost to Covid-19, I’m sure, are far more interested in when they can hold their loved ones than when they can next hook up. Headlines about sex bans must feel particularly grating to them.” News just in: holding your loved ones and sex are mutually exclusive. You know, if  any of us lose loved ones, we’ll be heartbroken and it will suck whether we can’t hug our sister who lives far away, or our boyfriend who we don’t live with. Please don’t use cheap emotional blackmail to suggest people can’t miss both or that both can’t be one and the same if you love your partner. I’d argue this probably says a lot about what the author thinks about relationships or sex, but I hope it’s just poor writing. “The uproar about the apparent ban on sex also plays into the rather sixth form idea that absolutely everyone is having loads of sex all the time. God forbid a few of us have to wait a few months for our next chance.” Also, tangential much? People aren’t upset because they can’t go 3 months without sex, they are upset because 3 months in a pandemic without any intimacy with a loved one is hard, especially if you’re in an intimate relationship that got suddenly cut off. Because that person and their support and cuddles is particularly important to you.  This is also a weird double standard: It’s apparently OK to be devastated because nobody can give you a hug, but god forbid you are sad about being entirely separated from a significant other against your will. Also, apparently we’re all fantasists playing up how much sex we’re having. I don’t understand why this article comes across as so weridly moralising, but it does. Reducing sex to hooking up is moralising behaviour: and as someone with an interest in sexual health I have to state that it’s not up to you to put a value on sex for someone else. I don’t like it being illegal for me to hug my sister, or ... yes, have sex with my boyfriend-  or you know, hug him too since this isn’t about sex alone. But I’m not here to police if someone doesn’t like the rules because they just miss sex. Whoever they have sex with. Sex is a fundamental part of being human for most people. Intimacy is core to many  people’s mental health, particularly in a relationship, and that need is valid. Physical intimacy in general is a massive part of intimate relationships. It’s taken decades of progress for people to accept that sex is valid and enriching, not shameful. I’m worried that yes, behind our attitudes lies the still pervasive social attitudes that sex is dirty, wrong, and something for us to police if it doesn’t fit the bounds of what we consider acceptable. We haven’t eliminated harmful attitudes to sex, and the desire that others get to decide if vulerable populations like disabled people or the poor are allowed to have initmate lives. This is about how easily rules can be used to oppress or police others - as they have been in the past. What happens to sex workers? To our LGBTQ friends if someone decides that gay sex is riskier? It’s worth noting that intimacy is only illegal if you live apart - favouring those rich enough to have the space to move in together and the married. The poor, those living with others, those who aren’t ready to take that step, those who rely on sex to make a living - face an entirely different set of rules. It’s worth asking yourself why it’s OK to move in (and risk exposing each other) but not OK to visit the person you’d be allowed to expose all the time.  Why it’s OK for the government to draw a line on which relationships matter, and when - and what hoops you have to jump through. This isn’t new - out LGBTQ friends will tell us this was always a thing. But we need to be ever more vigilant as our personal lives are policed more and more. “Nobody is talking about this” is legitimate criticism when we’re talking about a horrifying event people may be unaware of, but lazy writing when we’re talking about something that both evidently affects many people and ... is being discussed. It allows you to fill an article with righteous indignation about how people aren’t doing something rather than just... doing it. As it is, I’ve read multiple articles about people missing grandchildren, wanting to see recently born babies, missing their friends, struggling with this whilst being single. I’ve read articles about the lonely and vulnerable. And actually, more articles about all those things when you add them up, than I’ve seen about romantic relationships. Which is great -  because this pandemic and the lockdown are having a massive effect on a lot of people in many ways, and it personally interests me that we record those experiences and share them. I’ve even seen so many articles about people missing going to the pub, or which restaurants they wish they could visit. And that’s OK, it can be the little things about normality that we miss. I miss museum dates, for example, and there wasn’t even any sex involved!  We all miss normality.  And I’ve had those conversations in real life, too. These conversations are important, but it’s possible to have them without downplaying something that doesn’t matter to you when it obviously matters to other people. I have been single for long periods of time; I’d be the first to suggest here’s more to life than romantic relationships. Hell, at times that was my absolute last priority.  I’ve lived away from friends and family  - I am not new to loving people at a distance, and it’s still been hard despite my having the experience to deal with it. If anything, this pandemic just shows how those links feel very different, when we’re not able to travel. Suddenly everyone feels much further away, and I re-evaluate just how happy I am to live far away.  For what it’s worth, I think we need more articles highlighting how difficult it is to manage all sorts of interpersonal relatioships at a distance as lockdowns ease.  And as someone who’s in a romantic relationship, the pain of bieng isolated in all these spheres just isn’t the same. I miss hugging my mum. And I miss my friends. And I miss my boyfriend. It all hurts. Looking at her own personal examples, the crux of the matter isn’t that she can’t see her family or friends - it’s that most of them live far away, and even if they live nearby, she’s not allowed to hug them. I’d love to hear more about people’s lives - what they are missing, what they hope to be able to do soon. And I can completely empathise with her: I wish I could see my sister, too: I’ve only seen her once since lockdown, briefly and under social distancing. I miss my friends - we live far apart but that used to be easier to bridge when we weren’t under lockdown. I have friends’ babies I’m yet to meet. New BFs yet to be introduced, etc. Weddings we’ve all missed. I can fully empathise with the author’s frustration at being unable to do these things - it has truly had a significant impact on my life this year that I’m mssing out on many of these things too. But that doesn’t in the slightest make it any less awful that I can’t be with my boyfriend, too.

Caught up to the RWBY manga...and I’ve got opinions

CW / TW : Some discussions of implied sexual assault. 

Spoilers up to Ch 18 of the RWBY Manga and Vol 2 of the series TV show. 

So last time I commented on the manga I was just past the white fang thing with blake and I responded idk interested in how the manga took it’s approach with it. I wouldnt say positive but curious about it in a harmless way. 

THINGS REALLY FELL OFF THE RAILS. 

The manga basically speeds through the rest of volume two leaving behind major scenes and shortening the rest to where the impact of them is almost completely diminished. There are also some character differences that bear out due to the author giving people more or less focus.

The biggest changes are with Yang and Blake’s relationship. Now even if you dont like BEES, the formation of their friendship is a vital part of the show. Someone can read everything as “just friends” but them having a close relationship is inarguable. The moment where Yang confronts Blake on her single minded focus to find Roman / Adam and the White fang is this crucial moment where Yang gets through to Blake, shares her backstory and establishes a bond between them. 

It’s nowhere in the manga. IT WAS CUT. 

And it’s such a shame because up to this point you could have mis-characterized Yang as the dumb party blonde stereotype that even she would play up in the early season where it’s apparent that she’s someone who is sharp, focused and can read into people pretty well. She recognizes Blake’s anger and tells her that it isn’t wrong for her to want Justice but if she doesn’t take care of her self shell never be able to achieve it. 

Oh some other cuts. RAVEN. Just never showed up because they didn’t even fight on the train. They just kind of got to the point of train impact without facing that much obstacles before all the Grimm attacked. 

It’s really frustrating because 

1. That was an S tier Fight. 

2. It did a great job at pointing out what Yang’s weaknesses were. 

3. Introduced Raven as someone super important and powerful. 

For some reason they still have Banesaw around and he fights Blake later. It actually makes more sense he’d fight Blake than Weiss narrative-wise but that’s besides the point, it’s just kind of weird he’d just be there anyways since he wasn’t a big shot or anything. 

Oh and STRQ isnt mentioned at all. 

Ok now that we are talking about the Villains. 

Roman is weird, in the show’s he’s this dashing suave dude who’s like “ah there you are red, you’re too late hahaha” *dips but in the comic he’s got this weirdly sadistic side almost like he’s being built up to be more of a threat than what he was and a more unhinged person. He threatens murder directly a lot more and one time I even thought he threatened Neo but the paneling was just weird and he’s talking to Banesaw. Either way it seems like he’s less kind to Neo in general and since that’s literally the only person he seemed to get along with in the show that makes me care less about him besides “ 100% evil sunday morning cartoon villain” I’ll take my “80% evil sunday morning cartoon villain” thank you very much

BUT THERE IS ONE SCENE WITH HIM EVERYONE DESPISES

It’s a HORRENDOUS scene in Chapter 15 thought where 

CONTENT WARNING: Sexual Assault Implications 

Ruby gets captured, in the manga it’s because she’s trying to get back Zwei, in the show it’s because she falls into a hole. That doesn’t really matter anyways she’s tied up and well here’s the page 

followed by 

and this isn’t as bad as it was originally before pressure to change it  https://www.reddit.com/r/RWBY/comments/f2f8j9/the_controversy_regarding_rwby_manga_chapter_15/ 

This is absolutely messed up. Just going over the content you have:

“I’d love to Entertain you myself”

“Have far more pressing concerns with a human like yourself”

“Plenty of Fun to be had, I’m sure”

and then Ruby gagged, and handcuffed to a chair as a bunch of tall faceless men in long black cloaks loom over her. You could say this all is just a misunderstanding and it’s just meant to foreshadow violence as a threat but it’s just done with such a sexual assault that the most charitable take is it’s a dogwhistle to that subject matter. Anyways thaat absolutely didn’t belong in RWBY and even reading it in Viz made me double take how they set up this scene and gave it such dark implications. Not that it was a deliberate narrative writing choice because it is undone really quickly. It just comes off as edgy and gross. 

Anyways some other things: 

JNPR Saga. Jaunedice is gone and while I’m not gonna lie, it’s definitely good that we didn’t have to relive through jaune going through his “ If I keep asking, maybe i’ll eventually get a yes through persistence” arc, I really feel like the pyrrha and jaune content is also weakened and though they might have overplayed this up in the show at least it ended up working on making me a shipper. Idk it wasn’t terrible but it felt a lot more surface level here. Also Ren and Nora were here too but even less prominent. 

Speaking of the dance, Blake goes with Sun instead of Yang. Because Sun invites her under the context of “you owe me”. Even though it’s done tongue in cheek, like even manga sun would hold it against her if she refused I think that this line does a good deal of disservice to Sun and also paints him in a weird Adam-ish tone. Sun’s whole deal is that he’s about unconditional kindness, he likes blake but he wouldnt want her to go with him unless she wanted it for herself. Leaning into the “haha let’s just say you owe me” leans more into something that Adam would use a source of manipulation. 

Oobleck: Is given a major glow up and actually ends up doing a lot in the end to the point at times it almost seems like it’s his story. He pulls of 300 IQ moves and ended up coordinating all the hunters and huntresses to the point of the breach based on the direction the wind was blowing and schematics he saw through someone’s pocket. Ok that’s an exaggeration but not by that much. The author is a fanboy over him and it’s good for memes but I’d argue it doesn’t improve the story by making him a more important character. I guess cool to see him fight a little bit more but it was kind of odd when he stunts on everyone so damn much. 

The fighting in general has some weak panelling except for a few scenes where it’s showing impact. The light as hell inking style makes it kind of annoying when there’s multiple people in one fight against a big target and you have to differentiate everyone and how people move from place to place. The way your eyes are supposed to move while reading a fight and how character motion transfers through panels. 

Neat informative video about that: https://youtu.be/zFFru4q_4H8?t=420 (whole video but I started at the point where they talk about panelling)

The art style is unique and i’ll give it that but too often it seems a bit more contrast and thicker lines would really benefit the series. Even when I was enjoying it, I still had these concerns. It’s just annoying when the artist is generally pretty good but you gotta zoom in to see certain things and all of that. 

So yeah, i’ve been disappointed in the later chapters to say the least and that’s incredibly incriminating when I wasn’t even that big of a fan of this adaptation to start with. I thought that maybe it could have been a loose reinterpretation for someone who was put off by V1/V2 animation standards/ wanted to get through the series even quicker but I couldn’t in good conscience recommend this as an alternative for the main series anymore. And that’s a shame. Luckily this all ends with V2 so we won’t have to worry about what else would be cut, shortened or ignored from the main series and we can focus on the actual show which all of love...or like at the least. 

𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐊 𝟎𝟎𝟔: 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐏𝐘 // @gallaghertasks​

“ ---  i need someone who knows me to go in there and tell them i’m  NOT  in denial .  .  .  because i’m not. ” 

THERAPY.  THERAPY.  THERAPY. realistically this probably shouldn’t have been the first time lennon was seeing a professional.  she was an emotional person with high sensitivities and a low pain threshold.  she also had a vast need for attention and a strong,  overwhelming urge to give it. it seemed,  however,  that none of this would be discussed.  the therapist had their own script to follow.  it felt more like  DAMAGE CONTROL  than caring,  but lennon didn’t mind.  she made the job easy.  in the script that follows,  T  is in reference to the therapist speaking and  L  is in reference to Lennon. 

T:  did  you  know  either  of  the  victims  :   amelia  taylor  or  cassie  snyder  ? L:  i actually did not know either of them. T:  how  have  your  sleeping  and  eating  patterns  been  ? L:  i mean . . .  DIFFERENT  than prior to the incident,  but i’m not sure that it’s related.  it might be my own internal battles that began around the same time,  but i know that’s not what i’m here about,  so we can talk about that a different time. T:  do  you  find  yourself  thinking  about  the  event  even  when  you  don’t  want  to  ? L:  YES,  but my only reason for thinking about it is hearing other people talking about it.  i mean i guess i think about the people i care about here and i care if they were affected by the deaths,  AND  i think about how i couldn’t imagine what i would do if it was them.  T:  what  are  the  most  frequent  images ?  L:  my loved ones being found,  getting that call,  or having someone tell me the news . . .  what that would feel like,  what kind of break down i would have,  if i would recover,  and  SOMETIMES  as screwed up as it is,  i picture myself in their shoes.  partially because i don’t know the girls,  so i don’t know if they deserved it,  not that anyone deserves that,  but i just mean,  that i sometimes wonder if i deserve that.  if i deserve to be that person that was found.  i mean,  i try really hard to be a  GOOD  person,  i just feel like i’ve been falling short lately,  so that’s me being hard on myself.  i also kind of wonder if anyone would  CARE  if it were me . . .  if  HE  would care . . .  if  SHE  would be as distraught.  [ laughs nervously ]  i’m rambling,  let’s move on.  T:  do  you  avoid  thinking  or  talking  about  the  event ?  L:  ummm . . . yeah.  i do,  actually.  i thought i was just doing things to try and help other people keep from thinking about it,  but i guess regardless of my motive or intent,  that still translates to  ME  not thinking about or talking about the event;  avoiding it.  yeah. T:   do  you  avoid  going  places  or  being  in  situations  that  remind  you  of  the  event ?  if  yes  ,   what  are  these  places  ? L:  i avoid certain places that remind me of certain situations,  it’s just not this one.  i mean i haven’t been to the scene of the crime to see if it’s been cleared because the last time i happened to pass by there it was roped off, but i know what it’s like to avoid things on  PURPOSE  and this is not that.  T:  do  you  have  nightmares  about   the  event  ?   if  yes  ,   please  describe  these  nightmares  to  the  best  of  your  ability  .   L:  uhhhh,  yeah,  i guess.  i see a an unclear version of where the murders happen,  i see a body covered with a white sheet,  and then i’m getting closer and closer and closer and it feels like a never-ending hallway that keeps stretching.  i never actually make it to the body.  i start going faster and faster,  but running in heels in  GRASS  is nearly impossible even in a dream,  so i can only go so fast,  and it’s not fast enough and . . . sometimes it looks like someone’s about to lift the sheet,  like i see a hand kind of cross the frame and reach for it,  but i always wake up before that.  isn’t that a little bit crazy ?  it’s really bizarre.  it’s a crazy dream.  T:  do  you  feel  easily  startled  or  anxious  ?  give  examples   L:  no,  not really.  not that i can think of,  no. T:  do  you  worry  about  being  harmed  or  feel  “on guard” ?  give  examples  .   L:  like  ---  physically ?  oh,  in general.  i guess not.  i mean i scare easy,  but that’s just a character flaw.  scary movies and i don’t get along. T:  do  you  feel  detached  or  “numb”  ?  how  so  ?  L:  i’m so overly empathetic,  and i feel everything very deeply,  all of the time,  it’s  LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE  for me to do that even if i wanted to. T:  do  you  feel  shame  or  guilt  about  the  event  or  about  problems  related  to  the  event ? L:  when i see the grief everyone is going through,  it makes my own personal grief outside of this situation feel really  SMALL  and that makes me feel ashamed and guilty,  but i guess it’s like that saying goes . . . just because the person next to you is in a body cast doesn’t mean your broken arm doesn’t hurt.  or something like that. T:  what  do  you  think  is  causing  this  shame  or  guilt ?   L:  outside of being overly empathetic,  i think i often find it easy to blame myself.  it’s something i have to talk myself out of often.  i’m just so used to feeling like i have to be the care taker,  or like,  i am a means to an end,  fulfilling a role for someone else,  and i’m  NOT.  i don’t consider myself an insecure person,  but i think that the shame and guilt are being caused by the fact that someone  HAS  brought up insecurities within me recently and made me feel like a fuck up,  like i’m less than . . . it sucks.  99.9% of the time i’m pretty certain that i’m great.  self - love and all that is very important to me.  you gotta practice what you preach,  y’know ? T:  do  you  find  that  you  act  irritable  or  angry  ?   L:  i’m  EMOTIONAL,  but i wouldn’t say either of those two things come up.  maybe occasional anger wiith myself.   T:  in  what  ways  ?   L:  i honestly don’t even know.  that’s pretty much where my insight starts and ends on that matter,  honestly. T:  do  you  act  oppositional  ,  act  out  sexually  ,  or  abuse  alcohol  or  drugs ? L:  ummm,  no ?  i feel like a lot of people have recently and i hang out with people,  so by pure association,  i guess so.  otherwise i wouldn’t say that anything has changed about my behavior or alcohol intake, etc.  if anything,  i’ve been feeling  LESS  sexual lately,  so if you’ve got a pill for that,  definitely hook a girl up.  ---  i’m kidding.  i’m  ABSOLUTELY  kidding.  okay. 

