all is as all should be 🥂

Brendon Small’s Galaktikon and Metalocalypse

before i start, i want to thank @eternallyblight and @mariaclarareincarnate for bringing the potential connections between the “Murmaider” trilogy and Galaktikon to my attention. this post exists because of you both. this was also brought to you by too much caffeine. click here to enable me.

contains spoilers for all of Metalocalypse, including Army of the Doomstar. if you'd prefer to read on Google Docs, you can find that here.

Introduction

okay, my loves. Brendon Small’s Galaktikon.

here’s the thing—going into this analysis, i gave myself two rules: one, anything Brendon Small has said specifically about Galaktikon and its relationship to mtl does not matter. i didn’t even look up if he had said anything regarding it for that exact reason. i take a very death of the author approach when it comes to literary analysis, and that’s not because i think authors’ opinions don’t matter. i do, and i think it is important that we know what authors’ intentions were when it comes to their works. however, an author’s intentions also don’t matter once that work is out in the public. because in order for a text to continue to move and evolve once it has been published, readers need to continue to interpret it. if we focus solely on the author’s interpretations, that limits our own creative analysis and criticism, making the text stagnant. any analysis is valid, even if it isn’t what an author intended, so long as it’s not in direct contradiction with the text. that’s why i hate posts that are like, “you think the text is about x but it’s ACTUALLY about y.” if x isn’t a direct contradiction of y, then it can be about both.

secondly, because of all this, when i first started listening to Galaktikon and reading the lyrics for this post, i had this idea that i was going to keep it completely separate from mtl. yes, Brendon Small made both projects, yes there are common themes between the two, yes it’s impossible to listen to Galaktikon without hearing Nathan or Pickles or Ishnifus Meaddle. but i’m of the opinion that, if Galaktikon were directly related to mtl in any way, it would have mtl or Dethklok branding.

so—i’m looking at this from the perspective that Galaktikon, unlike the Murmaider trilogy (read my post analyzing those songs if you haven’t yet, this post serves as a continuation of it), is not important to understanding mtl or its lore. however, all this being said, i can’t deny that the parallels do still exist, that there are still common themes shared between the two projects. and that’s why this post is so long—i’m breaking down both the Galaktikon albums and pointing out the parallels between that story and the Murmaider trilogy. i have been told Galaktikon II’s story was Brendon’s original plan for the mtl finale, so i’ll look at parallels between that and AotD as well [note from the future: i wrote that before actually starting to analyze Galaktikon II! wow!! i underestimated everything!!! the sleeper has awakened!!!!]. but that’s what these are—cinematic parallels. it’s like, when you look at The Doomstar Requiem and Ishnifus Meaddle was killed and hung on a crucifix. that’s a parallel to jesus christ, but that doesn’t mean Ishnifus was jesus christ, or even this universe’s equivalent. no, that was Nathan.

hope that all makes sense.

another important thing: my dears, if you’ve read either of my previous song analysis posts, you’ll know i like to break down the entire song, get full context for symbolism and themes before analyzing. however, that’s just not going to be practical here. instead, i’m going to primarily summarize the stories presented in each song, with sparse lyrical citations where i feel necessary, and analyze from there. the lyrics are taken from Metal Archives. a lot of the primary summaries will be a bit redundant, especially if you’re familiar with the Galaktikon albums and stories, so try to at the very least make note of every time i use a pin emoji (📌)—those are the most important parts to my analysis. and final disclaimer, this is based solely off the music. i look at the Galaktikon briefly for small references, but it doesn’t matter to me.

sorry for the longest prologue in the world. let’s get started. pin count: 0

The Story of Galaktikon I

Triton

we begin with our protagonist (whom i'll be calling Triton since that's his name in the comics) racing through space, passing several star systems, constellations, galaxies along his way:

serpantis [sic] sextonis [sic] sersinus [sic] delphinus orion octonus [sic] andromeda poseidon

despite misspellings (thanks Metal Archives) these are all real areas of space that exist in our world: Serpentis, Sextans, Circinus, Delphinus, Orion, Octantis, Andromeda, and Poseidon. those last two i want to note right off the bat. Andromeda, which mtl fans will recognize andromeda as a reoccurring theme in the show, and Poseidon, which could either be referring to the NASA satellite or it could just be the greek name for the planet Neptune. i’m inclined to believe the latter at this point in time. but we’ll come back to both of these when it comes time for the analysis. for now, enjoy this: 📌 actually, we need two of those. 📌

Triton is unwillingly stepping into his role as protector of the universe, now that the gods have seemingly disappeared. Triton then speaks to someone who seems to be similar to him: someone who is

indestructible he is a man with god like [sic] strength the faster [he] flies the stronger he becomes

i would be inclined to believe this was just a pov-shift, but the following lines tell me that these are two different characters:

yes I must fly on gonna fly away cause you're gonna fly on too anyway

for the time being, i’ll refer to this other character as Triton’s rival (this is temporary don't worry).

the song ends with Triton looking to get out of where he is and get advice for his ongoing mission.

Prophecy of the Lazer Witch

this song is from the point of view of the titular Witch (Phyllis). she’s telling Triton that this “Black Love" (Lizyra) he referred to in the previous song is in danger and “will be abducted in dreams.” Phyllis tells Triton to let this all play out, que será será.

Phyllis also warns Triton of “a Beast [Beastblade] on a mountain” who is hiding his malicious intent so that he can manipulate Triton. Beastblade wants Triton’s power, and he wants to become immortal. Triton angrily leaves Phyllis, unwilling to believe her.

Beastblade

this song is from the point of view of Beastblade (duh lol). he is on the hunt and has just killed something (or someone). he then speaks about a “her,” someone he wants to claim. it seems though that he’s not interested in her specifically, but instead he just wants her to hurt someone else:

I'll own her I'll rule her it's over and I promise you that I'll take away the things that you trust the things that you love I'll find a way to share all my pain with you it's so easy for me she's so vulnerable

he’s talking to Triton here, in my opinion, and that’s where it becomes clear that Triton’s rival and Beastblade are the same being. so this “her” he’s referring to is Lizyra. this gives us a total of four characters.

Deathwaltz

BEASTBLADE IS MAKING THE MOVES ON LIZYRA AND IT GIVES MY DYKE ASS THE ICK. “my god I’m so into you” go to THERAPY. [i wrote this line before reading the comic and wee that there actually is therapy in this world, i'm literally so fucking smart.]

definitely comes off like he’s just gonna charm her, but she’s not into it, so the manipulation starts :) he clearly wants to try to make it seem like this was her choice, but he’s. very transparent in his intentions:

i can read your thoughts you're mind's made up you know you've got no will you're mine to break it's your chance you better take it now

Truth Orb and the Kill Pool

the toxic gossip train is pulling into the station (reference that will age poorly, i’m sure). word around the galaxy is Beastblade and Lizyra are getting it on. Triton is totally fine guys he’s totally fine with it. he’s fine. this is fine. he’s fine.

anyway once he’s done being a jealous idiot, he realizes she’s in danger, obviously, but saving her would put him in danger too! cry me a fucking river.

this whole section is here is fascinating to me

your identity is known kill the deity right now it's moving forward will no one help her she's begging screaming they just stand there you know it's gonna get darker you know that a storm will brew you know you're gonna lose everything how can you do it when you know she wouldn't do it for you

so…Triton knows what he has to do. he had to save her, he has to kill Beastbladethe Beast, no one else can do it. but he’s terrified, and he’s also convinced that she wouldn’t do the same for him. whether this is because of his jealousy or because his feelings for her were always one-sided, i don’t know yet. but, see this? 📌 i’m jabbing this through this section. here’s a few more: 📌 📌 📌 we’re gonna fucking need those.

You Can’t Run Away

Beastblade is now taunting Triton. he’s trying to manipulate him, put him “under [his] control,” by telling him that he’s stalking him, he knows everything about him, he has Lizyra. but at the same time, if Triton wants to put an end to it, he’d be risking his life and Lizyra’s. [edit: the comics show that this is mostly Beastblade taunting Lizyra. close enough, doesn’t change much.]

Arena War of the Immortal Masters

this song could be from both Triton’s or Beastblade’s pov. i’m honestly not sure—both, maybe? it doesn’t matter, it’s just about them finally meeting and getting ready to engage in this epic battle.

Dangertits

this song is instrumental. so, why am i even bringing it up? i don’t know. maybe the song title is funny. maybe because Brendon has a habit of giving characters names that are just [noun]-[body part]. 📌 

On My Way

look at what the first fucking verse of this song is:

And now poseidon is dead and i spread black love like fire and i have killed all desires i am a machine

POSEIDON. Beastblade was Poseidon this whole time. Brendon Small, you really got me, thinking in that first song that Poseidon was another space reference. no, it was just the god of the sea, no big deal. except that this actually didn’t answer anything, take this: 📌

anyway, now Triton is all fucked up. he won the battle, but at the cost of most of his physical form, becoming part machine. he also now has this reputation of being a hero, and others want his services—

apparently now I'm needed and none of the warnings heeded now I'm in this too because of you.

he’s haunted by the ghosts of this adventure, Beastblade and Lizyra, and it’s taking an immense mental toll on him:

who will i battle this time is it the beast or she i can't believe I'm still learning that I'm my worst enemy every time.

and the song ends with Triton saying goodbye to Lizyra and moving on from this. almost like Lizyra didn’t mean to him what he thought she meant. 📌

———

and that, my dears, is the story of Galaktikon I. pin count: 9

Galaktikon II: Become the Storm

Some Days Are for Dying

we’re starting off swinging boys—bloody star in the sky threatening the planet. but Triton really doesn’t want to deal with this end of the world nonsense, doesn’t even feel like he can do anything to help.

The power of my words They mean fucking nothing

he’s unsure of who to trust, only knows he has to drown Beastblade.

The planet will be drowned in a sea of cosmic metal

[deep breath in, deep breath out] 📌📌📌

Icarus Six Sixty Six 📌📌

now this one is fairly standard all around. Triton is flying his ship through space. his ship starts to break down, so he lands, calls his ship mother 📌, and, well…

fasten the cable The speakers check out And the AMP is able Stereo stereo 📌

anyway he gets his ship back working again and heads out.

The Agenda

a voice is speaking to Triton. or, maybe not our protagonist? they are telling him that they understand him when no one else does, that all his friends hate him. 📌 the voice suggests that Triton turn away from his friends and his duty, manipulating him with dreams of grandeur.

The Ocean Galaktik

more voices, my loves! this time it’s sea creature voices ooohh. not even gonna pin this one, we all know. we ALL KNOW. the majority of this song is just expressing the aesthetic of having visions of underwater friends, so let’s look at the actually juicy part:

Though we all must die we don't all live See the world below reform Speak the words and call the storm In this waking dream I feel a pulse I see a heart of steel and gears that move Just like a clock Bodies on the ocean floor fade away Replaced by the queen of this fantasy The voice of this god has revealed herself I bow unto the beast queen alive (And she said) We are the sky We are now the dust from the stars We are the rain We own the light I'm ready to serve my planet now

my loves, do you even need me to analyze this? i’m asking this in earnest—am i wasting your time alongside mine? truly, what are we doing on this earth. oops, all pins 📌📌📌📌

My Name Is Murder 📌

tone shift, darlings. now we’re doing some fun killing. this person we’re following almost certainly isn’t Triton. not just because this story seems to be a continuation of “The Agenda” as opposed to “The Ocean Galaktik,” it would be a wild shift from “let’s help the planet” to “hey let’s kill.” for now let’s just refer to them as the Traitor.

anyway, hey let’s kill. we get word of blasphemers and false gods. this character is told by…someone….to just kill as many fuckers as possible. they are also very much aware that their actions are going to shock everyone, that this is a betrayal. 📌 

Become the Storm

The army destroyed now Yet we still survive

damn that’s crazy i’m running out of pins so you don’t get one here.

anyway Triton and his friends have barely survived this betrayal and now they gotta figure something else out.

Fuse the elements With thunder and lightning Become the storm

they are willing to die to defeat Beastblade at this point, pushing him from the land to the water. they still don’t consider themselves soldiers though, just people achieving their destiny.

Nightmare

whoever this is now (i’m unsure at this point [edit from the future: I KNOW NOW], feels like it is most likely the Traitor) laments their current state. they used to be something else, something better than this, but they have fallen so far. they say they’re not Mephistopheles but others think they are. huh okay 📌 they call themselves the darkness that Triton feels, they are

half of what i used to be 📌

and they say that they will wait and see how their life unfolds.

Could This Be the End

climax time! Triton and his allies are about to stand off against Beastblade.

i forgot to mention the falcon imagery in this fucking album and in mtl but this is TOO LONG YOU DON’T GET ANY OF THAT.

ANYWAY

The star is getting nearer Spin the wheel It's a coffin for them all Make them kneel Submit or be gone

it’s getting to the point where it seems as though they might not win this fight. Triton and his allies (THERE’S APPARENTLY FIVE OF THEM WOW OKAY COOL) are going to be sacrificed for Beastblade to gain his ultimate power, and they have accepted their fates. 📌 

To Kill a God

Triton and his allies are going to continue this fight, no matter what. using the power of the ice, snow, and ocean, they start to surround the beast. 📌 Triton is referred to as a warlock. the sky opens so that Beastblade can ascend.

Exitus

they’re gonna drown Beastblade out of the Traitor GUYS 📌 i know y’all already knew this i was so late to the Galaktikon party.

anyway, the seek to drown Beastblade even if it could mean death. they drown out Beastblade, fighting to make sure the Traitor doesn’t die.

And now we stand here believers A pentagram of black faith And now we pity the demons And now we march forth that way Our darkened ship will sail on now our flag will fly in display And we own our strength now And with our sword we will reign

they’ve managed to defeat Beastblade, and they are alive. the five of them. black faith. etc. 📌 📌

Rebuilding a Planet

this is an instrumental song. so…they rebuild their planet after it survived the war with Beastblade.

———

wow. Galaktikon II is really fucking familiar ISN’T IT.

pin count: 31

Bonus

Ghosthorse

this i just wanted to include because wow Brendon Small is a horse girl isn’t he.

Analysis

my loves. i feel insane. this is less of a fully formed analysis and more of rambles regarding all the moments i felt were significant.

let’s start by taking each of these pins out, one by one, song by song, and see where it leads us.

“Triton” (2 pins)

these pins are for the mentions of both Andromeda and Poseidon.

to make a long story short, Andromeda’s mother brags that she [it’s actually unclear if this is referring to Andromeda or her mother] is more beautiful than the sea nymphs (known as nereids) and Poseidon doesn't like that. he floods Andromeda’s and her family’s home island and sends a sea monster (Cetus) to ravage the island. Cetus won’t be sated until Andromeda is sacrificed to him, so her dad chains her up naked as a sacrifice until Perseus (an iconic hero figure who shows up a LOT in greek mythology) kills Cetus and rescues her. that’s her story. so, when the figure of Andromeda has shown up in mtl, it’s been in two very important contexts: one, she was the namesake of the song Dethklok had to write on the spot when they were abducted in season 4, and it played while a harem of dozens of abducted women escaped and killed all their captors; two, she was ALSO the namesake for the new deepest part of the ocean where dethklok recorded the majority of their album with Abigail (Andromeda’s Crevice). so in mtl, we see Andromeda associated both with women escaping captivity and with water—this matches her original myth fairly well. as for in Galaktikon, this is likely just a reference to the real life andromeda galaxy, but pointing out this specific galaxy when Brendon has had a history of referencing the Andromeda myth is significant. oh, one other small thing: uh, Andromeda references seem to go hand-in-hand with Abigail, don’t they? they appear in both her introductory episode and the episode wherein she (inadvertently, not her fault, i’m not blaming her in any way) drives a rift between Nathan and Pickles, and the rest of Dethklok in tandem. again, as i first alluded to in the prequel, i don’t think Abigail is meant to be a direct analog to Andromeda—that just doesn’t work. but the connections to the water and being used as bait/a sacrifice for something they had nothing to do with are pretty clear links. i have more i can say about Andromeda specifically, but that will have to wait for my full breakdown of Dethklok’s entire discography. but regarding Galaktikon specifically, that’s pretty much all to say.

as for the Poseidon connection, this could be as simple as a reference to the water god—Brendon used the more recognizable term Poseidon to specifically reference divinity, as opposed to the term Neptune which is more commonly associated with the planet. in my “Murmaider” trilogy analysis, i hypothesize that the water god of the mtl universe is Salacia. so that would be the parallel, too. but i also mentioned the NASA satellite Poseidon. guess what guys. guess what this fucking satellite is for. IT’S FOR MEASURING THE TOPOGRAPHY OF EARTH’S OCEANS. (this will also come up later in my full analysis of Dethklok’s discography, which probably won’t come till 2024, sorry.) SO, regardless of what Brendon was intending for this Poseidon mention to be alluding to, it all comes back to the goddamn water.

“Truth Orb and the Kill Pool” (4 pins)

Lizyraso, let’s start with the obvious—for the most part, Triton is a parallel to Nathan, Lizyra is a parallel to Abigail, and Beastblade is a parallel to Salacia. the first thing i point out in this song is the rumor that Lizyra and Beastblade are hooking up, when in reality, he had abducted her. this doesn’t line up exactly in mtl, as in mtl, Abigail is abducted by Magnus and the Revengencers, and there aren’t any rumors about any elicit affairs (thank GOD). however, this is why i didn’t want to make any explicit statements of which Galaktikon characters are analogs for which mtl characters. because Galaktikon, the first album anyway, is more interested in the typical dynamic of a male hero having to save his female love interest from the Big Bad.

because even though Abigail IS someone Nathan is concerned with saving, she was never important to it. if anything, she was just additional insurance on the off-chance Toki wasn’t enough. but Toki WAS enough. Nathan shows concern for Abigail for like ten seconds because she’s not there to suck his dick, but the rest of the narrative focus is on Toki. i’m not gonna get into how fucked that is, it’s not important right now. but that’s where the parallels between Beastblade and Magnus and Toki and Lizyra start manifesting—Magnus manipulates Toki into trusting him. so Lizyra can represent both Abigail and Toki, just not both of them at the same time; same with Beastblade representing both Salacia and Magnus, but not both at the same time.

Brendon also fucks with the typical “man save woman love interest” narrative in Galaktikon. as far as we can tell, Triton and Lizyra are not actually romantically involved. [edit: they were, but the comics begin with them literally getting divorced.] he likes her, but it’s completely one-sided. and that mirrors Nathan and Abigail, for sure. but you know what else i think about when i look at this song, specifically the lyrics i isolated earlier?

[William:] “Because if that were me in there, none of you would come to save me anyhow.” [Nathan:] “You’re out of your mind. Because if that were you inside, I’d use every breath and risk my life for you.” all i can think of during this song are, of course, the first act of The Doomstar Requiem when Dethklok are just fucking around and refusing to help save Toki and Abigail because of their own fears (despite the fact that the anxiety about those two being kidnapped are clearly affecting them), but then William. William being so convinced that his family wouldn’t risk their lives to save his the way they’re doing so for his sister. “you know it's gonna get darker / you know that a storm will brew / you know you're gonna lose everything / how can you do it when you know she wouldn't / do it for you” in this moment, i don’t see Triton as Nathan—i see him as William, angry and scared and insecure about his own place in the band. Nathan does tell him he’s wrong, but i’m sure that William isn’t buying it at first, both because he’s slowly being possessed by Salacia and because all those insecurities are still present come AotD.

all this to say, Triton is anxious about his relationship with Lizyra, and this draws two parallels back to mtl—Nathan and Abigail, and William and the rest of the band.

“Dangertits” (1 pin)

hey remember how i said i was just bringing this up because Brendon has a bad habit of naming characters [noun]-[body part]? and remember how this song takes place in between the protagonist finally going in to face off against the beast and the victory? you know what else happens in between a moment of self-doubt and the ultimate climax? the fucking scene on the roof with Murderface. just another fun parallel, that’s all. just thought it worth pointing out.

“On My Way” (2 pins)

so, this song confirms that Beastblade was Poseidon—or at least, a god of the sea. that would absolutely prove my Murmaider theory if it weren’t for the fact that in Galaktikon I, Beastbladeis primarily a parallel to MAGNUS NOT SALACIA. so i don’t take it as proof of anything, except a further connection of water gods being villains in Brendon’s works.

the other thing here is the ending. Triton and Lizyra are separated, and Triton cyborg-core now. this foreshadows Nathan’s and Abigail’s “breakup,” but obviously only in hindsight, since the ending of The Doomstar Requiem initially implied that they were in a real relationship now (thank GOD THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN, I CAN’T STRESS THAT ENOUGH). but Triton is left with so much self-doubt, still imagining he’ll have to face off against Beastblade or even Lizyra. and, again, this foreshadows AotD with Beastblade taking the form of Salacia and Lizyra being, well…Abigail, in a sense. but…also Dethklok as a whole. but we’ll be right back with that soon.

so, Galaktikon I parallels The Doomstar Requiem pretty clearly. Galaktikon’s narrative is a bit more straight forward for sure, and it’s missing some crucial parts in DSR, such as the separation from Charles, the Depths of Humanity and broke musicians sequence, etc. but again, that’s to be expected—these are two different stories just with similar narrative beats.

anyway, Galaktikon II made me wonder if i should even bother making this post since it’s so goddamn obvious. but i made a promise that i would look into it, so…let’s go.

“Some Days Are for Dying” (3 pins)

the bloody star is the doomstar, moving on.

