Watching Van Helsing for the first time and I have thoughts and feelings

Disclamers first: My previous experience with the movie was clip of the masquarade on youtube and some Leather-Jackman encounters on my dash every once in a while. I only know Dracula and Van Helsing by name and at this point I can’t be bothered to memorize the rest. My taste in men is questionable and unapologetic, if fancy vampire Count kissed my neck and said he wants me to be his spouse, I would simply fold. Not entirely into the idea of laying clutches of cocoabean-like-gremlin-eggs for him, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it I guess. With that out of the way, let’s begin. Quick notes during the watch: 1 they gave Jackman machinegun-crossbow and he still can't hit shit with it 2 if Dracula got pegged every once in a while he might be a little less edgy and murdery which would make the world a better place overall 3 Catherine Zeta Jones got even more faisty, corsetty and not-catherine-zeta-jones-y, I guess the budget only had place for one big name 4-derpy little monk with his derpy little sunshine invention and derpy little forshadowing 5-Zeta Jones is surprisingly tan for a Transylvania native. 6-why does everyone seem to want to fuck everyone? To be fair... I too want to fuck most of them. Point taken. 7-if thes had stopped dropping their weapons for one second the plot would have been over in first 30 mins...you mean to tell me that trained killers can't keep a hold on their gun? 8-ofc the bro is the new werewolf but also does his transformation NEED to be such artistic spin-aroundy balerina style? (Also naming the werewolf brother Velkan is about as clever as naming him Remus, Lupin, Remus Lupin, Barker, Wolfer Mc Wolfenstein etc...) 9-nobody in this movie takes fall damage and Dracula has literal gravityhacks. It should be threatening but it is hilarious 10-young Jackman during night rainstorm looks like Orlando Bloom in Pirates of carribean (I refuse to elaborate, just trust me) 11-Vampire kids look like cocoa beans before they hatch. After getting tazed they turn into bat gremlins. Then they feed (?) and turn into hot-wife-in-grayscale material (?) Having larval and mid stage would imply that vampires are some sort of insect which makes them considerably more yucky 12-Gabriel? Is he also a vampire? Serving the church? Is he anti-vampire? 13- *little evil man voice* we have SUCH history Gabriel (we broke up during the crusades and I have gotten three wives to compensate) 14- funky little monk, sorry, a friar, and funky little loopholes 15- not to ruin your happy moment but the roof is still very much on fire and there is still mr Wolfenstein trying to kill you 16- can't turn into a werewolf it you already are one my dear Helsing, yknow. friar found the knight fighting gif... 17- Did she just MOAN? (lowkey same sis) 18- the whole masquarade thing is slightly disturbing but mostly hot 19- he just proposed to her 20- monsterhunter with few levels in rogue, undersood 21- sorry to break it to you love but you will not kill all of them vampires with one flail and rage 22- so he IS werewolferized? Shouldn't that be fixed by rubbing some wolfsbane on him? 23- the group shares one braincell, which is mostly with the friar, sometimes borrowed by van Helsing to keep them alive in the more pragmatic sense 24- so NOBODY touched any of them ‘inconspicous’ wall decorations or translated the latin text on the SUSPICIOUSLY large wall map even though they have been searching for clues for hundereds of years in the house...sure 25- password protected mirror teleport 27- say friend to enter...wait, wrong movie 28- the banter, the writing, god I love this (why should I not kill you? Uhmmm...) also (Cut off his finger...I'll cut off SOMETHING) 29- convenient amount of storms in the area 30- assuming they need a living matter to conduct the electricity couldn't they just strap a jellyfish in the box and be done with it? Does the matter need to be inteligent? If so, how much? Would like Eel level sufice? Was this tested or did he just go like NAAAH NOT DRAMATIC ENOUGH 31- conveniently placed ball of steel-melting acid in a glass jug 32- fidget-spinning-vampires 33- what method of conduction do they use ffor reanimation process? Nobody wants partly fried offsprings or an undercooked batch 34- nobody in this movie takes fall damage...except for poor Igor 35- after a brief pause, Dracula accepted Gabriel as a furry and tried to get back together with him 36- slowest clock ever, since the first strike, they managed to throw eachother around, Zeta Jones befriended the Frankenmonster, defied gravity, killed vampirewife, almost killed the friar, boys had some more toss-around and we’re still not done... 37- we could have been friends, partners, brothers in arms (no homo) 38- convenient cloud for conversation purposes 39- she dead? She dead dead? 40- *sad werewolf noises*(but seriously...after ALL THAT FALLING the thing that kills her is lying down a bit faster on a cussioned sofa??? Seriously?) 41-yep, she dead...lol

Afterthoughts: 1-so what exactly is Van Helsing? Apparently immortal yet neither vam nor were? 2-can't bring myself to care enough about the monster to dive deeper into his very much unresolved ending or story in general but big F for him 3-Zeta Jones got into heaven because Dracula died like three minutes sooner than she did, imagine if the timing was other way around. Gotta love contracts. 4- so is this like post-high fantasy?  Lost technology (teleports and cures for werewolfism) and ancient order with access to higher technological level than common folk (Helsing's spinning pizza cutters, machine-bow, the holy sun-granade)? It could also read as steampunk but there is not nerly enough cogs, brown and brass and too much horny, edgy and dark for that I think. 5- Faramir? In this economy? More likely than you think. 6- I couldn’t get the spelling of friar right, so I settled for calling him a fryer during the watch. It didn’t seem right but it looked wrong enough to be something christian. Spellchecked after and I’m glad I did. 7- The soundtrack slaps and the writing is solid, 10/10 would recommend

halley’s comet and other extenuating circumstances ch. 3

“It’s snowing?” 

Lexa nods. 

As if she needs to know for sure, Clarke pushes herself up on an elbow, unwashed hair slipping from behind her ear as she pulls back a wispy curtain to expose a backyard full of snow. 

read on ao3

She gets the text at six a.m. 

Her phone buzzes by her head and she reaches back, frowning unhappily as she uncurls herself from the warmth of flannel sheets and her long-sleeved pyjama top to answer it, cold worming its way under the dips and creases of the fabric. 

It takes a moment to find, and another to figure out why it’s tucked upside down into the storage trolley Clarke keeps on the wrong side of her bed for her acrylics, clock and a little vase of fake, dollar store flowers instead of her own nightstand but when she remembers why she smiles. 

Winter is awesome. 

It’s even better than Fall if Lexa had to rank the seasons — and not just because football season is over. While September gave her her girlfriend and Clarke on the sidelines in her uniform, Winter so far has had Jake working long hours and Abby pulling second third at the hospital and a mutual agreement between both of their parents that being home alone together is better than Clarke being home alone by herself. 

It’s meant cash pinned to the fridge, along with a note in Jake’s handwriting to order something other than sticky rice and egg rolls from Haun Garden for dinner and sitting in Lexa’s bedroom beneath glow in the dark stars, all faded and plastic and peeling from the ceiling, swapping answers for AP calculus over cold Pop-Tarts and Coca Cola cans. 

(Even better, it’s meant Clarke in Lexa’s Pikachu pyjama pants and pictures for prosperity — one half of a cheap, silver heart necklace from a kiosk at the mall draped around her neck over her t-shirt). 

And yeah, maybe Lexa’s Spanish conjugations have veered toward sloppy ever since Clarke started whispering quiet querida’s and mi corazón’s to Lexa under her breath during class — she thinks she might have single-handedly kick-started Señor Moreno’s nervous breakdown the first time she answered a question with sorry, I don’t know — but the kisses traded later, in the alcove outside the arts classroom in B block more than make up for it. 

“Clarke,” she whispers, digging her way through the intricate layers of comforters and quilts on the bed until she finds the lump. 

It’s a blond lump, tucked cozily into a grey-green Polis High School Cheerleading sweatshirt, pyjama pants and the Christmas socks Lexa slipped into her stocking the day before Christmas Eve, and it squirms unhappily when it’s poked, glaring at Lexa past the edge of her pillowcase with slitted, sleepy eyes. 

“What?” 

Lexa hands over her phone in reply and Clarke takes it with cold fingers, blinking at the screen as she reads the text from Lexa’s Mom. 

Roads are closed. Daddy called the school board and you don’t have school today. Be home for dinner, please. Love you.

“It’s snowing?” 

Lexa nods. 

As if she needs to know for sure, Clarke pushes herself up on an elbow, unwashed hair slipping from behind her ear as she pulls back a wispy curtain to expose a backyard full of snow. It’s harsh and white in the light from the porch. A thick layer of it sits on the patio furniture and the grass is buried from fence to fence, boxed in on either side by big, sloping mountains, the ice yellow and green and starburst red in the reflection of the Christmas lights still hung up on the trellis. 

It’s January now, Christmas is over, but the Griffin’s have a habit of leaving their decorations up well past Epiphany much to the annoyance of Mrs Gardiner across the cul-de-sac who has her lights up and down on a practically military timetable. Jake has been promising to do it for the past two weeks, ever since he went back to work after the holidays but he says it with enough of a twinkle in his eye that Lexa knows they’ll still be up come Valentine’s Day and beyond. 

(Lexa is OK with that; when she thinks about sitting cross-legged with Clarke on the porch on February Fourteenth, watching the lights catch in the spun-silk of her hair, she wonders if spite is enough for Jake to leave them up all year round). 

“Shit!” Lexa hisses when cold air unexpectedly invades the pocket of heat she’d eked out against Clarke’s mattress. She traps her arms against her chest, pulling the cuff of her sleeve down with her thumb as she watches her girlfriend move around the room in a single chin of light from the open curtain. 

A pair of UGG boots are flung out of the bottom of the closet and she frowns. “What are you doing?” 

“Going outside,” Clarke tells her from the foot of her bed where she pulls the sheepskin boots over her socked feet. 

She looks so pretty in the six a.m. light — so loved and worn in wearing Lexa’s pyjamas and her cheerleading sweatshirt — that Lexa can’t even summon the strength to tell her no when her own sneakers are fished from the depths of the overnight bag she stowed under Clarke’s desk the afternoon before. 

Instead, she takes them dumbly, looping the laces around cold fingers and wondering if there’s anything in the world she wouldn’t do for Clarke Griffin. 

//

It appears not, she thinks as she follows Clarke downstairs half an hour later, clinging to her sweater sleeve in the pitch dark of the stairwell. 

During the day the alcove is lit up — the walls practically a shrine to a gap-toothed Clarke in her powder blue little league jersey grinning proudly from the front of every frame — but now, Lexa struggles to see as she follows her girlfriend through the dark. 

Clarke disables the alarm with Lexa’s fingers firmly ensconced in hers, unlatching the patio door, grinning madly as she pulls Lexa with her out into the biting cold, so perfect and complete, it steals the breath straight from Lexa’s lungs. 

Cold air worms its way under her t-shirt, raising goosebumps up her arms and she pokes her thumbs into her cuffs to combat it, her shoulders hunched against the chill. She watches Clarke next to her as she shuffles her soggy UGG boots to the edge of the deck and reaches an upturned palm out as far as it will go, watching the flakes settle into the crevices of her skin. 

“It hasn’t snowed like this since February,” Lexa says, crossing her arms over her chest to preserve the warmth. The snowflakes in front of them are coming down in thick, wide clusters, unlike the sleet that came before Christmas and turned the football field to slush. They cling like velcro to Clarke’s hair and clothes. 

“Since Atom fell in the parking lot and ate ice trying to invite Octavia to the Sadie Hawkins dance,” Clarke remembers, laughing. 

Lexa frowns. “Aren’t the girls supposed to ask the guys to those?” She remembers that particular dance in vivid, excruciating detail. How Clarke asked Finn Collins to go with her and how she — forced to go by Anya, the only Junior on the decorating committee — stood in the corner by the restroom all night, watching the little throng of Freshmen slow dance a few feet away, pulling uncomfortably at the stretchy hem of her Forever 21 dress. 

It had pretty much been the worst night ever. The crepe paper constellations tacked to the ceiling hadn’t even been astrologically correct. 

“They’re supposed to,” Clarke shrugs, blinking up at the sky. Wet snowflakes string themselves like beads through her hair and Lexa itches to reach out and touch them. “No one does though. They just wait for the guys to buy their tickets and like about how they asked them.” 

That seems stupid to Lexa — like a whole lot of mental gymnastics just to make sure people think you don’t care. Then again who is she to judge? 

“I’d ask you,” she whispers, digging her chin into her shoulder as she looks over at Clarke. 

“I’d ask you too,” Clarke grins. 

(It sounds a little like something else). 

//

When she wakes up again three hours later, it’s light. 

There’s a space heater pointing at them from the open doorway — she can see the extension cord snaking away down the corridor — and Clarke is flush-cheeked next to her when she looks over, propped up on her elbows as she scrolls through her phone. 

“Hi,” she looks down at her, smiling in the same way as she has done every morning since they started sleeping in each other’s beds. 

Her hair is still a little damp around the crown — a shade darker than the rest of her head like damp, wet sand — and Lexa reaches up to tuck a kinky, blond lock away from her eyes, feeling Clarke preen under her touch. “What’s the time?” 

“Nine,” Clarke replies. “You’re phone’s been buzzing.”  

“It’s just Anya,” Lexa guesses, reaching over to unplug her phone from her charger. Sure enough, it is, Half a dozen Snapchat’s she forgot to reply to tonight — mostly because they were all teasing her about how whipped she is for spending her lunch hour yesterday huddled on the bleachers watching her girlfriend run make-up lacrosse drills — plus a new phone sits on her lock screen. She thumbs the notifications away and presses her camera against the comforter to send a reply. “She’s picking me up at four.” 

“Awesome,” Clarke throws her phone down on the mattress. She tosses her hair out of her face as she slides a bare leg over Lexa’s hip and Lexa has to remind herself to breathe. 

She thinks remembers Clarke tossing her pyjama pants away in the hours after they went back to bed. It hadn’t seemed like such a big deal then, but now she can feel Clarke’s knee pressed against the bare skin of her waist, everything inside of her feels like it’s on fire. 

Honestly, she’d been pretty upset to note that the whole constantly horny side effect of being a sixteen-year-old girl hadn’t gone away when she got a girlfriend to relieve the tension with. If anything, it’s only gotten worse. Like, a lot worse. She wonders if her and Anya’s newfound closeness extends to talking about…this.  

“What do you want to do?” 

//

What Clarke wants are pancakes. 

Lexa sits on the granite countertop with a plastic bottle of her batter in her hands while she bangs pots and pans around in the butler’s pantry and wonders if this is what all the songs mean when they talk about love.  

It’s puke worthy to even think about, let alone say out loud; so unbearably cliche for someone so reliant on logic and reason but it feels good not to be striving for something anymore. It’s all still there in the background — track meets, debate, a million AP classes she isn’t even sure she enjoys — but they don’t feel as imperative as they did before. She doesn’t feel like she will fade into oblivion if, one day, she doesn’t want to be valedictorian anymore. 

Besides, Clarke makes it feel like it’s OK to think in cliches. Mostly, it’s just the ‘l’ word that’s been knocking around her head recently that has her nervous; she’s no expert, but she’s pretty sure they’re too young and it’s too soon to be feeling something so big and important.

She plants the bottle of pancake batter on the counter when she realises she’s about to peel the label off, picking sticky residue off of her restless fingers. 

“Did you know the average snowflake falls at a rate of three point one miles per hour?” 

It isn’t snowing anymore. The sky is bright blue and cloudless but every now and again, flat, white chunks will fall from the slope of the Griffin’s roof, leaving powdery piles on the ground beneath the kitchen window. 

“Only you would turn a snow day into a physics lecture,” Clarke complains, grinning at her as she emerges from the pantry with the skillet. She plants it on the cooktop and turns on the gas, pouring a dollop of batter into the pan. 

