#this is far more visceral
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ok real talk i know it’s fun doing angst to the twins but there needs to be a hard line drawn in the obsession with making emmet insane and violent with grief. i’m taking a gamble putting this in the main tag but i believe it NEEDS to be said, so please feel free to block and disregard if it’s too upsetting. believe me i get it
i have ptsd. i know what it’s like to be so traumatized that it changes you, makes you angry and upset and prone to lashing out bc your brain can’t function properly anymore. i know exactly what it’s like to lose control of how you think and feel and process information and it’s terrifying. i’m all about respectful depictions of mental illness in my media and anyone who’s followed me for a while is well aware how passionate i am that people DO talk about it. write fic about it, make art about it. but have some goddamn tact for all of us out there who don’t have the luxury of moving on from one fanfic to the next.
think about us reading these things and having to deal with the reality that this is how you perceive us. we’ve suffered from immense trauma and continue to suffer in so many different ways all the time, and that’s not something we can escape from. we can’t push the tragedy away like you can. we get triggered, have flashbacks, have psychotic episodes, and have to manage those for our own safety and well-being. i have triggers that i’ve spent years working through so i can safely browse random shit online, but even then something could happen at any second that sends me spiraling. it happens. it has happened and will happen countless times for the rest of my life, but i’m fortunate enough to have had treatment for my ptsd and adjacent traumas.
there are many of us who aren’t as lucky to get that help and end up somewhere truly awful, and they’re the ones hurt the most. we are not inherently violent. we aren’t suddenly cruel and callous and do horrible things to people we love. we are permanently, irreparably injured and cast aside, disregarded, because we’re an ugly truth nobody likes to acknowledge. we exist just like the rest of you, have regular mundane lives, and fight every single day to keep our heads above water only to try to indulge in our favorite series’ and see ourselves painted as broken, violent things to pity, by the very people we thought we could trust with our vulnerability. and i’ve been burned before.
trauma victims are not concepts of fiction for you to play with. we aren’t tropes and tags to delight in for morbid satisfaction or borderline perversion for tragedy. i love angst and i love dark media exploring these exact topics and go out of my way to roll around in disturbing content and psychological horror. it’s cathartic, it tickles my psychology brain, and i know i'd love them with or without my own mental illnesses. with them however, i genuinely adore and appreciate grounded depictions of emmet working through his trauma, confronting the darkest parts of himself, and learning from them. that’s a struggle i understand. it’s unfathomably difficult and many of us don’t make it out. it’s ugly at times but it is all the same.
so here is what i present at the end of all this: have respect for topics of mental illness, trauma, and ptsd. have respect for the victims out there who enjoy the same things you do, the same genres, but find ourselves romanticized. fetishized. author intent does not matter because we’re real people whose largest wounds are being used as playthings in media we’re trying to enjoy with everyone else.
and if you continue to do so regardless (i’m not your dad you can do whatever you want), don’t be surprised by negative reactions. being quiet certainly hasn’t helped us this far.
#submas#trauma tw#ptsd tw#mental illness tw#and for the record i'm also on the spectrum but there's already been lots of posts about that#this is far more visceral#victims don't talk about these things for good reason
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was talking with my psych and she mentioned that due to the sheer amount of death i've experienced that the way i interact with the world and the way my mind works is similar to that of her clients who are refugees and survivors of war and other catastrophes, particularly in my struggles to relate to others, anhedonia, chronic stress response, etc. like i have c-ptsd it's all trauma whatever but it's like. the things that repetitive and constant loss not just of people but places and rituals and belonging does to a person. to think of your childhood with tables full of people and the only one who still lives and remembers any of it is you. all of the places are no longer accessible, lost to time. holidays mean nothing anymore. bad things happen and the people you need comfort from are dead, good things happen and the people you need to share it with are dead. life events rendered meaningless. and unable to connect to others because they view this kind of tragedy to be just something that happens to you and thus something you should be used to, and the normal life worries they have become difficult to listen to because they lack the perspective this kind of grief brings. any problem that is not "someone is dead or dying" is a minor issue in my mind, it is all survivable, i can cope with it and quietly find a way through. loss on this scale does not and has not made me a better person, or rather, i have to choose kindness and empathy and compassion every day and hold myself resolutely to that and check myself constantly as much as i can because if i allow myself to be cruel and angry even if it is a righteous anger it will only cause further alienation and further harm. an awareness that if i had not experienced all of this that the things others go through would be greater issues, and committing myself to empathy for others, to be kind and gentle as much as i can (and sometimes failing), even if it feels like swallowing glass. there's no winning or escaping only trudging through
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I’d be interested in a non exr fic rec list
ok yes sorry this took a while to answer, i wanted to get through some fics on my tbr before posting it :)
The Pursuit of Light | enjolras & feuilly | 3.3k
"Let's start with the first conjugation," Enjolras says, taking up the pen beside him and scribbling down a list of words Feuilly is entirely unfamiliar with. "I hope my handwriting isn't too arcane."
