#woe is fucking me amirite?
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me… sad boy
#I was going to whine a lot but why lot word when few word do trick?#I have been… soooooo anxious and depressed and I feel like I’m going to die soon & the world is ending the world is empty & I’m alone in it#I feel so sick#I need to get out and do something. I always need to get out and I never do and I’m dumb#so maybe I’ll just get messed up and stay in my room#I can’t sleep. I wake up tired and hurting. I can’t do anything.#woe is fucking me amirite?#also I just finished Black Sails and I cried a lot. why did I think getting emotionally attached to a show and finishing it was smart?#that’s not important. I mean it is but not really. what’s important is I constantly feel like the end is always looming over me#I miss my therapist but I’m scared to ever see him again.#same reason I’m scared to be around anyone outside of my immediate family: I’m a failure & I can’t bear to see that reflected in their eyes#so he joins a long list of people I can’t talk to anyone along with my dad and countless old friends#hey wait why did I segue to this?#boo hoo#analytically. logically. I can look past this and see how irrational these thoughts are#but goddamn if there’s not something chemical that just makes me feel sick and scared and I’m having a doozy of a time living with it#because Ian you need to work on long term goals. not just quick fixes like I dunno fucking eating pizza or playing video games#sorry. just wanted to vent. it’s been building up in me for days and I needed a quick whine#I shaved. I’m gonna get a haircut maybe tomorrow. if only to stave off my unhealthy feelings of ‘just shave your head at 3am’#my mom is finally reaching the point where she doesn’t need me to chauffeur her around all the time#and my brothers are finishing their semesters at school and also both have licenses now#so I think I can stop using those as excuses and try to… I dunno. live for myself now. that sounds cheesy.#gonna go get a low paying job doing something mindless so I can have extra cash for being alive#god I need a hug so bad#that’s not even… like… not even a lighthearted joke. I think if someone sincerely held me for a few minutes it would fix me. a little bit.#this is too much information#sorry I love you goodbye forever#but hey… really… I love ya… I mean maybe. not really. kind of. I appreciate ya and I’m here for ya… in spirit. like a ghost. a cool ghost.#you can ignore this#text
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: A Drop of Blood .
This was based on various Creepypasta AU's I saw, more specifically @crushedsweets and @necroromantics, and I decided "yo, that's fucking AWESOME- what if I made my own AU??"
BUT BEFORE READING MY INTERP, READ THEIRS BECAUSE BOTH OF THEM ARE FUCKING AWESOME WORKS OF ART !!
So, erm... anyway!
Hopefully, you guys end up fucking with it and I don't end up getting jumped in the comments or something lmao. That'd be a real woe-is-me situation, amirite??
Synopsis: A disease that never leaves once it gets ahold of you, a being so cold it makes you want to cry around it. An entity unforgiving with so much influence and so many pawns, where do they all lie in between it?
General Content Warning: darker versions of characters (whoopsie daisy), implied manipulation/gore/cannibalism- darker topics all around concerning characters. Depression/ Suicide heavily went into detail in Anneliese’s (OC) section.
Notes: I just wanted to generally post my interpretation/ The AU I made/ follow, it’s still a WIP, but I sincerely do hope you guys enjoy what I have so far. When I say relationships I don’t necessarily mean romantic, it can be platonic, etc. Besides, NOBODY ends up getting together in my AU simply because I do not want them to, lol. (Outside of Jane and her wife, Mary, ofc.)
And YES, we're posting this in chapters because this is already up to 15 pages long on Google Docs and I don't want to scare you guys away with my yap sessions. 😭😭
And YES, I added OC's- WHO'S STOPPING ME?! I CAN BE SHAMELESS IF I WANT TO ON MY BLOG! (Don't worry- if you aren't too keen on OC's, all their information is at the /very/ end, and you don't need to read it if you don't want to for the general gist of my AU/Interp.)
All of the Creepypastas/Proxies in this blog belong to their original creator, I am just adding my own take on the character/ HC's onto them and am NOT trying to endorse these characters as my own. This is all an AU I made with my spin-off of these characters who've been plaguing my mind since 2014ish. The only characters that belong to me are my own OC's.
If any Creepypasta creator pm's me and wants me to get rid of my interp of their character I will gladly do so, as the creator's wants/ boundaries outweigh my silly little AU.
Date Posted: O4.1O.24
Date Updated: OO.OO.OO, (bound to change)
Chapters;
O1. The Operator
O2. The “Hosts”/ Proxies
O3. The “Influenced”/ Creepypastas
O4. Zalgo/ The Zalgoids (WIP, aka not touched on at all because I don't know where they fit into the plot/timeline yet.)
O5. Relationships
O6. OC's and their link-ins into the story
O7. Headcanons (sue me)
O1. The Operator
The Operator is a being like a disease located all around the inner depths of the woods- he doesn’t have a form (more on that later) and can infect people to work like mindless zombies underneath him due to him slowly gnawing/ eating at their brain like a parasite. He doesn’t /ever/ step outside of the inner woods, so therefore he relies on “hosts” (proxies in my interpretation) to wander outside the inner woods/ outside in general.
He chews away and eats at their brains until they don't know what life was like until they started working for him, memories disappearing day by day as you're only forced to move on and go forward and try not to focus on how you can barely remember to do simple tasks outside of killing.
He doesn't have a form since he's a disease, a parasite that causes you to slowly have avid hallucinations of him- but it's not actually him, just something your mind came up with to explain what's happening to you.
And just like any disease, there are stages to the “Operator Sickness.” (There's no name for the disease he gives you, so that's what Brian and Tim came up with and everyone stuck by considering they were the first of the group to be "influenced", nonetheless "hosts".)