“Why should you miss out on learning just because of some anomalous weather?” Lexa teases innocently. 

“Oh,” Clarke trills, “someone’s been doing their SAT prep.” She leans across the counter until Lexa can feel her breath against her ear and whispers in a half-cocked porn-star moan: “I love it when you use big words.” 

“Ostentatious,” Lexa murmurs back, taking the bait. “Evanescent. Spurious. Anachronistic.” 

Clarke giggles sweetly, her cheeks pink and her bottom lip trapped between her teeth. “Keep going,” she requests and Lexa tries desperately to remember the words written on the neon green queue cards tacked to the wall above her bed. 

(In other news, she’s pretty sure she’s found a new revision tactic and files that away for later). 

“Empirical. Ignominious. Unilateral…Clarke!”  

“I didn’t see that one on the list but I’ll go with it.” 

“No!” Lexa squeals, pointing at the stovetop in alarm. “Clarke!” 

“Shit!” Clarke blanches at the smoking pan, lunging for the handle. 

“Don’t touch it!” 

“Fuck!” 

Taking the kitchen towel from the rail on the oven, Lexa winds it carefully around the handle of the smouldering pan, carrying it carefully to the island where she dumps it in the sink. It sizzles angrily against the water leftover in the breakfast dishes beneath it, billowing smoke in thick, blake waves and Clarke stares at her charred pancake despondently. 

“So…Gus’s?”  

//

They go to the diner, wrapping up in UGG boots and hoodies, tucking their wallets into their pockets and their ears under their beanies as they trudge through the snow. The smell of smoke is still trapped between in Clarke’s hair and every time she bumps up against Lexa as they walk — cinched far too close together on the otherwise empty sidewalk — she bursts into fits full of giggles, shoulders bouncing under her hoodie. 

It had taken three minutes for Abby to call once the smoke alarm went off — screaming loud enough for Lexa to flea to the porch while Clarke stood on the kitchen stool to fan the smoke away from the sensor — and fifteen more for Clarke to convince her the house was still standing. 

(“Mom, would I be talking to you from the landline if it wasn’t?”)

She made Clarke promise to stick to takeout and grilled cheese made in the sandwich press and maybe sign up for Home Ecc next semester but eventually, she hung up, telling Clarke she’d see her tonight and Clarke had scraped the remnants of the pancake into the trash before turning to Lexa with a look like a scolded child. 

“I didn’t think I’d be seeing you today,” Gus grunts when they enter the diner, looking up from where he stands behind the counter with a mug of thick, black coffee. 

For all the time she’s spent with him, Lexa can’t tell if it means he’s happy to see them or not. What she thinks is exasperation one day could just as easily turn out to be fondness. 

He refuses to let Lexa take on a shift when she offers now that she doesn’t have school, sitting them in their booth by the window with two sticky menus and two mugs of coffee instead and mumbling something about teenagers being half-naked in the snow when Clarke stretches enough that her bare stomach shows under the hem of her cropped hoodie. 

Clarke waits until he retreats to the kitchen with two orders of pancakes scribbled down needlessly on his notepad before she leans over the table conspiratorially, smoke still lingering on the collar of her hoodie. 

“I think he’s starting to like me.” 

//

Gus cuts them off after their third cup of coffee. 

Lexa pushes her mug towards him when he does the rounds with the coffee pot, offering it to the three other customers who have braved the roads that the ploughs are still in the process of clearing but he shakes his head when he stops in front of them, clearing their breakfast plates instead. Lexa’s jaw drops, indignant. 

“You’re sixteen. What do you need caffeine for?” 

“I take four AP classes,” Lexa fires bag, offering her mug again. 

Gus slides it back towards her. “Go outside, Lexa.” 

Rolling her eyes, Lexa puts two twenties on the table that she knows Gus is going to put towards her paycheque next month and the two of them slide out of the booth. 

Clarke doesn’t want to go home yet. They left the windows downstairs open on their safety catches as Abby told them to but the kitchen still smells like smoke so she pulls Lexa towards the park instead, using her sleeve to wipe the powdered snow from the swing and lowering herself to the rubber seat. Lexa takes the tone next to her, digging the toes of her soggy boots into the ground to stop herself from moving. 

Despite the temperature and her breath fanning out in front of her like locomotive steam, Lexa doesn’t feel cold. There’s syrup instead of gloss on her lips and she’s starting to lose feeling in her toes — she wiggles them in the tips of her boots to no avail — but when Clarke leans over, cinching their swings together by the cold, metal chains, Lexa doesn’t think she’s ever felt warmer in her life.

She presses her forehead against Clarkes, the rim of her beanie trapped between them, and feels Clarke’s breath bloom hotly against her collarbone. It feels intimate; far too intimate for the swings in the middle of the morning. It seems like something that should happen as they lie in Clarke’s bed at night, Clarke’s five-fingered grip pressed firmly against the flat expanse of her stomach and backs turned against the open bedroom door — Abby’s rule, not theirs. She shivers. 

“Are you cold?” 

When she doesn’t reply, Clarke’s snakes an arm around her torso, frigid fingers slipping between her hoodie and the waistband of her sweatpants and Lexa shrieks, bucking wildly against the cold. Her swing lurches sideways, the chain slipping out of Clarke’s palm, and Lexa careens backward, landing with her top rucked up in a pile of wet snow. 

For a moment, all she can feel is cold. The cold, harsh kind that slings itself through her veins as the snow soaks the ribbed hem of her hoodie and up into the fabric back of her bra. Then, Clarke’s face is blinking at her owlishly from above, two amused and one part guilty — it only takes her a second to laugh. 

“Now I am.” 

Apologetic, Clarke’s fingers slip in a circle around her wrist, muscles straining against Lexa’s weight but Lexa leans back with two hands and pulls Clarke down to the snow with her instead. She lets out a scream, kneeing Lexa inelegantly in the crotch when she hits the ground but Lexa thinks she probably deserved it. 

“So am I,” Clarke looks at her, chest pressed close enough that Lexa can feel the little vibrations from her giggles through the thick fabric of their hoodies. 

Clarke rolls off of her when the mother of a two-year-old in a pom-pom hat on the other side of the playground gives them a tight-lipped look — at the ruckus or at the sight of them cinched on top of each other, Lexa doesn’t know. Curling on her side against the gritty, snowy ground, Clarke shoots her long, farcical faces while Lexa tries to stifle the laughter that rises within her, rolling like waves of champagne bubbles. 

It shouldn’t even be funny — it isn’t funny — but every second she spends with Clarke feels like a reason to laugh and it makes her happy in the most perfect way. 

When she gets herself under control a minute later, fits of giggles tapering off into snatched, little hitches of breath, Clarke is watching her, lips trapped between her teeth, and Lexa knows she feels the same. 

//

“If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?” 

They’re clean and dry now, curled together like two halves of a closed shell against the rumpled sheets of Clarke’s bed. 

She had dragged Lexa upstairs once they got home — shivering and cold in their wet, snowy clothes — and while everything inside of her had rebelled when Clarke reached for her pyjama pants and fleece to climb back under the covers, the temperature was low enough — that deep, stinging cold that slings itself through hardwood and window panes — that, even if they hadn’t left the windows open for most of the morning, the central heating and space heater combo probably couldn’t have done much to combat it. 

Instead, it was the way that Clarke had pulled her down to the mattress with a wicked smile when Lexa was only halfway through putting her pants on that had given flushed cheeks and that sweet, syrupy warmth back to her body. Her heart is still recovering. 

“Here.” 

(She means it too — whole-heartedly and with every fibre of her being. She’d give up a ticket to the moon if it meant she could relive this moment ad infinitum). 

Clarke gives her a funny, little look. 

“You’re a sap, you know that?” 

I've had this thought in my head for awhile, but does God know mc is the descent of Lilith?? Lilith was supposed to be killed but was secretly reincarnated by Diavolo. What if he finds out and kills mc because as far as he's concerned, they shouldn't exist? Can I request some hcs of how the demon brothers and undateables would react to this happening? If not, I understand! >.< Thank you!! ❤️❤️

&

When God kills MC for being Lilith’s descendant

WARNINGS: Blood, death, depression, anger, war, Simeon dies in one of them

- If anyone mentioned MC he’d be gripping them by the throat begging them with tears in his eyes to never speak their name in front of him again

- He doesn’t want them to say it because of his pride. He knows he’ll cry hearing their name and he’d get flashbacks to Michael standing over MC’s bleeding body as they cried Lucifer’s name, hopeful that he’d be able to save them.

- He wasn’t able to save them despite being right there, he was being held back by some angels and was fighting them at that moment, but even after he killed those angels and Michael, he got to their side too late, their eyes empty and skin still warm, but getting colder as the seconds pass.

- He’d scream and cry so loud the entire Devildom would hear, and he wouldn’t care, no matter how much pride he held, he was torn to pieces and felt lost the second their soul left their frail human body

- He and Diavolo immediately agree that God needs to feel the same pain he’d put all the brothers through twice

- They go to the celestial realm and attack a bunch of Archangels

- His anger from losing both his sister and his lover will be terrifying and is enough to bring God to his knees

- “I won’t let you touch anybody else. I won’t let you tear my family apart more than you have!” 

- If he does not kill God, he definitely leaves him shaking in his boots,

- He will use all his strength to kill as many Archangels as possible, so his father would feel the same loss he’d felt.

- He’d leave God wounded but make him have to helplessly watch his children and friends die horrid deaths before his very eyes, just like Lucifer had to do with Lilith and MC, still alive, but left empty and helpless.

- His mourning process after the rage would basically be over working himself, bringing his mind to anything but the dear human he’d lost

- Watching his former brothers impale MC’s chest with a sword was not something he was ready to see.

- He hated every second of holding them in their last moments, he thought he wouldn’t have to watch them die in agony like he did when they let Belphie out of the attic

- It happened when he looked away, an angel suddenly appeared in front of MC and immediately had the blade in them

- He blames Lucifer for a while.

- Because of him, everyone found out the truth about Lilith and it got back to God and if Lucifer had just allowed Belphie to stay out of the attic to live with the exchange student like the rest of them they would never have died either of their deaths

- Blames himself a lot as well, he is supposed to be fast. That’s his thing, is being fast. But he wasn’t fast enough to save them from their killer.

- Distracts himself with drinking and gambling his life away

- One night he gets unbearably mad and intoxicated, which leads to him sneaking into the Demon Lord’s castle and using a gate to the celestial realm.

- When he’s there he books it to the throne of his father, begging him to at least tell him if MC was in heaven or hell before he sent him back down there.

- Hearing that they went to neither and God had simply wiped them and their soul from existence was what finally got to him

-He lunged at him but was stopped by Diavolo who had followed him there and apologized to God for letting him through.

- “YOU’VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU DON’T DESERVE TO RULE THIS UNIVERSE, ONE DAY I KNOW LUCIFER WILL RETURN TO BEHEAD YOU IN FRONT OF THE REST OF YOUR PRECIOUS ANGELS”

- His ranting kind of caught everyone off guard but they wouldn’t be able to stare in shock for long as Diavolo dragged him through the gate, bringing him to the dungeon where he would stay until Lucifer could hopefully talk some sense into him

- Why? Why did he have to tell MC to go shopping themselves, why didn’t he just go with them.

- When they used his pact mark a second too late, he arrived to their bloody beaten body, nearly lifeless eyes turning hopeful for their last moment of life as they saw Leviathan

- He turns just in time to see an angel booking it towards a portal, but he is too concerned with saving MC to actually chase their killer.

- He turned back to them and lifted their unconscious body off the Devildom soil, sprinting as fast as possible screaming for help

- When he arrived at the Demon Lord’s castle begging Diavolo to save them he was too late, somewhere along the way their heart had stopped and they died looking up at their yucky otaku boyfriend trying so hard to save them from a hopeless battle with a small smile.

- He locks himself in his room, not even coming out to eat meals.

- When Lucifer finally had enough of Levi starving himself, he opened the door with the master key and found his pale younger brother, in his bed sleeping, but under the blankets he guess Levi had lost too much weight.

- He also took notice of his lack of anime figurines and video games, looking to see them in the trash.

- Levi is quick to get mad at Lucifer but when Lucifer just holds him and pats his younger brother’s hair, he breaks down full on sobbing and snot getting all over Lucifer’s coat, which he cringed at a little but dealt with it for the boy’s sake.

- He wouldn’t go to God like the previous two, he’d just murder anyone who mentioned him or his angels 

- He ends up giving away his fish too, convinced that he wasn’t allowed to have loved ones because no matter how hard he tried to save them he never could. First his baby sister and now the love of his life.

- Oh poor Satan, he had worked so so hard to get his temper under control, but watching an angel slit MC’s throat in front of his very eyes erased all the control he had within him and he immediately gutted the angel, within the blink of an eye they were just as dead as MC

- He called Lucifer begging for help, even though they both knew he was much too late and MC had bled out and died quickly. 

- He held them until Lucifer and some of the other brothers had to pry his arms off of them.

- After seeing them taken away to be put in a casket and buried in the human world with their family, he filled with rage and grief all at once, from the top of his head all the way to his toes he was radiating wrath and he went on a rampage, killing demons left and right

- He wasn’t able to think clearly until a voice in the back of his head reminded him of the human and how they always helped everyone no matter their species.

- He stopped killing then, not wanting MC’s spirit to be upset with him more than they already should be.

- He, like Lucifer, distracts himself so that he can’t think of MC as much and be hurt by the images that lived in his head forever

- Whenever a book described a character similar to MC he’d tear every page, ripping it to shreds

- He’d lost almost half of his book collection in only a month because he managed to see MC in everything.

- Blames himself and tries to get to the Celestial Realm but is stopped by Diavolo and Lucifer

- After he had been in his room for about a week or so with no sign of even moving from his bed, Lucifer let himself in which pissed of the avatar of wrath

- Lucifer said nothing but looked in his eyes before simply saying the blonds name, before hugging him

- For the first time since he was a young boy, Satan let Lucifer hold him as he wailed and sobbed, venting and letting his eldest brother guide him through it all

- Why did he let MC storm off when he was letting that succubus flirt with him?

- If he had just told to succubus to go away cuz he was with MC they’d still be alive, they wouldn’t have died in such a painful way.

- When he heard a scream he turned around and froze as he saw MC, sword entering their chest and exiting between their shoulder blades

- He panicked and rushed to them, looking the angel responsible in the eyes so he could have him wait for when Asmodeus felt ready to kill him

- When MC gave him a soft smile and touched his cheek with their bloody hand, he held it against his face and cried screaming for help and texting and calling Lucifer like crazy

- When he felt their hand go limp he stopped everything

- He looked down and saw their once lively eyes looking at the sky above them, with no soul behind them, just an empty shell of the only person to ever fall in love with him for reasons other than sex, money, and power.

- He couldn’t look away, he just stared at them in silence, tears rolling down his cheeks as Lucifer and Diavolo arrived, both gasping as they saw Asmodeus covered in MC’s blood.