PTSD SCREENING:

You scored a total of  10

People who've scored similarly to you on this quiz for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may sometimes qualify for the diagnosis of PTSD. When symptoms of PTSD are in this range, they may sometimes impact a person's everyday life, making normal activities -- like work or school -- more challenging than for others. Keeping one's focus and concentration on the task at hand can sometimes be difficult for people who've scored similarly to this.

T:  how do you feel about your results ? L:  i mean . . .  i don’t agree,  personally.  i know you’re the professional,  so chime in any time and tell me about my trauma,  but i don’t  FEEL  like i’m traumatized.  i don’t know.  like,  i’m pretty okay.  that might be screwed up considering what everyone else is going through,  but it’s the truth.  and i’m happy to be there for them throughout this trauma-inducing time. 

GRIEF QUIZ:

You scored a total of  23

People who have scored similarly to you have sometimes had complicated grief. Complicated grief is characterized by a preoccupation with thoughts of the deceased or lost loved one, searching and yearning for the deceased or lost loved one, disbelief about the death or loss, and having difficulty accepting the death or loss.

T:  how do you feel about these results ? L:  so like i said,  i didn’t know the people who died . . .  but the questions just ask about people leaving,  so sure,  i’ve had people left,  i’ve left people,  etc.  so i answered based on those things.  but for example,  one of the questions asked how often i see the person who left stand in front of me.  i’m  NOT  seeing dead people,  there’s no sixth sense thing going on,  BUT  the person who left me came back into my life recently,  so i literally,  physically,  occasionally seem him standing there and i answered accordingly.  does that make sense ?  it’s been a long time.  i’ve come to terms with my grief.  i’ve cried,  i’ve wallowed,  i’ve healed,  i’ve moved on.  mostly.  truly. 

we’ll get there [pt. 1] (plastique/brooke) - scheherazade

A/N: yeet, it’s my first time posting and it’s a fic challenge ! i decided to go with these:

rare pair: plastique/brooke

tropes: 1) reuniting after a long time apart and 2) besties who’re secretly inlove with each other and neither knows

bonus: lesbian au

Summary: Brooke and Vanjie break up and Brooke is thrust into the aftermath where there are broken friendships & inner turmoil to be found. She gets by with a little help from an old friend.

How dare she?

“I deserve better,”

Better than what?

“Better than what you can give me.”

Brooke slammed open the door of her and Nina’s dorm room, the customized rainbow number plate they hung dangerously swinging from the impact. She threw her bag in a random direction and face-planted on her bed. She buried her face in the covers to muffle her scream.

“Oh no mama, I know that look. C'mon Brooke, understand me here. We just ain’t workin’ out.”

How can she decide that?

Brooke heard a familiar laughter from around the corner. The sound got louder and louder and Brooke groaned.

“Brooke?” Her face was still buried in the covers but she knew that it was her roommate. “I—we didn’t know you were here.”

She remembered when Nina didn’t sound so surprised to see her. Back when she didn’t practically live in her girlfriend’s (ex’s) pocket.

“Yeah. We thought you’d be with your girlfriend.”

The laugh Brooke heard earlier was definitely Yvie’s. Fuck. She didn’t know if she could handle their…issues above everything else. She hoped that Yvie would notice her mood and drop any attitude that she would probably give. Not that it wasn’t deserved.

“Girlfriend? Not anymore.” Brooke intended for her reply to be biting. She wanted it to reflect the anger she felt at that moment but at the last word, her voice broke. Her cheeks burned in humiliation.

The bed dipped beside her and she felt a hand on her shoulder. Warm. “Will you be okay?”

Brooke really doesn’t know. She voiced that thought to Nina.

“Do you need anything?”

It was shameful the way she immediately blurted out her ex’s name. Someone scoffed and even without seeing, Brooke knew that it was Yvie. She probably rolled her eyes too and crossed her arms, the combination she did when she found something particularly ridiculous and dumb. Brooke was familiar with it once.

Nina tutted and Brooke heard a placating “Okay fine,” from Yvie (who probably also threw up her arms, if Brooke remembered) before she heard the door shut.

“Sorry about her.” Nina apologized.

Brooke didn’t reply. Her mind was too busy going into overdrive about everything that was wrong in her life. Between the unexpected break-up and everything else, she just wanted to chug her ballet teacher’s Russian vodka and hope that her problems solved themselves.

“Nina?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I want a hug.”

“C'mere baby,”

Brooke shuffled around until she was in her roommate's—and best friend’s, if Nina still considered her that—arms. She curled inwards in an attempt to make herself smaller. She snuffled and was embarrassed to realize that she had started crying. Brooke tried to regulate her breathing and bit her lip to stop it from wobbling and setting off a wave of tears.

It didn’t matter because when Nina tightened her hug and started stroking her hair, she was undone. Her walls let down, just for this moment.

“N—Are you angry at me too? Like Yvie?” If she was going to cry, she might as well cry about everything wrong; might as well bite the bullet.

“No. But I am disappointed. And sad. Mostly sad.”

Nina didn’t explain and Brooke didn’t question her further, too afraid of the conversation escalating and losing the only comfort she had for the day.

•

“You’re late Ms. Hytes.”

Brooke almost fell to her knees apologizing, true to the Canadian way. She had woken up this morning to a covered plate of pancakes with a sticky note beside it. Nina wrote using a pink glittery pen and questionable handwriting. She must’ve rushed.

made pancakes for u. there’s maple syrup on the counter the brand u likeee sry didn’t wake u up u look like u need rest. take it easy brooke :) Nina <3

It was sweet and really warmed her heart but one glance at the clock made it freeze. She ate the pancakes quickly (but not before drizzling them in syrup) and dropped the dishes in the sink and reminded herself to wash it later. Afterwards, she ran and repeatedly apologized as she hit a lot of people on the way.

“I’m so sorry Ms. Visage, I woke up late today and I swear it won’t happen again.”

“Just get over there,” she motioned to the seats and Brooke complied, murmuring another apology.

She ignored Vanjie who sat between Silky and A'keria and the lack of empty seat somewhere between the three that was usually reserved for Brooke. She opted to sit between Gia and Jujubee who seemed to be discussing something with Raven. She settled in her seat and turned to Gia.

“Hey did I miss anything?”

“Absolutely, we just paired up for the project.”

“What project? Who am I left to pair up with?” Brooke’s eyes widened.

“Funny Ms. Hytes, that’s what I was just about to discuss.” Ms. Visage replied and raised a brow.

There was a smattering of laughter and Brooke bowed her head and winced.

“And to answer your question: everyone is paired up,” Brooke dreaded doing a potentially hard project alone. “But there will be a new student coming tomorrow so you can do the project with her.”

The class burst into chatter and questions when their professor announced a new student. Brooke could pick out some of the most popular comments.

“What’s her name?”

“Where is she from?”

“Why is she transferring now?”

“I hope she’s hot,”

Brooke wanted to ask a question herself except she noticed that Ms. Visage’s face got stonier by the minute.

“Silence!” she called out and like magic, it worked. “You’ll meet her when you meet her. Now can I discuss the project? Yes? Good.”

••

Brooke stressed out over the project until lunch. Then at lunch, she stressed out where to sit because obviously, she wasn’t welcome at her ex’s table anymore. She sighed and held on stupidly to her lunch tray and dragged her feet to find an empty table.

Brooke thought about the project their professor gave them. They were supposed to put together a 30-minute presentation about two countries wherein country A has influenced country B (through trade, colonization, etc.) enough so that it has been integrated into B’s culture in present time. They were supposed to include how it became so and an answer to what if the cause didn’t happen. What would change?

She decided that she needed to get a high–if not the highest– grade. She was going to and that’s final. Brooke knew that she was a competitive person. She needed a win badly and it’ll be something that’s sure to lift her spirits.

Her view regarding the project was starting to lighten up. It provided a very important perk which was distraction. The project gave her something to focus on, to work towards—a goal. And she’d rather do that than wallow in feelings.

Just as soon as she started feeling better because of the project, she remembered that her partner was going to be a stranger. That one factor could potentially change everything. Brooke Lynn clicked her tongue and snapped at herself mentally. She was not going to ruin this by overthinking. Whoever her partner was going to be, she was going to make sure they were on board with her goals.

“Brooke!” She was snapped out of her thoughts when she heard her name called. An enthusiastic arm was waving at her and it belonged to Nina. “Come sit with us!”

Brooke approached hesitantly at her table. “Are you sure?” she asked, glancing at Yvie.

Yvie rolled her eyes at her. “This is so dumb. Just sit down girl.” She said and scooted over near Scarlet by her left to make space.

Brooke’s lips quirked. How long has it been since? “Okay,” She sat down.

Nina grasped at the arm of the person closest to her, who just happened to be Shuga, and looked at them like they just made her dreams come true. It was sickeningly sweet. And totally undeserved, Brooke thought, they haven’t really reconciled yet.

Yvie noticed Nina too and she laughed. “Ew stop that. You only look at your girlfriend like that. It’s weird on us,”

Nina leaned on Shuga and proved Yvie correct. “She deserves it. Anyway, this is a special occasion.”

“Yes!” Shuga clapped like the cinnamon roll that she was. “Welcome back Miss Brooke Lynn!”

“Yeah, how was ignoring us for 5 months?”

Brooke flinched. She considered not replying but her tongue slipped. The urge to fall back to the usual banter between her and Yvie overtook.

“Honestly? Awful. How did I ever survive lunch without Nina and Shuga being sickeningly sweet? Not in front of my salad!”

“If being sweet is like this then I’m diabetic.” Yvie retorted.

Nina threw them an unimpressed look. “Brooke I think you can go back.” She made a shoo-ing motion which made Brooke feign a scoff while the others laughed.

“Anyway, uh, what’s up? Catch me up on the stuff I missed.” Brooke segued, kind of awkwardly.

“Ms. Del Rio is a flaming bitch.” Scarlet spoke up and her Physics book on the table. Brooke was surprised to hear the hostility in Scarlet’s tone, and aimed at a professor nonetheless.

“Say it again for the people in the back!” someone from across the cafeteria shouted.

…

So. Insulting your sharp-tongued Physics teacher wasn’t the best idea. Scarlet and a couple other students who jumped in on the protest against the teacher—who apparently is a “demon sent from hell on wooden legs"— now served two hours of detention after school. For the rest of the week.

Brooke Lynn felt sorry for them. She had Ms. Del Rio before and she knew that she made them go through suffering (a lot of it) so that they could learn properly. They would thank her in the end. Either that or they’ll plot to overthrow her or something.

She leaned against her locker as students went past, rushing to get out of school. Brooke waited until she saw Yvie and went after her.

She needed to apologize.

"Yvie! Eve!” she called out.

The girl stopped and looked at her, adjusting the strap of her fluffy blue cookie monster bag. “What’s up?”

“Can I talk to you? Out. I meant, outside—somewhere out, like a coffeeshop?” Brooke asked. “I want to apologize.”

Yvie looked hesitant but then she sighed and shrugged. “Shuga’s bakery. Your treat.”

[tbc]

A lot of thoughts about All Might, Izuku Midoriya, and My Hero Academia’s themes of empowerment and hope

So a few months ago I finally jumped on the infamous My Hero Academia bandwagon, and I’m finally getting around to talking about what it is about this series that has me so utterly captivated and emotional beyond belief, something I’ve wanted to discuss for a while now. MHA does a lot of things right, and at the same time, some things wrong, I can’t deny, (and man, I wish it didn’t do some of those things... alas), but there is one aspect of it in particular it (that expands into a few different things) that affects me more than anything else, that I wasn’t expecting at all when I first walked into it... something so special to me purely because of how so few other series focus on topics like these, and so beautifully and profoundly.

Below I’ll go into what I believe is MHA’s biggest strength, what makes it stand out from other shounen series, that resonates with me and so many others so deeply. This post is super long and rambling, with way too many pictures, and all of this has been said before by others, but hey, this is really damn important to me so I need to cry about it myself in-depth okay. Hopefully this all makes sense? lmao. Oh and lots of spoilers ahead.

It all has to do with our two main characters, and how they embody and exemplify more than anyone else the themes at the heart of the series:

First off, the main point: All Might is a disabled superhero.

I haven’t read/watched a ton, at least compared to many others, but I’m still confident in saying that, like other marginalized groups, finding disabled characters in media, main ones that are handled well, and don’t have their disabilities magically cured or made irrelevant somehow, is really fucking rare. And even in these cases, the disability is usually something such as blindness, deafness, muteness, an inability to walk, or lack of limbs. Which by no means am I saying that it isn’t important to represent those disabilities as well, far from it (I want more characters in wheelchairs, god dammit); I’m only saying that there’s even less chance of seeing more complicated disabilities, ones that might not be obvious from the outside, or on the flip side, ones that are very obvious on the outside (to the point that they might seem “unsightly”, disabilities that writers, especially in Hollywood, wouldn’t be eager to want to attempt properly, unfortunately), because of that.

All Might is arguably the secondary main character in the series, and he has a very specific set of issues due to the injury he received in the past: the blow to his torso meant they had to take out his stomach, much of his lungs were mangled and destroyed, and he had to have many successive surgeries just to get to a stable point, all of which left as emaciated as he is, and with a massive, ugly, bruised scar that caves inward like an impact crater, which looks like it hurts like hell. Losing his stomach means getting enough nutrition is virtually impossible for him (since he doesn’t have the time nor the discipline to eat as regularly as he needs to), making him even more dangerously skinny, and losing so much of his lungs wreaks havoc on his stamina and breathing, as well as causes him to cough blood on a regular basis.

...and All Might is the strongest superhero in the MHA universe, while still having all of these problems.

Now I won’t say that this is the absolute pinnacle of disability representation or anything, absolutely no way; All Might’s blood coughing is used for comedic effect, which I wish weren’t the case (though that happened the most near the beginning of the series; you don’t really see it anymore), and it would honestly be really nice if his disabilities were made more of a focus/point in the normal, mundane slice-of-life parts of the story, instead of just when the plot demands for it to be relevant, which so far has only been in the USJ arc, the Kamino Ward arc, and I suppose you could argue with the reveal of his death prophecy in chapter 131; it would be really amazing to see the other characters helping him when he needs it, and to see him using medical technology, even. Fanfiction is a blessing that I am eternally grateful for for doing this, but it’s not a replacement for canon. However, having said all that, it is incredible, something that I cannot even put into words how thankful I am, that Horikoshi has done even this much. All Might is not only the strongest of the strong, but he is simultaneously weak and sickly as well, he is both, and the best part of this is that when his “weak” side is revealed to Izuku, and later on everyone else, no one considers that part of him “lesser” or “inferior”: he is still strong, he is still “All Might”, to them, no matter what he looks like, and no matter what he can do.

In essence, having this in a Superman character is genius, because heroes are meant to be inspirations, beacons of hope, people who the characters, and the audience, watch, and are able to think “I can be strong and do good like them, too”, and one of MHA’s main themes is that heroes are heroes ultimately not because of what physical strength they possess, but because of their hearts... so how reassuring, how inspiring, how perfect is it for the top hero to actually be so ordinary, so human, underneath all the bravado and physical strength? Someone who is not some godlike entity on another level entirely, impossible to reach, but simply someone as normal as anyone else, filled with nothing but kindness and an entirely selfless earnestness to help the world, who worked as hard as he could to reach where he did, even despite all odds, despite everything he endured... someone that almost anyone can relate to, and feel like they can become. That is why everyone continues to love All Might no matter what he looks like and what he can or cannot do, and to have someone with so many physical disabilities be so beloved and considered so strong in the story?

That is powerful. That is the kind of character so many more stories need, who, again, people like myself can relate to, both in feelings of weakness and frailty and insecurity, but also in feelings of inner (and outer) strength and motivation and confidence, too. All Might is disabled: that’s just a fact of him, he is never going to ever recover any more, and no one faults him for his disabilities or treats him differently or delicately for it, except for Aizawa a couple times (out of concern). And I love him for it, because I can see my disabilities in him, I can easily picture him going through so many of the hells I’ve been through throughout my life, and god I’m just so emotional to have All Might. I was sobbing during the Kamino Ward All for One fight, seeing All Might be allowed to fight and WIN in his non-powered up, weak form, seeing everyone cheering him on because they held unwavering faith in him no matter what he looked like, to the very end. You never truly understand how important representation is until you are given some, finally. Could there be more to it? Yes, absolutely, and I wish there was. But it’s so wonderful to have a character like this at all, who is an endless sandbox of headcanons and art and fics, all of which are very likely based on what canon does tell us about All Might. It’s just... so nice to simply have a character like him there, shown positively. Thank you, Horikoshi.

