#this blog is here for me to vent my thoughts and that implies frustration and anger | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

coplins · 3 years

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(1/3) Thanks for responding. I totally see the queerbaiting/kill your gays criticism - it's clear from Misha's comments after the fact that he really thought he was doing something supportive and didn't get how it was the opposite. I wasn't upset with ignoring Eileen because that whole plot was so badly written, and I didn't mind blurry wife because that was a story they'd never have time to tell, so leaving it to be your choice of wife/co-parent (Jared's words) worked for me.

(2/3) I don't see Dean's lack of reciprocation as a problem because Jensen and the showrunners have continuously said that is not their intent in writing/acting that character, so anything folks read into it is subtext. Again, Misha thought it would be better rep than it was. It was a bad call. John isn't canonically a child abuser, just a lousy parent. Both Dean and Sam have done so many crappy things as well that honestly, they shouldn't be there by that metric either. 3/4) But I don't think the finale (awkwardly written as it was) cancels out their character development at all. They are different people - back at the starting point, but not the men they were when they started. Dean is emotionally open; he's dropped acting tough and can talk about his emotions. He can be alone and be okay. Sam is no longer afraid of his blood or turning into John; he can be a good dad. I wish we'd seen Jack and Cas, or heard them at least wish them well, even just a prayer. (4/4) But even though that was crappy to leave out, I don't think it negates the show or the characters. 19 added Cas and Jack's names to the table, and I can be happy with that as the final episode. I was prepared to pretend it didn't exist before it even aired. I AM really glad you're anti-harassment. The shit that even folks like Kripke have been getting on their pages has made me so sad. Dabb posted something about baboons and folks even thought it was about them, not his new show! (Also, sorry to dump like a huge text thing in your inbox. It's totally fine that we disagree on things. I've just seen so many crazy things like people blaming Jared and saying the episode was an ad for Walker and to boycott Walker - a ton of Jared hate in general, really. Or saying Jensen "Destiel Isn't Real" Ackles is secretly a heller who's been viciously silenced by the powers that be for years. And now Misha's getting dogpiled for trying to interact and understand how he fucked up.)

It's fine, Nonnie. :)

Okay, so, just to make one thing clear. If you enjoyed the finale, then I think it's great. For everyone who didn't get their joy sucked out of them, that's awesome! I got to see the Wincest side of my Tumblr dash go apeshit from happiness and I'm happy for them. I've since had to unfollow some of those blogs when they turned bitter and hateful towards those of us who didn't like the ending. I curate my Tumblr (internet in general) experience to avoid seeing hate thrown at ships, actors, characters, fans, or people in general. I unfollow people if they post too much toxic stuff no matter if they're Destiel shippers, angel fans, or whatever part of fandom they're in.

I try not to reblog too much angry/bitter crap either. There are a lot of posts on my dash that I wholeheartedly agree with but don't belong on my blog. And I've written my share of wank and rants over the years but seldom hit post because I don't want to ruin someone else's positivity. When I do hit post I tag it "spn wank" so it can be avoided. If I need to angry-rant I do so in chat. Sometimes I mess up. There are undoubtedly some less than nice posts in the Buckleming wank category on my blog.

Generally speaking, my M.O. is disengaging and/or vote with my wallet. I will never condone cyberbullying. No matter how famous the person, or how nasty they are, harassment isn't okay. Actions have consequences and I try to think of what they are before I act. If I vent hurtful opinions about an actor, it'll be kept in chat, with someone who understands that particular frustration. (Not related to the current situation.)

When it comes to canon, it doesn't matter what showrunners or actors tell us about how it's meant to be interpreted or how they meant to act it. Canon is what's shown on screen, period. As curious as I am about what the actors have to say about things, it isn't important regarding canon at all. I'll stan my boys no matter what their characters get up to on-screen. <3

Yeah, I've seen the theories and the dogpiling. Luckily, I've avoided seeing the Jared hate but I knew it would be there because the internet is a cesspool of people lashing out aimlessly or misdirecting their anger. Even IF they wrote the finale in a way that they thought would put a spotlight on Jared's upcoming series, HE was nowhere near a position of power to make that decision and should be left out of it. I just figured, if it was true that that's what they thought, then the Wincest bunch was their target audience for the new show. *shrug*

Interesting to hear your take on the finale. If I follow people who have your take, they're not vocal about it, or I'm simply missing it because I don't stalk Tumblr. All it takes for me to stop scrolling and go back to my writing is 3 unknown anime posts in a row or one reader-insert fic and I'm nope-ing the hell out of here. X)

I'm not going to argue against any of your points. It's great that you saw it that way. Fuck, I wish I did too.

I kinda feel like I need to address the child abuse comment I made, though. Some separate neglect and abuse like those aren't the same, some only count physical abuse, others include verbal abuse. Too many of my loved ones (both close friends and family) have experienced all three of those categories and the one who was left alone to care for her little sister as a child, definitely has a lot of mental scarring from it, so I'm counting neglect as abuse. That said, I fucking love John Winchester. So it might be Jeffrey Dean Morgan's charisma, so sue me. But John canonically neglected the hell out of his sons. We got proof of that even in this season when John drops his son off for days in a town where kids have gone missing recently. So, yeah... But, on the other hand, of course both he and Mary should end up in Heaven. Like, that wasn't even a question.

I think my strong reaction against it was how every part of the found family the Winchesters had gathered over the years was erased from the narrative as soon as Dean died. The only one who is shown as important is Bobby, a found-family member that initially was connected with John, not someone the brothers had found and connected with on their own. Bobby is also the only non-Winchester in the photos Sam has over his bed when he's dying. I don't know, man, "Everyone's here," simply doesn't do it for me.

"Family ends with blood" like the finale implied, only works if the greatest monsters in life haven't been family members, and my best friends (twins) growing up, just like my mother, were abused, mentally, physically, and sexually, by parents. I've seen the aftermath of those hellfires, how long it takes to assemble the fractures of your being and become, if not whole, at least functional and happy. For them, it was the friends they made along the way, those who loved them when they couldn't, who really mattered.

And that was one thing I really loved about SPN (and still do). Team Free Will. Wayward Sisters. All the people that they met along the way and connected with. I've loved to see Sam and Dean develop their bond by taking it from unhealthy, destructive co-dependency to step by step with several setbacks become their own individuals with lives outside of each other, yet still having the strong bond full of brotherly feels where the love they had for each other was rooted in respect for each other's differences and not who they "were supposed to be for each other". And unlike you, I can't see anything but regression in how the finale played out.

Okay, I gotta stop talking now. ^^ I have one scene my betas told me I need to rewrite in my next chapter, and another chapter half done, and I'm itching to post so I need to get on with it.

I hope I didn't put too much of a dampener on your enjoyment of the finale. My opinions don't matter. We all come from different life experiences and therefore find different things compelling and important. I don't begrudge anyone their happiness. <3

*Hugs*

#anonymous #spn finale #supernatural

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trifoliate-undergrowth · 4 years

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Your Grandma didn't say you look like a twink. Stop fetishizing gay men. Gay men are gay they literally will never be attracted to you. Stop fetishizing their culture and misusing their words. You're a genuinely bad person, but I guess that's what happens when you grow up white and straight, Karen.

Hahahaha wow okay I’ve had my first anon hate, I guess I’m big tumblr blog now, we should throw a party to celebrate this milestone!

Okay friend, you make some valid points, let me try to break this down.

I’m guessing you’re referring to this post .

No, my grandma didn’t say I looked like a twink; as I pointed out I doubt she knows the word. She implied that I looked like a young pretty boy and my reaction was “so… a twink.”

I wasn’t trying to say anything deep with this post. I was trying to cope with a bad situation by posting a humorous personal rant onto this-here fandom blog, thus making it publicly viewable to strangers forever. Was this necessarily a good decision? No. But it’s already been done, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ here we are.

I think I understand why you’re taking offence at me using a gay term while not identifying as gay. This isn’t a Trisha Paytas thing. I didn’t wake up one day and think “wow I wish I could be with gay men as another gay man and not have the complicated gender stuff that comes with heterosexual relationships bc I think gay men are cute n I wanna be an uwu thicc boi”. I watched Jammidodger, an actual trans person, reacting to her video (with confusion) and felt deeply uncomfortable because… is that what we look like? Is that what people really think trans people are like? Big yikes. No one wants to be a Trisha Paytas. I think Jamie made some good points–Trisha may, or may not, genuinely be questioning her gender; what IS clear is that she hasn’t thought about the subject for long and her ideas are very confused. I don’t think she should have made a video at that point, but I’m hardly in a position to judge other people for using the internet to vent when I’m over here doing it myself. I hope she figures out, uh… .whatever the hell is going on with her. And stops prematurely inserting herself into the trans identity, to the confusion of everyone involved.

But yeah, I see why Anon would react like this to me using a gay term, it could read like I’m an outsider Trisha Paytas-ing my way into the gay community where I don’t belong. Believe me, I didn’t put that much thought into it. I thought it was funny that my grandma was trying to use “you look like a pretty boy” as an insult and I made a joke about it. I do see why you could be upset by someone not in the community “fetishizing” them or “misusing their words”. That was very much not my intention.

Now on to the part of your message that simply makes no sense.

“You’re a genuinely bad person, but I guess that’s what happens when you grow up white and straight, Karen.”

…Okay, since you have a tendency to misunderstand my words, I’ll try to spell this out for you.

Yes, I was in many ways raised in a position of privilege. I recognize that. I’m white as a catfish belly and I burn bright red like a crawfish if I’m in the sun for any amount of time. However, I am neither straight nor a Karen. And I’m very confused by your implicit argument that “You’re a bad person because you’re a white straight”. I know there’s a lot of implicit “well you can’t expect much of a white cishet male they’re all trash” here on tumblr, but that’s not helping anyone. It’s lowering the bar. RAISE THE BAR. RAISE IT. Men CAN do better and they SHOULD. And when did “we shouldn’t discount anyone because of their skin color or orientation” turn into “we should hate white cishets because literally every single one of them sucks actually”? I don’t see the logic. And I don’t appreciate the additional transphobia you’ve now brought to the table.

I’m curious Anon, what did you mean to accomplish by this approach? You could have just shot me a polite message with “hey I object to you using the word twink when you don’t identify with it and here’s why” and I’d be like “thanks man I didn’t think of that, I’ll be more careful in the future”. This could have been a respectful interaction but you decided to come at it like I’m the worst person in the world. I can’t help but think you’re just using the internet as a means to vent your frustration–which makes you no better than me.

And anyway, why is someone with such a messiah complex over here on a fandom blog that occasionally rant-posts about personal life and has barely crested 300 followers? I have very little clout my dude. If you want to make a difference, I suggest bringing your vitriol to someone who actually has a platform and abuses it. Go yell at Onision. Go throw clods of dirt at Pewdiepie. (for legal reasons I feel I should clarify that I don’t mean to encourage people to literally throw dirt or anons at pewdiepie I’m making a point) why are you here? What do you hope to accomplish? Yes, there is injustice in the world. Direct your anger at that. Don’t just pick a random tumblr blog and tell them they’re a bad person because they’re white.

#blog #asks #anon hate #personal #transphobia tw #long post

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barryslightningrod · 5 years

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To My Followers

Not to sound like a disgraced beauty guru, but I owe everyone this post. It’s Ramadan, I’m fasting right now, and in my faith, there is such a thing as accountability for the things you say and do if they are harmful, and my fasting is nothing more than an empty gesture if I did otherwise. Along with owning up to the words that hurt black women and apologizing for them, I would also like to be fair to myself and clarify some things. That’s what I’m hoping to do with this while being as truthful and as objective as possible, so please bear with me, as I anticipate that this will be quite lengthy. I’m also going to detail what happened chronologically and include links to my posts before I ultimately explain where I went wrong. In full transparency, I did not delete anything after the first “callout” post was made about me earlier this year because I didn’t want to come across as trying to pretend what I said never happened, but I also think I should have explained the posts in my subsequent apology.

On Policing Fandom Over Nora:

Over the last year, I’ve been a Nora “apologist” if that’s the word to use. I was and have been upset with fans for initially not taking to her and then for despising her entirely. I made posts about this throughout my blog. I explained that I felt as though the conflict between her and Iris was legitimate and that Iris was validated by the narrative, but I occasionally recognized that Nora was also being used by the writers to mistreat Iris for their own racist/misogynist agenda. There was some pushback to my views every now and then, with people pointing out that I was coming across as arrogant and as though everyone should feel the same way I should. I also felt like fandom had a double standard toward Nora. The writers have used characters and story arcs, involving Joe and Barry for example, to abuse and mistreat Iris before, and I saw Nora as an extension of that. So it was confusing to me that through all this, people still loved Joe and still shipped Barry and Iris, but advocated for Nora’s erasure and/or death. I also took the comments of some fans about Nora getting in the way of WA or always third-wheeling them to mean that this was the primary reason people disliked her, and that they were pitting Iris and Nora against each other for Barry’s affection. That prompted this post that fans who did that should’t have kids.

