#yeah im an emotional wreck what abt it
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journal/braindump 26/3/24
i hope life gets better soon. school is so miserable and weird and i just constantly feel like my physical shape is blurred and i'm but a a faceless entity drifting through the crowded and sweaty halls. when i speak to people it feels like i have to physically force myself to and i'm always so conscious of the fact that i would really love it if i were alone and not speaking to anybody at all.
i don't feel confident in myself and i feel like this year has passed by way too fast and i feel like just attempting to live feels like a bunch of cold sand is piled in my hands, and like sand does, it slips easily through my fingers and all i can do is watch. i feel so stupid and so naive all the damn time
for a while i had believed that everything would be okay, and then for a while after that i believed that i should kill myself. i'm okay now, i still feel very unsettled and it's like i'm not really me but i feel fine enough to function and i feel fine enough to live and wish to keep on living
i wish to keep on living
tomorrow i will wake up early and i will make myself coffee and i will sit down and read (i've had reading block for 2 days- which seems short but its annoying for me bc i really really want to read but i feel too restless and distracted to). i'll try to be nice to myself and protect my peace really hard and go on walks or something
i find that watching youtube videos where people just sit and talk, or rearrange their house and books, is really calming to me. i can't wait to just sit in front of the tv with a cup of matcha and a box of chocolates and just watching people talk, or watch all the movies ive been meaning to watch for sooo long
autumn is rolling around, and i'm infinitely greatful that it is because i always feel so inspired during this season. autumn makes me want to read, it makes me want to watch more films and eat more food and drink warm drinks that make me feel okay inside.
i also hope to pick up journalling again, but i'm not sure if i will because i don't have my own printer for images and idk what to journal but i have recently tried to just draw pictures- ive recently written journal pages on what i want to read, and also an "about me" page, and hand drew pictures. it's nice, but it doesn't give the same effect as full out journalling (with stickers, images, tape, etc... sigh.). i hope i journal more this holiday nonetheless.
i also hope to read without feeling so much pressure. i usually have no problem with reading whatever i want to read, as i like to think of myself as somebody who isnt easily influenced by other people's views (eg. if someone told me i have to read a certain book, i will consider it but i wont read it unless i want to) , but lately i've been thinking of all the books i want to read this holiday (for me i have autumn break in one week- and autumn break lasts for 2 weeks) and as u can imagine, it is very stressful bc ive somehow fallen into the mindset that i must read ALL of those books before next term or else.
fyi the books comprise of
- the complete collection of jane austen
- the complete collection of sherlock holmes
- the poppy war
- the iliad
- hamlet
- the metamorphosis
soo yeah... especially the first two points are stressing me out haha... im starting the poppy war now but im a little nervous bc ppl keep saying that its VERY gory??? and i usually dont care abt such things but lately my nerves and emotions have been such a wreck that i dont trust myself to read it in a calm manner
i'll try to break free of this toxic reader mindset tho! it would be nice if i could talk to people abt books, so it feels like im engaging with my hobby while not actually having to do the hobby, but nobody ik irl will want to talk abt books as i do
MAN i so badly want to rant abt booktok (ok actually i wont expand on this bc its a very sore point for me in the sense that i might get worked up over it and then feel shit afterwards for displaying sm emotion)
anywaysss next topic
ummm i get my maths result back on thursday and im so fucking scared bc i know i messed up bad for a few questions but im not sure if it was enough to drop me down to a b... idk i REALLY REALLY WANT AN A. like istg my whole self esteem for until the next exams roll around is goijg to be based off my maths result.. fuck im so emotionally immature its laughable
ummm also i have literature class tmr and i love lit class but we have to watch fucking "shes the man" and im sorry but i hate that movie so so much (ive never watched it before but we watched half of it last lesson and it was soo annoying). ughh why is my eng teacher making us watch this 😭😭
also my eng teacher is very blunt and therefore very interesting to talk to so ive been wanting to ask him abt books hes read lately but i CANT bc we have to watch thats tupid fucking movie and also he has to mark papers :( but also like hes the only intellectually stimulating person ik irl so what am i meant to do with all of my buzzing book thoughts ughh (rhetorical question. pls dont answer) :(
hmm what else is there to say
oh yeah last night i had a dream tjat i got a B+ for english and that was... it was like a nightmare im not even kidding. it was such a vivid dream too- everybody else got an A meanwhile i got a B+ (very close to an A) and i was just absolutely shocked and i desperately begged my teacher to give me some extra credit work so i can bump it up to an A-... yeah...
oh but also back to me wanting to have a better life- i think i'll take myself to the thrift more and go out with my friend (yes, singular. theres only one friend that i like hanging out with outside of school 💀) atleast once this holiday... thats what teen girls my age do, right??? haha...
also i want to watch ladybird and the perks of being a wallflower and rewatch little women and dead poets society !
i also might reread solitaire but aghh that makes me stressed out abt reading again... fuck. maybe i should just take a break from reading omfg
i cant wait to wake up early tomorrow and drink coffee though! :)
also i will make more spotify playlists (it makes me rlly happy to) and MAYBE even try cooking????????????? man idfk im desperate okay? feeling suicidal is not fun and i dont want to feel like that again this year. i cant afford thay bc im meant to be an academic weapon :( (lol who am i kidding? im more like an academic victim)
also maybe i will just text my friends more in general. it stresses me out and makes me feel icky but the other day, i had a nice and fun and lighthearted texting convo with one of my class friends and it made me realise that i should probably text people more ...
lol
anyways i think thats all? i think ive gotten everything off my chest for now. i liked doing this actually. maybe i'll do it more often idk 💀💀
hope u guys have a good day 🙏 i dont actually expect anyone to read this but if you did, i hope you have a good day TIMES TWO!
no refunds :}
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MEAN GIRLS FORTNITE HEADCANONS
to preface this… realistically do i see any of the plastics playing fortnite? no. do i think it’s funny as hell though? yes. so i’m just going to pretend here, bear with me
in regards to any of the 2004 mean girls characters, i say they wouldn't play. since obv fortnite wasn’t out yet, but i also think that they, esp the plastics, would think they’re too cool for it
2018 / broadway versions though…
made this all the way back in 2019. don’t remember the context at all. but yeah. it fits. broadway janis would play fortnite, sure
broadway plastics MIGHT play it too. since if regina plays the sims just to create people and kill them? sure, she can play fortnite too, why not. and ofc gretchen and karen would play along w/ her. and like.. pretty sure fortnite was still pretty hot in 2018 so. yeah! hell yeah!
the 2024 versions… began to think abt these headcanons BC of the 2024 versions. they originated the idea i guess. even if i more realistically see the broadway versions playing it? well. no. bc the bway plastics r still the popular mean girls. the 2024 guys felt like.. a different breed of popular mean girl. hence why i see them playing fortnite. i suppose? man i don’t know don’t look at me
WHATEVER . just pretend they’d play the game ok. with that out of the way:
regina
such an asshole
def loves snipers and shotguns.. probably the heftier guns
even though she’s rly good at using them all / typically has no preference
but if there’s a sniper or shotgun… she WILL be taking it
i know the current season doesn’t have snipers, i’ll just talk abt the guns in a broad sense i suppose
i could go more in depth as to which guns of each category they’d like but. i’ll only do so if asked i guess (i only started playing in august of 2023. so chapter 4 season 4. meaning i have very limited knowledge on different guns and such)
ANYWHO. she’s such an asshole in this game
will absolutely chase you down if you choose to run
(you wont get far)
and she’s like… such a dick w/ the sniper as well
a pretty decent player. is not humble whatsoever
def buys shit. mainly skins and such
she likes some of the icon emotes, but isn’t absolutely crazy abt them
doesn’t get to level 200 just to get everything in the battlepass. she does it to show off and brag
despite that, she probably still buys the battlepass. bc she can
very good aim!
def a toxic gamer. she gets mad a lot
gretchen
trying her best
mainly there bc regina is playing it and wants the plastics all to play w/ her
is a normal person and likes like. assault rifles and such
def the guns w/ the medium bullets
maybe a tactical assault rifle if she feels like it
isn’t insanely picky though
right in the middle.. not too heavy not too light
not the greatest player
once again, she’s trying her best
regina often berates her over the stuff she should’ve done differently
HATES being the last one alive on her team
if regina and karen (and sometimes cady) are down, she FREAKS out
(doesn’t happen much, but it happens)
she haaaates the pressure of it
esp when regina is just gonna get mad at her when she fails
HOWEVER she does get good kills every once in a while
regina compliments her on it, and gretchen feels like all the times she’s fucked up was worth it
(it’s not)
but regardless, it puts her in a good mood
absolutely LOVES the emotes i think
especially the icon emotes
def does the synced emotes w/ karen a ton
(to regina’s annoyance) (she’s just trying to play the game)
gets the battlepass bc everyone else is doing it
tries to get everything she can
mediocre aim, once again, she is trying
karen
carries
im dead serious
saw someone recently say that she’d be surprisingly GOOD at the game and like… you know what? you’re right
but unlike regina, she is very humble abt it
it fits her character i think. plus the thought of the “dumb” character actually WRECKING others in an online shooter video game is soooo funny to me
so yes, she carries
LOOOOVES THE EMOTES
absolutely one of her favorite things about the game
she WILL emote any chance she gets
she’s not trying to be rude, she just loves making her character do silly dances
karen: [emotes after killing a whole team]
gretchen: karen… that’s not—
karen: what?
gretchen: that’s not nice
karen: but i’m happy :)
gretchen: i know… that’s just— no…
on the other hand, regina emotes (IF she even emotes) to be malicious 100%
anyway. likes the lighter weapons. w/ the light bullets and such
like pistols and smgs
thinks the characters are cute and fun
enjoys leveling up the battlepass and getting everything
shockingly good aim
cady
debated on whether she’d be rly good or rly bad
and i think she’d be rly bad😭
but like… endearingly bad
maybe after a while of adapting and playing and shit she gets better
but at the beginning… she sucks so bad
and yet regina INSISTS on letting her play w/ them
makes gretchen a bit… sad
since gretchen is constantly being called out by regina whenever she messes up, but when CADY does something bad, regina is usually silent. or says something mildly encouraging
has absolutely no idea what’s going on
like. regina gretchen and karen could be engaging w/ a team and cady will just be like :)? what? where are they?
they are right in front of you
her aim is pretty much nonexistent
at the beginning at least
after a bit, i DO see her getting a lot better
but at the beginning? she is ASS
maybe janis and damian help her out a bit
doesn’t rly? care about the skins or emotes much
think the animal skins are cute though
however. she still has a bunch of shit bc regina buys stuff for her
cady: oh.. that skin / emote looks cute—
regina, already getting out her wallet: done
cady: what? oh, i didn’t mean—
regina: done
and she gifts it to cady
also gifts her the battlepass probably
even if cady does jack shit with it
she’s just there to have fun, so the leveling up and getting the stuff doesn’t rly mean much to her
and then she’s like… conditioned to do this shit. probably by janis
she plays w/ the plastics one day and suddenly she’s like… good
and has a bunch of new shit and like 😭😭😭😭 HUH
not as great as, say, regina or karen, but. she’s still pretty decent
unsure what guns she’d like, probably no preference
probably goes w/ a certain gun depending on who she’s playing with LMAO
janis
likes to say she’s REALLY good but really she’s just.. good. you know
she plays a lot though
likes getting the cool looking skins and such
def gets the battlepass i feel
also gets to level 200. also to show off. but to get everything too (even if she doesn’t admit it)
ALSO likes snipers and shotguns.. bc she’s an asshole
and she’s also pretty decent w/ them
her aim is okay, not the best, but its playable
doesn’t rly care abt the emotes. ESP not the icon emotes
thinks they’re cheesy or whatever
def gets the dumb, goofy ones though
like. the ones that arent dances probably
plays with cady and damian
likes to try and teach cady her ways (she is a toxic gamer)
gets angry real easily. esp when players use the seasons obligatory unfair item for like 10th time
MAYBE emotes after she gets a good play
and it’d be one of those emotes that REALLY piss you off if someone were to use it against you
damian
LOOOOOVES the emotes. like so much
ESP the icon ones
probably better than janis. and janis knows this. but neither of them say anything
(he is a good friend)
unsure what guns hed prefer tbh…
i think he’d like shotguns. and maybe like ? pistols and smgs and such
is def more help to cady than janis
he translates janis’ toxicity into like.. actual terms for cady
and cady just goes like. ohhhhhh
every single time it happens
don’t have much to say abt aaron and kevin sorry aaron and kevin. however. kevin has def played fortnite since it came out in 2017 for sure. its basically canon. aaron probably wouldn’t gaf much but for cady and regina… maybe he’ll play a bit. he IS a teenage boy so ,.. maybe he plays it? but i think he doesn't rly care for video games that much
may add more onto this... since i only wrote these out like 2 days ago. we shall see
#mean girls#mean girls musical#mean girls broadway#mean girls 2024#regina george#gretchen wieners#karen smith#karen shetty#cady heron#janis sarkisian#janis ‘imi’ike#janis ‘imi‘ike#damian hubbard#fortnite#mine#my talking tag#my headcanons tag#MGTM posting#regina posting#gretchen posting#karen posting#cady posting#janis posting#SO MANY TAGS AUGH#thw downfall of wanting ot be organized
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yello !11!
goshdjdjsjd i heard from somewhere its like REALLY sad and like emotional and now im scare please tell me if its true
YES THE WEIRD ANIME ONE 😭😭 some of my friends are into anime but mainly it’s just me nerding over video games and shows
SPOTIFY WRAPPED IS LIKE SUCH A REALITY CHECK and everytime i think about deleting spotify when i see it 😭 AHCHSNX tollywood and bollywood are so good but you have to make sure that your parent approve otherwise 😀😅
dream smp is unfortunatly a music genre on spotify,,, i think i might have the screenshots if i find it i’ll def show you
it’s SUCH a good anime (youre right on the 2nd-hand embarrassment) and it’s such a comfort show i hope you enjoy it as much <3
omg i think my hero acadamia was my FIRST anime but i think i watched like 3 episodes before i dropped it 😭😭 my first anime i finished was violet evergarden
you cannot leave me in such suspense the world needs to know your first anime 😪😪😪😨😨
yo !<333
dude no yeah it’s an emotionally wrecking piece <333 have fun drowning in your tears!! /j but like no yeah i definitely cried during this one LOLOL like genuine tears, but i think its worth watching it !!
