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gifted-burnout-archive · 4 years

Text

Jim’s Best Friend

Part Seventeen - What We’ve Resorted To

Word Count: 3160

Author’s Note: the tensions are high, and the world is changing. I should let you all know that after I reach part twenty, I’ll be taking a little break for a week, for a mixture of bulk writing and relaxation before I post the next chapters (also I am watching the office as I go and I need to watch season four and five through).

WARNING: none.

For previous chapter click here.

July, 2007.

The silent agony that was working beside Jim Halpert day in and day out had become a very real struggle. Watching him flirt with Karen, laugh with Pam, prank Dwight, all while feeling excluded from his bubble had started damaging your work: your sales had dropped, and even when you tried working in the annex, it was still impossible to find the motivation to get back into a work flow that led to anything positive.

When Michael called you into his office mid-summer, you were at a low you hadn't felt since your mom died, and you were certain you had hit the end of the line. Not only was it depressing to know you were failing miserably at your job, but being so aware that it was all your own fault made it all worse, somehow.

You closed over your files, Pam giving you a thumbs up and a smile as you headed into the office, but it faded as Michael closed the door and blinds: closing the blinds was never great.

"So, this is where you fire me, right?" You said bluntly, beating Michael to the punchline. He looked up from his files with a frown, gesturing for you to sit down, and you complied.

"I'm not firing you Y/N. I need you out in the field, doing something that forces you to smile." Michael informed you, his brows furrowed as he scanned you over. "But Jan has been talking about this being your last chance..." He added, and you sighed, running a hand through your hair.

"Let me take Dwight?" You asked, picking up one of the toys from Michael's desk and playing with it mindlessly.

"You're going with Jim." Michael said decidedly, and you sat up straight.

"You can't be serious..."

"I am! You need to talk to him at some point. So you'll do it on this sales call. Topaz. I need you to show face, and since you and Halpert started comanaging the account, I deemed it appropriate you worked together."

"This is the day you decide to act like an adult? Really Michael?" You hissed, sitting the toy back on his desk and standing up, opening the door suddenly to find Jim and Pam by the door, trying to listen in, with Karen on the other side. You rolled your eyes, forcing a smile onto your face and pushing past them for the kitchen, making yourself a cup of coffee as Michael pulled Dwight and Jim to the side.

"You're both out with Y/N today... Jim, it's the Topaz account. Get your stuff sorted, you'll be leaving in five. Dwight?" Michael dismisses Jim to finish off any outstanding tasks, leading Dwight into his office. "I want you to keep an eye on Y/N." Michael ordered, and Dwight nodded.

"Like a secret mission?" Dwight's eyebrows raised as he spoke, and Michael took a second to breathe.

"I need you to track her actions while you are out... Jan is thinking of letting her go, I would like to keep her here." Michael explained, opening the office door once more, and Dwight walked out with purpose, collecting his things.

You finished the coffee in your cup, hands shaking a little. The caffeine wasn't good for your nerves, you knew that, but it was the middle of the work day, so alcohol wasn't an option. You heard the door open and looked up to see Pam standing there, arms folded and a sad smile on her face.

"I'm done for." You laughed, quickly washing out your cup and setting it down to dry.

"You'll have Dwight as a buffer." Pam tried to keep positive, and you walked over to her, leaning in to speak quietly.

"He won't even look at me anymore, and if this call goes to shit I'll be gone by next week..." You reminded her, and Pam just sighed, walking with you back to her own desk while you grabbed the few things you needed for the sales call.

You had told Pam everything a few days after Phyllis' wedding, the pair of your taking the weekend to hole up in your apartment and watch sad movies. You needed to come to terms with it, and while Pam tried to convince you to just tell Jim how you felt, you couldn't.

"Ready to embark, Y/N?" Dwight asked, waiting by the door. You sighed and nodded, frowning a little as he scribbled something into his notebook. He caught you, and smirked. "Lack of motivation for work."

"Oh, go fuck yourself, Dwight." You muttered, quickly walking out the office and into the elevator, Jim and Dwight following.

"Inappropriate use of language to a superior." Dwight commented again.

"She doesn't work for you Dwight..." Jim corrected, and the pair of you shared a glance. After weeks of avoiding you, now was when he decided to talk?

The three of you headed out to your car, you jumping in the driver's seat. Jim took shotgun when Dwight insisted on sitting behind you for safety reasons.

"In the event of a crash, driver's always protect their side first... And we are statistically more likely to crash with Y/N driving." Dwight commented as you reversed out the parking spot, and you gripped the wheel tighter, making the split second decision to slam on the brake and send Dwight's head flying into the back of your seat. "OW!" Dwight yelled as Jim let out a laugh. "Dangerous driving." Dwight spike up again as he scribbled down another note.

"Keep it up, Dwight, Y/N will have you fired instead." Jim joked, a small smile on his face.

"You don't get to do that." You said quickly, pulling out into the main road, beginning the drive to the Topaz HQ on the other side of Scranton.

"Do what?" Jim asked, and you turned a corner.

"Act like we're friends." You informed him, the conversation ending there.

—

The drive was too long for anyone's liking, with Dwight continuing to meticulously take notes on your every move. When you arrived at Topaz, you kept the car doors locked, looking at the pair of them.

"This is a courtesy call, a hello and discount offer since they have a new Resources Manager. Nothing more." You reassured them, unlocking the car and handing Dwight the keys. "Jim, you start. Jeffords likes talking to you on the phone. Dwight, be quick." You and Jim stepped out of the car, leaving Dwight to his rituals as you opened your handbag and took out a cigarette, bringing it to your lips.

"Really, Y/N? They'll smell it on you." Jim scoffed, walking over and taking the smoke from your lips before you even had a chance to light it.

"Hey!" You snapped, glaring at Jim as you sighed, putting away your lighter. Jim kept the disappointed look on his face, throwing the cigarette into the nearest bin, no doubt trying to figure out what was going on with you. In the background, Dwight's heavy metal cassette vibrated your car.

"It's like you’re trying to get fired." Jim hissed, and you rolled your eyes, looking down at your shoes. Were you? Maybe you were, better than feel this terrible all the time. You pushed yourself off of the car, brushing shoulders with Jim as you headed towards the Topaz HQ. You ran a hand through your hair, catching your reflection in a window as you passed, and you stopped to fix your smile, perfecting the look before heading in.

Dwight and Jim caught up to you, and the three of you rode up to the tenth floor in the elevator, Dwight still writing down your actions as you walked into Henry Jeffords office. You glanced at him to put the folder away, and Dwight complied with a frown as Jim started up conversation with Jeffords.

"Thank you for taking the time to meet with us today, Mr Jeffords. I suspect that life in the new position is rather hectic." Jim shook Jefford's hand and sat down beside ight, Y/N standing behind them, distancing herself from the situation. She was meant to be leading this, it was her client, Jim had only taken them on after he got back from Stamford. But she gave him and Dwight the floor, and the reason wasn't clear to Jim, making him a little annoyed.

"No a problem, gentlemen. I was planning to contact Dunder Mifflin this week anyway." Jeffords sat down as well, getting down to business. "We'll be removing ourselves from the Dunder Mifflin client pool by the end of the month." He spoke with a smile on his face, and Jim did his best to not respond with shock. Dwight looked over at Y/N, who nodded as the phone in her pocket started to vibrate. She quickly apologised to Jeffords, exiting the room.

"Can I use your phone?" Dwight asked, and Jeffords nodded, Jim clearing his throat and regaining his composure.

"Sir, Topaz has been with Dunder Mifflin for coming on five years now... Is this a problem with our service to your company?" Jim asked, and Jeffords sighed.

"1..." Dwight said loudly into the phone. "3. 7." music began to play softly through the phone speaker, but Jim ignored it, so Jeffords did the same.

"It's nothing personal, but it makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the bigger companies." He explained with a shrug, and Jim nodded along.

"It's true, we can't compete with larger companies when it comes to price." Jim sat back in his chair, letting out a soft 'yeah' as he did.

"And I know we've talked before Jim, and while the discounts you offer are good, I need to make cuts somewhere." Jeffords continued to explain, and Jim smiled.

"Can I ask you something?" Jim sat forward again, and Jeffords nodded. "How important is customer service to you here at Topaz?"

"Well, we're a direct to customer based company. Customer service is what we do." Jeffords smiled, and the phone spoke up.

"Thank you for your patience, we'll be with you shortly. Your call is very important to us."

"If I recall from your files, it's the reason you guys agreed to signing on with us in the first place." Jim smiled, pointing out the door. "Y/N signed you on as her first big client, she keeps a picture on her desk of your CEO and her at one of the Christmas parties." Jim lied through his teeth, but how would Jeffords know different? The machine spoke up again, thanking Dwight for his patience, and Dwight sighed.

"Right now, we're on hold with one of those big companies." Dwight informed Jeffords, and Jim pulled out his mobile.

"And this..." Jim spoke as he pulled out his business card and dialled the customer service number of Dunder Mifflin on the bottom. "Is Dunder Mifflin." He pressed to call, and the phone rang twice before picking up.

"Dunder Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly. How can I help you today?" Kelly answered the phone in her chipper voice.

"Hey Kelly, it's Jim."

"Oh my God Jim hi what's-" Jim shut his flip phone, ending the call. Jeffords couldn't help but smile, the wait music still playing through the speakers. Dwight stood from his chair, handing over his own business card to Jeffords.

"That card has my work, mobile, pager, and second pager numbers on it. I'm never sick, I have never missed a day of work, and I don't celebrate any holidays." Dwight informed, and Jeffords let out a chuckle.

"I get the picture. But I still have to make cuts, gentlemen."

"We have great discounts on recycled paper and laser point 3." Jim lifted a catalogue from his bag, placing it on the desk in front of Jeffords. "We can find you the best quality solution for the cheapest price we offer before that phone gets picked up." Jim promised, and Jeffords took the bet, letting the men pitch to him as the waiting music continued to play.

When Jim and Dwight walked out the building twenty minutes later, having kept the client and sorted a new contract with them for the next three years of paper supply, they found Y/N outside the building, ending a phone call.

You had been trying to get in touch with Jan for at least a week now, and this was the first time she had picked up the phone to talk. After ten minutes of back and forth about the branch and her asking for information on Michael, you had asked her about an email you sent, regarding a transfer to Rochester. It was a long shot, sure, but you wanted out of Scranton. Instead of being met with an answer, Jan started to complain about her job, about having to do everything for you, and you just took it. You had hoped that coming back home would mean more face time with Jan, a solid insider at Corporate, so you could be aware of promotions, make new contacts, but Jan had barely spoken to you for at least two months. You didn't want to press, but this was your out, to get away from the Scranton branch in an amicable way.

Instead, you ended the call with no clear answer, feeling worse when you saw the proud look on Dwight's face.

"We just saved your client. Negligence." Dwight taunted you, pulling out his pad and writing down another note on your performance. Jim fell into step with you as you all headed for the car.

"What happened today? This was your client." Jim asked, concern in his voice. You couldn't stomach it, knowing you had let him down, so you said nothing, walking quicker and getting yourself into the car. Jim followed, not saying a word, and you pulled out of the parking lot to head back to the office, Dwight nattering in your ear about proper conduct and behavioral issues.

—

"Dwight, go inside." You ordered, resting your head on the steering wheel. The car clock read 17.12, and you knew it would be only minutes before your colleagues started to leave.

"I don't work under you." Dwight argues, and Jim looked back with a glare.

"But you work under me. Out, now." Jim ordered, Dwight giving in with a few angry grumbles. Once he was through the front doors of the building, you and Jim looked at each other.

"I'll drive you home." You suggested. You had both brought you work bags out on call with you, there was no need to go back into the office.

"Yeah, sounds good." Jim sighed, and you pulled out of the parking lot once more, driving towards Jim's place. It had been months since you had been over to his house, for obvious reasons, and you started to wonder if you should have just left it, let the avoiding continue for a little longer.

"You just stopped talking to me, Jim. Out of nowhere." You spoke up, the silence of the car becoming too much.

"It wasn't out of nowhere." Jim corrected, and you exhaled through your nostrils, trying to keep calm.

"I apologised for what I did. Karen said it was fine... Karen is nicer to me than you are now, in fact." You said quickly, slowing down to take a turn. Jim shook his head in your peripheral vision.

"You just don't get it."

"What don't I get?" You snapped. "You don't even attempt to be friends anymore Jim! And had I known that a drunken kiss would have led to all of this..." you gulped. "I would have stayed in Europe. Taken the severance package..." You admitted. It was the truth. Had you known coming back meant losing your best friend, you wouldn't have done it. Never in a million, billion years.

"Focus on the road, Y/N." Jim muttered, and you let out a cold laugh, shaking your head in disbelief. He had the audacity to act like friends on call, and like this private? You pulled up to his house a few minutes later, parking the car and turning off the engine. Your arms folded, your foot tapping incessantly.

"I'm quitting." You finally said, Jim head snapping to look at you.

"What?"

"I can't work at Dunder Mifflin anymore..."

"You can't work at Dunder Mifflin or you can't work with me?" Jim asked, and you looked down, falling silent. It wasn't just him, you knew that. Your job had become worse by the week, with Jan going A-wall, Paul never listening to your advice... but you couldn't deny that Jim was a very large factor.

"We-we aren't even civil anymore Jim... And everyday I come in feeling like shit and I leave feeling worse because the one person who got me through that fucking job was you. And now I'm nothing, at all." You felt tears filling in your eyes, and you took a shaky breath.

"We can't be civil, Y/N." Jim said after a moment, running a hand through his hair.

"Why not? Why can't we just go back to how it all used to be before I fucked it all up?!"

"Y/N, please..."

"No, tell me!"

"No!"

"Tell me, Jim!"

"Because I kissed back!!" Jim shouted, and your heart skipped a beat. "I... I kissed you back Y/N. And every time I look at you I think about how I kissed you back and cheated on Karen and it tears me up inside because-" Jim paused, looking down, not quite sure if he could say his next thought out loud. You listened, and turned the engine back on. "What are you doing?"

"Going home."

"Y/N..."

"Jim, I'm sorry. And I want you to be happy. With Karen. So, go inside, call her up." You insisted, planting a smile on your face that hurt to put on. He felt guilty because he loved her, and suddenly your feelings of frustration with him vanished. You loved him, he loved Karen, and there was nothing to do about it.

Jim got out of the car, walking round to your window, gesturing for you to roll it down. You did.

"I want you to be happy... And for the next little while, you need to focus on you, and not our friendship. That's ok. I'll be ok." You assured him, and he took your hand in his, giving it a squeeze. He didn't know what to do, or to say.

You drove down the road, dialling Jan on your hands free, and when you got her voicemail, you sighed and took a breath.

