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#what the fuck is this?
brewed-pangolin · 2 months
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Soap MacTavish doesn't buy you a box of chocolates for Valentine's Day.
That's too cliché. Too predictable.
Instead, he buys a bag of jolly ranchers and spends the entire day pushing each flavor into your pussy and sucks on them from within the pulsating walls of your cunt.
Chocolate ain't got nothin on your cherry flavored juices.
He does the immediately following eating the edible underwear because he's a menace and I need to be sedated
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introspectivememories · 11 months
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at the center of gotham, lies its oldest public hospital — gotham general. it’s staff are kind and compassionate, if a little intolerant of bullshit. the city may not care about the crimes that occur in it but the people certainly do. gotham’s emergency services are renowned throughout the nation as one of the best. 
the ER nurses at gotham general love to gossip and their latest is about how their ever-reliable EMT bernard dowd, who'll rush into burning buildings if he thinks he can save one more person, who smiles so brightly and brings them cupcakes on his days off but has such sad eyes, seems so lonely. they determinedly decide to find a date for him. maybe dr. zacharia thomas, their latest trauma surgeon? yes, yes! he's only a few years older, bernard knows him, they get along, and most importantly, he's got a stable job. he'll be perfect for their bernard!
and then, literally only days after they decide to set up dr. zacharia and bernard on a date, head trauma nurse marissa santos comes running in with a copy of gotham daily, clutched in her hand.
"look! look! nakita mo ba ang balita?" she whisper-yells, "did you see the news?!"
instantly they're all crowding around her, trying to see the paper. covering the front page is a blurry photo of a black-haired man engaged in a passionate game of tonsil-hockey with someone who is unmistakably their youngest EMT. he's still wearing his uniform for christ's sake! in the largest font known to man, "WAYNE'S NEW PARAMOUR?" is written at the top.
"he's dating the wayne ceo!" marissa gushes excitedly.
"isn't he a little too old for bernard?" someone pipes up from the back.
"not the father, you idiot! the son! timothy!"
that's way better than their candidate. everyone is stoked. by nightfall, everyone in the ER knows that bernard dowd is dating timothy drake-wayne, the youngest ceo wayne enterprises has ever had.
when bear stops by, at around 2 in the morning, dropping of the last patient from his shift, he's immediately accosted by the nurses.
"whoa! hey!" he exclaims as they lead him to the nurse's station and sit him down in a chair, "what's going on?"
marissa slams the paper down in front of him, "spill."
bernard groans and turns cherry red, "oh my god tita. don't you guys have patients to attend to?"
"already taken care of." nurse gu says.
"what about mr. gomez, the one with third degree burns that just came in?" bernard tries desperately.
"dr. zacharia is already on it." dr. esperanza responds, "so spill."
their youngest tries one last time, "how do you even know if that's me?"
"there are like 10 blonde people in the EMT department and considering all of them are older than you and none of them seem to have the three ear piercings that kid in this picture does, we're gonna have to assume it's you." dr. farah nasim, one half of the head of the ER, says.
bernard turns on her with a betrayed look.
"sorry kid," she snorts, "also, you're still wearing your uniform in the photo. it says 'dowd' on the shoulder."
"im too old to be bossed around like this." he mutters before sighing, "alright what'd'ya want to know?"
"tell us everything!" marissa says, "how did you two meet?"
"we were friends in high school and we fell out of touch after junior year. he hit me up on insta 6 months ago and we reconnected."
"oh my god!! they're high school sweethearts!" nurse gu squeals, "that's so cute!"
"tell us more! who asked who out?"
"okay well, technically he asked me out but he didn't know he was asking me out. but we went on this date at this restaurant and it got attacked by some villain and red robin, but he was going by robin at the time, rescued. so i told robin, 'hey if i make it out of this, tell tim drake, i would've liked to finish our date'. and then, tim, shows up at my door the next day and says 'i don't know what this feeling i get when i'm near you is, but i'd like to find out'. and the rest is history."