True Fraternity | enjolras & feuilly | 2k
When Feuilly goes on a trip with his bourgeois friends to practice shooting, he feels increasingly out of place.
Farouche | combeferre/enjolras | 0.8k
Enjolras and Combeferre's friendly debate about love, family structures, and women goes a wee tiny bit off the rails, and Enjolras reacts even more severely to being hit on when he's interested than when he's not.
Driven Like the Snow | éponine/marius, éponine/montparnasse | 2.9k
The night after the Gorbeau robbery, Eponine wanders the streets of Paris.
Unravel | éponine/marius | 18.2k
Éponine Thénardier can "unravel" time--jump backward a few minutes or hours and let events play out again, sometimes slightly different from before. It's a secret little thing that she uses occasionally, to get herself out of trouble or avoid minor accidents. She's never tried to do anything big with it because, on the whole, she's happy with her life--her family's inn is successful, they live in a nice neighborhood in Paris, and she's in love with a kind and beautiful boy named Marius.
But when her lover is killed on the barricades of the June Rebellion, she has to try to fix it--even if it means using her power on a scale she's never dreamed of. Even if it means throwing away everything else she has.
Under a Moonlit Sky | bahorel/fantine | 25.1k
The year is 1817. After Félix Tholomyès' little suprise, a despairing Fantine thinks she might go to her hometown of M-sur-M to find work. Instead, she decides to find Tholomyès and make him acknowledge Cosette. Enter a young man who would love to have an excuse to travel South (as far away from the law faculty as possible) and is uniquely suited to hunting down terrible men...
In Which Is To Be Learned The Name of Enjolras's Fake Fiancée | cosette & enjolras | 52.3k (unfinished)
It was true, Cosette allowed, that he was nothing at all like the beautiful young man from the Luxembourg, but she must not judge him unkindly for that. The world was full of young men, and it would be quite tedious if all the handsome ones were handsome in the same way.
#stuff tagged ep/marius includes unrequited ofc#anyway there have been more that ive enjoyed but here are some favorites#all canon era lol. that does tend to be what i like. also part of why theres unfortunately no epoferre here#that doesn't work in canon era LOL. but also i once read a fic mistagged as epoferre and have not wanted to look in the tag since#also my pursuit for good eposette fic has proved fruitless :/#so far at least#asks#anon#les mis#i could give commentary on these but i always feel a bit weird doing that. like this is tumblr the authors could see#oh i guess i couldve included the most viscerally upsetting fic ive ever read in this but 1) its kinda exr and 2) i dont wanna think abt it#if anyones curious though u can dm me
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sesshomaru's arc in my sequel idea is... learning to overcome grief and opening up again. because rin's death would have certainly affected him. he opened up to allow a mortal into his life, raised her as a daughter and watched her live a full life.
she grew up and in turn allowed herself to forgive people and let them in too. it was wonderful.
but like all mortals, she couldn't escape death forever. so in time she did pass away from old age. and sesshomaru, who had never encountered grief in this way before, never fully recovered from that loss.