However, it goes beyond just All Might; there is the other half of this representation (and relationship), as well:

In MHA’s universe, being quirkless is likened to having a disability; only 20% of the population do not have quirks, and being in that percent is considered strange, a tier below so-called “normal” people, and something to pity and sympathize, if the adults and kids around Izuku in his middle school years are any indication. It’s bad enough knowing that actual disabilities are often treated this way (All Might doesn’t want anyone to see his true body, out of shame, guilt, and fear that people will worry about his ability to continue helping them, even though he is the most beloved and strongest hero of all time, and proves for six entire years with these injuries that he can still work!), but the fact that this then happens to people without inhuman superpowers, something that no one had and wasn’t at all a part of society and everyday life generations ago, that not being cool (basically) will get you looked down upon too, is awful to think about. But that’s the situation Izuku is put in, and it’s because of this specifically that All Might has such an incredible impact on him: that is, not just because of what he does for him, and how he starts off admiring him from a young age, but also because of All Might himself (I’ll get to this).

Izuku admires and tries to emulate All Might as a child, dreams of becoming him when he gets older, just like any kid would; like many children probably did with All Might. But once he’s told that he won’t develop a quirk, clinging to that dream, clinging to All Might, becomes even more fervent and desperate and necessary and important, no matter how impossibly out of reach now All Might’s level may seem, no matter how foolish it is and how deep in denial he goes, because believing that he can become as great a hero as him, believing his heartfelt and motivational words and actions on TV, is all Izuku has to keep his spirits up, to still have any hope. Everyone around him loses faith in him ever becoming someone great, becoming as strong as others with powerful quirks will become, even someone with a pointless quirk means more in society’s eyes than someone like Izuku (ableist much??? ugh) but Izuku continues trying to shoot for his dream, though he has no idea how besides researching other quirks, refuses to give up on himself, despite the pitying, despite the constant, horrendous bullying (bullying that is, again, essentially the way a disabled person would be bullied for having a disability. Think about that. why is Bakugou painted as so forgivable in the narrative again), and I really do believe All Might’s existence for all those years before he met him was the only real reason for that. Izuku is stubborn, but it’s clear at the beginning of the series how badly everything has affected his confidence and self-esteem... if he had never met All Might, it haunts me to think about when Bakugou’s suicidal taunts might have finally pushed him over the edge, possibly literally.

But then, he does meet his hero. And who is it that he finds?

A depressed, broken, and unhealthy man, the complete opposite from the person he had known and looked up to and clung to all his life, who tells him that his heroic smile is no longer real, but rather a mask, and that Izuku should face reality: he can’t become a hero without a quirk.

Now, initially, of course, this utterly devastates Izuku, and one can’t blame him. He reacts exactly as All Might believes anyone would act if they saw his true form, true self, and then his hero rolls with the unpleasant mood and makes it worse, and deals the killing blow and shoots down his eternal dream, the scraps of hopes he’d been clinging to. And hearing it from the man himself, someone who is literally in the same situation Izuku is in, essentially, forces him to give up entirely, because if All Might says he can’t do it, then that’s the end of it, isn’t it? No more lying to himself, after this... not after his hero has basically just told him that everything he projects to everyone is a lie. All Might is the best of the best, and yet, still, he ended up like this, so how on Earth can Izuku think he can do even a FRACTION of what the number one hero has done, with no power at all, and come out of it alive??

All Might is depressed, and weak, and powerless (despite having so much power), just like Izuku is, but he has no inspiring words of comfort about pushing past boundaries or defying odds and expectations, because he doesn’t see himself as anything inspiring, anyone to shoot for, not like he is, doesn’t want anyone emulating him and getting themselves hurt like he is, and he’s not going to be cruel to someone and tell them that they can do things they won’t be able to just to make them feel better; he knows the harsh reality better than anyone. He doesn’t intend to hurt Izuku on purpose, he’s only trying to keep him from doing something reckless that will get him hurt (oh the irony, minutes later), and in his depression and self-loathing and guilt, he’s forgotten how he originally felt when he wanted to become a hero, way back when, the same way Izuku feels... he has lost all hope himself, so of course he has none to give to Izuku, someone sitting squarely in his similar, currently-hopeless position.

In short, all of Izuku’s insecurities and fears are confirmed by that first encounter, which is like looking into a mirror, (and, again, that is heartbreaking, for that to happen with All Might, of all people) and at that point, he’s ready to give up.

But then, the sludge attack happens soon after, and everything changes completely when they meet again.

My Hero Academia’s most beautiful and unique quality to me is how overwhelmingly hopeful and uplifting it is, the message it carries of realizing that you can achieve your dreams, in some way, in some form, no matter how out of reach they may seem and no matter how insignificant and lost you may feel; it is so positive and moving, heartfelt and sincere, wholesome, in everything that happens in it, even when “bad” things happen, compared to many animanga nowadays that steep themselves in darkness and depression (not to say they’re not good, of course I love many of them, but it’s still true), and that’s why it’s so incredibly refreshing and so beloved, I think, despite how very simple the story is. And all of that starts right here, in this scene where Izuku is first told that he can become a hero, that is probably one of the most iconic scenes in the entire series, if not the most iconic.

People like Izuku need to be given hope, encouragement, to know that they’re believed in, that there can be opportunities out there for them; on a most basic level, they need to be treated with normalcy and positivity, just like anyone else would be treated. Lying and giving false hope to unreasonable levels isn’t right, but neither is wallowing in and validating the utter misery, sorrow, and hopelessness the person is feeling, which is exactly what Izuku’s mother does; she doesn’t mean to hurt him, she’s still a good mother, but ultimately she does, unfortunately (especially when added to the school bullying that no one makes any attempt to stop, least of all Izuku himself, his self-esteem as low as it is). At the end of this scene, All Might offers to give Izuku his quirk, and the thing is that you can definitely say this is, in essence, Izuku’s disability being done away with, and I’m not going to say you’re wrong; I, too, was initially disappointed, because I had hoped that this was going to be a story of Izuku becoming a hero without a quirk, cliche as it might be (ideally with the support gear introduced later in the series that I didn’t yet know existed). What makes it more tolerable, though, is knowing that he doesn’t end up recieving One For All for a very long time after this, and even when he DOES get it, he has to work so, painstakingly hard to fine-tune it over the course of the series (reaching only All Might’s level will take him years, I imagine), harder than anyone else who had a quirk from an early age, to even reach a state where he can use it without breaking his body. But getting back to the point I’m trying to make: the focus of this scene is not on Izuku being offered a quirk (because, again, it hasn’t happened yet), but rather simply on the words All Might says to him. In this very moment, what impacts Izuku so strongly is being told that he can become a hero.

Simply those five words. That is all Izuku wants, what he needs more than any actual power itself. What he has been wanting someone to tell him for years upon years, to simply believe in him.

And this is where I’m extrapolating some, but I think that All Might’s condition/situation also has a hand in causing Izuku to react so emotionally to this: previously, All Might’s secret was devastating to him, coupled with his hero rejecting his hopes and exposing nothing but a bleak, harsh reality to him, with no hesitation at all, but here, when All Might completely turns around, inspired by Izuku’s actions and remembering that strength does not make the hero, but heart (”remembers his origins”, as it were), and finally tells him what he’s been craving from someone for so long, it is so much more powerful that it’s coming from All Might in his normal, human, sickly body, and not the heroic one everyone else sees. The “heroic” form of All Might might give off more confidence (especially in his own mind), but that is also the version of him that seems so much more impossible to reach, that seems so untouchable and as far away from the current Izuku as a hero can get, and not to mention is the version of All Might that is “fake”, that he doesn’t consider truly him, and able to convey his most genuine feelings; instead, All Might chooses to give Izuku his offer not as the beautiful hero the boy has idolized all his life (that, to him, is the only version of him he’d recognize, and like, especially since his normal form is the one that, just hours ago, told Izuku to give up), but as himself, as Toshinori, in all his weak, flawed, normal humanity, and it speaks volumes that Izuku is still so incredibly moved, so happy, to hear these words from this All Might that is so different from the one he’s always known. To other kids who have quirks already, powerful or not, they can easily look to the All Might that the world sees and be inspired by him (see: Bakugou), just like Izuku did all his life, be inspired by the power of that All Might, but this new All Might becomes infinitely more relatable to Izuku, just like a child in a hospital, who can look at Toshinori’s character (heart) and body instead, that is so strong despite being so frail at the same time, and can think “If he can do everything he does like he is, then maybe even I can, too.” And what makes it even more poignant to me is knowing that, ultimately, Toshinori essentially tells Izuku what he himself has been wanting someone to reassure him of for the past five years, too; he not only sees the younger, quirkless him in the boy, but also sees the him of now, who has been losing hope and confidence rapidly under crippling weakness for years, and hasn’t had anyone to convince him that he still matters and can do good for the world.

There’s a post I’ve seen that talks about the advice “never meet your heroes, because they’re sure to disappoint you” and how this ends up being subverted when Izuku meets All Might, and it’s absolutely true. What’s so beautiful is that meeting All Might, and seeing all of his many, many flaws, actually causes him to admire him more instead of less. Everything that Toshinori despises about himself, feels guilty over, are what leads to Izuku having an even greater amount of respect for him than ever before, knowing the human side of him, the person beneath the hero; his strength despite his physical ailments is already something Izuku is moved by, but then later finding out that All Might, too, started out quirkless, just like him, causes him to feel even closer to him, and more hopeful that he can become a great hero. He no longer remains simply a fanboy of All Might, but rather, someone who intimately cares about him as a human, as his savior, as his teacher, as his father figure, and finds so much in common with him. The “buff” All Might is everyone else’s All Might, but Toshinori is Izuku’s All Might, the person who told him he could become a hero, the person who shared his heroic spirit and dreams and lack of a quirk as a kid just like him, the person who is reckless just like him, and caring and strong (yet weak) and everything Izuku is and aspires to be. Izuku knows for the entire period All Might is still able to use One For All that his time is running out, that his era is rapidly coming to an end -- and he does cry when that end finally comes, mourns for the ending of the greatest hero he has ever known and the person he looks up to more than anyone else in the world, but even when that happens, his respect and admiration for All Might still does not waver one bit. Even when he can’t fight anymore, Izuku forever considers him All Might, and he’ll never stop doing so: from the moment he tells him he can become a hero, “All Might” and “Toshinori” blend together to him, and becomes someone he eternally loves and respects all the stronger, someone he wants to make proud, someone who he never wants to stop teaching him, and being there for him. All Might starts off as a vague, figurehead idol to Izuku, an image of someone that he loves from far away, and comes to him and becomes a person, and Izuku grows to love that normal, ordinary person more than he loves any other hero. It is the best and most touching version of a “meeting your hero” story that I can think of, where their flaws are embraced, and shown positively, and empowered, adding to their best qualities instead of taking anything away.

And Izuku’s love for Toshinori is, quite literally, saving his life.

As I alluded to, after sustaining his injuries, it’s clear that Toshinori falls into a deep depression, and changes vastly from the person he was when he first started out and for most of his career. After Nana is killed by All For One, he momentarily loses himself to anger and acts selfishly over the selfless duties of a hero, and tries to murder AFO out of revenge, and nearly dies as a result. Besides the obvious ensuing terrible trauma and ptsd he would have had to deal with, and an excruciatingly long recovery period (with probably many relapses), on top of his continued grief over losing his master, not being able to work nearly as much as he could before is absolutely devastating to Toshinori. Being All Might, helping people, saving people, being a hero is what he considers his only real value, which is why he desperately and recklessly continues pushing himself to keep working for however many hours he can, even if it hurts his body, even if his “All Might” smile and jovial personality turns fake and becomes a facade only for the peoples’ sake, not something he genuinely feels anymore, because to Toshinori, if he can’t be the number one hero anymore, he is nothing.

Toshinori has never been in it for the fame or glory; from day 1, from the moment he told Nana about his idea of becoming a “symbol” for people to rely on to keep their world safe for them, so they don’t let their fear lead them into crime, he has always been incredibly humble about everything he does, and extremely self-sacrificial. Of course, a hero needs to be selfless, at least to a degree (Ochako might be doing it for personal gain, but her desire to help people is still 100% genuine, for example), but after the major turning point is his life is when Toshinori begins to take it too far. When he goes after All For One is the sole time that he loses sight of how a hero is supposed to act, and he is punished severely for it, and continues to punish himself in order to make up for his mistake and do what he believes is his necessary duty, having completely forgotten how it felt to want to be a hero, for himself, for his own dream. Being the Symbol of Peace no longer is something Toshinori feels truly passionate about, like he did in the past, but now something he does on autopilot, something that he feels like he has to continue doing just because he’s already done it for so long, been so famous and so relied on for so long, even though it’s utterly exhausting for him, exhausting on his body and exhausting on his mental state, to keep up his normal upbeat personality that everyone knows and loves, but he continues on because not being able to continue serving the people is worse than literally anything else to Toshinori. He doesn’t have anyone there to prove to him that he has value as a person, not just as a hero, let alone to tell him that it’s okay for him to finally stop and rest. As far as we know, it seems like Gran Torino and Naomasa didn’t try to dissuade him much, and though Nighteye tries, rather violently, his approach isn’t the kind that’s convincing to him, and unfortunately his revelation that Toshinori will die in five or six years if he continues working as a hero seems to backfire, and instead makes him want to continue working more instead of less; he most likely believes that he won’t be around much longer, anyway, with the state of his health, so he’s convinced that he needs to do as much as possible before accepting the inevitable end. And then, Nighteye leaves him, so Naomasa is essentially the only person to support him Toshinori has left (seriously, Nighteye, I know you care; come on!).

But this is why meeting Izuku is so important for Toshinori, as much as it is for Izuku; everything changes for him when he does. At first, all he sees in Izuku is another fanboy, trying to chase a dream that Toshinori knows very well is completely unattainable for him without any power, because of how he can do nothing, is nothing, when he runs over his time limit and can’t use his quirk anymore, and he tries to shut him down as reasonably as possible, even admitting how unfair it is (because everything about himself is unfair now, to him); he knows how he must look to a fan of his, and hates it, and doesn’t have the energy to give him any small amount of hope or comfort, because he hasn’t known what it’s like to have hope in years, so he cannot give out any in return, when to him, now, being a hero is only something that will get you hurt, get you guilt-ridden, and, for someone like Izuku, get you killed. ...But it’s when he sees Izuku in action, sees his pure, unadulterated, selfless desire to help (however foolishly), it’s like a light turns on in his mind again, because actions always speak louder than words, and Toshinori is finally, truly reminded of that feeling, that innate, original, burning desire to be a hero that he had had when he was Izuku’s age, and also quirkless, and Izuku’s passion ignites his own passion once more, after so long, and lets him see the light and inspires him to act.

And because Izuku moves him, awakens something inside him again, like this, he chooses him to be the next One For All inheritor, partly because, as I said, he sees his younger self in him, but also I think because he understands exactly how hopeless Izuku feels, and wants to do something to change that, since he can (since he believes Izuku is worthy); his own dreams have been long since crushed out of helplessness, he doesn’t want this child’s to be too, when he himself got a chance from Nana when he was just like Izuku, back then. The thing is, at first, despite the spark that Izuku initially ignited in Toshinori, he still believes that he is going to be ready to die when the fated time comes, however it may happen; he starts teaching at UA, but knows that his time with One For All is running out, and believes that once it does, or once he dies, whichever comes first, that will be the end of things, and he won’t regret it. He knows he is not a good teacher, not knowing how to help Izuku train One For All so that he doesn’t hurt himself, and he initially believes that it is simply good enough that he managed to pass on his legendary quirk before he died, the one true urgent thing he’d been worried about since he became injured.

But then, over time, Izuku starts changing him.

Slowly, without even realizing it, Toshinori is affected by Izuku’s presence, his admiration for him, his care for him even when he’s in his normal, “inferior” state. He begins to be reminded again, truly, of what it means to be a hero, why he does what he does, why he loved it, and grows to again find value, importance, confidence, in the ideals he created for himself all those years ago, that his master encouraged him to stick to, again, and shows pride in them again, despite his “shameful” and “weak” appearance. The battle at Kamino Ward is truly the turning point for Toshinori, because he goes into it believing that his prophesied death will occur there, while taking down the person who took everything from him in the process, but it’s during that battle that he suddenly truly realizes not only what I said above, but also that it’s not enough anymore for him to simply win here, it’s not enough anymore for Izuku to solely have One For All on his own: now, All Might wants to live. He wants to live for Izuku’s sake, to be there for him and support him and care for him, and for his own sake as well, because Izuku has become more than just his successor to him. He wants to live, wants to defy his fate, he refuses to die, and tells his sworn enemy as much, multiple times, has a true will to live that Toshinori has not felt so strongly ever since his injury, and it’s thanks to his students, his fellow teachers, but more than anything else, Izuku. Because Izuku never takes advantage of him, never takes him for granted, never scorns him, never makes him feel as weak as Toshinori always felt; Izuku looks at him as if he’s the sun in the sky, he respects him, trusts and wants his guidance, he loves him, and in the same way that Toshinori empowered him on that day by telling him he could become a hero, Izuku gives strength to him right back, every single day, simply by being with him, and letting him know how much he needs him, how much he can do for him.

yeah I just wanted an excuse to put these panels cause they fucking kill me bye Just as much as Toshinori no longer wants to accept death, is determined to fight against it, Izuku is determined to stand by his side and make sure he succeeds in that, by helping him and protecting him however he can. No matter how many years pass, and how much stronger Izuku becomes, and how much weaker and more “unneeded” for his training and guidance Toshinori becomes, Izuku will never, ever, ever give up on him, or stop wanting him and believing in him. It is for Izuku’s sake that Toshinori has come as far as he has, not just mentally and emotionally, but even physically: he’s making a conscious effort to wear clothes that fit him now (obviously, now he can, without his quirk, but I think it says something that he’s made the change at all, since he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t wish to), and he’s trying to get in shape as much as is possible for him; anything he can do to extend his lifespan even a little bit more, for Izuku, something he didn’t care about at all before meeting him.

