#this is exactly how i felt last time i got sick with covid and i Cannot afford another late start ; ; ; ; | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

Visit Blog

Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.

Fun Fact

Tumblr’s reach among the 26-to-35-year-olds in the US is 11%.

#this is exactly how i felt last time i got sick with covid and i Cannot afford another late start ; ; ; ;

urf1lterr · 1 year

Text

lovesick | pedro pascal [3]

"and on this night and in this light i think im falling, im falling for you."

next chapter: [4] previous chapter: [2] series masterlist

summary: in which a 1975-obsessed film student accidentally falls in love with an older man she can't have.

pairing: actor!pedro x intern!reader

genre: acting world!au, big age-gap!, strangers to friends- maybe lovers?? au | angst, mature, awkward, love- eventually

word count: 5.7k

status: in progress

author's note: in my head i have a certain way this story ends- but thats farrrr from this chapter. i couldn't stop laughing while writing this. i might have to rethink my ending bc i don't wanna make this series looooong. not edited.

Brutal banging on your bedroom door was not how you imagined to be awakened, especially when you were barely endearing maybe four hours of sleep.

Jolting up, you could feel your shoulders begin to ache as your severely tangled hair got stuck on the insides of your shirt. The shades in your room being shut, you had no sunlight whatsoever so you weren't sure what time it was.

Not like you needed to be anywhere important on a Wednesday- not until later anyway. Wednesday's were your arranged day off from school so you made sure to plan something productive to not feel more useless as you already were.

Typically, you were scheduled to work on these days- but we all know how that ended.

Thinking about your unemployment status aggravated you. The same day you were told you were going to be cut was actually your last despite being scheduled for the rest of that remaining week.

Oh how you wish you could say you didn't show up because of your stubbornness.

But frankly you had covid.

Not only did that job fire you, but they gave you a thoughtful farewell gift of a deadly virus to remember them goodbye.

Guess they took their storyline a little too seriously.

However, you did receive a few texts from your old coworkers wishing you well. At first, you wondered if Finn disclosed your personal medical information after you contacted him, but Jules admitted to doing so, swearing she only told Joon with the likelihood someone overheard and the rest was history.

Sadly, you barely talked to Pedro and Bella anymore.

The duo did reach out once they discovered you were sick and Bella would occasionally send you tiktoks at the most randomly times. But again, occasionally.

Pedro, on the other hand, never got back in touch after his 'feel better' text.

You weren't exactly distraught over it, it wasn't like you two made it your mission as friends to go out every day. But the thing was, you still did that when you worked together. Barely seeing him for a few seconds on some days in the past still meant you got to see him, but now you don't.

And strangely you miss him.

You always heard your coworkers discuss how considerate and down to Earth he was whenever they managed to work with him and you agreed. All the stories of him being one of the rarest, mindful human beings were true.

He was always the one spamming you with texts, but the only messages you received now were from your roommate, Joon, or the deals sent by your favorite food places.

But you weren't going to think too much of it. He's an adult, his days are always scheduled with new projects. You can't blame him for not making time for you.

Two weeks later here you were, using your extra free time to your advantage to stay up past midnight watching shows like Hell's Kitchen while eating ramen noodles.

The only con was you had the tendency to wake up late all the time.

Yanking the warm covers off your body, you slowly slip out of bed trying not to hit your desk by how poor your vision was at the moment. Opening your door, you give daggers to the other person behind it. "Is there a reason why you felt attempting to break my door was necessary?"

Jules sheepishly smiled, lightly rubbing the door in remorse before continuing. "I just wanted to remind you about our study date!"

"That's at 11."

"It's 10:32," she replied, pulling her phone out and showing you.

Gasping, you shut the door in her face before searching for clothes to wear. How could you possibly sleep in?

Actually, it was quite easy with American Horror Story having amazing plot twists. You decided to switch up your late night shows every now and then to spice things up.

But you were certain you turned on your alarm the night before. You must have slept through them. Damn, you were turning into Jules.

Quickly running to the bathroom to take a quick shower, you managed to finish the rest of your routine with ten minutes left to spare. You were certainly glad you could always count on the city's nonstop traffic as an excuse for your late arrivals.

Once you were able to catch a cab, which was a tremendous struggle considering your hand signals weren't clear enough to apprehend, Jules and you made it to a coffee shop a few streets away.

Being your designated place to study, you had to introduce Joon to it. He was practically the fifth member of the group, the third one being one of Jules' friend you frequently talked to and the fourth being the one you shared with Joon.

The best part about this cafe would have to be that it was two stories. You guess you could say you used the upstairs room conveniently when it came to debating, definitely not being afraid to raise your voice when your friends believed disagreeing with your opinions was acceptable.

"I didn't know a triple meant three shots of espresso," Joon pulled a disgusted face as Jules and you arrived to your familiar large booth. Sliding right next to him, you saw the coffee he was drinking was extremely dark. "I thought it meant three shots of creamer."

"For a guy who is phenomenally smart, you are phenomenally stupid," you heard your shared friend, Yoongi, comment after looking up from his notes.

The next hour consisted of the five of you centralizing your attention on your individual work before you decided you wanted to buy a coffee as your energy slowly drained away.

Walking down the stairs and placing a swift order, you stood to the side of the counter waiting as they prepared it. Scrolling through your phone to pass the short time, you felt someone near you.

"Hey, covid girl!" you heard a man exclaim, causing you to rush and shush him before the customers begin giving you the eye. "Long time no see."

"Don't expose me like that! I'm negative," you flush, tapping your fingers on your face to cool it down.

"Don't expose me," he clarifies, taking two steps back. "You're the one who's sick."

"Was," you groan, not standing for his teasing this morning. "Stop messing me with me, Nick. I am just a tired, broke college student who can't take anymore mocking in their life."

Nick chuckles, not denying that may be the case. He understands how you're feeling, he was once a student and knows how stressful it can be. Honestly, he can only imagine how tough it is now compared to when he last attended.

Inflation was no joke.

"I take it you're studying?" he eyes the large black frames on your head and the thick headphones around your neck. You only nod, making him laugh. "Very studious I see, it's a shame they let you go even after I told them not to. You could've done our taxes."

Pulling a forced smile, you just raise your right shoulder slightly not really wanting to talk about it much.

"Good thing I am very understanding," you joke.

"Hell, I wouldn't be," he curses, shaking his head briskly. "The least they could've done was offer another position while we left the country."

"When are you guys leaving anyway?'"

He looks up at the ceiling, trying hard to remember the exact date before clapping his hands. "The 3rd of next month."

"Three weeks from now? Are you ready for the cold and the snow?" you laugh as he shakes his head.

"Dealt with it growing up, don't wanna do it again," he groans before a barista calls out his name for his coffee. He excuses himself for a minute, grabbing the coffee along with a few napkins before walking back to you. "Have to get back to filming, they only gave me a half an hour break before we change scenes. Good look in university, kiddo. If you ever need anything you always have my number."

With that, he retreated back outside but not before sending you one final wave. You loathed the fact you missed them, but you had to get over it.

Grabbing your coffee once your name was called, you walked back up the stairs to find your friends staring at their own laptops as if they were going to breakdown in tears any second.

"When I tell you I would rather give up one of kidneys than learn about screenwriting," Jules weeps, pulling her hair in distress. "I just wanna tell people what to do, not write stories."

And that's how your whole study session went, one of you having your own malfunctions for the next few hours before the five of you agreed to end it.

"I am going to get a refill, meet you by the door?" Jules asked as you packed up your school belongings. You nodded, allowing her to walk downstairs with her friend as you stayed behind with the two other boys.

"I need to go to the bathroom," Joon called out as the three of you were making your way down the stairs. "I'll be out in a jiffy."

With that, Yoongi and you were stuck around a large crowd of customers trying to get their coffees in this 5 o'clock chilly evening. And one thing about these customers, they loved to push.

"If one more person hits my arm a brawl will unfold," Yoongi proclaims, making sure to raise his voice a bit to make his point come across. Which did nothing as he was granted another push in his arm in return.

Moving you head towards the exit, you made it clear to Yoongi that you two were better off just waiting outside unless you wanted to continue being compressed by total strangers whose been god knows where.

Feeling Yoongi's loss of touch from your shoulder, you sensed a group of friends rudely crossing between you both in order to make it to the front of the shop.

It amazed you how people had no manners in public places.

"Ah!" you shriek, feeling somebody aimlessly hit your body hard, knocking the wind out of you as you fell on your side.

That was until arms wrapped tightly under your upper arms, barely being able to stop your whole body from touching the ground as you felt you legs lay across the cold floor.

With the strong pair of arms effectively pulling you up, it caused you to slam your body against their unknown chest as the mob of customers didn't seem to die down any time soon.

Trying to find some stability, your eyes widened as your peripheral vision was met with a broad chest that you were too scared to figure discover who it belonged to.

This could either end with you meeting the love of you life or encountering a complete weirdo.

Moving your gaze upwards, you were met with familiar brown eyes that creased slightly as a gentle smile was released.

Okay, the second option was indeed your answer.

"Pedro? You fucking scared me!" you pushed him away, slapping his chest as he whined in response, clutching it in pain. "I was going to grab my pepper spray!"

"I see you're still satan," he glared as you crossed your arms. "No 'thank you for saving my severely mentally mad life from the mass of people who could've stamped over me'?"

Expressing an infuriated expression as he scared you, you begin to walk away from him but he quickly pulls you back into his arms and stares down at you. "Why are you leaving?"

"My friends are outside," you declare as he peers over the crowd to see who you were talking about.

He glances back down at you before pushing you straight by your waist, causing you to trust his guidance as he directed you backwards until you were against one of the walls to avoid being crushed again.

