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#why do I have to have such a mental block around this episode

slttygeto · 6 months

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HEART TO HEART : GOJO SATORU

what is heart to heart? a show in which we bring two people who have history together to ask them a couple of interesting, heartbreaking questions.

today's episode: 27 year old Gojo Satoru broke up with his girlfriend 4 years ago, yet he cannot move on. does she feel the same? and does a person really not move on even after four years?

note: i started this…without a second thought. i dont know where its going or if its gonna do well. but i enjoyed it very much

a cold room, a white set, two chairs and a table—satoru gojo knew that the point of this very simple and minimalistic set was to make him feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, but a tiny vase would’ve been appreciated.

“why did you two break up?”

the ivory haired man leans back in his chair with a dry chuckle, fingers drumming along the surface of the wooden table.

“I was insecure,” he admits rather bitterly. “I just had a lot of things to work on, and letting go of her seemed like the right thing to do.”

“do you miss her?”

“oh, absolutely,” there’s a smile on his face when he says that, and sits up straight with his hands clasped together (an indicator that he was most likely anxious to be asked such vulnerable question). he goes on to squeeze his hands a bit and his lips are sealed shut for a bit before opening them again. “I thought to myself that I wouldn’t find love for a while after her—but it’s been four years, and I cannot get myself to move on.”

“has she moved on?”

“maybe? I’m not sure,” he lets out a nervous laugh and looks away from the camera before holding his head in his hands, there was a mental battle going on inside his head—before he finally decides to speak again. “I actually stalked her instagram account last week through a mutual friend and… I didn’t see a man on any of the pictures. she could just be super private.”

“was she private about being with you?”

“she would post pictures here and there, we didn’t like to keep our relationship a secret.”

gojo is handed a blindfold and he neatly wraps it around his eyes and waits, heart thumping loudly in his chest.

when you were asked by a friend if you would do this interview, a part of you was a bit hesitant just because you weren’t sure if you wanted to air out your love life like this and have to deal with the consequences of a potential future lover being upset about it—but when you were told that it was gojo satoru, your ex-boyfriend whom you dated for 3 years and were planning on building a future with—that is until it abruptly ended with no warnings whatsoever. perhaps you ignored the tornado warnings? were there even any to begin with? you will never know because you blocked him everywhere on social media. from instagram to his phone number. you couldn’t deal with the fact that he existed around you, near you yet you couldn’t have him.

four long years of not having seen him took a toll on your heart, as it sure gets excited the moment you spot white strands on top of a head that is laid out on the table. his sense of style is still so casual and laid back, but not in a cocky way. satoru has always been about feeling comfortable in your clothes but you notice his tense shoulders and his foot tapping and can immediately tell that he is anxious.

you silently pull the chair back facing him and he lifts his head off of the table. your hands rest on top of the surface and the producer finally asks gojo to take off the blindfold.

when he does and you two lock eyes, you both start smiling big but you can’t help the little tremble to your lips before you look away from the camera to wipe a few emotional tears.

“sorry,” you whisper but your mic was able to pick it up. almost on instinct, satoru reaches towards you and squeezes your arm reassuringly.

“when was the last time you spoke to one another?”

“four years ago.” you are the one to answer the questions now and you keep avoiding satoru’s big blue eyes.

“was it hard having to walk away from a long term relationship?”

“It’s always hard when you thought there was a connection,” your emphasis on the word “thought” makes gojo look down at his lap almost in shame. he had no time to explain himself or what he did, yet he couldn’t help but feel that this interview was going to be like a second chance to explain himself and perhaps give a proper apology.

“you had no closure?”

“nope.” you both answer at the same time and it feels as though feelings of resentment are starting to resurface as your demeanor grows cold around him and you pull your hands away from the table.

“why do you think you broke up?”

“you said you couldn’t really see us together anymore,” you were now speaking to satoru directly and he gladly took the heat of your words. “you said…that us being together was just a waste of time and that one of us has to walk away,” you were clearly hurt by his words, even four years later. the breakup took a toll on you both physically and emotionally. you were incapable of going on dates for a painfully long period of time that your friends had to drag you outside to meet some potential new partners—but none of them felt like satoru. you resented him for crawling into your heart and finding a safe space there, for settling down and building a warm house inside only to tear it down and leave as quickly as he came.

“I wasn’t… sure what I wanted to do at the time, I was confused about my future,” satoru admits for the first time ever. “I thought it was so unfair to drag you down that hole with me when it was so clear to you that you had a plan in mind—a secure one so I just-“

“left.” you finish the sentence for him and he lets out a pained laugh.

“yeah, I left. and when I realized that you had blocked me, I knew that there was no going back and that I actually did it. yknow, like, it wasn’t this bad dream where I would wake up and you were still beside me—you were actually gone, I made you leave.”

there was a long silence after this and you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him, not after that confession.

“did you miss me?” gojo takes the initiative to ask this question instead of the producer but they don’t complain, watching carefully as you look back at your ex partner.

“I did,” you say again in a whisper, almost scared that you coming to terms with this horrible realization was going to hurt you further.

“do you think that…we could’ve worked out had I been honest at the time?”

“satoru, I would’ve never left you as easily as you did,” you knew that it wasn’t easy for him, but you want him to know that your love for him was bigger than he ever thought.

“would you like to try again?”

you two stare at each other for a bit and you sneak your hand towards his huge palm, resting your index finger there and tracing soft circles.

“yeah… I want to. do you?” you look up at him through your eyelashes and gojo’s heart feels as though it is about to burst.

“I would love to.”

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#moon's works #jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru #gojo satoru x reader #gojo x reader #jjk gojo #jjk gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen gojo

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httpsserene · 6 months

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𝖍𝖙𝖙𝖕𝖘𝖘𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖓𝖊’𝖘 1𝖐 𝖘𝖕𝖊𝖈𝖎𝖆𝖑 - 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖈𝖐 𝖑𝖎𝖒𝖎𝖙𝖘

𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐝𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐫: 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐭𝐡

summary: soiled, virgin!reader is well aware of her boyfriends’ desire to eat her alive, sorry, to eat her out. from the way they can’t resist drinking her wetness off their (or her own) fingers, to the way they can’t stop running their mouths about getting their mouths on you: they’ve made how desperate they are, very clear. for some reason, she can’t get past her mental block to allow them to feast between her legs, or to taste what’s between theirs. max figures she just needs a demonstration to quell her fears; charles is a more than willing participant. content warning: 18+ only. explicit. no penetrative sex. corruption kink. oral sex. multiple orgasms. implied overstimulation. rimming. fingering. thigh riding. handjobs mentioned. praise kink. dom/sub undertones. coming untouched. word count: 2.6k words pairing: charles leclerc / max verstappen x fem!black!reader soundtrack: super freaky girl • nicki minaj

preface: so...have your charles craving satisfied, but having reader's astral projection from max and charles' mouth will have to wait for tomorrow in the final episode. i know, i know, i'm cruel-but tbh last chapter is all reader focused and the "oral sex" for her plays more into that chapter so get ready for the longest chapter tomorrow, it's going to be a trip me thinks.

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max might drive for a team called Red Bull, but charles is the one stubborn like a bull. he’s chronically difficult and dramatic, and incredibly headstrong—but he folds like a lawn chair after hearing and being forced to watch max finger you to orgasm for three days straight. it doesn’t help that you seem to be completely oblivious as to how the older man is using you to break the monegasque down; you’re just eager to be back experiencing pleasure after your week long ban.

charles is playing COD with the quartet, he has to mute his mic so the boys don’t pick up on your screams from the room over when max makes you cum. charles comes back from running around monaco with andrea and, max has you splayed on the kitchen island while he rabbits his finger into you. the three of you are watching cars on the tv, and charles storms off to take his third cold shower of the day when max slips his hand under your blanket. seeing the state of his surroundings, it’s obvious why he breaks on day three.

it’s odd, because he caves and apologizes when you and max aren’t doing anything remotely sexual.

the three of you have already eaten dinner, and max has been whispering in your ear the whole time before both of you clear your plates eagerly and sneak away—charles simply thought that this was max seducing you into having another round with his fingers. and putain, charles is going to have to apologize. he can admit his…wrongdoings to max if being able to touch you again is a reward, forget being allowed to cum again. it’s cruel and unusual punishment max had wordlessly instated when he doesn’t let charles touch you on top of not letting him cum. he bursts into the bedroom where you and max have closed yourselves in, expecting to see the dutchman with his hands between your legs as usual, but that’s not the case.

the two of you are sitting on the floor building a lego set. c'est quoi ce bordel (what the hell), charles may actually be going insane. max looks up at him from the floor, where you are sitting in his lap reading through the manual, with an annoying smirk—and charles is ready to drop his apology entirely. then you look at him: sweet smile spreading across your face for him, eyes brightening, and hand reaching out to pat the floor next to max for him to sit down with you. he loses his ire with the blonde and joins the two of you on the floor, humming excitedly when you show him the model for the ferrari 450, and presses a brief kiss to your cheek.

he watches as you open the first pack of lego blocks, and turns to look at max. the man’s cool blue eyes pierce his green ones, and charles feels like he already knows that his apology is imminent.

“i shouldn’t have,” the brunet pauses and licks his lips, “—shouldn’t have acted like a brat. i was being bad and i didn’t need to tease you. i’m sorry and i won’t do it again.”

the sound of you spilling the legos on the floor is comical, but charles sees how you freeze for a split second at his words, you’re processing the sexual dynamic he has with max and he’s far past being embarrassed over it. you, however, are completely new to this, and he sees how you keep your stare focused on the legos and he can imagine the blush rising to your warmed brown cheeks.

max stares unmoving at the monegasque for a few more seconds, letting the nerves build up in charles to see him squirm, “you don’t have to lie, schatje. we both know you’ll be a brat again.”

said brat flushes, and mutters indignantly but doesn’t try to refute his claim.

“i think this is the fastest you’ve apologized to me,” max ponders, his hand coming up to play with a few of your curls as he plans his next plan of action, “and you’ve been so good for me. you haven’t complained about not being able to touch our pretty girl at all.”

your hands shake and scatter lego bricks at the man mentioning you, but he continues further, “and, i think that deserves a reward. maybe we can move her along to the next step at the same time too.”

charles nods fervently.

“would you like the honor of using her mouth and eating her out for the first time, charlie?”

“merde—of course i—“

“no.”

charles and max cease their conversation immediately, and look down at you. your face has shifted into an expression they haven’t seen in a while. the look in your eyes is guarded, your hands have wrapped around your waist hugging yourself as if you need to be protected, you’re chewing at your bottom lip anxiously—it’s all the two need to see to come to the conclusion that you are scared. the younger man looks at max and let’s him take the lead.

“okay, liefje. that’s completely fine,” max reassures, dropping his hand from your hair to rub soothingly along your back, “we won’t make you do anything that you don’t want to do, remember? can you at least tell us why, baby?”

you turn around in his lap and bury your face into his neck, muffling your words in his skin. charles tuts, and rests a hand on the back of your neck to pull you away from the dutchman’s neck.

“i…’s not gonna be good. for you guys, i mean..if you use your mouth on me. you don’t get anything out of it,” charles huffs disbelievingly, and max shushes him with a look, “and—and, it’s not like i need it either—it’s useless to do it when you can just stretch me out and fuck me. girls don’t need that. and, i’ve never…done oral stuff before,” max and charles know that already, you haven’t done anything besides what they’ve shown you, “so ‘m going to suck.”

“first of all,” max starts calmly, “it sounds like you’re repeating what somebody has said to you before—is that true?”

you offer a half shrug and a slight nod as a response.

“well, whoever that was is a fucking idiot. liefje, we’ve given you our thighs and my hands and asked for nothing in return besides your orgasm. i can assure you we receive plenty of pleasure giving you pleasure. it’s not crazy of me to say that we’ll enjoy having our mouths on you more than you will,” max smiles lightly, “and—we’re well aware that we’re your firsts. we don’t mind, or hate that. we like that; we love teaching you how to please yourself and us, and you’ve been so quick at making us feel good. you didn’t suck at giving us handjobs, you just had to learn how to. there’s a learning curve, baby, and you are way ahead of it.”

you shift shyly in max’s lap, still timid and unsure of the idea of oral sex, and he thinks of a compromise, “what if i show you how good i can make you feel with my mouth? will you think about trying it out after that?”

charles looks at max in question, but the blonde is to busy staring at you for your answer to pay charles any attention.

“y-yes, i will think about it.”

the older man hums thankfully, and presses his lips to yours briefly before turning to the brunet who’s put away the lego pieces.

“charles,” max’s voice has dropped, the commanding tone slipping in seamlessly, “get on the bed.”

charles can’t recall how he ended up naked on the bed with max between his legs sucking hickeys into his neck and you by his side monopolizing his lips. he’s burning up already, sweat gathering along his hairline and his hands shaking at his side, unsure as to where to grab for purchase. you reach out and interlock your fingers with his, holding his hand sweetly as you allow him to bruise your lips in the filthiest of manners. max has just finished painting his collarbone with pretty shades of pink and red, and drops to his chest to toy with his nipples.

charles breaks away from your mouth and whines brokenly at the scratch of max’s teeth on his sensitive chest. he pushes his into and away from the older man’s mouth, unsure if he wants more or less of the overwhelming touch, and max decides for him. he continues down charles’ torso giving his chest a break and he bites, licks, nips, kisses at his defined abdomen. the monegasque has definition in places max doesn’t and he loves it. he laughs quietly at the feeling of charles’ abs jumping underneath his skin, and moves to make a mess of the man’s hip bones and v-line. he spends several minutes sucking the harshest of marks into the dip of his waist and jut of his hips, pressing over them with his thumbs just to hear charles choke and whimper at the soreness.

max shifts downwards, pulling the pretty boy’s legs apart to rest on his shoulders. he feels more than sees charles’ thighs begin to shake in anticipation—his eyes are more focused on the mouthwatering sight of charles’ cock pulsing from where it rests on his navel.

max completely avoids brushing his lips on or around charles’ painfully red, throbbing length. his tongue moves lower.

the monegasque gasps, shuddering dramatically as his eyes roll back. alarmed at his reaction, your eyes fly down to look at max, and you gasp along with charles. when max said he’d show you how good he could make you feel, you thought that meant he’d give charles a blowjob. not that he’d be eating charles out. but, who are you to complain, especially if charles looks like he’s just astrally projected onto another plane of mental enlightenment at max’s talented mouth.

the younger man’s free hand struggles downward to tug at max’s hair to make sure he stays firmly pressed against him, and charles wildly begins to roll his hips downward to try and get max’s tongue deeper. max grunts in dissent, and he splays his forearm across the burnet’s abdomen to pin his hips to the bed. you can’t tell who moans louder at max’s strength—you or charles. the dutchman makes eye contact with you from in between charles legs—you can see his jaw working furiously—and he winks at you, before he closes his eyes and devotes his full attention to charles' ass.

you need to learn how to shut up and say yes to anything max tries to get you to do—you could’ve been in the monegasque’s place right now.

charles’ cock looks painful, like it’s more of a hindrance than a pleasure at the moment. you drag your hand down his torso to wrap around his dick—but it’s knocked away by max, who pulls his head from in between charles’ legs (who cries out angrily).

“oh, he doesn’t need any help cumming,” max offers, a smirk spreading across his lips at charles’ humiliated noises, and buries himself back down.

charles really didn’t need the help, because less than thirty seconds later, he cums. it’s the prettiest sight, you’ve seen so far. charles’ orgasm should be framed in an art museum—he looks like a god, his face tightening before it loosens, muscles lax, and mouth wide open. he doesn’t moan, he cries out, in shuddering breaths like he’s trying to breathe but failing, the pleasure too much for him to handle. his cum sprays in waves against his abdomen, and it’s a healthy amount—is it because he hasn’t cum in a while, or is this a usual occurrence? you can’t wait to find out.

you swipe a finger to collect some of his release to taste, but max steals it—grabbing your hand and sucking it off himself with a moan. you pout, and he laughs, shimmying himself to the side to allow you space to slip between charles’ limp legs.

max wipes his mouth with the back of his hand as he pants, and says to you, “lick it off from down here—it gives him a prettier view of you.”

you whimper, but do as max says. stretching upwards to trace your tongue along charles’ abdomen, eagerly swallowing down every line of cum you pass across. the monegasque moans throatily at the sight of your wide eyes and pink tongue, his eyes flickering to max who looks proud. you pull away when you’ve cleaned everything off his torso, and turn towards max for further instruction.

he kisses you—and the two of you exchange the taste of charles through your tongues. you hear charles’ head fall backwards and knock against the headboard.

max pulls away once he deems your mouth emptied of charles, and looks at the ruined man, “oh? liefje, i think you’ve missed a spot—right there.”

you look to where max is directing you, and he’s right, you have missed a spot. there’s bead of cum running down the head of charles’ cock that you haven’t cleaned away. so, you lean down and suckle it away gently. charles whimpers highly, and max sees his hips buckling upward and presses them down before he thrusts against your mouth.

“i think you missed a little bit more, liefje. you should lick all of him clean just to make sure.”

you shift anxiously, flicking your eyes up to charles who’s staring at you with glazed eyes as he nods in agreement with max’s words.

that’s all it takes for you to drool over the monegasque’s dick like you haven’t had a meal in days, hungrily swiping your tongue along his length, moaning depravedly. you even find yourself going ahead and sucking the charles’ cock into your mouth, humming sweetly at the weight resting on your tongue.

“t-too much!” charles gasps, hips twitching under max’s hand.

“be good, schatje. she only wants to taste you a little more.”

max rests his hand on the back of your head, and it guides you a little lower, more of charles’ length sliding into your mouth. you pant around him, thighs pressing together to try and address your own arousal as you sloppy bob your head on his dick. the dutchman lowers himself down again, slipping alongside you and pressing his mouth against the lower half you don’t have in your mouth, his own tongue tracing along charles’ underside.

“merde, i’m going to cum again,” charles whines desperately.

max shifts lower again to suck his balls into his mouth and brings a hand up to press at charles’ hole. the hand on the back of your head pulls you away quick enough to avoid having you choke on charles’ cum, but his release splatters on the lower half of your face. it paints your lips, chin, and jaw, hot, thick, and creamy.

the two men stare at you in awe, and charles acts first. he pulls you up the bed, and presses your lips together to share his cum between the two of you. max clears his throat when charles tongues the last drip of cum on your jawline, “well—you’ve had time to think about it. can we eat your pretty pussy now?”

“c-can you put a towel down,” you murmur from where charles has tucked your head under his chin, “i don’t want to get the bed wet again.”

charles’ laugh echoes through your chest as max leaps up to run and get a towel like you asked, “mon ange—whether or not we put down the towel; max and i are going to make you cum so much, we’ll have to throw away the bed sheets.”

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liveontelevision · 3 months

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Okay, this started as a rant about Lucifer lore and turned into an argumentative essay on why Lucifer is a bottom. My b.

18+ Smut ahead, lots of angst

•••

Here's the thing about Lucifer. He was an awesome dreamer, fell in love with Lillith, and was banished to Hell. Literally forced to see what the gift of good will can do at its worse. Unless he's made some personal contact with a sinner to get like updates about what the gift of good will did right, he had to be stuck in a depression for centuries, at least until Charlie was born. And while that would've definitely given him a new passion, he'll never feel confident in dreaming again.

With how much he dislikes sinners and what they represent, i wonder if there had to be some strain on their relationship when it came to Lillith taking control? They never really talk about if they had a fallout or if she just disappeared, but i dont think they really got divorced either.

When Lucifer looks at that family picture and winces, does he feel bad about not contacting charlie? About something he did to make lillith leave? Or maybe he feels bad about being upset at lillith for leaving in the first place? There's so much to umpack there i live for the lore.

Love Interests:

But when that comes to potential love interests in the future, Lucifer hasnt had to court anyone before like ever. Not in the circumstances that they live in a big city like Hell. So when he finally ends up catching feelings, he has no idea. People around the hotel literally need to pick up on context clues for him and have an intervention to tell him he's in love again.

Even if he hasnt seen lillith in 7 years, their relationship had to be a drastic change compared to new love. I think that his love interest would also pick it up before he does, and you would let him work at his own pace. Fuck, it is so important that he goes through this process at his own pace.

