#this is also kind of the reason why i don't really address youtube stuff on this acct anymore
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i keep getting asks about my pronouns. unfortunately posting the answer would literally endanger me in real life, which is probably an indicator of what the answer is
#not art#this is also kind of the reason why i don't really address youtube stuff on this acct anymore#youtube commenters can be. bigoted#especially gamers#so i've kinda been trying to dissociate this account from youtube stuff and focus mainly on art#for my personal online and offline safety
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And Who Are We At The End Of The World? - Please, Be Gentle with My Breaks - III
Chapter 18/? - - - Read it on AO3
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Word Count: 10,480
Summary: There's a difference between being broken and having a few breaks. But a lot of these kids and been dealt a lot of blows, and not just from physical monsters of the Upside Down. There's still a lot of stuff hidden just under the surface that they haven't been able to show just yet.
TW: Depictions of PTSD - Triggering events and flashbacks
More ST Fics
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Friday morning - the morning Family Video was set to re-open its doors and begin taking business again - had finally come.
It was a sunny morning. The kind that starts with birds chirping from the trees and the smell of coffee drifting from the kitchen. Robin and Steve had made plans to be at the store early, a few hours before opening, to eat breakfast together in the back office and take care of any possible final business that could come up. It was going to be a very good day. They'd decided that much.
Robin was still asleep and a little while away from starting that very good day when a noise that was less pleasant than birdsong rattled through her window.
It had been a week since the morning after the earthquake, and the construction crews had finally made their way to the suburbs near the Buckleys to take care of refortifying, structural concerns, and general repairs. One such house that required their attention, was the neighbor's from right behind them. The one that happened to be closest to the wall of Robin's room.
She was woken up when the racket started.
There was yelling, the workers shouting across distances and making their plans. Her neighbor's house had a lot of worry. She usually wouldn't mind the yelling that much. She could ignore it until Steve arrived to whisk her away. But she had been asleep and would've liked to stay that way. And all the noise outside made it impossible to fall back asleep. So she rolled out of bed and pulled her thin, red curtains closed, trying to block out just a little bit of the early morning sun.
It was about then that the foreman of the crew grunted with displeasure and came to a decision.
“Too much mess here. The whole foundation's got cracks in it, I don't like the way these wooden support beams are splinting, these warps in the flooring don't look good, and that roof damage is only going to get worse with bad weather. Call the homeowners. They can bitch about the facts all they want, but this house is going to be next with the demo team and need a complete reconstruction before anyone moves back in.”
Robin had already finished getting ready. She was washed up and dressed, and finally, the noise softened. Maybe they were done for the day. And she probably had another hour before Steve would be rolling around. So she dove back under her covers and tucked them in around her. Closing her eyes and drifting back off to sleep for just a little bit longer before she'd be taken away from her warm, comfy bed, and would be made to face the daunting trials of customer service.
Maybe forty minutes later, Robin was in that slippery state between sleep and awareness while the heavy machinery of a demolition team rolled down the street. All at once, those titans of force began to unmake the house right behind theirs. So close to where she peacefully slept. And the house did not go down easy.
Robin was startled awake in a red-tinted room, with the impossibly loud sound of destruction erupting from right behind her. The strength of it was rumbling the bed under her body, accompanied by the shriek of over-used and under-cared-for mechanical parts.
And all of it just sent her.
It felt like Thursday night. In the Upside Down. Where the red-tinted sky opened up above her, and the ground shook under her feet so hard she almost fell over. When the groans of an old house moved around her and filled up her ears. Until it all became echoes of screams instead.
Lucas's screams.
“Erica! Call for help!”
She felt it. She felt the fear again. Like it was all occurring to her for the first time.
Max was dead. Lucas was hurt. Eddie was going to die.
Her hands started shaking. She felt the sweat stick to the back of her neck, on her forehead under her bangs. Her arms and legs almost felt numb- or maybe they felt disconnected from her? They didn't feel right. Or useable.
She was frozen. And she tried to reason with herself. Thursday night was Thursday night. It was over a week ago. It all already happened, and she's supposed to be fine. She's in her room.
But as she looked around, none of it seemed familiar. It all looked foreign. Alien. It even started to look like the room was covered in vines, and dust, and cobwebs.
And she was alone. Steve and Nancy weren't there with her. By her side. Helping her run through the terror anyway.
She was alone.
A tear slipped down her cheek, and then one of the neighbor's walls went down. Everything shook even worse. And while she was petrified just a second ago, she was then thrown into urgency. She all but pushed herself out of the bed and backed up under the frame. In the little space between the floorboards and the box spring. She just tried to crawl further and further back, closing herself into something small and hidden.
Nothing bad should be able to find her under there.
She started crying harder.
Somewhere in it, her parents started asking questions. Asking if she wanted any breakfast before she left. Trying to make sure she was still up. Wondering why she wasn't answering. But none of it reached her. She just stared straight forward, trying desperately to cover her ears and make it stop. She just needed it all to stop. But all she felt was the tremble. And all she heard were the screams.
Her dad opened her door. He and her mom poured into her room and kneeled on the floor to find her down there under her bed. They tried talking to her. To figure out what was happening. None of them understood why it was happening.
Max was dead. Lucas was hurt. Erica was in danger. Eddie was going to die. Dustin was limping. Steve was bleeding.
Nothing was okay. And Robin was alone.
Steve's car rolled to a stop in front of the Buckleys. But Robin wasn't sitting, waiting for him on the stoop. She probably just woke up late and needed another minute, or two, to finish getting ready. They were going in early anyway.
Steve wasn't in any rush.
So he just sat in the driveway. Letting the radio play through “You're Much Too Soon” by Hall and Oats. But still, as the song ended and the host announced that The Cars would be playing next, Robin wasn't outside.
Which was starting to seem unusual. He'd never waited very long for her to run out. It's not like she was someone to go to a rager and be hungover the next morning. And there was no way she had something with Vickie that went so late she couldn't wake up. At least no way she wouldn't have mentioned it to him.
He wasn't sure what her deal was, but he still didn't really want to risk getting Mrs. Buckley's stink eye by knocking on the door. A person only makes that mistake once. So he shrugged to himself and honked his horn in two short bursts. To make sure she knew he was there. Not to sound passive-aggressive, but maybe she forgot what time they planned on leaving.
And in that dark space between what was happening and the memory playing over reality, Steve's car broke through.
Robin knew that beep.
From all the times she was already packed into his car after closing, and he was taking too long to lock the door to Family Video, so she'd lean over to the driver's seat and honk at him from his own car. From every time they'd gotten talked into running one or a couple of the kids somewhere, and they were taking their sweet time, so he'd honk at them. From any time someone peeled out past a stop sign in front of them, Steve would curse, ask how much they think his car is worth, and he'd honk at them because he couldn't expect an answer.
Robin knew the sound of Steve's Beemer.
Which meant Steve was there.
That was the only thing she could grasp and hold on to. Steve was there. Somewhere out of sight, but there. Steve was there, so she wasn't alone.
“Steve? STEVE?” she called for him. Past her parents that didn't fit the picture in front of her, she yelled for her best friend to fill in.
Just when Steve was really starting to wonder what was up, he saw Robin's father open the door.
“There's something wrong with her!” he shouted, looking more scared than grown-ups usually let him see.
And Steve didn't even think he'd ever run so fast for anything. Before he could even worry about what specifically could be wrong, before he could worry about the Buckleys not being his biggest fans, before he could worry about not technically having been invited inside their house - he was through the front door and following the sound of Robin's voice down the hallway to her room. Where her mother was crouched on the floor trying to reason with where Robin must've been under her bed.
He just shucked the jacket off his arms and scooted himself under there beside her.
“Hey. Hey, Rob. I'm here. It's me.”
She looked at him. And he made sense. As much as all of it didn't make sense, Steve being there with her while she felt terrified? That made sense.
Robin's fingers released a sweater that had been lost under her bed and instead grabbed onto the short sleeve of Steve's white shirt.
“Steve. Steve, it's- i- it's shaking. Everything is…”
“I know. I know, it is.” He nodded with her,” But, hey, I’m right here with you. Okay?”
There was barely enough room for the width of their bodies under there. But even so, Steve untucked his arm from beside him and pushed it into the space over Robin. He held her tight around her shoulders, her hand still twisted in the fabric of his shirt. She was probably going to stretch it out, but Steve wasn't even a little worried about it then.
“It's so loud…” she whispered, trying to cover up one ear without letting go of Steve.
“That's okay. That's okay, because…” Steve reached over to his discarded jacket. In the pocket was his walkman and one of his mixes he was keeping on him until he made the one specifically for Vecna. He slipped the headphones over her ears with a little difficulty, due to the angle and tight quarters. But after he got it on, he'd quickly sped through the first third of the tape, because ABBA's “Lay All Your Love On Me” should've been the fifth song on it.
He pulled her tighter against him while she listened to the music and spoke right into her hair,“ I’m right here. And I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”
She continued to cry.
Robin's parents just looked at the two in shock. They knew that they had gotten close, but they never imagined… Steve was the kid in town with a reputation for getting around. They always assumed there was something there, something he was chasing her for. They weren’t happy about it but figured - maybe just maybe - Steve Harrington got drawn into Robin’s refusal of his advances and it just made a game for him after they worked together at the mall.
But the way he was looking at her, it was love.
And not a romantic or lustful thing. It was just love in its purest form. Like they were two halves of the same person. Destined to link their arms together for the rest of their lives, despite whatever husband and wife they would get tied to down the road. It was something bigger than her parents understood.
But they were starting to.
Robin eventually stopped shaking so badly, and stopped crying so hard. Steve asked them if the construction crew could stop what they were doing. Even for just fifteen minutes. Just long enough to let Robin calm down some and get out from under the mattress and put some distance between them.
And the parents left them to each other. Somehow, they completely trusted that all Steve Harrington wanted to do was help their daughter feel better. When they told the crew that their kid was having something of a nervous breakdown, they were incredibly apologetic and immediately shut off all the equipment. Mrs. Buckley brought out some lemonade for them as a thank-you while they killed a little time.
“You doing better, Rob?” Steve asked when she looked like she was coming back to herself.
The room didn't look so scary anymore. Her mind wasn't covering her floor and walls in leathery tentacles. She couldn't hear kids screaming and crying in her ears. She knew Max was safe in the hospital, and Eddie was right next to her recovering. Lucas, Erica, Dustin, and Steve all made it out with bumps and bruises, but they were fine.
Robin pushed the headphones off of one of her ears and nodded to Steve, wiping off her face,” Yeah. Yeah.”
“Do you wanna get up?” he offered.
She thought about it. But her legs still felt like jello, and she still had an icky feeling making her hair stand up. It didn't look like the Upside Down anymore, but she was still scared it would again as soon as she made it to her feet.
“Not yet? It feels safer down here. Closed in, nothing can surprise me.”
“Okay. We’ll stay down here for a few minutes.”
Robin shook her head. She felt silly. “We’re going to be late to work,” she told him.
“Fuck work.” Steve remarked, and she laughed through a sniffle,” I’m the manager now. I say Family Video can re-open tomorrow.”
But then the worry hit her again,“ But, Steve, if I stay here all day and they start again, I-”
Steve just shrugged against her shoulder,“ We can go wherever. Wherever you want.”
And she relaxed again.
They got her up off the floor, splashed some water on her face, and got packed into the car after Robin hugged her parents. Told them she was going to be fine.
They blared music from his car and stopped back at his house first to grab snacks. She met the Antonovs while Steve stole a boombox and a handful of cassettes from his room. And then they made quick goodbyes and were off again. Steve figured a good place to go, to get away from everything, was that junkyard past the quarry.
They drove up the gravel road, around the big open water, into the break of the trees, and out through the clearing of abandoned cars and scrap.
“So, this is where Dustin took you, huh?”
She'd wondered what kind of place made for a demodog trap and makeshift fortress to hunker down in. Not enough to actually ask for a visit to a place that screamed serial killer central, but she'd wondered about it.
“Yeah. Except we came from the tracks and walked the whole way from town.” Steve told her.
Robin crinkled up her nose at the idea,“ If you're gonna bring me to the edge of the world, I'm not walking there. Only way you're getting me all the way out here is if I'm riding in style.” She leaned back in the seat, popped her feet up on the dash, and closed her eyes. Like she was trying to become the picture of luxury.
Steve just smiled softly and hummed,“ Of course, you are.”
The Beemer was parked and the two climbed out together. Robin's first instinct was to comment on the mess. The broken glass and the dented-up metal. Steve pretended it was all damage from the demodogs. She didn't know any better to push it. But they sat down in an open spot. Dug into the leftovers of Claudia's brownies while they just talked and looked out over the hill.
And then Robin brought the conversation back to something she considered to be of high importance.
“So, what's the plan with Nancy?”
Steve completely turned away from her, echoing her question like that'd make her drop it,“ What's the plan?”
And, as if she didn't even hear the annoyance in his tone, she agreed,“ Yeah. What's the plan? What sort of idea do we have on the docket?”
“Robin. Her boyfriend is sleeping on my couch right now.” Steve reminded her.
“Which is why I want to know the plan. Situation's gotten complicated.” Robin crossed her legs and popped a bit of brownie into her mouth.
But he declared,“ There is no plan.”
And she almost sounded disappointed. "Steve.”
“You guys keep trying to open that door - and maybe you could entertain the idea while Jonathan wasn't around - but it's different now.”
“You guys?” Robin pointed out,” Who else has been talking about you and Nancy?”
Steve muttered,“ Munson might've said something stupid…”
Her eyes widened,“ See! Multiple people-”
“Just the two-”
“Multiple people think there's something there! So why aren't you going for it? We got your confidence back, you're acting like the hot commodity you are again. Don't get why you're wasting time.”
He tried to redirect her,“ Why don't we focus on the Vickie front?”
She argued,“ The Vickie front is fine!”
“Oh? So what are the two of you then?” Steve pressed.
Robin got quiet before eventually saying,” I don't know.”
“That doesn't sound very fine.”
Which thankfully seemed to pull her away from Nancy Wheeler.
“How do I broach that topic then, Steve?” she asked.
“Well, you're gonna wanna get all dressed up, look real nice, lean in close, and then you're going to ask her where this thing is going.”
“And if she doesn't think 'this thing' is going where I want it to go? Then I've just outed myself and started the countdown until I become the town pariah.”
“You just gotta be covert enough it's safe, and direct enough you get a clear answer,” Steve advised. Which sounded like an impossible balance to strike.
And Robin was at least a little bit annoyed he'd even say such a thing. “Oh? Is that all?“
“That's all it takes!”
“Then…” Robin leaned over and got all in Steve's space before she put on a husky voice,“ Where do you think this Nancy thing is going?”
Steve cried out “Shut up!” and shoved her shoulder. They both fell into boisterous laughter while they lay out on the grass. Leaving behind the horrors of that morning and knowing full well that Family Video wasn't opening by 10 am as they planned.
Karen got a phone call that morning from Theresa. Robin's mother mentioned that they'd had a rough morning at their house, and asked if Karen had noticed Nancy going through anything after the earthquake. Seeming like she was reliving it at all, or stuff like night terrors? Karen truthfully told her that she hadn't seen any of that from Nancy, but what she kept to herself was that their kids didn't just face an earthquake. Karen knew they'd seen more than they needed to.
And with her soft heart, knowing that Robin got really shaken up and quickly left with Steve that morning to get away from the ruckus, Karen decided she'd pay the two of them a visit. Offer a little kindness and remind them that - even if they couldn't turn to their own parents for help - she was on their team now. Like what Nancy had said the night she found out what was going on.
So Karen baked a batch of fresh cookies in the oven. Her oldest daughter was pouring over her school work, the new and the old, and paying extra attention to her essays. Karen slid a plate on the dining room table to Nancy as they came out. Still warm and gooey, practically falling apart as Karen warned her to let them cool a minute so she didn't burn herself. And then she headed out the door. Packing herself and her Tupperware container away while she drove over to Steve's place. Where surely the two of them would have gone after Robin's fright.
The oddest thing was, as she came up to the front porch and knocked on the door, it wasn't either of them that answered. Nor was it Hopper or Joyce, or any of the kids. Instead, there was a man she'd never met before. A very attractive man, for the record, wearing a pretty skimpy pair of cut-off jeans that were halfway up his thighs and what probably used to be a tee shirt until the sleeves were snipped off to the shoulder and the bottom cropped until it almost showed skin.