"Jan, it's Y/N. I want to thank you so much for everything, but I won't be back at Dunder Mifflin tomorrow. I'm gone. I don't expect the severance package, I'm leaving because I need to. I'll ask Pam to pack up my desk for me." You said slowly and clearly into the phone, and you took a moment.

"Tell Michael I'm sorry."

Tags: @imsuperawkward @poppirocks @rosie2801 @onceuponahuntersrealm @aziggya

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hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger · 4 years

Link

I will respond to this. But in future I’m asking you and others not to send me things like this please.

“This month, Marvel Comics relaunched Amazing Spider-Man with a Nick Spencer as head writer, marking the end of Dan Slott's long run with the title and an end of the "Brand New Day" era of Spider-History.”

The problems start here. BND ended before Slott’s solo run began.

“ Spencer's run begins with a bit of a bang.

Well, about as much of a bang as you get from kissing the same person you've known for 50 years.”

This is a reductive and childish mentality towards romance and sex. It prioritizes the novelty and excitement of ‘new love’ (which is scientifically guaranteed to last like 2 years tops) over the deeper and ultimately more potent emotions attached to proper love, which in truth is kind of like friendship on steroids.

In this specific case it’s especially stupid as, putting aside fan reactions, the fact that Peter and Mj were back together after 10+ years was OBVIOUSLY going to be a shocking moment. A ‘bang’ if you will. This is like saying it wasn’t a moment of audience interest whenever Ross and Rachel seemingly got back together or when Monica and Chandler initially got together. They too had known one another for a long time, a roughly equivalent time for their character and Peter and MJ in-universe.

“This has come after Peter and Mary Jane have been apart for about a decade. This recent "surprise" get-back-to-gether is the same sort of "exciting development" that happens eventually after Marvel breaks a couple up, or kills someone in one of their books (See the Hulk, Jean Grey, Peter Parker during Superior Spider-Man, etc. etc. etc.) Peter and Mary Jane getting back together (apparently) is sort of a big deal.”

Yes. Because fans WANTED them to be back together.

Fans aren’t in this for the roller coaster of novelty. They don’t want Spidey or Superman to be with anyone OTHER than MJ or Lois. By the same token the majority do not want anyone other than Luthor or Joker to be Superman or Batman’s archenemies.

“See, in 2007 Marvel Comics made the bold decision to end the marriage between Spider-Man and his longtime wife, Mary Jane Watson.”

Watson Parker

It wasn’t bold it was asinine

How bold is it when it was the third such attempt to do that? “At the time, fans lost their shit.” And they are STILL angry about it. “You can't really blame them because the deed was done in the most asinine way. For some reason, divorce was out of the question. The alternative was somehow more awful. After Peter's Aunt May got shot in the bo-bo at the end of Civil War, Spider-Man literally made a deal with the devil to save her life.” WTF is a bo-bo? “What did this change exactly? Well, the events of Amazing Spider-Man Annual #21 didn't end in a marriage. So everything that happened after was still the same except Peter amd MJ were a common-law couple. Or something.” And MJ was never pregnant, and all the shit specifically related to their wedding rings, dress, photos, anniversary couldn’t have happened and given how to them marriage wasn’t a piece of paper then this would have massive ramifications for their relationship quite a part from the fact there would now be a massive sore spot in their relationship. “Anyway, like I said, a lot of longtime fans hated it.” No. MOST longtime fans hated it. And most SHORT time fans also hated it. And even many newer fans who jumped on-board after it hated it too. “You know, the audience they weren't trying to appeal to anymore.” Which was idiotic. You don’t try to gain a new audience by throwing away your old one. You try to retain the old audience and bring new people into the fold at the same time. Noticeably this happened in the 1990s. This failed to happen after OMD and it failed to happen with the Nu52 which was the OMD for the whole DC universe. The latter failed so badly they reverse rebooted many characters, Superman chief among them. Superman’s financial and critical reception increased when they brought back the OLD Superman who was married (and now a father to boot) and used him to replace the younger, single and hip Superman most people disliked. The OLD fans returned. Shockingly appealing to the old AND new fans is possible. “Still, they came up with a storyline that would be relatable to younger readers, and still be relevant to longtime readers as well”

It wasn’t a storyline it was an era

No. It absolutely wasn’t relatable or relevant to younger readers. I was 16-19 when BND was running. I was directly the demographic they were trying to appeal to. Let me tell you straight. Those stories were not relatable. At all. They weren’t relevant. At all. The PS4 game’s take? Now that shit was reltable but noticeably that version only takes plot concept from BND. The characterization of Peter is far more in line with his pre-OMD self and didn’t represent a regression of the character

Thousands of people became Spider-Man fans reading the marriage era Spidey comics. If it was so unrelatable how is that possible?

The stories were not relevant to the older audience at all because the whole purpose of BND was to basically ignore 90% of Spider-Man history between 1987-2007. And more importantly even the characteriation before then that they were trying to invoke was done incorrectly. The Spidey of BND was a systemically mischaracterizion of Spider-Man even if yu ignored OMD “The fiscal reasoning made sense, there were Spider-Man films that were out roping in a new generation kids who wouldn't relate to a married Spider-Man.”

There was a 5 season long TV show before those movies aimed directly at children. Kids got into Spidey through that and we didn’t care he was married. In fact he was married on the show

To 90s/2000s teens and tweens the struggles of Spidey in the 1994 cartoon and Raimi movies were not all that relatable. The male members of the cartoon audience were too young to be interested in romance and all the demographics were unlikely to relate to Peter’s financial struggles as they were too young to work. Even if they weren’t too young to work they wouldn’t have been the breadwinner of the household the way they might’ve been in the 1960s. By the 1990s and 2000s times had changed

Peter had become a MAN like halfway through the first Raimi movie and that wasn’t even the most popular or successful one. Spider-man 2, where Peter was distinctly an adult and grappling with adult problems, was

Kids have been unlikely to relate to Batman. In fact as times have changed it’s evident they infinitely prefer Batman to Robin, the character actually created specifically for them to relate to. Batman is at least as popular as Spider-Man, if not moreso

The MCU has made Iron Man and Black Panther (who kids could never truly relate to) and Captain America (whom few people regardless of age could ever relate to as he is almost a moral paragon) fan favourite characters. CLEARLY relatability is at best highly subjective and at worst not essential to making a character appealing

BND occurred after Spider-Man 3 where Peter wanted to marry Mary Jane. If anything the JMS era of Spidey where he was married to the main love interest from the movies and where Aunt May knew who he was would’ve been MORE synergetic with the movies of the time than what BND was “Also, times have changed. Fans freaked out that Spider-Man was no longer married and back to living at Aunt May's home? At the time Peter Parker was in his late 20s (Marvel Time).” No, at the time he was 30 years old. “If this is basically you in 2018, you had no reason to bitch about Brand New Day.” Get fucked. Fans had EVERY reason to bitch about BND back then AND now too. Putting aside how we got there (which would be reason enough) the stories themselves were objectively deplorable! “Looking back at the storyline 10 years after the fact,” It’s not a storyline. It was an era. “it's hard to understand what the big deal was.” It’s hard to understand mischaracterization, illogic, continuity contradictions, sexism, racism, juvenile writing, character deconstruction, borderline gaslighting of the fans, talking down to the audience, price gouging, inconsistent writing and art and just generally bad storytelling? “Because I secretly hate myself, I decided to read every Spider-Man comic published.” I somehow doubt that. Even if it’s true there is a massive difference between reading a story and understanding it. Dan Slott READ a lot of Spider-Man. He knew a lot of Spider-Facts. But he clearly never understood the character. He might KNOW MJ shut that door in ASM #122. But he absolutely doesn’t grasp it’s deeper meaning. “I started about a year ago, and I'm just hitting stories published in 2007. In retrospect, there are a lot of shitty Spider-Man stories. Some of them weren't as bad as they were made out to be (The Clone Saga, being one of them, surprisingly) One thing about the Peter/MJ marriage (which ran from 1987 to 2007) is you quickly realize their marriage was horrible.” Sure. If you are a bad literary analyst, sexist, crap at contextualization and apply a blunt criteria instead of nuance. If you don’t you get that there were ups and downs with the writing as would be expected of almost anything written across 20 years by multiple writers. “Especially for Mary Jane.” Oh cool, sexist it is then. “It wasn't good, it was a burden to telling good stories.” Kraven’s Last Hunt Sensational Spider-Man Annual 2007 Spider-Man Unlimited v3 #2 Story 2 Parallel Lives Anything by JMS involving MJ Revelations Spec #200 Spec #241-245 Sensational v2 #32 Marvel Knights: Spider-man #1-12 And many other stories I could name say otherwise genius. “This is because the writers involved at the time didn't seem to understand how a marriage works.”

JMS clearly did

DeMatteis clearly did

DeFalco clearly did

Sacasa clearly did

Peter David clearly did

Mark Millar clearly did

Even Bendis clearly did

Maybe it’s not how YOUR marriage works. But everyon’es marriage is a different “The marriage was, at best, an excuse for an instant damsel in distress situation,” Remember how the marriage was used as an instant damsel-in-distress situation in KLH? Remember how that was ALL it amounted to in the Eisner nominated Sensational Spider-Man Annual 2007? Remember how badly MJ was in need of rescuing in the Jonathan Caesar storyline? “or at worse a reason for Peter Parker to go on about how "lucky" he was to be married to a model/actress. Like Mary Jane was nothing more than a trophy to pride himself because he was such a fucking loser in high school.” Yes. Peter never argued with MJ. Peter never confided his concerns with MJ. MJ never alleviated his guilt. MJ never grew as a person from her horrible childhood issues through being married with Peter. MJ didn’t become more self-sacrificing due to Peter. Peter was never pushed to become more powerful by thoughts of his believed wife. They never helped one another through traumatic situations. “What I really want to stress here is, Peter and Mary Jane's marrage was awful.” Nah fam. YOUR analytical skills are awful. “Worst. Idea. Ever.” Nah fam. You writing this was the worst idea ever. Scratch that, me subjecting myself to this shit was the worst idea ever. “Can't take my word for it? Here are some reasons why: Mary Jane Had to Swat Away So Many Dicks” An attractive woman with a very public profile draws unwanted attention? How unrealistic! It’s terrible that such a thing would never happen in real life, real life being the baked into the core concept of Spider-Man. Why if it did it’d be a organic way to give MJ subplots and conflicts of her own to deal with that could impact upon Peter’s life by extension or something. “Almost from the start, Mary Jane had to fend off other men who were obsessed with her and didn't give a shit that she was married. That's not necessarily Peter's fault, but it really says a lot of the opinion towards female characters in comics at the time.” …how…? This happens in real life…A LOT! And what has ‘Peter’s fault’ got to do with this? It’s not even a statement that warrants a ‘necessarily’. What? If Peter was more ‘Alpha’ other men would know not to try it on with ‘his woman’ or something? Also, let’s properly contextualize things okay. Between 1987-2007 MJ was stalked by like 5 people. That’s once every 4 years if you average it out but 3/5 of them occurred in Michelinie’s run alone which is not the be all or end all of the marriage. Another one was for a single issue and the final one was actually obsessed with Peter and used MJ to get to him. I ain’t saying it didn’t get old but this guy is making it out to be something that was an annual event. “Sure, the idea of someone stalking an actress/model isn't outlandish, and a sad fact of the celebrity-driven reality we live in.” YOU DON’T SAY! And it doesn’t just apply to actresses or models btw. “However, the number of times this was used as a plot got a bit out of hand.” I agree. But 5 times across 20 years, when there was a 5 year gap between the third and fourth instances and a 5 year gap between the fourth and final instance (lasting for 1 issue and wasn’t even the main plot) is not reflective of anything. “That said because it's a Spider-Man comic book they couldn't just settle on a dumpy guy wearing sticky jogging pants. They had to kick it up a notch. With horrific implications for poor Mary Jane.” …yeeeeeeeeeeah? And? Stalkers are horrible. You want there to be tension and conflict so the threat of violence is absolutely justifiable. FFS, kraven the Hunter buried Spider-Man alive and Venom threatened to eat parts of him. And VENOM was Spidey’s stalker! “Jonathon Caesar An obsession so cliche, I'm surprised that nobody made a joke about his knife compensating for having a small dick.” Except circa 1989 it wasn’t cliché. At least not as far as a Spidey comic was concerned. If we are opening this up to ALL media then sure but then by that logic Gwen’s death and countless other stories would also be cliché wouldn’t they. “The first scum bag to enter Mary Jane's married life was Jonathon Caesar. He was a wealthy man with a lot of connections.” …Almost like Harvey Weinstein or something… “He helped Mary Jane get into the Bedford Towers condominium (which Caesar owned). His motivation? To kidnap a married woman and force her to live in a specially made trap room until she agreed to marry him. Spider-Man didn't even save the day! Mary Jane broke free on her own and the wall-crawler showed up in time to do the cleanup.” Holy shit. If anyone ever needed proof this doofus’s analytical skills weren’t there this is it. The Jonathan Caesar storyline was designed to be a subversion of the damsel-in-distress trope. The whole fucking POINT was that MJ saved herself instead of Spidey saving her! Jesus Christ how do you miss that. Not to mention how do you complain Caesar as a villain is cliché but then ALSO complain that the damsel-in-distress cliché wasn’t adhered to. “Caesar went to jail but he used his influence to ruin her modeling career and get her evicted from their home.” *coughWeinsteincough* “Not only that, but MJ's money got tied up in a lengthy legal battle, with no apparent end in sight. In fact the money mentioned here is never talked about again.” Er…yes it is. MJ ultimately settles in ASM #333 wiping out her savings. I’d have thought someone who read every Spider-Man comic book would have known that. “Caesar eventually got out of jail and continued to stalk Mary Jane.” Again, clearly hasn’t read every Spider-Man comic book and/or is a shitty analyst. Yes Caesar did this but he did this BEFORE MJ engaged him in a legal battle. “Her husband didn't do squat to stop it.” What was he supposed to do? Caesar was out legally and Peter couldn’t just kill or assault the guy. Threatening him would likely have helped Caesar’s legal case further, especially due to the public knowing about the association between Peter and Spidey. Touching Caesar would be like trying to get the Kingpin locked up. It’s extremely difficult for someone that rich and powerful. “He was too busy playing Spider-Man to help his own wife.” No. He was busy saving the lives of innocent people. He wasn’t doing this for fun, he is Spidey for the greater good. MJ knows that. MJ knew that she could ask Peter for help if she needed it and he’d come running. She made it clear she could handle it and like a good husband he respected her decision. It wasn’t like she was trying to reach him for help and he was distracted or actively ignored her. But you know, those disingenuous pieces of misinformation aren’t going to write themselves. Also the stories are a little ambiguous about this but there is a possible implication that MJ was keeping Peter somewhat in the dark about Caesar’s activities. “The only person who was interested in Mary Jane's safety was Officer Hal Goldman, who ended up shooting Caesar dead. Was Hal a super-cop detective that ate serial stalkers for lunch? Note really, see the thing about Hal.... Hal Goldman Let's follow up this sexist scene with the woman regretting her career choices. Very progressive.”