With so much strain on his past relationships with loved ones, he fully gaslights himself into thinking he doesnt deserves and isnt allowed to feel affection anymore. I hate making characters i love suffer. But i feel like in his state of mind he'd go through depressive episodes and panic attacks, maybe some night terrors. Theyed be about his past and his subconscious would essentially tell him he has feelings again, and he shouldn't act them in case he scares you away and abandons you, like heaven. Or drives you away like lillith. Or purposely blocks you out like charlie. Mans is struggling i swear. He needs some comfort.

After finally coming to terms, hes a nervous wreck about every decision he makes. He'll constantly stare in the mirror in the mornings, making sure he looks his best, would plan mental scripts before even having a conversation with you, and would become a bumbling mess just trying to make jokes out of the situation, some base level actions, like how we saw in the show. He'll manage to finally ask you out, but all he really knows how to do is profess an undying love (i feel like his confession to lillith was hella dramatic) so it was a little awkward, but still cute. And of course you said yes.

So let's say its been 5+ years since he moved into the hotel, met you and finally managed to confess his feelings. When it comes to the actual relationship? You give him reassurance and support him through his mental episodes, and laugh at his jokes and praise him for everything he does. He has such intense imposture syndrome though, that even other demons have to reassure that theres no way you dont love him with all your being. Because it is literally obvious to everyone but him.

He's pretty good at doing the romantic fluff stuff in public, he loves to make a big show out of treating you like royalty and even trying to embarrass you when you become close enough. He's always more charasmatic in public, it seems easier than doing that alone.

Not in a negative way, but Lucifer is so never to be alone with you. You take the lead a bit more in those scenarios, suggesting ideas like movies or just coming up with small talk yourself. He needs someone who'll be patient with him. Being alive for millions of years AND being left or shamed by all your loved ones during that time is literally the definition of Truama.

Of course he's been bottling all that shit up, he has no one to confide with. There's no one who's been alive and witnessed it all the way he has. So bless you for loving and caring for him even without understanding all hes been through.

You'll have some rough patches, where this emotional side locks him away from you and everyone else. It might be a few days before you see him. He'll lock himself in his office, pumping out ducks by the dozen just to keep himself from sleeping, because he's scared he'll have night terrors if he feels asleep. He's in a constant loop;

"what if i fucked up?"

"what if i try to talk about it and then they realize how bad i fucked up?"

"what if that's enough of a reason for them to leave me?"

"what if i scare them away?"

"what if that fucks this up?"

"what if i fucked up.. Again..?"

After he leaves his office, youre excited to see him out and about, but you cant make a big deal out of it. You have to speak to him calmly, make sure he's physically okay before talking to him about his thought process. It might take awhile, but he'll eventually trust you enough to open up. And of course it'll never be bad enough for you to leave him, he's just struggling.

Physical Contact:

It takes him an even longer time to become physical with you. He hasnt been intimate for over a decade at this point, but as soon as he becomes comfortable with little affections like hand holding, cuddling, wrapping his arms around your waist, and kissing? Hoo boy, he melts after your first kiss. It couldve been even a small peck and he would still become a nervous wreck just trying to ask for more.

He'll ask for physical touch more than provide it at first. You'll give him a quick kiss and he'll look up at you super eager just like, "another?" He'll grow into tastful pda's, linking arms, quick hugs and smooches, holding hands all that.

He becomes putty in your hand when you're alone though. You'll nudge him to lean against your shoulder or even lay his head in your lap while youre lounging or watching movies. He becomes so relaxed in your presence, that you'll want to suddenly peck him just to see his suddenly flustered reaction.

You'd give him massages that he would always be hesistant over. He was always a little nervous that he wasnt giving enough to you, but you were quick to assure him that wasnt the case. You'd straddle his hips while giving him a slowww massage. It starts with light touches, tracing your fingers over his shoulder blades and spine. You'd trace your fingers over his chest when you would cuddle too, depending on the position. Or stroke his back sweetly. It was enough of a distraction to keep his mind occupied, away from any spiraling thoughts he might be having.

He purrs. Convince me that he doesnt purr. (You cant)

Being secluded for so long probably means that he doesnt fly as much as he used to. It was probably a passion of his, and he was especially delighted to share it with lillith and charlie.

So during those 7 years he barely flew, he also didnt take care of his wings. I feel like theyre something to be summoned, so they arent constantly tucked into his back. You'd basically scold him sometimes to just let you clean his wings.

You'd do it in like a spring-type bathhouse that Lucifer would have in his castle somehow. It was one of the first intimate moments he's experienced in years, so he was generally going insane. Feeling your hands and a little comb rake through the feathers on his giant wings? You'd have to tap his shoulder sometimes to keep him from falling asleep to the relaxation alone. After the first time, the water you used was pretty dirty and he had a lot of loose feathets that were combed out. Damn, he needed this.

Intimacy:

After awhile, you sit down and would have a discussion about being intimate in bed. Lucifer would be absolutely nervous about overstepping by asking this, (even though you've been together for about a year at this point). He would use his mental scripts and basically practice what he wanted to say.

It would mainly be him saying he wants to do this because he loves you and youve done so much for him that he wants to give back to you in this way. It would consist of him saying its okay if you dont want to, or if you ever want to stop to just say so. But of course you want to, how could you not?

It would start slow, he actually tries taking the lead in this specific situation. He would kiss you first, his lips trembling at the thought that this is actually happening. Feeling his nerves, you'd cup his face and stroke his cheeks with your thumbs lightly. That will help him ease up enough to start letting the passion take over more.

He'd become more confident in slipping his tongue into your mouth and placing his hands on your hips to pull you closer to him. Lucifer would get lost in the moment, pulling you to straddle his lap as he kissed and licked and bit his way across both your shoulders and down to the softeness of your breast. After leaning back to look at the damage his eyes would become increasingly wide, looking up at you with a flustered expression. Seeing you losing it as much as he was, gave him enough courage to keep up at it.

He would almost hesistantly take a hold of your breasts and would massage them softly, running his thumbs across your nipples and becoming absolutely delighted at the reaction you gave. The adrenaline from the pleasure would make you start grinding against his lap, which would make lucifer's hands on your hips pull away for a moment and make his breath stutter. Lucifer would look you up and down as if he didnt know what to do next, studying your body with darting eyes. You'd press a small kiss on his forehead before guiding his hands back onto your hips with yours, keeping your eyes on him the entire time.

"Are you okay, Luci?" He would gulp before nodding his head and turning ridiculously red across his face, maybe from the idea of what was to come, maybe just from your voice alone. You'd keep your hands ontop of his at your hips as you'd keep moving, letting out breathy moans. He would be holding his breath without realizing, an absolute nervous wreck just from the view.

He would already be hard just from the previous make out session, so this would cause him to lean his back against the bed, his strength giving out. You'd keep up at it, feeling his hips jolt up to meet yours at times.

He was a sweaty, twitching mess in front of you and you hated to admit how much that excited you.

His scripted plan was immediately forgotten, but he was quick to remember that he wanted to please you.

He'd snap out of his state of intense pleasure, to carefully switch positions, him looking over you with your back against the bed.

You both discuss it, of course, attempting to set boundaries before hand. Even just the tender discussion would get him riled up. So he'd lean foward and kiss you again, showing off his forked tongue before peppering kisses down your entire body, until he was close enough to let his hot breath heat up your folds.

You'd feel his nervous breath on you before delving in. He would be hesistant of course, but would be quick to get used to your entrance after running his tongue across your entirety multiple times. Lucifer loves providing pleasure this way, so his brain immediately knew what to do once the nerves past. He was quick to take a tight hold onto your thighs to keep you in place as he entered you with his demonic lengthy tongue. He would look up at you as he sort of aimlessly dug around at first, waiting for a reaction. Once he'd see you dip your head back with a muffled moan, he would close his eyes to focus all his attention to that one spot. He'd reach his thumb around to circle and massage your clit that he would find far too quickly. You'd arch your back and try to get more friction against his tongue, but it's easy to forget that he is quite literally the strongest being in Hell. You weren't going anywhere.

He'd love feeling your hands in his hair and would absolutely lose it feeling you pull hard when he'd hit just the right spot. As soon as he set a steady thythm and was hearing your voice become more unhinged, he'd speed up to an extent that you didn't realize was possible after going for so long. You discussed cumming before and he made it very clear that he was okay with you finishing on his face. Fuck, he wanted it. You still warned him, moaning out his name to get his attention, "I-I'm almost there- K-Keep doing that.. like that..! Luci-" you'd almost direct him though the whole process, but were quick to become a moaning mess unable to communicate with words. You'd reach your limit and he would let you buck up into his face this time, loosening his grip on your thighs. He'd pull away after licking you clean, sending overstimulated pleasure across your entire body, with a line of your juices following his tongue as he lifted his head. He would pant with his tongue still sticking out of his mouth, and even through hazy eyes you loved seeing his demonic tongue and thinking about how it just drove you to climax.

Things would switch up again, and you'd sit him against the back of the bedframe. you'd have another quick discussion before seating yourself slowly on his length, which had been throbbing for any contact since the night started. The first few times, he'd do his best not to cum immediately. He hadn't been touched like this in a while, after all. You'd only begin to move once you made sure he was okay since his struggle was written all over his face.

The moment you began to keep a steady space, he would jut his hips upwards, becoming needy to feel this sensation he hadn't felt in over a decade. The first time didn't last long. It was sweet, and he would constantly moan out your name and babble on about how much he loves you. The entire time, you'd be praising him through every move until he was going too fast for you to get a sentence out.

He'd cum inside of you, another previously discussed topic. You essentially had to beg to convince him it was okay. You'd collapse onto his chest, a position he didnt see often. While the two of you always cuddled, you were so focused on making sure he was comfortable, Lucifer realized you didnt often get the chance to just relax on top of him. So after realizing that? Aftercare was amazing.

He'd let you sit with him inside you for a while, before pulling you off and immediately cleaning you up. Some nights, when he felt especially dominant, he would lap up his own cum from your incredibly sensitive cunt. He would swallow some of it, but was mainly pushing anything that dripped out back into your entrance.

After cleaning you up, he would wiggle his way back underneath you and pull you onto his chest, enjoying taking care of you the way you took care of him.

After the first night, lucifer would be much more confident. He'd have that healthy glow, but would be more assertive during meetings, more communicative and wouldnt shut others out as often. It really helped him realize how much you gave to him, and he was determined to give all that and more back to you.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin #hazbin hotel smut #lucifer hazbin #lucifer hazbin hotel #lucifer magne #lucifer morningstar x you #lucifer x reader smut #lucifer morningstar #hazbin lucifer

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snowy-vee · 3 months

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BBM BABY (2)

n/a: Normally I do check the chapters a little bit, but today I didn't :/ STILL enjoy the chapter. TYSM for the notes, love you all <3333 THIS IS NEXT DAY, NOT THE CONTINUATION OF THE CAR SCENE

INDEX

No, you wasn’t in one of your binge episodes, but you were certain that the cashier was thinking that as he kept scanning all the candies, chocolates and ice creams.

“I have a big sleepover” You said laughing awkwardly. He did the same nodding, when he said the final price, your wallet almost cried as you took out some dollars “Bye!”

You left the store opening the pack of red licorice and eating one of them while you walked on one of the alleys between houses and stores, nobody should see your final destination, aka Ellie’s garage. People were to nosey around here, you knew that they would tell your mom how much you bought but you had a perfect cover for that.

“Hi, Joel” you waved watching him on his porch, sat in one chair with a beer on his hand.

“The kid’s in the garage” he gave you a nod and then pointed to where your girlfriend was, you nodded already knowing that. “Don’t have too much fun, you two”

“Oh no, sir, we’re just going to hang out casually, Dina and Jesse will join us too”

“No need to lie, just share some of that red candy you got there” you wanted to say something else but it would be stupid, you just gave him a couple of red licorice and murmured a little ‘bye’

Joel did knew something was going on between you but Ellie told him to ‘mind his own business’ so he was just waiting for her to come around and tell him that you two were official. You knocked on her door feeling the embarrassment on your face because of what Joel suggested.

“Coming” you heard Ellie say and some movement before she opened the door, she seemed surprised to see you, maybe because the whole night in the group chat you said how impossible it was for you to hang out the next day, and now you were in front of her and very early “You came!”

She stepped aside, letting you pass inside and close the door behind you. The place was a little bit a disaster but you didn’t mind just going straight to the couch and flopping onto it. “This is for you”

She picked up the plastic bag taking out everything you bought, she seems happy watching her favourite sweets but at the same time she looks at you suspicious, her eyes narrow, trying to read your face to see if there was any trace of guilt. You must have done something to buy her so many things.

“What have you done?” she asks pointing at you with a chocolate bar, you gasped surprised and started laughing which made you look more dubious. “Have I done something?”

Now she was pointing at her face with a confused look, you shook your head, standing up and planting a little kiss on her nose “Aren’t you on your period?”

“Yeah! How do you know that? It just came today”

“Because yours always come three days before mine, I checked my pink calendar”

You fucking knew it, Ellie hormones were high, that’s why she was so horny last week, that’s why she was getting little mood swings and that’s why she was so sensible enough to say ‘I Love You’ to you. Mentally, you were jumping and clapping, you knew that word just slipped in the moment, it was just that… Hormones.

“You are a weird, I kind of like that”

“I am not! You know how synchronized we are ? Soon we will have periods the same day, that would means that we spend to much time together” your hands were on her hair brushing it slowly. Of course you liked Ellie, you liked her so much and being girlfriends was perfectly great, you adored her, you cherished her, you cared for her deeply, you had feelings for her, you had a strong attachment to her… but LOVE? That’s a big word, too big for you two. After she drove you back to your house last night, obviously three blocks away, you had trouble falling asleep, tossing and turning until the thought of maybe she being on her cycle crossed your mind, you felt relieved.

Ellie gave you a little peck, you gave her another an soon you two were making out, she laughed softly in the middle of it making you laugh too. The loud knock on the door makes you both separate knowing that it might be one of your friends.

“Williams, open up! I have the goodies and they are hot!” Jesse’s voice and Dina’s laughter were very quite audible; you could already guess what they were referring to. Ellie quickly hid the sweets and you just sat in a corner of the couch trying to make it look as if you were uncomfortable in there.

Once she opened the door and Dina saw you, she screamed and went to hug you, almost throwing her whole body onto yours, Jesse put the aluminium tray on the table and opened it up revealing some brownies that looked delicious.

“I thought you couldn’t make it today! I was thinking on breaking into your house and kidnapping you” Dina sat besides you, in the middle of the couch, Jesse by her side with an arm on her shoulders and Ellie on a chair.

“Well, my father went on the road again and my mother thinks that I’m with you, by the time she goes to work, she won’t even remember that I’m at home”

“Girls, can you two focus? I brought this amazing dessert with a special green ingredient, we have to try it” Jesse handed out the brownies, hoping that one of you would take a bite and let him know if it was delicious or not.

“He made them, that’s why he’s so anxious” Dina whispered in your ear, making you giggle a little bit. That made Ellie kind of jealous.

Not jealousy towards Dina, but jealousy that she could talk to you in public or even in this space that your four shared without problem, that she could easily hug you whenever she wanted and no one would say shit but if it was her doing that, not only the whole town would make the biggest gossip chain but your parents could put you on a plane to somewhere and she would never see you again. She did some thinking about long distance relationships but she barely can handle two days without grazing your skin.

That’s why she was the first to take a bite of the chocolate dessert and god bless Jesse’s hands, it was delicious. “Dude, you will bake my birthday cake”

“That would be an honor” They both cheered clashing brownies and giving another try to them. Dina and you try them, they were sweet but not too much, you loved the texture and you wanted to try more even when Dina warned you too slow down and that two were enough but If she wanted you to only eat two, why bring a full tray?

You had zero idea if they kicked in, you were just chilling with SZA in the background, your head in the armrest of the couch and your eyes closed. You could hear them chatting and sometimes you said something but you were much quieter than anything, the movement of your leg to the rhythm of the music is what gave away that you hadn’t fallen asleep yet. The couples voice seemed to vanished slowly and you heard the door open and close.

“Are you okay?” you blinked slowly before opening your eyes fully, Ellie is facing you from the opposite side making you feel dizzy.

“I shouldn’t have ate that many”

“You shouldn’t, but why don’t I lay you down on my bed, take out your shoes and you can rest there better?” she suggested kissing your forehead, for a second you panicked sitting up rapidly. Big mistake, your head was spinning now. “They are not here, they are outside”

“I can’t stay, I have to go home” you said getting up, Ellie grabbed your hand and shook her head, leading you to her bed.

“Trust me, it’s going to be worse if your mom sees you like this, I will wake you up in less than fifteen minutes and you can go” That sounded good for you as you let your head fall into her pillow as you felt how she was taking off your shoes and covering you with the blanket. “I’m going outside for a moment, I’ll be right back.”

“Yeah”

“I love you”

…You were tripping, there was no way she said it again. Hormones? Yeah, maybe, but yesterday was at the start of something sexual, today was so casual, as if it was normal between you two. Your head was heavy, you whole body felt heavier, you just wanted to sleep, so you let it go and let yourself have a nap.

Meanwhile outside Jesse and Dina were talking while smoking a fat blunt “I don’t know how you guys can be smoking after those brownies, Dina, your friend is K.O”

Dina pouted feeling a little guilty that she didn’t stopped you from almost eating half of them by yourself “It’s your fault, Jesse! Since when do you know how to bake?”

“I don’t know, maybe I am gifted” he smiled proudly passing the blunt to Ellie, she passed it to Dina who passed it back to Jesse “More for me, I guess”

They were sat in the little chairs that Joel put for Ellie so she could have an improvised porch, it was not facing the house so he couldn’t see what could be going on and that gave Ellie a much bigger feeling of privacy.

“By the way, Ellie, could you try be friends with her? I mean much better friends, it gets awkward sometimes and you two have thing in common!”

“Like what?” Jesse and Ellie asked in unison “Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!”

Dina rolled her eyes “Please, it would be so cool if we were 100% a group”

“We are a group, we get along, it’s not like a hate her or something”

“Dude, I’ve seen you keeping your distance from her on many occasions. You barely talk much, I don’t think you’ve ever been alone together except for today when she had to leave early and come here.” Jesse added. It was Ellie’s turned to roll her eyes and accept the blunt this time.

She was dying to tell them that you two were together but the sole thought of that leaving her mouth sent an image of you in the airport leaving her alone in this fucking town. “I’ll try”

“Thank you! I can’t wait to see to of my best friends, be best friends too”

taglist;; @bready101 @lavenderhazelsworld

#ellie williams #ellie williams fanfiction #ellie williams smut #the last of us #tlou game #ellie tlou #tlou2 #ellie williams x reader #ellie smut #ellie the last of us #ellie x fem reader #ellie x reader #ellie fanfic #lgbtq #wlw #snowy vee #ellie fluff #fluff

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sapphic-agent · 2 months

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Why & How Katara is the Strongest Waterbender

The ATLA fandom is funny. Because if there's one member of the Gaang whose skills are continuously doubted, it's Katara's.

No one hesitates in saying that Toph is the strongest Earthbender in the world. Aang has always been maintained as a natural prodigy. Sokka's strategic intelligence and cleverness are never in question. Most people are positive that Zuko would have beaten Azula if she hadn't targeted Katara and hail him as a swords master.

But for some reason, it's always Katara whose proficiency is either called into question or severely downplayed.

Some are skeptical about the legitimacy of her becoming a master in a short time. Others are certain that her victories are due to plot manipulation. Both of these arguments that ATLA is a kids' show which pushed it into giving her the win.

(Funny how ATLA is the greatest piece of media ever read until it comes to anything pertaining Katara's character lmao)

So I wanted to take a minute to talk about the progression of her waterbending skills and how she became Master Katara.

Pre North Pole

The first time we really see Katara practice waterbending is in The Waterbending Scroll when she decides to show Aang her limited very skill set. She noticeably has a difficult time with her bending, whereas he seems to pick it up rather quickly.

As we know, Katara has never met another waterbender before. She has no idea what their bending is supposed to look or feel like. And that's reflected in the moves she shows Aang.

