Never hated my body as much as I do at the moment

Okay this is just my little unauthorized PSA to my girlies who struggle with their bodies but love shopping.

The next time you're in a bit of a downward spiral and don't like the way anything looks on you/it feels dangerous to even try, but still have the desire to shop (seriously sometimes it really feels like the mind is out to get us, no?) shop for furniture or furnishings.

It's going to give you the same thrill, doesn't involve looking in a mirror (unless you're buying a mirror) & is actually going to add to your daily life more than 90% of clothing.

There are actually such strange benefits to this? One it is probably a better use of your money because the pieces will last longer than most of what is in your closet. Two it's something that will give you more gratification if you love being complimented on purchases because people will see whatever it is more than one dress or whatever. Three, and this is most important, sometimes when our permanent home (our bodies) feel inhospitable, making our physical homes more beautiful or cozy or [insert nice adjective of your choosing here] can really help.

Sincerely,

Your friend who is going through it the teensiest bit (I'm fine) but just got an amazing deal on some furniture and a dessert & coffee service.

I am reminded yet again that self care takes work. Self care means doing things that you know will help even if you think it won't, self care means that you have to be selfish even if it burdens a coworker and makes you sometimes feel worse.

Not true for everyone. Self care is diff for each of us. But for a people-pleaser like me who never says no, this is something I always need to be reminded of.

I dropped a lot of my anxiety-reducing activities due to wedding and work. And money. Because all I can seem to do is that and then my creative work (which costs nothing to do! haha). I think I may need to pause on my drawing and writing and find some re-balance....

My ED has been so bad lately, primarily due to the fact that I am trying on the most expensive piece of clothing I will ever own. I am thanking any god, or universe or whatever out there my sister and my mom were able to be with me this weekend, because I would be even more of a mess if they were not. But the sucky think about my ED is that it may go down but it is like a cloud that never leaves. It may even be closer to OCD than ED as it is fear based (I work within the mental health space) as I fear my dress won't fit, I fear eating dinner, i fear not working out. The fear makes my chest so tight its like there are rubber bands in my lungs.

With work i fear failure, so I work more, work longer hours, work through lunch. I know this slippery slope I have been here before.

When I really take a moment and THINK i realize, I gotta give myself something back. I have to figure out what it is.

I know my brain is not right when even thinspo looks fat

Is it bad that I want my bf to worry about me?

I just want to lose a large amount of weigh in a little time to raise suspicions.

Is that too much to ask?

I think my doctor broke my brain a little bit and I'm not entirely sure what to do with that.

Long complicated story short, but my GP basically said, "Hey your health issues are totally explained by high levels of stress" and then immediately turned around and said, "but it could also be weight" and told me to try to lose between 60 and 70 pounds over the next 6 months when I'm not significantly overweight to start with.

Losing that much weight would be unhealthy, and I know that. I haven't weighed the amount she wants me at since late elementary/early middle school. A healthy weight for me is more than 45 pounds over the number she listed.

But now my brain is just a constant running loop of, "You're disgusting, I don't know how anyone can stand to look at you, you must just be repulsive" and "why are you eating that you don't need to eat right now stop it that's too many calories why are you so weak you don't need to eat" and it's... bad.

Like it hasn't been this constant since college, in terms of food stuff. The other day I ate 400 calories and was damn near in tears trying to convince myself it wasn't enough while the other half of my brain tried to tell me it was too much. I just feel guilty and disgusting all of the time and I can't make it stop.

I have to go back there today and I'm already trying not to anxiety vomit because it's only been a week, I'm sure I haven't lost any significant amount of weight even though I've been trying, and I don't want to hear it again.

I don't know what to do, and I'm sad and frustrated and I just feel repulsive. We're having family over for dinner this weekend, and I'm already trying to think of how to hide that I'm not eating as much, if I eat, or what to wear to cover up my body because I don't want anyone to look at me. I've been having random panic attacks and I'm just exhausted.

My next cosplay project will finally heal my self hatred towards my own body or the total opposite. We will see.

EXAM TERM PLAN

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Breakfast/coffee before 9am every day (i have been a slugabed recently and it needs to stop)

Stop working at 11pm! I don't care, get to bed, get up early.

*Minimum* 2 750 word essays per day

Exercise 2-3x/week because otherwise the Menty H will decline at a rapid pace

2 meals per day, no excuses, no "Oh, i didn't do enough work I don't deserve my evening meal," I am slapping you around the head. Eat.

Drink enough goddamn water

Take your vitamins and minerals

Leave your phone at home.

why did i gain 15 pounds last month im letting my self go atp and my birthdays in 2 weekes i have to lose 15 pounds before the 18th any mf tips??

Another body check

- 3kg this month 🎉

there’s a popular food blog that has sparked a lot of conversation recently about whether or not she has an eating disorder and is using her blog (and particularly her more extravagant recipes) as a substitute for actually eating

i spent most of high school obsessively reading food blogs and watching barefoot contessa on the treadmill while eating as little as i could get away with. it’s how i got into cooking. somewhere on my computer i have a draft of what would have been my first post on the blog that i was thinking about making

anyway whenever this comes up i have the urge to say that. when i’m feeling generous towards myself i attribute this to wanting people to know me better, to wanting to share things about myself with my friends (which i’ve historically been very bad at). but i can’t help but wonder if it would also be sort of a brag, if there’s still some part of my brain that feels like successfully starving myself was somehow impressive. and so i stay quiet

me when i haven't eaten n nearly two days n have a migraine but i feel like i don't deserve to eat

You know when you search for meanspo but it no longer works cuz of it has become a regular thing to your brain...

Like it's normal at this point iv read so much that nothing works anymore

gonna go exercise off the urge to puke even though i haven’t eaten for almost two days. im a very logical person. hopefully im not almost run over this time. if they threaten it they better go through with it.