- Asmodeus dropped his skin care routines, rivaling Belphie’s title as the avatar of sloth as he slept day and night, no longer wanting to be awake with MC

- Why did his father have to take away the one wholesome thing he had? Why was his father so desperate to ruin things for his six surviving sons and Satan

- One day he suddenly jumps back into his old self, smiling and flirting like nothing was wrong, but everyone knew he was still completely broken up inside

- He brings home a new partner every night, each one resembling MC in some way shape or form, because he knows he can’t have them anymore, but he doesn’t want to think about that

- He just wants to embrace his sins and distract himself from any lingering thoughts of MC with strangers

- How could be be so reckless? He knows he shouldn’t leave MC alone in public places but when he saw a hotdog cart he couldn’t help but dash for it with all his speed

- As he was ordering everything the cart had he heard screams behind him

- He looked back and felt his blood run cold as he saw MC’s body on the ground, blood pouring out of their neck and an angel covered in blood flying away

- That angel would get his punishment later, right now he has to tend to MC

- He desperately tries to get them to respond to him, the only response he ever receives is MC’s final gurgled breaths, as they looked at him with terror in their eyes that slowly disappeared as their body shut down, unable to keep going

- and he roared, demon form coming out at he flew off into the sky, chasing the angel that was considerably slower than him

- When he reached them he bit into their shoulder before devouring them completely, making sure they suffered ten times as much as MC had in their final moments

- Without a second thought he flies towards the Demon Lords castle in a rage

- As he knocks down the doors he manages to knock out several guards who were watching the castle diligently as Diavolo and Barbatos had immediately left to go find MC and Beel

- Beel went to the Portals that allowed them to travel between realms, and charged into the Celestial realm, killing multiple angels on his way to God

- He wasn’t going to go down without a fight. Just because he rules over the entire universe doesn’t mean he can take everything away from Beel. He can’t keep losing the most important people in his life, it wasn’t fair

- When he fought his way into God’s throne room, facing him for the first time in several millennia he raged immediately pouncing at his father only to be struck down.

- The fight kept going until Diavolo and Lucifer had arrived to take the giant redhead back to the Devildom, Lucifer nearly killing God himself when he saw how hurt his younger brother was.

- He refuses to eat for a very long time, feeling he deserved to be in pain because he was the reason behind both Lilith and MC’s gruesome deaths

- He only eats when it starts to hurt Belphie a lot as well, but he hates it, he feels unworthy

(Simeon Simps beware)

- He wishes he could unhear it. The sound of MC beside him in bed, screaming as a sword entered their chest, gasping for air but failing to find it.

- Why didn’t he wake up to the intruder? How could he just let an angel deliver MC the same fate they had nearly recieved by himself.

- He didn’t chase after the intruder, instead screaming for his brothers’ help, staying with MC comforting them and trying to urge them to keep breathing.

- “Belphie,” “Mc, save your breath you’ll be okay I promise!” “I’m sleepy, Belphie....I’m.. Gonna nap here with you,” 

- He stared at them like they were crazy, but deep down he knew this was their way of having one last happy moment with him. He nodded and held them, avoiding the area where the wound was and crying as he held onto them, feeling the last of their breaths and the life leave their body

- He turned into his demon form. He sees it now

- He shouldn’t have been hating humans, no, they weren’t to blame at all.

- It was the angels, they were the ones who kept taking away his loved ones. They were the ones who needed to pay.

- When everybody had gathered in the room, mourning MC’s departure, Belphie looked up and saw Simeon crying while trying to push Luke away from the bloody scene

- Belphie lunged at Simeon pushing him down before reaching his claws into the Angel’s throat, ripping it out as Luke and the others watched in terror

- Diavolo locked Belphie away for killing the angel and Belphie felt not an ounce of regret.

- Now father will feel the pain of losing someone so special, since he knew Simeon was one of his favorite angels

- Whichever guard allowed an angel to sneak by with a weapon is to be beheaded

- This was supposed to be a nice elegant ball with MC as the prince’s date

- But he turned to face a noble man to talk for a moment when he felt MC grip suddenly tighten harshly on his hand, and when he turned he was mortified to see a knife in their chest and an angel fleeing as quickly as possible

- Diavolo goes on a rampage, chasing the angel before ripping his head off with his bare hands

- He held MC’s body and cried for hours, begging Barbatos to bring them back in time again to save themselves once more from the cruel death they’d been forced to have

- He decided to hell with the Celestial realm, only the humans and Devildom shall be united, God had taken things too far with MC’s death

- He sent troops to the celestial realm and offered the seven demon brothers a second chance at taking down their dad, but with him and his army on their side this time

- When he does eventually rampage his way to god the battle is intense and nearly destroys all three realms, Diavolo was desperate to avenge MC and came very close to killing god with his bare hands

- He had done so much to prevent this. He’d known this future was a possibility so he tried to stop it from becoming the reality he’d lived in

- Where did he mess up? Why was MC’s throat slit right before his eyes?

- His usual poker face or sly smirk was nowhere to be seen as he cried on Diavolo’s shoulder, and Diavolo was happy that Barbatos allowed himself to be vulnerable with him, but saddened to see what had caused it

- Barbatos constantly blames himself, and whenever anyone suggest traveling to an alternate universe where they survived, he’d say no because that wasn’t his MC and he didn’t want to take them away from their version of him

- He never was vulnerable around anyone ever again

- He also nearly scrubbed every inch of the castle into oblivion, trying so hard to distract himself with cleaning, but no amount of chores could keep his mind away from MC

- When Diavolo suggests that they go to war with the Celestial realm, Barbatos is quick to agree.

- “I’m right behind you my lord, I trust you to guide us to victory,”

- When fighting he came face to face with the angel responsible for killing MC and he made his death slow and painful and forced him to watch his friends and family get slaughtered by the Devildom troops 

- No no no

- Surely he had a pact with someone who could fix this

- He is panicking and can’t think of a single demon that could heal a wound as big as MC’s 

- He’s sobbing and holding them, wailing and mourning the loss of the only other human to understand and love him

- He was angry, but he knew he couldn’t take on God

- He was moved into the house of lamentation because his anger towards the Celestial realm put the exchange angels in danger

- Asmo ends up trying to cheer him up, trying desperately to get his best friend and pact holder back

- He ends up researching spells to revive them, to no avail

- But he never gives up and Asmodeus and Satan remind him that MC wouldn’t want him to be acting this irrational and wouldn’t want to be revived for a second time

- He eventual realizes all that and gives up his search and just lets himself be sad

- Why? Why would he do this.

- He cries, desperate to find reason in God’s action, very focused on keeping his status as an angel and not fall

- But back in the Celestial Realm, Michael brings up MC’s assassination and Simeon loses all composure and tries to kill Michael, angry that he ever trusted him so much

- MC was an innocent human with no control over their lineage, they were happy, they had hope and were going to do great things, so why?

- Why did God kill an innocent human? He does not understand

- As the battle between Simeon and Michael comes to an end, Simeon is pushed out of the Celestial realm

- His wings blackening, horns sprouting from underneath his shattering halo, teeth growing sharp and the aura surrounding him becoming demonic

- He fell from grace

- He lives with the brothers for the rest of eternity, all mourning MC occasionally and making up ideas on how they could finally bring justice to MC and Lilith’s names

Red String of Fate (Pt. 2)

See “Red String of Fate” for the drabble lead up + Lucifer, Mammon, and Asmo. This post has Levi, Satan, Belphie, and Beel

To Levi:

Doesn’t understand what it is

Tries to shake it off without breaking his game mojo

Ends up getting it accidentally wrapped around the joysticks, losing the match, and spends the next few minutes silently fuming and trying to untangle everything

His tail slaps angrily against the floor as he grumbles and huffs, trying to be extremely delicate with whatever disaster this is

 Finally succeeds and stares at his finger in silence for a few seconds, trying to pick the knot.

Starts trying to pull it off. It doesn’t work.

Asks his friends what it could be

Asks whatever the Devildom equivalent of Google is

Makes the “OooOOOOooh!” because this sounds like a sure thing?! A definite soulmate?!

THERE IS SOMEONE FOR HIM, A LOWLY, YUCKY OTAKU?!

Levi explodes out of his room like the aquarium has busted and will flood the whole house

His pupils are doing the slit-narrow hyperfocused hunter thing as he tracks the red string like an enemy through a scope

Accidentally mows you down trying to speed walk to the end of the string.

Is super excited about the string now. HOW LONG IS IT? WHERE DOES IT GO? WHO’S AT THE END?!

You hear his tail wagging and slapping things before you see him, and that’s 0.5 seconds before he mows into you.

Accidentally steps on your foot in the process, so you fall in an graceless lump.

Levi’s pulling at the string like an excited kid. WHERE DOES IT GO, WHERE DOES IT GO? WHERE DOES IT GO?

Realizes he’s pulling your hand up and tugs on it a little in disbelief. Ends up making you wave at him and he gives a little giggle.

Then it hits him all over again and you get another “OooOOOOoooH!”

Scoops you up off the floor, tail wagging enough to take the breath out of Asmo.

He holds you to his chest and feels like some victorious Henry. Hopes the lighting is good and that this moment is as magical for you as it is for him. (Does his hair look good?). The pinky-red smoke is basically like a cool anime effect, right?

Levi gives the shyest, softest ‘mine’, as he cradles you to his chest. He purrs a little, tucking his tail up towards your body, basically offering it for you to hold.

His room is your little private palace. He hopes you like it.

To Satan:

Was quite content minding his own business, reading for pleasure after a long day of reading for necessity (i.e: school)

Doesn’t really feel it at first. He turns a page and hears this absolutely maddening drag of a scrape that makes him want to stab someone.

Sees the string. Tries to flick it off. Proceeds to shake his finger. That doesn’t work, so he tries to roll it off or at least roll it to the tip of his finger

Satan slams his book down with a furrow in his brow and transitions to his demon form. Starts trying to fray it with his claws. When chewing on it and trying to break it on his horns don’t work, he stalks up his bookshelves to find the section on Hexes and Curses

Imagine his surprise (and yours) when you and Asmo enter his room. The supposed love or your life is in full demon form and splayed across his bookshelves like a spitting lizard. Or a dragon defending its hoard.

Asmo is BEYOND disappointed. Kind of aggravated. “THE worst way to find a soulmate EVER!” Asmo picks up the closest book and throws it at him for good measure (it misses by a long shot).

He yanks on the string, trying to rip him off the bookshelf.

Satan drops down, already back to his normal form by the time he lands on his feet, and stomps over with mild indignation that someone could call him THE WORST at something

Also: what the hell is going on?!

Asmo explains and Satan goes very, very red. He’s completely at a loss.

Well...at least he knows you’re a sure thing! In a way, it’s good to know you’ll have someone no matter how much of an ass you make of yourself

You take the hand from his mouth, the pinky-red smoke seeming to frame you both, and jokingly ask if he has any good books to take your mind off things.

“Certainly, but perhaps you’d be more interested to hear about that over dinner?” (”That’s better!” Asmo nods and crosses his arms, walking out of the room as if he fixed the problem).

To Beel:

You should be grateful he was already at the House of Lamentation, having a post-homework snack, when the red string appear.

Who knows how hard or how far you’d be dragged if he was at sports practice?!

Beel doesn’t notice it until his next bite, when something catches against his fangs and slips out of his mouth. It tickled his lips and made him do a double-take

He’s in the middle of sucking sauce off his finger when he confirms the string is not flavored or edible.

Is kind of annoyed he has to switch to eating with one hand

Wants to ignore it because he can still reach the fridge and cabinets but gets annoyed when it catches across the table and tries to knock over little things like salt and pepper shakers

Takes a big bite of his current food item (a sandwich), sets it down, and starts fishing through the draws for knives

None of the knives work. He has moved to the cleavers

Chips away at some of the prep table so he stops with the cleavers.

Tries to burn it off. Does not work

Beel isn’t sure what to do, so he grabs his sandwich and goes to Lucifer

On the way to Lucifer, he hears Asmo crow down the hall “AHHH! IT’S TO BEEL! MY DARLING BABY BROTHER! OOH, THE CUTEST! IT’S PERFECT!” way before he sees him or you

This lovely big boi just stands there, a little confused and expecting Asmo to explain it (as he always does. Asmo always has something to talk about)

Asmo’s got you by the arm and is running towards Beel. Beel finally notices the excess of red string, and that you’re tangling in it.

You fall against him and a cloud of sweet pinky-red smoke explodes around him.

Smells like sweets should taste. He wants some Celestial Realm sweets now

“A soulmate, huh?” Beelzebub looks down at you. His cheeks slowly pinken as that genuine but sly smile spreads on his face. There could be worse people, for sure. “Want to go celebrate?” he gives you the biggest puppy dog eyes.

You can’t say no. Beel holds your hand all the way to the restaurant.

To Belphegor:

There is a new texture near him and he doesn’t like it

Belphie doesn’t open his eyes, but he tries to adjust his blankets and pillows until he doesn’t feel it

When this doesn’t work and he sense the thing is still around, Belphie opens his eyes to see he’s tied up in the stuff

Grumpy, sleepy boy

Demon chirps/churrs for Beel to help him

After his big bro helps him untangle, Belphie sulks around, dragging his pillow, to figure out where this thing goes and what the hell it is

Probably tries to fry it with a bit of magic, but it fizzles out the second sparks touch the string.

Belphie may be the sleepy kind of lazy, but he knows his magic spells. That one SHOULD work.

A spark of interest has him a little more awake now. Belphie straightens up and walks a little lighter

“I didn’t expect anything grand since Belphie’s so tired, but this has its own charm.” Asmo critiques, touching a few fingers to his lips to smother a giggle.

Belphie does look quite adorable, standing there with a dash of confusion amongst his exhaustion. Bonus points for his cute little pillow dragging the floor behind him.

All of the bros know better than to mess with his naps and Belphie’s glare is slowly powering up. Asmo has a few seconds to explain before Belphie knocks him into the nearest wall with the pillow. It WILL hurt.

Asmo keeps teasing and hemming and hawing, and it’s not until the pillow is literally over Belphie’s shoulder (gearing up for the down-swing) that Asmo blurts out “SOULMATES! YOU HAVE A SOUL MATE! THEY ARE YOUR SOUL MATE!”

You become the sacrificial lamb, Asmo shoving you towards Belphegor to save his hair (mostly)

The pillow slides over the top of your head and down your back as Belphegor slowly brings his arms around you in a hug. A nervous hug. A shocked hug.

Someone like him gets a soulmate? That almost seems to generous.

That pinky-red smoke explodes in his face. Belphie sneezes cutely. Cuter than he’d like to own up to.

The action causes him to bump his head against you. At first it hurts but his brain quickly overrules the inconvenience to realize how nice your hair is and how he can lean his head on you

His body melts into yours and Belphie barely has the forethought to tuck the pillow under your head as his body weight sends you both crashing to the floor.

Totally ignores Asmo yelling “BELPHIE, NO!” in the background as he tries to catch you or prop you up. Belphie actually slaps him with his tail and continues to the fall to the floor.

The pillow will protect you. He has full confidence

“Sleepy,” he mutters, readjusting his head until it fits nicely in the curve of your neck. He kind of wishes he brought a blanket.

You tentatively pat his head and play with his hair. Belphie purrs, tail sweeping the floor.

