mmgghh imagine julian having a zoe murphy from deh style breakdown as he tries to reconcile the brother he remembers, the one that abused him for years and years on end, that never brought him anything but pain, that would beat him up for the slightest provocation, with the one that meets him at the academy, the one that saved a city, the one that is working relentlessly to save their family from ruin, the one that defends him from bullies and tells him it was never his fault that others harassed him

just. julian getting to express the rage and confusion and conflicted emotions that would come with the person that abused him for years changing completely out of nowhere and turning into the older brother he'd always wanted.

so don't tell me i didn't have it right don't tell me it wasn't black and white after all you put me through don't say it wasn't true that you were not the monster that i knew

I Wish I Hated You (Levi Ackerman x Reader)

story summary: You don't do second chances. Especially after you gave your heart to Levi Ackerman, and he decided to throw it away so the next person has to repair the damage. Will Levi put his ego aside and finally admit his feelings for you are far deeper than you imagined? Or is a second chance out of the question?

ao3

C H A P T E R E I G H T : T O M O R R O W

WARNING: explicit scenes in this chapter!! let me know what you think :)

Levi lead you into his living room that you were all too familiar with. His expression was... blank. You couldn't tell if he was sad, mad, or anything in between.

You sit on the couch opposite to the chair he's sitting in. "Levi, I-"

"You should know this," Levi looks down. "I'm not the best at... well, talking. My mother is someone who was... so special to me." 

"Levi." You press your hand on top of his. "I'm here to listen." 

Levi sighs as he sits back in his chair. "My mother and I grew up poor. Like, dirt poor." Levi started talking. It feels like it's been forever since you and him had an actual conversation instead of just arguing. "We were couch surfing and squatting in abandoned houses. Then, she got sick. We don't know what it was since we couldn't afford to go to a doctor. We couldn't even afford food. I was starving every day. Dreaming of bread." Levi looks down. "One day, she wouldn't even attempt to get out of bed. Or even talk to me. I remember her telling me about her brother, my uncle, and I had his phone number written down. I begged the corner store to let me use their phone, and thankfully they let me."

Your heart sinks thinking of how lonely Levi felt. How he was lacking basic needs.

"I called Kenny and he came and stayed with my mother during her last moments. I stood on the other side of her with my hand in hers. I remember her saying, 'Kenny, please take care of my Levi.' The pressure I was feeling from her hand suddenly just... disappeared. My mother's body was still there, but her soul was gone." 

Tears start to well up in your eyes. Levi's eyes were glued to the floor as he spoke, his deep voice cracking when he spoke of the final moments with his mother.

"Then I went and lived with Kenny. Which... wasn't the best either. He fed me, but he wanted me to learn to fend for myself. I would cause fights in school and Kenny had to beg them to let me stay." Levi cleared his throat. "He didn't know how to be a parent. I don't blame him. His sister died and left behind me. My father, who the hell knows who he is - Kenny felt he had no choice. But he did have a choice. He could've just-"

"Levi, he could not just leave you."

"He could've."

"But he didn't. You're his nephew, I'm sure he saw you and saw some of himself."

"Well, when I turned 18, he left. He told me I was an adult now and I had to figure life out. I was being... well, to put it lightly, a delinquent when I met Erwin. He's a tall, well kept man and I wanted to steal from him. He looked like he had money so he was the perfect target. For whatever reason, he wanted to be my friend. He's been in my life ever since." Levi finally looked at you. "He opened his home to me. He fed me. He taught me the ways of being a business man."

You didn't know how deep Erwin and Levi's friendship was. They're bonded brothers.

His mother left, Kenny left - no wonder he likes to leave. Must be an Ackerman thing. 

You stared into Levi's eyes - watching the storm brew. Your heart sank as you explored his face, your feelings for him resurfacing.

"Now you know why I am the way I am." Levi put his hands on his knees. "I don't blame you if you want to leave."

"Levi." You walk over to his chair, slowly sitting on his lap. "Do you want me to leave?" You gently wrap your arms around him. 

"I think you want to -"

"Answer my question." You grab his chin, pulling his face towards you. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No." Levi shook his head. "I never want you to leave." 

You felt like there was life brought back to you. The piece of your heart that broke off when you left Levi mended back to you. 

"We have to start over then." You caress his face gently. You wanted to just hold him during this vulnerable moment. "Like, we're going on dates. Almost like we were never together." 

"Hm?" Levi tilted his head. "But we did date... for 2 years."

"Levi. Do you want to make this work or no?" 

"I do." 

"Then we're starting over. I don't want us to jump back into this and make the same mistakes." 

Levi nods, letting his hand rest on your thigh. "Are you sure you don't want to leave? I'm giving you an out." 

"Levi Ackerman." Theres attitude in your voice. "If I wanted to leave, I would. I have before - remember?" 

"I'm sorry I made you leave."

"Shhh." You pull Levi into your chest, letting him lean on you. You felt his eyelashes flutter on your skin as he closed his eyes. His breath is slow and you know he's listening to your heartbeat. He's always loved cuddling in your chest and feeling your beating heart. Levi starts to bury his face in your breasts, his hands traveling up to your waist.

"Hey," You giggle as Levi grabs your left breast with his large hand. "Levi, this isn't the right time to be-"

"Sh." Levi demanded. His fingers pulled your shirt over your head, revealing your plump breasts. They bounced as they were released from the captivity of your shirt and Levi is mesmerized. He brought his lips to your right tit, sucking on your skin roughly as he squeezed the other. You throw your head back at the contact. Levi has always loved your chest and he likes to take his time there when he can.

"This isn't a part of starting over." You breathe.

"We can start over tomorrow." Levi mumbled as he unclipped your bra without looking. His mouth attached to your nipple, sucking it gently. You feel the wetness in your pants already as Levi sucks, bites, and licks all over your tits. 

Levi sits you on the chair, his large hands trailing down your upper body to the buttons of your jeans. He's on his knees now as he pulls your pants off, throwing them across the room. "My favorites." Levi hums at the sight of your black lace panties. "Too bad they're coming off." Levi almost rips the panties off of you, revealing your soaked pussy. 

He marvels for a moment, watching your arousal leak from you. You throw your head back as your core starts to throb. "Levi-" He cuts you off by inserting his tongue inside you. You gasp as you feel his tongue exploring your pussy, finding your clit soon after. Levi wraps his hands around your thighs as he devours you, his lips squelching against your core. 

Levi wraps his lips around your clit, sucking gently as he inserts two fingers into you. You bury your hands in his hair, pushing his face farther into you. You felt him smile as you pulled on his hair, something he's always loved. He pumped his fingers in and out of you quickly while his mouth was solely focused on your clit.

"I could eat this pussy all day." Levi hummed, the vibration from his words only adding to your pleasure. "This pretty little pussy."

"Levi." You moan, wrapping your legs around him as your toes begin to curl.

"I love when you moan my name." His fingers started to pump faster as your walls began to pulsate. "Can you come on my fingers, princess?" 

You nod silently as you feel the high quickly approaching. Your chest feels tight as the world begins to fade away, leaving only you and Levi. His tongue lapped your dripping arousal as you reached your high. Levi doesn't stop though, he keeps sucking on your clit until he wants to be done. You came on his fingers, his mouth - practically his entire face.

"Levi, I need you inside of me." You whine.

"You want my cock inside of you, my princess?"

"God, yes." You nod. Levi's mouth leaves your pussy and he picks you up and lays you on the couch gently. His shirt is off quickly, along with his belt and pants.

You watch his cock spring out of his pants. Every time you see it, you're mesmerized.

"Are you sure?"

"We'll start over tomorrow." You nod a Levi's arms are on either side of you. You feel the tip of his cock at your slit, easily sliding in due to your arousal. Levi lets out a husky moan as he feels your gummy walls wrapping around his cock.

"You were made for me." Levi starts thrusting into you. "This pussy fits me so perfectly."

"Baby, it's all yours." You stare into Levi's eyes. He presses his lips to yours roughly, leaving sloppy kisses as he thrusts inside you faster. You wrap your arms around his neck as he watches his length disappear inside of you, stretching your walls. You'll never get used to his size, no matter how many times you fuck.

"Princess, I need you to come again. Before me." Levi grunted as he slammed into you. He attaches his lips to the side of your neck, biting and sucking until your skin is purple. He then brings his fingers to your clit, rubbing it gently. 

You throw your head back, feeling your walls pulsate once again. Levi's thrusts start to become uneven as he feels you grip him, which means he's close.

"I'm not coming before you." Levi rubs circles on your clit. Your toes curl as Levi is almost overstimulating you - but that high comes back. 

"Levi." You practically yell as the hardest high of your life hits you. You see stars as Levi slams into you again and again. 

"Where should I come?" Levi whispered.

"Inside." You whisper in his ear, which causes him to lose all the control he had left. He coats your insides with him as he comes, gripping your hips tightly. Levi fills you up with his cum and somehow there is still more. 

Levi pulled out slowly and you whine at the now void. He pulls his pants on and grabbing a towel from his hallway closet and helping you clean up.

"So... tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow." You press your lips to his gently, letting your worries melt away.

trauma is an explanation, not an excuse.

this is something i find myself thinking frequently whenever i look through what people have to say about fiona gallagher, or even what the writers of shameless have to say about fiona gallagher.

i think that a lot of the behaviors fiona exhibits throughout her run on the show make a lot of sense when you consider what she endured growing up.

growing up for her, it was about survival. it was about keeping her baby brothers (and eventually, debbie, carl, and liam, too) from freezing to death and about making sure her parents hadn’t overdosed. she was never worried about some of the things her younger siblings (such as debbie) worried about, which caused a strain in her relationships with them.

fiona grew up never putting herself first. she was a victim, but was never treated as one. her parents left all responsibility in her hands, and she was still just viewed as a help rather than a mother.

speaking of this ^ frank’s first line regarding fiona was calling her a huge help, and his last was telling her that she just helped. frank’s monologue from the pilot ended up being one of the most important scenes in the entire show (which i will discuss later).

after years of going without recognition, she starts to change. she starts to crave it. does this happen before the show starts or during it, i don’t know. in season two, debbie points out how fiona always makes everything about herself (which of course, debbie was criticized for). i think that debbie was right. in this case, i’d say that fiona making everything about herself is more her taking the responsibility over everything, because that’s all she knows. she thinks that she can handle everything because she’s been doing it since she was in kindergarten.

in season three, she actually gets guardianship of her five siblings, which is pretty big. she had even tried to adopt them all. so basically, she was seriously taking all of the responsibility. she even told jimmy-steve that these kids were her life. and they were.

then, she got caught up in work and life happened, liam ended up overdosing (because of her) and everything fell apart. this is where we were truly introduced to the fiona we know.

she had already been refusing to take responsibility in the first episode of season four (with ian), but by the time that lip starts to act cold towards her because of liam’s accident she begins to refuse to take any accountability at all. she claims to not be guilty, but she was. she was in charge of him, she left an open bag of coke out and liam got into it. she was guilty.

as the seasons go by, she falls deeper into this victim complex, and then in season seven, she straight up starts telling debbie and carl that she will not support them and that they need to pay rent. she tells them to put her on the bottom of their emergency contact lists. why is this an issue, you may be asking? because she was legal guardian. the only other person taking care of them was frank and if you want to know why frank couldn’t be it, think back to season seven frank (he had a whole new family, for starters).

