Found

Thinking about pack alpha HC whose territory is so far north, hardly any other packs visit or travel to it because the weather is unnaturally unbearable. Then, during one of the coldest nights of winter, a wolf and a pup wind up at the border, passed out from exhaustion. Neither of them bears a pack scent.

They are rogues.

It’s incredibly uncommon for rogues to venture into Crimson Moon territory, partially because it’s not easy to find within a massive forest and partially because HC’s reputation isn’t very forthcoming. The wolves who are granted permission to stay in the pack usually have important skills to contribute to help make it through the winter. Yet, despite his strict and distant demeanor, HC is fully dedicated to leading and taking care of his pack. 

Upon seeing the way the pup is nestled protectively under the adult wolf’s body, HX–the leader of the patrol squad–decides to shelter them for the night. He also provides warm soup and washing supplies for the weak rogues. The adult beta bows nonstop in gratitude before tending to his pup with unbridled affection. HX’s heart is somewhat more at peace, though he dreads having to ask HC what to do with them the next day.

***

XL has only heard of the Crimson Moon pack among hushed whispers in random caverns. Traveling for the past few years has not been easy, especially with a young wolf like Banyue. But when he had found her on the brink of starvation in a ditch on the side of the road, XL had promised to keep her safe above all things.

Now, XL carries the burden of his past along with the responsibility of raising BY. But he wouldn’t want it any other way. Thus, when XL finds him and his pup welcomed into the Crimson Moon pack by the courteous head alpha, XL gratefully prays to the heavens for letting him see another day.

Months pass. XL and BY live a much more comfortable life with guaranteed food, a heated home, and plenty of healthy social interaction. Additionally, they are never deprived of HC’s attention, the head alpha always making time to see them. 

XL doesn’t dare let himself hope for permanence. He’s faced so much rejection, disappointment, and betrayal in the past. With the “we will stay until winter passes” mentality, XL is prepared to leave, not wanting to overstep boundaries with HC.

The bond between a child and a single parent is extremely special. It can be complicated to make room for a third relationship with another parental figure. With HC, however, it’s almost too simple.

HC naturally treats both XL and BY as respected and autonomous individuals. He knows they don’t require his presence to function, but that doesn’t stop the alpha from offering his assistance whenever needed. Or wanted. With no further expectations besides...companionship. 

Before, XL never could have predicted how attached BY would be to HC, and vice versa. But given what he knows now, he shouldn’t be surprised. HC is undoubtedly a wonderful alpha. Oh, how XL wants, and wants, and wants...

***

HC doesn’t know what it is about this particular beta and his pup. For the first time since adhering to his father’s harsh mental and physical conditioning, HC can’t seem to control his wolf’s instincts.

Every time he sees XL and BY rolling around in the snow or sharing a meal happily, the head alpha’s heart positively melts. During his pack leader duties, HC will find himself thinking about how XL and BY are–if they’re safe, if they’re enjoying themselves, if they have everything they need.

It’s as if they add a completely new purpose to HC’s life. He must protecc.

It happens when they’re all in their wolf forms playing a light-hearted game of tag. It’s getting late, just about BY’s bedtime. XL delicately picks her up by her nape and carries her over to HC. XL plops his tiny pup in front of HC expectantly, eyes gleaming with an ample amount of trust. 

HC, realizing how significant this action is, doesn’t hesitate to nuzzle BY’s head, softly scenting her. Then, he picks her up himself and heads towards the cabin where XL and BY stay. 

XL had given HC the first of many opportunities to take care of BY as his own, starting by coddling her and putting her to bed. HC feels like the luckiest person in the world. 

Once spring arrives, HC finds himself visiting XL and BY’s cabin for dinner for what seems like the hundredth time. All three of them sit in front of the fireplace. XL and BY are both snuggled up against both sides of HC. BY eventually crawls into HC’s lap, falling into a peaceful sleep.

XL himself is drifting off against HC’s shoulder. Sluggishly, XL mumbles something along the lines about how he’ll never be able to repay HC for everything he’s done for them. HC strokes XL’s hair while murmuring delicately: “You can stay with me. That is enough.”

XL gently squeezes HC’s hand. 

***

Because XL spent so many years in survival mode, his omega went into hibernation. Nearly a year into his and BY’s stay in Crimson Moon pack, XL gains his scent back. His senses also sharpen once his wolf realizes he is safe from the dangerous encounters with other wolves and mother nature’s unforgiving conditions.

XL suddenly craves physical affection from HC. Though he’s a bit unsure of how to ask for it since it’s been so long since he’s been truly hugged (before HC), much less being scented. But HC completely understands, sometimes without XL even having to tell him. The alpha makes sure XL sees the best healer in the pack to track his progress and stays by XL’s side in support of his recovery process.

XL also gains his heat back–an overwhelming development. Thankfully, HC resolutely supports him from the side, committed to prioritizing XL’s needs and comfort. HC is more than happy to provide the best cuddles and kisses for his mate.

It gives baby BY a scare when her baba, along with HC, is absent for a few days. While she is too young to fully understand heat cycles and such, XL makes sure to emphasize that he was having adult troubles and HC helped him through everything. 

Later, BY rewards HC with ferocious leg hugs and smol wolf tackles. HC makes sure to fall down onto his back to let BY climb on top and wiggle in triumph. 

***

One time, when XL fell asleep against HC, he was having a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from. HC didn’t know what to do! XL was violently shaking in his arms, whimpering and crying with no way of calming himself down. Thus, HC, on a whim, decided to gather XL up and press him into an embrace, humming a low tune while a deep rumbling instinctively sounds in his chest. 

HC has never purred before. This was his first time.

(XL, feeling anxious all day. When HC returns home, he’ll latch onto HC while nosing his neck.

XL: “Do the thing.”

HC: *purrs happily*

XL: 😇)

***

BY, an ever-so-observant pup, practices what she’s learned from the bestest, smartest, and funniest father. She yips for HC to come over when they are in their wolf forms. She curiously noses at the snow, then glances up at the alpha with puppy eyes. HC indulges her, of course, leaning down to inspect the empty spot-?

Splat!

BY wickedly flicks snow up with her paw onto HC’s snout before bounding away. HC shakes his head in surprise, freezing snow currently lodged up his nose.

HC whirls around to capture his tiny culprit. He’s met with the sight of BY crouching behind XL, gnawing harmlessly at his tail. HC huffs, approaching defeatedly while BY, the little brat, merely sticks out her tongue. HC lays down beside XL, bumping cheeks with the omega and wrapping his tail protectively around their pup.

The Fall of King Romulus Part 8

Summary: Twin Princes Remus and Romulus are cursed at birth with Honesty and Obedience. When Romulus, who cannot disobey any order, is told to kill his brother the next time he lays eyes on him, he changes his name to Roman and runs away. Roman joins up with a misfit group of adventures and plans to never return to his homeland. But the fae have other plans for him…

Warnings (for whole fic not necessarily individual chapters): Violence, mind whammying/memory altering, curse of obedience related consent issues, references to sex, references to war related injuries/PTSD, references to child abuse/neglect (YMMV on that one but just in case), antagonstic-but-not-exactly villian!Janus, Extremly-moraly-dubious-but-not-exacty-unsympathetic-Remus

Feedback appreciated.

NOW ON AO3 :D

Prologue Chapter 1   Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7

“From today, you shall have your own rooms.”

“But why?” Remus wails “it’s not fair!” Remus looks up at him, his small faced scrunched and red, tears threatening to fall, “Why aren’t you saying anything?”

“I-“ Roman frowns. He feels too big. Shouldn’t he be the same size as Remus?

“You’re the future king, Remus” their father rumbles, “Your training needs to begin - without distractions.”

“Don’t cry.” Their mother tells him as Remus’ tantrum echoes through the room. She runs a cool hand over Roman’s forehead soothingly.

“I wasn’t.” Roman murmurs.

His mother’s hand turns cruel, pushing his head back, another hand gripping his chin.

“You need to drink, c’mon Roman drink this down for me, please?”

Roman chokes, twisting away. Hot liquid scalds his throat and drips down his chin. There’s a hand in his hair again, stroking gently until it grips tight, forcing his head back “He doesn’t look much like the Prince.” Marcus grunts.

“The mad Prince – Remus of Notaleveale!”

“But.” Roman whimpers, “that’s not-“

“Is he awake?”

“Your father is sick.” Julius tells him. The practice room is high in the north tower, always just too cool to be comfortable, but Roman feels hot. For some reason, water is rushing down the walls. Droplets splash onto his skin and sizzle where they land.

“We’re going to find a way to fix this my Prince, I promise.” Julius smiles at him, his eyes kind and unlined by age.

“What if you can’t.” Romulus whispers, voice breaking. He is the right size now he thinks. He had to tilt his head to look up at Julius who hesitantly pulls him close, letting the boy muffle his dry sobs on his shoulder.

“Then…we will find a way to help you live with it – and I’ll always be here to help you.”

He pulls back to smile at him again, but it’s not kind anymore. The skin flaking away reveals the rictus grin of the skull beneath, and Roman howls, trying to twist away whilst large hands hold him down -

“It’s okay! Roman, it’s okay!”

- he feels something cool on his eyelids, a strong scent of mint mingling with the rot of Julius body-

“Sleep.” a voice murmurs.

When Roman wakes, it’s somewhere he doesn’t recognise. Scratchy sheets pin him down to a bed as effectively as chains. A pale man with violet eyes is pulling at his arm, his arm which hurts. Roman whines, trying to tug the limb out of the pale man’s grip, but his body feels too heavy to obey.

The pale man is trying to talk to him but nothing he says makes sense to Romulus, it’s like listening to a foreign language.

“<My dad’s dead.>” he tells the pale man, because that seems important.

“Roman? Are you awake?”

There’s a hand on his forehead, the voice is saying something about water but Roman ignores it, trying to chase the thought.

If their father was dead, then why was he still Prince Remus?

The next time Roman woke up it was dark. The pale man had disappeared, but there was another figure lying in the bed next to him. The man’s bulk caused the mattress to dip towards him and his snores were so loud they made the whole bedframe vibrate with each exhale.

Turning his head carefully, Roman found himself looking at a face full of scars and freckles. A pale shaft of moonlight from the open window illuminated the man’s ripped ear and a nose that had obviously been broken at some point in the past. Even in sleep, he looked fearsome.

‘Patton’ Roman’s tired mind supplied, and he felt a relieved smile twitch over his face. It pulled at the cut Niki left him, making him bite back a whimper of pain.

He let his head fall back against the pillow. Everything felt heavy, even the air. The room seemed to melt at the edges. But if Patton was sleeping then they must be somewhere safe.

He dozed for a time, listening to the comforting rumble of Patton’s snores, until a withered pair of hands reached for him. The lady of the house began to gently wipe the sweat from his face with a cool cloth.

“<Am I dying>?” he asked her in their own language.

“<You can try.>” She told him dryly, “<Those three will probably end up chasing you down to the underworld too.>”

The lady brought some extra cushions and stacked them behind him, helping him to sit up. From his new vantage point he could see Logan on the floor, one giant book open on his lap and three more stacked beside him. He looked like he had fallen asleep mid study session, his head tilted back against the wall with a thin string of drool hanging from his open mouth.

Roman thought of the last time he had seen him, pinned to Lucius' chest, his eyes wide and frightened behind his glasses, and had to close his eyes. He breathed deeply through his nose until his panic subsided and glanced at Logan again.

He was so relieved to see him whole that might even forgo teasing him about the drool.

The lady brought him a pewter mug filled with something warm that smelt pleasantly of honey and helped him to lift it to his lips when his hands began to shake.

“<When I invited you for tea, this isn’t what I pictured.>” she teased him with a smile.

Roman didn’t smile back, eyes still roaming the room.

“<Where->“

“<Your elf is fine>” she told him, sounding amused “<I sent him on an errand. He would have worn a hole in my best rug if he stood here pacing much longer.>”

Roman did smile then, grip loosening on the mug which she deftly caught before it hit the blankets.

“<I lost my brother.>” he told her, eyes growing heavy again.

“<That was careless of you.>” she said, “<What are you going to do about it?>”

Roman didn’t answer, falling back asleep with the honey still coating his tongue.

The next time Roman woke up, daylight was streaming trough the open window and the last tendrils of fever seemed to have left him. Whilst he still felt tired, the unnatural heaviness was less and his mind was clear.

Unfortunately, his clear mind immediately occupied itself by cataloguing every single way his body was in pain.

His cheek throbbed, the small cut from Niki having been split wider by the force of the hit from Julius’s walking stick. His back and shoulders we’re equally bruised, and protested every tiny movement he made as he tried to resettle himself against the pillows. By far the worst was his hand, which felt like it was still burning.

Choking down any whimpers of pain he focused instead on the strange pressure on his chest.

Opening his eyes revealed the culprit. A grey cat with snow white paws was sitting primly on his sternum. Mittens looked deeply put out by Roman’s attempt to get comfortable and gave him an unsatisfied meow of protest when he continued to move.

“Good morning” Roman whispered, giving him a conciliatory head rub with his good hand, “Did you happen to count how many horses ran me over?”

“Roman!” The bard looked beyond Mittens to see Patton perched on the end of the bed, beaming so wide it almost distracted from the redness of his nose.

“You’re -ah-achoo – you’re awake!”

“Yeah.” He smiled, attempting to rearrange the pillows one handed. “Hey Pat’.”

“Guys!” Patton called, “Ro – achoo – Ro -acHOO – he’s awake!”

There was a thundering of footsteps on stairs and then Virgil all but exploded into the room, eyes wide “How awake is he? – does he recognise you? Patton I told you to put the damm cat outside!”

“Aww but it’s his hou -ah -ah -house,” Patton pouted.

“He recognises you.” Roman added, giving Virgil a half-hearted wave “Also his voice works.”

“Shame.” Virgil snarked but the grin on his face was too wide to hide his relief.

“You. Go bother the pigeons’” he shooed the cat as he came to sit on the edge of Romans bed. Mittens gave him a pointed meow before slinking out of the room, pausing only to rub against Logan’s ankles as it passed him in the doorway.

“How’s your head?” Virgil asked - he reached over to a small beside table and picked up a glass of water, holding it up for Roman to sip.

“Fine.” Roman whispered hoarsely, taking the water from him and drinking greedily.

“What about your hand?” Patton asked, kneeling on his other side, “I’ll ask Mama Tay to brew you some more willow tea, for the pain.”

“Great.”- Roman handed the glass back to Virgil shrank against the pillows as they both peered at him – “but I’m fine, honestly don’t worry yourselves-“

“Fine?” Virgil rolled his eyes, “You look like you went three rounds with a centaur and lost. Badly.”

“Okay, well, that’s rude.” Roman rolled his eyes right back, lifting one arm to try and bat Virgil’s hands away as they reached for him “Get off, Virge I’m fi-“

“Roman.” Logan was the only one who hadn’t come forward to paw at him. He stood in the doorway, most of his face obscured by the shadow. “Let Virgil check your injuries.”

Roman sighed, the fight going out of him. Obediently, he dropped his arms and tilted his head towards the half-elf.

“Oh sure,” Virgil murmured, running skilful fingers over the cut on Romans cheek and the surrounding swelling “you’ll listen when Logan tells you.”

“It’s the glasses,” Roman joked, his voice tired, “gives him authority.”

Once Virgil had finished his inspection of Roman’s face, he insisted at poking and prodding at every inch of him see how his other injuries were healing. Roman sighed but put up with his fussing with as much grace as he could. Virgil removed the bandages on his hand, packing fresh herbs next to the skin and rewrapping it gently with new cloth. The bruises and welts on his back and shoulders had begun to heal, turning from purple and blue to a sickly looking yellow. Virgil smeared something that smelt horrendous on the few welts that hadn’t scabbed over before stepping back, declaring the injuries extensive but, for the most part, superficial.

“Like your lyrics.” he added slyly, which got a squawk of protest from Roman and a giggle from Patton.

His hand was the most concerning. Virgil had him gently flex his fingers -causing Roman to hiss with pain despite his best efforts – before helping him into a sling and giving him strict instructions to hold it still until the herbs had done their work.

