#this feels selfish and im trying to tell myself it isnt. idk if it’s working ae’ll see if i still feel that way in the morning ig | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jungxk · 3 years

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// rant

i'm jus so heartbroken rn i've been crying for the past hour i jus need to put my feelings out there, i hope it's ok w you.

my mum wakes up today and jus starts berating me bc i didnt put washed dishes into the cabinets & the kitchen looked messy for her. i'm supposed to do it bc there's nothing else i actually do but yesterday i had woken up in the evening nd they called me to pray straight away so i totally forgot about it (coupled w the fact that i dont like doing it either cuz there's always sm dishes nd it's such a hassle). she jus started scolding me senseless nd im someone who doesnt get mad easily, even if i do i tend to stay quiet bc i dont like conflict & angry emotions are ugly. but i couldnt stop it today? she kept calling me selfish nd she's been calling me that the past few days as well bc i never help out w chores or anything. she's always asking me "what do u do for this family" or "what do u do in this house" every single time nd ofc i cant say shit bc i dont. i'm doing uni online nd it's really not that easy but bc i dont talk to my family like at all, they think i'm all good. the other day i pissed them off nd my parents straight up said "why do we need to pay for ur uni ure not doing anything anyway" & i jus... i didnt even know if i even deserve to feel sad over it. they were asking me what i wanna do after uni as if im not just in my first year & when i said im not sure they got so mad and my mum purposely said "just marry her off" to push my buttons into giving them an answer. they keep saying i'm pushing them into being the worst and saying the worst to me but how is that fair? they're parents? adults? i'm jus 20 & i can control my emotions? but today really jus pushed me she got so mad at me for the littlest things nd i jus exploded. I asked her why she's mad and she's like cuz of the kitchen bla bla bla nd it got so frustrating i told her it's not my problem nd i jus wont ever eat again since all the unwashed dishes piling is my fault. nd then she got mad at me for that and scolded me. I hate being touched but mostly i hate being hit. imagine getting hit at 20 years old bc my mother is too emotionally unstable that she cant take a few seconds by herself to calm her anger down. I hate it. nd bc i said it's not my problem she came nd told me "yea it won't be ur problem when i die too! i'll make sure when i do, u never come see me." jus... what kind of parent says that? i'm so careful w what i say & i slip sometimes bc i'm human but how can a mother say that? she doesnt know anything about me. she doesn't know i dont like being hit, she doesnt know i dont like it when ppl act impulsively on emotions. sometimes i feel like i really am the problem nd that i'm really selfish. spending shit ton of money to get me to study, maybe i am selfish. i dont mind it. i know myself well enough to hate things about myself. but to have parents who barely know me as a person rather than a daughter, getting this much mad at me for smthn so simple jus makes me so sad. bc i was doing the task when she asked. she does things like this then wonders why i cant ever talk to her. entire family thinks i'm immature bc i behave exactly how they treat me. 20 years. I never ask for much. but it's starting to feel like asking to study in the uk was my greatest downfall. it feels like i dont deserve this. every day i'm itching to get away, to live alone bc they've made me feel like i can never work well in groups. it's always somehow my fault as if they havent been invalidating me nd my feelings since birth.

nd i can never tell them all these bc i'm never confident in them. i'm never confident in whether i would be accepted nd comforted without ridicule or scolding. my brother & father tell me it's like that, that jus bc i may get a scolding shouldn't stop me from being open. but what kind of stupidity is that? my mother who makes me feel like the world is ending when i accidentally break smthn, that it wasn't an accident but rather it's me nd that i jus cant do a good job— where is the comfort i can ever find coming to her w a problem?

nd bc of that we're not close. bc of that she's closer to my cousins & everyone else really. they've never concerned themselves to talking about family issues w me but when i dont know, they shame me, saying i never bother to ask— how would i know when to ask? should they be telling me when there's smthn going on?

this makes the concept of family so repelling for me. there is inherently no reason to ever have a child that isnt selfish or self fulfilling. what they do as parents is to make them feel as important nd respected as they expect from the child. but it's never like that w south asians. emotions dont exist if ure the child nd apparently getting mad is a norm nd shouldn't stop u from being emotional w someone.

at times i tell myself that i should pay back every penny my parents spent on me. bc sometimes it feels like it's being used to make me act or feel a certain way. i dont wanna feel this way. theyre my parents, i know theyre good people. but i'm so hurt by the things going on nd the things from the past. my mother invalidates me sm. she more or less kinda blamed me for feeling useless and depressed last year. my brother was telling her to go easy on me nd she got so mad & frustrated bc she didnt know what she was doing wrong. "if she feels so useless why doesnt she do anything about it?" like that was such a golden chance for her to have comforted me nd i couldve opened up? but she ruined it nd hurt me again.

last year i lived w her alone nd my dad was in our home country. I was having some troubles w him gone but i dont call or text bc... it always felt like a drag. it never felt like a conversation nd the only time it did was when i complained to him about my mum. so much shit happened between my mum and i & this person advised me to jus write some of my feelings to her. so i wrote her a long letter nd i included saying how not having my dad was hard on me too. flash forward im in my home country & w my dad. i know nobody here bc i didnt grow up here. i'm doing online uni & basically have to stay indoors cuz of covid. she brings that letter up when she was to berate me nd it jus feels so uncomfortable for me? like ok my actions dont line up but i wrote that cuz i was looking for comfort nd understanding. if i knew it was going to be held against me, i would not have done it? "u said it was so hard for u without him, so what do u even do for him here now?"— what can i do? i'm just 20 nd the situation im in is not normal? i'm grateful to be w my dad again but what can i do? &it always freaking comes down to house chores. i try my best. when our maid doesnt come i do my best w my tasks. i know it's not enough but i jus... i dont even know. ig that part of me is selfish nd lazy.

it's so suffocating here. all my feelings are bottled up nd im so scared what that would do to me in the future. but at least i know i'm too selfish to ever spend the rest of my life w someone.

sorry for the long rant. i hope this didnt ruin ur mood or anything i jus need an outlet nd ur blog jus feels so comforting nd welcoming. thank u for listening to me nd my feelings. God bless u really kssjdjsj

i’m rlly sorry this is happening to you bby. idk what race u are but this sounds so much like that asian mentality where emotions are black and white and comfort in any way is out of the question. ur still rlly young tho so ur relationship with ur parents has room to improve i promise. i think it’s rlly important for u to move out whenever u can tho bc that’s what rlly improves the relationship. having said this i do think the way your mum talks to u/treats u is emotionally and mentally abusive so whether you want to uphold that tie with her in the future is ur choice i just rlly hope u get somewhere safe and away from ur family soon x

#answered

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gcmblingdice · 3 years

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Hopefully my next paycheck will push me having 2000 so i can pay off my aunt so I can get my car this weekend. Gotta make sure too that I can also pay off dad too (but he says to wait til next week?) But then i gotta like buckle down again om finding insurance.

Im also afraid Ill loose my state insurance and wont be able to afrord my meds because i cant afford insurance (unless i go through my work but idk how much extra that will be out of my paycheck.)

Yes I am moving in with my boyfriend and his partner, but I think its only until I am able to be on my own??? Idk. I need to get that clarification but i always forget.

Im also nervous and worried that once I move my dad may decline and idk. Also im not over how my brother keeps joking about me paying dad back cause its his inheritence too.

Like we already did the math and between bills going out and income coming in, he would have 600-700 a month of left over money to use for gas and grocerries etc. He can easily rebuild that 6k+ (8k if we counting the vet) and i mean I understand he wants the money back, but he keeps asking me ans reminding me and i keep telling him Ill.pay him back.

Then he also says to not rush it, but will remind me.of what i already paid him and its like SIR PLEASE? AND I AM SO DONE.

Im full on bulimic again and dont fucking care much anymore about shit and Im slipping. I find myself drinking more and more.

I resubbed to the gym but only went once and feel like shit. Like good job ya dumb bitch 10 dollars wasted a month. (I been trying to do evening walks tbh but i wanna do the gym for real again)

OH AND EVEN THO I CLOSED THE CREDIT CARD MOM HAD FOR DAD I FORGOT I NEEDED TO 0 OUT THE BALANCE LOL I FUCKING HATE IT SO THAT ONTOP OF EVERYTHING.

Man i just do not. Not to mention the walking on eggshells and I am still not over how my dad's side has villainized me ever since the funeral when i told them to fuck off. Also the gays are pedo narrative is one they cling tigthly too because CLEARLY ME HELPING TO LET THIS 13 YR OLD BE HEARD AND ENCOURAGING HER TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HER GENDER AND SHIT IS BIG NONO AND I AM I NOT ALLOWED TO HELP A YOUNG QUEER BECAUSE SHE IS 13 ANE DOESNT KNOW WHAT SHE IS FEELING AND ITS A PHASE.

Man fuck off. The way she was so excited to see someone who was also queer, who gave her space to vent, made me cry.