that is child neglect. you can phrase it however you want to try to make it better, but in the end, that was child neglect, nothing more, nothing less.

in season seven, fiona is twenty-six. debbie is sixteen (with a baby) and carl is fifteen at that point, it doesn’t matter what they did, get pregnant, start dealing, whatever, they’re her kids. she signed up for it so she doesn’t get to act like she didn’t.

in season seven, debbie’s child is almost taken away from her and she asks fiona to help her get a marriage license so that she won’t lose franny. fiona says yes, but when debbie asks her to do it (and mind you, it was urgent, franny ended up being taken- just not by dcfs), fiona screams and says not everything is about debbie. she’s right! it was about franny. yes, debbie approached the situation wrongly but if you were sixteen and you were about to lose your kid you’d be that way too.

later in that season, when fiona finds out debbie’s child is home and safe, she gets irritated that she wasn’t the one to save franny.

is this because of her victim complex or her hero complex? is it maybe envy, envy of monica, who has never acted like a mother towards debbie, yet won her over that easily? i don’t know.

my issue with a lot of fiona fans is that whenever fiona is criticized, on screen or off screen, they use her raising five kids as the ultimate excuse. no matter what. even if she’s in the wrong, it’s all, she raised five kids!

i hate to be the one to say this, but being the oldest, it’s weird how people excuse her actions more than anybody else’s. out of all of the siblings, she’s the only one who we only ever saw as an adult. fiona was twenty-one in season one, and twenty-eight in season nine. she’s been a grown ass adult, she should be held accountable and should take accountability. lip, ian, debbie, carl, and liam all deserve the benefit of the doubt in some situations when they were younger, she doesn’t. she was still young, yes, when you’re in your twenties you can’t be expected to act fourty, i get it, but it’s still odd how babied she can be.

i’m not saying i don’t think that fiona should get any passes, or that i don’t think that fiona did it all, because she did. i excuse a lot of her actions, but not everything. it kind of diminishes her entire character if you excuse and twist every little thing about her.

the reality of it is, she is not a good person. neither are lip, ian, debbie, carl, and maybe even liam, eventually. one of the many points of the show is that they all just kinda… suck. they aren’t necessarily bad people, but good people? angels? no. and that’s why i hate it so much when frank, fiona, lip, and even ian (who’s one of my favorites) get defended for everything. it kind of defeats the purpose, they are shitty, they can do shitty things and still be good characters (not frank though lol); and the same thing applies but reversed, when characters like debbie, who was a kid in almost every season, get held accountable and shit on for every little thing, it ruins the character. you can’t see the good in her or see the impact her decisions actually make because you’re busy viewing her as this monster (when the monster in question is just a teenage girl).

even then, frank’s actions can’t all be excused by being abused as a child, fiona’s actions can’t all be excused by raising five kids, lip’s actions can’t all be excused by his childhood/addiction, ian’s actions can’t all be excused by his illness and debbie, carl, and liam’s. actions can’t all be excused by their age. the actions can somewhat be excused in some scenarios, but it isn’t like enduring trauma is a get-out-of-jail-free card for everything.

its been over 2 years since i read volume 9 of chainsaw man and it still apparently has the power to make me sob uncontrollably when i think about it so im going to talk a bit about aki and denji being shown as children during the snowball fight and why it's currently making me wanna rip my hair out :)

aki is already gone during this scene for all intents and purposes, having very little comprehension of the events his body is in and just waiting to be set free. his mind reverting back to the moment he lost his family is not surprising, since that's when his life permanently changed trajectory.

he's not to blame for being stuck in this moment, as it would make sense for any kid his age. however, he didn't put himself on the path towards revenge, which inevitably made him unable to let go. that was makima. she took him by the hand and gave him this "purpose", something she very well knew he was never going to achieve anyway. she trapped him in this predicament and made sure he stayed there till there were no options left for him.

to the very end, aki's life was never his own, but planned for him. aki never left that snowy forest. he wasn't allowed to.

as a result, the essence of aki that remained within the gun fiend after his death materialized as the last genuine version of aki that ever was. a kid playing in front of his house.

moving over to denji, who is the one that got me crying today. his appearance as a child in aki's mind is partly to parallel the bond they shared and the bond between aki and his little brother, whom he lost that day. of course. however i think there's a lot of significance to this choice for denji's character as well.

denji grew up remote and very disconnected from society. he never got the chance to learn how to navigate his feelings and relationships with other people. he had to figure it all out as he went, first with pochita, whom he got attached to and later with aki and power. even with makima.

makima was the first person to ever give him attention and affection, to give him the things he always wanted, but she never treated him like a person. she never helped him get any closer to learning how to be one. he was used, much like aki was, and was given a purpose that was never going to be for his own benefit.

as a result, denji took a while to go through the motions of being surrounded by humans and being taught by them. the first time we saw him face the concept of loss was with pochita, an event that didn't really give him much in terms of experience considering all the implications and how suddenly it changed his life. in its nature, it wasn't a type of loss he would've been able to navigate as a human.

im not going to go into the situation with his father since we saw very explicitly how incapable he was to handle it to the point of blocking it out and having it haunt him till the end of part one. he surely didn't get much data out of that experience either, or the abuse he went through before it.

the first real time he got to see loss occur very close to him was himeno's death. he had no emotional reaction to it, which confused him since he was able to observe its effect on aki and other people around him. he questioned his own humanity for the first time and it upset him, if only momentarily. it gave him a hint of perspective.

sadly, he was going to find out what loss meant the hard way.

with makima still treating him like an animal and the circumstances forcing him to still rely on his instincts, denji's emotional maturity wasn't really prioritized. he did inevitably grow closer to aki and power, without necessarily being able to recognize those feelings for what they were. again he just had to go through the motions.

fast forward to the gun devil arc. he's told by makima on the phone to not think, to just fight aki without thinking about it. we see the progress that's been made in how clearly unable denji is to follow that order, aki being the closest thing to family he's ever had by this point.

he fights his best friend, not even thinking about himself, but of how aki would feel if he were conscious of how much destruction he was causing. still up to this point, denji doesn't know that he loves aki. it hasn't computed to him as a piece of info, only as an experience.

him being shown as a child in the snow, a contrast to the violent reality that his body is in, has as much significance as it does for aki.

denji never really grew up, he never got past his father's death or anything that happened to him before and after that. he was kept from it by his life and makima herself, once again. his ineptitude was weaponized and he was nowhere near being aware of it. he was also stuck.

in that scene, denji experiences real loss. he loses someone he loves and someone who loves him back. someone who thought himself unable to do so but was the first to love him like a human.

he was just a kid, losing his family by his own hand again, only this time he had been loved.

it's highlighted in the next chapter, where he appears unable to grieve and looks kind of numb instead. then we have the ice cream scene, where he thinks the words for the first time and throws up immediately.

his confusion after it happens, him being unable to fathom why his body would have such a reaction, breaks my heart almost more than the entirety of the snowball fight itself, from denji's pov.

im not going to talk about what happens directly after that and its implications bc im gonna end up talking forever, but his behavior throughout the next chapters very much shows how out of his depth he is when it comes to loss and grief and how lost and helpless he is in makima's hands.

my point is, both aki and denji were used, weaponised and kept from growing up while also having to deal with the world and its cruelty at the same time. even the closeness they achieved was planned and used against them both. this is only one of many angles of the snowball fight scene that can be looked at and interpreted in different ways. but it was the one that made me ugly cry today :)

J2 Main Panel Nashcon 2023

We're gonna jump right into it, there were a lot of questions...

If Sam and Dean got hit by the Djinn again what do they think their Djinn dream would be now?

Jared thinks probably the same and Jensen concurs that it's probably the go-to thing for both; they always dreamed of this slice of normalcy and even though they know that’s something that would never work for them they still hold that in their idea of what they missed.

Jared asks the fan what they think, and they reply that at least from their interpretation they think it might be different after the boys met their mom since Dean saw her in such high regard then when he met her he got more realistic expectations. Jensen says that may have shed some light into that relationship and what the history was behind that but he still thinks Dean would have this wishful idea of what life could have been, and he would have held it as a bit of a dream even though he knows it would never really be like that.

Real quickly before we continue, if you decide to watch this panel or just this question there is a moment of microphone feedback so to my fellow headphone users lower your volume.  x

In regards to their acting process, if someone was put in front of them and they were told this person was a demon, could they jump right into character or does it take them some time?

Jared asks if he has to marry them as well…..it's been a while since he's pulled the my wife is a demon bit and that's all I'm gonna say about that....

Jensen says that he thinks when they’re on set it’s much easier to flip that switch. 

Jared says when it comes to the acting process there's a lot of prep that goes into it. So, if somebody was just there like 'hey I'm a demon, action' he'd be wondering what he's supposed to be doing, does he like them, is he using them, are they using him so there's so much thought that goes into it before it that if there was a script- if that was the first scene they filmed in that script then he's already done a couple dozen reads of it and thought about how Sam would feel and where this is in the episode and if it's climactic so there's a lot of prep.

Jensen says he and Jared are similar in the fact that they know a scene going into it, they know the way, the points they have to hit but the in-between is the stuff that they kind of allowed to be discovered. They had ideas about how they wanted to get from point A to point B but the great thing about getting to work with Jared is that it was never overly rehearsed, they were reacting to what each other did so they were available for the happy accidents that happened within scenes. That being said they knew where they needed to go, and what point to hit so he thinks snapping into that with the knowledge of kind of a roadmap made it much easier to get into character and also made it easier to riff while you’re in that character to come up with maybe some improv but just sitting there on stage and being like 'hey, be Dean'- Jared’s right there’s a little bit more prep that goes into it in order for them to step into those shoes. x

Favorite bands or artists growing up or in general?

Jared answers Pearl Jam.

Jensen says he grew up with a lot of different music in his house, his dad would listen to a lot of Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennet but he'd also listen to more modern classic rock and his mom listened to country music so he doesn’t know he could pick and choose dozens of bands. He’ll say a band that has never gotten old to him, cause some music you listen to it so long that you might tire of it a little bit, but there are obvious choices like Zeppelin and the Stones even the Beatles but he’ll say the Allman Brothers. He still feels he’s discovering their music even though he’s been listening to it most of his life. x

What are Sam and Dean's biggest regrets?

Jared, once again, answers that one of Sam’s bigger regrets is Amelia. He thinks Sam would have felt bad about the time that he didn’t go after his brother although he thinks the last time he understood that his brother was saying goodbye and he had to give him that farewell.

Jensen says that for Dean he doesn’t know but he’ll choose one: that he couldn’t save C. x

What was it like filming that scene in Mystery Spot where they say the same lines at the same time?

Jared says Jensen kept messing it up. It was hectic trying to say it, and it was a rough episode to film. 

Jensen agrees and comments it was probably more difficult for Jared. He does remember getting frustrated cause there was a word that kept being added and he couldn’t- it was stuck in his head but there’s probably a good amount of outtakes from that moment.

Also, the fan who asked this question was sad because they had missed their photo op with Jensen but he took a minute to go and take some pics with them with Jared as the photographer. x

What actress besides their wives would they pick to act with and would they do it in a show or movie?

Jared says some of the actresses on Ozark are so raw and real that he’d love to work with them like Julia Garner. 