As Virgil worked, Patton kept up a running dialogue; happily filling Roman in on the day to day running’s of Mama Tay’s house. How she’d let him use her kitchen to cook for all of them and let Logan take over her small library (although the scholar was still only permitted to call her Mother Octavia). He giggled his way through a story about Mittens’ on going attempt to court the tabby cat who lived across the street – apparently he had attempted to show off by taking on street rat twice his size and spent the rest of the day sulking in the pantry after being summarily chased off.

Between Virgil’s gentle ministrations and the soothing sound of Patton’s voice, Roman found himself slowly relaxing.

Remus wasn’t in the city. His friends had come for him. They’d beaten the bad guy and got away.

He knew he couldn’t just ignore everything that had happened. His friends were eventually going to want some sort of explanation. The thing that had worn Julius face had been able to find him once – he didn’t know how, or how to stop I happening again.

Most importantly, he was no longer sure that Remus was safe.

But for a little while at least, he was with his family. He was safe. Things could start to go back to normal.

“Roman.” Logan said. He was leaning back against the closed door, a look on his face Roman couldn’t quite decipher. “Stand up.”

“Slowly,” Virgil added as Roman rose to his feet. The healer cast a glance back at Logan, confused, “what’re you-“

“Roman.” Logan cut him off. “Stand on one foot.”

Romans whole world seemed to narrow down to the glint of light reflecting off Logan’s glasses.

The rush of blood in his ears sounded very much like the rush of water in the pipe room.

Julius looked at him coldly, ready to categorise each whimper of pain as his leg began to shake, muscles cramping -

Patton’s hand suddenly griped his elbow as he wobbled, breaking the illusion.

Mama Tay’s bedroom was far more cluttered with blankets and knickknacks than Julius practice room. Logan was the one in front of him – face full of gleeful satisfaction as his theory was confirmed.

“I’m right aren’t I.” he breathed, looking dazed – “You can’t diso-“

Remove yourself from anyone who might ask you about your curse. Put as much distance between you as you can.

Roman attempted to fling himself towards the door- immediately realised that this was a bad decision as he still only had one foot on the ground – and pitched forward towards the floor, free arm pinwheeling crazily.

Patton dived to catch him, one big hand grabbing his injured shoulder casing Roman to yell out in pain, which in turn caused Patton to instinctively release him. He found himself falling again, this time crashing into Virgil, who had come running to help. His injured arm exploded in pain as he fell against the other man’s chest.

“Roman! What the hell- Logan?”

“I’m sorry!” Logan’s delight at being proved right had quickly turned into alarm “Stand properly – I mean, stand however you think you should. Um-“

“Roman are you okay?” That was Patton, gently easing him off Virgil “Oh gosh I think you’ve opened your stitches again!”

Roman groaned.

A few moments later Roman was, once again, propped up on the bed. Patton sat next to him, holding his good hand loosely whilst Virgil smeared more of the horrifying smelling salve over the reopened cut on his cheek.

Logan, hands firmly clasped in front of him like a guilty school boy, was filling them in on what he thought he knew.

“Roman cannot disobey a direct order – when Lucius Amata met us on the stairs he was able to compel him not to move.”

“Who?”

“The Marquis of Orenlla!” Logan huffed, exasperated – “The kidnapper!”

“De.” Roman muttered.

“What?”

“Marquis de Orenlla.”

“Hmm,” rather than start an argument of etymology, Logan simply pulled a square slip of card from his waistcoat pocket and started crossing something out with his quill.

“Seriously?” Virgil asked, exasperated “Flashcards?” He twisted the lid back onto the salve pot with rather more force than was necessary “Logan, you didn’t even believe in magic until yesterday and now you’re saying – what exactly are you saying?”

He glanced at Roman, almost fearfully ‘That he’s -that he’s under a spell or cursed or- what?”

“Roman,” Patton’s voice was gentle. “Is that true?”

Roman met his eyes. Patton’s face was as kind as ever. For now.

Never tell anyone about your curse.

But they’d never set rules stopping him discussing what people already knew.

Even so, he braced himself for pain before he nodded.

Patton looked like he might cry.

“So –what?” Demanded Virgil, who had started pacing back and forth down the short length of the bed. “He did that? This Lucius guy?”

“How do we stop it? Do we….kill him?”

“Patton!”

“Well I don’t know!”

“It wasn’t Lucius.” Roman muttered.

He risked a glance at Virgil who was nodding fervently, shaking both hands out in front of himself as he tried to process everything, “No. He – you had it before right? That’s how he was able to get you to go with him.”

Slowly, Roman nodded.

“Was it before we got to the city?” Logan asked. He hadn’t moved from his spot by the door, a thoughtful frown on his face as he gently rotated the flashcards in his hands.

“The forest!” Vigil yelped before Roman had a chance to respond. “When you disappeared right? I knew you were out of it that night! That’s when it happened?”

“Oh, Roman.” Patton gasped, “You poor thing. Has this has been going on for days?”

Roman couldn’t help it; he started to laugh. Drawing his knees to his chest he hunched over them, his shoulders shaking. “No.” he managed to gasp out. “No, not the forest.”

“So…when did it happen?” Patton asked uncertainty. Roman could easily picture the three of them glancing at each other, trying to put the pieces together. He kept his eyes firmly on his knees. He didn’t want to see the moment of realisation.

“Before the forest?” Virgil asked hesitantly. Roman nodded without looking up.

“When I met you…” Virgil continued after a moments silence, “you wouldn’t come back into the tavern with me – you said you didn’t want the innkeeper to tell you to play another night.”

“I remember that.” Logan said “You met us on the road. I thought that was odd at the time. I assumed you were going to lie in wait to rob us.”

Roman could hear the understanding seeping into their voices. He’d been cursed since they met him. He’d been a liability since they met him – they’d hired someone to protect them who could be ordered to throw his sword down by any foe who happened to try. They were going to feel so betrayed. They were going to be so angry with him.

How could he have not told them?

“Oh, Roman – how could we have not noticed?”

Romans head shot up. “What?” he croaked.

Now Patton really did look like he was going to cry, his eyes suspiciously watery. “You’ve been dealing with this all by yourself for – for years?”

“So- “ now Virgil was the one shaking – “So any time I’ve told you to ‘shut up’ you-“

“If you don’t give a timeframe it doesn’t matter much.” Roman blurted quickly, wanting to remove the look of horror from Virgil’s face – “I mean when I was younger it maybe would have but, but I’ve learned work around it so –“

“Younger?” his rambling did not seem to be soothing Virgil’s panic. “How young?”

“Er. Well.” He glanced between the two of them “From when I was a baby. I mean, I don’t remember not being like this.” Patton and Virgil were staring at him with identical slack jawed expressions. Roman wished the bed would swallow him up and spit him out onto he street. “But hey – I was apparently a very agreeable baby – stopped crying so soon as you asked!” he grinned awkwardly, give them a thumbs up with his undamaged hand.

They did not look reassured.

“So, have we ever –“ Patton started,”-have we ever made you do something you didn’t want to-“

“NO! No, Pat - you’re always so polite and if, if it’s not an order it doesn’t count so-“

“I’m not polite.” Virgil muttered.

“You don’t order though.” Roman said quickly, “You’re too-“ he tried to find a nice way to say ‘too riddled with anxiety to give directives’ – “awkward.” he finished sheepishly.

Virgil bristled. “I told you to get lost.” He snarled. “In the forest.”

There was a silence. Roman found himself staring at his knees again and forced his head up to meet Vigils gaze.

“Well. That was unfortunate. But it was fine – you’re both good trackers, you found me easily enough so-“

“But what if we hadn’t!?” Virgil all but yelled, “What if you’d just been lost in the woods till you starved to death or-“

“Virgil.” Patton soothed, “Calm down, he’s fine.”

“He’s not! He’s not safe with us! How many times have we done something to, to-”

“It’s fine.” Roman announced calmly, cutting Virgil off before he could work himself up any further. “You don’t have to worry anymore.”

“What doe that mean?”

“It means – I won’t travel with you anymore. You don’t have to worry about protecting me I’ll just-“

“That’s not what I meant!”

“Roman no!”

“Are you going to order me to stay?” He snapped.

That shut everyone up.

He glared at the pair of them. “Well?”

“No.” Patton said calmly “Of course not. It’s just that-”

“What happens if you disobey an order?” Logan interrupted, causing the other three to jump.

The scholar had been standing so still, gazing off into the distance whilst the argument went on around him, that Roman had almost forgotten he was there.

“I cant.” He answered eventually, trying not to feel resentful of Logan for causing this whole mess.

“But what if you try?” Logan said, “If I told you to raise your hand and you tried to keep it down – “

“It would hurt.” Roman gritted out.

“Hurt how? Can you describe it?” Logan tucked his flashcards away and pulled out a notebook, quill at the ready. Roman gaped at him.

“Logan.” Patton interrupted, “I think maybe Roman needs a break from questions right now-“

“But if we don’t know the parameters of his condition then how are we supposed to fix it?” Logan argued.

“I’ve tried. To fix it.” Roman growled out.

“But you were by yourself before.” Logan said dismissively “Now you have me, well, all of us, working on the problem. I’m sure we will be able to –“

“I wasn’t by myself.” Roman said coldly.

Logan really did remind him of Julius sometimes. They had the same stubborn determination to get the answers they were seeking. But Roman was not going to be anyone’s pet experiment again.

“I am Prince Romulus of Notaleveale.” he announced grandly, as If he was reclining on a throne instead of uncomfortable bed. “I have had the finest minds of the fae and human worlds look into my curse, I hardly think a failed apprentice and a couple of backwater deserters are going to have more success.”

He swept an imperious gaze over all three of them, amused to find they had finally been shocked into silence.

“I will be returning to my kingdom. Your services will no longer be required.”

Part 9

Letters to Papa: A Christmas Countdown

A gift for my wonderful friend @flaredarkstorm . Please check out his writing blog as well ~! @flaredarkstormwrites

Trigger Warnings: Things got surprisingly serious near the end, hints of a dysfunctional family, themes of emotional abuse (Just in one letter) Please read at your own risk

December 1st

A pristine envelope would be found in Flare’s mailbox. The material resembles the first snowfall, soft to the touch and pure. Other than the haphazardly written message upon the page. Perhaps we can call them the branches that decorate the snow. 

Papa! Father! Papi! Dad!

Tis I Francine or more commonly known as Fern. How are you with the holidays approaching?

I personally find it quite stressful. So, I hope that yours is going much more smoothly.

This might be weird to ask but what are your preferred dad-nouns? Do you like the cutesy and casual ‘papa’ or maybe the more formal ‘father’ is to your tastes? Knowing you though, I bet you’d go with papa, you softy.

Aha!

I almost forgot. You’re probably wondering why this is labeled December 1st. This isn’t just any ol’ Christmas letter. This year I’m gonna try to write to you daily! Doesn't that seem fun?

I hope you enjoy these letters as much as I enjoyed writing them.

Xoxo

Fern

December 2nd

This letter is much different from the first. It’s in tatters and something or someone has clearly taken a bite out of it. Luckily, it still seems eligible enough to read. If you look closely at the bottom. It seems the culprit signed their handy work with an inky paw.

The second day of December has arrived!

Have you prepared anything yet? Honestly, I still haven’t put my Christmas tree up. Too busy thinking about how to get the cats not to destroy it. (Plastic bags around the base perhaps?)

(Do dragons celebrate Christmas? If so, how? If not. Are there any holidays in December for you?)

Love 🐾

December 3rd

AhHhhHhhhHhhHhhHhHhhHHh!

I’m so sorry for how the last letter turned out. I wanted to write more but then Sunshine decided he wanted to ‘help’.

Hopefully you can still read it despite the bite marks and drool.

To make up for it. Sunshine’s inky paw print also signed the letter. Cute right?

Once again, I have to cut this letter short. Christmas shopping and such must be done. Take care!

Love  Fern

December 4th

I’m feeling a bit nostalgic because of the snow. Does that happen to you too, Flare?.

The white snow is a beautiful clean slate and I feel like it can take everything back, you know? Turn back the clock but instead of grains of sand. It's snowflakes. That sounds really pretty.

Pushing sad girl hours aside! Let’s move onto a happy memory!

One of my favourite dates happened in December! I remember playing with those spinning doors and being stared at by strangers. Some judging us harshly, while others looked like they were remicsing. He took me to a fancy restaurant. We both fumbled a bit because our glasses fogged up once we got inside. It was just a wonderfully cozy time.

Do you have any cherished memories for this month? I have that one and then a handful I wish to bury in the snow. Maybe those hardships will grow into breathtaking flowers. One can hope ~!

Love Fern

December 5th

Did you know I never built my first snowman until I was a teenager? It’s because I wasn’t allowed outside when I was younger. Well, I could go outside but it was under strict supervision and I wasn’t allowed to do much. I made many snow angels though.

I hope that you’re having a happy holiday Flare. It’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. Yet it can easily become the loneliest

Take care ~! With Love Fern. 

December 6th 

Did you know some fish have knees?! I know it’s not Christmas related but I just watched a documentary about the ocean and then they threw that guy at me! I got so excited!! So, I’m counting it as a Christmas miracle and you can’t stop me. A certain fish has knees and I love him.

Speaking of animals. I bought gifts for all the pets! I’m quite glad they can’t read. Otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this.

Sunshine is toy based. Reindeer, Christmas trees, gingerbread men, Santa hats. I’m pretty sure he’ll now own every Christmas shaped toy there is. Plus a few treat puzzles but I have a feeling Cinder would be using those more.

Speaking of the one and only Cinder. The pupper gets a new bed since he has worn out his old one and honestly who doesn’t want a new bed for the new year? He also gets many, many treats. That he’ll be sharing with his brother.

Faith and Duke get catnip and clothes,

A pretty pink bow for Faith and Duke gets a white suit to contrast his black fur. I bet he’ll be quite the looker in it.

Welp, that’s all from me today. Take care!!

December 7th

I think they know about their presents. ESPECIALLY THE TREATS!

It’s quite hard to hide presents when they can’t nest under a tree. So, right now I have gifts high up on the shelves and sometimes the cats (read Faith) would drop one near me to open it. She’ll let out a loud yowl, while keeping eye contact with me. She wants the gifts dad. Even if they aren’t for her. Send help and maybe a spray bottle.

From  A Worried Fern

December 8th

The treats are now hidden in my closet. The only way the four can get to them now is if they figure out how to pull my closet open. I’m happy to report I’ve been given the stink eye by Faith. So, I firmly believe that the presents will be safe until Christmas.

This is the end of my report for today.

Love From Fern

December 9th

What do you think of the letters so far? I know most of them are short and sweet but I’m also afraid to bore you with words. Then again, I’m not sure if I have enough words for 25 days. I doubt I even have that many stories to tell. ;w;

Well, my own personal experiences. If it’s just stories in general. I can go on for years!

Which reminds me!

Have you heard of the Japanese legend of a crane falling in love with a human? It’s a beautifully tragic tale that begins in the winter! I believe there’s even a song about it called ‘Seasonal Feathers’. I would suggest giving it a listen but I know that type of music isn’t your cup of tea.

The story goes that a farmer saves a crane from a snare trap. Grateful for the farmer's kindness the crane made a wish to become human and approached the male as a lost traveller in the snow. Of course, the man took the ‘human’ in and then they started to live together.

Everyday the crane would sing songs and help around the estate. It was a simple life with little luxuries but they had each other.

One day the farmer became terribly ill and the couple couldn’t pay for the medicine he needed. Still wanting to repay the human. The crane ended up plucking her own feathers to create fabric to sell. She plucked and plucked until she couldn’t fly anymore.

In the end the farmer died of his illness and the crane told him the truth that she wasn’t human. Turns out that he knew all along and would’ve loved her no matter what form she took. 

That’s the simple gist of the story and it’s one I hold close to my heart. I’d like to think that I’d do whatever I can for someone I love as well. I only ask that they’ll love me back.

Flare, what story do you hold close to your heart?

December 10th

Looking into the mailbox today was followed by another surprise. Not only did a letter make home to the metal case but a bag of cookies rested there as well. 

Are you a cookie or cake person?

I personally love both but I feel like it’s easier to get away with eating more cookies. Please don’t question my logic. That’s simply what my brain tells me. A batch of cookies is less than one cake. I mean, that makes sense right?

