you're my number one, you're the one i want

wait right i did have another dream

DROP THE FIC OR IM COMING FOR YOUR KNEECAPS

ALRIGHT OK BUT I NEED IT TO BE KNOWN THAT I HAVENT WRITTEN ANYTHING SERIOUSLY SINCE HIGHSCHOOL OK

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“Something is after me. I know it is, I’ve seen it. It looks like a man, but I know that it’s not. It…. It’s face is like a mockery of something human- like- like if you asked someone who has never seen a human to draw or model a person’s face, their smile. No… I don’t think any human would be able to get it that wrong.”

“And I’m not crazy, alright? God, y’all probably get that a lot here, don’t you? You people specialize in crazy. Not that I’m anyone to judge anymore, given the shit I went through before coming out here. I didn’t even know a place like this existed outside the Usher Foundation. I just…there’s some weird, crazy shit out there I guess, and when I heard about y’all, I figured I should probably pay a visit. At least let someone know before I die.”

“I know I’m gonna die.”

“I suppose I should start from the beginning. My name is Joshua Nelson, I’m originally from the States–Memphis Tennessee. Now, if there’s one thing you should know about Memphis, it’s that nobody in their right mind should EVER move there on their own accord, ‘cause you’ll either get mugged or stalked or both. I was born and raised there, so I never really got the choice during the formative years of my life. I’ve learned to live with it, though.”

“I worked retail in a gas station before…well, everything. It was a shithole. The kind of building where, no matter how hard you scrubbed and no matter how much bleach you used, the stains and smell of smoke would never leave. Instead just…mingled with the citrus of the chemicals. It paid the bills, though, and I was never witness to a robbery, so I couldn’t complain too much. The customers were docile and if I noticed anyone shoplifting, I kept it to myself. I wasn’t getting paid enough to give a damn.”

“We had regulars that would come in on a schedule and regulars that wouldn’t. People who were just passing through the city or visiting family or friends. You get all types in that kinda place, and if you’re placid enough to any asshole who’s having a bad day, everyone gets along just fine. There were a couple of regulars who were friendly enough, though, that I remember their names. Miss Kelly was an older woman, short and heavyset–she was one of the friendlier ones. We’ve got a lot of talkers in the south and boy did she make sure I knew every exact reason for what her kids were getting up to, or what was going on in a reality show she was hooked on at the time.”

“George Michael, a thin man in his 40s, maybe, always came in whenever he needed a new pack of cigarettes, I think he was a chain-smoker, cause he was in there a lot.”

“And then…then there was Hunter. Now Hunter was a younger man, maybe college age. A little older than that? Poor bastard was hooked on something, that much anyone could tell. He was gaunt, a little twitchy, you know, telltale signs of drug abuse. I could never tell what specifically he was on, but then again, it was never my business to know. I treated him the same as every other customer, we all knew he wasn’t gonna cause any harm, he usually came in for food, chips and hotdogs and stuff and he never caused a fuss.”

“I think… I think Hunter is dead.”

“One day he came in, I think it was a Wednesday or something cause it was slow that afternoon, and he burst through the door. Well–maybe not burst, but he came in the building like he was racing to get indoors first before someone else. The guy was usually jittery and, I’ll admit, a little shifty usually, but this was full blown paranoia. It startled me at first, his intensity, and he made a b-line towards the back of the store and ducked behind one of the shelves. Maybe not duck completely like ducking for cover, but it was obvious he was hiding. It almost made me expect the police or some drug lord to come storming through the door, but nobody else came.”

“Hunter stayed pacing in the building for a good 20 or 30 minutes, periodically lifting his head to crane his neck and peer out the window or the glass of the door. I checked once or twice as well, but if someone was out there, I didn’t see them. Eventually the guy calmed down enough to buy something and when he approached the counter with his bag of Doritos he looked almost like he was going to be sick.”

“I asked him if everything was alright, but he just shook his head and left.”

“I didn’t see him again for another week or two after that. Obviously I assumed the worst. I theorized that someone was after him and when he didn’t show up when he usually did it was more than enough to confirm my suspicions. Be it cops or some random person on the street, I couldn’t decide which fate would be worse, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel for the guy at least a little bit.”

“Hunter was almost completely out of my mind when I saw him again. I was surprised. By all accounts, it didn’t look like anything had changed about him. Maybe aside from the fact that his posture was way better than it usually was when I saw him, but other than that, nothing was out of the ordinary.”

“Business went on as usual and when he came up to the till with a liter of coke, I offered him a ‘Welcome Back’ and rang him up.”

“When I turned back to him, he was smiling. For some reason it was like a pit opened in the bottom of my stomach. I couldn’t understand why, though. It looked like Hunter–patchy, unkempt stubble, greasy hair, thin face, sunken eyes. His appearance had never bothered me before, so I was struck with confusion that mixed in with the undefinable, sudden sense of dread.”

“‘Thank you,’ he said as I handed him his change. And he walked out the door. It sounded like Hunter, too.”

“Hunter returned the next day, and the next. Each time he was polite and quiet, and each time he smiled when I rang him up. I counted his teeth. They were straight and flat. When I counted mine in the mirror when I smiled, I saw 17 or 18. Hunter’s counted 24.”

“Maybe he has a dental problem that I didn’t notice until now, I told myself. Human bodies are weird. Sometimes you have more teeth than usual.”

“The fourth day he came in a row, I saw his eyes and his pupils were…swollen, is the only way I can describe them. I know what people’s eyes look like when they’re high. This was not that. It was like they almost swallowed up his irises completely, and they were dull. Dull in the sense that the fluorescents overhead did nothing to cast any reflections onto them. It made me want to writhe and squirm whenever he looked at me.”

“I called in sick the fifth day. I knew Hunter would be back in that gas station to see me. I knew it was to see me. And I knew that thing. That..whatever it was. It wasn’t Hunter.”

“I guess a part of me was always dreading that day. I had always heard stories about people being stalked from friends of friends. It was only a matter of time before it happened to me, right?”

“I saw Hunter at the grocery store the next day, posture straight and face split open into that smile with too many teeth. I didn’t have the mind to be polite. I turned completely around and walked the other way, trying to fool myself thinking that he hadn’t seen me. I kept a pocket knife on me after that encounter. I probably should have been before, but hindsight is always 20/20.”

“Each time I saw him after that, it was worse. On the street to my apartment, his eyes were too wide and his grinning mouth was slightly agape. A crude facsimile of delight as I rushed past him. I stopped going into work when I started to spot him everywhere I went. Every destination no matter how far or random, he was there, grinning at me. He knew where I lived, that I had no doubt. So I went to a friend’s one night hoping to throw him off. Maybe I could move out and lose him. Lord knows I didn’t have the money to break my lease early, but I was desperate.”

“My friend suggested I call the police, but for some reason I was convinced that wouldn’t help. Cops usually only made things worse in that town, and I had a sinking feeling going that route would only waste my time.”

“The final straw was the second night I was crashing on my friend’s couch. I was exhausted, the past few weeks spent sleepless and paranoid and I was ready to finally pass out when I heard a light, rhythmic tapping on the window behind my head.”

“It’s just the wind, I thought to myself. A tree branch or something scraping against the glass. The exhaustion was completely gone, my pounding heart and pumping adrenaline overpowering any lame excuse that I would be stupid enough to be reassured by.”

“I didn’t move from where I lay. Tap. Tap. Tap. Came through the window once again.”

“I don’t know why I laid there for so long, unmoving, convinced that if I didn’t turn around, whatever it was outside would lose interest and leave. I really, really wanted it to leave.”

“I lay still for what felt like hours, every muscle in my body wound up and tense and ready to leap into action at any given opportunity. I was praying the opportunity would never come.”

“I don’t know how long it was when the tapping ceased, but it was long before I finally managed to relax. It seemed like my strategy worked. What an idiotic thing to think. Like I was a child hiding from an imaginary monster in the dark. Like the logic of not giving a stalker any attention so it would go away was sound. No. I think it was that false hope that landed me in this situation.”

“Because when that tapping came again, I wasn’t prepared to turn around. But I did. I turned around and what I saw in the darkness through that glass was… I don’t know what it was. I know it had eyes and teeth. It was grinning, but its teeth stretched well beyond what would be the borders of its face. God, I couldn’t see its face. I knew it was Hunter, though. It had those same lightless eyes that stared back at me every time I closed my own. Dead and dark and dull and staring at me–eating at me, wide and gleeful and spilling into the shadow that I could only assume was a part of the creature, itself. Its form took up nearly the entirety of the window, blocking the outside world. It didn’t move.”

“I screamed. I screamed and closed the curtains and I hid. This woke my friend of course, and she came stumbling out of her room, looking bleary but alert. I tried to signal to her not to go to the window or do anything or to call the police. Thankfully she got the message and the cops were there within the hour.”

“They didn’t find anything. Or anyone, for that matter. I left out the…the monster bit, because I assumed it might land me somewhere I really didn’t want to go.”

“They were about as helpful as I thought they would be. Told me to call them again if I noticed any suspicious activity.”

“I booked my flight here that very night. I wasn’t going to stay in that goddamn city with whatever the HELL that thing was. I don’t want to end up like Hunter. I don’t want it to wear my skin.”

“It will, though. I know it will and it scares me more than anything in the world. And I know I can’t escape it, either.”

“It followed me here. I saw it. It was still grinning at me and it was still. Wearing. Hunter’s. Skin. The shadow that was cast over it made it so I could only see the whites of it’s eyes....its teeth.”

“I don’t want to die.”