"Wait, my friends-"

"You wear glasses?" he slightly grasps the frames propped on your face, generating a strike from you. "What a dweeb you are."

"Isn't this a question you can ask through text?" you remark, causing him to purse his lips at how mediocre you were being.

"Oh come on, kid! I haven't seen you in weeks, it's my right to ask questions," he defends, giving you a staggering look as you sighed.

"And my glasses were the first thing that came to mind? Very clever."

"Would you rather me ask why we say 'cool' when it's not really cold?"

Studying his face in pure boredom, you set out to march past him but he pushes your shoulders back again, forcing you to stay put. "Sorry! Just trying to lighten the mood."

Scanning past him, you tried to locate your friends but to no luck they were absent. Glancing back up at him, you take a deep breath. "I really have to go before they leave me stranded a-."

"I can take you home," he instantly speaks up. "I know where you live remember."

Laughing, you disagree with his proposal. You arrived with Jules, you were leaving with her. But you were curious as to why he hasn't left you alone. It surely couldn't be just to chat about corny jokes-

Actually, you've had many of those conversions in the past.

"Is there a reason why you aren't letting me escape?" you blurt out, making him tilt his head suspiciously, trying to figure out what you were speculating.

His body language became edgy as he motioned his palm out in front of you. "I just so happened to drop by for some coffee and ended up being tackled by you," he confessed, making you scoff. "We haven't talked for some time, I wanted to check up and see how you were doing."

"I am as happy as a clam," you let out a radiant smile, making him squint his eyes and direct them to the side.

"English, please?" he pleaded.

"It means I am very happy," you respond, standing up straighter as he questioned you longer with his eyes as if he didn't believe a single word you were saying. "Everybody knows that expression."

"They really don't," he denies, giving you an awkward smile by your strange dialogue. "Anywho, I've been wanting to talk to you."

"Then why didn't you call?" you accidentally spit out, shutting your mouth as you grasped how bitter it came out.

He caught onto the sound of your tone, registering how unhappy you must've been for abandoning you friendship after strongly bonding for two months.

But he couldn't let you believe he did it on purpose, he had a reason. One that he was finally going to disclose after fighting battles until it was finally approved. "I was preoccupied with something else, I really am sorry," he apologized. "But I was going to reach out today."

Uncomfortably shrugging, you don't put too much thought into it. You didn't want him to assume you were upset, but you had a feeling he could sense it by how tense you were becoming.

"For what?"

He looked around before averting his eyes back to your own, grinning widely. "So I think there's a chance you'd be able to get your internship back."

Standing up straighter, you stared at him dumbfounded. What the hell was he talking about?

"How? They already terminated our useless contracts," you argue. "Why hassle making another one."

"Work for me," he ignores your sour tone, getting straight to the point.

This was why he didn't have time to communicate. Too busy trying to find ways to convince his own boss to keep you, it led to him being in a bad mood after failing each attempt.

He couldn't talk to you knowing his plan went wrong.

After the constant begging, whines, and even going out of his way to format a ridiculous petition as to why you should stay, which centers all interns because he didn't want to throw himself under the bus for you- the main producer eventually gave in.

"You want me to work for you here when you're leaving the country in a few weeks?" you narrow your eyes, confused as to how that was going to work out in the end.

"I was going to sneak you into my suitcase."

"What in the world are you rambling about?" you exhaled sharply.

Pedro grinned brightly as he held onto your shoulders again, "Come with us to Canada."

"No," you quickly answer, not even processing fully but you knew it could never happen.

There was no possible way you could ever go through with this. For one, you can't even leave the country. You parents were so strict they'll probably smuggle drugs in your luggage so you'll be gunned down and locked into the country.

Second, well there really isn't another reason- your parents were enough.

"Oh come on," he whined. "It'll be great! You'll gain so much experience like you've been wanting. Plus, you'd do more hands-on work with the film crew. Think of it as a student exchange program."

"That's literally not what a student exchange program is."

"Stop rejecting the idea. You go to school here, yeah? I assume you're taking classes online because you basically lived at the studio," he implied and you slowly nodded. "We can adjust your schedule to where you'd have time to work and focus on school."

Silently looking to the table nearby, you began digesting what he was going on about. It wasn't a bad idea, but it wasn't an easy one either. "My parents would never let me."

"Give me their number and I'll convince them," he persuades and you sway you head. You wanted to laugh in his face if he really believed he could make your parents agree.

"No," you fight back, watching him exhale loudly by how restrained you were being. "I k-"

"What would Matt Healy do?"

Immediately shutting your mouth, you freeze as he catches you off guard. He did not come to play and knew you well enough to use your weaknesses against you.

He knows Matt Healy would easily agree- that man was literally the devil's spawn.

And god, you just knew Matt would be disappointed in you if you didn't go.

Curse you and your infatuation over this short English man.

Luckily, your thoughts disappeared as you felt a tap on your arm. Looking up, you see Yoongi breathing heavily as Pedro eyes him, unsure if you knew him.

"There you are, I've been looking for you everywhere! My god the lecture your friend gave me about losing you-" he groaned, shivering. "-I was certain she was gonna file a police report."

Slowly averting his eyes to the older man beside you, Yoongi's face fills with curiosity. "Hey, aren't you that one guy from that Netflix show..." he stops, looking up as he tried hard remembering the name. "Narcos!"

Pedro's eyes shoot open as he tries to innocently stretch his body, purposely blocking your view of him, "No." Secretly waving his palm across his neck, he sends Yoongi daggers to keep quiet. Stiffly turning to you, he becomes flustered. "But don't watch that show."

Raising a brow, you decide to drop the random topic and focus your attention back to your friend until you heard another person shriek. The three of you searching to where it came from, you find Namjoon stumble between people, trying his hardest not to fall face first on the floor.

"A jiffy later and I'm back," Joon winks once he's released from the mass.

Pedro scrunches his face. "Jiffy?"

Joon breaks out into smiles once he notices who was with Yoongi and you. "Oh my gosh! What are you doing here? Did you miss us that much?"

"I don't think it was you he missed," Yoongi muttered, making Pedro send him a questionable glance and Joon tilt his head, not sure what he meant.

Wanting to leave this now weirder conversation, you step forward and grab onto Yoongi's shoulder. "Let's go, I wanna breathe." Turning your attention back to Pedro, he swiftly moved his eyes from your hand to your own. "Text me if you need anything else."

"Only you," he sends you a cheeky smile making you blush by how nice he was being. Yoongi glanced at the two of you, dazed as what you two were implying.

Staring at him, you waited for him to say his farewells first so everybody could leave already. Waiting for one, you never received anything but his quiet stance and gaze stuck on you.

It felt strange not feeling the strength to walk away- not even the strength but the need to go anymore as you couldn't take your eyes off him. It also wasn't only you as he couldn't help but bear comfort from the sight of you.

It felt like the both of you were interacting to each other in your minds.

"Are you having a staring contest?" Joon questioned, making your your consciousness come back to life as you looked back at him. Pedro's gaze weakened, but they were still on you as yours was unfortunately long forgotten.

"No," you laughed, now gripping onto Yoongi harder. "But seriously, let's get out of here. See you whenever, Pedro."

Watching as you stayed close to your guy friends in hopes of being secured through the populated room, he sighed to himself. He was sure your friends might confess their own intuitions to you and perceive him as a creep.

The sad part was he knew why your particular friend would have his suspicions. He never knew his age would have that much of an effect, but he never hung out with people that young before unless it was for a project.

Shaking these thoughts away from his head, he chuckled to himself. He shouldn't care about what other people thought, the two of you never engaged in anything but friendly encounters.

He just despised his gut feeling as if he was doing something wrong. People are making him feel this way, that was guaranteed.

But he feels awful how he keeps trying to find ways to see you, too embarrassed to think about the things he done just to see you for not even a minute.

He's just never had a friend like you before. It was nice.

"I can't believe he's offering us a job like that!" Jules exclaimed as Joon and you nodded. Yoongi lived in the opposite direction so he made his departure a few minutes ago as well as her friend. "I can't go."

Widening your eyes, you stared at her. "What? Why?"

She laughs before pointing at herself. "You think I'll be able to properly manage school and work in another country? I barely did that these last two months- I'll just be partying it up at hockey games eating gravy with fries."

"You mean poutine," Joon corrected.

"Same thing," she rolled her eyes. "All I'm saying is, being home made me realize how much I love sleeping. I would rather give that up when I graduate and actually have a real adult job."

She did have a point, she really enjoyed her naps.

"I'll consider it," Joon spoke up, putting his hands inside his hoodie as the three of you continued walking. "Doesn't sound too bad, it'll look good on resumes."

Smiling, you nodded. You weren't sure why you even dared to be happy about this when you were the one wanting nothing to do with the idea not even a half an hour ago.

You just knew your lord was giving you a disapproving glare from the clouds.

Within the next 20 minutes, Joon went his separate way home as Jules and you arrived in front of your shared apartment. Rushing to the bathroom, your roommate excused herself for the next hour for her 'needed' relaxation.

In other words, a bubble bath.

Turning on the tv, you sat down on the couch swiping through boring news channels until you decided to switch to Netflix. You still had to make time for Evan Peters before the night ended.

Clicking on the current season you were on, Freak Show, you began thinking about how massive Evan Peter's hands were. How can his girlfriends survive.

The thought freaked you out, this really was a freak show.

Soon, the next episode began featuring Twisty the clown more and you were terrified by how huge he was. He could crush you with a flick of his fingers.

Knocks on your door alarmed you, making you slightly jump and look towards the bathroom. Your roommate's music was softly playing in the background meaning she probably couldn't hear the blows on the door.