What’s your favourite type of cookie? I love lemon cookies! I also prefer if the cookies are soft and doughy, compared to the crunchy bois. Not knowing what you like. There are 5 of each in the bag I put! I hope you enjoy them

Love 

Fern

December 11th

Have you heard of Frosty the Snowman? For some reason today. I can’t get the image of him angrily going up to people with a huff saying “Well. How would you like it if I called you Fern the Flesh Sack? Doesn’t feel nice now doesn’t it?”

It’s an odd image but an image nonetheless. Please do with it as you please.

Love

Fern

P.S

I regret none of my thoughts. Most of the time.

December 12th

We’re almost halfway through December and the tree still isn’t up. I know it isn’t a necessity but it’s nice to have around.

I just love it when all the lights are off and all that’s illuminating the house is the Christmas Tree. It gives a soft comforting glow and playing piano music or music box songs just make the feeling more magical. I can’t help but feel safe in those moments. It’s just me, my pets and the lights. All being lulled into the night by music.

Now that is something I suggest you try at least once this month.

I love you papa and take care.

Love Fern

December 13th

Christmas tree is up! I repeat!!! CHRISTMAS TREE IS UP! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!

AHhHHhhhHHhH Flare, it’s so pretty my heart is happy but also so close to having a heart attack. The cats are watching it closely as well and I can see their tails swaying as they prepare to pounce. DON’T THINK I DON’T SEE YOU TWO!!

Well, Faith. Faith is the little shit that wants to take the tree down. Duke is a good boy who is watching Faith closely for me when my eyes aren’t on her. God bless his soul.

How long does it usually take for you to set up the tree if you have one?

December 14th

I’m happy to report that the spray bottle worked. It wasn’t just any spray bottle though. This one was filled with lemon and vinegar. So, Faith doesn’t try to bite or lick the tree anymore! Now she just wants to destroy it…

Luckily I can distract her with treats! Though I have a feeling her attacking the tree is just her way of bargaining for more food. I really hate that she caught onto the pattern of if I threaten the tree I get food to satisfy me. Food is all I require.

Have you ever had a rowdy pet?

Love  Fern

December 15th

Dumb idea time!!!

Though I’m gonna start it tomorrow. I wonder how it’ll go.

We’re about halfway through the month now. How are you?

Is the weather treating you well? I just love watching the snowfall. Shoveling it can be quite a pain but it’s all worth it in the end.

I’m thinking about making igloos for the pets. What do you think? I know Cinder and Sunshine will love them but the cats… I think they’d rather watch from the window. I don’t blame them though. Hmm… What do you think they see most of the time?

Love Fern

December 16th

Hehe ~

December 17th

Have you been naughty or nice this year?

December 18th

For some reason two envelopes could be found in the letterbox. One was black as coal and the other white as snow. The black envelope was labeled Naughy with red ink. While the white one was labeled Nice with light blue ink. Which do you open?

If you opened the Nice Envelope

DOOT DO DOOOOO!!!!!

I knew you were on the nice list! I personally asked Santa myself to put you there, you know. No need to thank me. Your existence is thanks enough.

But all jokes aside…

If there was a person who can judge everyone in the world. I wouldn’t care whether or not you were on the nice list or not.

You took me when I felt I had no family and that means the world to me. I never thought I was lonely until I met you. Personally I thought my pets would’ve been enough but hearing someone else’s voice is different. Thank you for teaching me that feeling Flare. I don’t know how I could ever repay you.

If you opened the Naughty Envelope

YOU OPENED THE WRONG ONE YOU DINGUS!

Now please recycle this letter and open the nice one.

December 19th

It’s so close until Christmas! We survived!!!

Ehe ~!

What did you think of the previous letters? I wanted to switch things up a bit. So, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Speaking of Christmas though. Shall we celebrate it together this year? I would love to welcome you home and I’m sure the pets would love your company as well.

Love Fern

December 20th

There’s only five days and I’m finally running out of things to say. How long did you think I could keep this up? Honestly, the second Sunshine tried to eat the second letter. I thought about giving up there but that’s not Christmas like! So, here I am!!

HAHA!!!

I usually start or end things with a question. So, here it goes ~!

Do you think Christmas should be for lovers or family?

I feel like more people focus on love nowadays or maybe that’s just my single eyes talking. There’s nothing wrong with celebrating with your lover. I just simply dislike it when people want to throw you a pity party if you’re single 

…

Though, when I was younger. Christmas wasn’t really about family either. It was about dressing up pretty and being put on display. My mother… My mother she’s quite materialistic and gets mad if she doesn't get anything expensive that day. So, it wasn’t unusual for family fights to happen on Christmas. 

I like Christmas the way it is now. Quiet and peaceful.

I hope you enjoy the day as well.

Love Fern

December 21st

I wonder what the ratio is for people who like Christmas and those who don’t.

Usually I’d ask why people would hate Christmas but everybody has their reasons. Whether it’s just not their cup of tea or they're indifferent because they don’t celebrate it. Everybody has a story and sadly I can’t listen to all of them.

Flare, do you have a Christmas wish? If you do. I’ll try my best to make it come true!

December 22nd

I DON’T KNOW IF I’m EXCITED OR NERVOUS!!

AHHHHHHHhHhhHhhHhhHhhHhhHhhHhhHhhHHhhHhHHHh

Alright Fern, calm down.

The fur babies and I have just been snuggled together on the couch these past few days. So, I’d say that I’m doing pretty well. Sometimes a sad Christmas movie would play and I would cry my eyes out but hey! That happens.

I hope you’re doing well papa. Take care.

Love Fern

December 23rd

It’s almost Christmas Eve.

Aside from snuggling on the couch. I’ve actually been sneaking out late at night to watch the stars in my backyard. They’re just so much brighter in the winter and it’s just so breathtaking.

If you haven’t tried it before. I suggest you do. Just lay in the snow and gaze up at the sky. It can make you feel like the only person in the world.

Just talking about it makes me wanna run out and just bury myself in snow. I won’t though. I’m an adult and I shall act like one. (though that doesn’t mean I won’t possibly do it tomorrow)

I hope you’re doing well!

Love Fern

December 24th

Today’s letter was peppered with glitter stickers and filled to the brim with paper snowflakes. Past all the decorations sat the letter. Let’s see what it says!

Papa! Christmas Eve has come!

Did you have fun? Was it worth the wait?

Today is the day all the pets get their Christmas treats. I can already see them eyeing the biscuits in the oven. It’s so cute!! I’ll be sure to send you a picture.

For me, Christmas Eve is when everything happens. We open presents. We say I love you. Stay up. All that good stuff and then the next day we all sleep in and clean up for the new year.

Did you know it’s good luck to wear polka dots on New Year's Eve? It’s said to attract money. The more dots the more coins you’ll earn. Interesting, huh? I don’t personally believe it but having a dress code for myself helps put off the stress of having to look nice. I wonder if drawing dots on my skin would count as good luck…

Anywho!!!

The day is almost here!

Love A Holly Jolly Fern

December  25th

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I hope that this year treated you with kindness and that the following year will be even better!

Thank you for everything you’ve done for me and I can’t wait to see how else your story unfolds.

Flare, you’re an amazing person and you should never forget that. If you ever do. I’ll be sure to find you and give you many hugs to remind you that you’re loved!!

Please take care of yourself and may your days be forever bright!

I won’t be able to help you with everything but I’ll try my best to support you. You don’t have to do everything alone.

Love

Fern

The third in a series of drabbles exploring my Blood Mage!Dorian.

Seasonal/Festive edition with gift-giving and psuedo-ice-skating.

Deathly Courtship

Another restless night spent in a grimy hovel- an especially restless one this time. Dorian was at least thankful his cave was uncharacteristically dry for Ferelden. It would have made the hours of tossing around in his bedding even more insufferable.

He couldn't sleep- painfully alert. Every subtle sound from the wilderness scratched at his insides and the darkness felt not dark enough- agitated by the mildest light.

Whenever he did lose consciousness- or something close- he caught glimpses of the Inquisition camp, as if projected upon his eyelids. He surveyed from above but also lurked its fringes- much closer than he'd dare approach.

The culprit was obvious.

Daylight slivered into his den and Dorian strode outside, unsurprised by what he witnessed.

His shadow was slumped along a rock, boneless-seeming, staring at the Inquisition camp.

  “You've been here all night.” Dorian admonished, flopping to tend the fire. “It kept me awake, you know! And what are you doing lurking around camp? He has his own Spirit, remember?! It might see you!”

It grunted passively, not looking at him.

He rolled his eyes, sparked kindling.

  “You need to learn some patience, is what you need to do.” Leaning back from the flames, Dorian rooted around in his bag. He didn't have anything to really appease his demon but there was salted meat. Not a fantastic breakfast- he was probably still better fed than the refugees.

This time his shadow didn't offer so much as a grunt, intent on watching

Dorian sighed and craned his neck around- below, Lavellan also prepared for the day.

  “There's a way we have to do this, you realise that?” He lectured, cutting meat into chunks. “That's the Southern Chantry down there, or have you forgotten?”

Huffing, Dorian chewed raw flesh and inspected his companion- never moving from it's spot.

  “...If it was up to you,” He considered, shaking his head. “We'd just skulk into his camp one night, sneak into his tent and...”

Trailing off, he furrowed his brow at the creature.

  “Stop that. Stop putting thoughts in my head. We're not doing that.”

His shadow seethed as if in agony, somehow becoming more limp.

  “You're so stupid.” He grumbled, standing. “You saw how he reacted to us. He'll say yes in the moment then be terrified later- as they all are! Because you, my friend...”

He leaned sideways upon the same rock as his demon, frowning at Lavellan and gnashing bloody meat.

  “...come on far too strong.”

It exhaled in dramatic anguish, one with it's perch.

Dorian rolled his eyes again.

  "If I didn't know any better...I'd almost say you're lovesick."

The demon had no comment but it's offense was palpable through their bond. Dorian snickered, continuing to mull over;

  “What we need...is to provide something- a gift, something useful! That's how everyone else slinks into his good graces, no?”

It harrumphed, unconvinced. Dorian ignored this, retrieving his staff.

  “Well we're not doing things your way! You forget we're also betraying the Venatori. They're not going to be happy about that, are they? We're going to need a place in the Inquisition to survive- which we won't get if you can't pace yourself!”

Muttering to himself, Dorian sauntered down the slope, knowing his demon would have no choice but to follow.

  “You're going to have to get used to looking in my mind, too. I can't be talking to myself so bloody much! The Venatori don't care, they just think I'm mad. The Inquisition however, might have something to say about-”

Interrupted by an abrupt crash of bristling fur- a wild wolf. Dorian was tackled and with a snarl, kicked the beast over his head. Positively annoyed, he spun around and crushed its skull with the one upon his staff, spitting-

  “Wolves! Bloody wolves everywhere- I can't even finish a blasted sentence!” He licked red from his weapon without thought. “...Don't the Dalish have some superstitions about wolves? Sort of a whole...guardians of the Beyond, sentinels of death- that sort of thing?”

He blinked towards his shadow- observing neutrally. It shrugged.

  “You know- the Dread Wolf and all that! Fenharel, or whatever!”

It's head tilted, clueless.

  “This is why I make the decisions around here, you know...” Dorian scoffed, peering down at the fallen creature. “In fact...I think I have an idea.”

--

Crisp, morning air welcomed Evallan when he opened his eyes. His room in Haven was warm- intolerably so, for someone acclimatised to sleeping in the cold outdoors. Therefore a window near his bed was always ajar, mountain chill guiding him awake before anyone else.

They'd returned to restock supplies, rest and exchange personnel. Already he craved wilderness- while they traipsed over hills and through caves, it was easy to distract himself.

Suffocating in luxurious sheets, Evallan was acutely aware of how far from home he lay.

He wondered if his brothers were rising for the day- or if they'd become slothful without him to direct. After all, he was the 'Eldest' Lavellan- a title that meant nothing here but that appointed him some vague authority among his people.

Perhaps Villyen- being younger and less focused- would whine to Amrallan for them to sleep in. They might finally climb from their aravel bunks for lunch, then perhaps Amrallan would suggest they adventure somewhere, rather than attend chores...

By this description it was easy to forget Amrallan was actually older than him- Evallan had always been more responsible. He thought of how his brother might handle this 'Herald' predicament, laughing at the idea.

  I will write them again- soon.

For now, he needed to stave off homesickness.

It was too early for serving hands- breakfast wouldn't be prepared yet. That was fine by Evallan- he could only be himself in solitude, and food would do nothing to satiate his cravings.

He craved the freedom of home. Of travelling with his clan, camping in lands too untamed for the shem. Answering to the Creators, and to the wilderness, and nothing else.

This need brought him to the frozen lake, staring wistfully from its edge.

An uncanny sense bothered him- of being observed. This wasn't an unfamiliar feeling- it occurred erratically throughout their time in the Hinterlands. Easily attributed to the Maleficar they'd encountered, he'd become accustomed to dismissing it.

Though he saw no sign of him now- and they were quite a ways from the Hinterlands. Evallan couldn't imagine a purpose in stalking him so far.

  A trick of the mind this time, I think...

He had to confess, a part of him wished otherwise. Evallan found little point of relation between himself and the humans. Therefore, couldn't help but admire a shem mage who lived so wilfully as an outcast. Perhaps he would find common ground with such a man?

On the other hand, Evallan had no guess as to his thoughts. He should be more suspicious. Yet it was difficult not to be sympathetic towards someone who constantly skirted shadows, clearly not wishing to be seen.

Additionally, he tended to discern threats through his Spirit-bond. Lightbringer had voiced no concerns towards the shem's intent, so it was likely not malicious. Evallan trusted her to caution him if that happened to change.

  I see no real sign of him now, in any case...

Indeed the grounds were entirely unpopulated, sky still more dark than light. Glancing around himself to make certain, he then gazed over the ice and considered...

Before hopping from the brittle harbour, skidding upon a smooth surface. He'd been provided heavy, polished boots suitable for a Herald- definitely not meant for this. Evallan wondered if someone would scold him, then reflected how ludicrous it would be if he arrived for breakfast half-drowned.

Deciding to risk these consequences, he slid, kicking feet to gain momentum then straightening, propelled onwards with a giddy laugh. Cool winds lashed at him and he grinned at the wintery invitation, remembering such escapades with his brothers.

Spinning around, he repeated the motion, running until he could simply careen forwards. This time he intended to leap and catch himself- but it had been some time since he'd partaken in something so juvenile. Instead of landing on his feet he met frost on elbows and knees, snorting at his own foolishness. He was lucky the ice held- merely creaking.

Evallan stood and dusted himself off, preparing for another attempt...

Hasty scratches echoed along the ice, gaining his attention. Half-turning, he was assaulted by a pair of large paws and what looked like- veilfire?

His instinct would have been to attack- except the creature wasn't really attacking him. It bounced off and ran a mad circle, panting.

Or at least- it made a sound akin to panting.

Closer examination told him this thing- a wolf- was headless, its neck stitched shut. In place of a skull was a puff of veilfire and it was this that 'panted', billowing with the same cadence as an excited dogs breath.

From what he knew of canine behaviour- which was quite a bit, he was Ferelden- it displayed no aggression. If anything, it was pleased to see him.

  “...Hello, strange friend.” He greeted respectfully, bending to its level. “And where is your master? I do not suppose something as elaborate as you are, comes to be through happy accident.”

The minions 'head' formed a comically large tongue, lolling stupidly.

Evallan rang with mirth.

  “Yes, you are very charming.” He flattered, petting its shoulders. “But that is not what I asked.”

  “Oh, good- he found you!”

A somewhat familiar voice- mostly by the accent. There were not exactly a wealth of Tevinter men among the Inquisition.

Turning, he spied the Maleficar- Dorian Pavus- stood where snow met ice, beaming unreservedly.

Evallan hesitated, voice lost.

Perusing the frozen lake, Dorian inched forward, testing each step. Once confident enough he pushed towards Evallan, in such a way to suggest he'd observed some of the elf's frolicking. There was no time to be embarrassed- the man lost his balance and Evallan instinctively reached out, offering support.

The shem slumped into him with an 'oof', slinging an arm around. Evallan stiffened but allowed it- Dorian was warm, and had a scent like earth and blood. Neither of which he found displeasing.