On The Elseworlds Crossover:

I hate Oliver and felt like the switch was ruining the trope of WA being together in every reality. I also was worried it meant Barry and Felicity would be together, and I still think that if Marc hadn’t been angry with Emily Bett, they would have fleshed that out more in the crossover. He was mad at her, yet Felicity and Barry still got a kiss for no reason than just to kiss. I vented about fans being excited for Oliver and Iris as a pairing when they wouldn’t feel the same way for Barry and Felicity or Barry and another woman. I made a claim that fans were self-inserting on Iris and wanted Iris to be loved by other men because they wanted those other men. I compared this to their distaste when Barry was with Patty or Felicity. I felt like real WestAllen fans wouldn’t want that and felt like there was a double standard going on because of over identification with Iris. There was also a subset of fans from Twitter boasting that Stephen had an erection after one kiss with Candice when he never did with Katie or Emily, and I know that was influencing my mindset at the time. So I wrote this and this about fandom wanting men to lust after Iris.

On Stephen Amell’s Racism and Islamophobia:

It bothered me that fans were sending Stephen praise for sending Candice a heart on Instagram or Tweeting her or whatever else he did around the time of the crossover. In January, he addressed the Ahmed Mohamed situation again (the Muslim student who was arrested for building a clock) and said he wasn’t regretful of the comments he said about that situation back in 2015 and that the police did the right thing. I made a post that Stephen is an asshole and that any Candice fan who looked over his racism because he sent her hearts should be ashamed.

January 2019:

In response to my post about Stephen and Candice, I received multiple Anonymous messages pointing out that I was coming for a fandom comprised of many black women for something a white man did. I became defensive in my responses that I didn’t call out black women and was rather speaking about a fandom collectively: (1)(2)(3)(4)(5)(6)(7)(8)(9)(10)(11)(12)

Afterward, this post was written about me detailing all of the above. I wrote this apology in response.

May 2019:

I did not use the term, “misogynoir,” but I might as well have because I did make this post last week attributing fandom double standards when it comes to Nora vs other characters’ treatment of Iris to racism or misogyny. That triggered this post and here we are today.

My Response:

Everything linked here has not been altered or edited and are words I typed out and posted myself. There were tags on one post about fans not caring about Iris’s journalism that I remember editing out shortly after publishing it in November 2018 (I think this was the post they were initially on), but they are saved in this screenshot by the original author of both callout posts.

I take responsibility for everything I said as a nonblack woman of color. I am not black and never claimed to be, and whenever I was asked by curious followers if I was, I disclosed that I wasn’t.

I do not believe that black women shouldn’t be mothers. I do not believe that black women lust after men and/or white men. I do not believe that black women want men and/or white men to lust after them. I do not believe that black women want to be validated by white people and prioritize validation by white people. I do not believe black women are quick to cry racism.

But I do know that over the last year, I have implied these things on my blog whether I realized I was doing so or not. What I considered to be a member of a fandom calling out other members of a fandom that I’m a part of can never be exclusively seen as that, because the fact of the matter is that I cannot divorce my status as someone who isn’t black from my criticism of a fandom of a black character and an interracial ship that may be varied in its makeup, yes, but is still ultimately composed of black women. Because I am not black, my frustrations with fandom will be put into a “political” context. They will stop being frustrations that are just general and start to become frustrations that are racist and anti-black, regardless of intention, not to mention that I am not immune to feeling or expressing anti-black or micro aggressive sentiments, consciously or not, simply by way of being a product of a racist society.

I thought I realized this in my first apology in January, but I never fully outlined that I did, and clearly I still had learning to do months later because I stepped out of my lane again. I still believed that fans were quick to forgive Barry whenever he wrongs Iris because he pulls a romantic gesture but will not extend that same consideration to Nora, despite both of them being exploited by the writers to abuse Iris. My thought process was that anyone can fall prey to the biases and prejudiced views that we’re socialized to internalize and accept, and I thought that was happening here again, which was why I said that this fandom isn’t exempt from racism or misogyny.

This came off as my telling a group of people who experience a combination of racism and misogyny that I will never come close to knowing what is and isn’t racist. And with the help of a friend, something that I didn’t consider or understand at all in the entirety of this Nora situation and throughout the course of the whole series is that is that because black women are subject to racism from the moment they’re born until the moment they die, when it comes to something like a TV show where they are being represented, they get to individually or collectively decide when to worry about their representation. They get to decide how they will worry about it. They get to decide if they will take action about it. And throughout this entire season, I, a nonblack person, have been telling black women how to deal with or address this particular instance of racism on the show because of my own personal experiences and because of what I myself prioritized in Barry and Iris’s story. This is arrogance at best and anti-blackness at worst.

My bias for the concept of WA having a child impacted my attitudes, as did my own familial relationships. I get why I had such an emotional response. I was looking forward to WA having a family and a child they would love more than anything, and it’s because I question very much the love my mother has for me. I’m not trying to make excuses or elicit a sob story, only that I understand now why people pick and choose things to “excuse” when it comes to the racist writing on this show. I have to make sense of why some fans were willing to overlook how abysmally Iris’s potential death was handled in Season Three for example, because they prioritized other things. Maybe they liked angst and liked that Barry was protecting Iris, whatever it was. Even if we’re all operating on the same notion that these writers hate Iris and will never see her as a human, we’re all just grasping at the smallest thing on the show to try to find solace or happiness in and taking what we can get. For me, that was with WA and their child, and it bothered me that a majority of people weren’t feeling the same way. So yeah, I became emotional. I let my emotions get the better of me a lot of the time. I made posts shaming fandom. And then my frustrations with fandom seeped into other things too, like the crossover and the praise of Stephen. I started to have less inhibitions about the things I posted, and in that, an ugly hostility toward fandom came out that was made to be political. I understand why it was and why I have to be more mindful in my criticism.

I will also say my experiences with fandom over the last five years came back to “haunt” me I guess you could say. For example, I’ve been called out before and unfollowed and blocked by other fans for being too critical of the writing. I was told that I’m never happy with anything, when a lot of my criticism was over the treatment and neglect of Iris because of her being a black woman. So I started to get upset because now there was this collective acknowledgment of that in fandom when it came to Nora. I’m sure that was also influencing my attitude because I was conflating a bad experience with fandom before with one now.

I’m not going to copy and paste my prior apology since this post is long enough, but I am linking it again as I want to echo its sentiments and because I am just as apologetic about the things in it. I am sorry once again to my followers and to anyone who came across my posts. I am sorry to the black women I hurt. I am sorry for dismissing the black women who tried to explain to me why they were hurt. I am sorry that it took a second callout post and reality check for me to understand your hurt.

On a more general note for my followers, I am sorry for shaming people who disagreed with me. I am sorry for shaming multi-shippers. I am sorry for the arrogance and superiority I ever exuded.

I understand that some people will not forgive me. I understand that some people will not believe this is sincere. I understand that some people may never have a favorable view of me again. I am still sorry and I will continue to say sorry.

I wanted to thank the friend who took the time to listen to what happened and to explain to me why I was wrong. She certainly didn’t have to take that on, but she did and I’m grateful to her. I also want to thank anyone who gave me a chance and read this in its entirety.

If there is something that anyone is still confused about or has a question over, I am willing to clarify in the replies.

Peace.

-BarrysLightningRod

#housekeeping #barryslightningrod

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nekob00 · 5 years

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Nek(R)o vent piece

A/N: this isn't canon. I just had to do something. I feel like everything is falling apart and I'm losing control of my life.

Also I meant to post this to the nekro blog. Oh well.

Also apparently I can't italicize on mobile. Sorry about that. I think there's only a couple of places I use italics but it's annoying. Anyway im going to stop adding notes now.

TW: violence, implied drug use, strong language, blood

***

Ris wandered absently down the winding little path. It wasn't one he went down often but he had ventured down it a couple of times. He had seen the girl that lived in the house around the bend.

She was quiet and usually kept to herself but she was nice to him. On the rare occasion that he found himself on the path, he'd drop by to see how she was doing. It seemed like no one else cared to.

He remembered when he first met her. He had never seen someone so broken. She had lost her husband and it had nearly destroyed her. She shut most everyone out after that, but somehow she found it in herself to still be kind to him.

Really, it was a testament to the type of person she was. She had a big heart- sometimes maybe too big.

Nico, Miri and even Dawn were busy and he was bored so he decided to drop by and say hello to her since she had gotten back into Alnwick. His ears perked as he got closer.

He could hear something, but he couldn't tell what it was. He stopped dead when he rounded the bend.

The girl sat on her knees looking at her home. The door was wide open and he could tell that it had been cleaned out.

She was crying, shaking violently, her chest heaving as she tried desperately to draw in breath that never seemed to quite fill her lungs.

At first he thought she had been attacked and he ran over to her. When she looked up at him, his heart shattered for her. Tears stained her cheeks, her brown eyes filled with an indescribable pain.

"Ris," she whimpered pitifully through tears and gasps. "I… I can't breathe."

She was clearly hyperventilating and he could tell she was on the verge of blacking out if he didn't do something. She was still trying to stammer something but he reached out to her, his voice calm in spite of his anger.

"I need you to try to breathe with me, ok?" He said softly, his hand guiding her into a gentle hug.

She nodded.

It took several minutes, but she began to calm down. Then the tears came again with renewed vigor and she curled in on herself, her hands pushing through her hair.

"They… they took everything. Ris… they took everything I had- everything. How could…? I… I don't understand." She looked up again briefly.

She reminded him of when they first met. Broken, hurting and on the verge of shutting down and walking away from it all. She had been beat down mentally enough as it was but life still had a few punches to throw her way.

He pulled her back into a hug. He was violently angry, but he hid it for the moment.

Calm her down first, he thought to himself.

She didn't pull away. She just buried her face in his shoulder and cried and he held her until she let go.

At least she doesn't think I did it.

"What happened?" He finally asked.

Another wave of tears. "They… they took it all. All of the gifts we gave each other, everything we shared… if it wasn't nailed down, they took it. They even took my appliances."

She buried her face in her hands, sobbing pathetically. The sight made it difficult for him to control the fury. His ears laid flat against his skull in spite of his effort to control it, and his tail flicked about wildly.

"Any idea who did it?"

Ris didn't expect her to know, but her answer floored him. "My brother and his girlfriend," she wailed.

They had to know how much those mementos meant to her- that each one of them held a part of him within them. That they could do that to family was bad enough, but she had been through so much already- more than anyone their age should have to experience.

The only sounds for a long moment were her quiet sobs. He wanted to get her things back, but moreover, he wanted them to suffer. She didn't deserve this.

His voice was soft and he held out his hand. "I… don't think you should be alone. Can I take ya to a friend's house?"

She withdrew slightly. She had confessed once that people made her uneasy. She said her husband had been her confidence and now that he was gone, people scared the hell out of her.

"Most people only care if they can get something from you."

***

It had taken him a while to convince her to go with him but she now trailed behind him, her eyes glued to the ground. She fidgeted with the sleeves on her shirt and tried to stifle the flow of tears. They would ease for a moment only to trickle down her cheeks again.

He knocked on the door uncharacteristically and waited. Dawn came to the door and he could see Nico and Miri inside too.

Dawn started to say something but then her eyes fell on the newcomer at the same time as Nico's.

"WHAT DID YOU DO, RIS?" she and Dawn demanded simultaneously.

"It wasn't me," he replied dryly. "This is Sam. Sam, this is Dawn, Nico and the grouchy elf over there is Miri."

She waved meekly and sank back behind him. Dawn looked at Ris one more time and then her eyes took in Sam. She was unremarkable looking. She had on pants and a long-sleeved shirt. She was pale, had long brown-red hair below her waist and brown eyes full of pain.

"Are you ok?" She asked softly.

Sam nodded and Ris cut in. "No she isn't."

She winced. He wasn't wrong but she didn't want to bother these people with her problems. She didn't want to burden anyone.

Dawn stepped to the side and let him guide her in. She stayed behind him as best she could. She could feel their eyes on her, and their concern.

Sam fought against a new wave of tears and the shock that had settled on her slipped away. She fell back against the door jamb and slid down to the floor and a new flood of pain and anxiety washed over her like a crashing tide.

She couldn't control it- the pain, the fear, grief and anxiety. She was losing him all over again. She tried to drag a full breath into her lungs but it was like her lungs wouldn't expand to allow it.

Instinctively Ris started to move towards her but Dawn beat him to it. Her voice was soft, gentle and soothing as she knelt down in front of her.

As Dawn guided her through the panic attack, Nico and Miri each grabbed one of Ris' arms and dragged him outside.