Jensen is always interested in working with people he can learn from because neither he nor Jared are formally trained, what they know they've learned on the job from watching those who were successful that they got to work with, and as long as their careers have been there's always more you can learn and there's always people that you can learn from so he’d want to work with somebody he thinks it’s a crazy talent like Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts, Kate Winslet these incredibly talented artists that he thinks would hopefully elevate his game. x

What is their favorite acting role from their early days, and which did they get the most grief for when they did it?

Jensen answers Alec from Dark Angel is probably one he wishes he could have spent a little more time with, and the one he probably wouldn’t mind erasing is Devour. That he could have done without it although to be fair that movie was being re-written as they were filming it so he didn’t even know how that story would end while they were shooting.

For Jared, he will say one of his favorite roles was Gilmore Girls but he wishes he knew then what he knows now. He was a nervous kid, he was 17 when they shot the first two episodes and he was used to doing plays in school so he thinks he came in a little theatrical and didn't really know the technique of it; he grew along the way but it was a lot of fun and a great learning experience over the 5yrs that he worked on it. Everybody starts somewhere and he kind of started there, and there are some scenes that he went and watched to re-learn what Dean Forester was like for the Year in the Life Netflix special and he was like 'oh, this is a good show. oh, I suck' but that it was a fun time. x

In French Mistake where were they while Sam and Dean were in our universe? 

Jared passes the questions off to Jensen saying he really wants to answer it 😂

Jensen replies that he would imagine that if the writers had been asked this question they might have had an answer that sounded like when Sam and Dean entered into that universe at the same time the Jensen and Jared that were supposed to be there were sent somewhere else to make space for these two new ones so they wouldn’t destroy the space-time continuum. x

Did Jared get his knee surgery?

He did not but he did a lot of physical therapy. It’s still kind of wonky but he’s feeling good and he was ready to shoot on Thursday. x

Do they think Sam and Dean’s relationship is more influenced by being brothers or by being born in a different generation and growing up differently?

Jared answers brothers. He thinks the fact that they were brothers is really what made them behave the way they did with each other and with others. That there’s something great about SPN the relationship between Sam and Dean nothing was off limits, there were times when they would keep secrets from each other and found out later but otherwise, it was one of those you know you hear stuff like you always hurt the ones you love it’s like you can be yourself with somebody who knows you and understands when you're going through a tough time so he thinks the fact that Sam and Dean could ultimately bounce anything off of each other is what really helped them develop their relationship.

Jensen agrees, that it’s the fact that they’re brothers but he’ll also say that it’s not a generation or time thing because he thinks you could take those two brothers in any generation or time and there would be a similar story. It might look a little different but he thinks it would still be very, very similar and he thinks that’s one of the things we all like about the show that it is kind of timeless. That story of two brothers not just fighting the good fight but fighting for each other is a universal story and could be told in any time you could take it to medieval times or you could take it into the future and he thinks it would ring the same. x

If they could do a whole new show together completely on their own what would it be?

Jared says for sure he can’t wait for them to get their heads together and talk about seeing Sam and Dean again. And he also thinks it would be fun to do a comedy.

Jensen says doing something like The Nice Guys would be fun; he thinks the dynamic they got to establish over the past 15 years could be put in a lot of different scenarios. So, as long as they have that they can do whatever. x

Favorite moment with their family this year?

Jared says going to Australia for the holidays. They got to see the Sydney fireworks from the balcony of the house they rented and it was a fun moment to see how happy the kids were; most of the time seeing the kids play and kind of forget about their worries is a lot of fun. So watching the fireworks with them in Sydney was really special.

Jensen says there’s a lot, and they were given the gift of time off this year for an unfortunate reason because of the strikes but that gave them a lot of time to spend with family. He’ll say they took trips and all of them were very memorable but one thing he sees when he closes his eyes is when the kids come home from school, when he gets to pick them up and ask them about their day and that little drive home, and watching them sprint out to play on their playset and the trampoline and the dog chasing them he just sits on the back porch and watches them play, that’s what he sees when he closes his eyes. x

Does Jensen plan on doing another live Radio Company show soon?

He was just talking about this with somebody backstage, there are no hard plans, but it is definitely being discussed. x

What was their favorite episode of SPN to film?

Jared asks if in hindsight or at the time because he looks back and he says French Mistake looking back now he loves it but he was so anxious the entire time, he was so nervous that he didn’t have a great time filming it but in hindsight, he loves the memory of having filmed it. It was nerve-wracking because he had to be funny and the things he had to do and this is when he realized he was talking about Changing Channels 😂 But in hindsight it was amazing but while filming it he was thinking it might be the worst thing that's happened to him in his life. Sacrifice is another that was awful to film but he loves that he got to experience it. It was three days in an abandoned church with Mark Sheppard but it was stressful during it. Same with Swan Song, it's amazing in his head now but during it he hated it.

Jensen mentions that with The End, he thinks it's a similar thing because it was such a challenge to shoot those particular episodes, and when it comes to The End it was very taxing shooting that particular episode for him cause he was playing two versions of Dean but it's one he looks back on it with great pride because of how challenging it was. He will say one of his favorite episodes to film was the very last ep because they had gotten to a point where he and Jared could truly appreciate and reflect on the magnitude of the moment that was happening in front of them; when he got into that car and drove it in as Dean in Heaven he knew that was going to be the final drive for this run of the show which he thinks he has video of, he set his phone up on the seat and recorded that final drive. And the moment on the bridge, there were moments he and Jared took - multiple moments - that they took for themselves without the cameras rolling, and so he thinks that was precious for him and meant so much because of the journey they had gone on and where they had ended up together. But if you ask him what was fun Yellow Fever was fun.

Jared agrees 100% and says he thinks the only episode that he really feels he just had fun during was Baby because it wasn’t the Sam and Dean show it was the Baby show.

Jensen says it was also the most unique process of filming for an episode cause they just mounted cameras to the car and sent them out into the wild fingers crossed hoping the boys would get the scenes. 

Jared says it was the first time in a decade and a half they weren’t going to the set for a show about Sam and Dean this episode was about Baby so it felt like less pressure. And Jensen comments that it's one of his favorite episodes too. x

What do they think happened to the Richesters in Rio?

Jared replies wait for season 16 to find out. He says he does have the purple blazer there was no reason for it to get used again and when a piece of clothing gets made for him it'll never fit anybody else so they gave it to him, and Jensen says he has the suede jacket because they bought it and it was so expensive they couldn't get a double so it never got used, it was just sitting in a closet and they gave it to him to wear cause he didn’t have to do any stunts and then it went home with him.

Jared says the Richesters are having a good time at Carnival in Rio. x

Is there a family tradition during Christmas they are looking forward to doing?

Jensen says because D is from Louisiana and his in-laws usually spend the holidays with them, they do a Holiday Gumbo party. D and her mom spend all day making the gumbo, that’s a little piece of Cajun culture they celebrate at Christmas and it’s a favorite among family and friends- he mentions Jared has been a part of a couple of them.

Jared says they have tamales on Christmas day and smokies (aka cocktail sausages). It’s more the food and the midday nap - these days as parents his Christmas is consisting of him getting all the wrapping paper and boxes from the presents and trying to get rid of it and put it outside cause it’s everywhere but then they always have a late breakfast, watch tv, the movies like Home Alone, Die Hard, Love Actually. He shares the story about how when he did Flight of the Phoenix in Africa there was a "movie theater" there - it was someone's garage - and they had three movies one was in German, one was in Afrikaans, and one was Love Actually so he watched Love Actually like 12 times. He goes from Africa to Australia to shoot House of Wax and he was sitting with the cast talking and asked if they had seen Love Actually they all say yes, and he tells them he loves it then notices Elisha (Cuthbert) giving him a funny look and he tells her he means it, that the movie is awesome, that she has to see it he's seen it a dozen times, she keeps looking at him weird and he thought that she didn't think he'd like a romcom or something so he keeps insisting she has to watch it, that he's not kidding he can't wait to watch it again, and that's when she tells him she was in it.

Jensen asks if the elf comes to his house, Jared answers that it does he's moving around. Then Jensen says it’s stressful that elf can ruin a morning for him. x

What color lightsaber would they wield and why?

Jensen automatically answers green because everybody would envy it. Jared wants a double-bladed one like Darth Maul but one side green and one red. Jensen says "you mean Christmas?" and Jared laughs and says yes, cause he loves Christmas he’d be Darth Christmas. x

Besides friends and family, what’s something that they missed while they were filming?

Jensen says a life. 

Jared says during shooting it's not even like you miss things yet, you know you're missing things you're missing birthday parties and weddings and graduations but during it, it’s a different mode you go into. If a friend calls to hang out the answer is no, and you kind of find out who you’re real friends are because they get it, they know you love them but they understand you're busy for the next 8 months. And when you can wade above water and catch your breath that's when you get together with them.

But they wouldn't trade it. 

Jensen says he's missed annual golf trips his friends have done, he's only been able to go to like 2 out of the dozens they've done because he's not available but they understand, and he wouldn’t change it cause he took pride in what he was doing in order to miss it. x

In SPN were there any storylines or parallels that they wish had been expanded upon or explored?

Jared wishes we saw more of Michael!Dean, and more Eileen.

Jensen wishes there had been more Benny. He thought Purgatory could have lasted a little longer than it did, he thought it was a really cool concept and stuff but he gets that they writers had to put the brothers back together, and he probably, had it gone on for a few more eps, been like "can we wrap this up?"

Jared mentions Purgatory was filmed at a place that’s probably the reality equivalent of Purgatory called Panther Paintball it was like an hour's drive from the apartment and it's mud and muck and there's no service, it's shitty, cold, wet, and dark. It was perfect for Purgatory but probably not fun to go film there but in hindsight it's like 'wish I had been able to film there more'. x

What is the best prank that they remember from each other behind the scenes?

Jared says more than a specific prank, early on they realized things would continue to escalate if they started but Jensen is hard to break between action and cut and there was one time during one of the Gadreel episodes when they were at the Bunker, and his line of dialogue was a bit of a tongue twister and he messed up it actually made it to the gag reel and he loves it cause he purposefully basically spoke gibberish to make Jensen break. So it's more within a scene just trying to cut the tension, the slog of working 14-15 hours with a laugh.

Jensen says it was largely impromptu messing with each other, it wasn't anything drawn out or carefully planned. If the opportunity presented itself to mess with each other they would generally do it but it was also trying to make each other laugh. But, as Jared said, they very quickly realized they were much more effective joining forces. So, the pranks weren't really pranks it was really more messing with each other and having a good time, making each other laugh. And there were countless guest stars who went on set and told them it was the most unprofessional, fun set they'd ever been part off and that was one thing that was important to them they always got the work done but they also sure as hell had a fun time getting it done. x

What would they recommend to someone who has never been to Austin to see or visit, other than Family Business?

Jared says Family Business for sure and then depending on what time of year you are there if you're there between March and November he would recommend staying in a hotel room with AC on but honestly if you can make it for one of the festivals like ACL or South by Southwest- just being out and about that part of the reason he loves Austin is the feeling that people have it just feels like a group of friends so he would recommend trying to find a sporting event or a concert.