Slowly standing up, you grab the bat you keep near the door, in case someone tries viciously murdering you in your doorway, and go on your tiptoes to see what kind of stranger needed to pay a visit in the middle of the night.

Well, it wasn't even 7 o'clock in the evening yet but you get the point.

Gasping at the sight presented through your little peep hole, you promptly unlock the handles before extending the large door wide. "And why exactly are you here? Miss me that much?" you tease.

Not receiving an answer, you scoff. "Are you really giving me the silent treatment? You're hurting my feelings."

When he didn't react to that either, you felt your face drop. Slowly striding towards him, you notice his head was low as he stared at his shoes. Placing your right palm softly on his left shoulder, you felt him glance up.

Did something happen during your short time apart? Was he in trouble?

Knowing it was really you in front of him, Pedro lunged his body onto yours before you could stop and think about what was happening. Colliding his lips upon yours, you felt your thoughts drift away as he steadily moved forward and made his way inside your warm apartment.

Stopping to swiftly shut the door, you had no time to take in a full breathe before his mouth found yours again. Clutching the back of his head, probably pulling his hair out, you groan as his nails claw your exposed waist, your shirt slowly inching up more and more as the seconds went up. Slipping his tongue inside you, you felt the way his nose hit yours as dominance took over.

He wanted to control all of you.

It wasn't until your legs began wobbling from the long standing when his hands lost your waist, instantly making contact with the back of your thighs, squeezing them, soon allowing them to suffocate his sides. Following his lead, you pull your lips back before diving them to the corner of his jaw as he groaned, walking to god knows where.

You figured out where once you shrieked as your back made contact with your couch, his palms widening your legs in a hurry before situating himself on top of you. Surprisingly, the difference of weight wasn't an issue as he clinged harder against you, moving his hand behind your neck to pull it down, making sure to make you feel the pain of the slight hair tugging.

"What are y-" you softly choke, voice coming out in whimpers as he ignored you. Latching his lips to the top of your chin, he stuck his tongue out, dragging it gradually down your neck as your back arched, needing to feel closer to him if that was even possible. Your wish was his command as he hastily pressed himself against you, making you groan in surprise.

Making his way lower, he passes your neck down to your chest while his hands found their to your collarbone, smoothly rubbing the area up and down before clutching onto it harshly as he continue down his path. Something about the way his soft fingertips applying pressure near your neck as his lips kept kissing the rest of your body had you in wonders. You couldn't believe this was happening.

It wasn't until you felt his mouth near your exposed waist that made you completely lose it. You had long forgotten that Jules was in the room next door when you gasped, feeling his teeth swipe against your skin. "Shhh," he whispered against your lips as a way to silence you. "Don't want to let your friend know I'm here now, do we?"

You could only stammer shaky sounds as he planted a few more deep kisses, slowly pulling away and feeling the wetness of both your mouths descend down. He gave you one last dark gaze before returning his mouth on yours, loving the feeling of the dampness between your faces.

His mouth opening wider, he began intensively tasting you, swiping his tongue around your lips as you tried to keep up with his eagerness. Not giving you much time to catch his pace, you could feel how wet he was making you.

No, he was literally drowning your face.

Pulling back, you squint your eyes and take a few seconds to adjust to the poor lighting in your living room. You were met with dark, green eyes.

Lady Gaga.

Shrieking, you grab the black, green-eyed demon on top of you and throw her off, causing her to let out a loud hiss with the immediate sounds of footsteps following afterwards.

"Lady Gaga!" you hear Jules squeal in her pink robe, wrapping the nauseating cat in her arms before turning to you, giving you a look of rage. "Did you throw her?!"

"She licked me!"

Jules scoffed harshly before hurling a nearby pillow at you, allowing it to hit your face in full force before stomping back to her door and violently slamming it shut.

You fucking hated that cat.

Laying back against the couch, you rubbed your red face in humiliation. Not only did you have an intense dream about Pedro but you're pretty sure you just had a full on make-out session with a cat.

Groaning, you couldn't believe what was happening to you. Why would you dream about him-

No- why would you have one doing not so child friendly activities?!

You just know you'll never be able to face him with a straight face, too embarrassed to even be near him now without thinking about this moment.

It wasn't even like you thought about him in that way- you didn't.

Maybe your time of the month was approaching or you were in desperate need of a date because there's no way any normal human being would fantasize over some older man that way.

Okay, maybe it was possible.

But that was definitely not you...even though you just did. Although, you did see the comparison between him and Lady Gaga.

They looked kind of alike- right? Same whiskers.

One thing that was certain was you were never going to tell anybody about this. If people believed for one second you had feelings for him, which you don't, you'll never hear the end of it.

He was not your type nor close to your age. It would never happen.

Sighing, you close your eyes and silently send out a prayer to not engage in another session with the demonic cat. Maybe sleep will make you think clearly once awoken and abolish all these wild concepts floating through your head.

But once you were actually awoken, your mind still wasn't clear- or maybe it was because the pounding on your door ultimately pulled you from your slumber.

Stretching your arms, you scratch the top of your head as you try to open your eyes but it was no use, you were way too tired to fully engage with anybody right now.

Completely avoiding looking through the peep hole, which was a red flag on your part, you swing the door open to find a man who looked like Pedro standing on the other side of it.

Groaning aloud, you slap yourself as he takes this by surprised, not sure why you just did that.

How are you having another dream about him? Was this the bad luck needed after scoring tickets to your favorite band? Is this some kind of sick revenge someone has against you?

Pointing at Lady Gaga, who was dressed up as Pedro, you rudely spit out the words needed to be said. "You are just a cat. Nothing happened between us."

With that, you step back inside, ignoring Lady Gaga's attempts of trying to gain your attention by waving their arms in front of you. Making your way to your room, you see Jules walk out of hers.

"Who was that at the door?" she questions, hearing another round of knocks appear.

You tiredly wave your hand in nonsense, denying that thought. "It was Lady Gaga, go back to bed."

Jules sends you a bewildered look as you enter your bedroom and face-plant on your cozy bed, allowing sleep to reel you back in. Turning her head, she looks at Lady Gaga who was sitting casually by her bedroom door.

"She is turning fucking nuts," she whispers to herself before swiftly opening the door to reveal a very confused Pedro. "What's up?"

Pedro's concerned face takes over his actions as he jumps to his eager questions. "Is y/n okay? She thought I was a cat."

Jules shrugs, rubbing her eyes with her palm. "Who knows, I think she's getting over her coffee hangover."

Pedro carefully nods, still skeptical as to what happened to you. What did you mean nothing happened between you two? Did something happen that he wasn't aware of?

Were you hiding something from him?

Gracelessly gesturing his leave, Pedro walked quickly down the hall as Jules stood there for a moment too tired to comprehend why he paid the apartment a visit this early in the morning. The sun was barely out, why did he come?

After shutting the door and taking a seat on the couch, she laid back and stared at the ceiling. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but for some reason a strange intellect emerged out of nowhere.

She shrugged it off, instantaneously knocking out, too exhausted to conquer her suspicions.

taglist: @thesapphirequeen @floralsightings @wrathofcats

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal imagine #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal x y/n #pedro pascal x you #joel miller #tlou #tlou joel #pascalispunk #joel miller x reader #the last of us #pedro pascal angst #pedro pascal fluff #pedropascaledit #fanfiction

490 notes · View notes

strawwritesfic · 9 days

Text

Vongola Guardians Taking Care of You Headcanons

Hey, guys! I'm sick again! So you know what that means...dopey headcanons about fictional guys taking care of you, their S/O, when you're sick!

I did it for the Avengers last time, so let's apply it to my current hyperfixation this time around.

Note that this is all regarding the adult versions of the cast, and we are not working with A) COVID (because it's too real) or B) The in-universe original TYL!Time Line (because I don't feel like dealing with the whole Millifiore situation).

Tsuna Sawada

Tsuna's got a lot of work to do, running the Vongola, but that doesn't mean he's going to ignore you when you're sick. In fact, you being sick is probably enough of a distraction that he's not going to get that work done anyway--and he's definitely not above using you getting sick as an excuse to get away from his responsibilities for a little while. If it's really something important, of course he'll do it. Otherwise, he's with you all the way. Unfortunately, Tsuna's kind of useless as a caregiver. His heart is in the right place, but he's not entirely sure what to do, and if he tries to do something, it typically winds up spilled all over you. What he can do is that neat trick with his sky flame on his finger on your forehead. When you can't sleep, that's your ticket to dreamland. Except that once he did that, and you slept for two straight days. Everyone was very worried. Reborn congratulated him on sending his S/O into a coma. When you did wake up, you felt much better, but he's reluctant to try it again. Good thing that his company is enough to make you feel a little better most of the time.

Hayato Gokudera

This is the guy that researches every single symptom you have. He's got medical textbooks. He's got WebMD's symptom checker. He's got...books on exorcisms? So not everything he's going to try is necessarily scientifically accurate. And he's not going to let you rest either, because he's got an enormous whiteboard covered in diagrams of all his research. He even wants to dictate the way you sleep, because he's figured out the only way to do it that will actually get you better! And if you don't let him try to get rid of the evil spirits inhabiting you at least once, you're probably going to wake up in the middle of the night surrounded by candles while he stands by the bed chanting. At least the minute Tsuna needs him, he's gone, so you'll get some peace and quiet.

But Gokudera does make some amazing okayu. It's the worst okayu you've ever tasted. At first, you might wonder if Bianchi's the one that made it. But even though it tastes incredibly awful, it does actually make you feel better. it almost makes him playing nurse worth it from time to time.