Which was a little out of the usual considering Spring just started and nobody else in Hawkins would be dressing like that for weeks, if not months. Just wasn't warm enough for it yet. But there this mystery man was, looking like he was ready to host a Summer cookout and work on his poolside tan.
He pursed his lips under a crisp mustache and asked, with a strong, deep voice and accent,” Yes?”
“Uh, yes, I- uh- I’m Karen. Wheeler. Mike and Nancy’s mom.” she explained. Remembering herself after a moment and shifting the cookies onto one arm, reaching out with her other hand to shake his. Friendly, polite, and mannerly. Maybe a little more bashful than she should be.
He smiled kindly and shook it with a firm grip,” Dmitri. I am Mikhail’s father.”
“Oh, yes, I’d heard- that, um, that we had someone new coming into town.” she made the connection and thought to herself that she was being silly. Stuttering and sputtering for no reason.
“Ah, yes.” Dmitri nodded,” Once your government sends me some papers, I may move out of this boy’s home. Maybe then we will even be neighbors, yes?”
Karen smiled and agreed,” Yeah, maybe.”
It was quiet for only a moment before he wondered,“ Was there something…?”
“Oh! Yes! Sorry, um, I assumed Steve and Robin would be around. Wanted to drop off a snack for them.” she motioned to the container she held.
“That is very kind of you. They are out, but I can put it in the kitchen.” he offered.
She handed the sweets over with a simple “thank you,” but she didn't exactly want to run back home so quickly. And she thought it was only reasonable to try and get to know him. Being another adult on the end-of-the-world team and all.
“How- how are you and your son adjusting? To Hawkins? I'm sure it must be a big change.”
“It is fine,” he assured her. “Mikhail wishes he were in school. Also wishes he had his own room, but that will change in time. We are fine. Much better away from where we were. And I, myself, am most enjoying all the time free from work and the warm temperature.”
Dmitri remarked on it all with a smile. Pale, blue eyes shining under the midwest sun. Which must've been a stark difference compared to the snow-covered country he'd called home just days before. He really seemed happy to have completely turned his whole life around.
It wasn't like he had much of a choice. By the sound of it from Murray, Hop, and Joyce, he had to leave. There wasn't anything left for him or his son in the Soviet Union after he was imprisoned, escaped, and every person at his workplace - convicts and guards alike - was killed. He was a renegade, no matter what. So he had to pack up his kid and him, board a sketchy helicopter, and come with the people he'd become loose companions with. Chasing “hope of a better life” and “the American dream” as far as it'd take him.
It sounded terrifying for Karen to imagine putting her own family through. But here, the man stood. In the door of a teenage boy's home because it had a spare room to borrow. In a country he didn't know. Without a clue about what exactly was going to happen in the coming days, weeks, months, or years. If they made it that long.
And he smiled under the sunshine. Because he was away from work, and they had nice weather in Hawkins, Indiana. And that was enough to be happy about.
“Really?” she asked him.
“Oh, yes. Certainly. If I could spend the rest of my days like this, though in a home of my own, I would. Waking up early, making food, spending time with Mikhail and sending him off, enjoying this lovely weather… it is all I need.”
Karen had to laugh to herself. It sounded like the life of a housewife this man was wishing for. And she knew it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. It wasn't as easy or as fulfilling as it seemed like it was when a person summed up in one clean sentence.
“Your son must be better behaved than mine.” she joked.
But Dmitri's eyebrow raised, and he leaned in closer to drop his voice,“ You think too highly of Mikhail. He is still a handful.” He sat back and mentioned,” Though, I suspect I am lucky to just have the one. You manage two.”
“Three, actually.” she corrected,” I have my youngest, Holly, too.”
“Three, then. Miss Wheeler, you are a mother of considerable strength, to do so on your own.”
“Oh, I’m not on my own. My husband, Ted, he-” Karen stumbled for a second. Not exactly sure how much she could speak to her husband's adequacy as a father. Not when it came to the softer parts of childcare. “Well, he supports us. Has a good job and brings home the bacon.”
“But you manage the home and children?” the man restated.
“Uh, yes, I guess, he mostly catches the bills, and I manage the house. And the kids. The day-to-day. If you want to look at it like that.”
“Then that makes you strong,” he argued.
Karen just averted her eyes and brushed her hair off her shoulder. “You’d be the first to think so.”
“Americans do not think their mothers are strong?”
“It’s-” She didn't get very far.
“They should. I believe you are very strong woman, Miss Karen Wheeler.” Dmitri said with full sincerity.
She couldn't help but notice he didn't correct to “Mrs.” even though she brought up her marriage. But it was nice to hear the rest of that sentence too. She was a strong woman. Seriously spoken, because it was no laughing matter.
Karen also couldn't help but ask a question she's wondered a few times by herself.
“Was it easy? To work and take care of your son on your own?”
It seemed a little rude to ask. She'd only known the man for a few minutes, and she only knew he was a widower or some kind of divorcee because it was sort of the elephant in the room. You don't think to grab the kid and not the mom if everything is going well. So he was in the parenting game on his own. And maybe sometimes Karen wondered if she could do something like that.
“Absolutely not.” he answered honestly,” My wife passed many years back. And my job it- it kept me away from home a lot. Only way we got through it was our sweet neighbor watching him when I could not. I only hope I may find way to tend to him more now.”
“You’d want to be a house-husband?” she asked, surprised.
“If I could? Absolutely. Just be a little… little trophy for the Missus to show off while I take care of the home and my boy.” he mused. “Sounds like a fine life to me.”
Karen only let out about half a laugh. “You’re a very interesting man, Dmitri.”
“What? You do not agree?”
“I can see the appeal, from the outside view. I’ve been in the housewife spot for a while now. It can be nice at times, but I definitely miss…” her eyes wandered,” the freedom.”
“I take it you have a passion then? One you put away to take care of your family?” Dmitri leaned against the door frame. His exposed bicep squished against woodgrain, though Karen tried not to notice, and he watched her carefully. Listening.
She admitted to him,“ Yeah, I did. Once upon a time. Many, many years ago.”
“Well, I hope you find it again, Miss Karen.” There it was with the “Miss” again- “Maybe your kids straighten up and give you time to chase it? Or your husband takes over some responsibilities of the house?”
“Oh, that’ll be the day.”
“You think Mr. Wheeler is not strong enough for the job?”
“He does his job.” Karen had to defend her husband. She began to count on her fingers,” Provides the roof over our heads, food on the table-”
But this Dmitri wasn't having it. With one hand, he gently closed his grip around hers. Only enough pressure to stop her, so he could say,“ If your husband leaves you so dissatisfied, then I do not believe he does his job very well.”
And Karen could feel the heat in her cheeks go hotter. He was close. And touching her hands. And serious but not afraid to laugh. And sweet in the way he talked about his kid. And attentive to her in a way no one has been since she and Ted first met.
It swelled something in her chest that scared her.
She smiled politely, and pulled her hands back,“ Sorry to have taken up so much of your time. I wasn't planning on more than a quick drop-off. But I’m happy to hear you’re both settling in. Feel free to help yourselves to the cookies as well.”
“Thank you,” he said, smoothly. No hint of dismay as she backed out. And then he added,” But it was no bother to speak with a beautiful woman on a nice day. Especially if she's brought over her own baking.”
In a moment of bravery, Karen agreed.
“It was no bother speaking to you either. I’ll see you again sometime.”
“Until then, Miss Karen. To your free time and the rise of house-husbandry.”
And Mr. Antonov stayed at the door while Karen returned to her car. He popped open the top and swiped himself a cookie in the wait. Watching as she opened the door and slid into the driver's seat. He only closed the front door of Steve's house once he'd seen the engine turn over fine. Making sure she'd have no problem getting home.
A length of care just beyond what was necessary.
It'd been a long, long time since Karen felt like anyone had extended that attention toward her.
Not that it mattered much. She was a married woman. A housewife. A stay-at-home mom. And Dmitri didn't convey much confidence that she was able to be anything else anymore. Not with three children to look out for. Even if Nancy was going to be off to college soon, Mike still had three years left. Hell- Holly was only six.
She needed to get back home.
Get back to what she knew how to do.
Time passed by in the junkyard. The sun rose up and eventually hung high in the sky overhead. Steve and Robin nearly emptied the last of Claudia's brownies. They were probably ready for some real food soon. And to get back to civilization.
But, for the moment, they just lay out on the ground next to each other.
Trying not to think about all the dirt getting into their hair and rubbing into the back of their clothes.
But Robin finally felt like herself again.
“Thank you,” she said to him. Her best friend. Who sat with her through the whole thing. Even though it snuck up on them out of nowhere, and they've never dealt with anything like it themselves.
“For?” he asked her.
She filled in,“ For being there for me.”
“Rob,” Steve rolled over onto his side to look at her,” I always will be. You know that.”
Robin nodded,“ I know. I just…” she started to explain,” didn’t realize it could get that bad. Nothing ever hit me like that after last summer. Nothing was ever similar enough to what happened that I just- I don’t know. But then I was just in my room, and I looked around, and it was just like Thursday night. Like some amalgamation of my bedroom and the Creel house, and the sounds were just- ”
Steve put his hand on hers where she'd started mindlessly ripping grass up by the roots.
“I know. But we’re fine. We’re fine.” he assured her.
“Yeah. We are.”
“So we’re feeling better now?”
“Yeah. We’re feeling better now.” Robin squeezed his hand.
“All the way better, or is there still something you need to be all the way there?”
She chuckled and smiled up at the bright blue sky. A big toothy smile. The kind her mother would've told her to reign in if they were taking family pictures. But the gentle fondness of Steve Harrington could be funny when he overdid it. Like a mother hen checking on his little chickadees over and over again.
And Steve might've been thinking about cruising by a drive-thru to finish off the comfort, but Robin had another solution in mind to settle any lingering anxiety.
“Well, if you’re offering… you know what my favorite thing ever is…”
And that was all the leading she had to do. Steve's eyes narrowed at her. But he didn't resist much.
“… Fine. Since you had a shitty morning.”
And then Steve went to his cassette player and dropped in “Robin’s Mix.” A tape he'd put together some time ago that always got the most runtime when its namesake was with him. It only took seconds for the sounds of ABBA's “Dancing Queen” to come out through the speakers. The first song on it. Robin stood, dusted herself off, and joined Steve by the hood of his Beemer where he'd propped the player. Fully set on turning the patch of seclusion into their own private dance floor.
And as the Swedish singers came in, Steve was quick to mime a microphone of his own. Directing every single word to his very best friend. Just like they had for her birthday.
“You are the dancing Queen, Young and sweet, Only seventeen!
You can dance, You can jive, Having the time of your life,
Ooooo~ See that girl, Watch that screen, Digging the Dancing Queen!”
They spun around each other. Robin shook out her hair, dropped her shoulders, and grooved side-to-side. Put her hands up in the air and swept them around in smooth motions. Steve was jumping around, posing, and kneeling to bask up at her. Like she was a real celebrity.
They probably put too much energy into it. If anyone serious was looking at them and compared their moves to the music at hand, they'd probably have said they didn't fit together. But to the two of them, it was how the song was meant to be danced to. It's what was right when everything came down to just Steve and Robin. No one else on the planet was invited.
And just being Steve and Robin was the easiest thing most days.
They made it all the way through the song before Robin nearly collapsed against him in giggles. He put away the phony mic, tossing it somewhere behind him to catch her before they both ended up on their asses. “One Way Or Another” began to fire up, but neither was listening too carefully.
“Thank you,” Robin said, almost out of breath.
“You already said that.” Steve pointed out.
“I know. But seriously,” she grabbed his hand and squeezed it like it was the most tangible lifeline she's ever had,” Thank you. For being my favorite person in the whole world.”
He squeezed her hand back, just as much love expressed in the simple act,” Thank you for being mine.”
Eventually, Robin stood back up on her own two feet. And they decided on that drive-thru meal to offset all the sugar and chocolate they'd had in lieu of a balanced breakfast. And interestingly enough, they also decided on going back to Family Video anyway.
They had no plans to open. More so just get out from under the sun before one of them (Robin) got sunburnt. Maybe even avoid the mosquitoes for the rest of the day. And Robin's Mix played through Steve's stereo the whole drive.
It might've only been Friday, and the nurses might've said they wanted to hold on to Eddie through Tuesday, but he was getting stir-crazy.
He hated, hated, hated just sitting there on that bed. He wasn't supposed to get up and move around too much, lest he desire to face Nurse Tracey's wrath. But it was torture. The tv was no adequate entertainment, and it killed him to know that everyone else had something to do. Some way they were healing or fixing things.
Just “getting better” wasn't a good enough assignment.
Not when there was so much at stake. Not when he was laying down right next to Max, who was stuck where he'd gotten out of. They told him it wasn't the same. But it should've been. They both died, and El brought them both back, and they both got to a hospital. But she wasn't awake.
And it pissed him off so much.
She played decoy, and so did he. And they both did their parts a little too well. But she didn’t get up after.
Wayne dropped in and ate breakfast with him on his way to work. Expressed his sorrow about Eddie's ring. Eddie's mom's ring. His fingertips drifted to his right ring finger where he'd always worn it. Not on the left, because that was the spot dedicated to his own engagement one day.
He missed it. The black gem, cut in too many facets that it caught the light too much. It didn't have the same mystique as domed, smooth onyx that seemed more like a void set in silver than a stone. He'd looked at some in pawn shops and understood the appeal.
But as much as his mom's ring didn't exactly fit the idea of what his aesthetic "should" be, it was better.
And it was gone.
He didn't cry when Wayne mentioned it. Didn't cry when Wayne said he was going to ask around, keep an eye out, and look wherever he could think to. Didn't ruin it for him by saying," I know I wore it into battle. I fucking kissed it before climbing up a twisted version of our trailer and starting my set. So if it's gone, it's gone in another dimension. And, honestly, it was probably eaten by a demobat, given how much they bit at me. So it had to be fucked up for good after sitting in dead monster stomach acid all this time."
No. Eddie just smiled at his uncle. Told him thanks for everything. Said he was going to make it up to him with a spaghetti night when they settled in a new place to call their home again. Wayne smiled and told him not to forget the garlic bread.
"You know that's the best part." he laughed.
Wayne's eyes caught on his watch, and it was time to go. He laid a hand on his boy's shoulder, kissed him on his forehead, and told him to just keep getting better. Try not to worry about anything in the meantime.
Eddie didn't promise him anything.
He finished his re-read of The Hobbit. Sniffled at the end like he always did. He looked over old notes and put together new ones for a campaign. The boys, including Josie and Erica, and even Will, all came by. It was nice.
It wasn't a very complex storyline he'd thought up, but for a one-shot, it would do. The gang of nine players packed around his bed was given the task of sneaking into a masquerade party held in a castle. The queen had received word that her daughter was in danger, but she didn't know who it was. It could've even been a member of their own royal guard. So she'd hired the band of adventurers to make sure the princess would be safe. The hard part was, she'd survived an insane labor of nine. Yup, nonuplets. So there were nine identical princesses to keep an eye on and protect while they tried to find the bad guy. And just as fate would have it, one of them died.
It was only thanks to Will's impeccable notetaking that they figured out it was not actually Daphne in the pale green dress, but Rowena who'd swapped their clothes and taken the place of her sister. A scheme worked up with an assassin she'd fallen in love with to steal the title of "eldest daughter" and have the first claim to the throne. She had been the youngest of nine, after all, she was far down the list before she'd see a crown.
But they solvest the mystery. Earned a good chunk of change from an incredibly distraught royal family who not only lost one child, but a second too. Everyone cheered for each other when they got the confession and defeated the enemies in combat. Tucked away the characters with mentions that it might be nice to dust them off and revisit the theme again another time. Make a regular habit of these Sherlock Holmes-like mysteries dipped in a little bit of fantasy flair and ass-kicking to close it all out.
It was fun. Mostly. But holding the session around his bed, where he felt like he was some weak little thing he didn't think he was… it hurt Eddie in a way he wasn't expecting. It itched against all the other feelings he was holding on to. And he didn't like it.
He was feeling cagey.
So, after they all said their goodbyes, he made a break for it.
Or, more exactly, he told Tracey he had to get out of there and begged for any way to make it happen. She was not happy. Looked at him down her hooked nose, through her thick glasses, from under crumbling mascara that rimmed her eyes. A scornful expression like she was trying to intimidate him into pulling up his covers and saying how much he actually liked it there.