#anti sessrin#just in case.#but like.#sesshomaru's character development is not undone. he is still far kinder than he was.#however; he did relapse. he shut himself off from the world again because that is the only way he knows how to cope with grief.#it helped him when his father died. but rin was a more... visceral loss.#yeah theyre all going through it#reincarnation!au
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Far Too Sweet
A sickening something lives in my throat
It makes my neck bulge, and I start to choke
I pray that it goes, though I know it won’t
It has been there ever since I first woke
A gap in reason, and in my insides
They are what it causes, and where it hides
Hard to breathe, yet even harder to think
Choking on my blood – thick and black, like ink
Always comes back, after I swallow it
Teeth rotten black, for it’s all sickly sweet
Can’t find a way, to stop feeling like it
Tongue burnt away, for it’s all far too sweet
A sickening something squirms in my throat
I claw at my neck, so that I won’t choke
It evades my fingers, will not be caught
My collar turns red, as it starts to soak
A billowing smoke, caused by doubts and fears
Spews up and out my throat, then disappears
Wipes the slate clean, gone is thought and worry
Erases the sight, that was once blurry
Without regard for myself, or for it
My lips are scarred, for it’s all sickly sweet
I hear words hushed, which I fear to repeat
My jaw is crushed, for it’s all far too sweet
A sickening something feasts in my throat
It constantly grows, and it makes me choke
My neck follows suit, as it starts to bloat
Airway blocked up by all the ink and smoke
A pit yawns open, awaiting my fall
If I were to beg, would that help at all?
My wounds yawn open, at touch of my own
My body sags – cold and heavy like stone
I am untouched, and yet, I have been hit
My gums, all cut, for it’s all sickly sweet
Lost on this street, though I grew up on it
Now, I can’t eat, for it’s all far too sweet
#what's this? sequel poem????#not (nearly) as good as the original tbh#none the matter#tried being very visceral with this one#more than I usually do#oh I wonder what being far too sweet compared to the previous one could mean ah hmm#i really do love the idea of ink being blood and i don't think I explored that in this poem well#but pretend that I did. thanks#inner rhyme my beloved#used (here) sparingly but still. it's one of my favourite things in poetry ever#poetry on tumblr#poetry#writing#poem#original poem#aspiring writer#poemblr#poets on tumblr#signed; fa
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In this time of rage and exhaustion only effedupmovies.com can save me
#finally braving I Spit On Your Grave#review so far: lack of non-diegetic sound makes this even more viscerally harrowing. more body hair in this film than in anything post-2010
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I used to always get mad at The Mountain Goats because they're like a Trojan horse to me. I see some banger lyrics on a tumblr post and go oh word 👀👌🏿 and then I go listen to the song and get slain by a Greek army, which in this case is my lack of interest in that musical genre
now imagine that Trojan horse is the latest Hozier album and maybe you can imagine how mad I am
#like of COURSE you had me at ''i carrion / icarian'' but then i went to listen to it 😭#listen i'm happy for him and for y'all but i think i knew this was gonna happen eventually#too many of his songs have lullaby vibes. like honkshoo type shit. i ofc listen to way more genres than just metal but#i think the visceral-feeling components that make metal what it is are indeed the foundation of my tastes.#like. i need my music to punch me in the soul in some way laksmfdlakjflkjg#it can't just be lyrically bc then that's just. that's just a poem. that's a different thing altogether#and yeah i CAN just read these lyrics as poems. which is what i'm doin. but they're NOT poems they're SONGS#anyway. it's too bad but at least the first album + would that i + sunlight will always exist#his accent cute tho i'll grant y'all that#(i also have only heard 3 songs so far and am assuming the rest of the album doesn't deviate that much. change my mind?)
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u know how we're all going "i can't work out whether they're lovers or related to each other???" about Scottish Woman and White TVA Guy in the new Loki ep? THAT is what "oh no they have incest vibes" feels like as a viewer! THAT!!!
#loki season 2#loki spoilers#i think it's that those characters didn't seem like they'd have any connection and then SUDDEN PHYSICAL AFFECTION#and the visible age gap suggest parent-child but they COULD be lovers and without a definitive answer we go “WTF IS THAT ABOUT???”#it's presumably one or the other but either interpretation COULD work so our minds kind of... flip-flop alarmingly between them?#anyway i note that this is all FAR more viscerally disturbing than 'selfcest' ever is so....#(ps: currently am for srs thinking that naming selfcest that way SUGGESTS a problem with it that doesn't exist. having been in several#fandoms where you could selfcest nobody ever complained that it'd be incest so no it's not an obvious conclusion in most cases. FFS!!!)