Triton is very clearly a parallel to Nathan here i won’t even beat around the bush—Brendon even performs most of the songs about the protagonist with death growls, what can i fucking say (this is gonna be important later). Triton doesn’t want to be a hero anymore, and he’s incredibly insecure of his own abilities.

just like Nathan, Triton knows that he has to use the power behind his words to stop Beastblade. because if he doesn’t, metal will melt the earth.

“Icarus Six Sixty Six” (4 pins)

before we even get INTO THE LYRICS OF THIS SONG i have two things to say.

Icarus. another Greek mythological figure. he and his dad were imprisoned on and island, and they came up with the plan to make themselves wings to fly off the island. they made the wings out of wax and feathers, and they worked. Icarus’s dad was like, “yeah this works but they’re still wax so don’t be an idiot.” his dad escaped, but Icarus was too busy enjoying flying that he flew too high—he got too close to the sun, and the heat melted the wax, and he fucking died. so here, when we see Triton flying around in space, there’s the risk that he too will get so carried away by his power that he leads to his own downfall.

six sixty six. 666. the number of the beast, according to the Bible. uh-oh guess Beastbladeis still here.

this one isn’t important, just Triton associating his ship with the concept of motherhood. where have i seen that before? oh yeah; Pickles being the Dethklok mother and also being depicted as a pilot in MULTIPLE instances—piloting the hover drums in “Rehabklok,” piloting the “Hatredcopter” (along with Nathan), piloting the ship in the music video for “The Galaxy,” and, of course, piloting the dethjet in AotD (“Toki be a good boy and go bring mommy his scotch, i got this”).

and then Triton gets his ship working again by reconnecting some cables, checking the speakers and the amp…in AotD, those are being used to connect the speaker to project the Song of Salvation to the rest of the world. again, it’s not a one-to-one parallel, but it does reinforce, yet again, the theme of music being used by the protagonists in Brendon’s works as their own power.

“The Agenda” (1 pin)

this is a parallel to Murderface being possessed by Salacia, someone is being possessed and having their will manipulated. moving on.

“The Ocean Galaktik” (4 pins)

this song is so obvious to me about its connections to AotD, i don’t even wanna look at it because i know you all see it too. but eternallyblight brought this song up specifically in the tags of my Murmaider analysis. so, let’s look at it through THAT lens.

Triton is getting messages from an aquatic being. she does have immense power, and is likely a deity of some kind—Whale Prophet tease.

Triton sees a heart of gears. a clock. once again, the gods of Brendon’s worlds are associated with time’s arrow. i could write another post as long as this one just about the clock symbolism. but here’s the important thing: both Triton and Nathan having to accept the fact that time doesn’t stop for them, and instead they have to play their part in life.

the deity in this song is referred to as the Beast Queen. so this ties her to Beastblade, at the very least in name. in my Murmaider analysis, i theorized that Salacia and the Whale Prophet, though enemies now, were tied to one another via the sea, that Salacia had been the water god long ago. and in Galaktikon, Beeastblade and the Beast Queen have a similar relationship. we don’t know if they had a similar history, but they are connected to each other. Brendon uses the term “beast” to refer to gods of immense power, gods related to the ocean and to space. now, if you think i’m bringing this all up to draw a parallel to “I Am the Beast”…that would be hilarious. but i’m not—that song has nothing to do with this, that song is about Nathan doing puppy play. no, i’m bringing this up because of a line that the Whale Prophet said to Nathan during his vision with her in AotD that has haunted me for nearly three months now and that i never see ANYONE MENTION: “You are the beast daughters of the apocalypse.” i’m sorry, you WHAT. the Whale Prophet is likening Dethklok to beast figures, particularly in reference to the apocalypse. so—if Brendon has a habit of reusing certain symbols across his projects, that would make Dethklok gods as well. wow who the fuck would have thought.

the Beast Queen makes this explicit to Triton, telling him that he and her are the same—they are forces of the ocean and of space. and that is enough to make Triton ready to do what he has to do. and this is a sharp turn away from how this scene went in AotD. while Nathan does leave his conversation with Her ready to perform the song, he performs the wrong song despite knowing it was the wrong song. that doesn’t seem like someone who was ready to serve his planet, the way Triton is at this point—that instead seems like someone who is still terrified and insecure of his own abilities, desperate not to help but to just make all this world-saving shit end.

“My Name Is Murder” (2 pins)

his name is murder? damn that’s crazy William Murderface Murderface Murderface anyway.

so, possession time. the interesting thing, though, is that it’s easy to look at Murder (that’s what i’m calling this character it’s his name he literally told me so) seems to be a different character from Triton. and that’s like…obviously. Triton just decided he was gonna save the world, but Murder is being possessed by Beastblade to do the opposite. and in the context of AotD, yeah, those are two different characters—Nathan and William. but also…in the context of AotD, William isn’t acting on Salacia’s will the entire time he’s possessed by him. he’s still going along with the band to Deus Keep, doing those trust exercises, working on the songs. he’s helping to save the world. he’s also betraying them. so do you know what i’m getting at here? Murder and Triton are the same person. damn, bet you didn’t think i’d be using Metalocalypse to explain Galaktikon, huh? thought it would be the other way around, didn’t you? surprise bitch, hold on, there's more to come.

“Nightmare” (2 pins)

so i initially pinned this song as being from the pov of Murder—the Murderface analog, if you will. but now that i think that those two characters are both Triton, where does that leave us? it leaves us with a goddamn motherfucking Mephistopheles reference. Mephistopheles is a German demon who first appeared in the story Faust—Mephistopheles is the devil’s agent who mediated the deal Faust makes with the devil. SO. if this character is Triton, who has just betrayed his friends and led to this ultimate destruction of the world, then right now his friends are looking at him at someone with demonic connections, with someone who had tried to get them to destroy their own souls for this life. and now this was the price they were paying. but he’s not Mephistopheles. he wasn’t trying to manipulate anyone, he was the one being taken advantage of. drawing to AotD parallels again, this does naturally diverge yet again—Dethklok wasn’t angry at William for his actions for even a second because they knew it wasn’t him (funnily enough, whoever it was that William met in the Depths of Humanity in The Doomstar Requiem was actually our Mephistopheles analog). and again, that’s why i see this character as Triton—because if we look at him as the current analog of Nathan, Nathan is the one whom others are angry at after the destruction, namely Pickles. because fucking of course they would be—he didn’t write the right song, and he knowingly performed the wrong song because he let his own insecurities get to him. but simply in the context of Galaktikon…Triton had to live with the fact that he used to be a hero, but he threw all that away while under Beastblade’s control.

this song is sung entirely in clean vocals. entirely. this and “The Ocean Galaktik” are the only two songs like this, with “My Name Is Murder” being the only song sung entirely in harsh vocals. every other song in this album (except “Rebuilding a Planet,” of course) utilizes both vocal styles to varying degrees. i’m pretty fucking sure Brendon reserves the clean singing for moments that are directly tied to Triton, harsh singing for moments that directly tied to the Beast—this includes moments following whomever it is that the Beast has possessed while they are enacting the Beast’s will. my biggest evidence for this is that “The Ocean Galaktik” is sung completely in a clean style, and “My Name Is Murder” is sung completely in a harsh style. so, in pointing all this out… the entirety of “Nightmare” is sung clean. all of it. “Nightmare” is about whomever it is that has been possessed and has betrayed Triton’s goal in saving the world. and “Nightmare” is from Triton’s point of view. i very firmly believe this. this is the absolute primary difference between Galaktikon and Army of the Doomstar: this is like if it were Nathan who had gotten possessed—or, even more delicious, all of Dethklok. but again, this ain’t about them. but there’s my evidence, you can’t change my mind. [editor's note: also look at this panel from the Galaktikon comic i found right before posting this, i'm literally correct:]

“Could This Be the End” (1 pin)

it’s the scene with Dethklok on the death march towards Salacia’s Falconback thing. whatever. it’s that whole scene, we get it, moving on.

“To Kill a God” (1 pin)

so the reference to the power of the ocean obviously mirrors the reoccurring themes of the sea and going into the water and the whale prophet in mtl. something something, Murmaider trilogy theory. but the ice and the snow have less of a clear mtl parallel. i would say it is most directly connected to the fact that this battle takes place in Batsfjord, Norway, in a snowy expanse. oh but also melted ice is a theme in “Horse of Fire,” a song that to me is also very clearly about the climax at AotD. but i still haven’t done my Dethklok discography analysis yet, so i can’t tell you exactly what it’s a reference to—look, snow and ice and the ocean are all different forms of water, that’s all that’s actually important.

“Exitus” (3 pins)

so here is where we see another stark difference in the order of events between Galaktikon II and AotD, if we were to take them as direct, literal analogs.

now is where they’re finally submerging Murder in the water until Beastblade is driven out of him. we all were fucking broken during that scene with Murderface in AotD, i don’t gotta get into it. but, see, i had put forth the idea that Murder and Triton are the same character. i still firmly believe that, here’s more evidence.

the fact that this happens AFTER the climactic battle with Beastblade. like, think about it, really—why would Triton go into battle against Beastblade knowing that one of his allies has betrayed him? now, you could make the argument that the protagonist didn’t know, but “Nightmare” makes it pretty clear that Murder has been found out. my theory is this: Triton was discovered to have betrayed his allies, and this conflict is what drove the ridge between them that allowed for Beastblade to capture them, even momentarily. next question i expect y’all to ask is, “but if Triton is Murder, why is the narrator of the song (presumed to be Triton) speaking to him?” well…i relistened to both Galaktikon albums while working on this, and i made note of every time Brendon used clean vocals and every time he used harsh vocals. he utilizes various different styles of both i need his vocal cords so goddamn bad, so my rule of thumb was basically, if he sounds more like Pickles or Ishnifus, it was clean, if he sounds more like Nathan or Magnus, it was harsh. you might have noticed some of the lyrics i cited were in bold—those were lyrics that were sung in a harsh vocal style. this verse i’ve isolated features both clean and harsh vocals. even as Triton is proclaiming his victory, the Beast is reminding him that he’s still here. but guess what?

the lines i’ve bolded aren’t just harsh vocals, they’re harsh backing vocals to the primary clean vocals. and during this whole verse, the harsh vocals are fading. the Beast is finally leaving. they won, but they couldn’t win until they had destroyed the primary version of the Beast, leaving behind just a small enough fragment of him that they could drown him out.

ADDRESSING THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM (Murmaider)

eternallyblight, who originally helped to inspire this analysis, first posited the following: Where do I think “The Ocean Galaktik” fits into my Murmaider theory?

and. wow. that original question REALLY got away from me, i’m so sorry that i promised you this answer WEEKS ago and just made you read over 6,700 words to finally get to it.

ultimately, my Murmaider theory burns down to this: Salacia, who was also a god who lived in the water, murdered the Whale Prophet’s child, so mermaids attempted to kill him in revenge. they failed, but they did leave him near death and at only a fraction of his power, splitting the Four Souls from him. the Whale Prophet, disguised as a shark to manipulate him, kept tabs on Salacia as he tried to gain his power back, and he went on a reign of terror until he started to get paranoid. he fled the ocean when he felt the Whale Prophet closing in, and he was warned that in order to gain his strength back, he has to align himself with the Four Souls, the Tribunal, and Dethklok. however, he doesn’t ally himself with Dethklok the way he does the Tribunal, and in trying to use their divine power for evil, it backfires, and when Dethklok use the Dethlights to force Salacia over the water, the Whale Prophet is able to finally take revenge. my Galaktikon analysis is very firmly in the idea that these are two separate stories, despite their parallels. but, if we do look at Galaktikon II as a rough draft of Army of the Doomstar (which mariaclarareincarnate informed me it essentially was)…then i’m fucking right in my theory. i’m fucking correct, let’s go.

as i mentioned when i covered “The Ocean Galaktik,” Triton calls this analog to the Whale Prophet a “Beast Queen,” inherently aligning her with eastblade…and then, in parallel, aligning the Whale Prophet with Salacia. despite their current differences now, these two godly figures are ultimately of the same origin. going even farther: “You are the beast daughters of the apocalypse.” [0:41:00, Army of the Doomstar]

Dethklok were divinely conceived by the Whale Prophet. all of them were, not just Nathan. Nathan, for whatever reason, was just the one who was closest with Her—maybe because he grew up closest to the ocean, in Florida. i would be inclined to say, “because he’s the frontman,” but all of them have the capacity to be a vocalist. Pickles could’ve very easily have been the vocalist if he wanted to (and i guess if they weren’t a death metal band, but…y’know). anyway, despite Nathan being Her favorite little babygirl, this doesn’t change the fact that all of Dethklok are Her babygirls. this isn’t just me being quirky guys—She called them the BEAST DAUGHTERS. i’m going fucking insane, why has no one else talked about this??? i’m sure someone has i just haven’t seen it, i am but one autism creature.

Skwisgaar wasn’t just being an egotistical diva when he said he was immaculately conceived and when he calls himself a guitar god: he’s right.

and isn’t that the perfect revenge? Salacia had killed the Whale Prophet’s child centuries, if not millennia, ago, and now her new children are going to fucking eviscerate him.

Final Thoughts

yeah, you’d have to be a fucking idiot to miss the parallels between Galaktikon and Metalocalypse. Galaktikon I is The Doomstar Requiem, Galaktikon II is Army of the Doomstar, blow me, whatever. but the thing that i ultimately find most interesting about this are the ways in which these stories are different. Galaktikon is a space epic, Metalocalypse is an aquatic horror. Galaktikon is about one man, Metalocalypse is about a family. Galaktikon is ultimately more of a traditional monomythic story than anything, and Metalocalypse, while also monomythic in essence, is far more interested in the interpersonal relationships between the band members than anything else—the mystic lore underlying the majority of the series and ultimately inciting Army of the Doomstar kind of doesn’t matter. because if we take away all the otherworldly elements of Metalocalypse, do you know what we’re still left with? we’re still left with five idiots who learned to openly love each other, we’re still left with Nathan telling Pickles that he needs him in his life, we’re still left with them all sacrificing their own safety to rescue Toki in The Doomstar Requiem, we’re still left with them calling each other brothers and their family. we strip the mysticism from Galaktikon, and we don’t have a story…at all.

neither of those are inherently good or inherently bad. they’re different. Galaktikon is just more open about being a fantasy/sci-fi epic, whereas 95% of the time Metalocalypse is “haha horror comedy about death metal” until they slap you in the face with intense found family love and codependency or the very complex lore.

if i have any conclusion to this analysis, it’s that Brendon Small is based as fuck for not forcing heterosexual romances into narratives that imply as such. thank god he’s consistent in giving women characters the agency to reject the men protagonists’ advances. Brendon Small, lesbian ally of my entire life.

thanks for reading. i have more mtl analyses planned in the future. if you liked this, i hope you share it, and if you didn’t like it, click here. and click there if you loved this, also.

Review #149: John Prine, John Prine

The genius of John Prine is that he skillfully sang stories of any kind of lost overlooked person with wit and a wink, but never mean spirited or punching down. He sings a gentle dignity and grace into every character in his songs. Some of them are flawed. Some of them are hopeless. Some of them are dim-witted. Some of them are victims of terrible circumstance. Some of them are terribly lonely. Each one is worthy of a song and the humanity it bestows upon them. Who knows if they are real people, but I do know that they definitely represent very real people. Veterans. Unhappy couples. Seniors. Disillusioned citizens wondering why entire generations were sent overseas to die, or sent overseas only to return empty, vacant, abandoned and addicted.

It’s sad. It makes me sad. I don’t often get through this record without crying a little. I see the faces of those in my life who haven’t been able to escape their demons, or break cycles of trauma. To their detriment, to the detriment of us all. But despite their flaws, they’re humans, and they’re worthy of dignity and love too. I’m reminded that I’m a work in progress. After all, “to believe in this livin’, is just a hard way to go”. You’re damn right, John.

Whether you hear the message in the songs is really up to you. Even though some of them — Your Flag Decal Won’t Get You Into Heaven Anymore — are silly sounding, cheery-almost songs poking fun at empty patriotic displays — if you’re listening, you hear what he’s really saying. It’s a protest. Your God wouldn’t support this shit. I really believe it though, that plenty of people might hear these songs and tap their foot along happily, never really hearing the pretty stark criticism in it. It’s a choice.

Sam Stone is a man returning from conflict overseas, to be abandoned by the government in coping with this struggles, and in turn abandoning his family through his need to self-medicate. Again, who you are and how you see the world might dictate how you empathize towards Sam Stone:

“There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes

Jesus Christ died for nothin' I suppose

Little pitchers have big ears

Don't stop to count the years

Sweet songs never last too long on broken radios”

Each line suffocates you just a little bit more. Taking just a little bit of a sharper gasp of air to ward off an emotional response or to settle down the wobble of your chin. At least, it does if you were a little pitcher with big ears. A child wondering whether your Dad would make it to your game, your high school play, whatever it was. A child who knew how to recognize the subtle changes on the face of a man growing inevitably less sober. I suppose the point John is making — is that someone out there also knows and noticed the subtle changes on your little face too. The face you made each time you dared to hope and then had to let it die when you saw that your Dad was drunk, again. You had hope, but not for long. That sweet song didn’t last long, and you learned not to bother singing along, because the radio is shot to hell and it turned to static before you even got to the chorus. Eventually, maybe you even gave up on that radio and threw it out. Or maybe you hold onto dusty old broken things wishing that you could fix them. John saw you and had love for you. But he had love for Sam Stone, too, and recognized how he and all of us had been failed. I think that’s beautiful.

Hello In There is a song about growing older and growing increasingly more isolated. I thought about this song yesterday before I decided to review this album next. I was behind a frail, elderly man wearing overalls at the checkout at the grocery store who needed a hand. We interacted briefly, and he’s remained on my mind. If I’m lucky, I’ll be an old woman someday and I hope someone will talk to me at the grocery store checkout if I’m having a bit of a moment. Honestly, I hope someone will talk to me if I’m having a bit of a moment at the grocery store checkout tomorrow.

If you don’t know Angel from Montgomery, John wrote it for Bonnie Raitt, but his version is pretty definitive. The organ in it really does sound like flying. Or what I think it would feel like to fly. I think anyway. It’s fucking good.

In keeping with the big sad feels, there’s Far From Me, which paints a detailed picture of a deeply unhappy couple. We have all been there. I’m always struck by the observation “ain’t it funny how an old broken bottle, looks just like a diamond ring?”

One of my favorites, and maybe one of the few I don’t find too terribly sad, is Quiet Man. It’s got a real something to it. I don’t know what he was going for but it’s so cool and clever:

“Last Monday night I saw a fight

Between Wednesday and Thursday over Saturday night”

“Oodles of light, what a beautiful sight

Both of God’s eyes are shining tonight”

Recommend listening to the entire song for the full effect. I am unaware of any other song in existence that can utilize the word oodles and still be considered a masterpiece. But he gone done did it.

Listen, more than any other record this one truly brought me to Nashville. Here’s something I wrote in 2020 when John Prine died after a pretty long stint in the ICU with COVID. He was really one of the first people we lost in the pandemic. And it really hurt. It hurt because everyone in Nashville that’s been here for a minute knows what John Prine meant and means to this city. But he truly, truly, brought me here and made my life better:

“Nine years ago, I visited my cousin to help her move. It was my first visit to Nashville. We were looking for John Prine’s self-titled album everywhere (streaming wasn’t quite like, a thing yet, I guess). I think we found it at McKays, but I might be mistaken. Anyway, we listened to it on repeat that entire trip, and it always reminds me of the first time I came to Nashville, which two years later became my home and gave me everything. I love John Prine. I could listen to his songs forever, and I expect that I will. Oodles of light, what a beautiful sight.”

John knew how to live. He told us what to do. Blow up your TV. Throw away your paper. Plant a little garden. Eat a lot of peaches. It’s all sound advice and we should heed it more frequently. Next time you’re out, order a “Handsome Johnny”. Be kind but don’t be too serious, and listen to some good music.

lol

hi . idk. i was randomly rewatching a gaga interview from 2011 where she talks about listening to bruce springsteen with her dad and how she was always working so hard for his approval and how she always felt like she had been sinning and doing everything wrong since birth and was not good enough for him even though she loves him so much and how he used to be a punk kid himself but then he grew up and became a trump supporter but also he lost his sister when he was a teenager and didn't realize what was going on at the time and so she felt like he was so overprotective of her because he had lost his sister. i think i am so defensive of the joanne era bc i totally didn't get it at first. i thought it was a carefully calculated move to try and regain the public's trust through manufactured authenticity (and like, it is) but the whole criticism of "she wasn't even born when her aunt died" is so......yeah that is true but she grew up carrying her dad's trauma over it bc he projected it onto her probably without even meaning to and then i think of speechless and how she wrote it as someone reaching out to a lover or a friend that they can't reach because of alcohol or drugs but she wrote it for her dad, and "her boyfriend's like a dad, just like a dad" in alejandro and jo calderone as a representation of all her boyfriends but also clearly her dad and publishing her aunt's poetry in the liner notes for the fame and her and her team saying "joooooANNE!" before each performance and "my daddy and nebraska and jesus christ" in you and i like.....it is so fascinating to me that she essentially chased men who reminded her of her dad out of what i think she eventually realized was some twisted way of seeking her father's approval especially bc they were not talking when she first started gogo dancing and everything. joanne as an album (once you cut out all the bad songs) is probably.....somehow??? my favorite work of hers???? it had been the fame monster for years but joanne is just so unintentionally sincere BECAUSE she is trying so hard especially in retrospect where she can say something years after the fact like "i wrote this album for my dad but after i finished i felt worse than ever and i realized that i couldn't fix him" and thinking about how she got so depressed after the joanne era because i think she realized her entire career had been about her trying to "reform" herself for her dad to try and. idk ? be good enough for him??

idk i am just sitting here crying about lady gaga. LOL

anyway here's my ideal joanne tracklist:

a-yo

diamond heart

dancin in circles

john wayne

sinner's prayer

perfect illusion

joanne

million reasons

just another day

Heyy, i hope you are amazing and getting enough sleep and drinking enough water. But for the sleepover Can you have Tom and his brothers or cast mates reacting to readers (Ariana Grande) new video “34+35”. It doesn’t have to be smut seeing as how you don’t want to write smut.

i have a blurb where this is included in it, but if you want me to rewrite it you can send in the request again <3

requests are open

—

wc: 1.1k

Though Tom had helped you on some of the lyrics for the current tracks for your new studio album, he'd yet to hear any finished results or melodies (which was probably a good thing considering he started humming "needy," during a comic con event). 