But he stood his ground. And she admitted, him being a legal adult and all, that he could fill out an Against Medical Advice form - meaning he couldn't sue if he fucked himself up for leaving early - and he'd be free. So he asked her, very nicely, to fetch such a document for him. And she did. She still pestered him about calling or coming in the minute he felt bad. To watch himself for a high temperature, upset stomach, sweating or chills, bleeding, puss, or extra sensitivity around the injuries. So he swore up and down he would.
And he made it out.
His car was still at Wayne's hotel, wherever that was exactly, so Eddie just hopped the bus and made it downtown. He didn't have an exact plan, but he was not going to go home. That trailer was practically a fallout zone and wouldn't make for much of a shelter at that point. And he also didn't want to even figure out where Wayne was pitched up at. Because he was bound to go stir crazy there just the same as he had in the hospital.
He ended up on the idea to stop by a certain video store to annoy a certain pair of employees and whatever poor souls decided to shop there on the day Eddie Munson became a truly free man.
“What? Am I not pretty enough for you, Robin?” Steve asked.
His voice dripped with offense, like the discussion at hand was the cruelest thing anyone had ever said to him. They'd been making plans for Robin to ask Vickie on something more obviously a date. To help bridge that gap between girl friends and girlfriends. Robin had suggested something more like what she and Steve do anyway, getting together at someone's house when there are no parents home for a movie. But that also painted what they do as being inherently romantic and she gagged. Now, Steve was on some tirade about being a wonderful date and she should be so lucky.
He leaned against the shop counter and struggled to pop his hip out in a way that could even come close to feminine. But none of the shapes were there, and Robin could only look at him with pity. Not an admission of defeat.
“As much as I love you, Steve…” she tried to soften the blow,” You already know the key thing keeping us apart is my particular interest in…”
”Oh, right.” Steve's tone dropped, and he cupped his hands on his chest as if it was the first time the thought had occurred to him,” Boobies. I don’t have those for you.”
The comment caused Robin to crinkle her nose in a sharp cringe,” Stop calling them that!”
“Why?! It’s what they are! Not my fault you can’t handle the proper word for them!” he pushed.
“ANYWAY!” she tried to take control of the conversation,” I like them a lot, so stop pressing it. It's starting to get really sad.”
“Alright, alright, I'm hearing you, but what if I turned like this.” Steve turned around and arched his back as he shyly looked over his shoulder at Robin. Trying to pull off a more pin-up pose. Like, because she couldn't see his front, she could forget he was missing the pair features they both enjoyed so much. Like it made him girly enough at all.
Robin tried to hold back her snickers at his display. Steve closed his eyes and shook out his hair behind him for effect. He put on a pretend sultry voice before asking her,“ Does this do it for you?”
“What did I just walk in on?” Eddie froze in the open doorway.
As Steve's brain registered that the question didn't come from Robin, he snapped open his eyes and jumped out of the pose. Some kind of less-than-manly shriek flew up from his mouth, and all too quickly he practically tumbled over the countertop and crossed his arms over his chest to cover himself behind it. As if he was even topless in the first place. He wasn't, but he still felt pretty exposed.
“Can't you read the sign?!” Steve griped. A pointer finger shot out to where the “closed” side of the board was clearly facing out the door to any foot traffic on the sidewalk.
Robin was less focused on Steve's cause for concern and complaint. Instead, she joyfully exclaimed,“ Eddie! You’re out of the hospital!”
“Yup, doc declared me as less than ‘healthy as a horse’ but not likely to bleed out at any moment, so I've been released on good behavior for bedrest at my own home while the wounds, you know, do their thing and scar over.”
“If it’s bedrest, shouldn’t you be, ya know… in a bed? Resting?” Steve questioned him. Maybe a little pointedly, but hey, he was allowed to feel a little sour over Eddie walking in on his and Robin's nonsense. That stuff's supposed to be private.
“Didn’t really feel like hitching a ride across town for a quiet hotel room packed with Wayne's and I's stuff while he finishes the rest of his shift.” Eddie excused,” Plus I’d miss out on whatever the hell all this is. So I’ll ask again; what did I just walk in on?”
“Steve’s just really sad that he’s not pretty enough for me.” Robin mused teasingly. Figuring that context was innocuous enough for the present company.
“Oh, man. Tough break, Princess Harrington. My condolences.” Eddie said, putting one hand over his heart and the other on Steve's shoulder like he actually meant to console the man's wounded pride.
Steve swatted away the gesture immediately. And then he decided something new about Eddie being a member of the party.
”You two are insufferable!” he said with a pair of aggressive finger-pointing,” I don't like this duo! I don't need the two of you ganging up on me! It's unfair!”
“Wait till we get Dustin in on the action too. Three on Steve seems like fine odds.” Eddie added just to see the way it made Steve twist up his face. He even started getting a little red!
Through it all, Eddie and Robin found some kind of understanding between the two of them. An understanding of how fun it was to push all of Steve's buttons. And somehow, they still secured invites to his place for dinner. Maybe it was their wicked pair of sad eyes, maybe it was more of that “feeling way too bad for everyone” gene he's got, but Steve let them both pile into his car while he made his way home.
Eddie met their European guests, shook more hands, and made more small talk. And by the end of the meal, Steve would say he narrowly survived the onslaught of teasing. Steve ran Robin back to her place and stayed parked right outside until she buzzed him on the walkie and said she wasn't having a panic attack in her room again and he needed to clear out before someone accused him of stalking. Eddie and Steve laughed, and as the driver wondered where he was sending Eddie off, he admitted he didn't know.
Still hadn't even called his uncle to find out which spot across town he was camped up in.
And somehow… that conversation ended with another invitation to Steve's house. That time, one to spend the night. Eddie was eager to accept. A bustling house of kids and the most random assortment of adults sounded like the exact opposite of falling asleep to the sound of his heartbeat beeping on a machine next to him, and Max's a few feet away.
And thanks to an already stacked dance card - the Byers and Co. on the couch, Joyce and Hop sharing the master, Murray laid claim to the first guest room, the Antonovs in the other - there was really only one place with any spare room without tossing one the injured men to the floorboards.
And that was to partner up and share Steve's bed with him.
It started with Eddie trying to break the ice. Pointing out the grid pattern painted on Steve's walls and hung up on his curtains. Mentioning that it was nothing like how he imagined the King of Hawkins slept. It looked more like a cage than anything else.
Steve shrugged, agreed with the sentiment, and tried to focus on grabbing his own pajama options and getting the night over with. As awkward as it was shaping up to be. But drawing attention to his closet, drew attention to the desk and chair right in front of it. And the denim vest hanging on the back of that chair, which rightfully belonged to Steve's most recent guest.
“There it is!”
Steve turned around and followed Eddie's eyes to the battle vest he'd accidentally borrowed for too long.
“Oh, right! Sorry.” he picked it up from its perch. “Didn't mean to steal it. Just forgot it was there a little.”
“Wow. I let you dress yourself in my battle vest - watching out for your delicate purity so that it might not be besmirched - and you forget about such a deep moment we shared?” Eddie lamented the tragedy. Wondering to himself if it would be too much to try and force a tear.
“I didn't mean I forgot about it like that. Just- I was trying to figure out what to do with it, and I forgot to give it back.” Steve quickly handed it over,” Here.”
Eddie barely looked at the item before he asked,“ What to do with it? That sounds a little spooky. Did you have some kind of black magic spell in mind that you needed it for? You're not gonna steal a lock of my hair after I fall asleep, right?”
“No. Absolutely not. I, just, I was wearing it while I was all gross and sweaty and bleeding, so I figured the same rules as borrowing gym clothes applied, and I should wash it before I gave it back.” Steve tried to explain,” But you have so much stuff on it I didn't want to get ruined, and I wasn't sure how to go about it, and everything has been so insane all the time-”
“I get it. Worry not, Stevie.” Eddie tried to release him from whatever pressure he put on the idea. “Plus you don't really wash a battle vest. It's kinda supposed to go through hell and come out the other side with some authentic grime.”
“But another guy's blood and sweat? That's pretty extreme.” Steve commented. But his face said he leaned more towards 'nasty' than just 'hardcore.'
“You don't understand the culture. That's okay.”
“Alright. Well, then I guess my dilemma turned out for the best.” Steve ducked back into his closet.
Eddie more carefully examined his vest for all the wear and tear it saw. None of the patches or pins looked like they were in danger, but there were some new loose threads he could think about playing with. As he looked it over, he commented with a chuckle,“ Yeah, if you wanna uselessly panic about other stuff and wind up saving the day through inaction, there's the Vecna guy I don't know if you've heard about. I think those magic powers could really speed things along and get us all to summer break in one piece.”
Steve quickly turned out of the hanging garments and urged Eddie,“ Don't let Murray hear you strategize, or he'll barge in and spend an hour actually trying to make a plan out of it.”
He said it so seriously Eddie couldn't even get a response ready while Steve slinked out of the room to go across the hall. To change into the jammies and take care of his nightly routine in the comfort and privacy of his own bathroom. And before Eddie knew it, he was left alone in Steve Harrington's room. Sitting crisscross on the edge of his bed, a pile of denim in his lap, and far too much awareness of how fresh their friendship really was.
The rest of the house had gotten pretty quiet. They'd all turned in for an earlier evening after a long afternoon of work at Hop's cabin and some folks still adjusting their internal clocks to Hawkins time. A big, big house, packed with people, and yet there wasn't much noise.
Steve came back to his room just after a few minutes. He tossed his clothes from the day in a dirty laundry hamper and sat on the other side of the bed. Pushing down the covers before he swung his legs up under them. Eddie followed suit. Standing up to put his vest back on the desk chair for the time being, and climbed into the bed next to his roomie for the night.
And then Eddie and Steve were left to each other. In Steve's bed. Laying still as statues to get some well-deserved rest.
And it was nerve-racking. All of Eddie Munson's nerves were racked. He couldn't help thinking about how the whole situation was so far off the map for him a few weeks ago. On the 22nd of March, Eddie Munson held a broken glass to his neck, and everything's been so strangely on the up and up since. Minus the whole almost-dying part. They'd been forging a bond, a weird one, given such a distinctly separate history. But there they were. Having a sleepover in the famed King's bedroom.
And it wasn't any easier for Steve to deal with. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. It shouldn’t do or mean anything to him. Steve's done this sort of thing with Robin tons of times. Falling asleep next to someone you’re not attracted to should be easy and simple. But it wasn't.
Like, with Robin, they were both allowed to stretch their limbs out in all directions and hug the night away before they tried to kick one another off the bed. But, with Eddie, they were both practically on the edges of the mattress with their backs to each other so they wouldn't accidentally touch or even look at one another. And Steve wasn’t falling asleep. Instead, he felt like he couldn’t move without bothering Eddie.
What if his stitches were still super sore? What if he was lying about the vest and was actually bothered about the condition it was in? What if he was mad about his mom's ring?
And all of a sudden, Eddie started talking.
“You didn’t, by the way.”
Which didn't exactly make any sense as the first thing either of them had said in almost thirty minutes.
“What?”
“Stomp on me.” he clarified.
And it didn't immediately click. But after a second, Steve remembered what he said while Eddie was still in the coma. The part about “I was a bully,” and “I hope I didn't bully you,” but “I wouldn't really remember,” and “Tommy called it stomping on the ants” like that excused any of it. So that was the stomping Eddie was thinking about.
“Oh… so you…“
“Heard that bit?” Eddie finished for him. “Yeah. When our girlie woke me up in my head, some stuff outside started coming through. When there were a lot of you in the room, I couldn’t really follow any of it or understand what you were saying. But you stopped by on your own. Said that bit. It was easy to hear then.”
“Sorry. I honestly didn’t think you’d catch any of it.” Steve tucked his hands in closer to his face. More thankful than anything else that they couldn't see one another for this conversation.
And yet, Eddie joked,“ You planned to waste such a moving monologue on deaf ears? For shame, Harrington, for shame.”
“I just-” he tried again,” I’m sorry-“
But the other wouldn't hear it. “I just said you didn’t do it. Alright? Nothing to waste ‘sorry’ on.”
“But I must have, at some point.” Steve reasoned.
Unsure why his idea was to argue that, no, no, Eddie, actually he did mistreat you, you must be mistaken, think harder. But Eddie didn't waver. His voice was sure and even. And he simply affirmed the fact.
“You didn’t.”
“But-“
“I’ll admit, I convinced myself once or twice that you orchestrated all of it. Sent out your legions of jocks and goons to carry out your dastardly demands for you while keeping your hands clean. But, I know now that I was wrong about that idea.”
And with a pang of guilt that gnawed at his ribs, Steve spoke quietly,“ But I know I’ve said it.”
Freak. He called him The Freak. He knew he did. Hell, he said it just weeks ago when Dustin invited him to the game. He knew that.
But Eddie didn't dwell on it. Didn't deem it the important part.
“Not to me. Not once did you shove my face in it.”
“I’m still sorr-“ but Steve felt a smack on his shoulder. Carefully, he looked over to see that Eddie was laying face up, no longer with his back to Steve. The wall of air between them was gone, in one way or another. So Steve shifted over, joining him in laying back until he was looking up at his ceiling too.
“And do you always do that?” Eddie asked as he tried to get comfortable.
“Do what? Apologiz-”
“Talk through movies?” Eddie interrupted, steering the conversation way out into the left field,” I mean, I was unconscious, but I still heard your whole commentary on Grease. Very strong opinions you have on that one.”
“Okay, Sandy did nothing wrong and shouldn't have had to 'compromise' with Danny at the end just because he lied about their relationship to his guys for points. Had her story been about actually wanting to be less of a goody-two-shoes for her own reasons-”
Eddie stopped him before he really got going,“ That is what I'm talking about. Seriously, dude? And you had something specific to say every minute of it. Was practically watching it with you even with my eyes closed because you'd remind me what beat we were on without fail.”
He bumped into Steve's shoulder with his own. Small laughs bubbled up. And the whole situation didn't feel so awkward and stilted anymore.
“Yeah, I guess.” Steve agreed with a smile,” Rob and I are usually pretty chatty when we watch ‘em together. I think I picked it up from her.”
“Oh, yeah, you’re a real Chatty Cathy, Steve Harrington.”
“That such a bad thing?”
Eddie paused to think on it. But quickly decided otherwise. “Nah. I wouldn’t say so. Felt way less lonely with someone talking.”
Steve felt some pride settle back into himself,“ Then you’re welcome.”
“Oh, great,” he groaned,” Now I went and gave you a big head about it.”
“I think most people would tell you I already had one.” Steve pointed out.
“A big, stupid head.” Eddie took a finger and poked Steve right on the side of his forehead. But before Steve could really say anything else, he tugged the blanket up and rolled over in the bed. His back was up again, but it didn't feel so insurmountable. It was comfortable.
“Go to sleep,” he commanded. As if he wasn't the one that started their discussion in the first place.
Steve rolled onto his own side,” You go to sleep.”
A comeback fit for a first grader. My, how the mighty have fallen. But sometimes falling could be a good thing. Brings a person back down to Earth. Reminds them of all the other people that didn't climb too tall on their high horse.
And that kind of falling, the kind that Steve Harrington did, didn't make him shatter into broken pieces on the ground.
Some parts of a person need to break. Explicitly so they can put themselves back together. And maybe the breaks were always going to be there. But maybe he'd be the better for it. Maybe they all would.