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thinking about how much of ranpo's meltdown in untold origins got left out of the anime and falling to my knees
#to anyone who has not read untold origins i don't know how to break this to you but that scene is far more devastating originally#the stage play did that scene very well and as for the anime.........well#which it isnt an untold origins specific issue that stuff got left out#BUT#thats like one of the most.important scenes for ranpo's character development in the novel.......pleasw.........#the first time i read that scene it was so viscerally relatable to the autism experience i literally had to set it down and likw#process my emotions#its so good and im forever so sad it got cut SO badly in the anime adaptation#ranpo edogawa#<- because i need people to know this desperstely
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The absolute indignity of begging uni administration for extensions and redos. The needle to thread between "I am doing so poorly please just give me this I'm at the fucking end of my rope" and "promise it's just right now though I'm going to get soo much better and be so normal for next time it's just this once". The way I'm sent into horrendous spirals about my self-worth and future every time I have a deadline.
#genuinely getting an epidermic reaction to assignments#i hate hate hate begging them to be nice to me#like guys. i know 'it's the bare minimum though'.#i'm in a foreign country living on my own for the first time#i've been struggling with undiagnosed/untreated adhd for like four years now at least#i've been crying over homework and assignments for fours years at least!!#this isn't even the end of my rope#the rope has been over for a while now#it's not the the last dregs of my motivation. i've been trying to make more motivation from those dregs for years#i'm so far past the end it's not funny#and masters applications....#i want to live so so bad but every time i start thinking. what if i wasn't alive to be living through this though#like if say. i wasn't conscious for a few months. it'd all be over by then#fucking hell#and then if they don't grant me the redos i'm going to fail my year :)#and have to redo it next year at home#argh#the more i think about it the more i get less. viscerally disgusted by the concept#it's just... man i don't want my luck to be coming to an end#i guess in some ways it's admirable i've been pushing my limits this far and i'm doing so well outside of schoolwork#but nobody else except me my family and my friends see it like that#anyway. off to submit special cons again for another assignment. i hate this#wow i have a ramble tag now
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spad-u-like.....
#whatever happened to spud-u-like. did it go bust i'm assuming so#never went in there but it really channeled something from the outside. is there anything more visceral than a miserable british person#eating a lukewarm jacket potato under flourescent lights in a shopping centre with far better food outlets literally ten steps away#the missing dosac files
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If you don’t already know, I have a thing about hero-villain dynamics, I love them and usually am obsessed with them
I’ve been rewatching a lot of rwby recently, so I can’t stop thinking about Cinder and Ruby’s dynamic while also thinking about Tomura and Izuku. I’m not comparing, I’m just on total brainrot with these two dynamics from separate shows
So now I’ve got double the hero and villain brainrot going on in my mind lmao
#i've watched so much rwby lately that i've actually been imagining what tomura and izuku would look like in rwby's animation nidufnisdkmfsd#like. v6 onwards animation#i love the double brainrots too because like. i like ruby and cinders dynamic as well as izuku and tomura's#difference is tho - as much as izuku and tomura fight each other they also have intentions towards the other. roles that we can SEE#in their actions#e.g. fighting each other but tomura wanting to be saved and izuku wanting to save him#like there's just A LOT to their relationship#meanwhile ruby and cinder... hate each other lol#to the point where they trigger each other#and currently its specifically cinder who has such a visceral reaction to ruby's presence#because she is both obsessed with her AND scared of her power#more accurately she is scared of losing and feeling helpless again#like it definitely can be argued that they are still in the beginnings stage of whatever crwby has cooked up for cinder#but i just find it funny that from what i've watched so far#im obsessed with these two pairs#and they couldn't have more different reactions to their hero-villain's presence lol#(well cinder and ruby are more like antagonist-protagonist but yeah)#mettys posts#metty posts
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Weirder question: what would the characters smell like?
A couple days ago I was selling stuff in a parking lot on a hot day. At the end of the day, we were packing up and I discovered that my arm hairs had collected mineral dust from the soft breeze and thus I smelled like the dust. I have brain worms and so thought: huh, I bet Knack would smell like [a parking lot when it rains].
And Ryder would wear some sort of woodsy cologne, since he's one of those TV personalities, right? And sweaty, depending on how recently he's done an expedition.
