this 6K of hawk and thrush smut had better be worth my sanity

I rly hope sse would add a non-sc vet in the game permanently but sadly I dont think they would ever do it

life would be 10x better if everyone spoke like they had animal crossing catchphrases, chu.

"This family makes me want to murder people"

- me (who has to reign in her inner Klaus Mikaelson) every time I talk to my family

I wonder at times how would my life be if I had done things differently. What would I be like now? What kind of life would I have? If only I could go back in time believe me I would. I would think of myself more. I would put myself first in every situation. It sounds selfish but honestly no one deserves what I had given them. I haven't achieved much living under their roof. The past years of my life have been nothing but misery. They are in denial about what they are doing to me. They have no idea how much damaged they have caused not just physically but also mentally emotionally. I've reached a point where I'm exhausted, drained, I have absolutely nothing in me anymore.

I'm done.

thank god for new beginnings

i don't know where i'd be without them

give me a time machine & watch what happens (september 16th 1977 Gloria Jones doesn't drive & Bolan's mini doesn't hit a tree. there's a second season of Marc in 1978, it's still shit but I watch it anyway. glam rock never dies. this blog doesn't exist because I personally make sure my biological father drowns in a lake before ever meeting my mother, she gets to live a happier life. I stay in the past and have hardcore gay sex every day until eventually overdosing on heroin in a hotel room. nobody knows who I was or where I came from and I become one of those reddit mysteries read by an AI on tiktok with a subway surf video in the background. everything is a little bit better and Marc celebrates his 75th birthday this year.)

"Don't behave so humanely"

to those who store your favourite clothes for that special one day, to those who keep adding wedding ideas to your pinterest board for that special one day, to those who make lists of books you want to read one day, to those who save baking recipe videos for that one day, to those who count days for that one day, to those planning your dream trip for one day, to those who screenshot beautiful quotes to read again one day, to those who capture every memory as photographs to look at them one day, to those who hope for better health one day — i hope that one day comes soon enough.

there's a cherry blossom tree in DC that keeps blooming every year even though it shouldn't and the park service keeps thinking it's dead and then it keeps blooming! well they're removing a lot of trees to rehabilitate the area and they've said it's finally time for stumpy to go and they're going to mulch it and use the mulch to enrich all the other trees so it can help everything else keep going. and they're also going to plant spliced little pieces of it all over so that stumpy can live forever and this is genuinely sending me into a spiral

03.01.2024

last night, when my sister came home from dropping her bumass "boyfriend" off at the airport, she'd decided that rather than talking about why she was upset with me and confronting the issue, she was going to ignore me and slam every single door open and shut; a clear indicator that she is annoyed with me.

i heard she ranted to one of my other sister's about how she felt that my family weren't very welcoming to her boyfriend and that is feels like we were disrespecting her.

now, i'm aware i was not very welcoming to her "boyfriend"... that was my intention. honestly, i would consider my behaviour to be quite bratty, but here's the thing, i was not going to dishonour myself and my feelings towards that toerag just to please her. almost everything i've done in my 28 years of living has been with done with a great deal of consideration for her and her feelings, because she is a very prickly person [those are her words btw].

one thing i've becoming increasingly aware of is the fact that my people pleasing tendancies are a trauma response. when she was annoyed, upset or angry with me or another person, she became extremely cold and distant. typically, my instinct was always to try and smooth things over, as quickly as possible or let her have her tantrum, calm down and then for lack of a better word, accept me back into the fold. it was very much a "what she says, goes" situation. and if you were not with her, you were against her [i know it sounds very dramatic, but that's bc it was. it is all or nothing with her]. so instead of standing up for yourself, you learn not to do anything that might set her off further. you do and say things you know she'll approve of, so as not to incur her wrath. you stuff down everything you think and feelings, so that the overall peace is maintained. [oh and if it means anything to you, dear reader, i am number 4 of 7 children; the middle child.]

so, with this realisation of my trauma, i am trying to make an effort to honour my thought and feelings and not be such a doormat and unfortunately, that means that we are going to butt heads every now and then. it's difficult for me to do but definitely something that has to be done. i cannot keep being like this, it only ends up hurting me in the long run.

I wish social media platforms had a report option called "minor endangering themselves"

heart full of sandbags: overflowing, burying the mind. a desert

i beg you to love me, say that i'm enough, but you tell me— why are you like this? i think there's something wrong with you.

for @shestrying

thanks to @acelania for finding the unknowns!

in image / desperation sits heavy on my tongue, tumblr user tullipsink / mary oliver, ‘north country’ / virginia woolf, letter to violet dickinson / in image / blythe baird, from if my body could speak / Alice in Bed: A Play' by Susan Sontag (link in comment) / lynee rae perkins, criss cross / elena ferrante, Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay' (trans. Ann Goldstein) / rainer maria rilke, from rilke’s book of hours / in image/ in image

i have neither a good imagination nor aphantasia, but a secret third thing

for the first time in a long time, i feel utterly and completely free