You cannot contract the sickness out of nowhere/ just because you’re in the woods. The Operator doesn’t go for just run-of-the-mill people, who usually target those who are already emotionally vulnerable and already feeling homicidal. He does not target anyone else because he deems them as useless for his cause.
1- static begins to form around electronics in your house, occasionally you might see some shadows move in the corners of your vision and feel a slight loss of appetite over time, but nothing too extreme.
2- you start to not want to eat at all, paranoia slowly begins to seep into your being as you /swear/ your electronics are whispering something to you among the static. It’s bad, but not terrible to the point you’ve completely snapped, although your sanity is slowly deteriorating day by day. You begin to have nosebleeds occasionally, but not too frequent to the point it’s concerning.
3- you’re more snappy, you begin to hear voices in your head urging you to kill- paranoia has taken complete control over your life and you begin to see hints of /HIM/ forming among the static in your electronics. You begin to form hallucinations and swear to see/HIM/ despite there being nothing there. Nosebleeds and vomiting up blood are occasional, but not frequent in this stage. You also begin to have avid nightmares about The Operator, which are so vivid they can’t help but feel real.
4- nosebleeds and vomiting up blood nearly happen every single day, you see /HIM/ everywhere you go, in every corner of a room you’re in. The voices are speaking to you nearly every second of the day, you don’t want to eat but when you finally do you vomit it all up again. You hear /HIM/ speaking to you, motioning you to the woods, and urging you to “give in to your desires” of harming the people you love. There’s no going back once you reach this point, and if you don’t harm yourself or others- you’re going to be quick to go. He doesn’t mind killing those who are useless to him or provide him no gain, after all.
He is not kind, he is not a parental unit or a father figure to his “hosts” or “influenced”, he just sees them as people he can use for his benefit. He does not care about them or share empathy/ sympathy with them- he is a looming threat to anyone who dares to enter his woods, and more specifically his “hosts” since he influences them/ has more influence over them. At will he can psychologically target them/ torture them, breaking their mind into shreds as he forces them to /remember/ their past, only to make them forget, only for them to remember- a grueling process that can make anyone go mad. And the worst thing is, he can do it whenever and how long he pleases- never backing off until he feels that they’re sufficiently tortured, to make it a “lesson” out of all things if his “hosts” or anyone under his influence dare to go against him.
He talks in whispers, in a calm collected tone throughout your mind- but with cool intentions, a looming threat in every word he speaks which subconsciously influences you to hold fear to him, to feel the need to comply unless you wish to end up with a fate worse than death.
In my interpretation, my “hosts” have either completely forgotten about their past, (Toby and Kate), or remember it- but not by much other than big events that happened. (Eyeless Jack, Tim/Masky, and Brian/Hoodie.) He’s a parasite that eats away at your brain and takes your memories with him in the process of doing so, he slowly deteriorates his “host’s” and “influenced” brains over time until they’re nothing but a shell of the person they once were.
As I briefly mentioned earlier, he does not have a physical form due to being a parasite. He is more a hallucination caused by the psychological damage he does to those he affects, he does exist- but just not on a physical plane of thought and more so a psychological parasite that harms those it gets into contact with. Because of that + your deteriorating sanity, it's easy for him to make you hallucinate what he is + what he looks like even if he doesn't exist.
i.e. The Operator will be a good distance between Toby and him, and to the public eye, he doesn’t exist. But Toby will be talking to what he thinks to be The Operator in a psychologically tormented state causing him to have avid hallucinations, but nobody will be there.
The Operator does exist, but kind of hides away and doesn't go out to check on those he's tormenting unless he direly /needs/ to. (i.e. if Masky and Toby keep on messing up a very dire mission The Operator placed them under, then he goes out of his way to see them.)
Because of this, he doesn't really have a form or stick to one- usually busy on the move to try and infect as many people as possible.
Subpoint A: The Background
The Operator has been rumored to exist for hundreds of thousands of centuries, no one really knowing the origin for such an entity who can break those it comes into contact with- and those who were able to come into contact with it merely lost their memories of the interaction or didn't live to tell the tale.
Rumor has it that The Operator began in Latin America in Brazil, in 1897- found luring small children from their parents into the woods for them to never be seen again. But then it got more morbid, twisted, even as children came back from the woods never looking the same- not remembering anything at all about them and their parents, or the topics they were taught in school. They wouldn't smile about their favorite toy like they used to, instead they'd stare with a nonchalant face and would shrug their shoulders before going back to aimlessly staring at the woods.
Parents obviously got concerned and began to take their children to the doctor, where the only guess to do at the time was a lobotomy in a feeble attempt to "fix" the child.
Nothing would change and their child would only be /slightly/ altered, causing parents to grow steadily enraged and paranoid- all this was taken to a point where REDACTED and REDACTED led a rally to march into the woods and take down whatever had been harming their children.
REDACTED left with 12 men, all of them being fathers and marched into the woods- never to be seen again, one of the fathers being the only one to come out from the voyage nearing a whole month later.
He looked /terrified/, and paranoid and was seen to be acting erratic- covered in blood and insisting on things that weren't there, scaring away anybody who got too close. He ended up being thrown into the mental ward, and REDACTED took it upon themself to find the remaining men.
REDACTED left in the early morning and wouldn't come back until noon, bloodied and holding on by a thread- grabbing their notebook and drawing a simple stick figure with no face before dying shortly after.
And that's when the rumor began- that anyone who dared to get too close or too in-depth into the woods was like walking into death, and anybody who dared to do so would die.