Ryohei Sasagawa

Ryohei has probably never had a sick day in his entire life. If he had a cold, he just EXTREMED it out of his system, and that's exactly what he expects you to do, too. You can't let the cold win! You have to get up! You have to get up before sunrise! You have to go for a ten-mile run before sunrise! You have to go for a ten-mile run while carrying cinderblocks in both hands before sunrise! Show your illness how EXTREME you are, and you will never be sick again a day in your life! He's not making you do all of this alone. Ryohei is right there with you, doing the exact same thing but with a lot more enthusiasm. It's exausting.

Thankfully, he's got Kyoko around. Once she realizes what's going on, she can rescue you. She knows how to take care of sick people, and she'll get you set up in a nice, dark room with whatever you need, and she and Haru will make sure that you eat healthy and get plenty of rest--because, let's face it, you're probably worse off now than you were before Ryohei got his hands on you. You will live, but it might be a good idea in the future to call in sick to your S/O next time you've got a tickle in your throat.

Lambo

This 15-year-old guy has literally no clue what to do with a sick S/O. Heck, he has literally no clue what to do with himself when he's sick. He's so covered in girls your age anyway, so what are the chances that he notices that you're slogging your way through your day? Well, he does. That doesn't mean he's going to do anything about it...until I-Pin notices as well and chastises him for being so heartless.

And the truth is, he cares about you, and he hates to see you sick. He's not great at doing much more than playing gopher...but, again, he's 15. What else is he supposed to do? So at least for the day he'll get you whatever you want. Chocolate ice cream? Done. Ramen from I-Pin place of work? Absolutely. He consumes half of it, too, and he moans a lot about how gross it is, but ultimately you'd probably be a lot more lonely recuperating by yourself than with him around.

Takeshi Yamamoto

Does Yamamoto even realize you're sick? That is the question. He's known you long enough to know when something's up, but he also trusts you. When you tell him no, you're fine, please just go get beaten up by an Italian man with a sword like he planned, he's not going to argue. Yamamoto knows that you're tough, and if you don't want his help, he's not going to force it on you. He respects you too much to baby you.

On the other hand, on his way home from sparring with Squalo, he's going to pick up a few things. First, he's going to go to the store, and he's going to grab a couple boxes of medicine that sound like they'll help what he thought you sounded like you had that morning. Then he's going to go by his dad's restaurant and pick up a ton of sushi. If you're still not feeling well when he gets home, then he's got you covered. But if you still want to pretend that you're fine, then he just keeps the medicine in his coat pocket for later. He's fine pretending that you're fine if that's what you want. At least there's good food for a quiet night in so you can rest.

Mukuro Rokudo

I mean, as long as he needs you for something, he'll probably care that your sick. Your organs are still in the right place. There's probably not a good way to illusion away your cold and flu symptoms. So if you're fine, he's probably got better things to be doing, like plotting how to finally possess Tsuna and start a war within the mafia!

Oh, what? Really? You want him to say? Well, then, maybe he can put off the whole bloody war within the mafia thing off for another day or two. After all, it's been ten years and he still hasn't got around to it! But hopefully you know that you're in for a lot of getting your own juice bottles, or at least having him torment you about getting your juice bottles until your fever breaks.

Kyoya Hibari

Hibari doesn't get sick, because being sick is weak. But now that he's older, he can appreciate that no one is as strong as he is, so even his S/O is going to get sick from time to time. He is not going to baby you for choosing to be so weak as to catch a cold, however. You probably won't be seeing much of Hibari while you're ill. He's got important business to attend to.

But without saying it, he does make it clear he cares. He'll adjust your pillow in the morning before he leaves. He'll make sure there's plenty of tea in the cupboard. He'll send Kusakabe to check on you regularly. And since you did decide to throw your lot in with Hibari, this radio silence isn't exactly unheard of or unwelcome. Just make sure none of your other friends are around for a visit if and when he decides to come look in on you himself.

#fan fic #straw writes #reader insert #headcanon #katekyo hitman reborn #khr #reborn #khr x reader #khr x you #khr x y/n #khr reader insert #katekyo hitman reborn x reader #katekyo hitman reborn x you #katekyo hitman reborn x y/n #katekyo hitman reborn reader insert

17 notes · View notes

aurelim · 6 months

Text

How Far Did Aurie Get on Her WIPs? (11/15/23)

Hello! Welcome to the November 2023 special edition of "How Far Did Aurie Get On Her WIPs?" Let's see how "far" she has gotten!

I am fifteen days behind, but better late than never, right? Right!

I haven't done much this past month, especially considering the new game that Alby and I released taking up literally every second of free time that I had during the entire month of October.

ACTUALLY, if you want, you can go check out the game over on itch.io! Here is the game and here is the intro post. Enjoy!

Needless to say, I have no major updates on my games. Although...

I got covid last week, actually! If you know and follow ST4RDOM's account, you likely already know this.

For the sake of my mind, I'll copy and paste what I wrote that's relevant to this:

This is actually my first time getting covid, or at least testing positive. It hit me really hard (like I was close to 104°F, which is 40°C) and I swear for three entire days I was just sleeping. It's been exactly a week since I felt those symptoms, and though I am still testing positive I feel much better and more in the mood to write! Though I can't say I have done much on ST4RDOM 😅 I was working on another project of mine just yesterday (which was my first time actually touching my computer ever since I got sick and writing), and I nearly fell asleep doing so lol

I still have brain fog, also. It wasn't in this quote, but I have brain fog thanks to covid and unfortunately I still have it, so progress on ATOL and all other games will be slower than normal until I can get my brain rebooted.

So I haven't done much, other than coding and writing this upcoming project of mine (which is listed in the masterpost lol). I first created the first draft back in January and just recently I've upgraded the UI and rewritten parts of the prologue. Which was yesterday.

Sweet! Now it's further ahead than ST4RDOM, which I literally created an account for because I thought I was going to have that game done soon. (Though I already had the original prologue, so all I'm doing is revamping it 😅)

Anyways, this game was originally meant to be my MAIN main game; the one I am meant to throw every coding skill I know into it. So I think that is why.

That's all from me, I think. I can't think of anything at the moment, so I am going to sign out now 🫡 hope you all have a good day, and stay safe from covid.

See you all on the next episode of "How Far Did Aurie Get On Her WIPs?" :)

#hfdagohw #how far did aurie get on her wips #november 2023 #november edition

13 notes · View notes

lucysweatslove · 11 months

Text

Because I need to just... get it out, I guess (regarding the weird trigger this morning). TW: health, food/sugar, fasting, diabetes, weight, weight stigma, EDs, etc etc. There will be numbers of blood glucose readings.

So, years ago when I was on oral contraceptive pills (during the time of pseudo-recovery, btw), I also had a theory that they may make me mildly hypoglycemic. They don't, but I got a glucose meter + strips and stuff to test out the theory. I like data and numbers and whatnot, so it was kind of fun to just see how my body responded etc etc. I loved getting the data as I could in any kind of situation- how did my body respond to exercise? Did my glucose spike regularly? How and when? When I learned that CGMs existed, I loved the idea of them because continuous data that didn't involve several pokes. But, gotta prioritize people with actual diabetes, yeah?

I will also say: diabetes is one of those conditions that I have health anxiety after. There is a lot of fearmongering about food / carbs and diabetes. It's not so much about developing diabetes that makes me anxious but more so how I will be treated should I develop diabetes. The first issue: obviously as somebody recovered from a restrictive, weight-based eating disorder, being told I "should" restrict any food and/or lose weight (restrict calories) is terrifying. I literally cannot do that without it going into an unhealthy place. It's already hard to get atypical ana to be seen seriously, and to essentially be prescribed the diet that hurt me so much is terrifying. The second issue: people treat diabetes (specifically, type 2 and in some cases gestational) as a shameful disease that is your fault because of your weight. I want to be clear that I do not think there is anything inherently shameful about having diabetes of any type. It's just seen as this thing socially and I'm already hyper-aware of social perceptions of my body.

Back in 2021, my curiosity peaked when I found out about a company that gives CGMs to people who are higher weight. I decided to try it out- not in the sense of weight loss as this company wanted, exactly, but just to see how my body responds to various foods (especially to exercise). I didn't like the company itself as it demonized having blood glucose above 120 mg/dl in any capacity, even though it's totally normal / not an issue to have blood glucose go up to even 140 mg/dl or higher after meals. So I had a huge issue with how they wanted you to stay under 120 no matter what. But whatever. I didn't see anything then that was concerning to me except that when I do heavy cardio, I can get hypoglycemic, which I had already suspected but now how concrete data to say yes, it happens (glucose in the 40-50s mg/dl range).

The last time I had a "fasting" glucose level checked was about a year ago, when I had COVID and went to the hospital. I didn't have respiratory issues, but basically, the night I got sick, I got up to use the bathroom (feeling like I was going to throw up), and had a "near syncopal event" which isn't so much the issue as is the fact that when I felt like I might pass out, I collapsed onto the bathroom floor instead, and major muscles contracted and I couldn't move. Not full paralysis couldn't move, but my hands were contracted, I couldn't move my legs, etc. Rob was staying in his office (across the hall) as he had tested positive and we were trying to avoid me getting sick too. I was barely able to call him for help. He called paramedics, they brought me to the ED, I was able to move by then (it was about 45 min to an hour after), and then they did the CBC, CMP, etc. My glucose was slightly elevated at 108 mg/dl. My PCP wasn't too concerned- I was sick, and based on timing, she thought it was possible my body had pumped out some epinephrine which raises glucose a little bit.

The other day when I was rummaging for some AAA batteries, I found a (traditional) glucose meter and all the accessories. The strips weren't expired. I got curious last night and about 45 min after dinner decided to check my glucose. It was 114 mg/dl which is totally normal after a meal. But this had me very curious for this morning. So I decided to check it fasting again.