LMFAO most my friends are more into it than me :ppp so its nice to ramble on abt it to them. NOW MBTI THEY ARENT LMFAO
LMFAOOO the wrapped is coming out soon!! almost, its around like what dec 3?? so lets see how it is this time!! omg wait whats your zodiac (ill tell you why next ask ;P)
OMG MHA DJSAHSJHD that one was one of my first animes that I KNEW was an anime, my vv first official anime was spirited away but i didnt know it was anime, mha would be the first anime i watched while knowing it was (that or cells at work my dearest) dskjdajs OMG YOU STARTED OFF STRONG W VIOLET EVERGARDEN,,, are you okay-
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the way ive been trying to get to this All Day but i had errands and stuff to run. evil i think
truly jake's voice is so so pretty i could listen to him sing/talk for hours with no complaint
I HAVE MORE FEELINGS ABT BABY WEREWOLF SOLON. BABY HEESUNG ASKING HIS MOM WHEN HIS WOLD EARS ARE GONNA GROW IN BC SOLON HAS THEM. THE KIDS COLLECTIVELY TRYING TO TURN INTO WOLVES TO PLAY WITH SOLON ON THE FULL MOON AND THEIR MOTHERS HAVING TO GENTLY BREAK IT TO THEM THAT THEY CANNOT IN FACT DO THAT. FAST FORWARD TO DECELIS AND NOA'S HAVING A PARTICULARLY ROUGH DAY SO HE ASKS SOLON FOR "just one ride? like old times?" AND SOLON SIGHS AND SHIFTS AND LETS NOA CLAMBER ONTO HIS BACK AND TAKES OFF RUNNING WITH HIS LITTLE BROTHER'S FACE PRESSED INTO HIS FUR. YEAH. SOLON FINALLY OPENING UP TO SOOHA AND LETTING HER IN BC "you were always meant to be part of my pack, whether i like it or not, so we might as well be friends" (he's trying his best to express things) AND LETTING HER STROKE HIS FUR AS THE ULTIMATE SHOW OF TRUST. IM SO FEELINGS.
help imagine the sunshine city werewolves malfunctioning as they try to process the cuddle pile and when the decelis group asks what their gawking at they explain "well… we've never seen anyone but wolf packs pile like that" and jino chiming in like "okay…? so get in???" and the most awkward cuddle pile ever ensues after
NO YEAH HDFKSJDFHB THEYD BE LIKE "dont you want to join a real pack?" AND SOLON LIKE "… i have one??" AND THEM LIKE "no, a proper pack. whatever you've got now with those vampires doesn't compare" AND SOLON LIKE "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY BROTHERS??? SQUARE THE FUCK UP KHAN." and safe to say heli and enzy have to hold their respective brothers back
-vrvr anon
ahh the dreaded errands <//3 well in any case you're here now! and god yea i totally agree on jake's voice. its probably half the accent but SHHH
NO OMG BABY. BABY THOUGHTS. BABY HELI ASKING HIS MOM WHEN HIS WOLF EARS WILL COME IN/WHEN HE'LL BE ABLE TO TURN LIKE SOLON OMG IM CRYING. and all the boys just running around roughhousing like wolf cubs in a pack... they dont even give half a shit that theyre not PHYSICALLY able to turn into wolves, thats only a minor discrepancy—love for their brother transcends all physical barriers. NOA ASKING SOLON FOR A RIDE "LIKE OLD TIMES" BC HES FEELING DOWN AND SOLON PRETENDING TO BE GRUMPY ABOUT GIVING IN EVEN THOUGH HE WAS GONNA DO IT ANYWAY BC THATS HIS BABY BROTHER RIGHT THERE. AND THEN SOLON FINALLY OPENING UP TO SOOHA AND ACCEPTING HER AS PART OF THE PACK (WHILE ACTING CONSTIPATED ABOUT IT BECAUSE EMOTIONS ARE HARD)... LETTING PEOPLE TOUCH HIM IN HIS WOLF FORM BEING THE ULTIMATE SHOW OF TRUST FOR HIM... ACTUALLY IN TEARS. god now that ive been introduced to the concept i could talk about baby!/pre-orphanage!decelis boys forever probably
LMFAO AWKWARD DOUBLE-PACK CUDDLE PILE YES IM LIVING FOR IT. love the idea of the sunshine city wolves being like "huddles like that are usually a werewolf-only thing tho???" and the decelis squad just NOT getting the point theyre trying to make At All. like yeah??? and??? idk what youre trying to say buddy but its not clicking, either get in the mega cuddle pile or don't but don't just stand there staring at us. thats weird. and impolite
i feel like the whole "dont you wanna join a PROPER pack? get away from all those BLOOD-SUCKING HEATHENS?" talk happens BEFORE all the previous revelations so after the sunshine city vamps witness just how pack-like the vamps ARE khan is just like "...i confusedly retract my statement." HSJDBFJBF. but yeah no solon would TOTALLY try to wreck khan's shit for insinuating that his brothers arent a "worthy" pack for him, thats his FAMILY goddamnit, you insult the pack you get the smack. its like that one dark moon webcomic panel with heli and khan dragging away their respective younger brothers, shion and tahel, by the scruffs of their necks like squabbling cats, except reversed LMFAO.
(a semi-cursed, potentially sweet scenario i just thought up: maybe when solon's having a bad day or something his brothers cheer him up by discussing what they think they'd be like/look like if they COULD turn into wolves, and its all very sweet and wholesome, until some student walks by and hears the conversation out of context and just goes "...are yall furries?")
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Eyo its glass au guy, the au where glass physics just doesnt apply to our birdbois, here to add to this literal fucking crack au because dear fuck i might run on angst alone but mAN WE ALL NEED A BREAK SOMETIMES
Anyways, have you ever noticed that technoblades windows are just trapdoors with holes? wELL--
I like to imagine that literally the only reason Technoblade found out about Philza's... condition, was wAAAAAAAAY back then, back when they were just two dudes that dont die and were just chillin. Techno was just probably out and about, hunting deer, drinking blood, staying at villages and deciding whether or not to slaughter everyone when he leaves, you know regular Technoblade stuff.
When he discovers the invention of glass. (Yes im making both of them that old and no you cannot stop me)
Techno's pretty fascinated by the art of glass making and ends up staying at the village a little longer than Philza and him expected and even ended up not slaughtering them.
He actually stayed so long in the village in fact, that Philza's wanderlust got the better of him and he kinda just-- left techno. Not without saying goodbye tho.
So now, philza's exploring the world while techno is mastering the art of glass making. The reason techno was so interested in the first place was because he saw the combat potential and the living improvement it could bring. And if the history books say something abt a pink haired pig hybrid helping a potion maker invent the splash potion well, technos not gonna say anything.
And as the years went by, techno proceeded to make hundreds, if not, thousands of glass creations from sculptures to weapons to containers and anything he could think of really. But those years of glass blowing and fire fanning really did a number on him. So much so that while taking a break in the middle of his creations, he drank a health pot to fix the itch in his lungs.
He coughs a little, waving away the smoke of the fire. Man, the wood he got today was smokier than usual huh? It never got so thick he couldn't see across the room but itll be fine, he knows where everything is anyways.
He finishes his latest project and airs out the room, to try and get rid of the smoke blocking his vision. But why is everything still so blurry? So he goes outside to get some fresh air.
And now he's fuckin worried because he pretty fuckin sure he didnt set the village on fire enough to cause such a crazy amount of smoke to block his vision. Because oh god, he cant see shit anymore.
So he panics. He pours a pot each to both his eyes and it got a little better because now he can see things a few meters away from him kind of okay but his eyes are still fucked up. Chat is still screaming and Techno, caught up in the panic and emotions of trying to deal with all this bullshit, tries to calm himself down by breaking his defective products. Now at least chat is a little satiated.
Philza, having visited his longtime and only friend, hears the sound of something shattering. It sounded like a clay pot but higher pitched for some reason. So he rushes to Techno, holding seemingly nothing but his hands covered in deep cuts.
Techno meanwhile, has finally calmed down and started to clean up and pick up all the shattered remains of his glass objects. And as he picks them up, he squints at them a little, trying in vain to see if his eyes are salvageable. But with each shard, that hope slowly dims and finally he accepts his handicap. Until the last few shards. Because one of them broke into a really large piece and for some reason, he... can kind of see through it??? Huh, maybe his defect pile wasnt as defective as he thought.
Philza comes back to him with a towel and a health pot (he puts them in clay containers shoosh he dont know glass exists okay) and asks whats wrong. Techno raises his head to reply when he realizes "oh sHIT PHILZA YOURE SITTING ON GLASS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU OKAY"
And philza, the old bird man he is just kinda goes "huh??? Wat???? Glass???????" And Techno just kinda blindly pockets the glass he was looking at and pulls out a glass health pot of his own to tend to Philza's "wounds".
Philza kinda just stares because holy SHIT IS TECHNO A FUCKING POTION BENDER WHAT THE FUCK. Philza kinda just dazedly grabs the floating health mixture and his hands just pass through the liquid and his fingers are coated in potion.
And techno also staring because holy SHIT IS PHILZA A FUCKING GLASS BENDER CMON I SPENT LIKE-- 2 CENTURIES MASTERING THIS STUPID THING AND APPARENTLY PHILZA CAN JUST DO WHATEVER WITH IT WHAT THE FUCK.
And now they're just vibin on the floor with their heads blown. Oh yeah, techno invents eye glasses. The first two he makes are for himself and phil because "phil, do you not see the glass? You are literally just sitting on a pile of shards."
The glasses fitting was also kind of a train wreck since techno made rimless glasses and the glass just-- went straight through philzas eyes and shattered on the floor. When philza brings it up, techno vehemently denies screaming like an 8 year old and being torn in two because he didnt know whether or not he should worry over phil first or the thing he made for him.
Damn dis long. Lol oops
Pfft. Oh my god. This is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. Just the both of them being confused with each other and oh my god.