My aunt knows of her being gay (or qieer) but even she says that the girl might change her mind.

MA'AM. and even if she does end up not being queer ( which i highly doubt since she confessed she was always different in that she liked girls and those who were non gender conforming and always said she felt more seen by gay tiktok and that she wants ti learn more before she can settle on who she is, but she isnt allowed...

BUT APPARENTLY ME JUST SHOWING BASIC DECENCY AMD GIVING HER SPACE TO BE IS BAD AND MAKES ME A P*DO???

and people on either side of my family constantly telling me i look like mom or how well I am doing when ITS CLEAR I HAVenT HAD TIME TO HEALTHILY PROCESS ANYTHING BUT OKAAAAY AND YEEESSSS

Tell me Im selfish because I want a safe space to grieve. Tell me I should be more respectful of my dad cause he is hurt too. Also we love them telling me i am not allowed to speak out on my own abuse at my dads hands because "now you onownyour dad is a good man"

FUCK OUT HERE WITH THAT SHIT. ON GOD.

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personasintro · 3 years

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okay, so this is my take on the attitude of MH characters in chapter 38. This is how I view them and definitely not a criticism to Mimi's work (if anything this post just shows how talented she is coz girl, I can't get them out of my head! which is rare for me coz i'm not usually affected by fics that much)

let's start with my favorite characters in this fic:

Taehyung and Jimin: i laughed so hard when Mimi described this duo's relationship because GOSH was it so accurate! they're acting like they're married for 40 years and bicker like siblings (or something like this) hahaha anyway, there's great amount of tension and frustration I felt during this chapter, but Tae balanced it well. he's funny and charming, same goes to Jimin who really kept his promise to not tell Tae or anyone about Y/N and JK's deal. so in conclusion, VMIN best boys

Jungkook: shit....okay, so i feel like JK is a little selfish. i get that he wants Y/N and Kiko to be in good terms, but it's selfish to keep pushing Y/N to behave in 'some way' like in a way that breaks off from her original character, which is frustrating. i condoned his messed up actions from the earlier chapters coz I get it, you're broken-hearted. But the way he treats Y/N, being mean and then acting super kind afterwards like it's ok to just, ya know, forget that he was mean to her.

Y/N: hmm a little tricky, especially because we get to see her POV, she's concerned for her best friend, we get it too, but I feel like there's something deeper about her feelings for Kook.... altho yes she said she ISNT in love with kook, but hmm...i just feel like she's extra bitchy to Kiko. like okay, you don't have to be friendly to Kiko coz she hurt JK SO BAD, but how hard is it to be respectful? she hated Kiko for disrespecting kooks feelings, yet YN isn't far from doing thistoo. i feel like shes looking for fault to ALL of Kiko's actions and using the 'you hurt JK/ you cheated on JK' card to justify her anger towards Kiko.

Boundaries too. JK and Y/N dont seem to know this concept, it's apparent by Haneul's confusion when YN and Jk were singing karaoke together. like......i don't know, the fact that he's trying to normalize things coz YN and JK are bff just doesnt sit right with me, i mean, im trying to put myself in Haneuls shoes and I just think I won't appreciate it if I see my S/O doing that, again, they're overusing the 'we're bff' card. Distance. Personal Space. where?

Kiko: girl made one mistake and everyone thinks she doesn't deserve to get jealous or something. kook is right, they're in a relationship so they BOTH get to decide how things flow, altho JK has the upper hand here since they're trying to patch things which were already broken. I feel like the author is trying to let us see something about Kiko through her actions this chapter, but all I feel for her is extreme pity, like she always needs to tiptoe around YN, we get it, she hurt Kook, but YN, a lot of times, hurt JKs feelings too, granted that they hurt JK in a very different way, but pain is pain in the end.

Haneul: a lovely boy who's too....idk, sweet for his own good? Can't say much about him coz IDK him yet.

anyway, looking forward to more character growth coz i know we still have a long way to go and i'm excited how Mimi will turn things around. Amazing update, as always. The wait is worth it.

Thank you! Again, found this in my inbox. I think you changed your opinion about Haneul by now tho🤔

#ask: anon #ask: mutual help

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aplaceforthesoul · 3 years

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i’ve been having a really hard few months and struggling to live and act how i used to but i feel awful for it because i havent been there for my friends and i’m not the only one who has problems and i feel so selfish for being caught up in what’s wrong with me and well i mean for example a friend of mine is working on recovering from an addiction and i want to help him stop but i keep hitting a wall whenever i try to let myself talk to him it doesn’t happen my head won’t let me it’s like im trapped in my own bubble of what feels safe and i cant leave it and i just feel so awful and useless because i cant help my friends im worried for all of my closest friends and on top of that im just afraid that they wont love me anymore if i keep being so hard to deal with and i just feel awful that that part feels important enough to keep in. i am so afraid about so many things that shouldn’t matter as much as the hard things that can happen to the people i care about and i am afraid by knowing that these things take up my mind and i am afraid that even if no one is trying to directly shut me out i am ruining things with them and for them and i feel like the only thing that will help them is to leave me but i am so afraid of being left alone that i am just trapped here. and i feel like i’m being so over dramatic and i havent been able to have a real conversation with any of my friends not because they’re trying to hurt me but because everyone has so many problems of their own and it’s hard work to deal with someone like me and they don’t say all of that and they truly aren’t being mean to me and it isnt their fault it’s just that i somehow made it to a place where i might stay forever and i’m as bad at asking for help as anybody could be besides sending awfully desperate messages that shouldn’t need a response but still scare me to not ever have one. idk i’m just. really stressed and i feel like as a person i dont know how to deal with so many situations that i should understand by now and i should be able to navigate without falling apart every time i get near them. and i feel Bad About It!!!!

any problems or concerns that you have aren’t stupid at all, not in the slightest, not even a teeny tiny bit. they matter! they really do – just because you think that other people have “bigger problems” doesn’t mean that it cancels out anything else and invalidates issues that you might have. you might not be struggling with an addiction but you’re plainly struggling with other issues instead (such as anxiety), and that does matter.

I think we can all agree that we have a “responsibility” of sorts to help our friends when they’re in trouble, like that’s part of what it means to be a friend?! however…it’s not your fault if you can’t fix all of your friend’s issues and concerns. that’s exactly why counsellors exist, why therapists who specialise in addiction exist, why psychologists exist?! collectively we as a society have recognised that there are deep and complex issues that need more than just a casual level of support. they’ve gone to school and had years of training to be able to help support people with mental health issues. that’s why training and study exists! because these are not easy and straightforward issues to solve. you can absolutely be there for your friend if they need it, but it’s not realistic to expect yourself to be able to resolve all their issues for them.

I think when it comes down to it? you’re too hard on yourself, you place yourself under way too much pressure. it’s good to be critical of ourselves at times, that’s what can help us to change and to grow? but statements like “I feel I’m being over dramatic”, “I keep being so hard to deal with”, “I feel selfish for being caught up in what’s wrong with me”….all of these sound so harsh towards yourself ): I know that I don’t know you personally, but being this critical isn’t healthy. you’re only human! and you sound like such a caring and compassionate person, if you find yourself getting caught up with your own worries I think that just shows how terrible and distressing things are for you.

so what to do now, how to get find some answers and resolve some of this pain and distress? reach out for help, that’s the best advice I can give. I know it’s not easy and I know it can feel very vulnerable but it’s so important to do it. if you feel like you just can’t talk to friends about things then you could try making an appointment to see the welfare counsellor at school? or you could try talking to your parents if you have a fairly ok relationship with them, or maybe you could make an appointment with your local doctor without needing parental support if you don’t want to tell your parents just yet? there’s lots of people that you can reach out to for support that don’t have to be friends, but reaching out for help and letting people know what’s going on is key. you need help, you deserve help.

it’s good to be there for your friends, but it’s so important to be there for you as well. you know how on flights (in the good old days pre-covid where we got on planes to travel haha), the safety procedures always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others? same concept applies here, sometimes it’s best to help yourself first and get to a place of relative calm and stability before attempting to help others. your life doesn’t have to be tip-top perfect with no dramas before you can help your friends?! but if you’re in this much distress and anxiety and pain, you need to look after yourself first. it’s not selfish to do that, promise.

this post talks more about how to go about finding a therapist, if that isn’t something you’ve done before? and you’re more than welcome to ask us all the questions too, nothing is silly and we won’t judge you at all. just reach out for help, speak up, prioritise yourself and your well-being, you deserve it. let us know how things go <33

- tash

#advice #mental health #stress #anxiety #Anonymous

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trickstarbrave · 4 years

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Question, why are your dice so expensive? I could buy several chessex sets for the price of one set of yours and I don't see the appeal at all. Why are you making them so expensive and then expecting people to buy them up? If you wan't actual customers I just think you should pay more attention to the price dice actually go for than jacking them up so high. Not to mention this isn't a great time to be asking people to buy expensive things like that... It's selfish.