You, as well as several of your friends from the studio, were gathered in Tom's living room, everyone spread out on their own seats. You were slightly nervous, worried about how the boys would react from your sudden switch from pop to R&B. 

"Ten minutes!" Harrison hollered from the kitchen, and a series of cheers went around as everyone continued what they were doing. It was a ritual, basically, to be together on release night like it was a New Year's countdown. Every new release meant the boys had something new to hear, so you also spent time going through each track and letting them decipher it as they pleased. 

An album was no different. 

Now, they'd already heard your leading single "positions," and you had to admit, their reactions when the words left your mouth were absolutely hilarious. 

You recalled the memory:

"Wait- what?" 

"Jesus Christ, Tom, you've turned her into a sex addict," Harry concluded. 

"I have- I have not!" 

You giggled, patting his shoulder while he processed the information. 

"Okay if it's not about sex then what's it about?" Harrison asked. 

You rolled your eyes, "I never said it wasn't about sex." 

"Oh," they concluded, each of their eyes widening. 

"I swear to god, Y/N, if you name drop me like you did Pete and Ri-'

"I didn't name drop anyone!" you laughed at him, hoping to relax him a little. "Tommy it's not like you're explicitly mentioned to be the inspiration. You just happen to have caused the lyrics, 's all." 

"That's gross," Harry interrupted. 

"Yeah, we don't need to hear about how much you love Tom's web shooter." 

___

"Five minutes!" Harrison shouted again. 

Tom had just returned from the kitchen, a fresh beer in his hand. He was coming over to you, sitting down softly and pulling you into his side, kissing your temple as you hummed. You intertwined your fingers, and he chuckled, giving your knuckles a kiss too. 

"You ready, love?"

"I think the question is 'are you ready?'" 

The two of you laughed just as Harrison and Harry had finally sat in their seats. They'd connected three wireless speakers to your phone, where you'd play the album for them for the first time. 

"Two minutes."

Tom looked down to you with a proud smile, and you pinched his cheeks. You found out later that Harry had captured the moment on film. 

Now, everyone was counting down the seconds, you included. Everyone was shouting excitedly, and you couldn't help but smile at the entire image. 

"Okay, okay," you quieted everyone. "Track number one: shut up. Are we ready?"

"Hell yeah," Harry raised his beer. 

"Hit it muchacha!"

You laughed, clicking the song. 

As the intro started, you saw each of their expressions. The beginning was sort of Disney-like, and quite easy to reminisce about childhood films. However, their expressions quickly changed once your voice rang through. 

You looked to Victoria with a satisfied grin, Tom's mouth agape and Harry's eyes wide as he tried not to spit out his beer.

"Guess it fuckin' just clicked one night," you sang along perfectly. 

Sam barely swallowed his drink before he spoke first. "Holy shit," he laughed. 

When the song ended, you paused the music, glancing to their faces in anticipation for one of them to speak first. 

"Well?" you smiled nervously. 

"It's quite.. Disney?"

"Yeah.." Harrison agreed with Sam. "But also very straight forward and holy shit you weren't playin' around."

"I quite like it," Tuwaine admitted. "It's very catchy."

"Okay, time for track two: 34+35."

"Oh man," Tom replied to you, putting his drink on the coffee table. "I've been dying to hear this one."

"Or at least know what it's about," Harry added. 

You rolled your eyes with a knowing-grin, clicking the track. They were quiet just as it started, but by the fourth line of verse one, they had finally figured out what it was about. 

"Fuck me till the daylight!" You sang, and Tom looked like he'd just wet his pants. 

"Baby you might need a seat belt when I ride it," you laughed with Tayla. 

Tuwaine seemed thoroughly amused by their reactions, playfully dancing along to the song. When the track came to a close, the realization seemed to have struck them just as you hummed out:

"Means I wanna 69 with ya... noooooo, shit." 

As you paused the song before the next track, Harrison was turning towards Tom with an open mouth, finger pointed to you. He wasn't forming words, and you giggled at them, encouraging them. 

"C'mon! Tell me what you think!" 

"I believe you when you said Tom is kinky," Harry deadpanned. 

Tom jutted his lip out, scrunching his brows together. "I am not! I have normal kinks!"

"I don't think 69 is a kink," Harrison concluded. 

"Or common," Sam pointed out. 

You laughed again, interrupting them. "It's not about Tom," you confessed. 

It was Tom's turn to look at you with wide eyes. "Are you just doing 69 with other gentlemen then?" 

"N-no," You spoke during laughs. "It's not from personal experience."

The five of them "oh'ed" and you laughed again with a nod. 

Forty minutes later and you were listening to the last track of the album, sad that it came so soon. 

"Ready?" 

"Let's do it," Harrison chugged the rest of his beer. Tom snuggled closer into your side and you kissed his cheek before pressing play. 

During this track, the boys didn't talk at all, which was peculiar to you. They didn't even react until you spoke once it ended. 

"Well? You guys were awful quiet? Do you like it-"

"It's really pretty," Tom confessed, a blush adorned on his cheek. 

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "It's almost soft compared to the rest." 

You nodded along, "Yeah, I'd think so too." 

"Who's it about?" Sam asked.  Your eyebrows went up, and he 'surrendered.'

"Well then," Harry stood up. "Congrats Y/N/N," he moved in to give you a hug and you returned it. "I'm gonna hit the sack." 

"Yeah same," Harrison said, repeating Harry's movements. 

By the time they'd all left, you and Tom were left alone cleaning up everything and washing dishes at one A.M.

"Can I ask who it's about?" 

"Which one?" You asked, scrubbing the bottom of a plate before handing it to him to rinse and dry. 

"The, uh- the last one." 

"Oh," you looked at the sponge in your hands. "It's about you." 

The tips of his ears reddened, and you had to will yourself not to laugh at it. 

"I really.. love it," he admitted almost bashfully, avoiding your gaze. 

"Well," you grabbed his hands despite the suds. "I really love you." 

I'll Love Her Still: Part 15 (Brian MayxFemale!Reader)- FINAL

Well, Tumblr dot com... this is it! This is the last piece of writing I'll post here. I will be reposting this fic in its entirety on AO3, but I wanted the last part of this story, this thing that I've dedicated three years (!!!) of my life to, to be posted originally in the the place that inspired me to write. Thank you all for an amazing chunk of my life- I'll love you all still ❤️.

TRIGGERS: If you don't like romance, stay far away from this conclusion

“Danny, listen to me,” you pleaded. The winter wind whipped around you, and you pulled your coat close to you. “It’s different this time.”

Danny rolled his eyes and took a drag on his cigarette, truly not believing that he was back in this scenario AGAIN. “Jesus Christ, you can be so aggravating.”

“DANNY.” His gaze softened when he saw how emotional you were getting. “This man… he’s in love with me. He wrote a song to tell me so, and when I listened to it, I knew that I love him too. I always have. And I have to get back there to tell him before he leaves for good and we both make a huge mistake.”

Danny bit his lip in thought. “Li-”

“Y/N,” you bit back tears. “Just fucking call me Y/N, Danny.”

Danny raised his eyebrows, but didn’t say anything, so you continued. “Please, Danny. I know that you hate me, and I know that neither of us have been really fair to each other. But he’s the one for me, and I’m the one for him. We belong to each other. Please,” you finished with a whisper.

Danny studied you for a moment. “He’s the one, huh?”

“Yes,” you said earnestly.

Danny nodded and murmured, “Please, God, make sure I never have to do this again,” as he pushed the stage door open for you.

You swore, if your mind weren’t so fixated on Brian, you could have thrown your arms around Danny and kissed him. “Thank you!!”

You didn’t even wait to hear his response before plowing past him into the backstage area. You might have heard people calling out to you to say hello, but the thrumming of your heart drowned them out. Finding Brian was your only mission, your only purpose. You couldn’t remember what time it was- 6:30? 7:00? Were you too late? You knew Brian usually just isolated himself before the show so he could tune his guitar, but maybe he’d changed. Maybe everything had changed. Maybe nothing had changed. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe this was the only thing you could do without going completely insane. Maybe-

“Y/N?”

It was like the entire world had just turned off with the flick of a switch. That voice…

You turned around to see Brian in front of you, and you crossed your arms in front of your chest because you actually thought it was going to pound right out of your chest with how incredible he looked. “Brian,” was all you could say.

“Wh-what are you- why are- I mean, I know we’re in Y/C but-”

“Brian, I’d like to say something, if that’s okay.” You knew that if he did that adorable rambling for a second longer, you’d lose all your courage.

Brian pressed his lips together and nodded, letting you have the space you needed.

“I know… I know that we left things in a bad place when we were in LA. And I know I told you that I couldn’t be with you anymore because I felt like I couldn’t give you what you wanted. But… I’ve had some time to think. That’s all I’ve ever really needed, was just time. I- I listened to the album. I heard the song you wrote. And… it made me understand something.”

Brian waited to see if your pause was meant for him to speak in before he asked, “Understand what?”

“I’m yours.” The two truest words you’d ever said. “I love you. I don’t think I’ve ever meant anything more in my life, Brian. I love you. I know that I couldn’t see the same future that you saw, but I can now. I see it all. And all I want to do is be with you. To be yours, completely. I know I said that I was afraid, and that I never wanted to be locked down. But you don’t want to lock me down. You never did. You just wanted to love me.” You bit back tears as you continued. “And I should have seen that sooner, but the point is that I see it now. And I don’t want a single minute more of not having you in my life. So… if you could find it in your heart to just-” you paused, feeling that burning sensation in your throat. No tears. “To call me. Write me a letter from the road. Even just letting me stay with you tonight to watch the show…”

“Well,” Brian studied you with an expression that you couldn’t quite make out. “That’s not good enough.”

You felt your heart deflate like a balloon, drifting out of your chest, down through your stomach and finally out through your toes into a shriveled heap on the ground. You opened your mouth to try and speak, but it felt like your throat was a desert and your voice was just the faint memory of water.

“Just spending the night with us isn’t good enough, Y/N. You’ll have to come back on the tour and stay with us until the end.”

You looked at Brian with mouth agape as his mouth slowly curved into a smile. Oh, that smile- you’d missed it so much that seeing it again nearly made you weep. “But… I- I thought…”

“Y/N,” Brian shook his head. “I know that back in LA, I came down pretty hard on you. I was too intense, and that rightfully scared you away. But my feelings for you haven’t changed. I love you. I will always love you. And I’ll move at whatever pace you need to feel comfortable.” He paused before adding, “You are the love of my life, Y/N. And I never want to let you get away again.”

You had no words. Brian had stolen them all. You stood there, dumbstruck, looking at this man that you loved and who you knew wanted you back just as much as you wanted him back. You were overwhelmed, you were speechless, you…

You had to kiss him.

Before he could open his mouth to tell you to say something, your lips were on Brian’s- right where they belonged. Where they had ALWAYS belonged. You were kissing him and he was kissing you back, one hand around your waist while the other lay on your cheek lovingly. You were so completely overwhelmed with happiness and love, but a completely different kind of love than what you were used to. It was deeper than the love you’d known before, where the love got lost in the lust. It was coming home. It was forever.

It was your tears that made the two of you break the kiss. You laughed and sobbed softly as Brian’s thumb ran across your cheek to wipe your tears away. “I don’t know why I’m crying,” you admitted, sniffing. “I’m happier than I’ve ever been.”

Brian leaned in and pressed his forehead against yours tenderly, letting you savor in the physical contact. “Maybe that’s why,” he smiled.

“I love you,” you returned Brian’s smile. “I’ll never be able to tell you enough.”

Brian sighed happily, and you saw a couple tears of his own escape his eyes. “And I love you,” he tilted his head slightly to whisper in your ear. “Always.”

“So,” you breathed. “What now?”

“Well, we’re going to be on the road for another month,” Brian said, letting his hands move to clasp the small of your back while you wrapped your arms around his neck. “Then we have to go back to England to do the next album.”

“They want you to do another one? But Sheer Heart Attack’s been doing so well.”

“And yet we still haven’t seen any of the money,” Brian rolled his eyes. “So- another album.”

“Another album,” you repeated, “which will be a massive success.”

“You really think so?” Brian grinned.

“Well, my psychic told me so,” you smirked, knowing Brian’s logical, scientific brain would hate that.

“Y/N,” he groaned, wincing like he had a headache, making you laugh. “Fine,” he sighed, “the fourth album will be a massive success, finally make us enough money to get John a house and Roger and Freddie more toys, and pave the way for a fifth one.”

“I’m sure I can transfer my credits over to a university in the UK,” you thought out loud. “I can take care of it all when you go back to start the album. I know it’ll take a while, but it’ll still get done. And once it’s all taken care of, I’m sure I’ve got enough money saved up for a plane ticket.”

“And there’ll be no shortage of jobs for you once you graduate,” Brian smiled down at you. “You’ll be the best solicitor London’s ever seen.”

“And then what?” you grinned. “For us, I mean? Marriage? Babies?”

Brian felt his eyes fill up all over again when he didn’t hear a hint of sarcasm in your tone. But still he said, “One step at a time, right?”

You leaned over to press a kiss on his cheek. “Right. But however many steps we take, and whenever we take them…” you stopped to take his hands in yours. “We’ll always take them together.”

Brian squeezed your hands and brought them to his lips, kissing your knuckles. “Together. Always.”

He may not have said much, but with those two words, Brian had said everything. Life was all spread out in front of you again, just like it had been years ago when you’d committed yourself to the life you were leaving behind. But this time, there was no anxiety, no trepidation, no question in your mind of whether this was what you really wanted. This was a new adventure, but more than anything… this was coming home.

* * * *

You knew what they said about you. Dirty groupie, only staying around so long because you were a kept woman, nothing but a disposable whore that Brian would eventually get tired of and leave in the dust. But you knew better. You knew every time you stood at the side of the stage and watched Brian play his heart out. You knew every time you fell into each other’s arms after the show and you could feel how much you loved each other. You knew by the way Brian talked with you, laughed with you, cried with you, made love to you, lived with you. Those words he’d written for you were true.

You were his love.

And he was yours.

The Jesus Christ Superstar essay absolutely no one asked for.

Last weekend, I watched the pro-shot of the 2012 arena tour of Jesus Christ Superstar starring Ben Forster, Tim Minchin, and Melanie C, because it was Easter and it was up on YT for the weekend.  I never managed to do my annual listen-through of Leonard Bernstein’s Mass this year, as is my usual Easter tradition, so I figured “Why not watch/listen to this instead?”  It was my first time seeing and hearing JCS in full, and Y’ALL, it has been living rent-free in my brain ever since.  I have a mighty need to get my thoughts out, so here they are, in chronological order by song.  

1) Prologue: I love the way JCS 2012 makes use of the arena video screen.  The production design and concept clearly took a lot of inspiration from the “Occupy ______” movement, which makes it feel a bit dated now.  But every single production of JCS is a product of its time period, so this is a feature and not a bug.  

2) Heaven On Their Minds: This is a straight-up rock song.  It wouldn’t be out of place on any rock and roll album released between 1970 and 2021, and it boggles my mind that Webber and Rice were both in their early twenties when they wrote it.  Also, the lyric “You’ve begun to matter more than the things you say” hits hard no matter the year.

3) What’s the Buzz: A+ use of the arena screens again, this time bringing in social media to set the tone.  Also, this song establishes right from the outset that Jesus is burnt out and T I R E D by this point in the story.  Seriously, can we just let this man have a nap?

4) Strange Thing Mystifying: Judas publicly calls out Mary and Jesus claps back.  Folx, get you a partner who will defend your honor the way Jesus defends MM in this scene.  Also Jesus loses his shoes and is mostly barefoot for the remainder of the show.

5) Everything’s Alright: Okay, this is one of the songs I have A LOT to say about.  First, it’s important to know that I was a church musician throughout all of my adolescence and into my early adulthood.  The pianist at the services I usually played at was a top-notch jazz pianist, and also my piano teacher for about six years while I as in high school and undergrad.  (Incidentally, I had a HUGE crush on his son, who was/is a jazz saxophonist and clarinetist and also played in the church band, but that’s a story for another day.)  One of the hymns we played a few times a year was called “Sing of the Lord’s Goodness,” which is notable for being in 5/4 time.  Whenever this hymn was on the schedule, it was usually the recessional, or the last song played as the clergy processed out and the congregation got ready to leave, so we were able to have some fun with it.  After a couple verses the piano player and his son would usually morph it into “Take Five,” a famous jazz standard by Dave Brubeck which is also in 5/4 time.  Anyway, the first time I listened to this song in full, it got to Judas’s line “People who are hungry, people who are starving,” and I sat bolt upright and went “HOLY SHIT THIS IS ‘SING OF THE LORD’S GOODNESS/TAKE FIVE.’”  And I was ricocheted back in time to being fourteen and trying to keep up with this father/son duo in a cavernous Catholic church while simultaneously making heart-eyes at the son.  Final note: This is the only song in the musical to feature all three leads (Jesus, Judas, and Mary Magdalene) and is mostly Jesus and MM being soft with each other in between bouts of Jesus and Judas snarling at one another.

6) This Jesus Must Die: I LOVE that all the villains in this production are in tailored suits.  LOVE IT.  Also, Caiaphas and Annas are a comedy duo akin to “the thin guy and the fat guy,” except in this case it’s “the low basso profundo and the high tenor.”  Excellent use of the arena video screen again, this time as CCTV.

7) Hosanna: My background as a church musician strikes back again.  It honestly took me two or three listens to catch it, but then I had another moment of sitting bolt upright and going “HOLY SHIT THIS IS A PSALM.”  Psalms sung in church usually take the form of call-and-response, with a cantor singing the verses and the congregation joining in for the chorus.  If I close my eyes during this song, I have no trouble imagining Jesus as a church cantor singing the verses and then bringing the congregation in for the “Ho-sanna, Hey-sanna” chorus. 

8) Simon Zealotes: This is part “Gloria In Excelsis” and part over-the-top Gospel song.  Honestly it’s not my favorite, but it marks an important mood change in the show.  The end of “Hosanna” is probably Jesus at his happiest in the entire show, and then Simon comes in and sours the mood by trying to tip the triumphant moment into a violent one.  Jesus is not truly happy again from this moment on.

9) Poor Jerusalem: Also not my fave.  It kinda reads like Webber and Rice realized that Jesus didn’t have a solo aria in Act I, so they came up with this.  But it has the distinction of containing the lyric, “To conquer death you only have to die,” which is the biggest overarching theme of the story.

10) Pilate’s Dream: Pontius Pilate might be the most underrated role in this entire show, and I love that this production has him singing this song while being dressed in judge’s robes.  

11) The Temple: The first half of this is one of the campiest numbers in Act I, at least in this production, and it’s awesome.  The second half is one of the saddest, as Jesus tries to heal the sick but finds there are too many of them.  Also the whole scene is almost entirely in 7/8 time, which I think is just cool.

12) I Don’t Know How To Love Him: Mary Magdalene’s big aria, and one of the songs I knew prior to seeing the full-length show.  This production has MM taking off her heavy lipstick and eye makeup onstage, mid-song, which is kind of cool.  Melanie C says in a BTS interview that MM’s makeup is her armor, so this is a Big Symbolic Moment.

13) Damned For All Time: The scene transition into this song is played entirely in pantomime, and I love it.  The solo guitarist gets to be onstage for a bit, A+ use of the video screen again to show Judas on CCTV, etc.  Love it.  And then this song is Judas frantically rationalizing what he’s doing, and what he’s about to do, with Caiphas and Annas just reacting with raised eyebrows and knowing looks.

14) Blood Money: This is where the tone of the show really takes a turn for the dark.  I think this might be one of Tim Minchin’s finest moments as Judas, because his facial expressions and microexpressions throughout this scene speak absolute volumes.  And the offstage chorus quietly singing “Well done Judas” as he picks up the money is a positively chilling way to end Act I.

15) The Last Supper: Act II begins with major “Drink With Me” vibes.  (Except JCS came WAY before Les Miz, so it’s probably more accurate to say that “Drink With Me” has major “The Last Supper” vibes.)  Jesus and Judas have their knock-down, drag-out fight, and it’s honestly heartbreaking, thanks again to Tim Minchin’s facial expressions.  A well-done production of JCS will really convey that Jesus and Judas were once closer than brothers, even though their relationship is at breaking point when Act I begins.

16) Gethsemane: This is Jesus’s major showpiece and one of my faves.  Jesus knows he has less than 24 hours to live, he knows he’s going to suffer, and worst of all, he doesn’t know whether it’s going to be worth it.  It’s an emotional rollercoaster to watch and to perform, and it goes on for ages: something like 6 or 7 minutes.  Fun fact: the famous G5 is not written in the score.  Ian Gillan, who played Jesus on the original concept album, just sang it that way, so most subsequent Jesuses have also done it that way.  Lindsay Ellis has a great supercut of this on YT.  John Legend notably sang the line as written during the 2018 concert.  