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I am not over it. I am SO not over IT. I read the SNK manga YEARS ago when it was only chapter 100 and one day I had the dumb idea to continue that shit. I am not PLEASED and Hanji's death UTTERLY WRECKED ME, someone who wasn't even a Hanji Stan!! reading the manga made me fall in love with her quiet determination, leadership skills, and sense of duty when before I was more of an Armin type of girl? She just. won me over. and her death was NOT OKAY. I CRIED while saying no no nO NOOO OH MY GOD -
and it TORE ME APART and she was the only person in my mind ever since and I couldn't read the manga in the same nonchalant way ever again. i'm sorry i promise im getting somewhere! it legit ruined my moods and made me so sad all the time IT WAS THAT BAD and i started hating eren with absolute passion. Idek where to start? How her death was pointless & nobody gave a fuck?? and Levi thought of FRICKING ERWIN instead of Hans & I wasnt even a Levihan shipper it doesnt make SENSE! He just LOST HANS
-- and all he can think about is FUCKING ERWIN. come on MAN, and she parented the 104th even REINER had more emotions than these mfers. Everyone is alive EXCEPT HER, like onyakapon and even yelena, minor characters, it just feels so UNFAIR, i'm not mad abt death, i breathe angst like it was chocolate it was just so pointless and meaningless and no one even grieves, especially Levi who was closest to her. there was just no room for her in the plot anymore and thats what makes me pissed -
- not bc it was her time, but bc she ran out of uses to the plot and like in GOT where the character is smarter than the author. not only that, she was made so powerless and pathetic and she felt so useless and she died like that. where's the justice? the character arc? right she was there Just to Save Levi :// it's like that quote from gone girl - "the world will know that [man] threw his beloved wife like garbage, and she floated past down all the other abused, unwanted, INCONVENIENT, women"
(sorry for the fem pronouns, i'm all abt anime hange here). and its not like she wasnt a fan favorite, she's top 3 of the last character poll. just bc shes not levi and eren and armin. and cmon. yams had to nerf and minus 100 out of her iq for the INSANE plan of fucking zeke and the yeagerists, can you BELIEVE she trusted and was OUTSMARTED by ZEKE, who legit massacred the survey corps, even though SHE HAD THE SAME LEVEL OF IQ?? but noooo, plot reasons!! shes not eRwIn, what you expect 🙃
im upset, not bc my fav character died but bc it was meaningless (if falco can fly, why tf didnt he do that in the first place) and hollow in logic and in emotion. maybe snk's lesson to us is life is unfair and we should suck it up. it wasn't well earned & yams wrote hanji in a corner, like (again) in GOT where no matter what daenerys chose she was wrong. sorry i dumped all this to you!! if you're still here, thank you for listening to my month long pent up emotions, im still really sad about it
- and idk how to let go? but your writings have definitely made me feel better, it just comforts me like Levi to a bottle of bleach. thank you for still writing!!! about an anime girl in a fictional world and still delivering more emotion than the original author. my heart definitely feels better these days, though it still aches bc she deserves so much better & didnt deserve whatever the fuck she was given, thank you for championing hanji zoe rights! im 99% sure she wont be revived -
but she lives on in your writings and other fanfiction authors and artworks and i'm just so grateful we have a community like this, honestly im just glad you're here :) keep doing what you do and i hope you're safe and warm & healthy!! also to every hanji stans out there one fucking day when we love a character the author wont rip our hearts and throw it to the garbage, im so so sorry for my long long ask but if i could request maybe eren apologizing to hanji inpaths or when she got captured or
or when she died or you choose!! i saw this art by @siroyuki 2015 in twitter where he's hugging her and shit, you should check it out it gave me feels!! i just want her to be loved and appreciated :((( again thank you so much if you made it this far! im sorry if you're annoyed or smthn HHAHAHA i promise this is the last! thank you for your service to humanity we stan 💪😩👌💕💞
ah don’t you let canon frustrate you, it doesn’t matter anyway :D like you saud, we still have fics and fanarts
however, yeah, i do kinda feel you :/ like the way yams keeps glossing over hange's death is actually a bit weird? like i know they're at war and i know that they have no time for grieving etc but the kids were literally bawling their eyes when hange died but no mention of her sacrifice at all after that? like in 136, gabi said that they should stop the rumbling to repay azumabito's kindness and that's ummmmmmm.... a little bit weird. sure, gabi is a little girl with no connection to hange but reiner, jean and connie were there, when gabi said that and they saw hange’s sacrifice, so why not say something like “yeah, we can’t let commander hange’s sacrifice go to waste?” like come on. what did azumabito do? let falco transform on the board of her ship, so now she travels on a boat? i don't think that can compare to hange's acts though. she literally brought these mfs who were ready to jump at each other's throat together and then she sacrificed her own life to give them yet another chance at success. a sacrifice that was proved to be utterly meaningless in the very next chapter? why did falco learn about his ability to fly only after hange died? why didn't he discover it upon first transformation? :/
oh, and speaking of hange's character arc? like i get it, she was depressed, she struggled with her role as a commander (even though she did everything she could and she did a damn good job at it). and i guess that this plotline was kinda resolved when she heard that erwin approved of her actions? and that's cool, if what we've seen was actually an afterlife and not hange's hallucination. because if it was indeed a product of her mind then that's, um, kinda depressing bro. hange was so desperate for someone's approval that she dreamed about it while literally dying. i just don't understand why yams didn't include a scene where kids tell her how much they respect her and what an honor it was to serve under her command or SOMETHING. but as it is, hange died, thinking she was weak and useless and, um, yeah, certainly not the end you want for your favorite character :)
so yeah, hange's death was kinda meaningless and pointless - it didn't serve the plot whatsoever + it could have been very easily avoided
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—ateez college au series [psh]
so seonghwa is a nursing major bc why not and no this isnt bc im also a nursing major or maybe it is idk shh
he wanted to become a nurse bc his mom was one, and he saw how much she adored her job
plus seonghwa is a self-less and caring person, so this was the perfect choice for him
he lives in an apartment on campus with his roommate hongjoong and it’s both a blessing and a curse
it was a blessing because his and hongjoong’s personalities matched very well, so they rarely had arguments
but it was also a curse bc joong was a music production major so he’d be producing music in his room, which normally wasn’t a problem, but on nights where seonghwa was studying for his exams, hongjoong would be in the room next door blasting music
usually all seonghwa had to do was knock on his door and ask him to keep it down, but there were nights where he would just pack up his stuff and study at the campus library instead
he often stayed for about 3-4 hours or more if he had an exam the next day
hwa really liked anatomy and phys but absolutely despised chemistry
“what the hell is the difference between polar and nonpolar? wait, why does this lewis structure only have 2 bonds? shouldn’t it have 3? ah shit i forgot an electron–”
sometimes hongjoong would come out of his room to get a glass of water only to find hwa asleep at the kitchen table with a copy of the periodic table on his head
he loves getting to wear his scrubs on lab day bc 1) scrubs are super comfortable and 2) it gets him excited thinking about the future
he also started volunteering at the nursing college in the labs
he’d help the lab ops set up the labs, refill the fluids, repack the medication, or clean up the simulation rooms
this also gave him the opportunity to get to know his future professors, and he would never admit it, but whilst he was volunteering, he would admire the older nursing students wearing the official university scrubs
it made him that much more determined to get into nursing school
during his first semester his second year, he had less of a workload compared to his first year, so he had more free time and was able to go out more
one day hongjoong asked seonghwa if he wanted to hang out with a few of his friends, and he said yes
so the two of them went out to this nearby boba cafe where hongjoong’s friends mingi, san, and wooyoung were waiting for him
you were there as well, tagging along as a mutual friend of san’s, and he introduced you to the two them
“hey hongjoong, seonghwa, this is my friend y/n! i hope it’s cool if they come along. i needed to drag them out of their room or else they’d be studying for hours on end,” san teased, knocking your head lightly w his fist
you stuck your tongue out at him then turned to shake hongjoong’s and seonghwa’s hands
when you made eye contact with the latter, his face lit up with recognition “oh wait, y/n? you’re in my pathophysiology class right?”
“oh yeah, i sit right behind you. nice to meet you, seonghwa!” you flashed him a smile, and he smile back
after everyone introduced themselves, you all found a table and ordered your drinks
mingi, san, and seonghwa sat on one side of the booth whilst you, wooyoung, and hongjoong sat on the other
you were quite surprised, and quite relieved, at how well you were fitting in and getting along with hongjoong and seonghwa…especially seonghwa
during the time that you all were together, seonghwa found out that you were a nursing major too and the two of you launched into a full blown discussion about it, unaware of the looks the others were giving you both
hongjoong had a faint smile on his face, mingi was chuckling and shaking his head, and san and wooyoung were giving each other knowing smirks
at the end of the night, seonghwa had asked you for your number in case yall wanted to study tgt, and you happily obliged
then you all said your farewells and went your separate ways
a few days pass and you don’t hear from seonghwa, which was quite understandable considering the fact that it was midterm season and you were both busy
but you were also kind of looking forward to study with him, he seemed really smart and self-disciplined which was exactly the type of study buddy you needed
but another couple days pass and lo and behold you receive a text from the one and only park seonghwa that reads: hey you wanna study tgt for the patho exam at the library today?
ofc you said yes and half an hr later, you found yourself at the library sitting right across from seonghwa
the two of you had your laptops, notebooks, and handouts spread all over the tables and were completely in the zone
after an hr or two of straight studying, you suggested taking a small break and that’s where the two of you got to talking abt nursing and why you both chose to major in it
“well my mom’s a nurse, and when i was younger she would always talk about how much she loved her job. she’s super hardworking and cares about her patients, and that’s how i want to be someday. plus as a nurse, if i could just make someone’s day just a little bit better, then that’s all that matters to me.”
needless to say, you were captivated by the raw passion and love seonghwa had for his future career, and you couldn’t help but admire him for it
after your short break, the two of you went back to studying, but this time yall would often make eye contact and send each other encouraging smiles
you found yourself slowly becoming more comfortable with seonghwa as the time passed by
and after that, the two you started having more and more study sessions, growing closer and closer
whenever an exam or quiz was coming up, you two would always be found studying tgt whether it was at his apartment or the library
and that’s when the hesi exam came in
the amount of time you guys spent studying for regular exams was nothing compared to the amount of time yall spent studying for the hesi
on the day of, you and hwa were practically freaking out
“oh my god y/n i’m so scared. what if i forget how to do the conversions? what if i forget everything i learned in anatomy? what if i forget basic grammar–”
“hwa shut up you’re making me nervous!”
basically yall are a wreck from the beginning of the exam all the way to the end, and once yall walk out of that testing room you almost collapse
anyways fast forward a few weeks later it’s almost the end of the semester and also around the time where you would be receiving your letter saying whether or not you were accepted into the program
it was a friday night and the entire gang was at your apartment having a movie night
you were looking thru your emails when you stumbled upon one from your university, and when you saw what the subject was you screamed, scaring the living daylights out of mingi who was sitting next you
“y/n what the hell–” “guys, guys my nursing school letter came in oh my god, oh my god!”
the entire room went silent for a millisecond before san let out a shriek and soon everyone was crowding around you
hongjoong gripped seonghwa’s shoulder “did you get yours yet?”
the latter’s eyes widened in realization and he also whipped out his phone, letting out a choked gasp when he saw the same email “mine came in too!”
at this point all of yall were freaking the hell out, and you and seonghwa somehow found each other’s hands and held them tightly tgt
“okay, okay, okay!” you reposition yourself on the couch so you were facing your fellow nursing major “on the count of three we open it at the same time, yeah?” all seonghwa did was nod
“alright, one…two…three!” everyone held their breath and it seemed like an eternity had passed…and then you and seonghwa jumped up from the couch
“i got in!” you yelled at the same time, which caused the others to belt out the loudest cheers you’ve ever heard
overwhelmed with excitement and pride, you threw yourself onto seonghwa and gave him the tightest hug, and he wrapped his arms around your waist, gently lifting you off the ground
when you guys separated, both your eyes widened at the lack of space btwn the two of you, and you immediately jumped away from each other
“um,” you cleared your throat “i’m…i’m really proud of you, hwa.” he gave you the softest of smiles, one that made your heart race even more than it was right now
“i’m proud of you too, y/n.”
aaaand fast forward again to the beginning of the next semester! you and seonghwa were officially in the clinical portion of the nursing program which meant you two were now able to wear the university’s official nursing scrubs seonghwa probably cried a little when he first tried his on
and since yall were in the program tgt, you saw each other more frequently, even more compared to the previous semester
which certainly didnt help alleviate the strong emotions you were feeling ever since the two of you shared that small, intimate moment just a couple months prior
before you didnt use to feel anything when you hung out with seonghwa, but now just thinking abt him was enough to get you all giddy and nervous at the same time
it had reached a point where you couldnt take it anymore, so you decided to seek help from the one person who knew seonghwa best: his best friend and roommate, hongjoong
when you met up with him and poured out what it was you were feeling, hongjoong sent you a fond, knowing smile “y/n…you like him. romantically, i mean.”
you gaped “i…what?”
“you, y/n, have romantic feelings for my best friend, seonghwa.”
“i..i like him? i don’t…i don’t have–” you froze upon seeing the way hongjoong raised his eyebrows at you
“i…i like…i like seonghwa,” you finally breathed out. hongjoong’s gaze softened and he chuckled “took you long enough…now if only seonghwa could stop being a coward and just ask you out already,” he mumbled the second part under his breath
not knowing what to do with the information you had just uncovered abt yourself, you thought it’d a good idea (read: it was the stupidest idea) to distance yourself from seonghwa for a bit, just long enough for you to process the thoughts racing thru your mind
you were unaware, however, of how you distancing yourself might look like from seonghwa’s pov
he’s noticed you not hanging out with him as much anymore outside of class, and during class whenever he’d try to talk to you, you’d just scurry over to the other side of the room
he started getting worried and, ironically, he went to hongjoong for advice
upon hearing what’s been going on, hongjoong sighed loudly and slammed his hands down on the counter
“okay, initially i wasn’t going to say anything because i wanted the two of you to find out on your own, but obviously that isn’t going to happen so i’m just going to say it. y/n’s avoiding you because they realized they’ve fallen head over heels in love with you and don’t know how to react. so hwa, please be a nice guy and help them figure it out if you catch my drift.”
at that, hongjoong walked out and into his room, leaving an open-mouthed seonghwa frozen in the kitchen, he was at a loss for words
he knew hongjoong knew abt his feelings for you, but he didn’t think you’d feel the same
after contemplating whether or not what he was abt to do was a good idea or not, seonghwa simply said “screw it” and dashed out the door, heading straight for your apartment
once he arrived, he knocked rapidly on your front door
you had barely opened the door when seonghwa practically slid right in
“seonghwa? what are you doing he–”
“y/n, i’m sorry for just barging in but i need to ask you something really important and i want you to be completely honest.”
you gasped softly at the way he was looking at you, it was so intense and so serious you’ve never seen him like that before
“uh, okay? what’s going on?” you asked nervously
“do you have feelings for me?”
you choked “w-what?!”
“i talked to hongjoong and asked him for advice bc you’ve been avoiding me the past few days, and he said it’s bc you like me. is that true?”
you didn’t know what to say, the familiar warm feeling in your stomach came back and you found it difficult to maintain eye contact with seonghwa
a few seconds of silence passed, and you could see seonghwa’s serious gaze slowly start to crumble and all of a sudden you panicked
“yes! y-yes…it’s true. i do have feelings for you,” your voice trailed off at the end, but you knew he heard you when he saw him stiffen up
he let out a shaky breath “how long?”
“huh?”
“how long have you liked me, y/n?” he asked more firmly
“u-um, i’m not sure? i honestly didn’t start noticing i felt like this until about two months ago when we found we got accepted. although, the more i think about it, i’ve been attracted to you since our first study session together. the way you talked so passionately about your future and how dedicated you were into making it come true made me feel something, and what you said was really inspiring to me and i just–”
your sentence was interrupted by a pair of lips connecting with your own, and it took a second for you to realize that…seonghwa was kissing you
oh my god…oh my god seonghwa was kissing you
once you finally registered what was happening, he pulled away from you, eyes wide and cheeks flushed
“oh..oh shit, y/n i’m so sorry! i didn’t mean to–i should’ve asked for your permission first. i’m so so sorry!”
seonghwa tried to take a step back, but you grabbed his wrist before he could
“y-y/n?” he stared at you
you couldn’t wait anymore. not after that.