Subpoint B: The Location
Rosswood Park is where The Operator is usually located, nobody knows why or how- but assumption is because the people of Brazil became so aware of him he couldn't infect anymore people, he had to go somewhere else to find new victims who hadn't even heard of him.
So what better then in North America in Alabama, in a park nobody would suspects an old parasite to be residing.
In a park where nobody from a movie-in-the-making could even assume something was wrong.
(OH YEAH, DIRECT LINK IN INTO MARBLE HORNETS BABY- WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPINESS?! 🗣️🗣️‼️‼️)
He's a parasite that could roam between woods at will, especially the inner depths- but he just generally prefers RossWood Park because there's always a bunch of prey there waiting to be infected, and also because he generally has the most amount of "influence" there with all of his "hosts"/ "influenced" there.
If he's not seen in Alabama, he's usually seen in Maine for their looming forests that stretch out miles long.
"A drop of blood .
A twinge of thyme .
A charcoal feather .
A circle with an X .
And a sin to confess ,
All these lead us to an eternal abyss .
No eyes, always watching .
Can't run, can't hide, and can't scream,
Or else It'll take you . "
LAST WORDS OF REDACTED, DIED ON DECEMBER 15TH, 1897.
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I rlly am just. not good at anything huh
#dont rbbb#this isnt like an 'oh woe is me' post either im not looking for sympathy its just. a fact#liike. idk. i cannot think of one distinct thing that ppl are like 'oh youre so good at [insert thing]' like i just. dont have that#i cant even! fuckin get christmas presnets for anyone im bad at that too! fuck!#imposter syndrome is one HELL of a drug huh. i cant do shit#fuckin. sus.#amirite. am i hip w the kids yet#not good at. art. not good at writing. not good at. existing. im not even good at Looking Pretty. not good at passing. not good at.#buying presents. playinh video games. driving. being funny. being a good friend. being a good daughter#i cant even. celebrate my fucking graduation right. i fucked up and made everyone feel awkward and bad about it#bad at. asking for things. bad at. idk. everything#liek . theres nothing. all i can do is just fuckign. lay here and take up space and time and money and be useless.#i cant even enjoy things right bc i have awful taste in everything according to the rest of the world#only thing i have going for me is like. fish facts but that doesnt even count cause half the time im just.#regurgitating facts from google#so its not even Me doing anything#im just ! garbage! why am i here! nothing fucking matters!
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Imagine if the suitors went to the beach for a whole day in the modern world...what crazy crap do you think will happen
Here are a handful of crazy and/or cute headcanons that came to mind! :D
-Mozart swatting away seagulls because HE IS TRYING TO EAT IN PEACE
-Jeanne watching him, MC offering him two water guns with a silent nod (sunglasses on, we’re going full meme)
-Jeanne then proceeds to shoot at them (no gulls were harmed in making of this promotional video) and his aim is impeccable it would be disturbing if the thwarted squawking wasn’t so funny
-Little kids start swarming around Jeanne asking how he’s so amazing and wanting to play team battles, inviting him to join
-Napoleon encourages him, and even Mozart joins in despite not liking getting wet very much (he wants Jeanne to have some positive fun times bc he BIIIIIIIG depressy)
-In the end they both admit to having fun, and one of the kids even teaches Jeanne a special ten step handshake (Jeanne has no idea what that was but the kiddo was smiling so he figured he’d go with it)
-HE AND MOZART STILL SECRETLY USE THE HANDSHAKE FOR FUNSIES BUT TELL NO ONE BECAUSE THEY DON’T LIKE F U N DON’T LOOK AT THEM
-Dazai, alternatively, gathers the fallen gull army and becomes their god with a singular cylinder of Pringles. No I will not elaborate--THE SEA GULLS GOT HER!!!!!!!!
-Spends most of the beach day wetting his feet in the tide pools and talking very earnestly to the gulls about this new thing he learned about called tax evasion while people pass by this fucker in full kimono at the beach and are convinced he’s lost it
-Dazai is very much not sane but we knew this already, offers sea shells to little kids that ask him what he’s doing and tells them to listen to the secrets bird friends can tell them
-If Dazai sounds like an Animal Crossing Villager, that was entirely by accident but remains no less true
-Surprising absolutely no one, Arthur suggests volley ball after watching people play and invites some pretty ladies to join him
-Arthur ends up needing two more people to play, so he invites Vincent and Theo (Vincent is so excited about trying something new that Theo can’t say no despite wanting to make a volleyball-shaped crater in Arthur’s face)
-The funniest part about the volleyball game is that not only is Arthur a shit player (CANON WEAK ARMS FOOL) Theo destroys with his spikes, and Vincent’s reach is insane--the two brothers end up becoming the talk of the beach
-I just laugh imagining Vincent sincerely complimenting people around him and the ladies swooning because he’s just so nice and pretty is he even real
-Men aren’t happy about that^TM but at the sight of Theo’s defensive glower they keep their malicious traps shut--which turn on whichever girls weren’t interested in Vincent jahkslgjh
-**Kaguyasama narrator voice** Today on Arthur Shenanigans: Arthur loses
-Poor Isaac is hiding under the umbrella clutching sunscreen bc HE IS A PASTY BOY HELP HIM
-MC brought a few of the newest Maths/Physics books in her time for him to read, and while he doesn’t enjoy the intensity of the sun--not like vamp weakness, it’s just the strain on his body (too many stimuli too many people too much noise) that makes him tired and ultimately thirsty bc aberrant. But the change of scenery's not so bad.......
-MC laughs when she gets out of the water and the salt dries visibly on her skin, Isaac’s eyes bug out and he asks if it hurts (startles when Leo flicks sea water at him and asks how on earth they got in the water when it’s so cold!!!)