17) The Arrest: Judas’s Betrayer’s Kiss is played differently across different productions.  The 2012 version is pretty tame - I’ve seen clips and gifs of other productions, including the 2000 direct-to-video version, where they kiss fully on the mouth and have to be dragged apart by the guards and it is THE MOST TENDER THING.  Then the 7/8 riff from “The Temple” comes back and the 2012 version lets the video screen do its thing again as Jesus is swarmed by reporters.

18) Peter’s Denial: Not much to say about this one, as it’s basically a scene transition.  But it’s a significant moment in the Passion story, so I’m glad they included it.

19) Pilate and Christ: The 2012 production continues with the theme of Caiaphas, Annas, and Pilate all being bougie af, since Pilate intentionally looks like he just came from tennis practice during this scene.  Also he does pilates...hehehe.

20) King Herod’s Song: Tim Minchin says in a BTS interview that JCS works best when Jesus and Judas are played seriously and the rest of the production is allowed to be completely camp and wild and bizarre all around them, and he is bloody well CORRECT about that.  Case in point: King Herod.  There is not a single production of JCS that I know of where Herod is played “straight.”  He’s been played by everyone from Alice Cooper to Jack Black, and everyone puts a different zany spin on him.  In JCS 2012 he’s a chat show host in a red crushed velvet suit, who is clearly having the time of his LIFE. 

21) Could We Start Again Please: This is another of my faves.  Just a quiet moment where MM, Peter, and the disciples try to grapple with the fact that Jesus is arrested and things are going very, very badly.  This is also my favorite Melanie C moment of the 2012 show.  Her grief is very real, and the little moment she has with Peter at the end is very real.

22) Death of Judas: This is basically Tim Minchin screaming for about five minutes, and incredibly harrowing to watch on first viewing.  

23) Trial Before Pilate: Possibly my single favorite scene in the entire 2012 production.  This is another harrowing watch, but there’s so much to take in.  The “set” that the entire show takes place on is essentially just a massive staircase, and the people with power are almost always positioned above the people without power.  In this scene, the crowd shouting “Crucify Him!” is positioned above Pilate, which is a very telling clue to Pilate’s psychology during this scene.  Jesus is at the very bottom of the stairs, of course.  Excellent use of the video screen once again during the 39 Lashes, to show the lash marks building and building until the entire screen is a wash of red.  Pilate’s counting also gets more and more frantic, especially starting around “20.”  And all the while the guitar riff from “Heaven On Their Minds” is playing.  Jesus’s line “Everything is fixed and you can’t change it” is played quite differently in different productions - here it’s defiant, but elsewhere (in JCS 2000 for example) it’s almost tender, like Jesus is absolving Pilate for his part in the trial.  But it always ends the same - with Pilate almost screaming as he passes the sentence and “washes his hands” of the whole sorry business. 

24) Superstar: The most over-the-top number in the show.  Judas, who died two scenes ago, comes back to sing this.  There are soul singers.  There are girls in skimpy angel costumes.  The parkour guys from the prologue are back.  Judas pulls a tambourine out of hammerspace midway through the song.  And Jesus is silently screaming and crying as he gets hoisted onto a lighting beam while all this is going on.

25) The Crucifixion: More of a spoken-word piece than a song, it’s Jesus’s final words on the cross over eerie piano music, and another harrowing watch.

26) John 19:41: An instrumental piece in which Jesus is taken from the cross and carried, at last, to the top of the stairs, before being lowered out of sight as the video screen turns into a memorial wall and everything fades to black.

So.  I know I’m anywhere from three to fifty-one years late to this particular party, but I am on the JCS bandwagon now and I’m thoroughly enjoying myself.  :)

k i've listened to the OK ORCHESTRA album now and here were my thoughts

"OK Overture" had it's own little verse they really keep throwing new things at me but i'm here for it

"3 O'Clock Things" was really just what goes through my adhd/anxiety mind on the daily i love it here

"IF YOU'RE FUCKING RACIST DON'T COME TO MY SHOW" DAMN STRAIGHT

honestly "My Play" hit me really hard when i listened to it when it had just come out but hearing it on the album between "3 O'Clock Things" and "Joe" was SOMETHING ELSE

the ENTIRE time i was listening to "Adventure Is Out There" i was thinking of my best friend and i and how we've been looking for adventure in little things during quarantine and they really just put it into words like "i'm really fucking bored so like where do my socks go after i lose them ya know?"

"The Trick" gave me major Living Room vibes and i can't explain it

i related to "Humpty Dumpty" WAY TOO MUCH i need therapy jesus christ it is probably one of my favorites on the album tho

the end of "World's Smallest Violin" reminded me a lot of the ending of "Karma" but it was intense in different ways

i guess that makes sense tho because i think they're meant to be about the same thing or tie into each other in some way so giving them similar feels at the end would really convey that

also not to flex but i can do the entire ending of "Karma" in one breath

the placement of "Way Less Sad" between "World's Smallest Violin" and "Christmas in June" was actually really perfect as a transition into those two very different themes and it just made me love the song more than when it first came out a little while ago

"Christmas in June" is kind of a continuation of "Dear Winter" with that mention at the end of "can we have a kid in june?" and it makes me want to cry honestly

"Christmas in June" is literally the exact opposite of "Come Hang Out" and i just might do a mini analysis on it right now because it's so fucking amazing:

"Come Hang Out" is about not being able to spend time with the people you love because of you being so wrapped up in your job but also being so wrapped up in your job that you don't care that you aren't spending as much time with the people you love

"Christmas in June" is about trying to balance spending time with the people/person you love and going out and doing a job that requires going away from home for long periods of time (in their case to tour) because you do care about spending time with those people and don't want to lose them

definitely some growth here from The Click to OK ORCHESTRA and i'm here for it

also my brain found certain parts of the instrumentals really soothing and it felt like it was going back and forth like a metronome and as soon as i said that out loud i realized that the metronome was kind of the base sound for The Click album and that was probably done on purpose to add some connection to "Come Hang Out" and The Click album as a whole

basically, i do think this is their best album so far, and a great way to wrap up the "trilogy" they were doing, with the themes of the songs being very reminiscent of The Click, and the instrumental communication of Neotheater, while still remaining its own unique OK ORCHESTRA sound

will be listening all week

A Locked Tomb Fanmix But It’s All Classic Country

this exists entirely because one night the thought “but what if i made a Locked Tomb fanmix with only classic country songs” popped into my head, unprompted, and i thought it was too hilarious to not do.

the art on the cover is done by @starfleetofficial​​, who this mix is also dedicated to. thank you for recommending me these books, continuously “yes, and”ing my semi-coherent TLT messages sent at 5 in the morning, and being so supportive about this idea. (also check out her version, A HtN fanmix but it’s all Fiona Apple!) the cover design is referencing the famous Marty Robbins album, Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs.

my one listening note: this will probably be more enjoyable if it’s approached with an open mind and an expectation that it’s taking itself about as seriously as the official fanmixes do.

see below the cut for a song list and some lyric excerpts.

this mix has implicit spoilers for both Gideon the Ninth and Harrow the Ninth.

Gideon the Ninth mix: youtube / spotify / full res cover Harrow the Ninth mix: youtube / spotify / full res cover full mix: youtube / spotify / full res cover

Gideon the Ninth:

1. Johnny Paycheck, “Take This Job And Shove It”

You better not try to stand in my way 'Cause I'm walkin' out the door Take this job and shove it I ain't working here no more

2. Dolly Parton, “When Someone Wants To Leave”

It's a sad situation I must say When someone wants to leave as bad as you want them to stay

3. Loretta Lynn, “I’m A Gettin’ Ready To Go”

I'm gonna praise my savior's name everyday that I'm livin' Glory hallelujah I'm not ashamed to let my salvation show This old world's just my dressin' room and I'm a gettin' ready to go

4. Waylon Jennings, “I Ain’t Living Long Like This”

I tried to run but I don't think I can You make one move and you're a dead man friend Ain't living long like this Can't live at all like this, can I baby?

5. Loretta Lynn, “This Haunted House”

This haunted house I'm livin' in is killing me And the ghost of your love won't set me free Each morning finds me crying and alone In this haunted house we used to call our home

6. Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty, “After The Fire Is Gone”

We know it's wrong for us to meet But the fire's gone out at home And there's nothin' cold as ashes After the fire is gone

7. Loretta Lynn, “How Long Will It Take”

(How long will it take?) How long will it take to make you want me How much longer has this old heart gotta break (How long will it take?) How long will it take to make you need me I keep a waitin' and a wonderin' how long will it take

8. Stonewall Jackson, “Don’t Be Angry”

Maybe someday you're gonna hurt me I've been hurt in love before Only God can know And time alone will tell

9. Dick Curless, “A Tombstone Every Mile”

It's a stretch of road up north in Maine That's never ever ever seen a smile If they'd buried all them truckers lost in them woods There'd be a tombstone every mile

10. Johnny Paycheck, “(It Won’t Be Long) And I’ll Be Hating You”

Lately life with you has been unbearable All my faith in you has gone and I know it won't return I did everything to make you happy I could do Now you've gotten me hatin' things I used to love to do And it won't be long and I'll be hatin' you

11. Norma Jean, “Let’s Go All The Way”

All the way means happiness living side by side Halfway means a heartbreak if one of us should lie Just give me a clue that you love me too Hold me in your arms and say “Oh, let’s go all the way”

12. Loretta Lynn, “Everybody Wants To Go To Heaven”

Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die Lord, I wanna go to heaven but I don't wanna die Though I long for the day when I'll have new birth Still I love the livin' here on earth Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die

13. Homer & Jethro, “She Made Toothpicks Of The Timber Of My Heart”

She was seasoned, I was green Yes my darling lumber queen Wound me ‘round her finger like a clinging vine

14. Patsy Cline, “The Heart You Break May Be Your Own”

You'll look around and when you've found That you are all alone Then you'll get wise and realize The heart you break may be your own

15. Buck Owens, “I’ve Got A Tiger By The Tail”

Well every night you drag me where the bright lights are found There ain't no way to slow you down I’m as 'bout as helpless as a leaf in a gale And it looks like I've got a tiger by the tail

16. Charley Pride, “All I Have To Offer You (Is Me)”

Before you take another step, there's something you should know About the years ahead and how they'll be You'll be living in a world where roses hardly ever grow 'Cause all I have to offer you is me

17. Faron Young, “Live Fast, Love Hard, Die Young”

I wanna leave a lot of happy women A-thinkin’ pretty thoughts of me I wanna live fast, love hard, die young And leave a beautiful memory

18. Dolly Parton and Porter Wagoner, “The Last Thing On My Mind”

I've got reason a plenty for goin'      This I know, this I know The weeds have been steadily growin'      Please don't go, please don't go

Are you going away with no word of farewell Will there be not a trace left behind I could've loved you better, didn't mean to be unkind You know that was the last thing on my mind

19. Marty Robbins, “The Master’s Call”

I felt the end was near, that death would be the price When a mighty bolt of lightning showed the face of Jesus Christ And I cried “oh Lord forgive me, don't let it happen now I want to live for you alone, oh God these words I vow”

Bridge: Lefty Frizzell, “Long Black Veil”

She walks these hills in a long black veil She visits my grave when the night winds wail Nobody knows, nobody sees Nobody knows but me

Harrow the Ninth:

1. Hank Williams, “I’ll Never Get Out Of This World Alive”

Every thing's against me and it's got me down If I jumped in the river I would probably drown No matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive

2. Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt, and Emmylou Harris, “Those Memories Of You”

In dreams of you, my body trembles I wake up and call your name But you're not there, and I'm so lonesome Without your love, I'd go insane

3. Hank Snow, “I Don’t Hurt Anymore”

I don't hurt anymore, all my teardrops are dried No more walking the floor with that burning inside Just to think it could be time has opened the door And at last I am free I don't hurt anymore

4. Patsy Cline, “Stop The World And Let Me Off”

Oh, stop the world and let me off I'm tired of goin' round ‘n' round I played the game of love and lost So stop the world and let me off

5. Charley Pride, “Lie To Me”

Oh, lie to me, say you love me Tell me I mean the world to you It would mean so much, I'd be so happy And it's the least you can do

6. Hank Snow, “Ninety Miles An Hour (Down A Dead End Street)”

Warnin' signs are flashin' by us but we pay no heed Instead of slowin' down the pace we keep picking up the speed Disaster's gettin' closer every time we meet Doin' ninety miles an hour down a dead end street

7. Patsy Cline and the Anita Kerr Singers, “I Can’t Forget”

Where are you, darlin'? Are you with someone new I can't forget you I'll always be loving you

8. Lynn Anderson, “If I Kiss You (Will You Go Away)”

You're so much hurt I wish you wouldn't stay If I kiss you will you go away?

9. Connie Smith, “Once A Day”

Once a day all day long And once a night from dusk till dawn The only time I wish you weren't gone Is once a day, every day, all day long

10. Charley Pride, “Just Between You And Me”

But just between you and me I've got my doubts about it 'Cause just between you and me You're too much to forget

11. Buck Owens, “Hello Trouble”

A comin' up my sidewalk Just as plain as day A well a here come trouble that I never thought I'd see When you went away

12. Loretta Lynn, “Fist City”

You'll bite off more than you can chew If you get too cute or witty You better move your feet if you don't wanna eat A meal that's called Fist City

13. The Davis Sisters, “I Forgot More Than You’ll Ever Know”

You think you know the smile on his lips The thrill at the touch of his fingertips But I've forgotten more Than you'll ever know about him

14. Kitty Wells, “Pick Me Up On Your Way Down” (Charlie Walker’s version is on the Spotify playlist)

When you learn these things are true I'll be waiting here for you As you tumble to the ground Pick me up on your way down

15. Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty, “You’re The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly”

And that's the reason that my good looks and my figure is gone      And that's the reason I ain't got no hair to comb And you're the reason our kids are ugly, little darling

16. Loretta Lynn, “Who Says God Is Dead”

If I were you I'd kneel and pray 'Cause we're not promised one more day Remember blood was shed Who says God is dead?

17. Patsy Cline and The Jordanaires, “Imagine That”

Can you believe I'd swallow my pride (Well yes, yes, I guess you can) 'Cause you know you've always had my foolish heart Right in the palm of your hand, oh

18. Jody Miller and Johnny Paycheck, “Let’s All Go Down To The River”

Jesus is the man at the river And he's washing people's sins away He can save your soul if you give him control Oh be ready for that judgement day

19. Bobby Bare, “Dropkick Me, Jesus”

Make me, oh, make me, Lord, more than I am Make me a piece in Your master game plan Free from the earthly temptation below I've got the will, Lord, if You got the toe

20. Lynn Anderson, “Heaven’s Just A Sin Away”

Devil's got me now Oh, gone and got me now I can't fight him anyhow I think he's gonna win

Heaven’s just a sin away Oh, just a sin away Heaven help me when I say I think I’m givin’ in

21. Loretta Lynn, “Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed”

I'm gonna search everywhere that you might be When I find you I'm a bringin’ you home with me I want you out of my head And back in my bed Before the morning comes

22. Johnny Cash, “Big River”

Now, won't you batter down by Baton Rouge, River Queen, roll it on Take that woman on down to New Orleans, New Orleans Go on, I've had enough, dump my blues down in the gulf She loves you, Big River, more than me

Now I taught the weeping willow how to cry, cry, cry And I showed the clouds how to cover up a clear blue sky And the tears that I cried for that woman are gonna flood you, Big River And I'm gonna sit right here until I die

5 Times You Posted about Him, and One Time He Posted about You | Chris Kreider

I sent an anon to @kreiderrider​ way back at the end of April for Chris’ birthday and still haven’t stopped thinking about it, so apparently I’m writing it now. also for @bobohtuzzo​ for our never-ending loop of being mean to each other with Chris gifs.

TL;DR: this is Taylor’s fault for making me a Kreider girl, and and both hers Bayan’s fault for encouraging and enabling me.

length: 2.8k words

You knew when you started dating Chris that he was not social media’s biggest fan. And that was fine. You were hardly an influencer yourself, and you were pretty sure you followed more dogs than people on Instagram. So the pictures you took of Chris– Chris being cute, Chris doing mundane things, Chris with his bitchface on– stayed firmly in a locked album on your phone.

Until one day when you were sitting on the couch, leaning against Chris while he read a book, flipping through Instagram stories on your phone. One of your friends from high school had posted a cute picture with her boyfriend, and you paused to look at it. Chris rested his chin on your shoulder to peer at your phone. 

“They’re cute,” he murmured, pressing a quick kiss to your shoulder. You hummed in agreement. “How come you never post about me?”

You twisted around to look at him. “First of all, how do you even know that I don’t? Second of all, you want nothing to do with any sort of social media.” 

Chris flicked your nose. “Mika tells me things. And I don’t hate social media, I just don’t really get the point of it. Who the fuck cares what I’m doing every second of the day, who I got lunch with, where I got lunch? Anyway, I don’t really mind if you post about me every once in a while. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide our relationship just because I avoid Instagram like the plague.” Chris pressed a kiss to your forehead to punctuate his sentence. 

You settled back in against Chris, resuming your mindless scrolling, and looking forward to the first opportunity to show off your boyfriend. 

Chef Chris Chris loved to cook. Part of it came from his absolutely ridiculous diet, you knew, but he also enjoyed the quiet time that cooking gave him, a way to be productive without requiring a ton of energy. The kitchens in either of your apartments were often filled with the smell of something good, for lunches, for dinners on nights off, for a quick meal after a game. Chris rarely let you help him with anything, which was fine because you preferred to bake, and it let you watch him. 

There was something about watching Chris cook that you just adored. He would always end up so focused, a strange intensity in his eyes that resembled the look he sometimes got on the ice. But then you would say something– a stupid joke that you’d seen on the internet, a funny story from work, or a something ridiculous your dog had done that morning– and he would laugh, his eyes lighting up again, and his dimples showing. 

Tonight, Chris was standing over the stove making a risotto. You had begged him for it during a rare full weekend off at home for the Rangers, and he had finally conceded. One of your playlists was playing softly in the living room, and you were perched on a barstool at the island, your dog curled beneath your feet. You weren’t sure if he wanted to be close to you, or if he was just waiting for Chris to give him a piece of chicken. 

Chris was stirring the risotto intently, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth a little bit. You were already scrolling through your phone, so you couldn’t resist snapping a quick picture for your Instagram story, simply throwing an emoji of a chef in the corner.

You were checking the views on your story later that night and responding to the few people that had replied to it, when Chris saw your phone screen. 

“Hang on, gimme that,” he said, pausing the hockey game he was watching. “How did I not notice you take this?” He looked closer at your phone. “And how many fucking followers do you have, holy shit.”

You took your phone back, seeing that Brett Howden had asked why he didn’t get any dinner. “I got a bunch more after I started dating you,” you said. Chris looked concerned. “Don’t make that face, you dork. I don’t really care, and if I did, I could just make my account private.” 

Chris still looked a little alarmed at the number of people who had seen him cook dinner, but he turned back to the hockey game, anyway. 

Sing Us a Song There was a piano in Chris’ apartment. It was tucked away in the spare bedroom, and he avoided playing it when people were over, even when it was just the two of you. You had lamented that fact once, and Chris had said something about just wanting to spend all his time focused on you. You let it go, but that didn’t mean you weren’t dying to hear him play, especially since everyone who had could only compliment him.

It was nearly Christmas when you let yourself into Chris’ apartment with your spare key. The two of you had spent an entire weekend decorating, and the space was absolutely filled with Christmas spirit. You had been baking cookies, and you were dropping some off for Chris to bring home to Massachusetts and his family. You smiled as you heard the familiar chords of “Celebrate Me Home” echoing through the apartment. Your penchant for listening to Christmas music at all hours was beginning to rub off on Chris finally. You paused, though, when you realized that the voice drifting through the apartment was not Kenny Loggins, but Chris. 

You set the cookies and your purse down gently on a counter, kicking off your snow boots and quietly making your way through the apartment. You peered around the doorway of the spare bedroom. Chris’ back was to you, since the piano faced the windows looking out over the city, as he continued singing. You slipped your phone out of your coat pocket and began recording. You made sure to keep quiet as Chris began playing “The Christmas Song.” You stayed there for a minute longer before putting your phone away and walking into the room.

Chris jumped a little as you put your hand on his shoulder. “Your hands are freezing, Christ, Y/N. How long have you been here?”

You kissed his temple. “Sorry. Just came to drop off cookies and couldn’t resist listening to you for a while. I wish you’d sing for me more often.” Chris blushed all the way up to his ears. 

Later that night, back home and with a pie in the oven this time, you edited the videos you took a little bit and put them up on your Instagram story. You left it captionless.

Your DMs were soon filled with people commenting on how talented Chris was and begging for more videos of him. You screenshotted them all– maybe a little smugly– and sent them to Chris. All you got back was an emoji sticking its tongue out at you. 

Somewhere on a Beach There was absolutely nothing that you loved more than a good vacation. As the Rangers’ bye week approached, Chris was getting desperate to get out of the city, and you were looking forward to a week on a beach.

The Rangers won their last game before the break, and then the two of you were on a plane to Hawaii for some valuable time in the sun. Chris had found a rental with a private stretch of beach, and you both had bags full of books to read.

“Chris, you need to put on sunscreen!” you yelled as he walked across the sand, sunglasses perched on his nose and book in hand, on the first day. He had complained but let you cover him in sunscreen; he got burnt anyway. 

Mika made a crispy potato joke later that night in response to Chris’ whiny text. 