first of all these arent chessex dice. if you want mass produced dice go right ahead, i own a lot of them too. theres nothing wrong with buying and collecting just that and if you want a lot of nice sets theyre a good way to go. but mine are not mass produced, and the reason mass produced sets are so cheap overall is because they are, well mass produced. you make a lot of them. the molds to make them and the big machinery are investments larger companies make in order to make a lot of dice. when you divide up those costs between hundreds upon THOUSANDS of sets of dice its not that much.

my dice are handmade. im not saying you should buy them because theyre handmade if handmade means nothing to you. but because theyre handmade i can do a lot of things mass production cant do, like different effects, inclusions, and having sharp edges polished. again theres also a lot of effects only mass produced dice can have as well, so its not like i can do anything and there are pros and cons to each. but if youre asking the appeal, well then there are certain things youre only going to be able to get handmade.

and because theyre handmade theyre more expensive expensive. if i charged what chessex does for theirs done nearly fully by machine i would be paying myself 2 dollars or less per hour and thats not even factoring into costs of materials or equipment. i have to hand make the molds, hand mix and pour small amounts of resin, i have to hand place tiny little embeds, i have to cut sprues and sand edges all by hand (before i would use a power tool a bit and do for other things now). i had to buy custom masters 3-d printed. i had to buy a pressure pot and air compressor so i could stop having failed casts filled with bubbles because of temperature fluctuations. i had to invest in sandpaper, polishing papers, a dremel. i had to buy silicone, and failed at making molds sometimes and had to eat that cost. i had to learn how to cast resin, different mold making methods and why they worked, how to sand and polish epoxy, how to use different materials. i had to buy every inclusion, all the resin, all the pigments and mica powders. and this doesn’t include the time i have to take to make every listing, photograph dice, social media management, and more. this is something i like doing yes but i cant just spend so much money on equipment and then just give them all away for basically free.

and lastly i do know dice prices. i kinda have to. every single price increase was due to better equipment and learning, better materials, and done to try and adequately pay myself for my labor. i’m still, at best, getting about 10 bucks an hour which in many places isn’t that great and isn’t enough to survive on. im making what is barely a livable minimum wage from years of training and experimenting and honing a craft. and its not perfect, no! my dice probably arent the best you can buy handmade. there are people better than me and people who have been doing it longer. which is why mine are about middle of the road for handmade sets. ive seen them go as cheap as 25 bucks a set to 150 bucks a set. 60-70 is about where i feel rn is comfortable for the amount of time i put into it and my skill level.

again i also cant tell you to buy from me rn. i get money is tight. i get theres a lot going on. ive also made donations, ive been unsure of things during covid. many people have lost their homes, or dont have proper food. if you can afford my dice i am not mad at you or upset, right now shit sucks. maybe you can never justify that much money on a dice set, i get it. i dont know you and dont need your lifes story. i dont want to make you feel you need to sacrifice even more to buy them if you dont want to or even cant and im not trying to pressure you into it.

but i cant fix all of these problems and i am not some multimillionaire demanding you cough up as much money as possible so i can hoard more wealth like a dragon. im a disabled lesbian. i was trying to be employed before this though a work program and that was set on hold as most places closed down entirely, and i sure as hell am going to be one of the last people anyone wants to give a job to in reopening. this is basically all i have to make money atm. and while times are tough i feel for some people things like a want for art or entertainment wont die. theres still ppl buying video games and art commissions and nice clothes. just right now a lot of people who would probably love to cant. and since i have no money i cant buy any of that other stuff rn either (luckily my gf and roommate have jobs so we can afford things like, food and rent).

again buy chessex or any other brand of mass produced dice if you want to. if you dont care for expensive kinds dont buy them. im not going to force you to or guilt you into it. spend your money how you want to. the post was mainly so people who like that kind of thing and have the money for it can see it and make that decision for themselves. and if you personally dont like my stuff you can buy from another handmade seller if you decide you trust them more, i dont mind. im just... tryin to get by. making some dice. seeing if anyone will buy them so maybe i can make more bc there Isnt Much Else I Can Do Like This.

tl;dr: dont buy my dice then and buy cheaper dice it doesnt hurt my feelings if you dont want to/cant buy what i make im not your mom i cant tell you what to do???? i am just trying to get by im an artist and im disabled idk what u want ME to do exactly in this equation

#Anonymous

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alukaforyou · 4 years

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and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

#.txt

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thisisasupergoodidea · 5 years

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just watched The Guy Who Didnt Like Musicals a second time. i didnt really process the songs properly the first time and didnt like them but now i can actually hear the tunes as intended and i love this whole thing so much. so im gonna ramble about this musical for a bit. spoilers ahead if u havent watched yet (its on youtube)

ive seen a few of the theories ppl have about the delivery of the musical, and about what happens at the end especially. i think i wanna try my hand at it too because sometimes i enjoy interpreting details. and im a gigantic sucker for reprises that stitch together all the songs we just heard into its own frankenstein song that completely changes in meaning or tone based on all the info we absorbed over the course of the program. and boi the last song of the show sure fuckin delivers

ok well i need to start at the beginning though. some ppl are confused by what the opening lil song and dance is within the context of the musical, because it introduces the main character, but at that point no one is infected yet so it just seems like standard musical stuff in the viewpoint of the audience, who expects this. but the entire plot of this musical is that the characters’ world slowly BECOMES a musical due to alien spores from a meteor infecting everyone to act as a harmonious hive mind. so in this sense its two musicals at the same time: the musical that starkid productions wrote, and the looser ‘musical’ that the alien entity is orchestrating during its antagonism of the main character. i believe that the opener takes place after at least a partially successful domination of the populace, mostly because of the fact that the characters who participate in that song are referring to ‘themselves’ in the third person and are dancing all hunched and menacingly, exactly how the alien spore compels people to dance later on in the plot. that plus a line that i might be recalling correctly about how the main character is their final story to tell, makes me certain that this is the alien telling that story

as for the main character paul’s absence from that song, i really think thats something intended in the musical to introduce what paul is like in the most succinct way possible. the guy just did not like musicals. throughout the plot he is constantly defining himself by his lack of participation, so of course the cheekiest way to set that up is to have him not participate in the opener. i think the confusing part here is when the story actually begins, because if the opener was performed by the future infected characters, when is the line drawn to differentiate between the two musicals that are happening (starkid musical vs alien musical)? or is the whole thing a performance by the alien entity? in which case, everyone on that stage is simply acting out the story as determined by the hive mind. but to whom, if everyone’s infected? i’ll get back to that later

another thing i love about this musical is how gradually tired of paul’s shit the alien entity becomes over the course of the plot, as evidenced by the tone of the songs. it just gets worse and worse. the alien’s songs turn from sickeningly cheerful to enticing, to threatening, to evoking hopelessness, then finally to pressuring paul past his breaking point. some of the songs arent even directed at paul but the change still happens, which goes to show the alien entity’s frustration. and at the end when the infected find emma, the song is happy again. they sing that awesome reprise, a really energetic mashup in which its hard not to feel like the alien plague is unstoppable. inevitable, one might say.

speaking of the end... paul’s confrontation with the meteor (my absolute favorite scene that i would rewatch a hundred times except i dont want to get tired of it too fast) contains good information to understanding what happens afterward. paul tries to blow it up, gets distracted by the appearance of his infected acquaintances, and the longer he stays there the more infected he himself becomes, breathing in such a heavy concentration of those alien spores at the epicenter of its activity. until now, he has rejected actively being the ‘star of the show’ like the alien seems to... want him to be? idk, the point is that his character defies musical protagonist tropes despite how the plot follows him. the story is ABOUT the alien, but paul is the audience’s anchor. until he goes to blow up the meteor. at that point, the alien has him. he can barely fight back against his own body synchronizing with the other infected as they goad him into giving in, but he puts up a damn good struggle considering those impossible circumstances. still, for the first time, he participates. he sings. he hates it, but it brings out some interesting thoughts: does he hate it? did he ever? or is this just the spores talking?