"bernard, what the hell?" dr. esperanza says shocked, "that's the most rom-com-esque story i've ever heard."
"what?" bernard blushes, "no it's not."
"bear," esperanza says slowly, "he showed up at your door and said 'i don't know what this feeling i get when i'm near you is, but i want to find out.' that is something straight out of the notebook."
"no, no! he's such a dork!" bernard assures them frantically, "he does this thing, when he laughs too hard, he snorts and it sets him off again and it just keeps going. and you should've seen him in high school, the biggest skater boy to ever exist. he's teaching me..."
and bernard goes on and on for the next 15 minutes, trailing off only when he notices them all smiling at him.
"what?" he says shyly.
"you're in love with him, aren't you?" dr. farah says.
bernard chokes, "what?! no! ...maybe?"
everyone shares a look between each other. marissa steps forward, "well on behalf of the gotham general ER staff, i can assure you, we all approve."
"thank you?"
"bring him around sometime!" nurse gu says, "we'd all like to meet him."
"why? so you can give him the shovel talk?"
"of course!" dr. farah says, smiling widely, "he’s dating our youngest! we have to threaten him!"
bernard's voice is suspiciously wet when says a few moments later, "thanks guys."
and so on it goes for the next few months until marissa comes back after her break, deathly pale. everyone worries but she refuses to tell anyone what's wrong. and then a few weeks later, nurse gu goes on his break and comes back shocked. and then a month later, dr. zacharia comes back from a quick step outside, lips sealed shut.
and on it goes until there is one glaring truth the gotham general ER night staff cannot ignore:
bernard dowd is dating red robin. open relationship or cheating, to be determined.
a year after the news about tim drake and bernard had been released, and half a year after the, what the staff has taken to calling it, Red Robin Scandal™ began, dr. farah calls a night staff meeting.
the staff meeting is boring as usual until the end when dr. farah opens the conversation to the staff to voice their concerns.
"are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?" dr. esperanza asks.
"i think bernard might be cheating on his boyfriend!" marissa blurts out before slapping her hands over her mouth, horrified.
“oh thank god.” esperanza sighs.
"wait you saw them too?" nurse gu asks.
"in the narrow walkway," dr. zacharia starts.
"between the ER and jacobson building." dr. esperanza finishes.
"exactly!" marissa says.
"i caught them in the parking lot once." dr. farah admits, mouth pressed into a grim line, "they were pressed up against the fence in the back — y'know where the light doesn't shine? — kissing each other like they'd just come back from world war 2."
"ay, how could that boy be so stupid?" marissa sighs, "getting caught up with a vigilante?"
"maybe it's like polyamory?" esperanza says, ever hopeful.
"whatever it is," farah says, "he should know better than to get involved with those people. we have to talk to him."
they pull bernard into an unused conference room, just the 5 of them, 3 weeks later.
"hey, hey!" bernard exclaims as they shove him into a chair, "what's going on?"
nobody speaks.
"guys?"
"are you cheating on tim drake?"
"what?"
"are you cheating on tim drake?" marissa repeats.
"no! why would you think that?"
"everyone on the night staff has caught you kissing red robin at least once. wanna try that again?" farah says.
bernard sighs, "is that what this is about? doc, i swear to god, i'm not cheating on tim."
"so he knows?" zacharia asks.
"yes zach, tim knows about me and red robin."
"and he's okay with it?"
"yes. tim doesn't mind me dating both of them." bernard says, a smile playing on his lips.
nobody speaks for a while.
"so..." bernard breaks the silence first, "are we good here? do you approve?"
"no." esperanza says, "we don't approve."
"what?"
"he's no good for you." nurse gu says.
"you don't even know him." bernard says incredulously.
"oh and you do?" zacharia says scathingly, "he's a vigilante bear. how much do you really know?"
"more than you zach!"
pleadingly bernard turns toward farah, "c'mon doc, you don't agree do you?"
"you know, when you first started dating tim drake, i had my reservations. rich people and all that. but i figured with all that money, if you ever got roped into rich people problems, tim's money would help out. you'd be taken care of and he clearly loves you, so i didn't mind too much."