"Alright, fur ball, what happened? Who is she?"

"She lives on that pretty little path east of town." Ris said quietly, his voice dangerously calm. "I stop by and say hello to her every once in a while."

Nico and Miri shared a look and Ris sighed in frustration. "Not like that. She… she doesn't have anyone else. She doesn't bother anyone."

"So why is she so upset?"

He looked at Nico, his ears flicking. "Someone broke into her house while she was out of town. They've taken everything from her."

"Says the thief…"

He glared daggers at the elf. "I steal from assholes. I wouldn't take things from someone like her. She's been through enough."

"They're just things," Nico offered. "At least she wasn't there when it happened."

He shook his head and his ears drooped. "You don't understand. Those things they took… they were the last pieces she had of her husband. They held cherished memories she can never have again. She's lost enough."

"Does she know who did it?"

Ris nodded, golden eyes flashing with anger. "Her own brother did it."

Nico and Miri both must have sensed the same thing. Ris knew the fences in town- knew how to find stolen goods. He also knew how to find who sold them.

"You get into enough trouble, fur ball." Miri said quietly. "You don't need to add reasons for the paladins to hunt you down."

"She's right, Ris. Please don't be reckless." Nico stepped forward and laid her forehead against his shoulder.

His eyes softened as he looked down at her and he reached up, gently scratching between her ears like one would a house cat. He had made his mind up though.

"I guess I shouldn't get caught then, huh?" He said coldly.

Both of them looked at him but the look in those golden orbs told them all they needed to know. Ris wouldn't be swayed this time, regardless of what they said to him. The girl's brother was going to suffer for what he had done.

"Please keep an eye on her. I'm worried about her."

He brushed his fingers through Nico's hair one more time, stepped inside to speak briefly to Sam and then disappeared. He knew Sam was safe with the three of them.

***

Night in Alnwick was always quiet. The paladins had set a curfew and most people were too afraid to break it. Ris wasn't most people.

He slipped through the back alleyways like a pro, slinking around like the cat he was. Tonight he was a tiger on the prowl and he had prey on the mind. First he had to find them.

The first fence didn't have any information for him, but the second had a name and an area. It was a start.

The part of town he was directed to was a garbage heap. It was the part that everyone in Alnwick pretended didn't exist. Drug dealers, prostitutes and addicts lingered everywhere, lurking in the shadows just out of sight of the paladins. It was the part of town that even he wouldn't normally be caught dead in.

The faint, sickening light from a streetlamp reflected green in his golden, feline eyes- the only real indication he was there. It must've caught someone's attention.

"Hey babe. Yer new 'round here. What're ya looking for?"

The voice was honied, sickeningly so. His ears laid flat in irritation. "I'm looking for someone." He snapped.

She reached up and started to run a hand down his chest. He caught her by the wrist and shoved it away.

"Don't be like that baby. I can be whoever ya want me ta be."

His stomach turned in disgust and he leaned down by her ear. His voice was almost too quiet, the hours that had passed only serving to make him angrier the more he thought about the poor girl who had lost everything.

"Even I have standards… and you don't want to be the person I'm lookin' for."

His dangerous tone, or his words must've struck a chord with her. She backed away and he grinned, humorless and cold, flashing his small fangs.

***

The next hour was quiet, but he remained in the shadow, his eyes watching the house like a hawk. There were only two real reasons why people came here with money and people didn't steal that much to buy sex, so he wagered drugs were the likely scenario. This house, in particular - if you were to generously deign to call it that- seemed the most busy.

People had been in and out all night but none matched the description he'd been given of the person who was supposed to be her brother so far. He was about to give up and check elsewhere when two shifty characters- one male and one female- started up to the door.

Bingo.

"Hey," he called, stepping out from the shadows.

"Hey, man. What's up?" The male replied, walking towards him.

His stomach turned again. The guy was smiling. He was perfectly content in destroying his little sister- in taking everything from her. He was completely ok with everything he had done.

"Are you Chris?" Ris asked, trying in vain to keep his tone in check and keep his body language cordial.

"Yeah, why?"

That was all he needed to hear. He didn't answer. He walked up to him and before the bastard could even register the change in Ris' demeanor he laid him out with a punch.

He got up and squared up to Ris and an almost sadistic smile played across Ris' lips. He had hoped he'd try. One punch had left him with a busted lip and his blood trickled down the guard over Ris' knuckles.

He tried to throw a punch at Ris, but Ris was faster. He dodged with little effort, caught his arm like Nico had shown him and bounced his face off the pavement. He twisted his arm up just to the point that it might break, planted his knee in Chris' back and leaned down.

"You're a piece of shit. What kind of brother takes from his little sister? Hasn't she lost enough?"

His voice came out a feral growl while he struggled beneath the hold Ris had on his arm.

By this time the girl had run up, screeching at him to let go. She was throwing curses and threats at him and he ignored her until she started to reach for him. He turned only slightly, a deadly glint in his eyes.

"I won't normally lay a hand on a woman but for you I'll make an exception," he warned, twisting the arm in his grasp until he felt it dislocate from the strain on the joint.

He stood up and she must've seen the thin line she was on. She wanted to attack him but some fragment of common sense in her drug addled brain must've gotten through to her. When she backed off, he kicked Chris over on his back.

"Stand the fuck up," he ordered. "After what you did, you don't get off that easy. Stand the fuck up and take it like a man or lay there and take it like the coward you are. Either way, I am not. Done. Yet."

***

It was near sunrise when Ris finally got back. He climbed in the window as always, expecting to see everyone asleep. The lamp was still on, though and his friends sat at the table waiting. Meanwhile Sam remained huddled where he had left her, trying to be as small as possible.

Miri's eyes immediately went to the blood on the guards. They gleamed with a fresh coat of crimson and some covered his fingers as well. Nico spied it as well. They both looked up questioningly but he shook his head.

Sam didn't look up and for a minute he thought she had fallen asleep but a soft sniffle told him otherwise. Again his heart broke looking at the poor girl.

He hopped down from the sil and glanced at the others before he approached her and knelt down. In his hand was a small, gold colored box with three triangles on it and a name engraved on the top.

She looked up as he held it out to her. "I'm still trying to find the rest," her offered quietly, apologetically. "I found this though."

A fresh wave of tears spilled unhindered down her cheeks and she reached out a shaking hand. Taking the box, she held it close to her chest and cried, whimpering a pitiful thank you.

"I got this for him," she managed through sobs. "It was one of his most prized possessions."

"I doubt he cherished it nearly as much as he did you," he said softly.

"Thank you."

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randomnumbers751650 · 5 years

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So, I'm writing this because I'm trying to understand psychological horror, focusing on two animes from last year: Angels of Death and Happy Sugar Life. I wanted to write this because I got inspired by discussions on the Netflix's Ted Bundy show, Explanation Point's video on HSL (which made me watch it), and because I made the mistake of reading AoD's prequel manga Episode 0. Spoilers abound.

Due to way I was raised, I have difficulty in understanding stories that villains are the protagonists. Why would anyone cheer for them? Sure, there are many logical arguments, like the attempt to understand how his mind works and the cathartic feeling of being able to do feelings you know you'd be wrong. I have a RP blog and I once talked to with a friend on trying to understand how musing an utterly despicable muse could be so cathartic and she wondered if it's because it allows her to vent her stress and negative feelings on fictional characters, instead of real people. Logically, it makes sense, but I still feel odd about it.

I first watched Angels of Death because I really enjoyed the portrayal one of my best friends in the RPC had of the protagonist, Rachel Gardner. I honestly think it was a well-written anime, Rachel telling Zack that they weren't tools and the climax with the building on fire were my favorite moments. AoD also had a great advantage because it was self-aware, the banter between Rachel and Zack was pretty hilarious, and Cathy and Danny were also evilly funny. I always wondered how AoD managed to get to be an anime and Ib not...

Also, another thing that AoD makes sure to show is that every single named member of the cast is a murderer, and the man behind everything judges himself God for the sake of an experiment. It shows Zack murdering people in flashbacks and enjoying every single minute of it. In fact, the biggest plot twist is that the apparently innocent Rachel is probably the most dangerous murderer of them, the moment when she tries to kill Zack in her floor was a moment that actually got me on the edge of my seat (said event was properly foreshadowed).

When I say all characters of AoD are well-written, I say this in a "technical" sense - given their backstories, they act in a way consistent to what they are. Zack had a really crappy childhood and turned into a murderer; Danny was bullied and indirectly caused his mother's suicide; Cathy is subconsciously guided by a desire to punish sinners that caused her parents' death; Eddie was rejected so hard that he saw killing what he liked as the only way to preserve; and Rachel also had a crappy childhood, but parents who hated each other and killing her father in self-defense just broke her, her emotionless insanity is what guides her death wish (funnily enough, it doesn't seem that Gray has anything but a god complex). In other words, while they might be nearly a caricature, they still show to act on motives that make sense for them.

The question that guides the series is "what does it mean to be human?" In the end, we all want to avoid loneliness, as Gray says to Danny while the building explodes. Danny had a really pathetic death - he was a "love to hate" villain, even if he had a childhood excuse, nowhere implies that we should sympathize with him, on the contrary, he's one of the creepiest waste of air type of characters - if we showed his portrait in the game, one could put a sub "Most Likely to be a Pedophile").

But then I decided to read the prequel manga. I hated it. A lot. The characters are nothing but violent dicks to each other, in a grand scheme to get the role of "angel" in Gray's experiment (I used to muse Dr. Danny in my RP blog, it was fun to protray him as a pathetic peepermaniac, but I lost my drive after it). It doesn't try to be nuanced or anything else, but I guess if the objective was to remind us that the characters were murderous scum, it succeeded. The effect was so bad on me, that made me question the entire point of AoD itself.

I thought about this for a while. In Aod, we're basically siding with two murderers and Zack's popularity is immense, he's a Chad of murderers. The question is why?

It would be easy to dismiss his popularity as an example of the "bad boy fantasy", mostly associated with women who latches on a "bad boy" type in hopes of "fixing him", but that alone is insufficient to explain (and although it's usually recognized as a 'feminine fantasy', I want to avoid any implication of sexism, even though I don’t doubt this has been discussed in woman’s studies).

At point a friend of mine linked me Explanation Point's video on Happy Sugar Life. Why is Satou, a murderer and near pedophile (near pedophile because she doesn't engage in actual sexual activities with Shio, but it's not less disturbing), a sympathetic character? I won't recap the entire video here, but Satou is sympathetic because of many factors, such as the fact almost everyone around her is worse (arrogant rapist manager, sadomasochist actual ebebophile Danny's long lost brother, lolicon, an actual succubus in human form, obssessed copycat stalker, mad artist - the only developed characters that save themselves are Shoko and Asahi (and not 100% in his case, his determination was his downfall) - I honestly dislike Shio because she's annoying), had a crappy childhood, and that she seems sincere in her feelings for Shio.

The issue, in the end, it's about the way it's framed. Lindsay Ellis has a pretty good video on framing, on explaining how Mikaela actually had potential to be a well-written character in the first Michael Bay’s Transformers movie, but it was ruined by the way she was framed - as mere fanservice, instead of a strong character. The same principle applies to Happy Sugar Life, just pay attention to the way Satou is framed, as a strong character, in “pure” love, flowers appears on the screen when she’s thinking of Shio.

Framing is one reason why HSL failed or, at least, lost a part of its power as a cautionary tale. In the last episode, the way her imagination exploded with images of what her happy life with Shio could be, sprinkled by sappy imagery. Even if Satou killed herself to save Shio as a way to defy her aunt, it still gives a mixed message.

If we apply EP’s argument on Satou to Zack, I think we have even better “case” for Zack. Let’s count the reasons why one should sympathize with Zack:

Antagonists (Danny and Cathy) are worse people

Strong and powerful, to the point of turning into a shonen protagonist when cutting rocks in the last episode

Has a code of honor, only kills people who are laughing

Has standards, refuses to accept godhood from Rachel

Enjoys what he does, he’s probably the most sincere character of the cast

Has a twisted sense of humor

Has a sad backstory, that offered the chance of following another path (but the old man died)

Recognizes he’s messed up

Ridiculously loyal to Ray in the end

We never get to see the PoV of his victims and when we do, the frame actually makes Zack sympathetic - for example, the woman in his flashback, we see her lying to him and him killing her for it - it’s a bad thing, but the scene is framed in a way that Zack is the offended party (it was his PoV anyway)

He’s hot - granted this only works for the anime, because in the game he was some sort of tall mummy gremlin

As another friend of mine said, when I brought this to her, in the end you’re kind of cheering for them to escape police and continue murdering others. And, in the end, they do get away - Zack (and Ray, to some extent) is never punished for his crimes, even though the ending is ambiguous most people believe they escaped anyway.