This bozo shouldn’t be lecturing people on what is and isn’t sexist

FFS OF COURSE someone in MJ’s position would be questioning her career choices. She’s just been stalked by 2 lunatics. But noticeably she doesn’t stop being an actress/model after this. The moment was a dash of comedy given the situation and nothing more. But you wouldn’t know that given how this guy is not bothering to use context or anything

How the Hell is MJ macing a stalker and then knocking him out sexist? “Hal Goldman wasn't actually a police officer. He was just a fat NYPD civilian desk clerk with a terrible bowl cut who had an unhealthy obsession with Mary Jane when she starred in a soap opera called "Secret Hospital". Although he was "investigating" Jonathan Ceasar's attempts to ruin Mary Jane's life again, he was also obsessed with protecting her from everyone who slighted her. He ran over an old woman who slapped MJ in the face, dropped a stage light on her director's head and tried to clobber Peter with a piece of concrete. However, this is an accurate depiction of how fan-boys react to things.” Remember how over 50% of fanboys threatened or actually inflicted violence upon people because of OMD? Neither do I. “When he guns down Caesar he professes his undying love to Mary Jane and admits to committing all the above crimes. Again, Peter is nowhere around,” Of course he’s nowhere around. Peter doesn’t constantly monitor MJ all day every day. You know…like a stalker. Fuck real life husbands don’t do this. Moreover if we bother to check the issue in question (ASM #339) some interesting details are presented to us. For starters MJ was only endangered due to trickery and bad luck. Caesar forced a co-star of MJ’s to handwrite a note and sign it asking for her to meet him at the set of Secret Hospital. Between the set being a relatively safe environment and the note checking out as legitimate due to the handwriting and signature, MJ had no reason to be suspicious. Peter absolutely intended to go with MJ but earlier that day had been doused with a chemical by the Sinister Six, the effects of which he was uncertain about. He got a call regarding the Six’s activities and the chemical so logically that would take priority over Mj merely meeting a co-star. MJ chose not to delay the meeting until Peter was available and go herself. Again neither she nor Peter had any reason to suspect foul play. So Peter’s absence was never due to neglect. It wasn’t even due to putting the duties of Spider-man before the needs of his wife. As far as either of them knew there was no danger. So again, distorting the facts. Classy. “so when she rejects him Officer Bowl Cut decides to do the old "if I can't have you, nobody will!" Routine. However, she sprayed him in the eyes with hairspray and clobbered him with a purse. You know just as you'd expect a strong female character to do.” Yes. That is exactly what I expect a female, or indeed any character, to do in that situation. Mary Jane had no real weapons. The story even specified that MJ tried to get a handgun but was still waiting on it. So she improvised and used whatever resources she had to hand. This is routine for Mary Jane both during and before the marriage. Using hairspray and a handbag, which are not obvious weapons but can nevertheless be repurposed for offence, was a perfectly legitimate technique for both the character and writer to employ. It’s almost like it makes her look smart, tough and resourceful for being able to think on her feet like that or something. Oh, and again. MJ is bad because she conforms to a cliché but is also bad because didn’t conform to the cliché of Spidey rescuing her which would’ve also been bad because the marriage is used to easily generate damsel-in-distress situations. This isn’t even a double standard it’s a TRIPLE standard. This jackoff has constructed his argument in such a way that Mary Jane/the marriage can NEVER win. “Jason Jerome This happened in 1990, consent hadn't been invented yet.”

Jason wasn’t a stalker strictly speaking

This storyline, bad as it was, was nevertheless handled very differently from the Jonathan Caesar arc because MJ at least was tempted to reciprocate feelings for Jason whilst she was repulsed by Caesar

YES. the concept of consent WASN’T very well taught back in the 1990s! What the hell is he point here? “Jason Jerome was an actor who thought he could seduce Mary Jane into having an affair with him. This came at a time when there were three monthly Spider-Man titles. This made for one busy wall-crawler. On top of fighting villains, he was also promoting a book and traveling the globe as a reporter. Needless to say, MJ was feeling more than a little neglected. This made Mary Jane susceptible to Jerome's advances. However, despite his best efforts, Mary Jane ended things before they had gone too far. To do so, she invited Jason to her apartment under the pretence of sex. Instead of getting balls deep, Jason Jerome found himself in a room plastered with photos of Peter and Mary Jane together, like inviting an obsessed man into your home without telling anyone is a smart idea.” Jason was not obsessed. He viewed MJ as a ‘conquest’ and from her POV was not dangerous like Caesar or Hal. Also IIRC this occurred after the incident with Hal, which meant MJ would likely have owned a handgun by this point. Even if she didn’t, she defeated Hal and Caesar and his guards when she was unprepared and improvising on the fly. Here she has had hours to prep and it’s literally in her home. If she suspected Jason to be dangerous (which he was not and had given her no reason to believe so) she was in a great position to handle him. “All the lamps and hairspray in the world cannot possibly stop this potentially becoming a bad situation.” A rich and powerful lunatic with a knife and armed guards outside got their ass beaten by MJ whilst she was improvising…on their home turf. A less rich, less powerful, unarmed man with no displays of mental instability or violence comes to MJ’s home turf on his own. So yes, if she was so inclined MJ could 100% rig up a trap with hairspray and a lamp or a fucking gun if she had one. “If this backfires, let's just hope he's into this sort of thing.” A necrophilia joke? How tasteful. “The Stalker "I said, I'm bored with sort of scenario. Can you try and change this up a bit?"”

Jason Jerome wasn’t stalking MJ

Yes the stalker was lame. Also this occurred around 9-10 years later

You know there is more to this relationship than the occasions when MJ was stalked FFS “The most unoriginal character created by Howard Mackie during his run.” His run when he was possibly dealing with serious health issues. Classy. “The Stalker follows a long tradition of Marvel characters whose names are obvious: The Prowler prowls,” Except he doesn’t do much prowling. He flits between retirement and active costumed work. And he’s not exactly a stalker of the night like Batman when he’s out of retirement. “the Watcher watches, and the Shocker finger blasts people.” Does this guy know what ‘shocking’ means? Blasting people isn’t shocking them. Electrocuting people = shocking people. Vibrating them doesn’t = shocking them. “So obviously, the Stalker was a stalker. Specifically, he stalked Mary Jane. The guy went to some insane lengths. He set off bombs and killed people. The whole time this was happening Peter was busy going out as Spider-Man.” YES. THAT’S HIS FUCKING JOB! Also, for the majority of the time Mj was being stalked she had kept Peter in the dark about the guy. Shortly after he finally did learn the truth he seemingly died. For sure he was kept away from her whilst she was being made a target, but

The 1970s Clone Saga

Spec Annual 1988

Smoke and Mirrors

Web #125

Maximum Clonage

Clone Conspiracy

“Each time he seems to forget the fact that a lunatic had cloned his dead girlfriend every time.”

Horseshit.

He KNEW the truth in every encounter following the first one. He didn’t fall for it on the third-sixth occasions but shockingly seeing your dead loved one (who died right in front of you) walking around alive is going to emotionally hurt you and dreadge up old wounds and old feelings.

Gerry Conway in Spec Annual 1988 directly addresses this by having Peter acknowledge that intellectually he knows Gwen to merely be a clone but emotionally he still feels towards her the same way as though she were the real Gwen.

It’s almost like Conway was a good writer not a HACK like the OP and so knows that in matters of the heart a realistic human being might let their sense of logic fly out the window.

If ONLY there had been a global sensation of a movie released months prior to ASM v5 #1 which demonstrated this aptly.

“Every time it made Peter confused and dug up old feelings. Which, naturally, made Mary Jane doubt the strength of their relationship.”

That literally happened twice. And she briefly doubted before thinking otherwise or been shown otherwise.

“With this many clones of the dead girlfriend, you'd figure he would have gotten used to it.”

Yes if he was an emotionless automaton. Or written by someone who knows jack about human emotions...like the OP…

“Instead of going to a shrink to process these feelings,”

Thus risking the anonymity that protects himself and his loved ones.

“Peter usually fell for the various manipulations that typically came from these convoluted cloning schemes and hit whoever was responsible.”

OBVIOUSLY he hit whoever was responsible. They were super villains, he was going to bring them to justice no matter what

Again, he fell for it the first time. But ONLY the first time. He was aware Gwen was a clone in every other encounter and never played along. Many of those instances weren’t even villains pulling a scheme but a situation Peter happened to mix himself up in. Spec Annual #8 had nothing to do with him as the High Evolutionary wanted to apprehend Gwen for his own purposes. Web #125 involved him discovering Gwen’s clone in the suburbs but no villain had planned on him doing that

“That Time Illegitimate Kids Showed Up

Gwen Stacy was always portrayed as a saintly woman cut down in the prime of her life.”

Except for all those times she absolutely wasn’t prior to her death; that’s not even counting AUs.

Saint Gwendolyn I, Holy Virgin Martyr Princess was a revisionist invention fabricated after her death to make her death more tragic in hindsight. It’s a pack of lies that doesn’t deserve to be paid attention to.

“That was until JMS wrote a Gwen Stacy story that was entirely fucked up.”

No. It was only partially fucked up because

Gwen was obviously not pregnant

MJ and Gwen didn’t care about Gwen’s kids

“In it, Peter learns that Gwen had an affair with Norman Osborn (the Green Goblin, AKA the guy who later murdered her) and got knocked up.”

They didn’t have an affair.

People seem to be misinformed on the definition of what the word ‘affair’ means. They use it as though it means ‘being unfaithful to your partner’. That is not the meaning of the term. An EXTRAMARITAL affair can mean that but a regular romantic/sexual affair doesn’t inherently mean there is any unfaithfulness occurring.

But it DOES have to be ongoing to some extent.

Gwen and Norman weren’t in any kind of on-going relationship. They had sex exactly once.

And during that time no unfaithfulness was occurring as Gwen was not with Peter at the time.

“Everyone apparently knew and kept it a secret.”

…er….no…I don’t know how you could even misread Sins Past to come to that conclusion.

The story is extremely explicit that Gwen and Norman kept their encounter and Gwen’s pregnancy a secret. MJ knew about it and told Peter years later. But there is nothing in the story even hinting that anyone else knew besides the three of them.

“During a point where Gwen and Peter were on the outs, she found out she was pregnant, left the country, and gave birth to the kids. These kids were then secreted away by Norman for years.

When Peter found about these kids (but not their origins) he assumed they were his kids, even though he later remembers that he and Gwen never had sex!!”

He never presumes they are his children. Again, great analytical skills there.

“What's worse, is after all was said and done, Peter later went to France to help out Gwen's daughter, who was her spitting image and the same biological age that Gwen was when Peter dated her (they aged fast, look it up) This was all an attempt to seduce Peter and he had to constantly remind himself that his feelings for her were wrong.”

It was absolutely not an attempt to seduce Peter. Sarah’s agenda only later evolved to entail that too but that wasn’t her original motive

In one of the all time best episodes of the Simpsons Homer was tempted by his co-worker Mindy. This occurred in spite of countless episodes demonstrating how much he loved Marge. Ultimately nothing more than a kiss was shared between them and he didn’t succumb to his temptations. In this scenario Peter is being confronted by someone who looks and to an extent acts identically to someone he loved and cruelly lost, someone who for a time he believed he might have a future with. This occurs not very long after he learns that his relationship with that person was at least partially a big lie as she was pregnant for most of their relationship and slept with his ultimate enemy. So he’s going to be incredibly emotionally vulnerable at this point. Sarah kissed him and he didn’t reciprocate at all. Peter if anything can be more forgiven his temptations than Homer was. And Homer was still forgivable as your actions are what ultimately matter. Peter not only acknowledged his feelings were wrong and coming from an emotionally confusing place but he never acted upon them either and reaffirmed his love for MJ when all was said and done. Much like Homer did to Marge after rejecting Mindy.

“Mary Jane had such a bad feeling about it, she travelled to France to check in on her hubby, and walked in on him while Gwen Jr. Was kissing Peter.”

Yeah. Because OOC writing exists dipshit. You don’t just take ANY given story as gospel FFS. What kind of pre-schooler level literary analysis is this?

“The fact that Peter was attracted to a 7 year old girl who only looked like she was in her early 20s because of a genetic disorder is super creepy.”

It is because see above about OOC writing. But by this logic the clones of Gwen were even younger. Sarah was mentally 7 but she looked just like an adult Gwen Stacy so obviously Peter’s emotions and attractions being confused is forgivable under the circumstances.

“So you can totally understand when Mary Jane was upset about that one.”

I’m genuinely shocked this clown was able to be so sympathetic towards MJ here.

“Somewhere, a divorce lawyer just got a huge erection.”

I’m sure he would have if only the story hadn’t ended by reaffirming Peter and MJ’s love for one another.

“It Wasn't Just the Dead Girlfriend, but her Extended Family

Before we get into more of the Stacy family, let's talk about the Watson family for a minute. Mary Jane came from a broken home. An alcoholic and abusive father led to her mother taking the kids and leaving. Although he mom died her sister had two kids and was abandoned by the father. Also, she has a cousin who has an eating disorder. In a lot of these cases, Peter Parker left his wife to deal with the family drama on her own.”

No.

Peter actively helped MJ when she asked him to in ASM #291-292.

He actively helped MJ’s friend who had a drug problem when MJ asked him to.

In the recent one shot Going Big Peter seeks out Kristy when she disappears…because MJ asked him to.

Peter respected MJ and her family and would’ve helped in any way he was able if MJ aske him to.

But between supporting their family, Aunt May and protecting the city because he’s a fucking super hero his time and abilities to help were limited. Oh and MJ didn’t ask him to.

She felt, not unjustifiably, that she could handle it. Often MJ wishes to leave Peter as unburdened as possible if she can handle a situation because his life is dangerous and stressful enough as is. But she knows he’s there to help if she needs it. And he would be there if she needed him.

It’ almost like they were MARRIED or something and divided up their duties appropriately or something.

This clown seems to treat ‘being Spider-Man’ as code for ‘have fun goofing off lulz’. It’s not. It’s a massive duty and higher purpose Peter takes incredibly seriously.

“Which is quite the slap in the face when he spent more time helping the Stacy family. Namely Gwen's cousins Paul and Jill and their dad.”