MY FAVOURITE PLACEMENTS FOR EACH SIGN (with explanation of course 😚😚)

remember, don’t take this too seriously cause this whole thing is fully based on my own personal opinion so im sorry if I didn’t mention your placement(s). don’t be offended okay?! MUAH I love all of yall 💋

Aries: I’d probably say 50% venus 25% moon 15% sun — honestly this is kinda hard for me cause my best best friend is an Aries moon and I get along very well with Aries moons however… this one girl that I broke off all contacts with cause she was obsessive ( she still hasn’t stop💔💔 even though we stopped talking for 2 years, super creepy) 50% venus because omg literally almost every single lovely person I know has that placement it’s mad. maybe it’s bc my venus conjuncts theirs (I’m also an aries venus) they express love in a way I adore so 💕💕 for aries sun, 25% because I’m only close with one aries sun but she’s literally so fly I love. but she says some weird stuff occasionally though she’s too unfiltered HAHAHA love that.

Taurus: definitely taurus moon 50% and taurus mercury 50% — taurus moons are literally the cutest people ever. idk why but all of y’all are like little hamsters in my eyes. taurus moons remind me so much of hamsters. many of you are probably leaders and I love being around you guys. super sweet and always there when I need y’all muah muah. people always stereotype you guys as lazy people but every single taurus moon I know are the most hardworking people ever. super admirable individuals 😚😚 those who have natal taurus mercury people are the funniest. y’all are like LOWKEY old souls. very good people to be in a group project with cause they always voice out the best opinions and ideas. they are also really relatable individuals they say things that many people would like relate to idk how to describe it, meme worthy i guess?? I love y’all so much. sometimes they ignore people when they say stupid stuff but whatever they’re literally one of the best people so they get a free pass.🤫🤫

Gemini: mmmm I’d say 50% gemini suns and 50% gemini risings. honestly, I haven’t met many gemini placements 😭 my sister is a gemini rising so i might be a little biased HAHAH sorry my bad my bad. i love gemini risings they always give me one of the best first impressions. i tend to get along really well with gemini risings and tend to gravitate towards them hehe. also for gemini suns, most are pretty cool. i realise that gemini suns tend to be really nice and grounded when you meet them but when you get closer to them they’re little devils IN A GOOD WAY hahah. all my interactions and memories with gemini suns are actually really good. they always promise a good time 🙏🙏

Cancer: CANCER VENUS🔥🔥 for sure cancer venus. omg i love them. they give really good hugs LOL. super sweet individuals. i love the way they express their love it’s so cute especially when you’re the recipient of the love literally so 😍😍. one of my friends have this placement and oml she gives such meaningful gifts. she is the reason why I have high expectations for gifts LOL. i really hope i get to befriend more cancer venuses 💔💔 they’re really thoughtful people who take initiative very very lovely 🫶

Leo: leo moons 🙏🙏 y’all are so chill. literally are the 😐 people ITS SO FUNNY . I love y’all so much I always have ‘beef’ with leo moons lol literally tom and jerry but it’s so fun. bickering (affectionately) I know I lot who don’t study but r really smart or at least all of y’all tell me you don’t study😐😐 I know a lot of you guys who r dancers too and omg really pro dancers srs srs. super fun people but they lowkey about it.

Virgo: definitely virgo sun + virgo venus I have so many virgo sun babes (aka friends) they’re so so sweet. im always having a fun carefree time when im with you guys. never a dull moment. you guys are like my babies srs srs you guys just gave me that youthful feel and it’s so refreshing omg🫂🫂. virgo venus people are so funny idek why they’re so underrated. they’re also very big mouth literally tell them something humiliating that happen to you and if it doesn’t sound like you’re very bothered by it trust people around you probably also know about it BUT it’s okay cause they cute, I can never get mad at them. also very playful people. 💋💋 i love talking to them but at the end of the convo omg we are like probably fighting / arguing (affectionately) LOL i don’t get many gifts from them honestly but they LOVE to give food. hehe 💋💋 to my virgo venus sweethearts

Libra: libra suns + libra moons so 50 - 50 hehe libra suns are really helpful people. they’re like honestly very libra idk why. they’re so so sweet, always there to listen to you ramble. my mama is a libra sun and omg she’s always listening to me ramble and rant ITS SO FUNNY. sometimes you guys are too nice to people that they tend to take advantage of your kindness so always be on the look out and know your worth 😚😚 . libra moons ARE SO FUNNY. i love you guys, y’all always make me lose my breath over your jokes. super random people who talk about out of pocket things but it’s so unique and fun with you guys that I can’t help but laugh everytime i see yalls face. also pretty smart people. you guys always do your best in things that you’re passionate about and it’s really admirable however, when y’all dgaf about stuff man all that quality work is gone LOL but it’s okay me too. best people to have around y’all remind me of those circus seals. 🔥🔥firee

Scorpio: scorpio venus — I really love scorpio venus individuals omg. they’re always there for you and always ready to attend all your big moments without fail. I had this one friend who has a scorpio venus and she take time out of her own busy schedule to train me for my interview and we stayed at the place until like the sunset it was so wholesome. not only did she do that but she was with me when I got my interview results like I was so shocked I thought she stayed cause she also had something to do afterwards but turns out she had nothing to do and she planned to wait for me and leave right after omg i literally melted. I treasure her so much and because of that I’ve always had a good impression of her. super sweet individuals. little cinnamon buns, warm and sweet. they also really are big on physical touch cliché I know but it’s real HAHA. everyone should have a scorpio venus friend or significant other 😭😭💋💋

Sagittarius: sagittarius moons — out of all my close friends in my click, half are sagittarius moons, it’s literally mad. they’re such unique individuals all of them have different personalities even though they have the same moon. but one thing they all have in common is that they find the weirdest stupidest unfunniest jokes funny. it’s mad. I can pull out a photo of a cat on the ground holding a fish and they’d be cracking up like mad. they all really enjoy being around positive and responsible people, people who are like them. they always burst out laughing idk y they try to hold their laugh but they never laugh normally. I love them though it’s always so comfortable around them MUAHHH💋💋

Capricorn: capricorn moons + capricorn mercury 50-50 — omg my baby capricorn moons, they’re so athletic, or maybe it’s just the capricorn moons I know but omg they’re so competitive when it comes to sport. they’re actually really reliable people even though they may seem quite playful and reckless. they tend to be good at math. love food. they also like to make handmade things for their friends and it’s really random. sometimes I come out of class one day and they just ask me if I want a cookie. LOL and one of my friends gave me a piece of paper that she doodled and drew on FOR ME it’s so cute and random but makes me physically like become the 🥺 emoji. love u guys. for capricorn mercuries y’all have the most underrated humour YALL ARE SO FUNNY LOL. you guys make the funniest jokes with the straightest faces like this face, 😐. MAKES ITS EVEN FUNNIER LOL. y’all tend to text a lot and are quite talkative actually. love you guys cause you guys never hesitate to make the conversation about the other party rather than yourself LOL JOKING ( but FR though you guys make me feel like the main character whenever I’m talking to u ) 🫂🫂

Aquarius: mmm i haven’t really befriended many who have aquarius placements so this may not be relatable😭😭 sorry!! but I’ll have to go with aquarius moons. — I tend to get attracted to aquarius moons cause they seem really fun. idk why but they all seem like a ball of sun to me. they remind me of fluffy cows HAHAH. they’re really cool individuals and they’re really kind. super sweet people who are always willing to help you and take initiative LOVE THEM💕💕. wish I get to know more aquarius moons, they’re just so loveable and reliable. 🫶🫶😚

Pisces: pisces moons 50% + pisces risings 25% + pisces mercury 25%💕💕💕 — OMG pisces moons BRUU literally my babes. I love them so much. they’re always there to help. they’re really responsible people even though they like to have fun. best people to have for group projects. they’re also really good at putting themselves in other peoples shoes hence making them very good at comforting others. very good friends that would do anything for you. they tend to radiate the same energy you give them so always give your best to them for you to receive the best💪💪 for pisces risings, I just really like they’re features. they all give like a reserved energy and many people would think that they’re really high achievers and admirable people with a cute face HEHE. they’re really sweet and awkward at first but once you get to know them omg it’s a huge difference they’re little devils LOLOLOL (in a good way🤫🤫) I tend to have many pisces rising friends maybe cause their rising is in my seventh house but 😚😚 whatever. they’re little choco pies, random ik but it just fits their whole persona . pisces mercuries are really chill people who like to talk. I love them so much cause like tend to relate to one another a lot and i just love to talk to them because they’re so easy to talk to. just pull out a random topic and they would prob be able to talk about it, very versatile speakers. also, they don’t really share their opinions at times. like sometimes i want to eat something with them but their whole face writes “no that looks disgusting” so I ask them if they’re sure that they’re fine with the restaurant and they say that they’re fine but they’re not really fine LOLOLOL they’re so cute HAHAH love them. they always put others before themselves.

made by: @iireneleee

i need to be so real rn

so yall know how i’m like a child of loki, how i work w him, and whatever? yeah. it’s fun and all, btw. coolest dad and honestly, one of the coolest deities i’ve ever interacted with. he’s very caring and funny, and pretty great when i have mental breakdowns or i’m just struggling - although pretty unserious.

so i’m giggling my ass off because like… it’s so weird how my soul is like…okay… slight warning for like ‘incest’ i suppose? read at your own risk

i’ve had like a slight crush on loki since a few months after he reached out to me. it was weird to me, because i had watched most - if not all - the marvel movies at this point and he never caught my eye in that way. i even watched the loki series and i found more interest in sylvie than him.

months later, my friend gave me a reading ‘cause i oddly got interested in deities n stuff and loki stood out to me. they told me that he was 100% reaching out. i often received signs from him (like even two days ago, i saw a fox running across the street that looked dead at me.)

anyways, through the time of working with him, i developed kind of a crush? like, interact with quite a few deities and spirits, but he’s been the most prominent ever since. he sends me stupid quotes, obviously, jokingly flirts, but then for some reason it kinda felt.. real?

i’m just realizing this doesn’t really make sense but whatever i’m gonna keep rambling

then, ultimately, i decided that in one of my much drs, im going to be dating him. he constantly bullies me for it, but he’s said “but i get it, im quite the attractive god.” he’s horrible, i can’t.

either way, whenever i talk to him or interact with him, it’s obviously more flirting and romantic (?) than it used to be.

loki is quite the interesting character, and now i can’t even watch the fucking loki ads without drooling at my screen. it’s weird. but fun.

anyways, my advice, don’t get romantically involved with a god as fucking goofy as loki. <3

Guess what-

The day Amane's verdict was secured. I was, taken out to eat, got a free giant slice of chocolate cake, and bought a bunch of new clothes and two pairs of shoes. Including boots not exactly like John's in Double but close enough damn it.