And this is where I got triggered, because it was higher than last night's post-meal value. At 116 mg/dl. I checked it again and it said 110 mg/dl. This seemed super weird to me, because that is very firmly "pre-diabetes" level, and I was kind of hungry. I found some old control solution, and tried that out... it read kind of high for the low control solution (60mg when it's supposed to be like 24-58 mg/dl) and low for the high one (like 214 mg/dl when it's supposed to be like 250-350 mg/dl). So my confidence in that meter is basically 0, but it still triggered that fear of developing diabetes.

Usually one-off readings like this aren't triggering in any way because I can explain it. If I was consistently eating high carb meals, okay. If there was evidence of delayed gastric emptying, okay. But my snack last night was vegetables + ranch dip (not many carbs at all), I've been quite active the past 5 weeks, and I even did a real calorie restriction where I was very meticulous for a couple weeks when I was worried about something going on with my thyroid. So by all accounts, my fasting glucose should be going down, not having a one-off high reading. I'm also not much heavier than I was last year- maybe a few lbs but it just feels very weird for there to be any impact on glucose and I just am confused by it.

I know not eating / skipping meals isn't going to do anything, but I'm just having a hard time actually getting myself to eat after this. It's irrational in every sense of the word, and I don't even know what I think will even happen (for example, glucose will not continue to drop with prolonged fasting, and I know this). So idk. I think it's more like, this feels like "permission." Like oh, if my glucose is actually high, nothing bad is going to happen if I just like, skip meals. Oh, you don't really need to eat unless your glucose is low. All BS but that's the only way I can explain this trigger.

#tw ed #tw diabetes #tw eating issues #tw social stigma #tw meal skipping #tw fasting #tw blood glucose

4 notes · View notes

nightfoxproductions726 · 1 year

Text

It's been a while...

I know not that long ago I just up and posted I guess one could say a rant/expression of how I felt on a specific matter that I came across on Twitter. This is twice now I've done that. The other incident was someone treating disabled characters (and by extension real life people) like a checklist in stories and we aren't human apparently (as a queer disabled person who writes disabled, queer characters it lit a fire under my ass to showcase these characters and to explain why it's wrong to treat us like this. Because I'm sick of people treating us like we shouldn't exist.)

ANYWAY! Enough of that. It's almost 4 am where I live and probably should wait until I've gotten proper sleep to write this, but brain can't sleep apparently due to falling back with the time (now I know how my late beagle felt with this nonsense...)

There has been a lot of changes over the last several months. Some good and some not so good.

For The Good:

Earlier this year I got a drawing tablet, thanks to a suggestion from an artist friend/follower on Twitter. Because of this, I've been able to improve my art. This is something I've been wanting to do for a very long time, but didn't know exactly what to look for (or if there was anything compatible with my Chromebook - that I regret buying. Always do your research before up and buying something, kids.) Now, the art isn't like say anime quality level, but it looks a lot better than some of the hand drawn sketches from 2009/2010 and this has only been roughly 8 months of getting into digital art.

The other good news and something that was mentioned in my rant/expression post that I made. I discovered I'm nonbinary. Now, I know this isn't important to anyone, but it is important to me. Because this has been something that has bothered me for years (we're talking since 8 years old bothering me.) I never identified as female and I never identified as male. The only thing I knew was I was me while fighting a bunch of people who kept on wanting me to act/behave a certain way. Also, because of this, it has helped me feel more comfortable in my skin after years of feeling like a specter staring at a body.

The Not So Good:

I got COVID in June and the after effects have been hell on me. Mainly causing a childhood issue of not feeling hunger even worse.

Then on top of this, my lovely country has decided to take away my reproductive rights with Roe v Wade. This has caused me to go on some political rants and question things in this country. Because right now, I feel like no one gives a flying fuck. Especially, the politicians that have cried "they've [the Republicans] been planning this for years!" And what have you been doing this entire time if you knew?! (Also, to the 'we warned you about this' crowd - You're no better than the politicians. What have YOU been doing this entire time???)*

Twitter bought out by Elon Musk and throwing everything into chaos. I'm not looking at this account as a refuge, but because of Muskrat's behavior I have to look elsewhere to market and post things. This upheaval was not expected and I was hoping to stay on Twitter. Because in all honesty, despite my Twitter account's age, Twitter was the place that helped me improve my writing skills and my art. Also, on top of this that account and the people I met helped me find me. Which is something I'll be forever grateful for and no words can express how happy I am to finally be happy with myself.

*This rant is for another day as this post is running way longer than expected.

The short of it - I've been on a self exploration of sorts and while I've met several bumps along the way - things are slowly improving for the better on a personal end. Which is something that has been needed in a long time.

Some art examples:

#nightfoxproductions #art #digital art #artists on tumblr #discovery #doodle #writing #politics #nonbinary #lgbt #short comic

4 notes · View notes

pruning-the-minds-garden · 1 year

Text

Ugh.

Behind a cut for emotional whinging that people don't necessarily want/need to read.

Okay so three things are on my mind tonight, two of which have been all day, and I want to at least talk at them if not about them.

First, I have my traumaversary coming up. It's the day of the year that I went under the knife (and anesthesia, obvs) for major, life-altering surgery that the doctors at the time told me I have an 80% chance of surviving, but neglected to mention had a less than 50% chance of coming out of without profound alterations to my body and the way I live my life. The surgery last something like 15 hours, and during it my heart stopped something like three times and I had to be resuscitated. I only woke up from the surgery, that I can remember, more than a week later. There were in fact major alterations to my life. I wont go into specifics but they were wide-ranging and permanently disabling, but because this is America I have to work anyway if I don't want to starve. Every year when it gets close to the 22nd my brain gets louder and louder reminding me of that, until I'm reliving the things I went through on a near-constant basis while everybody around me sings and toasts the holiday.

Second, well this is where I talk at the emotion rather than about it. There is, or has been, a storm in my head for years now and I don't feel comfortable talking about it. I've gamed through as many ways as I can think about how to discuss it or bring it up or describe my feelings, and none of them go well, so I just have to sit with my feelings. But, without getting into it more, it's a storm of fear, resentment, and feeling utterly rejected by people very close to me. It mirrors the abandonment issues and feelings that I've felt for a long time, but I feel like if I talk about it then it will just drive more people away and make the problem worse. So, I don't, even though it is crushing me to keep it in and I know it.

Third, there's a bit that only became relevant this evening. I cut off nearly all contact with part of my family a while back. That was a profoundly tough and painful decision for me, but after looking at the fact that in the last several years there wasn't a single conversation in which they didn't treat me like a pincushion or act the part of emotional parasite, I just had to put distance between us. There were also personal safety considerations as they are anti-vax anti-mask, and I'm immunocompromised and work with and around essential healthcare personnel. So, I can't afford to get sick, nor can I afford to get them sick. The one time I did take a risk (a week vacation in DC, to see friends I hadn't in ages), I got COVID. They refuse to do anything to protect themselves or me, and won't budge, so for my own sake I put distance between us. That's... well, it is what it is... but today there was extreme weather in their area. I felt a whole new wave of guilt and anxiety, checking where exactly the weather hit the worst, and feeling guilty that I still didn't feel comfortable checking in with them. I know they would just use that phone call as a chance to guilt-trip me about having boundaries, and I just can't deal with that right now.

My brain is just this storm of thoughts and feelings and I wish it would let up, but I don't know how to even make that happen. I've medicated appropriately and that helped some, but only just. And, that's not a long-term solution, just a temporary band-aid. I wish I knew how to fix it but... blah.

#personal #mental health stuff

6 notes · View notes

jesseuno · 1 year

Text

I went to a DDR Tournament (aka: Post-MOTL4 Thoughts)

As the title suggests, I went to a DDR Tournament in Mentor, Ohio this past weekend called Mistake on the Lake 4. Below are my thoughts on the event, focused primarily on my performance at said event:

First off, the reason I’m posting it here instead of something such as twitter, or facebook, or discord or something is because I feel like I can be honest with myself about how I played without feeling a sense of being around (for lack of better term) toxic positivity. It’s not that I don’t think the community means well, and there is a very reasonable chance that I’m putting too much pressure on myself even now, but the last thing I want to hear right now is “you have one leg, it’s okay” or “you weren’t feeling well” or “it’s been a long time” or any kind of justification like that. Those are valid reasons to not play well, but I feel like it takes a lot of the responsibility off of me. The fact is this: I sucked. I performed worse at that tournament than I ever have at any other tournament in my time playing competitively (2004 - 2010, 2018 - 2020.) and there’s some very legitimate reasons why that are just entirely on me. 1. Since the COVID mandates have been relaxed (if not lifted entirely), I haven’t played all that much. I have not put in the time that I should have. I didn’t give the tournament and the competition the respect that it deserved. I even had the audacity to honestly think that I should have been rated higher than I was, and the way I played showed that I belonged exactly in the pool I was in, and probably lower if such a pool existed. I was out-worked, straight up. 2. During the course of COVID, I let myself get significantly out of shape. Despite having options around me to stay active, I chose to ignore them. To stay sane, I probably drank my own actual weight in bourbon and other alcohol to cope with the stress of the situation. That would have been fine (or at least understood) DURING COVID, but when I got vaccinated and things relaxed down, I didn’t change those habits. I didn’t start trying to be more active again and I didn’t do anything to change the negative habits that developed during COVID. I basically let myself blimp up even further and become even more lethargic and lazy. I went from about 170 lbs. before COVID, to 187 lbs. during it, to as of right now, 216.1 lbs. AFTER. Carrying an extra 45 lbs. everywhere you go takes its toll physically. I just can’t do as much or go as hard as I used to be able to.