Because they were his friends, MJ’s friends and at times MJ asked him to help them. Peter didn’t even like spending time with them initially because they opened up old wounds for him. He had to put the work in to hang around them.

“When they appeared in Spider-Man stories in the late 90s, Mary Jane took a back seat to whatever problems the Stacy's were having.”

No she didn’t.

SOMETIMES the problems regarding the Stacy’s happened to be the A plot. Other times they happened to be the B plot. This happened more often than not in peter Parker: Spider-Man by Mackie. But there were FOUR Spider-titles at the time so that’s more than acceptable.

But Peter never helped the Stacy’s at the expense of Mary Jane, not unless there was a clear physical danger posed to their lives.

In Mackie/Byrne’s run MJ and Jill were endangered by the same incident and Peter prioritized saving MJ over Jill.

“You're still dealing with your miscarriage Mary Jane? Sorry, I got to talk Paul Stacy out of a hate group right now.”

Get fucked.

I’ve read PPSM #82-83 as well. In fact they were among my earliest ever comic books I re-read them several years ago.

This is yet another MASSIVE distortion of events.

Peter didn’t talk Paul out of a hate group (specifically the anti-mutant hate group the Friends of Humanity) at the expense of helping MJ deal with their miscarriage.

Peter and MJ were due to meet for a counselling session to talk about the miscarriage. However, Paul was being targeted by a mutant who literally told Peter she was going to murder him. Peter went to prevent that from happening but a bad bout of vertigo (brought on presumably by an encounter with Morbius the Living Vampire) caused Peter to cling to a wall, his life hanging in the balance.

That’s why he missed the therapy session that one time.

He wasn’t goofing off. He wasn’t lecturing Paul about why racism is bad m’kay. He was trying to save his life and then save his own life.

So a quintessential example of distorting the facts and removing things from context.

“Peter Shut Her Out of Every Existential Crisis”

No he didn’t. There were multiple times he questioned if he was doing the right thing, if he was making a difference, etc and talked to her about it

Even if he did shut her out that would be conflict which is what you fucking want in your dramatic story

WOW! Moments of intense mental/emotional strife involve people not acting in a healthy manner, including in regards to their romantic relationships?????? Who’d have THOUGHT!

“Not only were Mary Jane's problems put on a back burner, whenever Peter had a problem, he shut MJ out.”

MJ herself understood some of her problems had to be put on a back burner for the greater good that Spider-Man performed for the world at large.

And the times he shut her out amounted to…I don’t even know…maybe once just prior to the Clone Saga when he was grappling with intense grief and pain and was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Then just went ahead and had the mental breakdown.

“During their marriage, Peter had huge life-changing moments. The first was when his parents came back from the dead only to be revealed as impostors then his Aunt May suffered a life-threatening stroke.”

Yes. These were definitely the first life-changing moments that occurred after he married Mary Jane.

Being buried alive, encountering Venom, going back to school, his best friend turning to villainy and becoming a reserve Avenger certainly wouldn’t have been life changing at all.

“Spider-Man's answer? Give up on being Peter Parker and embracing the spider.”

I’ll take ‘What if grief and emotional trauma’ for 500 Alex!!!!!!!

Honest to Christ. The story makes everything clear as crystal. This is an entirely believable response to trauma, it’s just literalized because the person experiencing it lives a double life already and has super powers.

“The writers were probably going for dark and moody, but looking back at it, it was a lot of whining.”

He lived his whole life in the wake of losing his parents, then had those wounds reopened when he learned they were not dead, then gradually grew to love and trust them, was stabbed in the back by them, found out they were imposters and his parents had been dead after all, then saw them violently die right in front of him, then learned this was perpetuated by his best friend, then the woman who raised him had a stroke and fell into a coma.

That’s not WHINING, that’s an insane amount of grief and pain you fucking idiot.

No human being could cope with that amount of trauma and NOT express their pain in some form. This isn’t him complaining he missed a date or can’t get his studies done. This is his heart being ripped out and stomped on in front of him repeatedly!

“Also, he totally abandoned his wife. Which is a dick move. Hey Pete, she might be someone to support you through your recent loss.”

HE WAS HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN YOU DUMBASS!

NO ONE thinks clearly or logically when they are in that kind of emotional/mental distress. He was grieving the loss of THREE parents for fuck’s sake!

“Somewhere, a grief councilor just got a huge erection.”

This shithead clearly doesn’t know the meaning of the word grief.

“Then came the Clone Saga where Peter was convinced he was actually a clone of the real Spider-Man. He was too wrapped up on the fact that his past was potentially a lie that he couldn't see the good things in his life. He was married. Had a child on the way. None of this registered with him because of all the clones around putting his past into question.”

Peter Parker’s belief system was that a clone is NOT a real human being, it is a creature that is less than human and that in being a clone you have no real identity or right to life, you are just a freak. MJ echoes these sentiments in ASM #400.

Ben Reilly, who had all of Peter’s memories became distraught upon learning he was a clone. That occurred circa 1975 when Peter was approximately 22 years old and hadn’t finished college yet. Ben literally grieved for himself and that the memories in his head were a pretense, a life that was not his. He contemplated killing Peter and taking his life. He became borderline suicidal and anti-social. This went on for years during which he pushed himself to the very edge self-destructively.

Putting aside how the original intent was for Ben to be the REAL Peter Parker, Ben’s behaviours display what a dark and dangerous place Peter could’ve gone to had he been in Ben’s position.

The intent of the Jackal and Norman Osborn in orchestrating the Clone Saga was to shatter Peter’s sense of identity. The Jackal wanted to do that in 1975 with a 22 year old Peter. Norman however knew the blow would hurt Peter much more when he had more to lose and so delayed it until 1995 when Peter would’ve been about 27 years old, had more of a career, longer and deeper connections to his loved ones, a wife and a baby on the way.

When he finally pulled the trigger Peter had also only recently recovered from a terrible mental breakdown, lost Aunt May, been falsely accused of murder, had his sense of identity further damaged by yet more clones of himself appearing and learned that he and MJ’s baby might have serious health problems if he was a clone.

In fact MJ’s first reaction upon learning Peter was a clone was to grip her tummy and express concern for her baby. And remember she directly told him a clone isn’t a real person.

When put in context this caused Peter to have a SECOND mental breakdown. Entirely UNDERSTANDABLY!

This wasn’t a case of appreciating all he had because from his point of view being a clone meant he’d LOST all that. That he COULDN’T have that because he was less than human and not the real person that life belonged to.

If BEN reacted that way when he believed he was a clone then logically OF COURSE Peter was going to take it much, much, much worse.

“It should also be pointed out that during this period, Mary Jane's life was at risk and she was being stalked, again. This time by a clone. However, Peter was once again nowhere to be seen.”

Oh my fucking…HE HAD BEEN ARRESTED!

He wasn’t around because he was literally incarcerated in prison. Breaking out risked exposing his identity and thus endangering MJ and the baby. He also didn’t KNOW she was being stalked. When he found out in ASM #401 he broke out of jail and sought to find her. Later when Ben offered to take his place in jail Peter went on the hunt for MJ’s stalker, his clone Kaine whom he ALSO suspected as the guy who framed him.

Gee, proactively seeking out the guy threatening your wife and who might’ve framed you?

What a shitty husband, it’s not like that’s an entirely practical consideration to take or anything.

“In Heindsight...”

Oh this outta be good

“I could go over every other moment where Peter treated his wife like crap,”

Except he rarely did and the examples you’ve brought up do not hold up to scrutiny in the slightest because you are a clown show of an analyst.

“but those are the huge ones.”

No they aren’t, see above.

“Looking back at the upset of 2007, it's clear that anyone who got mad didn't actually read any of the stories written while Peter and Mary Jane were married.”

That’s so very rich coming from this dipshit, see above.

“Even then, over the past decade there has been a plethora of great Spider-Man stories.”

That’s true.

Agent Venom by Rick Remender

Carnage Family Feud

Carnage USA

Half of Scarlet Spider by Chris Yost

Bits of Ben Reilly: Scarlet Spider by Peter David

AXIS Hobgoblin

AXIS Carnage

Carnage by Gerry Conway

Silk by Robbie Thompson

Superior Foes of Spider-Man

ASM: Renew Your Vows

The issue where Flash Thompson lost his legs

The story regarding the Rhino and his girlfriend

Spider-Man 2099 by Peter David

Notice how none of that stuff focuses upon 616 Peter Parker.

Because between 2008-2018 there were no good stories focussing upon 616 Peter Parker.

At best there were mediocre stories focussing upon the pathetic man-child that was Spider-Man in name only.

“In fact, I'd even argue that Dan Slott's run on Spider-Man has contained some of the best Spider-Man stories of the past two decades.”

And you’d just further confirm yourself to be a moron who doesn’t have the first warm shit of a clue about how to analyse stories if you did.

“I can't think or a stellar Spider-Man run past 198 until Slott's run.”

ASM by JMS+Romita Junior

Sensational by Sacasa

Spec by DeMatteis+Buscema

Spec by DeMatteis+Ross

Marvel Knights by Mark Millar

Bits of Peter Parker: Spider-Man by Paul Jenkins

Hypothetically though let’s say they weren’t stellar.

They would still be OBJECTIVELY better than Dan Slott. Like who’s mothers did Michelinie, DeFalco or any of the above guys murder for you to claim Slott was better than them.

None of those guys:

Had Peter become a paparazzi photographer

Had Aunt May claim she was disappointed in Peter for not supporting her the night Uncle Ben died

Had Doc Ock try to rape Mary Jane

Created a clear cut Mary Sue to upstage Spidey in his own book

Turned Spider-Man into Diet Iron Man

Killed off a Ditko-era character for no other reason beyond a shock death. Except Mark Millar but the character was extremely minor

“Next to JMS' run, Slott has been the best Spider-Man writer in decades.”

Again, notice how he CONVENIENTLY neglected to bring up stuff from the JMS run when MJ and the marriage was written the best.

His criteria for judging MJ literally JUST included:

ASM by Michelinie run from 1989-1994

ASM by DeMatteis in 1994

Conway’s Spec/Web runs from 1988-1989

Spec #226 by DeFalco in 1995

Mackie’s PPSM run from 1997

The Mackie/Byrne run from 1999-2001

That was it.

He stated the marriage lasted between 1987-2007 but his analysis halted at 2001. He’s leaving out 6 goddam years worth of material in addition to ALL the other material he conveniently ignored before then.

“Where to Go From Here?

That raises some interesting questions. Will Peter and Mary Jane tie the knot again? It seems like Marvel is marrying characters off again (Colossus and Kitty Pryde as well as Gambit and Rogue) so that's promising.

Another is the promising thing is that the alternate reality series Renew Your Vows has been doing very well.

The last point is the main reason why they nixed the marriage to begin with: Needing a Spider-Man younger readers can relate with.”

The main reason they nixed it was because Quesada was butthurt Gwen died in 1973 and that MJ got to marry him instead.

“For the past number of years they have been promoting the hell out of Miles Morales, the "Ultimate" Spider-Man. They have been grooming him to be the young Spidey that they want for younger fans.”

Maybe don’t use the term ‘grooming’ in the context of a teenage character there buddy.

“While that doesn't mean Peter and MJ are destined to get married again, hopefully they will allow Peter to at least grow up a little.”

I see.

Marriage = bad because it makes him unrelatable to the kids. But also this dipshit wants Peter to ‘grow up a little’…which is what he had done by marrying MJ in the first place.

“However, let me say this: Doing what's expected doesn't necessarily make for a good story, it's the unexpected.”

Why don’t you ask Star Wars and Game of Thrones fans what they think about that buddy?

“That's what made Slott's run on Spider-Man so great.”

That’s true. Nobody expected Slott would have Doc Ock masturbate in Peter’s body. Nobody expected him to drag out our suffering for as long as he did. Nobody expected he’d invoke such a juvenile idea as Norman Osborn becoming carnage.

“Let's hope Nick Spencer continues that tradition.’

Fuck the unexpected. Just give me competency.

#Spider-Man #mjwatsonedit #Mary Jane Watson #mj watson #Mary Jane Watson Parker #Peter Parker #ben Reilly #Brand New Day #Dan Slott #Clone Saga #submission

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uchiha-sensei · 4 years

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So, now that my work has been cancelled by the new virus epidemic, I’m gonna catch up on my mutuals asking games. Here we go.

people I’d like to know better

I was tagged by the wonderful @neverfindmegone. Go follow her, guys, she makes the best content!! Oh, thanks for tagging me!

Birthday: January 23rd

Zodiac: Aquarius

Height: 1.60 cm dont know the american system

Last song listened to: Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue) by Hozier

Hobbies: watching shows/anime, listening to music, reading, rpg posting (tho i almost dont have time anymore), cooking i guess

Last movie you watched: The Orphanage (2007) would be the “new” one (in the sense I’ve never watched it before), but if I’m been honest it’s the rewatch of Hannah Montana and beginning of Camp Rock, bc my friends are nostalgic bitches and dragged me to it. I gave up fast tho aldnsbdbbns

Dream job: as some twitter post around here said, i don’t dream about labor. Like, really. But if you asked what I’d like to do: realistically, work for an international organization, such as ONU or similar; unrealistically be a billionaire for no reason whatsoever and walk around giving poor people money and resources (that’s not a job, but hey, it’s unrealistic)

Meaning behind url: when I was young I used to be a little bitch, like really annoying and w a superiority complex. That’s over, thankfully, but when I was thinking about it, I always remember how my 5th grade teacher called me “miss arrogant” in a really spiteful way aljdnajdnbsand, so I decided to try something along those lines. Unfortunaly the “missevil” version without hyphen was taken so I had to add it. (pearhaps I should change to missarrogant? whaddyall think?)

Tagging: @nooowestayandgetcaught, @qvveena, @sarahsjeffery, anyone else who wants to do it!

#ask games #tagged in #i missed doing those tbh

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kuiperblog · 5 years

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Soundcloud might be the last cool place on the internet

I recently found myself thinking, “You know, out of all of the platforms that are built on user-generated content, Soundcloud is the last one that feels cool.”

This is kind of a gripe about an issue typified by Youtube, which is the ultimate example of a platform where people slavishly produce content fitting the mold of what (they think) the algorithm demands. Like, I understand that the quality and consistency of content on Youtube in 2019 is undeniably higher than it was back in 2007 in the era of Youtube poops and jump-cut vlogs, but over time it feels like there’s a certain kind of creativity that just isn’t allowed to surface on Youtube anymore. Youtube used to feel cool and indie, like it was on the frontier, and as the experience became more and more “optimized,” that got squeezed out of it.