And of course he doesn’t want to simply live; he tries to make a conscious effort to become a better teacher, that Izuku desperately needs, even though Toshinori knows he’s not good at it. He realizes how important it is that Izuku stop injuring himself, stop being so recklessly heroic, lest he get himself into a deadly situation just like he did six years ago (something that Toshinori had to have thought about initially, when he first turned Izuku down that day, but since became ignorant of after giving him One For All and not knowing at all how to handle the teaching/mentoring side of things), and implores Izuku’s mother to let him continue teaching him and helping him become a hero, not only because of how deeply he’s come to care about the boy, but because of how much he genuinely believes he can achieve his dream, and how much he wants to make sure things go right with him, after everything in his own life went so horribly, depressingly wrong. Wants to make sure that he doesn’t lose his precious mentor, his source of guidance, the way Toshinori did, doesn’t want him to have to struggle alone, wants to make sure he can have someone to share his feelings with, someone to lean on, so he never has to hide anything, someone he can get everything he needs from, because Toshinori, as the number one hero, has been through it all. Toshinori wants to pour his all into Izuku, protect him, raise him, lift him up, as his successor and who is basically like a son to him, after everything Izuku has given him in return, after he has done nothing but save him the entire time they’ve known each other.

And that’s ultimately the core of their relationship, in the end: two people who saved each other, are still saving each other, in the most poignant and moving of ways. Both of them acknowledge somehow that the other being there is what kept them going. For Toshinori, I most certainly believe Izuku is why he is still alive today, and I honestly believe the same for Izuku as well. Without All Might, Izuku would not have made it through the bullying, and the pitying, and the loneliness and despair, and without Toshinori, he wouldn’t have been blessed with the gift he’s been given, wouldn’t be able to being living out his dream and trying to achieve it, wouldn’t have found friends, best friends, people to talk to, happiness, encouragement, support, strength, and above all, a father figure who he adores almost as much as his mother. Without Izuku, Toshinori wouldn’t have been given someone to guide, and nurture, and protect and want to see grow, wouldn’t, I believe, have had the same relationships with the teachers and students at UA, wouldn’t have been given a family, a son, a reason after he lost One For All to keep getting himself out of bed every day and keep living. Izuku and All Might parallel each other in so many beautiful ways: both of them begin quirkless, but hopeful, with strong ideals, a desire to do good, and kind and earnest hearts, and eventually they lose their way, Izuku gradually and hesitantly, and All Might drastically, devastatingly, and messily, agonizingly and bleakly, though both of them retain their kindness despite their internal despair, and then they meet each other and... save each other, become each other’s world, give each other so much. They both look past what they consider to be their weaknesses, and see the beauty and potential in each other, and bring out the best in each other, make each other happy.

More than anything else, All Might must live to the end of the series. He must. At the beginning, he started off depressed, dying, and ready to die, but now he is hopeful, still weak, still disabled, still dying, in a way, but trying so damn hard to live, and he deserves it so much. His arc is all about him doing everything he can to make sure that happens; he “should” have died at Kamino Ward, if this were any other series, he would have, but he didn’t, because he knew Izuku needed him, just like he needs Izuku. I want him to live, I want him to age, and become old and grey, and to need more help and need technology to help him (give him a cane, give him a wheelchair, give him oxygen, give him everything), but still be alive, alive to see Izuku become a great hero just like he always knew he would be, alive to see him graduate and get married and have children, and see that for all his other students too. I want him to live, for himself, for Izuku, and for everyone in the audience who he touches, just like he does to me. I see myself in Izuku, in his emotional state and his insecurities and his tears and his uncertainty about what he can accomplish, and I see myself in All Might, in his body (so much of his body) and his pain and his frustration and his shame and his insecurities. Both of them represent what it feels like to be disabled, in different ways, literally and figuratively, and being shown that you still matter, that you’re still important and can do so much greatness, and are given the opportunity to do so, to go beyond.

That is why All Might and Izuku matter, why My Hero Academia’s hopeful, uplifting, and inspirational outlook matters. The two of them are each other’s heroes, not because of any grand spectacle, but because they made each other feel needed, important, and strong when no one else was there to give that to them, at their lowest points. That’s why they are, to me, one of the absolute best mentor/mentee relationships in anime and manga, ever.

All Might will always be there for Izuku in some shape or form... but please, Horikoshi, from the bottom of my heart, let him live. He’s still important, always will be. Don’t let him fade into irrelevance. Don’t let him die.

Izuku needs him. I do, too.

(and let him wear this outfit in canon, it’s so badass; look at those oxygen tanks! SO MUCH POTENTIAL)

“Between my inferior self, and the world that surrounds me, I form an image and try to grasp it, but it feels so far away.

That endlessly expanding sky held no clear destination, so I started to feel scared. But no matter how many times I stumbled, you were right there, smiling.”

- “Heroes” by Brian The Sun

“And when it gets too hard, and nothing seems to work, I think about the reason why you kept pushing forward. I’m meant to be the savior but you saved me instead, I tried to hold your hand but you just held me in the end.

But then what’s left for me? With no one else around, I’m stuck here with the guilt that I can’t be left alone now. But keep looking ahead because you know that you should, and don’t be sad it changed, because I’m happy that it could!

And when I feel like giving up and doubting myself, I think of every letdown, the pain that I felt. But the things that I have lost are now the weapons I wield, each one of them a flower that is always concealed.”

- “Long Hope Philia” by Masaki Suda

It’s such a shame with Druck’s focus this season.

If you’re going to bring something like the transgender experience into a show like this where each season is heavily character focused to the point of exclusion of all other viewpoints (to an extent), to me, there’s either two ways of doing things:

- focus entirely on that person (aka a David season): or

- bring the matter into the storyline in a way that facilitates the story of the main character too so that the issues can be played out fully

By that last one, I mean having the issue connected to the main character in a way that the issue you’re talking about can be explored even with this focused format to be given the respect and time it deserves as a topic to discuss.

That’s why with the original (not that I think the remakes should follow the originals closely, I love originality in the remakes) worked so beautifully because yes it introduced bipolar disorder as an element and brought mental illness into Isak’s story but we already knew mental illness was a topic Isak was affected by in some way before Even. By having the issue linked to Isak, we got to explore issues surrounding mental illness in a much more detailed way for example to impact of a parent who struggles with mental health, microaggressions and speech when talking about mental illness... once we got to know Even, he made that issue much more real. We saw his struggle, his behaviours, his highs and lows and we experienced that alongside Isak all the way through to the finale when Isak learned about mental illness himself, learned compassion with it and how to support someone etc. Yes, we could have had a very focused season for Even but regardless, the topic of mental illness was never Isak’s issue but it absolutely impacted his life and his story and his growth and all the while giving Even plenty of focus and respect and growth too... and the audience was educated and filled with affection for both characters.

What Druck is doing is admirable and wonderful to bring transgender issues into a show aimed at young people. That’s can only ever be an amazing thing. I am a cis female so I wouldn’t dream of speaking for those who share the experience and I know many many people have felt supported and represented by David. That’s a damn special thing. But I’ve felt a little confused and cringey at times with the approach Druck has taken because David has been absent for this entire story it seems.

When he WAS present, yes the love story element was so lovely, but for most of the time we were gifted that without any focus on the transgender story which is excellent as why should a sweet character like David be reduced to being a vessel for an empty PSA butttttttt the fact that the second we learn of David’s truth and he’s able to be open... he disappears from screen. I mean, narratively it makes sense because he’s clearly massively impacted by what happened but it has reduced his story to be being told by all of the other characters who have zero idea, much like me, how it feels to be David and to have his experiences. Also the focus appears to be on everything but David’s character. The chats and quite a few of the comments in clips (outside of Matteo) have been pretty on the nose and topic based and forgetting that there’s a real human behind the “issue”. Without David there to experience things with him and without this issue being tied to Matteo in a way to assist that even if David is missing then it just becomes a little empty and it’s such a shame. I mean, I cringed like mad at the social media more than once this last week and a bit.

I absolutely understand that perhaps this storyline was created to educate cis folks which isn’t a terrible thing butttttt I can’t understand why they aren’t giving trans folks a character present on screen for THEM and not as a bit of a pawn for education. He’s too cool and sweet and interesting a character to have him absent and to have his experiences aired and discussed by others. With Even and Nico and Eliott so far we have had their experiences tied closely to their Isak, we have seen an element of their struggle but only once we grew to know them as beautiful well rounded interesting people, we got to watch a character grow in knowledge and compassion for mental illness and we were able to do all of that without once losing focus on the Isak and without it ever feeling like a lesson or a lecture.

David is such an important character and one that means a lot to people but I can’t help feeling disappointed that the show chose to incorporate him in the way they have. He’s missing from the narrative and transgender issues are something nobody in the show has any connection to so the story of the transgender experience can’t really be furthered while he’s not around so what we have is a transgender teen hiding and his life being discussed by people who don’t understand, and not even in an obvious enough way to be a lesson to other cis folks in how to approach this kind of thing. Aka what not to do which they have touched upon but not really in any obvious way!

This is just me, though. I’m no doubt in the minority but I hope that when David returns, there can be the focus required. Regardless, the fact that none of this was tied to Matteo and really didn’t massively further his story (other than him perhaps learning more about the LGBT+ community etc and to be supportive)... the show dropped the ball in mental illness with his hugely prevalent in Matteo’s life (both with his mum and the show have shown in every way possible that Matteo himself struggles) and it is a massive shame that the important transgender experience as a teen has been included in this way. It’s wonderful that it’s included and I hope so many people have got something positive from it but it absolutely could have been more, for both transgender folks watching and for Matteo’s story.

Aftermath

The Phantom right after his failed assassination, recovering and plotting his next move.

The Phantom is laying silently in his hospital bed and blankly looks up at the IV-drip and the small container infusing it with morphine. He does not really need it but he prefers not to tell them why. Tomorrow he would ask them to stop the pain management, though. It slows his thinking.

His game in court went down yesterday afternoon. He was shot and brought to an emergency room in the evening. Since then he laid here, guarded at all times, having been subjected to initial questioning before being allowed to rest for the evening, as matters are being arranged further.

As things stand at the moment, his best option is to submit himself, thinking things out and see where to go from here. The mistake happened and there is no use in lamenting over it. The key to success is to keep moving, to make the best of the situation at hand. It worked in the past and got him out of ALL situations so far. It is not always clear but if you know how to take advantage of any situation without being too picky about the outcomes you will come out on top no matter what. However, the Phantom cannot deny a distinct uncertainty about his future in THIS case because of his unmasking and its relation to what and who he is. He might never be able to accept assignments again and it keeps nagging at his mind, for this is the very core of his existence. Closing his eyes, he forces those thoughts into the background, for now. Much will change, that is for sure, but he cannot skip a step to reach his goal. First, he needs to think over the events, his own actions included, and submit them to careful evaluation.

In hindsight, this particular situation of standing in court, was caused by the unfortunate death of that woman seven years ago. If the psychologist had not interrupted him he would not have been forced to silence her.  And, with her daughter’s unexpected attack and injury to his hand, the cursed moon rock would be left untouched. International law enforcements had NOTHING on him, but this moon rock threatened his absolute perfection of anonymity. He never lost sight of it. Was he afraid of his identity being exposed because of it? Well, yes, of course he was, but he never “felt” the physical clenching of his body to accompany that “theoretical feeling”. It was a mere consequence of protecting his anonymity. He does not want his identity to be known so naturally he “fears” its exposure. So what exactly did they expect when they pressed him on the matter. A yes? A no? There was, and still is, no answer to that, for he feels nothing. Except that he was growing more and more annoyed at their pestering about it. Even HE has his limits, no matter how phlegmatic he is.

The psychological profile was another weak point in this whole business and the Phantom watched Blackquill’s movements carefully throughout the years. All the taunts from within the prison reached him eventually. He knew, however, that unless he made a move towards Blackquill, the evidence being presented would be meaningless. Without a case at hand, the profile posed no threat. Leaving it be was a good strategy and with Blackquill’s death sentence finally executed it would remain meaningless forever. His HAT-2 assignment brought him back here into the vicinity, and thus it bore the risk of becoming the very case Prosecutor Blackquill needed to make his move. The Phantom could have refused the assignment, of course, but since it was a prime opportunity to deal with various loose ends at the same time, he accepted the risk. That Blackquill dared to step into the open as he did was unexpected but it did successfully lure in the Phantom. To his own chagrin, this step by the prosecutor made it impossible for for the Phantom to ignore it any longer.

He had made the decision to combine all his goals into this one assignment long before he came up with an actual plan for the day. So when he in-cooperated his personal agenda into his job, was he already too affected to think clearly? Sabotage the start - destroy the moon rock - destroy the psychological profile - get rid of Simon Blackquill and even pin the blame on the girl that caused him all the trouble in the first place. No, he failed to see how he might have been. However, his contingency plans were not adequate enough, obviously, and his opponents saw and took advantage of that.

Generally speaking his plan was not a bad one as such. It was risky, yes, as it always was, in terms of technicalities and need of contingency plans. It simply did not go the way he wanted and he had to admit that he was up against people cleverer than all of the brains of the global law enforcements together. Their unshaking believe in truth and justice, gave them the power to question everyone and everything. If they had not been so loyal to their friends…. if they had not been so…. rational amidst all the emotional drama… he would have gotten away. But he made the mistake to underestimate Phoenix Wright. Oh, the Blackquills and the police were no deal at all, but he never thought one could possibly have so much trust in someone’s innocence as that defense lawyer. Most people would have thrown the towel by the very moment the girl confessed to remembering murdering her own mother but … not Phoenix Wright.

During the later stages of him on the stand, as his words were doubted more and more, the Phantom was slowly filled with stress. An undefinable, uncomfortable contortion of his being. A “feeling” he wanted to get rid of, badly. Such distraction is undesirable. Thankfully he never really has to endure it much in the first place and that bit he encounters occasionally he can easily suppress with his apathetic nature. This time, however, the situation got out of hand due to the constraints of the situation and all control slipped out of his reach. Too many fingers pointing at him, too much doubt and perseverance in those behind the benches. They kept pounding at him and he was not able to remove himself from the situation, as he would usually do. Stress of that kind either numbs you into a silent confession or tears you apart in an outburst one. He saw that often enough in court as Blackquill’s assigned police detective. In his attempt to deal with the situation, he went beyond the point of no return and he was able to feel the wall of emptiness crumbling and breaking down.

Very well then. Then so it was. He allowed them to get him. He knew full well WHAT he was and with that also, WHO he was. Being an empty vessel for other personalities, his own desires and needs were always “theirs” as much as possible under the encompassing purpose of his being. Trying to give an answer to a question he had no idea could ever be so relevant was stressing him and apparently more than he would like to admit. So he gave them what they wanted. A display of fear. The fear itself was real enough, it just never before really made its way out from his subconscious self into the open in such intensity. It was the combination of annoyance, his patience wading, frustration over the seeming importance of emotions and feelings and the stress of his identity being revealed at any time that made him lose focus. All their hammering made him question himself. He always considered his own apathetic nature to be a quality, not a weakness. It allows him to think clearly and independently from emotional attachments and influences, without fear. Yet, these people put so much importance on the strength of emotions, trust and love, that he began to doubt himself, then and there, again. Did he miss out on something? Was he incomplete?

…

No, he left all those questions behind a long time ago. He already tried to understand others. While he learned to read and speak emotions by observation, he only barely experiences it himself. He feels empty by default most of the time. His artificial emotions served their purpose but there was never a real understanding, so he left this quest behind for a reason. It just does not work out for him. He naturally cannot not deliver what others seem to take for granted. He isn’t weaker for not responding to emotions. And the success of his assignments and his professional credence are the very proof of that. With a sigh the Phantom accepts, however, that his resolve is not strong enough yet. He will need to work on the endurance of his guard to prevent another such loss of control. For when it all came down, he found himself in a pitiful position, like a dog with its tail between its legs, wincing for mercy. Unacceptable and shameful.

Even though he is just laying in a hospital, he covers his face with his free hand to protect his privacy.

And then there was the shot.

That sniper put him out of his misery. When the bullet hit him, he felt and heard the metal of Bobby's badge give way. His chest grew cold and he fell backwards by the force of the impact. For a moment he was overwhelmed by the intensity of the sound he perceived, people gasping, screams of terror, footsteps like thunder coming his way and the deafening hammering of the Judges gavel under his own voice demanding order in the courtroom.

That moment he let go of everything and gave in. A retreat into his internal emptiness. He did not want to move or talk. No intention whatsoever to do anything else any further, neither as Detective Fulbright, nor as his own vessel. They could do whatever they wanted to do.