-Leo chats with him and he likes being able to draw theorems and the like in the sand, it’s like one big chalkboard (until a kid tramples across them in the middle of writing, POPPYCOCK!). Isaac ultimately has fun but prefers to stay inside poor bub
-Leonardo, surprising no one, falls asleep in the sand the second he gets there HE IS HOME (Italian beaches, amirite)
-MC decides to, after a point, bury him fully in the sand for shits
-Comte notices and aids in her shenanigans from his beach chair, snickering the whole time
-When the two are satisfied they go for a swim together, trusting Leo to look after Isaac if need be (even if he’s a mummy rn)
-Comte is relieved to hear that she knows how to swim, but also watches carefully and doesn’t let her drift out too far by keeping closer to the shore himself (riptides!!!! can be!!!!!!! dangerous!!!!!!!!!!) if he had his way (he would never impose but he worries ;-;) she’d be wearing floaties SAFETY FIRST
-They splash at each other like maniacs and chat amiably until they start swimming away as fast as possible when Leo wakes up, laughing
-How do we know that Leo woke up?
-Because he sat up ramrod straight and a tower of sand fell. He then proceeded to jump up and sprint to the water despite Isaac’s startled cries about being careful, and swam after them like a shark to get his revenge (it was like something out of an anime s2g)
-Mostly just tugs on MC’s leg, picks her up in the water, and yeets her across in retaliation; really harmless, she’s cackling the whole time
-Dunks Comte’s head in the water while he’s being scolded, and MC has to de-escalate their increasingly dangerous shenanigans before the life guard comes after them LMFAO
-They concede only bc MC looks sad/worried abt being kicked out, and agree to keep things fun FIGHT TO THE DEATH LATER TONIGHT
-Napoleon goes for a nice long walk along the shoreline and climbs the rocks if he finds any til he gets to the top (he does not go to his happy place HE GOES TO HIS HIGH LONESOME PLACE) wishes that Jupiter could be here to enjoy the brine
-Our boy Napoleon is simply just vibin he loves the beach. A little further off the sound of people is p muted, it’s just the crashing waves and crisp smell of salt, the light breeze ruffling his hair
-Sebas is absolutely watching through binoculars and writing down how majestic Napoleon is while making sure no one gets lost/wrecked as he takes notes
Bonus: since volleyball games can often happen back to back on a sizable beach, the boys^TM were playing and Arthur called out “Theo duck!!!!” and just as Theo was saying “Are you fucking kidding me did you really think I’d--T H W A C K” Theo gets nailed in the back of the head (Arthur later died after being put in a headlock)
Shakespeare didn’t feel like playing volley ball and didn’t have much else to do (can’t swim and has no interest), so he just sat back and tried to throw Theo off his game as much as possible
Por ejemplo: Theo misses a serve and Shakespeare just “For never was there a story of more woe; O bard Alexa, verily, play us Despacito” “SHUT THE FUCK UP”
Jeanne also gets hit by a stray volley ball, but when Vincent said “Oh no, Jeanne, duck!” he has one of either two reactions: 1. Boulevard of Broken Dreams plays obnoxiously loud as he dodges inhumanly fast 2. he quacks, gets nailed, and doesn’t react because he doesn’t have any brain cells to damage
#asks#ikevamp headcanons#ikevamp#ikemen vampire#ikevamp napoleon#ikevamp mozart#ikevamp leonardo#ikevamp arthur#ikevamp vincent#ikevamp theo#ikevamp dazai#ikevamp isaac#ikevamp comte#ikevamp saint germain#ikevamp sebastian#ikevamp jeanne#ikevamp jean#ikevamp shakespeare#rambles#BEACH DAAAAAAY#man i love the beach corona is killing me smalls#i miss the saaaaaaand#i miss the wooooooooter#i miss the roooockkskskskskks#alas#(omg what if I was the brainwashed sea gull all along????? **insert surprised pikachu meme**)#but i hope you enjoyed my humble offering of nonsense!!!!#i hope you are doing well fren <3
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When season 4 of Lucifer came out, I was about to go up to the mountains for 3 days. With spotty WiFi at best. I finished all 10 episodes 4 hours before I was supposed to leave. Watching it on my phone, I knew I was going to miss some details of the show. It felt like I couldn't read Chloe too well for the first few episodes. Then I saw it again on a larger TV, and I swear her eyebrows and forehead barely budged. My brother and I were very concerned. Now I need to rewatch everything. Woe is me.
I mean, I’m on my third rewatch, and I’ve watched some episodes four or five times, and some axe scenes 200,000 times, so ... enjoy it. It’s worth rewatching on a screen big enough to see emotions---because they’re definitely there.
But here’s some real talk. And it’s not just directed at you; in fact, I’m not sure you meant to sound as dismissive as you did. It’s just ... you’ve complained to the wrong person about the things actresses do to keep working in a system that despises and even vilifies age. I’ve seen Chloe (or, rather, Lauren) and her eyebrows and her forehead mentioned before, and I think people lack a basic understanding of how Hollywood works.
It sucks, okay? It really fucking sucks. I have a BFA in acting. I loved acting. I was, if I may be so bold, a pretty great actor. One of the reasons I don’t act professionally is because getting jobs in acting---especially in the Hollywood-driven environment---fucking sucks. Getting acting jobs as a woman? Good fucking luck. Hope you like playing the lottery!