You got a couple good Instagram posts out of the vacation. One was simply pictures of you that you had made Chris take– “like a good Instagram boyfriend, babe” – plus a couple well-executed timer shots of both of you on the beach: sandy toes, sunburnt nose. The other was a small collection of photos you took of Chris throughout the week, in various positions in various chairs, all with a different book. Your favorite was the time you had caught him asleep on the beach, book still clutched precariously in his hand, mouth hanging open as he burned in the sun. I will never understand how he can read a book a day and still never run out of books, you had typed as a caption. 

Dog Lover Chris was sick. You were sure he had been fighting through shit for nearly two weeks but had been too stubborn to admit it, and he had finally hit a wall. You had caught him leaning heavily against the bathroom sink that morning, dizzy and nauseous, as he attempted to get ready for practice; it still took both you and Mika yelling at him, with more than one threat to call Quinn and/or his mother, before he agreed to stay home. 

You had forced him to at least eat a piece of toast before you let him collapse on the couch under most of the blankets you had in your apartment. You sent Mika a picture of Chris in his fever haze, zoned out while watching the morning news. 

You luckily had the day off, so you were able to stay close to your idiot boyfriend with a penchant for ignoring injury and illness. It started storming after you ate lunch, rain lashing against the windows and lightning lighting up the dark New York sky, shrouded with clouds. Chris was still slouched on one end of the couch, barely having moved all morning. You were sitting at the other end with a book, his feet in your lap and thumb idly rubbing circles on his ankle, having ignored Chris’ protests that you were going to get sick, too. 

Later, when you were making dinner, you peeked into your living room to check on Chris. He had thrown most of his blankets onto the floor, and he was sprawled out on his stomach, solidly asleep. Your dog had crawled up onto the couch with him and was laying protectively over Chris’ legs. You smiled at them before reaching for your phone to take a picture. 

First you sent it to Mika: “Sometimes I think he’s only dating me for my dog.” with an eye roll emoji. Mika laughed at that one. 

Then you posted it on your Instagram, this time with the caption everyone knows dog cuddles are the best medicine. Your replies were flooded with get-well wishes for Chris. 

Best Friends Everyone knew that Mika and Chris were pretty much inseparable, both on the ice and off of it. You and Irma had bonded over it one night, when what was supposed to be a nice double date devolved into Chris and Mika discussing the chances of various teams winning the Cup. It had only been November. 

You teased the two about their codependency, but honestly it was endearing. Mika ended up over for dinner more nights than not, and you texted him more than you texted your mom. Mika sometimes crashed movie nights at Chris’ apartment, and all three of you ended up in a tangled mess of limbs and blankets before the end of the night without fail. It was completely undeniable that Chris loved Mika, so it was inevitable that you loved Mika, too. 

The Rangers were having another outdoor practice in Central Park. You loved going to any practice, but the outdoor ones were especially fun to watch. It always seemed like half of New York showed up to watch, and the boys were always more energetic and idiotic than usual.

You hung around close to the boards behind one of the goals during practice. You got some good pictures of the boys warming up, including one particularly cute one of Artemi sticking his tongue out at you. As practice went on, you took more pictures as various Rangers sped past you. The best opportunity was when Chris scored a – frankly ridiculous, honestly – goal over Hank’s shoulder, set up perfectly by Mika. They slammed into the boards next to you in celebration, and you managed to snap a great angle of that smile Mika seemed to reserve specifically for Chris.

All of the WAGs and families were allowed onto the ice after practice ended. You carefully made your way over towards where Chris and Mika were lazily leaning against the boards near one of the benches, nearly running over tripping over Igor’s dog in the process when he ran in front of you, gleefully dragging a leash behind him. 

Chris was facing you, but he didn’t see you approach. You, however, could see the dorky grin he had aimed at Mika from where he was slouching against the wall. As you got closer, you took out your phone and snuck one more picture of the two of them.

You couldn’t resist posting those pictures of your boys. You made sure to tag Mika, adding on the caption someone tell me how I can get a boy to look at me the way Chris and Mika look at each other. 

Mika replied with an eye roll emoji and a blue heart. Irma replied with about five cry-laughing emojis. Chris just looked offended. 

His Turn Chris had managed to convince you to join him for a week in Connecticut, and you had managed to convince him to let you drive up. He grumbled about it all the way out of the city. 

You had your sunglasses on and your hair was loose around your shoulders. Chris’ phone was plugged into your aux, but he had turned on your own road trip playlist. (He complained about your taste in music most of the drive, too.) As you got closer to Connecticut, Chris rolled the windows down. Every once in a while, you glanced over at him, only to already find him watching you with a smile on his face, eyes crinkly and dimple showing. 

You were singing the words to a Taylor Swift song at the top of your lungs, laughing as the wind ripped the words from your throat and out the window, when Chris reached over and picked up your phone. You turned to look at him.

“Eyes on the road,” he scolded, still holding your now-unlocked phone. You raised an eyebrow but turned back to the highway in front of you. 

The song changed again, this time to a Queen song, and you laughed again. Chris started singing along with you, and you forgot that he had been taking a picture of you. 

Later that night, long after the sun set, you got a notification that you had been tagged in a new Instagram post, by @2kreids0. You squinted at your phone screen, confused. You were sitting out on the porch under the stars, and Chris had gone in for dessert (something still stupidly healthy– “It’s the offseason, Kreider!” you had protested) only a couple minutes before.

Still frowning a little, you tapped on the notification. A picture of yourself, with the sun in your face and hair blowing out the window, laughing, eyes bright underneath your sunglasses, filled your screen. It could only have been taken by Chris in your car earlier. You looked at the Instagram handle again.

“Hey, babe?” you called as Chris stepped back outside, trying to balance two bowls and two glasses of wine. He looked up at you. “Did you make an Instagram?” Chris blushed. You looked back at the picture, this time reading the caption below it: I’ll drive anywhere with you, just to hear you sing your favorite songs. 

Chris had moved to stand next to you, still blushing to the tips of his ears. “I might have.” You laughed, taking your glass of wine from Chris’ hand and pulling him down for a kiss. 

“I thought you didn’t see the point?” you asked.

Chris shrugged. “I didn’t. Then you started posting pictures of me all the time, and I started to understand why people share the things they love for everyone to see.” 

“You’re a sap, Kreider,” you said, all fondness. You smiled at him from behind the rim of your wine glass as he took another picture of you. “Is this what I’m like?” you asked. Chris let out a surprised laugh. 

The next morning you were tagged again by Chris. You rolled your eyes. When you opened the notification, you saw the picture from the night before, but there was also a second one, one you didn’t know Chris had taken. It was of you, of course, but you were glaring at something on your phone over your coffee mug, glasses on and hair a mess. This time he had captioned it get you a girl who can do both. 

“Christopher!” You were already beginning to regret showing him exactly how to work Instagram the night before. As you heard Chris laughing his way down the stairs, though, you thought that you could really get used to it, even if Chris probably had some revenge posts in store for you. 

of breakable clay [extended author's notes on chapter viii of castles]

oh my god. it’s out. jesus christ.

okay first off, before i dive into anything, i know i’ve already done this in the actual a/n but i would like to wholeheartedly thank @whiffingbooks over on discord for helping me with figuring out the structure of things fic. although i have to admit i did not, at all, do what i told you i would do, talking it out was massively helpful in figuring this one out, so thanks a million. secondly, i would like send all of my most sincere and affectionate thanks to @whizzfizz on here, who mother-of-god basically designed this entire chapter and listened to me rant, and rant, and rant about it for days on end without complaining. i’ll go into a bit more depth later on, but THANK YOU.

now, a few facts on this chapter before i dive further in:

wordcount: 19168. i legit would apologise for this but i promised i wouldn’t so i’m not going to. that’s growing up people. don’t apologise for yourselves haha.

soundtrack: so i’ve never mentioned this but each chapter kind of has a soundtrack? like a song that i listened to on loop while writing this. here, i would basically point you to the entire spotify of a band called barns courtney (there’s one album and a few eps), i basically listened to all of their songs on loop this past month. i feel like they have such a strong gryffindor energy, in the good, the bad and the ugly. this chapter is definitely sort of an ode to gryffindors so their music was a very big inspo. if i had to point you to one song, it would probably be dopamine.

favourite line: ‘I dig my fingernails into the inside of my palms and it feels like the blood that comes out is already boiling.’

what is this chapter about? now, that’s an easy one. survival.

okay, now, spoilers under the cut.

ugh. holy fucking shit. i’m actually at a stage right now where i strongly believe that no one on earth will want to read this because everyone probably hates me right now for the choices that i made, especially after i made you wait almost three months for this shit. i always feel like whatever i’ve put out was the hardest chapter to write so far but this one was really out there in terms of struggles - i’m really sorry it took so long, but here we are.

there are reasons, though. first, as i said in my may round up, i didn’t really start writing this until about a month ago, because a lot of things were happening in my life that i needed to take care of. i took exams (which i passed!!!!), my mum had a health emergency, ireland added france to their mandatory quarantine list (it has been removed as of yesterday thank. fucking. christ) and i started a new job. it was a lot.

anyway, this being said, when i did get to writing this chapter, as mentioned above in the thank-you section, i kind of first struggled with the structure of it. now, you will see this is a recurring theme this time around but for this, my instincts were telling me one thing, and my brain was saying something else.

basically, what came first here wasn’t the actual content of ginny’s letters (more on that, obviously, in a minute) but the ‘mood’ i wanted for the chapter. i wanted to recreate, both for harry and for the reader, this sort of idea of being completely immersed in a book or a story. like, you know the kind of mood where reality just kind of blends out, where you start reading something and just. cannot. stop. i don’t think he’s much a reader (at least not canonically) and so i wanted this to take him by surprise, for her to take over his life with her words. i explained in the previous a/n [link] i chose to have ginny’s war be told through letters (basically, i thought it would be the best way to narratively tell her story), and i really wanted harry to experience what she’d lived through almost first hand.

now, interestingly, my idea for how to do this originally was to have the letters sort of be interwoven into the events of 1999, throughout the next couple of chapters (meaning this one and chapter nine). i had this idea in my head of him living through ‘real life’ things but not being able to take his mind off her letters, with the letters also sort of echoing the events that were happening in 99, etc. having the two plot lines develop at once and meet in the middle, kind of.

and i tried to write that. for a long time. spoiler alert, it didn’t work. i think the reason is that every time i sat down with it, i felt like i was doing a disservice to both stories. i mean: 97/98 is important, but 99 also is, you know? and by taking the narrative in and out all the time, it was like you couldn’t concentrate on one thing. it was just very messy and didn’t have the intensity i was originally aiming for because it kept being dragged out of whatever was the main action at the time. i wanted harry to get sucked into the narrative, for her letters to take over his life, but in the end, the impression i just got was that the whole thing was confusing af. instead of deeply caring about both, i couldn’t bring myself to care either for ginny’s story, or for his.

also, i just kept hitting a wall: a wall called harry. basically, i knew that the next two chapters (i.e. eight and nine) would stretch from january 99 to june 99. and for the love of god, no matter how many times i turned it around in my head, there was - to me - no way that harry as we know him would just pace himself to read her letters throughout all those months. like, harry fucking potter isn’t the kind of guy who ‘paces’ himself. he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t sleep for a week to get through it all, you know? this is everything that he’s wanted to know since last may, he’s been desperately looking for answers up to this point, there is absolutely not way in hell that he’d wait it out nicely until june. it felt ooc to have him read the letters over a few months. and i just kept hitting that wall over and over. i considered, at one point, building him reading the letters into flashbacks but flashbacks of flashbacks were, again, quite messy, and i don’t think her letters would ever be something he’d volunteer to re-read, so. clearly, it wasn’t working.

then, i think on a random sunday a few weeks ago, i just went back to the drawing board and was like: okay, say we just write all of the letters and go from there, what would happen? by the end of the day, i’d written 12,000 words and that was that, really.

now, the second difficulty, once i’d decided that was…. what you all probably want me to talk about.

i know this is probably not what you want to hear but: i didn’t really plan this? like, i understand that a lot of people have sort of a headcanon about what happened to ginny in that year in hogwarts but i … don’t. like, as planned as this fic is (which it is, i know where i’m going, i promise) that was always a bit of a blank-space-tbd in my head. i think that this story, as hinny as it is, is mostly about harry. and while i knew what i wanted for harry from her telling her story (for him to get sucked in, for him to realise that his war wasn’t the only war in the world ‘cause he’s been bloody self-centered so far, for him to realise that his plan to protect her didn’t exactly work because it didn’t cater for who she is, etc.), i wasn’t really sure what that story was. i mean, i knew it was going to be bad and traumatic, obviously, but i didn’t know what would happen. and still, to me, what i wrote is a version of that year. it’s not really my headcanon (i still don’t really have one), and i definitely accept other versions, if that makes sense.

this being said, i obviously had thought about it a little. i remember writing chapter one with that line: ‘They have sex for the first time, that day – his first time and it feels like hers, too, but he wouldn’t dare ask, not anymore, anyways’ and thinking i wanted to leave the door open. to me, it was a door completely open: it could have indeed been her first time, or she could have seen someone else (consensually) during that year, or she could have been assaulted. i honestly didn’t know but yeah, that was always a possibility in the back of my head.

then, to tell you the truth, when i wrote the first version of this chapter (the 12,000 words i mentioned earlier), it wasn’t there. i sat down and decided that i wasn’t going to go there. firstly, because, while you probably don’t know this, i’ve written about sexual assault before. my previous long fic, children, in another fandom, dealt (in part) with that. and i didn’t want to be the-fic-writer-who-writes-about-sexual-assault. especially because trust me, there are people who are a lot more legitimate to talk about this than i am. i also didn’t feel like it was necessary to the story, i could do without it and still explain ginny’s early behaviour in the fic, explain her trauma, and have harry realise the things i talked about before. secondly, i’ll be honest: i know this isn’t what people in this fandom want to read. the hinny pairing is mostly about love and fluff (which i love, btw, don’t get me wrong) and i was like, ugh, i don’t want to face the angry comments. i’m writing this a/n the morning before posting so i admittedly don’t know what the reaction will be but i do anticipate a lot of annoyance with me. i knew that a lot of people wouldn’t like it if i went there, and it was just easier not to.

but then, as i started editing, there was a comment (and this, ladies and gentlemen, is a testament to how much your comments fucking matter, okay?). a comment that i remembered reading on the previous chapter and could not get out of my head, no matter how much i tried. well, hello, @whizzfizz. i’ll happily give credit where credit is due. it read:

This made me think of something you mentioned earlier in the fic (possibly Ch1) about Harry not being sure if he was Ginny’s first but that it felt like it. I wonder if this is something that is going to come up in her letters to him.

and, so, it turned. around and around in my head, and i couldn’t get it out. and i kept saying to myself: no, you’re not going there. no, you’re not going there. and then, one night, i caved. i was like, fuck, i need to know if this person really meant what i think they meant by this. and so we talked. a lot. and, i did a lot of thinking. about women. about wars. about violence against women as a an inevitable weapon of war. about ginny being harry’s girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend (more on that later), and what that would have meant in their world. and @whizzfizz, you said something that in the end really sold me. you said: ‘at this point, i don’t think it would be realistic for it not to have happened.’ and, that was that, really.

because i was right, initially. amycus/ginny (ugh, the idea of a pairing makes me throw up in my mouth a little but yeah, there it is) isn’t necessary to the story. but i believe it to be necessary to what this story is trying to show. the plot held well without it, no questions asked. 12,000 words of the da and their battles, of ginny’s rebellions. it was fine. but i think i wanted more than fine. to me (and i appreciate how fucking pretentious that is, please slap me in the face *eyeroll*), castles is more than its plot. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: this is about what is behind ‘all was well.’ it’s about trying to paint a realistic picture of their lives. and that includes the war. and realistically, as far as i’m concerned, knowing how humans fight their wars, knowing our history and the history of violence against women construed as a weapon in literally every conflict there ever was, there is no way that this didn’t happen. ginny says it herself: for us girls, it’s just the way wars are fought.

so, i did go there. and the whole fandom probably hates me for going there, but i sort of stand by it, i have to say. to be honest, on a sort of subconscious level, i kind of wonder: didn’t i always know i was going to go there? like, this fits perfectly into the plot to the point that i think it was probably in my head for much longer than i care to admit. now, i’m so, fucking excited to write next chapter because i finally get to write happy things, and hinny getting back together on rock solid foundations of openness and sharing, and trust, and i’m so, so glad. there are a couple of scenes in the next chapter that i’ve been working towards for months and i’m so, bloody excited to write them. everyone might hate me and i might just be writing this fic for myself now (lol), but again, i stand by the decisions i took. to me, it fits.

phew. okay, now that huge thing is out of the way and explained, here are a few more jumbled thoughts:

the more i think about it, the more i think that my reason for not wanting to be the-fic-writer-who-writes-about-sexual-assault is a bit ridic. children and castles, in that way, are so, so different. like, i appreciate the overlap between the silk fandom and the hp fandom is probably ridiculously small but if you’ve read both stories, they’re obviously very different. one thing that both stories centre on, though, is consent. and to me, that’s probably the most interesting element of ginny/amycus, and the most interesting element of writing characters within a restrictive pov, rather than an omniscient one. like, do i think ginny/amycus is rape? yes. 100%. do i think that ginny thinks it’s rape? that is a much more interesting question. she says it a number of times but i think to her, this is all about control. i think that because of what happened to her with tom, she’s someone who is terrified of losing control of her mind and of her own agency. so as not to lose that, she’s willing to do whatever it takes. it is a ‘you can control my body, but not my thoughts,’ sort of narrative. and, she never says it outright because i think psychologically she’s just not there yet, but tom is everywhere in these letters. and as her world just spirals out, she hangs onto the very few things that she can control: her relationship to harry, and her willingness to do what it takes for them to survive. she initiates the ‘relationship’ with amycus in an attempt to control her fate. later, as she explains to harry she feels a lot of guilt over what she did, and like a lot of sexual assault survivors, she thinks it was her responsibility. because i’m in harry’s head most of the time for this fic, i’m not sure i’ll ever really get to discuss that at length, but it’s definitely something that i wanted to show. another interesting question is: does harry think it’s rape? i think at that point in the fic, he doesn’t have the education, nor the vocabulary for that. i think instinctively (because he is someone who is very instinctive), he doesn’t blame her. if he blames anyone, it’s probably himself. he understands the necessity to do what you have to do to survive and thinks that no, no matter what she claims, that was not consented. that’s kind of what comes out in his annoyingly inarticulate letter to her at the end. beyond that, though, i think he’s a bit lost, just like she is.

on a mildly related note, there is something that i've been seeing a lot in the comments and that i feel like i should maybe address? namely: harry's reaction to ginny dating other people. i assume similar comments will be made about his reaction to ginny/alecto (meaning that he still decides to write to her, at the end of the chapter). i've seen a lot of people observe that he's much more 'chill' about it in castles than in canon. fair point but is he, though? like, he isn't happy about it in castles. and he's jealous as well. but he was never entitled in canon. he was jealous, yes, the chest monster and all that, but he never really did anything about it, and never really impeded on her right to see other people. now, this being said, i agree that in sixth year he might have thrown a tantrum, had she done what she did in castles, but that was sixth year. it was before the war. before he lost half a dozen people. before he had to adult bloody fucking quickly. this being said, i do think castles-Harry is more 'subdued,' i suppose, than canon harry. this is a choice i made early on, which to me is related to the fact that he kind of lost his 'voice' during the war. i mean, it took him six months of people talking shit behind his back to do a press interview to defend himself. i think with ginny, it's a lot of the same. he's a boy who blames himself a lot, and generally doesn't particularly think he deserves the people in his life. to me it's an evolution of his character within the the world of castles. i'm happy to agree to disagree on it, but to me it makes sense within the character evolution and the way the fic's gone, so to speak. now, obviously, he'll grow out of that in due course, but we're not quite there yet.

regarding their relationship, now, i have to say: one headcanon that i did have for this was her not outright telling everyone they’d broken up. i’m sorry, that plan was shit. i just don’t buy for a second that she would willingly have gone ahead with it, and i don’t buy for a second that tom wouldn’t have used her had he known they’d been together, ex girlfriend or not. plus, i think she needed something to hand onto, and that was her relationship with him. her letters. the belief that they would be together again. without it, i don’t think she’d have survived. and i think that summer after the war, they were totally on the same page, for different reasons. both of them kind of saw their relationship as the one thing that kept them afloat, the one good thing they had, partly also because they’d idealised it for so long. she says it as some point, it wasn’t a relationship, it was a lifeline (another sentence i came up with as a response to a comment, lol) and while that is toxic and was meant to crumble at some point, it was necessary for them, both during the war, and in the early days after it. i think her last letter to him is painstakingly correct on that one.

regarding canon, i know i’m bending a couple of things here, which i just wanted to quickly acknowledge: 1) i know jkr has said it’s teddy remus lupin. i just can’t believe, for a moment, that someone who hated himself as much as lupin did, canonically, would name his son after himself. naming his son after his best mate who died to young to become problematic though? i totally see it. so yeah, creative licence, it’s teddy james lupin in this house, lol. 2) when they meet neville in dh, he kind of hints that they’ve only just started to use the room of requirement a couple weeks ago. the text however, only says they’ve only been staying in it full time a couple of weeks ago. i needed them to have somewhere where to meet with the da and stuff, so i bent that a bit. it’s not strictly canon, but it’s also not not canon, if that makes sense.

on seamus blowing things up and talking about eight hundred years of oppression? full disclaimer, while i am french, i have been living in ireland for long enough to become eligible for citizenship in less than six months (yay!). i know some people have said that seamus is a bit of a cliche in the books/films and all (the only irish character keen on blowing things up, haha *eyeroll*), but i actually kind of love it? like, the whole thing about the cranberries and zombie at the start of the fic has been in my head for much longer than i care to admit. i love the idea that there’s this whole muggle war going on at the exact same time that no one ever talks about and actually, i find the idea of wizarding ireland v. muggle ireland and the whole political structure fascinating. like, is wizarding ireland an independent state? what’s the story there? i have a whole seamus fic in my head, partially on this topic, that i might or might not write one day.

lastly, i know this may sound a bit weird but i need to say it: once i’d figured out what and how i was writing it, i bloody loved writing this chapter. first stylistically, i really wanted to mimic the style of how i’d written the magazine article in chapter 5 (i.e. not writing out the whole thing but writing out in text the excerpts that harry focused on) and i love how that turned out. i think it was a good way to balance her words and his, kind of merging them into one, big narrative. second, as a writer, it was so fucking interesting to write someone who knows how to write, which believe it or not i’d never done before. additionally, i loved the challenge of editing this because it was like: i’ve got to edit this, but not too much? i was very careful about modifying and polishing too much of ginny’s speech in the letters because i obviously wanted it to sound like someone who was just writing as the words came to her, without polishing the words, the punctuation, etc. like i usually would. i wanted her to have quirks (she says ‘you know?’ a lot) and i played with her capitalisation and punctuation a bit too. i know these aren’t necessarily noticeable details but it was definitely something that i thought about and that was very fun and interesting to write, as a format.

wow, okay. this was LONG but i think i have everything i wanted to say. if you’ve read all of this (whyyyyy?), thanks so much for sticking around. if you’ve got any questions, anything i didn’t address, do let me know, anon or not, my ask box is open. now, i would love to say i’m going to chill or something, but the truth is that i have to a) actually do a last read through of the fic, lol and b) put it out. this is what i get for writing the a/n before finishing the damn thing, i guess. i’ll rest tomorrow, lol.

lastly, in terms of next chapter, realistically, i’d say eight to ten weeks. i have a full time job now and also, writing this was fucking exhausting and i need to take time out for a bit before coming back to it with a fresh mind. i will be writing other stuff though, i promise. i have a couple of prompts to get to (thanks!!!) and a couple of other ideas so i will probably be posting in the meantime, just not castles.

lots of love,

p.

did I shatter you? pt. 2

part one: you’re not my homeland anymore | part two: when a good man hurts you | part three: there’s an ache in you, put there by the ache in me | part four: my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand | epilogue: what died didn’t stay dead

It was him. There was no denying those overgrown brown locks peeking out from his favorite orange beanie or the ocean within his eyes. His feet skipped a beat at the sound of his name, head raising to stare at her with the pain of a thousand heartaches lurking behind his cloudy gaze. Her chest burned. Both of them in so much pain, so close, and yet still unable to cross the chasm that had opened between them. They stared at each other for a long moment, the snow dampened silence spinning out between them. Luke’s face was pale, his eyes bloodshot from crying or lack of sleep she couldn’t possibly know anymore. He sniffed, raising his arm to wipe at his nose with the back of his overlarge flannel sleeve. So, crying it was. Julie felt like she was staring at a ghost.