3. To piggyback off of the last reason, I drank entirely too much leading into the tournament. Literally, the night before, I polished off a bottle of coconut rum with two other people. The night prior to that, beer and bourbon and cokes. The night before? Shots of rum while I was packing. I was basically an internalized microbrewery who was bloated and awful, and had no energy to play when it finally came time to do so. I even felt sick and anxious as I played, and proceeded to vomit my guts out after I finished. It was only after that, well after I was eliminated, that I finally felt good and loose. All of this is to say that I didn’t give this tournament, the competitors in my pool, and for that matter, myself, the respect it, they, and I deserved, and it showed, and I embarrassed myself on stream. I don’t even want to watch the VODs or recorded footage of the matches because I’m so ashamed of myself up there. It fucking sucks. In essence, TL;DR: I let myself down because I let myself get fat, out of shape, unmotivated, and drunk, and I played like shit for it. I’m writing this because at the end of it all, I want to take accountability for that and I never want to feel that embarrassed again. I never want to play that badly again. I never want to be that ill-prepared ever again. And if I have my way, I’m not going to. Consider this my accountability plan. 1. With the USL Soccer Season officially over, I have my Saturdays to myself again. If I have any say in the matter, on top of Tuesdays and Sundays, I am going to spend my Saturdays in the arcade playing and getting back into playing shape. Additionally, I’m going to start going back to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class on my Wednesdays to try and get myself back into decent physical shape. At the minimum, if I can get back down to under 200 lbs., that would be a good starting point. 2. It’s obvious that I have some bad habits that I need to work through. I need to eat better, I need to exercise more, I need to develop healthier mindsets for dealing with negative situations around me. This even includes dealing with playing badly. It’s okay not to be the player that I used to be. I’m not that person right now. Hell, I’m not the person I was two or three years ago, period. Looking back in the past is not going to do me any good. I need to work with who I am now and build from that. 3. This is the hard one to come to grips with, and I hate that I’m writing it. I’m actually kind of scared to even put it in writing, but I don’t think I have much choice anymore. Right now, I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I have for a long time now. And while I should thank my lucky stars that I haven’t said or done something egregiously stupid yet, I’m afraid that I’m probably teetering that razor’s edge. Even now, I constantly have an anxious feeling in my chest that I’ve said or done something wrong, or inadvertently hurt someone, and I’m going to get myself thrown out of a community that I love, and this was even after asking a friend of mine to effectively be my shadow at said event to make sure something like that explicitly DIDN’T happen. I can’t live like this and something has to change. Another friend of mine has challenged me to go till my birthday weekend (Dec. 9-11) without alcohol. I think that’s a good idea. If nothing else, to reset my body and mind. This part won’t be easy and I’m actually kind of afraid. I hope I don’t fail.

To hold myself accountable to this, I’m including two photos of myself currently. Unaltered, untouched, not hat on, etc. It’s me, as I am at 216 lbs., wearing a t-shirt and soccer jersey that is way too tight on me for my size.

Hopefully the next time I post photos of myself, I will look a little thinner, be in better shape, most definitely be under 200 lbs., and also being a little more sober. Ideally also playing DDR infinitely fucking better than I ever did this weekend. I can’t keep living like this. I have to do something about it now. :\ Thanks for reading.

#DDR #dance dance revolution #anxiety #alcoholism #overweight #weight loss #mistake on the lake 4 #motl4 #I feel like a failure right now #but hopefully that can change too

2 notes · View notes

thatdramatictheatrecat · 2 years

Text

Why I Think Will is Depressed, Suffers from Mental Illness, and/or Trauma

⚠️tw: death, sickness, trauma, depression, suicidal ideation, sh ⚠️

I know a lot of people tend to sleep on Will bc of that thing he did in Vincent’s route we don’t talk about, but I think it’s at least important to recognize he has his struggles too. Now, I am gonna base this post on both a little bit of history and also Will’s portrayal in IkeVamp so in that regard, there may be some

⚠️ spoilers ⚠️

I’ll start with some history first:

1. Most of his tragedies contain characters with clear signs of mental illness and/or trauma so it’s clear that Will at least understood those struggles to some level, and I would argue perhaps even on a highly personal level.

2. If you read some of his sonnets, there’s a reason he doesn’t seem to believe in a love that can last. The story goes that Will fell in love with a guy, who then cheated on him. Will began to feel very depressed, naturally, and ultimately, decided to cheat on that guy too, thinking it would help him feel better. It did not. Instead, he felt even worse. Eventually, he did fall in love with a “mysterious lady.” Ofc no one knows for sure who these people are, tho there are speculations. Nevertheless, it’s clear that Will had plenty of experience with rejection and heartbreak.

3. The Black Death was rampant during many periods of Will’s mortal lifetime. He lost two of his younger sisters growing up, and later, he and his wife (ugh) had a daughter and two twins, a boy and a girl, but the boy got sick and died. Aside from close family members, tho, it is clear Will probably would’ve been all too familiar with death in general and perhaps became desensitized to it, sorta like how some people are experiencing COVID nowadays.

4. As soon as a boy hit the age of 7, in Will’s time, he was expected to basically grow up and take care of the family. Will never got to have a proper childhood.

Now on to IkeVamp:

1. Will expresses reckless tendencies, potentially suicidal ideation. In Vincent’s route, he chases MC with a knife, likely an intrusive thought which he gave into, feeling like everyone leaves him anyway so why not push them away. That is a textbook trauma response, maybe not always to that extreme, but it is common among people who have trust issues, fear of abandonment, or otherwise. In his own route, Will leaves the mansion, seeking to protect Comte and the others, allowing himself to be condemned for a crime he didn’t commit. He gives MC a coat during a rainstorm, resulting in himself getting sick. He jumps into a river to save a child, under the guise of helping someone, tho possibly not considering the potential consequences if he were to drown. He goes to try and protect Napoleon, getting himself stabbed in the process, and seemingly accepts his death until ofc MC saves him, not exactly by Will’s choice tho. Even after his near death experience, he feels he has to atone for his “sins” by seeking punishment, death at Vlad’s hand, believing that’s his only way out. During Will’s time, taking one’s own life itself would’ve been a sin so obviously Will wouldn’t have been as explicit about it as Dazai, for example. There are levels of suicidal ideation after all.

2. While he may not physically hurt himself, there are many kinds of self-harm, and Will participated in that by believing he’s worthless and weak, consigning himself to a fate of darkness, rather than seeking help since he believes he doesn’t deserve it.

3. He doesn’t believe he can be successful by his own merit, and it is only due to his suffering that he is or that people even like him.

Obviously, I’m not a psychiatrist so I’m not an expert, but these are some of the things I’ve noticed about Will and hope others will consider.

4 notes · View notes

captaindibbzy · 2 years

Text

My dad seems to think covid is a performance that he's going to win best actor in. No one had ever suffered as he suffers. He goes to bed for 30 minutes to an hour, gets up, comes down stairs and groans like a zombie for 30 minutes in front of the fire, while going "WHAT?" at everything that is said cause he's deaf AND has full sinuses. Then he'll be dramatic about his loss of taste and how he can't possibly eat anything (except sweets, biscuits, and things I got for my lunch) and then he'll go back to bed for an hour or 30 mins and do it again.

He has been doing this for three days.

I have no doubt he's really sick. He woke up in the dogs bed last night. Made himself some porridge in the night, didn't eat much, stood up, felt ill, sat on the floor, and woke up in the dogs bed some time later where he must have passed out. But his fucking performance of oh woe is he, can we not hear how ill he is? No one could have ever suffered as he suffers right now! Woe! Woe! Woe! It's wearing a little fucking thin. Like yes, dad, you have covid. Mum has covid. Aunty Ann has covid. We're pretty sure grandma has covid. I've had covid before and I'll probably get it next week cause you fucking cough without covering your god damn mouth.

I would be more sympathetic if this wasn't EXACTLY how he reacts to man flu and the common cold.

#personal

3 notes · View notes

goddess-help-us · 2 years

Text

So, my time here is finally wrapping up if you can believe it. I have everything booked, or mostly. I’m still waiting on confirmation from my moving company that my selected date is open. 99% certain that it’s fine though. I have transitional housing reserved in Portland too. I’ll spend about three weeks back in California before I make the final move to Oregon. This is crazy. I’ve dreamt about this for like five years and now it’s going to happen.

Before all of that happens though, I still gotta live life in between now and then. And there are some problems. Two Fridays ago, I had unprotected sex with a man I met Pride in June. We got each other's numbers and he accidentally ghosted me and then reached out about a month later. We decided to meet at last and we had a great time. The sex was fun too. But I didn't use a condom. I didn't think too much of it but I started feeling funny around Tuesday last week. A weird rash appeared on my arm the following day. By Thursday, I was feeling lethargic, itchy, and finally anxious that I had caught herpes or scabies. I left work early and raced over to urgent care and got a full STI screening. The nurse took samples and evaluated my skin and said she didn't think it was an STI. According to her, I probably had a non-STI virus of some sort. I almost couldn't believe it, even though it's exactly what I wanted to hear. Maybe after two years of high vigilance from Covid it almost seems unbelievable or even pathetic that minor pathogens, like colds and flues still are floating around out there. I took a slight turn for the worse over Friday and Saturday and felt really sick. I'm utterly befuddled over how I could've gotten sick, even though I realistically know that I exposed myself to many different people between last Sunday and Thursday. The likelihood of exposing myself to and catching a minor bug from some random person is not negligible.

The larger thing here, though, is that my mental state likely played a role in my feeling this way. It’s quite possible that I worried myself sick. Or, at the very least, that stress weakened my immune system and I then was more vulnerable to infection. I really need to get a handle on that and I realize that it likely won’t resolve itself until at least several months of consecutive efforts.