but what part, exactly, does he hate? in a musical, the singing and dancing act is usually the method of delivery for whatever the character is truly feeling. it is an opportunity for the audience to connect emotionally with the person who is singing. but we dont have that with paul for almost the entire show. he doesnt participate. and he’s established in the beginning as selfish, kind of a dick, and not available to anyone (except emma who is the only person he even slightly opens up to. he tries to be more friendly somewhat with bill, i think, but even then that couldve just been to get him to snap out of it and escape the school). he said himself that people singing and dancing makes him uncomfortable. so all this is to say that, on a deeper level, i think the aspect of the singing and dancing that he hates, that he fights to resist, is the vulnerability. you can witness the madness and shame for yourself as he sings more and more, letting out his worries, unsure if his feelings are his anymore. but hey, he ends that scene with a statement reaffirming the self he walked in with (which is to say, a guy who hates musicals) and finally pulls his grenade. so its cool that he was able to resist that but. guys. if the spores didnt get him. that grenade absolutely did. he didnt even bother to throw it away from himself, he flung it down right in front of him. theres no way he didnt get blown to bloody chunks, fully intending for that to be his final act of defiance

but i think it was too late by then. he’d already breathed in so many spores, and we were shown earlier on that death is not an impediment to becoming infected. i think after he exploded, he was still absorbed into the collective and reformed as a new addition to the hive mind. his explosives might not have been enough to fully destroy the meteor. and thats why, at the very end, i believe that - despite his admittedly suspicious face journey during the song - he isnt faking it. because if he was, wouldnt the hive mind know that it doesnt contain him within it? not only that, but in the opening song emma is clearly part of the group. given that she is the only one who is undoubtedly not infected in the last song, we have to assume that she will be sometime after the finale of the musical.

and now im left with my unexplored questions: is this a musical played straight, or a ‘musical’ put on by the alien entity after it wins? and who is the ‘musical’ intended for? its fun to speculate but im not sure these are questions that can be answered by watching it a bunch of times. theyre aimed too much outside of the zone of operation, if that makes sense. its like, you cant ever look at your own eyeballs normally. you need a mirror or for someone to describe them to you. these questions exist outside of the limitations of the musical format, so we wouldnt direct them at the video, we would ask them of the creators. or not. its cool to not have all the questions answered too

ah i wrote a flippin essay, huh? i guess i wanted to prove to myself that my brain still works

#the guy who didn't like musicals #tgwdlm #starkid #i did say i would ramble...

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jinxiaroo · 5 years

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7/5/2019

today had been particularly tough day for me. i dont know why but thoughts had been running thru my mind about how i am not good enough. how im not doing a good job at work sicne i dont know anything. how im not a good friend. all i think about is me. im selfish and the whole world revolves around me. how bitter i am about my friend, like how im envious of this and that. i dont know when that started to happen to me. i use to be so supportive and proud of who they are as are people.

do you think people think about what goes through our mind when they see the smile in our pictures that we post online. this whole day had been such a mind fuck for me. just kept beating myself up in all and every aspect of my life. which i know i should be proud out and i feel like that makes it worse for me because then i beat myself up even more for even thinking i am not proud of myself. from where i started in life. i had nothing. my mom had to take of three kids all by herself and being an immigrant kid, i didnt have lessons for SAT, i didnt have tutoring for school. i hated to read, i was not the best student, i use to cut class all the time. and now i make six figures, i own a car and i am about to have no student loans. and i know if i told this to my friends, i am extremely blessed and lucky. but these demons in my head haunt me so bad and i feel like im still nothing even with these accomplishments. i thought at the beginning of college if i had all these things i would be happy. i would feel a sense of accomplishment and i would be at the top of the mountain and i feel that i am back to square one. which i worked so fucking hard not to be.

why am i feeling like this? i just feel like with these 24 hrs 7 days of the week. i dont spend enough time be there as a friend, as sa daughter, as a student and a employer. i feel like i dont give adequate time for everything. and then there is the side that i want to do the things that i want. like travel. see the guys i wanna see. all this is happening in my head. and i wish i had more time. i wanna read more books, i wanna do more exercising. i wanna be more mentally stable and happy. im always striving for this happiness or “contentness”. i tell people i want to be content.

i started to see a therapist because one i always felt like i needed it but couldnt afford one. i feel like these thoughts and insecurities. i have no idea is it normal. i honesly feel like it all in my head cause sometimes i am so in my mind that i just feel so lonely and afraid. but when i finally get to the end of the tunnel im like nope im not alone, other people has felt this and it just a viscious cycle.

i just hate it because i am in my 20′s i need to be enjoying life and stop being so insecure. there are bigger and worse problems out there and im sitting here wasting time writing this instead of reading up on medical things but spending time writing all these nonsense. yet i do it because i am going to feel better and scientifically this will hopefully help make the loneliness feel less lonely.

i know all the right things to do which makes it worse, because ..... idk it doesnt work? i dont feel like its making a difference. im over thinking again.

as i was driving home today was thinking, man i dont know why i ever left my last relationship was i maybe too immature, i saw the problems and i chose to run away. i chose to be alone again because its the easier to be alone. then to sit and have a real conversation to solve the problem. and have a real heart to heart conversation about the real problem. i was just hiding behind running away. i could have helped you but i chose to run away because i was hurt at the fact that you didnt choose to tell me earlier. then i was thinking what if i came back. but life isnt that simple. i cant choose to jump in and out of your life. so i shut that idea down. which i know i will always revisit now that i came with the thought.

then another thought i had was do i think maybe seeing a therapist was a bad idea because i wanted validation but does that make me emphasize all the feelings i have because of this safe space. i dont need to hide all these extra feelings that ive been so good at hiding. now im super emotional and im letting it all go. is that why im having all these thoughts now? now is that a good thing because this is how i truly feel? or just being like because i can be not because i should be?

also, when is a good time to tell someone you are exclusively seeing to tell them you are seeing a therapist.? its never a good time, i dont want him to think im crazy, even though im mainly doing it because i want to be a better partner, a better person and a better friend. i feel like if i tell people that they will think of me differently. even thought tbh we are all in the medical field so who the fuck gives a shit. i only told two friends. i cant tell other people. i feel like they are gonna be like ic why do you need this. you have us. but its not the same.

i feel like its a unbiased professional help. they will analyze it in a different way.

i havent thought this much stuff in a very long time.

i like this new guy but im also scared.

my best friend told me i should try to make this work, just give it a shot and let go of my guard. let down my guard and try to love again. i was so heartbroken from that breakup with james. im still recovering.

alright thats all folks.

#irene's thoughts

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steaktalk · 6 years

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25/f/str8. Bf is 30, we have been together for a little over 3 yrs. We moved over 1700 mi in May. Neither of us know anyone in our new town. Two huge hiccups: the day we shipped our pod to our new home he told me that he stopped paying rent (long story) a few months back but he had continued to collect my half of rent and no longer has it. He’s terrible with money, I have no clue where it goes. He owes me $1100. It’s been almost six months and I still haven’t seen a penny. 1/4

Anonymous said to steaktalk: At first I was more lenient because we both broke the bank for this move. I feel like there was a breech of trust and like Im not a priority to him since he hasn’t paid me back. He insists on paying me back when he has the money in full. Second hiccup. I really want to start a family in the next few years. He has known this and also knows that it is a deal breaker for me if he doesn’t. We had a talk before we moved, deciding that in the next five years, when we feel more grounded with things. At first I was more lenient because we both broke the bank for this move. I feel like there was a breech of trust and like Im not a priority to him since he hasn’t paid me back. He insists on paying me back when he has the money in full. Second hiccup. I really want to start a family in the next few years.

He has known this and also knows that it is a deal breaker for me if he doesn’t. We had a talk before we moved, deciding that in the next five years, when we feel more grounded with things we’ll start to try.

Well, a couple of months after moving out here it was brought up again and he told me he wasn’t sure anymore and he doesn’t know if he’ll be ready in five years. Another breech of trust. On top of that I just feel really neglected and taken advantage of. I’m the only one that cooks and cleans. He will if I ask but, I’m tired of asking. The other day I got into my first car accident and had a really bad day at work following that and when I got home I asked him for a foot rub and he said no.

Idk those little things like that just make me feel so sad. I guess my question is, am I putting too much effort into this? Am I at a dead end? Do I try more? I don’t know anyone in this state and I’m mostly introverted so I’m afraid that I will isolate myself. What would steak do?

this man isnt special and this circumstance is not unique, say that out loud to yourself a few times.

Humans are not selfless, we are selfish beings who trample each other over free trash food samples at costco- and that doesn’t stop when it comes to our partners. When people give, we take. Without boundaries we fail. I too have been guilty of forgetting to nourish my partner back without reminders.. that is normal.

Success in relationships happen when both partners agree to LISTEN when their partner articulates their needs.

Right now, this man is wasting your time and you need to give him an ultimatum. first his 30 year old broke ass needs to find a way to start making payments on his debt to you.

Second you need to be working on a common goal together, not living side by side as long as its comfortable. If you want kids, lets get a time line. If he says no, you have your answer. You HAVE to LISTEN to people when they tell you who they are and what they want. Kids is a huge step of commitment and people who don’t want them... cannot and should not be convinced/begged otherwise. That’s where resentment starts.

I also want to remind you, going back home is a privilege not a failure.