Because Hollywood is obsessed with youth and beauty. They are obsessed with selling a dream of young, beautiful people doing things as only young, beautiful people can do them. Day in and day out, amazing actresses, trained actresses, super fucking talented actresses walk into audition rooms and are judged by their appearance before they open their mouths. Before they speak. Before they read their sides or perform their monologues. And if someone behind that table decides you’re too fat, too thin, too blonde, not blonde enough, too busty, not busty enough, not ‘what they were picturing,’ or any number of other purely appearance-based judgments---you’re not going to get the job. It has nothing to do with training or skills or talent or ability. It’s what you look like. I know a talented actress who was once sent out of an audition before she even spoke because she would “never be cast as a leading lady; I don’t know why your agent put you up for this.” She doesn’t act anymore, either. Weird.
I would rather get 100,000 rejection letters on writing submissions; at least they’re judging my work and not whether my teeth are perfectly straight or whether I can squeeze myself into a size 2---because God forbid a woman has a hint of flesh on her bones (except boobs, obviously! Boobs are allowed!).
Men are allowed to age in Hollywood. Men are allowed to be overweight (they will still have thin, young, beautiful wives and girlfriends). Men are allowed to deviate from “beauty,” especially as they age. Men are allowed to exist outside the “love interest” “parent” “grandparent” roles women get pushed into.
Have you ever noticed that Tom Ellis is allowed to have crows feet and lines on his brow? I have. When men age in Hollywood, it gives them ‘character.’ When women age in Hollywood, they stop getting work. Or they get Botox. Because they want to keep working. To keep working, they have to trick casting directors into thinking they’re eternally young and fresh and beautiful. (And yes, obviously, some women manage to have long-lasting careers. But for every Meryl Streep, there are dozens of actresses who once held principal roles that no longer get work.)
It’s bullshit. The more experience a woman gets, the less “saleable” she is. Think about some prominent male actors who’ve had long Hollywood careers. Now, go look at IMDB. Look at some of their early films. Who were the women (let’s be real, who was the woman, probably the love interest) in those films? Are any of them still working regularly? Are their names as household as Marlon Brando or Al Pacino or Tom Hanks or Tom Cruise or Jack Nicholson? Then, just for fun, take any of these household name male actors and look at the age of the actresses who’ve played their last few love interests.
And let’s not even start on how unbalanced the lines-spoken numbers are between men and women. Let’s not talk about how almost every bloody time there’s a team or group or whatever, you get one woman for every four or five or six men. Ha, ha, token female, amirite?
(I also want to note that, generally speaking, British film and TV approaches casting quite differently. A lot of not-traditionally-Hollywood-beautiful people come up through the British system because they far more frequently cast based on talent.)
Part of the reason I love Lucifer and support it so passionately is that it’s full of amazing female characters played by amazing female actors who are not in their early 20s-but-pretending-to-be-35. All of these women are unique. They have different voices, different arcs (not dependent on men), different agency, different goals, different hopes and dreams. Yes, they’re all very thin and very beautiful---it’s still Hollywood, and change isn’t going to happen overnight.
So, when I see a talented, beautiful actress who’s obviously had some Botox or some work done, I don’t criticize her. I sure as shit don’t judge her. I know she fucking loves her job and she’s doing everything she can to keep working. I know she lives every single day of her life fearing the inevitability of age. I know she is scrutinized and judged and found worthy or lacking first on appearance, and only then on skill. I know she probably fights like hell with her self-esteem, because how can you not when so much of your life and livelihood depends on outside validation based on frigging appearance? She deserves our support; she deserves better than being treated like a prize show animal. She’s stronger than I was. Stronger than most of us, I think.
Besides, and specifically, Lauren’s emotive as hell. Her forehead may be pretty smooth, but she’s not frozen. She’s not expressionless. She may not be quite as facile as Tom with the microexpressions, but she holds her own. And, as an aside, I think her acting as Chloe is amazing in those first few episodes. She’s playing like, three different layers of stuff going on. You’re not supposed to ‘read her well’---like Lucifer, you’re supposed to recognize that something’s weird with her, but you can’t put your finger on what, and meanwhile she’s presenting ‘business as usual’ 24/7. I don’t know what to tell you. It was great.
#asks and answers#Anonymous#on acting#lucifer on netflix#you accidentally backed right into one of my buttons sorry#but stuff like this needs to be said#because the system is awful#and it's not on the actresses#they're doing what they can to survive#lauren german#chloe decker#support women 2k19#long text post
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Thoughts on Song For Spider-Man
Remember that Song of Spider-Man book I bought a while back? The tell-all book by the co-writer of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark? The one that I hoped would be what I’ve wanted since news of that play’s disastrous production started - i.e. an in depth explanation and analysis of the production, detailing every creative decision and disastrous misstep?
Well, it’s not quite that, unfortunately. It’s more of a new piece of the Turn Off the Dark puzzle, rather than completed puzzle that I’ve been looking for. The world has yet to produce the exhaustive documentary on that musical that I crave. But as puzzle pieces go, it is a fairly large and enlightening one, albeit one that’s also deeply biased. It’s the story of a disaster from the perspective of one of the key players in that disaster, and, as you’d expect, is full of “this wasn’t my fault!” explanations and pleas of ignorance. I don’t know how much you can trust the narrative, even though (and honestly, because) it’s an enthralling and emotionally gripping read.
The biggest disappointment about the book for me is that it doesn’t go very deep into the creative journey of the musical, which is the aspect I’m most interested in. Instead it focuses more on the managerial aspects of it, which is admittedly where the drama is. There’s money woes, conflicts of personality, miscommunication, backstabbing, and negligence that leads to a lot of good people getting hurt - the juicy gossipy shit that drew most people in. As trainwrecks go it’s pretty compelling stuff, and the author uses the benefit of hindsight to foreshadow eventual dooms well in advance.