I need to know about doctor mama lo taking care of a sick baby Virgil if you would like pretty please. I dont wanna ask on the in character blog cuz I feel like it would be weird to ask for details and lo seems kinda busy anyway lol.

hey tumblebee!! yeah yeah lets do this, Im gonna write it so that ppl who dont follow the other blog can understand too

WARNING IF U HAVENT ALREADY BLOCKED THE TAGS ILLNESS TW AND VOMIT TW THEY ARE VERY PREVALENT IN THIS

also this is a VERY long headcanon!!

so last night vee got ill, he had been regressed in the afternoon with patton and he was acting much more fussy than usual - not being entertained by his cartoons, not having the energy to play with his rattle, pretty much constantly whining and pouting and he gets very wriggly when he's fussy

patton assumed it was because vee had been upset earlier that day. at one point vee started gripping his stomach, and patton assumed its because he was hungry and could smell the food roman was cooking

but when dinner came around no matter how hard patton tried he couldnt get vee to eat a morsel - he kept turning his head away from the food and whining. at one point patton and logan both managed to convince him to eat a spoonful but his face crumpled with a wince and it looked almost painful for him to swallow it. it was at this point logan noticed he had a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead

things fell into place quickly after that - logan checked his temperature and it was indeed slightly higher than was healthy, they noticed vee's hands were trembling and he was constantly on the verge of tears :(

while patton cleared away dinner and excused roman who wanted to go and craft in his room, logan took vee to his bedroom and tried to check for more symptoms, since vee was non verbal and unresponsive totheir questions. he tested his tummy by pushing it a little to see if the pain got worse when he released it (this is a test for appendicitis) but there was no reaction thankfully except vee being upset by logan not cuddling him. he checked his throat for any redness or infection, nothing.

vee's crying became more pronounced and eventually he was in constant tears, occassionally pleading 'mama mama' through sniffles and hiccups and whines of pain :(( Patton brought him a baby bottle of cooled tea made with fresh mint leaves since that is supposed to help stomach pains. though he left the room again since logan thought it was best not to crowd virgil. Vee's crying had dissipated but he was strangely silent and seemed almost loopy now. he only drank a little of the tea before he pushed it away with a gag.

logan immediately took him to the bathroom knowing what was coming, and sure enough vee threw up into the toilet, crying between gags. logan dutifully managed to keep vee in his lap the whole time and held his hair and rubbed his back, telling him he was such a good boy the whole time

Thankfully it didnt last long as there wasnt much in vees stomach to be emptied. he was shivering and sweating and flushed and had lost all energy. he wasnt even crying anymore, just whimpering under his breath. with a bit of a struggle logan managed to show him how to rinse his mouth out with mouthwash - though he had to hold vee over the sink and pat his back to make sure he didnt swallow it

during all of this patton wasnt able to help because of his heightened empathy, if he sees someone throwing up the likeihood is he will too and that wiuldnt be very helpful! so instead he drives to the store to pick up some medicine and ice pops - and comes back with half the store including some actual baby medicine smh - ((im actually begging u to read that linked post i think its so funny))

it was originallly meant to be logans night to put roman to bed but understandably patton took on that task instead. after roman was drifting off patton pokes his head into vee's room. he had hoped to find lo and vee asleep but they werent. they were lying in the dark with an in the night garden audio story playing on a portable speaker and with vees salt lamp and star night light lighting up the room in a soft glow.

logan offered a strained little smile and nod to patton as he stroked vee's hair and cuddled him close. vee was completely out of it honestly. his body was wholly lax against his mama, his lips were in a permanent pout and his eyes were puffy and wet. he barely even acknowledged his papa coming in, his teary eyes just settled on him for a moment then dropped back to the bedsheets without a reaction. he kept lifting his thumb up to suck on it but logan kept capturing it and apologising as he brought it away. Vee shouldnt suck on his thumb and logan doesnt want to give him a paci while he's ill. understandably, baby vee was completely miserable.

patton asks if logan thinks vee could handle a popsicle or plain crackers at the moment but logan disagrees. he doesnt expect either of them to get much sleep so he will make sure vee eats something in a few hours. with a gentle kiss on vee's forehead patton goes off to bed, confident that logan will be able to look after vee and will come get him if theres any issues

logan and vee really dont sleep much at all. Vee drifts off for a few minutes at a time then gasps awake from vivid fever dreams. logan keeps ice cubes in a bowl by the bed for vee to suck on if he needs to cool down and wraps a couple in a flannel to press to vee's head when his fever rises in the middle of the night.

around 3am logan jolts awake and realises he had drifted off. and vee isnt anywhere in the room. he panics momentarily, bolting up from the bed and dashing to the closet to see if virgil is in there - which he tends to do when he is overwhelmed - but then he hears sniffling from the bathroom.

he finds vee, no longer regressed, curled up against the side of the bathtub with his bangs clinging to his sweaty head. vee is the palest person logan knows but he looks positively grey at the moment

'can i help in any way?' he asks, aware that he doesnt need to baby talk at the moment but still eager to look after this bundle of miserableness

virgil just groans under his breath and clutches his knees to his chest. 'i.. i didnt know what to do with the..' he gestures vaguely to something on the floor

logan notices virgil, being not regressed anymore, had obviously wrestled off the diaper he had been changed into the night before and not known how to dispose of it

'its ok, ive got it' logan wraps it up in a bag and puts it in the trash can they have in the room for just this purpose

'sorry.. m stupid' virgil croaks

'You're not stupid.' logan says firmly as he washes his hands 'You're ill and probably delirious from the fever. it's alright virgil'

theres quiet for a bit longer, virge's head pressed against the porcelain edge of the bathtub likely in an attempt to cool his fever. logan stays there with him for a while just waiting. then suddenly virgil starts sobbing and buries his face in his hands.

'sweetheart, tell me whats wrong please' logan hurries to kneel beside him, lifting his hands away from his face. that wouldnt help the fever

'i dont feel well' virgil cries pathetically, tears rolling down his face.

logans heart breaks 'no, you dont. i'm sorry little one, i know its not nice'

at the nickname virgils thumb raises to his lips again, which logan hurriedly intercepts. 'i'll make you a deal, okay? you're allowed to use a pacifier, but you have to use the same one everyday until you are better. we will need to sterilise it every night too.'

vee sniffles and nods, then chokes 'm not a baby right now though'

'that doesnt matter. you dont need to be regressed to want one of your pacis, vee'

vee is unresponsive and starts scratching at his pyjama pants. logan gets a feeling he isnt saying something. then he notices virgil's pout is much more infantile than his adult ones. 'are you feeling little, baby?'

with a harsh shake of his head vee starts crying again. he whispers 'dont wanna be a b...' then cuts himself off and whimpers

logan cards his fingers through virgils damp bangs. he knows what virgils mind has jumped to. 'were you going to say you dont want to be a baby?' he lifts virgils chin up to look at him 'or that you dont want to be a burden?'

virgils pale lip wobbles 'same fing'

'no sweetheart, no no no,' logan sits on the tiles beside vee and pulls him into his lap. virgil goes willingly. logan rocks his baby as he says 'youre always always allowed to be a baby and its never ever going to upset your family. even if you're an adorable wonderful brave baby boy alllll of the time' he scribbles his finger on virgils rosy cheek and delights at the tiny smile it earns him. 'but especially when you're feeling yucky. you feel a bit yucky today dont you, little one?'

vee nods with a pout

'but yknow whats not yucky? softies and pacis and diapers and lots and lots of cuddles with mama' he holds virgil tighter to prove his point. vee sighs and drops his head to nuzzle against his mama's neck. logan feels he still has a slight fever. 'i know what might help you feel less yucky. does my sweet baby want a sweet ice pop?'

thankfully vee nods against his shoulder and grips tight onto his pyjama shirt, preparing for when logan lifts him up

he first makes sure to change vee into another diaper and even decides that he should wear one of mama's t-shirts as a light dress so he doesnt get as overheated by his pyjamas. at this point vee actually giggles for the first time pretty much all day as he feels the tshirt swish lazily around his legs. logan makes a mental note to observe whether little vee might want to try wearing dresses if the feeling sparks this much joy (at this point logan is unaware that vee has secretly been trying skirts and dresses in his room for months, and roman found out a few weeks ago, but vee isnt ready to tell the cgs yet)

by the time vee is in his diaper and mamas tshirt dress and has a paci and jiji clutched to his chest he is a lot calmer and happier. he's still very ill and exhausted and teary, but theres a tiny smile on his face instead of a pout. in the kitchen he picks a strawberry ice pop and it goes down well, logan convinces him to have a cracker too though vee is in such a young headspace by then that he is just sucking on it, which logan supposes is fine too

by the (real) morning vee is still regressed and has managed to have a couple hours undisturbed sleep. its not much but its better than nothing. logan didnt fare much better. by then vee misses his papa and asks for him and logan hands the responsibility over to papa patton, trustinf the other caregiver enough to catch up on a quick power nap himself

but yes, the main thing is vee thought being ill was a burden enough that he shouldnt be regressed too, but logan makes him see that its okay. vee is regressed pretty much the whole time he is ill over the next few days because its stressful and painful and its a lot easier to feel comforted when ur a baby

yeah! gosh that was long, theres probably a billion spelling mistakes! feel free to ask follow up Qs if i missed anything u wanted to know abt this event

Convention Escapades [Leviathan x FemOC]

On AO3 here

Two dorks go to a Convention. There they encounter crowds, self doubt and con creeps and emerge victorious. Smut ensues.

Leviathan x Kore (my Obey Me! MC). NSFW (R18+)  Warnings for: Female OC, self-esteem issues, PIV sex, woman on top, con creeps/mild sexual harassment, sex in cosplay (if you spot anything else I need to add a warning for let me know)

Kore studied her costume carefully in the mirror, tugging at the hemline of the skirt and carefully adjusting the painstakingly styled wig. It wasn’t perfect, the colours a little off in places and several accessories missing. But it had been the best she could do a short notice and with unexpected delays in Akuzon shipping. She’d really wanted to go as Henry, she really had, especially knowing that Levi had a Lord Of Shadows cosplay ready to go and knowing just how happy it would make him. But then Lucifer had piled a mountain of extra homework on her, eating into 90% of her precious little free time and she just hadn’t had the energy to do it. She could have maybe thrown together something passable last minute, even Levi had said as much, but she told him she wanted to do Henry justice and that would require time. She didn’t tell him that she wanted to do Henry justice because the thought of letting him down with an imperfect and rushed version of one of his favourite characters in the whole world was the worst. ‘Next time’ she’d promised him. ‘Next time I’ll do the best Henry you’ve ever seen. We’ll be unstoppable’. He’d blushed, adorably so, and nodded determinedly. She was still fussing over the outfit when she heard someone knocking at the door. “Kore? We’re going to be late for prime queue spots!” Sighing and chewing on her lower lip Kore went to open the door, preemptively wincing ready for him to pick apart the flaws in her cosplay. When there was no noise she warily looked at him. Somewhere beneath all the hair she could see a blush staining his cheeks red. “Is it… okay? I know the colours are off but it was the best I could do last minute after Lucifer dumped all that work on me. Maybe I should have gone for something simpler… cat girls are cool down here too right?” She paused, tilting her head a little to study him. “Um, Levi? Leviachan? Are you okay?” He huffs, giving his head a slight shake. He mutters something under his breath that she can’t quite catch. “We need to go, if we’re not there in time we might not get the limited edition convention special figurine. I can’t miss out on that because some human normie made me late, you understand right? We need to hurry.”

He didn’t realise until they were halfway to the convention that he’d grabbed her hand. He dropped it as if she were made of fire, cheeks burning and eyes wide. “I… um.. I…” He stumbled over his words, refusing to look at her. “Sorry, you wouldn’t want to touch…” She laughed, reaching out for him again. “I don’t mind, how else would I keep up?” Levi was still frozen, staring at her outstretched hand as she wiggled her fingers at him. After a few seconds of staring she reached out and tangled her fingers in his, ignoring his stuttered protests and offering him a bright smile. “Come on, we can’t be late. Not when there are limited edition figurines on the line!”

They got there in plenty of time, early even, but something still felt wrong. Levi would barely look at her, despite his excitement to be there, and it was starting to form a roiling black pit in her stomach. She’d let him down, she knew she had, she should have gone with Henry, even if it wasn’t a good Henry. She was an idiot for thinking one of the main characters from "My Cute New Roommate is Actually a God of Chaos and I Think She’s in Love With Me" would be anywhere near good enough, no matter how much they’d both enjoyed watching the show. She frowned, squeezing his hand a little. “I’m sorry Levi, I can go?” Her voice came out much quieter than she expected and she was lucky he even heard over the chatter of the crowd. Leviathan tensed, grip tightening more than he meant it to as he tugged her to look at him. “W-What? Why… Why would you leave? I-I thought you wanted to be here? Did… did you just come because you felt sorry for me? O-of course you did, who would actually want to spend time with some yucky otaku like me?” The spiral of self loathing came on fast, and it would just get worse she knew, both from her own experiences and from spending time with him. At home she could sit in the calm of his room, gently tell him all the reasons he was wrong, and if things got too bad his brothers were there. For damage control if nothing else. But here, here she didn’t think she had that time, so she did the one thing she knew would shut him up, she flung her arms around him in a tight hug, pressing her smaller body into the warmth of his. It worked. Levi flailed for a moment, startled and embarrassed and not sure what to do, before he gently tried to push her away. Gently enough that she knew he didn’t really want her to let go. If anyone in the line around them had anything to say about the sudden outburst of emotion they wisely kept quiet. “Y-you have to warn me before you do stuff like that. It’s not fair!” “Hush, you adorable idiot.” She grumbled into his chest, before reluctantly letting him go and taking his hand again. “I do want to be here. I’ve been excited about this for weeks. And I really am sorry I didn’t come dressed as Henry, I know you’re upset at me about it and…” she chewed on her lip for a second, gaze fixed firmly on their hands “and it seems like you don’t want me here. I don’t want to ruin your fun.” Levi gawped for a moment, shaking his head so violently he nearly dislodged his headpiece before pulling her back against him. “I wouldn’t have invited you if I didn’t want you here, idiot.” It was disarmingly genuine, no otaku slang or stammering or yoda speak, and that alone was enough to calm all of her frazzled nerves and let her relax against him. She was happy to leave it at that, to not push him about his silence, but he answered for her anyway. “You just, you look…” “It’s not super accurate I know, I’m sorry. Oh, hey, the line is moving! Time to get our figurines!” Whatever Levi was planning to say was lost in the excitement of limited edition Ruri-chan merch as they headed inside.

Inside Kore was happy to find it was much like any convention she’d been to in the human realm, there were official booths as well as an artists alley type area full of fan merch, special guests and so much amazing cosplay she was honestly a little overwhelmed. Levi was grinning in the way that was usually reserved for new long awaited game releases or rare exclusive merch finds. It was refreshing to see him outside, around people, and still so happy. But, she figured, these were his people. They weren’t going to judge him in the way he was afraid of, they were all here for the same thing. “Where did you want to go first? You’re the expert here after all.” Levi paused for a moment, he looked like he was thinking but Kore would have put money on him having a whole itinerary planned in his head. He opened his mouth a few times, beginning to say something before closing it again, his face flushing bright red. “Um, well, I want to see the Doki Doki☆Angel Gakuen panel, and the Devilmation one, and um, there’s a few booths I want to visit… but, but what do you want to do?” Kore grinned, her heart growing in her chest at the sheer earnestness of his desire to make her happy. Levi was a lot of things, not all of them good, but he really did try to do his best by her and the mere thought of it gave her all kinds of warm feelings inside. “As long as I get a good look at the stalls, and maybe a few of the, uh, manga booths I’ll be happy.” She paused, momentarily distracted by someone walking past with a truly spectacular cosplay of one of the armoured knights from ‘I’ve Been Sucked Into This Game as a Plot to Assassinate Me, but They Forgot I’m Top of the Server Leaderboards so I’m Having a Great Time’ “Maybe a few photos?” Levi nodded, chewing on his lip and hiding behind his hair the way he always did when he was nervous. After a few moments he announced “Do that I can” grabbing her hand again and tugging her off towards the ‘official’ stalls in search of rare Ruri-Chan merch. She followed happily, smiling softly at the way the normally quiet demon lit up with delight when surrounded by things he was passionate about. He talked excitedly with the booth owners in a way she'd never seen before. As he finally handed over his grimm, clutching the box to his chest in delight, he turned back to her. "Are you okay? You're quiet…" She smiled, cutting him off before he could try to be self depreciating. "I'm fine. I just don't think I've ever seen you so happy around so many people before. It's nice." He hid his face behind the box, shaking his head. "Come on, you need to buy stuff too!"