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wildgeese2017 · 3 years

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my mum bought me a plant i cant bring it into my room ill kill it i cant do stuff like that i cant take care of myself i cant cope anymore i wish i could do something maybe i should go to sleep but i dont want to wake up tomorrow and talk and smile or make coffee or whatever my meduication isnt working its no good i neeed therapy can anybody hear me???? can anyone hear???? i feel so crazy i feel so crazy now i feel as though im wasting everything i have everything that has been kindly gifted to me i didnt even say thank you for beigng alive to god today sp thank you it sounds so hollow!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant just only say thank you for the good stuff i have to love all alife i am so evil and selfish i need to always want to be alive or something but god probabaly understands ??? liek i just cant only love life and universe and god when im skipping in the sunshine eating candy floss and high on drugs cycling through picturesque woods like life isnt just that but i cant be ungrateful just because my head hurts or becaus eim scared and alone and have lost control of myself. i wrote in my diary i think when i first got into burning myself or maybe after just during anyway i said its not a punishment to feel something you’ve never felt before. i dont know if that really rings true i wouldnt say that to someone undergoing chemotherapy or someone at their loved ones funeral. i would tell myself all alone last summer after i tried some stuff that its all just waves everything going back and forth swinging spiraling buzzing to remind itself of what it is; it sounds so stupid bc im literally just saying this exists. and trying to insinuate that my conclusion is profound but it just was a sort of zoom out zoom in moment where you realize its all one tapestry but the reason i bring it up now is firstly just because something is beautiful doesn’t make it : permanent, good, painless, true, meaningful, profound. second even if its meant to be or out of your control you need to act as though you have agency bc my life is small and largely predetermined or in the hands of others who dont give a shit about me but that doesnt mean i have no wiggle room my mind my free will is also part of the universe to deny that could also be false wrong painful evil ect... that being said im sure u cud make that arguement with any action and free will or decision making is a rather wide umbrella under which falls murder suicide wearing flat slip on shoes and other awful things which i supposedly hav the power to make happen.

god i feel so stupid just spewing such obvious fake deep nonsense i understand that maybe a lot of thoughts are obvious kfjvnjkfvnkjrfvn ‘’theres power in just saying it ‘’’ kjfnrjnjkrfnkj ok but like yeh i dont kno why i want so much to b original perhaps we all realize the same stuff we just process and express it differently idk i hav been thinking more about other ppl i ha te this oh h=gogfoivjfjv no i just rememeber ed imy phone to work to say im sick (violently mentally ill) todayy sn sdkjdfvj an dohrjbnrjnkjererb rvkjrvnit sucks it sucks ik vfkjsvkejvni hat e i hate hate hate hate i hate rjnovrnvornvornvnrovnonodnfjernfernfernfernfoeirnfoienrfoinefn hate har eekrjf

my head hurts i can t vkjvu nnoo nnfuvfnnnfvjdvnj

somehtgings wrong with me i feel like im deliberatlety knmisspelling reo rvkjrfkvwnkvnkefjvlirnglvr tmi hat eha rthjkej nonoononononong rek ejk eknnfjv nssavere v jkv rttouhc f rkjvnefjnnjfkvdfjvndfkvjdfnvkjnvkj i hannt chi cns t nightmare naightantmwkewnfer ejk i feel so bad i feels so bad why wyhy i took my pillss !!!

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04loved · 6 years

Text

To A Happy 2018

This isn’t a follow forever or mutual list, I just wanted to give a little personal shoutout to some of you who make tumblr a place i want to keep coming back to.

There are many more wonderful people I didn’t mention, but I hope in the coming year to step out of my comfort zone a little and try to talk to you all more, even if it is only over anon. To everyone who has sent me an encouraging message or anon in recent days, I was truly touched and I thank you so much. To all of my followers, i love you and you’re doing great and i hope you have a soft 2018 filled with love and good things!!

@bbhsavocado i feel like i learned so much about u pricilla that night of the bbh in panties talk aldkjsgljk how validating to see my kinks shared n sub bbh appreciated like that, but it was also awful n i hated it. i love all ur bisexual bbh-loving content n ur friendship with some mutuals is so adorable i hope u all find great gfs this year <3 i have no idea y i took so long to follow u bc ur everything i want in a blog

@bbhsthighs nicole, u want to be a person who gives happiness like the boy who inspired ur url, and u do, u really really do. ur hilarious and adorable in ur tags and ur interactions with ur other friends on here. i can tell how much you love them and how much they love you back <3 maybe some ppl first liked u for ur humor and light, but love means accepting u when ur hurting and when u dont feel like u can shine anymore. pls dont be afraid to share that side of you with those who deserve ur trust, bc thats what a true friendship is. pls treat urself with the same kindness u give to everyone else. asking for help isnt being selfish and it isnt letting anyone down. u do not have to shine for everyone else while being blind urself. following u has been a wild ride from the day i first found ur blog and ive enjoyed every day since. this year i hope the world becomes a bright and beautiful place for you.

@bobohu elaine, im not sure who you want following you since u changed ur blog...i think u left while i was taking a break from tumblr, but i found you again from a post about the kinds of love you feel for exo, i knew there was only one person who writes like that, so beautifully and so full of love. you were one of the first exo blogs i followed and you have always been someone who radiates good vibes and sunshine. i want u to know i appreciate every one of ur positivity posts, and even in your selfies, your smile, you look exactly how i would expect from the kind of cute content you have. i want to genuinely thank you for being a fan for so long and doing what u can to make others happy. i love seeing your posts and im very happy i found you again

@boxianb ive been following u for so long and like idk how u do it but u reblog every single baekhyun post i have on my blog without fail. always. u r just all baekhyun all the time and u know what i admire that i respect that so much that is dedication and i see u and appreciate that, its exactly what i want and need in my life, thank you !!

@byunchen mel, ive seen your posts lately and how you are lonely and missing friends on here, and ive been following you for like...two years now..and we don’t really talk, im shy and you say ur shy and bad at talking.... but here’s me saying that i see you and i appreciate the time you spend on here blogging and talking. im not really active enough anymore to promise to interact a lot but this year i will try to talk more and i wish you many adorable anons and people to call friends !! thank u for coming this far and being an important part of my dash

@exolgbt around when i first followed u i was questioning a lot if i was actually a lesbian and somehow ur blog just like...comforted me ? made me feel good ? helped me try to understand myself ? seeing someone so proudly a lesbian and also so in love with exo... ive come to terms with being bisexual but i admire you and really love your content and all the exo mlm appreciation !! ur doing good work <3

@imagine-baekhyun i dont know who is running this account but ur literally ruining my life thanks i hate it !!!!!!

@kjonginswife i have to admit ive wanted to talk to u for a while alkjgslkjg its nice to see someone my own age on here, i did see ur universe reaction and i think youre adorable haha i dont follow a lot of non-bbh stans and honestly i think i followed you at first by mistake but i have never regretted it !! idk how to put it into eloquent words but basically u give me such good friendly vibes and i love seeing your posts and your tags and your personality and just know someone on here really appreciates you and would miss you if u left

@kkaeb-my-song one of the holy first baekhyun blogs i followed <3 from the beginning you struck me as a very sweet person so cutely in love with baekhyun and that hasn’t changed, ive only come to appreciate you even more. you’re a constant on here and being in this fandom wouldn’t be the same without you !!

@mochibaeks I LOVE YOU i know youre not as active lately jelly but I LOVE YOU youre like the sweetest cutest squishiest most adorable person ive seen on this site i just...love...everything you say and make!! im p sure i first followed u bc u did like the bias audio challenge a while ago...u sounded so friendly and adorable, ur voice is very fitting for you haha you are so warm i hope you stick around for a long time because i love you soooo much

@rosybbh ive been following u sophia for a while and we’re mutuals but we havent talked a lot and im still honestly intimidated by you lol idk how u feel about this view but i see you as a very strong person, just the way u talk seems confident in some way to me, whether u feel like that or not. i dont really have the right words, but i admire that. i LOVE everything u say about bbh...all ur posts for bbh n about u n bbh...damn u always got me daydreaming about him too :( except ok there was this one pic of chanyeol and u said smth like ‘imagine him manspreading’ and id like u to know that that actually ruined my life and i havent forgotten it so thanks. for u especially i hope u have a very bright and healing year

@r-velvets vivian i know u have been gone recently but still lurk, and u have one of my fave blogs content wise and gifs and personality. u r still like THAT way too cool mutual i get so excited to see...especially bc you’re also so kind and during that really hard night after the news of Jonghyun, idk how or why but just those few words u said made me feel a lot better. i miss you online but i hope youre doing well in your real life and finding happiness

@sefuns i dont have a lot to say bc im really shy but u were the FIRST exo blog i ever followed and you have given nothing but great content since i found you two years ago, and when u followed me more recently i could not believe the notification aglksjgljk i have no idea how u found me but knowing we’re mutuals made me very happy and gave me a little blush and i just wanted to let u know that

@thundaelights fey, i dont think this will mean much to you coming from a stranger, but after following you for two years, i feel like i know you some, and i want to say that i hope this year you see many beautiful sights, and your heart feels light, and you are surrounded by things that give happiness. i hope something happens soon that makes the whole world look different, look brighter. its funny how life can change so fast and without warning. i wish you not just strength but also a safe place to fall apart and hope to put yourself back together. may you find countless reasons to smile

@wangeun we talked a lot for a while and then i just kind of disappeared i think as i often do rip but i still love following you and i just want to say real quick that i see you and i notice you and i would miss you if you left and i hope youre finding a lot of success in your life

to new mutuals @cuddlyjd @okaybaekhyun @baekhyuns i still get so shy and happy when anyone follows me back but thank you !! you are all three cute and adorable and funny n kenzie i hadnt followed a great jongdae stan in a while since the old dae-biased blogs i followed became inactive thank u for loving jongdae so well alkgjs

@sebyun @winterbyuns @etherealbbh @progamerbyun @dearbyun @baeksee @byunvoyage @solobaek @queenbyun @baekhyy @baehkhun @ethereal-baek i love all of u bbh stans giving baekhyun the love and adoration he deserves n giving me the positive baekhyun content my heart needs. esp solobaek (kiki, right?) u have the cutest most wonderful tags i love reading them all and seeing so many heart emojis

im sorry i dont have the most to say but im thinking of you all and wishing you the best!!!!