"but this..." farah trails off, "i can't accept this."
turning towards marissa, "tita, please."
"don't do that, bear. wag kang tanga. it's not good to be with him."
"he loves me! is that not enough?" bernard near-yells, "i thought that's what you wanted. someone who loves me!"
"enough to quit being a vigilante?" esperanza asks.
"quit being a vigilante? are you guys hearing yourself?" bernard asks angrily, "he saves the city on a near-nightly basis and you want me to ask him to give it all up because what? he's dating me?"
"so let him save the city without you." nurse gu says, "why does he need to drag you into it?"
"he's not dragging me into anything! i am a full consenting adult! i chose him! what’s so different about what he and i do anyway?"
“well for one, our job is legal. and two, there are safety measures put in place so that you don’t get hurt. so that your coworkers don’t get hurt. your man walks into the joker’s lair with an inch of kevlar and a prayer on his lips.” zacharia says.
nurse gu sighs, "look. nobody here is mad at him for saving the city. everyone here knows somebody who has been saved by the bats. but the deal is that they save the city and they don't drag anybody else into it."
"the bats, whoever they are? they chose that life. for whatever reason, they chose that life and all the dangers that go with it. you’re not stupid bear, don’t get involved with whatever he has going on. pick literally anyone else.” farah says.
“you need a third person that badly? take zach! the ER was planning on setting you up with him before we found out about tim, anyway.”
“what?” zacharia says, rounding on nurse gu.
“you know what?” bernard says, pinching the bridge of his nose tiredly, “ i don’t have to explain myself to you guys.”
“you can’t marry him.” marissa says.
“who said anything about marriage? i’m 22!”
“you clearly love tim. you two seem like you’re going to last a while and if you love red robin they way you love tim, them somewhere along those years of being together then you’re going to start thinking of marriage. what then? how are you going to explain red robin to the people you love?”
“we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”
“look, bernard,” farah says gently, “we’re not doing this cause we don’t want you to be happy. you mean a lot to me, i think of you as my son. we just-”
“you’re not my mom.” bernard snaps out, “you’re not my mom, you’re not my aunt, my uncle, my brother. you guys aren’t anything to me!”
he turns and walks away.
“farah do something.” marissa hisses.
“let him go. he said he’s an adult right? then let him make his choices.”
“but,” she says, raising her voice so bernard can hear her, “if anything goes wrong, and i mean anything at all, i hope he knows that adults don’t have to do everything by themselves. that they can ask people for help.”
bernard’s hands still on the doorknob. “thank you.” he says voice rough, “nothing will happen, but thank you for the offer.” and he walks out the door.
bernard dowd, is 22 year old EMT that has too much heart and not enough brain. he’ll rush into burning buildings if he thinks he has even a minute chance of saving someone. he’s kind and he’s sweet and more importantly, he’s dating timothy drake-wayne, ceo of wayne enterprises.
if you ask the ER night staff at gotham general, after a lot of prodding, they might tell you that bernard dowd was one of the youngest EMTs to ever join the gotham county emergency medical services. they might tell you that bernard dowd has been wondering if he should become an AEMT or a paramedic. they might tell you that as the major receiver for all patients, bernard saw them all the time and imprinted on them like a baby duck. and if you’re really close they might, tell you the ER’s biggest secret: bernard dowd is dating both timothy drake-wayne and red robin. or they might just let you walk in on them making out behind the ER. whatever comes first really.
(if you get close enough to a certain group of people on the ER night staff, they’ll tell you that bernard dowd has two hands and he uses them to hold onto his boyfriends. 
they’ll tell you that tim drake is a nice boy and they’re a little worried about their bernard fitting into the circles a wayne walks in, but he’s a nice boy who clearly loves bernard, so they’re not too worried.
they’ll tell you that that red robin character is no good for their bernard and has no business getting so close to their youngest. that red robin is going to get bernard into trouble one day, the kind of trouble that you don’t come back from.
and if you get really close to them, they’ll tell you over lunch breaks and muttered whispers, that both boys are going to break their youngest’s heart. and that if they had to pick, red robin will do it first. that their bernard loves a little too deeply and that they're worried that it’ll break bernard.
but they’re not too worried, they say. because bernard has them and if that bastard red robin breaks his heart, then they’ll pick up the pieces, they’ll sew him back together if they have to. after all, bernard stitches up half of gotham every night, this is the least they could do.)