In HSL we have a similar situation: even though Satou killed herself, Shio is still irreparably damaged, preferring to live her “happy sugar life” in her head than the real world. In fact, HSL’s ending is one of the most hopeless that I’ve ever seen recently, that the entire surviving cast is apparently beyond repair (as worse as Shio worse is Taiyo - it’s quite rare to portray female on male abuse on such a realistic way, any other anime would make a semi-hentai scenario on him, but here, I wouldn’t be surprise if he died starving himself to death in his room). HSL’s ending managed to be much more hopeless than AoD’s ending.

But, returning to Zack, the way his story is framed makes him a sympathetic character. However, while I argue that Zack is a well-written character, he’s not a very realistic one for one simple reason: he’s too conspicuous to be a successful serial killer, he’s too loud and messy; actual serial killers are methodic people, they plan a lot to not leave clues. Meanwhile, Zack is dumb as a rock, which might add him being an escapist character another trait of him.

And that’s where the comparison with Ted Bundy enters. It might be a stretch comparing a fictional character with a real person, but I still think it has some merit. While I haven’t seen the Netflix series, I read the debate on whether it glorifies Bundy or not. Basically the way the series frames Bundy is an argument for the glorification, but the interview with the victims who escaped him and loved ones of his victims is an argument against it. But the fact remains that both have their fans.

If we criticize Bundy’s fans for not noticing how much of a pathetic and deranged person he actually was, why can’t we do the same for Zack’s fans? Well the fact that one is real and the other fictional might be one reason, and being fictional he acts as an outlet for our own frustrations and tendencies just as I discussed with my friend above, but I feel that alone is insufficient, there must be a further reason... but I can’t think of anything else. Otherwise an argument has the danger of turning into the fallacy “videogames make kids violent” sort of thing.

One thing that has to consider is that both AoD and HSL are psychological thriller/horror series. If Zack, Ray and Satou got caught, the shows would be lesser works of art, because one function of psychological horror is to challenge our perceptions of justice.

Horror challenges our perceptions of safety and we are used to the bad guys being punished in the end, it’s a safe assumption. Instead, in horror, the bad guys get away and might be sympathetic, making us sympathetic to their getaway. It’s horror in the sense our own safe perceptions of morality and justice are twisted upside down.

I could go on and approach the thorny question of whether AoD glorifies murderers and HSL glorifies yanderes with children, but this essay is already getting too big, so I leave it for another occasion.

#satsuriku no tenshi #happy sugar life #psychological horror #explanation point #more to the ted bundy debate

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maxtothemax · 5 years

Text

I finished the essay, here it is!!

I have a love-hate relationship with James Patterson’s Maximum Ride series. On one hand, these books have captivated and inspired me since age 11 and hold a special place in my heart. On the other hand, by age 13 I noticed where the series lacked depth in both the writing and the storyline—which is to say almost everywhere. The story caught me with its concept of winged children fighting against the lab that created them, but disappointed me with the quality of writing and the nonsensical plot.

Still, I never let go of it. Throughout my pre-teen years, I often carried the books with me to school and family gatherings, to reread in case I got bored. I convinced my friends to read it, but they never got quite as into it as I did. Over time, they grew out of it. So, as a freshman in high school, I turned to the internet to vent my obsession. I made online friends who felt the same way I did. Some of them said they wanted a better, more fleshed-out version of the series.

I got an idea.

I took my well-loved copy of the first Maximum Ride book and annotated it in pencil, pointing out underdeveloped characters and plot points—and making snarky comments in the margins, for my own entertainment. However, I became preoccupied with actual responsibilities, and Maximum Ride fell to the sidelines for a while. I kept it in the back of my mind, letting my ideas simmer until I had time to dedicate to them.

During the spring of my junior year, I came back to the project. I reread and annotated the first three books—widely regarded by the Maximum Ride fan base as the only part of the series worth reading. Around the same time, I created a fan blog to properly catalogue my grievances with the books. The fandom has been dormant for years, so I thought I would merely be shouting into the void. Within a few months, though, I had gained over a hundred followers, many of whom wholeheartedly supported my rewrite of the series.

I struggled with figuring out how to rewrite it, though, working within the constraints of the original characters. Of course I love them, even after all these years, but the main cast consists of six kids, an unwieldy amount for a writer to deal with. I stressed over which ones to keep, and how to develop them further from the growth they experienced in the books.

But then, after all this stress, I had an epiphany: I could do whatever I wanted. Yes, the concept I originally implied was a simple rewrite of the series, but why not change it up a little?

Once I’d finalized the details, I wrote the first chapter, featuring winged characters of my own creation. I posted it online, not expecting much feedback—but within a day, it had seven likes and four comments. Complete strangers took the time to say how much they liked it and that they hoped I would post more.

For all my frustrations with it, I still love Maximum Ride—if not for its content, then for giving me a community and inspiring me to write a story I can be proud of. I’ve complained about the quality of the books, but really, I wouldn’t want them any other way.

I lied, I still want James Patterson to pay for his writing sins, but it’s a good essay, right?

#they speak #my college essay #lmao #maximum ride #gay birds: a maximum ride rewrite

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apathycares · 5 years

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Do you have any tips on starting a blog like yours? Mine just isn’t catching on ;-;

Hi there anon. I hope you’re feeling good. Don’t worry about catching on as you say too much, oftentimes it’s not you or your content.

Let me explain.

When I was younger and first got into fanfiction, it took me about three years to muster up the courage to try my hand in writing some myself. It wasn’t really courage to be honest, more like venting my anger in a healthier (?) way rather than blowing up on people. Of course, fourteen year old me chose to go down the Naruto road. I created what I thought to be a bomb OC, typed up my fic and posted it on ffnet and wattpad. I spent hours refreshing the page, spent days obsessing over revising my OC, wondered why my story hadn’t blown up yet. And I don’t mean blown up like a thousand likes blown up, because I was realistic enough to know that wouldn’t be happening any time soon, more like at least five people who thought it was worth it. Because I was frustrated and beginning not to.

I realized a few years down the road that it wasn’t really me, it was just that the popularity of the anime and the Naruto fandom itself was slowly dying out as the manga was drawing to its conclusion. It wasn’t me because OCs in fanfics weren’t really popular at that time. It wasn’t me because certain sites weren’t known for certain fandoms.

Of course I wasn’t so experienced and I kept publishing a billion other works and kept moving from site to site and that was all my fault but ignore all that. We’re trying to lift spirits here.

My point is, hope is not lost. Here are a few suggestions you can try that I found worked well enough for me.

1. Start off with a character that you know for a fact you can do justice.

Let’s be honest. Some characters are more popular than others, so the seemingly smart choice would be to go for a more popular character, right? True, but if you’ve thought of this, chances are others have too, and who’s to say you could write said popular well enough to be received as well (or better) than the others? I hate uncertainties like that, so I always start off with someone I know I can do ideally.

If it just so happens to be a popular character, go for it.

2. Choose your tags wisely.

I’m going to make a completely undramatic confession. I’ve tried Tumblr three times before I got to this blog. Two of those times failed before I realized I never really gave much thought to tags. I’d put about five or six and shrug like “‘Kay cool” and post it, then sit there a month later wondering why I didn’t get a single interaction. Tags are your friends. I’m kinda extreme, so I’d go dive into the fandom and read up on fics similar to the ones I’m going for, see what common tags they have and go the extra mile and add a few more just in case. Use up all thirty tags shamelessly.

You can check out any one of the four (lol that’s sad) posts I made and get a good laugh at how extreme I am.

3. Consider the fandom you are going into.

Like I said in my bs up there, I went into the Naruto fandom whilst it was losing fanfiction cred. Maybe people at that time preferred to read it and not give any likes or reviews and I never liked to demand them, but consider the demographic you’re going for. A while and a half after Naruto, I decided to do an Attack on Titan fic right when season three was a few episodes in, and surprisingly enough (for me at that time) I’d received followers and reviews a half hour after I published it. So that kinda confirmed my theory.

I’m not saying drop out of the fandom you’re interested in just because it’s been dead for years. I’m saying consider this as a possible reason, and decide on whether or not you’ll be okay with that. In the end, there’s always that one person who wants a galactic mermaid invading your kitchen AU and would be happy to indulge in your blog. So if you feel like a particular fandom is lacking something you can give, or you want to mess around and have fun with it, or you want a safe little haven for your passions, do it. Do it and experiment and be patient. Six years later I’m still refreshing pages and checking a billion times if I got an ask or something. No shame in that.

4. Develop a style that’s uniquely you.

Most prompts have been overdone. The good girl/bad boy thing? The took-a-bullet-for-you-and-is-now-dying significant other? It’s all been done before. But why are we writing or requesting these despite it, and why do we and our readers enjoy it? It’s because most writers have their own way of portraying a prompt that’s special to them. No one wants to read the same thing worded differently. We want to see how you’d interpret it. So taking advantage of that, if you don’t have a particular style you lean towards, experiment and find out. Don’t be afraid of trying new things and messing up. It took me ages to get to the current take I have on writing (slightly comedic, a little more realistic, carefully worded to end in a way that wraps it up but leaves the door open for a follow up).

Don’t be afraid to turn that bad boy/good girl trope into a secretly bad boy/secretly good girl with them getting all Hannah Montana with it.

5. Be consistent enough.

I’m not going to leave it as just “be consistent”, because that would imply you don’t have a life in the sense that nothing could take you off your consistency. I’m not saying you should sit there, breathing on your device, and as soon as you get a request or an ask (or an epiphany) you jump out and start typing furiously to meet it. But I am saying that we all like seeing our requests answered and our favourite fics updated regularly enough. Unless you specify a time frame in which people could expect you to update (which in my case, I avoid because I don’t like that pressure), usually, people would begin to lose interest after a week. Therefore, just when you’re starting out, I’d say update regularly. After that, update it as frequently as you can.

Don’t feel bad if you miss a week. Or two. Or a month. Or a year.

But don’t feel annoyed when your numbers decline either.

And that concludes my tips on how to get your blog going!

Of course, all of this could be moot if you’re talking about a different type of blog. If that’s the case, feel free to send as many asks as you want, or you can message me directly and I’ll be happy to help. Maybe we’re into the same stuff and help each other grow.

Thank you for reaching out, and I truly hope you get the type of success you’re looking for.

#apathycarestospeak #blog tips #fanfiction blog #anime fanfiction

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covered-in-ash-archive · 7 years

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eddie is horribly abusive and y’all need to be aware of him

i really did not want to have to resort to this. i fully intended to not call eddie out and just let this die off. since it hasn’t, multiple friends have convinced me to come forward with the abuse, stalking, harassment, manipulation, gaslighting, misgendering, etc i have been subjected to at the hands of eddie over the past week+. i haven’t used tumblr in... ages, so i’ve completely forgotten how to use coding in tumblr posts. sorry in advance for that. this is going to be both a call out and a “hey, this is what really went down” type of thing.

before i hop into covering the hot garbage that has been happening, here’s is where to find eddie. i fully encourage everyone to block him and warn others. he has been getting away with abusing people for years.

his twitter: https://twitter.com/mrgluskin

his horror blog: https://outlastwikia.tumblr.com/

if anyone knows the url for his main blog, please let me know.

update: been told his main blog is gluskin. i have not confirmed it for myself because i simply want nothing to do with eddie.

this is going to be long, sorry. tw for... pretty much everything. reblogs are encouraged and appreciated. let’s expose this abuser before he can abuse anyone else.

alright. for background’s sake, eddie followed me on twitter because we had a mutual friend, catherine. right off the bat, he bombed me with positive attention, liking all of my tweets, complimenting me, etc. a friend has since pointed out that abusers often do this before abusing their victims. i just figured he was a friendly guy and didn’t think anything of it. catherine and i had a falling out because she kept frequently using the r slur, despite not being autistic, and it was really making me, an autistic person, feel extremely uncomfortable (this is a whole different can of worms, though. catherine has also been outed as an abuser and a suicide baiter). disgruntled by the situation, i posted this to vent my frustration.

this is my personal opinion on the issue, as an autistic person with autistic friends and family, all who agree with my stance. i’m not here to debate this. i want this to focus on eddie and not get derailed.

eddie absolutely flipped his shit at me. he claimed that since he has adhd (which he went on to say is EXACTLY LIKE AUTISM... not even gonna bother to explain how wrong that is. i have both. i should know) he is entitled to use that slur, my feelings be damned. he said that me saying he should not use the r slur erases the ableism people with adhd face. again, this is... not how it works. i wish i had grabbed screencaps because it seems that his tweets have been deleted. all i have is my side of the conversation, where you can see that i was perfectly calm and polite.

i ended things by explaining that i could agree to disagree for the sake of our friendship & that as long as he didn’t use the slur around me i would be fine. he stopped replying to the thread after that.

a while later, i received this message from eddie.