#Totally didn't forget to post this for a while what are you talking about I've never-#Yeah#I did. Sorry Tumblr I need to get back into the habit of checking in on y'all over here. Working on it.#Anyway#I hope this chapter was everything a person could hope for a more?#I really wanted to develop the trauma they're all kind of going through - Robin has some PTSD - Eddie has some survivors guilt - etc#And more importantly than just the pain they are going through is the reality that none of them are alone#Even if they feel alone for a little while. Someone always shows up. And they don't have to sit in it by themselves anymore.#Also some Karen Wheeler X Dmitri Antanov because when I'm not making her sapphic that's my fave guy for her <3#And I really really really love the scene in season 3 where Karen tells Nancy not to give up on what she wants from this life#And you can kind of see there's a little bit of longing as she says it to her. Pushing away maybe a little bit of regret what she didn't?#And I never see that stuff addressed - so I'm doing it#These characters are so complex goddamn#Also the lil D&D bit was heavily inspired by Drawfee's Drawtectives on YouTube and everyone should watch it#I dm-ed a similar session and it's so fun highly highly highly recommend#And I finally threw two character into an 'and there was only one bed' situation#After all my years of writing fanfiction I'm finally hitting first base#I have a lot of reasons on why I wrote that Steve didn't really bully Eddie in HS - I might make a whole discussion post about it#I know it's a pretty divisive headcanon - but after all the times I've poured over this show - this feels like the most accurate answer#Steve Harrington#Eddie Munson#Steddie#Steveddie#Steve x Eddie#Nancy Wheeler#Robin Buckney#Ronance#Robin x Nancy#The Fruity Four#Stranger Things
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your SBI post made me realize something, which is that the insistence on anything only ever being exactly what you say it is and nothing more, in the context of fanfiction, shipping, porn, etc. ie: "it's platonic cuddling, you're the one making it weird!" functions on the same principle as the mcyt fandom approach to politics does. saying the right thing is valued above all else, discourse begins and ends at nit-picking language, and you're discouraged from going out and doing external research instead of "listening to (x) voices," in other words, folding to public opinion (see: the ranboo racism apology phenomenon). The end result being that calling out racism, homophobia, transphobia, and so on, is constantly used as a convenient cover for a secondary goal. for example, ranboo fans recently digging up stuff to get mad at matpat for while in reality, they're just pissed off that he called ranboo an ex-dsmp member… but if you try to say they don't actually care, it makes you seem callous to bigotry (SO YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT RACISM? vs SO YOU'RE MAKING THE HAND-HOLDING WEIRD, CREEP?) obviously, unknowingly participating in a kink community is a lot more overtly dangerous, but it's the same tendency in a different context: if you actually interrogate the political issues you're discoursing about, you don't get to use them whenever it's convenient anymore. if you actually consider whether you're writing kink fanfiction and call it what it is, you either don't get to write that kind of fanfiction anymore OR you don't get to participate in "polite society" anymore. the obsession with lists of boundaries and either badgering the CCs about them or piecing them together wholesale if they don't already exist, which is what creates the "but it's Platonic cuddling, kissing, BDSM, and marriage, i promise!" excuse in the first place, is another fixation on precise language...
(if my phrasing here is a little convoluted it's because i'm posting in Tired Mode, and you have to forgive me.)
To be fair, there are a lot of fandoms that go way back that have co-opted social justice causes to try and get what they want. This goes back at least a decade, this corner of the streamer sphere is just the most recent and pointed example because you can directly address one cc and get a response really quickly compared to a showrunner or team of people. In a lot of ways social justice language is some of the only power people (especially young people) will have online when it comes to getting what they want, so I understand why nobody wants to let it go or frame it differently even when it’s a personal beef or self-interest.
It’s not like these people are never right, this is a Youtube/Twitch/gaming space and it’s loaded with bad behavior that I would rather people be mindful and aware of. The issue is as you said, you can usually track a secondary goal underneath the callout, and it’s rarely as clean as it’s presented as. For whatever baffling reason Ranboo had a bunch of racist people defending him and he’s had to try and find ways to get that to stop, and that continues to be very real, but people were also pissed off at Ranboo for a bunch of other reasons that went unspoken.
In some ways this situation is the child of black-and-white thinking, something is either absolutely right or absolutely wrong, and by extension people are either absolutely right or absolutely wrong. People are very afraid of being absolutely wrong themselves, so they hunt down specific permissions to do things, and then use the letter of the law to protect themselves when someone says “hey this is kinda off.”
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Day in the Life of an Aspiring Author: Resetting My Writing Life (#01)
Resetting your life is just a process of seeing what sucks, figuring out how to change that, and making a plan for moving forward. I really do need to do this for my whole life, but I am a huge mess right now and I need to take baby steps or I'll get overwhelmed and go back to what I was doing before.
Why I'm resetting my writing life.
For now, my writing life is getting this treatment, because my ultimate goal is to make my living from some kind of combination of writing, blogging, and my youtube channel. That makes it so important for my writing life to be efficient and organized, especially because I don’t have a single thing published yet.
How to reset your writing life.
For this process I actually cannot take credit. I got these steps from the amazing Struthless on YouTube, who is one of my favorite inspirational productivity creators. You can get a worksheet of this process (his is not writing focused) for absolutely free from the description of his video introducing the process, and that can be found here.
Step 1. Brain Dump
The first step is to just literally empty every thought you have onto paper or into the computer. This was unexpectedly helpful for me, because I realized that a lot of the thoughts that were bothering me were actually things I was about to address with this reset. Some of the stuff I wrote was too personal to share widely, but here’s a procured version. All of the things here were on my list, I just omitted several that had to do with a medical condition I suffer from. Please excuse my typos…
- I don't want to do this emptying your head exercise.
- but it's part of the steps and it will literally bother me so bad if i skip a step so lets do it.
- its annoying that my desk is messy
- I miss my husband even though he's right in the other room napping.
- I'm not hungry but i feel like eating anyway
- I feel guilty about not practicing [religion] lately. I've just been so busy and in so much pain
- I also feel guilty that I haven't been exercising lately.
- I'm seeing a trend with these thoughts.
- I feel guilty about not working on reaching my goals.
- good thing I'm doing a life reset today, that will make me feel better about all this.
Step 2. Identify your goals from 6 months ago.
Looking at my journal from the beginning of the year, I have a very long list of extremely vague “goals” which are really just offhand wishes, and the only one that had to do with writing was “Write more.”
Thanks, past me. Super helpful of you.
Step 3. Compare that to how the last 6 months actually went.
All in all, I don’t think I wrote more in the last 6 months than I did in the 6 before that. I don’t have the data to back that up, which just means this step will ultimately be more helpful 6 months from now than it is now.
Thankfully, I have learned how not to set goals. That will help me later.
Step 4. Assess why you missed some goals and hit others.
Again, sarcastically thanking my past self, because I think I missed my one goal, but I’m not totally sure. I suppose the fact that I’m not happy with how much I wrote tells me that I missed it.
The reason I missed this one is that the goal-setting system of randomly claiming that I want something and then making no effort to pursue it isn't the greatest method…
Okay, I swear I’m going to stop bullying myself now.
Step 5. Identify your ideal second half of the year, and why you want it.
Easy enough. I made goals related to my blog and to YouTube as well, but I’ll just share with you my two goals most related to writing.
- Focus better when writing, because it will help me get my novel written faster.
- Publish my book, because then I’m one step closer to living off my writing.
Step 6. Turn the results above into actionable goals, and rank them by importance.
“Focus better” has the same issues my “Write more” goal from 6 months ago had, so we’ll turn that into, “Make an acceptable amount of measurable progress during each hour that I work.” Which might seem extreme, but if you knew me you wouldn’t be surprised. I always either put in no effort or too much effort into everything I do.
The other goal becomes, “Publish my book on my own website by the end of the year.” I don’t trust anyone else with my book, not an online e-book seller and certainly not a traditional publisher. I have a deep (maybe irrational… maybe not) distrust and dislike of large companies. Many people will not agree with me on this, and I'm fine with that.
Step 7. Who would you need to be to complete these goals?
To complete my goals, I would have to be a prolific author, a hard worker, responsible, dependable, an effective time manager, someone who loves their job. I would like to believe I already am these things, I just haven’t proven it yet.
Step 8. Create a system where you can realistically hit your goals over the next 6 months.
Okay, first, the publishing goal, because this is easy.
1. write the outline
2. write the first draft
3. edit in passes
4. create the cover
5. buy a domain and website
6. list my book for sale on my website
7. execute a marketing plan
Elementary. So, not everyone is going to be alright with how strict my system is for this next one. It’s just that I need a lot of rules for things to work for me.
1. Create a daily log called “Who I am”, where each day’s entries will be filled with proof that I am all the things I said I would need to be to reach my goals.
2. Starting a writing day, add this hour's entry to the "who i am log".
2. create a task for work above the entry.
3. set a 15m timer and attempt to complete the task by the time it goes off.
4. add a bullet to that hour's entry stating what progress was made.
5. repeat until the hour is over.
6. start over, and do this process for each hour intended to be a work hour.
Step 9. How will you continue when things get tough?
Now, for this next part, I will share my process with you for how I am going to guarantee I consistently make progress. But you have to promise not to laugh at how completely extra I have made it. I swear I am not kidding, I am actually gonna do this. I am just completely 100% serious about not being an inconsistent lazy asshole anymore. So here it is…
[first month]
1. set up your environment to make your systems ridiculously easy. it would be silly to not do it now.
2. It's human to make mistakes. when you realize you made a boo-boo, immediately do something to rectify it, even something small.
3. For every significant day of progress on a goal, place a sticker on the reward chart. That feels so good, doesn't it? for every major goal reached, have a fucking party! literally. you deserve it.
4. create a list of goals, overarching goals with their systems attached, each month. include a reminder that mistakes are human, but to also immediately rectify them when you notice them. laminate that bitch, put it across from the toilet, and iterate it every time you sit on the toilet to [redacted]. iterate by thinking, saying, and writing it (keep a little notebook and pencil on the bathroom shelf). place reminders to iterate in other places, like the bathroom mirror, computer desk, fridge, a wristband, written on your hand, and desktop of computer. not every place at once, but put it in one place, then move it when you start to notice yourself ignoring it.
[subsequent months]
1. make sure your environment is set up to make your systems ridiculously easy to follow.
2. give yourself a sticker for every day of significant progress, and throw a party for every major goal reached.
3. At the beginning of each month, create a new iteration, editing it if needed, and include the reminder about mistakes every time. move the physical reminder around as needed to keep it fresh. ensure the little notebook and pencil are still on the bathroom shelf for written iteration.
4. iterate regularly!
Step 10. Why do you deserve this?
I wrote some pretty personal stuff for this section, so suffice it to say that I believe that you (yes, you!) deserve to improve your life and reach your goals, and that I do too.
Step 11. Take Action Now.
When I got to this part, I worked on my novel’s outline for a while. Action successfully taken!
What’s next?
I worked on this wonderful journaling exercise all day, so now I’m going to take a very healthy Brain Break. I’m going to shoot fireworks with my family because it’s my 1 year old’s first cognizant 4th of July, and I’m going to watch Independence Day with my husband after the baby goes to bed. But tomorrow…
Tomorrow I am popping OFF with my writing. I’ve been screwing around in the story planning stages of this novel for a month, but at the end of the day tomorrow, I will hold a glorious completed novel outline in my own two hands, and it will be amazing.
Thank you for reading my blog. If you liked this post, please consider buying me a coffee. Every cent I make from my writing is a blessing to me and my family that I’m incredibly grateful for.
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Hi there! I know that this is really out of the blue but im asking for a favor or some help w/ my cats current medical needs. Please if you have an extra time to boost/share it for us so that we could get some traction or it could reach more people, it would definitely help a ton! I understand if its not okay, Im so sorry for taking some of your time and I wish you to be safe and healthy always, xx.(Please considering answering my ask privately or probably hit me a msg if its fine! 😭🙏
Hi! I will choose to not reblog it and I will give exactly the reason why so in case you are a genuine person you might get the problem and be able to address it and give a reason as to why you just have a blog that is just like any other scam asking for help.
You have posted the post about your cats on February 3rd
Nothing strange there.
Now your blog is very bare bones. It doesn't even have the custom Tumblr URL showing up. No theme. Just an icon, banner and description.
Again... Not that strange on it's own. But! You have archive disabled.
Which seemingly stops me from checking when your first post was created. But in the end that's not necessary because scrolling down a bit makes me able to find it easily. Too easily.
Posted on... February 3rd. The exact same day the post asking for help was created. In fact not even an hour before your asking for help post. And this is not a side blog. You sent me an ask after all.
You know how many scam financial aid stuff I get in my inbox? I reblogged stuff that ended up being a scam before. At this point I only reblog after doing a bit of a check.
Because you know, there are real people in need of help, people I will look and have old Tumblr blogs with posts of their own and clear interests. Not some reblogged posts of what's on the popular tags and suddenly a post asking for help.
Your blog looks like many scam blogs exploiting the kindness of people who want to help. Why would you have a need of making a whole new Tumblr account with a new email, reblogging some random posts before posting a post asking for monetary aid not even 20 minutes later?
And you only want people to answer to your ask privately. You don't want it to be known you asked for it. Because if I just reblogged your post it would seem more trust worthy. I reblogged a post from the source. "Maybe they even know the person" my followers might think. You even followed me because I will be so much more willing to reblog it if it means I get a new follower who's definitely interested on hearing me talk about Minecraft YouTubers on the daily.
And I'm sorry if you're telling the truth and I sound cruel (And I hope your cat gets well soon if that's the case) but... I don't feel well making my followers possibly giving money to a possible scam because I promoted it. You have to prove to be an actual blog, genuine person, for me to actual consider reblogging a post asking for money.
And in part I am answering this because your post seems ok. Believable. But I also know the ability of Tumblr scammers I have fallen for some beforehand. Because even though your cat pictures seem to have originated on your post that doesn't really change much because I could share a photo that I took of a cat last week, that was never on the internet, and do this
I am so sorry to have to ask for this but my cat, Plinko, had to go to the vet because he was breathing weird.
Now the doctor has said we need to do more tests and with possible medication it can be quite a lot of money.
I am asking for $300 for now but things might get worse. :(
So please if you can help (you don't have to) it would be really appreciated if you helped with the costs. 💜
Ca$happ: xxxxxxx
It's not difficult. The certificate you showed? Not difficult to make in Word. There's not a single signature from a veterinarian (which you could fake anyway), neither a stamp (more difficult to fake)
This logo is available online in a transparent format.
So is this one...
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Prev anon here 👋 yeah Im choosing to believe dream didn’t know all this stuff about mana until the threads, hence why he was so impulsive. But that “gullible” tweet was such a punch in the gut to fans and I’m glad he apologized for it. at the same time, dream is the biggest fucking idiot for not doing a simple background check on someone he was about to give a massive platform to. I don’t care if they were childhood friends. Dream has a responsibility to not promote dangerous people if that information is readily available. I’m still gonna continue to watch his content but I’ve just accepted the fact that he lies A LOT. Most cases are understandable as he doesn’t want to put himself and others in harms way but regardless, his word is not always fact and we should keep this in mind as we navigate fandom spaces. Anywho thanks for hearing my rant in two parts loool
this is very trueee this is p much the same view as i have on him. like i said before, him knowing and promoting him seems really out of character, which is definitely just speculation, but like you said, i think it's unlike him to be. this kind of malicious. maybe i'm wrong but i've always seen his greater flaws as being kind of impulsive, defensive, and entitled. id think the worst is really just that he does not take responsibility for inciting his fans to act a certain way. but putting a known abuser in the limelight of many many young girls? just seems so out of character. i think i'm with you that he either really didn't know, or didn't think manatreed is an abuser for one reason or another. but again, that is just pure speculation based on who i see him as.
anyways! yeah i don't think it's the biggest deal to continue watching his content. frankly, it's not gonna change anything either way, a majority of his following is younger kids on youtube who are unlikely to hear or care about this anyways, yknow? for me personally, i've never really consumed his work that he puts out, so imma just keep doing that
also YEAH remember when everyone was really worried about this seemingly random man that dream and co were platforming. and how he hard vouched for him. like cmon man you have an incredibly dedicated following of primarily young girls, you need to be careful. i mean even the statement he put out today was....hm. not as much as you'd want him to address and felt like a half truth statement where you have to read between the lines. and then acting like nothing happened after, idk mannn. i think i'm just a bit annoyed he's really gonna get away with it so easily though. glad for stonepa speaking on it tbh
i mean the really bothersome stuff is just that people are now praising manatreed and woobifying him despite them adding nothing to prove his supposed innocence, plus some of the stans posting some of the most insane statements just to defend dream, after all he said was "i would never knowingly house an abuser"
#i mean the second paragraph is more premised on the idea that he's currently telling the truth that he did not knowingly house an abuser#for me my opinion would likely change if it came out that he did know somehow. but honestly i feel like that's inciting more doxxing whichhh#yeah#man remember when we though manatreed was callahan or the dteam meetup 💀#anyways#dream critical#manatreed situation#for the blocklist#sorry this one took longer i've been out and then hw 😪 as always#i'm a little mad that he's gonna get away with it like this so easily though#i will say also that i am not at all confident that dream didn't know#like it seems out of character but we only see so little#and if they were really close? i meannnn whats been shown kinda indicates otherwise#which is why i added that bit about him not believing the guy to be an abuser#like he'd be in on it but not. the truth maybe?#it sounds like i'm justifying him but i'm not even a fan of his this is just what i think of his character 😭#indicates otherwise as in. indicates he knew
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Did you ever watch Ghostbusters: Afterlife?