As he felt no pain, he was not riddled by an inexplicable fear of death. He might die, he might not. It depended on his actual condition. He could not tell if he preferred it one way or another. And without moving he was not able to ascertain his condition. He didn't lose consciousness, so he just laid there, breathing slowly, his eyes closed. He remembers Blackquill and the Chief Prosecutor ordering an ambulance. The bailiff touching him and pressing a dressing over Fulbright’s white coat to stop the bleeding. The courtroom being cleared from all spectators. The paramedics desperately trying to talk to him, without success and the subsequent transport from the courthouse to Hickfield Clinic. He refused to open his eyes but he knew that Blackquill had personally brought him up to the doors of the ambulance vehicle by the sound of his steps. It was only inside the small cabin, that he at last acknowledged the paramedic’s presence, for he had no interest in being considered unconscious. It did not help, however, as the moment he was being brought into the hospital he was being put under anaesthetics for the surgery. Needlessly in his opinion but he did not mind the passing of time in slumber and opportunity for his brain to relax from the unusual emotional impact.

When he awoke he was in single bed room. His wrist handcuffed to the bed and a police officer sitting on a chair on the opposite wall, reading the papers. When he moved to correct his position, the officer put the papers down and went outside for a moment. He sighed heavily. At the very least, his injury gave him a soft start into his … momentary capture. The effects of the anaesthetic and the pain management dulled his thinking so responding to some initial questions by the police officers was ineffective even if he had wanted to communicate. So the day went by and he only now has the time and mental strength to go over the past events, introspect and formulate a plan.

Thus, secondly, what are his current needs and which one has highest priority?

His most basic needs are covered. Food, water, shelter are taken care of, even if the quality lacks a little and his privacy is somewhat compromised. It does not matter. He himself has no demands beyond the satisfaction of those basics.

The Phantom moves his right hand. It is tightly handcuffed to the bedside. It appears that this is the biggest issue at the very moment. His personal freedom. He is detained and can’t go anywhere without supervision and physical restraints. Coming up with a plan to remove himself from this situation is certainly the most important matter to apply his brain to. This depends, however, on how they choose to deal with him. The local authorities have to go down the conventional route. They must try him in court first and then decide on the nature of his verdict. Throughout all this he is going to be placed in the detention centre. Once his case has been dealt with on domestic level, Interpol might step in. Not that they have much on him apart from the HAT incidents but they would be fools to not try and coax more out of him. Admittedly, he is actually interested to learn how much they suspect, in return. At the same time, however, their treatment of him would not be as law-abiding and humane, and he expects an escape would be a lot more complex to achieve than from the local prison here. So, if possible, keep himself under Blackquill’s wing and in the establishments he knew well. Take his leave from the detention centre…. or the prison. If Interpol takes him away he would have to act on the fly but by the initial proceedings so far he considers that unlikely.

With his free hand, the Phantom gently touches his chest, where the bullet had hit him. He can act despite this injury. The nurse mentioned that it had changed it’s path after hitting the police badge and went past his heart into his lung instead. Recovery should be swift.

Finally, he allows thoughts of his future to reclaim his mind.

The sniper. He must have come from his current employer. They alone have an interest to shut him up permanently to cover their own name. It was to be expected. As long as he is held by the law enforcements they will seek his death and even after he regains his freedom, they will never be sure if he has not revealed anything. Keeping that in mind, his constant supervision may just be of advantage to him. The rocket launch may have been interrupted but his capture broke the contract and forfeit his entitlement to his reward. With another sigh he bids it good-bye. At the very least, Fulbright had offered a comfortable standard of living unlike some of the other detectives and he was not forced to touch his own money during the past year.

His career is founded on word-of-mouth. He is a freelancer, not tied to anything or anyone in particular and he has actually found himself working against his own employers in the past. His absolute anonymity allowed it. His latest employer is a large one with a lot of international influence. If they consider him a failure, they might just be powerful enough to put him out of work, forever. He most certainly will have to get in touch with his contacts and probe how his reputation is doing. It is vital before returning to his underground circles. Before he can ascertain the true spirit of the situation, however, it is and remains of no use to ponder about it.

The heavy feeling of sleep comes over him as he actively empties his mind. One step at a time. Recover. Protect his life within prison walls. Submit to Blackquill. Avoid Interpol’s terror-treatment. Escape. Re-establish his position.

His thoughts come back and try to circle through his mind but every time the Phantom pays them no heed, they become weaker and weaker… until they finally disappear and make way for the silence of sleep.

On writing Hokushin 

(unrelated: WOW I just realized I can do headings in tumblr! WOw!!!)

I’m on a roll avoiding other work I should be doing lolll! Lately I’ve been super fortunate to have some great conversations with multiple lovely people about characterization of Hokushin. To probably no one’s surprise, I already think an embarrassingly lot about this and try to convey it in my fanworks, but I actually haven’t really sat down and articulated in depth. Shocking, I know. So here are some cleaned up/slightly more coherently organized version of thoughts!

Below the cut I basically ramble for a long time about understanding Hokushin's character with cultural/historical background and his relationship with Yusuke (and by extension Raizen). And some misc other stuff. I tried to break it out by topic, but a lot of it overlaps. One thing I don't really get into here is specific aspects of Mahayana (Zen) Buddhism, but it has an important underlying relationship with a lot of what l talk about below, and forms a significant part of Raizen and therefore Hokushin's narrative, how their characters are portrayed and framed, aaaand this is already really long. 

With all that in mind, this is one person’s interpretation! I’m no expert, I mostly just read a lot of stuff when I get obsessed with it (usually for storytelling/comics research, and then forget everything soon after lol). In any case, it'd be boring if my ideas on Hokushin were the only ones that exist, and the point of fanworks is to create for personal enjoyment/fulfillment, so please make of it what you will! All I hope is that this was at least somewhat interesting/informative and helps give people more material and more love for Hokushin =D

The loyal retainer archetype

Hokushin's character is very strongly tied to the perceived classic Japanese archetype of the loyal servant/retainer and samurai (bushi/warrior class) ideals. They come with a very distinct paradigm and set of principles. Here’s a simplified summary. 

Purpose, honour and thereby happiness comes from selfless loyalty and servitude. The fulfillment of your existence is to serve the will of your master. 

The ideal/collective whole is prioritized above an (your) individual existence. There is a greater goal that you are merely one small aspect of, and you may not even expect to understand it.

Death is not necessarily perceived as a worst-case scenario, and can be viewed as the most honourable alternative to violating your own or someone else's principles, particularly that of your master. And in some cases, it may even not be an alternative. Death is not an end, but a means to an end usually to support the beliefs held in the previous two points.

We can reference the 8 virtues of bushido - the way of the warrior, sometimes called the samurai code. Now, bear in mind nobody necessarily went around going “I’m a samurai, and this is the code I follow.” This is a list formalized in the late 19th century by writer Nitobe Inazo to explain a concept of bushido and Japanese culture for a Western audience, and then it basically got absorbed back into Japan. Thus, bushido is a pretty heavily romanticized thing, and... anyway that’s beyond the scope of this post lol. The virtues are:

Righteousness (also rendered rectitude, justice)

Courage

Benevolence/mercy

Politeness

Honesty/sincerity

Honour

Duty/Loyalty

Character/self-control

BASICALLY A HOKUSHIN RECIPE, AMIRITE?? There are also particular aesthetic sensibilities to the execution of this archetype partly based on how Japanese history and culture evolved. Bearing and sensitivity matters, more is said in what is not said, there’s stoicism and elegance and refinement and poetry etc. Mono no aware and transience of life and all that stuff.

Essentially, even if such a character disagrees fundamentally with their master's reasoning, it's not unusual for a "true" servant to still abandon their family or their lovers and follow or even precede their master to death in order to uphold their master’s principles. 

In the series, Hokushin says that he doesn't understand the king's reasons for his self-imposed abstinence, but that he still supports the king’s will. Later in the arc, he demonstrates the truth of his statement when he obviously doesn't agree with Yusuke's outrageous tactics regarding the future of their kingdom and the entire Demon World, but upholds it regardless. (As I noted in One and a Half Revolutions, the most "disobedient” Hokushin gets is when he plots strategy with the other monks for what they should do if they end up fighting each other during the tournament, and Yusuke is like YO KNOCK IT OFF NO THROWING FIGHTS. AND ESPECIALLY NOT TO MAKE ME EMPEROR. And Hokushin’s like, well you said you’re not our king anymore, so we don’t have to follow you and can do as we wish. And what we wish to do is make you Emperor. So what’s your issue. And Yusuke is like THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT)

This archetype is also NOTORIOUS for assuming a huge burden of responsibility and/or shame on behalf of their master, often in secret, for maximum service/honour value (and narrative/dramatic impact). The legendary Ako incident (the 47 ronin) is a famous historical example.

This intense commitment can be tricky to depict because you have to finely balance outward stoicism and emotional resonance, and you also want to temper things to make a character more nuanced and not just a flat stereotype - e.g., a "you say jump, I jump" personality or have readers going "omg why is this character so spineless/stupid", ridiculous levels of melodrama, etc. You still want people to be able to empathize with the character and to really feel for them when they make decisions that may otherwise seem extreme or incomprehensible. (Although in many ways there's an Eastern/Western philosophical difference in the perception and understanding of this. A simple modern example that comes to mind is in Pacific Rim, when Raleigh asks Mako why she's so obedient to Pentecost and she replies (paraphrased from memory), "It's not obedience. It's respect.")

The Hokushin decision-making flowchart

I use this very rough mental outline as a general guide if I’m struggling to decide whether or not Hokushin would do something significant. Bearing in mind interesting opportunities are usually not black and white, so “yes” and “no” below are usually more like, “yeah pretty much...” or “no, kinda not...” lol

Is it in accordance with his values? * If yes: go for it. * If no:

Is it in accordance with the will/principles of his master (Raizen, Yusuke, or whomever he’s committed to serve)? * If yes, go for it. * If no:

Does it ultimately aid the endgoals/ideals of his master? * If no: forget it. * If yes:

Can any negative consequences be minimized to affecting Hokushin only or mostly (e.g., punishment or humiliation or capture or whatever) with little to no long-term effects for his master? * If yes: DO IT!!! * If no: FIGURE SOMETHING OUT TO MAKE THIS ANSWER YES!!!!  

Situations of deceit must be handled carefully, especially as honour is a major element of this archetype. The above flowchart can sometimes help... That said, deceit can be particularly challenging to contrive within the master and servant relationship. While we don't see Raizen and Hokushin directly interacting in the series, there's extremely strong implied trust between them. We can see this from how they speak of each other to other characters, namely Yusuke. We can also extrapolate aspects of their relationship from how Yusuke and Hokushin interact, because it's repeatedly emphasized that Yusuke and Raizen are quite similar fundamentally, and Hokushin clearly assumes Yusuke will succeed Raizen.

Yusuke and Hokushin: the initial meeting

In their first meeting, Yusuke’s absolutely furious at being misled by Hokushin. The beautiful thing about the setup of this deceit is how it:

Allows us to see the values and personalities of both characters.

Enables Yusuke and Hokushin to evaluate each other.

Establishes and enhances the dynamics of their relationship.

The above lies in Yusuke’s reaction to a particular piece of information being withheld, and how Hokushin handles the situation after being called out. Remember:

Lying is generally not in line with the loyal retainer/Hokushin’s values.

Honesty and straightforwardness are also big for Yusuke.

With point 1, Hokushin deceives not by lying but by leaving out significant information: that he - and potentially by implication, some % of Raizen’s followers - still eats humans so that they don’t get weak and die. His rationale for doing so is that Yusuke, being formerly human and having lots of people close to him who are human, would have a hard time getting past that fact if he learned this on their first meeting, and would not be willing to follow them to the Demon World. Totally reasonable assumption. If Yusuke doesn’t know, he’s more likely to be receptive to joining their kingdom, which protects the interests of his king and the safety of his people. This passes our flowchart with flying colours. (I elaborate on this a bit more in A Song on All Sides.)

However, when Yusuke figures out what happened, point 2 makes this especially problematic for their relationship. We know Yusuke is all about gut feelings and first impressions, so this could’ve been an awful miscalculation on Hokushin’s part.

When I’ve talked about this scene in the past, I usually focus on how in the next few moments Hokushin’s actions allow him to pass Yusuke’s assessment of whether or not he’s trustworthy. But what’s especially great about it is that judgement is actually going both ways. Before Yusuke explains his position, Hokushin’s politeness is his professional courtesy - he’s doing his duty as Raizen’s retainer. As Yusuke speaks in both manga and anime, you can see the exact moment when Hokushin decides Yusuke is a worthy successor. When Yusuke finishes talking, Hokushin’s manner changes - I’d say subtly, but since he essentially gushes about how much Yusuke resembles Raizen for several lines that’s not really true lmao.

In any case, now that Yusuke’s been deemed worthy, Hokushin steps up immediately to rectify his mistake. And merely admitting an error and explaining himself isn’t gonna cut it in meeting Yusuke’s values - that’s just the bare minimum. A good retainer must know their master so well that they anticipate and go beyond what is merely being requested.

So when Yusuke asks for honesty, not only does Hokushin give that, he takes it one step further with his very succinct, very personal answer to Yusuke’s question of why he follows Raizen. (Paraphrased) "Because King Raizen is like you. Fighting at his side makes me happy. That's everything to me." I can't think of a more perfect reply to mollify, impress and intrigue Yusuke as quickly as that. And in both manga and anime they give Yusuke this little pause as he takes it in - the animation team makes this even more exaggerated than what Togashi did. What I also love is that the dialogue in this scene strongly implies that Hokushin knew how to respond because he knew Raizen so well.

Obviously more stuff happens in the year and a half they spend together in the Makai. Whatever happens, it's clear Yusuke comes to trust Hokushin a lot. He even tells him private, personal things of a nature we don't see him sharing with any other characters. To me, this signals that Hokushin did what a good loyal retainer does, which is to get what makes Yusuke tick and not repeat the same mistake again. (Which is why I always get annoyed at that unnecessary scene they added in the anime version of the tournament... ANYWAYS lol)

Yusuke and Hokushin: the duty of the master

Yusuke starts the series as a solitary delinquent. He despises convention and authority, and dependence on others is a pain. He generally puts on a disaffected attitude, and he often downplays serious emotions with distracting and emotionally shielding tactics like sarcasm. For a character like him, it’s pretty easy to imagine him being all “What the hell, I don’t want to be king! I don’t need a servant!! Go away”. To reject Hokushin’s presence or role totally wouldn’t be out of character. 

One of the things I love about the dynamics between Yusuke and Hokushin is that Yusuke clearly gets Hokushin's mindset, and because of it, steps up in order to be able to reciprocate the relationship. In the classic ideal, the existence of the master gives the retainer’s existence purpose. A warrior without a master is considered ronin, which is a very shameful status. The master’s duty is to be(come) worthy of the loyal retainer’s devotion and to recognize the latter’s value and loyalty, often in unspoken ways.

Yusuke doesn’t want to be king - he outright says that he doesn’t think himself smart enough to take care of everyone in his kingdom. But he accepts the responsibility of his role in his relationship with Hokushin.

Yusuke’s conversations with Hokushin tend to be discussions that are not only honest but also mature. He takes good opportunities to rely on, and to acknowledge, Hokushin as a retainer without hesitation and without pretending complaint. He actually behaves a lot like a lord in the classic relationship in terms of conveying authority, direction, and intimate concerns (in his Yusuke way lol). 

In the meeting with Yomi, Yusuke’s use of the rurimaru is shocking to Hokushin, but when you watch the way the scene is carried off, he bears himself really well in his role. He didn’t carve the rurimaru just because he couldn’t find paper for his lottery names - he specifically chose to do it to the rurimaru, and their value is clearly taken into consideration for his purpose. He also doesn’t crack jokes about having vandalized the gemstones, which, again, would not have been out of character for Yusuke. Instead, he merely presents them exactly the way they should be - as a gift - to ensure he gets Yomi’s attention about his proposal. His body language is dead serious, and he also doesn’t address Hokushin's shocked reactions through the entire scene. He only addresses Yomi. This is totally appropriate form as one ruler to another. 

And even after the kingdom is dissolved, Yusuke doesn’t abandon his people, nor shoo Hokushin off. Hokushin is nearly always at his side throughout the tournament. If we look back at the principles of the loyal retainer archetype, one of the things worse than death is to be told by their master "I don't want you for a servant. You’re a useless burden to me". Of course, another aspect of the archetype is that actions speak louder, so the worst would be actually doing things that reinforce/confirm that statement, but it would still be extremely wounding.

A very clear demonstration of the above is when the two of them arrive at the edge of Yomi's territory. The conversation is basically as follows.

Yusuke: OK thanks for guiding me here. You go home now. Dangerous I go alone you know the drill. Hokushin: No, I'm coming with you. You’re my king. It's my duty to protect you. Yusuke: *after a pause* OK fine behave yourself.

with no further argument from Yusuke. No complaints about being called king, no sarcastic remarks about having a tagalong, nothing. Which is not something we usually see or would expect from him. The emotionally downplayed way the entire conversation happens is also very typical. In light of his character and the dynamics of the master-retainer relationship, Yusuke’s behaviour is extremely thoughtful and kind. 

Yusuke and Hokushin: the duty of the servant

So Yusuke weighed Hokushin’s response and knew there there was no way Hokushin would have let him go into enemy territory alone. So? It’s not like it’s the first time he’s ever disagreed with someone over how something should be done. So what’s different about this situation, compared to how things might have gone down with any other character who is very close to/invested in Yusuke and has previously confirmed they WOULD be willing to risk death for him - Keiko or Kuwabara, for example?

