DIRK: Everyone stop sending me asks telling me to kill myself. God won’t let me die, so you’re really just wasting your time.

I have a crack idea now where Danny became like Pariah dark like Ward like you know teaching him to be the future King of the Infinite Realms.

Pariah dark's idea is to continuous his legacy just in case he is ever defeated again after Danny's defeat him the first time

Put whatever magical reason you want to for Pariah Dark being out of the casket of forever sleep

But in my own opinion Danny's parents dissect him and now Danny is now being forced to living with Pariah in the Ghost Zone which in his own opinion is so much better than being with the fruitloop

Pariah's holding of trying turning him into his Prince to continue the legacy Danny decides to play along cuz you know what it's fun let him be the villain for once but Danny decides the entirely do it in a different way

Fighting outfit is a pink crop top with the words cute on it and a pair of leather pants with pink hearts on the side of them he is practically channeling his dressing of Harley Quinn like he wears two different color clips in his hair and he uses a chainsaw as a weapon with the words DP spraying on to them just because he can

Danny also 100% like every chance he can comments on the fact that Pariah dresses so old like imagine fighting the ghost tyrannical leader standing around but shopping bags in hand while his son is walking around shopping

Also Danny and Klarion are totally dating because Teekl Klarion's cat accidentally met Danny and a whole lot of shenanigans happened ever since Danny and Klarion have been dating

But the main point is I've just been imagining the ghost King showing up to the DC dimension and demanding for the Justice League to tell him where the Mall is at in this dimension and then walking himself and the skeleton army all the way to Hot topic are any other clothing store that sells pastel clothing in the mall

Pariah Dark: Daniel you went all the way to this dimension to go shopping. When you could have done that and the ghost Zone.

There stands a boy with black hair that has White highlights, unhumanly bright blue eyes that seems to be wearing a green jacket, a black crop top, and a pair of bright pink pastel pants broken with black hearts all over them rolling his eyes at the ghost king of all people and answering with the most sarcastic teenage tone voice

Danny : yeah old man not all of us can dress like it's medieval Royal times plus what are these matching shirts be amazing for us

One of the shirts is a pink crop top that say disappointment and the other a normal t-shirt that says The Father Of The Disappointment

Pariah Dark: Daniel I don't consider you to be a disappointment that boy you call your boyfriend is a disappointment but not you

Danny: thanks Dad anyhoo a few more things and then we can go back home I heard this place has a froyo that absolutely sounds amazing

Pariah dark: and if it's is not as good as the mortal say we'll take over the dimension just for displeasing your taste buds my son

The froyo is actually really good for the sake of the dimension Pariah Dark does not end up taking it over but his son Danny will be visiting

This the entire time the Justice League is in the background shocked and terrified about realizing the entire time they had a mini God living in this dimension.

I just see Pariah being a really caring and loving parent to Danny while also trying to being a tyrant most of the time Danny does keep him from the tyrant part though but it's even funnier if Danny goes to School in Gotham just imagine having the ghost tyrant show up to a parent-teacher conference.

Sorry I just have lots of time to write out these prompts I'm not a good writer but I love to share my ideas.

That does sound like a lot of fun. This idea sounds more like something I'd read, than something I'd write though. I might try to write something for it, but it will be a little while.

Half my opinions on ships in TGAA fandom are just “but what if it WASN’T romantic?” Why have Vanlock when you can have them be brothers-in-law that drive each other insane but bond over their mutual love of Iris? Why have Homumiko when, given that they met when Yujin was 26/27 and Herlock was 17/18, they are chronologically the first “tired guy and his weird little girl” dynamic in all of AA history, which I find infinitely more charming? Why have Baroaso when it’s way funnier for them to realize they’re basically uncle and nephew because their brother and dad were definitely fucking-

I absolutely adore Milo Murphy's Law, but we all know the show isn't perfect

In my opinion the first mistake the show made was showing us the Llama incident

The Llama incident would have been infinitely funnier if they had never gone into specifics about what actually happened, because after all that buildup whatever they showed us was going to be a letdown, it can never be as chaotic as they can make it sound in offhand references

And the initial references to it are SO GOOD AND SO FUNNY, but showing it to us just.. took all that away which makes me sad

So I'm seeing a lot of "fuck D&D!" and "go play GURPS/PF/my favorite system!" discourse around the whole OGL thing. And I just have to say: guys. Not the point.

The merits of D&D as a system are not relevant to this discussion. And yes, sure, boycott Wizards, but system arguments are irrelevant. The quality of the system in your opinion does not matter. And to be clear, I'm not saying you shouldn't explore other systems: please do explore non-D&D RPGs! But also, if you want to play D&D derived games, that is fine.

...Also when the whole OGL 1.0a revocation clause fails or is removed (and it almost certainly will be, there's no way that will hold up in court), I just think it would be infinitely funnier and more achievable to go full Pathfinder and let everyone who likes 5e stick to 5e derivatives as long as they want. Make Wizards hurt by ensuring they know that their former customers are still playing the game they wrote and Wizards will never see another cent for it.

Anyways, I'm also seeing some FUD. So to clarify: the new license will also have no effect on your fansongs or your characters. They were never under the OGL to begin with. Neither was the DM's Guild, since that was a program where Wizards granted IP rights for a cut of profits. Like, the new license is shitty, we don't need to invent new reasons for it to be bad.

Finally, I want to make another point about other systems. Which is that regardless of their quality, if you are going to another system to protest the tightening restrictions of the OGL, consider that that system probably never granted creators the freedoms Wizards are taking away.

FUDGE/FATE derivatives, d20 and 5e derived systems, OpenD6 and its ilk, and a handful of others. Those are the games. This isn't to say you shouldn't play other games (and giving people freedoms, letting them base their livelihoods on your product, and then ripping those freedoms away is worse than never giving them). But just... be aware that this isn't some industry standard. The fact that the OGL exists at all is a testament to the fact that 20 years ago Wizards was a much cooler and better place. And the proponents still probably had to fight like hell...

Thinking about how Estelle Blofis is explicitly described as physically resembling Paul despite having Poseidon’s sea-green eyes and literally coming out of Sally. That doesn’t say “Sally was cheating” to me, that says “Poseidon stopped by to check in after Percy disappeared and ended up really hitting things off with Paul and well to make a long story short Estelle has three parents” which in my opinion is infinitely funnier

Is there any way someone could rewrite Miraculous Ladybug? The show is very disturbing and predatory to be a kid's show

Sorry for taking so long anon, I had to have bit of a big think about this but I think (and this is only my opinion) but most of the issues stem from the Adrien family business and the A/M dynamic in and out of the suit so hopefully this answers some of your questions anon! :)

I think that as is, miraculous couldn’t be redeemed. To make it an actual, likable and less-predatory show it’d need a whole rebuild, like literally from the ground up, but it’s definitely doable.

So, lets start with the most obvious problem hm? Adrien and the Agreste Family Circus.

Number 1 thing: billionaires are bad and gross, there’s no need for them. Personally I’d make Gabriel a skeevy lawyer who’s like, hired in defense of cops and Mayor Bourgeoise (thus still giving the opportunity for Adrien and Chloe to be ‘bffs’. So Gabriel’s not rich, but he’s still got plenty of spare cash to say, go on a trip to Nepal and steal some magical jewelry for nefarious purposes.

Also we can replace the sad dead/comatose wife plot with a divorce because that’s infinitely funnier and can also kinda be used to change Adrien’s situation too. So we’ve got Emelie and Gabriel divorced (Emelie’s also something like an ARA housewife or smth idk instead of an actress - she’s also from a middleclass family so like her family is looking after her and Adrien or whatever i don’t really care) because Gabriel’s started acting Super Weird after his ‘business trip’ to Nepal.