“please, do that again.”
now it was seonghwa’s turn to choke on his breath “h-huh?”
you tightened your grip on his wrist “seonghwa, this is me giving you permission. kiss me again.”
and he did
unlike the first kiss, this one was much longer and more heartfelt. you felt his arms snake around your waist, tugging you closer and closer
you could feel the way your cheeks were heating up, but at the moment you didn’t care, wanting this moment to last forever
but unfortunately, all good things must come to an end
“hey y/n, who was at the doo–holy shit!” at the sight of you and seonghwa, mingi let out the loudest screech, causing the two of you to jump away from each other
“oh fuck i forgot san and mingi were here,” you cursed under your breath. seonghwa stood next to you, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck
mingi still remained where he was in the hallway, mouth wide open in shock before he recollected himself “ohoho my god, san! text wooyoung and tell him he owes me dinner!” and with that, mingi took off running down the hall and into one of the rooms
and once again you were left alone w seonghwa
for the longest time, the two of you just stood there, refusing to speak nor look at each other
the room was so silent you could practically hear both of your hearts racing
“so uh…does this mean you and i are…?” seonghwa asked sheepishly, taking a small step towards you
you glanced up at him and couldn’t help but giggle at the hopeful look on his face
you turned towards him and flashed him the brightest grin “yeah, we are.”
the smile that appeared on seonghwa’s face at that moment was enough to take your breath away, and you had to physically restrain yourself from kissing him again
instead you opted for taking his hand in yours and entwining your fingers tgt
now that you and seonghwa were officially dating, it made studying that much more fun
when you guys started doing your clinicals, it became hard for yall to see each other, but it made your time tgt much more special when you did have time
seonghwa is a very touchy and cuddly person, so whenever there’s a short break in btwn lab or lecture, he’ll either be sitting next to you with his head on your shoulder or his arm around your shoulder and your head on his chest
the other nursing students (and sometimes the professors) would scream at how cute yall were
and bro if you thought seonghwa was your biggest motivator before you started dating, then he’s even bigger motivator now
when he quizzes you, he’ll always give you a kiss on the cheek if you answer a question correctly, or when you come back from a particularly rough shift he’ll be there to hold you and tell you that you did your best
oh yeah and to cheer you up he’ll say a bunch of anatomy jokes
“hey y/n, i aorta tell you how much i love you”
“oh god, hwa don’t even start.”
“oh c’mon, quit ovary-acting.”
“park seonghwa”
“you’re going tibia okay”
“i’m breaking up with you”
#ateez#ateez scenarios#ateez imagines#ateez au#ateez headcanons#ateez fluff#seonghwa#seonghwa scenarios#seonghwa imagines#seonghwa au#seonghwa headcanons#seonghwa fluff#college au series
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you really are about to unlock smth bc a) i have SO many thoughts on the sequel trilogy and b) im DESPERATE for a distraction so um. i think about the prequel trilogy and i really truly start to lose it. bc force awakens was SO GOOD. like remember the first time you watched it and you (me, but maybe you as well) were like? HOLY SHIT. it was obviously a new hope v2 but it was FRESH and NEW and there were cool characters that i CARED about. (1/3)
HELL YEAH let’s get into it ok ok ok OPINIONS INCOMING.
TOTALLY with u on this. like the prequels make me mad about the wasted potential but tbh the sequel trilogy is just like. draining emotionally because they LOOK so fucking good. the force awakens WAS so so good, like very very star wars even if it was following the plot beats of anh. and then it just. tanked itself holy shit. like at least the prequels look bad, sound bad, it’s like a comical level of tragic. the sequel trilogy feels like having chalk dust spread all over my skin and then being put in an echo chamber of nails on a chalkboard 😔 at this point even tfa comes with a TINY lil bit of like 😞 just because i know what comes after but YES tfa is one of those star wars movies that just FEELS so fucking star wars it makes me unhinged. “THATS ONE HELL OF A PILOT” YEAH BITCH!!! IT IS!!!!! GAY PEOPLE!!!
the last jedi. a mess. i like certain rian johnson films but he should not be allowed to be anywhere near Star Wars. my main problem? (beyond the racism and romanticizing stalking and emotional and physical abuse?) it doesn’t FEEL like star wars. like. ok even in the darkest moments in mainstream star wars films they are SUPPOSED to feel hopeful. tlj feels like watching a train wreck in slow motion it’s just like shitty thing after shitty thing after shitty thing happening to the main cast. i think the casino planet’s design was a little lazy and WAY too underlit and rose’s character was pointless in the way she was shown in the movie. exhausting. the jokes were all on the wrong edge of disrespectful to the characters and the original star wars like luke tossing the lightsaber over his shoulder? appalling. not funny just there for shock value. everyone is out of character. everyone is stressed and miserable all the time. aside from things i didn’t really want to see but wouldn’t have argued with in a better movie (ie luke dying) it really was just a racist misogynistic mess. oh yeah did i mention how they did rey’s character dirty because she went from being a scrappy desert mechanic who’s a little dorky and just trying to find a family and a place in the galaxy to Bland White Girl Servicing a Man’s Character. that pales in comparison to how finn poe and rose’s characters were treated but HOLY shit. i walked out of the theater crying. tfa raised my expectations only to have tlj smash them down to the floor it was. hhhhh ok ok ok im trying to think if i liked anything from the movie. um. you were right it looked good! sound and score were great as usual. i did think poe’s conversation with hux at the beginning was funny. i really liked when leia used the force to come back to the ship (ik that was a controversial scene for some people but i did really like that scene. she deserves it). laura dern is cool i hated her character but in theory laura dern being leia’s lesbian boarding school friend is neat. but yeah im sorry i really REALLY didn’t like that movie we only saw it in theaters once it was so bad. :( i do agree with u abt the force mysticism being cool tho!
rise of skywalker. now maybe it’s because the bar was on the floor after tlj. but i actually liked it quite a bit. still kind of a mess. jj trying to retcon all of the stuff from the last movie because for some reason he wasn’t just allowed to do the whole trilogy. the pacing being a nightmare for the first half. the atrocious abuser-validating kiss at the end. but im gonna be real after having to sit through tlj i was happy enough just to see the main trio back together and finn and poe being treated with more respect to care much about that stuff. disney queerbaits me once again but that’s on me for clowning. i really genuinely liked the scene where rey passes the lightsaber to kylo i thought that was cool but it was overshadowed by the knowledge that the Kiss 🤮 was coming so i didn’t get to enjoy it like i wanted. ALSO hayden christiansen and all the other actors doing the voices in the scene where rey is fighting the emperor (who im pretty sure was only in there because RIAN put the trilogy’s intended big bad into a sparkly gold bathrobe and killed him off in the second movie but im not complaining about seeing ian mcdiarmid) were apparently on set in costume and force ghosts were supposed to protect her in like a big circle and what im saying is i feel robbed and cheated and feral
the only movie of the three i REALLY liked was tfa. now we’re back to How Would I Fix It. step one fire rian johnson. step two put JJ on the whole trilogy and HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE for having a plot planned out, or else get a different director TO DO ALL THREE MOVIES. none of this middle of the road “trying to appease both sides of the fandom” bullshit. kylo dies at the end and they DO NOT kiss and that is all the redemption he gets. if disney is claiming gay rep then they SHOW us ACTUAL gay representation. poe and finn kiss on screen and we don’t get a two second blurry background kiss between random characters. completely toss out whatever the fuck that plot was supposed to be in tlj and separate ros into two movies so JJ could actually DO the entire plot he had planned (instead of disney execs chopping down what was p much a four hour movie into two hours twenty two minutes which was SHORTER than the two hour forty minute cut jj reluctantly okayed but i DIGRESS).
god. what the fuck. anyways sorry for completely going off the rails but ty for sharing ur sequel trilogy opinions and ty for letting me rant sorry this got so long but ily!!! ❣️💕💝
#pi's personal#star wars#treasured mutuals#query on top#this sounds really angry. holy fuck#sorry!!! im not yelling at u. just pissed off in general#anyways finnpoe cannon king. homosexual legends i LOVE rewatching tfa and getting FLOORED by the gay tension#thank u Oscar Isaac and John Boyega for your heroic sacrifices gone but not forgotten 😔✊ /j#jordan tag ⚠️
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THE SACRED TEXTS!!! EPISODE 3
I just finished the 3rd season of Clone Wars(2008) and I have Thoughts!
s3 is typically where I’ve seen ppl saying Clone Wars gets gud but, for the first half of the season, I was pretty skeptical. Until ~ e11 the season’s dedicated to filling in holes from the earlier seasons which, frankly, didn’t really need to be filled? Like: I’m not really sure WHO, in the audience, would be sitting around wondering “gee, I wonder what’s going on with Mandalore’s trade-policy during all of this?”?? Or “was a Republic Army sent to help Ryloth when it was first invaded, and what happened to it?”??? And most of this not only felt pretty unnecessary, but was also pretty Meh (:T There were good bits! Like, I didnt ACTL mind the Ryloth ep, and it acts as a declaration of sorts that it’s now both open-season on Jedi(yeah, technically Kit Fisto’s ex-padawan Vebb died in Lair of Grievous, but he was very much An Outlier), and more broadly open-season on named&faced humanoid characters.
To give an example: not ONLY does Domino Squad from Rookies in s1 get a fleshing-out backstory(which is... very Pat and derivative and convenient, but the characterization is ok given they’ve only got one 22min ep to do it in. & I liked 99′s whole role as basically surrogate dad to all the other clones), but pretty much ALL of them, I think, end up getting killed off during the season? Like I said it’s a clear statement they want to break with the past while building on the “hey fans: CLONES ARE PEOPLE! THEIR SITUATION IN THIS WAR IS MONSTROUS!!” message the series has been soft-peddling from the beginning, but I feel like they didnt really commit to it enough. Like: IF they had stuck with the Domino survivors throughout the season, if we’d gotten to see them in episode after episode, gotten to know them better alongside the other members of Rex’s ARC battalion, gotten to see them face dangers and survive them, only to watch, agonized, as they, and the rest of the Battalion vets, slowly get picked off in the increasingly dangerous missions of the second half of the season, then that would have made the message MUCH more effective, AND made the Citadel and Padawan Lost arcs much more tense.
And really all of the impactful deaths of the season sort of feel like that. Like: we get one episode to know Mina Bonteri(a human, of course) and her family before she’s killed off(though i did Dig how unceremonious and unsentimental it was; that really got across the stakes involved and the sorts of scumbags Amidala, and the audience, are dealing with). We get even less time with the Jedi killed by Oppress; a few seconds at most(and btw it’s kind of HILARIOUS how he just... bulls in there and wrecks em like it’s nothing, after two seasons of ep after ep of uneventful cat-and-mouse. Of course that’s undermined by him&Ventriss, then, utterly failing to be successful against Dooku, purely because the plot demands it |:T) Same with Master Piell. Ziro we know much better, but he was also a fairly annoying caricature and his final eps went out of their way to use him to introduce EVEN MORE annoying caricatures so, while his getting gunned down is successful in showing violence and violent death as sudden, unsentimental, and pathetic rather than heroic and worthy, we dont really care. And that’s further undercut, pretty seriously, by his being a caricature; pathos is hard to pull off with an object of laughter/scorn as it risks just making their suffering funny to the audience(which... is the OPPOSITE of what you want to accomplish). This isnt helped by having the Jedi who find him basically shrugging at his death before racing into a Cool Fight. The “Force Wielders” in the Mortis arc suffer from the same problems(and also: Force Dualism&”The Chosen One” Talk: BLEAGH!). The only one of these they manage to get right, to me, is Kalifa’s death in Padawan Lost which, due to us getting more time to see her sitch and hear her&the other younglings talk about it, genuinely ends up having an emotional impact(if still feeling super-convenient and a bit improbable)((also I love the inclusion of a predator ep, even if they’re cheap dime-story predators)).
The same goes for all the non-death falls and endangerments. The corruption of the Mandalorian Prime Minister falls flat because we barely know him, and he’s never been portrayed as sympathetic or, for that matter, as anything other than a factotum. The only Pantoran we know in Sphere of Influence is Senator Chuchi, and more than half the episode is dedicated to the Prime Minister, his Son, and his(interchangeable) daughters(and we never see any of these characters again in the season); the ep comes off as nothing more than an excuse to reference Greedo(and Im annoyed by him speaking common all of a sudden. Who watching CW would have a problem with subtitles?).
BUT! They’re trying!! They’re moving in the right direction!!! I’m happy about this ^v^ And the later half of the season, while I have my problems with certain episodes, and the continued non-human stereotypes, and the convenient writing, and the not-great(tho getting better!) dialogue, is actually kind of entertaining, and attention-bearing. Arc Troopers, the 2nd ep of the season, is Solid! The Mortis arc is good, overall! The Citadel and Padawan Lost arcs are Compelling!! I like the Witches of Dathomiir, even if their Arc is “Meh” because the series IMMEDIATELY undercuts their cool concept(aside from the laser-bows which are LEGITIMATELY Stupid. I’m sorry; I will not argue over this they’re Dum) by having their plans, and all the implication towards deep plots&cunning manipulation, turn out to be empty and fruitless(ie, Dooku totally should have been terribly wounded by all this, which would have also been cool re: Sidious, as it’d imply THAT WAS HIS PLAN ALL ALONG! TO WEAKEN THE GROWING POWER OF HIS APPRENTICE AND DRAG THE WAR OUT EVEN LONGER!!) Also: the Witches, rather than being “magic users” drawing from the “unique power” of their ~evil planet~(a swamp, of course, following long-established Magic the Gathering tradition u_u) should have just totally been a non-Sith(possibly Pre-Jedi) sect of Dark Side Force Users. I really like the idea of Non-Jedi/Non-Sith(since they’re literally just two sides of the SAME tradition; the Sith are literally Jedi Heretics) Force Traditions being out there in the galaxy, and this was a good chance to build on that which I felt they didnt do enough with, and hope they WILL do more with in future(I especially like the ideas of force-attuned poison? Like what if they could “poison” or “curse” people THROUGH the Force? That would be sweet as hell :3).
