#me: its like i cant control my thoughts like i was trying to think of something earlier today but
Text
i have neither a good imagination nor aphantasia, but a secret third thing
#adhd#doodles#show this to your therapist instead of failing to explain it like i did#me: its like i cant control my thoughts like i was trying to think of something earlier today but#all i could think of was this giraffe eating leaves and no matter how hard i tried to focus the thought would just. replay#my therapist: what happens if you try to let the thought just play out#me: ........ i dont know but i dont want it to be there at all when im trying to do simple addition in a maths exam#10k#100k
159K notes
·
View notes
Text
Samurai and Ninja in crappy pics because December here is under a constant cloud and I just want y'all to see them all golden and cute without learning how to take aesthetic pictures 🥴 💙❤️😆🥰
linktr.ee/Mezzy
#klance#can i tell everyone to look away before i write tags to someone privately lmao no? damn#anyway yes i meant music!! and thank you for sharing something!!#baking seems like a hyperfixation#like i know you said you baked once but then look at me#...i was thinking if i could make salads.... i gotta be medicore at least at one food thing#its a joke its a joke#i will one day get used to focusing on more complicated kitchen work than heating up meat or cooking things in salt and water#anyone else had trouble getting out of bed this december?#once i do i try to pick physical activities that dont require creative thinking because man#at the post office i had small talk with a lady waiting in line she didnt speak polish so u know me it happened#and she recommended light therapy lamp#im very tempted to try it becase i had record bad thoughts sleepless nights and jerking awake this month#it might be rooted in economic instability growing inflation costs of living and shitty working conditions while still trying to buy gifts?#but hey there are things we cant have control over and there are things we can#ive got winter wonderland comic coming though#i will try my best to speed-finish it as a christmas gift aight#i hope its going to be a nice thing!!#wow thats a long set of tags
318 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
32 notes
·
View notes
Text
i thinkg i, scare people sometimes
#if i've ever been like ''ohh it's too late for me'' to you and you were like. trying to keep me from hurting myself. i truly apologize#i am. admittedly. a VERY unstable person and i think i've hurt and sxared ppl a lot when i say these things and stuff#so um. yeah#im workong on it though 👍 trying to control my urges/thoughts ab offing myself bc they TAKE OVER and i cant think straight for that moment#this isnt me trying to excuse how i act ab them btw. and it never will be#its just me explaining how it affects me. and i think i dont think ab how it effects other ppl around me#so tldr im super sorry if i've ever made you panic about my well being when i've said i was going to finally off myself#tw sui ideation#tw suicide mention#tw sui implied
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
It's really weird when you know someone in a context different from how everybody else knows them so you look at them and you still kind of see that person they used to be
#this post is about the boy i dated my senior year who was so incredibly sweet tbh wouldnt be the person i am today if i hadnt met him#but he was so fucked up he had so many issues it was really hard so it didnt work out but i loved him and i think he loved me too#but hes in a moderately successful band now which i just found out about do i looked them up and theyre good#but its so weird because its like i know that when you were 17 you wanted to be an underwater welder#i helped you clean your room at your grandmas house because you were so sad you couldnt do it yourself#i ditched 5th period AP English to sit on the steps behind the auditorium and listen to you talk about whatever#you pushed me on the swings and we took the bus to the movie theater and you liked cherry wraps and you played me my favorite songs#i havent REALLY thought about that guy in years and we were only together MAYBE 6 months but its so weird what you remember about people#and especially how you remember how they made you feel because he made me feel so good like i was in control#all my previous relationships was me trying to desperately please someone who wouldnt do the same for me#and honestly a lot of my relationships since have been the same especially in college and with the one girl who honestly if she called me#today i would drop everything and go be with her again no questions because i cant get her out of my head#but stuff witj him was never ever like that it was so easy it was like breathing even though it ended messy i have 0 regrets#and its nice to know that things are going well for him because honestly he changed my life a little bit#the way i dont give a fuck now is something i learned from him#ill probably delete this later but you know
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
a group member on my senior project is trying to start drama with me but I am nottt having it
#unimportant thoughts#sorry you dont understand how version control software works but my changes work fine!#and have for the past two weeks !#its not my fault yiu cant set it up properly#seriously though l#coming to me with a list of things I ‘broke’ and that you dont like#while trying to pretend youre complimenting me#🙄🙄🙄#nope#sorry but none of those things are actually broke and if you canr set up your project correctly thats on YOU#i stg I dont even think he read all my changes#he was complaining all about how i broke everything based on my changed to one script#i changed THREE scripts#and drastically restructured one of the other ones#‘you removed my random logic :(‘#bestie it’s literally still there in the other script#i just changed where it was placed#and if you READ THE FUCKING CHANGELOG NOTES#YOU’D SEE THAT I NOTED THAT I SPECIFICALLY KEPT YOUR RANDOM LOGIC#i ! hate ! group projects !