“What are you doing here?”

They spoke at the same time, their voices overlapping in a sloppy mess of harmonies they hadn’t practiced in too long. Julie’s heart stuttered at the sound of Luke’s low vibrato. He stared at her as if she was the answer to a prayer he hadn’t known he’d been asking for. Electricity sparked between them, bodies drawing closer together without conscious thought from either one. Julie hadn’t been this close to him for a year. His hair was longer, even more unruly than it had been in the years they’d been together. His face looked tired; brows heavy with the weight of whatever battles he had been fighting alone. Always alone now. Her fingertips itched with the desire to reach up and stroke his cheek. She didn’t have that kind of unspoken permission anymore.

She turned on her heel without a word, soundlessly making her way back to the very same bench she had just vacated. Her steps were sure, no hesitation to wait and see if he would follow. She knew he would. His quiet steps provided the only other noise in the frigid air. They didn’t touch as they each took a seat on the farthest corners of the bench. It was an unspoken agreement to keep that space between them. They needed a buffer zone for this conversation. Julie fidgeted with her necklaces; fingers tucked underneath a chunky knit scarf so they would stay far away from Luke’s body. She watched him tuck his own hands underneath his thighs. At least the feeling was mutual.

Snow accumulated around them in pristine, white piles. Julie watched it gradually stack on her knees, shivered underneath the wetness of slowly melting flakes in her hair. She would be damned if she broke this silence. Luke had come here. He knew how much it had always meant to her and he had come here, on a December day so close to the one she hated most. He could speak first. It only took a few minutes longer for him to break.

“I’ve missed you.”

Three simple little words, yet they cut through her like a finely sharpened blade. She sucked in an icy breath, bracing herself against the burn in her chest.

“You don’t get to say that to me.”

Her words were low, barely an octave above a growl. She stared at him head on, saw him flinch away from the raw emotion in her eyes.

“You chose to leave. You didn’t want to listen to anything I had to say. You left before I could even try to stop you. You don’t get to miss me.”

Her voice had grown stronger with each pointed statement. It was true that Luke had chosen to cut and run instead of stick around and fight for her. But it was also true that she hadn’t chased him down. She had accepted the end of their relationship in silence, too tired at that point to care enough to fight back. She was writing a revisionist history here, and she could tell by the way his eyes blazed that he wasn’t going to let her get away with it. He angled his body towards hers, shoving his hands deep into his coat pockets. Probably so he couldn’t get overworked with hand gestures that she would tease him about.

“You didn’t try to stop me. You never tried. Just let Andi reach out with tour negotiations and recording schedules so you could avoid me at all costs while we fell apart! How the hell was I supposed to talk to you without a middleman? You know I hate sending messages through other people.”

“How else was I supposed to talk to you, Luke?” His entire body shivered at the sound of his name leaving her lips. “You barely came home anymore. The only time I really saw you was at the studio and I was tired of trying to communicate with you through song lyrics. Couples should be able to talk to each other!”

“Oh, like you ‘talked’ to Nick?” He scoffed.

“Jesus Christ, not this shit again. Those tabloid photos were taken from the worst possible angle and there was absolutely no kissing involved, but even if there was, what do you care? I kiss Reggie and Alex on the cheek all the time. Why shouldn’t I kiss an old friend like Nick on the cheek? Just because you said not to? When have you ever not done something just because I asked?”

“That’s different! Reggie and Alex respect you, they respect us! Nick was always just waiting in the wings for me to fuck up so he could swoop in.”

Julie let out a humorless chuckle and shot to her feet, unable to keep the frustrated, restless energy out of her legs as she paced back and forth in front of the bench. Luke stayed seated, but his body was vibrating with tension. She could see the strain in his neck as he fought to keep himself in check.

“That’s where you’re wrong. Nick has never done anything but respect us, and he hasn’t been waiting around for anything! You did just fine burning our relationship to the ground on your own. Don’t stand there holding matches and then blame him because he once owned a lighter! Even before we met, Nick was nothing more than a friend. After you...”

She bit her lip to stop the confession. Luke glared and she suddenly couldn’t help herself, the words tumbling out in a desperate whisper.

“After I met you it was over for me. No one else could possibly compare.”

It felt like they were having the exact same fight they had every day leading to their break-up. Luke never confident enough, Julie never willing to shrink herself for the sake of his pride. She had been a fool to think a year apart would change them. It was always like this. All the ways their souls fit so seamlessly, all the ways they connected, were the same things that sabotaged them every time. They would come together in a moment of perfect harmony, and then suddenly the notes and lyrics would sour, and they would be right back at square one.

Luke was constantly fighting to prove himself, pushing harder in the studio, nagging at everyone in the band until every note was perfect. His passion and drive were never-ending. It wasn’t enough for Julie and The Phantoms to be as successful as they were. Nothing could erase the sting of losing Sunset Curve to Bobby right before they were about to make it big. Nothing could erase the way his parents had dismissed his work, refused to help him fight the label Bobby had moved to because they didn’t see a point to it. Julie still remembered how angry Luke had been when she first met him. Ready to fight the entire world and then some.

She had thought working together was softening him, thought that maybe she was healing him. Things had been so good for the first few years after they made it big. Some lightness had returned to him, and the fame they found as a band had given him the exact connection with the world that he had always craved when playing. Julie had thought that would be enough for him. She had thought she would be enough for him. It was far too late when she realized nothing would ever fill that hole in his heart, not even her.

He had kept those wounds hidden, letting them fester and rot until his entire system was corrupted. She couldn’t fight a ghost, and he let the betrayal poison him against her more and more every day. She would never forget the final words he had screamed at her on this exact boardwalk as they fought about why he cared that Bobby was releasing another album. Would never forget the heavy silence that had fallen over the two of them as they landed like a bomb, tearing her apart in an instant. Well maybe if you wrote music worth stealing you would understand! She had felt their connection snap in that moment, had known with every fiber of her being that it was the end then.

She had left New York that same day. Escaped back to LA and their house in the hills to wait for him, but he never returned to her. It had been the last time she saw him until this exact moment. Julie had dropped The Phantoms from her name and pretended it didn’t feel like she had cut off one of her limbs in the process. She nearly sold her soul to the label reworking her contract into that of a solo artist, and the press had a field day with the breakup since no one would talk about it. Reggie and Alex had come by to collect Luke’s things. The three of them still got together every week they were in town at the same time, but it wasn’t the same. The empty fourth chair at their brunch table always felt haunted.

Luke stared up at her from his position on the bench. Her words had drained the fight right out of him. She watched him crumple, felt her own ire dim. He was deviating from the script now. He was supposed to stand up and yell back at her about how she didn’t understand his pain. He wasn’t supposed to look so defeated already.

“You’re right.”

His confession was a raspy whisper, both words pulled from the deepest part of his soul. She came to a stop in front of him, mouth falling open. He lifted his head, their eyes locking. Tears clung to his lashes.

“It was my fault. I ruined it.”

Her heart flared at his words. He had never before admitted that his attitude had helped lead to their downfall. She felt herself drift towards him, drawn in by the genuine anguish she could see etched into every line of his face. He didn’t reach for her, not even when their knees touched. It was all she could do to stop herself from pulling him close.

“You didn’t deserve that. We didn’t deserve that. I let myself get so worked up over beating Bobby at his own game that I didn’t realize I had already won the better prize.”

Julie felt her breath catch in her throat. She was drowning in the unending depths of his ocean eyes, the pain there just as intense and familiar as her own.

“Losing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Worse than losing Sunset Curve and my songs. Worse than all the bullshit with my parents. Losing you was like losing myself.”

A muffled sob managed to work its way up and out of her throat. Luke’s hands lifted and clenched before he dropped them back to land on his thighs with a smack that echoed in the frozen air. Still so close and so far away at the exact same time.

“I tried so hard, Luke. Nothing I did was ever enough, and you were so angry all the time.”

Now he did stand, jumping up so fast he nearly knocked her flat on her back. His hands shot out to clasp her forearms. She could feel her skin light on fire under his touch even beneath the layers of winter clothing.

“Not with you, Julie. Never with you.”

She nearly wept to hear him say her name like that again. No frustration or annoyance, just pure affection and adoration. Like her name alone was the highest power he could call to.

“You were the one light in my life. I just didn’t see it until you were gone, and I was alone in the darkness. I’ll never regret anything as much as I regret hurting you.”

Julie let herself fall into him, the soft-spoken words a balm to her ragged soul. His arms raised to tuck her body fully into his, the two of them fitting together like puzzle pieces. It wasn’t everything, wasn’t a full reckoning of their past just yet, but it was a start.

So what are your top 5 favorite BTS songs and then top 5 favorite BTS videos?

Then what are you top 5 favorite Jikook moments? Lol Haaaard questions

Gonna combine these two cause I think these are from the same anonie, who I’m starting to think likes to make people suffer djfhskdh (if it’s not from the same person, then big rip) 

Sorry this took so long, I was really trying to narrow it down to top 5 and I think I still ended up failing... I actually do this with my friends but usually, we’re a little bit more generous by narrowing it down to stuff like: top 5 title tracks, top 5 rap-line, top 5 vocal line, top 5 albums, etc... Asking me top 5 songs from their entire discography is absolutely savage.

For my top 5 BTS songs (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER BECAUSE I BARELY NARROWED IT DOWN TO FIVE, YOU CANT MAKE ME RANK THEM):

Blood Sweat & Tears: the monarch, the goat, putting it simply, the absolute best. I honestly remember when the Wings short films started dropping, my friend and I panicked HARD because we were like “WTF IS GOING ON WHAT IS THIS”. And then the teaser dropped, and it was so different from the “typical” BTS we’ve been getting, so we were even more confused. But then... The MV dropped and that was honestly just such a massive turning point for everything. Also, as an ARMY with a Jimin bias, I almost didn’t survive it.

Attack on Bangtan: okay this is honestly just such a fun hype song that never gets old no matter how many times you listen to it? It’s honestly a classic and whenever it plays on Run BTS, I know I’m either about to witness an epic moment or it’s gonna send my ass on the floor from laughing. (Also, let us never forget Tae’s “Nico nico niiii~”)

I Need U: okay this was The song that got me learning all their names and holy shit, I’ve listened to this song so much, it’s currently 5th most played song (out of nearly 2k songs) in my iTunes with 1,338 plays. When one hears “Fall...”, one does not simply resist the urge to belt “EVERYTHANG” with feelings. Also, funnily enough, the one that first caught my eye was Yoongi, there was something so eye-catching about the way he rapped in such a despondent manner at the start of the mv. 

House of Cards: I definitely need to put this one because I’ve listened to this song a total of 2,104 times, if you add the Prologue (short) version total (861) to the full length one (1,243). This was my “hoe” anthem long before My Time was born. I deadass fell in love with the song 10 seconds in, there was no saving me and you cannot stop anyone from doing emo bodyrolls when it comes up. Jikook’s bridge? I can’t sing to save my life but you can bet your ass I’m lipsyncing to that shit every single time.

I HATE THIS. I HATE PICKING THE LAST ONE, I WANT TO FIT THEIR ENTIRE DISCOGRAPHY INTO THIS LAST SPOT FFFFFFF.

And now, the last one... can I cheat and throw Euphoria, Serendipity and Seesaw all at my 5th spot? Cause I REALLY can’t pick one out of these 3 skjdhfkshdkf I have such an emotional attachment to Serendipity and Euphoria at this point (DJ Swivel remix of Euphoria? Hello?? I almost cried??? You are me, I am you?? HMMM????), and Seesaw just really surprised me. I absolutely was not expecting it, but holy shit, Seesaw slapped and it slapped hard. At this point, I’m like, anything Yoongi touches turns to absolute gold, I can’t resist him.

Okay I have so many other faves (Spring Day, Baepsae, etc.) but since you only asked for top 5 and not, like, top 100, I have to stop myself here, but I also very curious about your top 5s if you guys wanna share!! Let’s see how well you do, only narrowing it down to 5.

For my top 5 BTS videos (I only counted Bangtan Bombs and live performances, excluding MVs, since you didn’t specify. Otherwise there are too many... just thinking about how many Run BTS episodes I could fit otherwise lmfao):

Perfect Man: I’m a Jimin stan. What did you expect, me to not include this masterpiece??

As I Told You: Good lord, Jungkook was so fkn attractive in a hockey jersey of all things. I honestly loved it so much, I can listen to the live audio as is.

2018 MMA - IDOL Intro Performance (3J focus): Again, I am a Jimin stan. But seriously, from Hobi hitting every. single. beat. while dancing on a raised platform, to Jimin’s fan dance (I streamed the show live and I couldn’t focus on anything else after), to JK lounging like the absolute king that he is, what’s not to love?

It’s Tricky Bangtan Bomb: oldie but goldie, honestly. All of them were babies but holy shit, if their casual dancing didn’t absolutely make me fall in love with them all over again. It honestly never gets old no matter how many times I watch it.

BTS Carpool Karaoke: I have to admit, I honestly got stuck picking the last one so I went with this one because I feel like this is a really really good video to introduce others to BTS to. From their amazing acapella vocals (JK belting Finesse lives in my mind rent free) to how they were so perfectly themselves? You had Hobi’s sunshine smile in the middle, Baby Mochi, Jin’s “I don’t know what he said, but let’s laugh ha ha ha ha”, etc. 

Okay I have to admit something, I probably forgot like 90% of their videos so if any of you guys mention a video, I might go “AH SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT THAT ONE SKDJFHKSH” so take this list more as a “bangtan videos you should 100% watch” :^)

For my top 5 jikook moments (you absolutely devil, how could you ask me such a question), in no particular order because, again, I actually cannot physically bring myself to rank them:

Jimin comforting a crying JK during LY: (6:05) the way Jimin ran over as soon as he saw Jungkook bent over, facing the backstage. My heart. And he kept JK company for a bit, making sure he was fine before leaving. This whole thing just makes my heart melt into a puddle no matter how many times I think/see about it because it’s like, the timing is just? Anpanman barely started and he just looked over, saw, and ran over. Jesus Christ.

That Jikook moment during SY Seoul Finale: Just how much comfort Jimin must represent for Jungkook to let the dam free once again just seeing his face aghhhhhasgdahj I literally made an entire post about that moment because of how incredibly soft it gets me. I’ve linked it but it’s also my pinned so it’s very easy to find. 

“Are you guys dating?”: (start) holy shit okay so this moment is so sdjkfhkdshkfdhks the way both of them were so giggly? It never fails to make me laugh how absolutely done Joon sounded when he said “push quickly!” Also, just how soft did Jimin make his voice when he asked “are you ready”? and how JK, the single most competitive member of BTS, was just giggling the entire time and didn’t even try pushing Jimin before Jimin ended up eliminating himself. Not to mention how JK couldn’t into Jimin’s eyes and only finally made eye contact with at the very end :^)

MMA 2018: lmao okay so I’m just gonna throw this entire fkn night into the mix. I still remember how it was the wee hours in the morning for me when I started following the live stream and damn, they were literally inseparable the entire time. My TL was exploding in Jikook content and between watching them through the official broadcast and watching the fancams, I was BUSY. They did everything: whispering to each other’s ears, slinging their arms around each other’s shoulders, JK massaging JM’s nape, JK pulling JM down to sit... phew.

GCF in Tokyo: Okay so this is one of those things that the more you think about it, the more you can’t believe it’s real. I couldn’t not include this simply because of how meaningful the whole thing was. There’s so much about it that makes me ????? because JK really booked a two-person trip to Tokyo for Jimin’s birthday. And Jimin genuinely had fun on that trip. The whole thing just shows how comfortable the two of them are with each other because they’d never had gone on a trip together elsewise. I recently saw a Korean movie director’s reaction to GCF and the whole thing didn’t have any subs, but the two reactors were like “ohhh... these two... these two must be really close” (they’d reacted to BTS MVs before, but they’re not familiar with how the members are outside of that). From my limited Korean understanding, the movie director then commented “Because the model and the director are so close, it’s very natural” (if I’ve gotten any Korean followers, I’d love to get confirmation on the words said because my Korean understanding isn’t perfect and I don’t want to be spreading crap around). GCF in Tokyo is also the first video posted under the GCF label, with JK editing the whole thing himself. He filmed, he directed, he edited. And his main actor was Jimin.

I was this 👌🏻 close to adding LY lap sitting and Rose Bowl moments but I had other faves to include so I thought I’d go with something else :^) GCF forced its way into my list, I had no say in it.

Okay so I hope this was enough skdjfhkdshfs this post got really long cause I couldn’t help myself from giving reasons for why I included the ones I did, I’m sorry sjkfhdks Please feel free to share you’re own fave songs/videos/jikook moments!!

Interloper

Request:  Sorry if this is a weird request but can you do a thing where the reader is apart of Queen and after a concert Roger, Brian and John just pass her around like she’s just holes to fuck but when they’re done they’re all super soft and sweet (and Reader’s maybe a little snarky)

Pairing: Roger Taylor x Brian May x John Deacon x Reader

Warnings: Big Ol’ Smut-fest - 18+!, Hate fucking (kind of?), oral sex (m receiving), degradation, facial, handjob, unprotected sex, anal, light spanking, orgasm delay, choking, nipple play, tit fucking (blink and you’ll miss it), free use,dom/sub dynamics (sub!reader)

Words: 5990

A/N: I seem to have gotten myself a reputation for writing group sex and honestly i love that for me. (Is it my brand?) Anyway, I hope the anon who requested this enjoys it!

Taglist: @laedymoon  @somekind-ofcheese @dtfrogertaylor @ezmina98  @vee-ndetta @atomic-watermelon @kellypenac @labessieisallama @deakyclicks @jennyggggrrr @drowseoftaylor @bowiequeen

The stadium was darker now than it had been when you left the stage. It was quieter too, no longer drowned in the noise of the music or the crowd. They’d been wild, making you feel truly welcome on the stage for the first time since the tour started a week earlier. You sighed and dropped what remained of your cigarette next to your previous one, grinding it under the heal of your boot. If you were lucky the boys would have already headed off to the afterparty, left you to get changed in peace and make your way there in your own time. It was part of why you stayed behind, hidden in the wings as you watched the last of the crowd drift out and roadies pack up the instruments and dismantle the lighting rig. You’d needed a smoke anyway, and to try and burn every second of the show into your long-term memory, so it was the perfect excuse. Although, you would have done anything to avoid the rude comments and criticism that were sure to be hurled in your direction had you headed backstage straight away. Because that’s all you’d been getting lately. Not from Freddie, though if anyone had a right to bitch and moan it was him since you were playing second vocalist. Brian’s attitude you could also understand since they had you on guitar for a couple of songs too, but John and Roger had absolutely no right to treat you as appallingly as they had been. You thought it was out of some stupid sense of band loyalty but Freddie insisted it was because they missed shagging you. Maybe you were both right.  