Another improvement is in the action in this season. It’s not at a level I’d call “thrilling” or anything, but it feels much less like stiff, rote, weightless FLUFF than it has in the two previous seasons. Frankly I think a lot of this is just their engine and how ppls joints just sort of SNAP into position during fights, and also the excessive acrobatics of the prequel-style, both of which makes it feel unnatural, predetermined, and performative rather than deadly and vital(like excessively practiced and robotically acted choreography, basically). But, having said that, you see ppl make mistakes, you see consequences FOR those mistakes, and thus there is SOME sense of danger and weight to it that makes it more compelling than it has been in the past, and this should be praised uwu
And I like that the Politics are a lot clearer and more forefronted in this season than previously! While the Corruption Arc on Mandalore did feel rather hollow, rushed, and After-School-Specially(and, I DEEPLY resent its peddling of offensive and baseless anti-Ophidian tropes >:( ), it’s core message abt the dangers of profiteering and the corrupting influence of profit-seeking(ie Capitalism) on politics and society is a good one and clearly delivered. The Amidala episodes in this season Knock it out of the park consistently, and especially on their messaging ^v^ ^v^ Also, I DIDNT MIND the very fillery C3PO and R2 ep! Yes: it was essentially a waste of an episode since Bane was working for the Hutts to spring Ziro in s1′s Hostage Crisis & there’s basically NO WAY they wouldnt have been able to provide him with a set of plans for the Senate building(and the prison, for that matter), but WHATEVER: it was Kind Of Fun and I like seeing those two be an old bickering married couple and C3PO freak out over getting praised; IT WAS FINE!
So, while there werent any standout ep that I REALLY ENJOYED like Trespass in s1 and R2 Come Home in s2, and I very much didn’t like the 1st half of the season, I think I do have to concede that s3 is An Improvement, overall. I’m actually a bit excited over moving on to s4, given the upward trajectory this season ends on quality-wise owo
Oh: and the Ahsoka redesign? Neat uwu uwu(if untentionally Hilarious since they havent been changing her model over time so she just... grows three feet and bulks out in, like, a single night, presumably. Togruta Puberty must be HELL :p :p :p)
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it’s 7am and for no especial reason im gonna throw out “bat boy” numbers that really go off which is, really all of them, but still, might as well share my wisdom
a) COMFORT AND JOY: obviously!!!!! THE song. it is seriously like, wow. the drama. and its Such a jam. what haven’t i already said to endorse it? cuz i’ll say some more.
b) SHOW YOU A THING OR TWO: automatically gets second spot b/c its second most likely to be in my head. it’s all “i’ll show you a thing or two, second verse with these-two-notes [two-notes]” and i do a little dance for those two-notes. and the lyrics “you’ll soon complete it—but, wait! ((??)) don’t eat it ((oh))” will loop thru my brain like fifteen times. lot of Musical Style variation in this whole show and this ones got like, a highstepping chorus line theme & thats a delight. and lots of incredible lyrics too, like this song’s “but now say howdy to a summa cum laude.” oh wait and i suppose its self explanatory but meredith The Mom and shelley The Daughter are teaching edgar The Bat Boy like, all of general knowledge in a matter of weeks / maybe several months. dr parker The Husband / Vet is tangentially helpful but not really because he sucks. meredith’s patience is v nice. you really have to root for them, except dr parker, because he sucks.
C) CHILDREN, CHILDREN: any ranking order beyond this is basically just me throwing darts w my eyes closed but this is a good third cuz its again that musical variety......this ones like, this 90s-ish movie credits remix echoey chimy synthy thing going on?? but its really a jam too. when the company joins in with the “oooo~shalala” i go BERSERK.....and there’s this suddenly punk rockish break in the middle of it. pretty great. what’s going on is that, as edgar and shelley are fleeing from Society into nature / the woods to reinvent their notions of humanity, the god of that sort of stuff Pan has shown up with an eden-esque panoply of animals to sing this song to set the mood. obviously.
D) WHATCHA WANNA DO: speaking of punk rockish...this is that? it’s a bit head-tiltingly jarring as its just this number in which one of the local teens who found edgar in the cave shows up to the parkers’ house where he’s currently caged and reacts to him in a Thematic Microcosm of what will be others’ reactions, aka to reflect a like, lack of inhibition re sex and mostly violence back at his feral nature and perceived inhumanity. one of the stranger numbers in a weird musical, but still a jam, see: punk rockish
E) A JOYFUL NOISE (REPRISE): end the musical here and everythings fine! just a real short one but a lot of fun because of what i just said. edgar goes to the local revival to beg the townspeople’s and preacher’s acceptance, and they give it to him. yet more musical style variety and a shoutout to this exchange
F) THREE BEDROOM HOUSE: send the musical in a different direction in the middle of this and everything could still be fine. this is a fun boppish number kinda reflecting elements of “show you a thing or two” musically, which i suppose is since its again mostly about meredith having decided that they can make this mess of a situation work. that mess being that, edgar Was accepted by the town but actually her husband killed a local teen and then showed up and blamed it on edgar & implied the mysterious plague upon their cows was edgar’s fault too and edgar’s run off into the woods. then this one is followed by children, children. i could go in order but its chaos rules only!!! the amount of fun energy in this song is frankly great and its like hell yeah meredith!!!!! hell yeah hock this stupid ring!!! kill your husband!! or whatever. js
G) CHRISTIAN CHARITY: god this one is fun idk......also self explanatory imo. local teens have found a cave cryptid, now the sheriff has him, he’s dragged him into the house where the local vet lives and is just p much casually dumping said cryptid on them, which is funny. there’s Musical Themes here repeated w some of the townspeople’s numbers & set up for comfort and joy....what really gets me is the sheriff’s part that starts abt a minute into the number where it’s like, this really neat almost-lilting musical phrase in the key of i don’t know, but its cool. i like it
H) INSIDE YOUR HEART: man, this one’s got this like, p simple musical Theme in there that’s just like, that’s all you need really. sort of like, the classic ballad duet type of song now. but also sort of cutting its own drama, b/c the musicals like, tragicomic and all. like edgar has this whole swelling “oh god this curséd existence you have to leave me” declaration and then immediately you get shelley’s matter of fact “...no.” even tho its a bit Meta Humorous like that, frankly its still a pretty great straightforward and sweet number which im sure a lot of musicàl love songs Wish they could be, which is just made more Smh by the fact that a) it’s about shelley trying to convince edgar its okay to drink her blood and b) because right after it ends meredith shows up to belatedly inform them that they’re half siblings. shits a wild ride.
I) A HOME FOR YOU: careening back to the beginning....this one is also less like, oh shit im gonna dance along, more of a subdued and quiet number, but its a nice solo of meredith’s and p sweet but not in a way like Inside Your Heart where its gonna get immediately wrecked. instead its one of the more grounded songs where she’s just telling the feral bat teen now in her house that maybe he can like, belong somewhere. it also has the Additional Depth not yet revealed in the plot that meredith is aware that edgar is her own child whom she had previously presumed dead. and this song is also Significant in that it’s Reprised when edgar realizes he might actually be fully human (he’s not) and is eager to go to the town’s upcoming revival and win their acceptance; and its Musical Theme is briefly reprised in “apology to a cow” when edgar is at the total opposite end of things, having been turned on by the town thx to the betrayal of his evil stepdad, and then having his and shelley’s attempt to forsake the need for social acceptance in the first place Also Wrecked by their mom telling them she’s their mom, so then he’s just mad at everything and murders a cow b/c he feels the only thing left is to embrace their idea of him as a killer monster, and he Reprises the a home for you theme as he swears to kill both meredith and dr parker, which he doesn’t, although they do Die around him. whoops. wanna @ will roland and be like “hey can you sing this one single line from Apology For A Cow?? cuz its rly cool and honestly a lot of these songs make me sure that wroland’s version of this material what with his voice and acting and how dramatically that production seemed to treat the outlandishness in general all means i’d fucking go ballistic and i wanna hear ‘this face will be the last thing that you ever see’ cuz that key change and that like, rise and fall at the end,,,,OOF,,,”
J) I IMAGINE YOU’RE UPSET: just round it off by slapping this climactic song right down. it’s a lot. dramatic again but also kinda fun...ish......i mean its the “everythings gone to shit and lets bring everyone together for peak disaster” so how much fun can be had? yet the quick exchange of “i smell [...] her sweat” “oh my god” whole town: “JESUS!!” and the sheriff singing “im sorry your life’s a sham” like hfvlmao thanks dude. but there’s all the clashes of characters’ built-up emotions and edgar is over here covered in blood and demanding to be killed while the town is like YEAH but all meredith’s lines are especially bittersweet and honestly like its a weird absurd story obviously and we’re all here to be ourselves and have fun but the story does make me bummed cuz of thinking about it all as “okay, yeah, but if you treat it earnestly,,,,Sad” like man you hearken back to three bedroom house and how meredith is determined to see it all be okay and really like just wants to live with her kids somewhere safe and NOT with her crap husband who’s been ruining everything the whole time for once. and then she’s here caught between the final confrontation of the Dramatic Foils that are edgar and dr parker and in general everything is a bit too late. ugh. lot of Dramatic Exchanges here and musical theme reprises!! that’s the good shit. and then the song ends on dr parker’s sort of ominous yet resigned-ish “are you hungry edgar” (shoutout to comfort and joy!!) after which he cuts his own throat, and, just like in comfort and joy, (and sort of like just prior to comfort and joy, when edgar reflexively defended meredith from dr parkers Violent Behavior) when he presents edgar w the fresh blood edgar automatically Attacks, wherein dr parker takes the chance to stab him, and inadvertently stabs meredith when she tries to shield edgar, and they all three die w edgar bleeding-outly refuting his humanity to shelley, and then there’s the final number where everyone’s like wow that was some shit. but ACTUALLY there is also this one specific detail i’d be desperate to see from the nyu steinhardt version, which is that after they all die and there’s that Breathless Moment, the Man From The Institute who the sheriff had called earlier to deal with edgar Rushes In and sort of beholds the whole town gathered staring at these three bodies and maybe a cow’s head off to the side, and one of the townspeople just goes “...you’re late.” and i am so certain that this line is HghhfGH-wheeze-laugh worthy; but the performance i saw they did NOT do the timing right!!! they said it like right off whereas what you need to do is hold the pause at least three full seconds!! and then go: You’re Late. i’m adamant about this. so much of Landing The Delivery is timing!! anyways. god. press f. anyways. it’s now 9 am. thanks and good morning. basically saying that the whole soundtrack is basically pretty great and really will roland has doomed me to actually be invested in this weird story, b/c its the ol magical realism comedic-framed wild obviously-that-would-never-happen plot, but, still, you’ve got this teen trying his best and it COULD all be fine actually but it all goes to shit b/c nobody killed dr parker in time really. well i’d just like to conclude by saying it’s raining and that’s great b/c i love when it’s raining
#long post ///#but a great and essential post //:/#february 2011 nyu steinhardt players club bat boy production starring will roland#like i WISH bc i wish we had that productions versions of all these songs!!! and the whole thing rly!!!! help me william spinnato!!!!
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hewwo i’m felix ( 20 , he / him , gmt ) and i just realised my fc has no mf resources that aren’ t from him as a fetus and will therefore b spendin approximately all my free hrs cranking out gif icons , so lets get it * pained laughter * ! this is my boy.. except he’s not my boy and i take no credit for who he is as a person because he’s the personification of a flaming dumpster fire , xu yuxian . his pinterest board is here , i don’t have a full amazing wc page but i do have some wc’s beneath.. so if u jus wanna stick around for that i won’t blame u bc otherwise this is just a Wreck . ( i literally just had to search up my muses name bcs i forgot it but i know he’s a scorpio at least so if that is any indication of how this is gonna be then yeah . this is gonna be the Worst ) . drop a heart if you would like to plot , or just add me up on d*scord no anime pls im christian#1950 for quicker messages ! TW : mentions of drugs , violence , death , blood , manipulation .
scanning XU YUXIAN, they are TWENTY FOUR year old and read as CUNNING but DECEITFUL, which explains why they are referred to as the VARMINT. before virtual reality HE was IMPRISONED FOR THE DISTRIBUTION OF DRUGS and living in QUINGDAO, CHINA. they’ve been said to look incredibly similar to HUANG ZITAO, but they’ve never seen it. in this new virtual world, they plan on DOING ALL OF THE CRAZY SHIT HE'S ALWAYS WANTED TO and hope to NEVER GO BACK to reality.