I’ve seen the same thing happen to different platforms to varying degrees. But Soundcloud still feels cool and weird in all of the best ways. I’m not even sure how to describe my “browsing habits” on Soundcloud, it just feels like the only place where, without any real deliberate digging, I can find a deluge of content that is both exactly to my liking and also completely novel. And not “novel” as in “new to me,” but as in “this track has less than 1000 plays, but due to my weirdly eclectic taste, hearing it is maybe the best thing to happen to me all day.”

I’ve been trying to puzzle through why that is.

Is it something about the content that gets posted to Soundcloud and the people who make it? It could be. Youtube seems to attract people with dreams of becoming a professional Youtuber, and also people who are clout-hungry, wanting to turn their “personality” into a product. From what I can tell, it’s basically impossible to make money on Soundcloud, and in the corner of the platform that I’ve dug myself into, it doesn’t feel like it’s the kind of thing that would appeal to someone lusting for clout. Like, obviously everyone wants attention, but people don’t aspire to be a “famous Soundcloud rapper,” they want to be a famous rapper. (Whereas there are actually kids who aspire to be “Youtubers.”) Soundcloud is not the end game, unless your only end game is sharing the weird tunes you cooked up in your bedroom with the world. It feels a lot like Youtube circa 2007, or Newgrounds circa 2003: a place where you can become “internet famous” in the way that Egoraptor the flash cartoonist was internet famous (as opposed to the way that Arin Hanson the Game Grump is currently internet famous). The attitude seems to be one of, “Look what I made!” rather than “Look at me!”

Is it something in particular about music? It could just be that it’s easier for me to complain about a crappy Youtube video than a mediocre track because the Youtube video demands your full attention, whereas the track could pass in one ear and out the other while I’m immersed in some engrossing task, and there are certain moods where basically all I want is a rhythmic beat in my ears, whereas Youtube videos should delight or entertain or inform (or all of the above simultaneously). Also, a lot of the music I listen to is basically made by one person.

Related to both of the above, there’s something about the Matthew Principle which comes into play with something like Youtube, where the site is constantly trying to get me to watch celebrities on Jimmy Fallon and trailers for blockbuster movies and music videos for the most popular songs in the world, because this is what other people are into, and I often find myself clicking on this because as generic and middling as it is, it’s also clearly a class above a lot of the content on Youtube in terms of production value. You can tell the difference between a Youtube that was made by a team of 10 people versus made by one person in their bedroom, and even if the solo act is more creative or authentic or “pure,” it’s easier for the team to assemble something that feels like a “superior product.” I’m not so sure the same thing is true of music: does the song that was engineered in a lab really sound “higher fidelity” than a mashup made by a disciple of Isosine working with nothing but a Macbook?

Another thing that Soundcloud has going for it is that you can “repost” tracks, in the same way that you would “retweet” on twitter or “reblog” on tumbr. When you follow a creator on Soundcloud, you’re not only seeing their content, you’re seeing all content that they see fit to repost, which tends to be similar to their content most of the time, so there’s a lot of user-curation going on. I occasionally see the community tab on Youtube used the same way (people making a post to say, “Hey, check out this cool video that my friend posted” or “I just appeared in a video on this other channel, go check it out”) but it’s not part of the platform’s DNA like it seems to be on Soundcloud.

It could be any of these things. But I also find myself wondering if Soundcloud, despite feeling like the most indie, least algorithmic site that still has a soul, might actually be better on the back of its recommendation engine.

See, there’s a problem with Youtube’s algorithm, which is that for all of the data they gather and analytics they perform, it has a tough time identifying good content. It can easily identify engaging content, but content can be engaging for a lot of reasons: maybe the content is engaging because it makes you mad (and so if you watch a single clip of Ben Shapiro or Steven Crowder you will see nothing but their faces on your Youtube recommendations page for days, and it feels like there is an entire genre of Youtube channel that can be best described as “outrage merchant”). Maybe the content is “engaging” because the video creator gave you a clickbait headline that made you ask a question, and managed to construct the video in such a way that every sentence makes you feel like you’re almost on the verge of getting what you clicked the video for, and 8 minutes later you’ve realized you’ve been watching a barely-competent video in hopes of it delivering on a promise that never fulfilled. (This video will be objectively more engaging than a video that just gives you want it promised up front, meaning that optimizing for engagement makes the content of the platform objectively worse!) The like/dislike bar should help in theory, but “like” can mean either “this is the best video I have ever seen” or “this video is uninteresting but I agree with this person’s opinion and want to reward them for having the right opinion.” Also, the fact that “calls to action” (smash that like button, remember to subscribe) are objectively shown to lead to higher engagement (despite subjectively making the content worse) sort of expose the problem inherent in Youtube metrics.

Fundamentally, the problem that Youtube seems to struggle with is that it’s really hard to reward exceptionally good content, because once you’ve watched the entire video, liked it, and left an encouraging comment, what else is there to do? How is a robot supposed to distinguish my response to a 7/10 video from my response to a 10/10 video? Or even a crappy video that I watched to completion despite the fact that it was crappy?

Soundcloud doesn’t have this problem. When people listen to a song and like it, they don’t just listen to it once. They listen to it multiple times. Dozens of times. When I really like a song, it’s possible for me to reward that song in a way that makes a robot recognize, “Hey, this person really likes this song.” And I’m not even consciously rewarding it; though I will sometimes hit the “like” button, when I re-listen to a song (either by manually pulling it up, or by putting it on a playlist which ensures that I’ll hear it at least once a week), I’m doing that selfishly, for me. I don’t need to hear a person’s voice saying “Remember to add this song to your work playlist,” I do that by myself. And the “repost” function also allows people with followings on Soundcloud to reward good content by making it appear on their followers’ timelines. (These power users also tend to be the people who have some modicum of taste, or at the very least people who are plugged into the interests of the platform with an understanding of what people enjoy.)

Regardless of how it’s happened, it’s still kind of wild that Soundcloud manages to score higher than almost any platform across all of my personal metrics: how unique and novel the content is, the median quality level of the content that’s automatically served to me, the infrequency with which I encounter low-quality content, how often it makes feel “this piece of content is my new favorite thing,” and just about anything I’d correlate with overall goodness and enjoyment. I’m increasingly of the opinion that Soundcloud might be my favorite part of the Internet.

#soundcloud #youtube

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pleaseburnthisblogafterreading · 7 years

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EPIC RAP BATTLES OF VILLAINOUS

(this is literally the worst thing i’ve ever written, but it’s so funny and heck, i love @infiniteslug / @brokevillainous that I could NOT pass up writing another story for them. So... yeah. Introducing the story, Epic Rap Battles of Villainous. Enjoy, my VIBs)

Broke Hat was quite upset at what Demencia had made him do.

Of course, he wasn’t surprised by the fact that Demencia had run away in the middle of the night to go and join one of… ugh, Party Hat’s raves. She was exactly the kind of demographic that they would invite: a young, attractive woman just looking for some fun. Ew, even the thought of those words disgusted him, and a dark grimace fell over his face. He would’ve loved to end the party with a little surprise, but this stupid inhibitor that Flug insisted he wear at all times kept him from fulfilling his dreams of stopping the parties once and for all. And besides, Flug would most likely frown upon it, anyway. Stupid mortal, and his stupid morality and ethics.

“One person. At least,” he had asked, even though he shouldn’t have been pleading with someone as insignificant as… Well, not insignificant anymore, he supposed. It was right in the name, significant other. However, he was still the superior, still the dominant, still Black Hat!

“No. I already told you once, and I won’t tell you again. You cannot murder anyone tonight,” Flug had said, grabbing a windbreaker that he had bought from the local Goodwill with some of the extra tips he had received. It was even in the style of a bomber jacket, which to be honest, Flug thought was amazing. Anything having to do with airplanes and flight was always a plus side, and it even had little patches on it. Demencia had made fun of him for loving it so much, but he couldn’t care less. It was a small comfort in this unforgiving world, and he wasn’t going to give it up just because some people didn’t appreciate it as much as he did. However, what he could care less about, though shouldn’t, was still staring at him with a grimace, Broke Hat’s version of puppy dog eyes. Flug sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose in annoyance. “Look, we have to keep a low profile,” he continued, grabbing an extra paper bag and some goggles to conceal his identity from the rest of the world. Broke Hat scoffed at that, crossing his arms and cocking an eyebrow, jutting out a hip. “And you’re going to keep a low profile with a paper bag on your head and goggles? Ha, don’t make me laugh.” he said, pulling off a rather sassy pose for an eldritch abomination that took over the world twice and only gave it back because he was bored.

Flug opened his mouth to argue, before hesitating. He was a scientist. He had not one, not two, but four Ph.D.s, and he couldn’t even come up with a clever retort to his monster boyfriend? Unacceptable. He shut his mouth, though, and just motioned for him to follow. Broke Hat growled at that, narrowing his eyes as he reluctantly followed his boyfriend out of the apartment. “Why do I have to come, anyway,” he asked, annoyance clear in his voice. “Why can’t I just stay at home? We did get that lovely gift of Dreamworks movies, and I would hate to see them go to waste.”

Flug had to take a deep breath to not lose his mind at that. He had worked an eight hour shift that day, only getting one, count that ONE fifteen minute break, spending the rest of that time on his feet getting harassed by upset customers, only to find that Broke Hat had just allowed Demencia to run off and join what may well be a circus because he was too busy watching the fucking Bee Movie?! Not even with little notice, she explicitly said she was going “out,” whilst forcing a huge sum of cash into her purse, and Broke had just let her leave?!

“It was engrossing, and disgusting and pitiful, and whoever this Seinfeld human is should be ashamed,” he had said when explaining what had happened before Flug had gotten home, holding up the box the movie came in, before a slow realization washed over his face. “Bee… Movie… Oh my Satan it’s because they’re bees, isn’t it?”

Flug face palmed.

It wasn’t even a full copy, it was a bootleg someone had recorded while they were in the theaters! Why someone in their right mind would still have a bootleg copy of The Bee Movie ten years later was a mystery to him, and one that he was not willing to solve. Ever. He wondered if the rest of the movies they had received were also bootlegs, but he wasn’t willing to figure that out, either. They had a mission to accomplish, and whether they wanted to or not, it was getting done.

“Because you lost her, and she’s your friend,” Flug said, opening the door to let the other out. Broke Hat followed, grumbling something under his breath. “Friend is a strong term,” he muttered like the petulant child he was, stomping out of the apartment in a huff before kicking at a can that lay in the middle of the hallway. Luckily, nobody seemed to notice the noise, even though it was twelve in the morning, but if Broke kept this behavior up, they’d definitely get an eviction notice sooner, rather than later. “And I did not lose her. I simply misplaced her,” he continued, waving his hand dismissively as if he hadn’t lost a human being with fucking lizard powers.

Luckily, since they lived in the middle of a bustling city, it wasn’t too hard to find transportation at this time of night. However, that did not stop Broke Hat from grumbling the entire way to the bus stop about how he had bigger fish to fry, more irons in the fire, and just really, really didn’t want to go to Party Hat’s house. “Well, I don’t want to go either, but look where we are. We’ve lost our only other means of income, plus my entire tip jar, and if I have to take a day off or something, it’s not going to be good for any of us. Maybe if someone hadn’t been so busy, we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

That shut Broke up.

The rest of the trip was made in relative silence. Flug was just sitting there, hands in his pocket with his head down and trying not to fume, but failing miserably, while Broke Hat just looked out the window, wondering how something so awful, so heinous, could be made by a human being. He would need to find more information on this crime against the universe when he got home, but for now, his analysis of the film would have to do.

“Flug.”

“What is it?”

“Have you… Have you ever seen the movie? The movie I showed you?”

Flug let out a sigh, putting an arm over his face as he leaned back even further. He did not need this in his life right now. “Yes, Broke. I’ve seen the Bee Movie starring Jerry Seinfeld, made in 2007. Why do you ask?” He glanced at Broke Hat.

“Why? Why is it so awful,” the other, his other, asked, narrowed eye laced with confusion. “How could humans think it was such a good idea to make a bee and a human fall in love? Isn’t that bestiality?”

“Beestiality,” Flug muttered under his breath, crossing his arms as he tried to avoid the conversation, before realizing what he had said.

Broke Hat seemed to have caught the pun before Flug could take it back, and stared at him as if he had just said, or even thought, of a verse from the Holy Bible. “What did you just say,” Broke Hat asked, eye as wide as a saucer. “Can you repeat that?”

“It was nothing, and this conversation is over.”

“Flug-” “OVER!”

They sat in a bit more silence after that, until the sound of blaring music could be heard, and the two men groaned, slumping back in their seats. Electronic dance music? And, for Broke Hat anyway, the smell of sweat and glow sticks? It could only mean one thing: Their stop was coming soon. And sure enough, on the sidewalk, over the top of the hill, lights could be seen flashing into the sky, as the music got louder and louder, coming to a crescendo when they finally reached the top.

There sat the weirdest looking house Flug had ever seen, and that was really saying something, considering his previous workplace had been a giant top hat with six floors, over sixty different rooms that shifted from location to location at random intervals, and an airplane crashed into the side of it. Sure, that last part may have been his fault, but it was still strange that nobody thought to clean it up. Broke Hat was usually a stickler for making sure everything was perfect, especially anything that was associated with him, so it was a wonder that it was still there, even to this day.

That didn’t matter right now, though. What mattered was getting Flug’s entire tip jar back, even if it meant travelling to the pits of Hell itself to do so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first thing Flug noticed was that Jesus Christ, the music was loud. And not just loud like a rock concert, loud to the point that it was near deafening. And they were only outside! How anyone could survive being in there twenty four seven was a mystery to the both of them. This was probably why that DJ Glug guy only spoke in sign language most of the time. Flug wondered if they had ever actually heard him say anything, but couldn’t think of a time where that had actually happened.

“ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME,” Broke Hat shouted over the music, Flug shaking his head to rid himself of the thoughts. Broke Hat took this as a no.

“Goddammit, Flug! How are we going to get back our idiot if you won’t even pay attention?! I will repeat myself one more time, and only one, so you better be paying attention or else!” Flug knew he didn’t mean the insult, or the threat, but still nodded and went along with it. It was Broke Hat’s only way of showing much emotion around other people, his only solace in life, and Flug wasn’t going to try to take it away from him. It would be like taking a security blanket from a baby. A large, demonic, aggressive baby.

“We go in, right? I start going after people, while you… You do whatever. I couldn’t care less, really.” Broke Hat made a dismissive hand motion.