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Tw rant
My greatest fear is my own negligence. I'm so scared something will happen- something to someone I love or something important to them. And I will watch it destroyed, frozen by fear or not having the knowledge or reaction time to do anything.
I feel like people I love are going to die. I feel like I have to prepare myself for it even. Sometimes I almost think I *want* them to die just because the fear is too much. Of course I desperately don't want that, that's the whole point. It's a vicious cycle and I just feel so trapped and helpless.
#the only thing i can do is try to be useful#i think to myself 'if i can make things easier on them then they wont die'#the first thought that comes to mind is that they will die specifically from being over worked#so i try to do everything to lighten the load#i clean the house and help with shopping and try .#and try my best#ill even try things like exercising because i think its my fault and i shouldnt be disabled and i can just get stronger#but i keep hurting myself and that just makes the fear worse#it just solidifies that i am helpless#maybe i cant handle the pressure of being a human being#to have things inevitably beyond my control#i can't stand the gray area there. where there are things tgat can be done but no one expects#because i dont care who expects it. i NEED to prevent these fears in any way i can#i dont know what would happen to me if i didn't#im just so so scared all of the time i fucking hate this
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#theres always those little details about your childhood that stick to your mind you later on figure out to be a huge deal actually#theres always those lingering feelings from when you were young that haunt your actions and ways of thinking to this very day#but you never question that#because to you its normal#figuring out that many many things that happened in my head are maybe. just maybe not that normal makes me feel insane#and i hate myself for not having the right words to use#but i dont know how longer i can deal with my own bullshit without feeling like both a complete fucking liar and a total stranger#living a whole life with the constant paranoia of being watched#passing through years of school feeling so disconnected you cant bear a single class without any external and constant outlets#otherwise without those outlets not even having control over your own fucking body and what happened to it while you were out#or whatever other term there might be#randomly bursting into tears because your mind by sheer force made you think about things you werent even a slightest bit fond of#spending such long periods of time trying to tell if what you were living was an actual thing or just purely fabricated#dreading the times at which you just had no agency over your own spiraling thoughts when getting even if slightly upset#just completely not knowing if what you were going through was a real thing or just a dream (past memories being even more messy)#the constant pressure and fog wrapped around your brain#all the stress you had to deal with solely for not being able to tell so clearly as the others your age what was really present or not#the constant divagation that made you cry at night for no reason
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
literalyl insane if my dumb feelings don't go away I'll have to start a normal normal rant tag for him I think –_–
#mine#i feel so bad i havent talked to anyone except my group thats involved in my hyperfixation recently uwagh#i will try to take a break tomorrow. hyperfixation doubled with guy im kind of obsessed with creates literally no time for anything else#im still taking care of myself while being so fixated i cant move for several hours. good on me for that#anyways anyways i tried not to be deranged today. not even fathoming romance atm im just happy i get to be around him teehee#made me rly think about how hes been very chill with everything ive ever said to him even tho i am a little freak . which is uncommon#i am not daydreaming about it because itll break my fucking heart but im content for now i think :) i like hanging out with him#'im normal about him' proceeds to talk abt him on my yandere blog.#im not feeling yanderish i just dont have another place to talk abt this stuff so here it is! bon appetite#im not rly freaking out as much and im good at distancing myself from him. even tho idk if anything will happen im trying to#practice controlling my insane person feelings when around him ;-; im doing good i THINK i havent been as weird#my thoughts around him are all weird and distorted and not quite romantic (yet?) but i know that i just feel comfortable w him#im:) im happy im enjoying. watch him get a partner immediately after this and i go batshit bc that is my freakin luck#well it doesnt matter i had a good time while i could and thats what counts ig . had only a smidgen of hope anyways! but its ok#i am so jaded to romance i am going to accept whatever happens and hope its atleast funny . and he finds humor in it#n i would get to hear his horrid laugh. itd be nice. i like it its very contagious. his voice maxes my brain out in serotonin#he was messing around w me in [hyperfixation] and i really enjoyed the attention hwuwhidhekfn made me flustered#i was saying like Romantic CodedTM things to him and he was just giving indecisive responses but not elaborating . so who knows#im not fretting or anything like its fun its chill i feel relaxed !! very casual stuff am having a good time. he has beautiful eyes also.