He grinned upwards, exposing several pairs of sharp teeth;

  “My dear Herald,” Said with exaggerated familiarity. “You left the Hinterlands without saying goodbye- I was absolutely beside myself.”

Evallan blinked at this, not comprehending, awkwardly blushing. He had observed humans to have an odd sense of humour, so attempted to respond in kind.

  “I was...to leave a note on a tree?” He chuckled, tense. “You do not exactly make yourself known.”

  “I do apologise,” Dorian sighed, balancing enough to cling less. “It's not because of you, my Herald- just the company you keep.”

  “They would be suspicious of you, that is true.” He tentatively released the man, seeing him secure on his feet. “But as long as you mean no harm, I would allow none on you.”

The Maleficar roared with laughter, leaving Evallan confused.

  “How awfully noble of you, Herald!”

Slumping to meet his gaze, Evallan still couldn't understand what had amused him.

  “I would assume this is your minion?” He inquired, looking towards the undead wolf- it had been watching in dutiful silence but was quick to roll onto its back, panting again. Chuckling, Evallan crouched to deliver belly-rubs.

  “Do you like it?” Dorian asked, something hopeful in his tone.

Glancing his way, Evallan flashed a smile.

  “Some of the humans would call it unseemly,” He shrugged, continued patting. “But I can tell he is a sweet creature.”

  “He's yours- if you want him.”

Evallan perked a brow, curious.

  “Another method of tracking me, I assume?”

Surprising him- Dorian grinned shamelessly, answering the same way-

  “But of course, my darling Herald, whatever else for?” A laugh rumbled in his chest- it was a pleasing sound. “And to protect you, of course! A loyal companion, who will follow only your order, and be compelled to protect you against any threat.”

Evallan smirked mostly to himself, unfurling but not to his full height- stooping around Dorian's. The creature sat by his heels, leaning into him.

  “Does he have a name?”

  “Fenharel.”

Compelled to splutter in laughter- unable to restrain it- Evallan shook his head.

  “Maker, no! I will not curse the poor beast in such a way.”

Dorian paused, smiling in slow disbelief.

  “So you're going to take him? Did you entirely understand what I just said?”

  “I understood.” He shuffled, somewhat defensive. “But you have saved my people and myself at least once. Therefore, I seem to benefit.”

  “How...pragmatic.” Dorian bore his teeth in another sly grin and Evallan felt incredibly awkward.

Appearing to sense this, the Blood Mage redirected their conversation;

  “So what will you call him, if not Fenharel?”

Evallan regarded the beast for a moment, lowered to stroke its back.

  “Lunis, I think.”

  “Lunis...” Dorian stroked his beard thoughtfully. “That's some...minor Elven god? Something to do with the moon?”

  “Mhm.”

  “Huh...” He tilted his head, feigned a scoff. “Hardly more imposing than 'Fenharel', is it?”

  “If I call him Fenharel-” Evallan choked through mirth. “Any Dalish we encounter will shoot the poor thing on sight!”

  “Well, maybe- but they'll regret it!” Dorian quipped, earning more laughter.

  “Other than to track me...” He questioned- once restraining himself. “Is there a reason you are offering such a generous gift?”

  “Why not?” Dorian shrugged. “From where I'm standing, the Inquisition is the winning horse. I'm just trying to ensure I'm not trampled in the race.”

  “Pragmatic.” He echoed the previous sentiment- then faltered on what to say.

Again catching to his social ineptitude, Dorian bantered;

  “I can't help but notice that sliding around a frozen lake isn't very Herald-like.”

Perhaps he hadn't expected this to fluster him so intensely. Colour burnt his cheeks and a nervous cough erupted from him. Dorian simply observed, smiling in bemusement while Evallan struggled for composure.

  “I, well...” He spewed helplessly for a moment. “I...miss my home, that is all. We tended towards such climates, and would entertain ourselves in foolish ways...”

Dorian nodded, attentive.

  “I have to confess to you, my Herald...it was quite entertaining.” He chortled, teasing and warm. “But I do think I understand.”

  “Yes, of course-” Evallan tried to speak over his unease. “You also find yourself far from home.”

He nodded again but seemed averse to that topic- eyes shifting from Evallan's for the first time.

  “Well, everything always works out...” He said vaguely. “But I should be heading off, I think- I see your fellows beginning to stir...”

It was unfortunate he couldn't invite the Blood Mage to stay, Evallan thought. He might be able to guarantee the man's safety but judging by his skittishness, Dorian wouldn't trust that enough to be comfortable.

  “I do hope you enjoy the gift,” He said in a chipper tone. “Who knows...perhaps you'll give me something in return someday.”

Dragged from his pondering, Evallan lofted a brow, not really thinking of his response;

  “Gifts are not typically given with an expectation.”

  “Aren't they?” Dorian mused, chortling as if to himself. “Well...some of them are in a way, no? Dowries, for example.”

  “I...” He struggled to process what had been said. “...Pardon?”

Which inspired a chuckle from the Tevinter, shaking his head.

  “Just thinking out loud, my darling Herald.” He bowed lowly, with a mock-level of respect. “I must be off- you will take care of our Lunis, I trust.”

  “I will- of course.” He stumbled verbally, not comprehending the exchange.

Dorian just smiled and sauntered back into the shadows, leaving Evallan's heart in his throat.

--

  “I do not know if you should be accepting such...'gifts' from...renegade Blood Mages.” The Seeker admonished, watching as Lunis sped around the Chantry hall- chasing a moth.

  “I sense no ill intent from the man.” Evallan assured, fighting to keep a straight face. “And it is a fine creature.”

  “Does it have a name?” Solas asked from behind his tea-cup, observing warily.

  “The Blood Mage addressed him as 'Fenharel'.”

Solas instantly began choking, spittle flying everywhere. Unable to maintain his facade any longer, Evallan burst into laughter.

  “I know, I know! Do not worry, I told him I would not curse him with such a name. I have called him Lunis.”

  “Yes, far...that is a far more appropriate name, Herald.” The other elf muttered, dabbing tea from his face.

  “I truly cannot fathom...” Cassandra grumbled, leering. “...How you survived the wilderness as a mage child.”

Evallan snorted, genuinely tickled.

  “I had my clan to protect me- and now I have all of you!”

  “A task that will increase in complexity as the days progress, I am certain.” She sighed, not matching his cheer.

Character Interview—Garrett Hawke

(commissioned artwork by the talented @laugandraws !) tagged by my lovely friend @curiousthimble ❤️

'Why am I doing this again?' Hawke asks, pushing the last of the cupcakes into the oven and setting the timer.

Fenris swivels in the Thinking Stool, clipboard and pen at the ready. 'Because we're getting to know our patrons, and I tire of talking to strangers,' the Librarian tells the man, adjusting his glasses.

~~

name; Garrett Nicholas Hawke. ['Your middle name is Nicholas?'] I know, it's dreadful. I blame Mother. [*laughs*]

are you single; I uh—well. No? No. I... am? It's complicated. You know it is.

are you happy; ... Yes, I suppose I am. A lot's happened in my life—you know that—but I wouldn't change it for the world. Where I am now, I am happy.

are your parents—['We'll skip this one, Hawke.']

NINE FACTS

birthplace; Lothering. Good ol' smelly Lothering. There were fields everywhere. It was the best. Marian and I would run up hills and roll all the way down until the sun set. Sometimes I wish we could go back.

hair colour; Black—or as Marian likes to call it, Raven-coloured.

eye colour; Seafoam blue—again, Marian likes to coin these descriptions. She's the one who's better at words after all.

birthday; [*Fenris writes this down himself*]

mood; Tired. I've just gone through a whole day of baking—plus I need to wash everything but I'm being held captive in my own studio doing this interview. [*Sighs* 'I will help with the clean-up']

gender; Male. My beard gives it away, huh? ['There are women who have beards, Hawke. And they are proud of the asset too.'] The next time you see them, call me. I'd like to know what secrets their beards hold!

summer or winter; Winter for sure. Kirkwall never gets any snow. Which is why our parents always brought us to Nothern Orlais for the winter holidays.

morning or afternoon; Afternoon. ['Oh? I was under the impression that you were a morning person'] ... Yeah. Past tense. I used to like mornings when we—never mind. Afternoons keep me busy for the most part, and I appreciate that. ['...']

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

'Wait what does this have to do with the survey?' Hawke finishes folding his dirty apron and sets it on the counter behind him.

Fenris shrugs, mindlessly spinning his pen. 'Head Librarian needed these stats for purposes she did not wish to reveal to me. You can see why I hesitate interviewing strangers.'

'Fair point.'

are you in love; ... ['You do not need to answer if you do not wish—] Yes. ['... Oh.']

do you believe in love at first sight; Yes. It happened to Lavellan. And Bethy. And Marian and Anders. So yes, I do believe in it. Next question.

who ended your last relationship; I don’t have to answer this one. [*Fenris nods*]

have you ever broken someone's heart; Yes. Bethany's when I broke that serial killer's face. She—fuck. You should've seen her face, Fenris. ['I can only imagine, Hawke. I am sorry that your family had to go through something so difficult.'] I’m pretty sure the Hawke name is cursed. Thank you, though. For checking up on me during those weeks. I don't think I ever thanked you for that. ['Always a pleasure, Hawke.']

are you afraid of commitments; I... used to not be. Now I think I am.

have you hugged someone within the last week; Siobhan. She put her paw on my face after that. Then I realised that she had just used the litterbox.

have you ever had a secret admirer; Ha! Never. ['I beg to differ,' Fenris replies in a whisper]

'...'

'What's wrong?'

Fenris’ expression hardens and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. 'I do not know if you wish to answer this one.'

Hawke folds his arms across his chest. 'Fenris, I've already answered some that I don't want to.'

have you ever had your heart broken; Yes. Of course, many times. I’m an empath after all. When my parents were murdered. When Wynne passed. When Marian and Anders broke up—because I felt her heart break like it was my own. When I found out Aveline had cancer. When I realised that Bethy had been suffering alone. When you—well. I'll just leave it at that.

SIX CHOICES

love or lust; I used to think it was love, but now I think lust is easier. Neither, maybe.

lemonade or iced tea; Lemonade. Tea isn't supposed to have ice in it. I don't know what those hipster Orlesians were thinking. ['Agreed']

cats or dogs; If you ever tell Marian, I'll know because I'll probably have my tea poisoned. Dogs. ['I will make certain that your body is rushed to the morgue for autopsy ASAP so that they can track the culprit'] Gee, you're a such a good friend, Fenris.

a few best friends or many regular friends; The many. Unlike Marian, I don't like being alone. People make me happy. Plus, I get to bribe my way into their lives with all these sweets. ['You are already likeable by nature. No bribery is required, Hawke, I can assure you that.'] I—thank you.

wild night out or romantic night in; Disney, and lots of snacks ['Disney and a lot of snacks indeed.']

day or night; Day. Again, work keeps me busy.

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

been caught sneaking out; No. That's Marian you're referring to.

fallen down/up the stairs; ['I know the answer to this one.'] If you write that down Fenris I swear I will place all the books in the library in the wrong shelves. ['Then you will simply have to answer to the Head Librarian'] ... Shit.

wanted something/someone so badly it hurt; Yes. It still hurts, if I'm being honest.

wanted to disappear; No. I guess I've never thought about that because I've conditioned myself to not have such irresponsible thoughts. If I disappeared, who will take care of my family?

FOUR PREFERENCES

smile or eyes; Eyes. People can lie through their smiles. You can't do that with your eyes.

shorter or taller; Shorter. I like reaching for things for them. It makes me feel useful.

intelligence or attraction; Intelligence. I never went to school, and I'm always amazed at what people know. It attracts me enough that they're willing to teach me, or share their knowledge instead of belittling me.

hook-up or relationship; Next question.

FAMILY

do you and your family get along; Both yes and no. We stab each other in the thigh but we kiss the wound to make it go away, too.

would you say you have a messed up life; 100%

have you ever ran away from home; Yes. ['You have?'] I got as far as the library. Wynne found me—knees scraped, snot-nosed and everything.

have you ever gotten kicked out; Again, Marian.

FRIENDS

do you secretly hate one of your friends; Well, I don't hate her... ['A hint of dislike, then?'] Yeah, you know who I'm referring to. ['I do. Is it... just her?'] Well, who else would there be? ['I thought—never mind. Forget I said anything.']

do you consider all of your friends to be good friends; Most of them, yes. Some are trying to be better, and I appreciate them for that.

who is your best friend; Lavellan. She's been part of a huge chunk of my life—for most of the important stuff, and while she may not be physically here majority of that time, she's here when it matters the most.

who knows everything about you; My sister—Marian—naturally. Lavellan, of course. Aveline because she has this supernatural big-sister-sense and... you. ['Me?'] Sometimes you know things about me that I don't even realise. And you were always so sure about me, too.

'Present tense. Always present tense, Hawke,' Fenris corrects him.

'Even after everything?' He asks quietly, somewhat afraid of the answer.

They make eye contact. 'Of course,’ he replies, then looks away as if hurt by his own answer.

Hawke sighs. The weight in his heart doesn't match the thoughts in his head. 'You can still use it, you know. My name.'

'I did not want to overstep—'

'You're family, after all,' Hawke interrupts, reassuring him. And as the words leave him, the clutter of thoughts start to clear. He watches as Fenris' shoulders relax, and he feels the stiffness in the air dissipate. There's a small smile on Fenris' lips, mirrored instinctively by his own.

'Thank you, Garrett,' he utters the name after so long, and the weight in Hawke's heart escapes him in a flutter.

A Traveling Companion

A little short story featuring Yuumi and some friends

A cold and seeming lifeless tundra sat still. Roads were empty since it was a trade route rarely used from it’s harsh temperatures. Even the sun’s scorching rays did nothing to slightly warm the land. The calm land appeared to be disturbed. The air around started to shift and it looked as if was being pulled around. Light concentrated to one point and created a swir, and from the light, a blue furred cat was spat out with a large book following it.

“Book you brought us to Freljord again! Is Master nearby?!” The blue cat looked around to see nothing but open land.

The magical talking cat opened up the book and began speaking to it, “What do you mean you don���t know?! You’re the one who teleport us from that delicious looking fish! I think her name was Ami?”

The book would move around as if it were shaking its head. The feline looked puzzled as the book corrected her, “Nyami? Oh Nami! Yea it was that one!” The winds began to blow fierce and the warm looking fur on her body was now cold as ice. As quickly as possible, she ran over to the book and clung on to it tightly, “Book! Please tell me you have some heating magic or something! Freljord is a lot colder than I remembered…”

The book seemingly shivered while the cold winds of the tundra pelted the two. They looked around for warmth and found nothing with their efforts. “Come on book, we have to find something or I’ll be a catsickle and you’ll a cold read.”

The cat would hop on the book as it opened it’s pages and they both hovered over the ground. The empty land provided nothing to help keep them warm, not even an animal in sight. She began to whimper as she curled up on top of the book.

Then as if the gods were being merciful, they heard a familiar voice. “Ah, little kitty and magical book! My good friends!” A warm and inviting greeting flew into the cat’s ears, almost thawing her out of her cold prison.

She turned to see a large and muscular man, a smile was on his mustached face as she began to run over to him and pounce, “Braum! Thank goodness you are here, I was about to freeze!” She would nuzzle up to the large man. He gave a hearty chuckle, reaching down to pick up the small feline, “Yuumi my little companion hello! I have not seen you since you disappeared in that village we were fishing in.”

“Yea sorry about that! Book here just likes to teleport us randomly if they find a trace of our master.” She apologized while perched on the giant’s shoulder. Braum stood at 7 feet tall, probably even taller. The man had a warmth to him, one that came from his kind and gentle heart. But it was underneath all the brawn and muscle that helps him wield the unbreakable magic door.

The Braum would continue to his destination with Yuumi perched up on his shoulder, the two began to talk the adventure Yuumi has been since their last meeting. Braum let out a soulful laugh as he petted the small feline, “Ho ho, sounds like a very large adventure for such a small and powerful kitty!”

Yuumi giggled and purred while the Freljord giant affectionately kept her warm. “Where are you heading? On another big important job? Saving some village?”