* BACKGROUND !
tl ; dr . “ the best way to solve a problem is just to eliminate it . " in thick accented mandarin. the roar of a bike kicked to life with exhaust pouring out of the tailpipe and the low graveled hum as it idles way past midnight. charcoal ashes and heavy-lidded eyes. teeth stained red from marlboro's and split, bloody lips. baseball bats through car windows, the scrape of a bic as it lights. the smell of cigarettes burned deep into veins. the drag of a knife light across a throat. knuckles blooming purple pressed into nose bridges, a smile with a pair of pliers knocking against porcelain teeth. THIS vine.
so as formerly stated this is yuxian, the worser half of the xu siblings. disruptive and dangerously reactive to any sort of aggression, he's adapted to a reality reliant on violence and force over patience and rationale. he's an overall shitty guy, with some even shittier habits. street smart and instinctive, his world works in harsh turns and bared knuckled fists.
dropped out of high-school.. was one of those ‘lunch is my fav class’ kids except he got dragged 2 school by the ear when he was younger and then people just. stopped giving a fuck !
so he did what most boys do in big towns with no proper parental guidance: raised a little hell, drank a lot of alcohol when his liver was barely formed, fixed bikes and engines, and beat up a few rich kids who looked @ him the wrong way. speaks like every mf villain in an anime ever. over-enunciates vowels and suffocates his consonants. acts like the stray he p much is w parents as shitty as his.
the xu family had earned themselves a nasty reputation in the community they lived in. they're tough, they're intimidating. they do things their way. xu’s speak with their fists and their knives and their brass knuckles and their bats, not known for thinking out their actions before acting out. violent. horrible. the worst People™.
yuxian’s parents owned and operated a dim-lit, greasy restaurant in the heart of their community, once used to deepen the family's pockets as they sold some choice off-menu items, they were offered a deal by a rich family that bought up their block when yuxian was around 15, selling their enhanced drugs imported from europe behind the grime-coated counter. yuxian saw the $$$ and didn’t think abt how risky it would b, or that they’d be the ones caught red handed if they were ever raided. being able to label himself as a drug dealer just made his reputation in the community go up.. and he was livin la vida loca
along with working as a drug-runner, he liked to fancy himself as something of a debt collector, making sure to "follow up" with anyone who hopes to evade payment to the family. weapons of choice include a baseball bat to the kneecaps and automatic knives. has he actually hurt anybody ?? absolutely Not. he a puthy ass bitch... but don’t say that to his face unless u wanna end up like that ‘what are u gonna do? stab me? guy who then.. got stabbed
basically yuxian will do whatever it takes to get what he wants and to survive. he never considers himself a bad guy; he considers herself bold where others find him brash. he thinks that he's tough where he's really just a brute. he's never a bully, it's never unjustified, but if he ever is he doesn’t think much of it bc he’s never gonna change , ygm ??
he ended up in prison when he started selling drugs to the rich family’s only son, who lbr, became quite a decent friend to yuxian. the son in question had a bad side - effect to the dodgy drugs they were dealing and died of cardiovascular complications. worst thing is that the last memory xian has of the world before virtual reality is waiting for his parents or siblings to come visit him at but being stood up.
next thing he knows he’s in a world where his freedom hasn’t been taken from him and he can. he’s Extremely Bitter, and very Chaotic, my guys. so watch out
* PERSONALITY !
honestly and truly, at the end of the day, yuxian is not a good friend to have. xian is not friendly. he will never say the thing you want to hear as opposed to how he is feeling, he'll never sugarcoat anything, he'll never be a listening ear. encouragement and support don't exist here. he is fickle and fair-weathered and will use and use and use until there's nothing left to give.
self-serving and self-invested to his core, he cares so little it's essentially nonexistent for anyone other than himself. not even his family, given the circumstances. he is opinionated and reactive. volatile. if someone is looking for an influence in their life that will give no fucks and encourage even the smallest whispers of an impulse, yuxian is The One™.
every bad influence every mother's warned about, everything you know you should say no to: that's her. he has nothing to lose and lives his life accordingly. those in his periphery, he encourages to do the same. respect and admiration are not easily earned. he needs to be impressed. the grander the debauchery, the more points earned. but of course, don't try too hard.. bc that’s corny and he can sniff someone simply trying to impress from a mile away.
still, to those that he's aligned himself with and chosen to befriend – xian can be loyal the way a snake is to a pack. his trigger-haired temper and baseline defensiveness makes him a good rabid junkyard dog to have in any corner. loyalty is mostly reserved for those who benefit him or to those who serve his best interest – contrary to popular belief, he's not entirely stupid. but definitely has been called a bimbo a minimum of five times in his life.
simply put, he's a thug. his family has terrorised residents and he hasn't fallen too far from the tree, reaping the benefits of everyone's worst expectations. he's vindictive, manipulative, short-tempered and callous. he'll go to extreme lengths – which often include coercion via intimidation or violence – to get what he wants. he has little regard for other peoples' safety, well-being, or feelings. he lives to ruin lives; not in that fuckboy-esque i'm-going-to-steal-your-gf-and-ruin-your-social-life kind of petty bullshit. he IS a fuckboy but that’s besides the point..
every action is based on gut-impulse, acting purely out of unfettered emotion without thinking of what the consequences might be down the line. just pls hate him bc he really deserves it.
speaking of Love.. with a reputation that followed him from a few years into high school for being tht guy who makes u feel good abt urself then leaves u on read, he's learned to embrace it and accept that people think he just can’t commit. xian is not good in relationships, he doesn't quite know how to show affection in a healthy way. he gets possessive and jealous and easily poisons everything from the inside while trying to sort out the subconscious overbearing fear of this person realising how shit he is or actually realising they’re worth more than his half-assed attempts at affection. so instead he keeps it at an arm's distance before it gets that far.
* WANTED CONNECTIONS !
bad influence ( somebody he is corrupting essentially )
friends who like to crash parties / slum around bars
perhaps people who he knows from before and were aware of his ugly reputation ?? idk this is gonna be an area only open to a few but if they ever lived nearby or in the city where he did then it’s a possibility !
friends who like to smoke weed behind dumpsters
people who he can con
someone who tries to see the good in him but beneath the dirt there’s just more Dirt
enemies / frenemies
violent low-lives who he can connect 2 on an emotional and physical level
fwb / one-night stands / some sort of violent dislike in personality which in turn results in sexual tension ?
#virtualintro#why do i never have tags why am i like this#i think the last time i had fully functioning rp tags was like 2014. no lie
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tags (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)
ok so ive been tagged in different tags by different people ,,, nd have procrastinated on actually doing them ,, so i decided to compile all of them in one post !!
warning: this will be a v long post ,, read only if u wanna ,, know more abt me i guess (why would u lmAO)
fact tag?? i guess
rules: tag 9 people you want to get to know better and answer the questions
was tagged by maria !! @s0ftminho ♡ඩ⌔ඩ♡
Relationship status: single
Favourite colour: yellow,, peach,, nd black
Top 3 ships: oof idk?? oo nomin probably !!
Lipstick or chapstick: i dont use them :”)
Last song: im listening to gfriend - rough rn!
Last movie: spiderman homecoming hAHHAHA ( i was doing a mini marvel marathon bc my dad had the movies and didnt ! tell ! me ! but i uh stopped there lmao )
Top 3 shows: i dont watch shows often,, but i do rly like knowing brothers, night goblin :”) nd its dangerous outside the blanket! oooo theres also cafe amor that is p cute too !!
Currently reading: ok if manga counts, kimi no todoke nd bnha ,, if not ,, waking gods by sylvain neuvel (but i paused like ,, last yr prob hAHHA)
kpop + music tag!
ok so i was tagged by @01yoonjin to do ,, both of these tags if im not wrong,, and @maetaamong tagged me for the music shuffle tag and @hyuunjins tagged me for the kpop tag thingy aha
music shuffle tag
rules: put all of your phone’s music library – no playlists! – on shuffle. list the first ten songs that play. bold the song(s) that lift your mood and italicise the song(s) that makes you the most emotional. then tag ten people!
mad city - nct 127
campfire - svt
us now - vixx
hold me tight - bts
talk me down - troye sivan
paradise - nct 127
too good - troye sivan
grr 총량의 법칙 - skz
another world - nct 127
blue - troye sivan ft alex hope
kpop tag
rules: answer the questions!
1) 5 favorite groups?
skz
nct
nuest
sf9
w1
2) Top 5 on your bias list? (no particular order)
hyunjin
(lee) chan
(lee) mark
chanhee
jr (jonghyun)
3) Ult Bias group and why you love them?
oof ok i,,, dont know? im not the type to actually Stay ulting a group?? like ill stan then ,,, then,, get into another grp,,, yeah,,,, im not v loyal aa my friends always ask what grps i stan and im liek ,,,,, idk,,,, i stan a Lot,,, (that was a real convo between a new friend i made weeks ago) but i guess,, atm its skz? their music is,, my taste? like the meaning of it nd all,, and uh theyre also v v fun to b with,, there isnt a moment when i dont smile whenever i see one of their vids or during their vlives :”) tbh what i like the most in groups i stan is their humor lmao,,, like if theyre v funny, i automatically love them even more :”))
4) Ult Bias and why you love them?
again,,, idk man,, i dont think i even Ult hAHHA ok but i ,, rlly like bae jinyoung nd chani hHAHHA ok but also ,,,, hyunjin. that boy,,,,, id do anything for him tbh ,, also bjy wasnt even mentioned in 2 but,,, i rlly love him ,, like idk,, i dont stan w1 as much now but ,, whenever i see him im like :-))))) (same goes for chani aa) fiuwe idk y i like them sm tho aa
5) Favorite Kpop Meme
iiiiii dont have any guawdeij
6) Favorite pic of your ult? (I dare you to only pick one)
ok what,,, i dont even know my ult hAHAH
7) 5 Favorite Kpop MVs
dont stop - twice (this is in jap tho,, does it count?)
nuest - daybreak
blooming days - exo cbx
you&me - kisum
go - nct dream
8) 10 Favorite Kpop songs?
vivid - loona/heejin
heart attack - loona/chuu
singing in the rain - loona/jinsoul
scentist - vixx
boss - nct u
rollercoaster - chungha
shine - pentagon
blooming days - exo cbx
trigger - vixx
my valentine - vixx
nd a lot more auief
9) Favorite Kpop crack video?
oof i dont watch crack often-
10) Favorite content creator within the fandom?
all of them!! :”)
11) What fandoms would you say you’re an active member of?
aa atm the sk fandom !! i was q active in the svt fandom in my main blog but i dont make content anymore :-( i do want to b active in other grps (like nct nd sf9 nd mayb nuest) but i dont have enough Commitment to run other blogs at the same time :”)))
12) Take your top 3 biases- fmk
these arent my top 3 but-
F(riendly convo with) - murk leeeee
M - oof tbh id marry seungcheol or mingYU OmG :-)))))))) hes not my bias but ,, hes such husband material tbh ,,,,,,,,
K - lee chan bc he,, keeps Killing me w those looks even when im tryna stan another grp ughrei
13) If you could be best friends with any idol, who would you choose?
chani? or chenle!! for chani ,, we’re q similar nd we both like chicken !!!!!!!!!!!! so yes. for chenle ,, we’re also kinda similar but we def have the same humor ,,, which is always great :^)))))
14) If you could date any idol, who?
hm,,, tbh these days ive been feeling Soft for mark (lee) nd !! also bjy ,,,, ahHa im sorry hyunjin yshvriIHFED
15) What’s one Kpop album you think everyone should have listened to?
vixx - eau de vixx bc nO ONE i know talks abt it :-((((
16) Are you a soft or a hard stan?
swoft??? or medium idK HAHAH
17) An idol that makes you go into soft mode?
100% hyunjin,,, Also bjy.
18) An idol that makes you want to smash the empire state building with one single punch?
o man is also hyunjin aLSO mark lee :-))))))))))
19) Favorite vocalist?
oof hm,, defo seungkwan ,,, seokmin,,, basically svt’s vocal team :-))) oOF reading this again ,, yo haechan???? God tier vocals,,, pls stan nct :-)))
20) Favorite Rapper?
oo ok so i watched high school rapper nd i really like osshun? nd oH bang jaemin :”) aa i need to watch s2 soon jgafiue
in terms of idols, defo 3racha,,, theyre So Good uiahrfiu
21) Favorite dancer?
aAA in terms of girls: cHUNGHA!! for boys its ,, basically all of svt performance team nd,, ten and taeyong- (i like a lot of dancers its hard to choose ifajoiwe)
22) Things you have in common with your ult?
ok i,, dk my ult but ill just do it w the idols i put in in that q - for hyunjin i feel like we ,, both struggle w cooking lmAo nd have troubles waking up early :”) ,, actually now that i think abt it,, were both v quiet nd shy but when u get to know us? were v Loud nd savage (same w bjy nd chani) also again ,, chani likes chicken, i do too so :-)))))))
23) The mot beautiful trait any idol can have?
hm,, confidence? it takes a lot for someone to just go on stage and sing/dance etc,, like i would Never b able to do that- (proven today: had a skit and had a shaky voice the whole time , also laughed alot oops)
24) Songs that will always make you jam along?
vIVID by heejin nd singing in the rain by jinsoul nD ALL THE OTHER LOONA SONGS-
also rock by skz !!!!! nd nd omg rollercoaster by chungha nd,,, scentist by vixx nd many others hAHAH
25) Your worst wrecker?
in skz its ,,,,,,,, ***** :-)) also nomin have been wrecking me these days ,, rip
26) Any kpop concerts you’ve been to?
0 bc my parents wont let me :-(
27) Favorite choreo?
there r too many-
28) Favorite live performance?
also too many- but i do like concert performances where the fans sing along too- like those Hit me in the feels everytime (eg: smile flower - svt!!!) iahfnie (does this even count lmao)
29) Favorite debut mv?
adore u- svt !! (3rd anniv coming up ihHIWU)
30) Recommend a rookie group
skz obv, loona, unb ,, (g)i-dle !!
31) A kpop song you could listen to every day for the rest of your life?
there is a Lot but prob vivid - heejin hAHAH I RLLY LIKE THAT SONG AUWIFHIAU
20 question tag!
rules: answer 20 questions and then tag twenty people you want to get to know better
i was tagged by em !! @realstraykids (´∀｀)♡
name: hazirah (oo name reveal :^))
nickname(s): haz
zodiac sign: scorpio
height: i am smoller than em ,, barely 5 feet :-)))))))))
languages spoken: ok ,, eng, malay, arabic, uuuh tiiiiiny bit of chinese and im now (kind of) self learning korean :^)
nationality: singaporean
favourite season: ok we dont have fall in sg,, but fall !!
favourite flowers: baby’s breath!
favourite scents: the scent of fried chicken :-)) or fresh laundry ,,, also petrol smell :-)
favourite color: i answered above but yellow, peach nd black
favourite animal: shiba inus !!
favourite fictional characters: mmmm kacchan nd aizawa nD TODOROKI IFIAEUR HOW COULD I FORGET HIM O Mg frm bnha !! also baz nd simon frm the book carry on, simon by raindow rowell (one of my fav books tbh) ,,,, also tanaka frm tanaka kun is always listless bc hes goals tbh. ALSO oMg USUI TAKUMI FRM KAICHOU WA MAID SAMA OH MY GODUIHF
coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: ok in cold countries i Always get hot chocolate,, here in sg i always get green tea,, or ice lemon tea sometimes :-)))
average sleeping hours: 5-6
dog or cat person: both but more towards cats tbh
number of blankets you sleep with: 1
dream trip: the world !! or like japan/england ,,
blog established: feb 1 2018
followers: a number :-)
random fact: mmmmmmmm i broke my fast w two of my friends last night nd caught up w each other nd im v happy :-)))))
nd thats the end !! (not really,, theres like 2 slefie tags but i have 0 pics oops) but if you read through all this,, congratulations,, you probably know me more than my classmates :-))))
#tagged#about haz :o#i actually wrote some of these beforehand#so idk how accurate this is hHAHA#also for the bias thing#im bad at explaining/elaborating so descriptions r short nd stuff#i apologise ayugfbuwe
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Send Nude Pics of Your Heart to Me
James Potter to Mrs. Wife: lily can we have another baby?