I did, yeah. I wrote a brief review of it over on Letterboxd. There are no spoilers in that review, but there will be spoilers in this blog.
To expand on some of those ideas a little bit:
Ghostbusters Afterlife was clearly produced to satiate the people who whined the loudest about the 2016 all-lady reboot. It is here to remind you that the Ghostbusters were the coolest, most epic legends.
Like, literally half the movie is this plot about kids discovering who the Ghostbusters were for the first time. And it's all spoken in these hushed tones, like, "oh man, you don't know who the ghostbusters are? they saved the world, and were the coolest guys ever." I think I say this in the Letterboxd review, but it's like one of those "Kids React To..." videos, where they get handed a Gameboy and are like "lol, this sure is a weird iphone!!!! I don't get it???" But here, it's a ghost trap and Paul Rudd is showing them clips on Youtube.
A lot of people take issue with that last part, as I understand it. The fact that everyone except for the kids knows who the Ghostbusters are. Maybe I'm reading too much in to it, but the way it was presented, there was still some doubt over whether or not it really happened. Or, more specifically, about whether or not the Ghostbusters did what they did.
Also, the internet is a big place, it's easy to miss out on obvious things, and I'm sure there are things that happened 20 years before I was born that I would've never heard about when I was 12. That's the whole trick of "Kids React To". These kids have lived in a world where everything is provided by their parents and they haven't learned anything outside of that bubble. It's what was making me mad a decade ago when people were like "oh all video games are going to be touch screen mobile games, it's all kids grow up on." And kids also aren't allowed to wield guns or drive cars. As you grow up, your world view expands, and you are able to handle more complex forms of stimulation.
But I bet there are 12 year olds right now who have never seen the 1984 Ghostbusters movie. Or, for something more comparable, The Hutchison Experiments. And in the lore of the movie, there's plenty of reasons why Egon Spengler's granddaughter wouldn't be told who he was. It is addressed.
It's just that element of worshiping the original Ghostbusters that gets me. Like, in Hollywood, Ghostbusters was an accident. It's lightning in a bottle. It was an old script that Dan Aykroyd wrote with John Belushi, a very different movie about sci-fi cowboy lassos, that had to be dramatically rewritten in a hurry when the studio suddenly picked it up. I don't think the script was even done when shooting began. The way I've always read it, Ghostbusters got rammed through production and came out the other end a miracle.
Which is why it's been such a struggle to produce a worthy sequel.
In the film, the Ghostbusters are not good guys. They are working joes. Schlubs. Peter Venkman is more than just snarky, he is deliberately deceitful. He tacitly did not believe in ghosts; when the Dean kicks the GBs out of their college facilities, his read of Venkman is true: "You seem to regard science as some kind of dodge, or hustle." Venkman is here to trick people out of their money. A modern Pete Venkman would be running his own Joe-Rogan-style podcast, scaring us about chemicals in our drinking water and shilling brain supplements. That was the direction his grift was moving in before confirming the existence of ghosts (and that's basically where it lead him in Ghostbusters 2).
Ray is naive to a fault, here because he believes in this stuff with all his heart. Egon is all in on the mad science and sticks around as long as there was bankroll for new toys to play with. And Winston is there for a steady paycheck. They were heroes by accident, and the world immediately turned against them after it was saved.
I mean, one of the primary villains of that film is the Environmental Protection Agency. The EPA's involvement is totally reasonable: they're worried the ghost containment unit is producing toxic waste. Because, let's face it: it probably is. Ghosts exude ectoplasm, a mood-altering substance charged with paranormal energy, so you gotta figure at least some of that is coming out of the machine somewhere. The EPA was trying to assess the danger, and Venkman copped an attitude with them for no reason. Or maybe he even had a reason, and it's because he knew what they were doing was illegal and potentially even deeply hazardous.
So the Ghostbusters were not good guys. They were not heroes. They were not legends. They were just guys that got lucky. In a movie that got lucky.
So when there's this big moment in Afterlife, and a character opens Egon's old jumpsuit to find a half-eaten Crunch bar... it's like... so what? Something fun and disposable becomes this big epic callback. And there's more than a few of those moments in here, where something small from the original movie is treated with this reverence it does not deserve. Because they're trying to apologize to all the people that got weird about the 2016 Ghostbusters.
Which, for the record, wasn't a bad movie. It just also wasn't a good movie. But, again: lightning in a bottle. The production for GB2016 feels like they knowingly rolled the dice on the exact same type of gamble and instead it blew up in their faces. They threw funny actors at a proven concept with barely any script and hoped they could adlib their way in to success. It did not happen.
(And then, of course, you know... the "giving trolls the spotlight" stuff certainly didn't help, either.)
Now we have this "sorry, sorry, sorry, you're right, ghostbusters is sanctimonious" apology movie. There's merchandise to sell to those people. Money matters more.
Ghostbusters Afterlife does at least realize that, to an extent. They do try to portray the new family as a sort of broken home. A single mom, they're out of money, looking for a lifeline. The Ghostbusters had a bad break up decades ago, and people may not even believe they did anything at all. Egon Spengler retired to become a "dirt farmer" and died alone. But that's in the story of the movie. What it presents to the audience is something else, and that's to pump the brakes and get a close-up of someone's face when they say "Who you gonna call?"
Somewhat fortunately, Afterlife is a two hour movie, so there's enough room around the edges of the bad, cheesy fandom winking and "passing the torch to the next generation"-isms for there to be enjoyable stuff. Like I said, the family feels real, there's plenty of fun banter, and despite there being some obnoxious kids in the cast, it doesn't feel like a movie that's just for kids. It does at least carry that vibe of something like The Goonies or whatever, where you wonder if kids should even be watching this sometimes.
I just wish the movie didn't feel like it wraps up in a hurry. Retreading the end of Ghostbusters again bothers me less than them introducing specific characters as plot twists and then instantly throwing them aside with a "Just kidding! It doesn't matter!"
Still, despite everything, I stand by the idea that this is the best Ghostbusters sequel. It's not much, but at least it has that.
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ok unbiased summary/paraphrased transcript from bbh's stream 'cause I watched it fully:
he had started to address the fact that people on twitter were against him working with a6d on the podcast, clarifying the position a6d would have on the podcast by saying that co-host was wrong wording and that he would be a producer/ sound designer he said that
that he had seen the threads he had been sent and the stuff he was messages about in groupchats and that he had already in the past presented his point which he repeated now:
him being friends with someone, or working with someone, or following someone on twitter does not mean he a 100% endorses or supports their actions or thoughts, that people in the audience are probably like that too, and that people do not know what relationship people can have behind closed doors and not to assume why someone may be friends or in contact with someone else
he then started talking about hate in the mcyt community (from the audience to a cc's perspective) and used "someone young" as an example, not using names and using they/them pronouns at the start
(he later reiterated that talking about tommy was on the spot and that he may have said something wrong but that is how it goes with livestreams)
he spoke of how this is not all of the twt reaction and that there are other reasons people are upset and that they have every right to, but he said that some people on twt were saying some truly horrifying stuff about this person (tommy)
he said that some people on twt were going after streamers in the same way they go against faceless corporation, and that people need to understand that they are talking to/about a real person that will take it to heart
he continued to stress that he is really young possibly not even old enough to vote (this is when he accidentally dropped they/them and used he/him and continued to do so, chat easily caught up that it was about tommy anyway)
he said to chill and cut them some slack because them (twt/the audience) don't know what is like to have millions of people to pressure you
and that people need to be careful because the things they say (especially on twt) are amplified by thousands
he said that it made him dislike the platform, bc while it's great to bring up issues to light but it's also a great platform to harass people
that millions of people pushing even the littlest of things can stress out cc's incredibly and that when a cc opens up about those stresses the response shouldn't be "oh too bad! you deserve it!" and that he had seen tons of responses like that even from people he follows and that it was crazy to him that people would react like that
after this he admitted that he was talking about tommy and started using his name going forward
he then said that tommy is super kind and genuine and literally one of the kindest people he knows in the mcyt community and that he has a big heart and that big heart is causing him to take a lot of the things people are saying about him and to him to heart and that he (bbh) thinks people should take that in account as a community and to be nice and chill, to stop being jerks
and repeated his point that because someone is friends with someone that they do not endorse their every action, and that he knows people don't believe that irl and so that they should stop believing that on twt
(in the middle of this he reiterated that he does not speak for tommy, that that are just his thoughts)
he clarified that he is picking onto only one narrow issue with the situation and that this doesn't speak for all of the reactions on the case, and that he just wants to speak on this issue specifically because he has seen it a lot and it's important to him
he then talks about a twt thread someone sent him and proceeds to read it after apologising for being so emotional about this, since he thinks this is a serious issue in the community and theres need to be compassionate, that people shouldn't immediately jump at the worst conclusions
before reading the thread he also interrupts himself to talk about a point someone made and being careful not to name drop them, talking about cc's being attacked/held accountable for past mistakes and wrongdoings, by saying that:
everyone makes mistakes, is selfish, is wrong, he doesn't care who you are, you are not perfect, but that with cc's their mistakes are recorded, filmed, on twt and youtube on twitch and that theory are there forever, and so people can easily find a catalogue of all their mistakes and that they do not understand that those mistakes happend years ago or in the course or years, they did not do those mistakes all in one day, they happened in the past
he talked about cc's fearing speaking about the toxic side of their communities because they would be attacked or cancelled for it
he admitted that he was rumbling since this was off the cuff, as he put it, but that he was simply talking from his perspective as a cc
he then started reading this thread:
https://twitter.com/barbz4dream/status/1403825864442269699?s=19
after reading it he clarified that he did not 100% agree or disagree with the thread, but that it was a great starting point for discussion because a lot of the things they said about the community was on point, that he thinks that the community pushes a culture to be toxic against someone being barely critical against a cc and that people should be critical but that people should be courteous and that people are not obligated to like them (the cc's)
that he saw recently on twt a lot of a mentality that people cannot change past their mistakes and a lot of assumptions about people behind closed doors and their relationships
he finished by reiterating that people should be kind, treat people like they would like to be treated, that you should be kind to everyone, and that when it comes to cc's, while you are one person it may feel like not much damage, comparing it to someone throwing one pebble, that there are thousands or other that will throw stones at the same time.
this is so long but is basically a barely paraphrased transcript of what he said, make of it what you will, hope is clear to read enough, I can't bring myself to check and edit it rn since I'm busy
Thank you sm!!!
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I really hate 2d purists. No, not 2d animation. Not 2d animators.
2d purists.
The sad thing is it’s gotten to the point that I really cringe hearing any pro-2D sentiment at all. I hate the arguments I agree with because how often they're misused and weaponized by idiots.
Let me make my stance here clear - 2d is NOT appreciated and 3d is used for everything! The layman Karen-mom who doesn’t have an artistic bone in her body looks at stupidsmooth 3D Grubhub ads and assumes quality cause it “looks more real” (aka ‘rendered’). I know as much is true because I literally have a member of my family who told my sister and I that she thinks 3d is better (and also that she “tolerated THOSE movies for us kids”. Touching words. My sister was taking an animation course by the way). Combined that with the studios either using 2D for cheap stuff or finding good 2d animation too “costly”, I get it and I’m not even any animator. I'm just a worm an illustrator.
but holy HELL -
There’s a backlash from the artistic community that's it's own kind of insufferable and deserve to be addressed.
“(insert2Danimatedfilm) is better BECAUSE it's 2D!”
followed by: "Animation is a visual medium and the quality of the art affects how much the story means !!!!”
Yes. Totally. Animation is a visual medium and the look and style is important. Sadly, people use this excuse to really obnoxious ends, insisting that design being pretty is '' everything ''. When you treat a movie more as a special effects demo I get why you talk about the artistry at hand; but I’m sorry, visuals are not the only thing important and it’s why I’m also getting sick of the sameElsafacesyndrome rants too! There’s this attitude that's reads as "but it LOOKS better fromaproductionimage/teasertrailerwhichapparentlyisindicativeof all themovieactuallyis so it MUST BE better".
-“3D should only be used to make things look realistic!”
I think I know the logic this criticism is made in response to, and that’s the Sony + Illumination films which look just as good in 2D as they do in three dimensions. I know it feels like people are twisting this medium to try and make it like a classic cartoon when by all means people can and would love a classic cartoon being a classic cartoon. That I get- From the unsung 2D animator’s perspective, that’s more than valid !
But it’s a huuuuuuge slap in the face to 3d in saying it should only be used for "realistic animation" because
1: It’s not like realistic animation could age badly or look uncanny in the next few years. It's almost like technology is constantly improving, which I guess 2d animation never did and it was always the same technique and quality as every film that came after it.
2: The industry does treat 3d as a magic-moneymaker for this reason. Just listen to these people call the 2019 LION KING “live action” as if they’re embarrassed to call it animation. It IS animation! It would be impressive if you acknowledged that what it is, but like the CATS, you basically are treating it as just a neato tool to better your live action and not it's own artform - which it is!
3: By this “three-deeonly gud when real liek in da toystories” non-logic I guess 2d should ONLY be for flowyflowy SPACE JAM cartoons and maybe some Disney*. Just that though. You can’t do anything more with 2d. It’s never supposed to be realistic I guess. Good thing Richard Williams only did 'toons' and just toons that’s why we need 3d in the world I guess.
Wait no - that’s stupid.
"I HAVE to see the “Land Before Time 14″ when it comes out! I mean it’s a 2D animated film!"
Lost in the aether that is Youtube comment chains removed from kid's videos is a stream of this very VERY stupid argument supporting the buying of the 14th LAND BEFORE TIME film because it’s supporting 2D. My sister and I can be found on that chain arguing against this stupidity. All you have is my word, but trust me: it really did happen.
I’m sorry but...no.
Unless you have a friend or a family member who worked on these movies there’s no reason to see this and ESPECIALLY no reason to insist it’s a win for the 2D community if you buy up this crap - and I'm not judging if you do like it, but come on! LAND BEFORE TIME 14 isn't where your money should go if you really like this medium.
What’s so infuriating about this argument is you can tell it’s made by nonanimators. Real animators will tell you to support their movies cause they want some respect for their artform which is why there’s such a push from the PRINCESS AND THE FROGcrowd that you SEE and LOVE every 2d thing out there, regardless of how good it is because any recognition for it is k i n d o f what they're after!
Kiddy sequel schlock isn’t even in the same ballpark as KLAUS or WOLFWALKERS; these films DID have very limited theatrical runs (Klaus so it could be nominated; Wolfwalkers in places where theaters opened up after Covid) and should have been supported because they were labors of love made by people who love animation.
As other people have already pointed out, one of the reasons for the lack of interest in 2000sera2D animation is that the only films released alongside critical+financial 3D hits were cheaper 2D films that either coincided with daytime tv shows or should have been just direct-to-video. It’s not to say art couldn’t come out of these flicks, but dayum if it wasn’t abused as much as the texture software that era's CG used... Point being, should the world ever go back to normal: If you hear about an out-of-town showing an acclaimed 2D animated film, make time to trek out and see THAT!
Don’t give your money to see yet another made-for-tv movie on the big screen because all that tells the studio is: “yeah 2d IS cheap and only good for cheap stuff let’s just keep it cheap. Only 3d is important 8D 8D 8D !!!"
“I don’t understand how it works. So it sucks.”
This text is from an ANIMATOR btw.
“I don’t understand how it works” and “it’s just some computer rendering” is the exact same wave of logic the people who prefer cgi use.
The plebian Karen I mentioned earlier? She understands the basics of 2D animation as much as you did from one of those cruddy flash classes you took in middle-school. She 'understands' the basics cuz she watched how it was made on the DVD features or maybe back on the WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY. To her, the illusion is broken and she’s not impressed by 'just some drawings on paper'. You, an animator, know the process is more complicated and is intrigued by knowing how it’s made - not bored or disinterested -
Neither you nor Aunt Karen have really good cg-animation software at your house and unless you ARE a 3D animator you probably DON’T know all the ins-and-outs of how these movies are modeled, rendered, and animated.
Aunt Karen is bedazzled by them cause she doesn’t know how it works and the technical aspect makes her brain hurt so it might as well be magic and she can feel like a cool kid sharing Minion-memes. Aunt Karen is the nonartistic type who just wants to feel safe. You're not. You want to feel challenged.