I want to draw attention to Katara's stance here. She's stiff, even a little awkward. She's standing where more like an Earthbender. We see this repeated when she's practicing the Water Whip.

Even later when she does perform the Water Whip correctly, there are still traces of this.

You know how Iroh learned to redirect lightning watching Waterbenders? Well, my assumption (at this point I'm 80% sure it's meant to canon) is that Katara learned most of her bending by watching Aang and the Earthbenders they met around the world.

It makes sense, right? They would have been the closest thing to Waterbenders she could have learned from. She even asked Aang to teach her in the first episode. So the start of her bending began with incorporating the forms of Air and Earth.

And we see the results of that in her fight with Pakku.

Fighting Pakku

Katara's fight with Pakku is a great demonstration of his visually. He's a master, so he's already proficient at "push and pull." Katara is not. She's done it before, but it's not her go-to style when she's fighting. And we can see it in this fight.

Again, her stance is firm. She either blocks his attacks or bats them away. She doesn't reinforce and redirect them like he does hers. She isn't fighting like a Waterbender, she's fighting like an Earthbender.

Not to say this is a bad thing. Pakku himself even admits that she's good even though they both know she can't beat him.

Why am I bringing this up? Because one thing about Katara that's overlooked is her adaptability. When she didn't have a waterbending teacher, she made do with observing Earthbenders. She picked up Pakku's teachings even better than Aang had. And going forward from here it really begins to shine in her bending.

She completely dominates Pakku's other students and Zuko (twice). Why? What makes her so special compared to men who have been training their whole lives?

Because water is the element of change. By being so proficient in adapting (not just in her bending, but openly embracing different things and experiences and people), Katara unknowingly embraced the mentality of her element.

(It's actually a funny twist of fate because you could make the point that the North held its other Waterbenders back by being so bound to and unflinching in their traditions. It would explain why none of Pakku's students even stood a chance against her)

If you think about it, you could draw parallel to Yue explaining the history of Waterbending to Katara to the Sun Warriors explaining fire as an element to Zuko. In both cases, you can see that they're able to see and understand their element in a new light. Although it's more of a realization moment for Katara as she already knew about pushing and pulling and it's more of a lesson for Zuko who was taught something completely different.

Katara vs Azula (Round 1)

You know how I said people attribute her wins due to plot manipulation because ATLA is a kids' show? Well it seems like Katara vs Azula is the scene they focus on the most for that.

But let's be real, this isn't a fluke. The show purposely draws attention to Katara prowess and skills during this fight.

Azula is someone who's always in control. She's someone who goes into fights with full confidence. But she is completely thrown off by Katara's abilities here.

And this is something that persists throughout the entire fight. Katara completely overpowers her. At no point during the fight did Azula have the upper hand against her.

And remember, this is Azula's fight. She's the one who imprisoned Katara and Zuko. She's the one who attacked Katara and Aang to begin with. Sure, she was probably counting on her manipulation of Zuko working and him backing her, but there was no guarantee that he would be able to get away from Aang long enough to help her.

And right after this, Aang really struggles against Azula. He doesn't own the fight nearly as well as Katara does.

So, we know it isn't a fluke. The creators intentionally made Katara outclass Azula here. She's canonically the superior bender between the two of them. And that's not a small feat by any means. Azula at this time is one of the best Firebenders alive, probably fourth (after Ozai, Iroh, and Jeong Jeong (she could possibly be above Jeong Jeong)).

So what was the reason for this? Why was Katara able to outclass Azula so effortlessly?

Well here's where Katara's mastery of the meaning of her element comes into play again. She understands and excels in the concept behind water. Always changing, always adapting. She embraces water to its fullest capabilities (which also includes incorporating other elements into it; water would actually be the best element to do this with). The entire fight, she's switching stances and forms and keeping Azula on the evade. Whatever Azula throws back is dealt with without an issue.

And as we know, Azula (and most Firebenders) misunderstand fire as an element. She uses it solely as a destructive force, but it's also energy, life, and passion. This is also part of the reason Zuko lost so easily in the Northern Water Tribe; he also had the same issue. Katara's proficiency in water as not just a weapon, but an element, gave her the advantage over Azula she needed.

Katara vs Hama

A debate that comes up a lot is who's the better bender between Katara and Amon. To that I have always said Amon was taught Bloodbending, Katara just did it.

Let me reiterate: NO ONE TAUGHT KATARA BLOODBENDING. Hama explained the concept to her, yes, but never actually taught her. In fact, she did not expect her to pick it up without guidance. In her own words, "You should've learned the technique before you turned against me."

This was a technique that took Hama decades to learn. Tarrlok and Noatak were trained relentlessly. And Katara just... Did it. No guidance and no build up. This supports that Katara's adaptability and versatility in her bending is unmatched. She's able to comprehend and perform advance concepts with no training or teaching.

Now that we got that out of the way, this fight is so comprable to Katara vs Pakku. This is the second time she's fought a master and we can see how much she's improved. So much so that she doesn't even struggle against Hama.

At this point, she's mastered "push and pull." She's able to take everything Hama throws at her and send it right back with little to no effort.

But she takes it a step further.

Instead of redirecting, Katara completely stops Hama's onslaught. This undoubtedly is something she picked up from Earthbenders. It certainly isn't a Waterbending technique, yet somehow she made it into an effective move.

Look at Hama's face. She's completely thrown off by this. This was not something she ever expected out of any Waterbender. She was completely unprepared for Katara to be able to outmatch and overpower her.

Katara completely surpassed her, solidified by using the technique she invented against her.

I was going to talk about Katara and Azula's second fight, but there isn't much to add there. I already compared the difference in their skills talking about the first fight, and the Agni Kai is an escalation of that. The outcome of the Agni Kai was already decided and confirmed in the catacombs.

And that my friends is how and why Katara is the best Waterbender in the world

#master katara #katara of the southern watertribe #katara analysis #give my girl her due respect #katara is the greatest waterbender in the world #no i won't be taking criticism #argue with the wall #katara deserved better

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bartxnhood · 9 months

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lost stars | c.b

colby brock x reader

summary: colby is always there for you. even at your worst.

warnings: mentions of depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide, etc.

a/n: i’ve been kinda in a slump lately so this is kinda a self insert, but also if any of my followers or you come across this i genuinely hope you know that it will get better. if you need someone to talk to me, please reach out to me. i’ll always be here for you. ❤️

requests open

not proofread

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you were overcome with a familiar sensation. the sensation of having everyone around you but still feeling alone in the world occurred often. the need to curl up under your covers and wither away, the pain in your chest, the random tears, the feeling that you're going crazy. everything was wrong, but you were unable to express your feelings.

you surrounded yourself with toxic people over the years, hungry for any type of attention, even if it was unpleasant. you desired to feel something. even if that meant it hurt you more, it was better than nothing. you weren't numb.

you tried to block out your thoughts with music, but the songs only served to highlight how unhappy you were. your life was uninteresting, and you feared you'd never feel genuine happiness again. until you met colby, you saw everything in black and white.

he was a colorful person who saw the good in the world while you only saw the terrible. it has been said that opposites attract. despite this, you two had a lot in common after the meeting.

first and foremost, both of you had excellent musical tastes. if one of you discovered a new song or band, you'd tell each other about it. alternatively, if colby was droning on about the paranormal and his love for hunting the unknown, you'd be all ears, staring at him with the brightest smile, seeing how his eyes lit up. colby often enjoyed movie marathons with you; you'd both choose a few films you hadn't seen before and watch them together, along with the occasional old favorite you both adored.

“oh cmon, there was totally enough room for jack!” you exclaimed with the remote in hand. you just finished watching titanic for probably the hundredth time with him and you were back to arguing about the ending. “i’m not saying there wasn’t, jus sayin it would’ve been hard to balance!” he laughed, standing up from your sofa with the popcorn bowl in hand. “okay yeah maybe, but that’s why she had the life jacket!” you heard him snicker from the kitchen, “y/n, the movie is twenty years old, i don’t think it’ll change anytime soon. sorry darling” he walked back into the living room falling by your side.

though, it wasn’t always glamorous. you knew colby was famous, you know girls practically threw themselves at him and it did make you uneasy.

not that you thought you weren’t good enough for him, but the fear that once you had another episode, he would leave you.

colby understood about your mental health; he was always there for you and would do whatever to help you the best he could. you never wanted him to see you at your lowest; it was a difficult period for you, and you didn't want colby to bear that burden.

you were going through that again. everything went back to black and white, and the color faded day by day. you began to lose that sparkle in your eyes, you stopped smiling at his texts, you slept most of the day, you didn't leave your bed, and you even forgot to eat some days. your body was once again being overwhelmed by that sensation.

colby began to notice your absence, your one-word texts back, or even not messaging back for hours. it was like a complete shift. he was aware of what was going on and did not hold it against you. you needed time to deal with everything, but he didn't want you alone. he didn't have much experience with what you were feeling, but he would spend every single day with you just to understand; he wants to help you. he doesn't want you to suffer any longer, and even if you didn't talk to him or tell him how you felt, he wanted you to know he was there for you no matter what.

you lay on your bed, a mountain of sheets covering your body. all of your lights were turned out, and the only light came from your window. you couldn't recall when you last showered, maybe four days ago if you had to guess.

when you tried to close your eyes, you felt that familiar aching in your chest again. you began to cry as memories flooded your head. it was annoying not to be able to sleep without your mind taking control. reminding yourself of all you could have done better or things that have contributed to your depression. you felt guilty for everything, even if it had nothing to do with you.

you rolled over, facing your window and door. It was almost midnight. you just wanted to sleep, but following your previous naps, you doubted you'd get any. you tried to close your eyes and rest, but were interrupted by a knock at the door. "y/n?" you heard your boyfriend's voice and opened the door, only to be met with darkness. you opened your eyes and looked at him. "colby?"

he entered, closing the door behind him. "you vanished, and I just wanted to check on you." he left his spare key on your desk. "im okay," he knew you weren't, so he moved over to your side and perched on the edge of the bed. "you sure?" he asks, reaching for your hand. "i know you're having a hard time; whether you let me in or not is up to you." "but I hate seeing you suffer like this, y/n," he implored, his thumb sliding over your knuckles. meanwhile, you chewed on the inside of your cheek as you stared at the wall, fighting back the surge of emotions. "I just," you began, exhaling the breath you felt you'd been holding.

“I'm not sure, colbs. "I just don't know," you hesitated, "I always end up like this again." I can't express how I feel. "I've spent so much time suffering that it's normal," you explained, a few tears falling from your eyes. I don't want to put you down because you deserve so much more."

colby rose, had you scoot over, and took your place on the bed. he drew you closer, allowing you to cry with your head on his chest. "please don't say that." knowing how depressed you were shattered his heart. "i want to be there for you no matter how many times you go through this. “its a part of you that i still adore. you closed your eyes, fighting back tears as he smiled sadly.

"youll get through this, and I'll be right here until you do. you don't have to be alone anymore."

#colby brock imagine #colby brock #colby brock fic #colby brock x reader #colby brock angst #colby brock x you #colby brock fluff #colby brock x y/n #colby brock fanfic #sam golbach #sam and colby

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fountainpenguin · 7 months

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Scott, Gem, and Martyn Secret Life Ep 1 commentary:

"Geez Scott, why are you so creepy?" / "Everyone needs a hobby <3"

Crying at Scott booking it across the grass to break up Scar and Jimmy as fast as humanly possible and they just start huffing and grumbling.

Scott after running into Pearl, Cleo, Jimmy, and Martyn - "I've bumped into every single one of my exes already..."

slkdjf Skizz apparently cut himself saying "I just wanna cause problems" out of his own POV but Scott got it all on tape

Skizz staying within 10 blocks of Gem is even funnier from Scott's POV because he needs Gem to hold his hand while he follows Scott around a corner... The delicate balancing act of obeying Scott's come hither but also pulling Gem along.

The dead silent push in on Scott's face when he notices Gem inching her base away from his and he's dreading starting his "obnoxiously attach your base to someone else's" task over.

Impulse: "Scott, is my cottagecore-ing okay? :)" / Scott, sweating his pretty little head off as he speed-builds so Gem doesn't catch him in the act, not even turning around: "Yep- looks great!"

Gem, emotionally trudging across the map with Skizz and Scott hanging off her.

I appreciate Gem's commentary of "How much room does this man NEED??"

Gem watching Scott un-merge their bases: "Oh, thank you" / Scott: "What do you mean by that. Why is that a relief to you."

---

Impulse and Gem going over the cliff is funnier with the context that Gem's task was to convince someone to "take a leap of faith while also ensuring they take no damage."

Mental image of Gem begging Impulse to take a flying jump into the water while Impulse is grabbing her by the shoulders and trying to force her into a cherry wood boat because it's cherry wood it's amazing Gem come on slkdjf

Gem: "How much more iron do you need for a chestplate?" / Impulse, taking a moment to pretend to count: "... 8 :)"

Gem, addressing the viewers: "And Skizz follows me around for an uncomfortable period of time."

In Scott's POV, he's just watching unhappily from the distance as Gem starts taking down her wall, but in Gem's POV she actually asked him if she can move her base over and he's just like "Yeah... Yeah, you can if you want to :')" slkdfj

Underappreciated irony in Scott being the one to make a big deal about how clingy Skizz is when he's literally fusing his base's roof with Gem's

It's spawn egg-topia!!

Scott: "I'm making the executive decision to separate our cottages." slkdjf Scott recovers from being possessed by the spirit of clinginess and wakes up like "What HAPPENED last night?? What is this garbage??"

---

Holy cow Martyn dropping from 30 hearts to 12 within like 20 minutes.

lksdjf Martyn: "Let's see if there's any response in the chat to my Cover Me With Diamonds achievement :)" / Gem, Scott, and Impulse immediately triple enchant / Martyn: "Oh :'D"

??? Custom zombie spawner? Neat

He started at 30 and went down to 5.5 hearts?? Geez, dude.

It's funny because in Double Life, I didn't notice Martyn taking that much damage compared to anyone else, but I feel like now I understand why Cleo was so irritated with him lskdjf

Martyn at the start of this episode: "Ew I don't want cherry wood" / Martyn trying to complete his secret task: "Where is all the cherry wood??"

Martyn speedbuilding in panic and quiet, then Joel cracks a joke and Martyn laughs and you hear Bdubs offscreen going "You got Martyn with that one" <3

sdfklsjdf I like how Martyn's idea of copying Lizzie's house involved rushing over to hers and destroying her bed to match the fact that his copied house did not have a bed

Wheezing at Impulse being just 2 steps from pushing the success button but Martyn starts trash-talking cherry wood and Impulse immediately goes "Take that back, take that back right now!" with this guttural snarl and starts stomping towards him because he wasn't cured from his cherry wood obsession yet... Beautiful.

#Secret Life #Secret Life spoilers #trafficblr #Scott Smajor #Martyn InTheLittleWood #mcyt #traffic life smp #Riddle watches Traffic #GeminiTay #Skizzleman #impulseSV #Secret Life SMP spoilers #traffic spoilers #Gem and the Scotts

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chefkids · 8 months

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Spoon Theory

This is arguably the single most important The Bear meta post I will ever make so please bear with me.

The first spoon we see in the entire series is when Carmy takes Sydney's spoon to try her stew. This is right after he cut his hand from not being able to find his sharp knife, and before he has to meet with Natalie to get Mikey's jacket, which was stressing him out. She "gave him a spoon" and a bit of positivity when he needed to calm down and get some energy by knowing at the very least Sydney can cook well.

Needing a spoon is needing help. When he hands over the brigade to Sydney he is waving around spoons the entire episode, when she really needed his help and his "spoons". Later on Sydney is not afraid to just ask him for his help.

With the risotto she gave him a "spoon" that would help the restaurant, that brought in a good review and customers, but he didn't have enough of his own "spoons" to deal with it as he was stressing out over the window that just got shot through and the IRS needing the missing tax returns. Right before trying the risotto Carmy had told Richie he is afraid of something good happening. He is afraid of Sydney and him doing well, because the better it gets the more it will hurt him when something goes wrong. That is why he keeps self sabotaging the restaurant and doubting Sydney.

After Sydney quit, she is still using her spoons for mental energy to make sure Marcus is okay and to try and figure out her next steps career wise. Carmy grabbed a spoon to open the tomato can lid, which he really didn't need because he could've just used the can opener, and then found the money. When he finds the money they both know they would be fine on their own, she could find another job, he could fix up The Beef. But they still need each others emotional spoons to achieve their passions, so he reaches out and she comes back.

In Season 2 she did need his "spoons" to help create the menu and decide on the details for the restaurant, but he barely gave her any because he was still so caught up in his past trauma and the literal and metaphorical forks in his life.

Fixing the table really didn't physically need more than one "spoon"/person. But he needed her there to work through his mental block. With the inspiration food tour, she did it on her own and she didn't physically need him for it, she needed his emotional spoons.

When they are not communicating well with each other and Carmy is trying to reach back and be involved again, he gets as close as he can to her spoon without actually using it.

And now the dark side of spoons.

The originator of spoon theory has lupus and first came up with this theory at a restaurant to explain what it was like living with the condition to a friend. They could've easily said Sydney's mom died of cancer or an accident or anything else. But this is all so intentional, out of all the things it is Lupus. I don't want Sydney to be sick as much as the next person, but Lupus is a chronic autoimmune disease that has higher likelihood of developing when you have a family member with it, and can be triggered by environmental factors such as stress. It is an invisible illness and Christine's own handle is butyoudontlooksick, which could really explain Sydney and what she has going on behind her walls that people can't see. She has been a rock to so many people and over exerting herself, but there might come a time soon when Sydney will genuinely need other peoples "spoons", especially Carmy's, because she's all out.

Now that Carmy said he is choosing to give Syd his focus aka his "spoons", will he actually be able to follow through?

Read The Fork Theory next

Read The Knife Theory

#spoon theory #the bear meta #the bear #sydcarmy #sydney adamu #carmen berzatto #chefs kiss #syd x carmy #platonic and messy #charged and sexy #carmy x sydney #christopher storer #joanna calo

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yeaimsafiya · 2 months

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CHAPTER ONE back from rehab

SYNOPSIS the beginning of a teenage girl named y/n who is fresh out of rehab but doesn't intend to stay clean.

FROM THE WRITER AHH IM SORRY IM LATE GUYS!! This is the first chapter I'm ever writing, I took some inspo from episode 1 but I'm going to have to cut each episode into fourths because I really don't want to spend a whole week trying to finish a whole episode and school work. But I hope you guys really enjoy this chapter as much as I did - Love you guys, Sapiyah <3

WARNINGS Lots of unnecessary writing, female! reader, mentions of drugs and drinking, strong sexual content, nudity, violence, adult content, adult language, scenes might be uncomfortable for some, some scenes might include mentions of mental illness'

SERIES EUPHORIA

CHARACTERS INCLUDED members of the bakusquad & dekusquad, big three(?), some characters of class 1A

NOTES MDNI! Ageless blogs will be blocked or removed.

Readers discretion is advised

Suddenly, the whole world goes dark and nothing else matters except the person standing in front of you.

You were once happy. Content.

Sloshing and swimming around your own private, primordial pool; Then one day, for reasons beyond your control, you were continuously and repeatedly crushed...

Over..and over.. again by the cervix of your mother, M/n.

You put up a good fight, but eventually lost, for the first time, but not the last.

You were born 3 days after 9/11, your mother and father spent two days in the hospital, holding you under the soft glow of the television, watching those towers fall over and over again, until the feeling of grief gave away to numbness.

And then, without warning, a middle-class childhood in the American suburbs.

You were sitting at the dinner table with your mother, M/n, and Father, F/n. But it appeared something else had gotten your attention, a set of numerous lights above the dinner table, in which you wanted to count.

"Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen.."

" What are you looking at y/n?"

"..."

"What are you doing? ..Y-y/n look at me."

"One, two, three, .."

"What are you doing Y/n?"

*cries*

"Id say she's suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder..."

Its not like you were physically abused..

"...attention deficit disorder..."

..Or had some type of clean water storage..

"..general anxiety disorder.."

..Or was molested by a family member.

"..and possibly bipolar disorder. But she's a little bit too young to tell."

So, explain this shit to me.

"Honey, it's just the way your brain was hardwired; Plenty of great, intelligent, funny, interesting and creative people have struggled with the same things you struggle with."