Lily Potter to Wears Socks to Bed: R u going to text me that every time Harry does something cute?
James Potter: yes
Lily Potter: U know if we got one every time u asked we’d have like 35 babies by now??
James Potter: i’d be okay with that
James Potter: they might give us our own tv programme
James Potter: lil and jim and their kin
Lily Potter: Ur right what’s the point of having children if not to pimp them out for reality television
Sirius Black to Babe: u know it’s extremely rude to fuck in the house while ur babysitter is downstairs watching ur kid
James Potter to Hot Stuff: i don’t pay u to complain
Sirius Black: u are literally not paying me
Sirius Black: i am doing this out of love for this little banshee
James Potter: we made u godfather. and u can have dibs if i knock lily up 2nite
Sirius Black: fine but at least play some music or smth christ what are u doing to her?????
Lily Potter to The Other Woman: Quit texting James while we’re fucking
Lily Potter: Tho he is surprisingly good at multitasking
Sirius Black to Sugar Tits: only if u make him call u daddy
Lily Potter: Deal
James Potter to James Has A Daddy Kink: lupin will you look after harry next weekend? sirius is permanently banned from babysitting
Sirius Black: Still godfather m8
James Potter: not anymore remus is godfather now
Peter Pettigrew: am i not on the list??
James Potter: you will get on the list once u stop screaming every time he poos
Peter Pettigrew: fair enough
Remus Lupin: Can I be godfather when Harry’s like ten? Babies are terrifying
Sirius Black: i will not stand for this betrayal
Sirius Black changed the chat name to James Wanked To McGonagall For All Of Year 9.
Peter Pettigrew: pretty sure it was longer than year 9 👀👀👀👀
James Potter: it’s not embarrassing if ur not ashamed
Remus Lupin: If you’re gonna text me at work at least leave my colleagues’ names out of the group chat
Peter Pettigrew: should u b texting while ur teaching?
Remus Lupin: The kids are using their phones to film for a presentation it’s fine probably
Sirius Black: see potter? he’s already showing he’s bad w/ kids he’s gonna let harry on the internet unsupervised
James Potter: harry is 1
Sirius Black: ur never too young 2 start developing abandonment issues
Remus Lupin changed the chat name to Sirius Wanked to Yugioh in Sixth Form.
Sirius Black: listen here u little shit
James Potter to Ginger Spice: lily look!!!
Lily Potter to Daddy’s Girl: U have sent me 12 pictures of Harry dressed as a penguin in the past 2 minutes
Lily Potter: (((And I have loved every single 1 of them our baby is the cutest?!?!)))
James Potter: i fucking know right
James Potter: legitimately he’s better than other babies
Lily Potter: Our baby could take the Longbottoms baby in a fight
James Potter: our baby could take DUMBLEDORE in a fight
Lily Potter: I mean ur right but
Lily Potter: In what situation would our son be fighting the headmaster of our secondary school
James Potter: idk but he’d fuckin wreck him have u seen how hard he pulls on hair he’d rip that beard right the fuck off
Lily Potter: Tru
Remus Lupin to Jimbo: How did you get i’m a furry to autocorrect to i’m a furry
Remus Lupin: DAMN IT I MEAN I’M A FURRY
James Potter to Dances with Wolves: we’ve all known for a long time remus i’m not here to judge u
Remus Lupin: I’M NOT A FURRY
Remus Lupin: I’M A FURRY
James Potter: u seem to be experiencing some conflicting emotions
Remus Lupin: I’m trying to say I’M S I C K
James Potter: of hiding ur true nature as a furry? we’re sick of ur denial as well mate
Remus Lupin: You are officially disowned
James Potter: ur not my real dad
Peter Pettigrew to Remus is a Furry: so are u like a brony or do u dress up as a wolf and sniff people?
James Potter: the 2nd one definitely
Sirius Black: idk man i think i saw him eyeing one of harry’s picture books the other day
Sirius Black: does red riding hood get u going
Petter Pettigrew: lmao
Remus Lupin: Potter I’m gonna murder you
James Potter: just try it my son will avenge me
Sirius Black: oooooo he’s got u remus what r u gonna do fight a baby
Remus Lupin: I will explain to Harry about how his father was a bellend and he will take my side
James Potter: lies. harry will never doubt my honour. just the other day peter sneezed on me and harry bit him
Peter Pettigrew: thought he bit me bc hes teething?
James Potter: irrelevant
James Potter to Never Furget: remus did u change all my profile pics to screencaps from bambi
Remus Lupin to Jimmy Neutron: Why do you ask?
James Potter: bc everyone is commenting on them but i can’t see them or take them down what did u do
Remus Lupin: Maybe the universe did this to you James
Remus Lupin: The world is trying to tell you who the real furry here is
Remus Lupin to Jimothy: Did you buy me a fucking bunny?
James Potter to Froot Lupes: remus i know ur new to pet ownership but bunnies aren’t for fucking
Remus Lupin: James. Why did someone deliver a rabbit to my house
James Potter: i thought u could use some company
James Potter: since ur both
Remus Lupin: DO NOT
James Potter: furry
Remus Lupin: I’m moving to Australia
Remus Lupin to James is Not One of Us: Just because I’m keeping the bunny doesn’t mean you’re forgiven
Remus Lupin: It’s for the children. My students have fallen in love with it
Sirius Black: sure ““““ur students””” fell in love with it
Sirius Black: speaking of children who r u gonna turn to now potter
Sirius Black: if i’m banned from babysitting and u and remus r on the outs
James Potter: pete’s still here
Peter Pettigrew: yeah im still here
Sirius Black: peter tell me how you change a nappy without looking at wikihow
Peter Pettigrew: um
James Potter: our house has wifi?
Lily Potter to Bambi: Peter Pettigrew is not babysitting for us ever again
Lily Potter: He flushed a disposable nappy today
Lily Potter: Naked Sunday is canceled
James Potter to Faline: but it’s the day of our lord lily
James Potter to Boyz II Men: congratulations sirius ur hereby reinstated as godfather
Sirius Black: good bc i’m thinking of getting a sidecar for my motorbike
James Potter: harry is not allowed on ur motorbike until he is at least 9
Remus Lupin: I think you’re forgetting how Harry got home from the hospital
James Potter: fine. harry is allowed if both lily and i are also on it
Peter Pettigrew: #parenting
Peter Pettigrew: i got fired today btw
James Potter: what? why???
Sirius Black: what did u do
Remus Lupin: Are you alright?
Peter Pettigrew: im fine
Peter Pettigrew: director was just looking for “something else”
Sirius Black: that’s shit
James Potter: sorry pete
Remus Lupin: Is there anything we can do to help?
Peter Pettigrew: idk maybe we could just hang out and talk?
James Potter: sure we can do that
Sirius Black: i’m not good w/ emotional intimacy
Sirius Black: how do u feel abt alcohol?
James Potter to Meri Jaan: i msis u
James Potter: ur os pretty
Lily Potter to You Are My Soniya: It’s 2am love
James Potter: i kno btu thsi is v importnat
Lily Potter: What is it?
James Potter: i lvoe sirius
Lily Potter: Unbelievable
James Potter: and u!!11111
James Potter: also im srory if i pee on hte rose bsushes a gain
Sirius Black to Blossom Powerpuff: just so u know we’ve taken james’s phone from him
Sirius Black: but he says i’ve gotta tell u that ur his favourite wife
Lily Potter to Mojo Jojo: I’m his only wife
Sirius Black: james says ‘irrelevant’
James Potter to Heart Eyes: love u’ve gotta stop sexting me while i’m w/ clients
Lily Potter to Poop Emoji: Why’s that?
James Potter: i’m developing some kind of pavlovian response
James Potter: every time i look at a surrealist painting i get an erection
Lily Potter: Paint me like one of ur french abstractions from reality
James Potter: sex fiend
Lily Potter: U love it
Remus Lupin to Lil Wayne: You and James need to stop have things delivered to my house
Remus Lupin: I promise you I can feed myself without a 15 year old dropping off a week’s worth of groceries
Lily Potter to R. Kelly: Bread and chocolate is not a diet Remus
Remus Lupin: It has kept me alive this long
Lily Potter: Ur lucky we don’t have u move in. James says ur too skinny these days
Remus Lupin: James is built like a broomstick
Lily Potter: ...
Lily Potter: I want to defend him bc he is my husband but.... u right
Remus Lupin: Then will you stop trying to parent me
Lily Potter: Don’t talk back to ur mother Lupin
James Potter to The Lady from the Bee Movie: evans r u wearing my jeans again
Lily Potter to Jerry Seinfield: No
James Potter: ur having a picnic with bathilda in her garden and harry and i are in our sitting room w/ the curtains open i can literally see u
Lily Potter: Maybe these are mine
James Potter: i’m almost a foot taller than u and ur jeans r not that long
Lily Potter: If they r ur jeans what are you going to do about it
James Potter: ur gonna catch these hands
James Potter: in ur own bc i love u
James Potter: but i still want my jeans back
Lily Potter: I want my pre-baby figure back m8
James Potter: touché
Sirius Black to Cars 2: pete how would u feel abt modeling
Peter Pettigrew to The Lion King: funny
Peter Pettigrew: hard to get an acting job thats not typecast
Sirius Black: i’m srs
Sirius Black: i mean. u know what i mean
Peter Petitgrew: modelings fine. i’ve done some hand stuff
Sirius Black: sometimes when reg can’t make a job his agency will offer it to me
Sirius Black: and i told them i wouldn’t do it unless i could bring a friend
Peter Pettigrew: thanks... u didnt have to do that
Sirius Black: don’t make it weird peter just take the job
Sirius Black to Peter Does Hand Stuff: i’m handsome right
Sirius Black: like i am good looking
James Potter: tru
Remus Lupin: yeah
Sirius Black: then how did i get kicked off a photoshoot so they could take more pictures of pettigrew
Peter Pettigrew: dorcas said it was bc ur face is too unnatural
Peter Pettigrew: no one looks like that in real life
Sirius Black: i look like this in real life!!!
Peter Pettigrew: anyway dorcas told me they want me to be the face of the whole campaign which is cool
James Potter: that’s fantastic pete!!
Remus Lupin: Congrats Peter!
Sirius Black: i can’t believe u would sell me out
Peter Pettigrew: were all just trying to survive capitalism sirius
Sirius Black: so money is worth more than our friendship
James Potter: sirius u don’t even like modelling
Remus Lupin: Also you don’t need the money, you’ve got your inheritance and your radio work
Sirius Black: i like to know who has a price they can be bought for
Sirius Black: in case one of us ends up murdered
James Potter: walburga really fucked u up huh
Lily Potter to Put A Ring On It: R u on your way home?
James Potter to Crazy In Love: on the tube
James Potter: did u want takeaway again? bc i kno the chinese made u sick the other night so maybe i can just get u soup?
Lily Potter: No I’m fine I just wanted to know when you were coming back
Lily Potter: I have news
James Potter: tell me. the man beside me is cutting his hair and it’s getting on my trousers. i could do with good news
Lily Potter: I’ll tell u when ur home
James Potter: evans u can’t just dangle news in front of me like that and then take it away i demand answers
Lily Potter: It’s in-person news
James Potter: r we getting divorced? is this bc i said prefer 7/11 to formation
Lily Potter: That is definitely grounds for divorce but no
James Potter: lily ur worrying me. is everything ok???
James Potter: i’m gonna call
James Potter: i’m losing service hold on
Lily Potter: James we’re going to have another baby
James Potter: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
James Potter: i love you. i can’t hold u yet so i’m gonna hug the haircut man
Lily Potter: <3 <3 <3
James Potter: i may have just told him we’d name our baby after him how do u feel abt the name christobal
Lily Potter: Hard pass
James Potter: u said that abt me once and now i’ve impregnated u twice so i’m gonna tell him maybe
Lily Potter changed the chat name to Sirius Has Dibs.
Sirius Black: r u hitting on me evans
Sirius Black: u do realize ur husband is also on this chat. i mean i’m up for a menage a potter but what will we tell harry
Peter Pettigrew: james’s parents like adopted u this is definitely some kind of incest
Sirius Black: “Definitely Some Kind of Incest” is the black family motto
Remus Lupin: Tbh I’m surprised you don’t have a tail
Sirius Black: how do u kno that i don’t u don’t kno my life
Lily Potter: It’s good 2 know our children will have positive role models
James Potter: it’s too late for harry we’ll just have to get better friends with this one
Peter Pettigrew: ????????
Sirius Black: ur not
Sirius Black: U ARE
Remus Lupin: Congratulations?!
Sirius Black: UR HAVING A FETUS
Peter Pettigrew: BLIMEY CONGRATS
Remus Lupin: Wasn’t Harry born literally yesterday? You guys are like rabbits
Sirius Black: i can’t believe evans is ““in trouble”” again this is wild i bet it’s bc euphemia used all those metaphors while giving u the sex talk
James Potter: papa don’t preach
Sirius Black: i love it when u call me papa
Sirius Black: wait do i have dibs bc of.... u guys r disgusting
Lily Potter: Does that mean u don’t want dibs?