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charles-pitlane · 1 year
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babygirl? babygirl.
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cupcakeslushie · 3 months
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HELPPP, I RAN OVER A PERSON WITH MY BIKE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO 😭😭😭😭
Um if this is some meme, or joke I have no context. But if this is like…real? Um maybe don’t send weird stuff like this to a stranger on the internet, and call an ambulance if they’re hurt?? I don’t know what you’re looking for.
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fiveisthedaddyhere · 2 years
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Diego is the revolted emo who loves wear black and in the minor inconvenience burst out in a wave of fury. I'm very sure he would listen to Olivia Rodrigo in secret
Allison was in her dark emo phase in season 3. Like, very very dark. Where life is a shit, God is dead and she only wants every single soul who dares to cross her path to suffocate into a plastic bag
Klaus is Klaus. He's such a richie emo, I'm not going to elaborate. You can (re)watch the series and reach your conclusions
Five, alright, you saw him in s3? Everything bout him screamed EMO. He's finally liberting the emoness inside him. He listens to rock. Deal with people is difficult. His life is blood. He burns this shit to the ground. He's a senior emo.
Both Umbrella!Ben and Sparrow!Ben are emo.
Umbrella!Ben loves gothic books, is a misunderstood romantic and cries himself to sleep at night (or at least used to when he was alive because he's a ghost and OH being dead is very emo of his part)
Sparrow!Ben is an emo in denial, but you fool nobody sir. You can wear your "rich boy" clothes, call other people emo as an insult and change your hairstyle from the end of season 2 to season 3 but you are EMO and I KNOW that
Viktor? His life is a big emo joke, I'm sorry. He listens to sad music to get even more sad, shyness who hides homicidal rage, depressed life, y'know, classical emo. Oh and destroy the whole world by PLAY A VIOLIN??? This is the apex of being emo
Lila went to play in a rock band in 80's Germany when she was having a break down, what is there more to say?
.
.
.
MY POINT IS the Umbrella Academy is a story about Luther and his emo family.
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duskwoodgirl4life · 11 months
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What the hell have I just written lol 🤣 thank you ladies from the discord server when I asked where to have MC meet Jake for the first time/have their first date. I wasn't expecting this 🤣🤣 I only wanted to know if it should be an abondoned building or log cabin
This oneshot contains drugs and so much fucked up things 🤣
I was busy getting ready for my first official date with Jake, it had been a year in the making. He kept his promise to meet after Hannah had been saved. I was a little sad that it wasn't going to be right away but I understood his reasons. He did keep in contact with me when he could. Every time my phone went off my heart started to beat faster. It's like my heart was telling me it was Jake. I've been standing in front of my wardrobe for the past few minutes trying to decide what to wear. Nothing really stands out until I find what I am really looking for a black hoodie. The hoodie he left for me outside my apartment. The hoodie still smells of him. I take it off the hanger and put it on. It feels so soft against my skin.
I take out my favorite pair of black skinny jeans and put them on. I grab my trainers and put them on. I take a look at the time and it's almost time to leave. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach. I'm both excited and nervous at the same time but nothing can take the smile off my face. I get to finally meet the love of my life, the man that walked into my life wanting me to help find his half sister. Taking my keys I lock my apartment door and walk towards my car. My phone starts to buzz just as I reach the car.
Jake: hello MC, I can't wait to see you drive safe x
A smile spreads across my face and a warm feeling in my body.