He pulled her along behind him, stopping at several booths along the way. To her surprise he stopped at a couple just for her. Eventually they exhausted the official stalls, taking a break and grabbing some food while they watched the Devilmation panel. Once it wrapped up, not without some grumbling from Levi about their choice of voice actor for the official adaptation of one of the manga he was reading, he gently took her hand again leading her in the direction of the fan-run stalls. "Oh wow, this is all so awesome. Hey Levi, look!" She pointed towards a stall dedicated towards some of her favourite otome games only to find he had let go of her hand. "I'll be right back, don't go anywhere." "But Levi I… and he's gone." She sighed, turning back to the stall she'd stopped at. Where did he even dash off to? We got the Ruri-chan merch he wanted… I'm so getting lost in here without him. After a few minutes deliberation she picked out a few pieces of fan merch from her favourite new otome 'My Seven Hot Housemates are Constantly Fighting With Each Other, I Think I'm in Love With All of Them and I Have No Idea What to do About it', a full sticker set and keyrings of her favourites- the shy nerd and the brash adorable idiot. She had wanted the full set, but Mammon had borrowed a chunk of Grimm from her a couple of weeks ago and hadn't paid her back yet. There was still stuff she wanted to buy so she had to be strict with her budget. Levi still hadn't come back so now seemed as good a time as any to get him a thank you gift. Slowly she moved along the stalls, making her way towards one she was pretty sure had Sucre Frenzy prints, when she heard a loud voice behind her. "Oh wow, are you cosplaying Nyar-chan?!" She paused, turning to glance at the voice behind her in mild surprise. "Can we get a picture?" For a moment Kore froze, blinking at them. It had been a very long time since anyone asked her for a photo in cosplay. Maybe it was a trap? But the pair holding a camera looked so happy and earnest, and besides there were plenty of people here… she nodded once, smiling at them. "Sure." That one yes seemed to be the start of a landslide. Suddenly so many people wanted her picture, more than a few just for the novelty of getting close to the human everyone was talking about while the brothers weren't by her side. It was overwhelming, and she barely managed to get the prints she wanted for Levi, her eyes constantly scanning the crowd for him.

"Hey there gorgeous, got time for one more picture?" She blinked up at the man, who towered over her. There was something ominous in his eyes she didn't like, but Levi was nowhere to be seen and kicking up a fuss at this point felt like it would do more harm than good. "Um,  okay?" The demon grinned, his teeth looking far too sharp under the artificial lights. He gently rested an arm on her waist, ignoring her flinch as he did so. His friend took the picture and she went to move away but his grip tightened, claws digging into her hard enough to bruise. "I think I blinked, best take another right?" He looked to his friend, who nodded. Kore swallowed, holding still, eyes constantly flicking through the crowd for that familiar flash of purple. Then she felt his hand drop, no longer digging into her waist but instead dropping to cup her ass, fingers trying to dip beneath the hem of her skirt. She opened her mouth to protest when she sensed it, the dark oppressive pressure she remembered from the ill-fated TSL quiz. "Hands. Off. Her." The demon jumped away, hands in the air as he stared down a clearly irritated Avatar of Envy. "I wasn't doing nothing!" ' In which case you just admitted you were doing something ' she heard Satan's voice in her head at the double negative, chasing away the thought to quickly stride over to Levi, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Levi. Look at me. I'm okay." She soothed, squeezing gently. While his mood was warranted she knew this was a very bad place for him to lose control like that. "I promise, I'm okay. Come on, let's get some air." "But he…" "I know. We can be angry outside." She linked her hand with his, intertwining their fingers and giving him a gentle tug. "Come on." He followed with much less protest than she was expecting, letting her lead him through crowds of demons that swiftly parted, sensing the danger that still hung in the air around the third eldest of the brothers. It wasn’t long before they were outside, though she didn’t let go of his hand until she’d pulled him around to the side of the building away from any prying eyes or further interruptions. “Levi, breathe.” She cupped his face gently, pressing her forehead against his. “Thank you for rescuing me.” She couldn’t see anything but his eyes, though her skin picked up the flush of heat at her words. “I-I didn’t… it’s not like that…” He shook his head slightly. “I didn’t rescue you. Weird normie.” “Yeah, you did. I don’t think he’d have listened to me somehow.” She smiled. “My hero.” “I d-didn’t. I just didn’t want him touching you, not when you look so amazing. And I know I’m just a yucky otaku and he was all... handsome and stuff. But I wanted you to be mine today and I didn’t want him touching you and…” he huffed out a breath, the warmth of it tickling her nose “I’m not a hero. It’s not fair.” Kore just cradled his face in her hands, leaning up to press a soft kiss against his lips. “Whaaa… you’re supposed to warn me if you’re going to do that! I need time to prepare! I wasn’t ready!” “Sorry not sorry. I couldn’t resist. Now hush for a minute.” Her hands remained on his cheeks, forcing him to look at her. “You’re not a yucky otaku, you are, in fact, a very handsome and amazing otaku. Who just so happens to be one of the most powerful demons in the whole of Devildom, and the Grand Admiral of Hell’s Navy. Which makes you a badass. Not yucky. Not gross. Not any of the other bad stuff you say about yourself. Believe me, that dude was not handsome. He was gross. Not you. I think you’re pretty awesome.” “I’m…” “You’re awesome. Don’t argue with me. And… wait, did you say I look amazing.” “Y-yes?” “Okay. I’m going to kiss you again.” This time he didn’t protest, tentatively kissing her back as he pressed her up against the wall. She whimpered into the kiss, one hand tangling in the hair at the back of his head as he grew more confident, his free hand trailing down to gently stroke the exposed skin between her skirt and the long socks she wore. Panting she pulled back, resting her forehead against his as she tried to pull air into her lungs. “Was… was that okay?” There was a tremor of nervousness in his voice that made Kore want to kiss him again just to make him realise how great he was. “It was better than okay. Is this why you’ve been weird with me all day?” He wouldn’t look her in the eyes but she felt the slight movement of his head as he nodded, fingers still tracing the exposed patch of skin on her thigh. “Okay…” She paused, not sure where to go with this, there was still plenty they both wanted to do inside the convention, but the way he kissed her and his fingers trailing across her skin made her want to do all kinds of other things. “Okay. We’re going to finish up inside, and I’m going to stay by your side whether you like it or not. Then we’re going home to finish this.” A whine bubbled up in Levi’s throat and she leant up to press her lips against his, silencing him with a promise. “You know you’d be upset if you missed the panels, I’ll still be around when this is over.” “But my brothers… I know you like them more…” Kore huffed, pressing a hand against his mouth. “I don’t. Leviathan, listen to me. I like you. I like your brothers. Remember that talk we had about sharing? I know it’s harder for you, I know you get jealous, but you have to trust me.” She sighed. “Please?” Swallowing Levi nodded, letting her lead him back inside just in time for the Doki Doki☆Angel Gakuen panel.

The rest of the day went in a blur, the panel was funny and informative, they picked up a few more bits of merch, and thankfully no more pushy demons tried to feel her up. Probably thanks to Levi being near glued to her side, his hand hovering near her waist. He at least enjoyed his panel, and got photos with his favourite voice actress prompting Kore to grin at him and point out what a good idea staying at the convention was really. After all, they had plenty of time later. On the way home she bought him Bufo Egg Milk Tea and promised she'd make up for all the waiting.

Luckily the tea was long drunk by the time they walked through the doors of the House of Lamentation, Levi dragging her straight to his room with barely a hello to Lucifer who had been waiting in the entrance hall for them to return. Only when they got to his room did his newfound confidence falter, his hands hovering over her but not seeming to dare make contact. With a huff she grabbed his shirt, pressing her lips hard against his. "I can't make it up to you if you won't touch me Leviachan. And I want you to touch me." She purred, pressing herself up against him. “A-are… are you sure?” "I wouldn't be in this position if I wasn't." She paused, pulling back a little to look him in the eyes. “Do you want this? You can say no you know.” For a moment Levi looked panicked and she felt terrible, as much as she wanted him (and she really wanted him right now) she had never wanted to push him into anything. It was just with the way he behaved before she thought… But the panic fades from his face as his fingers come into contact with her sides, running gently up and down the soft fabric. He nods once, chewing nervously on his lower lip. “I… I want you.” Kore smiles, pressing up against him once more to capture his lips. This time his hands grip onto her hips, pulling her so he can grind against her. She moans at the contact, fingers clenched in his top, and it finally gives him the burst of confidence he needs to take control. One hand moves up to grope at her chest, a low growl rumbling through his throat as he finds the layers of fabric hinder his touch. He tugs until the fabric moves low enough to uncover her breasts, ignoring what he thinks was a tearing sound as his fingers ghost over the skin, finding where her nipples have hardened against his touch. He's not a virgin, like so many seem to think, but it has been a long time, and these aren't just any breasts. They're Kore's breasts. Small and soft and so perfect his breath catches in his throat and he could swear his heart skips a beat. She makes a low meaning noise in her throat as he rolls one of the stiff peaks between his fingers. He could come from those sounds alone, he thinks dipping his head to flick his tongue over the other, he needs to hear more. Her back arches, pressing her breasts towards him as she fumbles with a hand to try and palm him through his trousers. "Ah- fuck Levi! That… ah, it feels so good." His hips buck against her hand  and she takes it as a sign to try and slide her hand inside, fingers wrapping around his length and stroking gently. Levi lifts his head abruptly to stare at her, expression flickering between shock, embarrassment and pure need. "I-if you do t-that I won't be able to- to hold back." The corner of Kore's lips lifts in a hungry smirk. "That was the plan. Please Levi? I need you." "But you, you're not…" She pulls her hand away and he whines, watching with wide eyes as she pulls his hand from her breast and pushes it up her skirt, pressing his fingers into the damp fabric. He slips a finger past her underwear, sliding through the slick coating her folds before pulling his hand away and staring at it in amazement. "Please? I want you." He nods in response, not trusting his voice to work enough to form words. She moved to take off her skirt but he shakes his head, earning him a raised eyebrow and a look tinged with concern. "I- um, leave it on? Please?" "Kinky." She grins, but leaves the skirt and socks in place, hooking her thumbs through the waistband of her underwear and tugging them down.

Levi tugs them towards the bathtub that serves as his bed, kicking off his trousers as he goes. He falls back into the soft pillows, tugging her down on top of him, her legs straddling his hips. His confidence grows now he knows this is happening, that she wants him like this and it wasn't all just desperate fantasies. “Are you sure?” Her voice was slightly strained, but she hovered above him watching his face. Levi thrust his hips up against her, his cock sliding through the wetness between her legs. “I need you to say it.” “Yes.” It came out as more of a whimper than he intended, but when she lowered herself onto his cock he really couldn’t bring himself to care. His fingers gripped into her thighs, leaving dents in the plush skin that would surely bruise later as she started to move. His body reacted almost on instinct, thrusting up into her warm wet heat. She moaned, back arching as she rolled her hips in time with his thrusts. “Ah, yes Levi. You feel so good.” He growled, thrusting harder into her until she was reduced to a mess of whimpers and moans. “Ah, fuck.” He groaned, tilting his head back. “I- I won’t last much-” She moaned in response, sliding a hand between her legs, flipping her skirt up so he could watch as she rubbed slow circles over her swollen clit. Levi groaned, feeling her walls start to clench around him. “Th-that’s not helping.” Kore laughed, broken and thready. “I don’t know, fuck , I’d say it’s helping. Ah fu- it feels so good.” Levi’s head was tilted back, breath coming in gasps as she started to lose rhythm, her hips stuttering allowing him to set the pace. He could feel the ripple of muscle around him as she got close, her walls clenching and unclenching a few times before they started to tighten. “O-oh, I’m close. Fuck, Levi, ah... ” Her body started to tremble, words lost in a half-coherent moan as she unravelled on top of him. He fucked her through her orgasm, not sure if he would even be able to pull out with the way she’d clamped down around him. As the last waves passed and her body started to slump he lifted her, pulling out just in time to splatter her thighs with his release, her name a low moan in his mouth. She fell forwards, bracing her weight on her arms against the sides of the tub as the room descended into quiet save the sounds of their ragged panting. “I, uh, might need to borrow some clothes.” She chuckled, looking down at the sticky mess on her costume. Levi went bright red, covering his face with his arms, shyness rushing back. “S-sorry! I didn’t mean to!” She grinned. “You did, and that’s fine. That was hot.” He peeked up at her between his fingers. “R-really?” “Mhm.” Shifting gingerly in the small space she pulled off her ruined skirt and socks, tossing them out of the tub onto the floor. “Later.” Slowly she lowered herself next to him, nuzzling her face into his chest and pulling his arm to wrap around her.

Shattered, Part 7

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Midquel - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9- Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 the end

⚠️WARNING!⚠️

*A twisted story of Pokemon Sword and Shield, with Leon as main character. *Lots of fanons. *Everything is headcanon. *It isn’t spoiler free. *It includes death of a character. *SUPER ANGSTY.

"Bleh, it's yucky. You should cook something more greasy and unhealthy for us, old man."

"Then why don't you bring some food once in a while? If not, zip it. Beside, it isn't even for you, Raihan. Why are you eating and judging it anyway?"

Raihan and Kabu were complaining to each other in front of Leon, with a lighter atmosphere in the room. It became a regular thing now that three gather in Leon's place, Kabu brings packed meal and they all share the food as well as stories. Kabu would tell fascinating stories of faraway Hoenn Region, with so many unknown pokemons. Raihan would tell Leon about the fun they had together in pokemon camp and in daily life. Of course, they would listen and sympathize when Leon was low. With time, a smile bloomed in Leon's face more often and things seemed to have taken a turn for better.

____________________________________

One day, Leon quietly suggested something that neither Kabu nor Raihan expected.

"Maybe... we should gather somewhere else next time."

Kabu and Raihan stared at Leon with shock.

"Are you sure?" Kabu asked worriedly.

"I mean, you really shouldn't go outside when you are not ready. If it is pushing you, I suggest we do it later."

"Yeah, the old man got a point."

"I'm fine, really. You did so much to me, and I should make some progress by now."

Leon calmly grinned.

To be honest, Leon was still afraid of outside. Anywhere he goes, the place would have at least a hint of recollections on Hop. That's how close Leon was to his brother, and it would surely break Leon. But with all the help, he just couldn't stay the same forever.

"Well, if you say so... Then we should start with the closest town." Raihan suggested but Leon had another idea.

"Actually, I would like to go to Motostoke City. Mr. Kabu came all the way to my home all the time, so I think it is better to meet there to make things easier for him."

"Young man, do not worry about me. Do not push yourself."

"I'm fine, really." Leon chuckled again.

Raihan sighed.

"You're not gonna back down, eh? Fine. Just promise that you will make a beeline home as soon as you think it is too much for you."

"I promise."

____________________________________

A few days later, Leon wore the most comfortable clothes possible to loosen up before a big day in 8 months. He took a deep breath and lightly slapped his face twice with his hands as if he was going into the battle with a challenger. His mom was anxious to let him out of the house, but Leon insisted and persuaded her.

Leon took another deep breath and opened the door. The sunlight was blinding. It sure has been ages since he greeted the sun.

Everything around him, from the garden to surrounding town seemed so unfamiliar. It was just proving how long Leon was staying as a shut-in. As he opened the door, Raihan was waiting for him. Leon took a very timid step outside. The feeling of stepping on dirt just felt awfully bizarre. He shivered in intimidation. Raihan took his hand for him, helping and leading him outside where Flying Taxi was waiting to take them to Motostoke City.

"Take it easy. One step at a time."

Raihan encouraged Leon. With his friend's help, Leon was able to take the taxi and fly to the destination. And during their travel, Leon shut his eyes tight, to make sure he doesn't see the place he wants to avoid with all his life.

____________________________________

Motostoke City was brimming with people. They were scattered everywhere in small groups, shopping or chatting in the cafe. It was nerve-wracking for Leon to be exposed to so many people in a long while. It reminded him of that day of Champions Tournament, where he lost to Victor. Soon, Raihan and Leon arrived at the Motostoke Stadium.