i’m going to point out real quick that the last time i posted to twitter about my makeup was months ago. eddie could only know this if he dug through MONTHS worth of tweets. this was where his stalking began. he went through hundreds upon hundreds of tweets looking for any tiny thing he could use to attack me over. he was actively looking for conflict & things to be mad about. he needed something to demonize me over, because “they asked me to not say r*tard” is obviously going to make him look bad if he cites that as his reason why he has beef with me. we discussed jeffree star briefly & then he blocked me. i wrongly assumed that was going to be the end of it.

i noticed that, during all of this eddie/catherine drama, someone had stolen my url. i thought it was petty/funny, and posted this to twitter. this is the only thing i said about the url. this is literally it. i did not and have not accused anyone of stealing it. i honestly don’t care because i very rarely am on tumblr nowadays.

i’m not sure of exactly what happened, but i’m assuming either catherine told eddie i had said it was him, or eddie somehow convinced himself of it. eddie unblocked me instantly and sent this.

he reblocked me after this. at that point, i consider it harassment.

as i’m combing through his twitter for all of this shit he did to me, i just now saw that he posted screenshots of our conversations in an attempt to turn people against me, while omitting that this whole thing began because he wanted to use SLURS. he posted a handful of tweets gossiping about me.. he has been attempting to paint me as a racist transphobe and he has been telling everyone i accused him of stealing my url, even though i told him i hadn’t accused anyone.

a mutual friend of ours (who has since ditched him) then contacted me saying eddie was posting screenshots of my social media while shit talking me.

the green thing is a screenshot of my listography. i don’t like or associate with q*eer because it’s a slur. i’ve been distancing myself from the lgbt community as of late due to the influx of rape threats, misgendering, harassment, racism, and overall nastiness i’ve been dealing with from lgbt people. i shouldn’t have to justify this. i have my reasons. this is, again, eddie grasping for anything he can use against me.

because liking problematic things makes someone a bad person, amiright? it’s not like i’m an adult who can recognize when something is problematic & still have the capacity to enjoy aspects of it. to put into perspective... eddie is vocally kin with a serial killer from a game that demonizes mentally ill people. he has no room to talk.

this whole time, eddie has been telling people that he cut me off as a friend over me owning jeffree star makeup and was incessantly trashing my name publicly while spreading lies about me. we have mutual followers, so i posted this, trying to keep his name out of things in an attempt to not escalate the drama.

eddie continues to vague and obsess. meanwhile, i’m trying to move on with my life.

not wanting to be associated with a community that treats me poorly doesn’t mean i suddenly don’t face the same struggles as them or can’t have an opinion on the issues i face, just so you know.

at this point, i sent him a message politely asking him to stop talking about me all over his twitter and to move on with his life. he deleted the response but the preview is still on his twitter.

here he is, again, lying about me. i have not contacted a single one of his friends once. i have harassed no one. i haven’t even spoken with catherine since this all began.

anyway.

1) i’m 22 but that’s irrelevant

2) anyone else think him calling my friend ‘babe’ is kind of creepy? just saying

eddie began implying if not outright saying that i’m abusive. he posted this while talking about me. he was “confronting” me at the time so... who else could it possibly be about?

i tweeted these in response, because i take abuse allegations extremely seriously. as an abuse survivor, i do not appreciate even having it be IMPLIED that i am abusive.

after posting these, i hopped in the shower. eddie proceeds to have a meltdown. he had me blocked but i had not blocked him. at this point, i had blocked our mutuals. the only way he could have seen these tweets was by refreshing my twitter over and over again, waiting for me to say something about him/the situation. eddie unblocked me & quoted my tweets with this.

i haven’t lied about anything, as my screencaps illustrate. he just wants to be absolved of any responsibility. i also did not “throw a fit” - i very politely requested that he stop gossiping about me publicly. he also messaged me around the time he quoted my tweets.

again, have not lied about anything. he attempted to gaslight me by saying he was actually calling jeffree star abusive, which is absolutely not what he did. check the screencaps.

i was tired of being nice to the person who had so far harassed and stalked me, lied about me, and attempted to gaslight me.

*drops this here*

well i mean, at least he admits he’s been harassing me?

this tweet below was confirmed about me. in it, he calls me a trans man. i have explicitly stated many times that i am not a trans man. i am nonbinary. i have told my twitter following countless times that calling me a man is misgendering. it is in my bio.

@ranunculae aka fawn reached out to me late at night on the 21st. we had a 5+ hour long conversation in which they explained to me that eddie had abused them and has spent the past 2 years harassing and stalking them like he was doing to me. eddie and catherine had teamed up and suicide baited fawn until fawn had to go inpatient. eddie and catherine have been attempting to socially isolate fawn for 2 years now by spreading lies and doctored screencaps in a sketchy “call out”. you can read fawn’s statements here.

https://ranunculae.tumblr.com/post/166659734265/i-never-abused-eddie/amp

https://ranunculae.tumblr.com/post/166779554950/ranunculae-ranunculae-keythecoward

the 2nd link includes a conversation in which a minor talks about eddie grooming him and attempting to be sexual with him.

i’m going to post some things that fawn sent to me over chat just because they’re semi-relevant.

my irl best friend, cat, was close friends with catherine. fawn and i felt that cat needed to know that catherine was involved in suicide baiting and abusing fawn with eddie. so, we approached cat about it and fawn explained their entire side of things to cat.

eddie, through his relentless stalking of me, noticed we were all in contact.

i want to clarify that fawn/katie has not been on his twitter once throughout all of this. fawn’s boyfriend periodically checks eddie’s twitter to see if he’s still stalking and obsessing over fawn. fawn’s boyfriend saw eddie harassing me, and he let fawn know that eddie had picked a new target to abuse. then fawn contacted me. it literally is a smear campaign. and fawn said the smear campaign was against ME, not them, even though eddie has been posting libel about fawn for years.

1) actual minors have come to me and fawn to tell us about eddie preying on them and grooming them

2) this was a response to cat taking mine and fawn’s sides

3) eddie called cat a ‘cuntbag’, which is misogynistic

4) these ‘victims’ have not come forward because they don’t EXIST. meanwhile, i am nearly the 30th victim of eddie’s that has ACTUALLY COME FORWARD.

eddie attempting to guilt trip and manipulate cat, a csa/incest survivor, for siding with fawn.

again, more lying about me. as you can clearly see, i never threw a fit. i have been calm during this entire ordeal. also... this is, once again, him trying to divert attention away from what really started this; his NEED to use the r slur around someone who is uncomfortable with it.

cyberfuneral = cat’s twitter handle

cat sent me screenshots. eddie does not have her blocked. this is, again, lies and manipulation. if it looks like we’re sneaking around a block, then we’re obviously the bad guys, right?

when cat confronted catherine about eddie calling her misogynistic insults, eddie lied to catherine and claimed he never called cat a cunt. he didn’t even bother to delete the tweets to hide his lies.

scroll up to see him calling me a man, which i am not, thus it was misgendering. also, childish insults.

this is referring to something i added at the bottom of my listography. i’d like to point out that he posted this within minutes of me updating my listography. further stalking right there.

this is what my listography currently says. it is a temporary placeholder in lieu of an actual call out. it will be replaced or updated with the link to this post after it is published. you wanted the screencaps posted, eddie, so you’re getting your wish.

i can only imagine what filth eddie is saying on his locked personal twitter. i think i’d rather not know, though.

it has been more than an entire week of stalking, harassment, gaslighting, manipulation, lying, smear campaigns, misgendering, misogyny, etc etc from eddie. he is awful. he is abusive and a manipulator. do not befriend him. the second you upset him, he will turn on you and treat you like he has countless others. i am just one victim out of many. stay away. block him. spread this to warn people.

@eddieabuser2

#outlastwikia #ranunculae #avas demon #call out post #abuser call out #gluskin #gayfreddy #edgiegluskin #ptsdgluskin

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quiznakchronicle · 7 years

Text

Fandom event etiquette

Suggestions for both organizers and participants for a smooth and fun experience

Events are some of the most fun things in fandom. They bring people together for a common project, foster a great sense of community, and produce lots of amazing content for the fandom. As long as they’re run responsibly. As people who are quite active in the fandom events scene for the Voltron fandom a few things have been brought to our attention recently and we’d like to address them. Sheer event volume, poor management, and disorganized events are starting to turn people off from signing up/participating, and it’s really upsetting to see these things that are supposed to be fun turning into sources of stress and anxiety instead

Please know that this isn’t about pointing fingers at any single event or individual, rather this is advice we’d like to share based on our experience as both event organizers and participants. We welcome comments and further discussion, but if you’d like to add to this post please don’t namedrop any people or events. Don’t turn this post into a call-out, that’s not what it’s about. Finally, this post is written specifically about the Voltron fandom, but I’m sure it could apply to pretty much any fandom, so anyone who finds it useful feel free to reblog!

- @ace-pidge and @bosstoaster

Organizers

Check the state of the fandom before starting a new event. This is absolutely crucial. For the Voltron fandom, I maintain an entire set of calendars with the schedules of all ongoing and upcoming events, please take advantage of it. Your idea is probably super cool! But if there are already a couple dozen other projects going on it may be wise to hold off on it. If you’re worried about someone else coming along and stealing your idea, you can make a blog/post to signal your intent to run your event in the future, and wait a while for things to calm down a bit before actually running it. I’ve been getting many messages from people saying they feel burnt out or overwhelmed with the sheer number of events, and that’s not a situation anyone wants. [Edit (14/09): After hearing the thoughts of a Zine mod on this topic I now find this next statement unfair and in poor taste, as it lowkey implies (falsely) that Zine mods don’t know what they’re doing. I’ll leave my original comments in for posterity, but let it be known that really at this point my issue with Zines is more instances of lackluster management rather than Zine volume in itself. This is especially worrying for Zines, because actual money is involved. The market has been flooded with Zines over the summer, which results in fewer people buying them overall. Fandom people aren’t made of money, and it’s important to consider this when planning a Zine]

Make sure you’re able to commit entirely to the project, both time-wise and mentally/physically. Fandom events are BIG JOBS, especially the ones that span several months like Big Bangs and Zines. But even smaller events like Weeks or Exchanges require a certain amount of work put into them. That’s months of advertising, of making posts, of answering questions, of sorting people out and keeping tabs on them, of troubleshooting. Look at your school/work situation not just in the near future but also several months down the line: will you have the time to dedicate to this. Look at why you’re doing this event: are you just doing it because you want in on the fun. Look at your mental/physical health situation: will you have the capacity to see this through. If you know that given your history there’s a possibility something might happen that will prevent you from keeping on top of the project (like a depressive episode or a hospitalization) make sure to account for that (for example bring on a team of mods who will be able to carry on without you should you need to step back for a while)

Make sure your fellow mods are up to the task. Smaller events can be comfortably run by a single person, but bigger events like Zines and Big Bangs really should be run by at least 2 people, if not a team of 3-5*. This will ensure the workload is shared and there’s less chance of burning out before the project reaches completion. And they must all be people who are equally invested in the project. Having 1 very enthusiastic mod and 2 wishy-washy tag-along mods is a recipe for a project to fall apart

If your friend is asking you to co-mod an event with them and you’re not sure you can/want to commit to it, say no! Don’t feel like you have to accept just because it’s your friend asking. It’s better to be upfront and honest than to start something you won’t be able to finish

The above goes DOUBLE if you plan to run more than 1 event at a time. I’m not here to say you can’t run more than 1 event at the same time, but if you plan to do that you better make EXTRA sure you have the time and resources to commit to all of them

Get advice from someone who has run this kind of event in the past, especially if it’s your first time as an organizer. Talking to someone who has gone through this already will likely prove invaluable for running a smooth event and dealing with problems that may arise. Look through the notes on this post if you need to find someone to contact

Communication is key, be transparent! It is extremely important to stay in contact with your participants. This will both remind them that the event is ongoing (you’d be surprised how often people sign up for something then forget about it entirely) and show that you are responsible and on top of things. Also, don’t forget about your public page. With most events having dedicated Discord servers these days, it’s easy to forget about updating the event blog/Twitter page. Putting up a post every now and then to update the public on the event’s progress lets people know it’s not dead and keeps their interest up while your participants work behind the scenes

Stay on schedule, and if you can’t, let people know. Be clear and upfront about the event’s timeline and the different milestones, and if you can’t keep to the schedule say so. People will generally be very understanding. If you’re dealing with a Real Life situation, or if there are circumstances outside your control like printing/manufacturing delays on a Zine, tell your participants and your audience. This will avoid people getting disgruntled and frustrated and bitter because they feel left in the dark

If for whatever reason you can no longer see the project through, tell people instead of just disappearing off the face of the Earth. It’s really upsetting from a participant’s perspective to be left with no news for weeks or months on end without a clue what happened to the event. Sometimes things come up or stuff happens, it’s understandable, but if that’s the case you need to let people know. It may be very upsetting to make that post, but trust me, people will appreciate the knowing