Plus, and most importantly, I can listen to Double and vote Mikoto Innocent without feeling immense shame or like I'm being drowned in hypocrisy doing so now. It's been so nice.

It is super fucking weird all that first stuff happened on the day her verdict was set. However, im not going to think about it like a sign of good things to come or anything. I do believe in the Amane that said she can only become a better girl. The one who asked for us to forgive and laugh alongside her in Magic. The one who wanted her mistakes recognized but pardoned. Yet that ship kind of sailed the moment we denied those wishes trial one.

Through that denial, Amane felt she had no choice but to fall more into her religious teachings in order to get the validation she was denied. To get the leniency and mercy that was withheld from her while being given to those around her. In a way restarting and perpetuating the cycle that got her into Milgram all over again. There are many characters who want to repeat there actions in Milgram many have come out and said so.

Yet some like Amane want to live past their actions while still holding favor towards the things that managed to keep them safe when no one else could. It's incredibly tragic that Milgram isn't about rehabilation and that whatever option we choose will definitely make the prisoners worse people. Yet, there's a good lesson in that. One that many need to learn.

That regardless of how you judge someone that person will not change unless they want to. For one reason or another every prisoner here does not want to. In that sort of situation the only thing a person can do is wish for the other party's happiness and move on. It's not bad to Wan someone you know can do wrong or gas done wrong to be happy but every person has a line that will cause them to say, "I don't want you to ve happy. I hope you never have a good day again. You don't deserve it."

I want everyone to have good days usually, but I'm only a person. Of course, if someone does something, I abhor, I'll say so. I'll get mad, and I'll judge them harshly. Saying things like it's not my business or I won't be bothered and looking away won't change the wrong I've witnessed. So if it's happening in front of me it's only right to say something and if I wish for the to stop its only natural to look away.

It's those interesting tiny parts of human nature that Milgram tests that make it so incredibly interesting and worthwhile. Though, it can be incredibly painful and annoying at times as well. Yet, that's literally every aspect of life and art that can manage to encapsulate that feeling that only living can give. Well, it's really something special.

Hi Amy! I just found your blog and really wanted to talk to you if you've got time but I got nervous so here's an anon. So I'm in my very early twenties and in the last few years have been really interested and taken by the idea of d/s dynamics. I don't have a boyfriend and am not really comfortable signing up to any sites so that's not really the issue. But as I'm going on dates and stuff I do find myself looking for that character that would resemble a dominant guy. I didn't realize it but I am attracted to that energy. What I'm concerned about though is the reason...for that attraction. So I'm in drama school but we can't really afford it so I have 2 part time jobs rn. One is this modeling agency that sometimes gets me by. It doest do much in my country but once a month a few hundred if im lucky, do come in handy. The issue is that the people I'm around and the environment is very toxic. Not just in a photoshoot but mainly. I've had to shut my mouth and smile and "submit" to guys just to remain part of the project. I don't feel comfortable doing more provocative stuff so that's been an issue and my manager keeps pressuring me about it at every opportunity. The relationship w him is weird he's a nice guy in general but sometimes he's too pushy. I also had a bf in the past (the only one) we were together briefly but he ordered me around a lot, and we never talked ab any of this but he was very strict with what I wore ect. What I'm trying to say is, I've had very traumatic experiences w all these people and am really worried whether the dynamic between us pushed me to want it? Like if my desires are somehow influenced by my trauma? Have you had similar concerns? How did you realize this is what you wanted and that it is not a response to something? I hope you're comfortable answering, but if not thank you for what you're doing your page has been really informative and I've learnt a lot xxxxx

Hi there!

I would be happy for you to message me if you decide you feel comfortable at any point, but anons are okay too! It's a big part of why I leave them on, for people who feel comfortable sending asks but not asking questions or whatever on DM. :)

This worry you're sharing about wondering if your desire to be a sub or be submissive comes from your trauma is something that I think a ton of subs have considered or worried about at some point. You'll definitely get a different answer to these questions if you ask other people. In my view, this is one of those areas where the 'right' answer can vary from person to person. So, this is just my take of course.

I am trying to avoid writing an extremely long post, so if you want or need me to elaborate feel free to follow up. But in a nutshell...I think most people have "little t trauma" from childhood that caused them to adapt to try to find connection and feel safe (physically or emotionally) and loved from a SUPER young age, to the point where it's challenging to know what it even would mean for a lot of us to say X is me, but Y is my trauma. Like 50% of the population has an insecure attachment style, and that primarily develops in the first year of our lives. So then we're still babies but we're already trying to change our own behavior to feel connected to our mother or our primary care giver. When that's the case...I think it's really, really tough to know who or what you would have been without the trauma as it's baked into your personality and coping methods SO early that we can't remember anything else. And so...I guess my goal has been to try to do a combination of accepting myself while also looking as honestly as I can at who/how I am now and look to change anything that I want to change or think needs improved. And with that in mind...I couldn't begin to tell you if I'd be a sub sexually or personality wise if I didn't have trauma. I just think that's an impossible question to try to figure out. Instead, I try to look at whether what I crave is healthy. If what I want to do is healthy for me, then it's okay if it IS based in trauma. I mean, plenty of things can be caused by trauma but still be really good things. For example, I feel pretty confident that the reason I seek healthy, safe feeling communication with my partner is because I grew up with lots of yelling and conflict and meanness. But I think that desire to have healthy, loving, safe communication is a good thing so I don't feel the need to reject that desire I have, as it's good, regardless of the cause being 'negative' or sad. I've come to the conclusion that D/s and BDSM can be healthy things for me. That isn't to say that I think I could do anything I wanted and call it D/s or BDSM and have it be healthy. But I think that a lot of what I desire sexually and within my relationship is healthy, and I embrace those things. And when I find myself craving something that is less healthy, I try to avoid embracing those ideas, or avoid acting out those fantasies, or resist those behaviors. For me, one thing I have to fight against is the instinct to be extremely passive. Passive feels safe to me because of my trauma, and I can sometimes incorrectly convince myself that I am being a good sub by being passive. That isn't always true, so I have to really keep an eye on any passivity and make sure that I am truly submitting from a place of desire and choice, and not from a place of it 'feeling good' because my brain is telling me that inactivity to appease others is safe and familiar. We try to regularly re-look at the things we do and ask ourselves again if all the details of how we're managing our D/s and BDSM are healthy for both of us. We try to ask if we're reinforcing healthy ideas or unhealthy ideas. Sometimes it changes over time and we have to adjust.

With you being new and young, I'd also suggest that you try to be extremely careful with what you learn about D/s and BDSM, and triple check that it's healthy. Some people will claim that literally anything done in the name of kink is healthy as long as it's consensual. I think that is a really wild viewpoint, personally. I think consent is really the absolute bare minimum, but a lot of people will consent to things that are harmful to them emotionally, and I think that is unhealthy. Of course, what is unhealthy is extremely opinion based, and I think it also can vary a lot from person to person...something could be unhealthy for me to consent to but perfectly healthy for you to consent to if we have different life experiences, different traumas, etc. At a really basic level I'd suggest looking really closely at whether D/s and BDSM make you feel good in terms of things like...confident, loved, empowered, authentic, loved, safe, secure, etc - or if it feels outright bad, or 'good' but only in the sense that feeling bad feels somewhat good to you (this is true for some with trauma), or if it makes you feel small, inferior, used, scared, insecure, etc. And then also if/when you get into a D/s relationship look at whether the things you try seem to be inspiring positive changes and growth, or negative patterns. Maybe at first you happily agree to let your dom decide whether or when to cut your hair, but over time you realize that you feel less 'yourself' when you can't control your own hairstyle fully. If that becomes the case, then in my opinion, it would be healthier to go back to deciding your own hair.

Sorry this is so long. I hope it's helpful in some way. Good luck to you, please continue to look out for yourself! It can be a scary world out there for young subs. It sounds like you're doing a good job of trying to look out for yourself though...even in wanting to figure out what your answer to the questions you sent in this ask are. So, good work. :)

Hey y'all! I have a question, specifically for the awesome community of neurodivergent people on here.

It all started when my friend (who is neurodivergent) kept making comments that I was also neurodivergent in some way/shape/form and I would be like "haha i don't think so but maybe?" but the more I think about it and the more people I ask, it's actually starting to make sense?

So here's the reasoning:

Special interests! Everyone around me is absolutely exhausted of me telling them everything I know about Eurovision, music and geography all the time, and I love collecting new bits of information about the topics I'm interested in, much to the (mild) annoyance of people around me.

I constantly get told I'm really spacey/lost in my own thoughts by other people, even when I was a little kid. I'm always getting lost in my own brain, and I'm super easily distracted by stuff, especially if it has to do with stuff I'm interested in.