The difference (aside from the fact that they’re civilians and Hokushin’s a warrior, and Hokushin’s obviously a lot stronger and more likely to survive in most situations) is that Keiko and Kuwabara are Yusuke’s friends. Or more, if you want. But even for other people close to Yusuke who ARE warriors, the biggest difference is that they are not bound in servitude to him. Again, the keyword here is duty - and that concept is huge. Yusuke’s friends want to help him. Hokushin wants to help Yusuke too, but not only that, he MUST help Yusuke. His very existence is an obligation to do so. In some cultures, especially modern ones where the emphasis is on the individual, this can be difficult to appreciate and/or seen as an illogical insanity, but it’s a matter of fact for the loyal retainer. They see themselves as an extension of the will of their master.  

Keiko and Kuwabara and any of Yusuke’s other friends mentally would have a normal person pause of “This is ridiculous, stupid Yusuke, you’re crazy!!” and still try to do self-preserving-type things in most instances. To some degree, there’s still an aspect of their decision-making that is not only about Yusuke. They still have a sense that in their relationship with him, they have roles of similar or equal value/weight.

That’s absolutely not true for the loyal retainer. The servant is not equal to the master and the servant firmly believes this because that’s what their existence is defined by. Plus those ingrained principles. For Hokushin, there’d be no normal person pause. We’d zip through that flowchart and he’d be like “You’re crazy. But you’re my king. Guess I’ll die” and like jump into an active volcano or whatever. He would be completely and unhesitatingly willing do something, whether it’s spur-of-the moment or deliberately planned, that would result in death if he thought it’d help safeguard Yusuke/achieve Yusuke’s endgoal. And obviously that's the last thing Yusuke wants.

With this character archetype, this is where a lot of stories end up going for the “and then one of them pretended to let the other person have their way before SURPRISE KNOCKING THE OTHER PERSON UNCONSCIOUS TO PROTECT THEM, and then they went on to do their selfless ‘getting killed in your place’ thing” which I’m super glad Togashi never resorts to. Since all the above builds up to a huge part of what makes the reveal of Yusuke’s gift to Yomi extra effective - Hokushin’s reactions. This is largely why the scene is so comical, because Hokushin’s manner grows more and more freaked out - and entertaining, being in direct contrast to his stoic retainer archetype. Meanwhile, as mentioned previously, Yusuke’s bearing (if not his manner of speaking...) is exactly as a lord in the midst of negotiations would be. (My favourite part is where Hokushin still tries his best to address Yusuke properly as king, before losing it when he finds out Yusuke vandalized the rurimaru. In the manga, his expressions are beyond hilarious. In the anime, his scramble to recover the appropriate body language is really cute. His constantly shifting expressions throughout the background of this entire episode are great too. I always really like the faces in the episodes directed by Enomoto Akihiro.)

Finally, food.

One more challenge with Hokushin is his diet. He needs to eat humans or will suffer from the same malnutrition that is sapping Raizen’s energy and killing him. At the same time, he’s depicted as a character of integrity and compassion, so I always feel obligated to think carefully about the topic of procuring a human for food. I take a stab at an idea in the prequel Mirror Most Dark. However, the approach isn’t very feasible for the time period of actual Yu Yu Hakusho.

From a writing perspective, the problem is one of scale. It goes beyond Hokushin as an individual to the situation of a reliable/sustainable food source in Raizen’s kingdom for the % of Raizen’s population that needs it. And whatever it is, Hokushin is likely highly involved as the main instrument of Raizen’s will. I have some ideas but haven’t really cared to flesh (haha) them out to a point that’s satisfactory to me yet, so it’s only barely touched on in One and a Half Revolutions. This is far less of an issue after the series ends, when you can easily come up with ideas on how they’re looking for or have found alternatives, but during the time period of the actual series your options are more restricted. 

I have lots more stuff around these themes and ideas planned for North Bound too I JUST NEED TO GET AROUND TO DRAWING THEM

In conclusion, thank you for reading this mess lmao.

Oh, and Tumblr? One more thing.

I love the fact that you’re getting rid of adult content, but still embracing abuse, kink-shaming, white supremacy, harassment, death threats, animal abuse, neo-Nazis, conspiracy theories, and all kinds of hatred.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my.

And before you cry outrage, please allow me to explain:

You see, you say that you can ban all of the “female-presenting” nipples, eliminate sex workers’ safety, remove artists whose work focused more on kink than kittens, and consensual sexual enjoyment between one or more people simply by flipping a switch.

Simple, yes?

And yet, regardless of your claims of making Tumblr a more welcoming environment, I can think of at least fifty blogs focused on white supremacy, neo Nazi glorification, non-consensual degradation of the opposite sex, gleeful cackling about non-Christian hatred, and glorification of murder and violence that I’ve stumbled across in the last week alone.

And what was I doing with my kinky self that led me to finding those blogs?

I was looking for recipes

I was following some fantastic photographers

I was watching costuming videos

I was enraptured with makeup tutorials

I was reading memes

I was keeping abreast of up with the news

I was reading serialized stories

I was looking for Christmas gifts

I was weeping with a friend over the loss of her cat

I was delirious with joy when my favorite author released a new book

I was chatting with friends

I was reading about a new restaurant

I was rolling my eyes at various animal antics

I was learning more about foreign countries

I was snorting with laughter at some truly execrable puns

I was watching movie trailers

I was trying to figure out whether or not I could replace the base model dash unit in my car on own, or if I should leave that job to a professional (side note: I’m leaving it to a professional)

And yes, I have to admit that I was taking a bit of time to appreciate and enjoy some of the kink and carnality that makes Tumblr the platform it is.

Or, as of tomorrow, what once made Tumblr the platform it was.

After all,

Tumblr celebrates creativity. We want you to express yourself freely and use Tumblr to reflect who you are, and what you love, think, and stand for.

https://staff.tumblr.com/post/180758987165/a-better-more-positive-tumblr

And that was what I was doing.

But even ignoring my own situation, here’s the biggest problem I have with your claims, and how they don’t hold up to your actions.

Are there blogs that have both content that well may deserve being banned at the same time as having content that shouldn’t? Absolutely. And, that said, if your software and personnel were as on-point as you claim they are, you should be able to recognize them.

Are there blogs that have content that you’re now deeming should be banned, even though it’s completely legal, completely consensual, and completely focused on expressing ourselves freely, and using Tumblr to reflect who we are, and what we love, think, and stand for? Indubitably. And, that said, if your software and personnel were as on-point as you claim they are, you should be able to recognize them.

It is our continued, humble aspiration that Tumblr be a safe place for creative expression, self-discovery, and a deep sense of community. As Tumblr continues to grow and evolve, and our understanding of our impact on our world becomes clearer, we have a responsibility to consider that impact across different age groups, demographics, cultures, and mindsets. We spent considerable time weighing the pros and cons of expression in the community that includes adult content. In doing so, it became clear that without this content we have the opportunity to create a place where more people feel comfortable expressing themselves.

Bottom line: There are no shortage of sites on the internet that feature adult content. We will leave it to them and focus our efforts on creating the most welcoming environment possible for our community.

https://staff.tumblr.com/post/180758987165/a-better-more-positive-tumblr

Thank you for that, Tumblr. Thank you ever so much.

Thank you for telling us that we don’t belong. That we don’t need a place to call home. That we should go back into the closet, or onto the streets, or head to a place where there’s nothing but porn, because you think someone who draws hentai as well as kittens and flowers should be relegated to Xtube or PornHub rather than risk upsetting the delicate sensibilities of your investors shareholders other users.

Thank you for telling us that we have the choice of the wimple or the walk of shame.

What is "adult content?"

Adult content primarily includes photos, videos, or GIFs that show real-life human genitals or female-presenting nipples, and any content—including photos, videos, GIFs and illustrations—that depicts sex acts.

What is still permitted?

Examples of exceptions that are still permitted are exposed female-presenting nipples in connection with breastfeeding, birth or after-birth moments, and health-related situations, such as post-mastectomy or gender confirmation surgery. Written content such as erotica, nudity related to political or newsworthy speech, and nudity found in art, such as sculptures and illustrations, are also stuff that can be freely posted on Tumblr.

https://staff.tumblr.com/post/180758987165/a-better-more-positive-tumblr

Thank you for telling female-presenting individuals -- regardless of their gender, and regardless of whether or not they’re choosing to go through with gender confirmation surgery -- that they’re to cover themselves up as long as they look like females.

Thank you for telling at least half of your membership -- or, to be more specific, at least half of the world’s population -- that they should be ashamed of their bodies, and they should cover them up because ... because of ... wait ... other than Puritanical nonsense and the notion that men can’t control their lustful thoughts should they catch sight of a well-turned ankle in a high-buttoned boot, why should they have to cover them up? 

As a global platform for creativity and self-expression, Tumblr is deeply committed to supporting and protecting freedom of speech. At the same time, we draw lines around a few narrowly defined but deeply important categories of content and behavior that jeopardize our users, threaten our infrastructure, and damage our community.

https://staff.tumblr.com/post/180758987165/a-better-more-positive-tumblr

Thank you for telling us that we -- the very community for whom you claim concern -- are creating content and practicing behaviors that jeopardize your users, threaten your infrastructure, and damage your community.

Thank you for telling us that we’re not allowed to be comfortable expressing ourselves because -- ironically enough -- you wanted to "have the opportunity to create a place where more people feel comfortable expressing themselves.”

Thank you for letting us know that you’re more comfortable sending an eighteen-year-old to a porn site to try and understand their sexuality than you are telling a forty-year-old that a smile and a thong might be a touch too risqué for their profile photo.

Thank you for telling us that our very existence is harmful.

We recognize Tumblr is also a place to speak freely about topics like art, sex positivity, your relationships, your sexuality, and your personal journey. We want to make sure that we continue to foster this type of diversity of expression in the community, so our new policy strives to strike a balance.

https://staff.tumblr.com/post/180758987165/a-better-more-positive-tumblr

Really? That’s why you’re doing this? To strike a balance?

A balance between censorship and ... what?

What balance, precisely, are you seeking?

You’re getting rid of the people who came here because of the community, and who helped make this one of -- if not the -- premier blogging platforms, attempting to fob off your actions as “we don’t think porn fits in with our current business model,” and then trying to claim that these steps you’re taking to marginalize, evict, and shame us are a means of striking a balance.

Really? Really? That’s the line you’re choosing to take?

Bollocks to that.

You see, if you were trying to strike a balance, you’d be a little more focused on how to make sure what you refused to allow was harmful, and what you chose to allow ... well ... wasn’t.

But thank you. Really, I mean that. Thank you.

Thank you for telling us that our self-flagging isn’t good enough.

Thank you for telling us that our choice to set our blogs to explicit isn’t good enough for you.

Thank you for telling us that you don’t screen your membership to prevent underage individuals from accessing explicit blogs.

Thank you for telling us that our lives are less important than your pocketbooks.

Thank you for telling us that we don’t matter to you.

And thank you for proving that -- for all your claims of being intolerant of behavior that you feel shouldn’t be made available at risk of offending others or making them feel unwelcome -- you’re more interested in keeping hatred alive than you are happiness.

Oh wait ... didn’t you claim that you were intolerant of that? Let me check ...

---

The new Community Guidelines will go into effect on September 10, 2018. After that, if we determine a post or blog is promoting hatred, glorifying violence, or is engaging in the unwanted sexualization of another person, it will be taken down. This includes (for example) posting Islamophobic, anti-Semitic, or anti-LGBTQ+ content to promote or incite violence or hatred; using symbols of hate movements to intimidate or harass others; and the glorification of mass murderers

https://staff.tumblr.com/post/177449083750/new-community-guidelines

---

Well will you look at that? You actually pretended that you cared.

Sure Tumblr. Sure.

Let’s face it: you’ve done a really good job of getting rid of the blogs that make people clutch their pearls as well as their sphincters, but you’re doing a piss-poor job of getting rid of the people who would love to bash the people you’re saying don’t deserve a place to be themselves.

Do you want to get rid of pedophilia and bestiality blogs? I’m behind you 100%

Do you want to get rid of actual sex trafficking? I support that wholeheartedly.

Do you want to get rid of the porn bots? For the love of all that’s holy, please do.

But here’s the thing: you’re not just hoping to get rid of them, you’re getting rid of all of the people who have used you in good faith for over a decade, and who are now being told that you’ve decided they’re not worth supporting because they believe in healthy sexuality, well-deserved self-empowerment, and the right to not only be who they are and who they want to be, but to be safe while doing so.

You’re getting rid of the blogs that help people focus on their sexual health

You’re getting rid of the blogs that help people understand that sex isn’t bad, or evil, or something to be afraid of

You’re getting rid of the blogs that help sex workers network, and reach out for support, and tell funny stories about their lives, and share with each other the best ways to stay safe

You’re getting rid of the blogs help people understand that their bodies aren’t weird just because they’re underweight, or overweight, or thinking about breast reduction/enhancement surgery

Bollocks to that.

You’re not just erasing our blogs, you’re doing your best to erase who we are, and to fit a number of oddly-shaped pegs into your startlingly square holes.

And you claim to be doing it because you care about supporting your base, many of whom have relied on you since your inception to not only support us, but to allow us to support one another.

Let me repeat something I quoted above:

We spent considerable time weighing the pros and cons of expression in the community that includes adult content. In doing so, it became clear that without this content we have the opportunity to create a place where more people feel comfortable expressing themselves.

https://staff.tumblr.com/post/180758987165/a-better-more-positive-tumblr

Mmm.

Without that content you have the opportunity to create a place where more people feel comfortable expressing themselves.

It does make me wonder, though, why that content is so bad, when other content seems to hang about.

You know, sites like Good Night Zionist Parasite. Admittedly, it’s only been around for five years, reported a few dozen times, and had a number of other bloggers post their pleas begging you to do something about it, so it’s probably been grandfathered in.

And I can almost understand why you’ve left the three-year-old blog européenne alone. After all, it does showcase some truly some stunning photographs, and I’m sure you didn’t want to lose those even with the dozens of images of racially-charged and sexuality-based hangings and beheadings scattered through it, and its calls for nationalist pride weren’t too terribly prevalent.

And in your defence, you may not have known that Honour the 14 Words was a white supremacist blog: not many people know that it’s tied to the slogan David Lane wrote, even though it has been the most popular white supremacist slogan in the world for over a decade.

I do wonder, though, how White Warrior 1423 and Sieg Heil slipped through the cracks. Now they are only about two years old, and they only brag about the number of times they’ve been reported and cleared a few times, so I’m sure that wasn’t too upsetting to your team; and, once I realized that those blogs passed your litmus test, I really can’t complain about you allowing The Nazi Master, Snow White Pride, Conservative Kings, Nazifacista, Pasternak, Pride Makes us Strong, Eternal Hitlerian, Blitzkrieg Fritz, You Cant Stop Us [sic], and White Lives Matter to make the cut as well.

I do have a few questions about how My Beautiful Rocket -- which has some of the most stomach-churning images of death, gore, and dismemberment I’ve ever seen, and that includes the two autopsies I’ve observed -- is acceptable to you, but perhaps it’s being kept around as a reminder of how not to look when one’s been beaten to death, or had their skull split open, or had their tongue torn out. Hm. or was that another one of the half-dozen gore and mutilation blogs I had the misfortune of stumbling across? Well, no matter: I’m sure you have your reasons.

And really, with those being acceptable, I probably shouldn’t complain about the multitude of blogs focused on self-harm, or the ones showing men tying up and torturing other men by breaking their arms and fingers, or by leaving their significant others with bruises, visible contusions, and -- in one case -- broken stumps of teeth tearing through their gums. In those cases, I’m sure they would have liked to be able to reach out to the owners of the blogs where the users talk about the quantity of crystal meth they’ve purchased, and how they show the difference between smoking for relaxation and pain relief vs injecting it for a euphoric rush and burst of energy. 

Then again, I have to admit that those sites fit hand in glove with the ones filled with video after video of explosive regurgitation, those focused on squeezing pimples and evacuating clogged sinuses, and the ones where people are crying out for help and the majority of the comments are begging them to kill themselves, sending links to blogs about how they deserve to die and the best ways to do the deed, and offering to supply the rope or gun.

To be fair, though, the youngest one of those is only a couple of years old, so I’m sure -- regardless of the number of times they made it through the review process and a token time out or two -- that it wasn’t that much of a problem.

After all, none of them had any photographs of female-presenting nipples.

And so that brings me back to my original point: you claim that you’re kicking us out and saying that we are -- in essence -- unworthy of being on your site because our very existence jeopardizes your users, threatens your infrastructure, and damages your community.

Really? You want to make this a better place? You want Tumblr to be a safe place for creative expression, self-discovery, and a deep sense of community? You want to create a place where more people feel comfortable expressing themselves?

Prove it.

If you want us to even begin to believe that you’re doing this because you honestly care about making Tumblr a better place, or that you have even the slightest shred of integrity and self-awareness, then put your monetization where your mouth is and kick off at least another quarter of your user base, because if you’re forcing people off your platform because they dare to show a bit of skin or talk more freely about sex and sexuality than you would like, then you can be damn sure that we’re going to call you out on your blatant and unrepentant hypocrisy at not doing the same thing to the people you claimed to find distasteful well before you decided to kick the kink to the curb.

On September 4, 2018, Bob Jones University separated the men and the women students for the “Chapel Hour.” This was a Chapel service. This was not a class preparing students for job interviews. This was Chapel. 

This is Bob Jones University’s current explanation and justification for their dress code from a Board Member of Bob Jones University Education Group. 