Anyway, Adrien and Emelie moved across Paris so Adrien’s now going to a different school aka Francois DuPont but he spends the weekends with Gabriel (who’s acting really weird). Adrien’s role as deuteragonist is upgraded from “i’m sad all the time and everyone thinks i’m really really really really really good looking” to trying to cope with his parents’ divorce, coming to terms with his new role as a superhero, and investigating his dad’s increasingly eccentric and secretive behaviour. (we can also add in a bit about the different parental abuse he’s been suffering from both parents if we want to appeal to older teens too.)

With that sorted, we can get into Adrien’s predatory and entitled behaviour next. Him not being a rich model is going to leave him as a more normal kinda person, he’s not gonna have an overblown ego from having people mobbing him all the time (also no bodyguard lol). I’d start out with Adrien being a bit like he is in canon, bit of a self-centered prick really, and then have an Origins type scenario where instead of falling “in love” because Adrien’s meek but also really manipulative, Marinette would not take an ounce of his shite <3.

They can start out as kinda enemies via misunderstanding, but occasionally get glimpses of the other that they really do admire. Like Marinette’s creativity and quick mind, and Adrien can have some kind of admirable trait idk.

Which brings me to the next point: Ladybug and Chat Noir.

MAKE. THEM. FRIENDS. friendship should be the basis of their relationship. i want those two to have a boundless friendship that people would be happy to see become a romantic relationship. because of this, Marinette/Ladybug seeing Adrien/Chat Noir as like a kind of bro best friend or almost brother while Adrien slowly develops a crush on M/L would be peak dynamic.

Now that we’re talking romance, once M’s gotten through to A as civilians they could become friends and M slowly develops a crush on A. So we still get the lovesquare but it’s built off of friendship first and foremost. The changing dynamics would be a pretty easy way to build some character development and would show us that Adrien isn’t perfect and Marinette is right quite a lot (as opposed to canon).

So to sum up: most of the show’s predatory business comes from Adrien and his family’s wealth, no billionaires, show us Adrien recovering from a severe case of Major Asshole, Marinette gets to yell at awful people sometimes and FRIENDSHIP. I know this doesn’t even begin to cover the issues in the show but these are the main ones I think.

So, Google allows you to set the search background.

I’ve set it to this picture of Logan as I thought it was funny how he hovered just above the search bar:

But due to the little add thing for election and stuff, it looks like this: 

Which is infinitely funnier in my opinion.

hey!! we haven't really interacted much, but I was hoping to get to know you more!! what kpop groups are you interested in? I'm not familiar with many of them and I was wondering if you could tell me a bit about them? (no pressure, you don't have to if you don't want to!!

yeah of course I can tell you some!! my top three groups are nct, seventeen and stray kids, but i stan a handful more than those (I can talk about the other ones more if you want, I just dont wanna overwhelm u with information lol)

stray kids - my ult, currently has 8 members but started with 9 (we dont really talk about the ex member bc he turned out to be a really shitty dude), debuted in 2018 but had a predebut survival show in 2017 that determined the members of the group. even though the survival show isnt necessary viewing to stan them, I still recommend it bc it's a big part of their history (although it's kinda hard to find now with eng subs, unfortunately :/)

stray kids were monster rookies when they debuted, and (in my opinion) consistently self produce bangers. I'd recommend songs like gods menu, question, awkward silence and heros soup to get an idea of what kind of music they put out (they do a lot of different genres so I just picked a few of my favorites that arent too similar in sound). if you wanna get to know personalities more, you should probably check out some of their variety show episodes (weekly idol and whatnot, I'd recommend watching vlives but ever since they updated the website idk how to work it lol)

nct - has an infinite concept meaning the group can basically have new members whenever the company decides they want to add more. the group has subunits: nct u (interchangeable members, basically anyone can be in it depending on the song), nct dream (was supposed to be just for minors, but after fans complained a bunch about mark lee leaving the group since he was 20 years old, they made it so that there wasnt a graduating system anymore. not really sure what the concept for the group is now lol), nct 127 (none of the members leave the group but members can be added whenever) and technically wayv is apart of nct but sm (their company) half the time acts like they arent (wayv is a chinese subunit). uhhh this group is really hard to explain considering it has like 23 members now? I believe? does lots of different genres, each subunit has different dynamics, but overall they're all very talented and charming! I can't spit out facts about nct like I do skz bc I've been stanning skz since predebut but I only started stanning nct in 2018 and it's hard for me to keep up with them bc of all the different units 😭 but ik they debuted in 2016 and each subunit has put out a lot of bangers. I'll suggest a few songs from each unit tho :> (and if u wanna get to know their personalities, I'd recommend you watch variety shows for each unit like I said with skz. it's the easiest way to get to know a group, in my opinion)

wayv: moonwalk, take off, dream launch

nct u: 90s love, yestoday, the 7th sense

nct dream: my first and last, love again, 119

nct 127: cherry bomb, simon says, 0 mile

seventeen - even tho they arent my ult, this group has talent that wows me more than any other group ever. literally not a single bad song, deadass the kings of choreography AND they're funnier than any other group I've ever stanned. would highly recommend seventeen as a group to start off with because even though they have a lot of members (13), theyre very memorable and they never fail to impress.

they debuted in 2015 ? I believe ? with, as I said, 13 members. each member falls into a subunit of either dance, vocal or hip hop, but these units dont serve a huge purpose as they make most of their music as a group and then each unit will usually have a song on the album. this group produces all of their music and has a huge part in basically everything they put out, making them a self produced idol group, which I think is poggers. i also just think this group is poggers bc they've made me enjoy ballads even tho i usually find them boring as fuck. if u wanna get to know them, try watching their episode on men on a mission (it is on netflix) I genuinely think it's like the funniest variety show episode I've ever seen a group do.

some song suggestions: very nice, fear, clap, still lonely, fast pace

sorry if this is a lot, I didn't mean to just word vomit in response to this ask but kpop hyperfixation went brr and I just regurgitated everything I could think of lol

Ok guys hang on stop. In the new ww1984 trailer. Maxwell gets yeeted at that truck, right? And I can’t quite tell if it’s just my eyes or if it’s the editing or what, but that truck looks like it was aLREADY DENTED with a man-sized dent which means one of two things.

One, someone else was yeeted at the truck before.

Two, which is infinitely more funnier in my opinion, Cheetah threw Maxwell at the truck TWICE

Sanders Sides as Stupid Shit I’ve Said.

Patton: I want to adopt all dogs and cats and BECOME THEIR MOM

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Virgil: This would be funnier if I had a soul.

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Patton: You must say hi to every dog you see, that is the new rule. Break it and I kill you.

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Deceit: Fuck you, sneks are adorable.

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Logan: I am going to jump off a cliff, because all of you are stupid and I refuse to die surrounded by idiots.

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Roman: Call me back when I actually give a fuck about your opinion.

Roman: Which will be never

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Patton: What was I doing again?

Patton: Oh yeah I was………

Patton: Crap I forgot………again.

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Patton: My stomach is an infinite void when it comes to pumpkin pie.

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Roman: Listen guys, I may be stupid, but I’m not dumb.