It’s a fun read and sheds some light on how that infamously troubled production became “a machine that teaches humility,” but it’s not the whole story, and as such my lust for the ultimate Turn off the Dark autopsy remains unsated.
Some scattered notes:
Julie Taymor was really only in this to tell the story of Arachne, and in fact was only sold on the idea when one of the producers showed her a page of a Spider-Man comic that mentioned the myth. The Arachne character and plotline was what ultimately got Julie fired, because not only did it shift focus from Spider-Man to an obscure Greek mythological character, but it also was built upon the musical’s worst songs AND required the most complicated set piece that no one could figure out how to accomplish, and yet Julie refused to let it go.
Incidentally, I’m nerdy enough to recognize from the brief description given in this book which Spider-Man comic the Arachne reference came from. It was Ultimate Spider-Man #1, and is made by Norman Osborn, who in the context of that comic is presented as a pretentious ass who uses bullshit philosophy to cover up his delusions of grandeur. There’s a bit of irony here is what I’m saying.
Another “oh god I AM a nerd” moment the book made me have: the writer claims that Green Goblin has used his goblin glider since his first appearance, but, um, ACTUALLY Green Goblin used a flying broomstick in his first few outings, and didn’t get the goblin glider until later. I remember this fact because it was in the Complete Guide to Spider-Man book I got when I was thirteen, and because the picture of the Green Goblin riding a mechanical jet-powered broomstick was delightfully stupid.
The above two facts are why I desperately want to know more about the creative process of this play - on the one hand, it has some obscure elements of the Spider-Man comics in it, like Swarm, the nazi-made-out-of-bees supervillain. On the other, it fucks up key aspects of the story, like having Uncle Ben get killed in a car crash that has nothing to do with Peter Parker whatsoever.
One of the things I gleaned was that most of the people involved - Julie Taymor, Bono, and the Edge specifically - seemed far more familiar withe the Sam Raimi movies than the comics, and also seemed more interested in their vague notion of what a superhero means rather than any actual pre-existing superhero story. There’s an air of condescension towards the source material, but I’m not sure how much of that is my own biased assumptions at work, the author’s definite bias, or an actually true analysis of the creative team. Again, I want a deeper look at what they were thinking!
One part of the creative process that was explained in an illuminating way regarded the music. Apparently, part of Bono’s process in songwriting involves him writing lyrics in “Bonoglese,” where the lyrics are just random words and Seussian things that sound vaguely like words but are actually nonsense, all mixed together in a way that does make a coherent thought at all. This explains why the lyrics in Turn Off the Dark’s songs are either instantly forgettable (and by that I mean you forget what the words were literally one second after they are sung) or, when memorable, are just... really bad, forced attempts at rhymes.
At one point Julie, Bono, the Edge, and the other writer agreed that they weren’t trying to make a musical so much as a “rock and roll circus experience,” which, y’know, is accurate.
The guy they got to replace Julie as director was actually FROM a circus. That’s not a joke, he literally directed a bunch of different circus shows, including ones with live animals and shit. So in some way an aspect of the original artistic vision remained.
As much as I love to make fun of this horrible show, reading the book did inspire some compassion in me. These people were all passionately dedicated to a very grand artistic vision, and they accomplished a lot of stuff that has never been tried in theater before. While a lot of horrible failures occurred, the amount of stuff they got right is still pretty notable, and a part of me wished they could find a way to make it work.
I felt especially bad when the book gets to the initial fan-reaction early in the musical’s production process, where I realized that the fan’s initial criticisms of the musical’s concepts did look kind of shallow and petty. I felt like a bit of a jerk for a moment.
Then another part of me remembered that the one song Julie Taymor refused to cut, comparing the demand for its excision to having a mastectomy, was the song where Arachne tells her minions to go buy her hundreds of shoes so she can seduce Peter Parker, because lol women love shoe shopping and if they had eight legs they’d love it even more AMIRITE? So, y’know, guilt rescinded, we were right to be skeptical.
That said, I am legitimately pissed that the producers adamantly refused to tape a single recording of the first version of Turn Off the Dark, aka Spider-Man 1.0, aka Julie Taymor’s (approximate) vision. Julie herself begged them to do so before and after she was fired and they didn’t listen and that sucks. I mean, it sounds like a trainwreck of a show, but it’s a trainwreck that’s BROADWAY HISTORY. It should be preserved! It belongs in a museum!
The tell-all book draws an obvious parallel between the relationship of Arachne (the brilliant and misunderstood but also megalomaniacal and controlling artist) and Spider-Man (the geeky young man who suddenly has great power and responsibility thrust onto him by the aforementioned older female artist, who he also has the hots for) and the relationship of Julie Taymor and himself. It’s pretty clever but also, like, a huge dick move since it implies Julie Taymor is a tragic villain that the author was forced to destroy just like Spider-Man is forced to destroy Arachne. Good writing, sure, but fucked up man.
“Spider-Man was not a musical, but rather a machine built to teach humility.” A fuckin’ excellent description, even if the account of that machine’s creation is pretty heavily biased.
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Just general woes
I had more trouble than average breathing at work today and my coworkers seemed to agree with me. Over three hours later, after generally relaxing and having as much dinner as I honestly had the energy to eat, I'm still having trouble--and the lowest O2 readings I've had for days.
After days of calling our landlord's cat the name of the cat in Oregon, for no fucking reason; my "friend" in Oregon messaged me using "his cat's" Facebook to offer me money. I don't fucking want to relive that trauma/misadventure tonight, but my partner did. I just don't have the energy or desire to stress out.
It does bother me to hear from my partner that his mother drove almost an hour, one way. For soup. On freaking Mother's Day. During a health crisis. So my partner's youngest sibling........... could have soup. From a particular, not even good, restaurant. I'm so annoyed and irritated. The soup wasn't even for my partner's mother.