"Like who?"

"Vincent Van Gogh, Sylvia Plath, and even Brittney Spears, your favorite!"

You haven't remembered much from the ages of eight to twelve. Just that the world moved fast, and your mind moved slow.

"Does anyone have an idea of what a perception might be?"

And every now and then, if you focused on the way you breathed...

You'd die.

"Slow down, just breathe"

Until every second of the day, you'd find yourself trying to outrun your anxiety.

"What's wrong Y/n?"

..And quite frankly..

"I'm just fucking exhausted"

Coming down to the kitchen, you could hear the small talk between your mother and younger sister, S/N.

"You said the doctor was in our network. How can he suddenly be out of network?"

"I can't afford it."

"Did you see that video of the girl who got acid thrown at her face?"

"What? No.."

"It's pretty fucked up.."

"Mom do you know where the tampons are?"

"In my bathroom, right under the sink."

And at one point, you'd make a choice of who you are and what you want.

"Alright Gia, let's go"

"Why do the co-payments cost $300?"

"Y/n did you eat breakfast?"

".."

"What's with the glasses?"

"What glasses?"

You just happened to show up one day, without a map or a compass..

"Attention students, we need to lockdown."

..Or to be honest, anyone capable of giving on iota of good fucking advice.

And I know it all seems sad but guess what? You did not build this system up, nor fuck it up yourself.

But then it happens. That moment where your breath starts to slow. And every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen you have.

Then everything stops: Your heart, your lungs, then finally, your brain. And everything you feel, you wish, and want to forget, it all just sinks.

And then suddenly... you give it air again, give it life again.

You remember the first time it happened, where you were so scared you wanted to call 911. Go to the hospital and be kept alive by machines and apple juice. But you didn't want to look like an idiot, and you didn't want to fuck up everyone else's night.

And now overtime, that's all you've wanted.. those two seconds of nothingness.

You spent a good portion of summer before junior year in rehab. God granted you the serenity to accept things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

"Y/N," your sister yelled from afar, greeting you after your long leave. You smiled, and whilst running up to her, tried to continue the conversation with your younger sibling.

"Hey, Come here!"

"How are you?"

"Good, I missed you."

"I missed you too."

"Look at you, are you growing?"

"No."

Looking over, you see your mother standing by your family car.

"Hey," you yelled out to her, only to receive a small smile from her.

And with that. you knew it was your time to go.

"I'm very happy for you Y/n. You're about to start a brand-new chapter," Your mother says while driving you and your sister to school. You looked at her with a smile, then turned your attention back to the car window.

You had no intentions of staying clean. And yet, Jirou just moved into town.

"There's some new girl in town that I think you'll be friends with," Shoto said, with you standing beside him in his store.

"Who?"

"Shit, I don't know. She came in looking all punk rock and shit; So I'm thinking to myself, like, 'look like somebody Y/n would be friends with'."

Which was sort of a dead-on observation for Shoto, who's not normally revolving in the same direction as planet earth.

"So how long have you been back?" He asked.

"About five days."

"And how are you feeling?"

"I mean, ever since I gave my life over to my lord and savior Jesus Christ, things have been, like, really good."

"Word? That's what's up," You chuckled at his snarky remark, giving him a small smile.

"I'm fucking with you," you said whilst laughing, "It was a joke."

"Shit, hey, I don't judge," he defended, hands raising to just above his chest.

"But for real, is Deku in the back?"

"Are you serious?" Shoto questioned, seeming very disappointed in you.

"What, you think cause' I went to rehab I stayed clean?"

"I mean, ain't that the point?" he asks.

"Yeah, well, the world is coming to an end, and I haven't even graduated high school yet."

You gave Shoto one more smile before going to Deku, whilst Shoto stared at you the entire way there; There was a hint of sadness in his eyes, but since you were too busy looking for Deku, you didn't see.

You opened one of the doors of the refrigerators, leading you right to him with a bowl of fruit loops,"I thought your ass was dead," he said one he saw your appearance.

"And I thought you had Asperger's till I realized your just a prick," you barked back.

"This a fickle industry, y'all come and go. I'm just trying to stack my cash, pay off our mortgage," he said while pulling out a bunch of plastic bags out of a microwave.

"So what the fuck do you want?" You gave him a knowing look before he handed you needed.

"You sure you don't want to try something new?" He asks you.

"Like what?"

"2C-T-2, 2C-T-7, and 5-MeO-DIPT."

"I'm sorry I have no fucking idea of what you just said."

"It doesn't matter," he stated, "but this shit, is fucking lit."

"What is it?"

"N-diisopropyl-5-methoxytryptamine. It's a fast-acting psychedelic."

Got some similarities to LSD, but with, like, key differences. Not as visual as shit, but definitely a sense distorter.

"What's wrong?" That same dark purple hair girl questioned.

"I'm just so happy," you responded back.

"I don't know, this shits been going off in Tampa, and mad people like to fuck with this," Deku continued on with his descriptions with the drug.

"Okay. Yeah, why not."

"That'll be 120."

"Oh uh, Shoto said he'd spot me."

"Shoto doesn't spot nobody."

"Yeah, well, it's a post-rehab discount, so you should ask him."

"I will go ask him, cause' I know your full of shit."

Those were the last words he said before you walked out. Those were the last words you heard before you saw the same two boys in freshman year.

Bakugo and Kirishima.

TAGLIST: (send an ask or reply to add or remove) @urinejaeger, @saturxnn, @lv9su, @minnipe, @flamgosstuff, @lilrockzstar, @actfsgxcv, @lovebuggyboo, @russochild19, @iits-lexie, @mendez5657, @animatronicrat, @thirstygorl, @scrittynotfound, @pleaseleavemebelol, @thymebread, @cocojellie, @vxnanaaa-blog, @tn-johnson, @knotatwink, @hpttstears, @blackcatluna, @queennb-123, @nndntahg

All work is subject to copyright by © yeaimsapiyah as of 2024.

Do not steal, use or reupload my work without given permission or my consent. If so, you will either be blocked, removed, or reported.

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bunnakit · 12 days

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my stand in ep 4 thoughts, feelings, etc

WOW WA WE WAA THAT SURE WAS AN EPISODE HUH - happy to report i went back through the episode slowly this week and took notes and really tried to gather everything i wanted to say (but i will inevitably forget something)

🌸 ok disclaimers because i have a lot of them for this particular episode 🌸

i'm just a silly guy on the internet, i'm not an expert in mental health, psychology, body language, whatever. most days i can't even take care of myself. i'm just saying things recreationally.

PLEASE do not put novel spoilers in my replies, reblogs, or tags without a warning notice. i've got an itchy blocking finger for it these days.

i am treating ming and joe and everyone involved in this show as if they were real life human beings. ming was not born some mustache twirling villain sent from hell to make joe miserable. joe is not some pure angel descended from the clouds to do no wrong. everyone in this show exhibits very human behavior and that can be distressing under certain circumstances. i'm just going to comment on them as humans. i'm not interested in a round table discussion on why a character is irredeemable, the scum of the earth, etc. i'm just putting my thoughts out there and you can take them or leave them.

🌸 alright yucky disclaimer time over 🌸

the episode really just picks us back up where everything left off - and yet joe still made ming breakfast, and ming isn't stupid (well right now at least,) he knows something is off.

i am confused why tong needs to get married on this specific day. and like bro how fast are you getting married? relax. the whole thing is just unstoppable force (trajectory of this producers career) meets immovable object (tong's fuckass stubbornness) and the collateral damage is massive.

and then there's the question of did joe ever want to play a lead? or did he let his impulsiveness and hurt put a target on his back? (only emphasized by the fact that everyone assumed joe would turn down the role)

i DO apologize for all my doubt surrounding wut. he, ja, and may are the only people in this show with any god damn sense. maybe jojo and yim. we'll see.

getting into the confrontation at joe's work, i really don't think it's that surprising when we keep in mind ming genuinely has no fucking clue what is going on. all he knows is joe woke up, was acting weird, didn't come home, and then told him to pack up his shit and leave with ZERO explanation. like, joe's completely in the right, but i'd also be confused as fuck. (i wouldn't go to someone's work about it but, y'know, we know ming acts in extremes.)

and to me this is where it really became obvious that joe has always been able to overpower ming, to get away from him, as we have seen joe's physical prowess, we've seen what he's capable of, but he never uses his body to move ming away from him - that's not who joe is, he's not someone that would put his hands on another person like that. it's just another way ming and joe are the direct antithesis of each other.

it's my thought that the argument escalates because ming is used to getting everything he wants - except for tong, and now joe. when joe begins to push him away and deny him his substitution for tong i think ming lashes out in his hurt with a thought of "it's happening again, why doesn't anyone want me?"

i will say while i do believe sol has good intentions for the most part his white knighting is getting a little irksome. while convenient, it just shows how much he's still hovering and laying in wait for a chance with joe - he, too, is not respecting joe's wishes. no is a complete sentence, sol.

and then things continue back at home and joe finally, finally throws ming's words back at him: if i'm so terrible to be with, if you're so great, why are you wasting your time with me?

and ming doesn't have an answer. what ming DOES have is another back embrace, arms wrapped around joe as he asks "don't you love me anymore?" but is he asking joe or tong?

"although i'm not as good as tong" even now joe's rampant self worth issues are still at play but at least he finally knows he's worth more than whatever this is.

then the phone rings and to me, ming looks skittish. he looks shaken. he's never seen joe so angry and he's scared and as the call progresses that fear morphs into rage when sol calls joe. and the thing is, regardless of who played the main role, ming was never going to be happy. it was either going to be joe or tong playing opposite sol and neither of those things would have been acceptable.

and then i said, out loud, in my quiet office: OH! and promptly lost my shit in the group chat.

ming doesn't look wholly present after his act of violence. his face is vacant, like he isn't completely seeing or grasping what he's just done. i get the impression that ming isn't mentally well; stress and fear and anger have a way of making people do really fucking stupid things and as these things happen you risk falling into the sunk cost fallacy - you've already gone this far, you can't stop now - which all aligns with the obsessive behavior we've seen from ming in the past.

as joe wakes up and they talk once again joe doesn't blame ming, he blames himself for not seeing the writing on the walls even though it was written in invisible ink.

"all these times we were together did you ever love me?"

"you can't tell?"

again, so much of the blame and emotional responsibility of their situationship is put on joe and ming refuses to communicate any of his feelings, perhaps because he doesn't know how to after repressing everything for so long.

WE DIDN'T GET HOT KINKY CHAINED UP SEX THOUGH, WHY DOES GOD HATE ME SPECIFICALLY

but the way joe looks at ming as they linger there in the wake of joe's request looks like a goodbye, the way his eyes soak in every detail of ming's face. despite all of this and the nightmare it has turned into he did love ming, perhaps still does, and he does have some of those good memories he was so desperate to keep.

though like.. joe.... maybe we could consider a different career path??? instead of just jumping to risking our lives? like sure food service sucks, cashiering sucks, etc. but you aren't in danger of falling off any cliffs, you know? and let's be real, he could just go into modeling with those looks.

it's my impression that when ming calls joe he looks haggard, like he's lost numerous nights of sleep (and we really don't know how much time has passed) but either way it does seem like he's at least done some amount of reflecting. his voice comes across soft, subdued, and sincere.

and after everything, back in the present, we see ming. he's still in the apartment, desperately calling joe's name all these years later, still unable to sleep and waiting for joe to come home just like he asked him to years ago.

maybe ming never wanted to enter the entertainment industry before, but he has now. perhaps it was never for the attention or the money, maybe he chose to promote those watches because it was a reminder of the gift from joe. and maybe this job, in this specific industry, is the closest he can feel to joe now. and maybe with new influence and connections ming can find out why he was never able to tell joe he loved him before he lost him.

WHO KNOWS, NOT ME, CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT THO

#bunn meta #my stand in #my stand in the series #usersasa #clairedaring #i can never find a good place to mention it but in like ep 1 ming knows how joe takes his coffee #after just like 1 day with him so like ming IS paying attention and DOES care for joe #as we see reinforced with his little gifts and the way he went shopping with him and stuff #the things ming does to show his love and care are very blink and you'll miss it #and it's hard for me to squeeze in my thoughts on that between everything else going on

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redwiccanrobin · 2 months

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The problem with Trevor

Throughout my life I’ve been a fan of many different properties. And, as I’m a fan of them, I try my best to reach out and make some connections with people who share that interest. Along the way, I’ve come across many bad takes for many different things. Shameless (US) is one of those fandoms that have an assortment of bad takes in its space. For the most part, I’ve been able to address things and then move on. But, there’s been one take that has plagued me and driven me up the wall.

“People hate Trevor because he’s not toxic.”

This was something that was said to me to justify why some in the Shameless fandom didn’t vibe with Trevor. Not only do I find this an odd stance to take, it’s also just not correct. And I want to break down what is wrong with this statement.

But first, let me address something. Some of the hate towards Trevor is unwarranted. Some of the hate towards Trevor is unfair. And some of it is straight up transphobic. Those reasons are wrong, invalid, and will not be present in this analysis of mine and if I see it happening, I will block you. With that being said, I will go on to explain the valid reasons why I, and many others, do not enjoy Trevor as a character.

At first, I was inclined to like Trevor. He seemed nice enough (if a bit bland), gave representation to queer trans men (of which they have few), and he introduced Ian to the queer world. Why wouldn’t I like that? But, slowly, he started to bother me in many different ways. There was a pretentious element to him, an arrogance and rudeness that he showed in reference to Ian. There was a demand that Ian understand every facet of him but, in the same breath, refused to extend that back.

I tried to ignore these feelings out of guilt. I didn’t want to hate the trans character who was helping Ian to know his community. Then one scene struck me, made me angry. Monica had come back to town and Ian was uncomfortable and upset by her presence. He tried to voice these emotions to Trevor but, as I said, Trevor never tried to understand Ian’s feelings. He brushes Ian’s feelings aside and tells him he needs to get over it. Ian leaves with anger filling his veins. And never once did Trevor apologize for overstepping his bounds. Now, I will admit, the scene was a bit messy and Ian didn’t look very good himself. But that was my first true bitter taste for Trevor forming.

Still, I was determined to like him. That was, until I watched season 8.

Season 8 is a bit of a polarizing topic within the Shameless fandom. Some appreciate the decision to show the character’s less than desirable attributes unashamedly. Others feel it’s a bit too mean spirited. Whatever side of the fence you stand on though, a lot of people seem to agree that this is the season where it was abundantly clear how little Trevor cares about Ian’s wellbeing.

Throughout the season, it was abundantly clear that Ian was going through a manic episode. Ian becomes obsessive, angry, aggressive, downright cruel at some points. He is sinking and we are watching as everyone else turns a blind eye to his increasingly erratic behavior. Including Trevor.

Trevor, who has dedicated his life to those in trouble, offers no help to Ian in what is clearly a mental health crisis. In fact, for the majority of the season, Trevor sits back with a smirk on his face as Ian fights for his cause. He allows Ian to sink into his obsession, anger, aggression because it ultimately benefits him and what he cares for. Ian is walking closer and closer to the edge and those around him are choosing to not step in, not offer help. Instead, they wrinkle their noses in disgust and get angry at Ian for being in the way of their goals. And ultimately that is what happens with Trevor.

Slowly, Trevor begins to realize that Ian’s actions and behaviors are no longer reflecting well on his cause. There is also the ego bruise that Ian is now no longer focused on Trevor anymore which he voices to Fiona. He offers some hollow words about how he hopes that Ian is taking care of himself (ie; taking his medication). But I say hollow because when Ian finally breaks down and seeks out Trevor out of fear and exhaustion, Trevor offers him no help. He just rolls his eyes at Ian and accuses him of loving the growing attention (and hostility associated with that attention). He calls him selfish and then he walks away, leaving Ian feeling even more lost and tired. Ian was calling out for help in that scene and was instead scolded like he was a spoiled child throwing a fit at the supermarket. Shortly after this, Ian sets fire to a van and gets arrested. Trevor is never seen again.

I wanted to like Trevor. I wanted to be on Trevor’s side. I wanted to root for his relationship with him. I felt guilty whenever I cringed away from him. I felt like a hypocrite that his actions were affecting me in such a strong and visceral way when I can forgive other characters for the same. It took me months to finally admit to myself that I didn’t like Trevor. And I was truly heartbroken when I came to that conclusion.

The problem with Trevor is not that he is trans. The problem with Trevor is not that he’s not Mickey. The problem is that he was meant to be the solution. He was meant to be the better choice for Ian as opposed to Mickey. The Shameless writers did everything in their power to convince us that Trevor was kind, thoughtful, mature, and loved Ian. But more often than not he was shown to be petty, bitter, self righteous, and condescending beyond words. In the writers efforts to create a character that is supposed to be the definition of good they instead shone a light on his bad characteristics. For every act of kindness we would see him partake in there was him putting pressure on Ian to get into a relationship. There was the dismissal of Ian’s trauma and abuse. There was the lack of empathy when Ian was going through grief. There was the use of fat men to boost his ego. There was the benefiting from Ian’s declining mental health. And those things became harder to ignore when the writers seemed to be deep in denial about the cruelty they put in him. So, no. People don’t hate Trevor because he’s “not toxic.” People hate him because he’s not a good fit for Ian.

#shameless #shameless us #shameless meta #ian gallagher

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absurdthirst · 1 year

Text

Meet Me At Bill's Town {Joel Miller x F!Reader}

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 14.5k

Warnings: Post apocalyptic life, mentions of cancer, mentions of dying, open relationships, sex toys, fingering, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, unspoken feelings, death, suicide, loss, grief, oral sex (male receiving), shower sex. No physical description of reader but there is a hair washing scene.

Includes Spoilers for Episode 1x03

Comments: When Bill & Frank take you in to help care for Frank in his declining health, you meet Joel. Making you wish you had what the two men have together with him.

Co-written with @storiesofthefandomlovers

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Click Keep Reading only if you have read the Rating and Warnings and understand the warnings may not be complete to avoid listing spoilers. As AO3 says 'creator chooses not to use warnings'. You also agree that you're the right age to be consuming anything here.

“Shit!” You’re in a fucking pit. Panic wells up in your throat as you pause to do a mental check on your body. Nothing seems broken, although your wrist is sprained from falling. Why the fuck would FEDRA dig a goddamn pit? And wasn’t the QZ farther into Boston? You could swear that’s what you had heard. Yet you had seen barbed wire fencing and obvious traps for the infected and hurried towards salvation. Now, now you think you’re fucked. Climbing gingerly to your feet, you stare up at the top of the hole warily. “He-hello?” You don’t yell, you don’t know who you might encounter but you don’t want them immediately shooting thinking you’re one of them. “Is anyone up there?”

Bill tentatively approaches the pit, rifle aimed and ready, and he asks who the fuck you are. “I’m just looking for the Boston QZ.” You hold your hands up towards him.

He narrows his eyes, “you’re a long ways from there. It’s miles away. At least a day of walking. You FEDRA?” He narrows his eyes at your badge.

“No. No. I’m a nurse.” You announce, “I was told they needed nurses at the Boston QZ. I- I just wanted a new start.”

Hearing that you’re a nurse has Bill grabbing the ladder. “One move and you’re dead.” He warns, watching you walk up a few steps and he presses the tester he has on his belt against your neck. You barely flinch, used to the device and Bill is relieved when he sees its green. “What’s your name?” He asks and you tell him. “You hungry?” He asks and you snort, “fucking starving.” Bill nods, “good. Frank is just making lunch.” He helps you out and your eyes widen as you make your way through the gates into a town.

“Holy shit.” You whisper. “It’s a fucking town.” You frown when you don’t see others walking around, but you just assume they are inside the other buildings. “I- What’s your name?” You ask, making him swing around towards you suspiciously but you just hold up your hands. This man is obviously someone who doesn’t trust easily and you understand it given the circumstances. Another couple of steps go by before he finally speaks.

“Bill.” He tells you, turning back around as he leads you towards one of the larger, more stately homes in the blocked off zone. It’s gorgeous, something you would have dreamed of buying before the world went to hell.

“Wow.” You murmur, wondering if he had lived here before or just taken over. “You have a beautiful home.”