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Taglist:

@thismightbeanaccount

why you should play the ds version of 999 first and not the nonary games version: a thread

excuse the formatting of this bc im copying it from my twitter as text, but: why you shouldn’t play the nona/ry games version of 999 on your first run, a thread. lots of this has been said by other people too but i figured i would condense my opinions + what other people have said. 999 spoilers ofc, also vague vlr spoilers later on but the 999 spoilers are a lot worse lmao.

this is ABSURDLY long and i am sorry but tl;dr spoiler free version: buy tng anyway so you can easily play vlr in hd and to support the games, but play 999 on either a ds or an emulator if you have to because boy howdy the story is really meant for this platform (if you’re replaying 999 in the tng version after originally playing the ds version none of this applies LMAO)

(also this isn't meant to at ALL be angry at people who played the t/ng port first! im sad y'all didn't get to experience the dual screen version, but at this point t/ng is much more accessible and a lot of people don't even KNOW about the ds-original thing, so it's not your fault!!  like i WISH to god that they had ported it in some dual-screen/two-screen way, but the fact that they didn't isn't anyone's fault. ok end this part y'all are so valid i just feel sad that you didnt experience the game in its Best State)

spoilers below the cut

1) the big one: the implementation of the dual screen thing. they were always going to have a hard time implementing this on not-a-3ds, but i'll start with the non-spoilery part: action mode...is bad. the fact that they force you into it. is bad. novel mode is more passable but the fact that they default you into a mode with nearly 95% dialogue-only, in a visual novel, is..pretty gross, and the fact that they force-switch you into novel mode sometimes anyway is. maybe an indication that having a 95% dialogue route in a visual novel...wasnt good

  they EASILY could have done a split-screen mode instead, and while that wouldn't have been ideal either, it would still have allowed for the incorporation of both screens simultaneously without having to make compromises

also, petty spoiler thing, but some of the dialogue rewrites to make action mode flow better took out one of my fave pieces of foreshadowing. the main example of this is in junpei's flashback thing to getting kidnapped near the beginning of the game. in t/ng, they had him voice the 'huh, did i leave that open?' line, with respect to his window being open because, you know, zero 'bout to kidnap him. in the original, this is /not/ on the top screen (i.e. voiced by junpei) - it's on the bottom screen. without quotes, i.e. it's not something he's thinking but it's there, in the same formatting as the rest of the descriptions. in other words.....zero is the one saying 'huh, did i leave that open?' in real time, foreshadowing the dual screen twist. this is SO minor in comparison to everything else for SURE but the fact that this got left out still makes me so sad bc i LOVED it. anyway.

 (also the fact that the narrative mode twist of all the random gore descriptions being food-like makes WAY more sense in retrospect with the dual screens, because of course a fucking 12 year old wouldn't know how else to describe gore lmao. this is kind of lost in t/ng because it makes it out to be more of something that jun/pei is thinking but i digress. dual screen for dual protagonists good thanks)

2) (YES IT TOOK ME THIS LONG TO GET HERE. SH) the final puzzle.....in t/ng....fucking sucks. not only because the puzzle itself sucks, which uh...it does (PASSWORD IS THE PASSWORD?? FUCKING REALLY??). but a) it loses the theme-ing of the sudoku itself since, yknow. 9s everywhere but, 

b) more importantly, it just...doesn't have the same punch to it. even ignoring the fact that the sudden upside-down-ness is one of the best ways i've ever seen a puzzle suddenly hit you with a plot twist/a revelation, in this case the 'oh shit, we were solving puzzles from akane's viewpoint the whole time and /only now/ are we truly doing it with junpei being the input source' is just. fucking masterful. explaining this is so hard but i promise it makes sense. like obviously the twist w the dual perspectives thing is revealed right before but the fact that they suddenly (literally) flip the entire game on its head is just. *chef kiss* so good. 

also, adding to this, c) the fact that the tn/g version took out the fact that you were seeing baby!kane's face while you were doing the sudoku just adds to the emotional impact of the puzzle. like, in that moment, the puzzle itself isn't the relevant factor, it's the fact that you're doing the puzzle to save her. i no joke started fucking CRYING irl when that happened bc of how hard that hit me emotionally and the fact that they didn't even have something to mimic that in t/ng makes me so goddamn sad. it's not about the puzzle, its about Saving someone via the puzzle, and they just...removed that part. h

(also another dual screen thing here bc i forgot to add it earlier: the constant perspective-swapping thing during the true end feels much less awkward on the ds since you can just naturally shift your eyes between the screens. again, minor, and there probably was never going to be a great way to implement this with a single screen regardless, but it really does flow so much better with two screens. 3ds port of tn/g when)

3) finally, a more Controversial Opinion, but the timeline flow, while absolutely great for replays, kind of ends up spoiling you on the fact that there are multiple timelines that you have to search through for the truth. i wouldn't have minded this so much if the timeline feature in t/ng only unlocked after you hit your first ending, but they didn't do that - they let you look at it from the very start, which really..misses the point of the game. 

(minor vl/r spoilers incoming) in vlr, the fact that you know you have multiple branches from the start makes sense, especially both because it's SUPER obvious that there are branching points (door choices, allying/betraying, etc). obviously 99/9 has choices like that too ala the door choices, but you're actively -not- jumping between timelines. that's the point! because junpei CAN'T jump!! he's an esper, sure, though maybe only one by accident/strong emotional connection [thats a whole different thread LMAO], but the whole point is that he can't make timeline choices  in the same way that phi and sigma can literally timeline shift.

(end v/lr spoilers here i think) tl;dr the timeline feature is great for replays bc its super anti-frustration but boy howdy they did not implement it well. final point:  the fact that you have to play 999 from the beginning every time you get an end makes sense narratively since akane has to do the same thing - she has to go through the whole route (in junpei's head ofc) over and over, she can't just skip around. again, anti-frustration feature that i'm glad they added, but you still lose something w t/ng this way

like ngl, having to fast forward through things instead of just skipping around is annoying as hell, but akane had to do the same goddamn thing! probably way more than we actually have to do it in the game, tbh. definitely this is me prioritizing certain limitations of the ds hardware as important to the narrative but you really do end up missing out if you can just skip at will

4) very minor thing that isnt actually a plot thing at all but  some of the puzzle dialogue is infinitely funnier when you have the ability to see the characters on the top screen talking at the same time you have the puzzle stuff on the bottom screen. this mostly applies to all the stuff with the cards w all the player faces on them in the...cargo room? like it's still funny without it but somehow seeing santa talking about himself on the card when he says 'that's one handsome son-of-a-bitch!' is 500x funnier when you literally see him TALKING about himself

JESUS FUCK THIS IS LONG IM SO SORRY IF YOURE ON MOBILE

Heartbreak

Heartbreak is a wretched thing. So why is it that our emotional regulations weren’t designed well enough to have a fail-safe to prevent this? Why? Why should we suffer from heartbreak? ...why do we suffer from heartbreak?