#hes so talented and knows what hes doing. and hes so freaking smart he knows so much stuff oh my god.#i keep having repeated dreams abt him its weird fjdjfjdk. normal things to say abt ur friend btw. normal#i think his fascination w [redacted] is so beautiful his memory is rly good too. im NORMAL i swear#i like to cause spectacles that are memorable and funny so he pays attention to me more. i like attention from everyone but his is esp. fun#i love my friends so much i tell them that i appreciate them everyday. i hope they know they are loved so much#i probably just love the side of himself he chooses to show n not his authentic true self bc online stuff oh well#tho i do feel if you spend an ungodly amnt of hrs straight with someone then you are bound to know them more intimately#i love doing absolutely nothing with my friends and make our own fun in boredom. reminds me of my childhood#maybe i am allowed to think abt him awkwardly patting me on the head. as a treat#this guy reminds me of a previous love interest too except he doesnt emotionally abuse me or himself and has a freaking soul#💿
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
duuuude. having a brain that doesnt work properly is so fun
#leologisms#feel so. not even feeling. having stupid bad bad bad thoughts cant even vent about the thoughts because YES it does concern someone here. N#i cant say who and NO i cant tell them directly because its a ME problem that I need to fix for myself. literally nobody elses fault by my#own that im unable to control my feelings and how i react to other people doing completely normal things#and i feel AWFUL for saying this too because 'oh wow look at you wowww you must think youre soooo soooooo selfless for dealing with it by#yourself and trying not to bother other people about it' but also like 'wow asshole you really think other people would actually say that#maybe YOURE the problem for conceptualising of OTHER PEOPLE as these awful mean monsters. you must be projecting. YOURE probably#the fucking asshole here and thats why you think other people actually think like that' and like. i have bigger other actually IMPORTANT#things to be worrying about. that actually affect my life. but no im fucking sitting here thinking about how. how. how. ugh. i still cant#fucking say it <- idiot idiot idiotttttt fucking stupid. btw.#anyway. none of my problems are real theyre literally all in my head. i have a dedicated kitchen in my brain for cooking up new problems to#worry about. always
1 note
·
View note
Text
...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
0ainting fob clock to cure a xiety
#my phone / coucb / hands are all covered in paint anf its wonky and uneven w the lining#and i did Not measure or draw anything i am fucming Winging this#but bc im using blsck white painy its easy to fix#am painting bc . i have ckntrol issues and there is a situation at hand where . my anxiety#is fucking RAMPANT and AWFUL#bc i dknt have the upper hand or the control#and i dont Want To#bc if i fuck this up by . trying to control this situation by reacting and handling it Badly then ill kms fr#but its so fucking . i dont feel lile im doing anything bad. like . i feel oddly ok w this and doing This#im just sttessing abt the shit i cant control like ppls opinions and what hes thinking n just .#i have a slideshow of evidence that proves my anxiety is Anxiety but even at this point its fetting exhaysting#i love that this is Rlly just . my exacy experience w friendships from 8yrs ago Inverted into my relatuonships#like same feelings n anxieties and thoughts i used to get#anyway its fine . i#i also have therapy at 11am tmr whicb is so weird bc i never fucking do that but . i have another appt at 1:30 :/#so fuck me up ig
0 notes
Text
need to go home rn actually i cannot be on this trip anymore. like at least when i reach a breaking point at home i have an apartment alone to break down in and regulate myself until im okay enough, there's just no way to do that here at all