Jensen says what you wanna do is take a nice, maybe fall evening, and late in the afternoon take a walk in Town Lake, also known as Ladybird Lake, and then end yourself up on the Congress Street bridge and watch the bats come out from underneath, there are two million bats that live under the bridge and fly out every night and it's like a black cloud of bats, it's pretty amazing. Then maybe keep walking over to Barton Springs, walk down and take a seat at Terry Blacks get some BBQ then maybe that evening go to a show at the Moody theater. This man has provided a whole itinerary.

Jared says if there’s time left he has Jensen’s address so DM him, and Jensen replies to come on by he'll probably have some gumbo 😂 x

And before we wrap up the last panel of 2023, I have to point out something I didn't notice until the end which is that the flannel Jared is wearing, one of the colors matches the shirt Jensen is wearing! I love it 💕

With that finale note, we wrap up one more year of panels!

J2 Main Panel Nashcon '23

Coming from a Team Green stan, people using the term "bastards" to refer to Luke, Jace and Joff as if that was an excuse to hate them makes me fucking snort. Yes we know they're bastards, so what. It's what they've heard and been told all their life. If that is enough reason for you to think they deserve shit thrown on them then Imma need you to take off your Westerosi lord "they're born of lesser flesh" whore's best friend heart shaped sunglasses real quick and see them as actual characters because you sound no less blood purity obsessed than TB thinking that "Hightower blood" is enough reason to hate anything regarding Alicent's children.

To think that they aren't deserving of lands and titles is perfectly fine when you look at it from Westerosi people's point of view, but that's no reason to hate them at all? (This also applies to some TB stans who storm the posts of maybe a guy who's chilling reading a book and make it their LIFE MISSION to protect them like they're their mama anytime someone barely mentions it.)

One may find various reasons to like or dislike them. You may dislike Luke for slicing Aemond's eye and never feeling a shred of remorse about it, you may like Luke because you think he did what he thought was best in order to protect his brother (although they could've escaped to their mom the moment he was blinded by dirt, but at least they spared themselves a scolding for being up and about at 3 AM going for someone's throat with a real dagger).

You may dislike Jace because he picked after his mother's "who cares what others think we rule lmao" ass line. You may like Jace because when he said that, he was trying to uplift his little brother who was growing self-conscious about the way other lords and ladies were staring at him. It's understandable. They aren't 2D characters everyone must either love or hate.

If you really want someone to blame for how things turned out, why don't you blame Rhaenyra for thrusting them into failure and sending her 13 year old out knowing the Greens would've sought allegiances as well? I don't know, at least send someone who would've been able to outrun Aemond, idk. You call yourself Queen, girl. Choose someone else, that ain't my job. Why don't you blame Daemon for wanting to send kids as envoys when they've got no experience whatsoever and their dragons are literally just babies?

Remember they were never part of a war until their mother pushed them in. They weren't "thieves" for "stealing" Driftmark. Luke didn't even WANT Driftmark. They just wanted to beef with their uncles in peace for the love of God. That they grew up spoiled brats is another story, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

Personally I don't love or hate Jace or Luke. We've been given wayyy too little scenes for them to look anything else other than Aemond's and Aegon's punching bags, respectively. Except for Jace who got me cheering and screaming for him when he was literally THE ONLY ONE WHO STOOD UP FOR RHAENYRA IN EP.10 but yeah, that was the end of it.

Find new reasons to like and dislike characters. Anything that doesn't involve sounding like an aryan race supporter, thank you.

My Next Life As a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom! - Pirates of the Disturbance - Game Alan Stuart Review

Will Include Spoilers

Oh thank you creators for making this guy my type he is a sad boy/tsundere who is shy and blushes alot and is easily flustered. This is the kinda guy that I'm sweet on easy. From his greyish/white hair to the way he wears his sexy earrings... yeah Alan is my guy in this game. Rozy still has me curious though so we shall see. Anyways Alan is a good guy to the point he is always worried about hurting his brother if he was to let Catarina know he loved her. Its funny because he didn't even realize he loved her until she got sick then he realized a world without her he just couldn't live in. I also respect him cause as soon as he knew he was in love with her he went straight to Mary to call off the engagement they had. I mean she didn't want to at the moment until they could be with the person they wanted then she said she would bow out.

He is just so protective of Catarina, like when they get attacked by pirates he is willing to fight to his death if nothing but to keep her safe. He is a prince but he never lets it get to his head, he is still same boy that grew up with her. He picks on her about not being lady like and all but at the same time these are the things he loves about her more. He is adorable when he realizes she kissed him by accident. He gets on her and seems mad when she does something that can hurt her but I honestly feel like its to prevent from breaking down. He finally gets through to her how he feels and even in his last fight with Frederic I was so not expecting him to push her back and catch the sword with his hand. Like seriously dude is bleeding out yelling at Frederic that he will not let him harm Catarina cause she is the only on the matters to him and she is important. That was such a declaration of love that should make most girls swoon.

The CG's were beautiful in Alan's route and I really love how both of them eventually expressed their love for each other it was so sweet especially with blushing Alan awww he is always swoon worthy. I love in best happy ending they end up engaged though. I hated how Mary and Geordo made them wait almost a year to be together because everyone else selfishness of wanting her. I do love Geordo was willing to let her be happy with Alan however I agree with Alan his last words may have sounded nice but he was practically saying my brother fucks up and I will be there. I love his special show he puts on for her in the lounge as well. I don't know everything about this couple I love and I love Alan so much.

The alternate ending with Mary abducting her was plain creepy. I mean I always knew the bitch was psycho but she really proved it now. She would rather kidnap Caterina than let her be with the man she loves that was sickening to watch. The sweet love story in the mix of Ryle and Liliana was sweet to watch unfold as well. I hate on good ending although together its more in secret because Caterina has yet to call off her engagement to Geordo. Plus on this ending when she told Geordo he wanted more time he sounded more selfish in this part cause he made it sound like he didn't believe Alan could make her happy. I dont see how this was a good ending because Caterina talks about Alan being a dunce and not sure she romantically loves him. The doom ending being killed by Frederic was anticlimactic though if it was a doom ending would be more entertaining.

Alan really is a special kinda guy and I would say he is like tsundere, meets sad boy, meets best friend/big brother trope. He is a bit of them all and every interaction I had with him was either sweet, intimate, or I could feel how much he cared. I posted alot of his pictures but some of the things he says is even sweeter take a look at the video its the last scene where they announce their love. If your ok with the spoiler you will see how adorable they really are together.

Got bored, wrote a argumentative essay on why I believe Sam has body dysmorphia for fun so here it is:

For a character who defeated god, you may not think he could suffer from something as common as body dysmorphia. Sam Winchester from the tv series “Supernatural” (2005-2020) is a complex character, but is this throwaway line from pilot episode that brings this theory to life. “Sammy is a chubby twelve year old. It’s Sam, okay.” (s01ep01). A Iconic line, but knowing how this character grew up, it makes it hard to believe Sam would ever get to the point of being considered ‘Chubby’ unless he considered himself as such. In this essay, I will show why I believe Sam Winchester suffers from body dysmorphia with facts from the show.

Firstly, we have the fact that growing up, Sam (and Dean) had very little money. Growing up, his entire childhood and part of his adulthood was living in motels. With a absent father who would leave Sam and his brother for days or weeks with little money for food, they had to do with what they could. We know that Dean as a young age stole food and did things for money to buy said food. We also know that Dean went hungry time from time or ate very little so that Sam could eat decently. (We see in a episode a man asking Dean if his every gone hungry, like haven’t eaten in days hungry and Dean answer that he has.) We see in the Supernatural episode “Bad Boys” (s09ep07) in a flashback that Dean got arrested and sent to a boys home for getting caught stealing bread. The person in charge of the boys home, Sonny, asked him if the bread was for him but Dean never answers, knowing Dean character’s its safe to assume the bread was for Sam. Due to the fact that they barley had enough money and often went hungry, I don’t think Sam would have ever gotten the chance to get ‘Chubby’ unless he believed he was.

Secondly, we have the fact that their father, John Winchester, trained Sam and Dean from a young age. In a world of supernatural beings and a man driven by revenge, John constantly trained Sam and Dean throughout their childhood, and not just any training, military training with the bonus of fighting monsters. The moment Sam found out about the supernatural, his training began, which is depressing when you realize he was only eight, as is not like John would care considering Dean already knew how to shoot a gun around that age and he gave Sam a gun when he was nine. (“Yeah? When I told Dad I was scared of the thing in my closet, he gave me a .45.” …. “I was nine years old! He was supposed to say, don't be afraid of the dark.” (s01ep01) ) So with constant training, fighting for your life and going on hunts, is safe to say that Sam and Dean were constantly in shape. Which again, further cements my theory.

Lastly, and the most obvious fact, we see Sam at twelve years old. In that same episode “Bad Boys” (s09ep07) that I mentioned earlier, we see a young Sam Winchester briefly in the last flashback of that episode. We know that in the flashback’s of the episodes, Dean is sixteen years old, and considering the fact that his four years older than Sam, it would mean Sam is in fact, twelve years old. And in the scene, his in fact, a very small and skinny kid, and the oversized shirt his wearing doesn’t do any favors. So going back to Sam’s line in the pilot, things aren’t adding up, unless we considered, that this is just Sam suffering from body dysmorphia.

Now of course, you can argue that I’m over thinking this, that is a line from the first episode and they din’t even know if the show would do good and it was only going to last five seasons before it continued with a different writer. And yes, is okay to assume that, maybe Sam is just saying things to get Dean to stop calling him ‘Sammy’. But again, Why say that? They never had enough food to eat, they were constantly trained and doing things that would keep them in shape, and this is not even mentioned that throughout the entirety of the show, Sam is constantly eating healthy and keeping in shape by exercising and going on runs in the morning. And more obvious, Dean wouldn’t have believed him since he pretty much raised Sam and would know well enough Sam wasn’t chubby. And with the certainty that Sam had said the line, as if stating a fact, it’s same to assume that Sam personally believed that as so.

In conclusion, I believe Sam Winchester suffered from body dysmorphia. We see constant evidence in the show that there was never a way from Sam to end up ‘chubby’ as he claimed he was at twelve years old. And again, considering we actually see him at said age, it’s easy to assume that Sam just believed he actually was. Then again, this is all my own personal believe and theories, and every is entitled to their own opinion. In the end, this is just a show and nothing is real.

"BETRAYAL"

Uhthred x oc F!reader

CHAPTER 1/?

summary: revna and uhtred grew up together but the gods decided to play a cruel game on both of them what will happen.

WARNINGS:none at the moment

I remember the first time I saw him he looked scared. I mean what child wouldn't at the sight in front of him women and men being killed without hesitation. Soon I learned father had bought him from ubba he then told mother he was to help her around with chores and anything we needed. As we grew older i became more fond of him especially after my brother had left to ireland he was there for me taking care of me and protecting me but i knew no matter what i did he would always have eyes for one women in his life and that was brida and i hated it growing up how they would steal secret glances at each other how his eyes light up whenever he saw her but never for me how they would sneak away  together whenever they could thinking no one knew but of course everyone saw it how in love they both were with each other even father encouraged him so soon i had realized she made him happy and i didnt want  to ruin his happiness for my own selfish desire so painfully had to learned to love him from afar and kept quite the more we got older.