MC: hello Jake, I can't wait to see you either see you soon x
Putting the phone back in my pocket and I get into the car and make my way to the location Jake told me to meet him. Half an hour later I arrive at my destination, it's an old abandoned building. There are several homeless people standing around a round metal barrel with wood sticking out of it set on fire. I walk past them as carefully as I can without attracting too much attention. Once inside the building I go in search of Jake. He told me to make my way up the stairs and walk down the hallway and it's the 6th door on the right. I reach the door and I push it open. I see Jake's computer screens lit up but Jake is nowhere to be found. I softly call out to Jake but my efforts go unnoticed. I take out my phone and call him.
I can hear ringing coming from another room as I get closer. The ringing gets louder. I push open the door and find Jake sitting on the floor with Chinese noodles on his head sitting talking to the takeout container. "Jake!! What are you doing?" I walk closer to Jake who still hasn't noticed I'm there. I kneel down and try to get his attention. "Jake? It's me MC are you okay? Why do you have noodles on his head?" This time Jake looks up at me with a grin across his face. "Shhh they will hear you" I look at Jake in confusion "what do you mean? Who will hear us?" Jake looks to his left and right before answering. "The noodles they will hear you we have to keep quiet or they will attack"
I stand up and take a look around the room and notice an empty packet of pills on the floor. "Jake, have you taken all these pills? What the hell is going on?" After inspecting the packet I found one tablet left over. I know what he's been taking by the color. "Jake, why have you taken LSD? Do you know what that can do to you?" I got no response from him then he stood up and walked closer to me. "Quick the noodle army is on the way we need to attack first" Jake rushed out of the room, noodles still on his head shouting. "Attack of the killer noodles arghhh"
I start running after Jake to try and get him to be quite long enough for me to get him to the hospital. But I know that might not even be an option at the point I notice as he's running he's holding his left side. I start to work out what has happened. He's hurt himself and can't go to the hospital so he's taken a load of drugs to dull the pain. When I finally catch up with Jake he's in the kitchen with a sieve on his head and a spatula in his hand. "I've got a plan but we have to act quickly. The noodle army will be here any moment" when i looked at the counter Jake had wooden spoons all lined up in a row. "Jake come with me I know where we can hide" trying to humor him i put out my hand and he thankfully takes it. I led him back up the stairs and into his office where his computers are. "We can hide in here they will never find us" Jake looked at me with a questioning look then he smiled "good idea I will stand guard just in case"
The next few hours Jake walked up and down with the shive till on his head and spatula still in his hand. It was one of the longest two nights and days I have ever been through. Jake finally passed out on day 3 he's curled up in a ball in the corner of his office. I was finally able to take a look at Jake's injury. It was a deep wound but I was able to clean it up and put a bandage on it. After almost 24 hrs Jake finally woke up clearly wondering what the hell had happened. "What the fuck happened? Why do I have noodles in my hair? And why is there a sieve and a spatula next to me? Why are you here MC? What the fuck happened?"
This is going to take a long time to explain"let me go make some coffee and I'll explain everything"
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Hisashi: We're the same. We're family.
Toshinori: No, you're the sperm donor. I don't have a dad. You killed my mom. Oh, and I'm nothing like you because I have a little brother who loves me.
Naomasa: Hi!
Hisashi: ...
Yoichi: He's not wrong.
Hisashi: Shut up, you're dead.
Yoichi: You killed me.
Izuku: Press F to pay respects.
Toshinori: And that's my son who loves me. Do you have a son that loves you?
Hisashi: ALRIGHT I GET IT--
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lost-estradiographer · 4 months
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First appointment at our on-campus health clinic. HRT through them would be affordable as hell and located effectively at the same place I study and work. Two more appointments with them and I can start, no letter required. If there is, my on-campus counselor already agrees with me. Aside from setting up to preserve any biological samples I might want later, the timeline is already kind of in my hands.
I could start on estrogen in a matter of weeks.
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7yearsofdele · 8 days
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On no, The Circle has an AI bot and it could be the worst thing they’ve ever done.
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waugh-bao · 7 months
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mountinez · 11 months
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I mean you are a Charles Leclerc fan. How can you be a lesbian?