Sirius Black: NO I HAVE DIBS ON ALL POTTER CHILDREN NOW AND FOREVER THEY’RE GONNA BE MY ARMY TO FIGHT REMUS’S SECONDARY SCHOOL KIDS
Remus Lupin: I can’t in good conscience send eleven-year-olds to war but on the other hand you’re on
Peter Pettigrew: £5 on the fetus
Lily Potter: £1000 on the fetus Potter Progeny United
James Potter: this is why i married u
#james potter#lily evans#jily#jily*#marauders#mine#the title is from tgp#happy birthday james!!!#my life is in shambles and so is this fic lmao
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4, 8, and 10~
im so excited to answer these thank you
4) zone of truth, rush in, or hang back?
if you’re asking which catchphrase is objectively my favorite, i would probably say “magnus rushes in”. it’s just so candidly magnus, and hearing it is like when you know someone very well and they do something and you’re like yeah that’s so them. i also like it because it makes the moments where magnus doesn’t rush in stand out a whole heck of a lot more.
if you’re asking which catchphrase most describes me, it’s probably “taako’s good out here”. because as much as i would like to say i go hurtling into danger like a Brave Gal, im the kinda person who sits back and thinks and waits lol
8) who’s your favorite enemy?
the raven (sloane) from petals to the metal without a doubt. i just thought that, all around, she was an incredibly complex and intriguing character that i found myself emotionally invested in. like while she was very clearly under the influence of the gaia sash, there were certain parts of her actively fighting against its thrall. as hurley pointed out early on in the arc, she’s not a killer–she’s not your typical bad guy–and it shows. i also really liked the romantic subplot with hurley, their relationship was so raw and real. like griffin really made me feel that shit on a cosmic level.
10) what’s your favorite arc?
i am constantly torn between the eleventh hour and the suffering game.
the eleventh hour because i just really love time distortion shit (my blog was a dw based blog for fuckin ages). but i also loved the fact that we finally, FINALLY unlocked the tres horny boys’ back stories. those got me real fucking emotional, but i liked learning abt these three idiots i’d spent so long knowing little about. oh and also that whole bit with the thb having to relive the fires of phandalin? shook me. i’ll never recover.
the suffering game just because i feel like we got to see sides of the boys we hadn’t seen before. like they were in the midst of true sacrifice and suffering and had to look after each other while occasionally forfeiting the well-being of others and also just. the whole ‘arms outstretched’ bit ??? oh man i was a wreck.
as a bit of a side note, griffin mentioned in one of the taz zone episodes that there was a whole part of taz that could have happened in the astral plane and kravitz would have gotten like some more ‘screen time’ but that was scrapped bc of arms outstretched and do NOT get me wrong the arms outstretched sequence was beautiful and i wouldn’t trade it for the world but i will NEVER be over all of that scrapped kravitz content my fellas
srry i went a little bit overboard i just really love this podcast omg, thank u
♡ ask me anything about the adventure zone ♡
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rant???? yeah ignore this is 3AM remembering bad person
that i am lol and- OH MY GOD THE FUCKING UNDER READ WORKS. cool.
i was in an outdated part of tumblr which didnt let me post, im not gonna write again but keep rambling.
ahem
I mean really im feeling a lot of pressure sticking in.
End of college!
Getting a job!! (how do you job??? how do you talk in a interview?????? I DONT KNOW IF MY WORK IS WORTHY AT ALL?????)
relationships!!!
ART BLOCK ?! ?! ?! ?!
DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND EMPATHY KICKING IN!!!!!!
LIKE FOR DAMN REAL????
I DONT THINK DISTRACTING IS WORKING AT ALL??? OF COURSE ITS NOT!!!!
I AM PRETENDING TO KNOW ANYTHING AND BEING AN ADULT AND I APARENTELY CANT EVEN BE FUCKING RESPONSIBLE???? IM TRYING BUT WHAT
WHAT IS HAPPENING
CMON GOTTA CHANGE GOTTA BE BETTER AND and..
and what the hell really.
I know im depressed hitch.
like tbh its like my 3th year of high school
except is not im feeling like im going to die in the woods whatever THE FUCK was that feeling.
I feel hopeless. I feel like its not being worth of even waking up.
I feel like this might be a year i fucking kill myself dude. for presure???? what is this being so stupid.
what. jsut. WHAT.
I hate how im always awake. I hate how im always kinda cocon and my feelings get in the way.
I...
I dont wanna exist. I dont want any of this.
I hate this feeling.
Im gonna fucking search a therapist. Its needed!!! hahahahahahhahahaha oh goodness.
Im a wreck of human being. Let me be. Its...
Its time to tell.
I fucking caaaaant.
*sigh*. okay not the best lift but better than anything? wake up tomorow, hope Jazz come to help me somehow.
(hope maybe Alex will become a damn host cuz lmaooooooo its. wow. but hey im happy Gem is also back and having more golly time)
You know, I noticed how i get to end up surfacing and fronting while with others. because i see something interesting that might make me happy? and then I. I just end up coming to see and experience and then I fail it.
I screw up everything. I hold everyone back. My life? do I even want to be my life???
I guess I do.
But life aint just pleasure and i dont know why I dont understand that YET????
ugh
not being easy. no matter how much im supressing my emotions and yeah I shouldnt but wow yeah thats happening.
Im scared.
yeah.
Tomorow. Jazz me and Alex aight? therapist seeking pool and idfk whatever u want. buy a skateboard for all I care. dont forget the helmet.
oh!maybe a bit of. doing the- yeah I’ll do the dishes thanks for reminding me. But no. Talking with R friend as soon as possible abt the job stuff and anxiety and all. curriculum idk. Go to the google one like F friend said!!!!
edit: also i feel hopeless seing my country being ruled over a idiot who want to destroy everything and makes us look worse to the world outside and im like what the fuck but worse he took the fucking human right from lgbtq people like???? and want to destroy amazonia cuz damn greedy farmers and took the rights from the lands of the native people and they re getting fucking killed and and.
and I dont know what to do. I feel like I should do some hero/anti hero shit thing and want to go ape shit but i aint shit to do that and im like. What the hell do I do????
feeling like isolating trying to see other things but that doesnt change and I dont know what to do. Sincerely want to tear open some people that gave him any kind of fucking support like ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID CONGRATULATIONS YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS WITHOUT ANY EMPATHY AT ALL.
and now im becoming apathetic and at the same time not cuz im trying to ignore and everytime i remember that i feel like fucking go ape shit and i cant and its just.
stressful. stressful fucking year.
thats one more whys i want to freaking kill myself ahahahhahahahhahhahhaha I see no hope and dont know how any can go better OR MYSELF GOING BETTER IM SCARED MAN .
edits over i think
ok i’ll try to sleep bye
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17.02.2021 at 10:02
so what i wanted to say before initially
is that i read the letter
and was wondering if its still relevant
ok so my response letter its so in heat of the moment and gross but whatever. i wanna share before ur travels and not think about it
i think i have feelings for you too big time but im hella damaged and have big problems w trust so its hard to accept any thoughts of them. i literally cant stop thinking about u and it burns in my chest when i do
its recent, like 2 weeks. always thought im totally tripping out and were totally chill but like bro when i went to take that covid test the other day thats when i realised that it might be a fucking problem cuz i literally felt empty inside w out u and im soso scared sooooo scared of being ok with "feelings" and its really goddamn hard to talk about them as well for me but lets see what happens in the next month
slight overview of damage: the more i open up the more distant i get usually. i've always felt im not worthy of anything good in life and im rotten throughout and its my "destiny" to lean how to give myself away to """"god"""" and reach enlightenment through my own methods
i think all comes from my relationship with my mom which i need to fix before being capable of love cuz ive felt my whole life like i have no idea what it is as i think my mother does not know either. so its been my plan all along to try and learn to love my mother on this trip and forgive her (my whole life i ive been dealing with trauma from my dad so new level now spiritually)
it completely quiet in estonia so my mind is racing but whatever
our souls are connected forever and i feel a very strong connection to u and ur very good to me or just are good
18.02.2021 at 08:15
i love you so fucking much. everytime i look at you or think of you i feel blessed. writing these letters im not sure you even exist anymore. (having flashbacks of i love dick :D)
and i relate with everything you've said
i'm honestly very very very confused as well with these things so don't be scared to move at your own pace and trust yourself first..? there's nothing to prove and we both are free and i dont need you to give me anything you dont want to. everything
at the right place right time. i feel lucky?
on the topic of trust... you are the first person in my life i've connected with only based on my gut feeling. i overthink a lot, but with you i havent had the need to. in the past i would change a lot for a person, but with you i've only gone deeper within and it's gotten me to a point where i have you and for the first time i feel ready and i dont want to distance myself to avoid getting hurt and im totally okay with being completely honest with you. the feeling of trust came very naturally but it's still scary. usually i search for understanding and i always feel i never get it but with you its so different, i dont think about it. i've never actually realised before now that it's trust i've struggled with and it makes sense with every part of my life. trusting myself with my art, trusting others with myself. again, coming back to my upbringing-it defo makes sense cuz i've never trusted my mother
it's defo a strange point in our timeline but im glad we've talked about these things and opened up more
please have a safe flight, i cant wait u to be in nyc already and defo call me i miss u so
15.03.2021 at 01:00
i just remembered that i almost gave away my room away in july and cuz i was so depressed wanted to stay in estonia. found a new person but she literally cancelled like a week before i came back to uk and my init
2:42 am
literally i cant sleep and am spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this voice memo from my dads bday in the summer where my mom got super depressive/manic and is crying and im talking with her and i cant get the fucking sounds out of my head and honestly im shocked i even recorded it. my whole childhood was literally spent by her facing the window in our kitchen, not showing her face and crying and later locking herself up in the bathroom and i literally got the whole thing recorded and its so painful to listen
ugh i cant fall back asleep, spiralling so hard. yesterday i found this crazy voice memo from summer, dads bday where my mom got super manic and i had recorded it and found it yesterday. listened to the whole thing a couple times and now its stuck in my head like some random song. i'll play it to u one day, it's literally my 9-18yrs explained in that recording. my thoughts are rapidly shifting between that voice memo and you, i literally spent the whole day thinking about you.
i once dreamt that i needed to speak to my mother, grabbed her by her shoulder to turn around to see her face but she kept turning around and had no face, only hair. i never saw her face and this one time when i was stoned, i was trying to remember her face and couldnt. now realising that maybe it was because of these moments
19.03.2021 at 10:42
i love you so fucking much i love you i love you i love you so mich i love you i love you i love u love u i love you i love you i love you so much i love you so much im in love woth you i miss you im in love with you im in love with you l love you i love you im in love with you im in love with you i love you i love you im in love im in love love i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you so i love you so i love you so much i love you so much i love you i love you i think i really love you i love you so much its hard to breathe and i think i really love you and it feels great to really say it to you
20.03.2021 at 17:12
love u so fucking much coumba honestly i hope youll have an amazing day. im gonna go offline for a bit
had a really strange dream, really mundane. took the metro home from some festival and was living in my grandmas apartment again and elevator was broken so had to take the stairs. but it was super slow and dramatic. on my way up (the apt is on 6th floor) i over heard my neighbour family fight and i left the door open to overhear what the topic was and they were yelling at their child?
i crave physical touch
hey hope ur being productive!! goddamn, ive just been writing and reading the whole day and figuring out this creative block situation/ why am i so triggered by work. found the right stuff to read and feeling full of life again. hope u are too
hope you're not second guessing me for getting sad yesterday. im feeling fucking crazy and it might be cause im starting my period. i keep rereading your letter.
26.03.2021 at 19:21
bless you
ur so nice to me
had a walk and it was really refreshing. feeling better but have so many anxieties that sometimes i just explode
i fucking love u too. sometimes its like ur my lifes worth of care i never
sometimes i feel like my lifes worth of good is coming to my life through you
......ur so nice to me....honestly i love u too so much..... i think it might be bc of full moon but im just like a total wreck today :D thanks for hearing me out before. and yes i'm excited to see whats waiting for me in london!!
in other news -.... called me rude and an egomaniac bc i told her i was depressed and feeling xtremely anxious blabla basically overview of what i told u today so will postpone thinking about countryside stuff. feeling like shit again lolzzzzzz bc of it.... we were supposed to go together with misha but misha cancelled right so im not really in a hurry which she knew and wished me a happy trip back to london. like whenever she doesnt get what she wants she goes off but i mean i do understand that im being an asshole as well so its like the perfect way to end this day
baah mh im just gonna rant here u dont even have to respond :D but i used to be really really selfless growing up and my parents always bring it up that i let my friends use me lol and ive been hella defensive abt it always bc i never knew how intense it was?. friends literally always came first and i kinda repressed my true self bc of embarrassment etc etc and two years ago it slowly started morphing into hurt and disappointment idk why i expected sth back (now i dont thats prolly why im super self centred and delusional as well i guess) so like after all this shit when im like yo having a hard time i get called a fucking egomaniac... i think im tired and honestly the fact that im getting along w evert so well makes me so happy but yeah since eliann is horrible at expressing emotions its harder
31.03.2021 at 20:20
❣️ is for 🚬👄👗COOL🕶☕️🏙❣️
❣️ is for 🎀🎀🎀ORIGINAL 🎀🎀❣️
❣️ is for ⭐️Ur A Star ⭐️ ❣️
❣️ is for MUSIC 🎧🔊🎶❣️
❣️ is for 🦋🦋 BEAUTIFUL 🦋🦋❣️
❣️ is for 💫💐🧚♀️ANGELIC 🏵🖼🔮❣️
❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️
02.04.2021 at 14:24
miiisssssssss uuuuuuu sooooo muuuccchhhh aaaannndddd caaannnnoooottttt wwwaaaaaiiiitttt toooo seeeeee uuuuuuu aaallllrrreeeaaaddddyyyyy iiimmmm sssoooop eeexxxccciiittteeeeddddd ffffoooorrrrr iiiittttt
11.04.2021 at 12:54
i really reaally love you
13.04.2021 at 21:53
have said this before but im drunk AGAIN and will say this AGAIN that i think ur amazing
14.02.2021 at 01:46
im in love w u
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