Also, I must be getting old. First, a grocery store associate just gave me a rose and wished me Happy Mother's Day. And then, a customer when I was on the register wished me a Happy Mother's Day, and then kinda tried to walk it back with "whether you are or..." Whaaaaaaaa.........
THEN, the piéce de my day, my own freaking partner bought a box of pregnancy tests. While I was on register!!!
Oh, and, sorry, not that it's particularly your business but DAYUM. He's got some serious, for real, gonna need some Selsun. Dandruff. I haven't seen dandruff that bad since my brother's shoulders were often dusted. Boys, amirite.
And. And. And.
Our landlord's friend's cat got upstairs and our landlord's cat was not pleased. I would've been fine with both being up here, but I'll be damned if they're going to fucking fight up here. Not after we were accused of pulling out our landlord's cat's hair.
I need absolute peace and privacy before I'm going to get up the courage to pee on a stick. I need time to hide the evidence either way 🙈 I kinda don't wanna know?? But I also don't wanna be caught with my pants down?????
Today even started weird.
I woke up out of nowhere at four in the morning, with a headache that started last night. I thought it would go away on its own. Then I proceeded to dream about planning a spring break in France, for a week, maybe two, with enough money for a month and as the date kept drawing nearer and the health crisis kept not receding, I became increasingly uncertain about whether I should even go, or if I could put the money away for later.
After I managed, around eight, to gulp down some pretzels and take some excedrin, I had a Fringe-inspired dream that somehow the placenta was inside a newborn that was not mine, and had to be removed because the newborn's life was in danger. My partner would rather we were watching Twelve Monkeys, but I just can't right now.
Sooooooooooooo yeah idk.
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Sometimes I wish I had someone I could talk to about all this woe that clouds my thoughts. Someone who understands my struggle but was able to break through and come out unshaken.
That someone could help shed light on what is best for myself rather than for them. This whole double perspective is so damaging to my psyche that.. it’s so hard to discern what’s the right way to ‘do life right’. Cause both options are quite extreme.
I’ve reached the point where I stooped to the level of.. complacency.. that I let my mom take pictures of me to send to a complete stranger. I swore from the first proposal my cousin got, I was never going to put myself in that bedrock-level of stupidity.. and yet, here we are. My shortened bio data and pictures sent to some kid in D.C. ..simply cause my parents are desperate to give me away..
This is why I actually vibed with the live action Mulan. It wasn’t amazing but the point that drove me was how much fucking emphasis was placed on how the daughter is only born to be married.. to bring honor to their family, this is the only stupid option. Seeing how the young Mulan was just.. brought to tears cause her true self was just forced into a mental cage.. never to be seen again. Ugh, I could just weep.
I saw myself in that young child but I’m in my mid-20s.. younger me didn’t know what life was capable of. Younger me was oblivious to literally everything, perhaps that’s why I’ve forgotten majority of my childhood.. how simple times were..
I hate feeling like a disappointment.. but I’m so scared of what could happen if I were to just drop everything and leave.. there is no ties holding me down.. there is no chains that should keep me in this cycle of mental torment .. day in and day out.. but that double perspective.. family over everything, amirite? Sigh.
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*scroll past this if u dnt wanna read me having a mental breakdown over a show*
i’ve been putting off watching the finale all week cuz i feel like im bouta get wrecked but im about to watch it rn and im literally so nervous omg here we go iM STRESSED
yall Rara in a choker hell yuh but also screw lex luthor step tf off man
yall she hesitated when she saw that pic of eliza right? cuZ SHES GOOD AND DESERVES BETTER
omg eve chill tf out
man, u can nvr trust white men as presidents
wow this is so dramatic w My Way fcking playing like this wow iM STRESSED
lex in the lexosuit....*intense eye roll*
hey yall think lex has a “take over the world” playlist playing in the suit
yall if Rara dont get some good that she deserves im FIGHTING yall she dont deserve this ;—; i know she fcking hates america and all buT IS SHE WRONG
theres so much happening wow im guessing a lot of things are gonna be left hanging by the end of this episode huh
omg Kara did basically die yall
im sO HAPPY ALEX REMEMBERS NOW ;—;
wow someone throw Lex into the sun, he made Red Daughter cry but also someone teach her how to Google
dude can ben lockwood just disintegrate already.