TIME JUMP 

 Here i sat next to my older sister our hands bound together by a rope as we watched our home get raided and burned down by none other danes but not just any danes kjarta and his men i scream trying to rid myself of the ropes and help my people but no matter how hard i tried  i just couldn't get the ropes off only managing to draw blood from wrist.

Soon the sight in front of me had me freeze in my spot as i watched my father make his way through the fire his body burning as he screamed then i saw his body fall right there and then i felt like my life had been taken from me tears made there way down my face like a waterfall without me noticing then i started to pray to the gods that uthred would appear and help me and thyra as i looked into the woods trying to see if i could hear or see anything indicating they were there i saw him and brida crouched down by some trees i soon felt some hope inside of me and my eyes light up at the sight of them as i saw them i told myself they were here too save us and everything would be alright but the next thing i saw broke my heart more he and brida quietly and quickly sneaking away from the scene.

I sat there in shock after everything that happened i then saw someone coming our way as i looked up i saw sven i glared at him he then bend down towards my sister then started whispering to her what i had no idea everything he said to me sounded muffled but then i smirked when she spit on his face and then i whispered “deserve you asshole” he then turned and glared at me then turned his attention back to my sister as he groped her tit and then again lost it and started screaming at him to keep his filthy hands away from my sister which in return he punched me hard knocking me out completely lat thing i was before passing out was my sister being dragged away against her will then everything went pitch black.

I just read your post about attachment styles and love it, but I'm curious about when the stuff about Mulcahy is mentioned in the series. I'm a bit obsessed with him and I really want to know when this will come up. I'm only in season six, but I've already heard spoilers galore, however I hadn't heard about this yet

Hi!! So… This ended up being a lot lot longer than I meant it to be because I just ended up rambling about some specific things and how they relate to attachment theory but I promise there’s examples and episode names and such in here so please bare with me. Also, in case you don’t read this all the way through lmao, feel free to dm me or whatever bc I am also obsessed with him if you can’t tell by my blog and I’d love to talk about this more. There’s a lot more examples of this stuff or just moments that you might enjoy that I don’t mention here so if you want more stuff or just to like chat about it feel free :))

My ramble about Father Mulcahy and his attachment issues (lmao) is below the cut!

Omg okay so a lot of this is reading between the lines/subtext type stuff. But there is some stuff that’s talked about! There an episode later on… I think it’s in season 10, called “Heroes.” Basically it’s about a fighter (I’m assuming a boxer but I don’t know for sure), who comes to visit the 4077th but he ends up having a stroke. The guy was a real asshole but Mulcahy seemed to worship him and got testy whenever anyone said anything about it, likely because later in the episode he says he only ever had two heroes in his life, that guy, and Plato. There’s a scene with Mulcahy near the end in post-op, and he’s alone with the fighter and tells him about the hero thing. He was talking about how he liked Plato’s “Ideal Plane” because his own life wasn’t ideal. He said he was small with thick glasses and was an easy target for other kids and he never even tried to fight back. But when he was… 12, I think? Something like that, he said his father dragged him to his first fight and he watched the guy who had the stroke fight another guy. By the end the other guy was really hurt and the fighter was just wailing on him, and Mulcahy said that everyone around him was telling the fighter to end it, and his dad was one of the loudest. But the fighter took a step back and told the ref to stop the fight because the other man was already hurt badly enough. Apparently that’s the first time Mulcahy realized he could defend himself without giving up his principles. Maybe by itself that doesn’t say much for attachment, but it got me thinking… He clearly was getting picked on by other kids all the time, beat up and thrown around and whatnot. I don’t remember when he says but I believe at some point he says that both his parents drank. That’s the only time I remember his talking about his father, and it’s about him loudly yelling for the guy to get this shit beat out of him. Doesn’t give a great impression, does it?

Another time was during one of the interview episodes when the reporter asks him if he wants to say hello to his family back home. Everyone else says hi to specific people, but Mulcahy just gives a half-hearted hello. The only person he corresponds with from home as far as we know is his sister Kathy. He seems very fond of her, and I have my own headcanons about their relationship and childhood and whatnot, but we know at least that he loves Kathy. But why is she the only one he ever talks to or about? Likely he doesn’t have a good relationship with his parents. And once he mentions having brothers, as he had to share a bed with them growing up, but he never talks about them either.

On that same note… Philadelphia isn’t a great area. And based on the comment about the bed and other things he’s said here and there, it seemed liked he grew up in poverty. That puts a lot of strain on someone, and especially familial relationships. There’s issues of food insecurity, lack of safety, living in likely a very small space given having to share a bed… and I’ll elaborate a bit more on this later but it seems like his parents were potentially abusive. Feeling unsafe growing up and especially like your caregivers can’t or are unwilling to protect you (or are the ones causing the harm) can affect your attachment relationships for the rest of your life.

Omg this is such a rant I’m so sorry. I have more.

I think it’s in season 2 or 3, there’s an episode where Henry and Mulcahy get trapped in the bombed out latrine. Maybe you remember it? They pull Mulcahy out and he’s dazed, potentially in shock, and doesn’t really know what’s going on. But he’s telling a story about himself and presumably Kathy, where she wanted to take apples from the yard or something and make apple pie because she learned how in the Girl Scouts. They made the pie and ate it before dinner or something and their mother came in and was like “what the hell is going on,” or something. He looks at Klinger (who is in a dress) and says it’s the first time he ever heard her swear. Presumably she was mad, which I mean makes sense if your kids made and ate a whole pie before dinner but he doesn’t go into much detail about it. This by itself wouldn’t have piqued my interest much, HOWEVER. This is a spoiler, but you said you don’t mind spoilers so… I’m just gunna go on with it. In the finale, Mulcahy loses his hearing. In AfterMASH (yes, I know a lot of people don’t consider it canon but it’s Mulcahy gold for me okay so hear me out), he turns to alcohol to cope with basically having nowhere to go and no job, and Kathy calls Potter to help him because he’s depressed, an alcoholic, etc etc. Potter got him in for a surgery to restore his hearing (I’m a bit salty about how this happened and all but it’s the next part that’s relavant). After the surgery, when he’s all loopy from anesthesia, there’s an inner monologue about his parents and some other things. He’s apologizing to his parents for something, I don’t remember what, and then wonders if someone (a she, but I can’t figure out who he’s talking about) hit him because of the drinking. But the past and present seem all mottled… I can’t really make sense of a lot of it. There’s something in there about someone being so angry when the bomb went off and he went deaf and he’s apologizing to his parents for going deaf (well actually he says he hopes they aren’t angry, he wasn’t supposed to be on the back of a street car but why are there bombs on streetcars anyway). It was a whole thing. But it just made me think like that’s twice now that the first thing he thought of when he was loopy af was his parents being angry… and that just doesn’t sit right with me. Maybe it’s the psych major in me but it doesn’t… it feels off.

Long story short… he’s got some sort of insecure attachment. There’s the main theory of attachment by Bowlby and Ainsworth, but there’s also so many bits that build off of this, such as splitting avoidant attachment into fearful and dismissing, all of which is based on interpersonal models and the scales of view of self and view of other, etc etc. I don’t know exactly which category he’d fit into because some of his hesitancy/not getting close to people is because of his job, right? But I definitely think it’s not all that.

You don’t often see him reach out for help. Securely attached people reach out for help when they need it and seek proximity to attachment figures when distressed/ill/etc, even in adulthood. Mulcahy doesn’t do that, except to Kathy. The odd time he’s told Potter he feels useless and there’s a whole plot line about that (Dear Sis is the episode, it’s my fav episode of the series, in season 10), and he doesn’t feel like he’s any good for anything if he’s not needed or helping others. That could come from needing to please people (like his parents) to avoid being punished or because he had to help raise his siblings bc his parents were absent/neglectful/abusive/etc. Again we don’t know much about his family, but the snippets you get here and there aren’t great. Anyway my point here was that Mulcahy typically only seeks advice/comfort from very select people (Kathy, Hawkeye) and always seeks to please. Always. He’s also always looking for some sort of validation, likely because he has a negative self-view and anxious attachment and needs that confirmation that he’s doing okay and is actually useful.

I… I have so much to say about him. And his attachment issues. I created a mash oc that initially was supposed to be his best friend and as I was going along with it I was like “oh my god he’s so insecure in his attachment” and just like…he’s always the one taking care of others but never lets anyone help him (ex. The hepatitis episode). And again some of that is his vocation… but what drew him to that vocation in the first place?

No matter what attachment style you have or who you are or what your job is, humans need attachment figures in their lives. Some people deny it, some people are scared to be vulnerable, but whether they realize it or not attachment figures and the attachment network are necessary to be healthy. That’s why the attachment system exists in the first place, to provide us with a feeling of safety and security.

I could literally ramble about this for forever. I have notes actually from class today that made me think about this even more so I could probably make this a bit more coherent if I looked at them… maybe I’ll do that another time. Idk.

You said this was after Mel broke the curse and killed his father. When the Supreme deity got revived, she mocked the sins, especially her daughter, how they were unable to save Mel and how pathetic and ironic it is that Mel got killed by the person he loves the most.

Ohhh~ I want Tristan (maybe with the event of 4koa?) to add on the pile. When Tristan was born, everyone was protective of him because he reminded them of Mel and mostly because he was the last piece of Mel.

Tristan grew up hearing Mel's adventures with the remaining sins, but no one told him how he died because the kingdom thinks if they told him that his mother killed his father, he would grew to despise her.

Zeldris tries to visit Tristan as much as possible because his brother's son needs to know he has an uncle, and like everyone else, he was the last piece of Mel. He didn't like Eli at all, he avoids or hiss at her everytime he sees her. He still holds a grudge of her for killing his brother despite Tristan's confusion of his uncle and mother's relationship. Zeldris didn't like talking about his brother and tired to avoid the topic everytime Tristan asked because he never got to hang out nor get to know him.

I leave the rest to you because I love how you rambled with ideas, and I love them!!!

You know what even more sadder in this au?

Is that Mel never got peace after the curse broke after killing his father, he never got to live in peace with Eli and his family :(((

saharthings asked: Gowther would be giving Tristan the story of the seven deadly sins, mainly his parents. He would see how much suffering his parents have went through especially his father. Although, it never shown his death because like everyone else, Gowther doesn't want Tristan to hate his mother.

(In reference to/continuation of this and this post)

Oh, you want rambling? Well then, let's see what I can do.

First of, yes, this is after the breaking of the curse and the death of the Demon King. That is, in a way, what creates the whole heartbreak of it all - the curse being broken means Meliodas is really dead-dead with no resurrection.

(Oh damn. When I think about it, it would be interesting to explore an AU to this AU, I guess you could call it, where the events in My Love, It Burns (bad ending) happens BEFORE the curse is broken. This would present a whole different kind of angst, because we all know Meliodas would brush it off because it's not like he can actually die and they've got a curse to break, but Elizabeth would be completely wrecked with the guilt and - Yeah, I might actually write this some day. Maybe?)