"Stay here, okay? I'll get the old man. Will you be alright?"

Raihan sat Leon on one of the benches and asked. Leon smiled and replied.

"Of course."

"I'll be right it."

After Raihan left, Leon sat quietly alone. He was nervous as hell but was trying to keep calm. He fiddled with his fingers to see if it helps, but it didn't do much.

But after a short while, some people behind Leon's back started to exchange whispers.

"Hey, isn't that...?"

"Yeah, he is. The former Champion."

Leon could feel the chill going through his back.

"Did you see that? He smiled. He actually smiled."

"He's insane. How dare he smile when his own brother committed suicide?"

"Exactly! Has he no conscience? A family should have protected that poor boy. Yet he didn't do his RESPONSIBILITY and smiling like an ass! How dare he even feel happy? He is ought to be ashamed."

Leon's mind went blank again. Familiar despair twinged from within. Every sound around him started to blare. Leon blocked his ears and tried to breathe but he started to lose his breath again. It was as if he was having a panic attack.

They're right.

Who am I kidding?

How dare I feel happy after not protecting my beloved brother?

The blaring around him and the sense of being watched became unbearable. Leon forgot all about Raihan and Kabu and ran out of the Motostoke Stadium.

But being on the street crowded with people just made everything worse. All the eyes felt like sizing up on Leon and all their conversations felt like backbiting. The noise of people started to blare again and the whole world seems like spinning, making Leon dizzy and feel nausea. Leon just ran off to shake it off. But the more he tried to run away from the crazy hell of noises, the louder the noises got. Leon was losing his breath again. His mind became crashed so far off that he couldn't come up with a simple plan of going back into the Stadium and ask for help from his pal and a good uncle. He dashed madly, not knowing where he was going. He was desperate to get away from the sight of the people.

____________________________________

After running for a while, the noises died down. Leon took some deep breath and looked up.

But...

Things go from bad to worse so quickly.

For not seeing where he was running to, he ended up in a place that is like a hell to him...

The WILD AREA.

The cruel memories that he was pushing to the corner came rushing back in. The coldness, wetness, and stiffness in his hands, and the feeling of his world caving in.

"No... No... No!!!"

Leon started to sprint again in panic. The terror devoured him and stopped all his thinking processes. Only one thought possessed Leon.

Get out of here.

Escape.

So he kept hustling to the place he doesn't even know, and the result was expected. The more he ran, the more he got lost in his own hell. Since it was winter, Wild Area was freezing cold and it was snowing everywhere. Every time Leon breathed to run, the icy air filled up his lungs, causing intensive pain. But he still couldn't stop, because his hell continued like an endless loop. All the places seemed similar and the lake was everywhere. The fear choked Leon. It was as if he was tortured in hell for not protecting his brother.

After roaming around the Wild Area for hours, Leon collapsed on the ground. He could barely breathe, due to all the icy air he inhaled and the terror. The air froze his lungs. His consciousness started to fade away. The snow began to pile up on the collapsed young man, dropping his body temperature sharply.

'Oh. Is this the end?' Leon thought.

'Thank goodness... At least I got to die in the same place as Hop... Does that mean... I get to go to wherever he is...?'

He tried to move his body, but the frozen lungs screamed out intense pain and the body was so fatigued to move a finger. He could feel his body going stiff.

So this was how it was.

This is how he died.

Suffocating in fear.

As Leon thought all these, his eyes closed gently. His breathing became weaker, as he blacked out slowly.

"...Lee."

An incredibly familiar voice that cuts right into the bones woke Leon up. He couldn't move, but he could feel a person hugging him from behind.

"I'm sorry..."

The owner of the voice apologized, as he sobbed.

"I thought I was lifting the burden from you by doing this, but instead, I hurt you so much..."

Then why! Why did you leave me like that!!

As soon as Leon knew who that voice belongs to, he tried to quibble that person, but his voice didn't work.

"I cannot apologize enough, Lee. I shouldn't have done such a thing to you. I did it to make you comfortable but I made everything worse. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

Come on, voice, work!!

Leon was desperate to ask him tons of long-overdue questions and hold him in his arms once more, but he couldn't move. Leon just slowly faded away, 

as something warm covered him.

Bakusquad Headcanons (mainly focused around Sero and Kaminari) I might do a Part 2 later

Okay so all of them (minus Bakugou) seem to be chill but certain things (or all the time) make them suuuper competitive

1. Mall shenanigans, going around and buying things for each other to see who had the best gift feat. An awkward Bakugou Katsuki who has to find something for Mina and he asks subtly

2. Sneaking out of the dorms to get food. It was Sero and Kaminari’s idea, Mina was in it because it was a wonderful night for a walk, Kirishima wanted a Bang energy drink and Bakugou only went along because “Knowing you dumbasses you would get lost before you even get there”

3. Kaminari realizing Bakugou has a soft spot for him feat. The BakuSquad all tell him that he won’t get mad if Kaminari breaks the news. They’ve awakened a demon. Kaminari claims that he has “Special Best Rights” and nobody corrects him but Sero does add “And the fact that you fear no god.” Mina and Kirishima both nod in agreement.

4. Playing Smash at 1am in the lounge room feat. Bakugou sucking miserably because he button mashes and has to whisper yell when he dies. Kirishima ends up teaching him some tricks. Sero ends up being the one who cackles and they are all quiet until they hear footsteps coming down the stairs, Mina stares at them all horrified. “Scatter.” They all run separate ways like roaches. Bakugou ends up hiding in a cabinet. Kaminari hides behind a fake plant, while Kirishima rushes to the bathroom and hides in the shower. Sero is the one who gets caught, Mina ends up hiding out in the kitchen. They have these competitions almost every Saturday because Bakugou refuses to stay up late on school nights.

6. Kitchen mayhem, Bakugou is visiting his mom since his dad is away so the group must fend for themselves. Kaminari ends up setting the kitchen on fire and meanwhile Kirishima is FaceTiming Bakugou when all of it is going down. While Bakugou’s home he feels like his group doesn’t need him so when he sees the chaos feat various screeches of “DEAR GOD PUT IT OUT”

“wHOS GETTING TODOROKI?!”

“God this smells like charred ass” Bakugou smiles and grabs his coat.

“Later old hag.” He heads to the door clearly he’s needed elsewhere. Suddenly feeling bad Kirishima waves his hands.

“It’s okay really we’ve got it. You don’t have to leave I didn’t mean to cut your visit short.”

“Oh please”, Bakugou says. “I’m clearly needed.”

He’s about to open the door when his mom shouts at him. “And where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

“I’m heading back. My dumbass friends have set the kitchen on fire.” He can’t help but allow the smile to fall onto his face.

The anger could wait first he had a Kitchen to save. Because of this incident the Bakusquad aren’t allowed anywhere near the kitchen without Bakugou or somebody else being with them.

7. Kaminari initiates stress relieving cuddles 99% of the time. After a typically stressful day he’ll break into Bakugou’s room and just lay smack down on his bed. Bakugou pretends to be angry but at this point he just texts the group chat named Cracktivities by Sero and tells the squad to “get their asses over” they all end up watching a movie and fall asleep half way through. They’re covered in blankets and Mina ends up bringing snacks that at first Bakugou was against because “I SWEAR TO FUCK IF I FIND ANY CRUMBS IN MY BED ALL OF YOU ARE DEAD” but it holds no heat to it

8. The group all steal Bakugou’s hoodies cause he’s warm at first and it soon turns into all of them sharing clothes whether they mean to or not. One day Mina and Kaminari pass each other in the hallway and both nod before they back up and stare at each other. “Is that my choker?” She asks. Kaminari tried to look down but can’t. “Maybe? Is that my belt?” She stares down at the belt with a lightning bolt on it. “I think so?” Kaminari smiles. “Oh cool, if that’s the case it looks epic on you.” Mina beams. “Same to you! The choker really brings a new level to your outfit!”

10.Group therapy session. Mina paints their nails and Jirou puts on some calming music as they all vent about things that are going on in their lives. Kirishima puts on a face mask and gets Kaminari to do it to. He tries getting Bakugou to do it too by saying “Come on rejuvenating skin is manly bro.” Bakugou just smirks. “Remember my quirk works as a skin care routine in itself.” The rest of the squad wears face masks Sero sighs dramatically. “Oh to have flawless skin without breakouts.” Kaminari takes a cucumber off his face, “Oh to be cursed with natural beauty.” Bakugou doesn’t know how to handle that compliment so he just rolls his eyes and smiles. “Idiots,” he says staring down at Sero who’s dramatically sprawled out on the floor. They all smile at him while Mina corrects him. “Your idiots.” He cant even deny it as a fond look passes over his face. “My idiots.”

11. He has a sixth sense and knows when they are up to something. At one point he walks past Kirishima’s room and hears “Dont tell Bakugou” so naturally he kicks the door open and says “Tell me what.” He ends up looking between Sero and Kaminari only to find that there are kittens everywhere. “No.”

“Oh come on Bakugou, can’t we keep them?”

“Aizawa will kill you for this no.”

“No he won’t he loves cats.”

“Fine, I’ll kill you for this.”

They end up sneaking the kittens into 1-B’s class early before class starts. Kaminari and Sero give a tearful goodbye to each kitten while Bakugou is smirking ruthlessly while trying to keep the cats at bay and make sure they will have everything they need. When Shinsou goes into the classroom to find the kittens first thing in the morning it’s a good day. No kitten was harmed and they all got anonymously adopted by Aizawa. They almost get caught because the trio has to hide them in their school uniforms and on the way to 1-B All Might sees them. Bakugou pushes Sero and Kaminari to keep walking as All Might approaches.

“Good morning Young Bakugou, what’s in your coat?” Before he can answer one of the kittens meow, without missing a beat he turns to face All Might.

“Drugs.” He says and walks off before the hero can ask anything else.

12. I guarantee you at some point when him and Kaminari were sparring and Bakugou held Kaminari’s head down with his hand, Kaminari’s first reaction would be to lick his hand. It takes 0.2 seconds for the instant regret to kick in. Kaminari immediately throws Bakugou off and starts viciously wiping his tongue down. “Ew ew ew ew ew I got it in my mouth yuck.”

It takes a couple of seconds for Bakugou to just realize what the fuck happened and he loses his shit laughing. He follows Kaminari as he makes a mad dash to the kitchen and downs whatever is in the fridge. “Oh my god it burns!!!” He whines and quickly turns on the sink violently rubbing his tongue down in an attempt to get the taste off of his tongue. The Bakusquad ask them what’s wrong but between Bakugou laughing and Kaminari gargling dink water babbling “regrets regrets I have so many regrets” every chance he gets mingled in with a “yucky” or “disgusting, grosss” they have no idea what happened.

Kaminari just decides fuck it He grabs the dish soap and places it on his tongue scrubbing at it so his head is cocked so that he has the best angle to wash his tongue and then makes awkward eye contact with Aizawa who is watching in horror. Kaminari tries to be suave and waves to him “Sup Sensei” and Aizawa looks from Kaminari to where Bakugou is practically wheezing in a spinny chair for him to walk out while muttering “Fuck this class, should’ve retired when I had the chance”

Meanwhile the Bakusquad finally connects the dots as to what happened and join Bakugou in a laughing fit while Kaminari whines with his face pressed to the sink still. “Oh come on you guys it’s not funny.” But they can’t hear him over the sound of all of them laughing. “You’re an idiot what made you think that would work?” Sero asks. Kaminari starts gesturing wildly which only makes them laugh harder “it was a reflex okay?!” Finally when the burning calms down he looks over at Mina who’s googling what happens when you lick nitroglycerin “am I gonna die?”

Jirou suddenly stands beside him and places a consoling hand on his shoulder. “Yes.” And then she leaves causing the group to start snickering again. Kaminari brushes his hands down his tongue saying “Absolutely disgusting” before wiping it onto Bakugou’s arm. He shrieks and jumps out of the chair “What the fuck do you think you’re doing dunce face?!”

“Returning the nitroglycerin I licked ya nasty”

He reaches his hands towards his face. “There seems to be a bit more.”

“KAMINARI NO!”

He licks his hands. The moment Kaminari’s hands touched his tongue he knew he fucked up.

“GODDAMIT!”

He runs back to the sink.

That’s all I can think of so far, if you guys have anything else to add feel free.

Forgotten stories 1:Baby angel (Mortal instruments)

Jace stared at his birth father, mouth open in shock. the older blond was all grins however as he held up a pair of short-all's and a diaper shirt on a coat hanger with one hand, and was holding a pack of special adult diapers with the other. His father had been talking about how much he wanted to be back in jace's life and Jace himself was more then open for that (lord knew he could use the break from demon slaying) but then his dad had suggested starting from the beginning, at which point he had pulled out the embarrassing garments. Jace couldn't help but notice, even in his shock that the diapers in question were call lil stinkers, and the pack had a boy not much older then himself all scrunchie face and clearly dumping a load in the back of his nursery print diapers..with the pack boasting about it's heavy duty capacity and it's new and improved smell blockers "Sooo..what do you think?" Stephen asked, as it had been a full 20 seconds now since his son had said anything. "..Are you on crack!?" "..Not the answer i was hoping for, but we can work with it.. No sweetie, daddy isn't on any drug but the love you bring into his life!" "..No really, what are you on? should i be checking the trash for needles?" "Sweetie your starting to hurt daddies feelings." "You wanna put me back in diapers and dress me up like a baby!" "Well no, thats not true." "..YOU HAVE SHORTALLS AND DIAPERS! How is that NOT a baby!?" "because I'ma make you a toddler. totally different." ".. I'm checking the trash cans." "enough, come on, I really think that you letting me dress you up will help us bond. give me ONE day, just one!" stephen pleaded and set the items down, bringing his hands together to beg. "Ngggh..One day.. and I'm not craping myself." jace said, looking at the outfit and well, maybe a small tiny itty bitty little part of him was wondering just what the diapers would feel like. "Deal!"