“Thanks.” Bill replies, a little awkward as he guides you into his home.

“Bill?” Frank calls out from the kitchen.

“We got a guest.” Bill shouts back. “Drop your stuff there.” Bill orders, pointing to the hallway and you drop your pack and follow him into the kitchen, his rifle still in his hand. The food smells delicious and Frank smiles at you when you walk in.

“You got a live one?” Frank teases and you are instantly at ease with his friendly smile.

“She’s a nurse.” Bill says, offering Frank a pointed look.

You frown, noticing the slightly gaunt look in Frank, the tremble in his hand. “He’s sick.” You declare and Bill nods, making Frank sigh.

“Yeah. I’m - It’s getting worse.” He confesses and you nod, “cancer?” You guess and you hear Bill swallow harshly, a distant look in his eyes.

“There’s no cure but I’m happy to be here.” Frank says, still moving around and able to live a relatively good life with the pain pills they get in.

“Right.” You nod, knowing that he’s trying to keep his head high for Bill, there’s clearly something between them.

“Lunch is ready. Go wash up. Bill, show her the downstairs bathroom.” Frank orders, wanting to change the subject and you let Bill guide you down the hall, his rifle lowered but still in his hand.

“You have running water?” You ask in awe and Bill nods, “hot too.” You practically choke on your surprise.

“Fuck, a hot shower.” You practically moan it and look back towards Bill searchingly. “I- I can be done in five minutes?” You offer, knowing that you won’t have clean clothes to put on, but you would love the opportunity to get clean for the first time in forever.

Bill sighs but nods. “Yeah.” He agrees, rolling his eyes because he knows Frank will chastise him if he isn’t a ‘gracious host’. As if you were here for a scheduled visit. “I can find you some clothes to wear.” The bedroom is now Bill and Franks, since it’s easier to get him into bed here rather than carrying him up the stairs on his bad days. “I’ll put them on the bed.” Once he’s said that, he’s turning and fleeing down the hall to talk to Frank, leaving you in the room to strip down and get in the shower.

“Hey sweetheart.” Frank greets Bill when he comes into the kitchen, that damn rifle still in hand.

“She’s a nurse, Frank. She can help you.” Bill says to Frank, “unless she’s lying but you could have a chance.”

Frank sighs, turning towards Bill to place his hands on his chest. “I’m dying, Bill. We gotta accept that. There was no cure for this shit before and now…I can’t even get an MRI. She can help monitor me but what else can she do? I- I like her. Might be nice to have a woman around the house, someone else to talk to. I love you but it’s been twenty years…we have run out of topics.” Frank teases Bill who rolls his eyes.

You try to keep to your word. Moaning under the hot spray of the water, you close your eyes while dirt and filth swirls down the drain. Wondering how the hell they got so lucky, how they’ve kept this place safe. You scrub every inch of your skin and even your hair, though it will be a mess to dry. Being clean is more important right now. When you come out, there are clean clothes on the bed, folded neatly. An oversized pair of sweats and a t-shirt, obviously men’s but they are clean and you quickly dress before wrapping your head in the towel and opening the door to find them.

Frank has the best china on the table and Bill is rolling his eyes as he waits for you to appear. When you do, looking a bit cleaner, he keeps his gun in hand as he gestures for you to sit down. “You did this with Joel and look how that turned out. Put the gun away.” Frank rolls his eyes as he brings in the lunch.

Your eyes widen when you see chicken. You don’t remember the last time you had chicken. “What the hell is this place?” You ask, eyes wide and it’s like heaven.

“Our home.” Bill grumbles, watching you as you bite your lip and barely resist the urge to tear into the plate the moment it’s set in front of you. “I could have served it.” He huffs to Frank but the other man just turns and tuts at him.

“I am still doing things as I am able.” He tells his partner before he smiles at you. “I’m afraid we don’t have any chardonnay but I do have a good Pinot Noir that will be delicious with it.” He turns to Bill. “Go get the bottle of Pinot.” He orders, making Bill sigh and pick up his gun to bring with him into the kitchen to get the bottle of wine.

“I can’t believe you have wine at all.” You murmur in amazement.

Frank smiles at you, remembering the first time he came here and Bill served him rabbit and Beaujolais. Man has always known how to serve wine. “We have been extremely lucky. Bill was a prepper and knew what to do when shit hit the fan. He took me in twenty years ago and I’ve been here ever since.” You sense there’s a relationship there but you don’t know to what extent.

“That’s amazing.” You say with sincerity. Frank was lucky to have found Bill and you know it’s going to be hard to leave here about a glass of wine. Bill comes back in with the bottle, eyes still wary of you and he expertly pours you a glass.

“To new friends.” Frank toasts when you all have a glass. Bill meets you gaze as you hold your glass up towards him and take a sip.

“So Frank,” you turn to the obviously younger man and smile softly. “When did you feel the change in your appetite or your health?” You want to give him as much care as you possibly can since they have let you clean up and are feeding you such a wonderful meal.

“It was about a year ago.” Frank admits, glancing over at where Bill squirms in his seat. “He doesn’t like to talk about it, but I have days where it’s hard to stand, to walk. But today is a good day.”

Bill sighs, “we talked. We, uh, we want you to stay here. I need help with Frank, I need your knowledge to help care for him.” Bill says and you can tell that it’s hard for him to admit. Frank shakes his head, reaching for Bill’s hand.

“You want me to stay…” You process the incredible news until your cynicism catches up. “What else do you want? You want me to fuck you both?” You have had plenty of offers to be taken care of in exchange for your body. You haven’t allowed anyone to take advantage of you like that and you’ll be damned if you let them just because they live in a Mecca.

“Oh honey, no. We only fuck each other.” Frank smirks and Bill blushes, ducking his head and you chuckle.

“Okay. Well, I want to stay. I do. I want to help you.” You tell them, knowing that you’d be a fool to leave this place.

****

Staying with Bill and Frankie was how you met them. Joel and Tess. They were a unit, maybe a couple. You couldn’t tell. Coming at arranged times to meet and trade goods, pass information. They had been shocked to see you there, but you had understood. It was unusual to see someone else with the couple, but your job of helping to take care of Frank was important. They had brought you some medications that you wanted to help ease his pain, offer some relief and hopefully extend his quality of life for a few years.

You can’t deny the attraction to Joel, even though you know it wouldn’t happen. He’s hot though and it’s been a long time since you’ve seen a man who isn’t in a long term relationship with the only other man around. Their commitment to each other was sweet and complete. It didn’t help that you often found Joel staring at you while they were here, trying to figure out where you fit.

One day, Joel arrives alone, and you immediately ask where Tess is. "She had shit to deal with." He declares without further explanation. You know Joel isn't one for lengthy conversations. He is a man of few words but those words are concrete. He is similar to Bill, focused on surviving and he will kill anyone who dares to take what belongs to him. You help Frank prepare the lunch, his hands shaking a little more nowadays, and Bill shows Joel the new stuff he managed to find. Joel has more pain pills and information to exchange.

"Joel came alone." Frank says softly and you focus on peeling the potato.

"And?" You retort, making Frank snort.

"We both know how you feel about him." You sigh, setting the peeler down, "and we both know he doesn't feel the same way." Frank doesn't respond to that, deciding to offer a hum as a reply that has your heart sinking. Joel is with Tess, he loves Tess. He lives in the QZ with Tess. It would never happen, no matter how many times you imagine it late at night. "Lunch is ready!" You call out eventually, the salad is washed and plated up along with the dressing you made with the oil Bill pressed a few months ago.

Joel shakes his head when he sits down at the table. “You constantly surprise me.” He tells Frank and sends you a small smirk. “You too.” He adds before nodding at Bill.

The two men understood one another but the lightness of the relationship came from Tess and Frank. You were a new addition and interesting to him. Tess’s words echo in his head. ‘I don’t care if you fuck her, Joel. Do what you want. Just don’t get her pregnant. That’s the last thing we need.’ He picks up his fork and spears a potato. “What do you guys need?” He asks, looking around the table. There are always things that he can get in the QZ for you or he would scout it out if he had to, it was worth the items that he could get from Bill or just the fact that he has a person he could count on if shit hit the fan again.

"Well, she needs a sex toy so see if you can find a dildo or vibrator around the QZ. Still in packaging, of course." Frank says and you choke on the Chardonnay.

"Jesus, Frank. Gonna kill the poor girl." Bill shakes his head and Frank shrugs, "what? She hasn't been laid since before she got here. It's been months for her and she ain't gonna get it from us." Frank argues with Bill and your jaw drops, unable to even look at Joel.

“Oh my God.” Your cheeks feel like the surface of the sun but you hear a raspy, rough chuckle. Unable to even see if it was Joel, although you think it was. “I’m fine.” You insist but Frank tuts.

“By hand is never fun.” He insists, well aware that he is poking you, and Joel, if he would admit it. You need to get laid and he feels like Joel would fuck you right.

Joel smirks at your mortified expression and how you refuse to look at him. “I’ll see what I can find. Any preference?” He asks, cock twitching in his jeans. “Size, hole?”

Frank decides to push it even further, looking at Joel while you stare at the table cloth. "Whatever you think is closest to yours."

You want the earth to open up and swallow your whole. "I, uh, I forgot the, um, salt and pepper." You lie and sprint into the kitchen to get away from the men around the table.

"Jesus Christ, Frank." Bill shakes his head at his partner, unable to believe he had come out and said that.

“What? I’m sure he’s got a nice sized dick. Tess seems impressed.” Joel’s brows are up and he is watching the doorway that you disappeared through. It’s obvious Frank knows something that he doesn’t, but it’s easy enough to guess. He grunts and looks back down at his own plate.

“Sure thing.” He answers, before he takes another bite of his food. He won’t seek you out now, knowing you will be too embarrassed to talk to him. He’ll wait until later and then have the conversation that is apparently due.

You finally gather the nerve to head back into the dining room. “It, uh, salt and pepper was already on the table.” You mumble, unable to meet Joel’s eyes as the three men watch you sit down. Your cheeks burn still and your stomach twists, hating how your crush has been revealed like that. Still, Frank was just trying to help you out in his own way.

“I was thinking we could try some watercolors later.” Frank says, taking pity on you.

“Oh, uh, yeah. We can do that. Sick of the oils?” You tease, knowing you’ve nearly run out but you have been painting with Frank in the afternoons to help his tremors.

“Absolutely.” Frank playfully rolls his eyes and Joel frowns, confused until Bill explains.

“Frank wanted to learn how to paint and this one here used to be an artist while juggling nursing school so she knows her shit. I get the supplies and we are nearly out of oils.” Bill explains to Joel who is nearly finished with his food.

“Nice.” Joel makes note of that, thinking he can see about finding some more oil paints when he is scavenging. It’s not like art supplies are an in demand item. He finishes up his food and wipes his mouth, leaning back. “Frank, Bill, it was delicious like always.” He compliments, wondering if you will ever look at him again as you stare down at your plate.

“Thank you, Joel.” Frankie smiles and tilts his head at him. “Why couldn’t Tess come?” He asks, sure that she would come this time again. “You never said what she was busy with.”

Joel shrugs, “she met some guy who came from the Baltimore QZ. Been traveling for years to find somewhere and she, uh, hit it off with him. Decided to stay behind and I didn’t wanna third wheel.” He admits, looking at you but you avoid his gaze. Tess was with another man? That makes you frown but you don’t say anything, wondering how Joel feels about that.

Thankfully, Frank never beats around the bush. “And he’s her friend? Or is it…?” He trails off, wanting Joel to explain.

“As in, I wasn’t going to watch them fuck, or get into bed with them.” Joel shrugs and reaches for his wine glass. “We don’t own each other.” He takes a sip and sets the glass down. “We’re together when we are, we do what we want when we aren’t.” It wouldn’t make sense in the pre-Outbreak world, but that time no longer exists and it doesn’t matter anymore. He wasn’t going to stop Tess from grasping what little happiness she could because Joel couldn’t fully commit. Not completely. Both of them knew it and she understood better than anyone else. His eyes meet yours briefly before he looks back at Frank. “Any other questions?”

Frank shakes his head, smirking at the directness of Joel, so similar to Bill. Gruff and deadly but the right person could mellow them. “No. That’s all.” Frank replies demurely and you try to not act like your ears pricked up. Tess and Joel were lovers but not committed. Pre-Outbreak you would’ve avoided getting in the middle of that like the plague, but a fucking plague has happened and Joel is your only current option to feel something other than your own touch.

“I’ll clean up the dishes.” You offer, standing up to grab your plate, taking Bill and Frank’s and Joel hands his to you, fingers brushing yours and you hate how good it felt, just that simple touch.

“You should help, Joel.” Frank hums, making Bill sigh softly at his lover’s meddling. “Bill.” Frank hisses and nods towards the door.

“What- oh, uh, yeah.” Bill chimes in reluctantly. “You ate a free meal. Clean up, you mooch.” He grumbles at Joel, socially awkward as usual but it’s enough to make Joel smirk and shake his head.

“Alright.” He huffs, getting to his feet and grabbing the wine glasses to bring into the kitchen.

You turn to see Joel carrying the wine glasses into the kitchen and you focus on washing off the plates. “I, uh, I’m sorry about Frank. He worries about me. Thinks I need someone like Bill to look after me but I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself. Survived before I arrived here.” You justify yourself and Joel leans over you to place the wine glass in the sink. His body nearly pressed against you but you can feel the heat of his form, his breath ghosting along your neck as he exhales.

“So you don’t want me to find you a toy that’s the size of my dick?” He asks, amused and completely aware that you’ve frozen with a plate in your hand. “Or that I shouldn’t think about making you scream loud enough to annoy Bill and make Frank clap when I come downstairs tomorrow?” He was spending the night, taking his time to go back to the QZ so that he didn’t travel at night. “Because that would be….disappointing.”

You inhale sharply, his words making your cunt clench and your entire body nearly vibrates with the need for him to follow through on his words. He’s made his desires clear, now it’s time for you to do the same. You spin around, pressing yourself against him and he instinctively pushes you back against the sink. “What if I want both? The toy for when you’re not here and tonight so I can remember how you felt inside me while I screamed your name?” You challenge him with your head tilted towards his, daring him to do what you’ve dreamed of for so damn long.

Joel smirks, his hands finding your waist as he leans in. Pressing his lips to yours in a rough combination of need and frustration boiling over. He’s wanted you, of fucking course he has. He’s just never acted on it since Tess was with him and even if it was okay, he hadn’t felt right about it. Guilty. Right now he’s not thinking about feeling guilty or Tess as his tongue slides into your mouth as soon as you open up for him with a small moan. Tasting the chicken along with the spices it had been cooked in and the wine it was served with from your tongue. Hands squeezing your hips before he slides them around to cup your ass and pull you against him and his hardening cock.

You gasp into his mouth, reaching up to tangle your fingers in his hair like you’ve imagined so many times. You tug on the salt and pepper locks and he groans into your mouth, tongue exploring while his fingers knead your ass. “Upstairs.” You manage to mumble into his mouth, not wanting Bill and Frank to walk in on you fucking Joel in the kitchen. You’re on the precipice of it and if you don’t move now, you’ll let him have you anywhere he wants.

“I need-” He breaks off to kiss you again. “Fuck, I need to clean up.” He’s grimy, sweaty. The shower he had been planning on lingering in is a necessity but he will run through it as fast as possible. Pulling away, he pants slightly. “I’m gonna get in the shower.” He tells you roughly, eyes dark. “I want you naked when I get out.”

You nod, knowing he will want to clean up and you wouldn’t mind a moment to prepare yourself either. “Go shower. I’ll be waiting on my bed for you.” You kiss his jaw, dishes abandoned as you spin out of his arms, offering him a wink before you sprint upstairs to get ready for him. You’ve waited months for this. You strip down and clean up in your bathroom, grabbing the bottle of perfume Frank had gifted you for your birthday and you spritz it on, checking your hair and grabbing some lip balm Bill had made from the beeswax for you. You exhale shakily once you’re ready, struggling to find the right position to lay on the bed while you wait for Joel to shower.

In the shower, Joel exhales slowly. The thing with Tess is comfortable, easy, because she knows the darkest parts of him, she’s participated in some of them. There’s no need to talk about it, about the past. You’re different. You still have a sense of hope that hasn’t been beaten down. He focuses on washing himself, his cock hardening as he wraps his soapy fist around it and makes sure that he's clean. Wanting to make sure you don’t regret this.

When the door to your room opens, you inhale shakily, crossing your ankles as you lean back against your pillows, naked and wet with anticipation waiting for Joel. He walks in, hair wet and slicked back, and a towel wrapped around his waist, tented with his arousal and you swear you’ve died and gone to heaven then and there. Scars are scattered on his skin from near misses, the one on his hand hidden as he clenches his fist when his dark eyes settle on you after he shuts the door behind him.

His eyes drink in the sight of your naked body and he exhales roughly. “Bill and Frank don’t have any condoms, do they?” Joel jokes, knowing that they don’t but it’s going to be hard to keep from busting too soon once he slides inside you.

“I don’t think so.” You frown slightly and he nod..

“Spread your legs.” He orders. “I want to see you cunt.”

You obey, unable to deny this man anything he wants. Your heart pounds in your chest and you grip the sheets beneath you as you spread your legs to display your already wet cunt to his dark gaze. The towel is barely hanging around his waist when his cock hardens even more and you desperately want to rip it off of him.

“Shit.” He hisses, shaking his head as he steps closer. “Fucking pretty cunt.” His fingers reach out to stroke your ankle. “When was the last time you were fucked?” He wants to know so he doesn’t hurt you if it’s been awhile. He’s rough but he wants to make it good for you. “Really fucked and not just your fingers buried in your pretty cunt?”

“About six months before I arrived here. I- I had a friend I was traveling with and we would - it had benefits but he got infected. I had to kill him.” You explain, lost in the memory for a moment but you know Joel understands. “It’s been a long time.” You confess breathily, enjoying his fingers caressing your calf and back down to your ankle.

Joel hums, nodding his understanding and he moves to kneel on the bed. His towel opens, breaking the tuck at the waist and falls off of him. Leaving his body exposed and his cock bobs as he climbs on the bed with you. “Then I need to make sure you cum on my fingers first.” He decides, sliding his hand higher and squeezing your thigh. “You want that? My fingers curled up in your cunt while I suck on your tits?”

You nod, a little speechless from how fucking big his cock is. He’s long and you know enough that it’s going to punch you in the guts with each thrust. You whimper when his fingers explore higher, “please Joel. I need you. Anyway you want. I’m yours.” You promise him, knowing that might scare him away but you hope he understands that you mean in body, not necessarily heart and soul.

It’s been a long time since he’s touched someone who wasn’t Tess. Thought about it, but never actually pulled the trigger. Too used to the familiarity he supposes. But right now, he wants to touch you. Groaning quietly as he slides his hand between your thighs and flips his wrist around, coming to hover over you and kisses your lips while he pushes one, then two fingers inside your cunt.

His fingers are already better than yours, thicker and stretching you out, he curls them within a couple of pumps and you moan into his mouth when his thumb presses against your clit. “Fuck baby. That - keep doing that.” You sigh, closing your eyes and you reach up to caress his shoulders, strong and wide from carrying the world on them. You want him to relax, caressing his upper arms and kissing his jaw while he works his fingers inside of you.

It’s probably the laziest he’s been in bed for a long time. Or at least, the most sober. He groans, ducking his head down and wrapping his lips around one of your nipples to bite down on the tip before sucking on it. He loves you moans, your whimpers and the little gasp you gave when he bit you, making him do it again.

He’s everywhere and nowhere, it’s enough and yet you want more. His fingers scissor inside of you whine he bites on your nipple and you are whining his name, loud enough that Bill and Frank would hear if they were directly downstairs. “Fuck Joel.” You want to touch him so you slide your hands down his chest, wrapping your fingers around his cock.

Joel hisses against your tit, hips rocking forward at the sensation of your hand around him. “Fuck.” His fingers curl up, pumping into your cunt harder. Determined to open you up so he can fuck you and he needs to be inside you now. “Oh fuck, baby, you want my cock inside you, don’t you?” He groans when he feels your walls fluttering around his fingers like you are going to cum. “Want me to fuck you?”