Listen to it. Is this what you want your young adult daughter to learn? Is this how you want her to be connected to her neighbors? By sneering at others’ shoes? By poor-shaming because another person -- a friend, a colleague, a church member, you -- wears something a BJU student judges as not demonstrating “sharpness”? By “taking it up a notch” in her own clothing, not just to land a job, but in some weird, self-righteous contortion that God requires your/her/our stylish representation?

This is not the Gospel. This is not education. This is not professionalism. This is nothing more than Pharisaical judgment. But it’s all Bob Jones University.

Steve Pettit:

This morning we are honored to have speaking in our Chapel Hour, Mrs. Vicki Peek. When we made a dress code change this year where we moved our dress to Business Casual, I wanted to set aside a chapel time to actually bring someone in that I felt like would be the absolute best person to come and speak and really just kind of give a big picture of what we're trying to accomplish here in the matter of our dress code. Obviously dress is important, and we want to do it in a way that we honor the Lord. But at the same time prepare people for the future to do what is appropriate and what is professional.

And so this morning we have Mrs. Vicki Peek. Vicki is the Executive Vice President of Find Great People. Her leadership has been a catalyst in the organization’s sustained growth of over 2500% and in receiving several awards from an Inc 500 Company to a Best Place to Work in South Carolina company. She has led Find Great People to become a nationally recognized, Top 50 Search Firm. She is a certified leadership coach with the Registered Corporate Coach designation.

She is a graduate of Bob Jones University with a degree in Business Education and a Master's degree in Human Resources Development from Clemson University. She was a professor here in the School of Business at BJU before she went to work with Find Great People. She is a pastor's wife. Her husband Stacy is the pastor of Grace Baptist Fellowship. My mind went blank on that one. Sorry. And they serve the Lord together here in town. She is the mother of two children. Both her children graduated from Bob Jones, her daughter Lauren and her son William. And most importantly, she is a brand new grandmother.

And so we are very happy to have Vicki here. She'll come and speak, and I'll finish out our time. Let's give her a warm welcome to Bob Jones.

Vicki Peek:

Thank you, I'm glad we got to the important [Grandchild's Name] introduction. She is five months old.

It's a privilege to be with you today, and I'm glad we get to talk about a topic that is near and dear to my heart. [3:00] Something that for years I've been trained to think about. And now I help others as they go into the business world or any career really or even into the community fully prepared.

As women, we can probably relate to at least one of these scenarios. Shopping weeks and weeks and buying five different outfits to bring home to decide which perfect outfit do we want for that party or that event that we are going to. Packing for a trip and bringing several suitcases with us for a two-day trip because we like options, right? We get that call for an important internship or interview, and we panic because we start looking through our closet and thinking what in the world are we going to wear?

Having one of those mornings where it takes about seven different outfits to finally hit that one thing that works? And by the way, it's a Monday. And then we're walking out of our room or we come down the steps at home, I can't remember, and our roommate says, "You're wearing THAT?" And then the day just gets worse from there.

And then finally seeing someone out and about with something on and you look and you think, "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should."

So being prepared is very, very important. That is my unique background as Dr. Pettit mentioned: I am a wife; I am a mom of a 23 and 24 year old. So we have many of these conversations as they have gone through college years and are preparing into the work force today. He mentioned I'm Nana to [Grandchild's Name], our granddaughter, and I'm a pastor's wife, so interacting not only with our church family but community. Among several non-profits to work with community.

And then I taught here for 17 years in the School of Business. And one little detail: I started here actually in K5. So I went all the way through BJ. And it's just . . . I'm so privileged to continue to be connected to the University. And I appreciate so much the education that I received. That prepared me for who I am today.

And then finally, you know I'm a leader at Find Great People. I've been there 26 years and counting. So that has been a journey that I've grown through the years. And our focus really is on the whole career path whether it be entry level people starting out or executives looking for another job.

So teaching for years, how I did. First of all, but I love your season of life. As college students, you have so much potential. It's great. It's a great time for God to really use this to mold and shape you as your prepare for life. You challenge me, and you're a lot of fun to be around. So it's exciting to see what God is going to do in years to come. [6:16]

And then working in the recruiting industry, every day I find people whether it's the candidates looking to change positions or they are interviewing for that special job. And talking about not only their background and experience but how they present themselves from an appearance perspective.

And then guiding companies of all sizes and industries on making that right choice on the candidate that is that best fit. And then I get a lot of just phone calls from friends or my kids' friends and colleagues to ask advice.

And so this seems to be a daily focus for me, and I do think that it's really important.

So I'm going to share my thoughts. I'm going to share some principles. [7:00] But I really today want to communicate some guiding things. But I trust most of all that you would hear my heart that it would really be a time of expressing what I see but also this is an encouragement for you.

Today I do want you to encourage to think about ... how you would communicate through how you look, your appearance, your dress.

I want to inspire to think bigger than where you are right now. So some of you are Freshmen and you are just starting out, and this journey seems like an eternity. And some of you are months away, you're seniors, and you're either a semester or two away from graduation. And it's definitely on your mind. Just what is that step?

And whether it's going into a career or just into the community and have a huge impact. . .  your life. Maybe it's being in a home or a neighborhood -- it's all important. And then finally, I want to provide some guidance, some basic practical tips that you have probably heard before, but I want to emphasize them as you reflect on just what you choose to wear each day.

Feel free to jot down some notes. I'm going to talk about some Scripture verses and also just some tips throughout. [8:19]

So to begin there's an overall focus that I want to consider, and this is really kind of that overarching theme that everything I say needs to come up under this: and that is that we represent, you represent Someone greater than yourself when we make choices especially about our appearance. 8:41

If you are a follower of Jesus, you are not your own. You have been bought with a price. I Corinthians 6.

We have to conduct ourselves in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ. Philippians 1.

We are to adorn, to beautify ourselves with modest apparel. That which is proper, discrete, respectful. I Timothy 2. [9:03]

Present our bodies as a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God. And then be not conformed to this world but be ye transformed. Romans 12.

And then to bring glory to God in all that we do. Whatever we do, whether we eat, whether we drink, whatever we do, do all to the glory of God. I Corinthians 10.

So no matter what the standard is, because there are going to be lots of different standards as you go through life, our main focus really should be on representing God, bringing glory to Him, and presenting ourselves in a way that truly does glorify and honor Him.

I also want to mention that dressing takes intentionality. So as we wake up and we all have choices each day, I would encourage you to be intentional. The way that we dress communicates something.

It's interesting. We make an impression I've seen everything from nanosecond to under ten seconds. But the point is really quickly we make an impression. And probably about 55% or maybe even higher of that impression is non-verbal. I had the opportunity to walk through our lobby a lot. We have a lot of different people sitting in our office waiting to interview with a recruiter. And I don't even engage in any type of hello, I just pass through, and I make a quick impression. Whether we like or not, we create perception about ourselves.

So we always have to be mindful that everything we put on from within is an expression outside. And people gather ... they gain that perspective just by looking at us before we even said hello.

Plan ahead. [11:01]

So think about what you're going to wear. Now I realize that you are in school, classes. The last thing some mornings that you want to do is think about what you're going to wear and dress up. But I do want you to think of some days to at least try this, but you all look great. But this is a training ground for the future. And so whether it be throughout each day but even beyond that, how you think about what we're going to wear, we need to plan ahead and take time to prepare.

Appropriateness is a real thing. So we've come further with appropriate. We roll our eyes maybe and walk away and say, "oh everybody says 'Is that appropriate?'" But it really is a real thing. Each environment has a standard or a guideline. And as you think about events, social gatherings, client meetings, if you're interacting with different customers, all have an appropriate dress standard. We dress up for certain things. We dress down for certain things. We suit up, we become very casual. And that depends on the event and the activity that we are going to engage in. We need to think, "Is this appropriate for where I'm going?"

One rule of thumb that I often encourage is that if the standard is here, go here. You don't want to go here so that you become a little bit of an oddity in that "Wow we're WAY overdressed?" But if the standard is here, go here. We kind of tend as humans to go to the lowest common denominator or just the bottom of what's thought of or appropriate or the guidelines that are required. But I would encourage you to step it up a notch even from what the standard is as you think about what you're going to wear.

Choose appropriate shaped clothing and fit. Follow your intuition. So as you put on clothes, if you don't feel comfortable in them or even that minute of "I'm not so sure about this." There's a reason that you have that prompting. And I would encourage you to follow your intuition.

And then ask others for guidance. Ask them for their opinion. There are many times I know I'm out and about shopping and I try something on and I really, really like it. And I get home and I try it back on, and I'm thinking, "I don't recall that it fit like that when I tried it on in the store. It's a little bit tighter than what I thought." And so if I were to just pause and often ask others. You know, "Is this too tight? Is this too low? Is this appropriate to our work?"

Look sharp. I'll let you define what sharp is. But we all know. When we see people out and about, where is the sharpness of college, whatever word you want to put into that phrase. But just that sharpness? That added attention to detail that really, really makes a difference? And creates an impression that it's not that this is bad and this is, you know, the ONE, but it's sometimes good, better, and best? So take it to that next level and have a sharpness about you. I've seen people in a casual outfits, and they have that sharp look that it really adds to what they've chosen to wear and really provides just a great perception.

Iron your clothes. I know. That is a tough one. I don't love to iron. My husband usually will say as I'm walking out the door, "Don't you need to iron that?" And then I know it's really wrinkled. But definitely iron your clothes. I've had, I've had tons of interviews with people ... and they come in. The shirt was MORE than wrinkled. It was one of those where, you know, the laundry isn't folded at all, and it's still in the basket, wadded up. But it's all about our presentation and how we choose to present ourselves. [15:32]

And then don't let anything be a distraction. Hair. Makeup. The entire look. It's an ensemble. And so think about, when I put on clothes, my outfit, it should never be a distraction. I would say, when I walk out of an interview, if I'm talking about what they chose to wear? That's not a good thing. But if I'm talking about what they are going to, their experience, their potential? That's what you want to convey. For us, even if we're not in a job interview, if people leave us, and they are talking about the joy that we bring, the happiness that we demonstrate, they are not talking about what we choose to wear, I think that's a positive.

Strike a balance. We can become prideful on both sides. We can become prideful saying, "Oh I don't put time and attention into that." On the flip side, we can be prideful saying, "that's all I think about." So I would encourage you to be very balanced in our focus, in your focus, in our perspective.

I want to shift gears for just a quick minute t[o]o and I want to give you some practical guidelines as you think about dress. Again this is nothing earth-shattering, but these are common principles that I think are a value. And I've done a lot of just years of experience but also research. And you start seeing common themes, and then you know, "Okay. I'm on to something." This is definitely concerned by what I see out there.

The University has changed to Business Casual. I think it's fantastic. How does this relate to you? As you go into the work force or, like I said, the community whether it be in the summers or now as you are in the Greenville community or you start to prepare for your career, I would say that the majority of the cultures are Business Casual. So we've gone from everything from professional to business casual to casual. But the majority, I would say, even the accounting firms, the law firms, the banks some of them are still on the professional side. But a lot of them have shifted to Business Casual which is an interesting shift.

So a lot of this is based on industry. A lot of this is based on size. You've got a lot of these start-up companies and they're kinda jeans. That's their culture. You're going to have a lot of different cultures out there that you'll encounter. But I would say that the majority of them are going to be Business Casual.

Most organizations -- 99.9999% -- will have a dress code. So I'm mentioning that because sometimes we become very much in the thinking of "oh this is just the school's rules" or "this is a guideline, and when I get out I don't have to deal with any guidelines." We as an organization are paid by clients all over the United States to actually write guidelines and policies around dress. And so every organization just about is going to have some time of a dress code or dress guidelines. So this is a great time for you all, it's a training ground really to see what is current, what you should wear, within the guidelines which you have here .... But there are times that you can transfer as you get out into the work force.

A lot of places might call it Smart Casual. It's interesting Business Casual. So we go straight to the word "Casual" with the word "Business" in front of it. So it's that combination of that smart professional look with a casual flair as you look at clothing in the determination of that.

So the first thing is: be current. Look at trends. Trends are not bad? Being trendy you can still be modest. You can still be appropriate. But be within the current guidelines of what is out there in the workforce as far as option and be current.

I'm going to talk about the power of shoes. So I know that's not the first thing you'd think that I'd start with. But shoes. A lot of times I'll see a great outfit, and I'll get to the shoes. And it's like "ew." Think about shoes. Now here you're walking all over campus so you don't need to wear heels everywhere. But that's some type of heel if you really want to dress something up. Even if you're dressing very casually, a wedge heel? Some type of small heel. It doesn't need to be really high heel. But you'd be surprised how some small heel will give you confidence as you walk? And it just takes your outfit up a notch. So the power of shoes. I want you to think about that. Don't everybody go buy twelve pairs of shoes....

Invest in quality basics. So I like to stick with neutrals. Blacks. Greys, Navy. Pants or skirts. And/Or skirts. Both are acceptable. Again look at what is current. I recommend looking at places like Banana Republic, Ann Taylor Loft, T. J. Maxx, Old Navy, Marshalls. A lot of them run sales, so if you wait long enough, you'll find some good sales. But also I think those are great resources to see what's current out there. And just buy one or two or three basics. And then add to that a pop color as far as a blouse or a sweater or a jacket and then, of course, jewelry.

Keep hemlines around the knee. And I find there are multiple candidates [?] where I went to in the past where we got to decline not because of their background because of what they chose to wear. Too low in an outfit or too high of a skirt or are really not put together....

When I'm interviewing, I actually like to have people come back two or three times. Anybody can buy that first interview outfit, and it looks amazing. But I love to see what you choose to wear second and third visit because it tells me a lot about you. It also gives me that guidance and that picture of how polished you are. And so, remember that. When you have two or three outfits to wear, you're ready to present yourself in a way. So getting back to representing Christ. [22:50]

Make sure everything is clean and pressed. That it's ironed, as I mentioned. Stick to the essential neutral colors, I mentioned that. And then accent.

Wear makeup, but not too much. So getting back to balance. Definitely makeup. But you don't want so much makeup to where we talk about your makeup. So get that good balance as we look at options out there.

I want to encourage you as you buy clothes to really recognize the importance of how you present yourself. So take time to recognize this is so much bigger than ourselves. This is about God, and this is about representing Him.

Consider this time in college as an amazing time of preparation. Prepare for the workplace. Preparing for the community. Preparing to make a difference. And so really look at this time as an awesome opportunity as you go for four years or one year remaining that you are intentional about that.

And then I want you to think about identifying a role model or a mentor. And I would even encourage you a step further. Find someone in your field that you're going into. And . . .  or look at where you worked in the past, is there a boss that you really respected for their appearance? how they represented themselves? And so identify them. I have several girls who I meet with monthly or every two months. And just to talk about life? But also dress? And appearance? And sometimes we want to grow and develop, but we need that encouragement that it's more than just our skills. Sometimes it's how we care about ourselves.

And yes, that's an incredible offer to lead. I love the mission to learn, to love, and to lead. And here at BJ you have that added benefit of examples all around you. Of faculty and staff that pour their lives into you. And they can be incredible mentors for you as well. But I really challenge you to think of opportunities. Think of this as an opportunity to evaluate where you are today. This does not have to mean I have to have a lot of money to do this. You can go to consignment shops. You can do this very economically. But we put a lot of time and money into other things? And they aren't really as important as sometimes what we do to represent ourselves for Christ. So I would encourage you to evaluate. Ask friends, you know, "What is one thing that you think that I should adjust?" and get that guidance. But most of all represent Christ well.

Thank you.

Steve Pettit:

As we close, I want to say just a couple of key thoughts and actually some things I'm very thankful for. First of all, I'm very thankful for the positive response that we had to the dress code change, and actually your positive example in the fact that you have looked sharp, and I appreciate that. I was actually yesterday, this sounds weird, but I was actually counting how many girls were wearing skirts and pants yesterday. In my walk. That's odd, but you know, I think, I think, two out of three girls were in skirts. I thought, "Well, that'll be interesting what it's going to be like in January. It probably will be a little different.

But I'm going to thank you personally for your positive response, for respecting your appearance, and for the way that you have, if I could say it this way, you made it easy for someone like me to make this kind of change? And you actually go great! This is awesome ... change. It will give you options. And obviously we want to honor the Lord.

So two things as I finish: one is I would encourage you to take some time to look up the Bible verses that actually speak about these matters. So things like I Timothy 2 or I Peter chapter 3 or Proverbs chapter 31. Just take time to think through the things Vicki has stated and also what is the biblical standards for the way that I should be living.

And then finally, if I could summarize my thinking toward the dress code. It is actually simply this: it is learning to live as a Christian within the confines of your own culture. I said this last week that this is the South. And this is not like, this is not like Wyoming or Arizona. So the culture is definitely different, and we get that. But it's learning to live as a Christian reflecting Christ within the framework of your culture and where you live. And it's really that simple. And if we get that and understand that, then I believe we would reflect Christ at least in our appearances and the way we live wherever we go.

So thank you very much. Let's pray and you'll be dismissed.

I doubt nicknames will be necessary - Part 13

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12

AO3 Link 

Laurent did not mean to spy.

As a matter of fact, he wasn’t doing anything of the sort. He was merely lounging about on Damen’s bed, waiting for him to return, while Damen made a phone call. It was not his fault Damen thought a half-closed door and no attempt at lowering his voice was enough to drown out his side of the conversation.

He tried to focus on the cadence of Damen’s voice rather than on what was being said. Damen had a pleasant voice; Laurent had always thought so. It was straightforward. It lacked pretense. Like the man it belonged to, it was utterly honest.