Okay, I got a little sidetracked. But! The curse is broken, Meliodas is dead. This would of course change everything about the fight against the Supreme Deity. There are so many things in Cursed by Light that depend on Meliodas and his relationships. He and Elizabeth are out on their honeymoon trip when they meet Zeldris and Gelda, he "convinces" Zeldris to let them come along to the Demon Realm, they all fight together against Dahlia and Dubs and thereby learn about the Supreme Deity's involvement, then they get back to Liones in time for Meliodas and Zeldris to kill her. This story would look completely different without Meliodas. Elizabeth would have no reason to go on the trip and wouldn't run into Zeldris and Gelda, her relationship with Zeldris would be even worse off than Meliodas' is in canon, Zeldris and Gelda would be forced to face Dahlia and Dubs alone, and Zeldris and Gelda's roles in the actual fight with the Supreme Deity would look different as they would in that case come there to face her alone without any involvement from Meliodas.

It's interesting to think about (and now I kinda wanna make a fic out of that too - but I would have to figure out how to write actual fight scenes first lol). I can definitely see the Supreme Deity being absolutely cruel against the remaining Sins and even more against Elizabeth. After everything Elizabeth did, after going against the Supreme Deity and the goddesses' principles, after choosing Meliodas time and time again, she was the one to kill him. The Supreme Deity would no doubt appreciate the irony of it. And then the Seven Deadly Sins? The famed order of knights, responsible for defeating the demon threat, kill the Demon King himself and end the war, well, they couldn't even keep their own captain alive. Oh... I think her gloating about Meliodas' demise would be the cause of her own fall. Because like the Sins and Elizabeth, yeah they might accept her talking shit about themselves - hello guilt and self-blame - but not each other and absolutely not Meliodas. Elizabeth would make good of that threat she gives in canon, that if the Supreme Deity doesn't stop hurting her family and friends, she will fight her. And fight her she does! Alongside Zeldris, who came after there to confront her after everything that happened in the Demon Realm.

That would be what determined Elizabeth and Zeldris' relationship going forward. But before we step further into the future, there's one more character I wanna talk about: Gelda.

Gelda's place in this AU and the whole ordeal with Meliodas' death is another intriguing thing to think about. Because on one side, she sees firsthand the utter devastation Meliodas' death at the Elizabeth's hands causes Zeldris. On the other side, Meliodas and Elizabeth were the ones who freed her from her second seal and then saved Zeldris from the Demon King, not just when he possessed Zeldris body but also by killing the Demon King and releasing Zeldris from his influence and control. I also think she and Elizabeth have a deeper understanding for each other - she knows that Elizabeth would of course never willingly harm Meliodas, if she did that it was either an accident or because it was literally the only option she had. Gelda would be able to view the situation more objectively and not let her emotions cloud her ability to see it from Elizabeth or the Sins' perspective. I think she would push Zeldris to maintain a relationship with Elizabeth after Meliodas' death and especially after the news about baby Tristan.

Of course, Zeldris doesn't need much convincing to be a part of Tristan's life - but more about that later. First, let's talk a little about Tristan himself.

I don't know which alternative is worse: Elizabeth finding out she's pregnant with Meliodas' child after her magic kills him, or Elizabeth and Meliodas both already knowing she's pregnant when the attack happens. Ugh, so much angst, I love it. Or, third option, Bartra knew Elizabeth was pregnant because of his Vision but hadn't said anything yet because he wanted them to find out on their own and then Elizabeth had to find out alone because Meliodas' died before he could even find out he was going to be a father. So, so much angst potential in this AU.

Okay, but what about Tristan then? No matter how anyone finds out, Tristan is born and suddenly there's this last piece of Meliodas, completely free of all the pain and horror, in the world. So, Tristan grows up fiercely protected. Just like in canon, Tristan will constantly hear how much like his mother he looks. From outsiders. But when it comes to his family and even more his parents' family and friends, they look at him and they see Meliodas - which is not good for the guilt that none of them seem able to shake, and definitely makes their protectiveness of Tristan worse.

Tristan might never have gotten the chance to meet his father, but everyone around him certainly makes him feel alive. Tristan grows up surrounded by stories about his father; of how he saved the kingdom and the entirety of Britannia, of how he saved his family and friends in big and small ways, of how he was a demon and he was good, of how despite everything he went through he would always smile, of how his cooking could make even an immortal fear for his life. Tristan heard stories about the big things and the small things, the amazing things and the silly things. He heard stories about everything except how his father died. It was the one thing nobody would ever speak to him about - he was a hero, he died protecting this kingdom; never a how and never a who. Even when Gowther gifted him the story of his parents, that part was still missing.

As the years pass, Tristan gets even more stuck on that one missing story. Some might even say it turns into an obsession. But Tristan can't let it go; it's that one even that kept him from ever meeting his father. And he just doesn't get it. Why won't anyone tell him? There was definitely some horrible things that Gowther still showed him, so why not his father's death? Tristan is not stupid, with every avoided story, he realized that there's something more to it, there's something about how his father died that everyone is trying to keep from him.

(Okay, now I want to write THAT story too. Tristan's search for the truth about his father's death over the years, with a lot of focus on Zeldris' relationships with Tristan and Meliodas too. Because if anyone is going to stop treating him like a child it's Zeldris, if anyone is going to understand what it's like to never get to have a real relationship with Meliodas, it's Zeldris).

Now, about Zeldris. Like I said earlier, he doesn't need much convincing once the news about Tristan reaches them. He doesn't really want to be around Elizabeth (even if she did help him kill her own mother) or the remaining Seven Deadly Sins, but Tristan's his family. He's Meliodas' son. To Zeldris, as well, he's the last piece of Meliodas still alive in this world. And Zeldris needs him to know that he has an uncle, that his father had a family too. He wants Tristan to know about demons and see the beauty in those powers too. Most of all, he doesn't want Tristan to be ashed of his father's genes, he wants him to have the childhood and the family that both he and Meliodas were robbed of. That's what Meliodas would have wanted to. Zeldris might never have gotten to make up with his brother, to forgive him or even talk about everything they said or didn't say - he never got to have a relationship with his brother, but he can have one with his nephew. Zeldris visits Tristan as often as his own duties allow. As he grows older, Tristan sometimes visits him in the Demon Realm too. When Zeldris is in Liones he tries his best to avoid Elizabeth and anyone else of Meliodas' friends. Their relationship is still bad, but they all do their best to keep the bad blood hidden from Tristan - he still notices things. They all just want to make right by Meliodas.

At first, Zeldris is one of the only people who won't talk about Meliodas with Tristan. He will tell him about the Demon Realm and about demons, but never about Meliodas. Not even when Tristan asks him about him. It doesn't last. As Tristan grows older, the questions increases. Zeldris still tries to avoid the topic, even gets into arguments with Tristan about it, until eventually... Eventually Zeldris can't avoid it anymore. He's forced to confront his own relationship with Meliodas. Because Tristan actually thinks Zeldris hates how big brother, that he doesn't miss him. Zeldris has missed Meliodas since long before he actually died. After that, Zeldris starts telling Tristan about Meliodas as well. Not about his death and not about the Meliodas that Britannia knew. He tells him about the Meliodas before all that, about growing up in the Demon Realm together, about going dragon hunting. He tells him about the few moments they actually got to have as brothers, about the Meliodas that Zeldris grew up looking up to and admiring.

Yeah, Meliodas never getting the peace with Elizabeth is the most cruel part about this AU, and what I kinda wanted to focus on with the bad ending. "After all these years, their parents had won." Because that's what happened. All Meliodas ever wanted was to live in peace with Elizabeth, but he died and he wasn't coming back, and thereby it was a reality he never got. But not only that, with Tristan added to it all, it makes it worse. Because Meliodas never got to see the family he left behind and Tristan never got to meet him. Even if Tristan tried to get into the Necropolis/City of the Dead he couldn't, because he has no shared memories with Meliodas.

And with that I'm gonna shut up before I'm hit with even more fic ideas (I already have sooo many - I mean I love it, I love writing them, but also ahhh)

Season 2, Episode 3 the daisho caper

For @csweekly

*aggressively sings along to Boston*

Shadowsan does the geography brief. We see soon that it’s the past but this is how we know he’s officially part of the team. It’s SO sweet. Shadowsan used to be si soft on Carmen but as she grew he got colder. She looked up to him so much it’s so clear. And he never really stopped being soft he just had to act once she showed an interest in being a thief.

Give me that scene of Maelstrom talking about the Scandinavian countries to a three ( two, four?) year old PLEASE. I’m both horrified and fascinated.

The way Shadowsan speaks so highly of samurai this episode and he’s a ninja. You can see how much he loathes himself, especially after his backstory.

Also it’s Carmen’s dream we are seeing. That makes me even more emotional. She’s so much more at peace knowing Shadowsan is on her side.

The way Hideo talks about the missing sword to Carmen in such a detached and ancient way. Shadowsan didn’t completely learn the set of half truths from VILE or on his own. It hurts ESPECIALLY after we find out the truth

It takes Shadowsan all season to come completely clean. This episode just foreshadows it. Carmen has to literally rip the truth from him. He keeps trying to go on his own to spare her, in the episode right after she told him no secrets. She does it twice in this episode. First with why he’s here and Again with his brother. He continues to try and handle things himself.

I think it’s good character growth and foreshadowing. A person can’t change twenty years of themselves in a day. In the end, he’ll get to see Carmen stronger for knowing and he will be even prouder of her. The true burden will be lifted from his shoulders.

MORE THAN A FEELING!!!!siblings having fun. Dramatic Zack. Please take a moment to appreciate the AMUSED look that Carmen gives him leaning over the table. How much she enjoys their goofs. How much of an enabler she is. And then Shadowsan IMMEDIATELY saying “I too was young and foolish once.” Is peak comedic timing.

Also look behind them the words are in Japanese to sing along. Ivy and Zack have this song *memorized* classic rock fans after my own heart

VILE doesn’t waste time moving against Shadowsan. They know his criminal history. He was a student and Faculty after the others. They’ve always had this over him.

Lady Dokuso!!!!! I adore having a poison master in VILE. She has single handedly given me SO MUCH writing opportunities. Makes her own poisons??? We can make whatever we need to suit the fic. She’s so cool.

I LOVE Shadowsan’s hesitation to steal the sword (and the mask in s3) it’s SUCH good character stuff. The show steadily shows us more and more holes in his guarded personality.

Carmen’s code strength astounds me every time.

Saved the hat this time!!!

“Someone’s taking the security cameras offline. And it’s not me!” OH MY Gosh. Not what you want to hear from your hacker the way Player’s screens go fuzzy and his slightly panicked expression gives me happy goosebumps every time.

Suhara! I legit couldn’t figure out why they’d use a family name as his given name at first but after I rewatched the 90s cartoon I remembered that it’s because that’s what they named Carmen’s literal ACME mentor. It’s a homage on purpose. He’s still her mentor here. He still cares. I greatly appreciate that they did that.

“I can’t keep operating with only half the story” she literally has to pry it all out of him and stil forgives him. They are stronger in s3 because of it.

NO ONE EXPECTS THE BOWL CUT

Team Red’s plan in this is FANTASTIC. Including the plan to trap Paper Star Love how it unfolds. First we have yakuza enjoying a tender karaoke song, then Shadowsan enters the club like a COWBOY gunslinger into a saloon honestly this setting they’ve created is exceptional.

Ivy you are rocking your role.

THE CHOPSTICKS and the fact that Ladt Dokuso KNEW he’d use them.

My gosh Shadowsan’s willpower and resiliency is so impressive here. He’s backing up his words. The way he holds onto the sword with literally every bit of strength he has left. Honestly it’s so moving. And the way he rests easy when the swords are together. His great burden has been lifted.