You whine, words escaping you for a moment until they come back and you are squeezing his cock in your grip. “Yes. Yes. Wanted it for so long. Imagined it so many times. Please Joel. Fuck me. I- oh shit. Shit.” You choke on your own breath as you cum, clamping down around his fingers and you soak his digits with the first orgasm you’ve had by someone else in forever.

He groans as he works you through it, cock throbbing and leaking against your thigh as he pumps fingers in and out of you furiously. Pulling off your breast to crush his lips to yours when you cry out his name one last time before you slump back to the bed, panting. “Good girl.” He moans, pulling his fingers out and shuffling to his knees so he can wrap his hand around his cock and smear your cum on it. “Are you ready?”

“I’ve been ready since the moment I met you.” You confess, looking up at him in awe and your heart pounds in your chest while you admire his face. “Fuck me, Joel.” You demand.

That is all he needs to hear. Edging closer, Joel takes a second to swipe the head of his cock through your folds and nudges it with your clit. Smirking when you while and roll your hips down. “Gotta wait.” He teases, sliding down to your entrance and positioning himself before he rocks forward and pushes inside just a bare inch. Enough that the head slides inside you before he is covering your body with his and rolling his hips to slowly fill you.

“Oh God.” You pant, head tilted back into the pillow as his cock pushes deep and stretches you out. “Oh God. Joel. Fuck.” You pant, wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him closer, your tits pressed against his chest and you kiss his neck and jaw.

Joel moans out your name, closing his eyes at the hot, tight glove of your cunt around him. “Shit, just - just give me a second.” He pants out, dropping down to his elbow and clenching his fist as he tries to keep from wrecking you right now. You need a second and if he moves too quickly, it’s going to be over.

“Take your time.” You hum, enjoying how he feels inside of you and you stroke his back, feeling how tense he is while he allows you time to adjust to his cock. “You feel so damn good.” You sigh, the sting of the stretch subsiding.

Joel groans, unable to keep still any longer. “Hold onto me.” He grunts out, pulling his hips back as he watches you, smirking slightly before he slams back into your tight cunt to start a breathtaking pace.

“Oh fuck!” You yelp, unable to believe how fucking deep he hits when his hips slam against your ass after you wrap your legs around his hips. “Oh my God.” You choke when he begins to fuck you, hard and fast, stealing your breath away with every punch into your guts.

“Fuck.” He hisses, the muscles in his arms straining and bulging as he holds himself up so that he can fuck you. Immediately the bed starts hitting the wall at the same pace that his hips drive down, filling you up. “Fuck- fuck, you- you’re so t-tight.” He groans, loving how you’re taking him and clawing at his back for more.

The headboard is hitting the wall and you would be mortified to know that Frank is waggling his eyebrows at Bill while Bill shakes his head, but you feel too good to care. Joel keeps the pace steady and you gasp in response every time he pushes deep. “So- so good. You’re so big. Feels like - fuck- like you’re in my goddamn stomach.” You pant, struggling to keep your eyes open so you can see the way his jaw clenches and his muscles tense and flex under the strain.

Joel growls, ramping up his pace to fuck you even faster. The praise just makes him want to go harder. Especially because every time he punches deep your nails bite into his shoulder and he likes the pain. This pain is acceptable, he loves it. Joel leans down and bites your bottom lip sharply before he slides his tongue into your mouth, grunting into you with every thrust.

You cling to him, rocking your hips up to meet his thrusts and when he grabs your leg and pushes it back into your stomach, you’re sent over the edge. “Oh fuck. Oh fuckkkkk.” You squeal, clamping down on his cock and you soak him with your cum while your fingers dig into his shoulders, your head pressing back into the pillow as he pushes you into the best orgasm you’ve had in years.

Joel slows his pace down, rocking his hips slowly as he works you through it, amazed how you just soaked him. “Shit.” He pulls out of you and grabs your hips to flip you over onto your stomach. “Gonna fuck you even harder now.” He promises, pushing back inside you again with a groan. “Fuck you’re so fucking wet right now.”

“Oh fuck, Joel. Baby. Oh my fucking God.” You rock back onto his cock, head dropping between your shoulders as he continues the same pace. His cock pushes even deeper in this position and his hips slam against your ass. Pushing you up the bed, you have to reach out and wrap your fingers around the slates in the headboard to steady yourself.

“That’s it.” Joel hisses, gritting his teeth and digging his fingers into your hips to hold onto you as tight as he can as he drives into you again and again. “Fuck, want- rub- rub your-” He cuts himself off with a groan, wanting you to cum again before he does. “Fuuuuuuuck.”

You follow his orders, letting go of the headboard to push your hand under you, the angle is awkward but you manage to rub your clit. "Shit. Keep going. Right there. Right there!" You shriek when Joel hits the right spot inside of you. Your hand aches a little but you push yourself over the edge, clamping down on his cock for the second time.

“Shit.” Joel barely rocks into you once more before he’s losing control. Pulling his hips back and ripping free of your spasming cunt. Barely wrapping his hand around his cock before he’s cumming. Shooting ropes of cum onto your ass and up your back as he groans out your name, pouring himself out in shuddering spasms of pleasure.

You pant, trying to catch your breath, and you rest your head on the pillow beneath you. “That was - that was better than I imagined it and I have imagined it a lot.” You admit breathlessly, smiling into the sheets as Joel’s cum starts to cool on your skin.

Joel grunts, barely able to catch his breath as he shuffles off the bed to grab his towel to wipe up his cum off your back. “Glad that I didn’t disappoint.” He chuckles as he cleans off your skin and rolls up the towel to throw it on the floor. His shit needed to get washed and he would throw it in there with it. He comes back over and nudges you over to get into the bed beside you.

You shift, letting him lay down on the bed beside you and you shift to snuggle into his side. You feel him tense so you kiss his chest and move slowly to get away from him but he wraps his arm around you and pulls you into his side. “I’d kill for a smoke right now.” You confess and he chuckles, “can get you some.” You shake your head at the offer, “cancer sticks. Not worth it when I’ve made it this far in this shitty existence. Thank God I found Bill and Frank. Mind you, I was heading to the Boston QZ. Reckon we would’ve met if I had gotten there?”

“Probably not.” Joel answers honestly. “You would be…put in a different zone.” His fingers start to trail up and down your arm and he frowns up at the ceiling. “You’re pretty, gorgeous. You wouldn’t be put to work in the broken down sections of the city. You would be up in the better kept areas. One of the leaders ‘nurses’ or some shit.” He scoffs. “You’d only treat their stuffy noses and hangovers.”

“Maybe I would’ve treated you after you came back hurt. You never know. They might’ve assigned me to a different zone.” You trace one of the scars on his chest. “Mind you…you’ve had Tess to nurse you back to health.” You murmur, remembering the woman he shares the majority of his life with. You can’t be jealous, you can’t compete with her so you don’t try to. You know what this is between you and Joel.

“Tess nurses herself.” Joel snorts. “Poorly.” He finds a scar on the back of your shoulder blade and he traces it lightly with a finger. “I’m the one patching shit up, so it would be nice to be nursed for once.” He smirks and looks down at you with a raised brow. “You kiss boo boos to make them feel better too?”

"Only when my patient is sexy." You retort with your own smirk and his chuckle makes your stomach twist.

"Sexy." Joel scoffs, "I'm old now." He shakes his head, not knowing when that happened.

He sighs and you frown, sitting up slightly so you can look at him, "don't be ridiculous. You're sexy now." You can't believe he doesn't think he's hot.

He rolls his eyes at you, pulling you close. “And your eyesight is going.” He huffs, unable to resist kissing you one more time.

“You are.” You insist.

“Okay, okay, I’m old sexy, how about that?” He jokes, enjoying the way you sputter at him. It is lighthearted and he likes that.

You hum in contentment, "I'll take it." He chuckles and you kiss his chest, "you want something to drink? Bill has a bottle of Jack he hides that he doesn't think I know about. I'll go get it." You peck him lips and shift to get out of bed.

"Stay here. Tell me where it is and I'll get it." He insists and you nod, telling him where the bottle is hidden. He grabs the robe off of the back of your door and you giggle when it hits him on the upper thigh. He grumps at you, shaking his head, and you smirk, watching him sneak out of your room. He makes his way downstairs, cautious of Bill and Frank hanging around, and he opens the linen closet to find the bottle when he hears a throat clear.

He turns to see Frank standing there, a cheeky grin on his face, "you fuck her good?"

Joel straightens up, knowing he looks ridiculous in the robe with nothing else underneath. “What do you think?” He asks. “You heard it.”

Frankie hums, nodding at that obvious statement. “Sure did. Lot of “oh fucks” scattered through the banging of the headboard.” His grin drops for a moment and he levels a serious look at Joel. “Don’t hurt her, she’s a good girl.” He warns Joel and nods towards the closet. “It’s in the shoebox on the right.” He tells him before he turns around to slowly walk away and leaves Joel to stare after him for a moment, pondering his words.

When Joel returns with the whiskey, you are still naked and looking out of the window to the greenhouse you've been working on with Bill to grow some oranges. Boston isn't known for its hot weather during the winter months so you've been nurturing them. "Oh good, you found it." You smile, walking over to him and you take the bottle from his hand, taking a swig. "It's the good stuff." You tell him, handing it back to him.

“The good stuff huh?” Joel shakes his head and takes a swig of the liquor. “It seems like that’s all Bill and Frank have.” It’s always amazed him that the two men’s lives had improved through all of this in a major way. Finding love; real, deep love. He could see it in the way they treated each other. “They are lucky.”

"They are. They found something that seems to be destroyed in this new world: love. It's beautiful to watch, even if Bill is a miserable bastard, he shows Frank his love in so many ways." You sigh, sitting down on the bed, "it's why I'm here. Bill kept me here to look after Frank, otherwise he probably would've killed me."

“He would kill me too.” Joel huffs. “Although the first time we came here, I thought he was going to kill Frank.” He jokes. “He invited us without telling Bill until it was too late.”

"Shit. Frank was testing the limits there." You giggle, shifting to lay down against the pillows. "You've exhausted me, Miller. Come take a nap. Bill said about cooking rabbit tonight so he will help with dinner." You sigh, shifting to grab the blanket from the foot of the bed.

Joel sets down the bottle after taking another swing of it, knowing that he should put his clothes back on, but he can’t resist the lure of laying next to you for a bit. Climbing into bed with you and pulling you into his arms, Joel closes his eyes and tries not to react when you snuggle against him again. He’s not good at this.

****

Joel leaves the next morning after spending the night in your bed. Another round of sex and an awkward dinner where Bill refused to meet anyone’s eyes and Frank couldn’t stop smirking and waggling his eyebrows. Joel just winked at you and carried on eating the rabbit. After dinner, he fucked you again and left you passed out in your bed this morning. When you wake up, you expect him to be there but the spot he fell asleep in is empty and so is the feeling in your stomach. He didn’t even say goodbye. You can’t be mad, you’re lucky you got to have him for a day, but you want more. Now you’ve experienced him, you want more of him and you know that’s not fair to ask. With a sigh, you shift out of bed and get ready for the day, the ache between your legs the only reminder of Joel Miller.

“Why the fuck are you doing this, Miller?” Joel gripes to himself, eyes swiveling around as he cautiously approaches the building. He had thought about this place when Frank’s request had been mentioned and figured he could scope it out before he went back to the QZ. “A fucking toy.” He slowly approaches the building and opens the shattered glass door, listening for anything moving inside. The neon lights of the adult store are long since dead and the dusty racks aren’t pillaged, his theory of no one needing a fucking dildo at the end of the world was accurate. Although he could probably sell them in the QZ. The light from his bag shines on the displays and he shakes his head, grunting to himself as he looks at shape and size with a more critical eye than he looks at his own dick. Finally finding one that would meet the criteria and pulling it off the hanging rack and shoving it in his bag. You better appreciate this, even though Joel’s cock twitches at the idea of using it on you himself.

****

When Joel arrives back at Bill and Frank’s you’re surprised. Hearing the gate open and close, you hear Bill call out that Joel is back and you try to control yourself, inhaling deeply. Frank, who just happens to be beside you, chuckles and lowers his paint brush. “Go say hello.” He orders and you nod, knowing you have paint on your jeans but you don’t care as you open the front door to see Joel standing there.

“Back so soon?” You greet him with a teasing smile.

Joel snorts and tilts his head. “Bill didn’t tell you I would be back?” He asks, not surprised that the old bastard didn’t. He swings his back around and taps the zipper. “I’ve got something here that you - well Frank - wanted.” He chuckles, smirking at you. “I think it’s the size of my dick, but I’ll let you be the judge.”

Your eyes widen, “you got it?” You don’t know why you doubted him, he can source nearly everything, but you didn’t think sex toys would be a common commodity. You glance behind you, “Bill and Frank are both busy. Come upstairs. I wanna see it and compare.” You reach for his hand to practically drag him into the house and up the stairs to your bedroom.

Joel chuckles and follows you. “Packaging is dirty, and I’d clean it first, but yeah.” He hears Bill and Frank murmuring downstairs but ignores it to follow you into your room. “Strip down.” He tells you. “I’ll go wash it.” His cock is already hardening in his jeans and he wants to see how you look with your cunt lips stretched around it, carrying that image with him when he goes back to Boston.

You moan softly to yourself as he walks into the bathroom, “scissors are in the drawer.” You tell him and you eagerly strip off, paint stained jeans pushed into the corner, and you lay down on the bed just like you did the first time he touched you. When he comes back into the room, the toy in hand, you shift onto your knees. “Strip down. I wanna compare.” You tease, reaching for the buttons on his shirt while he holds the toy.

Joel snorts but he does as you ask. Setting the toy down and quickly shedding his clothes. He’s not fully hard so he spits in his hand and stands in front of you, pumping himself until he is straining, aching with need as he stares at you. “Compare, sweetheart.” He smirks at you and his cock twitches when he lets go of it, bobbing heavily in the air.

You grab the dildo, holding it beside his cock and you hum, admiring the closeness in girth and length. He had done a good job. “Hmmm, you have more veins and ridges but it’s close enough to keep me satisfied while I remember how good your cock felt inside of me.” You decide, leaning in to wrap your lips around the head of his cock, wanting to hear him moan your name.

Joel groans, fingers grabbing the back of your head and your name comes out in a breathless pant. Blow jobs are not expected or received very often and the feel of your mouth has him making a low sound in the depths of his chest as he tries to keep from rocking his hips. “Fuck, you- it’s so- fuck.” He pants, closing his eyes as your tongue swipes over the head. “Oh fuck. You- the toy.” He grunts out. “Want it inside you while you- fuck, put it in.”

You were wet as soon as you saw Joel standing on the porch. He has this ability to get you going with a look in his eye and you moan around his cock. Blindly reaching for the toy, you position it between your legs and push it in, eyes closing in bliss at the way it stretches you. “Fuck baby.” You pant, the head of his cock brushing your lips.

There’s something filthy about the way that he has his cock in your mouth while you are working a toy into your cunt. Making him groan as he watches it push deeper. “Fuck, you’re gonna use it everyday, aren’t you?” He grunts. “Remembering how I fucked you? Wishing I was fucking you again?”

You pull off of his cock for a second, pumping him and using your other hand to push the toy inside of you fully, stretched out and loving how deep it is inside of you. “Every day.” You promise, “gonna use it every day and think of you inside of me.” You take him back into your mouth, sliding your hand down to roll his balls in your fingers.

Joel chokes out your name, his hips rucking forward hard enough to make you gag but you don’t pull off of him. Making him groan again as he starts to fuck your throat, watching as you bounce on the dildo where it is pressed up inside you on the bed. “Fuck- fuck, gonna think about this.” He admits breathlessly. “Gonna jerk off thinking about you fucking yourself with it.”

The thought of him using this to get off has you moaning his name, muffled around his cock as you let him fuck your throat. You rock your hips as much as you can to try and make yourself cum on the toy. Every moan that escapes Joel’s lips sends you closer to your orgasm.

Groaning, he loves the way your moans vibrate up his shaft. Making him shudder slightly and rock his hips a little faster. “So good.” He pants, watching you take his cock down your throat, “so fucking good. Want you to think about this too.”

You hum in agreement around his cock, knowing you will think about this. How he tastes, how he smells, how he feels. It’s almost overwhelming. Especially when he pushes deeper down your throat and you breathe harshly through your nose. You want Joel to leave here satisfied, you want him to want to come back to you.

It only takes another minute with your talented mouth around him. Gripping the back of your head, Joel moans your name, cock spurting down your throat as he cums. Cursing as he rides out his high and watches you swallow his cum, drops of it escaping down the sides of your mouth when you can’t take it all.

You try to swallow as much as you can, loving the feel of his cock in your throat when it’s been so long since you’ve had this kind of intimacy. You work him through it, pulling off of him to lick the head, cleaning him up, and you lick your lips to gather up the drops that escaped, your cunt clenching around the toy inside of you and you need to cum. “Fuck.” You whine, shifting to lay on your back, grabbing the toy to push it back inside of you.

Joel pushes you back into the bed, making you lay down and he’s stretching out beside. Pulling your leg up on his hip before he bats your hand away. Taking the toy himself as he starts to work it in and out of your cunt. “Grab your tits, baby.” He grunts. “Want to see you cum.”

“Oh shit.” You whine when he pushes the toy deep inside of you. You follow his order, cupping your tits, and you cry out when he twists it. “I’m gonna - Joel. Fuck. Gonna make me - oh fuck. Oh fuck. Yes. Yes. Yesssss.” You hiss, pinching your nipples as you fall apart on the toy, soaking it and clamping down around the silicone.

Joel watches you, loving the gasps and sobs of pleasure as you work through your orgasm. Slowly pump the toy into your soaked cunt until you are relaxing against the bed and moaning softly. “Good girl.” He hums, smirking down at your blissed out face before he leans down to kiss you softly. “Now you can have a toy to keep you satisfied.” He tells you playfully.

You giggle, nodding and caressing his chest. “Thank you. For everything.” You murmur, leaning in to kiss along his neck. “When are you heading back to the QZ?” You ask, caressing his chest as you curl around him after he pulls the toy out of you and tosses it onto your nightstand.

“I have to leave in the next hour or so.” Joel admits, sighing slightly as he lays with you. It’s a long hike and he needs to get back. Even delaying the return to get your toy was something out of character for him. “But I’ll be back as soon as I can. There’s enough medicine for Frank to last for months.” He squeezes you close to him again. “Maybe I’ll find another toy before I come back.” He jokes.

You smirk, “I wouldn’t complain about that. Although I’d rather have you than any toy.” You confess and you sigh, kissing his jaw before you sit up. “We should clean up and get you something to eat before you get going. You’ll need to have your strength.” You know he’s going back to Tess and you try to not think about that as you clean yourself up.

You feel him shift in beside you to clean up and you meet his dark gaze in the mirror. So much is left unsaid. In true Joel style, he grunts and shifts into your bedroom to get redressed. You wash the toy, hiding it in your drawer, and redress before heading downstairs to get him some food.

“He get you a good one?” Frank asks and you fluster, liking the way Joel chuckles behind you, his hands on your hips.

“Of course. She ain’t gonna miss me with that around.”

Frank clicks his tongue, “I beg to differ there, Joel.” You offer the older man a warning look and he smirks, hobbling into the living room to continue with his reading.

Joel eats quickly, efficiently and when he’s done he moves over to the sink to clean the dishes. “I’ll get them.” You insist, making him sigh and turn to pull you close to him.

“Send a message if you need something.” He orders gruffly, reaching up and holding your chin in his hand, thumb rubbing over your cheek. “Or if - if things get bad with Frank.” He hasn’t missed the way the older man is moving, obviously in more pain than before. “I think I can get some morphine, real morphine, not that fake shit.” He tells you. “Make it easy for him.”

You nod, turning your head to kiss his thumb. “That would be good. He’s getting worse. Bill won’t accept it but he is.” You sigh and step away from Joel, knowing that he’s leaving, you try to create a bit of distance. “Hopefully I won’t be sending any 80s to you. Even if it is my favorite era of music.” You smile and wink at him, “you best be off. Take some fruit with you. We picked apples the other day.” You walk over to the bowl to grab the apples and you put them in a sack, “plus I made you a sandwich for the road.” You walk over to the fridge to take out the box of sandwiches to give to him.