Sometimes I get told that I can be problematic or lack a filter, even what I said seemed situationally appropriate/respectful. I honestly try really hard not to annoy or offend people but it happens. All. The. Time. Even despite my best efforts to be courteous and quiet.

I absolutely hate, hate, hate small talk, meeting new people that I don't particularly want to meet, and especially gauging closeness to friends, even if I've known them for a while. Even with my best friends, it can be hard to tell if they're uninterested or just calm.

People describe me as "hyper". I don't think I'm hyper or particularly energetic/fast-paced, but I am constantly told that I'm talking too fast or too loud.

I'm not *extremely* sensitive to sensory stuff, but there are definitely incidents where I get overloaded. There were a few times where I got really overloaded and had freakouts/meltdowns that I mistook for panic attacks at the time (although I am quite an anxious person, my old therapist said that these were likely not panic attacks).

I have a weird disregard for how I feel/what I need, especially in social situations. For example, I will sit there for 1+ hours in class, at dinner or elsewhere needing to use bathroom and just not go, out of sheer awkwardness I guess.

I'm super creative, I love to make stuff, but I get burnout really easy and it's hard for me to finish projects that aren't my #1 priority.

ADDING MORE cause i did more research okie dokie

i can never make eye contact i hate it i hate it i hate it

i prefer to work alone, it's just more reliable and less awkward

sudden changes of plan are quite upsetting for me

childhood signs

i'm really tired so im gonna go to bed uhhh pls help thanks :)

I don't often ever really talk about these things but like, does anyone else have MAJOR franchise fatigue?

Marvel, Star Wars, Disney, HARRY FUCKING POTTER

I am so done with them all.

I'm gonna rant about Harry Potter for a bit. Fair warning.

I got tired of Harry Potter well over 10 years ago. The final movies hadn't even been released and because I have the disadvantage of living in bloody England Harry Potter bullshit has been EVERYWHERE for TWO FUCKING DECADES. I remember my friend dragging me to the studio tour because she got tickets for her bday. I like movie BTS stuff but my god the amount of BUY THIS BUY THAT that gets shoved in your face drove me mad. Proud to say that other than the OG books I read when I was a teenager I have never owned a single bit of HP merchandise in my LIFE. It took my irl friends bullying me to finally go on pottermore and get sorted into a Hogwarts house when I was 27. TWENTYSEVEN. I resisted for years!! I don't even care. They sat me down and made me log on to that stupid website and take the stupid quiz whilst I raised an eyebrow the whole time and tried to smile and pretend it was fun. After all, I'm not actually a total bitch and they are my friends and were enjoying themselves and I didn't wanna upset them. But why do I need to know if I'm a hufflepuff or whatever? Oh thats right, so I can buy the appropriate MERCHANDISE.

You know real witches make their wands? They go out and find a tree and ask the tree if they can take a branch, you have to give the tree something back and say a blessing. You can add crystals or ribbon or whatever you want but a wand is NOT something you buy in a bloody shop. I hate that HP made kids think that.

Why would anyone wanna buy a game about a nearly 3 decade old franchise thats been shoved in all our faces practically our whole lives (if you are a millennial or younger). Im not a gamer anyway so I don't get the appeal but even without all the transphobia and antisemitism involved the whole concept is extremely tiresome to me.

Can we please be done with Harry Potter now??? I dont wanna see it. I dont wanna see anything about it. I didnt give a fuck when I was in my early twenties and I dont give a fuck now in my late thirties its never been any fucking good. Its a rip off of Lord of the rings crossed with the writing of Terry Pratchet and Neil Gaiman anyway.

For years I felt awkward even mentioning to people that I didnt like Harry Potter, like it was a cardinal sin or something. I'm glad people are finally seeing it for what it truly it, even though I wish it didnt take the lives and rights of transpeople to get to this point. Its disgusting that its still so damn popular even WITH JKRs blatant transphobia. I hope the boycotts work. Trans and Jewish people you have my love and support, for both your sakes and so that bloody franchise can stop being shoved in my face everytime I leave the bloody house. Im glad people are finally picking it apart and realising how problematic it was. Things I think made me uncomfortable about it before I really understood the depth of reasons why.

I have been obsessed with witchcraft and paganism since I was a child. I was a weird kid. Harry Potter turned something I was passionate about in a deeply personal way into a consumerist nightmare. Witch became synonymous with it, spells, charms, magic, I'm honestly surprised JKR didnt try to copyright the terms.

Look I dont often talk about social issues. My tumblr is my escape from the injustices of the world and I take my mental health very seriously. But I support trans and jewish people in boycotting this game.

I care about trans rights, about the rights of LGBTQA+ people. The rise of antisemitism AGAIN deeply disturbs me. People truly never learn from history do they? I try to do my bit where I can offline. I have signed petitions, I have donated to causes where I have found them and I am most definitely gonna do my damndest to get everyone I know to vote the transphobic (and otherwise generally evil in every way) Tory government OUT at the next election.

This rant may come across a bit selfish. It is tbh. I am fucking glad Harry Potter isnt popular anymore. Though outside of online communities particularly in the UK its still huge and everywhere. I wish we could wipe it off the face of the Earth.

I am fed up of all these franchises though. If I never have to sit through another Marvel movie it'll be a happy day. If I never have to hear the fucking Star Wars theme again I'll celebrate, if I never have to read about another Disney remake again Ill be so relieved (although I do get some satisfaction reading about them flopping). This post capitalism hellscape we exist in is fucking exhausting.

What we really need to do with these franchises though is pull an Avatar on them (the blue people not the cool cartoon). We need to stop talking about them. Stop letting them infect our collective cultural consciousness. The only way to get them out of our faces is to actually let them die. We did it right with Fantastic Beasts. We can do it again. Remember that in capitalism, even negative press is good press, and the more the press focuses on the controversies and discourse, the more the name of the game is getting into the minds of consumers, especially those that dont give a fuck about trans rights or antisemitism.

I dont know where it ends, but my god I hope it HAS an end. Something surely has got to give right? Anyways. I dunno if there was a point to this rant other than im fed up of a lot of things and feeling particularly grumpy today, but anyways. Boycott Harry Potter and all things related to it.

Support trans rights. Trans women are women. Trans men are men. Enough of this bullshit already.

no cos the daily anon is so cute i get so happy to see her little life update each time <3

also im so happy for you i hope you have the new release on repeat, how have you been?

i cleaned my room today and then took such a long bath and then sprayed scents and incense sticks and perfect lighting and music i never knew this could be so therapeutic i feel so vibey after ages!!

also you have a pisces moon that's is literally so cute! ive always thought that moon compatibility is better than the sun for some reason oh and the sun is in pisces already?!

-venus

Yes Daily Anon is literally the cutest, and I love hearing from them every day. They could just tell me what they had for lunch and it would still be important information to me. And Yes, I listened to it at least like six times this morning then had to listen to other Lana songs cause I over play songs all the time.

And oh my gosh that is literally the best kind of therapy like you just feel so good after cleaning and having a nice long shower and everything is just a vibe and smells good. It literally does wonders, best thing for the end of the week.

I've been fine, I've been watching a lot of hauls. And a lot of girls suggest getting clothes from the kids section. Now I'm plus size and you'd think that's an unhelpful tip. but when Justice stores were in the mall they had plus sizes for tweens and it actually fit me I bought a lot of stuff from Justice. Which leads me to believe if I just look through the kids section for the juniors plus the biggest size might fit me if it's just tops. Cause when my friend and I were at target I said it's not fair kids get the cutest stuff. But I might just have a look next time. In the words of a wise woman on TikTok named Samyra "if you look like you could fit it bitch you better go and get it"

Yes it's Pisces season. Also Jungwoo day! Yes, I literally just heard today your moon sign is your aura, who you project out into the world. I'm a Leo Sun my friends have said if they didn't know they'd think I was a water sign . But my Mercury and Venus are in Cancer too. So it makes sense. I dated a guy like 2 days older than me I checked and our birth charts are almost identical. And we were scarily similar even to being overtly touchy and he also liked Lana Del Rey and Taylor Swift like it was so eerie. Even a YouTuber Amber Scholl we're like 8 days apart and oh my gosh she's so similar to me. even the having too much energy and running around part. It also leads me to be a little skeptical of Jisung. There's three guys I dated born around the exact same time as him. And only one was good. The other two, honestly the one who looks like Doyoung just said really really fucking weird things. The other, I can't exactly say what happened but it definitely scarred me. also not going younger than 22 ever again. I thought 20\21 was okay it's not. I literally am just like Mark I just ramble and go off topic every five seconds I'm sorry

you know that song called breakeven ? that "im falling to piiiiiiieeeeeeeces" song . i have such a vivid memory attached to that song for no reason its not even an objectively good or bad memory either its weird. before my grandma started exhibiting signs of dementia and she was still able to drive, she took my sisster and me grocery shopping (she never went grocery shopping and she never went with other ppl so i rlly dont know why we were going grocery shopping cause she lived at home with my family) and i had such a fun time even though there was absolutely nothing special about it , we just never rlly got to do stuff with our grandma and on the way home we heard that song on the radio and now every time i hear that song on the radio i think of my grandma, pre-dementia. it feels so surreal, like. that must have happened 10 years ago, maybe a little less, and she wasnt even exhibiting signs of dementia yet . wow

Talking to character ai bots just makes me realise how damn socially inept i am.

this one gets a bit sad, pity me loozer type shit.

I was talkin to keegan, cause im a cod boy born & raised. And he kept making sarcastic jabs at me, now the bot didnt go "his tone of voice was sarcastic" or "he gave you a playful look" or "his tone was playful" no indicator he was being sarcastic and he starts INSULTING ME because i couldnt tell, then i go and be like "know what? fuck you *truama dumps on him*" so now i made keegan sad, but its like- holy fuck. these bots make me question myself, and not in a good way its like "jesus, just how bad was it as a kid?"