Your footsteps echoed off the walls as you made the solitary journey back to the dressing rooms to change into something a little less stage worthy but no less eye-catching, praying you’d find it empty. You were almost there when you heard voices coming from the other end of the corridor. It had to be them on their way out. With a deep breath you squared your shoulders and held your head high and kept walking right at them. Roger whacked into your shoulder as he passed you, with far too much force for it to be an accident.  “Watch it arsehole,” you spat at his back.  He flicked the V at you.  “Out of the way,” Brian snarled as he shoved past you, followed by a snickering John. You ignored them as best you could, continuing on your way. Clearly the phenomenal show had done nothing to change their minds. If anything, they were more aggro now, having seen the audience, their fans, embrace you wholeheartedly. Freddie was a few steps behind them, flashing you an apologetic look as he reached you, but you waved him off.  “It’s fine,”  “Their being right cocks and you know it.”  “Yeah but I don’t know how to get them to stop. I’ve tried explaining, I’ve tried reasoning, I’ve tried being a bitch, I’m giving up. Clearly it doesn't matter to them that we used to get on so well, so I’m done trying.”  “They need a good stern talking to. Sit them down like naughty schoolboys and yell for a bit.”  You laughed, “Yeah, maybe."  ��All I know is It's getting boring, this winging.”  “For me two Fred. But they can’t keep it up for the whole tour, that’s bloody months. They’ll have to get sick of it soon.  His shrug was disheartening but he didn’t have a chance to say much more as Brian called for him to hurry up.  “Do you want me to wait for you?”   “Nah, you go ahead,”  He nodded, leaving you with a squeeze of your shoulder. You took your time getting changed into a short tight dress, sequins around the hem to catch the light, perfect for a party and, bonus, not stinking of your sweat, before grabbing your stuff and heading out to the car.  

The party was in full swing when you got there, music blaring and drinks flowing. You rolled your eyes at the sight of Brian chatting up a woman almost young enough to be his daughter and skirted around them on your way to the bar. You were two shots in, starting to wonder which of the people making eyes at you would be worth your time, when you felt a hand on your waist. Turning your head just enough to see him out of the corner of your eye you realised who it was, cutting him off before he could utter whichever godawful pickup line he was about to use.  “Fuck off Roger, I’m not who you’re looking for.”  His hand slipped away from you, “Oh for fucks sake, it’s you.” He was slurring just enough to notice, “Thought you’d be off slutting it up by now.”  “Isn’t that your job?”  “Pretty rich coming from someone who blew her way to the top. At least I fucking worked for it.”  “You know I worked for it too,”  “Sure, worked at suppressing your gag reflex.”  “God I am so fucking sick of this shit. How many times do I have to tell you none of it was my fucking idea? Freddie was the one who set up the meeting with the record company and they were the ones who thought it’d be a good idea to stick me on the album. I didn’t volunteer for this. Believe me, if I had shagged myself into a record contract I wouldn’t be hanging around with you pricks. I’d be releasing my own album with my own songs.”  “You used to like our pricks. Couldn’t get enough of them.”  “Jesus, Freddie was right.”  “About what?”  “Nothing. Sod off would you? There’s a guy over there who looks hung and easy and your scaring him off,”  “Not me, love, your atrocious singing’s done that already.”  “You’re such a wanker.”  “Bitch,”  “Cunt,”  “Now now children. Meant to be a party.” Freddie said, tapping on the bar for another drink.  “It’s fine Fred, I’m...”  “Don’t you dare say you’re going. This is your party too and it’s much too early for a cohost to leave,” he turned towards Roger, “pull your head in Rog, just for one night.”  “Can’t believe you’d take her side in all this, she’s a fucking bitch,”  “Used that one already Rog, getting sloppy.”  “Oh enough already. I’m sick of the constant bickering. Where are Bri and Deaky we need to have a band meeting, upstairs, now.”  “Christ, don’t get your knickers in a twist.”  “Just find them.” 

Freddie charmed the key to a function room out of the bartender’s hands and the two of you made your way upstairs. You both fell silent as you waited in the dimly lit room. There were a number of large round tables covered in white table clothes, each surrounded by chairs. Some of them were still laid out with cutlery and half-drunk jugs of water, left overs from whichever event had finished before your party started, the staff called away to help man the bar and offer appetisers to everyone downstairs before they could finish tidying up.  “Wonder what was going on in here?” you asked as you sat in one of the chairs  “Wedding reception?” Freddie ventured, halfheartedly.  You both fell silent, not entirely sure what else to say. He’d listened to you whine about the other three enough times to know everything you were thinking and you could tell his patience was wearing thin. It took the others about twenty minutes before they joined you, grumbling the whole time.  “C’mon Fred, what’s this about? Ruined my shot with Tabitha just now,”  “Tabitha? That’s a cat’s name,”  “Shut up Deacy,”  Roger laughed as he dropped into a spare seat, already pushed out from a table.  “Shut up all of you.” Fred said loud enough to make them pause.  John turned away from Brian, looking for a place to sit, when his eyes fell on you, the grin sliding off his face, “What’s she doing here? Thought this was a band meeting?”  “It is,”  “She’s not part of the fucking band Fred,”  “On this tour she is.”  “No way,” Brian half shouted, “If that interloper is here then I’m going,”  “Brian, fucking hell, just stop for two seconds.” Freddie stepped in front of the door to block Brian’s path, and looked over to you. For a moment you thought he was going to try and appease Brian by throwing you out but instead he just said, “give them a right bollocking,” before darting out the door and slamming it shut. All four of you were frozen until you heard the unmistakable sound of the lock and then Brian was at the door, jiggling the knob and yelling, “let us the fuck out of here Mercury, or I swear to God.”  “Not until you sort your shit out.” Freddie yelled back, “I’m off to have another drink, I’ll be back in a few hours and I expect you all to be friends by the time I return.” 

“This is all your fault,” Roger pointed at you, catching the attention of the other two, “You shouldn’t even be here,”  “And why not?”  “Because you’re not part of Queen.”   “You heard Freddie, I am for this tour.”  Your statement was met with scoffs of derision and rolled eyes.  “Jesus, what is your problem?” You turned your back on Brian to glare at John and Roger, waiting for someone to answer. John was the first to speak, surprising you. His resentment had always been a bit quieter than the other two, whispered comments and underhanded criticisms rather than outright name calling. If anyone had been taking bets you would have placed your money on Brian throwing the first stone.   “Our problem is you. Just turned up one day and started singing”  “And playing guitar,” Brian chimed in.  “Yes, exactly,” John continued, pointing at Brian to emphasise his point, “And we had to change shit to accommodate you.”  “It was okay for a song or two but a whole album?” Brian scoffed, “And then we were told you were joining us on tour! Is it gonna happen again with the next album? It’s like your trying to worm your way into a permanent place in this band and we don’t like it.”  “Groupie’s aren’t meant to be on the fucking stage with the band they whore around for.” That was Roger.  “Jesus fucking Christ,” you got to your feet, unable to sit still any longer, “You’re acting like fucking children. You know full fucking well I didn’t organise this and if you really have that much of a problem you can take it up with any of the execs. It was all their idea. Easy way to get my name out there since I’m already acquainted with you.” You paused for a moment to take a breath, “Freddie was fucking right about you. You’re not upset with my performance. You know damn well I can sing and obviously everyone else thinks I’m good enough to be here. No, the real reason you’re all pissed off is that I don't fuck you anymore.” the longer you spoke the louder you got, feeding off the stunned looks the boys were giving each other, “You’re threatened by me because I used to be your groupie and now I’m standing in your spotlight. You’re mad that I’m getting the same sort of attention you used to get from me. Bet you get a little jealous every time you see me with some other guy. Maybe I should take it as a bit of a compliment though, since apparently no one else can suck or fuck as well as me.”  Minutes passed in almost silence, the only sound you huffing as the rage at weeks of mistreatment was released. You caught your breath, and still no one talked. The silence felt like it was closing in on you, pressing against your ears as you waited for one of them to say something in return. When none of them did you brought your hands to your hips and stared them all down, “Nothing to say? Guess that means I’m right. So I’ll make you a deal.”  “A deal?” Brian was trying to act unimpressed but there was curiosity in his tone.  “Tonight. I’ll give you tonight like I used to before you all turned into giant fucking arseholes. And in return you stop bitching about me being here. I’m not going anywhere so either you can accept my offer and be nice to me for the rest of this tour, or you can spend the next couple of months being petty dickheads. No skin off my nose what you choose. Either way I walk away from this one step closer to releasing my own music.”  “What do you mean tonight?” Roger asked, leaning forward in his seat.  “I mean that for the rest of the night I’m yours. You can share me around, do whatever you want with me, treat me like your own personal slut. And then tomorrow you’ll be nice to me. You’ll complement my singing instead of picking apart my performance. You’ll keep your rude comments and name calling to yourselves. And you’ll accept that I’m playing with you until we get told otherwise. Deal?  The three of them looked at each other. Clearly that was the last thing they’d expected you to say.  “Well? Are you in? Because if not I’m happy to try breaking down the door instead.”  “Knees. Now.”  “Jeez, alright Rog,” you rolled your eyes at his sudden shift, “d’you want me to call you Sir as well, or will my silent obedience suffice?”  “God she’s got a mouth on her,” John said, stalking towards where you stood in the middle of them all, “think it needs to be filled.”  “You always did like my mouth, didn’t y-” you were cut off by the way he grabbed your face in one hand, fingers and thumb pressing into your cheeks.  “Bitch has got an attitude problem,” he announced to the other two before lowering his voice and speaking directly to you again, “Now kneel like you were told to, so we can fuck it out of you.”  You nodded as much as you could, cheeks aching under his firm grip. He held you for a moment longer, staring at you as if he were daring you to talk back again, before he let you go. You fell to your knees instantly, looking up at him as he undressed methodically. You would have helped him tug his pants off except that Roger moved to kneel behind you, holding your wrists firmly behind your back while he leaned into your ear.  “You can call me Sir if you like. Daddy works too, know you get wet just saying it. Whatever you choose I hope you’ll remember to keep being good for us, love. We’re gonna use you every single way we can think of tonight. Show you how frustrated we’ve been with this whole situation.” The hand he wasn’t using to pin your wrists moved over your body, making you breakout in goosebumps as he teased your nipples through the fabric of your dress.  “Remind us what your safeword is,” John said, stepping closer as he lazily stroked his dick.  “Saxophone,”  “Saxophone. Good. Now open wide,” he tapped the tip of his cock against your lips and you took him in. Roger’s grip on your wrists tightened as your hand twitched, your instinct to wrap your fingers around John’s cock trying to take over. Instead you had to content yourself with bobbing down his length, pressing your tongue to the underside as you adjusted to him.  “Good girl,” he cooed softly, “gonna deepthroat me like a proper whore.”  You hum caught him off guard and he bucked his hips into you. The gag you made in response ruined any chance you’d had of taking your time to adjust, sending John into a frenzy and encouraging him to make you gag again and again. Before you knew it, he was holding your head steady as he fucked your throat, unrelentingly. Between John’s grunts and Roger’s hand, still toying with your breasts, you were completely oblivious to Brian. So, Roger releasing your hands and Brian yanking one of them up over your head, was a complete surprise. You placed the other against John’s thigh as Brian nudged your open palm with his semi-hard cock, rubbing himself against you until you closed your hand around him. Your position made it difficult to jerk him off properly, but you could feel him getting harder as he rutted into your hand. Roger took advantage of his now free hands, trailing both down your body and onto your thighs before dragging them slowly up and under the skirt of your dress. You could feel the sequins around your hem scratching lightly over your skin as the material was pushed to bunch up around your waist. You jerked your head back, releasing John with a pop as Roger rubbed your clit over your underwear. He stopped too soon, making you whine, and instead placed a hand on the back of your head.  “Thought you said we could do whatever we want with you. Don’t recall anyone saying you could stop,” he pushed your head forward again until you were once again gagging around John, “now this was your idea so you’re gonna be a good whore and take what we give you.” He gripped your hair and pulled you back before shoving you down again, all the while talking in your ear, “John wants you to swallow so you’re gonna swallow. If we want you to beg, you’ll beg. Whatever we give you, you will take and you will thank us for it. We’re going to use every inch of you. We don’t care how prettily you sing for everyone or how much money you make for the execs. We only care about how well you take our cocks, understand?”  You had no hope of responding as John resumed thrusting into your mouth but Roger didn’t seem to mind, more concerned with feeling you up. 

John’s hands replaced Roger’s on your head, his grip tightening as his orgasm drew closer. Each jerk of his hips had you gagging, mascara ringing your eyes where tears had clung to your eyelashes and been blinked off. He came with a string of grunted curses, filling your mouth, and ordered you to swallow before he let go of you, streaks of bright lipstick left in your wake. Brian gave you the few seconds it took for him to move in front of you and kick off his pants before he was grabbing your hair and pulling your mouth to his cock. With both hands free you clung to his legs, creating small, crescent shaped indents on the back of his thighs. You only noticed Roger’s absence when John, sunk to his knees beside you, his fingers taking up where Roger’s had been, prying your underwear away from you for long enough to shove his hand inside and run his fingers along your slit, pausing at your clit to rub it softly.  “God you’re fucking soaked,” he laughed, “Don’t know why I’m surprised. You came up with this little plan way too quickly for it to be spur of the moment. I think you’ve missed being our fuck toy. Probably been looking for an excuse to present yourself to us like this. I think you like being used by us and I think you missed having your holes full of us. Missed how we taste, how we make you feel,” his fingers pressed harder against your clit briefly before shifting back to the softer touch, “I think the spotlight of the stage can’t compare to the rush you feel knowing you’ve been a perfect whore for us.”  You whined around Brian earning a panted laugh from him,  “That’s right, slut,” he said from above you, “keep making those sounds. Know you want me to cum in your mouth. And all it does is prove us right.”  John pushed a finger into you, and another of your whines was muffled by Brian, burying his cock in your throat, holding you with your nose pressed into his pubic hair. A shiver ran through your body as your dress was unzipped, falling open to expose your bare back. Your chest tightened, screaming for air, and you frantically tapped on Brian’s thigh. He let you go, reeling backwards with a final gag as he slipped from your mouth and you were free to gasp for air.   “F-fuck,” you managed to choke out as your dress was unceremoniously pushed off your shoulders and down your arms. Brian was still in front of you, hand sliding up and down his shaft as he readjusted his other hand in your hair, pulling your head up a little higher.  “Close your eyes and open your mouth,” he growled, holding you still. The last thing you saw before you shut your eyes was his hand speed up, working himself to release his load over your face. Some of it landed on your tongue but more splattered over your cheek and chin.   Brian chuckled as he ran two of his impossibly long fingers over your chin, pushing the cum up to your lips. You dutifully sucked on his fingers but a loud bark of laughter distracted both you and Brian. 

“What the fuck are you doing carrying lube around in your jacket, Rog?” John was collapsed on the floor in a fit of giggles.  “What? Thought that girl with the big arse might show up again tonight, wanted to be prepared.”  “You’ve been wearing the jacket all day, how long has it been in there?”  “Not that long, Crystal got it for me after the show. But y’know,” he pushed on your back between the shoulder blades until you fell forward onto your hands, “you wanna make fun of me, you won’t get to fuck her arse.” He brought his hand down onto your backside, making you jump. You felt your dress being pushed up to your waist, and your underwear being slipped down your legs until they were tangled around your knees. There was a brief pause as you heard him unzip is his pants. The next thing you expected to hear was him popping open the lube, but instead he eased into your cunt. He went slow but it made your breath catch in your throat all the same. Once he was buried in you as deep as he could go he began to pull out again, almost all the way before he snapped his hips forward, driving back into you hard.  “Oh, fuck,” you gasped, letting yourself collapse on your arms, resting your head against them. You could feel the last of Brian’s cum smearing across your cheek and onto your arm as Roger continued his slow pace. You’d almost forgotten about the lube until you head him flick open the tube. It was cold against you when he squirted a generous amount over your arse, carefully using his fingers to begin stretching you out. You moaned, the combination of his fingers and his cock pushing you steadily closer to orgasm. But not fast enough. You moved your arm, slipping it under your body with the idea of rubbing your clit until you came.  “Would one of you stop her?”  John grabbed your arm and pulled it back before you could get your fingers where you wanted them.   “No, please, I need more,” you whined, shifting your other arm out from under your head. Brian grabbed that one, both of them pinning your wrists out in front of you.  “Please let me touch,” you said into the carpet, trying to wriggle free of their grip. Roger brought the hand that wasn’t occupied down on you again, drawing a yelp from you.  “Told you we were gonna show you how frustrated we’ve been. So you don’t get to cum that easily. If you’re good you’ll be rewarded.”  He picked up his pace, rolling his hips into you faster, making you cry out though he wasn’t angled quite right to hit your g-spot. Without warning he pulled his fingers from your arse and you found yourself being yanked up, Roger’s hand wrapping around your throat to hold you against his chest. You could hear Brian laughing as your eyes fluttered shut and you moaned, only for Roger to squeeze your throat and cut it off. For a moment you floated there, willing Roger to just make you cum, but the sound of a chair being dropped in front of you brought you back to the room. John sat down and leaned forward to grab your tits, tugging on your nipples until you winced.   “Y’know, going bra-less was completely unnecessary in that dress. Just more proof you wanted to whore around for us.” He said as he used his hold on your nipples to pull you away from Roger’s chest. Roger’s hand remained tight on your throat as John slid his cock between your breasts, using his grip and the motion of Roger’s thrusts into you, to push them up and down his shaft.  “She likes it when you call her a whore. Fuckin’ squeezes her cunt.”  “Is that right, huh? You want to be our pretty cumslut that badly? Good. We’re gonna cover you in it. Gonna fill you so full of spunk you won’t be able to move without it dripping down your legs. And you’re going to beg for it, aren’t you? Go on, beg roger to cum in your pussy.”  “Pl-ease, Roger, please cu-m in my pussy.”  “More,” Roger growled as he rammed into you again and again, rapidly heading towards his climax.  “Pl-please cum in me Rog. I nee-ed it. Want, want to fee-l you fi-ll my pussy.”  Roger slammed into you twice more, hard, holding himself balls deep in you as he hit his release, grunting, voice strained as he told you what a good whore you were. 

You whined as his softening cock slipped out of you and he moved aside. But you didn’t have time to miss the feeling of being filled too much before Brian was placing his arms under your shoulders and lifting you to your feet. John stood and pushed your dress and panties from you completely, leaving you naked. You let them pull you around, barely able to concentrate on anything other than the ache between your legs and the tight coil in your stomach that felt like it could spring loose at any moment. John pushed himself onto one of the tables, legs dangling over the edge as Brian lifted you up too. You were unceremoniously dumped on John’s lap, his hands pulling you until you were lined up with his cock. He swatted at your thigh. You squeaked and sunk down onto him, rocking against him.  “Where’d that lube go?”  There was some shuffling noises from somewhere behind you followed by a triumphant, “aha!” and then John was grabbing your hips to stop you as Brian came closer. When he spoke he was right behind you, his breath on your ear sending a shiver down your spine.  “Since Rog was so good as to stretch you out for me, shouldn’t have any problems taking my cock,” he turned and spoke over his shoulder, “Thanks Rog.”  “Yeah yeah, whatever,” Roger said, voice distorted by the cigarette between his lips.  You leaned forward, wrapping your arms around John’s neck as Brian spread your cheeks and began easing himself into you. John teased you the entire time, rolling your nipples between his fingers as he told you how hot you sounded whimpering like you were. By the time Brian was fully sheathed inside you, you were panting against John’s shoulder, desperate for one of them to move properly. You squirmed between them, trying to encourage them to fuck you but neither was having it.   Brian slapped your thigh, “Hold still. You’ll get to cum once you’ve proved you can be a good slut for us.”  “I will. I am. I promise I’ll be the best slut you’ve ever had, please just fuck me.” You whined, lifting your head up so they could all hear you properly.  A chorus of laughter followed, even as you continued to beg. You were cut off mid word as Brian pulled back and plunged into you again, starting slow but rapidly picking up speed. John leaned back on one hand, his other resting on your hip, letting you rock forward on his cock with every one of Brian’s thrusts. It was by no means the first time you’d ridden John or the first time you’d let Brian in your back entrance, but you’d never had them both at the same time before. You were left completely breathless, feeling fuller than you ever had in your life. Brian was in your ear, breath coming hard as he semi-coherently grunted his thoughts about how fucking tight you felt and how much he’d missed fucking you like this. His hands were all over you, trying to find the best way to hold you as John did the same, occasionally knocking each other out of the way. The closer to the edge he drew, the tighter John held you, pushing himself to sit up a little more so he could grip you with both hands. It was intoxicating, feeling both of them practically fighting over where they could touch you, hold you, the almost innocent skin to skin contact making you burn up. Your own moans were rising in pitch as Brian slammed into you repeatedly, each thrust making your clit drag against John’s pubic bone. You shook as you finally came, feeling Brian still behind you, shooting ropes of cum into you as he groaned in your ear. John dropped his head to your shoulder as you clenched around him, swearing as he came.   “Shit,” he gasped as his orgasm subsided, “Was planning to cum on your tits. Pussy just felt too good though.” 