20 minutes later and Jace, the more powerful of all of those with angel blood.. was staring at himself in the mirror with a red face. the thick diapers pushed his legs apart and the black shortall's simply bulged trying to contain the double thick diapering he'd gone under. (and when he had tried to whine that one was enough, Stephen had merely pointed out that since it was for one day only, he wanted maxamin diaper butt cuteness..unless jace was willing to make it three day. at which point Jace had huffed and hugged the chicken stuffie his daddy had handed him) Stephen had even quickly checked jace's core temp while diapering him, slipping a finger in and out of his sons butt hole a few times and jace could almost swear there was still a finger or SOMETHING up there! his white diaper shirt did go along nice with the shortalls, and his power ranger socks and sonic sneakers (velco of course) had his crinkling and really looking like a big baby. 'toddler.' he reminded himself and huffed, clutching chickenboo (so what if he had named the stuffie already?) closer to his chest. "You look so friggen cute!" Stephen gushed, coming up behind his son and kissing the big toddler's cheek, making him squirm. "Daddy.." jace whined, but a little smile broke out. "So ready to go to the park and play?" Stephen asked, and ducked from the swing of death (trademark pending) that came from jace using Chickenboo. "take it thats a no." Stephen chuckled. "No outside!" "But daddy wants to push you on the swing set!" "NO.OUT.SIDE!" huffed the pouty boy who was glaring now. "how about a deal? if you can keep your diapies clean for a hour, then no outside. you go tinkle or boom boom.." Stephen trailed off and smiled. "..fine! but first me and chicken boo are going and checking the trash cans." "..for the last time, i'm not on smack!"

after checking the trash can's anyways, Chickenboo and jace settled down in the living room, sitting on the floor with his sneakers still on (just in case he decided he wanted to play outside according to daddy, like THAT was gonna happen) and watching cartoon while Daddy made them lunch. Seeing that it was Grilled cheese and fries jace put on a polite face, as he would of preferred some Chinese take out but then again he likely would of ended up having to answer the door and then would of had to kill the delivery boy to keep rumors of this from spreading, so it was for the best. the sandwich was mostly good till he got to the middle, where he started to gag and choke and Stephen was there in a instant, patting his back and asking if he was ok before Jace was finally able to spit up what had started to gag him, a slice of cucumber! "are you trying to poison me!?" the huffy big toddler whined in the aftermath. "..are you allegoric to them?" "No! but their GROSS! and Yucky!" Jace huffed and whined, then used part of the blanket he had been sitting on to wipe his touge to clear off the icky cucumber taste. '...and he wonders why I think he's perfect for being a big toddler.'

it wasn't too long after that though that jace had gone from playing with chickenboo, sitting up on the couch with daddy to bolt up and dashing for the bathroom. 'I was wondering when those would kick in.' Stephen thought, casually strolling up behind Jace who was now in the bathroom, whining and struggling with the shortalls, and pooting up a storm. "oh my, sounds like somebody could use some help!" "G-Guhh..Daddy come on! I'm gonna crap myself!" Jace whined and pleaded. "well you ARE diapered so that would be ok.. butttt I guess i'll be nice and let you use A potty." Stephen said. "thank you thank you thank you!" Jace mewed and turned so daddy could get the stupid frigging buckles undo for him. "but we'll have to go back out to the living room." Stephen added. "...but the toilets right here!" JAce whined and let out a LOUD fart that had the boy hunching over, a look of panic on his face. "The adult potty is, you're potty is in a closet in the living room. do you wanna argue with daddy and poop your diapies, or listen like a good boy and go boom boom in a potty?" "Big boy! big boy!" "heh. then take daddies hand." Stephen said and held his hand out. moaning and whining, jace limped behind Stephen as they headed back for the living room, he was on the verge of losing it and it was only his angel blood that had kept him from disgracing himself this far. the potty was a stupid DUCK and Jace instantly hated it, but compared to his other option he knew he couldn't be picky.. Daddy got his shortalls off and then undid the snaps on the diaper shirt as jace whimpered and whined, almost on the verge of tears. "Dadddy hurry! I can't hold it much longer!" the big baby whined, wetting his diapers as he struggled to hold his poopies in and then the diapers were tugged down and off, along with everything else and in just his socks and sneakers Jace plopped down on the duck potty, grabbing the handles and crying out as wave after wave of hot sludge erupted from his bottom. "P-P-Pooooping daddddy!" "yup, you sure are. on the potty! such a big boy!" Stephen said and kissed jac'es forehead as the poor boy was unloading everything in his guts. the smell quite frankly was awful, but to Stephen it was victory and he decided to hold off mentioning that the wet diapers meant they could go to the park. a weak trickle of urine mixed with the poopies and with a final spurting fart, Jace just leaned against the potty, panting and sweating. "wow, i'm shocked you still have your bones after that!" Stephen teased and got a weak glare from Jace. "Just..Just hand me some tp, a ice pack and let me mourn for my butt hole." Jace mumbled. "Cute. but little guys don't wipe themselves. you strong enough to stand up and bend over for daddy?...for me to wipe your butt..just realized how that sounds." stephen said, then added the second part quickly. "..I'd kick your butt but I just down have the power right now." Jace mumbled weakly and slowly got himself standing and bent over, closing his eyes tight as stephen wiped his now slightly gaping asshole with the little guy all clean, stephen led him to the bedroom, still naked save for his feet and noted that Jace looked half out of it, rubing a eye and yawning lots. not a dsingle argument was given as daddy laid him on the bed and tugged his shoes and socks off, then got the big toddler in a fresh diaper (only one this time and then handed jace chickenboo. "I think somebody could use a little nap." Stephen said and kissed jace's cheek as the oversized toddler blushed and snuggled into the stuffie. "am..kinda sleepy.." "Have a good sleep buddy. daddy love you~" Stephen coo'ed. "..Love you too daddy." the strongest demon slayer in the world mewed, then as daddy tugged the curtains closed and tip toed out, Jace drifted off to dreamland, with one last thought echoing in his head. 'Maybe this isn't so bad after all..'

I just had the biggest most intensely painful cry of my life. oh my god. I have never felt so much pain and grief all at once. thank god Rose was awake. thank you everyone for hearing me. there are no words to describe the tremendous pain i carry around inside, and usually my meds keep me robotic and unfeeling and able to stuff what i do feel. and i didn’t take my meds today. and i tripped on acid last night and today. and last night, since i had taken my meds that day, i was able to shove it down when i wanted to cry. we went on a walk and there were sirens and something bad was happening near by and there were so many sirens. i got triggered as usual but it was worse coz i was tripping. so i held the cry in my chest for the rest of the night. i woke up crying today. but stopped it quickly. i held the cry in and felt so sad all day and so lonely. i took a microdose because i wanted to get the cry out. it felt yucky. i cried a tiny bit on the back porch and rose got on the floor to cry with me and it was good to sob and have them tell me they love me and it’s okay to cry. but i didn’t cry it all out before my body shut down. i went to dinner with my family and dosed two more hits when I left. came to my grandmas house after watching the sunset and things felt so melancholy and i knew the cry was coming. and i put off crying because i know i have a huge amount of pain inside me. but i know i need to get it out or else it’s going to get worse. so somehow eventually, i let it happen and it was the worst pain i have ever ever felt. the physical aching gut wrenching pain that throbs so hard you don’t know what to do with yourself. i felt like i needed someone to squeeze me and i couldn’t hold myself tight enough. i have been through a lot, felt a lot. but this was everything i had buried all at once. every ounce of grief, loss, heartbreak, unsureness, feelings of abandonment, you name it the heaviest drippiest nastiest feelings were all writhing around inside of me, i could feel them moving all around my chest and stomach like a million little orbs dashing around and they each weigh one thousand tons. i have had more breakdowns than i can count. i’ve probably spent a third of my life in a breakdown, a meltdown, a crying screaming fit of some sort. but nothing has ever felt so terribly disgustingly piercingly excruciatingly painful as what i just felt. and i cried for maybe an hour, maybe only 45 mins. and then my body started shutting down. I took my meds. I took a shower. I cried some little more tiny bits.

now i’m in bed. in a towel. so warn out. only barely relieved.

how in the hell are we tiny beings able to feel that much. I absolutely hate it. the human experience has been so overwhelming for me lately.

I wish I could take a break and hide from everything just for a little bit

im sick of bottling things up and i’m sick of having to feel anything ever.

god I hope I sleep hard tonight

I hope the world ends while I sleep and i never wake up and everyone’s existence disappears so no one has to be sad or be grown up or anything ever again

I am so dissociated suddenly. everything is too much

Thoughts on Voltron Season 7

SPOILERS, OBVIOUSLY! Things that annoyed/angered/saddened/frustrated me: *Kuron still being treated as though he was nothing more than some evil monster and convenient spare parts for Shiro. I am still nauseated by the whole thing. This poor precious baby boy deserved so much better. *Shiro’s hair -I mean come on, his fringe was pure white before but now it’s grey? What, did the whole process leach colour from the rest of his hair yet restore some to his fringe?! I will just assume it’s meant to be white but they felt this particular shade of white/grey worked best aesthetically with his outfits etc. *Too little Shiro for too many episodes. *Too much Keef. (Sorry, fandom has completely ruined this character for me, he’s not a bad character but I am repulsed by his mere name thanks to the toxicity in this fandom. I wish I could go back to the beginning of watching Voltron when he was just another decent character that I felt neither yay nor nay about, but it is what it is.) *That weird game show -if it was some magical space mage mumbo jumbo thingy that just transported their consciousness, why wasn’t Shiro there? And the whole ‘comedy family’ shtick with the Galra... I mean, it was a bit funny but... mostly weird tbh. The funniest parts were the commercials. *Way too little background/interaction with Shiro and Adam. *Also Adam’s design -like, why do you make an entirely new character that looks a lot like a mix of two other characters who are father and son (Matt and Sam)? You could have done literally anything to his design but you went safe and way too familiar? I mean holy moly did you see Kinkade? Fuck yeah what a gorgeous design, that is exactly what my hopeful heart pictured for Shiro’s boyfriend but nope. Give us generic floppy-hair glasses boy with a generic medium brown palette, it’s so fresh and new and interesting. Not. *Adam FUCKING DYING before Shiro even got back to Earth. You could have at least let the poor boy have a reunion with someone waiting for him on Earth before burying some more gays, but no. He must suffer. *Shiro getting like three seconds to mourn Adam. 

*Speaking of burying your gays... (not to mention a delightful dash of the ‘evil lesbians’ trope): Ezor and Zethrid. Yayy on their relationship, nay on them being presumably killed off (I mean killing 3 out of 4 queer characters while keeping the straight characters safe is not a good way to show how queer friendly your show is. And no the ‘we had to show how dark and dangerous war is’ excuse doesn’t work when the only characters you kill are the queer ones. There were plenty of characters back on Earth we’d have felt just as deeply about -or more even- considering we’ve heard about the other paladins’ families back on Earth but we’d never heard of Adam until now. Just imagine if Veronica had died -that would have been intensely emotional and really had gone to show all that you wanted about the dangers of war -especially as I don’t doubt for a second that Lance would have gotten an entire episode at least to mourn her while Shiro got like three seconds. Because Shiro is apparently not allowed to mourn). *And isn’t it funny how the most alien-looking Galra women are the evil ones, while the ‘good’ ones look more or less like lavender-skinned human women (and are also very pretty, petite and with slender, ‘sexy’ bodies.) Like, seriously... *Not to mention how creepy it is that Keef’s Galra mom and the other ‘good’ Galra woman (Acxa, who for whatever reason the show tried to force some out-of-the-blue yucky heteromance together with Keef) look disturbingly much alike (and they look to be the same age too more or less. So sick and tired of the ‘hot young-looking mom’ trope in media but especially animated shows. And especially when the kids end up banging girls looking to be more or less the same age as their mom). *Shiro not reacting when Ezor and Zethrid went for Pidge -he’s consistently been shown to be very protective and self-sacrificing, yet here he barely bats an eye. I get it was a scene framed to lift Lance, but it felt extremely ooc for Shiro to not at least try to help. *Ezor and Zethrid’s relationship being honestly way more explicitly stated than Shiro and Adam’s (which was the relationship hailed as the big lgbtq+ rep for this season). No, they definitely didn’t need to get back together for Shiro to still be considered lgbtq+ rep -you don’t need a partner to be lgbtq+! But when you wave a specific relationship around as a big banner of glorious lgbtq+ rep to come and then barely even hint at it in the show... well... not so much of a rep then, is it? *Not showing Shiro in that worldwide message of ‘these are our beloved brave heroes from Earth’. Like, this boy was kidnapped by aliens, spent a year being tortured, brainwashed, cloned, dismembered, pretty much violated in every concievable way, then immediately after escaping (with a shitload of PTSD in the baggage) he was sent back out into space and chosen to lead some war against seemingly impossible odds, a war that really wasn’t his war to fight, a war he still fought bravely and selflessly despite his physical and mental issues, a war he died in, but meh I guess he wasn’t worthy of mention. (And I don’t know why Keef wasn’t mentioned either, but maybe being half Galra makes you too much alien to be considered part of the world you were born and grew up in *heavy sarcasm*). *Shiro’s bond with the Black Lion and his role as the Black Paladin being pretty much erased/retconned -it’s like Keef gets to sit his ass comfortably down in the seat Shiro shed blood sweat and tears for and struggled so hard for, easily just gliding along on what Shiro has paved the road for but without acknowledging the huge role Shiro had in it all. Shiro was the one who brought out the wings for Keef in the end of the last season because Keef was unable to do it himself, because Keef had never bonded with her the way Shiro did -Shiro and the Black Lion found and saved each other in so many ways, and the Black Lion loved Shiro so much she saved his ‘essence’ inside herself, yet now we’re supposed to just accept that Shiro is old news and no longer worthy of being considered part of the ‘mighty Paladins of Voltron’. Myeah, did not like the feeling I got of this saturating this entire season. Keef can still be a big hero -or even your new main character- without grinding Shiro down into the dirt on the way. *That arm... it’s so big and clumsy-looking it makes him look weirdly lopsided. The comically large arm works for Sendak, considering his ‘evil sadist who loves crushing people with his alien prosthetic’ shtick, but for Shiro it just looks too big to be practical. If it was intentionally meant to imply that Allura just grabbed a prosthetic modelled after someone bigger than Shiro and remade it, and that’s why it’s so big on Shiro, that’s fine. But it feels impractical for anything other than fighting evil alien generals. *Shiro not getting to fulfil his arc as the abused victim and underdog by overcoming and defeating the evils pushing him down, but instead being forced to take the backset to a character forced into a leadership role for what seems like nothing more than a desperate clinging to nostalgia. It is mindboggling that everything Shiro has worked so incredibly hard for, everything he’s struggled and fought for is being taken from him and he’s supposed to be satisfied with a consolation prize. Yeah, Shiro going full Magical Girl Princess was amazing but he didn’t even get to deliver the final blow in any fight -not even his personal fight with Sendak- because apparently Shiro is not allowed any victories at all. *The whole sense of Shiro being punished for choosing his life’s dream over becoming the obedient house wife of his ex -he had only a short few years left to fulfil his dreams, and yet he’s painted as the bad guy for ‘abandoning’ his boyfriend (who was the one that left Shiro, actually). Yes, Adam had the right to choose to not want to separate for so long -during what was likely the last few years Shiro had enough mobility to do all the fun things couples dream of doing together- he had the right to say ‘I’m sorry but I can’t put my life on hold, and I wasn’t really prepared to go straight to caring for someone with a debilitating disease without a few more years of fun in between, I want to break up’. That still doesn’t make Shiro’s choice to follow his dreams any less valid than Adam’s choice to not wait for him. I bet Adam had an exciting bucket list waiting to start ticking off as a consolation when Shiro was denied the role of pilot for the Kerberos mission -I doubt he’d expected Shiro to actually be allowed to go and that probably seriously stumped him- but it’s incredibly cruel and selfish (and ableist) to expect a person to sacrifice their last few years of being able to fulfil their dreams just so their able-bodied partner can fulfil their small dreams and wishes of things they want to do for the last few of that person’s fully mobile years. And yet everything about Shiro’s arc paints a very very grim and ableist story of ‘you chose your own dreams over bending to your partner’s will, now let us show you what a horrible decision that was by torturing you relentlessly throughout the rest of this series without ever letting up. You will never be allowed happiness again because this is your punishment.’ I agree with other people that the way Shiro’s been treated throughout this series -constantly tormented without ever getting a single break or getting a real chance to fight and overcome his demons- seems way too much like torture porn. *The feeling that Shiro’s Magical Girl Moment was only there to blind us to the fact that him being probably the only one able to transform the Atlas means he’ll be conveniently grounded next season, forced to stay on Earth to ‘protect his home’ while the rest of them get to go off being the ‘amazing Defenders of the Universe’, leaving both Shiro and his legacy behind, unsung. I hope I’m wrong, but I get an overwhelming feeling that Shiro is being pushed into the background because they never intended for him to be the hero of the series but by the time they realised that’s exactly what they’d created with him it was too late to take it back, so now they’re trying their hardest to push him back into some mentor/backseat role in a sneaky enough way that they hope people won’t notice because they’ll be dazzled by the shine of his ‘new role’. ... Things that made me happy/excited/pleased: *The animation level. I mean holy mamacita Shiro is so beautiful he glows in like every single frame. *HUNK. Love this big gentle boy and love that he got to show more of who he is and what he has to give this season. *Seeing the families we’ve heard so much of. Seeing them reunited. Seeing flashbacks to happier times with the families. *Pidge finally getting her entire family back together. *The designs of all the alien/Earth tech. Gorgeous. *The design of some of the new characters <3 *So many new Galra characters with faces and personalities even if we only saw them for a few seconds. *All the ‘Earth preparing for alien invasion’ scenes/episodes. *Finally getting to know more about Iverson and who he is as a person. *Sam and Colleen. *Shiro being the new Princess of the new Castle ship. *Shiro fucking transcending being the Princess and transforming the entire Castle ship Atlas into a new Voltron type battle robot. *The Atlas being this beefy paladin type knight on top but t h i c c femme legs on tippy toes/high heels on the bottom. 10/10 what a beauty. *White Lion Shiro... I mean, I’m certainly not the only one thinking it, right? *Just Shiro. Wow. What a strong, beautiful, good person who cares about everybody else above himself. Someone give this poor traumatised boy hero a fucking vacation with the softest bed surrounded by therapy animals. Perfect cinnamonroll too pure for this world. *Shiro fighting Sendak hand-to-hand on top of a fucking space ship free-falling (read: CRASHING) to Earth instead of trying to escape I mean this boy *Keef fucking anime-slicing Sendak in twaine for daring to try to hurt the person he loves like a brother (bloodless and nice for the young’uns of course, but still). *Hunk carrying Shiro. *@ anyone claiming Lance ‘never gets screentime or development’ -fuck you. Look at this brave, strong boy who started out as a self-centered antagonistic jerk yet has grown into such a good and mature person. I may loathe the Lance I see portrayed in the fandom, but in the show he’s still such a good character. *Coran, Coran, the gorgeous man <3 *The mice and Kosmo the space wolf for MVP *Kaltenecker, most chill character in the entire universe. *Shiro’s prosthetic not being attached -at first I was like ‘noooo’, but then I realised... fuck yeah this is exactly what people in fandom need to stop erasing disabled characters. It is way too common for people in fandoms to claim that a person having any kind of high-tech or magical prosthetic that makes their disability less visible (For example Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist) isn’t actually disabled at all ‘because it’s like they have normal limbs’. Having a prosthetic arm that has a big void between itself and the shoulder attachment makes it impossible to ignore the fact that Shiro is missing a whole arm. (And maybe, just maybe, people will finally stop with the shitty ‘he’s got a full sleeve of tattoos instead of a missing arm in this AU fanfic because erasing disabilities is super cool’ trope.) *The entire Shiro/Atlas transformation scene -ugh so beautiful <3 ... Phew, that got long! (=A=;;) I’ve probably forgotten a lot of things -but it’s been a few days since I watched it so it isn’t as fresh in my mind as I’d have liked, however I don’t have the time to rewatch it right now to refresh my memory so it’ll have to do. These are just my personal thoughts -things I found negative might be things someone else found positive, and things I found positive might be things someone else found negative. This isn’t meant to be a debate or attack -just a way for me to put my thoughts down and remember them for the future. And one last thing -please remember to be kind to each other -and don’t go attacking cast or crew -most of them have no real say in what happens on the show anyway, and harrassing and threatening castmembers to the point where they’re scared to even show up at cons is not the way to make the higher-ups listen to your complaints -however legitimate they might be. Now I guess we’ll just have to brace ourselves for season 8...