#sry if u dont even know me lol i mostly lurk rather than actually talk #happy new year!!!!#p

27 notes · View notes

disappolntment · 4 years

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undeveloped thoughts until a new psych don’t crucify me

actually don’t even read this I’m venting and it’s probably victim playing because I don’t think I’m going through a hard time ever apparently

gd my mum bitches about my little sister like she isn’t in the room with us

I want to be supportive and validating to them both because I see both sides

It’s just a bad position to be in. I love them both a lot but it happens every day and instead of her dealing with it she just yells at me about it and then acts like it doesn’t exist and my little sister doesn’t have any consequences but honestly the only person my sister treats like this is my mum?

Regardless a kid doesn’t understand?? They’re just getting yelled at

but I’m trying to get into a new psych, deal with my eczema and get back into uni/life and friendship circles

I can’t fix ur parenting for you

or mediate for you anymore and I’m asking you to stop but you’re still taking and I’m still giving but I’m a fucking pushover for people I love

I’ve been doing it my whole life. I didn’t know I had emotions until the age of fucking 21 because the only time you’d give me any form of attention was when you were crying about my dad (fuck yeah toxic behaviour I probably mimicked but my dad was also a narcissist so :) :) :) I have self professed daddy issues don’t I just have a fucking target on my head)

(raised to think now feel later tbh which is why I was so fucking dumb when trusting the first boy I slipped into bed with YIKES IM A DUMBASS LMAO he was a complete stranger in hindsight but I trusted brea’s input and honestly I think I was just connected to her? Not her fault lovely human who went through a lot also even if she hates me lmao)

Find your own fucking voice of reason REGARDLESS MUM

She doesn’t even listen to advice and just talks over me all of the time? infuriating. I asked her yesterday if she was going through a difficult time lately and she told me no? She is having the best time everything is going really well for her etc she is really excited about life and the business

She genuinely is on top of the moon every single day. But the only things she speaks to me about: her emotional baggage. stress. this needs to be a double ended stick. to get support you need to give it. because The way Annabelle talks to you is the least of my issues when I have split personalities induced by psychosis. (My own fault. I’m an adult. I’m not blaming her).

When I black out for 3 days straight and don’t remember the last 3 years of my life...

I need a hospital.

I need a good psychiatrist and I’m in a position where I am PHYSICALLY unable to get it.

I don’t need to hear your emotional baggage.

I’m going through a hard time right now and I can’t give mundane support to people.

I’m so selfish though?

deal with your own shit IM BEING AN ACTIVE LISTENER and giving you decent support and you aren’t even asking me how my day is in return.

I do it because I love you but I fucking can’t even love myself right now please stop doing this if you don’t 100% need it? I’m only one person. This is just stupid.

everything is genuinely my fault coming down from losing reeya (especially because she heavily sided with my ex after validating the abuse but tbh I think I treated her like trash so I kinda understand and that genuinely is her decision I hope she is doing well now and we have both grown idk it was probably for the best I’m so self destructive all of the time which isn’t tight in friendships but ya girls first relationship her fucking dad died in it I’m not a miracle working despite putting on a brave face. Again not her fault she had no responsibility by me at all this is a general observation

I’m not a psychologist so I don’t know who did who wrong especially after reading the messages she and joe exchanged?? But I was always acting how I felt and being honest and he was just guilt tripping me and making me feel bad about my concerns and lack of support idk how fucked up are large groups of people heavily addicted to weed and in denial about it)

(Actually in hindsight she did side with him and: It’s just so unsettling that my ex never spoke to me about the way he was feeling only to my support networks lol? Narcissist. He would always SHIT talk everybody he had ever encountered he hates everybody except the friends sexually assaulting me on a regular basis and thinks everybody is doing him wrong and I was the only reason he probably still has friends or a brother and am currently in a position where he can make his own life. bet they all fucking dropped off the face of the earth when you stopped having a hot girlfriend they could actively fondle and you to deny it. But then again prolly not y’all all into younger girls anyway??? Actively pursuing 17 yos is still a fucking crime :) :) sex fuelled perverts )

And having to admit to myself my ex actually is trash and all of these people I was convinced were lovely and good for me weren’t actually. All of these little things are coming back and genuinely no friends should be hearing them when they do? Because it did happen two months ago and I should be over it.

fuck yeah the incredible anxiety in public (only around men) I physically can’t control HAS BEEN REAL AND SOMETHING I haven’t had to deal with in so long

I literally

Just

Shut down

I can’t breathe

But I’m fucking dealing with it in a healthy manner I don’t need anybody to act sorry for me I need long term support and I don’t get that from my family SO IM FUCKING DEALING WITH IT. IT ISNT MY FRIENDS ISSUE.

but here I am playing victim because my issues aren’t even that bad 👈👈😎 and I’m okay being alive when I’m tending to my plants dog and video games

this past year has been hell on earth (I didn’t even know I was going through a hard time honestly #gaslighting) and I have a hard time creating new support networks which is fine because we are also working on thaaaaat I’m just venting Rn. I’m pleased to report I have a lovely group of friends that took me out and dropped me off at a party during PEAK SOCIAL ANXIETY I COULDNT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT HOLDING EITHER SAMS OR JAYDES HAND they’re fucking lovely and I forget I have mental issues around them they’re actually fucking phenomenal

REGARDLESS I needed to vent a little so that continues:

yes, I can help you

but no, you aren’t getting help

********* I shouldnt need to be having emotional outbursts 24/7 for people to acknowledge they’re effecting me or I’m going through a hard time. I’m not like that!!!! I should just be able to tell them my boundaries and conveye WHATS going on and them recognise and respect me *********

If I’m being a little bitch isn’t that the point of talking about it? fucking hurt my feelings I don’t care it’s PRODUCTIVE even if you fucking need time to like sit on them I’m so understanding WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU NEED I KNOW IT CAN BE ROUGH

“Sorry” just fucking guiltrips people without change

But it also prevents you from making meaningful connections with people if you refuse to change.

(Have fun being your dad dumbass xx)

DO WRONG? ITS GOING TO BE CONFRONTED IF I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I WANT THE BEST FOR YOU AND in turn us. Stop being a bitch about it.

But I can’t even say that with complete conviction nowadays especially in the company of people after my last relationship and my ex best friend because my reactions were mine in all of it and I did lose reeya. Objectively speaking I must have been shit because reeya isn’t a dumb person?

still haven’t told my shit psych about any of this because he is cracking onto my mum and me

And actively telling me I can’t pursue uni or any goals I bring to the table. Always cuts me off when I wish to vent.

Stress

all because I saw his face today and he acted happy to see me which is a fucking lie because that man does not have a single ounce of empathy and that’s still so apparent because all he does is fuck freshly 18-19 yo’s and bitch to my loved ones how much he misses me like lmao you never even established a bond with me I was just a trophy. but anyway he has never actually apologised or attempted to rectify any of his mistakes the only thing he has ever said to me was shit like “*fake tear* you hate me” “you just want to fuck him” (I HAVE SUCH A LOW SEX DRIVE IM ALMOST POSITIVE IM ASEXUAL I DONT WANT TO FUCK ANYBODY UNLESS IM OBSESSED WITH THEM AND I WOULD TELL HIM THIS AND HE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME IM LYING OR IMPLY IT IM JUST TRYING TO FUCKING ACCURATELY EXPRESS MYSELF AND YOURE GUILT TRIPPING ME) “I look shit (my dad literally just died and the entire Italian family is downstairs arguing about the funeral and shit talking me to my face and I’m crying about it and the only things he says is that. I yelled at him constructive things like: it probably wasn’t the time for that I just needed support for a little while?? I felt bad and started comforting him because I loved him and him being happy made me feel better.)”