omg my bby nia proTECT HER AT ALL COSTS
wait fcKING PAUSE because: Lena Luthor in a Blue Suit™️ (fuq me up)
oh lena always worried about kara 😢
im so stRESSED ALL THE LUTHORS IN A ROOM AAAAAAHHHHHHHH
brenda and katie are truly some stunning people
wow i rlly wanna see lena punch someone (lex)
he just fcking quoted Hitler
aaYYYEE LILLIAN STAY ON THE WINNING TEAM
george washington in the background of this shot is SENDING me
ALIEN RIOT WOOOO
how TF does jesse rath make wheezing onto glass hilarious
Nia done w his rebooted ass
hell yuh to that lena luthor death glare God bless you miss mcgrath
hAHAAAA YEAH KARA’S ARTICLE COMING IN CLUTCH SUCK AN EGG LEX
yall i forget that kara’s mother is literally alive along w Argo i wish they talked about it more somehow
at this point Ben Lockwood is the equivalent of a fcking pimple or whatever, a little annoying thing full of puss and i just wanna POP HIS LITTLE HEAD OFF
damn rebooted brainy rlly ticked nia off
papa j’onn omg pls dont die, sir ;—;
omg wAIT IM SHOOK YES LENA WOOOOOO GRAB THAT GUN AND PUNCH HER
and then lillian casually pepper spraying the goons ugh we love the luthor women
(we already know lillan gonna manipulate lena tho at some point tho right? amirite? or is it gonna be a complete 180 turn)
oh my gosh yes supergirl’s boot on ben lockwood is my aesthetic
kara when lex asks how she’s still alive: im a bAD BITCH you cAnt kILL ME but also grass
omg bITCH the other suit is built into her other suit thats some bad bitch moves right there
“you can thank your sister for this” hell yea lets all thank lena luthor #appreciatelenaluthor2k19
omg cmon brainy, fcking rereboot so u can emotionally support your badass girlfriend
omg im so glad he got rerebooted i thought this was gonna last til the nxt season
wow brainy is so supportive protect this nerd at all costs ;—; his ass said astazing and i love you
oh fck yea rock music fighting scene montage this appeals SPECIFICALLY to me
yES RARA FIGHT HIM FIIIIGHT HIIIIIIM
oh. T—T
oh wAIT SHES GETTING SUPERCHARGED AHAAAAH
holy shit this dude just exploded
oh nvm ofc this dude wont die
oh sHIT
oh SHIT
LENA JUST SHOT THE DUDE
Oh
oh damn
can i get uh uhmmm....onE THERAPIST FOR LENA LUTHOR AS SHE LIVES W THE TRAUMA OF KILLING HER OWN BROTHER
omg omg wait no no omg wait
wait omg pause
its happenening jsnt it
omg wait qait wait i caNt im not ready
im having PALPITATIONS
oh my FUCK
oh. my God.
we all saw this coming but. that was way worse than I could have ever imagined.
my HEART
i need a drink
pour one out for supercorp
it was nice while she lasted
peace THE FUCK out
hahaaah kara happy now but we all know its a fcking illusion
was anyone happy at this point cuz all i am rn is full of DREAD
Dolsen (is that the ship name) fcking RISE
ok waiT Brainia rise too ;—;
im still stressed but theyre all cute af
im STRESSED.
omg lena’s at game night.
im sinking in my seat i CANT watch
so kara and lena as game night partners is canon
too bad its been TAINTED
someone pls help lena my GOD
KARA COME FCKING CLEAN ALREADY UHG MAY AS FCKING WELL
“Not tonight.” or EVER APPARENTLY AT THIS POINT
all right george thats my boy
omg more of miss eve nxt season
wtf is LEVIATHAN IM ALREADY STRESSED
omg this dude gon be in the crossover
omg WHO TF DONT COME FOR PAPA J’ONN
oh no lena honey drinking her woes away someone get this woman a glass of one therapy session with a squeeze of the truth from kara
oh FUCK welp if that picture frame aint fcking foreshadowing the nxt season then idk what will
in conclusion: this finale stressed me tf out. goodbye. i’m sleeping for 30 years.
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Some thoughts, minus the penny for them:
I just needed to put this somewhere. I wanted to write down my feelings about Valentine’s Day, now that the day has passed.
I... generally do not have a good day on Valentine’s. I’ve never had a Valentine, never even a relationship (much less one on Valentine’s Day), but I’ll spare you the sob story in that regard. I generally have a policy of keeping off of social media on Valentine’s, and not really talking to anyone IRL if I can avoid it. It’s not because I’m trying to have a bad day; it’s more that I don’t want to accidentally spoil someone’s good day by being all sad and mopey on what is a happy day for lots of people. I’m not usually overtly sad and mopey on Valentine’s, but on the off-chance I’m being that way, I don’t want it to ruin someone else’s day.
I tried something a little different today. I maintained more of a social media presence, but I tried to be a little funnier instead of sad. I posted (what I thought were) some funny Valentine’s poems on both of my main social media accounts late last night, trying to give myself less of a negative outlook for the day. I tried at school to focus on my work instead of thinking about things that make me sad. It generally worked. So it was pretty okay.
But the thing is, what always gets me on Valentine’s, still did today. I really, really like affection. I like being told I’m loved. I like hugs. I like cuddles. I’ve had so little of that over the past many years, and Valentine’s only reminds me of that fact. I know I’m loved, and I have some wonderful friends in my life. But sometimes I just wish I had a person I could sit next to and lean my head on their shoulder... and Valentine’s reminds me that I don’t.
So I do my best to not be an overt mopey sad-sack every Valentine’s Day. And I’m usually pretty successful, because honestly, I’m not like... crying or anything over it. I’m not lost in sadness. I’m just... not in a good mood. So, I apologize if I came off as mopey in any posts today or in any conversations. I promise I’m not the “oh I don’t have a girlfriend, woe is me, fuck Valentine’s Day, Singles Awareness Day amirite” type, and if I ever come off that way I want someone to smack me.
I guess I’m writing this because I had a tough time distracting myself today, outside of school. I think it’s because I’m coming off a weekend where I was in a bad place, and basically spent the whole thing just staring at my ceiling and thinking negative things about myself and my life. I hadn’t had one of those in a long while, so having one immediately before Valentine’s Day really kinda sucked, and didn’t help me do better today.
But, it’s over, we’re done, I’m sitting down with a book and a cup of Earl Grey, and we’re gonna work on having a better rest of the week. Plus, Anime Milwaukee is this weekend, and I’m sure that’s gonna be good fun.
So anyway... that’s all. As I said in an earlier post, I hope all y’all had a lovely Valentine’s Day. If, for some crazy reason, you actually read this entire post... well, I love you. Even if I never know that you read it, I still love you.
#just some Valentine-y thoughts#one of my rare actual blog-style posts#please don't reblog this#this is v personal#personal#rant
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