I used to, so, so long ago now it seems like, try every which way to protect myself from heartbreak. There was always something about me, maybe some sort of self-mechanized and makeshift fail-safe of sorts that I devised to help prevent what I was sure of, what I had convinced myself of at a very young age, would be a complete devastation to my very being. Even when I was a kid, I knew that there was something “off” about the way I handled my emotions. I recognized it, but I did not know how to “fix” it. Maybe that was why I was so quiet. Maybe that was why I was so careful with the words I chose at times. Maybe that was why I hid myself from others for a long time. Because I was afraid. I was terrified that somewhere, waiting in the shadows of every corner I turned, was heartbreak. I was afraid that it lurked within memories with my friends, within conversations with my parents, within moments with my siblings, within those I would come to care about. Why was my fail-safe so rigidly constructed yet so faulty? I had spent most of my life during childhood, teenage years, and adolescence building all of these walls, creating labyrinths around myself to prevent myself from running into all those things I was afraid of that would lead me to heartbreak. ...but in the end, as we all know how this story transpired, I wound up lost within this maze that I had built for(?) myself. And I ended up getting my heart broken anyway. All tired metaphors aside, I’ve always wondered--rather pointlessly, I will admit--why did this happen to me? Why, it seemed like, out of everyone around me, I was the fragile one? I was the one with the dysregulated emotions? I was the one with the easily broken heart? I felt so annoyed by these thoughts, the “woe is me” attitude the I despised so much about myself. ...but that’s part of the problem, right? The self-doubt, the self-deprecation, the self-shame, the self-hate... those were all of the things I’ve felt during those dark, dark years that made me feel so vulnerable. When I felt like those walls were caving in, even just a quiver or tremble, I would run. Run, run, run as fast as I could. ...but I’d still be lost, because let’s be honest, I was not even sure what I was running away from. And even if I did, was I even running in the right direction? History will say no. And I stand by that. ...the even funnier (stupider) thing is that when the walls were actually caving in, like I could see them crumbling and tumbling down, toppling over me, I found myself slumped down to the ground, turned over, and curled into this frozen state as I let the darkness engulf me. I get it. That’s what mental illness does. I know that that’s the non-tangential manifestations of my frail and often quite tumultuous psyche. And the times where I’ve felt like I was on this brink of happiness and heartbreak, that was when my illness was in full force. I used to blame myself... for everything. Everything that happened. We all know this about me. I’ve expressed this sentiment over and over again before. There’s that self-doubt, self-deprecation, self-shame, and self-hate. Those were the things that I should have been protecting myself again, right? I’m not special. My plight isn’t a singular instance within the infinite scale of the universe. It’s not the worst. It’s not the best. There’s really no accurate or dependable way to measure my situation. I just know that what it means, what weight it carries, it’s specific to me. That’s the thing that used to give me so much grief. I’d try to compare my own circumstances with that of others, and you just set yourself up for failure by doing so, because in all honesty, there’s no comparison between emotions... even those involved in the exact same situation. Anyway, why the hell am I writing this post, right? Hahaha! I’ve had a lot of time to think, lately. Especially about my life and all of the trials and tribulations I’ve encountered, endured, and overcome. And it got me to thinking back to all of the times that I’ve dealt with heartbreak, whether on my own scale I considered those heartbreaks great or small. Those times seem to have been greater factors in determining the directions I would tread in the time that followed. And while that statement may be misconstrued with a lot of grandeur and unintended optimism... sometimes--actually, a lot of times--it’s been met (almost) immediately with quite the opposite. The very first time I felt heartbreak, true heartbreak, it seemed at that time like I was forever fated to feel the way that I had felt at that time. I won’t belabor the details of what exactly transpired that led to that moment (as you might have guessed it is quite a long and drawn out story and it’s a pretty private story), but I will say that no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, it happened anyway. And that broke me a little bit more and made the pain of heartbreak all the worse. The pain hurt so much that I felt every sense of the word as my heart shattered into a million pieces that night. Heartbreak is a wretched thing. And it does things to you. It definitely did something to me. It made me distrusting... pretty much of all of the important people in my life. And I would see that happen once again to an even greater degree than I had ever thought possible (another story I won’t belabor because it is even more long and drawn out). I don’t know. You would think that “fool me once,” I’d learn, right? Wrong. But why am I wrong? Why didn’t I learn? Why couldn’t I learn? ... ... ...well, I think those are actually pretty rash statements, because now that I’ve made it this far and have had an appreciable amount of time to think and reflect, I’ve realized that I actually did learn. I used to think that I didn’t learn the right thing or I learned it the wrong way or I learned it too slow. Now, I’ve come to realize that everyone has their own method, their own direction, and their own time to process these feelings. And I feel like the majority of the problem that I put on myself sometimes is because I place some sort of unrealistic expectation on how I should process my emotions and how soon I should process them. The even worse part is the unrealistic expectation of how fast I should process them and “get over them.” You don’t really ever get over these things. Someone important to me told me that once. And eventually, over and over again, and as time passes, I start to heed those words a little better. A monk once told me that a lot of people may say that time is the ultimate healer, but in all actuality, some things are not meant to heal the way you think they should or want them to, and time is actually not a healer, just a mediator, moving you forward and helping you move on. And I think I’ve come to appreciate that with this most recent big reflection of mine. I’ve taken a lot of time. Measurably, two-and-a-half years’ time. And like I’ve said previously, sometimes you have to distance yourself to see things clearly. And I see things a little clearer now. And I am grateful for that time. I guess that’s my point. Everyone goes about heartbreak very differently. No two people are the same... when it comes to anything, really. Heartbreak and the emotions and the processing of those emotions are definitely no exception. So I don’t think we should ever place our own expectations on how to process heartbreak (or how to regulate any other sort of emotion) on others who may be suffering. Ease back. And give them the time that they need. That is honestly the only truly sound advice that I can ever offer, only because that was what I needed. And as part of the reflective, self-advice I have to offer anyone who may need it, you yourself, when you are suffering, should not place your expectations on others, especially when it comes to time. Time is not granted. Time is not gifted. Time is time. And all you can do is find it. I found the time I needed to process my heartbreak. It took a long while, but that was the time that I needed and thus found. I feel like the process was rocky and definitely uncomfortable, not just for myself but everyone who was a part of my life. I didn’t intend to be “away” for that long, and I’m sure no one wanted me to be "away” for as long as I did. But while I was away, I finally found time for myself to reach the realizations that I have about myself and what I need to do to be happy. I think that I came out of this a much more emotionally sound person. I appreciate more and more these grey yet more detailed parts of me that this heartbreak defined. And I would have never reached this point if I did not find the time for myself to discover this. So yes. Heartbreak is a wretched thing. But honestly, it’s as wretched as you let it be. You suffer as much as you allow the suffering to consume you. We learn that the hard way, sometimes. It’s not supposed to be easy. It’s not supposed to be pain free. It’s not supposed to be uncomplicated. A lot of things were definitely my own doing. But a lot of things were not my own doing. In my instance, and in my own personal opinion of my singular circumstances, blame does not need to be placed. I think that placing blame on specific things never really proves to be constructive. So rather than finding blame, just find time. Find the time to do what you need to do to process those emotions and discover whatever it is you feel like you needed to discover. And then move on. Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. Long post. With a lot of nonspecific things. But I felt like I had a lot to say and wanted to get out into written words.

Podcast Recs cause I'm listening to too many of them. I listened to most of these in a month.

WOLF 359:

I literally couldn't recommend this podcast enough it's a ride of excitement and stress; twists and turns that is a rollercoaster of an experience. Basically it's about this crew of three plus a friendly AI orbiting the dwarf star Wolf 359, it seems like a fun comedy until shit gets real.

This podcast has frequent stressful situations, a lot of violence, and a lot of near death experiences. It's hard to tag everything.

WE FIX SPACE JUNK:

This podcast so far is really interesting in world building and characters. It's about these two mechanics held in debt by this intergalactic corporation that go around and fix space junk.

This podcast has violence, body horror in one episode, and alien plagues.

KING FALLS AM:

This is kinda like a mix of Gravity Falls and Welcome to Night Vale. The show is told completely through radio broadcasts of the Sammy and Ben show. Though mysterious things (more mysterious than all of the other paranormal shenanigans) start happening and it's just... Great. All of the characters are wonderful and honestly hilarious, I really recommend this one it's sooooo good.

There are depictions of Gaslighting, violence, alien abductions, intense racism from one character though it's very clear that that character is a bad person and it is comedic, homophobia in later episodes, violence against sugar gliders specifically (no I'm not kidding), and one murderous elf on the shelf.

THE INFINITE NOW:

I honestly don't know what the hell goes on in this podcast but like it's pretty cool time stuff so like yeah. Its two hours tops to get through it.

This story is a bit trippy and I honestly barely remember it so I don't have much in the way of trigger warnings

JANUS DESCENDING:

This podcast is good technically I'd say but it's kinda thick if that makes sense. It feels like a chore to watch cause I don't care that much for the characters and they don't talk like normal people which is annoying. But it's still something I think is good. It's about these two scientists going to an alien planet and getting their shit fucked up thoroughly. It's genuinely terrifying at times.

There are trigger warnings in the show notes but this podcast has a lot body horror, violence, and is kinda fucked up sometimes.

TIDES:

Honestly this podcast is the next big thing in my opinion. I really liked the first season it's so interesting and it's like Janus Descending but a lot cooler and more interesting and funny. I'm really looking forward to it's next season! Basically this Xenobiologist (space animal scientist) is stranded on alien planet with intense tidal activity and the podcast is a mix of her complaining about her co-workers, surviving, and talking about the ecosystem. It's super interesting.

This podcast is kinda icky but I love it. There are depictions of small spaces and people who don't like water might not like this podcast.

EOS 10:

This is one of the big ones. It's about doctors, a cook, and an alleged space terrorist on this space station. It's really funny and I love the characters to death. The third season got a bit tricky though cause they kinda had to retcon a character out of the story cause they apparently fired his voice actor. And it gets like.... Super confusing. But still please watch it it's so good.