“We’re not doing that,” Flug said, head in his hands as the music pierced his eardrums. He really wished he had salvaged the noise cancelling headphones he had kept in the lab during long days where Demencia would do nothing but play her guitar, and Black Hat was nowhere to be seen. Those days were long gone, sure, but the thought of having those cushiony pillows for your ears was one that he didn’t want to pass up. Back to the topic at hand, though. He thought for a second, placing a hand on his chin, before coming up with an idea that just might work. “How about we both sneak in, find Demencia, and sneak back out before anyone can notice us.”

Broke Hat pondered the plan for a few seconds, rubbing his temples before letting out a reluctant sigh. “Fine. But I’m not following this plan because I want to. Only because it seems smart enough,” he said with a grimace, crossing his arms and pouting. Flug rolled his eyes with a soft smile, before wrapping an arm around him and pulling him close.

“I know you’re worried about Demencia.”

“I’m not.”

“And I know how much you want her back.”

“I really don’t.”

“But we’re going to get her, and it won’t be that much of a hassle,” Flug finished, giving Broke Hat a quick peck on the cheek. This caused Broke to stand up and stomp towards the upside down top hat that acted as the main base of operations for Party Hat.

The thing that hit them hardest when they entered the building, for Flug, was the sound. He couldn’t even hear his own thoughts in here, let alone anything that the other man was saying. Luckily for him, Broke Hat wasn’t actually speaking. He was much too focused on the smell of the place: it reeked of half drunk glow sticks, sugar, vodka, and sweat, and the combination of the smells just made him want to puke up all of his internal organs, necessary or otherwise.

He forced himself to refrain, though. Knowing Party Hat, if he caught even the slightest whiff of either of them, it would not be good for anybody. Especially not Broke. He didn’t want to deal with that child he was forced to call his brother. He just needed to get Demencia, make sure all of the money was accounted for, and skedaddle befor-

A raised hand signalled for the music to cease, and the duo froze, all eyes on the both of them as a spotlight shone down on them, before a voice, effeminate and rather sassy sounding, rang through the crowd. “Why, what a pleasant, but unexpected surprise~!”

Dammit!

Broke Hat let a growl escape his lips, while Flug just stood stock still, arms firmly at his side and hands balled into fists. They just needed to grab Demencia, and get out. Maybe it would be easy! All they had to do was ask for Demencia back, and then they left, and never came back. Of course, Demencia would be grounded as soon as they got back, but he wasn’t going to let her go out after all the shit she was putting them through.

A dark gray skinned being slowly floated down from the ceiling, laying on his stomach upon a red silk padded bed held up by nothing, propelled by nothing, purple suit glowing under the blacklight of the house along with the neon green ribbon that decorated his hat. Seriously, did they have any other sort of lighting? And besides, Flug had a strong feeling that being surrounded by blacklight all the time was probably bad for you in so many ways, but he wasn’t thinking about that right now. Science and the like could wait. Right now, what they needed was diplomacy, and to keep Broke Hat from trying to murder everyone in a fifty foot radius.

The demon known as Party Hat soon flipped onto his back, so he could jump off the bed and float gracefully to the ground at the other end of the room, surprisingly stable for someone who was wearing platform heels, before taking the microphone from the hands of DJ Glug with a flourish. “I see we have two VIB’s tonight! Can we all give them a round of applause?”

“VIB’s,” Flug asked before he could stop himself, immediately regretting his decision when a bunch of giant screens descended from the ceiling, displaying white impact font on a background of pictures of their faces, some horribly photoshopped so they were in the same room and smiling at the same time, and each word separated by an explosion or some other stupid special effect.

VERY IMPORTANT BITCHES

That addition of the screens was met with applause and whooping from all of the visitors in attendance, much to the chagrin of Broke Hat and company, Flug looking in horrified embarrassment at said screens while Broke Hat just glared at his cousin, who was of course cackling whilst he float on his back. “Look, you have my idiot, and I would very much appreciate if you would give her back,” Broke Hat snarled, before Flug could stop him. However, Flug did manage to calm him slightly by taking his hand into his own, the effect being mutual for both parties.

“What he means to say,” Flug said, voice cracking before he cleared his throat. At least someone was trying to keep some form of peace between the two cousins, Broke Hat glaring at Party Hat, while Party Hat and DJ Glug just looked amused. “What we mean, is that we believe that one of our friends-”

“I believe the term is acquaintance, Flug,” Broke rasped, but squeezed the other’s hand.

Flug sighed, deciding to relent on this one occasion. “Our acquaintance may have run off to be here, and we really need to get her back. She has something that belongs to me… us. Belongs to us.”

“Oh,” Party Hat questioned, seeming to ponder over the question a little bit before realization dawned on him. “Oh! I think you mean my daughter!” He tittered at that, watching with a strange gleeful look as the jaws of the others fell almost to the ground.

Broke Hat composed himself first. “No, we mean our idiot, and if you would kindly show us where she is, we will be on our way,” he corrected, about to begin walking when all of a sudden, Party Hat appeared in front of him, causing Broke to bump into his chest. Silence, and then, “You know you’re only taller with those ridiculous heels on, right?”

“And you’re only taller with that ridiculous top hat, bae-est cousin! Now come on! Unwind. Chill a little! Have some fun,” he said, much like an announcer would. Everyone cheered once more, Broke Hat growling at the nickname until Flug held up a hand to silence the crowd of onlookers. It seemed that people were getting annoyed at this point, that these two people had come in, uninvited (though wasn’t that how most people came to be in this pit of damnation?), and caused the music to stop. Plus, they were just plain rude!

“Look, we just need our fri-” Broke Hat’s glare stopped him from completing that word, and he instead went for something a bit more… relaxed. “Our acquaintance, Demencia. Do you happen to know where she is?”

“Demencia? Hmm… Demencia, Demencia, Demencia,” Party Hat said, tapping his chin in feigned confusion before he ‘recognized’ the name. “Oh yeah! So you do mean my daughter!”

“D-DAUGHTER,” Flug shouted, yanking his hand from Broke’s to place both on either side of his head.

“Yup! Gluggy and I, well, we have been wanting to become parents for a while,” he said as if he hadn’t effectively kidnapped a young girl with fucking lizard superpowers. Glug gave a happy beep at that from behind his mask, his mouth (?) curved into an ever present grin. “And, gee, We couldn’t resist! She just looks so happy! Look at her go,” he continued, another floating spotlight focusing on a girl with a dark pink mohawk, a green lizard hood, dancing before she spotted them, and waved.

“Demencia,” Flug called out, ready to go grab her and just run out of the house. That was, until that security guard, Vaccinia or something, moved to stop him from going after her. “Hey! Get out of my way!”

“Sorry, but this area is reserved for friends of the family only,” she said, holding a hand to block his way.

“Come on,” Party Hat tutted, steepling his fingers together, a smile spreading across his face that traveled to his eyes, even behind those ridiculous glasses. “Demencia isn’t just a friend of the family, she’s a part of it now! You really ought to learn the difference.”

“Sorry sir,” she said, a frown on her face before she began pushing the much weaker man back towards the center, much to his anger.

“Aww, just look at her, Glug,” Party Hat mused, floating over to Glug’s also floating DJ booth and putting an arm around him. “Isn’t she so beautiful? Our little bud is blooming into a wonderful poppy flower!”

“You…” Flug pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s only been four hours.”

“But Flug, but doesn’t it feel like so much longer,” he retorted, Glug giving a content ‘bewoop’ noise from right behind him.

“No, it doesn’t. It’s only been four hours.”

“Well, you’re no fun,” Party Hat grumbled, crossing his arms and glaring from behind some very… unique glasses. That seemed to be agreed upon by the rest of the party goers, who were starting to get a bit antsy: these random nobodies decide that they just want to come in and stop the whole party? For what? Just some

“Boo,” shouted Demencia, followed by more and more people who joined in on calling out the two mystery men, some even going so far as to throw red solo cups at them, along with tissues and glow sticks.

“C-come on! She stole my tip jar,” Flug shouted, and stomped his foot. Now he was fuming. He had to get up at seven in the morning tomorrow to work another eight hour shift, and he was not in the mood for this stuff right now. He just needed to get Demencia and go, and this asshole was making it so much harder than it neede to be! “Look, just give her back!”

“Not unless you give me something in return~”

“What do you even want?! You’re a rich asshole that already has more than what you need,” Broke Hat snarled, pushing Flug behind him in order to keep him from losing it. Flug could get a little nervous in situations like this. Surrounded by people, bright lights, loud sounds… Sensory overload, he had heard Flug refer to it as, after some sort of human meltdown. They needed to leave soon. However, if they got kicked out now, then they lost, and Broke Hat may have been down on his luck, but one thing he would never be was a loser.

“Oh, I dunno,” Party Hat mused, lolling lazily through the air and checking his nails as if they had just been manicured. Knowing him, they probably had. “Why don’t we ask…”

The screens from before began flashing different words, still in impact font but this time with a poorly made stock photo of a party popper, still with the white background and watermark whilst it flipped back and forth, as the crowd began cheering once more in excitement, chanting the next few words slowly. “The Party!”

“Popper!” “Prophet!”

Airhorns provided by DJ Glug were blared through the loud speakers, causing Flug to jump out of his skin, much to the enjoyment of everyone. Party Hat didn’t seem to notice, as he was too busy having fun. “Oh my gosh, you all know me so well,” Party Hat squealed, clapping his hands twice before pulling out a normal looking party popper, if not a bit cheap. “You know how all this works, but just for those who may be new! The object of the game is that we have to do whatever the PPP says! If someone refuses, it’s an automatic forfeit! Winner takes all!”

Before Flug and Broke Hat could talk it over, Broke Hat decided that enough was enough, stepping forward and holding out his hand. “We accept,” he said, hand starting to glow a dark red. “WHAT,” Flug shouted, watching as Party Hat took the other’s hand with little hesitation, his own hand glowing a deep purple. They should’ve at least talked it out! Maybe made a plan, but no! Of course not! Because he didn’t matter, because nothing mattered to either of the two demons!

“Flug, I’ve got this,” Broke Hat said, trying to calm the other down. “It’ll be fine. Have I ever steered you wrong?” “Yes!”

“Oh… Well, this time will be different,” Broke said, turning back to his cousin. “If I win, I get Demencia.”

“And if I win, I get… Hmm. You don’t really have much, do you,” Party Hat asked rhetorically, thinking for a few seconds and scouring his mind. “What is your favorite thing that you own right now?”

“Definitely not you,” Broke retorted, sticking his tongue out.

“Ouch. Harsh,” Party Hat muttered, putting a hand to where his heart would be, if he were human. “I get to keep Demencia, of course, but how about Mr Paper Bag over there,” he asked, pointing at Flug.

Flug froze, eyes wide in alarm and fists clenched at his side. Oh God, he couldn’t survive this night any longer.

Broke Hat seemed to sense the feelings that the other had, glaring at Party Hat and taking Flug’s hand. “He is not for sale. End of discussion.”

“Oh, pff. Fine,” he grumbled, pouting. “Not like I needed him, anyway. I’ve got a Glug with a nice hole, anyway!”

Glug winked at Flug, then flicked his tongue at Broke Hat. Flug grimaced, as did his other, before he stepped forward and did something really, really stupid. “I’ll do it!”

Broke looked at Flug with wide eyes, immediately signalling for him to shut the fuck up. Party Hat just smirked at him, though, eyebrow raised. “Oh? You’ll what?”

Flug had fucked up, oh God, he’d fucked up. But he couldn’t back out now. “I’ll stay here.” Broke Hat face palmed. What an idiot. An adorable, lovable idiot. There was nothing he could do now. Party Hat looked more than amused at this turn of event, holding his head in his hands. “Ooh, looks like we’ve got a volunteer! I hope you enjoy parties, Fluggy boy~” Party winked at Flug, who held his arm in his hand. Glug just wiggled his eyebrows at Flug, who was feeling more and more uncomfortable at the moment. What had he done?

“Just pop the PPP already, nerds,” Demencia shouted from her VVIB area, earning shouts of agreement from the crowd. Did they really have nothing better to do with their time? He supposed not, as Party Hat silenced the crowd once more.

“Fine, fine. So impatient,” Party Hat muttered, waving his hand. “I’ll do it, but only because I love you all! Ready? One… Two… THREE!”

The Party Popper Prophet was popped, the noise a bit louder than Flug would’ve liked. If Broke Hat lost this, he was so fucking screwed. God, how was he going to live here? How did this even work?! He could barely live in an apartment with two other people and a bear, how was he going to live in a mansion that was partying twenty four seven?

“The PPP says…” The confetti from the popper spelled something out in the air. “Epic Rap Battle!”

Oh God, they were so screwed.

“Ooh hoo hoo,” Party Hat chuckled, floating there with a smirk. “Looks like I’m the champion of default! Unless you still wanna go through with this? I won’t complain, but you can’t whine once I beat you!”

“Oooooooh!”

“Y-yeah, well… You’ve obviously never seen Broke Hat rap before,” Flug retorted, causing an uproar, before turning to Broke. “You have rapped before, right?”

“Pfft, of course I have…”

Flug glared.

“Ugh. Do you really want to live here,” Broke asked, crossing his arms.

“What? No!”

“That’s what I fucking thought. Do you know how to beatbox?”

Flug winced. “What the…? I don’t!”

“What the fuck, why not?!”

“Because I never thought I’d need it in order to save my own hide!”

“Alright, alright, I get it, this was a stupid plan and I blame you.”

“Blame m-”

“FLUG THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE POINTING FINGERS,” Broke yelled, stomping his foot, before pondering their options. “Now, we need a plan… Go sabotage him.”

“I… Actually, that’s not that bad of a plan…”

“I know right? It’s almost like you’re not the only genius in the household, Mr I Have Four Ph.Ds and Got Into University on a Scholarship. Now go, find a weak point.”

Flug rushed off, Broke turning back to Party, who raised a brow in confusion. “Please don’t tell me you’re trying to cheat, Brooke.”

“It’s Broke. And even then, nobody’s allowed to call me that. Especially not the likes of you,” he retorted, throwing his hoodie to the side and cracking his knuckles. “Let’s just get this over with, so I can return home and finish that unholy abomination of a feature length film.”

That seemed to perk Party Hat’s interest somewhat. “Oh? Which film?”

“The one with that Seinfeld human as a bee. How anyone could actually consider that a good idea is beyond me,” Broke grumbled, crossing his arms as he stood there.

“Oh, I know which one you’re talking about! Yeah, that was really bad, even for my tastes.” “JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY,” Demencia shouted from her booth, Broke Hat glaring at her.

“You’re not helping!”

“I dare to disagree, Bro-key. She has been keeping this party going for a long while! Can’t wait to see what she can do over a long period of time.” He winked at her, blowing her a kiss which she caught and put to her cheek. “That’s my girl!”