Be VERY CAREFUL if you’re going to be handling money (as with Zines for example). Handling people’s money is a huge responsibility. If you’re going to be taking money you have to make sure you’re able to deliver on what you promised. The absolute worst time for a project to stall out is after preorders and before products are shipped out. If your project stalls at this stage and you don’t keep your buyers appraised of the situation you may get accused of scamming people or people may start demanding refunds, which is a mess no one wants to deal with

Don’t air your dirty laundry publicly. We get it, sometimes running an event is frustrating. Participants drop out, or disappear and can’t be contacted, or butt heads with you or each other. Don’t complain about it anywhere public; know that stuff you say will reflect on you as an organizer as well as on your event. Vent to friends or on private accounts if you must, but you want to appear professional and in control in public. If you appear messy, your event will also appear messy, and it may make people think twice about staying in it or participating in stuff you do in the future

Related: Try and keep your tone upbeat and positive and professional in your promo posts and answers to questions, even if you’re answering the same question for the umpteenth time. Giving off a frustrated or negative vibe may turn people off your event

If you’re a minor who wants to run an event make sure it’s appropriate for your age. Honestly, kudos to you if you’re 15-17 and running (or helping to run) an event, it’s great that you’re so involved! But for the love of all things good don’t get involved in an event where NSFW content is likely to appear. No amount of “I’m mature enough” or “I act older” constitutes a valid excuse, and you’re putting your (adult) participants in a very dangerous situation if you do that. ESPECIALLY if they don’t know you’re underage

*This isn’t to say you can’t run a bigger event if you’re alone, because people can and have done it and quite successfully at that. But in that case you must be absolutely all in

Participants

When you sign up for something, take the commitment seriously. Only sign up for things you know you’ll have the time/energy to deliver on, and do your best to do it

Stay on task. Keep to the schedule on your own, don’t make the organizers run after you

If you need an extension, ask for it, and don’t wait for the last minute. Sometimes you just need those few extra days or that week to complete your piece. Very often organizers will be understanding if you approach them asking for an extension, but don’t wait till the deadline to do so. Ask for the extension the moment you realize you’ll need extra time. Also ask even if you’re not 100% sure you’ll need it. Better to get the extension but still hand your stuff in on time than to show up the day of the deadline with an incomplete work and asking for more time. In the event that the organizers can’t give you an extension, either sort yourself out to have your stuff done on time or drop out of the event

If you need to drop out, do it sooner rather than later. Sometimes things come up, or your muse goes on vacation, or something else happens that’ll make you unable to participate. That’s ok! It happens to everyone. But in that case, tell the organizers ASAP so they can readjust their plans around you. Don’t just disappear off the face of the Earth without letting them know what your status is

Pace yourself. I know it’s tempting to sign up for everything. But the more you’re in the more strain you put on yourself, and the more likely you are to cause a domino effect if something goes wrong

Don’t air your dirty laundry publicly. If you have an issue with another participant or the organizer(s), or the way the event is being managed, or whatever else, take it up privately first. If it can’t be resolved, maybe just quietly drop out of the event and go on your way

#voltron #voltron legendary defender #voltron fandom #fandom events #voltronevents #long post #mod pidge

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alteabellerose · 6 years

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”*Putting this under a submit since this might be long and I don’t wanna split it up in several asks that Tumblr might eat. Sorry for any inconvenience*”

”I have some thoughts about the latest chapter. I was not expecting the feels to hit me like they did. But I actually understand why MC did what she did. How she did it was harsh and unnecessary, but I do understand the point behind it.”

-This is a fairly long submission but it’s also worth a read bc anon makes a lot of good points about this whole mess but I don’t want to clog your dashes with this super long post so I’m putting the submission and my response under a read more-

”Something I felt hasn’t been addressed a lot in the story is the fact that MC gave up her whole life to be with Altea. She literally left her own world behind to move to an alternate universe. For Altea. Someone who is willing to give up everything to be with you is a big deal and shows a huge amount of trust, especially in the messy situation they’re in with the Witch Queen and an approaching war. Then she learns that Altea, who probably felt like an anchor, has been lying about a lot of things. Even something as trivial as the fact that she’s two years younger than she said/implied she was. From personal experience, I can say that that plants a seed of doubt that is REALLY hard to get over. Suddenly you’re questioning everything and you feel all alone. Even if you aren’t.”

”Even more so if, like MC, if she feels like she literally has no one to turn to. She didn’t just move to a different city, a different state or even a different country, she literally moved into another universe where no one from her past is. Where she has no way to contact them. And we know that Chicago is where she feels safe since Altea told her to think of a safe place and they ended up there. In Chicago, she probably would called Sophie or her parents or anyone else in her life to confide in/vent. In the L&L world, that person would most likely be Altea, but this time she’s also the one right in the middle of a huge mess.”

”MC only spoke to Iseul because he sought her out. The guys had to bring it up because of MCs aggressive behavior during training, MC didn’t go to the courtyard with the intention of talking to them. In fact, the one MC ended up confiding in was Helena (which kinda makes me suspicious btw).”

”Then add the fact that Mireille didn’t make a good first impression by threatening MC. Or the fact that she shoves MC out of conversations by talking to Altea in a language she knows MC doesn’t understand. Or hijacking the day she and Altea should’ve had together. Or the way she seems to have a thing for Altea or at the very least she seems to disapprove of MC and Altea’s relationship. Then, finally, saving Altea right in front of her.”

”I feel like MC probably had Helena’s words echoing in her head about people always being tempted by those who have been with them since the beginning. How Mireille will know Altea’s heart and have memories MC can’t touch. It probably doesn’t help that every other conversations Mireille and Altea has is basically “hey, remember when….” which would make anyone feel left out. Then Altea says she wants Mireille to stay with them in the castle…”

”Basically MC is feeling insecure as all hell and the only who seems to get it is Helena.”

”Sidenote: Considering you literally pick between Altea and Helena and how this chapter ended, I just have to say: If this is the point where Helena’s route starts, I’m gonna be livid! I want a clean beginning, not MC running to Helena because she and Altea are having problems! Not here for breaking Altea’s heart for Helena!”

”Anyway, there’s a distinct lack of communication between everyone, which is turning this into a bigger issue than it should’ve been. MC’s insecurities are very flawed, but also very real. And from her POV, Altea doesn’t seem to want to understand. She feels like Altea doesn’t get it, but really how can Altea get it when MC doesn’t communicate her feelings. Its irrational, but doubts and insecurities will do that unfortunately. ”

”No one is innocent in all this. MC should’ve communicated her feelings/thoughts to Altea. The necklace was an immature lashing out that’ll only cause more hurt. But Altea should been more upfront, should’ve considered how betrayed MC might feel given the trust she had shown Altea and communicated her thoughts instead if just announcing something like the fact that she wants Mireille to stay and expecting MC to be ok with it.”

”I feel like Iseul should take his own advice and tie both Altea and MC to Reiner’s chair until they actually talk to each other… They both have some apologizing to do. And, more importantly, they need to freaking TALK TO EACH OTHER. A real heart-to-heart where they both talk and they both listen.”

Okay so I’m gonna open by saying that I never saw a notification for this so idk how late I am at getting to it and I’m sorry if you sent this yesterday or this morning and I didn’t get to it earlier

But! Yeah honestly I think you’ve made nothing but good points here. I think literally every day about how hard it must be for MC to deal with the knowledge that she left literally everyone and everything she’s ever known behind, like sure she loves Altea and the guys are her friends but she left behind her best friend and who knows how much family all for Altea and this war with the witch queen when she could’ve easily gone back to her old life, not put herself in danger every single day, not left 25 years of her life behind. I wish we’d get more about that in the story, even if it was just in the form of comments from MC sometimes, like when she was talking to the witch queen about her memories of the garden her mother had, except wherein she’s talking to someone who will listen and care

I know that I’ve been making a fair few angry/hurt posts about this and generally siding with Altea, but I don’t want to make it seem like I think MC is completely at fault for things. I can’t say that I’ve been lied to on that scale, but I can say that I can relate to what Altea says about her parents and so I also understand why she would lie about that at the very least. I don’t mean that I approve of it, but I’m not exactly mad. I am, however, pretty much entirely on MC’s side in regards to the jealousy issue with Mireille, I’m secondhand jealous tbh, and it surprises me that Altea was oblivious enough to the issue to suggest that Mireille stay permanently. Definitely was not happy with her about that.

The main thing I’m upset with MC about isn’t necessarily leaving Altea, it’s leaving Altea when she barely addressed the jealousy issue with her. It’s not that I don’t understand MC’s reasoning. I had a similar problem in a relationship when I was 16 and I stewed for like, weeks, but instead of, interestingly enough, returning the necklace he’d given me and I had hardly taken off in the year and a half we were together in a symbolic breakup gesture, we talked it out and lo and behold, we stayed together for a while longer. MC walked off and GOD do I understand the “she saved you when I couldn’t comment” because I kind of have a protectiveness thing going on and christ that’d kill me, and Altea just says “I don’t hold a grudge against you for that, it was just chance” but like, I’d hold a grudge against myself for the rest of my life probably and now I’m rambling so anyway, Altea goes after her and asks what’s wrong you know, and MC is like “I’m jealous” and then hands her the charm???????? When they talked about her feelings for all of two minutes?????????????????????

I’m frustrated with the lack of communication happening, and from the perspective of someone outside the relationship of course it looks easy to solve so I’m trying to avoid judging too harshly but god if they would just talk to each other! I’m also frustrated because I’ve mentioned on this blog that I’ve played/am playing virtually every game I can get my hands on where you can play as a girl and romance a girl, and god only knows how many bi/pan/lesbian LIs I could rattle off right now, but Altea is my all-time favorite. So maybe I’ve been harsh on MC for doing what she did but god I just keep thinking about what my favorite girl ever must’ve been thinking when MC put the charm in her hands and it’s killing me and kind of clouding my fair judgment here

Like. I love MC and I support her always (usually) but TALK TO YOUR GIRL!!!!!!! I’m glad you said that the lack of communication is turning this into a bigger issue than it should’ve been because that’s by far my biggest problem with what’s going on. It just doesn’t need to be this bad.

Re: your sidenote god same. I was happy when Alain’s route started and I assumed they’d do the same thing with Helena, like have it be an AU type deal where MC just happened to get picked up by the generals instead of August and Iseul, but now I’m scared. I wouldn’t be able to play Helena’s route at first. I’d have to emotionally gear myself up for it, lmao. Helena getting a route is literally a dream come true for me, as in literally I wanted it so badly I dreamed about it once before they announced it, but I don’t know if it’s worth the expense of Altea’s heart. That’s a cheesy thing to say about fictional characters but it’d hurt her so much. I couldn’t do it.

Catch me crying like a baby when they have their inevitable heart-to-heart though, I’m a sucker for this stuff

Thanks for sending this in, I could talk forever about L&L lmao & I appreciate your apparently slightly more balanced perspective than my own

#long post //#SO sorry if youre on mobile and the read more doesnt work lmao #also sorry if i repeated myself or didnt make sense in places im not good at walls of text #Love and Legends #Love & Legends #Voltage #submission #anon #Altea Bellerose

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fureniku · 5 years

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The return of my blog or something idk

Looks like in my last blog I said I’d not post my semi-private stuff here, only to a private blog.

Honestly, I can’t remember the name of the private blog; let alone the login/password. I think I only made one post there, to zero followers, and kind of lost the point of doing it. So fuck it, lets just go back to being here.

Days since last post: 614 Todays date: 30th September 2019 Start time: 20:39

Well, I guess we have some catching up to do.

I don’t know how many people on here were following me before. So, I guess I’ll start with a sum-up. My previous blog was just me ranting about anxiety/depression related things. It was a good platform for me to vent my thoughts without real life friends knowing; I had a few RL friends who followed it which was great as they could give me some support, but most of them didn’t know about the blog, which was also great as they then didn’t know a side of me I’d generally prefer to keep private. That blog was deleted in early January 2018, when the drummer from my then-band found it. I had made some comments about my frustrations in the band which were true, and I stand by them - but naturally it caused drama. I deleted the account, and instantly regretted it - I only had maybe 50 followers, but now I have two, so yeah. Life since then has been... chaotic. Not specifically in a bad way, just a lot of things happened. When the blog ended I was; - Single - Playing guitar in a band - Working a dead-end job in a Warehouse - Had no ambition/drive to progress life

Three of those things have since changed; I’m still single (not for lack of trying but whatevs). I guess I’ll cover a timeline? Jan 2018: I deleted my old blog, and made this one, and a second one with a more secretive/anon name. I made a couple of posts on each, then abandoned it. Instead, I started relying mostly on just one friend to help me. May 2018: I got a new job, working for a games developer. It literally changed my life. Anxiety/depression started to clear up a lot, things just generally improved. June/July-ish 2018: I left my band. There was an argument about the fact another band was using our space for free, after we had offered it to them at a split rate and they declined. I instigated the argument, other members didn’t see eye to eye with me, so I quit. It was a final nail in the coffin kind of thing, but it was certainly the healthy thing to do. The whole situation had been kind of toxic for a little while, but I now get on just fine with all of them - I think if I had stayed much longer, that might not be the case. Our vocalist left very shortly after me as well - I don’t know the reasons why, but it seems the terms were... less happy.