#personal #summer 2022 #mental health #mental wellness

1 note · View note

moth--knight · 2 days

Note

if you don't mind sharing, how exactly did you find out you had adhd? and how did you get through college w it?

hi anon!! not a question I expected haha, but sure, I can answer (but I rambled sorry, so putting it below the cut)

I didn't realize I had it until I got to college, mostly due to interacting with peers who also had ADHD and whose experiences mirrored mine in startling ways. I had always been a good student in terms of like, grades? But I struggled with getting ANYTHING in on time. It was like there was a mental block preventing me from doing even the most basic of things. Sitting down to focus on a simple 200 word response felt like pulling teeth despite the fact that I was objectively a good and fast writer, and pretty much every assignment I have done since middle school onward I have done at the VERY LAST MINUTE. I nearly flunked out of my first semester of college because despite having As in all my classes, I could not for the life of me get myself to write the final papers for three of my classes. My professors were kind enough to give me extensions of a full two months - and yet every single one of those papers I wrote the night before the final deadline, crying on the floor of my dorm room until 7am. I didn't understand WHY I couldn't just fucking sit down and do it. It did not help that I could focus on shit like video games for HOURS without moving. I would forget to eat, forget to sleep, forget to use the bathroom - I always felt very fucking useless and lazy, because I *could* focus, but never on the right thing. Not to mention that I could not form habits to save my life. Even now at 25, remembering to brush my teeth twice a day is like, nigh on impossible. Lol.

In college I met some friends who were diagnosed with ADHD, and all of them were pretty much like "hey your issues with hyperfixations and an inability to focus on simple necessary tasks and an inability to keep habits and so forth all are very ADHD coded my friend" and I was like "NAHHHHHHHHH. NO WAY. I'M FINE." <- words of a guy who was NOT fine

Even worse, my partner at the time had a therapist who just from stories of me was like "btw maybe you should tell your bf they probably have ADHD it could help them" which is like. Deeply fucking funny kdfsgfhdkjsal Anyway. My own therapist eventually also was like "99.9% sure you have ADHD" and I was like "sick what do I do then" and she was like "well you could get tested and get on meds" and I was like "ahahahahahahaha well I cannot afford that so nah"

I had no insurance in college and every dime I made I spent on HRT or sent it home to my family. So. I basically ignored the problem. Which. Was not helpful. Lol. Quite frankly looking back I am not sure how I managed to graduate at all. I was under severe and constant stress because of the way ADHD was ruining my life as a student. It was not fun.

I didn't really *accept* that I had ADHD though until after college, and I still have never gotten a formal diagnosis 1) because I don't have that kind of money to throw around tbh and 2) I don't need a doctor to tell me what I already know.

BUT. YOU ASKED HOW I GOT THROUGH. SO HERE ARE MY TRIED AND TRUE STRATEGIES

Whenever possible, I tried to set up parallel working sessions. I often sat with a large group of friends/peers in our library and we would work together. Having other people with me helped keep me on track, and even when I spent half the time talking, the other half I worked. Working alone I often got NOTHING done. Parallel play saved my ass on many nights and for many assignments. My junior/senior year when we had to go remote because of COVID I swapped out in person for video calls with multiple people. Same sort of vibe. Now as an adult if I want to get something done, I still hop on a video call with my friends. It helps me focus to have other people there, and the background noise of conversations is soothing almost. I don't know why, but it works.

If you can, have some sort of schedule imposed by outside forces. I really fucking suck at habit forming, and so making lists and just saying "I am going to do this then" does not work for me. But having set times I would go to class and go to work helped me manage my time better, and carve out blocks that FORCED me to work on what I needed to get done. I color coded my schedule and made sure that my class hours and work hours were regular; it made my 'free time' also more structured around those mandated times, which helped a little. It also caused me a lot of stress though. There are tradeoffs for everything I suppose.

Walking and pacing!!! This sounds nuts but like. I luv maladaptive daydreaming and have since I was a kid, so I kind of adapted that to help me with school work. If I had an essay or something I would put on some music and go for a walk or pace in my dorm room and just think about the assignment. It helped me generate ideas so when it came time to sit and focus, I had something to work with rather than staring at a blank page. I really suck at sitting still and thinking, so moving around helped me a lot.

Speaking of, I took a LOT of breaks. Which seems counterintuitive I guess, but allowing myself to get up, go get a snack, go chat with someone, etc, made it easier to come back and sit down and work rather than trying to just sit and focus and fail to focus for hours on end. I took lots of breaks but also got small pieces done in between every break, so it all added up in the end.

Anyway, sorry, this is a lot. the TLDR is I spent my schooling years either unaware or in denial of having ADHD, and it destroyed me. I wish I had accepted it sooner, and I wish I had more adults in my life that could have saw the signs and helped me.....but alas.

Even so, I developed ways to cope that I still use now. It helped me a lot to start talking to other people who also have ADHD because it made me feel less alone. I've also tried very hard to reframe my thinking of myself as lazy/useless because like, I am not either of those things! I just have a disorder that makes shit hard! GRAH!

I have no idea if any of this is helpful anon, but I hope ??? it can be. I don't want to presume anything BUT if you too are in college and struggling I am wishing you the absolute best and I hope you can find a good support system. (And if you ever want to chat, my dms are open <3)

#asks

0 notes

of-canes-and-manes · 5 months

Text

005: Coming Back From Covid

It took nearly three years of the pandemic and two near misses, but I finally caught covid in mid October. I still haven’t figured out how exactly it happened, as I only leave the house for doctor appointments and rehearsals with a local community band. But happened it did, and I’ve been out for the last month while trying to recover.

To be completely honest, I didn’t even notice I had covid at first. I had helped my mom move hay bales from the trailer into the hay loft on a Saturday morning, and paid no mind to the soreness in my body for the two days after that, nor to the difficulty I was having getting around. After all, that had been the first time I had helped with hay in some five odd years, as well as the most physical activity I had attempted since becoming physically disabled. It was entirely within the realm of normal symptoms for me to be physically exhausted, and I even considered helping with hay a success because I wasn’t anywhere near the amount of fatigue I used to experience from significantly less intense activities.

But the following Tuesday, I woke up at three in the morning drenched in sweat. I had spent the whole night tossing and turning, which isn’t unusual on its own, but never before had I woken up to soaked pajamas and bedsheets. As I stripped my bed and changed my sheets, it finally occurred to me that my symptoms were not just my usual post-exertional malaise from helping with hay; as it turns out, night sweats are a symptom of covid, and I tested positive that evening.

And so, that was the first day of what became three weeks of quarantining.

Truthfully, I enjoyed my quarantine, especially that first week before I began feeling symptoms above and beyond my usual chronic fatigue. Despite my best efforts, I had been rapidly approaching burnout territory via trying to do too much, even after I had already pared down my life to better suit my disabilities in August. I was just still stuffing too many activities into every day, vying for a sense of satisfaction I hadn’t felt in weeks, and rather than feeling fulfilled, all I got was misery.

So when I ended up hyperfixating on a new fandom right at the beginning of my quarantine, I finally allowed myself to stop and rest. I spent every waking moment of those first nine days reading fanfiction, and I made it through a million words by the time I started feeling sick. Even once I began feeling symptoms, I continued reading, and I ended up having not only the time of my life, but the break I so desperately needed.

The feeling sick came about a week after I tested positive, and once it did, it really hit me. I woke up sore all over, well above and beyond my usual morning aches and pains, and though I had been congested for a week by that point, finally my nose began to run. As I started going through a box of tissues every other day, my breathing got worse, until I felt like I had been swimming underwater. I stopped being able to brush the horses, and then I wasn’t able to keep up with basic self care, never mind all the housework I try to do.

A week and a half after I first tested positive, I had to go to the ER. It was a Thursday, I was still testing positive, and I felt worse and worse with each passing day. I had tried to get a hold of my primary care doctor, but never heard back. Luckily, the ER sent me home a few hours later with a steroid to help my lungs, but I still received instructions to return if I continued to worsen.

The steroid worked. After a week of that, I finally started feeling better, though the congestion stayed the same despite my best efforts. I was able to schedule a telehealth appointment with my primary care doctor a week after my ER visit, and was sent an antibiotic in the event that I had managed to contract a sinus infection. With the antibiotic in my system, the congestion began to improve, then returned to normal. I was finally, blessedly feeling almost entirely normal again.

It’s now been over a month since I first tested positive; I’m once again negative and no longer actively sick. My breathing is normal and all things considered, I’m back to my pre-covid health. But I’m feeling a fatigue that isn’t anything like the usual chronic fatigue I’ve experienced since 2016, and this fatigue has slowed me down something fierce. I still haven’t been able to get back to brushing the horses regularly, I haven’t ridden in weeks, and I have yet to figure out how I’ll prepare my garden for winter.

I’m hoping that with enough time and rest, I’ll regain the stamina I had pre-covid. In the meantime, I’ve been exploring hobbies and interests that I hadn’t before had the opportunity to, and discovering more of myself along the way. I thought that if my capacity for activity was reduced any more than it had been before covid, I’d lose everything I ever held dear. It is with great pleasure that I can say that that didn’t happen, and I’ve even found that I have no desire to return to the hectic life I had prior to catching covid.

That said, I’m very much so looking forward to the day I can get back on Tim and resume riding! It will come, hopefully sooner rather than later, but whenever it does, I will be ready for it.