10 Things To Be Grateful For As A Working Mom

Just like every mom, I believe my kiddos are the best in the world.

But as much as I love my little yet rapidly growing bundles of joy, spending every minute of every day with the young ‘uns leaves me ready for a padded room and a funky jacket that buttons up the back.

Blessedly, I’ve managed to avoid losing my mind by escaping to my office for a few hours every weekday.

While I have the utmost respect for stay-at-home moms, I still cannot comprehend how they manage.

To those without kids at home, considering heading to work as a reprieve sounds crazy, but trust me, hearing my four-year-old’s rendition of “Let It Go” from Disney’s Frozen for the 4,500th time makes me miss the office elevator music.

I’m grateful to be a working mom, and here’s why.

A Little Peace and Quiet

As I have two little ones often dashing around the house like a herd of elephants while screaming their tiny lungs out, silence, to me, truly is golden.

I love getting into my car and tuning into my favorite Sirius station without tired tykes in the back whining, “Are we there yet?”

My commute gives me time to think as well as time to rest my poor overburdened ears.

Even the occasional traffic jam fails to rattle my feathers when I’m wrapped up in my own inner, peaceful world.

Want to shop for Insulated Bottle Holder For Diaper Bag ? Visit Lennylemons.com

Getting Gussied Up

If it weren’t for the need to look professional or at least presentable in the workplace, I’d live in comfy pants and probably end up with dreadlocks from not bothering to brush my hair.

Getting dressed up for work reminds me that I wasn’t born just to pick up spilled Cheerios from the rug.

Some days, I even put on makeup!

Adult Conversation

At the risk of sounding like a grumpy old lady, baby talk grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard.

It’s incredibly refreshing to actually engage in conversation that doesn’t include the phrases stinky-pinky or poopie-butt.

Heading to the office reminds me that my vocabulary extends beyond the second-grade level.

Fewer Invasions of Privacy

Having kids means never being alone, even when I’m taking a shower.

When I’m at home, I get zero privacy even in the bedroom and bathroom.

At least at the office, I can grab a cup of coffee without one or both of my mini-me's whining for a snack.

Trying New Lunch Spots

Like most kids, my duo’s taste buds mirror those of the current president — if it’s not Mickey D’s, it must be yucky.

Even heading back to work on a part-time basis allows me to try things like that hot new sushi place without the little ‘uns starting a rice-throwing contest.

If I tried to introduce my two to Asian fusion, they’d resent me for at least two weeks, but dining at my desk allows me to take out whatever I want from wherever I want, no food fights necessary.

Out-of-Town Trips

Once upon a time, I complained about long security lines and the overall hassle of business travel, but now my company’s biannual team meetings offer me the closest thing to a vacation I’m likely to get until my kids turn 18.

I now relish the aroma of clean sheets and the shampoo hotels provide in tiny bottles.

Plus when the workday ends, I’m free to explore a new city without anyone (except maybe myself) growing tired and cranky.

Do you want to shop for Cailyn dress? Visit Lennylemons.com

The Ability to Focus

I have no idea how just two kids can break the sound barrier, but suffice it to say, my home environment doesn’t exactly lend itself to time for introspection.

With a million distractions from spilled apple juice to a missing favorite toy, concentrating on anything requires a Herculean effort.

At work, I’m able to get my deep work groove on without interruption.

Honey, I’m Home

Of course, I do miss my tykes when I’m away from them for a bit.

Returning home at the conclusion of the workday means getting greeted with kiddie kisses and hugs.

A bit of absence definitely makes my heart grow fonder, or at least more patient, when it comes to dealing with my children.

Not Feeling Pressured to Be Martha Stewart

Had I chosen to stay home full time to raise the kids, my husband would have supported my decision, but as a rather Type A personality, staying at home would have pressured me into acting like a Stepford wife, organizing my home with robot-like precision and whipping up family dinners right out of Leave It To Beaver.

But since my spouse and I both work, we likewise share in the house cleaning and child-rearing responsibilities.

Getting out of the house forces me to abandon my quest for spotlessness, and I’m much more able to cope with the inevitable crayon scribbles on walls and cookie crumbs trapped between couch cushions.

Finding My Zen

Finally, returning to work on a part-time basis helps me remember who I truly am inside.

It reminds me that while being a good mom is important, pursuing my own personal development matters, too.

I feel I’m getting better at striking the right balance between my work and home lives, and for that, I am very grateful indeed.

Whether or not to return to work after having kids remains a personal decision every mom must make on her own.

Both staying home and returning to the office have their benefits and drawbacks.

For me, I’m very grateful that I can both raise my babies and enjoy a meaningful career as well.

PS: If you're looking for support in motherhood, laugh til you pee, cry, and find your tribe at The Best Mom Life

anon hate; what to do and how to protect yourself

i hate that this is even a thing that needs to be posted but i’ve been seeing an influx of it around that makes me sad. i’ve been on tumblr awhile, and i’ve learned some things over the years that i wish i knew when i got my first grey-faced asshole in my inbox. i have been harassed over multiple blogs by an anon and i know what it feels like. i figured i’d pass along the tips i’ve learned/been shared with over the years.

do not feed the beast! do not respond! do not engage!

i know, when you see something so yucky in your inbox, you want to express your disinterest, your upset with others and let this anon know exactly how you feel. but quite frankly, that’s exactly what the person wants. they want to see that you’re listening to them, at least enough to take the time to respond to them. they want to see they’ve upset you. they want a platform. even if you want to respond with a funny gif to get in the last word, this often eggs the abuser on, and causes them to send more.

your best course of action? do not respond. i’m serious. don’t do it. if they persist, turn anon off for a little while. unless its an anon that genuinely amuses you and you feel like sharing it with your dash for a good laugh, they don’t deserve your time or effort.  

now this brings me right into my next point;

block the anon.

there is an option to so do when you go to respond (don’t do that! if you respond this option goes away!) when you do this, it immediately blocks that ip address rather than the blog of said person and that should make it so that person can’t send you messages again, unless they use a proxy server, or they’re on another address/blog. or, i think? it makes you not able to SEE their messages in your inbox.

here’s more information about how the blocking function works/what it does. it says, and i quote, “Note that if you got an anonymous ask, it isn’t associated with any particular account, which means you can’t really block the person that sent it. You can, however, permanently block the IP address the ask came from. Any further anonymous asks sent from that address will never see the inside of your ask box.”

get an ip tracker!

if, for some reason, the anons persist, even with you applying the first two steps, my next suggestion is to download a statcounter. it’s not very hard to do, and they take up very little space on your blog. just go to statcounter.com and create an account with your tumblr url and pop the little code into your blog coding. it shows you who is visiting your blog, when, and how often. this will help you feel more in control, at least enough to know who is floating around at certain times. you can even find their ip address, and can use this to further block the user with outside help. (not...super sure on this but i know it’s possible to block entire ip’s somehow...someone want to elaborate?) 

you can always report the ip to the tumblr staff as well (though from personal experience, i’ve found taking things into your own hands and applying these steps works better. still the option is there for you!)

remember it’s ok to be upset, but don’t you dare take it to heart.

the person is obviously scared, unwilling to say whatever mean-spirited thing they want to out of the shadows. the biggest reason? because its hateful, and wrong. they know they will be judged if someone knew who they were. that alone is a good thing to remember; this person is already expressing cowardice before they even open their mouth.

i know there’s no way someone being mean to you won’t bother you, even just a little bit, but someone who can’t bother to express themselves without being such an asshole doesn’t deserve a second of your thoughts. they really don’t. i’m not saying treat this like school bullies because we all know the ‘ignore them and they’ll go away’ thing doesn’t work very well, but these are legit steps you can take to make the influx of it stop. it’s not just ignoring, it’s taking action.

if you want to talk about it with your friends, please do. its ok to want reassurance from others, we all need it sometime. but again, i revert back to the first point; when you get everyone on your dash all in a huff about some ignorant asshole’s pov, it’s feeding into exactly what they want. people are paying attention to their shitty pov, they now have a platform, and they feel the need to send more, and more. and you don’t deserve that. 

don’t respond, block the anon, and let your bestie tell you how much they love you, because i bet you they sure as shit do. if you don’t talk to others easily? put on some chill music! take a nice walk! there are websites you can go to that lets you talk to people about anything if you’re feeling sad! there’s a whole lot you can do, don’t feel like you have no other outlet. i promise you have some!!

protect yourself, turn off anon when you need to, and never feel like you owe anyone a response to anything.

because you don’t. you deserve to be safe and happy. let them piss in the wind and be stupid, you ain’t got time for dat.

ps if you’ve ever been someone to send anon hate i hope all your bacon burns. i hope you never find a good parking spot. i hope your mother’s last words to you are, ‘i’m so disappointed in you.’ i hope you find a nickle but it’s not a nickle it’s currency for a country you’ll never travel to. i hope all the doughnuts ever left for you in the break room are the ones you don’t like. i hope your boss promotes the person you hate the most instead of you. i hope every sock you put on from now until the day you die is wet. 

badmood feels/general vent post. i wish readmore worked on mobile, sorry if i’m spamming your dash with all this wordy introspection, I’ve just been spending a lot of time alone and thinking too much.

when does this, fear go away? 

i’m doing okay, not as fast as i wanted but i’m not in danger, financially

but watching my savings trickle away has my brain screaming and screaming

i’m more productive than before but not where i need to be yet, but the imposter syndrome is strong and has me worried i need to get a “real job” before it’s too late

i wish i had like... a mentor. but i am afraid to try to pursue that kind of relationship with someone bc i am in a mental state right now that i think i’m too sensitive to criticism because i got toooo many fuckin plates spinning and they’re spinning kinda slow but the balance is critical

but the fear of failure is crushing and it’s slowing me down. maybe i should ask my doc to throw in something for anxiety when i go tell him to please give me a grown-up dose of adderall

i spent $100 on the lane bryant bra sale, got four excellent and sexy bras and it feels so good because let me tell u i am a 38H-40G and I NEVER have proper-fitting bras (I have maybe 1-2 “good” bras at any one time that i buy off the sales rack at LB and usually compromise on the band or cup size to get something “good enough,” and otherwise make do with walmart bras with too big bands/too small cups)

and like, i went to pick them up in the store today and my brain is just a cruel backbeat of “that was a frivolous purchase, what if you need that $100, return them before it’s too late”

i gained some weight back again and it just makes me feel so yucky. i know it’s because i’m not drinking enough water (that water retention’ll get ya) and i know i’m close to shark week (also probably to blame for this mood swing) but i hate stalling here bc i’m so close to breaking into the 230s and this progress means a lot to me. I think 224 is around what i was holding in my last 6 months or so with cirque. if i can break 214 i will be at my lowest weight since college. if i can make it to “onederland” i will be at my lowest weight since high school and probably literally cry.

i think i need to reevaluate what i’m eating. i need to boost my sodium, i think. a lot of resources on keto say you need to eat a ton of sodium in addition to supplementing other electrolytes bc your body is flushing out ketones thru urine, which is why you have to drink so much water, which is why you need to be super careful about electrolytes so they don’t get depleted in this way

but that’s a hard hurdle for me bc my dad has hypertension. my blood pressure’s always been excellent. to the point where nurses always comment on how excellent it is (though maybe it’s just because they expect it to be high bc i’m fat, and i think i have my dad’s history of hypertension in my medical info as well). i had a high bp scare at my last appointment, but they took it again and it was more than fine so i think it was just an error on their end. still it threw me in a panic and had me a little worried about supplementing sodium as i have been.

i need to eat more protein, you’re supposed to mostly eat fat on keto but i’m not coming close to hitting my protein macro goal so i’m worried it’s affecting my energy/mental clarity and might impede muscle gain as i start doing more strength training

i guess i’ll have steak and spinach tonight.

i need to stop eating quick and easy junk like cured meat and cheese and invest the time to make some healthful meals. that’s probably part of the reason my weight loss has slowed too, though i know after the initial “whoosh” of water weight you can’t really expect more than a couple pounds a week.

still, once the other girls are back in the house it’s going to be a lot harder to stay in keto because, while right now my “easy” snack options in the kitchen are summer sausage, cheese curds, and nuts, once my house is full of college girls again my pantry will be full of pretzels and cookies and kettle corn and my home will be full of friends eating pizza and chinese food and baking brownies and drinking hard cider (okay, hard cider is actually easy for me to say no to :P ) and I’ll have to actually try to stay committed

i miss having a full house by the way. i hope everyone’s having a great summer, and i’m glad i’ve had this personal time to sort myself out, but it will be nice to have them back. even their pesky pets :P