Joel takes the sandwiches and stares at you for a moment, wanting to say something but not knowing what. In the end, he nods at you and turns to walk to the front of the house, to bid Frank and Bill a goodbye before he treks back to Boston, wondering when he will see you again.

You watch him go and sigh, sitting down at the kitchen table and you aren’t sure how long you sit there until Frank walks in, eyebrows raised. “Don’t say a word.” You warn him, looking out the window to see that night has fallen.

“I didn’t say a thing.” He shakes his head, a wry smile on his face.

****

Joel doesn’t return for a few months. Frank gets worse, no longer able to walk so you use the wheelchair Bill had found in the back of one of the stores within the compound. You try to medicate him as much as possible but his tremors create a lot of obstacles for him. “I’m getting worse.” Frank says one day while Bill waters the flowers around the house.

“You are.” You tell Frank, knowing he won’t want you to beat around the bush.

Frank sighs, glancing at the open door, “he’s not gonna take the news well.”

You reach for Frank’s hand, squeezing it, “we will tell him together. I am here for you both. You’ve been so kind to me. I am forever in your debt. I’ll be here until the end.” You vow and Frank hums, his plan forming in his mind. Neither you nor Bill will like it but it’s necessary. He won’t be a burden on you and Bill in this new world. He’s had a good life.

Joel thinks about you randomly during the days. While he’s helping burn bodies or shovel shit, he’s wondering what you are doing. Wondering how Frank is doing. There hasn’t been a message but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t worried. When he gets the fucking battery, he’s going to check on them, on you, before he goes to find Tommy. Tess has already made noises about asking you to go and he thinks that she wants to stay behind.

When Frank and Bill tell you Frank’s plan, you cry. You have loved them like uncles and you know that Frank wants to go before he gets too bad. No amount of morphine or drugs will save him from his fate. Frank declares that him and Bill are getting married and you go with them to the boutique. Picking out a pretty dress, you change and help Bill dress Frank in the suit. The way they look at each other has tears forming in your eyes. When they exchange rings and vows, you take a Polaroid photo, wanting to remember their wedding day, and you help Bill cook Frank’s final meal.

“I want to go too.” Bill declares softly and your eyes widen, “what?” Bill sighs, “I want to go with him. I don’t want to live without him. I know…I know it’s selfish and I know we will be leaving you but I’ve already set the radio to 80s, Joel will be here soon. Maybe he can move here and help you, keep the house going. Maybe Tess will come here too. I want…I want to go. It’s time. We are both old and he…he was my purpose. I’ve dug our grave to save you the time. Please make sure we are holding hands.” Bill requests and you nod, pulling him into your arms as you choke on a sob. “No tears. Let’s make this last dinner our best one yet.” Bill says, kissing your cheek and he walks off to find the bottle of Beaujolais.

You wipe your eyes and carry the wine into the dining room, beautifully put together for their last dinner. You let them take their time, in no rush to finish this meal and when Bill nods, you stand up and grab the bottle of wine he’s had airing in the kitchen. Tears fall down your cheeks as you put the pills into the bottle and carry it in, waiting for Bill to tell Frank his plan, which he doesn’t, until after he’s already drunk down the glass.

You cry, sniffing to stop your sobs, and Frank reaches for your hand. “I’ve had a good life. I want to go out my way, you’ve been a Godsend. Caring for me, you’re like…you’re like the daughter I never had and I want you to know that I love you. Thank you for everything.” Frank says and you sob, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

“When you arrived, I wanted to kill you.” Bill says frankly and you offer him a watery chuckle, “oh I know.” Bill continues, “but I didn’t and I’m glad I didn’t. You brought life back to this house and I hope you continue to do so. With Joel.” Bill adds, “you both deserve a happy ending. Together.” Bill knows how Joel feels about you and you him, he hopes Joel comes when he hears the radio.

“Thank you both…for everything. I love you so much.” You stand up and kiss Bill’s cheek and then Frank’s again, silently saying goodbye.

“Take me to bed, Bill.” Frank orders and you stand to help. When you get Frank situated in the bed, Bill shifts to lay beside him, pulling him into his arms. The window is open and you lean against the doorframe, tearing streaming down your cheeks as you watch them embrace.

“Goodnight.” You murmur, knowing this is the last time you’ll see them alive.

“Goodnight. Don’t make too much noise when you go upstairs.” Bill says like he always does, making you smile.

“I won’t.” You promise and shift to shut the door behind you, biting your lip to stop your sobs. You focus on cleaning up the dinner, putting the dishes away just as Bill always liked them. They’re gone by the time you go to bed, sobbing into your pillow that you could be all alone unless Joel arrives soon. You pray he does.

****

Joel clenches his jaw as he soaks his hand in the cold water. It feels good, relieving the pressure of the fractured bones. Staring into the water as he picks out a large, flat rock. Tess always liked the water, claiming that it was soothing. It seems fitting to build her a small memorial by the river. He piles the rocks up, every one symbolizing their relationship over the years. It had transitioned and her words haunt him slightly. He had known that he loved her, of course he loved her. He had spent years with her, but it had never been that all consuming love. Grief had kept him from getting too close, or opening himself up all the way, then it had shifted when he had met you. She had seen it.

He sighs as he stands, starts making his way back to the trees where Ellie is waiting, they had stopped for the night after putting ten miles between them and Boston and there was still plenty of traveling to go until they get to Bill and Frank….and you.

“Look, I’ve been thinking about-“ Ellie starts, the last two attempts to make conversation failing.

Joel lurches to his feet as he starts to sling his pack onto his back. “I don’t want your sorries.” He spits out, still raw from the loss of the woman he had been with in one way or another for years.

“I wasn’t gonna say I’m sorry.” Ellie shoots back, leaning forward and looking at him. “I was gonna say that I’ve been thinking about what happened. Nobody made you or Tess take me. Nobody made you go along with this plan.” Joel stares at the girl, aware of that fact. “You needed a truck battery or whatever, and you made a choice. So don’t blame me for something that isn’t my fault.”

Joel wants to tell her that he doesn’t blame her, he wouldn’t blame a child for this shit. Instead he just nods, making her relax and gather her things. She brings his jacket back over to him and asks, “how much longer?”

Joel thinks about you. “Five hour hike.” Five hours to get to you. Five hours before he can wrap his arms around you and forget everything for a few hours.

Ellie contemplates it for a moment. “We can manage that.” Joel doesn’t answer, just turns around and starts on the path that will take him to you.

You are hanging up your laundry when you hear the gate beep. You grab the rifle you’ve kept close, aiming it as you sneak through the backyard to the hide out spot that allows you to look through the front of the house. You inhale sharply when you see Joel, followed by a teenage girl. You want to sob, relieved to see him, and you set the rifle down, rushing through the house and flinging the door open to rush into Joel’s arms.

The moment he sees you rushing out the door, he knows. Closing his eyes for a second to let another wave of grief wash over him before you are there. Throwing yourself into his arms while he catches you and pulls you close.

“What the fuck is going on?” Ellie mutters, bewildered by the appearance of another woman who obviously cares for this asshole. Joel ignores her, hugging you tight and listening to you sob into his chest.

“When?” He whispers, aware that he’s been away from his radio but he hopes you’ve not been alone with Bill for too long.

“A few days ago.” You choke, breathing him in. He smells like sweat and dirt but it’s all Joel and you are in his arms again. “Both of them.” You reveal, pulling back to cup his cheeks, frowning when you see the grief in his eyes and you look at the teenager and then back at him. “Where’s Tess?” You ask, wondering if he left her with that new man you heard about last time he was here.

“Yesterday.” Joel exhales roughly, his heart aching for you, having to go through losing both of them at the same time. “Got bit.” He closes his eyes again and shakes off the emotions, tamping them down right now before he turns to Ellie. “This is Ellie.” He introduces you. “Tess- we were - she’s immune.” He tells you, knowing you will understand what he means. “I need to get her to my brother and the Fireflies.”

“Immune?” Your eyes widen and Ellie awkwardly waves at you, “yeah. Been bit twice. Haven’t turned into a monster yet.” You can’t believe what you’re hearing, knowing this girl could be the key to something.

“Come in. Bill left you a note. I’m sure you’re starving. Let me make you something to eat.” You say, taking Joel’s hand to guide him inside. You’re still processing, knowing Joel must be grieving Tess as much as you are grieving Bill and Frank.

Joel doesn’t want to read the note, knowing that the man never particularly cared for him but he owes it to the old bastard. “Shit, you live here?” Ellie asks, walking in and immediately starting to poke around.

“Don’t go gettin’ in trouble, Ellie.” Joel calls out as the girl disappears down the hall. He sighs when she just waves one arm over her head. “Fuckin’ teenagers.” He huffs, rolling his eyes before he looks at you. “How are you doing?” He asks softly, frowning because you were all alone here.

You shrug, “I’m fine. I- I miss them so much.” You choke and he pulls you back into his arms, “I didn’t know if you were going to come. Bill changed the radio before he - they went together. Took a shit ton of painkillers. I helped. They - Frank wanted to go and then Bill wanted to go with him. I’m here alone…well, until now.” You wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him closer. “I was worried you would never come.”

“You should have known I would come.” Joel chides you gently, wrapping his arms around you. “I told you I would be back but I’m sorry it wasn’t soon enough.” He closes his eyes and leans his forehead against yours.

“HOLY SHIT!” He jumps when he hears Ellie screech but he knows she’s safe. “They have hot water! I’m definitely taking a shower!”

He huffs and rolls his eyes before he looks at you again. “She’s a little excitable.”

You smile, knowing she probably hasn’t seen most of the things in this house preserved from a time long before she was born. “You need to take a shower too.” You wrinkle your nose jokingly, pulling back to look at him.

Joel frowns, pouting at you slightly because you are saying that he stinks. “Fine.” He huffs, not upset with you. He knows he stinks. He hadn’t exactly had time to stop and clean up. “Do you- uh…” He shuffles slightly and rubs the back of his neck, looking towards where Ellie had disappeared to. “Do you want to shower with me?”

You nod, knowing you both need this time to reassure each other that you are safe and alive. “Come on.” You take his hand, guiding him to your bedroom and adjoining bathroom. You work on unbuttoning his shirt, pushing it off of his shoulders, after you turn on the water to let it heat up.

Joel sighs, closing his eyes and letting the weight of the world roll off his shoulders. You are alone now. He can’t leave you here and yet he doesn’t know if you would want to go with him. It’s going to be a rough journey. “I- I have to take the girl west.” He tells you quietly. “I- if you want to stay here, I get it. It’s safe. It’s comfortable.”

You caress his chest after you let his dirty shirt fall to the floor, “you could stay? It’s safe here. We have enough supplies to last a lifetime. Fresh food. Animals. It’s a good life. Bill made sure it would outlast time. Stay here. You and the girl.” You offer, reaching down to unbuckle his belt.

“I can’t.” Joel shakes his head, remembering Tess’s last words. ‘Save who you can save. Set it right.’ “What if- what if the girl could end all this?” He asks quietly, “she’s immune. Maybe, maybe there’s a fucking antibiotic they could create from her blood.” He looks up at you, begging you to tell him that it was possible. “Maybe people don’t have to keep dyin’.”

You know he’s done a lot of bad shit, killed, stolen, but you know he’s done it to survive. Maybe him and Tess enjoyed some of it, you wouldn’t be surprised, but you know, deep down, he has hope. “Then we will get her where she needs to go. I survived out there before, I can do it again. If…if you want me to come along.” You add, knowing he might not necessarily want you to come along, he could leave you here alone. You imagine you’d go mad like Bill nearly did. He’d told you the stories of his life before Frank came along, how lonely he was.

“I don’t want to leave you here alone.” Joel murmurs quietly, admitting what he might not have said before losing so many so quickly. “It’s gonna be rough, dangerous.” He reminds you. “But I’d rather you be with me than wonderin’ what’s happenin’ here and worryin’ about you.”

You smile, “you’re a big softy inside. Just like Bill. You two were more alike than either of you would ever admit.” You stop undressing him and look into his eyes, “I’ll come with you. I know it’s dangerous but I’d rather die fighting beside you than be safe and alone in this house.” You cup his cheeks, wanting to know how to feel, “I’ll stand by you every day until the day I die.”

Joel wants to roll his eyes, to expel the heaviness of the situation but it would make a mockery of it. He nods and reaches up to cover your hands with his. “I’ll keep you safe.” He vows, aware that he’s let so many people down, but he can’t let you down. “I- I want you to know that I thought of you. While I was gone.”

Your heart flutters at his confession, “I thought of you too. Toy got a lot of use thinking about you, Miller.” You tease, kneeling down to take his boots off and pull his pants off of him. Once he’s naked, you work on your own clothes, eager to be naked and in the shower with him. You kick your clothes aside and walk into the bathroom, knowing he will follow you, and you check the water in hot. “Come on baby. Let’s clean up.” You say and pull him in behind you.

Joel groans at the hot water, closing his eyes like he always does. He needs to clean up, check on Ellie and start packing up the truck but for right now, he just needs this shower. “Fuck.” He murmurs softly, leaning against the wall and reaching for you. “I- they are all gone.” He sighs heavily.

“They’re all gone…but we aren’t.” You remind him, letting him pull you into his arms. The water hits just right to flow over you both and you kiss along his neck, absorbing the fact that he’s here and he’s alive, you’re alive. “I love you.” You whisper against his skin, knowing he’s heard it. He could reject you. Push you away, at least you would have gotten this off of your chest.

Joel sighs heavily, closing his eyes. He hadn’t been able to say anything to Tess in those final moments, even though he had cared for her greatly. Loved her in his own way. It’s something he regrets now. “I- care about you.” He murmurs softly. “I think about you, worry about you.” He swallows, thinking about Bill and how alike they were. “I love you.” He whispers.

You barely hear it but you do, knowing how hard it is for him to admit. You tilt your head up to press your lips against his. Emotions are a weakness in this world but you can’t stop yourself from loving him, even if you tried. You don’t say anything else, just tilt your head so you can press your lips to his, wanting to feel connected to him. Once you leave this house, every day is a blessing and who knows when you’ll have the chance to be connected like this. You want to savor this time.

He lets you draw him into the kiss, slowly deepening it as you pull him closer. Letting him forget everything but the way you taste and your warmth against him. You’re alive, he’s alive. You have each other. Joel groans and spins you around, pressing you up against the cool shower tiles and starts to ravage your mouth.

You moan, clinging to him as he pushes you against the wall, and he steals your breath from you, sliding his tongue into your mouth and his hands grab your thigh, lifting it up onto the edge of the bathtub. His cock hardens against your stomach and you reach between you to wrap your finger around him, slowly pumping him and loving the way he hardens in your hand.

He shouldn’t be doing this right now. There’s so many reasons why, but he needs to. Needs to feel you. Moaning into your mouth, his hand slides to your cunt, rubbing your clit and sighing in relief when he feels the wetness already gathering. “Let me fuck you.” Joel begs, kissing down your jaw. It’s selfish, but he needs the comfort you can give him. The thought of nothing but the pleasure between you.

"Do it. I need you Joel, fuck me." You beg, rocking your cunt down into his hand and whining when he withdraws his fingers. He bats your hand away from his cock and shifts closer to position the head at your entrance. You moan softly when he slowly splits you open, a little rough since you aren't soaking wet to take his length, but you don't care. You just want to feel connected to him.

“Shiiiiiiit.” Joel hisses, rolling his hips up and his hands flatten against the wall. The heat, the pulsing heat of your cunt tells him that you are still here. Letting him feel it. Turning his head, his lips press against yours for a long moment before he ever starts moving.

His tongue slides into your mouth and you finally feel safe. Since Bill and Frank died, you’ve been on edge, unable to sleep properly, but now he’s here, you know you’re in good hands. He’s capable, secure. You tilt your head back against the tile, letting the water run between you as he pushes into you, setting a slow but deep pace that has your cunt getting wetter and wetter around him.

It’s not as harsh as the first time, this is deeper. A reassurance that both of you need and he could never ask for. Making him feel every flutter of your cunt, heat every gasp. Rocking into your like it’s the last thing he will do. It might be, who knows what could happen? Life wasn’t guaranteed, like he’s been shown so brutally over the last few days.

Your hands are everywhere, caressing him, running through his now damp hair, down his chest, loving the steady thump of his heart under your palm. “I love you. I love you.” You whisper, trying to tilt your hips until he hits the right angle that has you moaning his name. You know he’s not an emotional man. He’s not verbally or physically affectionate but no one is in this new world. You’ll take what he gives you, eagerly and readily. You wrap your arms around his neck, keeping yourself upright while he fucks into you.

His lips trail along your skin, desperate for the tenderness that you show him. It’s greedy, but he’s never claimed to not be a greedy man. His hands grip your hips tightly, as if he’s afraid you would get away from him. “Fuck.” He moans out your name. “So good, I would stay here with you. Right here. Never leave.” He groans quietly.

You wish that was possible but you know he has to find Tommy, get the girl to where she needs to go. You don’t reply, just lean in to press your lips to his. His cock is pushing deep inside of you, your cunt dripping wet now, and you know you’re going to ache when he’s done.

Joel knows he’s not going to last for long, letting one bruising hand go from your hip to slide between you. Turning his wrist so he can rub your clit. It might be a long time before he gets a chance to fuck you and he wants to make it good for you. You whine into his mouth and he groans, flicking his tongue against yours as his fingers work your little bundle of nerves.

When his calloused digits rub your clit, you whine into his mouth, so close to cumming. “Fuck. Oh fuck baby. I’m - Joel.” You pant, tilting your head back as he hits just right inside of you and you are pushed over the edge. You bite down on his neck, smothering your cry as you cum, clamping down on his cock as the water continues running over his back.

Joel grunts, pushing into you harder and faster. The slap of his hips echoing the bathroom. Growling as he gets closer with every unhinged thrust. Pumping his cock into you a half dozen more times before he is pulling out, not even needing to stroke himself as he spurts against the shower wall.

You pant, watching him as he closes his eyes, trying to process how he feels and you give him several moments until you’re reaching for the shampoo. “Come here.” You murmur, pulling him back towards you. You reach up to lather up his hair, washing it and massaging his scalp.

Joel closes his eyes and sighs softly. “That feels good.” He murmurs, enjoying the feeling of your nails on his scalp. Cumming and getting clean are doing wonders right now, letting the tension fade as the water swirls down the drain.

You work your fingers through his salt and pepper locks, until he is practically slumped against you and you wash the shampoo out of his hair. Grabbing the body wash, you lather up his chest and shoulders, turning him around so you can lather up his back and massage his shoulders. No words are spoken as you take care of him. You want to take care of him.

You don’t stop touching him until the water runs clean. Completed scrubbed from head to toe and Joel feels like he could cry. Unable to remember the last time someone cared for him like that. He turns to you, taking the sponge from your hand. Wanting to do the same for you, since this might be the last shower for a while. “We need to pack supplies.” He tells you, kneeling down at your feet. “You any good with a gun?”

“Bill made sure I could hit a target from across the fence. Wanted backup in case things went to shit. Before I arrived here, I learned how to use one. Needed it to survive.” You sigh when his hands scrub your skin, tender and opposite of Joel’s gruff nature. “I’m good with a knife too. Can take out infected.” You confess, knowing you might need a little practice on that one since Bill’s traps always worked so well with the infected. “I left the radio off. Just in case and maybe we can come back here one day.”

Joel nods but he doesn’t want to tell you that it probably won’t happen. “Pack what you need.” He tells you. “We’re gonna be cramped in that piece of shit truck of his.” Joel had ragged on Bill for the little S-10, but damned if he still didn’t have a running car.

You know it’s a pipe dream but it will keep you going through the dark times. You finish washing up, stepping out of the shower after turning off the water. “I’ll go get enough food for us. Non perishable and - and Bill has ammo in the basement. More weapons.” You tell Joel, leaning in to kiss him softly, “I’ll go get you some more clothes.” You wrap the towel around you and Joel grabs onto your waist, pulling you back towards him, pressing his lips to yours. His hands cup your cheeks and you smile against his lips. “Clothes.” You remind him, pulling away so you can dress.