May your day be filled with peace and joy

#of-canes-and-manes #actually disabled #text post

1 note · View note

jazzromance · 6 months

Text

I feel like death is chasing me. (And this is not some kind of a metaphor or dramatic statement for some general anxiety I happen to face in my life as of right now.) It's exactly what it feels like, right now I feel like I'm doing everything in my power to evade some kind of death that is trying to catch me. I think I mentioned the thunderstorms I experienced during the late summer. There were two thunderstorms where the big windows in my apartment felt like they were inviting the lightning to come in, like they were closing in on me. It almost felt like a flash could be made out of thin air, that's how electrifying it was. That night I made promises to God, that I was going to lead a better life, that I wasn't able to keep.

Some weeks goes by, and one day walking down the street everything turned white, like I couldn't see anything for a couple of seconds. I was in a phonecall and I told my mother "how strange this is, everything turned white..." and then I heard the thunder again, striking this time. I ran home that evening and told everyone that I care deeply about that I survived getting hit by lightning.

The week after that I get very sick in Covid-19. Nothing special about that, I think, since I've tested positive four times before (I work with people), including three vaccinations, and it was nothing different than a regular cold. But this time it hits differently. I'm extremely sick the first week, with some symtoms that lasts for a month.

I'm working at a school and many of my co-workers gets the same kind of symptoms, some get tested positive for Cov-19, so I'm thinking to myself "I don't need to get tested this time, I know what it is since everyone else has it and have been tested."

Four weeks goes by. I still have some symtoms left, but only vague fatigue and a sore throat that comes and goes. And I'm a young person, and a very active one, -so despite my better judgements I go to a party. And the party's on a boat.

I'm a nervous drinker, so some partys make me more uncomfortable than others. And during those times I tend to drink more. I take sips so that I can gather my thoughts before I continue on with the conversation, and sometimes to avoid speaking altogether. This party was one of those. I was there because they've all been my friends for a long time, but due to unfortunate circumstances some couple's been broken off. And I used to date one person out of this particular crowd. All of this unfolded fairly recently and I wasn't exactly stoked about going to this party. But I went along, so I could be a support to my friend who's one of the people who got broken up with. We were gonna be there to show everyone that we still wanna be a part of the friendsgroup. Needless to say I got so drunk it's a miracle I could stand up. And that was the moment when I decided to jump into the ocean.

In the ocean I thought about how absurd this life is, and I thought about my mother. Then I got up (with the help from my friends). And regretted I ever jumped in.

The day after that was the worst hungover in my life. I was still on the boat. I puked all day. I had no more power in me, I really thought I was gonna die.

Some weeks goes by. And I'm exhausted, still feeling a sore throat every now and then. I go on like normal. I work. I see friends. I go out on Fridays (no benders). I play music on Sundays.

A friend came to visit me three weeks ago and we went out for beers. I drank five. And it was the same waltz as before. I got way too pissed drunk and I puked all night and all day after that.

For that last endeavour, I gained a bad case of gastric-catarrh. Not even being able to lay down when I sleep because of how acidic it feels. I got some medication for this.

Three weeks later. Today. It feels like my stomachs dead, like there's nothing moving inside of me. Like I'm broken. Like I broke something in my insides. I can barely go to the toilet.

And except for that I'm experiencing a lot of fatigue, I go to work but as I get home by 17:00, I immedately hit bed (and this has been the case for the majority of my days since September, only that the fatigue's been increasing with time). I am also experiencing a lot of derealization and depersonalizaton, since my stomach feels like it isn't moving.

It's hard to concentrate and just going to the store to buy food is a terrible ordeal. I have abstract thoughts that doesn't make any sense at all, that sometimes shows up in my speech so that other people notice it. I just can't make sense of the world like I used to, my reaction-system's just different, and much slower.

Sometimes it feels like my mind and my body are shutting down completely. And I'm not even reacting proportionately, i'm not even getting panic. I'm just so tired it feels like it's just happening and I have no say in it.

So there are days where I'm calling sick from work. I'm 25% off on sick-leave. Maybe that isn't enough. And maybe there's nothing that can make this better. I'm thinking about just going on about my days even though this is happening to me, because at least maybe someone will notice if I collapse.

It's scary, of course. But in many ways I brought this on myself, and there's no turning back the clocks. I made my own bed and now I'm laying in it.

But it really feels like, after all of these unfolding of events, that there could've been no other reality. And it feels like I got some kind of a curse. It feels like I shouldn't have made those prayers promising things I couldn't keep in the beginning.

Just writing this down for other people to see (in case something would happen), feels like a relief.

0 notes

surveysand · 10 months

Text

thirteen.

Do you know anyone who works in a laboratory? no.

What was the very first social media site you signed up for? facebook. my mom created my account for me.

Can you see yourself marrying your current partner? (if you have a partner) yes. i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

If you were in a coma, who would be making healthcare decisions for you? my parents.

Are you the type of person who knows exactly what they want in life? yes, it's just a matter of being able to achieve it all.

Do you have commitment issues? no.

What was the last thing you had an allergic reaction to? pollen.

Have you gone out to dinner in the past week? my partner and i ordered chipotle a few nights ago, but i haven't been anywhere physically.

If you were to start a business, what kind would it be? if it could be a thing, i'd want to be a professional playlist curator, lol. i spend a lot of time perfecting and making playlists.

What was the last thing you felt nostalgic about? i listened to the "sounds of disney world" album and it made me feel like such a kid again.

What’s something you’ve done that sounds too crazy to be true? some of the ways i've traveled to concerts.

Are there any flowers planted outside your house? no. i live in a city so, other than the occasional tree on the sidewalk, it's all brick or pavement, lol.

What was the last thing you drank? water.

What’s the weirdest decoration you’ve seen in someone else’s home? not sure.

Did you have your own bathroom when you were growing up? no, but that was always my biggest dream.

Do you live near the ocean? no, i'm a few hours away still.

What has been the worst thing that’s happened to you today? nothing, really. it's been a pretty tame day.

Do you know anyone who never disciplines their children? yes.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without leaving the house? covid lockdown had me inside for weeks.

Are you more of a practical thinker, or more of an imaginative thinker? practical.

When was the last time you were sick? What did you have? a few weeks ago. had strep throat and an ear infection.

Does anyone in your family smoke? not anymore.

Name three random colors: pink, purple, and blue.

Color #1: what’s the nearest object that is this color? my water bottle.

Color #2: would you ever paint your living room this color? only if it was a very light shade.

Color #3: would you ever dye your hair this color? no.

What’s your opinion on hunting? i'm fine with it, as long as it's not for sport or just saying you got to kill something. i understand it's needed for food and population control, but i would never do it.

How well do you know your neighbors? not at all, have only said "hi" to them on a few occasions.

How far are you into the book you’re currently reading? about halfway.

Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? not run away entirely, by my dog has gotten loose twice. thankfully, i was able to catch him quickly.

Do any of your exes know each other? no..

What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? there's so many, but ones that come to mind immediately are flat earthers and the weirdos who believe we're in a matrix or something.

What was the very first election you voted in? the 2020 election.

Do you know how to make omelettes? yes.

Do you feel positive and optimistic about your future? not at the moment, but i know i'll feel differently once things are more settled.

0 notes

do-you-ever-wonder · 1 year

Text

I lied yesterday when I said I didn’t know why I had my panic attack. I know exactly why I had it, I knew it was going to happen. I could feel it building and just went with it. Put on music I knew would push me over the edge and just snapped.

I’ve known for years that I’ve been in love with you but had resigned myself to the fact that nothing would ever come of it. Trying to force myself to believe that it was just my brain doing the classic “what if” bullshit it does with everything. It was manageable, for awhile, with 800 miles between us and texting being our main form of communication.

When you were going to come down originally I was so excited. And at that point Matt and I were in a good place and I had myself convinced that I could manage my feelings and we could just stay friends. But as everything happened…Covid, Jordyn, Matt and I drifting; it got harder and harder for me to ignore how I felt until it became downright impossible.

By the time you got here I’d lost track of the number of times I cried myself to sleep because of the situation I had put myself in. Knowing it was 100% self caused and knowing I could’ve saved you all the heartbreak you were going through; terrified that I was going to lose you for good.

Once you were here I felt like I could breathe, just a little bit. You were here. I could see you, I could hear you, I could touch you; but most days you still felt 800 miles away. I watched in terror most nights as you fell into your thoughts; unsure of how to help outside of distractions. Still crying myself to sleep almost weekly because I didn’t know how to help and all I wanted was for you to be as happy as being around you made me feel.

Then things started shifting. Your shell cracked just a little and all walls I had managed to build around how I felt about you started to crumble. By the time summer rolled around there were no walls left and all I wanted was to spend all my time with you. The fire I could feel between us was addictive, and I just decided to give into it.

Wrapped in your arms quickly became my favorite place to be; the only place I felt safe, the place I felt like I belonged. No matter how chaotic my mind was you could calm me down instantly without even trying, most of the time unaware of the fact the I needed it. I want that back. I NEED that back.

Once everything snapped and Matt left something changed. I don’t know exactly what, but your walls are back and for last month I feel like I’m right back to where we were when you got here; except I have no walls and the ground I’m on is sinking.

You say the distance is because of the stuff with your friends, being sick and your back but it started before that. Everything changed the day after Matt came to get his stuff. I felt it then and didn’t think anything of it because of what was happening. I don’t know if I did something and you just don’t want to tell me or if the reality of everything just caught you off guard but it makes me feel physically sick.

Every morning I wake up hoping that today is the day things go back to normal and almost every night I fight tears when it’s just been another day of you pulling away or dodging me. The few days where you don’t actively avoid me my favorite place feels hollow and it’s tearing me apart.

#frenchsilkisbetterthanpumpkin #05052023 #lost

0 notes

Last Seen Blogs

razzthegreat

One Day At A Time

kittycoolcat7

Kitty

ruth9989

Ruth@Informativa2

mylesimeblr

Grant a rose for the dead

thegermandisgrace

buy links cheap