Braum nodded as their destination was reached, a tall mountain. From the moment they stepped foot near it, they could both hear a loud strange howling. “The people of a nearby village told me there has been strange noises and a sighting of a snow monster.” Braum’s voice turned serious as he looked around and found large footsteps. He made his way over as he placed his hands over it and noticed it was a fresh track.

“Prepare yourself Yuumi, we might be in for a dangerous one.” He spoke while crouched and following the path of footsteps. Yuumi hopped on the book to let Braum do his thing. She looked around as she followed and noticed the cave they were heading to. Then they were ambushed, a large monstrous yeti jumped out onto Braum.

“BRAUM NO!” Yuumi screamed as she went to shield the man.

“Stay back! This one is too strong for your magics.” Braum and the yeti wrestled in the snow, a fierce and scary sight for Yuumi. She felt helpless, wanting to protect and assist Braum who has saved her twice. She noticed the yeti was not trying to hurt Braum, but play with him?

“Wait, is he-?” Yuumi’s question was interrupted by the voice of a child.

“Willump! You I know you want to play with people but it looks like you are attacking!” The boy called out as the yeti stopped and ran over to him almost like a pet. He was smiling and the boy was patting him all over. Soon the boy’s eyes sparkled when he saw Braum.

“Wait, your Braum! My momma told me so many of your stories! I can't believe you are real! And so huge!” The boy looked at him in awe while the yeti known as Willump rolled in the snow.

“Oh oh, where are my manners! I am Nunu, this is Willump. His is my best friend and the best traveling companion anyone could ask for!” Nunu introduced himself and ran over to Willump who was stood up and made conforming noise. Braum stood up and dusted off the snow from his body and made a large grin.

“Ohoho, looks like these were our culprits! Little one and big protecting yeti! I was sent up here because nearby village heard noises and saw a yeti! You must be careful, not everyone is as kind and understanding as Braum.” The giant lectured as he then called over Yuumi and she perched back on his shoulder. “This is Braum’s travel companion for this adventure. She is Yuumi.”

Yuumi raised a paw to wave and the book did an equivalent. “Oh and this is book! He’s my companion! We’re looking for our master Norra!”

Nunu scratched his head and looked over to Willump, “I don’t think I’ve heard that name before, sorry.” He then jolted his head quickly, the thought of the cat talking now registering in his head. “Wait, your a talking cat! And that's a magical book! Wow!” Nunu amazed by the people he was meeting ran over and started to pet Yuumi while she purred and rubbed against his hand.

“Little one, do you stay out here?” Braum asked with a hint of curiosity.

“Yea me and Willump just sleep wherever we can find a nice spot! He’s really comfy!” Nunu giggled as Yuumi licked at his hand.

“Come. We will find you and Willump a nice warm farm to stay in for the night.” Braum led as the others followed.

After returning to the village the villagers were surprised to find out that it was a child and a friendly yeti causing all the noise. For a job well done, they prepared a feast for them. They even offer Nunu and Willump a place for the night. While Yuumi was getting her hands on some fish, book opened up and started to pull her in.

“No no no, why is it always with fish! Come on book!” Yuumi yelled as both her and book disappeared.

“What just happened mister Braum?! They disappeared!” Nunu exclaimed.

“Seems as our furry companion and her book found a new hint for their master.” Braum chuckled hearthfully.

The night was sent away with feasts and celebrations, but there were whispers of a hooded yordle passing through.

Yoonmin Halloween fluff

Min Yoongi- aside from what Namjoon tells you- DOES in fact do things. Like sleep, scowl at people for no reason, burry himself in music, google rock memes after midnight, Park Jimin. But one thing he absolutely does not do, is haunted houses. It's not like he's scared, he's not Hoseok for gods sake. He just thinks they're juvenile and they always fail to scare him anyway. If he wanted to be terrified, he'd just ask about Namjoon and Jin about their sex life. Yet here he is on Halloween night, at ten-fucking-thirty pm, standing in front of one. And he's cold- no, freezing. How did he get in this situation you may ask? Well, it's all because of the shivering figure standing in front of him looking like he's going to hurl at any minute, which just happens to be The One and Only Park Jimin(™). But it's also because of Jungkook. It's always because of Jungkook. He's going to send Yoongi to an early grave (which honestly doesn't sound too bad right now). Yoongi sighs (for like the 238th time that night) and blows into his hands for warmth. "Let's just go, Jimin. Your house is only around the block. We can come back later." He drawls, craving to get back into the warmth of a house. But of course, life is out to torture him like usual. "We CAN'T Hyung!" Jimin whines, turning to face Yoongi, lips upturned into an obvious pout. "If I don't make it through before eleven, I owe Jungkook my limited edition Aquaman comic!" Yoongi tuts. He did not sign up for stuff like this when he asked the adorable chubby-cheeked Park Jimin from his astronomy class to be his kinda-sorta-i-don't-do-feelings-but-i-will-for-you boyfriend. "Alright" Yoongi hisses back, annoyance evident in his voice "then go in." He motions toward the pitch black entrance, bright flashing lights and screams mixed with ominous music coming from inside. They should of at least dressed warmer, Yoongi only being in a t-shirt and jeans, having given Jimin his hoodie because he's a fucking gentlemen. But honestly he's thinking about taking it back and going home to sleep, like he should already be doing, leaving this nonsense behind him. But he won't. Jimin's sweater paws are too cute to take away, and he knows if Jimin keeps it on for a while longer it'll smell like him. Jimin shuffles closer so he can rest his forehead against Yoongi's shoulder. "But I can hear people screaming" Jimin whispers hesitantly, words echoing in the junction of Yoongi's neck and making him shiver (not like he wasn't already shivering anyway). "Okay, then don't go in if you're scared." It's the obvious choice, and Yoongi hopes Jimin will agree with him this time. "I'm not scared! And you're not helping!" Jimin whines. Yoongi wants to whine back at him with a "why even bring me" but swallows back the words. He supposes he IS glad he's there to witness this, Jimin clinging to him in desperation (but acting like he's not) and looking fragile (but pretending he isn't). "How important is one comic anyway." He complains in Jimin's ear, and then he's given the response of Jimin lifting his face to look at him with eyes smiled into cresent moons, "My mom gave it to me for my birthday when I was a kid, I've had it forever!" Yoongi winces. Jimin is the sentimental type, putting worth into the smallest of things. But Yoongi supposes that's one of the reasons he loves him, even though he's the exact opposite. He never keeps things, although the stack of things from Jimin in Yoongi's closet says otherwise. He supposes he never cared much for memories until Jimin suddenly weaved himself into all of his best ones. And with that, Yoongi gives in like he always does, and always knows he will. But not without a dramatic eye-roll for good measure. So he inhales, questions how and when he became so soft, and grabs Jimin's hand to lace their fingers together, lightly tugging him foreward. Jimin opens his mouth to question but Yoongi cuts him off with a gruff "shut up and lets go", locking eyes with him until he receives a weak nod in response. He walks forward with Jimin trailing behind until they're inches from the entrance, then continues to walk them in. They start along the designated path, taking in the surroundings very cheesily decorated to be some kind of circus but meant to traumatize kids instead of delight them. They walk around plastic severed limbs, past cheap creepy paintings, and through corridors laced with cobwebs that's obviously pillow stuffing as the cliche haunted house sounds grow louder the deeper they go. His attention is directed to Jimin when he feels him press closer from behind and tighten his grip on Yoongi's hand. He's about to make a joke but his attempt to ease Jimin's mind is cut short when someone dressed in an nightmarish clown getup jumps out from god-knows where with a sickening cackle, causing Yoongi to reel back and Jimin to let out a high-pitched squeal. Yoongi freezes as his heartbeat skips and he swallows a curse. He should of known clowns would be involved by the circus-themed interior. Stupid, he's so stupid to have gotten himself into this. He grips Jimin's hand in his and darts forward past the masked culprit, barely registering Jimin's protests of "slow down" behind him. He marches forward dragging a stumbling Jimin behind him, blindly continuing down the path and ignoring the sheen of sweat forming on his forehead. He takes a few more steps before something- he doesn't really want to know anyway- with rows of shiny metal teeth drops from the ceiling in front of them, and he lets out a noise that's something between a (very manly if anyone asks) shriek and a sound which he's sure is his soul leaving his body. He jumps back, colliding with Jimin as they tumble to the floor with a thud. They lie there in silence for what feels like hours before Jimin breaks out in laughter. "Yoongi hyung are you-" insert another round of giggles "-okay?" Yoongi just lies there, content with only staring at the ceiling well heat radiates off of his cheeks. When Jimin's done laughing and Yoongi gets a good glare in, he pushes himself up to his feet alongside Jimin. Although when he tries to put weight on his left foot, he crumbles into Jimin's side with a (also very manly if anyone asks) whimper. Jimin catches him with a worried gasp. "Yoongi?" He questions, voice laced with panic. And by this point Yoongi is feeling angry, embarrassed, and frustrated, so so frustrated. But with Jimin's warm hands steadying him and caring eyes studying him, his emotions quickly fizzle out before he can act on them. He huffs out a tired breath. "I'm fine, i'm fine." He says as he takes another cautious step forward only to have pain shoot up his leg from his foot again. "Shit." He stumbles back into Jimin's embrace. Yoongi looks around on the verge of panicking, he can already hear voices of people catching up behind them, but before he can come up with a plan, Jimin's face lights up and his lips twist into a grin- one that always means trouble, and then suddenly he's being lifted. He blinks, and it sinks in. Jimin is carrying him. In his arms. Like a princess. A goddamn princess. He should hate this, he should be embarrassed and feel his pride going down the drain. But oddly enough he doesn't. Instead he feels lightheaded with a sudden rush of intense feelings for Jimin. Also pretty turned on by the way he can feel Jimin's muscles flex under him but that's a conversation for later. Before he can even begin to fake protest (he still has to act like he doesn't totally love being treated like a princess, Snow White can suck his dick) they're moving, Jimin taking Yoongi's place and continuing to follow the path to reach the end, walking with a newfound determination. The Jimin from moments ago that was too terrified to even look ahead long forgotten. He rests his head against Jimin's chest as they move forward and closes his eyes, background noises quickly drowned out by Jimin's even breathing and heartbeat. When they're finally out, moonlight floods Jimin's vision and he let's out a breathe he didn't know he was holding. "Yoongi we-" he starts but the words die on his tongue when he looks down and is greeted by Yoongi sound asleep in his arms, quite huffs of breathe leaving his lips as he sleeps, face pressed into Jimin's chest. Jimin should take a picture. His fingers itch to capture a sleeping Yoongi, walls down and face almost child-like. But he knows if Yoongi found out he'd be dead, he laughs quietly at the thought, and starts to make his way back home. By the time he gets there, his arms are sore from the strain. He gently lays Yoongi on the couch and pads to the kitchen for a much needed hot chocolate. He's halfway through his drink, the delicious heat warming his body, and leaning against the counter when he hears Yoongi stir, shuffling up beside him moments later with a slightly obvious limp. "Ah!" Jimin remembers, worry springing back, "Let me see your ankle!" But Yoongi doesn't budge. "It's not a big deal, it'll be good in a couple of days" he says with a lazy wave of his hand. Jimin lightly smacks him on the shoulder. "Whose the dance major here who's dealt with sprains before. It could be serious!" he laughs as Yoongi rolls his eyes, but before he can protest again (which he will because he's Yoongi), Jimin in one fluid motion swiftly puts down his mug then proceeds to grab Yoongi's hips and lift him up to sit on the counter in front of him, earning a sputter of surprise from the other. He kneels down and takes off Yoongi's shoe to examine his foot. After giving it a once over, Jimin looks up and smiles brightly, "it should be fine! No major swelling or anything." "See I told-" Yoongi starts to say but stops when he feels the softness of Jimin's lips press against the side of his foot. He stares down at Jimin in surprise, speechless as warmth erupts in his chest spreading to his cheeks and up his neck to the tip of his ears. Jimin is too pure, too perfect for him, he thinks. No, he knows. He wonders how he ever got so lucky, but doesn't have much time to dwell on it as Jimin stands back up with a blush rivaling his own and grabs his hips again, this time pulling him off the counter into his chest. Yoongi wraps his legs around Jimin's waist in return, barrying his head in Jimin's neck and breaking out into a gummy smile when he hears Jimin whisper into his ear. "All better."

Five More Minutes

@pillarspromptsweekly​ Fill 9: To the Rescue. 

Tavi cursed as snow dropped down the back of her boot for the fifth time in the past hour. “Why is it always the same fuckin’ boot?!” she groused under her breath as her right sock got just a little wetter. Again.

“I told you to lace your boots tighter,” Sagani said from behind her. An amused smile tugged her lips as Tavi’s scowl deepened. “C’mon, Tav, I did warn you.”

“Not helping,” Tavi growled. “I was makin’ sure I didn’t cut off blood flow an’ tryin’ to account for my fuckin’ socks.”

Sagani shrugged as the wind whipped at her hair. “It was your choice, Tav, all I’m sayin’.”

Unable to come up with a better reply, Tavi just rolled her eyes and kept walking. The faster they got down the damn mountain, the faster it wouldn’t be an issue. Stalwart lay hours behind them, and if the weather didn’t get too bad, they could probably make it to the bottom by night.

As if summoned by her wishing for the opposite, the wind picked up again, throwing snow in their faces. One especially strong gust unbalanced her and sent her teetering toward a snowdrift. Oh, shit, seriously-

“Careful!” Aloth’s hand closed around her arm and he pulled her back upright.

“Thanks,” Tavi smiled breathlessly, linking her hand with his once she had her balance back. “I swear the weather has it in for me.”

“And what makes you think that?”

“Aside from tryin’ to knock me into the fuckin’ snow? It waited until I figured out an estimate on travel time to reach the bottom that was dependent on good weather, and then it started doin’ this shit.” She reached over and flicked chunky snowflakes out of his hair. “Guess Ondra’s pissed at me.”

Aloth chuckled. “Well, you did just survive drowning by the skin of your teeth and return the Eyeless to Abydon, thus undoing what was probably centuries worth of effort on her part.”

Tavi snorted. “Still. Tryin’ to knock me in a snowbank? That shit’s fuckin’ petty.”

Aloth opened his mouth to reply, but she shushed him, frowing at the snowy expanse to their right. “Didja hear that?”

“What?” he asked in a whisper, as she was clearly still listening for something.

“Sounded like a kid,” Tavi muttered, tightening her grip on his hand as she leaned toward the elusive sound.

“We’re hours from the nearest civilization,” Aloth frowned, expression deepening when he heard the next soft wail. “It’s probably just wind through the rocks.”

“That would make more sense...”

“You still want to go look, don’t you?” he said knowingly. When she nodded, he squeezed her hand. “I’ll come with you.”

Tavi shook her head. “Those snowdrifts are gonna be waist-high at least on us. No reason for both of us to get soaked, especially on what’s likely a wild goose chase.” She looked back at the rest of the party. “Kana! Come help me with something for a minute!”

“What do you need?” Kana asked cheerfully as he approached. 

“Listen,” Tavi instructed, waiting until she saw recognition dawn in his eyes. “I wanna go see what that is. Just in case it’s something more than wind through rocks. An’ since you’re the biggest, I figure you’ll have the easiest time walkin’ off the beaten path with me.”

“Of course,” Kana nodded gamely. “Let’s be off.”

Tavi grinned at his enthusiasm, giving Aloth a quick kiss on the cheek as she released his hand. “Be right back.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” she heard Aloth mutter as she and Kana headed off in the rough direction of the lingering sound.

>O<

They walked for almost half an hour in silence, both trying to pinpoint the cry, before Kana sighed.

“I don’t see anything but rocks and snow, Tavi,” he admitted. “And I find it hard to believe a chld’s lungs could be this strong, especially out in the cold.”

Tavi nodded reluctantly. “You’re right, and it was probably just wind through rocks like Aloth said anyway.” She huffed a breath, watched it cloud the air. “Can we just go five more minutes before we turn back? To be safe?”

“Whatever you want,” Kana said, shooting her a curious look as he picked up her tone. “May I ask why this is so important to you?”