ÇADSKJEFUHDSJLKM WHAT?
am i fucking charles leclerc? no! i'm a fan of his, just that. i bet his pussy is tight, clean and fresh but i don't feel attracted to him.
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zorciarkrildrush · 2 days
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And American college students wept, for there were no more causes for protest - LGBT rights were guaranteed forever, racial bias finally put to rest for good and with reparations. Reproductive rights received ironclad legislation, and native rights were finally achieved with a good mutual consensus. Global warming went the same way as the hole in the ozone - the US lead a striking, globally coordinated effort to finally mitigate and undo the damage - and all finally breathed fresh, clean air. The refugee crisis at the border was of course a thing of the past - either well integrated into society or sent back to homes finally made safe. Police violence and racial profiling, of course, were non-issues now - especially with inclusive, community-based and social policing replacing the heavy handed protection-and-serving-of-the-few of the past. Their own higher education was of course now fully funded by the state, and the concept of predatory 'student loans' seemed laughable. Medical care, transportation, shelter, nutrition - all became enshrined in law as human rights. Preventable deaths from hunger, from exposure, from mental illness - all went down into insignificance.
And so finally they looked out to the world for injustices to correct, but they were hard pressed to find them - Ukraine and Russia were at peace, finally, and reparations and assistance to rebuild in Ukraine were ongoing. Russia was, of course, free from tyranny, and undoing decades of stagnation, nepotism, internal racism, LGBTphobia -no, they had to look elsewhere. China, of course, had long freed the Uyghurs to live their lives with dignity, afforded numerous new freedoms to its citizens, and made a brave series of agreements with Taiwan and the US and Japan to end decades of suspicion and mutual jabs.
Romani anywhere in the EU were finally properly guaranteed their safety, alongside Irish Travelers, Canadian First Nations, Assyrians, the Bashkir (well, we already said Russia was doing better now!) -
And Sudan - well, the process of peace and reconciliation was tough, but inspirational. The hundreds of thousands dead, displaced - all wrongs were finally acknowledged and put to rights. Haiti is finally recovering from its own upheavals, Boko Haram, ISIS, the Taliban all agreed to disarm, vowed to compensate all they have wronged, to rebuild from the damage. Syria and Lebanon were no longer tormented by despots, and Iran with them - finally, again, the pride of Persian heritage, a place of dignity and comfort for all its people.
On and on the American college students looked for causes - some even went so far as to reignite pineapple on pizza, but society has of course moved on from such divides - so naturally, there could only be one remaining issue at hand. Clocking in at roughly 10 thousand kilometers away as the crow flies, depending on where you take off and land exactly, in an objectively tiny strip of land, there was one war they had to weigh in on. All other issues, near and far, greater in every possible metric, were finally fine - it was time to tell one country it shouldn't exist in favour of another, to harass people of that country - or even those basically unrelated to it, who were still somehow unclean for not working to dismantle that country. The American college students wept tears of joy, now, for the last and most important cause was at hand.
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briarpatch-kids · 10 months
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Is it still a suicidal episode if the kid can’t even feed himself? He can’t exactly kill himself
Considering he's trying very hard to, yeah. I think so.
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what the fuck is this???
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shizaaa · 1 year
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What.
The.
Fuck.
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symeraid-s · 11 months
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Okay, so for anyone on this website wondering what's going on with E'LAST and E Ent right now, it's well... kinda messy.
MBC ran a documentary about the Manmin church cult, whose leader got arrested in 2018 for sexual harassment (42 cases!) and assault (8 cases!).
The cult right now is run by twin sisters. And the CEO of E Entertainment is confirmed to have ties to them. The cult has also admitted to investing roughly 4 billion Won into E'LAST.
The cult also says that some of the members of E'LAST were members of the church. However there is no evidence for this. Some say that a photo depicts baby Romin with his mother, but there is nothing confirmed.
Anyways, E'LAST are the victims in this case, not the perpetrators. Yet, I understand that it's hard to support the group under these conditions. And while I want to see them succeed, because they are really talented, it shouldn't be like this.
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