I get it: you’re pissed off cause you’re in a field no one, including Aunt Karen, appreciates; told to work in cg which it's an artform you didn’t devote your life to and told to learn it cause THIS style sells! 3D is everywhere and is starting to look like 'garbage' even if you don’t animate 3D models yourself you just KNOW, I guess. Besides, you know all there is to know about 2d!! You know all there is to possibly know about this artform and have to fight this 'war' against "r e a l" animation! And I mean even when 3d software is there to use, it's not like you can actually make anything worth while in it, especially not anything that transcends the medium. Right Worthikids?
TL;DR: This argument is basically just " BWAAAAH I’M NOT GONNA USE IT I HAVE STANDARDS (a chip on my shoulder cuz art should be what I deem it to be) "
“PRINCESS AND THE FROG is-”
There’s a reason I can’t say I truly like PRINCESS AND THE FROG even though it's not even a bad movie! Like, stop reading this and watch PATF if you haven't it's good. It's my 'FROZEN', in that; I see a lot of potential in it I just think it needs some serious rewriting and that bugs me. Always have felt that way, tbh.
I dislike this movie because the response from the animation community seems to be it was perfect and the Academy was just Pixar-crazy with UP ((ftr, the Academy IS Pixar’s bitch and I personally advocate a sequel be made to WAKING SLEEPING BEAUTY about Mike Eisner’s sabotage of the 2D department at Disney which is still in place now!- but that’s a story for another day)). I’m sorry but UP was just a better story. So was CORALINE. So was FANTASTIC MR. FOX. Honest to god it feels like poor PATF is brought up as just a talking point and never for it's own worth as a labor of love - which it was! I'd like to honestly know: had PRINCESS AND THE FROG come out now and been cg if it would have even half the defenders for it because now it doesn't "look" like how a Disney movie "should" look...
If you like PatF more than the currant Disney lineup because of it's culture, it's music, it's feminism, it's black representation? Awesome. Great. Those things should be appreciated and I never want that taken away from you. But if you seriously think PatF is better just for how it was animated and looks - I lowkey may hate you.
“ALL OF DISNEY’S LATEST MOVIES SHOULD HAVE BEEN 2D! THEY ALL LOOK AWFUL IN 3D!! ALL OF THEM!”
TANGLED, FROZEN, and MOANA? Yeah. Sure. But um, e x c u s e y o u- WRECK IT RALPH sooooo doesn’t work in 2d! It could have used different between the various worlds but it’s about hopping through different video games. I’m also of the opinion that ZOOTOPIA and BIG HERO 6 are fine the way they are. Their 3d is awesome.
The latest fairy tale Disney films are really big on their place alongside the 2D canon esp in marketing. They keep trying to mimic 2D to varying results though I don't think it works as well as the movie's I'd previously mentioned. Me personally, I would love a mix of 3D and 2D technology, like if the backgrounds in FROZEN still got to be 3D but the characters were handdrawn and shaded ala KLAUS ((sweet sigh)). But even then are they truly unwatchable just based on how they're animated to you?
MOANA would have been incredible in 2D but for the record - I don't think it feels out of place in it's style. It reminds me more of a Pixar movie with the heart of a Disney classic which is it's own just as good.
“2D is the oldest form of animation and it’s being replaced.”
Actually, if we’re talking animation in film, stop motion is the earliest form of animation. The stop motion animated THE ADVENTURES OF PRINCE ACHMED and TALE OF THE FOX predate Disney’s SNOW WHITE. And yes: stop-motion IS still a form of animation even if it’s a serious of pictures taken of real life things and not drawings, so don’t you dare come at me with the "but that's not animated"/"Technically it’s LIVE ACTION" crap or I’ll envoke the spirit of Sandman to get you at night.
“Every animated film would look better in 2D! Even PIXAR would look better in 2D!”
Again, Stop Motion.
No, I mean it.
Lemme ask: Would ISLE OF DOGS or FANTASTIC MR. FOX carry any of the same effect if they were generic 90s toons? I know NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS wouldn’t. Christ, don’t even get me started on Svankmajer!
Sometimes the problem is that a movie is envisioned with a specific artform in mind. Pixar started out with toys and bugs for a reason and that’s cuz they were always gonna be a 3d studio and they needed to first overcome the placisity of the models. Over the years they’ve gotten really good at effects and blending unrealistic proportions with real textures (and also not so much- ONWARD and THE GOOD DINOSAUR really needed some different character designs and yeah, I do think would have looked better with a 2d artstyle, but not the ones they had in their films. THE GOOD DINOSAUR needed more realistic-speculative looking dinos and ONWARD needed a grittier HEAVY METAL/BLACK CAULDRON appeal to its designs.) My point being that the problems with these movies aren’t even inherently the animation as much as it is a problem of style. As someone who runs a group speculating different styles and designs for movies and tv shows I’m all for envisioning a 2D ZOOTOPIA or Bluth-inspired FNAF. That’s amazing!
But that’s also the talk of fan artists and nerds and not the professional artists working on visualizing their stories!!
Since I ate, slept, and breathed NIGHTMARE in my youth I’ll use it as an example: All the concept art ever done for TNBC was on paper and 2D was used in the final film. However, even when Tim Burton was thinking of making it just a tv special it was always going to be stop-motion. NIGHTMARE’s puppet cast do work very well in two dimensions, believe me, but the film was made as a love letter to Rankin/Bass and the art form of stop-motion. Skipping to another Henry Selick-helmed project (haha), JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH was also always envisioned as a multimedia film to give it a truly dream-like atmosphere. If you know anything about Henry Selick you’ll know he’s 1) a perfectionist, and 2) loves mixed media and different types of animation and puppetry at once. That’s why he was the perfect pick to direct TNBC at the time, why JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH and CORALINE are so beautiful and why MOONGIRL, his only fully 3d film, doesn’t have the same appeal.
As for what films I couldn’t imagine NOT being 3D? Probably; 9, Padak, Next Gen, Soul, Finding Nemo, the Toy Story films, Wreck-it-Ralph (as previously mentioned), Wall.E, Waltz with Bashir, Robots, Inside Out, Arthur Christmas, The Painting, Happy Feet, Shrek, Enter the Spiderverse, Megamind… just naming a few here.
“I want a traditionally animated film [and by that I mean a 90s-Disney/Don Bluth looking movie] of ‘x'-popular live action/stage thing!”
Okay I’m cheating a bit but it’s my blog and so I’m gonna stick this one in because it’s related.
When I see musings about wanting live-action or CGI shiz to be in 2d again a lot of the time this argument actually boils down to " I want this to look like a 90s Didney movie ". Or, if it’s about animals - " I want it to look like a Don Bluth film! "
Like...there ARE other styles of animation out there...you know that right?
Frack, Disney themselves tried different styles throughout the 90s it’s just that the peak of the Disney renaissance films (LITTLE MERMAID, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, ALADDIN, THE LION KING) and the many imitators that followed tended to have the same look to them where only film/animation nerds kept watching into the era that was TARZAN, HERCULES, and ATLANTIS along with the kids. Aunt Karen wasn't singing Part of your World in the carride with you every day.
The Don Bluth argument is especially irritating because...what exact feeling do you WANT from a movie if it looked Bluthish? Each of the four ‘quintessential’ Bluth movies (NIMH, AMERICAN TAIL, LBT, and ALL DOGS) have such a different feel to them that’s complimented by that style; SECRET OF NIMH is a drama about wild animals trying to understand humans; LAND BEFORE TIME is even more squarely about an animal’s perspective as there’s literally no humans around; AMERICAN TAIL uses animals stowing away on the ship to tell a story about refugees; and ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN is ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN.
What the frack are you even asking for with that because I think there’s a certain flavor to the Bluth-styled oeuvre as well as the 90s Disney catalogue that would clash too much stylistically with some films.
Also come on! Like some Bluthian-style 2d would really fix THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS or SCOOB!, bite me.
I think this fixation solely on these two hand drawn styles and nothing else is based on nostalgia goggles, refusing to step outside the norm and discover different films and feelings than Disney and Bluth, and just preference. Goin back to NIGHTMARE there will always be a special place in my heart for Henry Selick’s stop motion, but I couldn’t imagine CHICKEN RUN or ANOMALISA in it's unique style.
Also I’m tired of every time there’s a "lets make an animatic to ‘x’ musical theater song" it’s reliably just Disneyesque or realistic. WHY envision an animated version of the show at all if it doesn’t have A STYLE to it??!?! I’m sorry but 90s-Disney does NOT fit CABARET!
“3D is so CHEAP now! Why can’t they just do 2D again?”
I think - on the cusp of the 2020s and the Grubhub hatedom, there ARE changing times ahead for 3d and 2d. The general public are starting to get tired of the same looking 3d films and wanting some 2d back, but they don’t have the best resources or opinions on animation to know what it is they want. Meanwhile, the animation community + industry is trying to figure out what to do and you have a lot of turmoil between the monopoly that is the industry, the high standards of the artists, and the mixed wants of the animation fanbase deciding what art needs to be.
It’s a tough business. And in the spirit of that tough business - maybe DON’T act like the means of a film’s production is solely your control, that you know best, and know definitively what the artists should have done....cuz you don't. Sorry my fellow criticalfanomanalysist-folks we DON'T and in an age of standom where fans and critics think it's okay to hackle indie animation studios about not getting their pitched cartoon out fast enough - we need to reserve these discussions to our circles and not treat them as gospel.
3d animation and 2d animation have to share this world. Stop acting like they’re either interchangeable in terms of budget, means of production, or artistry or that one has to be superior to the other.
The industry already says one art form is better (spoiler: it’s always live-action), we don’t need anymore of this purist garbage. Just stick to what you like while trying new things on the side. Be critical while also being compassionate. And remember:
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#animation#animation on tumblr#2d animation#3d animation#traditional animation#hand drawn animation#Franki's Features
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So once again we are to this point when it comes to the Christina + Ruby server drama. Now I realize I made a YouTube video that explained my disgust of certain Fanfic Writers writing community of Lovecraft Country that write for the Ruby and Christina fandom that's ran by Kswhateverspace and Hernameisjaye. Now know it looks like I bullied somebody but that's far from the case, as every action has a reaction. Now because the situation I wasn't going to go too much into it until, someone told me about the twisted mess both Kwhateverspace and the other admins were saying. And it had come to alot of my members attention that they done stuff with members in the past and it has clearly made people unhappy to a point where they aren't talking in thier own server. When it comes to the Ruby plus Christina server owned by Kwhateverspace, I joined with decent intentions and it thought it was a community that shared a love for Christina and Ruby, but it turned out to be a Sixth-Grade Mean Girls Special on Crack. I never wanted it to get to a racial points between servers, but it is looking like these white women with a Misguided Black Woman as thier Server Owner, obviously do not know what true racism is and how to handle their power as Admins and accept others opinions. And the saddest part is that not just me but other members have been kicked out for absolutely no reason and I don't know if anybody seen Kswhateverspace Blog. But everything on there is just about a lie, she claims that all of us violated the rules but nobody was given any warning before being kicked out. Now mind you I do know that the rules exist but the rules should have been implemented for more extremer conditions, but none of us members took it to that level. The issue that I have with the other server is their ability not to gauge a situation at any kind of frequency of balance as they just kick off people who they don't like. A friend of mine who's in my Discord now got kicked for absolutely saying a joke it was nothing that was malicious or ill intent to these people, and while I get that respecting their mental health as Fan Fic writers is a thing to do, me and others always supported before we started reading racist ass Ruby and Chirstina fics. This friend of mine was enthusiastic about reading their stories and very supportive and we all kept a good positive energy that could be see in my current Discord. The issue that the Admins on the Christina + Ruby Server is that they made someone's enthusiasm for a story seem like it was an issue with harassment and that was not cool eespically when she meant it in a LOL kind of way. There was no reason for her to get kicked off just like there was no reason for my other friends to get kicked off and there was no reason for ME to get kicked off. I understand people were all into safe spaces and making safe spaces but as Admins they should've addressed thier complaints to people in warnings, but the kicked people for simply commenting. Thus making thier own server and its members uncomfortable to be themselves and thats when becomes a dangerous place and if I hadn't of known that I would've never ended my own server to expose my friends to their toxicity. The issue between the Admins is that pride themselves on being Admins, but the lack leadership skills and comprehension skills necessary for it. For me as an Admin if there was an issue with a person's comments I would talk to them in Dm's and warn them. So for them to say that they're not big on public warnings that is fine, but when you do not privately warn somebody for a simple comment and for them to get kicked the next day something isn't right. Also how can a behavior improve if there is no communication between an Admin and their members? Me as an Admin I dont function that way, I always take the time if someone comes to me with a complaint to address the person on DMs. And if you read Kwhateverspaces blog on the issue and the screenshots nothing she says parallels to the intent in which these comments where said.
The issue that I have with this group is there ability to flex around their power an act like we had did something so wrong when we were simply just expressing our opinions. And we were well within our respectable means to address our opinions in the saddest part is that these admins are white within a predominantly black server and they do not get our way of culture.
Now as for the next member who was kicked it was totally uncalled for as she questioned why I was gone due to the fact that I told Hernameisjaye to learn her Black History due to the fact that she and another member Agent Sheryl did not understand why I did not think Christina was racist I had a whole You Tube Video about it. So they knew my opinion on it and why they chose to double team me on an opinion was so uncalled for. So when I made the comment that I'm sorry if I dont want to be black and militant to a character that I dont find as racist she flipped out on me, and kicked me I never called her anything I told her the truth and if you've seen my YT people know I could've taken it alot further with these Birdbrain Hoes. Nevertheless until a certain point I thought we were having a decent civil discussion, yet she took it out of context very fast when I said what I did and as for the Black History factor you could see that they were giving no concern to it and only cherry picking my words to make me seem antagonistic to them, as I was telling them about the harm that white women had done in history vs Christina Braithwhite. Now mind you I had told Hernameisjaye several times that she is entitled to her opinion and I was entitled to mine and it's as you could see on the time stamps. At one point I thought it was a civil discussion, that was until I got kicked out for it. It's clear that these Admins have no commonsense to read a room and come to a basic agreement, even as I was telling them they have an opinion and I have mine and I respect it. And yes I was mad for the kick and I did warn Kswhateverspace that I would be going to my platform with it and she even gave her approval of it as I do have the screen shots for that as well.
Hernameisjaye along with Agent Sheryl had been going on a Christina is racist rant for two days, and both were very antagonistic to those in the Serious Discussions Discord Server, who engaged her. I even went so much so to agree with her just to shut her up, yet she kept on at agonizing me and another member to the point of harassment. It was clear that they had spoken about us, before as they were so ready to kick us AGAIN WITH OUT WARNING US PRIOR. Now I will be continuing the Dandybear situation on part two. However I find it messy that these Admins cherry picked our conversations that me and the other member thought where civil and tried to turn it into something uncivilized on our end. This is the same kind of intent that always happens when it comes to black and white people, it always happens that a white person says something out of line and then when black person gets mad then they act as if the black person had antagonized and started the situation. Hernameisjaye is really sad at this point to try a tactic like that, and it's detrimental that shes allowed racism into her group, but has dropped the people that meant her no harm with there opinions as FELLOW BLACK WOMEN.
The Admins Kwhateverspace and Hernameisjaye claim that they want freedom for people to express themselves, but they act like bullies when the situation is not to their favor. Yet it was after the fact that told a lie and still continue to tell one after another member and I were kicked, that made the situation worse. You can read the screenshots of my responses on Kwhateverspaces blog or this one qnd you can clearly see I did nothing in the wrong, as I was coming at Hernameisjaye as one black woman to another. And if she had talked to me in DMs and cleared things out maybe I would've apologized for the comment even if I personally thought I wasn't wrong for it, as I had no shame in my game to apologize even when I'm not wrong.
YET the point I cant stand the most is that they overreacted to a statement I made, and yet they allowed a racist fan fic writer to stay in group. It is clear these Admins don't have thier heads on straight as they kick us out for having a simple opinion or objection to common discussion. Now I do understand there is a level of what Admins can take and what they cannot take, but when you do not make those boundaries clear and when other members make their boundaries clear when your antagonizing them, and you still keep doing it theres something wrong with you as a leader. All I have to say is look at the screenshots and out responses to ours.