“That’s fair,” Tavi muttered, then sighed again. “When I was, oh....  fifteen, I think, my brother got lost in the woods. He was about six. Took two days for one of the search groups my father organized to find him. They’d... talked about turning back and decided to go five more minutes. We were five minutes from never findin’ him. Five minutes from him likely dyin’ out there. If they hadn’t pushed on, hadn’t gone far enough to hear him singin’ to himself....” She shook her head as she pushed through a deep drift of snow. “So now I’m extra paranoid about checkin’ thoroughly.”

“I can understand that,” Kana nodded. He cocked his head, listening. “Ah! I do believe I’ve found our culprit.” He pointed off to their left, at a tall rock spine pierced with a trio of holes. When the wind blew through, their varying sizes combined to create an all-too-folklike cry. “See, just rocks.”

Tavi’s shoulders sagged slightly in relief, only to re-hunch at a blast of snowy air. “Thank Hylea. Aloth was right. I really didn’t want it to be a lost kid. We woulda had to take ‘em back to Stalwart, an’ that would be a pain.”

Kana chuckled as he turned around. “At least it’s safe to turn back now.”

She laughed. “Y’don’t hafta hint, Kana. We can go.”

The two of them started retracing the path they’d made getting where they were. An occasional gust of wind pushed Tavi sideways, and she’d have to course-correct back to the track behind Kana. Most of the time it was only a step or two’s deviation, but one particularly nasty blast shoved her a good five steps to her right in an attempt to keep her balance.

It didn’t work. Mostly because her last step crunched down on ice over air buried under three feet of snow rather than rock.

“Motherfuc-!” It came out as part yelp, part growl while she was still pitching forward.

“Tavi!” She heard Kana yell her name, the crunch of his boots through the snow, felt his fingers brush hers as she fell, but it was too late.

He head bounced off the side of the crevasse and stars flashed across her vision. She hit both sides several times on her way down, finally landing hard on one shoulder. It gave with a pop that hurt almost enough to make her cry out. She probably would have anyway, if her landing didn’t also conk her head against the ground hard enough to knock her senseless.

>O<

She came to in the almost-dark of a fifteen foot deep crevasse, with no idea how long she’d been unconscious. Before she even tried sitting up, Tavi wiggled her toes inside her boots, and then her fingers. They all worked with no hesitation, except for her left hand. She sat up slowly, not putting any weight on that arm.

“Hylea’s fuckin’ tits,” she groaned, sucking in a pained breath between her teeth. Focusing on the narrow strip of light above her made her head pound like an Engwithan war drum. “Kana?!”

There was no answer from above, just her own whimper echoing back to her as her ribs protested the deep breath.

“Gods...” Breathing hard, she shifted position so she could sit leaning against the wall. She gingerly felt at her left shoulder, gritting her teeth against another whimper. “Nnngh...”

That’s fuckin’ dislocated, she confirmed mentally, using her right hand to rest her left arm across her lap. I really hope Kana’s gone because he went to the others for help...

The truth of the matter was, even with the high likelihood she was right, there was no way to know how long Kana had been gone. And no way of marking time other than sitting there and counting the seconds, which was a thoroughly unappealing thought. So Tavi settled in to wait, inventorying her injuries to pass the time and stay awake.

>O<

Fortunately, aside from the dislocated shoulder, a couple bruised ribs, and a nice goose egg above her left ear, there didn’t seem to be anything serious. And fifteen feet of rock overhead did offer a good bit of protection from the elements. Even more fortunately, she didn’t have to wait long before she heard someone calling her name, muted and distant thanks to the wind.

“Still here!” she hollered back, loudly as she dared with her ribs aching at deep breaths.

“Tavi?!” That was definitely closer, and definitely not Kana.

“I’m fine, city slicker!” Tavi called up. Relatively speaking... She gritted her teeth as she stood. “Just want fuckin’ out of here!”

There was a note of amused relief in Aloth’s voice as he called back,  “Understandable. We’re working on it.”

“Don’t s’ppose we have any rope left, do we?” she suggested. That would be too easy... 

“Unfortunately, no,” Aloth said regretfully, his silhouette visible as he leaned over the crevasse. “The last one broke after the Battery tower.”

“Don’t you dare be sorry about that, Corfiser!” Tavi hollered, indignant and not caring if it hurt her ribs. “This is fuckin’ leagues better than lettin’ anyone-” you especially, her mind whispered- “plummet to their deaths. I’m fine, I swear.”

“What are you considering fine, Tavi?”

Dammit. He knows me too fuckin’ well. “Oh, y’know... scrapes, bumps, bruises, dislocated shoulder...”

“Tavi!!” He sounded offended on her behalf that she was downplaying her on injuries.

“I’ve had worse and you know it!” she pointed out.

“Don’t remind me!” Aloth called down.

A smaller silhouette appeared next to his and Sagani chipped in, “Y’know, we can just kick him down there if you’d rather have a conversation at a normal volume level, Tav.”

Tavi laughed and then yelped. “Rather you got me up, ‘Gani.”

“We’re working on it,” Sagani promised. “Give us five more minutes.”

“Okay.” Tavi leaned her head back against the rock and muttered to herself,  “Literal minutes, or metaphorical ones?”

Growing up, whenever she or her brothers had asked for five more minutes to play or read whatever, they almost never literally meant five minutes. They were hoping their mother would lose track of time and they would get ten or fifteen.

>O<

“Five more minutes,” Khellin begged, eyes on paw prints that spiraled out into the woods.

“Five more minutes,” Casius pleaded, sprawled sideways in a chair with a book propped against his knees.

“Five more minutes,” Malachi said, flopped on his back with the neighbors’ cat curled up on his stomach as he hummed to himself.

“Five more minutes,” Tavi wheedled, perched precariously halfway up a tree.

“Oh, fine,” conceded Mom with a smile, time and time again, invariably giving her children far more than they asked for.

>O< 

“Tavi? Are you alright?” There was a note of concern in Aloth’s voice and she realized how long she’d been quiet. 

“Still fine, Aloth,” she reassured, the ache in her chest fading with the memories.  “Just thinkin’.”

“You must have hit your head rather hard...” he teased.

Tavi growled even as she grinned. “I’ll hit your head, city slicker.”

“I’ll let you,” he said, low enough she wasn’t sure she was supposed to hear it.

“Aloth, I swear I’m fine!” she promised. “I’m not bleedin’ to death, I don’t have any grievous  injuries, Hylea, the only reason I haven’t fixed my shoulder myself is ‘cause it’s a damn sight easier with help.”

“I’ll still feel better when we get you out of there...”

“I know, city slicker. Me, too. Shit, you think I like it down here? First of all, it’s still cold. Second, it’s hard and un-fuckin’-comfortable, and third, I’m away from you.” And I cannot believe I fuckin’ said that out loud...

“However will you survive?” Aloth deadpanned, most of the nerves gone from his voice.

“We’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?” Tavi retorted. “In all seriousness, Aloth, I’m not sleepy or anything, so you don’t hafta keep talkin’ to me.”

“Maybe not for your sake...” he said with a shaky, sheepish laugh. “But perhaps I need the reminder.”

“Well, then in the interest of not distactin’ the planners, let’s just sit here. Whenever you get nervous just call my name and I promise I’ll answer.” Hylea’s tits, she hated being stuck down here. She hated not being able to do anything, she hated that she couldn’t reach Aloth to squeeze his hand or give him a hug. Of course, if you could we wouldn’t be in a situation where he was worryin’ about you, would we?

“That... will have to do,” Aloth conceded reluctantly. And so they did for the remainder of the five minutes.

Finally Sagani popped her head back over the edge, knocking down small clumps of snow as she did, and called, “Okay, I think we worked something out. We tied the rope that broke in the Battery back together with about six different knots-”

“We still have that?!” Tavi asked incredulously as she got to her feet.

“C’mon, Watcher, you know I’m a hoarder.” The teasing note was clear in Hiravias’ voice, even distorted by the wind.

“This is the first time I’ve wanted to kiss you for it, though,” she retorted.

“Pass,” he chuckled. “You can kiss Aloth instead.”

“Deal!” Tavi laughed. “Sorry, ‘Gani. You can finish now.”

“Just that I think the rope should hold your weight long enough to get you out,” Sagani concluded. “This isn’t that deep, an’ it’s a pretty straight shot.”

“Worth a try,” Tavi concurred. “Just tie a loop in the end you lower down. I only have one workin’ arm right now, so I ain’t gonna be able to climb it. You’ll hafta pull me out.”

“Got it. Just a second.” Sagani disappeared from view for a minute, then her head popped back over the edge. “Okay, ready?”

“More than,” Tavi called back. She looked away from the brightly lit crack so her eyes would be adjusted  when the rope reached her level and waited. A few seconds later she heard the quiet but distinctive smack of rope against rock and picked out the pale brown line against the dark grey rock backdrop. As promised, the end was tied in a big enough loop to fit over her head. Tavi settled it around her waist--hopefully low enough it wouldn’t bother her ribs--and gave it a tug with her good hand. “Ready!”

In response, the rope went taut and she started moving upward, using her feet to keep from hitting the walls. When she was within arm’s reach of the edge, Tavi let go of the rope and grapped rock instead. Almost immediately, a large hand closed around her wrist and Kana pulled her the rest of the way out and set her on her feet.

“Tavi!” Aloth winced when she turned to look at him, which she barely caught as her eyes adjusted to the change in light.

“What?” she frowned. He reached over and brushed his fingers just above her eyebrow. They came away sticky with mostly-dry blood. “Pretty sure that’s nothin’ serious,” she said reassuringly, reaching up to push her hair back so he could see. “You know how head wounds are. They bleed like fuckin’ crazy.”

“Clearly,” he said dryly, even as his finger found the small cut along her hairline. “This one’s covered nearly a third of your face.”

“Well, guess we better get me cleaned up,” Tavi said glibly. “So I don’t look like a nightmare.” She reached down and scooped up a handful of snow--almost losing her balance in the process--to rub against the bloody part of her face.

“Here,” Aloth offered. He wiped the mess off her face with his sleeve, despite her protests, and gave her a tentative kiss on the cheek.

“And now I know nothin’ in my face is broken,” she joked. “Can we fix my fuckin’ shoulder?”

“Actually...” Sagani hesitated briefly. “If you think you can stand it just a little longer, Keya’s been settin’ up camp in a cave we found back near the path. If you can wait ‘til we get there, we can take off some layers, which should make things easier. Also, there’s food.”

“Ooh, one of my favorite sentences. I think I can manage.”

>O<

In the end she only made it five minutes before all the stubbornness in the world couldn’t keep her going and Kana had to carry her the rest of the way.

Keya had done quite a good job setting up camp for the time she’d had. She arched an eyebrow at seeing Tavi carried in. “What have you done to yourself now, Watcher?”

“First of all, I didn’t do this to myself,” Tavi protested as Kana set her down.  “Second, it’s not as bad as it looks. Just pop my shoulder back in an’ I’ll be fuckin’ fine.”

Keya didn’t look entirely convinced, so Tavi just started trying to undo the fastening on her coat one-handed.

“Let me help,” Aloth offered quietly as the others scattered to tend their own business. His fingers deftly  separated the toggles and loops.

“Thanks,” Tavi whispered, fighting the urge to lean against him in her exhaustion, since it would make his task harder. “And since you’re bein’ nice, I won’t make a crack about finally reachin’ a point in our relationship where you’re undressin’ me.”

He smirked rather than blush, and briefly leaned his forehead against hers.  “You’re better than such low-hanging fruit, anyway.”

Tavi snorted, shrugging out of the coat with her good shoulder as the last fastener parted. “City slicker, I’m all about the fuckin’ low-hangin’ fruit. It’s like you don’t know me at al-”

He kissed her. Tavi felt her own pleased hum answered by his as she reached to cup his jaw with her good hand.

I take it back, something inside her smirked. He knows me really fuckin’ well. Aloth grazed her bad shoulder as he moved to copy her action, and Tavi broke the kiss with a yelp.

“Gods, Tavi, I’m sorry,” he said in consternation.

“S’alright,” she managed, resting her head against his shoulder briefly. “It’s a good reminder I should get that fixed before we make out, anyway.”

“Very true.” Aloth helped her the rst of the way out of her coat, gingerly around the dislocated joint, and then repeated the process with the heavier of the two shirts she wore. He sat next to her and held her hand while Keya popped her shoulder back into joint. Let her squeeze --encouraged it, really-- until Tavi was worried she’d break bone or something.

>O<

Once Tavi as all put back together, they sat by the fire, loosely wrapped in a shared blanket, and watched Sagani and Hiravias prepare dinner.

“I’m sorry we didn’t make all the progress you wanted today,” Aloth murmured, thumb rubbing the back of her hand.

“It’s okay,” Tavi replied, giving his hand a much gentler squeeze than she had earlier. “Caves are good for our relationship.”

He laughed quietly, nodding concession of the point. “They have been something of a good luck charm for us, haven’t they?” He turned slightly to kiss her on the temple. “And shouldn’t you be lying down? I seem to recall Keya telling you to rest.”

“This is restful,” Tavi countered, snuggling closer.

“Tavi. You know what she meant.”

“Fine. Five more minutes?” she cajoled, tilting her chin up for a kiss.

Aloth sighed, smiling slightly as he caved to both the spoken request and the unspoken. “Five more minutes.”

Neither of them were terribly surprised when that stretched to twenty. 

ES Spectre 2.0 Chapter 8-3

TLK part 9: Return to Doggertale Yet Again

Summary: Papyrus Squad seeks closure, but not even a swarm of Papyruses can wrangle an actual happy ending out of this story. unu

Tags/warnings: only attempted vore in this one Killing a skeleton in this fic would be far too upsetting! What? The first five chapters? An unspecified but massive body count? I don’t remember anything like that!

Besides, there were no bodies left, not even dust X3

Extra special thanks to @idontevenknowwhattoputhereugh for allowing this blatant vorish exploitation of her characters X3

[previous chapter][first chapter][AO3 link]