This story deals with alcoholism and drug addiction, along with violence, terrorism, grief, sexual interactions (though these are brief.) And medical stuff in general.

STAR TRIPPER!!!:

It's like We Fix Space Junk but 100x more positive (not saying that WFSJ is inferior, that's not true at all) and honestly it's like so sweet to watch. Things can get a bit unclear but that's okay. Also apparently the main character is nonbinary so that's great. It's about this fellow Feston who decides "fuck it" and fucks off away from their office job and goes to explore the universe with their ship (who I love btw, she's really nice)

There are occasional moments of violence and implications of sexual situations but overall it's pretty safe I think.

THE PENUMBRA PODCAST:

I haven't listened to the other storyline yet but basically it's about this private detective on mars. It's really gay like... REALLY GAY. This is the epitome of the "podcasts are really gay" posts. This podcast is what they're talking about. Aside from that is has a really interesting plot, stellar voice acting and great characters!

This podcast has depictions of violence, body horror at some point, guns (laser guns though) and abuse (there is a warning before those episodes however.

WELCOME TO NIGHTVALE

This is a genre defining podcast. All of the podcasts I just listed proably wouldn't exist without this and it's actually so good. It's fucking trippy, and it's so much fun. You can tell the creators put so much love and thought into the podcast and it's just amazing. Basically it's a radio show about this incredibly weird town. And if I have to explain it to you, that means you need to listen to it.

This podcast is very existential, and since it's just so weird and all over the place in what's weird it's hard to really tag anything, I apologise, plus it's been a while since I've listened to it.

THE ADVENTURE ZONE:

This podcast is so fucking good, you've probably already heard of it, and definitely of the producers, the McElroy family. It's these three brothers and their dad playing DnD (initially) together and I can't even describe it. But it literally made me cry so hard that I got a sinus infection.

There are depictions of violence, torture during the suffering game arc, there's an instance of bury your gays which I'm not gonna elaborate on cause of spoilers but don't worry about it. And sometimes some innuendos and sexual stuff ("hey thug what's your name I'm about to tentacle your dick" is an iconic line and a good example of that)

UNDER PRESSURE:

This podcast is about a philosophy student going to live in a underwater station and it's a lot of fun and the atmosphere of wet and uncomfortable is really excellently communicated. It's another really diverse podcast (which seems to be a trend with Procyon podcasts)

This podcast is not for people who like small spaces and deep ocean.

THE STRANGE CASE OF STARSHIP IRIS:

Maybe I'm just stupid or this one's hard to keep up on. Nevertheless I really liked the characters and it's just really fun. It's about this crew of ragtag smugglers trying to find out what's up with the former ship of their new crewmate. Featuring a lot of diversity (This is a Procyon podcast) and good voice acting.

BEAR BROOK

This is actually a true crime / nonfiction podcast about the Bear Brook murders. It's rather gory and disgusting at times but really interesting.

This podcast is not for the faint of heart though, it is a true crime podcast, and it does talk about the horrible things that a serial killer can do.

THE BRIGHT SESSIONS:

Basically therapy sessions for those with abnormal abilities. It's really good and the characters are actually so amazing. This podcast does a lot of interesting stuff that really interests me. I haven't finished it but I'm currently pretty far in. I think this podcast has the potential to actually help people with their problems.

This podcast has depictions of gaslighting, manipulation, panic attacks, mentions of torture and isolation, attempted kidnapping, actual kidnappings, depictions of war (this has trigger warnings though), and violence

TIME:BOMBS:

I'm actually sad that this is just a three part series. It's so much fun, and so good. It's by the same people who made Wolf 359 and it follows a bomb squad on New Year's Eve. Highly recommend it cause it's a really quick listen.

This podcast has bombs.

LORE:

This podcast deals with true crime and supernatural stuff and is presented in the classic podcast way. It's also really triggering cause of the true crime aspect but I seriously recommend this. It's genuinely really informative.

This podcast like Bear Brook is not for the faint of heart.

MYTHS AND LEGENDS:

This is a really interesting take on various legends it's a mix of storytelling in a very nonfictional sense that slips into dialogue that's rather interesting. I haven't listened to a lot of the episodes but it's good.

This podcast does discuss myths that were a product of their times so there are depictions and mentions of misogyny, rape and violence, even if I haven't listened to all of it.

MYTHUNDERSTOOD:

Has that same kinda switches in storytelling as Myths and Legends but a lot less coordinated and a lot funnier. Its a lot of fun to listen to the podcast and the hosts are really funny.

These also have the same tw as the podcast before this.

ALICE ISNT DEAD:

This is by one of the co-creators of WTNV it's about a trucker trying to find her lost wife. Ive only listened to the first part but it's really good and I highly recommend it. It's actually like amazing and really captivating. Also terrifying.

This podcast has depictions of intense violence, existentialism, and body horror. And probably more I haven't even finished it.

I'm sorry if I didn't include something in the trigger warnings about these podcasts, but I hope it helps. I've been listening to a lot of them and it's so much fun!

What about got7 made you like them so much

Oh, dear. This is a heavy question to wake up to and I will not be able to go about my day unless I do justice to this, so here you go lovely anon. GOT7 was not the reason I got into K-Pop, GOT7 was the reason I stayed and if any of this makes it sound like I’m bashing other groups, take my apology now. These are purely my personal opinions and I love EVERY single one of the groups I mention here.

(Please stop reading if you don’t want to read a long, lengthy rant about my love for GOT7 and shit.)

Here we go. Five Reasons I Love GOT7

1. Around 2016, I was at a point where everything in K-Pop was starting to seem rather boring and manufactured. The same practiced answers to the same questions, the same stupid games on every variety show, the same mildly problematic attitude towards sex, skin tone and everything else; this is something which you wouldn’t notice if you stick with a single group but when you’re multi-fandom and you watch so many groups go through the same routine… damn if it doesn’t feel staged after a while. If somebody handed me a mic, I think I could do a standard stage greeting, explain my title song and my ideal type just as well as any idol could. 

Honestly, at that point, Jackson was like a breath of fresh air. Every word that came out of his mouth was so different and I love the casual way in which he questions things the Korean industry takes for granted. If you haven’t seen Hitmaker yet, you must. Jackson tore Doni and Coni a new one, and I had a newfound respect for him. Yes, Jackson Wang is the reason I initially started following GOT7. Most foreign members of rookie groups keep their mouths carefully shut during early debut years because they’re scared of messing up but Jackson’s foray into the Korean industry as a foreigner felt so relatable because the moment something would happen to make me think… well, what was that? Jackson’s loose tongue would be asking the same question in a funnier way than I could have. 

This might sound odd because so many I-fans consider Jackson problematic, but damn, if I don’t think he is the most unproblematic thing as far as K-Pop goes. (More on this later)

2. Damn, if they’re not funny. Yes, a lot of groups are funny and have their moments, I’m pretty sure you could find any idol group saying hilarious things at some point or the other. But GOT7 are the most consistent with their humor. I’ll say it here; I’ve NEVER found a GOT7 video boring. (Let’s not count V-lives. Those drone on forever and are often awkward) These guys were made to entertain. They really were. 

Their interviews are also amazing to watch. Nobody gets MCs flustered like GOT7 does. (One of my favorites is this episode of Idol Battle Likes because the MC, Eunwoo, was a rookie idol and you can see the horror in his face as he tries to salvage the interview yet also the admiration because damn, these guys just do whatever the hell they want to). And this isn’t just Jackson anymore because there are interviews where Jackson isn’t around and they still manage to be hilariously funny. (Case in point: this episode of Global Request Show where Jackson is absent and Jaebum’s unprompted opening line is - “If we lose, Bambam is going to get hit in the forehead by all the members and the MCs” to a flustered baby Bam (who probably did something to piss JB off earlier) and also the classic JJP recreation. 