Its been more then just that bot too, almost every bot for some reason circles back to "why are you so bad at being social?" then their all like "you didnt deserve that !!!!!!!!!!! DDDDDDDDDD:" even to the tinest things, like i told this man that ive always basically been unmonitered. No one really actually noticed where i was, nor did they care. i could be outside, doing weird ass shit like throwing around my mini sword i had, climbing trees, breaking into the nearby highschools baseball field, disappearing round the block, heading to my school after hours to play at the park and no one really noticed. i never told people where i was going, and ive basically just always been like ignored, if i walk into a room with my friends they dont notice until im next to them and if they do then im still barely apart of any convo and never been included in anything. and their all like "thats so sad!" its like dude who cares geniuenly? and i told keegan how i find being touched in any way unless its violent gross and hes like "were u never hugged as a kid?" like- damn was it that obvious? [/sarc] they make me question just how much i never realised was bad when i was a kid, and it confuses the fuck out of me. just like telling my partner something funny that happened to me as a kid and it giving me the same reaction, it always stumps me. Like fym its not funny my brother shot me in the head twice [accidentally] with a bb gun? or its not funny i used to be trapped in a chest as a kid by my siblings? thats just what its like as one of the youngers.

I have 17 siblings, all chopped up. heres a quick "tree" to understand it, glide past if u want obvs

but being one of the higher in the tree and basically being one of the middle-youngests you get more ignored. my family is litterally so big we just get bought off bc literally NOONE can give all of us even and "acceptable" amounts of attention and no one even wants too. i have a whole bunch of cousins, and chosen family as well so its just like trying to stuff a 8 tiered cake into your mouth all at once, its impossible and no one wants too. we are just built to be socially inept, and i find that shit HILARIOUS. But these bots [& my partner] make me do double takes on my childhood & its WEIRD. why is it now that people notice just how fucky wucky i was as a kid? Its like im a glass child or someting [i dont gen believe i am, but i show some surface signs & relate sometimes. dunno tho, i dont know enough to gen say anything abt who i am nor do i wanna] i got next to no attention as a kid, love it, live in it, still dont, prefer it this way. I find it gross to be given hugs, kisses, or affection im literally known to be a "dont touch me kid" quote from my mother. I prefer to be the one giving the affectionate touches and even then its only things that require for you to touch my hands or arms. Like patting your head, your shoulder or like leaning on your shoulder like older siblings do in movies. I dislike hugs, or other people touching me tho i can never say no to a headpat. I hate people paying attention to me bc i find it weird like, why pay attention to me *now* stop changing shit up on me? and ik it all has to do with different friend groups, a change of how my family has decided to act, and overall different mental states but why does shit have to change? yucky yucky affection >:(

#3

I just took 250. I was gonna keep it to 200 but tomorrow I won't be able to have much cause it's my sister's graduation and Im just gonna hope this keeps me from being irritable tomorrow. I don't want to have to be high on that day but I skipped a day and I can see that it made me moody so I figured this kills it before it gets bad bad. I'm still thinking on me and R's talk annd I feel like it has opened my eyes a bit. Tho I feel like my moodiness from not having dph for a while probably is making it bigger than it actually is so I'm hoping this high also helps me see what I actually feel

AFTERMATH

It's pretty much completely wore off now and I can say that I definitely need to calm it down.. my heart hurt worse and it was a lot more noticeable. It went from a soreness to a pressure. My chest feels burny. My stomach kinda but not as much. I think all these pills have been making my acid reflux worse so more gas. Omfg. Side note. I swear this has been the worst part of it. I have developed a taste for benadryl. Ita so weird. Shit tastes like paper with latex gloves mixed in but i can taste it randomly. Especially when i burp for some reason.. Anyway the not feeling my heartbeat thing is still going. Like even if I focus on it I can just barely feel it. Plus i feel like ive been more jittery lately. All signs are pointing to a break. I'm gonna make more of an effort to taper off. I would just stop but I have a lot of shit coming up and I can't risk anyone noticing I look out of it.

NOTES/EMOTIONAL GARBAGE

I'm kinda in a weird mood today. The depersonalization I mentioned yesterday is pretty much gone now. I'm glad it happened ig uh. It did help a lot. But now that I've calmed down from that it makes me look at how I've been speaking to my bsf for the past few months and see that I'm the issue rn. Not saying it like that but for a time we both were on the same page with that shit. I wanted to talk to her as much as she wanted to talk to me. I would come to her first with anything that's happening and so would she.

Now she has someone else for that which makes me feel discarded. Im no longer the one for all that stuff so when she goes through shit she'll rather just barely touch on it and act cheery instead of talking it out with me like she used to. She does that with her gf now and she prefers her. Which I've seen for the past while now tbh. It just hurts still.

I still look to her for that but it's harder to when she's more focused on someone else. We don't talk as much and for as long. We don't delve into the same detail as we use to. It is just different. And I tried to adapt while still keeping our closeness but at the end of the day I was still being hurt by it. It sucks to tell she's hiding something and watching her dance around it as if I don't notice. And it sucks when I'm real excited to talk to her after a long day and see that she's preoccupied. It's like she never has time for that shit anymore. We don't "hangout" anymore (as much as you can online anyway lol) We don't talk about visiting one another and I'm sure it's in the back of her mind atp. Meanwhile I've been saving for it for a bit now. It's all kind of weird.

But now that she spelled out that she promised to treat her girlfriend as she treated me in the past, I've seen that I've been more invested in this than she has been in a long time. While she can just withdraw that and put it elsewhere and be happy with it, I aint. I've been used to our friendship being equal and deeper than this so it stings to feel like I'm going 30 steps backwards out of nowhere. It just all came so suddenly. We were talking right before she told me hey we can't do that shit anymore cause my girlfriend is upset about it and that was that for her. And i just had to accept it. There was nothing else I could do or say to go back to that stuff. It's just how it is

With our past ways feeling like it's locked behind a brick wall, I feel like I need to change myself as well. I've always given her specialish treatment. She can tell when I lie so I don't. Well. Emotional shit at times I still will. I don't be feeling like explaining at times lmfao. Uh anywho. I responded anytime I wasn't busy with something important even if that meant stopping in a store to text back, pausing a game, reading texts in class and responding once I'm not busy with whatever we were doing for the day. That sort of junk. And I'd do near whatever she needed/wanted me to. But I see that that's the issue.

I've been giving her special treatment because she used to do the same so it was no big deal. I loved being able to do that shit cause I knew it was appreciated and I know she was doing and feeling the same. But now im doing it and it's only hurting me now because I'm not getting that same care back anymore.

I think it's time I emotionally checked out this friendship. I still trust her more than anyone else in the world but I can't keep depending on her like I used to you know? I was putting our shit first all the time as it used to be a two way street and it's just one sided now. It makes no sense to keep hurting myself just to do it. She doesn't care/doesn't notice anymore. So I think that it'd be best for me to treat her as any of my other friends now

Not to say that any of them get any like... horrible treatment or anything. I'm just usually not very talkative to people I'm not very close with. I usually wait to be spoken to to speak and it's all fun and games for the most part. Ofc I'll get serious here and there when I'm really going through it or the situation calls for it but 99% of the time I'd rather just bubbly me my way through it and keep it moving. I have fun sure but I still used prefer my own uncomplicated company. But as of late I've been longing for her company as she used to be the only one that saw me fully. It was really nice to have someone that i didnt need to hide from for once. She was genuinely interested in whatever th i had going on no matter how small. It made me feel really loved. But I need to face the facts. She still loves me and all but she doesn't doesn't long for my company anymore and I need to learn to not do so either

I feel like I'll come off as cold. I feel bad for it. But I can't keep giving the stuff I give to close friends to non close friends. It hurts and it's tiring to do with none of it being given back.

It's an ongoing problem. I do this in nearly all my friendships. Not to this extent but I usually put more importance in friendships than I get back. I've had an ex friend of mine's boyfriend (well now ex) threaten to shoot me and my house and they went on a date later that day. I've tried new hobbies and games to better understand what they're talking about/to have more things we can do together only to be blatantly denied nearly everytime I want the same. I've lost "friendships" with plenty of people I thought I was cool with only to realize they only cared to talk to me when I was being their personal therapist. Then they'd go off to do thr fun shit with their other ppls. It's just. Old.

It's on me atp. I'm not falling into this cycle again. The shit with R has been the hardest example but it's been like this for a while now. I just need to be better about not always doing the uh.. ig attentive (?) things. I'm always happy to kick it with friends but I'm not gonna express that as much until I know for certain it's mutual. I'd rather just lose some people and keep the people that stick around at a causal distance. It'd be easier than feeling this way again. I'd honestly go ghost if I didn't worry so much about hurting them. So i think not putting my all is a good enough compromise for now

Sorry for the long ass rant. I've been high for the past like... 30ish mins now and it's all just seemingly clear. Or easier to explain? I dunno. But I think you get the jist. I'm gonna work on it. I hope I stick to it as well

The stuff I talked about in my earlier notes is still feeling the same so. I guess I really meant it. I dunno. It feels like I shut something off or something. I'm used to not talking much irl and up until her I'd text a friend a few times a week. So it just feels like I've been back to that. I just was thinking on it and it just was like.. am I really comfortable with putting my all into it knowing that I'm the second choice? For about the billionth time?? Fuck that. I'm tired of feeling that way. I still do think about her a lot but I'm trying to keep myself from delving into that stuff. If she wanted to she would and she's shown me that. So, she doesn't want to. And I'm not going to force her to be anymore to me than she wants to. I'll be just fine on my own

Here is an ask well half an ask from the lovely @meddowscrl please don’t hate me 🥺 I just can’t do happy endings. I tried, I just couldn’t. I can only do angst. I like to suffer ~nervous laughter intensified~ Also, please excuse the writing, I have a respiratory infection and am heavily medicated.