I don’t even know where to begin with the ending here. Everything about it is so good. Shadowsan gets to return the swords himself. And we think he’s disappeared but instead we see that he reveals himself and gives his brother an apology, nOT running away any longer. It’s so meaningful because we’ve seen his growth through this. And his wORDS “I don’t expect forgiveness. Please allow me to correct this grave dishonor” and Hideo is SHOCKED and in a very mature storyline and very needed to be told, Hideo does not forgive him (at least not yet, I think this storyline would have been fine ending here but s3 gives it an even more meaningful and masterful conclusion). It’s a good lesson to learn, that there are consequences to one’s actions.. And it hurts, Shadowsan clearly wanted to reconcile with his brother here but was very realistic. It makes the ending so bittersweet. He is solidly on team red now after all of that.

Can we talk about Carmen’s line at the end though? “I don’t know what’s worse. Not knowing your own family or not being able to return to the one you have.”Carmen grew up with VILE as her family but she never actually knew them, it’s not just her unknown parents she’s talking about. And not being able to return? Yeah she’s experienced that too. Now that she knows, there’s no turning back for her either, just as Shadowsan told her. She chose a road that she can’t return from.

Shadowsan was talking about himself just as much as her. He regretted his choice. That’s why he knew she would too. He knew he the best out if all of them. The way their conversations come full circle. Masterful.

This episode is SO good

A Cuisine Under Siege

I couldn’t rescue my aunt in Gaza, but I can keep her recipes alive.

Though I’ve lived abroad most of my life, Gaza is where I call home. It's where my parents were born and raised and where I spent summers as a child. Whenever we’d return, we’d be welcomed back by our large extended family. First among them was my aunt An’am Dalloul, whom we called Khalto Um Hani: “mother of Hani,” her eldest child and my cousin. She’d always arrive bearing a bowl of sumagiyya, Gaza City’s signature meat stew with chard, sumac, and chickpeas—and my father's favorite meal. Um Hani, along with my cousins Hoda, Wafaa, and Hani, were killed in an Israeli airstrike in their residential Gaza City neighborhood in November 2023. In an instant, the household perished, my cousin Nael later told me. Only a skeleton of the building was left. He recounted the horrific scene over WhatsApp—how he gathered their remains in his arms and buried them in a mass grave under heavy Israeli bombardment, how he failed to retrieve the corpse of one of his sisters, and how his brother bled to death before paramedics could reach him. Nael, like 90 percent of Gazans at the time of writing, is displaced, fleeing with his children from one city to the next in search of shelter, food, and some semblance of safety. He has been surviving on canned beans for more than three months. Nael’s news shook me to my core. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn't eat. I was overwhelmed with a profound sense of helplessness and despair. Was it only a matter of time before the rest of my family in Gaza would perish?  As I read Nael’s texts, the memories came flooding back. Of Um Hani cooking in her bright, breezy kitchen wearing the traditional white hijab and light blue jalabiya. Of the birthmark on her face and her soft olive skin. Of her husky voice and the gentle laugh that masked the fierce and determined woman underneath. Um Hani was an anchor to me, a link to the paternal grandmother I never met and to a city I often felt estranged from. She was a repository of memories, a key to the fragmented world to which I belonged as a Palestinian. She taught me to make the near-forgotten dishes my grandmother loved, the ones my father grew up eating such as adas wi batata (lentils and potatoes cooked in a clay pot with lemon and fried garlic) and samak il-armala (“widow’s fish,” or fried eggplants with chiles and ribbons of fresh basil). But as fate would have it, she never got the chance to show me how to make sumagiyya—her specialty, brimming with lamb and spiced with dill seeds and cumin.

[...]

I live in the United States now, and I’ve cooked sumagiyya more times than I can count—even if it never tastes quite like Um Hani’s. One occasion stands out. It was May 2021, and Gaza City was being pummeled in what was the fourth major assault by Israel on Gaza in 14 years. The attack coincided with Eid, and as I watched on my screen in Clarksville, Maryland horrific images of air raids and grief-stricken mothers, I suddenly felt the urge to make a pot of sumagiyya.Serving it to my family and friends that night, despite the unfolding tragedy, was unexpectedly liberating and affirming.   Last month, I again found myself in tears chopping onions and chard for sumagiyya, but this time I was making it to honor Um Hani’s memory. Like in 2021, I couldn’t look away from the news: The park where I used to take my son for evening strolls, the beach promenade where I drank sage tea with my mother, the university where I gave guest lectures—they were all unrecognizable piles of overturned dirt and warped wire.

[...]

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what I would go back to, and what I would find, if I returned to Gaza. Most of the landmarks have been destroyed. Gone too are many of the people I cherished. But with Ramadan fast approaching, and with no end in sight to the bombardment, it feels like I am the torchbearer now, the family’s keeper of treasured recipes. Like Um Hani, I will cook and I will teach, connecting the next generation of Palestinians to our homeland.

For RRR prompt

Dhruva and Daya as detectives in a 1940s, film-noir style setting

1940s Film Noir is a genre i don't know…anything about really. But based on my Google research, here's what I've got. (if some of the plot points appear similar to other movies, that's cause I am "borrowing" them)

We have: Dhruva, an ex-police office who grew tired of the rampant corruption within the department, and now works as a private detective, accepting whatever payment his clients can afford to spare. Daya, an inspector who uses the power of his position to benefit himself. He used to do it out of greed, until a case involving a sexually assaulted girl who would never get justice because her attackers had money. Now he's jaded, and gets the money not for its sake, but because it's the only way to survive.

One rainy evening, a man, a boy really, barely starting to grow a moustache, shows up at his office, shaking like a leaf. He looks like he's not had a proper meal in months, all skin and bones, with bags under his eyes, and hair laying limply on his head. The boy asks, pleads with Dhruva to help him find his older brother, who went missing 2 days ago. He explains that they are orphans and his brother is the only family he has. Explains how he works as a newspaper delivery boy and his brother works at the matchbox factory. Dhruva takes on the case, and decides to snoop at midnight, once the factory is empty. Except when he gets there, the place is guarded by police and he learns a body has been found. His heart wrenches at the thought of telling the boy, except it turns out the body is of the factory manager. What happened? Could the boy's brother have gotten into a fight? Could this have been an accident, or self-defense? Daya meanwhile is told to solve the murder quickly, that the culprit is a worker at the factory, a 22-year old who had stolen money from the factory and had a history of talking back. The crime scene also has footprints matching the shoes of the young man.

So we have our two heroes investigating two connected crimes from very different angles that eventually run into each other at the young man's hideout. The place has been ransacked, and Daya is certain Dhruva is to be blamed. Till someone tries to shoot them both. They manage to duck and return fire, Dhruva even clipping him on the shoulder. But by the time they reach the place their assassin had been hiding, he's gone. Daya is now pissed, because it is looking like this nosey private eye might be onto something, but more importantly someone just tried to kill him. He's still not willing to share information with Dhruva. But it doesn't matter because once they are at the station, Dhruva uses the few minutes he's left alone to look through what Daya has so far. He's disdainful but unsurprised by the lack of effort put into looking at any other suspects. It is, after all, easier to blame the poor man who isn't even present to defend himself. Clues from Daya's sparse notes lead Dhruva to the mansion of the factory owner, and he comes to know the son of the factory owner is home. Meeting with the son, Dhruva feels he is being insincere, hiding something. But it still feels like a dead end. Until Daya comes in and gets angry with Dhruva for interfering and kicks him out. Dhruva is fuming but he goes back to the office to find his client, the younger brother waiting with his brother's diary. Dhruva sends the boy away, telling him to keep his head down and to find him at the first sign of any trouble. As he reads the diary, Dhruva realises what's been happening. The factory owner has switched the chemicals used in the manufacturing of their products, and these chemicals are slowly causing the workers to fall sick. The elder brother has managed to obtain evidence of the danger from these chemicals. Plus the way he describes how he tracked down the evidence, it sounds like he had a partner. Or at least a person who could be a witness. A witness! They could be the key to finding his target. Dhruva re reads the diary, and realises the witness and his target weren't just working together but in love. Love …Another thing Dhruva had grown jaded of. As Dhruva thumbs through his notes, he runs down all the people in his investigation. There's only one person who could be the lover. The factory owner's son. Dhruva feels idiotic not having made the connection sooner. Except before he can go confront the young man again, he is ambushed and kidnapped. Daya, who had told Dhruva to meet him at the station the next day is annoyed when Dhruva doesn't show. He goes to Dhruva's office/home and finds the place throughly upturned with clear signs of struggle. Daya manages to retrieve Dhruva's notes where the man had hidden them and comes to the same conclusion. His own investigation had been pulling up all kinds of red flags or things that were too perfect to be real. Knowing Dhruva was running out of time, Daya makes a guess that this is all centering around the factory and gets there in time to hear the factory owner holding Dhruva and the boy he had been searching for on their knees, with guns to their heads. As per movie norms, here's where the big climax fight would happen and the bad guy would be arrested. The two brothers would be reunited, and Dhruva promises to keep the secret of the lovers. Daya says he can file death certificates for the son and the elder brother. The trio decide to leave the city and start anew elsewhere. And for Daya and Dhruva? For the lone wolf who is living just to survive, abd the jaded ex-officer of the law who wants to confront the whole world and make it bend? Well, they agree that they weren't half bad when they worked together. Crime doesn't stop, and just cause one rich man was arrested doesn't mean other will too. But who knows, with this pair working together, maybe some change can be made. And, some time down the line, a partnership founded on professional grounds could morph into the foundation for something more.

…I have no idea if this made much sense, and there are plot holes large enough to drive a plane through , but it's a tentative first draft plot? Was this anywhere close to what you wanted? I hope you liked it @yonderghostshistories

Let me know what you think!

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

Books I’ve read so far in 2023!

Friend me on Goodreads here to follow my more up to date reading journey for the year!

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64. Things We Never Got Over by Lucy Score--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Hear me out: The main reason why this isn't a five star read was because something about it kept putting me off. Like, I would pick up the book and think, "I'm really enjoying this, wow!" and then I'd put it down. Then anxiety would hit and I wouldn't pick it up for days at a time. But I've very glad I did.

I loved the story behind this and seeing how the FMC and the MMC worked through their *cough* sexual *cough* frustrations. Their chemistry jumped off the page from the moment they met. Their spicy scenes fed some of the spicy hunger I had while reading this book, but it was how they grew to not being able to be without the other that really got me...even if this was set in a short amount of time.

Let's be honest: this book was massive, but it takes place over a surprisingly short amount of time. That threw me off a bit.

I loved the whole "evil twin" trope because it felt like its own character for the first half of this book. It definitely added a nice twist to the traditional small-town romance storyline! Especially since the FMC was already running away from something in her past.

The cast of side characters were great and I enjoyed getting to know them and watching them grow and just warm the pages of the book.

One thing: This felt very much like a book Zapata fans would love. My only complaint (even though in other instances I would be the opposite of this) is that we had a dual perspective. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed seeing what Knox had to say and what his thoughts were, but one of the things I enjoyed about books like this is seeing the love interest slowly melt as the story progresses. Being able to see what he's thinking kind of took that mystery away for me. I'm just in a contrarian kind of mood, I guess.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this and I'm glad I kept trying to read it. It was definitely worth the fight and I definitely want to pick up the sequel at some point this year!