Papyrus didn’t invite Battle-Scarred Alphys on this mission. For one thing, it was likely going to be cold and snowy the whole time. And, maybe a little bit, he was annoyed that she hadn’t been more communicative about what her universe’s native Papyrus looked like. If he’d put together the facts earlier maybe it wouldn’t—well, it still would have been a horrible shock. But surely it hadn’t helped Mustard to be the one to break the news to him. He brought Thunder and Noodles, since they were already involved, and one more Papyrus nicknamed Cloudy for the cotton-candy-like ruff on his jacket. He was formidable in a pinch but not quick to cause trouble, which Thunder and Scarred Alphys sometimes were. The dog that said its name was Sans was sleeping at its sentry post, the same as the previous time Papyrus had visited. It looked up as they approached. It appeared nervous at the arrival of so many skeletons, but didn’t run away. Papyrus stalked purposefully up to the sentry post. “What are you doing back here?” the dog asked “Come to make another donation?” It was playing it cool, but experience with the dogs in his own Snowdin let Papyrus read the tilt of its ears. It was definitely nervous. “Er, no. We just want more information about what happened to the other skeletons who came here before me.” “I don’t know why you bothered. I told you what happened to the short one. I woulda thought you could figure out what happened to the tall one.” “Of course I suspect. But I want to know for sure.” “You came all the way here for that?” The dog sat up straighter. “You’re some kinda alternate universe version of my brother, right? I know you’re smart enough to figure it out.” He glanced around at the other Papyri. “Who’re your friends?” Papyrus paused. Apparently the similarities between him and the others weren’t enough for the dog to realize they were all interdimensional twins. From the dog’s point of view, the default Papyrus was a dog, after all, not a skeleton. “They’re also alternate universe versions of me and your brother.” Papyrus reasoned that perhaps being open with the dog would win his trust, but Thunder grumbled disapprovingly, leaning menacingly over the sentry station counter. “As was…” Papyrus continued, but he still found it hard to accept. “As was the first skeleton that came here, with the orange hoodie.” “So, what, you’re looking out for him out of a sense of skeleton-Papyrus solidarity?” The dog’s hackles rose a little. “Are you out for revenge or somethin’?” Papyrus was startled the dog had figured it out—well, he himself didn’t believe in revenge, but Thunder certainly did, and he wouldn’t entirely put it past Cloudy. “It may be four against one, but I’ve got a surprise or two up my sleeve.” The dog pulled something from beneath the counter of the sentry station—it looked like a ray gun from those science fiction magazines Sans had found in the dump in Waterfall. The dog fired it at Thunder, who disappeared—no, he was still there, on the counter, but miniaturized. Of course. The first skeleton had had a shrink ray, and now the dog had it. “What? No, no,” Papyrus rushed to explain. “We aren’t looking for revenge on you. It’s the—” “I’m not just gonna sit here and let you take revenge on my brother, either.” The dog fired the ray at Papyrus. “That isn’t what he meant.” Cloudy intervened as the dog pointed the ray at Noodles, stepping in front of the other skeleton with his hands raised. “The only monster we want revenge on is that other skeleton in the orange hoodie.” “Yeah, sure.” The dog fired the ray and Cloudy dropped into the snow, shrunken. “What’s a slightly different skeleton version of you gonna do that’d make you want revenge?” “I’ll tell you,” Papyrus piped up, having recovered from the disorienting effects of the shrink ray, “if you’ll tell us exactly what happened when the first skeleton came through.” The dog looked down at him. “I would, except you probably want to include me not eating you in that deal, and here you are all conveniently bite-sized.” Papyrus turned to Noodles. They had discussed the possibility of the dog’s appetite for bones getting in the way, although no one had anticipated the dog having a shrink ray. “Oh. Oh yeah. Wait!” said Noodles. “I have something you might find even tastier!” “It’s not spaghetti, is it?” The dog was unenthused. “No!” Noodles was indignant at the insult to spaghetti, but he recovered and produced a bottle of ketchup. “It’s this!” The dog lowered the shrink ray, eyes widening. “What is that?” “It’s ketchup.” Noodles handed it to the dog. “Wow.” The dog accepted it with the paw not occupied by the ray gun, staring at it in apparent awe as he figured out how to open it, then smirked. “I could smell it a mile away. You think dogs don’t know what ketchup is? But thanks! I do like this stuff!” The dog quickly splattered Thunder with ketchup, set down the bottle, picked up the skeleton, and raised him over his open jaws, lifting the ray gun with his other forepaw to point at Noodles. Thunder summoned a blaster and shot a beam of electricity at the dog, but it just made his fur a little frizzy. The dog smiled wider at its inefficacy, lowering Thunder toward its tongue. Noodles lunged forward, reaching for Thunder. The dog fired its ray gun. The blaster bit down on the paw holding Thunder, and the dog dropped him. Fortunately Noodles had distracted the dog enough that Thunder wasn’t lined up correctly with its mouth and fell onto the counter. Noodles landed on the counter, too, now bite-sized. “Get to Noodles!” Papyrus yelled. By the time he and Thunder had both reached Noodles, Noodles was oriented enough to teleport them all off the counter. “Back to the portal,” said Thunder, as they sank into the snow, which was extremely deep at this size. “Noodles, can you grab Cloudy and then stop for us on the way to the portal?” Papyrus asked. Noodles nodded and vanished, reappearing with Cloudy in tow a few moments later. As soon as the others had grabbed onto them, they were yanked through space into…more deep snow. “My sense of distance is really thrown off by being small,” explained Noodles. Papyrus worried whether they would be able to go through the portal. Wasn’t it raised a little off the ground? It had been easy to step through on the way here, but at this size… He needn’t have worried. Noodles’s next jump brought them within sight of the portal, and another threw them into it. *** “I didn’t know you could do that, Noodles.” “Do what?” “Manipulate horizontal momentum at the end of a teleport.” “Oh yeah. It’s necessary if you teleport onto a moving vehicle or something.” “So that’s it?” interrupted Thunder. “What’s it?” Papyrus found he really wanted to focus on the mechanics of teleportation right now. “The culprit is dead. There’s … nothing more we can do.” “That’s … Team Papyrus can’t … There must be something …” “You’re right, Lefty,” Cloudy spoke up quietly. “Even if our original goal is out of reach, an organized team of Papyruses ought to be able to accomplish something.” “Like what?” grunted Thunder. “I have an idea,” said Noodles. Everyone looked at him. “We could go rescue Gaster.” “Who’s Gaster?” said Papyrus. Alphys came in, walked down the stairs, and dropped her cup of ramen when she saw them. “How did you get so small?”

It's over! I swear this time. Because if I somehow feel the need to write any more I'll make it a separate story. Should I write further adventures of the Papyrus Squad? Should I draw character designs for all the random AU skeletons?

6 Animals That Get High More Than Humanity’s Biggest Stoners

Aww, look at that cute little animal doing human stuff. He thinks he’s people! He’s pushing a little cart, he’s wearing a hat, now he’s buying a speedball off of Scritchy Saul and overdosing in an alley! Yes, animals like to get just as recreationally wasted as us humans do. Sometimes, even more so …

#6. Gorillas Get Drunk As Fuck On Bamboo Wine

Gorillas have every reason to be stressed out. They’re critically endangered, their trees keep getting knocked down, poachers keep trying to shoot them … how do they deal with this day-to-day nightmare? The same way that we would: by getting riggity-riggity-wrecked, son!

“Gimme a double — Flash kicked my ass twice tonight.”

Gorillas in the mountains of Rwanda have discovered a local form of bamboo with naturally alcoholic sap. The locals call it ulanzi, or “bamboo wine.” The gorillas just call it “a damn good time.”

Curious George Takes A Ride On The Night Train

Wildlife photographer Andy Rouse discovered the jungle frat party when he went to Rwanda in search of a Gorillas In The Mist experience. What he found instead, in his own words, were “gorillas who were pissed.” As a result, he managed to take all of these great photographs that the embarrassed gorillas hope you don’t tag them in on Facebook. He’s also the first person in history to catch photographic evidence of gorilla hangovers:

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is not ripping your sponsor’s limbs off.

#5. Dogs In Australia Trip Balls On Toad Sweat

Since the 1930s, Australia’s wildlife has been waging a war of extinction against the cane toad, an animal that Australia deliberately and stupidly introduced to control the beetle population. In a country where every second rock you turn over is actually some kind of fucking rock-snake that can murder your entire family, it’s hard to believe that the king of the food chain is a goddamn toad, but cane toads are so poisonous that they kill anything that eats them, and this is a continent where everything is trying to eat you.

“Giant, snake-eating spiders? I’ll take a pound to go.”

But dogs are taking those cane toads and making cane-toad-ade. It turns out that the chemical cane toads excrete through their skin is a mild hallucinogenic in small quantities, which animals can experience by licking them. Since dogs are uniquely prone to licking everything they see, it’s a foregone conclusion that they would eventually figure out that toads get them high.

Finally, an explanation for why only Snoopy can see the Red Baron.

The drugged dogs run in circles, their pupils dilate, they stare into space, and generally act tripped-out. And, like any human drug, overindulgence can lead to health problems. That’s why Australia has rehab programs to get your dog off their debilitating toad addiction.

Because turn on, tune in, drop out, roll over, play dead is no way to go through life.

#4. Marmots Tear Apart Cars To Get Wasted On Antifreeze

Here’s the yellow-bellied marmot, an animal to which we have unwittingly introduced a debilitating drug addiction that costs us thousands of dollars a year:

And judging by this picture, it ain’t smack.

Antifreeze is straight-up poison to most animals, but it’s a less straight-up poison to the marmots at Sequoia and Yosemite National Parks in California, who have taken to lurking in gangs of four or five underneath cars in parking lots, then chewing through brake lines, radiator hoses, and whatever else needs compromising in order to get at the antifreeze. Up to 40 cars are damaged this way every year.

It’s like a pub crawl full of assholes who showed up five minutes after closing time.

It’s become such a problem that people have taken to fortifying their cars with tarps and chicken wire to discourage the junkie vandals. People have even been known to leave bowls of antifreeze nearby as a more easily accessible option, like some sort of wildlife methadone program.

The woodland version of security bars on a ghetto liquor store.

Marmots have even been known to accidentally hitch a ride and end up being taken out of their specific habitat, outside of which they can’t survive. And there’s nothing sadder than a homeless Marmot in a strange town, sitting at the corner of the off-ramp, his tiny paws resting on a sign reading “Y lie? Need money 4 antifreeze.”

#3. Dolphins Pass Pufferfish Around Like Joints

It’s common knowledge that the pufferfish is incredibly poisonous, but in very small quantities, its poison is a powerful narcotic. Humans have much safer methods of getting high, but dolphins have to take what they can get, and pods of dolphins have been found lightly gnawing on pufferfish for the singular goal of getting adorably smashed.

“What if the universe was one giant can of tuna, inside an even bigger can of tuna?”

This probably isn’t pleasant for the pufferfish, but the dolphins don’t kill it — instead, they pass it around like a joint, sucking on the unfortunate critter just long enough to feel its effects before giving it over to the next aquatic stoner. When all the dolphins are blitzed out of their minds, they simply let the fish go free while they float about in the ocean, much like you float about on that beanbag in the basement. We’re all, like, one species, man.

Maybe if more dolphins passed the puffer on the left-hand side, they’d quit being such raping, murderous assholes all the time.

#2. There Is An Epidemic Of Alcoholic Squirrels

It turns out that squirrels have an alcohol problem. Like, collectively, as a species. They’ve been known to seek out fruit that has been rotting in the sun, probably lured by the pungent aroma, but it doesn’t take much fermented fruit juice to give a squirrel a head rush. As a result, there are several videos on YouTube of drunk squirrels trying to navigate a world that is suddenly spinning around them.

This is especially prevalent after Halloween, when some households take a little too long to deal with all the carved pumpkins lying around, which makes somewhere around Nov. 17 the squirrel equivalent of St. Patrick’s Day.

“Like you humans are ones to talk, with all your pumpkin spice bullshit.”

In July 2015, staff of an English private club came to work to find the place ransacked and the floor drenched in a lake of beer. Initially assuming they had been robbed, they eventually discovered the culprit still inside the building — an extremely intoxicated squirrel who had managed to turn on the beer taps and proceeded to party like a squirrel in a beer lake.

That is its own idiom now.

#1. Bears In Russia Huff Jet Fuel

At some point, somebody in Russia needed to dispose of a whole bunch of barrels of aviation fuel, and they decided that the virtually inaccessible Kronotsky Nature Reserve was their best option. Years later, scientists discovered a curious side effect — local brown bears had learned to open the barrels and were getting high as balls on the fumes.

The bears of the region have become accustomed to huffing fumes from the barrels until they get higher than Sputnik, finishing their binge by digging a ditch in the snow and passing out. And they’ve become so addicted that, according to witnesses, they will gather to ambush landing helicopters and other aircraft, lured by the gasoline like the most hilarious Mad Max sequel possible.

Starring Imperator Furryosa.

Wildlife photographer Igor Shpilenok documented the perpetually stoned bears for seven months, watching as they not only congregated to get high on fuel barrels but obsessively sniffed the ground under landing helicopters for the lingering scent of dripping fuel, like a desperate alcoholic slurping whiskey residue out of an ashtray.

Those pilots better watch it, lest the bear get a hankering for some beer nuts.

Naturally, this is Russia, so we’re not exactly surprised that animals are finding a way to get as drunk as their human compatriots. In fact, in Ukraine, there are even programs designed to detox alcoholic bears. And now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to buy a plane ticket and fulfill a lifelong dream of getting hammered with a bear.

It’s not just a Grindr tagline anymore.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/07/6-animals-that-get-high-more-than-humanitys-biggest-stoners/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/07/07/6-animals-that-get-high-more-than-humanitys-biggest-stoners/

6 Animals That Get High More Than Humanity’s Biggest Stoners

Aww, look at that cute little animal doing human stuff. He thinks he’s people! He’s pushing a little cart, he’s wearing a hat, now he’s buying a speedball off of Scritchy Saul and overdosing in an alley! Yes, animals like to get just as recreationally wasted as us humans do. Sometimes, even more so …

#6. Gorillas Get Drunk As Fuck On Bamboo Wine

Gorillas have every reason to be stressed out. They’re critically endangered, their trees keep getting knocked down, poachers keep trying to shoot them … how do they deal with this day-to-day nightmare? The same way that we would: by getting riggity-riggity-wrecked, son!

“Gimme a double — Flash kicked my ass twice tonight.”

Gorillas in the mountains of Rwanda have discovered a local form of bamboo with naturally alcoholic sap. The locals call it ulanzi, or “bamboo wine.” The gorillas just call it “a damn good time.”

Curious George Takes A Ride On The Night Train

Wildlife photographer Andy Rouse discovered the jungle frat party when he went to Rwanda in search of a Gorillas In The Mist experience. What he found instead, in his own words, were “gorillas who were pissed.” As a result, he managed to take all of these great photographs that the embarrassed gorillas hope you don’t tag them in on Facebook. He’s also the first person in history to catch photographic evidence of gorilla hangovers:

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is not ripping your sponsor’s limbs off.

#5. Dogs In Australia Trip Balls On Toad Sweat

Since the 1930s, Australia’s wildlife has been waging a war of extinction against the cane toad, an animal that Australia deliberately and stupidly introduced to control the beetle population. In a country where every second rock you turn over is actually some kind of fucking rock-snake that can murder your entire family, it’s hard to believe that the king of the food chain is a goddamn toad, but cane toads are so poisonous that they kill anything that eats them, and this is a continent where everything is trying to eat you.

“Giant, snake-eating spiders? I’ll take a pound to go.”

But dogs are taking those cane toads and making cane-toad-ade. It turns out that the chemical cane toads excrete through their skin is a mild hallucinogenic in small quantities, which animals can experience by licking them. Since dogs are uniquely prone to licking everything they see, it’s a foregone conclusion that they would eventually figure out that toads get them high.

Finally, an explanation for why only Snoopy can see the Red Baron.

The drugged dogs run in circles, their pupils dilate, they stare into space, and generally act tripped-out. And, like any human drug, overindulgence can lead to health problems. That’s why Australia has rehab programs to get your dog off their debilitating toad addiction.

Because turn on, tune in, drop out, roll over, play dead is no way to go through life.

#4. Marmots Tear Apart Cars To Get Wasted On Antifreeze

Here’s the yellow-bellied marmot, an animal to which we have unwittingly introduced a debilitating drug addiction that costs us thousands of dollars a year:

And judging by this picture, it ain’t smack.

Antifreeze is straight-up poison to most animals, but it’s a less straight-up poison to the marmots at Sequoia and Yosemite National Parks in California, who have taken to lurking in gangs of four or five underneath cars in parking lots, then chewing through brake lines, radiator hoses, and whatever else needs compromising in order to get at the antifreeze. Up to 40 cars are damaged this way every year.

It’s like a pub crawl full of assholes who showed up five minutes after closing time.

It’s become such a problem that people have taken to fortifying their cars with tarps and chicken wire to discourage the junkie vandals. People have even been known to leave bowls of antifreeze nearby as a more easily accessible option, like some sort of wildlife methadone program.

The woodland version of security bars on a ghetto liquor store.

Marmots have even been known to accidentally hitch a ride and end up being taken out of their specific habitat, outside of which they can’t survive. And there’s nothing sadder than a homeless Marmot in a strange town, sitting at the corner of the off-ramp, his tiny paws resting on a sign reading “Y lie? Need money 4 antifreeze.”

#3. Dolphins Pass Pufferfish Around Like Joints

It’s common knowledge that the pufferfish is incredibly poisonous, but in very small quantities, its poison is a powerful narcotic. Humans have much safer methods of getting high, but dolphins have to take what they can get, and pods of dolphins have been found lightly gnawing on pufferfish for the singular goal of getting adorably smashed.

“What if the universe was one giant can of tuna, inside an even bigger can of tuna?”

This probably isn’t pleasant for the pufferfish, but the dolphins don’t kill it — instead, they pass it around like a joint, sucking on the unfortunate critter just long enough to feel its effects before giving it over to the next aquatic stoner. When all the dolphins are blitzed out of their minds, they simply let the fish go free while they float about in the ocean, much like you float about on that beanbag in the basement. We’re all, like, one species, man.

Maybe if more dolphins passed the puffer on the left-hand side, they’d quit being such raping, murderous assholes all the time.

#2. There Is An Epidemic Of Alcoholic Squirrels

It turns out that squirrels have an alcohol problem. Like, collectively, as a species. They’ve been known to seek out fruit that has been rotting in the sun, probably lured by the pungent aroma, but it doesn’t take much fermented fruit juice to give a squirrel a head rush. As a result, there are several videos on YouTube of drunk squirrels trying to navigate a world that is suddenly spinning around them.