Not that there aren’t other idols who are also funny. The best example is BtoB, those guys are constantly on crack but their humor is a little different from that of GOT7s, lmao, it consists mostly of me crying at the screen - no, why are you doing that with your pretty face? GOT7, on the other hand, is extremely witty and I am constantly entertained. They couldn’t make us laugh more if their jokes were scripted. 

3. I feel like their relationship with each other is extremely honest. And by that, I don’t mean it’s perfect. I mean it’s honest. Listen, I don’t want to sound like an old veteran or something since I’ve only been into K-Pop for like 3 years or so, but groups are not as close as they seem. (Please don’t take this as me bashing other groups, I love all these guys, but I’m just pointing out examples). Did anyone forsee all the EXO members who left? No, because they all acted really close and tight and loyal until the last moment but now they pretend as if those members never existed. (Yes, I know SM is a snake and is probably making them do that. It still bothers me.) I’ve honestly never heard EXO talk about major fights they had. Infinite, who was my first and for a long time, my ultimate group? I did not see Hoya leaving. When I heard the rumors that a member wasn’t resigning, I was positive it was Sungyeol to go take on an acting career. Hoya doesn’t even seem to talk to the other members much anymore. I was wrong about their friendship, and that shows that there are so many things these idols hide so well from their fans. 

I think GOT7 is relatively one of the most honest groups, and that’s why Jackson keeps saying it. I firmly hope and believe that GOT7 will never spring something as horrifying as a member leaving without a proper explanation. (Not saying that nobody will ever leave. They might choose to take a different path. But I hope and believe it’ll be done the right way, not with radio silence and deflections of awkward questions. Like how Sistar disbanded in such a cool way, writing handwritten letters to the fans explaining their decisions and having an amazing last stage). 

I have also never heard a group talk so freely about the fights they had. I mean, dude. Mark breaking the AC and throwing a laptop at Bam? Jackson and Jaebum fighting over the chicken? I know this sounds funny right now but those were probably extremely serious fights at the time they happened and it’s a testament to their relationship that GOT7 are constantly telling stories about their past fights. I don’t see other groups that tell stories about real fights so often. I really don’t. (Except for totally veteran groups that have been around for like a decade, but guys… I think Seungri and Heechul make up half the stuff they say for entertainment, lmao). 

4. They deal with so much unnecessary hate. Raise your hands if you’re never heard the phrase GOT7 is problematic. Like, wow. There are idols out there who’ve gotten caught doing illegal drugs, have DUIs to their name, participated in financial scandals and harassing fans but GOT7 who have literally never hurt a soul or broken the law are the problematic ones, okay. Sure. 

God, I just hate when people think they’re racist. Guys, open your eyes. GOT7 are the most inclusive group out there. They might be a little stupid at times but they have their hearts in the right places. (HAS NOBODY SEEN THIS VIDEO OF WHEN THAT ASSHOLE HYUNMOO SAID NAMJOON SPEAKS BLACK ENGLISH AND JACKSON SHUT HIM DOWN IN 0.5 SECS?) Don’t get me wrong, Namjoon is my bias in BTS, but I never heard anyone bash him for how problematic he was in his early days. He apologized and people are okay with it but somehow GOT7 still gets pulled up for the dumbest shit. 

Like fuck, guys, half the people who bashed Yugyeom have probably consumed alcohol underage too. Bambam is a little stupid at times, but he’s not racist. Give Mark a break, he’s been in Korea for years, when do you think the last time he hung out with his American friends was? People change, give him the benefit of the doubt. I’m not responsible for the shit my childhood friends get up to. Jaebum was joking with his fans. You can’t say that an idol is so cool for being savage with his members and then suddenly backtrack when he gets savage with you, lmao. Just be savage back to him. It’s banter and I love it. It’s much better than hearing meaningless ‘oh you all mean so much to me’ only to find out the idol fucking leaves the group without a word 2 months later. 

So yeah, I have a protective instinct over GOT7. If one of them actually ever does something problematic then they’re getting called out for it, but come on. Let’s not just make them victims all the time. We know how that feels. I was going through a bad time when GOT7 was getting hate and I connected with them personally. 

5. Finally, GOT7 are the underdogs and I always root for them. To me, they’re that group that has amazing potential and while they’re not completely underrated, there’s this feeling that they’ve gone up to a certain point and now it’s hard to go further. It’s pretty clear from the way the members talk, especially Jackson, Jaebum and Jinyoung, that they’re worried they’ve hit their peak. (Have you guys heard of the 5-year jinx?) I think it’s extremely admirable how they’re putting in all their efforts towards making sure that doesn’t happen because listen. They have money, they have comfortable lives and they can sort of relax and do that thing idol groups do where they half-heartedly put out an album every 12-18 months just for the heck of proving they haven’t disbanded yet. But they’re not, they’re still doing multiple comebacks this year because they want recognition and that is something that resounds with me. 

It’s one thing to be stuck at dirt bottom and give up. It makes me cry to see all those idol groups from underrated companies that die out and never make it, who end up quitting and looking for other options in life. The ones who struggle despite not even making a lot of money. That’s terrible. 

But you know what else is terrible? That feeling that you haven’t lost completely. No, you’re not at the bottom, you did pretty well for yourself but you’re not there yet. You can’t turn back and quit completely, but you also have that last mile left to go and that honestly, that last mile is the hardest. I personally relate to that feeling. It’s the feeling that you’re somewhere up there but you’re not at the top and it’s not hard work or determination or talent that matters anymore, it’s just fucking luck. 

I hope and pray that GOT7 cross that last mile to reach the top in their careers and when they do, I want to be there with them so they can inspire me to cross my own barriers. 

Ranking : John Carpenter (1948 - present)

If one were to name off ten American directors from the past half-century or so in rapid fire fashion, I’d be willing to put money on the table that a vast majority would have the name John Carpenter on that list.  His impact on horror, suspense and psychological thriller films is undeniable, and his prolific ability to score his films with iconic music he creates puts him in the realm of legends.  For a director that dwells in the areas usually set aside for disposable box office fodder, it is surprising that at least five of his films (and possibly more, depending on who’s doing the debating) could be consider bonafide classics.

Perhaps the most interesting thing about putting this list together was the discovery and true understanding of just how much range that Carpenter is capable of, even if his films are distinctly his both in terms of genre-based elements and directorial style.  When it comes to the films Memoirs of an Invisible Man (a personal favorite from my pre-teen years) and Starman, I didn’t even realize they were John Carpenter films because they were so different from what I’d come to know him for.  Revisiting the films I was familiar with gave me great joy, and taking in the films I’d overlooked or passed on gave me a deeper understanding of John Carpenter not only as a creative spirit, but as a man trying to stake a claim to his voice in an industry famous for conformity.  

With that being said, I took all eighteen of John Carpenter’s feature length films and ranked them in terms of my personal enjoyment and opinion.  As always, the floor is open for discussion, so feel free to share your thoughts and open up a dialogue, and enjoy!

18. The Ward (2010) I’m going to be 100% honest with you all… coming in to this list, I pretty much had already decided that Ghosts of Mars was going to anchor this list.  Fifteen movies in, it felt like my prediction would come to be.  But then, something funny happened… The Ward showed up in my mailbox courtesy of Netflix DVD.  I watched the film, and so many other films came to mind : Girl, Interrupted… One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest… Shutter Island… Session 9… Unsane… The Jacket… the list goes on and on.  That’s the thing about this film… nearly 40 years in, the last thing you’d expect John Carpenter to be is derivative.  The Ward really wants to be an asylum thriller, a revenge-based ghost story and a period piece, but it never really commits to any of its aspirations, and what we’re left with is 90 minutes of Amber Heard, and in an information age obsessed with cancel culture, what’s going on in her personal life is infinitely more compelling than what she’s going through in The Ward.  There are some good shots of fire in the film, and Mamie Gummer is acting circles around everyone she shares the frame with, but otherwise there’s not much to this one.  Hopefully this won’t be the last film of Carpenter’s career.