September 2018: I started taking Japanese classes. Met a girl, had a crush on her for a bit, it didn’t go anywhere as usual. No biggie.

December 2018: Depression came back a bit, as it always does around then. Not much I can do about it so I just power through.

February 2019: I got made redundant from work. I was cool with it, I could see it coming for a while and there was like 12 other people too, my boss had fought hard to keep me but the game wasn’t doing so well, so I totally get it. I got a nice redundancy pay (which they by no means had to give me, so I’m super grateful). I applied for a job with another studio; quite a big one called Jagex. They were far from me so it would’ve involved moving and stuff, so quite scary. I made it to the final stages, but didn’t get it.

I now had a fair lump of cash (I had been saving for a house anyway), but not quite sure what to do with it. Followers of my previous blog can probably guess what I decided to spend it on...

April 2019: I went back to Japan! My mental-health-reset trip mark 2. I spent about two and a half weeks there (despite fucking up and accidentally buying a ticket to return mid-may... whoops). I got detained in China on my way home too but that’s a whole other story (it was all sorted and fine in the end).

While in Japan, I had time to clear my head and think. I decided I wanted to go back to university, so started thinking about how that would work. Here in the UK, we get a student loan to pay for university. It’s a bit complicated, but the way it works is you get your course length plus one year of funding. The day you set foot on campus, you use one year of funding. Now, I had already been to university previously - I studied music production. Totally dead industry, I dropped out about three weeks into my second year. That meant, I only had course length minus one year’s funding left available. So I have to pay the first year of university myself. At a cool £9,250.

My dad agreed to pay one term, so one third of that. I managed to save up another terms worth by working over the summer. I’m sat in my uni dorm right now, still not quite sure how I’ll pay for the third term... but I’ve got 6 months to figure that one out.

May 2019: I returned to my original job, back in the warehouse. Picking and packing sacks of bird food, so much fun. My mental health naturally slipped again, although everyone was really friendly to me while before it was kinda like I didn’t exist, so that was nice.

Around this time, I also joined an Overwatch team. It was a pretty big team with maybe 14-15 members, it was cool to make some new friends. Except one guy, was a dick. This OW stuff is like a whole side story from hereon... Anyway, I said to my squad leader (We’ll call her SN) that this guy is a dick. She said ok and she’d go talk to him. She said do you agree you’re being a dick, he said no. She said do you acknowledge one of the squad members thinks you’re being a dick? He said no again. Some other stuff I don’t know happened, and he got kicked off the team. He turned a load of people against her, caused loads of drama, and everyone blamed her when it was 100% my fault. So that was fun. The only reason I didn’t leave the team right then is because if I had, the entire drama would’ve been for nothing.

June 2019: My old boss who didn’t work there appeared at the end of may. I have a job for you. Ominous... but ok. Turns out, there was a new system being implemented on another contract. As I had experience with QA, and had done some IT stuff for them before, they wanted me to help with the testing and implementation. It was a job that would test my brain, while requiring little physical work - it was perfect for me. I really enjoyed it. It was supposed to be a four week thing, but we found lots of niggly little problems in the system... as far as I know, it’s actually only just gone live - but may have been delayed further.

While working up there, obviously there was downtime while waiting for fixes to be implemented. “What, you want this label a different size? oof, that’s gonna take about three weeks”. However, I got to stay in the office, doing odd jobs and stuff. One of the “odd jobs” ended up being a full on Android app, that my boss and me developed together. It was super fun to work on and really rewarding. That was worked on on-and-off between June and August.

July 2019: an interesting month. There was a major incident at work where a shelf holding very heavy metal shit stirrers collapsed. (The contract was a water treatment etc company, who provide all the clean water and water recycling for my local area. The things on the shelf literally stirred shit.) No one was hurt but it was a lot of drama, which was kind of entertaining to me as I was totally bunking off for the whole week where it happened. Not just the occasionally check Facebook on your phone at work kind of bunking off; I literally just messed about on Discord and worked on Minecraft mods for about two weeks straight. They had given me quite a big project to do, I automated the process... gg ez.

Around this time, the game I had been a part of before was to be officially cancelled. My old work invited me down to the studio to be a part of the formal funeral for the game, which was a big honour. I even got to fly the sky-whale which was awesome. It was bittersweet though, as the game meant a lot to me and had literally changed my life.

August 2019: haaaaaa august was a meme. I’d gotten kinda close with a girl (we’ll call her AP) in my Overwatch team. Like, we’d arranged to meet up at the end of August anyway but yeah, she was the first crush in a long time who actually knew I liked her. And she had certainly implied she felt the same way... like she’d been sending lots of hearts and stuff and talking to me 24/7, tagging me in “X has to take you on a date to Y place” memes and so on. Anyways, so SN had apparently picked up on the fact I liked her, and started getting super pissy with me. I was pretty good friends with SN and we got on well, but in August she suddenly started getting crazy angry with me over tiny things. It all came to a head when I let AP kill me in a game (long story). Turns out, SN was like in love with me... despite breaking up with her boyfriend of over a year like 2 days before this conversation. So yeah, she told me to fuck off and that was that, she left the team etc, which thanks to chain of command meant that I was then in charge. fun.

Anyways, get to the end of August, and I was due to meet AP. We met up, it was pretty cool. We hung out at a gaming festival, then suddenly like half way through she was like “lets split up for a bit” and I was like ........ok thats weird but alright. We didn’t meet up again until literally when she had like 2 mins to go, but it seems like she had a lot more fun without me being there. Clearly I’d done some major fuckup, which I still don’t actually know what it was. I had an anxiety attack before I even reached my car... and not a little one either. It’s quite possibly the biggest anxiety attack I’ve ever had, I barely made it to my car before having a total meltdown. It was the first one I’d had for about a year and it hit hard. It took me about 30 mins to calm down, then I headed home.

I messaged her that night and asked her what happened, and she replied with “oh I never said I liked you”. It hurt a lot, like I’d been totally lead on. But hey whatever, that’s my life in a nutshell right? “Oh you want this happiness? this happiness right infront of you? HA nah”. She said in the same message that I “seemed cool” and she’d like to hang out again sometime. But literally within a week she was clearly interested in another guy, so yeah whatever. We’re still friends and play games from time to time but I know she likes this other guy, so yeah. I still like her but whatever, not much I can do about it.

Work was a meme as well. I got taken off the fun and interesting projects to do paperwork. Literally, my job was to scan 35,000 documents because they couldn’t find a couple of bits of information. I suggested much better and more efficient ways, but the boss of the contract was like “no thats bad do it this old fashioned way we don’t want any fancy apps or anything” (I had suggested a spreadsheet or database). It took me about 3 weeks of just standing by a scanner which would jam up every 15-20 sheets in. It was mental health hell, especially in the last week after all the AP stuff had happened.

September 2019: I had one week left at work. I finished the hellish scanning project on Monday afternoon. “Oh as a thanks for your massive hard work we’ll make sure to find you things to do for the rest of the week” No it’s fine, I’m happy to just finish a few days early so I have more time to prep for uni. “No no no, we’ll find you stuff to do” They did not find stuff for me to do. I literally sat there, with nothing to do bar a few odd jobs “hey can you fix this printer”, for four days. It was incredibly mind-numbingly dull. The only thing ticking me over was “hey, maybe they wanna give me a card on my last day or something to say good luck and bye and thanks for doing this literal £20/hr job for half that because you’re agency staff”. But nah, a few people said cya later, but a lot forgot I was leaving entirely. So that was a fun way to finish what had mostly been a decent job...

I then had two weeks of freedom, before moving to university on the 21st. I was nervous; who wouldn’t be? but it was cool. I finally moved out of my house, and had a place where I could make a lot of new friends (LOL). On the day I moved in, I met up with someone I’d spoken to online a few times who was living in the same building as me, we’ll call her S. She was nice, we got on well, and it was kinda cool to have a friend who was a girl that for once I didn’t have a crush on (coz I’m still totally hung up on AP). We ended up going to a club in the evening which I’ve literally never done in my life, and she brought me out of my comfort zone a lot. She was great for my anxiety and really helpful. We’ve hung out a few times since, but I kind of feel like I was just a “filler friend” until she made new friends. She actually totally blanked me when I walked past her today, so that was fun. She has my Switch atm too coz I let her borrow it, I’ll probably just get it back later this week and then be done, its like I put in all the effort to be a friend and she couldn’t care less.

Anyways, so as I said I moved in on Saturday. I met one of my four flatmates on Saturday and another on Sunday, but hadn’t seen the other two at all. It gets to Thursday and I’m tidying the kitchen a bit, my mum’s about to pick me up so I can move in my last few things, and one of the mystery people appeared - she hadn’t actually moved in yet and was just unloading her stuff. She had loads of kitchen stuff, seems she’s really into her cooking.

Anyway, mum picks me up, we go to get my stuff, then we’re driving back, and my phone starts blowing up. S: Are you in? Me: No, why? S: Your building’s on fire. Me: lol nice joke S: no really *picture of everyone evacuated with fire engines outside* S: It’s your floor too, idk which flat. I wasn’t far out, so found her outside when I arrived. I’ve seen people going in, not being funny but one of them looked like [one of my flatmates]. Shit. A few mins later, the girl who had just moved in came over. You know it’s our flat right? Shit. Turns out the extractor fan on the cooker malfunctioned. I won’t share the video itself coz one of my flatmates is in it, but yeah it just started spraying molten something all over the hob and surfaces. (They said it looked like molten metal, and they were there - but I don’t see how it would’ve gotten hot enough to melt any metal. My best guess is fat that hadn’t been cleaned from last years tenants)

So yeah, we got moved into another flat. The open cupboard right there was my one - I rescued my custom cup from it that the games studio had given me. It’s no good to drink from now, but it still looks ok so I’m glad I can keep it for decorative purposes at least. The rest of the food is waste, and I have to wait for the plates etc to get cleaned. I’m currently eating ready meals out of their cook-in containers, because I don’t have any plates, and only one fork and spoon. I bought some paper plates today though so I’ll use those from tomorrow, but I still don’t have any saucepans or anything.

I wasn’t around when they sorted out the replacement accommodation. Because of that, the other four from my flat went to the same new flat together, with one new person. I was put into a different flat which also had one other person in, my building manager assured me they’re “really nice”. I asked if they knew I was coming, BM said “they’ll know when we get up there :)”. That was Thursday, today is Monday. The only food in the kitchen is mine, I’ve not seen anyone. I’m 100% positive I’m alone in this flat.

And so yeah, that’s my uni experience so far. I had my first lectures today, it was cool because I already knew all the stuff so I got to feel smart (I’m doing computer games programming, and it was mostly about design docs which I read through extensively while working at the studio, so I knew exactly how they worked etc). But, I didn’t really make any friends. I kind of joined in with a couple of other people in each lecture, but it seems like they weren’t really interested, so whatever. I had an anime society taster this evening as well, and it was when I was on my way to that that S blanked me and I just got hit my like a wave of loneliness. I didn’t make any friends at the anime society, so I kinda just gave up and came back to my flat, and started writing this. As I was getting the fire picture from above though someone asked me if I wanted to hang out, so guess I’ll see how that goes. Not holding out much hope tbh and I’m at the point of becoming a full on hermit... I mean hey, at least I’d get a perfect score on my degree if I just focus on that and eliminate any social aspect right?

Finish time: 21:38 Length: 3,302 words/16,759 characters

#depression #anxiety #new start #moving #relationships #friendships #friends #tw #trigger warning

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evergloffpress · 5 years

Text

Bottle of Blog: Truth In Jest

Blog Entry # 33

I have clearly not been setting the verbal output I had intended this month. It has been a rather eventful and busy few weeks. None the less I have set aside an increment of time to devote to the art of blog.

Continuing our series of great jackasses in history today I present the frightfully shallow and always narcissistic Victor R. A petty man of towering self-assurance and entirely devoid of tact.