My brother and I agree this time: Lucas would smell like a teenager...
Although after a shower, I think he'd probably smell like some generic men's soap, but I'm not quite satisfied with that answer somehow. Suggestions?
Doctor Vargas would smell obnoxiously like whatever hair gel he uses. I'm imagining a bitter chemical scent. My brother also says he would smell like chemicals. What else would he smell like (genuine question)?
Charlotte would wear something sensible and clean, maybe a little floral, but it would not overpower the lingering scent of motor oil or other such chemicals in her line of work.
Viktor would wear some super pretentious fragrance idk. Like, Elon's Musk or something. If you were to interview him, you'd be like, yeah, this guy smells like a billionaire robotics industrialist. Maybe a hint of leather or shoe polish.
Ava is purple, so she would smell like lavender. And a bit like coconut since I have somewhat wavy or curly hair and heard that coconut oil is a popular hair-care substance for very curly hair.
Gundahar would smell like, uhh, I want to say something citrus or rose water, a rather light scent, and sweaty because of the armor. Also like an old man.
Rothari seems like the kind of guy to go heavy on the flower scent, but I'm not sure. He would also smell old. I'm assuming Elders or those eligible are old.
Not sure what Katrina would smell like. Thoughts? Maybe some kind of fruit, but that's not specific.
Or Xander. I think I saw someone have an opinion on that.
Who else am I forgetting? Robo Knack would smell like lubricant or nothing. Morgack would either smell like nothing but goose dander (or some other bird dander) from the feathers on his armor in addition to leather, or incredibly rank and even bloody. I imagine most goblins are actually very clean, despite the stereotype otherwise. But working hard makes you sweaty, and that's just how it is.
#text post#knack knack#Ryder knack#Lucas knack#Charlotte knack#Doctor Vargas knack#Ava knack#Gundahar knack#Rothari knack#Viktor knack#Elon musk mention#Morgack knack#Robo Knack#character scents#character smells#been very interested in sensory perception lately. I'm obsessed with fruit.#do you think Knack is able to detect scents#given the sniffing gesture he made when Lucas said goblins are smelly?#question#blood mention#deja vu#but then he also has a tongue and no digestive system like what's he gonna use that for?#my guess is that it leans a bit more into the ghost idea and/or that's just how majik do.#I have such a visceral creeped out reaction to the ghost thing and I'm not sure why. it doesn’t necessarily ruin my plans or anything#my skin just starts crawling.#thanks for reading my ramble if you got this far.#discoknack (me)
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ROLLIN INTO UR INBOX WITH MY MONUMENT MYTHOS PROPOGANDA. IT'S MY FAOURITE HORROR SERIES EVER ASIDE FROM LIKE MARBLE HORNETS PROBABLY. ok the first video is alled Cornerfolk and it seems unrelated to the rest of it but TRUST ME IT'LL TIE INTO THE PLOT I PROMISE. it's like. weird things with monuments around the world. the washington monument leads to another dimension. something is hiding in the statue of liberty. the evergiven got stuck in the suez canal and got hit with a nuke so now it's radioactive and walking around cairo. the pyramids are the tips of giant washington monuments (i think?? can't remember what the pyramids are tbh it's been a while since i watched it). there's so MUCH so if you want something to watch that'll keep ur brain confused but very intrigued i would highly recommend it!!! after Monument Mythos is its second season/sister series The Nixonverse, and then s3 is back to the name Monument Mythos so just. GO TO THE CHANNEL MISTER MANTICORE AND WATCH EVERY VIDEO IN ORDER!!! there are like 52 of them including a couple trailers u can skip over but IT'S SO GOOD!!!!!! WATCH ITTTTT
OHHH NY GOD THIS HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY INBOX FOR LIKE A MONTH AND A HALF NOW IM SO SORRY. I FINALLY STARTED WATCHING THIS TODAY i just finished season 1 and hooooly shit dude im SO intrigued. the visuals are sorta similar to ghe but in like a different context which makes them sooooooo fucking cool and interesting. i dont give a SHIT about american history but hoo boy i am so invested in president james dean and the weird floppy washington monument and fuckin. fungus trees and moving statues. i wanna know who tf keeps vandalizing national monuments because its all the same handwriting. oooaugh. im so intrigued. hell yeah make those statues fucked up!