17. Ghosts of Mars (2001) If nothing else, Ghosts of Mars is an ambitious film.  What it lacks in coherency, it makes up for in its amalgamation of ideas.  The film is all at once a prisoner transport film, a film about a team of crack operatives, a film featuring a revolt and a tale about respecting the land that you intend to exploit for its resources.  It sets itself up to be a John Carpenter take on Rashomon, with a number of stories being told through a singular unreliable narrator (due to the lack of those left to tell their own story).  While there are some good ideas present in this film, not to mention some wonderful examples of non-traditional casting for an action movie, Ghosts of Mars falls short in its need to be everything to everyone.  The film has garnered a cult following since its release, but as someone who saw this in theaters during its initial run, it still doesn’t do it for me.

16. Vampires (1998) If From Dusk till Dawn isn’t enough to satisfy your Vampire Western cravings, then I humbly submit to you John Carpenter’s swing at the mixture in the form of Vampires.  All the earmarks of both genres are present : a crack team of experts hit hard and early, an undercurrent of religion that neither praises nor damns it, a seemingly insurmountable antagonist with a single-minded blind focus, and even a damsel in distress forced to rough it with the roughnecks.  Like many of his films, the Carpenter score plays unofficial star against the bananas series of events laid out.  Speaking of crazy events, leave it to the likes of James Woods and Daniel Baldwin to take what could be best classified as pulp material and elevate it into the realms of honest entertainment.  While not as flashy or fantastic as some of his previous films, the special effects work is effective (no pun intended), with a nice batch of memorable kills sprinkled throughout the film.  If this film would’ve been made in the 1980s, I would argue that it could’ve been timeless, but unfortunately, it screams of the 1990s in all the ways that make a film dated, which is even funnier when you consider it was released near the end of the decade.  Vampires is fun, but I’d be lying if I called it a classic.

15. Assault on Precinct 13 (1976) Assault on Precinct 13 marks the proper feature debut for John Carpenter, with Dark Star essentially being a glorified student film.  Interestingly enough, the film has a ton of representation across the board in its casting, making it one of the more diverse films released on a major level with its Black lead and strong supporting cast featuring women, Black and Hispanic actors/actresses.  At the time the film was released, the gang problem was going from an underground and isolated situation to more of a widespread panic, and Assault on Precinct 13 provides plenty of subtext in terms of how gangs are viewed, the perception of their impact on the community and, most importantly, their everlasting struggles with the police.  Speaking of the police, there are some subtle jabs at the inept practices of police in terms of administration and the way the handle prisoners, all of which lead to a perfect storm of despair for our protagonists.

14. Escape from L.A. (1996) This film marked the final collaboration between Kurt Russell and John Carpenter, and what an odd one to finalize such a rich and fruitful collaborative relationship.  There are some things about the film that definitely work… Snake Pliskin is (and always will be) magic on the screen.  Los Angeles certainly had the landmarks and the culture suitable for stylizing into a post-apocalyptic labyrinth of dangers.  The statements the film makes on the moral majority and the isolation of people over cultural and ideological differences works as a harbinger for what could be in an extreme example, and has only become more relevant as time has passed.  That being said, this film seems to not know whether it wants to be a comedy on the sly, or whether it’s just accepting of taking the often occasional odd detour for seemingly aesthetic purposes, which makes sense when one realizes that the film spent a decade in development hell simply because Carpenter was afraid to pull the trigger on a script he felt was “too light, too campy”.  While a departure in comparison to Escape from New York, and definitely a tonal shift from the vast majority of the Carpenter films, it does have its moments… unfortunately, the moments are not frequent enough to put this one in the upper echelon of Carpenter’s work.

13. Dark Star (1974) For a debut film, Dark Star already had enough elements to be distinctly John Carpenter… the use of an ensemble cast, DIY special effects, a John Carpenter score, and hilariously, a Kurt Russell facsimile in the form of Cal Kuniholm.  Oddly, this is really the only proper science-fiction film in the Carpenter canon (outside of the flop turned cult semi-classic Ghost of Mars), with several pieces of machinery requiring voice casting due to their intelligence and autonomy.  Dark Star is also unique within the Carpenter legacy due to its reliance on wit, logic and humor more so than star power and wild premises, making it one of the more cerebral films made by Carpenter.  On a personal note, my old friend Thomas spent YEARS trying to get me to watch this film, and after finally taking the time to do so, I’d love to have those years back to commit to the fandom of this film.  It’s sadly been a bit lost to time, but it’s one of the John Carpenter films that I like to recommend the most, as it definitely deserves to be remembered.

12. The Fog (1980) After a massive hit like Halloween, I’m sure expectations from viewers and critics alike was sky high.  With his follow-up after his first foray with fame, John Carpenter released The Fog, a supernatural affair with a much more deliberate pace than anything he’d previously released.  Perhaps it was this slower, more methodical approach, combined with an extremely powerful use of subtle practical effects, that makes The Fog feel more like an uneventful slow burn than it actually is.  More so than any film he’d released previously, The Fog pulls you in over your head into its tone and mood, and while nothing much on the fantastic side occurs, there are levels to visual stimulus used to engulf viewers in an emotion matching those within the world of The Fog.  The sound design for The Fog does a great bit of the heavy lifting as well, which is something that should be noted, as it is some of the best work in that realm that Carpenter and company executed for any of his films.  A subtle masterpiece, but it feels like the victim of being made on borrowed time, kind of like an album made by a band while in the midst of touring their breakout release.

11. Prince of Darkness (1987) In-between two of John Carpenter’s most outstanding and wonderfully outlandish offerings came Prince of Darkness, a deeply methodical slow burn that parks itself firmly in the intersection of science and religion and mines it for horrific fodder.  Tinges of science fiction, mystery, horror, espionage and the supernatural are all working in tandem to create a literal house of horrors filled with intellectuals blind to the proof right in front of their eyes.  As the midpoint of Carpenter’s self-appointed Apocalypse Trilogy (which also features The Thing and In The Mouth of Madness), it certainly continues the tradition of unfolding mysteries and threats that transition from vessel to vessel.  Carpenter’s score is doing overtime in terms of setting the mood, nearly establishing itself as a physical presence in the manner that it accents what is presented visually, and the use of color is a bit more expressive than what is normally found in the Carpenter production style.  The insect motif is also a nice touch, as it serves to literally make your skin crawl moments before traditional scares occur.

10. Christine (1983) On paper, the combination of a Stephen King story told through the lens of John Carpenter sounds fantastic, and Christine is definitely the type of Stephen King story that can fit the Carpenter bill.  Being a teenager can be a frustrating section of life, and for the vast majority, the day that you own a car symbolizes an important step towards maturity and freedom.  Stephen King took this ages old scenario and made it a deeper story about finding yourself outside of the protection and orders of others (be it dictator parents, picture perfect friends or a possessed vehicle), and John Carpenter picks up on every nuance of this subtext.  Outside of Harry Dean Stanton, the film is cast mostly absent those in the realms of star power (and with all due respect, calling Stanton a traditional star is a stretch)... for my money’s worth, I imagine that Carpenter did this consciously in order to let Christine be the star of her story.  Halloween proved that Carpenter knew a thing or two about horror films, and Christine shows that he can apply that formula with such precision that an inanimate object becomes terrifying.

9. Starman (1984) Starman is one of those movies that I’ve always been familiar with, but never took the time to seek out and watch… so much so that I didn’t even realize that it was a John Carpenter film until I started working on this list.  Tonally, the film differs from other John Carpenter offerings, as it has more Spielberg energy to it than it does Carpenter stylings (although it does embrace the use of practical special effects, albeit outside of a battle or shock-based context).  The invasiveness of an alien lifeform morphing into your lost love one right before your eyes is certainly jarring, but it makes for a stellar hook that yanks the viewer right into the heart of the narrative matter.  By using Jeff Daniels’ Starman as a surrogate for someone with no understanding of human customs, Carpenter is able to extoll core human values without coming off as holier than thou or preachy, all the while setting up a buddy road trip scenario in order to accelerate the interaction between his leads and capture some countryside photography along the way.  For a director known for doing the most, Starman is a surprisingly tender venture, succeeding via the use of less from a director associated with always doing more.