#like there is no room other than the bathroom where i can be alone#and i cant be in the bathroom very long bc all eleven of us are sharing two#and every day is just overwhelming things constantly and i just have to be okay and normal for all of it#and i can't even go home and decompress afterward like there is no alone time or privacy or any time for me to like stabilize#and i broke tonight and cried in front of my mom and she started talking about how i shouldnt be like this anymore#and i need a better psychiatrist and she just was so annoyed with me#and im just trying so hard and still failing like this is the best i can fucking do rn#and i know its pathetic and difficult to be around and annoying trust me#like im so aware of how impossible it is to be around me i know and if i could control this i would be better but i cant#i can regulate myself to some degree when i have time alone where i feel safe but i just dont have that option here#and i have to do this for another week and i just dont think i can like theres no way i can and i dont know what to do#cw self harm#ever since i started living alone ive been doing so so much better about not engaging in self harming behaviors#and after just three days of this multiple are coming back bc pain is the only way i can think of that can maybe get me to calm down quickly#and i cant do that like i just cant deal with all this coming back i was doing so fucking well#sorry this is such a long rant and ik its all silly and i need to be grateful i get the chance to go on vacation like this#i just am at such a breaking point like all my mental energy is gone and sleeping hasnt even been recharging it#like i really just need to be alone so i can calm down and reset for a little bit and there just isnt a chance for that#plus i dont have anyone to talk to about this except this stupid fucking blog#i thought maybe my parents knew me well enough to get it but they just dont and that hurts a lot in itself#and i miss having friends i could tell this stuff to that would get it and wouldnt think im pathetic or broken or unlovable for it#i just want to be home so so badly
1 note
·
View note
Text
This is the part in the story where i read ahead to the ending
#its getting a little to close to some of my past trauma and i can handle it if it's a happier ending or at least hopeful#and i really really like where this is going im so intrested in it#but im more scared than i can handle (and handle my other responsibilities lmao)#and i really wanna know the ending now so i can just focus on the details and the fun and the plot#not the scary#theories are so cool and i love playing around in that space#but i think in this instance id rather know everything and not be able to play cuz i think id enjoy it more#i should prolly take a step back but i need to know more i cant not#qsmp has me in a chokehold#also this over emotion stuff might just be cuz im really sleppy atm#idk i have lots of thoughts#and even more emotions#i love how passionate i can be about things and how much i care so quickly about everything#but it also leads to me having too many emotions i can't control at inconvient times#it feels like im trying to brag when i complain about being over empathetic but it does actually inconvenience me a loot#also like if being overempethetic can hurt me and does not necessarily make me a good person and can make me refocus situations#that should be focused on others on me#its logical to conclude that being under-empethetic is similar in can inconvenience but does not make you a bad person#i love my empathy level but it does hurt me at times and i don't think everyone should necessarily be more like me/more empathetic#it makes me more me#but me does not mean inherently good#i can love what makes me me without insiting that its the pinacle of humanity#idk rambling#sleppy time now
1 note
·
View note
Text
I spend a lot of time guessing, guessing and making up everything, hoping that everyone think that I know. But my greatest secret, is that I don’t understand any of it.
#words#me: its like i cant control my thoughts like i was trying to think of something earlier today but#deep thoughts
0 notes
Text
Biggest scary thing about being Better ™ mentally is that I start to naturally hope more and expect more
#miranda talking shit#That shit scares me. My philosophy has always been: expect nothing from no one or anything#But now my silly brain is thinking in a more positive way i am starting to hope and expect more#So im panicking about it and trying to convince myself of the opposite (expect worse instead of better)#Cant tell if its self sabotage or what but.. I am scared. My logic has saved me a lot of pain in the past#So hoping im opening up myself to possible heartbreak... I am guessing its good when things go well but#I always personally... Basically never expected much of anything of anyone. It have given me a lot of happiness bc ive#Been pleasantly suprised by people. But ive also never felt... Safe? In... Expecting people to love me for example and they do?#That safety ive never felt ever. I never expected anyone to think of me well or value me or something#Because that means expecting things and i know i have no control over others thoughts on me#So expecting nothing... Is safe.... Anyway its scary to have this view challanged and im like haha brain no :)#Negative#???
1 note
·
View note
Last Seen Blogs
corporatesecurityzxpx268-blog
Vip Security blog 5462
myhomemanage
環球管家
soleilnomoon
❥❥ moonlight chic ☾☾
lilian-cho
Aletheia
ro-written
Brought to you by "Heck"