You could feel the mix of his and yours and Roger’s cum dripping down the inside of your thigh as John gingerly helped you off the table.   “Does that mean she’s ready for me again?” Roger asked, grabbing your hair and yanking your head back. You whimpered as he spun you round, pushing you to bend over the table. He wasted no time, plunging into your arse as you balled up the crisp white tablecloth in your fists.  “Like you best like this, a fucked out whore, all placid and obedient. No more snarky fucking comments. Just holes begging to be filled.”  You cried out as his fingers found your clit, relentlessly determined to push you over the edge again. Cum dripped out of you with every shift of your hips, little drops hitting the floor between your feet. All you could do was whine and moan as Roger ruthlessly used you, gasping and groaning himself.  “Attagirl,” Roger gently cooed when you came, shaking. He slapped your arse again as he drew closer to the edge, leaning his whole body weight on you as he fell over it. He removed himself from you and helped you to stand, catching you when your legs began to give out. You were gently lowered to the floor where you lay down, arms spread wide, breathing deeply.  “You look good like this,” Brian said, kneeling beside your head, “Makeup all smudged, sweaty and dripping. You look used.”  “You laughed softly as he lifted your head and shoulders, propping you up so you could lean against his knees.  Roger reached out to brush a sweaty strand of hair from your face, “Are you okay?”  “Yeah,” you cleared your throat to make your voice stronger, “Especially since you’re all being nice to me again.”  “Sorry we were such pricks, promise you won’t hear another bad word from us. Unless it’s well deserved.”  Before you could respond John was dropping beside you, a jug of water in one hand and a handful of paper napkins in the other.  “Sorry, door’s still locked so we can’t actually get to the bathroom or anything. But I found these on one of the tables, if you wanted to clean up.”  You thanked him, dipping the corner of one napkin in the water and taking it straight to your face, scrubbing to remove the remnants of Brian’s cum from your cheek.  “Hang on, love, missed a spot,” Roger said, taking the napkin from you and swiping at your chin. You could tell he was trying to be as gentle as possible, smiling at you when you thanked him. Brian’s fingers found their way to your arms, trailing soft, calming lines up and down your skin as you relax into him. John did a similar thing over the calf he’d knelt beside, although it felt less deliberate than Brian’s movements.   “Do you want some help cleaning up the rest of it?” John asks, pointing vaguely between your legs, cheeks still slightly flushed from the exertions of the previous few hours.  “Jeeze Deaky, give her a chance to recover before you try and get started on round...what are we up to?”  “Bugger off, that’s not what I meant,” John says, shoving Roger slightly. He turned to you, “I swear it wasn’t. You just look tired.”  “I know, John,” you reassure him, “but I think I’d rather do it myself. Sensitive and all that.”  Brian dipped his head down, pressing a soft kiss to your temple, “None of us have said it yet but you were wonderful. Firstly, for suggesting it and also for taking it all so well.”  “Y’know it’s a bit of a shame you didn’t add to the mess, Brian. Could have had all three of you leaking out of me.”   “There’s still time,” Roger said, grinning mischievously at you, “technically you did promise us the rest of the night, and if I’ve gotta hold my tongue around you for months then I’d like to get as much use out of you as I can.”  “He’s right, you did say all night. And I’m certain we could find plenty of other ways to keep you busy.”  “Are you guys serious?” you said as you tilted your head back to look up at Brian, “You really wanna go again? Now?”  “Don’t worry, we’ll need a bit of time to recover first.”  “Perhaps,” John said, leaning in slightly, “Once we get out of this room, we can take you back to the hotel and figure out what else to do with you. Personally I’d like to see your tits painted with cum, but I’m sure the other two have ideas of their own.”  “Might have to stuff your panties into your cunt to stop any more from dripping out of you.” Roger said, voice low and rough, making you clench your thighs together.  “I guess I did say all night,” you said, trying not to sound too excited, “but this means I get to write a song on the next album.”  “Don’t push it, love. Just because we’re being nice doesn’t mean we’re over it.” 

By the time Freddie remembered to come and get you the four of you had redressed and cleaned up the mess you’d made. He’d opened the door to find you sitting around talking and laughing.  “Well this is different,” his voice drew your attention, “Thought I’d come back and find at least some evidence of a fight. But instead, no yelling, no broken chairs, no black eyes.”  “We came to an agreement,” you said shrugging, “They’re going to play nice from now on.”  “Y/N you common hussy, you fucked them all didn’t you? You know that’s not the sort of bollocking I meant.” 

An Odyssey Through Music, Muses, Madness and Magic

(Buckle up Tumblr, this is a long poem) 1. The isle guardians of vinyl Unwittingly nervous to the necromancy I have planned An inner storm so terrible But I was Struck by his Occult missive So laden down was I By all the lyrics, the words With characters told through dark supergods As Aleister Crowley is to Led Zeppelin is to David Bowie And now me Lost among them Buried within them The pages of ancient texts And the liner notes of the albums Held far too close to the heart Though I tried, perhaps I merely formed mystery at my own doom The records of the sorcerers Performing an infernal scratching on my psyche Breaking down what was there and carving out what could be But whether it should be Is still uncertain to me. 2. I found the darkness in riffs The wall of sound I was into Inhabited by self-admitted aliens Aleister’s hellfire brought to light My heavy work held up The symbolizing of some god Archaic and forgotten Through a ring Art cracks All the people that stare loveless Into your eyes But I would be different I would be realized Something broken Mended Yet still wrong But I would Make myself into something else With your words The fascination told fables A way out, a way through I would find my way to you Through the cracks. 3. Once artwork I became their voice Lurking in the shadows of time On the periphery Of reason Madness could be a thrilling companion And with the records transcendent And the races lost The shout rang out Are You Experienced? I am and am not Like an abysmal and sunken ship Lost in the depths of the ocean Alone and devoid of meaning Abandoned everything to Grooves, characters, truths And once there inhabiting these my psyche Broke open spilling out visions, words Like arcane knowledge Dancing carelessly over the line Between the sacred and profane Whispering it’s so nice to see you here again And my mind became a bookshelf filled with ancient wisdom A record player Playing albums that told lies like they were the truth I uncovered the Necronomicon Had lives in Atlantis Sat with the sound and vision Of a populated landscape Woven through history Like a single thread Linking everything I became a fixture Fantastic Within the hidden music of a paperback I would not be forgotten there. 4. Of those who sought And those who chose A wriggle of religious fanaticism in claim And its origins an apparent expression of salvation I say You are nothing and have nothing for me With your hierarchy and worry over the threat Of music and sexuality And your constant waging of war against me When mine and yours is a history of burning I have nothing to give you You’ve already taken too much from me I want what was mine back With your wicked face as old as These chords I worship And your evil work to further ministers As meaningful to me as a rotten turnip Yet of my conjuring powers You disbelieve When honey, you should fear me And not the other way around I hope that when you are most afraid You say my name. 5. Mobs make parents worried They claim the rock audience chaos Is just hormonal fury A response to what is true Inside of both me and you There is more than this A kind of magic If you look for it Religious In the way we turn musicians Into gods and goddesses Idol worship But is that all it is? In the truest sense An ancient rite Long buried and forgotten Rising up inside us all Those who dare to dance And by prohibiting and demonizing The ones who shake their fists Lose their sense Always the sound of agitation But I saw these pagan spirits first Before I heard your protesting words Theirs speak louder to me Than your hatred ever could. 6. To the electric teenager Finding your way Rebellion is autonomy It is tradition To push boundaries Yet each new generation of adults Somehow forgets these Eternal truths It's not your fault They're afraid of your youth Don't listen Hold on Your fire will make the world a better place For you. 7. Could this ancient thread Of reality and magic infused with dangerous potential Normally inhabited by far greater Magicians than I could ever be Break me? I am traversing this rough terrain Of shared perception With aliens These common visions a violence What could I even be? Nothing more than a mystery To those around me Lost in this metaverse I have accessed Through song, collage, words Chaotic, such occult meanings They and often I End in something Beyond reason Scratching out messages of methods The angels referenced spoken vast by terrifying qualities These opposing sorcerers Like a guitar screeching endless feedback Which demons? Sex? Drugs? Words? Palpable as suggesting a penultimate hidden secret Impenetrable beyond nothingness and Nonetheless I must find it Even if I have to destroy myself trying Nothing is more important Than this truth. 8. Years go by and I come about left handed Shaped by a tarot card about the arts and earlier The room Space Death I know spirituality I see it in my brother’s eyes Only the inner outer world collides But of the Beatles or beetles They didn’t understand How To make the world bend at your command Of this phenomenon devotees are Reckless Breathtaking in their beauty And chaos It takes a certain kind of madness Or perhaps maybe genius To choose this path To withstand the pressure Of reality kneeling At your feet Bending to your will I will break it before it breaks me Oh brother, don’t you worry I always find my way out of the darkness And besides, hell has never bothered me I am the master of my own design The maker of my own making Nothing else can touch me. 9. Imagination turns listeners into participants Gives power to the powerless Those converted shaped by few ideas Dreams Had rock’s Hare Krishna LSD Asking questions Whose inner world could I be? And as it moves, a cultural generation Becomes magical More magical than entire rock bands Than holy men and women Fashioned by the young The carbon copy progressives Lying like Houses Already vast Led by the words of the Bhagavad Gita You should have listened to me When I had the cards already free I tried to warn you what was coming But no one ever hears me Invisible as I am Until so repulsive, so strange You can’t look away from me You really should have listened You can't say I didn't try to warn you. 10. This is bigger than I am Stretched too thin like skin Over bone was and into The board, into the planchette Could enchantment make me forget? The board is vibrating Shaking like hands The grazing of sleeves Culture, vinyl Seemed out from under our covers Like what was hidden There, even tucked away those records Though of nothing gatefold came No reason to be afraid Other than the fingers that have become potent The light that has now dimmed And what could I have been To all who pulled that woven magic Out of my childhood? Could it be the way was manifest Curled up snugly against your breast? As warm candlelight over the Ouija Plastic memories came From which I had imagined the feelings like air between Bewitched but hovered from Somewhere above our heads I wished that I was dead Or that something would end. 11. Experiences divorced from reality Covers rock personas Cut out images appear worse But Dionysus would love this His child Who has people staged Like personal shamanic relics Thinking writing something mystical That I would seek this That I sought this Is surely a form of madness But all the logical illogical reasoning shows A kind of rare dedication to the cause These rites are magical Why speak of demons And why speak of devils? I have conjured and created Something new out of the ancient Like nails Scratching deep grooves into a record album I have altered something Broken it As their gods create chaos simulating insanity As if they even have to in me I am the false image of a human performed By a front magician Playing at being god In these moments of desperation Carrying the weight of lives As though my power were absolute My belief almost religious Fanatical My concerns become concerts When I am on my own Wondering why happiness has abandoned me And where all the merrymakers have gone Why I am more Anubis than Pan Why myth seems written in lyrics As musicians play me like a fiddle Play me for a fool I am possessed Into thinking I am appearing as many legends Something older than time itself A life bringer A life destroyer With the power to stop or start it all I needed to believe I had the power To save all of you To destroy all of you To protect myself If I needed to And I don’t know if I can save myself From the things I want to do As the darkness envelops me And my mind becomes unglued So go ahead and do what you always do And blame it on the music When we all know the truth It’s always been you. 12. Rumination is realization I wandered alone Within the elements and to God Unintelligible Words became strange as Rogue faeries genuine Approach looking wing Impenetrable as I have become What I’d produced went away from me Flew out of my control Reborn in catastrophe When where into situations I went From film to film I sense in time a song Things start about a room and again Became revolt But maybe that’s just what happens when you’re Involving the occult Bring out the old rock n roll safeguard Make it out of symbols and sigils A complete thought catalogue so arcane It would leave you spellbound for days My mind prison And that in myself some Christ was born A thought so seductive to be sure I would take control of these pursuits But unlike you Hatred would never do I would never fight against passion Your fear I came to hear Against spaceships, rituals, the mystical, Sex, magic Your terror So absolutely Psychological I felt protection close at hand And I was real myself, as I really am In and out of my depth Battling against you and your demands I came out cleaner Stronger And what became of you? Shhh, no telling I won’t spoil the ending No good to warn the enemy Of what is coming But You really should have been listening You should have been watching What was happening. 13. He said, you should have started with Kether Been sure of the path you were following After all Magic, like blood, stains But these moments were wonders They could drive out the fear of fortune, destiny Hanging over my head I was taking control Creating my own instead As thin as the thread that links us all Tenuous, fragile Like a mind on the verge of breaking Under the weight of a cruel reality The walls would speak to me Whispering When will you come to me From here or there And find me in a room High above the clouds Where we could build our love? It’s not enough It’s a drug And I need it As lovers we were And I, such as the mountains Looming, shy Unable to look you in the eye But here is the stuff of legend Sound soars like a movement Lost to the ages I never thought myself better than this moment Lost as I once was Now flashing light and colour Connected to everything Raising you like the devils they spoke of Dancing my way to Malkuth A fearless necromancer Disregarding all the rules. 14. I am the sun I am the ocean I am the mountains and the streams I am the demon who would be with you In all your wildest dreams Where men circle around you Desperate to keep you You land like sand flowing through my hand I did not try to hold onto you So you let me keep the thread Through this glass I was searching Broken as the cracks But now I am returning Now I am mending And once you were evasive Elusive Like a high I was chasing Or the first drink, the tenth, or the last But now I find you woven into everything Believing we were thrown together like darts Bending like space and time I was searching for this Searching for you In desolate stations We would be protected Dredging the world to a ditch Just to find you Just to become more than this You are a wonder Among wondrous things And I am bird Who has found his wings Overlooking humanity From up on high I have found me in you This time And of all the things they can take from me That will never be one of them For I am the sun I am the ocean I am the mountains and the streams I am the demon who would be with you In all your wildest dreams But above all else What is more I have found peace Dancing in the flames of this madness They tried to call a disease I am me I am me I am me.

Thank you @hometothecanyonmoon for tagging me!!

1) When did you become a Louie?

Embarrassingly late. I’d say around mid-April 2020, since that’s around the time I learned about Larry and joined the 1D fandom. I focused mostly on Louis and Harry and whatever they got up to, so during that I just noticed little quirks and started to pick up on their personalities. Harry is sweet and dorky and I adore him, but I love Louis’ wit and his sarcasm and his compassion, basically his character in general. Afterwards, I learned that Louis has recently released LT1, so I downloaded the entire album to give it a listen and have not stopped listening since. His whole album is a blessing, all of his music is so meaningful and touching; you’ve heard his songs and lyrics, yeah?

2) Why did you become a Louie?

Multiple reasons, the two main ones being his music and his personality. I’m not greatly interested in the type of music that’s mostly being released at present (no offense meant), and Louis’ voice is just incredibly unique, something I really like in artists. Everything that he’s written has been sincere and expressive, like a touch of rawness in them, especially when he sings. There’s just so much emotion behind every word and note, and his voice!! It has the sweetest rasp to it and his voice has gotten stronger and more powerful over the years, yet it can still be soft and light like during the bridge in Defenceless. He is also such a sweetheart, treating everyone kindly and with understanding unless he thinks they’re undeserving of it. The way he socialize with children and animals makes my heart melt, he looks so happy and excited during those interactions with his crinkling eyes and his smile-goodness, he is truly God’s gift.

3) One thing that drew you in specifically?

Easily his charisma and satire. His humor and jokes always stood out to me during interviews, his quips are just hilarious, that sweet boy. He draws attention to himself and leaves an imprint on you, and you get attached to him and his personality and his cheekbones-essentially his entire being. I was also kind of irritated with the amount of lines he and Niall were given compared to the other boys, so I paid more mind to the two of them (along with Harry) at the beginning. I think it’s also because I tend to notice those who aren’t as noticed or not quite under the spotlight-is that they proper description? Anyway, between Louis and Niall I wound up taking more of a liking to Louis with his sass and his cheek and his eyelashes. Man, is he even real? He’s so sweet and genuine, he’s endured so much and has continued to stand strong after each blow; it’s as heartbreaking as it’s inspiring. I just want to wrap him in a blanket and take him far away from all the cruelty present in the world, maybe feed him some tacos and stroke his hair until he falls asleep. He can still joke around and enjoy life while also doing his job and doing it brilliantly, might I add. I feel like he’d be a wonderful best friend to have, empathetic and supportive, someone you’d be able to stir up chaos with but also who’d keep your moral compass pointing in the right direction. Honestly, I’m quite certain that God created him with the thought of sunshine and sunflowers in His head.

4) Favorite song on Walls?

Oo, that’s difficult. I love Always You, its tempo and it’s tune are just really lively and upbeat. I’ve also got a special place in my heart for the lyrics of Fearless (God, that second verse and chorus and first verse - the whole song), Defenceless (“I come running to you like a moth into a flame,”? “I’m too tired to be tough, just wanna be loved by you,”???), Only For the Brave (“It’s a church of burnt romances and I’m too far gone to pray,” “All the lonely shadow dances from the cradle to the grave,” this song is so lyrically poetic and I love every second of it), and Two of Us (the bridge.. God it’s so melancholy yet somewhat hopeful[?]). Kill My Mind also has this great indie rock sound to it, I’d gladly listen to it for hours. I.. am realizing that this absolutely does not answer the question, but I hope you now understand how good Louis’ songs are and how much I love them <333

5) Who would you want Louis to collab with?

Okay, I took a bit of time on this and I think one would be Alessia Cara. I’d really like to hear how they would sound together, considering how unique and distinctive both of their voices are individually, and how the music they produced would mesh with each other. Another would probably be Ed Sheeran, lyrically I think they’d be quite powerful like Louis and Alessia, but I’m not sure how they’d sound as a unit. It’d be interesting to hear though, I’m sure. Last is Harry, and if you’ve heard edits and that duet in the chorus of Truly, Madly, Deeply, you know what I’m talking about and you know how good they sound together.

6) Favorite Hairstyle?

Peaky blinders is one, he looked like a sweet little hedgehog during that time. Cinnamon swirl is also high on the list. He looked like actual royalty (I mean when doesn’t he, but this is god tier princely) and everything was right in the world. He was just- the living embodiment of delicate. His messy quiff and messy fringe back in 2013-2014 were just.. so attractive? Those hairstyles also make me miss seeing his full face :((

7) Back to You, Just Hold On, or Miss You?

(where is the Just Like You option)

I love the lyrics and meaning behind Just Hold On, it’s all really hopeful and motivating. The whole song was really well done, Louis and Steve Aoki did such a good job. Miss You also has a great sound to it, and you can really hear his accent throughout the whole song (fook, luv, anova, need I go on). I also love the bit of violin (I think it’s a violin) they added in the second pre-chorus and final chorus? It adds kind of like a lighter factor to the heavy guitar and drums already present in the song, and some sort of assurance that everything will be okay (I’m bad at describing things I’m sorry akdjsjdj). Back to You, God the notes they hit during that song.. beautiful (“We don’t know how to make it stop,” and “I love it, I hate it and I can’t take it,”). Can I also just say that Louis and Bebe both looked really, really attractive during that music video? Like damn please hold back on the extra chili, it’s already hot in here.

8) Louis in suits or sweaters?

Louis in suits is just.. all his assets (ha) are accentuated and he looks so sharp and beautiful, his shoulders just a bit broader, and his curves more defined. Then when he wears blue suits, his eyes are just that much more blue. Louis in sweaters, on the other hand: sunflowers incarnate, sunshine and kittens, a soft heated blanket with socked feet and a fireplace while snow falls softly outside the window. He looks so, so warm and huggable and sweet with his sweater paws- imagine being his friend and being able to cuddle him? Just snuggle and chat about what he’s got prepared for LT2, maybe watch a horror movie. God truly has His favorites. In conclusion: Louis in sweaters.

9) Favorite tattoo?

I think the compass was really well made, like the shading and the contours make it look almost lifelike. Then it points to HOME, which I think is so sweet and personal, like he already knows what ‘home’ is to him and he’s sure that that’s where he’d want to go back to, every time without a doubt. I also like the “It Is What It Is” tattoo, it’s written elegantly, kind of like a Ballantines font and it’s definitely an eye-catcher, displayed on his chest. The stag one also isn’t bad, its right eye is just a bit more bugged out than the other. It makes it a lil more special though, it’s easily identifiable as Louis’ tattoo because of that and the antlers are sort of majestic.

10) Favorite Louis photo (currently)?

I am going to pretend I read that as ‘photos’ because I am an indecisive little shit :))

(HELLOOOO HE LOOK LIKE THE SWEETEST HEDGEHOG // He is just- in his element, he is living up there)

(He makes the tousled hair look so good what the hell // Does this need elaboration, I mean, his smile literally powers everything on earth, and the crinkles by his eyes, and his sweater, and his lil canines, and-)

(Please God he is. Ethereal. Stunning. Perfect. In both photos, his eyes are just. Bright. And the cinnamon swirl, I- I’ve ascended to a higher plane of existence. He’s just so beautiful. Gorgeous really.)

11) Random extra?

When one is given the opportunity to express their love for Louis Tomlinson’s accent, one must accept.

His accent is like. Familiar, a bit like home (no, I’m not English), and I love that he’s been able to keep it even after years of living abroad. He has one of those accents where you can tell it’s present even when he sings, and when he uses endearments, God, it’s just so charming and sweet. It’s also really strong and distinctive, you can tell who he is by the first syllable or word he says. It’s a part of who he is and I love it so much and I love him so much, Jesus Christ akjskjd

I had fun being able to talk about Louis in this, there’s so much to him and every bit of it is another ray of sunshine <333

I tag @adorelou-28, @makethebestofwhatyouget, @28-oops-hi, and anyone else who wants to do this, no compulsions :))