8. Village of the Damned (1995) The best thing about Village of the Damned is how much it feels like John Carpenter hitting the randomizer button and striking gold with every bit of output.  Do you dig small creepy towns?  How about unexplained weather anomalies?  Strange occurrences and phenomena?  A cult made up of psychic kids with mind control abilities that woke up and chose violence?  Maybe even a little conspiracy and paranoia?  This film has all of that and then some.  The film actually stands out as one of the best looking in the Carpenter canon, with a surprisingly vivid use of color implemented that offsets the shades of grey the children are bathed in.  Everything about this movie is drenched in a heavy creep factor, especially the performances of the children, who manage to be so pitch perfect in their characterizations that it is genuinely unsettling.  Watching this story unfold is one of the most enjoyable experiences presented by Carpenter, and it stands as an example of when a fascinating concept is met with brilliant execution.

7. Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992) Memoirs of an Invisible Man came out at an interesting crossroads between my budding interest in film, the idling of John Carpenter’s career, and the downward spiral that was Chevy Chase’s career.  Looking at it through an objective lens is rough, but time (and the task at hand) has allowed me to do so, and I find that I still enjoy this film as much now as I did then.  The special effects at the time were downright jaw-dropping, and many of them still hold up.  The practical effects help sell the illusion, so much so that the illusion is implied in points that it would be a budgetary burden and still manages to not distract.  With Chase in the lead, one would imagine that the film would be funny, and while not a comedy, it does allow for several beats of well-timed comedic moments.  At the time, the film’s narrative was panned for being uninspired, but in my opinion, some of the harsh judgement may have come from the expectations set by the careers of Carpenter and Chase.  While not your standard John Carpenter affair, the film does showcase his ability to “play the game” and create solid work, even if it continues to be harshly judged and misunderstood.

6. Escape from New York (1981) When it comes to actors connected to directors, it’s usually not long before the pairing of Kurt Russell and John Carpenter comes up, and Escape from New York marks the genesis of this cinematic bond.  With his traditional good looks, no-nonsense attitude and penchant for sharp wit, Russell was the perfect leading man for Carpenter’s vivid cinematic exploitation ventures.  As for Escape from New York, the city had yet to undertake its Disneyfication of the 1990s, and the movie stands as a bleak vision of what the crime and moral dissonance of the city (and era) could lead to if taken to the extreme.  Creating the worst place in America as an inescapable pit to drop the President into immediately sets the stakes high, and with little to no background, we are given the one man seemingly capable of achieving against impossible odds in the form of Snake Pliskin.  Like some kind of urban Mad Max, Escape from New York gets wilder and wilder as the minutes tick away, making it one of the most iconic New York films to date, and one of the strongest offerings from John Carpenter during his legendary run.    

5. Halloween (1978) The first of many John Carpenter classic films, and arguably the most iconic of the bunch.  Three films in, John Carpenter not only managed to turn one of the biggest profits in independent film history, but he created one of the all time great movie monsters in Michael Myers.  The film put Jamie Lee Curtis on a rocket to success, turning her from a burgeoning television hopeful to a certified rising Hollywood star in just one role.  In terms of pure production, the trend of growth continued for Carpenter as his cinematography gained more freedom of expression, the performances from his actors and actresses felt more natural, and quite possibly most importantly, his scoring ability was hitting maximum resonance, with the main theme of Halloween being equally as iconic as Michael Myers himself.  The film has become an October staple for the masses, but manages to be enjoyable any time of the year due to its sheer ability to entertain and frighten audiences.  If one were looking for a singular example of the John Carpenter aesthetic, Halloween stands out as a smart choice.  Bonus points to John Carpenter for giving the Howard Hawks produced version of The Thing a shoutout two whole films before remaking it.

4. In the Mouth of Madness (1994) Films about collective psychosis are nothing new… be they fodder for popcorn consumption such as Fallen or Identity, or teetering on the realms of art like Jacob’s Ladder, they are always a strong foundation for something memorable.  Maybe that’s why In the Mouth of Madness seems at once exciting and familiar while watching it, as collective psychosis provides John Carpenter with plenty of ingredients to make his trademark-worthy best.  Building an entire referential lore around fictional fiction writer Sutter Cane builds all kinds of abstract immersion layers to explore, especially with direct references (and delightful digs) at Stephen King and his Multiverse.  Sam Neill and Julie Carmen take us by the hand and yank us through the innovative twists and turns with wonderful chemistry, with Neill giving an especially cavalier performance.  The film has a billion and a half production touches that put the creep factors on overdrive, with some of the directing choices nearing the realms of Lynchian.  It’s also a nice touch to hear Carpenter back in the scoring chair (even in a shared capacity).  Films like this one aren’t done justice via rumination, review or commentary… it’s best to just dive in and deal with the repercussions on the other side of it all.  

3. They Live (1988) John Carpenter has made some amazing films in his time, but there are a small chosen few that contain genius-level writing and execution.  Of this upper class of films, it’s arguable that They Live is both the most entertaining and the most thought provoking in terms of what it is saying (not to mention how much more relevant that message has gotten over time).  A damning examination of capitalism, mass consumption, class divides, media influence and the use of police state tactics, Carpenter paints his science fiction with bold strokes of relevant facts that many often choose to ignore.  The action in the film is top notch (including quite possibly one of the best fight scenes ever captured on film between Roddy Piper and Keith David), the makeup work on the aliens is instantly iconic, and the story not only sticks with you, but contains aesthetic elements reminiscent of Jenny Holzer’s influential artwork while being used for an identical purpose.  If this list centered solely on John Carpenter minor box office successes that became top tier cult classics, They Live would likely occupy the top spot.

2. The Thing (1982) The Thing is one of those movies that works on so many levels that it’s hard to fathom.  The shorthand used to set up the story gives you a clear understanding of the situation with minimal use of exposition that is replaced by loads of character and world building.  The threat is initially unclear, but the indication of its eventual impact kicks off the film with context that is only understood after your first complete viewing.  John Carpenter turned over the scoring helm to Ennio Morricone, perhaps the only individual who could score a Carpenter film better than Carpenter himself, and the results are classic.  The special effects work is brilliant, as it is not only initially shocking to see the terrifying transformations the creature undertakes, but it is deeply traumatic in a way that sticks with viewers permanently.  Carpenter could not have asked for a better ensemble cast, especially considering that it seems like everyone came prepared to play team ball rather than try and outshine one another.  It’s always fascinating to me that this film was widely rejected both critically and at the box office upon release, as it took me way too long to get around to this one (and I was only 3 at the time of release).  I’ve always encountered nothing but deep fandom for the film, and rightly so, as this film is a masterpiece that deserves every piece of praise it receives.

1. Big Trouble in Little China (1986) What doesn’t this film do right?  Kurt Russell is giving his all as Jack Burton, and the film beautifully wraps itself around him in a hurricane of action-based slippery slopes.  Setting the film in San Francisco automatically gives it a memorable aesthetic, and locking down the majority of the film in iconic Chinatown is nothing but cinematic gold.  We’re told that we’re going to get an unbelievable story, then we meet our everyman that will guide us along on our journey, but very quickly his expectations (and by extension, ours) are blown clear out of the water, and things continue to escalate at an exponential rate.  Memorable runs in high quantity and quality for this venture… some of the most quotable John Carpenter film lines come from Big Trouble in Little China, his score for the film ranks high among the canon, the special effects are electrifying (pun intended), the action is high octane, and the martial arts is treated with complete respect in its presentation.  Outside of They Live or Vampires, this is arguably the most fun film of the Carpenter collection, and is almost guaranteed to turn the unfamiliar into fans.