#ruby x christina#christina braithwhite#lovecraft country#ruby baptiste#abbey lee#ruby deserved better#wunmi mosaku#lovecraftcountryedit
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Hi, I'm kind of new to your blog, but I really love your writing style! If you have the time/want to, can you write hcs on how Kuroo or Nishinoya would react to their s/o coming out to them as genderfluid? Totally understand if you don't feel comfortable writing it! ❤
yes yes yes yes yes! i'm totally on it! also i'm not really an expert when it comes to gender fluid people, so i let a genderfluid friend of mine read through that and they approved. they also made some modifications. if i offended genderfluidness (?) in a way please punch me.💫
update: i went through 1,5 hours of tiktok and youtube material and asked a few friends what they think.
also thank you for joining this chaos called my blog!❤
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how they react to their s/o coming out to them as gender fluid
kuroo tetsurou, nishinoya yuu
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warnings: none
pairings: kuroo x genderfluid!reader, noya x genderfluid!reader
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kuroo
first of all, i think this guy screams either bisexuality or pansexuality so i don't think he would care much about you gender in the first place
still you didn't tell him from the beginning because... there was no reason really. you failed to tell him in the beginning of your relationship and the longer you were together the harder it was to jump over your own shadow.
you didn't think he would care much but you were afraid he would be mad at you for not telling him in the first place.
kuroo himself suspected that something was bothering you or made you suffer but couldn't quite put his finger on it. he noticed your mood swings and that your behaviour changed sometimes from one day to the other.
your moodiness got worse with the time. some days you would be perfectly fine, happy and feel good in your skin. on other days to the contrary everybody with eyes could tell that you weren't feeling on top of yourself.
different aesthetics would clash, one day you would dress super soft, the next day tomboyish.
kuroo had asked you several times what was wrong with you and assured you that you could tell him anything, but you never felt that it was the right time
one day though
you woke up and immediately knew it was one of those days. the morning was quiet as you walked in your apartment doing different chores but still not feeling like doing anything. you ate and sat down on your sofa, hiding in the chuncky oversized hoodie you were wearing. it covered nearly your whole body. that's how you felt right now. like covering yourself.
that was when kuroo texted you, reminding you of the date you would have this afternoon. you would always be happy to see kuroo but not on days like this. today was especially bad.
so you texted kuroo, excusing yourself by saying you didn't feel well and relaxed a bit knowing that you wouldn't have to go outside today.
but
about half an hour later the door bell rang and kuroo stood in front of you with a whole bag of instant soups, one of his hoodies and wool socks he couldn't resist buying in the convenience store
'y/n, i brought everything! so you lay down and i'll just make you some soup! here take that-' he gave you the socks for you to put on.
that's when he directly looked you in the eyes
'y/n, you don't look sick? you look tired. are you sure everything is alright?' he asked, worry evident in his voice
'yeah, sure. sorry i just don't feel very well today.'
'is something bothering you?' bullseye. he knew something was the matter and it wasn't just a flew. it was something way heavier.
'you know you can tell me, right?' you turned to face him again, testing how much he meant his words by looking him deep in the eyes. you really wanted to tell him. before you could even begin, he took you by the hand and went to the sofa with you, where he sat you both down, holding both of your hands in his
'i'm here for you, y/n' that's when you walls finally broke down as you began to sob
'tetsu...' you began to whisper. 'i'm so sorry but i don't want to lose you'
he placed his hand on your shoulder 'y/n there is nothing you could do to lose me. i just want to know you are happy. that's all!' he said reassuringly
'tetsu' you breathed in heavily, closed you eyes for a second before looking at him directly through your teary eyes. 'i'm ... genderfluid.'
you waited for his reaction. anger, maybe even disgust but what came was ...
he put one hand on his belly to support his laughter 'pfffft, so what? that's what was bothering you the whole time??'
you didn't know what to say so you just looked at him in shock and confusion
it took him some time to calm down but when he did he had the most loving expression on his face
he stroked your arm with his warm hand. 'y/n, i love you for you. i don't care if you feel like a woman or a man, i wouldn't even care if you felt like a fish or something. you still are you and that's all that matters to me.'
you cried again but this time out of relief
he hugged you tightly and spoke up again. 'since when did you know?'
'a very long time now.' you managed to say between sobs
'and you thought i would leave you for this? you should know me better by now, love.'
'sorry. i just... '
'just what?'
'i didn't want to embarrass you. you know people would look at you if you walked around with a (your gender) in (opposite gender)s clothes. if you even would go out with me anymore.'
'you are an idiot to think i would care about that. i would buy you tons of different coloured dresses and suits myself. in fakt... let's do that! we could get matching outfits!!!' he said enthusiasticly making you giggle
nishinoya
i think he would care but not in a bad way. like he would be overprotective of you and always be one step ahead of you
sometimes he would go a bit far though. like his daily good morning messages
'y/n, is today a tiddie day or a non tiddie day?:3'
'NOYA!'
i feel like you would tell him either before your relationship even started or at the very beginning. he doesn't give off very judging or intermediating vibes, so it would be a bit easier to open up to him
you confessed to him on a date
the two of you went shopping together one day. not because you needed something but just for fun. you went into nearly every store in the mall, even those you had no affiliation with. you went to a sports store and tried on at least 20 different fisher hats
after you had lunch you went into different clothing stores trying to get funny matching shirts or something
but noya noticed something
you mainly wandered off to the sections of the store, not typical for your gender
he didn't think of it as much first
maybe you were looking at cozy clothes or something
but no
you went into the changing room with different styles of clothes for different genders.
all, dresses, skirts, blazers, flannels. even a suit
noya didn't know what to say or how to address this topic, so he waited
after you left the clothing store you went to a nearby cafe and had coffee. that's when he decided to ask
'so, um... what did you get?'
you listed the things you bought in pure excitement
'... and this really pretty skirt and you know what? i found this really cool suit jacket too!' you finished leaving noya speechless
you didn't even seem embarrassed about this at all, and why would you be? he thought
'noya?' you pulled him out of his daydreaming
'yeas??? yeah I'm definitely listening?'
'you seem like something is bothering you. is something the matter?' you asked rather concerned
'so ah... i noticed you in the (opposite gender) section earlier and...'
'you wanted to know what this was about.' you finished for him, smiling a little bit as he nodded vehemently
'so this is kinda a hard topic' you began. 'i'm actually genderfluid'
'oh ok!' he said a little to fast and enthusiastically
'you... don't know what that means don't you?' you giggled
'i have not the tiniest bit of a clue!' he said with the same kind of enthusiasm
so you explained and the more you talked the more he understood but at the same time got more confused asking even more questions. not to be nosy though but because he was genuinely interested.
the way you talked made him kinda happy as he had the feeling he now truly understood you for the first time.
he would praise you so much for being so brave to tell him and to live like this. he is very proud of you.
this date would continue for hours as he really liked to talk about this. there would always pop up more questions he needed answers to. but that was ok as he didn't seem any kind of uncomfortable around you but so very open minded and supportive.
so. very. supportive.
from that point on he would ask you to dress however you felt like and
i can totally imagine him researching on the internet himself and buy you lots of pride stuff online.
also i can see you two using each others closets and wearjng each others stuff regularly. i mean so regularly that you didn't even bother bringing your own change of clothes to sleepovers
#haikyuu!! x reader#haikyuu!! fanfiction#haikyuu!! headcanons#haikyuu!!#haikyū!!#kuroo tetsuro x reader#haikyuu kuroo#kuroo x reader#kuroo tetsurou#nishinoya yū#nishinoya x reader#hq nishinoya#noya
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About #Menswear Selected By Guaizine:
Digital Fashion Week - A One Time Only Event?
Milan S/S 21 Menswear @showstudio Round-Up Discussion
Just a few @guaizine reflections about some of the opinions from the experts panel:
..."we are not going to get into a pandemic again"... well, I would not be so sure about it, and I think that is the main reason why we should get digital fashion weeks seriously and realize about the potential they have as a format if we manage to take advantage of it in the proper technical way. Those designers still presenting traditional runway shows have different audiences, broader ones, in comparison with smaller brands where the designer as a person is not as important as the product itself. For these smaller brands digital fashion weeks become crucial, as they represent the only -effective- way to reach a client; direct one or an eventual retailer.
..."give the youth more control of the creation"... this is a very good point of view, and I am pretty sure that many of the people involved in fashion for years, -for generations actually - like happens in many of the houses that take part on the MFW for example, had or still does have that great idea of bringing new blood to their business in mind too, but I am pretty sure also that such a thing won't ever happen if that “old” generation do not effectively see that the new one has the proper tools to make it work.
..."Brands are forced to bring their narratives to people and audiences"... Yes! that is right and that suppose to be the right way to approach the digital fashion week from a brand point of view, that is why I was surprised about not hearing about brands like MSGM or Zegna XXX, that having a quite sharp knowledge of their audiences manage to arrive directly to the core of it with a couple of beautiful presentations undoubtedly effective, taking a few steps away for the storytelling and focusing way more on the product itself, a product that seems to be made for their very specific buyers, and not focused at all on trying to generate trends during the next season. Playing safe is always a valid way of being part of the game.
Another interesting point of view is the budgets brands have to put digital shows online, and is obvious that a bigger budget gives you the potential to do something better in theory but this is not always the case and this is the perfect opportunity to bring the Magliano presentation to the discussion, a low budget presentation with an original collection presented is a creative way, nothing was left behind, and everything works as a perfectly executed puzzle. The video is simply a video art piece, that gives to a group or fashion insiders with an unique point of view the task of sending a message to an audience they know well so they manage to address them exactly what they are expecting from the brand, going even further away by pushing forward the brand appealing with content that to me is interesting to look at also to people who is not actually interested in fashion.
..."I really didn't watch a lot of the films and stuff...because they are so much content to sort of digest"... and? so? What do you think editors do then during fashion week? How can someone build some criteria to later go and write a piece to be posted or published if it is not by watching in this case, or attending in person to every single show in each city season after season? How can you give an opinion about a fashion week by only looking to a few instagram feeds of two or three brands? would that be the proper way to approach a panel discussion?
About Philipp Plein, Pierre was quite clever about going further instead of giving it time to be discussed. I have the feeling that the main reason why we still listen about him and his "work" during every fashion week is because with plenty of resources you manage to survive even if people only talk about you to criticize what you do. Maybe a bit less attention will give him the chance to reflect on his strategy and realize that maybe he has a market -obviously he does have one- but fashion weeks are not the kind of platform his brand needs and that huge budget can be invested on design or marketing.
About Etro doing a physical fashion show instead of a digital one in a city that has been suffering so much during the last months, I think is a topic very difficult to talk about especially if you are out of the social, economical and even political context of it. So I will leave to the brand itself and their PR team to deal with it, but also will avoid giving my free opinion about it on social media because saying that the event was inappropriate because I saw people not wearing masks for example is not only superficial but shows a huge lack of understanding of the context of the industry of fashion in the country, of the circumstances of the city today and so many other topics that goes beyond fashion. So saving the social media hubs our opinions about it I guess is the right attitude towards an issue we all know so little so far. Let's focus on fashion guys, please.
..."The people who were invited to Etro...most of them were white"... how can we be surprised about this in 2020?, there is not much black people involved in fashion, it is been like that for decades, so for me the element of surprise has no place at all in this discussion, what should be the brand doing instead? Inviting a bunch of random people just to make the show look diverse? I think the problem we need to face here once again is the lack of diversity in people involved in the whole industry and not in a particular fashion show that happens to take place immediately after the world has been facing weeks of protests that fight racism. Ironically seem to me like is way more honest a show like that, than the attitude that the most of the brands adopted for digital fashion week trying, desperately to look "inclusive": Being "inclusive" in fashion in 2020 according to digital fashion weeks, from Russia to Paris is "to exclude", Yes, exclude automatically from any fashion presentation or show any blonde model, as simple as that, Go for it and you instantly become "inclusive". Sounds exactly like a few years ago when we saw in the industry suddenly loads of oriental models to reach runways, presentations, and magazines after the fashion insiders finally realized that the oriental market was exploding and greeting western fashion and lifestyle as never before.
About the @gucci presentation and "...who would wear that"... is funny that after years of Alessandro Michele, a panel with plenty of stylists think that way about the brand and seems not to have done the exercise of to look at the clothes produced by the brand and designed by the designer and his team, properly, closely and separately. They all seem to stop instead at the styled looks they get from a magazine, or sadly once again, from the brand's instagram feed...
Let's move on..."There are a lot of brands struggling to survive, struggling to sell"... I agree, that is not a secret to anyone these days, But ironically you only had time to "watch and digest" two, maybe three digital fashion shows and they were of the biggest brands, so? What is the point here? won't those small brands be struggling less if we all will be talking more about them? showcasing them more on our websites and YouTube videos? "watching and digesting" more of their design and ideas? Don't you all guys think that would be a more fair approach to it, and without a single doubt an easy and effective way to "help" them?
..."Milan is always a step behind Paris"... please, let's be careful about this kind of opinion because we risk to look like people that see and live fashion -once again- from and around Instagram and Tik tok. The only reason why Paris and Milan are different is because the brands they showcase are different between them, different because they have different audiences, different markets, different targets, those factors make the difference and are not the trends they generate or not after the runway shows the relevant matter on this issue.
About Versace, the approach I agree was quite good, very much attached to the times. But I still have the feeling, even a few days after, that they missed a huge opportunity to make something great! They have everything that they need to make a video successful, but the director seems to be behind on the timing of the scenes, and rhythm was the big absent on the film, the whole final product seems lacking energy and action, which seems to be difficult not to be able to reach with such a vivrant tune, an stunning dancer, and good clothes - either you like the brand or not- at the end the whole looked more like a music video and not as a fashion presentation. With probably a huge budget you would expect a pretty much perfect piece of content, especially if in the past, smaller brands like Grace Wales Bonner, did stunning pieces like Practice, directed by Harley Weir and Grace herself and Devonté Hynes as a collaborator, demonstrating that is not money to make the different in this cases but talent mixed and balanced in the right way is.
The collection was presented under the title of "flash" because it was a "see now, buy SOON" collection and not a "See now, buy now" since as you mentioned it was not very successful at the end a few years ago. Keeping on Versace, I agree Gianni Versace was one of the main designers of the 90's but saying today that the brand needs to be given "expertise, fabric development and technical design" sounds to me a bit irresponsable. If you want "something a little bit new" I suggest you once again to look and focus on NEW brands, If we like -or not- brands like Versace is because they manage to keep a concept during their history and they try their best to present it in a different way season after season; sometimes they reach better results than others, ( becoming a "miss more than a hit" ;-P ) but at least there is a constant attempt on going beyond fashion and transforming those ideas more into a lifestyle for the people that likes, follows, and more importantly buy the brand products.
Moving into the JW Anderson presentation I heard ..."A designer explaining the meaning behind it...we do not get that from the designer mouth anymore"... come on, that is what designers do to press right before every single fashion show is about to start, and they do it once again to press and buyers after the show ends, is part of the fashion protocole, it is been happening for years, decades, so you will get that from "designers in the future" still, there is nothing to worry about.
A final word goes to Pierre A. who I talked to very quickly on Twitter to express my feelings about this round up discussion and he mention that "a live panel is not an easy exercise (specially on Zoom)" and of course underlining that it was his first time doing it, but from my very personal point of view you managed very well, in this cases one of the most important things to keep in mind is to give space to your guests and you definitely mastered that bit! Very well done! <3
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youtube
Today I feel like talking about something from my dark past. This is my most popular video I have ever posted on youtube. People still both watch and comment on it. It's not even that good. I usually forget that it exists until I get a notification that someone commented on it. And honestly, I usually get a good laugh out of reading the comments. They are a mixture of good and bad, of course. Some nice comments sprinkled with some homophobic ones, and some that I can't tell if they're hating or not.
Example
Some nice comments, obviously from shippers.
Can't tell whether or not they're hating. I think they dislike the video.
And then some that I am 99% sure are hating/homophobic/sexist?
Now what I want to point out real quick is that I made this, as well as all my other fandom/tribute videos, for fun. It is not meant to be taken seriously. I found a song that I thought fit a specific character(s) and put them together in a shitty video because I could. I am still baffled at how much attention this thing is getting. This amongst such gems as my "Laughing Jack - Candy Shop" and "Dio in the Club" videos. Why is anyone taking this seriously, let alone taking time out of their day to comment homophobic shit on it? Do these people have nothing better to do? I mean, I'm literally making this post because I have nothing better to do right now. Also there's the fact that these are fictional characters, why is anyone getting so defensive over them? I don't even reply to these comments anymore, the most I do is like them, I have even liked one or two of the hate comments because they made me laugh so hard.