Occasionally when he was drunk “I’m the best” NARCISSISTS

Such a fucking victim playing narcissist (and his brother does it too to this poor girl named Phoenix??? But she is leaving soon if Mitch doesn’t decide following in his big brothers footsteps, fucking people younger than his little brother, is detrimental. I hope they get off drugs and spend time away from mitchs family. I’m always torn between sending her a message to establish an “sos” contact in the area but Sam still lives there so that’s comforting? But also not really because that environment is not good for Sam to be in. Torn.)

You weren’t the one cheated on buddy. You weren’t the one gaslit. You weren’t the one who lost their dad and family and had no support other than “I hate myself”.

You got an angry reaction. You did something shit.

Also;

Yes, that man in public is interesting.

Yes, I am having human conversation with him and am learning things.

Yes, I am denying his advances.

No, I clearly don’t want to fuck him. He knows I have a boyfriend. You are POSSESSIVE AND TOXIC AND IN COMPLETE DENIAL ABOUT IT. I DONT CHEAT ON PEOPLE AND IVE NEVER CHEATED ON ANYBODY. I GREW UP WITNESSING THE EFFECTS IT HAD ON MY FUCKING MUM. STOP TAKING A MALE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR HOT GIRLFRIEND AS AN EGO JAB. FUCKWIT.

YOURE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FUCKING DAD THAT EVEN TRIED THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE ON ME IN HINDSIGHT

You. Are. Definition of shit buddy.

I told you everything and was made to feel emotionless? I literally gave you all of my emotions. Im so dumbbbb.

You had them.

Fuck you.

My emotional responses were so skewed because you GASLIT ME.

Trash is the human that gaslights a girl losing; her dad to cancer and entire family to the ordeal.

Trash is the human that says he wants to love and support a girl going through shit like that, and believes his victim playing/self deprecating ‘issues’ are bigger than hers.

You aren’t caring because you financially supported bringing me along for your life style so you can show me off?

Closure is just something I have to live without in both regards though. Which is shit because I genuinely want to grow from fucking up that friendship with reeya?? But also I’m so mad she took my ex’s side. Like... take no side at all if you can’t make a decision.

Both people could be equal parts the problem. It’s a fucking breakup.

I think I’m mad and guilty because I let joe use all of my support networks to validate himself.... but only after they validated me.

“Do better than your parents”

But I don’t understand if I should be angry or guilty over that entire ordeal?? Because I understand clouded judgement during that time and going through your own shit and hating me during that time I was a fucking DUMBASS and a sympathiser to somebody negatively effecting me “because he has done so much for me” (it should be a thankless fucking task I gave him the opportunity to leave before this entire thing I sat him down in his dorm room and said stuff in my home life is about to get rough I don’t know how I’m going to react. I’m prepared to break things off for the time being are you positive you’re prepared to do this with me it’s genuinely okay if you aren’t.)

(All in all: acknowledging so many mistakes I made like not reacting to a lot of things and giving people the benefit of the doubt; anyway I’m actively trying to correct them and it’s difficult in this environment because my families issues are mineeeeeeee B) B) B) BUT ALSO GIVING MYSELF TO PEOPLE STRAIGHT AWAY and now I have to relearn boundaries which is fucking TIGHT)

I wish them both the best regardless.

I probably did fuck it all up.

But like they’d ever tell me? Like I’ll ever get their side.

I genuinely didn’t mean to hurt anybody and was only trying to keep the peace in every regard because that’s genuinely how I was raised

But I just didn’t know that’s actually detrimental? Like people pleasing and shit (I’m growing all over again and realigning my moral compass)

So confusing because I never used to be a people pleaser with my friendship groups or anything like that.

I feel like I just unlearnt all of the information and dialogue I worked really hard trying to secure in a relationship :) I can’t even cope with my mum bitching about my little sister without having a mental breakdown now.

it’s all coming up milhouse-

my dog is fat (he got into the giant food bag like twice and almost flipped his stomach but instead put on about 50kgs so now I’m the owner of a fat Labrador) and dog aggressive now when other dogs try and hump him (it’s very weird for renny he is usually very patient but there’s a new puppy in the family so he is kinda over being the rest dummy I think)

I’m just going to invest my time into fatass and see what happens

I don’t know what I need or who to get advice from but I’m sick of joe always being in my environment nd if people don’t let me run anyway soon prolly gna neck because everybody I love sympathises with him so much which is so confusing for me it’s like people are going to fucking validate my emotions (which means fuck all now???) and also sympathise with my fucking abuser (which also needs to be validated by a psych because this is just beyond my support networks and me anyway)

👈👈😎

but alas here covid is so I can’t run away which isn’t an answer anyway but at least then maybe I can focus on myself for a day without everybody I love abandoning me

I’m a massive victim have pitty on me I hope things look up with this new psych and they don’t just convince me I’m playing victim too but invalidating everything I say. but it’s for the best because I think I get greedy when people give me a platform when I need intense emotional support (sorry you had to deal with any of this reeya)

fuck yeah

cant even blame my mum for guilt tripping me into accepting help from my ex while on holidays it’s my fault I was in that position!!!! because I’m a shit person who genuinely deserves to be alone for the shit she has done!!!! and her mother’s issues have always been hers!!!! But I just wanted to make everybody happy and you kept reassuring me it was okay!!!!!

so fuck everybody that thinks I’m a horrible person right off the bat when men are capable of making their own decisions especially when I’m giving them all of the facts???? Fuck victim players!!!!

AGAIN DONT CRUCIFY ME THESE ARE ALL UNDERDEVELOPED BECAUSE IVE HAD NO GUIDANCE AND STRUGGLE WITH INTENSE MEMORY LOSS THE PAST 3 YEARS ALL I CAN DOCUMENT IS THE WAY I FEEL AND IM SEEing A PSYCH SOON ALL I Can do in the meantime is treat the people in my current circle with respect but I’m struggling and need my family to support me emotionally a little without invalidating me? But I can’t dump all of my shit on them consistently because fuck this level of emotional baggage on anybody other than a psych or myself lmao

But that’s okay because people will never understand how the individual feels and it genuinely is up to me to deal with my own shit.

#mine

0 notes

survivor-kuwait · 5 years

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Episode 3 - "I can feel my fangs coming in...tail growing...literally about to snake someone tonight and idk who it should be." - Owen

Out of all the people to take out 9-1.... you take out Beastman? Like when Nehemiah- THE PERSON WHO WAS ALREADY VOTED OUT- was there? Like what kind of fucking logic is that? Seriously, had you all used your heads and actually THINK- that should've been the 9-1 vote... Not for Beastman. Literally livid right now, and while I love the immunity of the safe zone, I do not want to tempt fate and throw this next challenge. I am here for myself, and any agenda that I have of wanting this asshole of a player gone- needs to wait or I need to have others do it for me. Praying that it is the latter over the former.

Well, I’m sad that Matt B. Was voted out. I felt that I could have worked with him in the game. Now there is still 10 complete signs and Nehe (Pisces) in the game. We need to win the oasis atleast so we can talk to people because not being able to communicate with anyone else is really gunna hurt us. I rather be in the oasis than warzone. This next immunity looks like we have a chance to win but it is gunna be lucked bases and if anyone wants us to be in the warzone. Hopefully no one does and we can slip into the top 5 now? and hopefully top 3.

Matt will never read this but it's okay, I wanted to type out my reasoning as to why I was chill with him being voted out. 1. I'm trying to play a game that's a little more selfish and a little less selfless to see if I can catch lightning in a bottle and get a TS win. 2. I really liked Matt and had things gone differently I would have been all about a long term alliance, that being said if I'm going to work with someone I need them to be able to keep their name off the unanimous block. He didn't talk to anyone at all til it was too late. I need an ally that if I things gets sticky for me then they need to he able to have pull to help me out of it. 3. This is a long game and we only have quick snippets of time to make connections and I'm not about to throw my vote to spare someone's feelings and get 8 other people start to think I'm swishy washy. They need to believe they can call upon me if they need to. Sorry about the 9-1 vote, but it's a game and we have a long way left to go.

Only remaining Matt! And boy do I feel powerful. However, I feel worse than ever regarding the challenge, it’s just extremely complex and it requires myself and Adrien to put a lot more effort than we are putting in. It’s hard because with only two people there’s no one else to rely on but ourselves, and honestly it’s consistently easier just to defect to him so at least something gets done.

I am getting really worried. My partner hasnt been on today and hasnt really help with the challenge. Im sooo worried that we are going to lose. I was just meh about it so i dont even fucken know if the list will be good and the target list is like my own thoughts even if i told Renee it was random.orged. I just wish no one wants to target us and we are atleast in top 5.