Glug stepped down from the floating DJ booth with help from Party Hat, microphone in hand as he cracked his neck and cleared his throat. “Glug will beat box for the both of us, since apparently, you haven’t trained yours to do so.”

“It was never important to us,” Broke Hat sighed, as Glug finally made his way down, standing right behind Party Hat. “Let’s just get this over with.”

Glug began beat boxing, Party nodding along to try and get a feel for the beat before starting his verse.

“Whoo, okay, time to welcome me to the show, you know, that I’m better in innumerable ways, bro, and if you ever tried, you’d find yourself tongue tied, there’s nothing you can do to stop me! So why don’t you just give up and flee with your homies, before you end up pee-ing yourself, in fear of the ways that I’ll kick you in your shelf!”

“Ooooooooh!”

“Whoot, go Party Hat,” Demencia called from the booth, earning her another glare from Broke Hat. “That doesn’t even make any sense,” he complained. “And you!” He pointed to Demencia. “Stay out of it!”

“Pfft, whatever. You’re not my dad!”

“I very well may be, with the way I put up with your shit all the time! And I’m not even that good at coming up with rhymes, but you know I can’t even think of a single dime, you haven’t spent upon whisky or wine! With your screaming and shouting, it’s driving me crazy, one more word and everything goes hazy! I can’t believe the crap you put us through, you ungrateful little bitch boo fucking hoo!”

Dead silence, even from Demencia and Glug, who must’ve stopped beat boxing a long while ago. Then, someone started clapping. And another. Then, more people, until finally, the whole crowd was in an uproar, as Party Hat looked on in disbelief, before motioning towards Glug. “Cut the lights! Now,” he said through grit teeth, making a slicing motion over his neck. Before Glug could even get through the crowd and back to the stage where all of the controls sat, though, the power went out, red and blue lights flashing underneath the crevice of the door, and the blaring of sirens that sent Party Hat into a panicked frenzy. “WE’VE BEEN CAUGHT EVERY MAN FOR THEMSELVES,” he shouted at the top of his lungs, grabbing Glug and Vaccinia into his arms and making a break for the backyard, whilst everyone else screamed in fear.

“I don’t wanna go to jail!”

“I just thought this would be fun! I didn’t know about the drugs!”

“Wait, there were drugs and I didn’t know about them?!”

Everything was in chaos, and Broke Hat was about to book it as well, after grabbing Demencia of course. That was, until he saw Flug strolling casually through the room, making his way towards the duo as he… whistled? What the fuck was going on?!

“FLUG WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE YOU STUPID ASSHOLE WHY ARE YOU SO NONCHALANT ABOUT THI-”

“Sir! Sir, get it together,” he said, grabbing the other’s hand before he could leave with Demencia over his shoulder. “Have you noticed anything… strange?”

Broke raised an eyebrow at that, before realizing something important: nobody had come through the door. Nobody had tried to raid the house, or even talk to them. The only thing alerting anyone to the presence of cops was the sirens and the lights. No human beings in sight. At that moment, Broke smiled wide, wider than either of them had seen in awhile. “Flug, you may be an idiot most of the time, but that was one of your best moves yet. Although it really wasn’t necessary in the long term, I suppose…”

“Yeah, Broke Hat killed it,” Demencia piped in, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “You should’ve seen it! He was yelling at me, and it sort of rhymed I suppose, but dude it was amazing! He’s no Deltron but he is… I don’t know. Something?”

She shrugged, a smirk on her face and tongue sticking out, before she started to skip out of the manor. Broke Hat began following behind, since with this stupid inhibitor, he couldn’t see much in the darkness, and Flug following dead last, clinging to Broke. He would need a bath and everything once he got out of this Hell hole. He wondered if Demencia would let him borrow one of her Lush products that she insisted on buying twice a month, even if they barely had the money to afford it.

“Speaking of which,” he muttered to himself before looking at Demencia with a frown. “You’re grounded.”

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comic-movieheroesranked · 7 years

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Cinematic Comic Characters Ranked! (Year 2008) Final Part

Wow, I just want to say that 2008 really stepped it up when it came to comic movies released. Granted, a couple weren’t the best but overall this year was one of the best out of the bunch. The Dark Knight and Hellboy II: The Golden Army are the only sequels this year, while The Punisher: War Zone and The Incredible Hulk serve as reboots. Star Wars: The Clone Wars serves as a prequel and we also see the debut of Iron Man, Speed Racer, The Spirit and Wanted! Lets start off our largest list yet! Here’s the Top 20 of 2008!

*SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE MOVIES HIGHLIGHTED ABOVE*

20. Emil Blanksy/Abomination (The Incredible Hulk)

"Give me a REAL fight!"

Like I said in 2007's list in regards to The Stranger in 30 Days of Night, if you want a character to be disliked by me, have them kill a dog. Emil does this right in the beginning as he and his team hunt Bruce down in Brazil so, naturally, my body was filled with glee when the Hulk trashed them all. This is apparently a turn-on for Emil because he gets obsessed with having the power Bruce has. It doesn't take much for him to convince Ross and then, later, Samuel Sterns to eventually help him become Abomination, a freak of immense power. Him and the Hulk enter an epic fight on the battlefield that is New York City that ends up with him getting his ass beat.

19. The Octopus (The Spirit)

"I don't like egg on my face."

The Octopus was such an outrageous character man! And unlike Jigsaw and his wack brother, The Octopus made it work for him! With help with the overall setting of the film, The Octopus showed that even though he's not all there, he's still a major threat to Central City. His thirst for immortality and world domination put him at odds with The Spirit, who also holds a grudge against him for killing him. He pulls all kinds of evil doings, including dissolving an innocent cat, which was the last straw for The Spirit. After he loses the vase of Heracles's blood, The Octoplus then blows up from a grenade shoved in his body.

18. Rachel Dawes (The Dark Knight)

"If you lose your faith in me, please keep your faith in people."

Rachel is still fighting crime in the courtroom but this time with her new boyfriend, Harvey Dent. I expected an obvious love triangle with Bruce to happen, but I don't think that's what we got. I don't think Rachel cared for Bruce like she did in the first film, but because of the promise she made she felt guilty and kept denying her feelings for Harvey to grow. Her fight for justice shows up several times as she takes down crime lords in the court and even face to face with the Joker when he goes after Harvey, but her relationship with Harvey and Bruce is what brings her demise. Her death was shocking but it would be the final tool for Harvey Dent's transformation into Two Face.

17. Ahsoka Tano (Star Wars: The Clone Wars)

"No, I'm the one with enthusiasm."

Ahsoka is a young Jedi in training that's been assigned to work under Anakin Skywalker's teachings. She falls quickly into the little sister role but she shows just as much determination as Anakin when he was a young Jedi, which is why I think he grows to like her. She proves her skill again and again and she even saves Anakin a few times when he's in a tight spot, though he won't admit it. She ends up taking care of Jabba's newborn and returns him safely so the tension between the Hutt's and the Republic can end.

16. Princess Nuala (Hellboy II: The Golden Army)

"I'm afraid it's the other way around."

Princess Nuala definitely has a strong sense on what is right and what is wrong. Even if she dislikes the way her people are living, she knows that attacking the humans with the Golden Army is wrong, and therefore hides the last piece of the crown from her brother after he kills their father. She seeks help from Abe and the two bond over the fact that they both have similar learning powers through their hands. Now. Once we found out that she feels everything Nuada feels, I knew she was going to die. I did not see her taking out herself though. I should've, because she was cool with her dad sentencing them to death but it still really shocked me when she went ahead and knifed herself, taking her destructive brother down with her.

15. James Gordon (The Dark Knight)

"He's a silent guardian. A Dark Knight."

With the Joker wrecking havoc on Gotham City, James Gordon had to step his game up big time. He honestly did the best he could, coming up with a great plan involving him faking his own death so he could capture the Joker that ended up promoting him to Commissioner, but the clown prince of crime was just always three steps ahead. He managed to beat Gordon at his own game several times and ended up giving him a deadly enemy, Two Face. Gordon and Harvey Dent's animosity towards each other come to end when Two Face tries to take out Gordon's family. When Batman saves them, they both agree that Batman must take the fall for Dent's death.

14. Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars: The Clone Wars)

"The desert is merciless. It will take everything from you."

Wow I actually liked Anakin in this movie. I think it was because he wasn't shown as this moody teenager who was just constantly filled with angst the whole damn time and instead showed him as a leader and now teacher of Ahsoka. They didn't focus too much on his relationship with Padme, which also wasn't his strongest point because again, he was just moody as hell even if he was in love. He really grew as an individual and was able to bond with Ahsoka through their travels despite him not liking her in the beginning. We got to see his angst a little bit when they returned to his home planet but I understand, even if I think it's silly, that you can't have a Skywalker on the screen and not have them go through angst.

13. Wesley Gibson (Wanted)

"What the fuck have you done lately?"

So part of me liked Wesley and the part of me didn't. I liked how he decided he wasn't going to be treated like shit anymore and stood up to all the toxic people in his life. I do like how polite he was and his determination to really be something he could be proud of. And I liked his friendship with the Executioner and his relationship with Fox. I didn't like how he all of a sudden got this superiority complex as soon as he learned a little knife trick. Like he was constantly throwing mad shade at us, the viewers, and it was a little off-putting because no one should be able to talk as much shit as he did when they allow their best friend to bang their girl for years before finally doing something. Also, why did he hate Cross so much? I get he thought Cross killed his father but damn he was hunting him down as if he had known his father his entire life! But I was glad he was able to discover the truth and then use everything he learned to bring down Sloan and the Fraternity once and for all.

12. Harvey Dent/Two Face (The Dark Knight)

"You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

Harvey Dent is Gotham's White Knight. He's a lawyer that can't be bought and is determined to bring down every corrupt person in the city, which earns him a lot of enemies. When the opportunity to bring down all the crime lords shows up, he forces his way into Batman and Gordon's plans, causing tensions with the latter. But he ends up biting more than he can chew once the Joker shows up. Not only does he end up burning off half his face, but he loses Rachel as well. Her death is the final straw and Harvey Dent becomes Two Face after having a little chat with the Joker. He seeks out the cops that betrayed him, the crime lords that set it up, and even Gordon, who he blames for Rachel's death. His thirst for revenge gets him in a confrontation with Batman, ending with his death. Instead of revealing what actually happened, Gordon and Batman agree to keep Dent's White Knight reputation.

11. Abe Sapien (Hellboy II: The Golden Army)

"Despite the appearances, I bet Red will make an excellent father figure."

Abe is the most supportive friend a hellspawn can ask for. I mean, he works well with everyone. He helps support Liz after discovering she's pregnant and he even gets along well with Tom Manning. He ends up developing the biggest teenage-boy crush on Princess Nuala and starts wearing contacts, listening to love songs, and even gets drunk with Hellboy as they bond over their women. It was slightly annoying when he gave the last piece to Prince Nuada for Nuala's safety, but he was right when he pointed out Hellboy would do the same for Liz. Nuala's death definitely took a toll on him which is one of the reasons why I think he ended up quitting with the team.

10. Sand Saref (The Spirit)

"Do I look like a good girl?"

A femme fatale, Sand used to be Denny's young love as they grew up in Central City. She dreamed of diamonds, cars, and loved reading stories of Jason's Golden Fleece. When her uncle dies, she decides to break up with cop-loving Denny, and finally go after everything she wants in life. Now known for marrying rich and then killing her husbands, keeping all the money for herself. With everything she's asked for, she goes after the Golden Fleece, which brings her back to Central City. When her Fleece get's switched with Octopus's vase of blood, she becomes a major player in the war between him and the Spirit, who she learns is Denny back from the dead. Their feelings come back when he learns she still had the necklace he gave her but they aren't acted on until the final fight. With her hands on the Golden Fleece, Sand uses it's impenetrable coat to protect The Spirit and then the tow proceed to make out in front of everyone, including his current girlfriend. They break ways though, Sand choosing her diamonds and The Spirit choosing the city's protection.

9. Prince Nuada Silverlance (Hellboy II: The Golden Army)

"Let this remind you why you once feared the dark."

So I don't feel like Prince Nuada was a bad guy, he really thought he was bringing justice to his people by defeating the humans who raged war on them for years. He has a respect for nature and cares deeply about his kingdom, which is why he couldn't deal with how they were living under his father's rule while the humans destroyed all the green from their planet. So he did what he had to do to gain control of the crown pieces but then became at odds with Hellboy and his team. They end up fighting a lot, Nuada is crazy talented with the spear, but Nuada always got away because Hellboy couldn't hurt him without hurting Princess Nuala, Abe's crush. It isn't until Nuada has complete control of the Golden Army that he's defeated by Hellboy, but even then he won't stop his mission until Nuala kills herself, killing him as well.

8. Pepper Potts (Iron Man)

"I do anything and everything Mr. Stark requires. Including occasionally taking out the trash."

If there's one person who can put Tony Stark in his place, it's Pepper. In fact, I'm pretty sure Pepper can put anyone in their place, proof being when she handles the disrespectful reporter, Christine. She's Stark's personal assistant and handles literally everything in his life, since the millionaire genius is pretty much incapable of doing anything besides creating amazing technology (he really should know his social security number). It's Pepper who discovers that Obadiah was the one trying to kill him and it's Pepper who helps Iron Man take him down. There isn't a resolution to the chemistry between Pepper and Tony, but since she's still his assistant, there's still hope.

7. Denny Colt/The Spirit (The Spirit)

"She is my lover, and I am her Spirit."

I get why literally every girl in this movie fell for the Spirit, he's extremely charismatic. How he learned to do that after rising from the dead, I don't know, but it's a skill he mastered and it's got him out of several tough spots as he tries to protect the city (granted it's gotten him in tougher spots too). He has a hilarious rivalry with The Octopus which puts him in even more hilarious situations like fighting in the mud with toilets, jumping off buildings with his pants off, and fighting goons holding gun with nothing but snowballs. Despite all of this, he manages to save his city, kiss the girl (ends up with another girl), and finally takes The Octopus down with a grenade.

6. Hellboy (Hellboy II: The Golden Army)

"I'm not gonna kill him, Abe. But I am gonna kick his ass!"

Our favorite petty hellspawn is back! Nothing much has changed since we lost saw Hellboy. He's still in love with Liz and his kittens, still desperately wants to fit in with society, and still has a nasty temper. Despite all their arguing, Hellboy and Liz still find a way to make it work, especially now that Liz is pregnant with his babies. His relationship with Abe also expands, Hellboy taking on a big brother role as he helps Abe deal with his feelings with Princess Nuala, and by 'deal' I mean they get drunk and listen to sad love songs. Despite the annoyance of Krauss being added to the team, Hellboy manages to lead everyone against Prince Nuada and his powerful Golden Army. When he takes them all done, him and Liz quit the department and walk off to start their new family.