I do want to address some of the hate comments though. You're welcome for the attention homophobes, no need to thank me. Starting with the first comment in the screenshot, "bastardization of the author's original work", how? Last time I checked, everything in the video was fanart, the artists that I knew I gave credit to in the description, none of it was stuff from the actual book (other than the characters obviously). I did not take any sort of writing from The Silmarillion and edit it, or claim it as my own, or any of that. I did not technically use any of Tolkien's original work. I also do not see how I disrespected the original art (if anyone see's how I may have, please tell me), I gave credit to the artists and the artwork is literally showing them as in a relationship, I just compiled the artwork and put a song over it and called it "Melkor x Mairon".
Responding to the next comment, I don't see how I ruined the characters, if one video is all it takes for them to be ruined then I don't think you liked them very much to begin with. Also, you have no proof that there weren't gays in Middle Earth. None of the books ever said that there wasn't, plus the books are meant as fictional world history books. Tolkien literally based them on world history, and last time I checked there has been homosexuality around since the dawn of humanity.
My response to the third one is going to be short and sweet, as most of what I'm about to write is common sense. Sauron is commonly depicted with long hair, a lot of men have long hair, especially in Middle Earth if you haven't noticed, and does not make him female. Also, Melkor is shown with long hair, yet you didn't include him in your comment. Hmm🤔. Also, I am a feminist, thank you.
The last one I'm not going to bother addressing, for what I hope are obvious reasons, but I do want to address a comment that I didn't include in the screenshots: "Tolkien would be pissed". Somehow, I doubt that? Once again it is a video of fictional characters that is not meant to be taken seriously. Also, as a reader and a fan, we are allowed to read into the book however we so choose, most stories are about 50% reader afterall. And as a writer myself, I would not be pissed at how someone decided to interpret my story or characters, in fact I would feel honoured that someone took time out of their day to make fanart and fan videos for something that I made. Afterall, these things are not made out of maliciouness, they are made by people who want to show how much they love a story or character(s).
I'm going to end this here, as it's getting way too long. I apologize for this turning into a bit of a rant, but homophobia of any kind, directed at fictional characters or not, pisses me off. I also just want to say a quick thank you to those who have liked the video, I really do appreciate it. I never thought for a second that any of my videos would get as many views or comments as this one has, and I am grateful for all the positive attention it has gotten.
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hey. i wanna ask you about something we talked about before. do you think its bad that i feel... really alienated from "left tube" in general now because of contra? it sits really badly with me that absolutely no one in that circle addresses what she's done. every comment section on philosophytube, hbomberguy, lindsay ellis, ect always mention contra as this "cute group thing" and knowing that most ofthem are cis and don't care just reinforces that dehumanizing trans folk is no big deal to folks
i dont think its bad u feel alienated from left tube tbh. i do a bit too, there’s a certain kind of politics that I tend to engage most with and its more and more hardline marxist/communist lol, and historical materialist.if ur asking me I think much of this ‘left tube’ stuff is a good place for leftists to begin to engage with thinking critically about a wide range of topics, but i don’t think its necessarily developing discourse along the particular lines of revolutionary tradition and actual praxis in the real world. I also dont think its particularly helpful that there doesn’t seem to be much space between the left tube thinkers to disagree with each other, especially not where contra is concerned; i don’t really see any one of the major left tube crowd, since they’re all cis, turning around and saying actually contra thats not on. and outside of that, not having much space to disagree with each other kind of lets down their discourse on having nuance, and a platform for that nuance to take hold. i think left tube although its doing good work in combatting right wing views on youtube, doesn’t really establish an accountable dialogue within itself. criticisms of contra on youtube are overwhelmingly going to come from a right wing and transphobic perspective. a lot of being a leftist is having these discussions with your comrades who do think differently, and its about how we best move forward with our mutual goal but different ideas of how to get there. u can be a good leftie and not agree with popular leftist media and argument. its good u dont.also the inability to have this dialogue within ur leftist communities isn’t very marxist of u in the first place. part of the practice of marxism, both in theory and praxis is to do it on a basis of scientific socialism: do things as a science. to hold each other to account and to challenge arguments to better them is all part of that process and left tube should be pushing for that imo. ?
i also think that yeah a lot of contra’s conceptions of gender have a place where she doesn’t account at all for race in a meaningful way, which as a white woman is troubling especially as one of the most prominent voices on the left on youtube. I hope some lefties rise in popularity and take on contra’s bad stuff and start a discourse and push left tube and its fandom towards better more accountable politics.
I think for me, although im put out by contra’s remarks etc i don’t really care too much because i’ve purposefully not been too invested. my focus is on the communities i have to hand and my comrades in my city, rather than fandoms of left tubers etc. this isnt to say u have to go away and forget everything about them, because a lot of these youtubers will come up in those contexts, but in those context, you’re more able to have a chat and move through reasons why such and such a video doesn’t work or this other stuff contra’s said etc. etc..
idk really what i’m trying to say tbh. basically just go read watch or listen to alyson escalante.
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Watch "The Moody Blues - Nights In White Satin" on YouTube
youtube
of these as well as huge armies. We're going to make fast ones I have them come down on any s*** head here who's still yapping doesn't want to be pushed and motivated every second of the day and then we figured out to do it on purpose let's stop them so we have collect you assholes and I'll fit you with endoskeletons. I'm going to focus on bjA for his insulin comments.
Also going to tell him off you've had about two or three High little guys left the only other ones are all in the pyramid by The Predator he has break in there and the acid turns on. We're going to do that too I'm so sick of you freaking effing around with us we don't want you near the pyramids you're breaking and start stealing we're going to let the acid flow kill anybody who broke in and dissolve anybody that's near where they broke in so have fun trying but he says it's more of you will show up and we can annihilate your dumbasses I agree.
We use this tactics on you because you're a pieces of s*** that's why stupid piece of s*** you don't address me at all and I'm going to take what you're using talk and I'm going to stick it right up there and light it it's very insulin your behavior sticking Brian back in there he's going to let you nothing but the entire game lost so I can't stand him either and that's him over there Sean and we don't want you here we don't care if you want it or not you piece of s*** you're the piece of s*** you don't want you here we told you not to be here we're going to take everything cuz of you and you stupid f****** face and you dumb b**** they take the whole world because of you being here you'll put here too
This a****** Mac was killed by you he's so stupid did he put you back here it's a f****** idiot
You got to let me out of here Mack you're stupid
Yeah Mac he was killed somebody killed him over there will probably kill him here he'll get kicked out just like the a****** killed him was kicked out over there and gone what he's been saying is get that piece of s*** out of here can't seem to do it addicted to it this is not the old days anymore I'm going to be able to adapt and fast and offending you probably have it we are getting him out of here. his people are about to buy the big one
I understand that that's why he won't leave. And the same thing with bJ his people are almost gone so he won't leave. It's a huge problem solar almost gone and they won't leave the force them out they come back and sitting here threatening everybody he's getting rid of clans before I don't understand what the big deal is.
Thor Freya
I'm going to lend ahead with us this people are not talking straight they're going around helping each other and telling us through in fighting to the death and didn't see him in fight to the death and they tell us to help each other and I figured out this problem there are a bunch of morons so don't keep it straight and try to do the right thing then they fall down right now they're sitting here trying to bother our son because they want to threaten him for stuff he always says we have a parallel but he says is it doesn't have to be this way pinging on them threatening me or our people if we're making it happen and causing a problem the problem is we won't be able to see what they're doing and I agree and that's the solution
Nuada Arrianna
Used to do this and now I told people not to and we're starting to see who it is and we're wondering why they're doing it I can't believe it's a good thing just say to point it out what I say is it's a possibility and playing out to me and pointing out it's really but it's kind of a hard life to live every single day if we get the Intel every day we're doing things and I know what's going on I don't need to problems because it probably turned the problems on sorry for doing things there's always a okay true so I'm trying to fight it and to get it not to happen in this people making it happen on my side so it's time to get mad is it true. I hear no it's easy doing it to try and stop us and it's true so well that's why they're doing it I'm asking over and over and over it's just because I want people to look not that I don't really know or they keep doing it and doing it every few seconds every millisecond thing I keep asking what is this for it means I want you to come in here and butcher them but they're today's meet and that's what I've been saying for
So we're going to hear about when we did and when he's been saying is it doesn't sound right what to say to me what they're doing doesn't look right on the treating me isn't right so the problem is here I sent him tons this morning it was me right in the face and they said we're going to do this stsrtrd to bother him just now and said we won't stop until you do and I tried slowing and then they start doing it more so I started increasing it then it started to try to increase it and they couldn't so I said that's the math.
Nuada Arrianna
You say we don't care if that's the mess but that's become the math and these assholes won't stop what they're doing with anybody these retards so that about after because he won't leave us alone and can't sleep I can't eat we have to listen stupid s*** all the time and everybody is forced to say I can't believe how bad it is and that nobody has made a command decision
Billium
It's a horrific scene everyday we're willing to go out there and scream at these idiots who never changes what they're doing
Mac daddy
We pulled bjA out they're admitting they can't do anything then won't. We rip him out and we use them again soon for whatever we want usually we just said it was nice and White satin we say to me with their damn bombs on on them or endoskeletons and for some reason I'm not really happy about endoskeletons he says and it's true cuz her body is a crap so he says just send them all back in with Duke Nukem Blockbuster something the past fit all of them here all these conventional news everything run them into whatever is bothering us so I do that and they're going to go off in a moment now and show people what these retires are really useful for
I'm going to take over there stupid area of using them and grabbing them now
Thor Freya
I'll level their areas using them take them out and pull it rip it and take the areas over the hours let's hope the god Zig Zag has got his
Duke Nukem Blockbuster
This is something's got to work right mountains and streams and trees and stuff and I said that's wrong I'm going to get you out of there it's going to shake it up and I'm going to get what you do it's off of Delaware so we have our own baseball team and I should have got tomorrow out of there she's got the bug out that really doing that it says really good I've got nothing but hard time here I was just sitting here looking at it it's terrible I know what it is it's a gun shy if you don't shoot these idiot returns to keep growing my people get stifled and you start suffering and the risk of losing Earth in the solar system gets higher so I started to say something if we don't kill these people they're going to try and do stuff all the time you said I would meet with Duke Nukem Blockbuster because we're all leaving on them. Hopefully a bit came out those people are making fun of me cuz this stupid f**** losing suicide squad but you can't lead on him anymore leaning on me and it doesn't help you because leaning is something that loses too. I certainly see what he said you wanted to get this stuff moving we didn't done today yesterday 10 years ago and even I'm just sitting here looking at him he said why not take that out and do do work it there's nothing there so I was trying to say it it's fine I'm taking the damn bug out and it's just sitting there take the bug out take both out use them because you must have power and positioning for one month from now so I'm going to do that I'm going to take him out and we have to stop them from going there there's plenty of bodies it's true too it's going to be up in a day or less and it doesn't care if it's less he says that's better to set records to be the forefront so I'm going to start looking like him
Zig Zag
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Hi~~ I'm really sorry to bother you! But I saw your gifs in my dash and they're so pretty! I don't even stan wanna one but I just went through your gif tag for so long cause they're so nice 😍 Would you ever share your sharpen / action / topaz or coloring settings or tips? 😊
ahh omg anon thank you so much for your kind words! you’re so sweet
i think i’ll just share generic tips! From each stage of the giffing process. i still have so much i can improve with in giffing, so i’m sorry if i give you super wrong advice ahhh but i hope this helps a little?it got super long so it’s under the read more!!
Downloading Videos
make sure it’s the highest quality video you can get. 1080p is your friend. ok honestly, when i’ve giffed, i havent really noticed a difference in quality between 2k/4k and 1080p? maybe im doing it wrong but honestly the only thing ive noticed is that 2k/4k just slows down my computer drastically and takes up way too much space on a computer that already has like zero space to begin with. so i tend to stick with 1080p.
Also! if you can get 60fps, thats also nice bc it helps your gifs look smoother.
yaknow how i said 1080p is your friend? well ts files are your best friends/family. if you can torrent them or download the, your gifs will look super pretty. i highly recommend this for live performance gifs. you can find ts files for a lot of shows, but again, since my computer has
kpop24hrs and kpopexciting are two places i go for those live perf ts files! kpop24hrs tends to have more i feel (it’s where i go when i want to gif my rookie groups that dont have too much attention on them)
you can also find torrents on twitter, if you search the right things
Extracting Videos
ok for this, if you have a pc (so like not a mac) i HIGHLY recommend looking into avisynth. there’s this tumblr account named brandinator who i’ve heard gives really awesome tips for avisynth and made it really easy for people to get avisnyth.if youre like me and your stuck with a mac, or if you just want to stick with photoshop then you can read the rest of this
i have photoshop cs5? so my tips are generally based around that.
for youtube videos (so basically mp4/avi format) i use photoshop’s video extraction feature. file—>import–>video frames to layersif your photoshop is like mine for whatever reason and it doesnt want to recognize mp4 files, then what i do is changed the .mp4 extension to a .avi extension (and its super easy to do on mac….i dont have a pc so idk how different that is) the quality doesnt really change either with that simple changing of the ending it sorta just tricks photoshop i guess lol idunno
when youre on the ‘video frames to layers’ window, make sure you don’t hit the ‘limit to every _____ frames’ bc that makes it lose the smoothness quality of gifs. maybe back when the gif limit was like 1mb that would have been important, but we live in a world of luxury now. so for smoother looking gifs, make sure that box is unchecked. other ppl (pc users i think) tend to use other video extraction softwares. i cant remember the name, but all i remember is that for macs, that software cant extract frames so its useless for us. i think it was kmplayer? not sure. like you can download kmplayer on mac but it doesnt have the same features rip.for ts files, i use vlc player (since ps can’t open it) and sit there and capture each and every frame lol.
Actually Giffing
here’s where things get a bit interpretive
(im assuming you know how to make a gif since you’ve asked for specific things like sharpening and stuff)
for coloring,
ive found that not changing the lighting too much of the video youre giffing leads to higher quality stuff…but i also hate not changing the lighting too much which is why a lot of my gifs turn out grainy hahah (my coloring is really centered around how to make the person in the gifs look the most ‘natural’? so that usually involves trying to take out video filters). but yea the gifs in which i didnt change too much with coloring, tended to be my most high quality gifs.
i don’t use other peoples psds and make my own everytime for each gif, and i only usually just adjust ‘curves’ and ‘exposure’ yea.
if there’s an ugly color background that you want to make look more white, when youre in ‘curve’s, go to each color (red green and blue) and drag the little line thing in the top right corner a little to the left. idk what is actually happening there and why it only really addresses the bg but thats a good way to try to make your bg whiter without actually whitewashing the gif.
for sharpening
lol sharpening, my enemy. its what i struggle with the most
i use .4 at 500% for smart sharpen
and then for topaz i make sure clean color is at 0 first of all, and i mess around with ‘overall strength’ and ‘reduce blur’ until i get the quality that i wanted. i nvr go higher than .07 strength.
but an important thing for sharpening i think is deciding when you want to crop the picture? do you crop it before or after the sharpening/topaz? i dunno honestly, but for me ive found that cropping first, and then applying sharpening settings leads to the highest quality (or maybe thats what im used to so it turns out better).
oh yea i dont resize, i crop instead. i’m not sure if that does anything but when i was first starting i found that resizing made my gifs look more blurry…? and that cropping was nicer to my gifs? i’m not sure if that does anything though lol maybe cropping is worse who knows, but its something ive stuck with ever since ive started
save settings
i’ve recently switched over to diffusion! but sometimes that doenst work out so i use the pattern one. i play around with adaptive/selective to see which one looks better or takes up less space haha
last but not least: pray
i spend a lot of my time praying that my gif will come out good haha bc even if you think you did everything right, once you hit that ‘save for web’ button, it’ll look like the ugliest thing in the world it’s really frustrating. like even when i make a gifset from the same video using the same everything (coloring, sharpening, save settings) one gif will look like trash and the other one will be like the best thing ive ever giffed so its like?? pray
#anon#replies#anon i just realized my theme really isnt that pretty if you oepn it on a read more and it actually totally screwed up the entire formatting#oh my god
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