#im also loving the naming conventions for each of the videos. the alliteration + no spacing is fun to me. tickles my brain#libertylurker.... rushmorerevenge... lincolnlooker... theyre just FUN i love it#I ALSO??? REALLY HOPE THE CORNERFOLK COME BACK THATS BEEN MY FAVORITE VIDEO SO FAR.#every video im like. are the cornerfolk here. i want to see more of the cornerfolk. where are they. theyre just weird little freaks#when i say its similar to ghe i dont mean that in like. a derisive way. i fucking love it.#the special tree and the weird infection things are visually similar to the natures mockery and plants from ghe#and i think thays soooo interesting. i love that aesthetic like. weird fleshy looking growths. its so visceral and scary and i LOVE IT .#also the grainy videos + zooming in and out like. idk!!! its similar and i love it for that.#hell yeah two cakes moment.#ANYWAY. THANK U FOR THE PROPAGANDA IM FINALLY FALLING FOR IT <333#friends!!!#asks#anachronistic-falsehood
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its a little funny how my dad kept being like "ooh ur gonna be so good at elden ring u were great at parrying the guardians in botw" and as it turns out.. im pretty decent at parrying in bloodborne!
#back in like 2017 i um. i learned how to parry botw guardian beams & perfect dodge lynels FOR FUN.#I SOUGHT THEM OUT#i would not rest until every guardian/lynel was dead and then following the next blood moon i did it AGAIN#like 12/13 year old me was INSANE.#my dad saw this. of course. pretty recently even because my stepbrother asked for help a few months ago (with master mode)#my dad. also. adores elden ring#and he kept saying it. yk. 'youd be so good at elden ring'#IM NOT. IM NOT GOOD AT ELDEN RING.#i only beat margit & godrick bc of the rotten stray ashes my stepmom got for me and got stuck at the WOLF.#parrying in bloodborne is so good#its so satisfying when u hear the noise & do the visceral#i havent put that much time into either of them but so far.. i like bloodborne more than elden ring#but maybe thats just margit's 3 year wind-ups giving er a bad rep right. ....right
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before i actually go through the phantom hourglass manga to critique it i’m going to quickly just toss out a bullet point list of things i actually liked in the ph manga
- i like how the stuff w/ tetra in the first chapter not only sets her up but serves to contrast how she is as a captain vs. how linebeck initially is as a captain. the line ‘as captain, nothing is more important than the lives of my crew’ specifically
- link’s cute. hes just a little guy
- i’m a big fan of the added detail that linebeck tends to stick out his bottom lip. it fits really well with his character. as a smaller side note i like the way his nose is drawn. i just like the shape they went with lol
- the bit with the point card for eddo’s garage that is specifically noted to be Not In The Video Game is good
- for all intents and purposes what is done with the bellumbeck fight is really good
thats it everything else i either feel neutral about or hate/feel frustrated with
#salty talks#bitching about the loz manga#anyways i think its also worth adding some of my personal opinions about ph in general to add some context for my later opinions#i dont like jolene. like to a visceral degree. i dont know why but im physically incapable of enjoying her.#which is bizarre bc like??? i think griffith is a great character i think makima is fascinating. but jolene ph is the one i cannot stand#i hate her because i think she's fucking annoying and isn't justified in half of what she does but like. why the visceral hatred. idk#maybe its a side effect of my rabid linebeck special interest. anyways sorry i think shes awful#in all fairness tho to me shes actually better in the manga#also. i dont actually like fatherly linebeck stuff much and dont read him as being fatherly towards link so i wont talk abt that stuff#uhhh i think linebecks arc in the game is really good and i also think that the normal order of the three final bosses is great#i also think that the second half of the game has some good stuff in it even if it's less plot-heavy compared to the first half#i think that phantom hourglass has genuine unique potential to be fantastic if given an extended adaptation that gives a shit#and that is partially why im going to spend a bit more time on this one#i will also say that despite whatever i say abt this one i do admit that i like and appreciate it. it still has problems tho#why'd they do astrid like that. i dont like manga astrid. i dont like her design or most of her dialogue.#why was she weird to linebeck like that. be nice to him. hes clearly gay#as far as im concerned at least
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