Right now, he was speaking Greek, and both the pleasant shape of it on Damen’s tongue and the fact that Laurent was not very fluent should have made it easier not to listen.

But he heard every word.

His brain, as usual, would not go quiet. It translated what it could, analyzed the translation, put information onto shelves and sorted them by importance.

At the same time, Laurent wondered what to do about the data inadvertently acquired.

The more time he spent with Damen after deciding to trust him, the less sure he was in how to conduct himself. Before, it had been simple. Painful and lonely and simple. Now, he was growing increasingly aware that trust went both ways. Affection and the faith that it was reciprocated were not simply Laurent’s problem, they were Damen’s as well.

Laurent had put himself not only into a position where he could easily get hurt, he had also become someone with the power to easily hurt another person.

And it was a constant conundrum.

This phone call did not contain truly sensitive information. Damen did not need to know Laurent could understand him; there was no need for Laurent to inform him. If he had cared overly much about Laurent overhearing some things, he would have rescheduled the call until Laurent had left again. Or in case that did not happen – and it might not, Laurent thought with a resurgence of heat in his cheeks – Damen could have taken it outside.

Laurent indulged himself in pushing his face into Damen’s pillow. What was meant as a distraction only worked in terms of heating up his blood. He canted up his hips in mimicry of the position he’d taken earlier.

“This is how you have always wanted me to take you,” Damen had said afterwards, lying next to him and smoothing his hands down Laurent’s back. They had spent enough time in intimate contact for both of them to have noticed Laurent responded most to slow, tender touch. At Laurent’s request, the sex had not been like that this time. Damen seemed determined to make up for it afterwards. It soothed the tremor out of Laurent’s muscles, the defiant triumph in his mind into the present, where he was with Damen.

“I wanted it to be mine,” Laurent had said, and felt only Damen’s large, warm hands on his back, the not unwelcome ache he had left behind, and both their spent on his body.

When Damen finally hung up the phone, Laurent took the explicit sexuality out of his current pose and lay down flat. He kept hugging the pillow. It was large and fluffy. Luxurious. Made to feel as good on the skin as the sheets. Damen probably wouldn’t feel the difference between it and flannel, but Laurent, who never slept naked on his own sheets, appreciated it.  

“That was Nik,” Damen said as he came into the room.

Laurent turned a lazy gaze on him and said, “I know. My spoken Greek may not be as good as your French, but I do understand it quite well.”

It was the right decision. Damen did not look put out. His eyes grew mirthful.

“We can work on your pronunciation together, if you’d like.”

Laurent, who did not like looking like an idiot in front of anyone, said, “My vocabulary and grammar could use some advancement as well.”

“My family will appreciate it,” Damen smiled. Laurent’s heart stuttered.

“Thinking about introducing me to your family already?” he teased, and found his teasing voice might need some help as well, since he mostly just sounded fond.

“Of course I am,” said Damianos, without any self-consciousness, and plopped down on the bed next to Laurent. The impact of his bulky frame bounced Laurent’s body in a most undignified manner. “I mean, if you’d like to. That wedding Nik and I were talking about,” he said, and Laurent interrupted, “Nikandros’ wedding, where you will be the best man,” and Damen continued, “Most of my family will be there.”

Not a single secret. Damen had not been hiding the phone call at all.

“You’ve known me for less than a month and you’re taking me to a wedding to meet your family?” he said, over the odd breathlessness that was as much owed to the subject matter of his own sentence as it was to the absolutely spectacular way Damen’s naked upper body looked next to Laurent’s on the sheets.

Laurent turned to his side as well, and laid his hand over Damen’s pectoral. As ever, the contrast between their complexions was particularly aesthetic. He could feel the slightly faster beat of Damen’s heart against the heel of his palm.

“Who said I was inviting you?” said Damen with a smile, and it took Laurent a shameful moment to pull his hand back.

“Oh,” he said, cursing the way Damen quieted his thoughts sometimes. It took him too long to find words that would negate his previous helpless happiness.

Damen caught his hand before he could retreat completely.  

“Laurent,” he said, and shook his head just the tiniest bit against the sheets. It jostled his curls, still a little damp from the sweat of their previous relation. Laurent let himself remain helpless in the face of the dimple in full effect. “I was inviting you. I am inviting you. Would you like to go with me?”

Their hands intertwined beautifully between their bodies.

“When is it?” asked Laurent, and Damen answered, “In five weeks.” And Laurent pointed out, “And you spend every minute you’re not at work in bed with me?” and Damen laughed, “Are you complaining?”

And Laurent was so happy it must have shown, because Damen leaned in to kiss him. Laurent stopped him with nothing but the raise of an eyebrow and then he said, “No.” And had to stop himself from kissing Damianos. Instead, he said, “But Nikandros was. It was why he called.”

Damen’s smile turned sheepish.

“I will concede I might have been shirking my best man duties a little bit.”

He squeezed Laurent’s hand a little bit, and Laurent catalogued the exact way their hands fit together at the same time as he commended, “You know, this will not endear me to him.”

Damen smiled even brighter, even as his brow rose quizzically. Laurent wanted to kiss it. There were several parts of Damen he had not kissed yet. Some, he did not want to think about for the moment, but Damen’s brow, he may be able to put his lips on before the night was through.

“Do you care?”

Laurent pondered his question. It was clear Damen was not only asking in jest, and he would do him the courtesy of answering with all the honesty he possessed.  

Truthfully, he could not picture it. Out of Damen’s family – and the extended circle he considered part of it as well – he had only met Nikandros, whom he had not taken great pains to impress. What would they be like? Happy people, probably, with warm smiles and kind eyes, and a healthy suspicion of prickly strangers who showed up on their beloved son’s arm with no warning. Laurent could not imagine belonging in such a crowd.

“Considering my personality and the likelihood of boisterous drinking and bad table manners on their side, getting your family to like me might be a thing of impossibility.”

And because Damen was not like Laurent, not even a little bit, he dismissed the obvious self-deprication thinly veiled behind an insult to his family, and instead asked,

“So you’ll come?”

And Laurent could not help his own, slower, answering smile.

“Yes. I will not be doing any of the boisterous drinking.”

Damen could not be dissuaded from kissing him now, and Laurent all too happily melted into it, as he was melting into the soft sheets and the security of Damen’s bedroom and the knowledge that he had done the right thing when he hadn’t pretended not to have understood Damen’s phone call.

As he was melting into the feeling of their bodies against each other, side by side, barely rousing so shortly after their last encounter. Just close, for now, without expectation.

Laurent liked these light touches as much as he had found he liked the weight of Damen on top of him. The longer they did this, the more Laurent was coming to know himself in ways he would not have thought to even explore.

Before he had met Damen, sex had been unwanted memories and the abstract attempt to get past them. Had he asked himself if he’d like being held in place in bed, he would not have been able to answer ‘yes’ without shame. So he had not asked. Had simply decided to not do anything he was not fully in control of.

In a way, it was funny that it was sweet, vanilla Damen who had brought up the concept, probably because he thought of it as a normal part of sex, or simply because he had understood some things were triggers for Laurent without even comprehending what a trigger was.

He had not suggested it again after Laurent had told him ‘not today’.

But Laurent had been thinking about it.

Had been thinking about it almost every time large hands almost instinctively molded him to both their pleasure. Had been thinking about it in the aftermath, when Damen had half collapsed on top of him, only to roll off too soon to let Laurent have the control he needed over how they proceeded afterwards. Had been thinking about it hard when Damen had fucked him against the wall while holding Laurent up, in slow, indulgent rolls of his hips that betrayed no hurry or fatigue on his part.

Laurent was coming to know his body, and he was coming to know his pleasure, and he was coming to know that he could still be completely in control even when he was physically restrained by what they were doing.

Because Damen’s was a body made for worship, and yet his primary concern was worshiping Laurent’s.  

Damen had not even asked him to suck his cock. No matter how many times he performed the act on Laurent. No matter how slack-jawed he went whenever Laurent did as much as lick a spoon clean.

The closest he came to the question was when he traced Laurent’s lips with his fingers and Laurent let them in willingly. And Damen would not do anything except breathe harder and look at Laurent like this small thing was a miracle, and Laurent would use his tongue to trace Damen’s fingerprints and bite down a little near the knuckle.

And when Laurent pulled back and parted with a kiss to Damen’s palm, his eyes would shine and Laurent would be so hard he could barely wait to guide these fingers to where he wanted them.

Laurent had promised himself to never apologize for not wanting to be on his knees in front of anyone ever again, but those kisses were becoming more and more like promises.

He did not know yet if he would keep them.

But he was coming to know himself.  

Damen broke the kiss to brush Laurent’s hair from his face.

The warmth of their kiss was still between them even as Damen whispered,

“I would like to meet your family as well. At some point. If you’d like.”

And Laurent stayed here, in this moment, with this man, because this was where he wanted to be.

“You’ve met everyone I care for,” he said quietly, and Damen understood.  

“Then I look forward to getting stabbed in the leg by Nicaise many more times.”

Laurent had seen the puncture wounds. Had traced them with his fingers until his fingers had become occupied with something else. Damen healed fast. They were scarring already.

“I wish you could have met Auguste,” said Laurent, and Damen’s eyes softened even more.

Laurent kissed his brow.

* * *

In a very superficial manner, Damen had been aware of how lucky he was. Being born into a wealthy family, looking the way he did, and doing well at a prestigious job he actually enjoyed, it was a sentiment that had been brought to his attention many times.

But he had not felt lucky, not truly understood what it meant, until he had met Laurent.

He had not told this to Laurent, as he felt it might offend his formerly shut-off neighbor, but he was very aware of it whenever Laurent was near.

It was the contrast of things.

The ease with which Damen had fallen into his comfortable life, and how hard Laurent was fighting just to achieve any sort of comfort at all. That he had chosen a future profession that would not let him dwell in the fictional worlds he loved so much, but instead would constantly confront him with the worst of humanity.

“It’s not much longer now,” he’d told Damen earlier, when he had collapsed into Damen’s awaiting arms. “My internship with Vannes is ending with the week.”

“Hmm,” Damen had said and kissed his forehead. “You’ll be able to rest for a bit.”

“What are you talking about, Damianos,” Laurent had said, flustered (presumably from the forehead kiss). “I will need to start studying for my bar exam.”

“And celebrate your birthday.”

Laurent had tensed and pulled away.

“Yes,” he’d repeated. “My birthday.”

He’d seemed troubled enough that even kissing had not distracted him, and when Damen had gone to his knees for him, he’d only told him, “Not tonight.”

And then been even more on edge afterwards. As if he were expecting Damen to leave without the promise of sex.

“Okay,” Damen had said, still on his knees, and pressed a chaste kiss to the sliver of skin exposed over Laurent’s waistline, before leading Laurent to the kitchen to try his latest pie creation.

Damen had watched him, as subtly as he could, as he had forced his ever-working brain to quieten into whatever small peace Damen’s mindless chatter could provide.

There was more than just this, of course, that made Damen acutely aware of his privilege. It was the rare story about the brother he must have loved more fiercely than anything, always in the past tense. The utter lack of anything resembling a social net to see him through his current struggles. The extent of any surviving family appeared to be the uncle he never wanted to speak about and a rude, traumatized pre-teen he wanted to adopt.

It made Damen work harder at repairing his relationship with his brother. It made Damen call his parents more than once a week.

And it made Damen want to be all the things for Laurent he so clearly didn’t know how to have.    

For practical reasons (“You will break even more of my furniture, you giant brute”) they spent more time in Damen’s apartment than Laurent’s. At the moment, this meant sitting side by side on Damen’s couch. Laurent had his head on Damen’s shoulder, and one of his arms wrapped around his own bent knees.

He was reading, and Damen read along with him, a fact that had not been discussed and was acknowledged only by the slower pace with which Laurent turned the pages. It always took a few minutes until a position that included casual touching felt natural, but Laurent was beginning to adjust to such things with more ease the more often they attempted it.    

“I didn’t actually like reading as a child, you know,” Damen said, and felt more than saw Laurent stop reading his book. “There were so many other things to do.”

Laurent’s head was not so much a weight on his shoulder as it was a reminder he was there, as if he believed Damen would forget about him. He did this a lot, Damen had noticed.

“You hardly have any books in your apartment now,” said Laurent, without judgement. “It would have surprised me to picture you hunched into a corner, caught up in pages rather than action.”

It was clear Laurent was painting a picture of his own childhood, and Damen smiled against the top of Laurent’s head.  

“I had no interest in reading,” he continued, after a bit, in which Laurent had not resumed turning the pages. “I was actually far slower in learning than my brother. But I felt I needed to best him in sports before I would focus on besting him at these kinds of endeavors.”

Laurent only hummed. Damen chanced a quick look down at him and found he had his eyes closed. His eyelids were so sheer they are almost transparent, wrought through with purple capillaries. Damen wondered, sometimes, if closing his eyes even provided Laurent any rest from experiencing the world around him at all. At the moment, he appeared to try.

Something had changed inside Laurent, at a point Damen could not entirely determine. Laurent was never constant. He was never simple. And yet, he spent so much time only focusing on Damen.

“Kastor was the one who thought to open up a publishing firm,” Damen continued, and felt so incredibly blessed to be sitting here like this, fully clothed, with his arm loosely around this beautiful man, who was carefully closing his book to listen to Damen.

“He asked our father for a loan, but father wouldn’t hear of it. I never understood why. He had a good concept, and my family is certainly wealthy enough.”

Laurent handed Damen the book.

“How did he get you on his side?” he asked quietly. Damen could see him trying not to think too hard. He placed the book on the side table, just as careful with it as Laurent had been.

“Like I said, it was a good concept. I was about to finish business school anyway, added a couple of years studying literature, and meanwhile, Kastor assembled a talented team.”

He thought on it for a few moments, then added,

“I don’t know where most of them went.”

He had regretted the slow loss of one after the other of the old team. A few remained, of course, but the turnover of steadily employed people had perhaps been greater than with other publishing firms. Not in the last years, of course. Everything had been just fine in the last years.

“Who asked your father this time?”

Laurent’s eyelids fluttered for a moment, but his voice was even.

“I did, of course. I made sure to point out Kastor’s contribution to the concept, of course.”

Laurent’s slow, deep breaths transferred from the side of his torso to Damen’s hand which was comfortably wrapped around it.

“Jokaste said she founded your firm with you.”

Surprised, Damen looked back at Laurent’s face, and found he still had his eyes closed.

“When did she tell you this?”

“We meet twice a week at the reptile house and scheme together while cooing at snakes.”

Damen, who despite what most people thought of him did actually have a sense of humor, was almost ninety percent sure this was a joke.

“Of course you do,” he nodded, and pressed a kiss onto the top of Laurent’s head. Laurent, as he sometimes did, shivered almost unnoticeably.

“Yes, she was there from the beginning,” Damen went on and began to gently massage along Laurent’s side, careful to keep the touch from becoming sexual. “We met when we were partnered up for an exercise in a creative writing class. I was not very good at it, of course. She took my story apart completely. Utterly ruthless, you would have been proud. And yet all it did was make me want to be better.”

She had challenged him, not as easily impressed as most people he interacted with. Looking back at it now, he nonetheless also remembered honey, strewn between an honest assessment of his meager skills.

“By the third revision, it was a halfway decent effort. Obviously, I’m not a writer, but I learned a lot. She’s still one of the best editors on our staff, though she’s doing less of it since taking over the hiring and firing of personnel.”

Laurent shifted, and eventually settled into a new position, with his head on Damen’s lap. He looked straight up at Damen, his eyes particularly beautiful in the dim light of the lampshade and the dramatic shadows of his eyelashes cast by its angle.

“You don’t oversee this personally?” he asked, and took Damen’s hand to hold it over his heart. Damen was relieved to find the beat even, and most of the tension gone from him.

“Of course I do. But as Jokaste has pointed out on more than one occasion, I’m too gullible to be trusted to see what is bad for the company.”

Laurent was still looking at him. He had begun running the tip of a finger around one of Damen’s knuckles.

“So you agree with her assessment.”

Damen had no particular wish to keep talking about Jokaste at the moment, not when Laurent was being so utterly tender.

“I know she’s right about me,” he said, almost without thinking about it at all. “That I’m naïve, when it comes to some things. I don’t really observe things correctly unless I am pointed in the right direction.”

Laurent closed his eyes.

“Sometimes not even then,” he said, and it was neither an insult nor was it teasing.

“So you agree with her assessment as well?” Damen asked, and began stroking his free hand through Laurent’s head. Underneath his palm, Laurent’s heart stuttered for a moment, then returned to its even beats. He turned his head ever so slightly into Damen’s hand.

“You are naïve,” he said, with his eyes still closed. “You don’t see ill will or deception, and the dark side of humanity is entirely inaccessible to you. Of course she is right.” Laurent breathed out quietly. “My brother was like you. He was the best man I knew. It is not a fault you should endeavor to correct.”

Damen did not know what to say to that, other than the expression of a sentiment Laurent might not be entirely ready for, so he merely kept petting Laurent’s soft hair.

Eventually, he said, “I have not been on the best of terms with my brother until recently. A rift between us felt justified, as we both had a weakness for the same woman, but truthfully, I wish I could have been more forgiving earlier. Kastor may never have apologized with words, but it has never been his way. He has always been a man of action. He took over dealing with our company’s financials soon after we fought. I was always rather bored with that aspect of the job.”

Laurent’s eyes snapped open at the same time as his body froze completely.

“Your brother handles the financials,” he repeated tonelessly.