This is especially prevalent after Halloween, when some households take a little too long to deal with all the carved pumpkins lying around, which makes somewhere around Nov. 17 the squirrel equivalent of St. Patrick’s Day.

“Like you humans are ones to talk, with all your pumpkin spice bullshit.”

In July 2015, staff of an English private club came to work to find the place ransacked and the floor drenched in a lake of beer. Initially assuming they had been robbed, they eventually discovered the culprit still inside the building — an extremely intoxicated squirrel who had managed to turn on the beer taps and proceeded to party like a squirrel in a beer lake.

That is its own idiom now.

#1. Bears In Russia Huff Jet Fuel

At some point, somebody in Russia needed to dispose of a whole bunch of barrels of aviation fuel, and they decided that the virtually inaccessible Kronotsky Nature Reserve was their best option. Years later, scientists discovered a curious side effect — local brown bears had learned to open the barrels and were getting high as balls on the fumes.

The bears of the region have become accustomed to huffing fumes from the barrels until they get higher than Sputnik, finishing their binge by digging a ditch in the snow and passing out. And they’ve become so addicted that, according to witnesses, they will gather to ambush landing helicopters and other aircraft, lured by the gasoline like the most hilarious Mad Max sequel possible.

Starring Imperator Furryosa.

Wildlife photographer Igor Shpilenok documented the perpetually stoned bears for seven months, watching as they not only congregated to get high on fuel barrels but obsessively sniffed the ground under landing helicopters for the lingering scent of dripping fuel, like a desperate alcoholic slurping whiskey residue out of an ashtray.

Those pilots better watch it, lest the bear get a hankering for some beer nuts.

Naturally, this is Russia, so we’re not exactly surprised that animals are finding a way to get as drunk as their human compatriots. In fact, in Ukraine, there are even programs designed to detox alcoholic bears. And now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to buy a plane ticket and fulfill a lifelong dream of getting hammered with a bear.

It’s not just a Grindr tagline anymore.

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/07/6-animals-that-get-high-more-than-humanitys-biggest-stoners/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/07/6-animals-that-get-high-more-than.html

6 Animals That Get High More Than Humanity’s Biggest Stoners

Aww, look at that cute little animal doing human stuff. He thinks he’s people! He’s pushing a little cart, he’s wearing a hat, now he’s buying a speedball off of Scritchy Saul and overdosing in an alley! Yes, animals like to get just as recreationally wasted as us humans do. Sometimes, even more so …

#6. Gorillas Get Drunk As Fuck On Bamboo Wine

Gorillas have every reason to be stressed out. They’re critically endangered, their trees keep getting knocked down, poachers keep trying to shoot them … how do they deal with this day-to-day nightmare? The same way that we would: by getting riggity-riggity-wrecked, son!

“Gimme a double — Flash kicked my ass twice tonight.”

Gorillas in the mountains of Rwanda have discovered a local form of bamboo with naturally alcoholic sap. The locals call it ulanzi, or “bamboo wine.” The gorillas just call it “a damn good time.”

Curious George Takes A Ride On The Night Train

Wildlife photographer Andy Rouse discovered the jungle frat party when he went to Rwanda in search of a Gorillas In The Mist experience. What he found instead, in his own words, were “gorillas who were pissed.” As a result, he managed to take all of these great photographs that the embarrassed gorillas hope you don’t tag them in on Facebook. He’s also the first person in history to catch photographic evidence of gorilla hangovers:

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is not ripping your sponsor’s limbs off.

#5. Dogs In Australia Trip Balls On Toad Sweat

Since the 1930s, Australia’s wildlife has been waging a war of extinction against the cane toad, an animal that Australia deliberately and stupidly introduced to control the beetle population. In a country where every second rock you turn over is actually some kind of fucking rock-snake that can murder your entire family, it’s hard to believe that the king of the food chain is a goddamn toad, but cane toads are so poisonous that they kill anything that eats them, and this is a continent where everything is trying to eat you.

“Giant, snake-eating spiders? I’ll take a pound to go.”

But dogs are taking those cane toads and making cane-toad-ade. It turns out that the chemical cane toads excrete through their skin is a mild hallucinogenic in small quantities, which animals can experience by licking them. Since dogs are uniquely prone to licking everything they see, it’s a foregone conclusion that they would eventually figure out that toads get them high.

Finally, an explanation for why only Snoopy can see the Red Baron.

The drugged dogs run in circles, their pupils dilate, they stare into space, and generally act tripped-out. And, like any human drug, overindulgence can lead to health problems. That’s why Australia has rehab programs to get your dog off their debilitating toad addiction.

Because turn on, tune in, drop out, roll over, play dead is no way to go through life.

#4. Marmots Tear Apart Cars To Get Wasted On Antifreeze

Here’s the yellow-bellied marmot, an animal to which we have unwittingly introduced a debilitating drug addiction that costs us thousands of dollars a year:

And judging by this picture, it ain’t smack.

Antifreeze is straight-up poison to most animals, but it’s a less straight-up poison to the marmots at Sequoia and Yosemite National Parks in California, who have taken to lurking in gangs of four or five underneath cars in parking lots, then chewing through brake lines, radiator hoses, and whatever else needs compromising in order to get at the antifreeze. Up to 40 cars are damaged this way every year.

It’s like a pub crawl full of assholes who showed up five minutes after closing time.

It’s become such a problem that people have taken to fortifying their cars with tarps and chicken wire to discourage the junkie vandals. People have even been known to leave bowls of antifreeze nearby as a more easily accessible option, like some sort of wildlife methadone program.

The woodland version of security bars on a ghetto liquor store.

Marmots have even been known to accidentally hitch a ride and end up being taken out of their specific habitat, outside of which they can’t survive. And there’s nothing sadder than a homeless Marmot in a strange town, sitting at the corner of the off-ramp, his tiny paws resting on a sign reading “Y lie? Need money 4 antifreeze.”

#3. Dolphins Pass Pufferfish Around Like Joints

It’s common knowledge that the pufferfish is incredibly poisonous, but in very small quantities, its poison is a powerful narcotic. Humans have much safer methods of getting high, but dolphins have to take what they can get, and pods of dolphins have been found lightly gnawing on pufferfish for the singular goal of getting adorably smashed.

“What if the universe was one giant can of tuna, inside an even bigger can of tuna?”

This probably isn’t pleasant for the pufferfish, but the dolphins don’t kill it — instead, they pass it around like a joint, sucking on the unfortunate critter just long enough to feel its effects before giving it over to the next aquatic stoner. When all the dolphins are blitzed out of their minds, they simply let the fish go free while they float about in the ocean, much like you float about on that beanbag in the basement. We’re all, like, one species, man.

Maybe if more dolphins passed the puffer on the left-hand side, they’d quit being such raping, murderous assholes all the time.

#2. There Is An Epidemic Of Alcoholic Squirrels

It turns out that squirrels have an alcohol problem. Like, collectively, as a species. They’ve been known to seek out fruit that has been rotting in the sun, probably lured by the pungent aroma, but it doesn’t take much fermented fruit juice to give a squirrel a head rush. As a result, there are several videos on YouTube of drunk squirrels trying to navigate a world that is suddenly spinning around them.

This is especially prevalent after Halloween, when some households take a little too long to deal with all the carved pumpkins lying around, which makes somewhere around Nov. 17 the squirrel equivalent of St. Patrick’s Day.

“Like you humans are ones to talk, with all your pumpkin spice bullshit.”

In July 2015, staff of an English private club came to work to find the place ransacked and the floor drenched in a lake of beer. Initially assuming they had been robbed, they eventually discovered the culprit still inside the building — an extremely intoxicated squirrel who had managed to turn on the beer taps and proceeded to party like a squirrel in a beer lake.

That is its own idiom now.

#1. Bears In Russia Huff Jet Fuel

At some point, somebody in Russia needed to dispose of a whole bunch of barrels of aviation fuel, and they decided that the virtually inaccessible Kronotsky Nature Reserve was their best option. Years later, scientists discovered a curious side effect — local brown bears had learned to open the barrels and were getting high as balls on the fumes.

The bears of the region have become accustomed to huffing fumes from the barrels until they get higher than Sputnik, finishing their binge by digging a ditch in the snow and passing out. And they’ve become so addicted that, according to witnesses, they will gather to ambush landing helicopters and other aircraft, lured by the gasoline like the most hilarious Mad Max sequel possible.

Starring Imperator Furryosa.

Wildlife photographer Igor Shpilenok documented the perpetually stoned bears for seven months, watching as they not only congregated to get high on fuel barrels but obsessively sniffed the ground under landing helicopters for the lingering scent of dripping fuel, like a desperate alcoholic slurping whiskey residue out of an ashtray.

Those pilots better watch it, lest the bear get a hankering for some beer nuts.

Naturally, this is Russia, so we’re not exactly surprised that animals are finding a way to get as drunk as their human compatriots. In fact, in Ukraine, there are even programs designed to detox alcoholic bears. And now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to buy a plane ticket and fulfill a lifelong dream of getting hammered with a bear.

It’s not just a Grindr tagline anymore.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/07/6-animals-that-get-high-more-than-humanitys-biggest-stoners/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162722934392

6 Animals That Get High More Than Humanity’s Biggest Stoners

Aww, look at that cute little animal doing human stuff. He thinks he’s people! He’s pushing a little cart, he’s wearing a hat, now he’s buying a speedball off of Scritchy Saul and overdosing in an alley! Yes, animals like to get just as recreationally wasted as us humans do. Sometimes, even more so …

#6. Gorillas Get Drunk As Fuck On Bamboo Wine

Gorillas have every reason to be stressed out. They’re critically endangered, their trees keep getting knocked down, poachers keep trying to shoot them … how do they deal with this day-to-day nightmare? The same way that we would: by getting riggity-riggity-wrecked, son!

“Gimme a double — Flash kicked my ass twice tonight.”

Gorillas in the mountains of Rwanda have discovered a local form of bamboo with naturally alcoholic sap. The locals call it ulanzi, or “bamboo wine.” The gorillas just call it “a damn good time.”

Curious George Takes A Ride On The Night Train

Wildlife photographer Andy Rouse discovered the jungle frat party when he went to Rwanda in search of a Gorillas In The Mist experience. What he found instead, in his own words, were “gorillas who were pissed.” As a result, he managed to take all of these great photographs that the embarrassed gorillas hope you don’t tag them in on Facebook. He’s also the first person in history to catch photographic evidence of gorilla hangovers:

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is not ripping your sponsor’s limbs off.

#5. Dogs In Australia Trip Balls On Toad Sweat

Since the 1930s, Australia’s wildlife has been waging a war of extinction against the cane toad, an animal that Australia deliberately and stupidly introduced to control the beetle population. In a country where every second rock you turn over is actually some kind of fucking rock-snake that can murder your entire family, it’s hard to believe that the king of the food chain is a goddamn toad, but cane toads are so poisonous that they kill anything that eats them, and this is a continent where everything is trying to eat you.

“Giant, snake-eating spiders? I’ll take a pound to go.”

But dogs are taking those cane toads and making cane-toad-ade. It turns out that the chemical cane toads excrete through their skin is a mild hallucinogenic in small quantities, which animals can experience by licking them. Since dogs are uniquely prone to licking everything they see, it’s a foregone conclusion that they would eventually figure out that toads get them high.

Finally, an explanation for why only Snoopy can see the Red Baron.

The drugged dogs run in circles, their pupils dilate, they stare into space, and generally act tripped-out. And, like any human drug, overindulgence can lead to health problems. That’s why Australia has rehab programs to get your dog off their debilitating toad addiction.

Because turn on, tune in, drop out, roll over, play dead is no way to go through life.

#4. Marmots Tear Apart Cars To Get Wasted On Antifreeze

Here’s the yellow-bellied marmot, an animal to which we have unwittingly introduced a debilitating drug addiction that costs us thousands of dollars a year:

And judging by this picture, it ain’t smack.

Antifreeze is straight-up poison to most animals, but it’s a less straight-up poison to the marmots at Sequoia and Yosemite National Parks in California, who have taken to lurking in gangs of four or five underneath cars in parking lots, then chewing through brake lines, radiator hoses, and whatever else needs compromising in order to get at the antifreeze. Up to 40 cars are damaged this way every year.

It’s like a pub crawl full of assholes who showed up five minutes after closing time.

It’s become such a problem that people have taken to fortifying their cars with tarps and chicken wire to discourage the junkie vandals. People have even been known to leave bowls of antifreeze nearby as a more easily accessible option, like some sort of wildlife methadone program.

The woodland version of security bars on a ghetto liquor store.

Marmots have even been known to accidentally hitch a ride and end up being taken out of their specific habitat, outside of which they can’t survive. And there’s nothing sadder than a homeless Marmot in a strange town, sitting at the corner of the off-ramp, his tiny paws resting on a sign reading “Y lie? Need money 4 antifreeze.”

#3. Dolphins Pass Pufferfish Around Like Joints

It’s common knowledge that the pufferfish is incredibly poisonous, but in very small quantities, its poison is a powerful narcotic. Humans have much safer methods of getting high, but dolphins have to take what they can get, and pods of dolphins have been found lightly gnawing on pufferfish for the singular goal of getting adorably smashed.

“What if the universe was one giant can of tuna, inside an even bigger can of tuna?”

This probably isn’t pleasant for the pufferfish, but the dolphins don’t kill it — instead, they pass it around like a joint, sucking on the unfortunate critter just long enough to feel its effects before giving it over to the next aquatic stoner. When all the dolphins are blitzed out of their minds, they simply let the fish go free while they float about in the ocean, much like you float about on that beanbag in the basement. We’re all, like, one species, man.

Maybe if more dolphins passed the puffer on the left-hand side, they’d quit being such raping, murderous assholes all the time.

#2. There Is An Epidemic Of Alcoholic Squirrels

It turns out that squirrels have an alcohol problem. Like, collectively, as a species. They’ve been known to seek out fruit that has been rotting in the sun, probably lured by the pungent aroma, but it doesn’t take much fermented fruit juice to give a squirrel a head rush. As a result, there are several videos on YouTube of drunk squirrels trying to navigate a world that is suddenly spinning around them.

This is especially prevalent after Halloween, when some households take a little too long to deal with all the carved pumpkins lying around, which makes somewhere around Nov. 17 the squirrel equivalent of St. Patrick’s Day.

“Like you humans are ones to talk, with all your pumpkin spice bullshit.”

In July 2015, staff of an English private club came to work to find the place ransacked and the floor drenched in a lake of beer. Initially assuming they had been robbed, they eventually discovered the culprit still inside the building — an extremely intoxicated squirrel who had managed to turn on the beer taps and proceeded to party like a squirrel in a beer lake.

That is its own idiom now.

#1. Bears In Russia Huff Jet Fuel

At some point, somebody in Russia needed to dispose of a whole bunch of barrels of aviation fuel, and they decided that the virtually inaccessible Kronotsky Nature Reserve was their best option. Years later, scientists discovered a curious side effect — local brown bears had learned to open the barrels and were getting high as balls on the fumes.

The bears of the region have become accustomed to huffing fumes from the barrels until they get higher than Sputnik, finishing their binge by digging a ditch in the snow and passing out. And they’ve become so addicted that, according to witnesses, they will gather to ambush landing helicopters and other aircraft, lured by the gasoline like the most hilarious Mad Max sequel possible.

Starring Imperator Furryosa.

Wildlife photographer Igor Shpilenok documented the perpetually stoned bears for seven months, watching as they not only congregated to get high on fuel barrels but obsessively sniffed the ground under landing helicopters for the lingering scent of dripping fuel, like a desperate alcoholic slurping whiskey residue out of an ashtray.

Those pilots better watch it, lest the bear get a hankering for some beer nuts.

Naturally, this is Russia, so we’re not exactly surprised that animals are finding a way to get as drunk as their human compatriots. In fact, in Ukraine, there are even programs designed to detox alcoholic bears. And now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to buy a plane ticket and fulfill a lifelong dream of getting hammered with a bear.

It’s not just a Grindr tagline anymore.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/07/6-animals-that-get-high-more-than-humanitys-biggest-stoners/