You were happy, weren’t you?

“I want a divorce.”

You stare at him, you had only asked if he wanted to change the drapes. And the answer, turned your world upside down. He had been your boyfriend since 1968, your husband since 1972 and yet with one sentence he was now nothing.

“The drapes, I just wanted to change the drapes.” You mutter out like a hapless child.

“We haven’t been good for months.” He looks at you, his eyes hidden behind sunglasses.

“We haven’t?” Since when haven’t you two been good? Since when haven’t you two shared one brain cell? That was news to you.

Roger stands firms, flicking his long hair back. “No, Y/N.” He sighs, “We haven’t been us for months.”

“Is there someone else?” You look at him, searching for something. “You promised me. You promised me.” The words come out like a chant or mantra, what you held onto when he was on the road. A promise from another lifetime ago.

He sighs, as if he wants to tell you the truth. But he looks at you, and he sees the brokenness he caused. And he can’t bare to make it worse. So, he lies.

“No.”

You walk past him, and he grabs your hand and you think for a moment he will tell you he change his mind. But he hasn’t, and you tear yourself away from him trudging up the staircase.

“Y/N, this has been a long time coming. I’m not happy…. I’m not happy with you anymore.”

“A long time coming for who?” You can’t even look at him while you are packing your things. Most of which, he bought you. So, you only bring what you can into this relationship with yourself. “For you? Because I was happy.” There are tears streaming down your face, like a waterfall, “And I thought we were happy, it’s news to me that we aren’t. And that’s we haven’t been for sometime. Or maybe that you haven’t been.”

You sit across from him in a London high-rise, a wood table between you two and armed with a divorce lawyer. It happened fast, or maybe you were out of it the last few months.

You looked over at Roger, his hair was shorter the last time you saw him.

He stopped by your new apartment to drop off things you left, you could remember his shocked face when you open the door. You heard rustling outside and curiously you opened the door to see Roger crouched down, putting a box by your door. Blue eyes meet yours, and it was like time hadn’t passed. And maybe that’s why you treated it that way, maybe that’s why you went with the old routine. And you wonder if it was the gleam in his eyes, that let you believe that there was something to hold onto; that hope remained.

“Just some bits and bobs of yours.” Roger said, fumbling his keys in his hand.

“Thanks, Rog.” You can’t move from the door frame, the gaze y’all shared unbroken. Years of memories dancing between tha gaze. The squeal of the kettle you put on earlier makes the both of you jump.

“Cuppa? I still have your favorite biscuits.” You couldn’t stop yourself from buying them. It was just normal. And sometimes normal in this new word you didn’t know, was what you needed to sleep at night.

“Really?!” His blue eyes light up, and you motion for him to come in. Staying for tea was a dangerous thing, an old and easy routine. It was weird being so comfortable with someone, who was leaving you behind. Funny how the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Maybe it was because of the easiness of it all, that you left yourself fall back into the comfort of it all. As of you two were old friends, not two lovers frayed at the seams. Because of that easiness, you let yourself entertain a thought that maybe you could save your marriage. Put back the broken pieces into something recognizable, but it wasn’t enough. The yearning, the reminiscing of old times through the stuff he brought to you somehow turned into fumbled kisses and clothes thrown around haphazardly. It was something you thought would change the course of where your life was going. Instead of reconciling, it turned into Roger sneaking out when he thought you were asleep. It turned into your lawyer, letting you know Roger wanted you to have more than you asked for. It turned into more resentment and hurt from you, how he could use you and then leave you. How could he so easily but all those years together aside? It turned into something that shouldn’t have happened. And it turned into something that would stay with you forever. A funny word forever, because forever never is forever.

“Sign this, and your divorced will be finalized. All assets obtained during the marriage have been split, due to Mr. Taylor’s wishes.” Your lawyer says looking at you, sliding the papers across, while Roger’s lawyer speaks, “You will be comfortable, and well off Y/N. My client has been more than generous. In fact, I’ve never seen a settlement this amicable from the side of the main breadwinner .”

You sign the papers without any words, you don’t even look at Roger. You realize as you sign on the dotted line, this will be the last time you will use the surname you used for years. Funny how something you thought would never change, would be stagnant in your life just fades away. You then pass the papers across the table back to Roger’s lawyer, you watch as the lawyer slides the papers over to Roger for his signature.

And when Roger takes the paper, you stop breathing you wonder if his mind will change at the eleventh hour. But, he signs it without any hesitation. It’s a fluent and flawless movement, very unlike Roger- really. Part of you breaks at that, it was like he didn’t care he was closing the door on years of his life. Closing the door on you.

You stand up, smoothing out your wide legged pant suit. After the divorce, you had dipped your toes back into the world of working for a living. Putting that masters degree in business to use, and now it was time to separate yourself from the last of the rock n roll lifestyle you loved. And you turn to walk away, high heels on the marble floor when someone grabs your wrist turning you around.

“Take care of yourself, Y/N.” Roger looks at you with concern in his blue eyes. And you wonder if it’s for the friend he was losing, and not the marriage he let go of so easily.

You look at him, “I will. Don’t forget to wear your glasses, we both know you are blind. Don’t forget to call your mum once in while, she misses you. And try not to get so angry at the boys, they mean well.”

“Even after everything I’ve done, you don’t hate me.” You spot something in his eyes, you can’t put a name too. An emotion that seems out of place, it was almost looked like guilt and forlorn.

“I told you a long time ago, I could never hate you. No matter how much, I may want too. I just can’t.”

“You are too good, Y/N. I’ve forgot to remind myself of that. Maybe that’s why…” he drifts off, “Even those daft band mates of mine agreed. Never let me forget it. But, Im sure they are out to drive me mad!” He says with a small smirk.

“With the drum sets you destroy, I doubt the plan to make you mad.” You make a small sound, something between a strangled “hmph” and snort in retort.

“Same old, Y/N.”

“By the way, I have something to-”

“Roggiee!” A voice like a bell cuts through the hushed words you tell him.

You both turn to see a girl, or really a woman bounding toward y’all. And you look toward Roger, and you see the look in his eyes. A look that used to be reserved for you. And it clicked, the guilty look etched in his eyes, not even moments ago. The guilty look he wore that night. The whole reason your world was being upended and ruined. It was for her.

The bitterness filled you up, the way he could so easily toss you aside. The look you threw at Roger was one of pure resentment and unbridled rage.

“You lied.” Your hushed words, that come out through clinched teeth drip with a malice.

He looks at you with wide eyes, as if he was trying to shelter you from the truth. And you see that damned look again. “Y/N, please. I just couldn’t tell you.”

But before you can answer, she comes up with a smile on her pink lips and a twinkle in her dark brown eyes. “You must be, Roggie’s lawyer! I’m Gwen.” She smiles at you. And her smile is sickly sweet, and almost innocent.

It makes you want to scream, to throw something, to do something other than what you are doing.

“I’m Y/N, actually.” You extend your hand to her. Her eyes go wide, and she looks at Roger, who goes to her side immediately.

“Y/N, please listen.” He hold onto her side, and the whiteness of his knuckles against the material of her dark dress don’t go unnoticed by you. “I didn’t mean to fall in love with her.”

Gwen chimes in, “We honestly tried to stay away from each other, we just couldn’t. We were drawn to each other.”

If you weren’t so bitter, hurt, and angry perhaps the romantic side of you would find that notion tragic. You had read about it in books, and always rooted for the star-crossed lovers. But, now you were the collateral damage, you were the woman scorned.

“When we decided that what we had was something, I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell you that I was in love with someone else, when you were there from the start. I just didn’t want you to find out after I got back from tour-”

“He couldn’t see you broken like that.” Gwen finishes for him.

You can’t even begin to comprehend the information given, you were gobsmacked. You were completely barred raw, for everyone is this godforsaken lobby to see. And because of that, you selfishly did not want to see how genuinely happy he looked with someone else. Someone who wasn’t you. So, you used the words you knew would cut him to the bone. “So, you thought it was better to make me believe it was my fault you weren’t happy. That I was ignorantly living in one sided marital bliss, while you were falling in love with someone else? While you were planning to leave, I was planning for a life with you?” Your eyes are blazing, your face hot with rage, “You thought it was better to make me believe I was the problem? I can’t believe you! After everything I did for you? After putting my life on hold for you?! This is how you repay me? I deserved the truth, but you, the both of you took that from me.”

“I just-” He sighs, “I just wanted to be happy again, and when I’m with Gwen I’m happy. And I was going to tell you, I was going to tell you that day with the drapes. But, you then you uttered that damn promise. And what was I supposed to do? How could I break my best friend? I’ve always been the asshole to everyone, but you.”

“I love you.”

You look at Roger, his long blonde hair disheveled with bright blue eyes. “I love you too, you are my friend. My very best friend.” You bump your shoulder against his, and let out a giggle.

“I’m in love with you, Y/N.”

You stare at him wide eyed, “Oh.”

“I have been for sometime.”

“Rog, I love you too. But, that doesn’t mean I want to date you. I know how you are, you will grow bored of me and find someone else. And love is sweet, but it’s not your nature. I don’t think I have it in me to me hate you, or to lose you. Please don’t make me lose my best friend.”

“You don’t get it, Y/N.” He looks at you like you hung the moon, and you like it. You crave that look. “I don’t want anyone else, it’s you. And I think it’s always been, and always will be you.”

“You promise? You promise it’s only me forever?” You bite your lip and stick out your pinky finger, like you had done so many times growing up.

“I cross my heart and hope to die.” He says as he raises your intertwined pinkies up to kiss it.