A season or so ago I found my self taking a stroll when I came across a kiosk populated by t-shirts with various humorous images and phrases on display. Some elicited a slight smile. While others brought forth a hearty chuckle. One t-shirt, in particular, proclaimed (and I am paraphrasing here) that the wearer is in fact NOT an aggressively unpleasant individual in big bold letters. Rhymes with grass mole for those that simply must know. Then the T-shirt continues to immediately amend its previous comment by saying ”just kidding” and instructs the reader to perform an anatomically impossible sexual act with oneself. I found it amusing. So I snapped a pictured and I sent it to to Victor R. Via text thinking he would find it witty as well.

The following is the exact conversation as it appeared on my cell phone.

Victor: Hey take it easy.😡

Me: Take what easy?

Victor: The pic. Just back off.

Me: You're taking the t-shirt as a direct attack on you? Relax it's just a t-shirt. Not a manifesto or a declaration of hostile intent. I thought it was funny and I thought you would to.

Victor: All truth is said in jest.

Me: Who the hell told you that?

Victor: It's true. It's been documented.

Me: In the American Journal of Bu!!$#|+, maybe.

Victor: it's a fact. Are you buying the shirt for your self?

Me: Only to wear it ironically but I'm not. But wait so when I would facetiously call my friend Gus’ mother a whore I truly believed she was an actual prostitute?

Victor: You really said that? What's wrong with you?

Me: Well?

Victor: I don't mean truth truth. I mean like passive aggression or even subconsciously.

Me: Well sure I can accept that is very possible but then that would imply that most if not all men on Earth and I have rather aggressive issues with all their friends and family.

Victor: Most probably do.

Me: I have a cousin who is very much a clean freak who bathes twice a day. When she announces she is going to take a bath I always make the same joke. Suggesting she is ”gonna go make some mud now”.

You are saying I either consciously or subconsciously have a problem with her and I manifest it passive-aggressively?

Victor: Of course.

Me: So according to you to lovingly jab someone is an oxymoron? It's a passive-aggressive symptom of a deeply rooted issue. These ”jokes” are my way to vent out my frustrations with these people. I must really have problems with everyone I know then.

Victor: You probably do. That's why you can't keep a friend around. You antagonize every one you meet. You have a very polarizing personality. People either like you or hate you.

Me: I generally agree with what you are saying that there can be truth in jest but I do not believe it's across the board. I also agree that some people may also make disparaging comments again in that and they may subconsciously be harboring issues with the person in question. However I do believe people can simply poke fun at those they care for because they love them with no underlying problems anyway in the equation.

Victor: I disagree. I have never made any jokes at my daughter’s expense and I never would because I actually love her.

Me: So as I recall when she was a baby you were playing with her and I remember you saying ” I'm gonna eat this little girl. Yum, yum, yum”. Then you pretended to nibble on her toes. Are you suggesting you are maybe concealing some hidden infanticidal cannibalistic tendencies? Does filial cannibalism run in your family? That’s vile.

(15minutes elapsed)

Hello?

He did not text back again.

I seem to get the worst out of people. Maybe he is right. Maybe I've been the problem all along or maybe he just kiss the brightest part of my ass.

And that last sentence was sure as sugar NOT passive-aggressive or subconsciously stemmed from.

Oliver Evergloff

May-29-2019

Post Text Comment- Why yes I do think Im rather clever from time to time.

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aidenwaites · 4 years

Note

Hey, this actually is the anon from before and I don't take your post as a "call out" but I want to explain a bit. I didn't mean to imply anything about your life or your situation, I'm just a long time follower who's a fan of your creativity and character work and I'm a couple of years older than you and experimenting with simple casting and smoothing. So I naturally imagined the fantasy equivalent of being vaguely acquainted and offering an apprenticeship when home life got stressful....

.. Between common tropes in fantasy and my own experiences (with a father figure who relies on intimidation but doesn't like to actually get violent) there was an extra layer in that fantasy of basically just... Being supported by someone who can enforce their support feels more solid in some ways. I'm sorry that came off wrong in this case, and I'm sorry my messages in general came off wrong here. It's just that I tend to think of the "tough blacksmith" as a big factor in supporting anything.

Basically I was trying to talk about a fantasy safe place where you'd feel safe and supported in a way that was serious if people got aggressive and casual if people were just normal. In any case, I'm sorry if I overdid things (which it sounds like I probably did). I meant it casually but I realise that I was relying on a lot of perceptions for anybody else to see it so casually, so I'm sorry.

I don’t mind friendly anon messages! I would just rather no one make assumptions about anyone in my family or my situation, especially when it’s stuff I’ve said while frustrated. I tend to only mention people like my step dad on here when I’m venting, so I can see how it’s very easy for someone to come to a conclusion that isn’t necessarily true, but I would ask you to remember that not everything in my life is shared on here. This blog is my personal blog, but do keep in mind that there is a very astute difference between being a follower of mine and being someone I consider a close friend.

The thought of someone I don’t know and can’t identify in any real sense creating some kind of fiction about me or even for me is.. admittedly, a little uncomfortable. I know you didn’t intend it that way, and you probably intended it to be something more comforting than anything else, so please don’t worry about it, but this is as much a general message to my followers as it is a discussion with you.

You are welcome to send me messages and asks, you are welcome to joke around with me and laugh with me and speak with me, but there is a line between all of that and what happened here.

I will thank you for being open with me concerning what happened and taking what I’ve said into consideration. Again, I’m not calling you out or blaming you! But I’m also astutely aware that this blog has grown a bit- especially since I ran a certain android-themed sideblog that blew up for a hot minute- and that if I’m going to keep posting and attempting to create on this platform, I do need to draw some lines. This was a misunderstanding and little more- but I hope you don’t mind if I use it as an opportunity to make a lot of this known.

#Anonymous

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opalmothnightingale · 6 years

Text

Feelings I Get, Triggers I Try To Prevent, My Outbursts of Subconscious Realizations

2- 10- 18 -

Sometimes I say things that I think aren’t very nice and I try to be nice, but sometimes I am really full of hate and cruelty and it’s just part of my psychopathic tendencies and I can’t really rightly apologize in the sense of saying,... then I think I can and should do better, because I actually feel that I can’t do better because part of myself is broken. I try to control myself but sometimes I just feel that part of my brain and emotions, psyche, etc is broken. It’s ok though...

Ah... So I just have to try to not put myself into situations where that is a problem. So I go to private blogs when I rant and I only have relationships with people who can handle that or I only get close to people who can handle it and it doesn’t necessarily come up unless my triggers are pushed and I don’t have a place to go vent and rant alone.

I get feelings from people and I get feelings about people and I get feelings in response to people and I don’t necessarily know how to tell which are which because it’s a big pile of feelings that are all blended up in a soupy puddle of feelings and thoughts, impressions, ideas, ideals, wishes, motivations, agendas and whatever inside of my self...

Just,... simply my heart, mind, soul, energy, subconscious, my goals, dreams, wishes, ideals about love, if it’s related to my forest love... And so it’s like, yeah... it’s what it is. I thought I sensed a lot from that person but maybe I sensed little to nothing from them. What I thought I sensed might have been mostly my own feelings and ideas and whatever I added to it.

I know for a fact I had many reactions, ideas, ideals, attached to the thoughts of them. And even though I tried to realize that they might be nothing like I wanted, like I like, like I could relate to, I still wanted to feel that they might be enough, enough at least... That maybe they could be ideal for me, that maybe they could be good enough for me, that there may be a chance.

And that maybe I could open up to them, that they could be the dream come true. I admit that door was open, or at least, the door was there, waiting to be opened, to be walked through,... And I have to protect my poor heart from it.

While it’s true the person means nothing real to me, it’s too true also... I admit, that I wanted to keep open in my imagination, the slight mere chance of caring, being connected, one day, possibly... Even though I don’t need it to ever happen.

And it’s true, and I have to protect myself, because if I went through that door, to see what’s on the other side, to see what the other really thinks or feels or how they act towards me, if I ever dared to try to connect at all on the level of speaking about any of this weird phenomenon, then they would suddenly be more than just “not a person” to me,... because I would have made them someone in my world, able to speak to me.

Able to insult and build up hopes, ignore, abandon, belittle, minimize, scoff and all the other things the others have done when I ever walked through that door in my mind, with anybody.

That is why I want to keep the door closed. And yet I wanted to be real, real with myself, real with anyone and everyone who it really impacts, to be responsible, ethical, just in case it’s affecting someone in a way that is unpleasant, so that weighed on my mind but then I rationalized to think it’s not a problem. I don’t think it’s a problem.

I think that whatever little chance it’s a problem to anyone is so small that it’s not nearly as serious as the risk of pain of letting the person become a “real person” to me, to my world, my heart, mind, soul and feelings and life and business... I want them over there, not involved with me unless I have a good reason to feel they will respect, understand and treat me as I would want to be treated if I ever crossed that line, stepped over the threshold of the door that so far remains unentered in my mind... I never need to enter the door, or exit it, whatever... Lol I never need to.

I don’t necessarily plan on it. So I wanted to keep the feelings pleasant, beautiful, good, easy, peaceful, for me and also for the other if they are affected by those feelings I have, at all... But then the little disruption the other day that I had sort of brought a secret denial up in myself and I said things, typed things, not so nice, not so kind and not so positive, about how I see the other. Things that I didn’t really think, before, or if I did think them, somehow I rationalized that I didn’t really feel them, they were only merely these passing thoughts,...

Not how I really saw them. But after last night, I have to think maybe I really do feel that way. I had similar thoughts about my husband, and other people who I was friends who let me down, and I think maybe I need to listen to the feelings, if I was to ever consider talking in real life.

But it is more likely there will never be cause to talk in real life, no sensible reason or compability to make me think that would make sense. The things I feel that I don’t relate to, don’t like, don’t appreciate, don’t admire,... Yes I think that I could have and should and would, might, maybe have kept them to myself,...

Ok. I know. I rather not insult anyone unless they insult me first, then I might. But it just came out, and it’s my psychopathic lack of self control that I get sometimes when I am confronted with certain issues that set me off too much, such as I felt last night. Not admirable, but what can I say? I’m not a perfect person. I can be a total jerk sometimes. In certain regards. I won’t deny it and yet I accept it about myself.

I just think that I want to keep the connection... The connection to the energy. The connection that I said I do not sense from the person... Can it be said I sense it from the person? Not exactly I think. I sense it when I think of the person, when I read what they write.

But does that mean it’s from them? Not necessarily. Not when I can’t see the logical reason they would trigger it. Not when I don’t see the traits and values clearly exemplified in them. I see some of it in them, but not the height and fullness and depth of it, not at all. I have not seen that immensity in them. But just in case, I wanted to keep that possibility fresh and untainted and when I see the painful feelings I have towards them, it sort of messes that up.

I wanted to think that maybe their higher selves were the conduit, or their soul, and maybe that is so. But I wanted to feel good enough about how it all got “delivered”, the phone line to my forest spirit. I can’t worship the phone line when it’s the voice and feelings I get from the one I’m communicating with that is the real blessing and wonder.

But I want to keep the phone working and it seems there needs to be a sense of wonder, sacredness, reverence, respect and admiration about the phone itself, even... Lol So to speak,... When who I’m connecting with and how I’m connecting is so divine and immense. So I’m going to try.

And so yes, I will try to keep things better, less antagonistic, I will try to also keep things real and not overly idealistic so I can keep myself safe from deluded crashing into wishful seeking, seeking something, seeking energy, creating something else, creating something maybe wrong or maybe more than I bargained for in a bad tangled mess of feelings and cording... Something... Something... What? I don’t know. I just want them over there, and me over here, on the human level, distant, not crossed cords, not tangled, not assuming, not insulting, none of that... Not advising or implying...

And I guess there is a part of me that sadly might read into things, seeing things that aren’t there, in the desire to connect, to talk, to see something,... And the immense frustration of the signs and synchs I do see, and have seen in the past... Signs and synchs though that weren’t enough, that were disappointing and confusing and frustrating and embarrassing... So I guess I am still reacting to that... When really I suppose... I don’t want synchs and signs at all...

No, not at all,... Only,... Unless, only ever, if, in real, true, fully down to earth, real life, they’re compatible,... None of that “soul love” mumbo jumbo, “I knew you and loved you immediately”, “I feel your soul”... etc... Which is the main thing I feel now if I am honest, and I feel that it might be completely baseless at the human level of things...

If that is what is there, I don’t want any “soul love” entanglement... I only want to talk at all or have synchs or signs if the person is compatible with me...

And their signs and synchs compatible too... Based on deeper meaning and not just the universe mirroring yourself and what you’re focusing on but actually bringing a true, deeper match of my real whole self...

It’s too tempting and taunting otherwise, to want to believe that it means more, that it holds some secret key and soulmate potential... So,... No.

No,... I can do without all that entirely... And, so, I only want signs that are of the most pure and aligned, understanding, compatible sort with me and my personality, feelings and ideals... Which I’m realistic and don’t expect it. I just want us to be real, independent, not idealizing and not devaluing each other, either...

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