Well we lost immunity. It sucks. But I get to talk to Madison again and also Stephen which is good because I can try and like solidify something with them. Timmy is here too so I can try and work with him but we do have org history with each other. I just hope Renee and I arent targeted this round.

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Most likely gonna stick with doodle and nehe this round, it was either nip that alliance immediately or ride it till its time to flip, flipping now would just antagonise everyone.

I feel like I’m doing well socially but thats on my side. I dont know how people are perceive me. 🤷‍♂️ I hope that I’ll be good for tonight. Timmy and I talked last night and it was really good. It was more of life than game. I enjoyed it. I really want to work with Timmy, hopefully its mutual.

Narrowly avoided tribal this round, probably thanks to Cancer and Virgo making their entire list for the challenge "do nothing". I'm not sure if they threw it on purpose or if that was some type of strategy to keep signs from being mad at them, either way it's a damn challenge, people can get over it. Especially when you can target a sign that has consistently been on the top on challenges in Capricorn. I don't care, I'm not going to tribal, in other news, I landed another hit in battleshits. I need to get that ship sunk before someone else happens to find it as well, if I can grab another advantage that's one more someone else can't use against me.

I want to get Stevie out. I don’t think it’s going to happen but i want to try. I would go for Owen but people tend to tell Owen things if he name is mentioned because he just has that personality. I don’t think Stevie would have those connections and it would be nice to limit that tribe since they went to the Oasis twice already (I think that’s what it’s called). I just need to look back to see if he is already the weak link on the tribe because then it might be better to keep him but honestly I’d still rather see him go. So I’ll try to get people on board for some plan.

I uh threw out a name out to Timmy. I really feel like we can actually work together in this game my target as of now is Stevie. He’s really nice person but havent really talked to him outside of the warzone chat. Timmy had the same idea so hopefully it could be an easy vote tonight. Timmy seems on board so he could get his partner Trace. Doodle amd Stephen want to work with me and Renee so we’ll have their votes too. I need to talk to madison but hopefully they would want to do Stevie too. Leaving both Capricorns on the outs which sucks cuz i like Owen.

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This vote is getting closer and closer. I’m slightly getting more nervous. Its being very calm and quiet again. Stevie is still the target for me so we’ll see how that goes. I’m just worried that there would be messy scrambling the last hr or 30 minutes that would switch targets but right now it feels like Timmy is on board for Stevie and hopefully Stephen would be too.

for the first time, I spend the day in the Oasis. Winning 3rd place is a blessing and for it to be on this challenge, an even bigger one (not seen as a comp threat, can pretend we tried to flop but not make it obvious to the Pact). I am glad that I get to socialize with Willow a bit again. And hopefully I can socialize w Matt and Adrian a bit too. Cullan is lowkey dry and idk if he likes me at all but idk why he wouldn't. Tonight, the people I like are facing tribal council. Owen, Madison and Jacob cannot go home but Renee could! I hope some miracle pulls through and that b*tch is sent packing. I did not come for her in any way shape or form in immunity bc I want to be able to disingenuously rebuild w her if we make it onto the same tribe or we both make it to merge. Renee's ass did NOTHING BUT GRAB AND SRATCH ME HOWEVER. FUCKING BITHCHCISOAFHISHFSKLHGSHGKLS I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK UNTIL NOW. I HOPE OWEN LOOKED AT RESULTS AND IS ON THE SAME WAVELENGTHS AND GETS THAT BITCH OUTTA HERE. Kait and Thomas also grabbed/scratched but nowhere near as much as Renee's dumbass did. She's an idiot, she has no game. I'm getting her ass out the fucking second I have a chance. Does she not remember how easy it was to get rid of her the moment I wanted to in Kanto? forget you, go home, goodbye! I mean, this is embarrassing. You threw every wrench you could at me yet still I am top 3 and I do nothing to you and still you are in the bottom 6. anyway, prayer circle for renee to go back to the fissure where she came from.

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....

Okay soooo i did something bad LMAO I told Nehe I wanted to work with him and then I told madison/Jacob I wanted to work with them and then I told Timmy/trace I wanted to work with them hehe so my plan was to vote Stephen/Taylor or maybe go for renee but..... Nehe wants to vote anyone BUT Stephen taylor/ and madison+trace both don’t want to do maynor/renee.... fuck my life

So basically I have to either turn on Nehe which would kinda suck or somehow convince madison and jacob to do renee or maynor but I feel like they might even go for Nehe and ughhh how did I put myself between this ALREADY My horoscope was right I am dying today

...

I can feel my fangs coming in...tail growing...literally about to snake someone tonight and Idk who it should be. I THINK that right now it’s: Timmy/Trace/Madison going for Taylor, Nehe/Stephen/Taylor going for Renee, Maynor going for Stevie. I have no clue what renee and jacob want. Theoretically if stevie and I vote for renee it could be 5-4-2 if renee did stevie but I also think that madison could try to get renee to do taylor.... ugh. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lie to Nehe, he was the one who told me that Maynor wanted Stevie out. But I can’t screw over madison/Jacob/Trace/Timmy.... Maybe I could vote renee but Stevie could vote taylor,???? And then I tell madison and jacob that Stevie did renee? But I tell Nehe that I did renee??? Idk this is all just too complicated and some people like Stevie and jacob won’t ANSWR ME

Jshdia I am dying how messy this vote is getting. The names that have been thrown out are Renee, Doodle, Stephen, and Stevie. Hopefully we can have the votes stay on Stevie but im worried about Renee. I just hope Im safe tbh. It is a single games after all.

...

I am dying right now. Its either gunna be doodle or stevie tonight. Me and Renee are hearing mix signals. Ugh I just hope it isnt me or Renee going. It would totally suck if i leave and it would be bad if Renee left. Its gunna be a crazy tribal thats for sure.

Ok so today has been interesting. It's been such a back and forth between Taylor and Stevie going but at this point it's going to be Taylor. I know I said I wanted Stevie earlier, but honestly it's not me going so I don't care too much tbh. Stevie's name has already gone around once now so it's not going to be too difficult to bring it up again in the future. I'm just hoping for a twist tonight honestly. Something needs to change about this game.

Ooo i dont know if anyone caught that in the warzone chat but Stevie posted he was pushing for Taylor then removed it. I was dying if this was an accident. 😂 but im just crossing my fingers that its Stevie tonight. Doodle seems like they wants to work with me so I want to keep them around.

I ACTUALLY CANNOT HANDLE THIS RN DSAKFJHFSKJD UIGHHHHHHHHHHHH okay so madison tells me jacob and timmy want stevie out and then shes like "wait maybe not" and im like ok and she's like "taylor it is" NNNN OK SO FUCK JACOB AND TIMMY FOR CONSIDERING STEVIE BEHIND MY BACK?????? now I feel extra bad for betraying nehe... but stevie wants to do taylor 100% and renee is seeming to do taylor too? idk if I should just vote taylor and do damage control with nehe/stephen or ifi should vote renee and try to pin it on stevie idek anymore. im worried ppl are being sketch with me and voting me??? but I think if they were votin for me they wouldnt be trying to tell madison stevie or taylor or all this. and idk if taylor/stephen are rlly doing renee like nehe says....or if theyre doing stevie with maynor???? ugh idk. and renee I have no clue about this is just too much but whatever ill make up my mind when tribal comes and pray it isnt me

The Oasis was nice as a change of pace from the warzone definitely!! Sad I missed the movie tho

one good thing about the warzone.... i dont have to deal with nehe yelling at me tonight

I had a really good time at Oasis! It feels good to succeed at something and I’m glad I got to talk to new people, but it also really reminded me that there is so much game left to be played and so many new alliances that need to be made. Thor Ragnarok was good but I was literally waiting for Chris Hemsworth to yell an idol clue or something... and now there’s a swap so I can shit my pants about that

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Pants have been shat. This war zone thing AND being on a tribe with any of the 3 people I’ve talked to is freaking me out like sauerkraut. I just gotta keep showing up enough for these challenges!

Haha i am dying. Both times o switched my target. This one tho might have not beed good but i think it was because me being able to adapt is part of this game and willing to sacrifce someone is 🤷‍♂️. Now lets hope i can get something out of this search i have hit 3 slots with tonight at 11:11pm will be my 4th hit. Cross your fingers for me. This swap is good and bad. But i just need to stay away from the bottom 5.

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Lmfao. I swap with the one person that i don't want to associate myself with, like at all. which means that my road to getting 15th is already settled. which i literally hate because i do not want to do anything with Nehe and he has the audacity of messaging me: "we good or nah?" like.... you do the fucking math. you screwed me over and you ask that? like ofc we're not good. like im gonna make it my mission to screw you and your allies that you have made over the course of the past 4 rounds. you are a fucking little snake and im here with a vendetta. and that is to get you OUT!

Honestly Nehemiah is so full of shit. Him telling me the move is Renee when he knows there are no numbers there. I want his ass OUT

#survivorstarzone #episodes

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