Joel dries off, aware that he will face some shit from the kid, but he doesn’t care. He isn’t going to just pretend like you don’t matter to him. Opening the medicine cabinet, he pulls out the deodorant and swipes some under his arms before he picks up your comb and slicks his hair back. Humming to himself at the tired image in the mirror. You seem to like him, so that was favorable, but he sighs, looking down at his hand where the scabbed skin is starting to heal. Soon you will have to leave this little heaven and there’s going to be a lot of trouble ahead. But he won’t leave you behind again. He’s taking you with him.

You come back with a set of clothes - Frank’s old clothes - and you get dressed while he goes downstairs. “Don’t you look pretty?” Ellie teases Joel who stares at her, resisting the urge to roll his eyes, and he tosses the deodorant stick towards her.

You come downstairs after packing your bag and you see Ellie holding a box of tampons. “Do you know how to use those?” You know, she likely doesn’t but you want to help her if she needs it.

“Nosebleeds?” Ellie asks sarcastically, rolling her eyes. “I’ve had a period since I was ten.” She informs you, making Joel wince since that’s information he does not need to know.

“Hey, be nice, she’s a nurse.” He informs Ellie meaningfully. He knows you are just trying to open a line of communication with the girl.

You sigh, sending that she’s going to be your typical teenager. “Well, if you want any advice on that, I’m here for you.” You tell her, making your way into the kitchen to find your emergency first aid kid. You shove that into your backpack and grab the spare to start getting the tinned and dry food. You put the bottle of whiskey in there and decide to take the last bottle of Beaujolais, knowing that Bill would want you to enjoy it.

“You ready?” You ask Joel when he comes back in.

He nods, “battery is charged. You ready?” He asks you, knowing this is a huge step.

You nod, “yes, I’m ready.” You are ready to leave, you’ll follow Joel to the end of the world if you have to. He playfully smacks your ass when you walk into the garage and when you’re in the car, you sit in the backseat since Ellie has never been in a car before.

“It’s like a spaceship.” She says in awe and you giggle at the amused look on Joel’s face.

“Seatbelt.” He tells you, his eyes meeting yours in the rear view mirror and you follow his order. Ellie has to be helped and finally, Joel starts the car to drive away from the house. You turn to look at your home, silently saying goodbye to Bill and Frank, when Ellie grabs the tape and Joel puts it in.

The sweet voice of Linda Ronstadt fills your ears and Ellie wants to change it but Joel stops her. He knows the song but he doesn’t know what it meant to Bill and Frank…you do. You wipe your eyes, mourning your good friends and the life they provided you as you follow the man you love on his mission to find his brother and deliver Ellie to the fireflies. Let’s just hope she is the key to the end of this nightmare. Looking back at the house one last time, you wonder if you’ll ever make it back here. Maybe one day, you’ll be living here with Joel…enjoying your happily ever after.

#pedro pascal #joel miller #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x tess servopoulos #joel miller smut #joel miller fic #joel miller imagine #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller tlou #joel tlou #the last of us hbo #the last of us #tlou hbo #hbo tlou spoilers

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soufcakmistress · 11 months

Text

new love on the near northside

A/N: haters that ruin the fun will get blessed out and blocked! find someone else to play with, tysm :) this is for all the sydcarmy truthers like me who’ve been in a spiral for two years

Pairing: Sydney Adamu x Carmen Berzatto

“All right chefs, we need to fire four prime ribs, two lobster risottos, and four cream puffs!”

“Yes, Chef!”

“Marcus, 86 the mascarpone for the cherry tart on 20!”

“Heard, chef!”

“Okay I need to see hands!”

The waitstaff gingerly grab the plated dishes from the final station, while Carmy is gently yet firmly reminding them not to smudge the plates as they’re being taken to their respective tables. Dinner service is in an awesome groove right now and Syd is feeling confident tonight. She’s still riding on a high from the last food critic that visited from the Chicago Tribune, who raved over her braised short rib and orzo pasta. There are also other reasons for Syd’s good mood.

“Open your legs, Syd..”

Syd shudders, takes three deep breaths and continues to fire off orders from the expo. The Bear has been packed almost every single night for three weeks. They don’t have much of a waitlist yet, but word of mouth moves quickly in Chicago and the front of house are noticing some repeat customers already.

Carmy joined Syd at the expo, and she can still pick up the scent of his cologne even in the midst of garlic, heavy cream and raw seafood. If she even peeks at him, she’ll lose her train of thought, and that’s the last thing the team needs right now. After having to let go of Josh after his unfortunate episode, her sous Tina has been pulling double time, covering both stations like a champ. She makes a mental note to give her an unbelievable gift and some love this weekend. “How are we doing, Chef? We cool?”

His eyes are so crystal clear and she recollects how he stares through her when they….oh fuck. “Yes, Chef. Runners are getting everything out in a timely manner, and we are turning these tables around. You?”

“Carmy, Carmy, yes—oh!”

Carmy licks and bites his lips and smirks. “Yes Chef. You’re the captain of this ship.” He squeezes her shoulder and goes back to his station as their boucher, Daniela checks in with Carmy about the fat trimmings for their beef.

Fak, Richie and Sweeps were holding down the front since Nat is on maternity leave. Carmy keeps a wallet size photo of his brand new nephew at his station, looking occasionally with a smile. Forty five more minutes before dinner service is over and Syd can finally go puke out back. “Chefs, we’re almost in the clear! Let’s keep up the momentum and sense of urgency!”

“Yes, Chef!”

Every dish is gorgeous. So many painstaking hours reworking the menu. Chaos menu, thoughtful chaos menu, back to chaos menu again. Reviewing and poring over Carmy’s intricate drawings, all the late night sessions, so much money spent on ingredients—it was enough to make Syd’s head spin. Hence why, almost a month since The Bear opened she’s still subsisting on a diet of Tums and Pepto.

She’s eternally grateful for her partners. Nat and Cicero have saved all their asses more times than they can count. Cicero is a hard ass but he adores Carmy and Sugar and has grown to love Syd as well. And of course, the best chef she’s ever had the privilege of working beside is her executive chef, business partner, best friend and now lover.

“Look at you. You’re so wet baby. Fuck—”

They’ve managed to keep their love affair under wraps for this long. It’s a struggle not to be able to touch each other when they’re working. Tina and Marcus are too perceptive; they would be found out immediately. Still, Sydney feels like a giddy school girl whenever Carmy corners her in the office as they open the restaurant every morning—both of his hands by her sides keeping her close. He’s so incredibly sexy without even trying and she still gets shy sometimes. He has to pull her chin from her shoulder and make her look at him.

“Don’t run away from me. You know I won’t let you..” And those ocean blue eyes of his again….and his lips are feather light on top of hers. Her knees are ready to buckle and Carmy sensed as much, so he pulls her close to the hardness of his chest and stomach to keep her standing.

She loves how his stubble feels on her chin and cheeks, especially when he drags his mouth down her jaw and lightly sucks on her neck. “Carm, Carm, Carm, oh my god, don’t! If they see me with a hickey when I didn’t have one yesterday, how do I explain that?” Her face is hurting, she’s cheesing so hard.

One hand slides up her chef whites, slipping under her camisole and his agile fingers pinch her nipple while his tongue circles her earlobe. Syd’s learned that Carmy is insatiable. For someone to not be as experienced as he claims—his hands, lips, tongue…always seem to go exactly where she needs them to. “I can’t help it, Chef. You’re just so damn beautiful.”

Syd’s hands roam all over his thick biceps and eventually land in the bushy mess atop his head. Their tongues lave and suck on each other’s and their moans can’t be held back any longer. Carmy pulls her leg up to his hip while he grips her braids, until he hears Marcus and Sweeps come through the back door. They separate quickly and get themselves together. Lusty gazes linger between them and they’re both aching between their legs. Carmy is as red as a beet, and Syd’s lips are swollen from his kisses and nipping. “Right, thank you chef.” Syd walks out first awkwardly with wobbly legs that make Carmy chuckle.

Dinner service is over—the kitchen has been scrubbed down, trash taken out, perishables have been stocked away in the lowboys and walk-in, and the back of house staff has skated out. It’s just Carmen and Sydney, in their brand new restaurant. “I’m beat. You got all your stuff right?”

Syd has an overnight bag with everything she needs for a weekend with her babe. “Yes, I do! Are you..ready to go?” Carmy grabs the weekend bag along with her hand and they walk in tandem to his car.

Carmy has been seeing a therapist in addition to the Al-anon meetings and Sydney can tell a difference already. He’s slower to rant and rave and owns up to his mistakes. More eager to hear people out. She’s proud of him—he’s suffered through a lot to make it to this point. They eventually arrive to his apartment and a shower is the first order of business. Syd loves the water pressure at Carmy’s place and taking showers together has been great for their newfound intimacy. They undress each other, Syd pulls her braids up in a high bun, and they just hold each other under the steaming water. This is their time. Away from The Bear. Away from Chicago. Away from the many demands and decisions they’re forced to confront every single day.

Carmy washes her with her pink loofah that’s been made a permanent staple in his bathroom. This is all new to Syd; her heart blooms in her chest at these big feelings she’s experiencing. He’s gentle and doesn’t leave an inch of skin untouched. Syd washes his hair with his expensive shampoo and Carmy’s eyes close in ecstasy. They needed this tenderness. They deserved it.

All cleaned up and fresh, they mosey back to the kitchen for a late night meal. Habits are hard to break. “Spaghetti?” Carmy suggests.

“Yes oh my goodness. Butttt use bucatini instead. And all the cheese.” He smiles in agreement and pecks her on the lips and gets out all the ingredients they need. Julia Child is on in the background on a public access channel, as they converse about the restaurant and Carmy’s nephew and Sydney’s dad and Carmy’s dysfunctional family, the deep loss Syd still feels at the absence of her mom for most of her life. More tenderness.

Pasta is rolled out. Meat sauce is sautéed, seasoned and almost ready. The Shiraz is poured. Carmy can’t stop staring at her in his shirt and boxers. She’s so cute. The pasta boils and he watches her watching the program, fully enthralled. Everything is finally done; he plates everything in his unique Carmy way and Syd audibly orgasms at how the savory flavors meld together especially with the wine.

He grates more pecorino over the pasta and the lull in conversation is comfortable and warm. Not awkward and full of anxiety like with Donna….leaving him constantly overthinking and being afraid to speak. Sydney seemingly knows what he’s going to say before he does and that brings him comfort. They’re in crystal clear alignment on every way and he now knows a semblance of peace.

“Fuck. This is good.” Sydney is damn near scraping the plate, while Carmy is smiling the biggest she’d ever seen from him. They both love when the other eats their food. That sense of pride is undeniable.

“I’m glad you enjoyed, Chef. Anything for you.” He winks at her and she gets bashful and mumbled out that she’s going to take care of the dishes since he cooked. To his surprise, he’s a little more tipsy than he realized from the Shiraz. Carmy drains his glass and pours himself another, while checking Syd’s frame out. His boxers are screaming for relief and a little moan eeks out of him before he can stop it. Thankfully Syd isn’t aware of his moment of weakness.

Carmy swallows and wipes his lips and moseys behind his girlfriend. Kissing and nipping. “I’m almost done here, Carm..” Syd whines a bit at his ministrations and drops the plate into the soapy water.

“Yeah. Not fast enough for me..” Carmy turns her around and leaps with his tongue and mouth first. Her hands are dripping wet but she doesn’t waste a second grabbing his head of wild curls and taking what he has to give. Carmy grabs her legs to wrap them around his waist and Syd can periodically feel him thrust up into her mound, wailing for stimulation that only he can provide.

Their shared affection overpowers the television, and Carmy feels his way down the hallway with his baby in his arms. His love, that saved him in so many ways. He pulls his shirt off, she takes hers off. She takes his boxers off that she had on and she lays on his bed, naked as the day she was born. “Fuck me, Carmen.”

She held in her amusement because his entire neck and face was blood red with the pupils of his eyes blown out. Syd knows that he’s doing everything he can to stay contained, but he knows her better by now—she does what she wants. So she spreads her legs for him and twirls her clit in tandem with a brown nipple. Carmy’s about to explode.

He drops to his knees and explores her love below like it’s never been done before. “Sydney, why do you taste so good? Why do you do this to me..” She relishes in the fact that he’s potentially bruising her with the vice grip he has on her thighs, but yet she’s so afraid that she’s gonna squirt in his face if he keeps gently sucking her clit in and out of his lips like that. His manicured fingers enter her canal one after the other and prompt her to let go. “CARMYYYYYYY!”

His whole chest is drenched, and his eyes are shut tight, his deft fingers rubbing tight circles around her clit with a precision that only an executive chef named Carmen Anthony Berzatto could deliver. Sydney pushed his head away and she’s left trembling with watery eyes. “I-I—i didn’t know I could do that!”

Carmy just smirks and wipes his mouth and drops his pants. Syd still can’t get over him. He has even more tattoos that can’t be readily seen on a day to day basis, he is so cut and muscled and has a cock that should be cast in 24 karat gold. Don’t sleep on the short kings.

“Turn around.” His voice leaves no room for pushback, and she can barely raise up on her knees before he’s manhandling her. He’s learned that he loves doggy with Syd. With her ass high in the air, she is getting impatient as well and reaches behind her to line him up with her slit. Carmy catches his lip in his teeth as he pushes forward and they both groan out a “fuck” that only they could wholly grasp.

On the first stroke, he’s all the way in and Syd fees his sack grazing over her entrance. They’re both in a trance. Carmy has visions of Syd cooking, smiling, cumming, revolving in his mind as well as the score of the last White Sox home game so he doesn’t bust his load quick. Syd can’t get the thought of how intense and sweet he gazes at her. How he commands their team, how his talent speaks for itself, how fucking sexy his jawline is, how big his heart is. How lucky is she? To fall in love with her idol, mentor, boss….and to have him love her back.

The bed is beginning to bounce off the wall. Their volume increases as Syd can’t hold herself up anymore and they fall into collapsed doggy with their fingers interlocked. “I’m so glad you found me. I love you Syd, I love you, I fucking—fucking love you baby!” That set Sydney off for the most expansive and overwhelming orgasm of the night, taking her beau with her over the edge. Carmy’s sweaty forehead lays on Sydney’s right temple—both of them with tears in their eyes.

Carmy kissed every finger tip until their mouths met again, both letting their waterlogged eyes flow free. “I know. I love you too Carmy. We’re never alone.”

“We’re never alone.”

#soufcakmistress #carmy and sydney #carmy x syd #carmy x sydney #syd adamu #the bear fanfiction #the bear fx #syd x carmy #sydney x carmen #sydcarmy

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aliceinborderlandsquidgame · 1 year

Text

YanDoctorChishiya x Reader - Best Medicine

Notes: Yandere Chishiya - Suicide mention - Mental health and Illness mention - Delusional Reader - DARK CHISHIYA - Manipulation -

Notes 2: im not by any means an expert in mentall illness so this may have some mistakes in that part.

When you started to date Chishiya things seemed extremely fine. He was kind, smart, a bit rash and sarcastic. But you two found a balance in your relationship.

He knew almost (if not all) of you. Your likes, dislikes, your favorites places. He noticed and kept track on things you hated or loved.

He kept track on your relationships, your cowerkers, friends, family....

When he got into your family you were scared. Your family got a long list of mentall illness in them. Depression, bipolar disorder...to name a few. But Chishiya was a doctor, he told you he undertood both the fear of not being accepted and the illnes themself.

So you dont know when or who you srated to feel paranoic around....everyone.

First episode was on yours Sister Birthday, you were doing fine, dancing and drinking a bit. Chishiya was there having a talk with yours Sisters Husband. When suddendly you started to hear voices...but not the voices from your family or friends. Strange ones, what they said you could not describe but it became too much, the voices, the music, you passed out right there.

The second episode was at your work. You were doing just fine, tiping your reports and filling up some late work when an email appear

I see you :)

You brushed it off as one of your coworkers making a joke to you (you would bet it was Kai doing it).

Stop Kai :P

You sent that reply and continued to work when another email came.

Who is Kai ?

Alright now that was....off. You turned to Kai's desk and got a chill down your spine. Kai's desk was marked as "absent".

You decided to blocke the email and continue but as the day went by more emails came.

Why did you block me ?

We want to see you

Please reply we are lonely

Do you want to see mom ?

The last message got your nerves. Your mom had passed away comitting suicide thanks to her delusional mind. Your biggest fear was ending like her.

Days passed and it just got worse.

You would be walking and see random figures that were not there when you took a second look. The emails kept coming and getting worse.

You started to have nightmares almost everynight and since Chishiya had took night shifts he could not help you during these times.

You did not want to tell someone about it. Not when you started to hear your friends saying things in distorsed voices when you were with them at your home.

You went to emergency care when you felt like you could not take it anymore. The Doctor who attended you listened and wrote down everything.

"I know most crazy people says this...but im sane, i swear"

The Doctor told you to wait for him in the room. When he left you tried to remember when things started.

Your first episode was in your sisters party, but what was befote that ? Why was everything so blurry ?

You could see one figure screaming at you, moving their hands, they took your neck and told you something but you could just not remember what they did.

"Here she is" The Doctors voice said.

With Horror you saw Chishiya standing there, a small smirk on his face.

Chishiya and you were the happier couple ever, all of the stalking months had gave their fruits. Chishiya knew about your fear of being left because of your family with their mental health problems, but he never had a problem with it. He knew about these illness, how terrible they were and how society was not understanding about them.

He never tought he would have to use them against you...

It was just one morning, one bad morning. He was not sure how, but you had discovered he had been stalking you and were angry, well more than angry at him. Screams started to go from you, not getting him a reaction till you say the words that made him do it

"Im leaving you, i dont want nothing to do with you"

Chishiya lost it. He took you by the neck, pressing it and whispering to you

"I wont let you, I will be the only one you will be able to count on"

And just like that he chocked you, letting you fall. When you fell your head it the floor a bit too strong. Chishiya took you to his friend clinic who did not question about the marks on your neck.

"Possible memorie lose" where the words that stood with Chishiya.

And that was the start of his plan and downfall. As a Doctor getting different types of medications was not a problem, even easier if you knew how to move around the underground world.

Chishiya got the typical medications for a standar dementian patient. The next weeks he added them in whatever you were having. Food, drinks...it was just about some time they made their effects or side effects.

When you passed out in your Sisters Birthday Chishiya played the worried boyfriend card perfectly, and while you were at the hospital he made a small comment about you being paranoic the last few days. He saw how your sister went silence, fearing the worse.

Harassing you by email was in his opinion a low move but necesary. He remember when you called him crying, rambling about emails and how they kept mentioning your mother but when you showed them the emails were not there.

You had tried to take a photo of them but that one did dissapear too.

Chishiya had to contract a hacker for it, he gave him the specific words he wanted you to read, and made it clear to remove all the evidence once it was done.

You then started to see figures around, another side effect from the medication and to think your friends were not your friends or how them were trash talking you.

And while all of this happened Chishiya talked with your family. Your Sister insisted that you were fine, but when Chishiya made her listen to your call from work she stopped talking.

Your father, the old man who had lost his dear wife was worried. He did believe you had started to fall into madness like your mother and listened to Chishiya as he was god.

"I believe the best would be to get her a treatment....and to let her live with me" Chishiya had soflty said.

"I know this type of illness well, i can take care of her in my house, and it will be better than have her in a mental hospital".

Your Sister was against it but your father accepted, under one condition that for Chishiya was like hitting the jack box.

"We will do that. But you will marry her, i want you to take care of her for the rest of your life"

Your looked confused at Chishiya who took the seat besides you. Without noticing he put a silver ring on yout finger and kissed your hand.

"Chishiya what-"

"Im here love" love, a word he never uses. "I will take care of you from now. You seem to have what you mother had, but dont worry. You will stay at my house, i promise you, i will be the best husband and doctor for you".

"Wait...what do you mean husband, and doctor?" You asked with horror. "And what is that i have the same as my mother the other doctor-"

"He went to ask for a second opinion and that was mine. You have been dealing with such a harsh time now, and i havent been there. But now i will, i will be with you forever now. No matter how much you want to be away, or how sane you think you are, i will make you insane so i can have you all for myself".

#alice in borderland #alice in borderland netflix #chishiya #aib imagine #aib imagines #chishiya x reader #alice in borderland x reader #queque playing cards

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