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65. Hitting the Wall by Cate C. Wells--⭐️⭐️⭐️

I came for the secret baby and stayed for the tough as balls FMC. She was a fighter mom who only wanted the best for her daughter and who loved her no matter what society told her or threw at her. Their relationship was what made this book something so special.

But that MMC was something else. He was so naive and so frustrating. There was so much talk about "family" and being unable to believe that someone he grew up with could be so awful. But I WILL say that I appreciated how he did start to notice certain things and was immediately in dad mode. I do think, however, that he needed a backbone and I absolutely loved how the main character kept calling him out whenever he said, "I'll talk to them".

The spice was pretty good, but also felt slightly basic and a little fast--especially consider the trauma the FMC has of being shut out so soon after their ONS so many years before (when she was 17 and he was 24, btw, which was weird af.)

I did like the mystery behind this and how it carries into the second book. I DO think that one of the things that could potentially be detrimental to this series is how it is potentially intertwined with the other series by Wells. I'm pretty sure something happens in another book in her other series that is referenced in book 2. Also, the abrupt ending in this book where...no one really faces any real consequences was disappointing.

Good thing I liked the second book more.

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66. Against the Wall by Cate C. Wells--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Hands down, this book was better than the first one.

The MMC still had some naive moments like his brother in book one, but his spine was a little stronger. Plus, we all love the misguided guy who thinks the only way to get the love of his life's attention is by teasing her and *bullying* her in front of others, even though he insists that he wasn't bullying her.

I think with storylines like this, where we have two narrators, getting the full story really adds meat to a story, transforming it from a one dimensional bully story into a fully fledged story of a man pining so hard for another woman that he reverts to acting like a child. For example, her commenting that he was acting weird and twitchy, when, after reading what his personality is actually like, the reader knows that he's just nervous as hell.

The spice took a while, but I enjoyed it (even if it was admittedly brief) because we had to work for it. It wasn't gratuitous and it was granted to us after a build up of this relationship being fixed and healed.

But while I enjoyed the banter (I laughed a few times), the surprisingly delicious southern charm, and the thrilling undertone of the mystery and cloud of despair hanging over the town, I really didn't like how the FMC reacted to something she stumbles upon. Granted, maybe I'm broken, but I didn't agree at all with her reaction. Another thing I wasn't a huge fan of, but I won't take a star off for because it makes sense since this is a southern book, but the God worship was...a lot. If it wasn't for the sex, swear words, and innuendo, I'd call this a Christian romance. It was a lot and although it didn't feel preachy, it was a lot more than I was used to in my romance novels.

Also, some of the events of book one are transferred to this one, so that was a great way of continuing the tension from the last book.

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67. Skandar & the Phantom Rider by A.F. Steadman--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

SKANDAR book one took me completely by surprise. I never expected to love it as much as I did, to the point where I sometimes still think about it. I think this is one of those series that has the power to be remembered decades from now because it has so many things that a lot of readers love in MGLit novels: adventure, mystery, a daring group of friends, an outcast MC trying to still do the right thing, and a world that is determined to make the MC's life as difficult as possible.

While book two didn't have the same impact on me as book one, I still really enjoyed it. I loved the twists and that ending! This book follows the MC almost directly after the events of book one, so we are immediately seeing the repercussions of his secret keeping, how the truth of his existence is affecting his new society, and what it looks like to be treated as an outsider in a very bigoted world (bigotry against spirit unicorns). I liked seeing these very really consequences and felt the pain the MC felt when he encountered the people who wanted to either keep him down or take him out completely.

One of the things this series also tackles in a slightly subtle way is grief, its effects, and its aftershocks. It shows us our inability to forgive when grief has its clutches in us--whether it's grief for a person or for a life that never was. This grief can be catastrophic and even world-ending.

SKANDAR also touches on the very real emotions kids might experience: jealousy, moments where emotions are overwhelming but because they're so young they don't fully know how to navigate them, and the fear of disappointing those we love.

This is just a very well rounded book with some surprising twists and fun but dangerous adventure. I loved reading about how these characters find the answers they're seeking, despite everything being against them.

I highly recommend this series!

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68. Charge by Cate C. Wells--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Came for the single mom romance with a biker dude, stayed for the adorable kid and the slap in the face the FMC's dad and stepmom needed after all of the shit they put her through. The level of audacity these people have is so frustrating that that ending was *chef's kiss*.

I love how we're introduced to the MMC in this book because it felt very realistic (especially when he finds out that the beautiful and young woman he was hitting on is actually a very young mom). I don't think I've ever read a romance book where the love interest looks terrified and breaks that "oozing sexual confidence" that a lot of love interests tend to have when the MC first meets them. It was hilarious and one of the better parts of this book.

I think I'd have to dig further into this series to fully appreciate some of the characters since they're only briefly touched on, but I did find it entertaining to see some characters I recognized from Wells's other series.

Trigger warning in this one for the mention of r#@e--that part was rough. Also, victim blaming, and emotional and verbal abuse. Stay safe out there!

I'd definitely recommend this one to readers who love a strong mom who doesn't have an easy life, but has all of the love for her child. Also, if you like a sassy kid who has a huge personality, then this one might appeal to you. And finally, if you like the classic bad boy with a heart of gold and brothers who would ride to war for him, then you need to add this to your TBR.

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69. Hidden Pictures by Jason Rekulak--⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

While this wasn't as amazing as I thought it would be (thanks hype trains), I ended up really enjoying HIDDEN PICTURES.

I thought the mystery aspect of this book was fun and had some pretty good twists thrown in there, even though they did feel like they came out of nowhere. The paranormal aspect of the story gave it that nice creepy vibe--especially the artwork thrown into the story here and there.

The writing wasn't the absolute best. There were some instances that felt very YA, especially when the MC is falling for her love interest. I do love their teamwork, but it was giving me YA Thriller vibes (which isn't a bad thing because I love that genre). I don't know if I'd call this a horror novel, maybe more of a paranormal thriller?

That being said, there were definitely some creepy and skin tingling scenes that had nothing to do with the paranormal aspect. Those scenes made me so uncomfortable and were probably the things that creeped me out the most about HIDDEN PICTURES. Other than the truth behind the mystery. That was some twisted shit.

If you're looking for a fast-paced paranormal thriller this summer, this might be the one for you. Maybe don't read it alone in a dark cabin, though.

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Have you read any of these books? Let me know your thoughts!

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Happy reading!

i have a whole au that involves vanitas being transmasc (specifically masc/vers/neutra-adrogyne gender expression and agender identity) so i'll list some of the details (a lot of it is pre "transition" idk if i can call it transition because he never really did a transition?) also this is the first time i have a fully fleshed out idea of a trans au so please tell me if some things are inaccurate (though the androgyne expression, agender identity is something i've been self questioning a bit):

his birth name is Artemis

he didn't present as a guy until after Luna and Mikhail's deaths so Misha calls him sister

in Vani's eyes, Artemis died with her mother and brother and vampire doctor Vanitas was born

that scene where Misha imitates vanitas? but "oh! i was trying to act like my sister! hm... i suppose you'd know her better as my brother?" he's honestly very angry with Vanitas about this (not even bc Vani is trans but because vani isn't the same as he remembers; how can he go back to the happiest moments of his life if his sibling is different)

little Artemis wanted to be a boy to protect her little brother and so nobody would look down on her back when she trained with the chasseurs

when Number 69 first told the blue moon vampire her name Blue literally got so happy and said "Artemis! like the goddess that pulls the moon.. perhaps it was fate for our paths to intertwine haha!"

but it took a while before she told her brother and new mom her name

trigger warning; he never physically transitioned of his own choice but the doctor's experiments.... well let's say they did more than just inject blue blood into Number 69. after all what does an experiment need a sex and gender for?

before the vampire killed her dad and the others of the travelling show, Artemis was also in the show as an aerialist and acrobat. it was something she truly loved.

it's the reason why you can always find vanitas on a roof or high places when he's overwhelmed (also why he can stand on the top of an airship without batting an eye)

often Luna would come to the roof as well to comfort the child (bringing mikhail along if he was still awake) — they would sometimes talk to Artemis or sometimes just look at the night sky with her in silence

Luna also liked to sing to the children, Vanitas will hum the song when he's alone on a roof

also because of this, what he lacks in strength, he's makes up with agility and reflexes

Artemis never called Luna mother or father but she did wonder if this is what she could've experienced if her birth didn’t kill her mother

mikhail also wanted a lunar name like Luna and Artemis so they decided to call him Charon (a moon of pluto and a greek psychopomp; references that mikhail actually did die but is currently revived temporarily). he decided he preferred misha though

vanitas never calls his brother misha because he understands that the boy's mother called him that to prentend he was a girl. instead he called him mika (mikhail was still very excited that his sibling finally used an endearing nickname for him)

Vanitas never had dysphoria but he considered Artemis too weak for trusting and caring for people deeply and that she is a vital part of the memories he wants to keep buried. so if someone called him by his dead name.... run. we all know what he feels towards anyone who wants to know his past.

if he's okay with a person knowing his past he's okay with them using any pronouns for him though he/him is their most preferred. he feels quite awkward about using the name Artemis again because it reconnects him with Luna more (in this au he's no longer human and is the new blue moon vamp [thanks to the parade people- naenia, grandpa de sade, etc]; noe will still kill him but not yet) but if you have a vvv close relationship, he'll allow it. please be careful with the trust they placed in you.

(another thing is that his hair turns white when he uses the book a lot now)

after being saved by Luna, Artemis grew her bangs out (it having been cut so horribly simply so it wouldn't get in the way of 'procedures')

he would have kept his hair long but he didn’t like the feeling of it in his face so he gave himself bangs again and keeps the rest tied (he's not very good at cutting his hair so he just keeps it the way it was when he was with Moreau)

only Jeanne knows he's trans (bc of the cabin scene)

and murr i guess (canon that he only likes women and vani)

eventually everyone else will learn his past as well. and while they are shocked, it does explains certain peculiarities about him

oh! remember that scene when he says he cures vampires as revenge to Luna? it's because Luna once told them that she no longer resents those of the red moon and that while she may not regret cursing them, she'd never do it again-

"Artemis... in my years. I've learned that the best revenge is to prove someone wrong... to be kind. Never be the person they think you are. I know the feeling of being ostracized by my own kind. Do not let that anger overtake you. One day you'll meet those who make you realise that the world isn't as harsh as you thought, just as I have with you and your brother."

when her true name got tainted she went back to the strong resentment. Vanitas' "revenge" is against the corrupted Luna and every vampire that expects the one of the blue moon to harm them

he saves vampires as a promise to get 'revenge' on his mother, the vampire that showed him kindness, the corrupted vampire that killed his little brother. revenge against the humans that thought him weak. revenge on his abusers. revenge on the chasseurs that taught him hatred. revenge on the version of himself that hates humans and vampire alike.

this promise was the last thing they told the vampire before he killed them

had luna still retained sanity after making Vanitas a part of the blue moon clan, she would've been so very proud of him in that moment

the revenge that Vanitas wants in return for being the antagonist of everyone is to finally be reunited with his family. he hopes that his first true close friend, Noe, can grant him that act of kindness.

saw someone say promises of death is his love language and they're absolutely right

Hope you all enjoy this!