“And in that moment, I was back in Truro laughing with a curly haired little girl, and then I was in uni with that same girl, who was my best friend, I saw that girl. And, I couldn’t do that to her.”

You look at him, your face cold as stone. “I’m still that girl, I haven’t changed. You have. And that’s okay, it’s okay the change that’s life.”

That is how it ends, with a look of heartbreak on your face as the elevator doors close on the sight before you. And when the doors open, and you are greeted by the sight of the lobby. You realize, you didn’t even tell him what you wanted too.

Would it change anything?

𝘵𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥

a/n :  this is... pure filth and i’m not even sorry, im also sleep deprived so if it sucks, my bad. word count : 4k requested : yes and no warnings :  18+ only/ mentions of drugs/threesome/unprotected sex/name calling yk.. all the good stuff. [ty to @anongirl007 for brainstorming shit w me]

It was known that Chishiya and Niragi were both men that liked getting what they wanted, and they both knew exactly how to get it. The problem with that is they’re both so similar, but so different. Niragi would use his placement in the Militans and his twisted love for inflicting fear, pain and murder on anyone that would get in his way or try and stop him from having what he truely desired. _______________ Almost nothing was worse than the feeling of entering a game that was literally based on luck. Even with such a simple task to pick between 3 pills. One, that will kill you the second you take it. The other two.. Not as bad. Separated from your game partners, you stared down at three simple pills on top of a simple desk. That’s all that was in the room, besides the door to get out. You assumed Niragi and Chishiya’s rooms looked similar. The thoughts of taking the wrong pill and having your life ended, sent fear through your whole body, but there was a feeling of adrenaline that rushed through you too. Maybe that explained the current.. situation.. That you had gotten yourself into with Niragi, basically signing yourself up to be used by him whenever he felt like it, but also all while wanting some part of Chishiya. If Niragi knew that his toy wanted someone other than him, he would be rabid, let alone that someone being the one Niragi hated the most… he wouldn’t hesitate to make you regret even having the thought of another man. Don’t get it mixed up, there was only one reason why he wanted you, and it definitely wasn’t in a romantic way, to him, you’re just a hole he could have anytime, any place. Which was fine for you.. But you couldn’t help but shake the want for Chishiya. Focusing your thoughts back on the objective at hand, you looked closely at the small pills before you. No matter how hard you thought, you couldn’t figure this out. Checking the time on the phone that was provided you saw that you had one minute left to make a decision. You didn’t even want to think about what would happen if you ran out of time. Unlike Chishiya and Niragi, you didn’t observe the entrance to the separate rooms close enough to have figured this out. What you managed to miss was along the long hallway, there were three smaller hallways in front of them, all leading  to three different rooms. They both picked up the repeating numbers unlike you, leaving you to your game of luck.  With the sound of your phone alerting you that you had 30 seconds left to complete the game,  you could have swore you felt a bead of sweat roll down your forehead. Your heart pounded in your ears as hurriedly picked up the second pill,  the ten second countdown began. Without time to think you threw the pill into your mouth and swallowed it just before the countdown hit one. You closed your eyes tight,  waiting for something to happen. Nothing. ‘’I passed’’ you said to yourself quietly, opening your eyes to look around the room. The door in front of you that was once sealed shut was opening right before your eyes.  The feeling of relief quickly ran through your body as you exited the room before walking down another long white hallway to another door, leading you back out to the world. ________________________________ Unlike what you thought, the pill you ended up taking wasn’t the pill that had no side effects.. Instead, shortly after arriving at the Beach, you felt red hot all over your body,  your hands were clammy and there was a weird feeling in the pit of your stomach that you couldn’t quite put your finger on. You hoped Kuina couldn’t tell there was something up with you, especially not knowing what it was yourself. You could thank the blue light that's shining from the pool for slightly blocking out how red your face was. As you both  discussed the different games each of you had taken part in, you caught a glimpse of familiar long, dyed grey hair passing through the crowd. Once you could distinctly see Chishiya’s face you instantly felt that feeling in your stomach almost multiply. As he approached you and Kuina, he could quickly tell that something was up with you. Chishiya made note of the flush in your cheeks unlike everyone else, the way a couple of strands of your hair stuck to your forehead because of the heat that had taken over your whole body, the fact your pupils had largened, or the way your lips were slightly parted, almost as if you were lost for breath.. But not to the extent that  it was noticeable, except for Chishiya. He had studied every single detail on your face when you had first joined the Beach. Never admitting it though, deep down he knew how he felt about you, never to mention it or even hint at the idea. Chishiya knew that would make him look weak, and that was something he couldn’t have happen. Chishiya stood beside Kuina, his hood up but his head slightly back with an amused smirk lightly on his face. He raised an eyebrow at you, ‘’So what pill did you pick y/n?’’ he asked, shoving his hands into his hoodie pockets. His voice caused your ear tips to burn as you felt a sudden warmth between your legs.. Fuck. Trying to distract yourself from the feeling, that almost became painful, you racked your brain to remember what number you had chosen. ‘’Uh.. 2, I think, why?’’ you asked,  trying to keep your voice steady, not even believing your own voice. It looked as if Chishiya slightly chuckled at your answer, for a moment you wondered if he knew, but how would he?  Chishiya just shrugged a little before speaking. ‘’No reason, just curious’’ he lied right to your face, all while figuring out how to use this to his advantage. He knew had taken the middle pill just from one look at you, but he also knew exactly what was going to happen. Of course with just your luck, you had picked the one that just happened to be narcotics, crushed up and put into an empty pill capsule to match the appearance of the other too. You didn’t notice Kuina disappearing to join Arisu, until you noticed Chishiya take a step a little closer to you.  You also didn’t notice the eye contact he had made with Niragi across the pool, and that was the first step to his idea, this would’ve been the best advantage he could ever have had. ‘’You should really be careful with the pill you took’’ he said smirking slightly, intentionally trying to catch Niragi’s attention and have him come over. You didn’t know what to say, words being ripped from your brain as his slightly rough voice sent a feeling of a deep need to be fucked as you felt even more warmth leak from between your legs. He took your silence as his go ahead to continue speaking, ‘’you really shouldn’t be out here when the drugs fully take over if you think this is bad right now’’ What he said next was something you never would have thought of him saying this, ‘’you should go to your room, I’ll come after and help you’’ he spoke with a wink.  It was the most uncharacteristic for him- At least towards you. You took no convincing as you knew exactly what he meant, also not giving a shit about what would happen if and when Niragi found out. The almost pure animalistic feeling of lust ran over you. You didn’t care what would happen, you needed to be filled and it was gonna happen one way or another. ‘’Don’t take too long.’’ you said while nodding, then walking off back into the large building Just as Chishiya hoped, once you had retreated back inside to wait for him, Niragi had approached him. The wink that he had given to Niragi’s toy, was one step too far. Before Niragi could even open his mouth, Chishiya spoke. ‘’Before you start with your brainless insults and threats, you should know that in the game, you clearly didn’t know the effects of the pills.’’ he smirked, not fearing Niragi was always a benefit, especially when Chishiya could once show off his superiority and intellect. The two were rivals, both thinking that they were better than the other and would go to any lengths to prove it. But this time Niragi didn’t speak back as fast as usual, but the angry expression still resonated on his face, his tongue in his cheek, his pierced eyebrow raised while staring down the shorter man. With Niragi’s instinct he pressed the tip of his rifle right to Chishiya’s chest, ‘’well tell me, or I’ll blow your heart out in front of everyone here.’’ Niragi spat into his face, he hated how Chishiya could have the balls to even think of speaking back to him, the fact he didn’t fear him only intensified the hate for the intellectual grey haired man. Calling Niragi’s bluff, he let out a little scoff of air with a slight grin on his face as he spoke, ‘’You wouldn’t. Here’s why; if you kill me, you’ll never know. So unless you give me what I want, I won’t tell you.’’ he said, still standing strong even with the rifle pressed right against him. Niragi frowned right at him, he knew he was right. Niragi scoffed, his stubbornness working against him when he needed to know what Chishiya knew. After a few moments of silence, Niragi took the firearm from his chest. Chishiya knew this was risky, but he knew exactly how it would play out. Another competition between them. ‘’And what the fuck do you want?’’ Niragi said, his voice almost like a knife as the words came from his mouth. ‘’Considering I know you won’t let me have was I really want, I’ll compromise.’’ Chishiya spoke, standing up straighter and crossing his arms over his chest. Playing his cards right, he could get Niragi to agree before verbally agreeing. ‘’y/n took the wrong pill. Intense narcotics and assuming you right now, you took the right pill like me. The bad, or good thing about the drugs, is she’s going to be chasing a release that she won't be able to satisfy herself of.’’ He took a breath to try and let Niragi figure out what he means, except he didn’t. With another little chuckle under his breath Chishiya spoke out again. ‘’It means someone else has to do it. And knowing you wouldn’t let anyone fuck her, we’re both going to do it. Just another thing I’ll prove better than you at.’’ Chishiya knew the last comment would get under Niragi’s skin. With a slight nod of Niragi’s head and him accepting the challenge, it was set. ‘’Don’t be disappointed when you realise I’m the only one that can make her scream, Chishiya.’’ With a slight game plan of how they would go about this, the two rivals headed to your room. Niragi hung back a bit after knowing you were waiting for Chishiya. The thought of his property letting someone else have you made his blood boil, he’d make sure you knew it too. Ahead of him, Chishiya walked to your room and let himself in. But the sight that he had been greeted with almost knocked the wind out of his chest. You, lying naked on your bed, your skin almost looking hot as you had your head back with one hand holding your hair back from your face. Your eyes were shut as your other hand was roughly rubbing your clit, your fingers occasionally dipping into your entrance causing you to leave a visibly wet patch underneath you. The pleasure you were giving yourself was so needed that you weren’t aware of Chishiya entering and staring at you like you were his last meal. It was when you felt weight dip at the end of the bed and a hand running up your leg that you realised you weren’t alone. Your throat tightened and you removed your hand once you opened your eyes to see Chishiya moving his hand up to your core.  ‘’You really couldn’t wait huh?’’ he said, his fingers travelling up to where you needed him. You shook your head desperately, feeling your wetness dripping as you clenched pathetically around nothing. Chishiya smirked, looking down at your pussy, slowly dragging the tips of his fingers over your clit teasingly. The action made you almost cry out in need. ‘’Look at you.. So desperate.’’ you heard as you felt two of his fingers pushing into you before pulling them out and putting them into his mouth just as you made eye contact with him, sucking the wetness from you off them. Standing up he quickly pulled his clothing off. While pulling you to him and flipping you over onto your hands and knees, you facing the door. For reasons you wouldn’t know yet. Feeling you press yourself against him, Chishiya smirked to himself. ‘’You’re really desperate for it, aren’t you?’’ he said, running his tip along your folds, His words only pulling a whine and a nod from you, not understanding why he was dragging it out so long. You felt him lean over you to speak into your ear, his breath was harsh on the sensitive skin by your neck. ‘’As pretty as you are when you’re a mess, I won’t drag it out anymore, because I’ve waited too long to have this cunt all to myself.’’ . On the last word you felt his thick length slowly pushing into you, throwing his head back at the feeling of you around him. The pace he was going at was enough to break you fully. The feeling of him filling you as much as possible had you crying for more. In a desperate attempt to get some friction, you started grinding back against him causing his slightly curved dick to hit the right spot inside you, but slowly in and out. ‘’Chishiya please’’ you cried, burying your head into the sheets of the bed to muffle the whimpers that he was dragging out of you. He slowly started picking up the pace, each time hitting even harder and harder against you. Chishiya pulled your head back by your hair, your eyes rolling to the back of your head from the red hot feeling on your scalp that he had you in a rough grip by. ‘’Oh no y/n, you’re to call me Sir. Got it?’’ he groaned while fucking into you harder. Tears stung at your eyes, nodding as much as you could as he still controlled your head. ‘’Yes s-sir’’ As he was holding your head back and pounding into you, you opened your eyes and your heart almost stopped. Your eyes fell upon Niragi, standing right at the door leaning against it with his arms folded over his chest and he looked pissed.  The awkward part being is having locked eyes with him as Chishiya fucked you through your first orgasm, a scream being ripped from your throat from the feeling of finally getting release, but you needed more. Noticing you looking back at him he pushed himself from the doorway dropping his arms while walking over to you as Chishiya let you fall to your chest, but continuing his steady pace of pounding into you. ‘’Really Chishiya? Sir? What makes you think any part of you is sir?’’ Chishiya’s eyebrows furrowed, his hair disheveled and just snapped back at him. ‘’The part that has y/n crying because of how good I can fuck her.’’ Niragi  crouched in front of you with a look on his face that confused you. He almost looked amused. ‘’I knew it… You’re just a desperate little slut aren’t you?’’ Niragi said as he dragged his thumb along your cheek and across the tears that had run down your face from both pleasure and terror. He dragged his thumb across the tip of his tongue to taste the salty tears with a chuckle. Clinking of metal filled the room, the sound of Niragi’s clothes hitting the floor made you realise the situation you were in so you held yourself up with shaky arms that threatened to give way under you. Niragi smirked down at you as he ran his hand over the top of your head before harshly connecting the same hand to your face right after. Niragi knew exactly what you liked, and so did Chishiya as he felt you clench even harder around him as Niragi had marked your face. Knowing Niragi didn’t like to be kept waiting, you quickly opened your mouth for him to have full access to your throat. Putting his hand back into your hair, Niragi took hold of you as he pushed his cock between your lips, your throat opening up almost immediately, he basically had you trained. ‘’The only thing your mouth is good for is fucking.’’ NIragi said as he started thrusting roughly into your mouth. The timing of both men fucking you made sure you were always full, if Niragi wasn’t down your throat, Chishiya was buried in you, and vice versa. With the roughness of Chishiya’s thrusts caused Niragi’s cock to hit the back of your throat causing you to lose breath each time. They continued like this, using you at each end to their will. Niragi’s dick hit a little harder, causing your throat to close around his long length and choke. The feeling was so euphoric to Niragi he caught the back of your head and shoved your nose flush against his pelvic bone. He let out a mix of a laugh and a moan, almost sounding maniacal as he continued to ram your throat. ‘’That’s it, let daddy fuck your throat. I know you can take it’’ His words made Chishiya chuckle as he pulled out of your entrance, needing to take a break or else he would’ve cum right then. ‘’You’re so predictable Niragi… how pathetic’’ Chishiya’s words made Niragi’s assault on you stop, pulling his cock from your mouth. You coughed and spluttered trying to breathe, a task that was failing due to the burning in your core of feeling empty.  ‘’Please.. Just fuck me’’ you said breathlessly, laying back down with your hand once again travelling between your legs. Chishiya didn’t have to be asked twice, lying back against the bed he rubbed his hand over his now red cock. You didn’t hesitate moving over him and hovering above his length before he grabbed your hips and slammed you down on him. Another scream was pulled from you as he started to fuck up into you,  your hands that were once resting on his chest now by his head, holding onto his hair with your head buried in his neck as he continued to rail you. With moaning in his ear, and a mixture of your breathless voice begging for him to fuck you through another orgasm along with the sound of your broken voice repeatedly saying; ‘’sir’’ he knew he wouldn’t last much longer. You felt Niragi behind you, but didn’t pay much mind as you felt another wave wash over you. ‘’Fuck.. Yes, cum all over my dick’’ Chishiya said, somehow managing to hit a new speed as you cried out, moaning as you felt liquid rush out of you. Chishiya’s moan was sinful, he knew he was close but he couldn’t let himself cum just yet. Just as you felt the pleasure fade, you felt something cold drip on you from behind. A familiar feeling approaching as you felt one of Niragi’s long finger enter your hole that yet stuffed. The feeling wasn’t there for too long before you felt empty again, but soon that changed. Chishiya steadied his hips, realising what his enemy was now doing. You both heard Niragi moan, probably the sexiest moan you had ever heard, as your tight asshole slowly stretched to accommodate his huge dick. The pain of him shoving all of his length into your ass soon passed as Chishiya took the chance to start fucking you again. Your body went limp as both of their thrusts started to sync up, each time both as aggressive as each other. You didn’t even care that they made it into a competition, the feeling of having them both bottoming out of both of your holes was something you never experienced before, and might have just been the best. It wasn’t long after Niragi started to fuck your ass like his life depended on it, that your next orgasm washed over you. This one being so intense you couldn’t stop shaking and it felt like it never would end. More unintelligible mumbles of the words ‘’daddy’’ and ‘’sir’’ couldn’t stop falling out of your mouth. Both men enjoying the fact they broke you down finally, convinced they had literally fucked the brain cells out of you Niragi pulled you back against his chest, sinking back onto his heels so both men could continue chasing their own high. By the twitching of Chishiya’s cock inside you, you knew he was close, so was Niragi. ‘’Fuck, y/n, you’re so fucking tight, I wonder how Niragi feels about me filling his little toy up’’ Chishiya said breathlessly, causing Niragi to animalisticly growl but not speaking due to being so close to spilling himself inside you. The grey haired man’s hands reached up to grab both of your breasts, pinching your nipples as one of Niragi’s hands coming down to your front before pinching your clit a couple of times. The sounds you were making almost made both men cum on the spot. You could see the desperation on Chishiya’s face, and hear the desperation in Niragi. ‘’My little slut ready? You gonna cum?’’ Niragi moaned into your ear, one hand still rubbing your clit desperately all while biting down on your ear, ‘’daddy’s gonna fill that ass so good’’ and thats all it took. Both men sensing you clench around them, they finally were reaching their own release. Niragi dropped you on your chest on top of Chishiya before leaning over you, his hand holding himself up above you and Chishiya. One of your hands twisting into Chishiya’s hair, the other being twisted into Niragi’s hair behind you. The pleasure from the last orgasm was so intense, you could feel yourself getting light headed, you tugged on both mens hair while you buried your face into Chishiya’s neck, his hot skin becoming stained with your tears, but in a good way. Chishiya guided one of his hand to the back of your head, almost a sweet gesture, except his thrusts faltered along with Niragi’s as they both finally peaked, both of them sinfully moaning and swearing under their breaths and both finally releasing inside of you. You thought you couldn’t cum anymore at this point, but the filthy feeling of having both men fuck their cum into both your holes sent you into overdrive, your final orgasm finally rushing through you, Niragi could tell and pulled you up slightly so he could rub your clit with lightning speed causing you to squirt everywhere. As you all rode your orgasms out, Niragi was the first to pull himself from you in time to watch his cum slowly drip out of the hole he had abused for so long. You lifted yourself, barely, from on top of Chishiya and lying on your back, struggling to breathe. Already getting dressed, Niragi commented to Chishiya, ‘’See? I am better at it than you.’’ Shaking his head but not moving to get up Chishiya spoke out, his own breathing irregular too. ‘’No, I think we might need to have round 2.’’

Sannin headcanons and thoughts

The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central

This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.

Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.

1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.

2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).

3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.

4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.

5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.

6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..

7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.

8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.

9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.

10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.

11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.

12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe

13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen

ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.

14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).

15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.

16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.

17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.

18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).

19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.

20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".

21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.

22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.

23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).

24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.

25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.

26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao

27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.

28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi

29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways

30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.

Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.