5. Bruce Banner/Hulk (The Incredible Hulk)

"HULK SMASH!"

The Hulk is the first superhero that's gotten a reboot in my list's history. Even though the film is technically a sequel, lots of things were rebooted and, in my opinion, for the better. Not only do we get to see the Hulk in his destructive glory but I feel like we were finally able to connect to Bruce as a human. He's someone with a problem that has the potential to cause serious harm for anyone near him so he isolates himself from everyone he cares about and tries to find a way to get rid of away. Of course he can't stay hidden too long and ends up reuniting with Betty, but with the army trying to selfishly use his contaminated blood as a weapon of their own, the journey just gets harder and harder for Bruce. In the end, when he's fighting Abomination on the streets of New York, Bruce nearly kills him as the Hulk but with the help off Betty he's able to manage his rage, if only briefly, and runs off to British Colombia. There we see him last, his glowing eyes hinting at his newfound control over the Hulk.

4. Fox (Wanted)

"We kill one and maybe save a thousand."

If anyone believes in the code and in the Fraternity of Assassins, it's Fox. This is someone who was actually a victim of what happens when an assassin doesn't kill their target. It's probably why she joins, herself, and quickly becomes one of the best they have. She's badass in every way, shape, and form. From curving bullets, driving in crazy speed chases, and climbing the side of a train as it gets ready to fall over a rocky cliff, she's someone who's capable of anything. When she finds out her name, along with everyone in the Fraternity's names, show up she disobeys Sloan and honors the code it the most epic way. With one final curve of her bullet, she manages to take down everyone in the room, including herself.

3. Bruce Wayne/Batman (The Dark Knight)

"Because sometimes the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes, people deserve more."

The Dark Knight is back and the streets of Gotham couldn't be any more safe, but it's not just him that c an take the credit. Gotham has a hero with a face taking down these crime lords and his name is Harvey Dent. This man gives Bruce hope that maybe he can step away from the suit and live a normal life with Rachel after all, but all that comes crashing down once the Joker steps to the plate. Bruce made a mistake in underestimating Joker, thinking of him as a common criminal, which ends up costing him the lives of several people including Rachel. Bruce has to really think outside the box when it comes to stopping him and when he finally does, he ends up with another threat in the form of Two Face. When Harvey Dent regrettably dies, Bruce understands that the general public will go into chaos if they find out about his corruption and so he decides to take the blame entirely, saving Harvey's reputation along with Gotham City's safety.

2. Tony Stark/Iron Man (Iron Man)

"The truth is...I am Iron Man."

The genius owner of a millionaire dollar business. Tony Stark is one of the most brilliant men the world has to offer, and he puts his brains into making weapons for the military to help keep the peace. It isn't until after he's kidnapped by terrorist with his own weapon technology that he realizes his mistakes. He turns a new leaf and decides to create a hero of sorts to help protect people from those who wish to harm them: Iron Man! Tony Stark's charisma and humor throughout the film was so fun to watch and his journey to becoming a hero was even better to see happen. At the end he does what no hero has done before, he reveals he's indeed Iron Man, not wanting to hide away from his responsibilities.

1. The Joker (The Dark Knight)

"Why so serious?"

Is anyone surprised? 2008 had the most bad ass characters by far with returning champions Batman, Hellboy, and Angelina Jolie (even though she won as Tomb Raider instead of Fox) and the debut of Iron Man. There's only one person who could steal the throne from them at that was Heath Ledger's Joker. The Joker ruled every scene he was in and was, in every sense of the word, a madman. From his multiple backstories on how he got his scars to his nurse outfits, Joker installed fear and uncertainty in everyone that crossed his path. An agent of chaos, Joker quickly flipped Gotham upside down and had the entire city scrambling to figure him out and put a stop to him. And even though he does eventually get stopped because Batman does have more strength in the end, no one figures him out. He's a puzzle piece that remains unsolved because every time you try he finds a way to create the biggest, most chaotic storm in your life. It's his wild plans that aids in the creation of Two Face, after all. The Joker is one of the greatest enemies Batman has ever faced and his reign as one of the greatest villains of all time in film is still evident almost ten years later.

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fan-tastic-fiction · 7 years

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Fanfiction Author Profile Friday

This is the fifth interview in what I hope will be a long running series! I think people need to feel more connected to the brilliant authors behind their favorite fics, I also feel that fic authors need to be taken just as seriously as published authors and treated with respect and admiration in the same way. Making money should not be the only way to gain prestige! Some of the best peices of writing I’ve ever read have been fanfictions and they are often equal or superior to published stories. If you have a story or author recommendation, let me know! And if you have a question you’ve always wanted to ask your favorite author, message me and I’ll try to make it happen!

Pen name: sunken_standard

Age Range: somewhere between 30 and menopause

Is English your first language? Unfortunately it’s my only language. Four years of high school German and all I can remember is how to ask to go to the bathroom and the word for potato. Don’t even ask me about the Learn French in Your Car tapes.

How long have you been writing? Since I was a kid. I think the first story I ever wrote was Star Trek: TNG fanfic when I was like, 11?-ish. I wrote a lot in high school, and then real life happened and I realized I’d never do it professionally. I started back up with fanfic in 2007.

What do you think your strongest piece of writing has been? Longer Than The Road That Stretches Out Ahead, by far. I kind of feel that I reached the pinnacle of my ability with that and it’s all been downhill from there (hence the four years of radio silence).

Your weakest? Everything that hasn’t seen the light of day. For every word of fic I’ve posted, I’ve got 30 words of unfinished garbage on my hard drive. I can pick apart any of my fics, though.

What is your favorite website for posting your writing and why? AO3. It’s brilliant. Curated archives and LiveJournal are a fond memory, though.

What do you find most challenging about writing fanfiction in particular? Voice. Keeping characters in character and putting their mannerisms into words that make sense. Also the balance between Hollywood realism and reality, especially when getting from point A to B. Writing outside my own culture can be pretty tough, too. The nuances are murder.

In your opinion, what can the fanfiction community do to encourage fanfiction writers to continue their art? Stop being assholes to each other. Having opinions is great and expressing them in constructive ways can help us grow as people, but all the “you are wrong and everything you think is wrong because you are a bad person” bullshit needs to end. It’s worse than a high school cafeteria sometimes. No one wants to parachute into that minefield when they’re only going to be told that they suck because the product of their creativity is fraught with errors and is undermining the future of everything by falling short of some arbitrary moral code. I don’t think fandom should be a safe space, but it should be a civil one.

What was your favorite review or comment? I’ve had so many favorites and I appreciate every single one. It’s always rewarding to know that people are connecting to something I wrote in very personal ways. I’m really bad with responding to comments. Praise is daunting.

What type fanfiction do you enjoy reading? Depends on my mood and what fandom I feel like reading in. I’m not a fan of fluff. Purple prose is really, really not my thing. I like slow burn and angst and complexities without clear resolutions. I like thoughtful porn. I like darkfic. I’m pretty ambivalent about character studies (are those even a thing anymore?), but I like them more than meta. I love a good AU/ fusion, because they’re really, really hard to write. Probably 90% of what I enjoy reading is slash; in most cases I don’t think the source material of my favorite fandoms lends itself to het in ways I like to read, which makes me sad.

What are some of your favorite fanfictions or fanfiction authors? I don’t usually namecheck because I feel weird about it, but maybe_amanda is a favorite (and a friend!) who really made it okay to ship a pairing that was pretty much anathema back when the Sherlock fandom was in its infancy and did it so beautifully that it’s still an intimidating shadow to inhabit. Also berlynn_wohl, because she can take any concept, no matter how what-the-actual-fuck and turn it into a textured, nuanced piece that isn’t just porn or crack, and she can do it across multiple fandoms. And rageprufrock, whose sheer quality and quantity and diversity of output I can’t help but envy—they’re like the Joyce Carol Oates of fanfic.

What are some major influences on your writing? Without being douchey and pretentious, I like to think Southern Gothic and Beat lit have influenced me in the way I use language. Also Stephen King and Douglas Coupland, weirdly. I try not to let all the bad Harlequin mommy porn I read as a kid creep into my writing but sometimes it does in all its throbbing, heaving, turgid glory. Film is another big influence. I enjoy cinematography and when I write, it’s more like I’m trying to transcribe a movie shot-by-shot than I’m thinking in actual words. Oh, and music. Some of my strongest scenes were inspired by a song. Almost everything I write has a soundtrack.

Anything else you would like to tell people about yourself? Not really. I’m an over-sharerer with no sense of what’s appropriate for any given situation, so it’s usually better if I don’t even start. I’ve got the JD Salinger recluse thing happening, but I really do like talking to people.

I would like to thank @sunken-standard so much for their time! Their Sherlock fanfiction “The Road That Stretches Out Ahead" which is widely considered one of the best Sherlolly fanfictions in the fandom was featured on this page recently and I would like to encourage you to go and read it as well as their other fics! Remember to leave comments and kudos in support!

#fan-tastic-fiction #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #author interview #sunken_standard

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brianplayssometimes · 7 years

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'92 to Bendis: Why I Love X-Men

Genesis of X

The year was 1992. That summer had seen my 8th birthday. It also saw my 4th open heart surgery. Born with a severe heart defect I endured hospital visit after hospital visit. Throughout those 8 years I spent many days and nights in the hospital. Truth be told most of it I don’t remember. Whether because of being so young or because my mind blocks it out I do not know. What I do know is that in October of that year X-Men: The Animated Series debuted. Until now I thought I merely loved the show because of it being a great cartoon with fantastic characters. However, as I typed this I realize a deeper reason connected me to the show.

As someone with a severe heart defect you become limited in what you are allowed to do. I couldn’t play sports. I couldn’t be outside in the heat or the cold. I couldn’t do many physical activities. Basically all of the things that a normal 8 year old boy wants to do I couldn’t do. I grew to appreciate things in doors such as; movies, TV shows, video games, and playing with action figures. While I had friends growing up my limitations inevitably led to feelings of alienation. In hindsight, I never really felt normal, and in October of ’92 I saw for the first time a team of people who knew what that was like. It’s no wonder I became a bigger fan of X-Men than any other cartoon. It appealed to me in a deeper, subconscious way that I didn’t understand until now.

I grew to love this show more than any other by watching the team struggle with prejudice, rejection, fear, and being outcasts. As they battled these social and personal issues I received inspiration from their ideologies and hope from their personal redemption arcs. This love for the show led me to convince my mom to buy me the comics. I remember her taking me every week to the comic book store. She would buy me the X-Men and Uncanny X-Men issues every month. My collection grew and grew to the point that I had filing cabinets and storage bins full of comic books. Some Batman, Spider-man, Nightwing, and others were amongst my collection, yet X-Men outranked them all.

I can recall stories such as the Phalanx Covenant, X-Cutioner’s Song, Onslaught, and Age of Apocalypse. Having grown up when I did these are the “classics” when I think of X-Men stories. I read every issue I could, and some multiple times. I still have storage containers full of comics from this phase in my life. Then somewhere after the Trial of Gambit the stories seemed to shift and I began to mature. I wasn’t as attached anymore and interest waned. The stories didn’t seem as well crafted, and characters like Marrow and Maggot couldn’t keep my attention. Once the X-Men film came out I attempted to get back into the comics, but ended up not enjoying them anymore. I had officially moved on from my first love.

Marvel Unlimited

Years later the Marvel Cinematic Universe was born. These films sparked a wildfire of interest in comics across the globe. They brought former readers back while simultaneously creating new ones. Around this time Marvel Unlimited had launched as well. Not nearly the behemoth it is now, it still had a solid 2,500 comics in 2007 at launch. Marvel created a way for the newer generation of readers to attach to them instead of the competition, and at the time of this writing they now have over 17,000 comics available. Between the films and this new service I subscribed to Unlimited and tried reading Avengers, Magneto, X-Factor, and Iron Man comics. I enjoyed the app, but my phone couldn’t handle it well and the stories weren’t gripping me. Ultimately I cancelled it.

The year was 2016. By the time summer began my daughter had finished 1st grade, my son turned 2 years old, and my wife and I celebrated 9 years together. My life had changed, and I was much different than that 8 year old kid who fell in love with X-Men. Adulthood in full swing I became a responsible husband and father. My life focused on providing and taking care of them. Their safety, future, and happiness became all that mattered to me. Never could anyone have known that during this phase of my life Brian Michael Bendis was about to make me fall in love with X-Men all over again.

During July of 2016 Marvel Unlimited ran a $1 for a month promotion. After realizing how many comics they added I decided to try it again. The updated app combined with my upgraded phone made reading comics a breeze. I could read a couple of pages here and there throughout the day, and couldn’t praise the service enough. Winter Soldier, Black Widow, and Captain Marvel were some of the comics I started reading. Then it hit me. In ’92 I fell in love with X-Men and the time had come for me to read Bendis’ All-New X-Men.

I began reading All-New X-Men and couldn’t stop. I flew through the entire 41 issue series plus tie in issues during the course of 6 days. Everything in me couldn’t get me to quit reading them. The series quickly became one of my favorite ever, and will likely stay that way. Once I finished this I went on to read all 35 issues of Bendis’ Uncanny X-Men run, and found myself as infatuated with it as All-New. Bendis provided something scintillating to the franchise that I personally hadn’t seen since the ‘92 X-Men: TAS. He gave a depth to each character during his run, and made everyone feel different from each other. There were no caricatures. Everyone came off unique, and the decisions they made fit within their personalities. Out of all the positive things I could say about his run my favorite things are the original five, Cyclops’ revolution, and the team ups.

The Original Five

In a society inundated with fictional heroes how could Bendis make the original five X-Men appealing? I mean they were created in 1963. A lot had changed over that time frame. Look at a Batman comic from the ‘60s vs now and you could easily see the tonal differences. The bright, colorful palettes of that time easily stand out against the dark, gritty concepts of our day. Yet Bendis found a way to keep these characters true to the Stan Lee versions and appeal to the modern generation of readers. It’s a testament to his skills as a writer. He crafted an overarching storyline about the original five X-men being brought from the past into the present. The idea being that current day Beast wanted to stop the Revolution of Cyclops.

His vision saw Beast becoming so obsessed with stopping modern day Cyclops that he brought the original five X-Men from the past to the present. This concept created a wonderful dynamic whenever the original five saw what type of people they grew up to be. From Beast’s reaction to the blue fur to Jean freaking out about her “destiny” of marrying Scott, becoming the Phoenix, and eventually dying. Watching these X-Men see what their lives become brought uniqueness to the comics. Over the course of the 41 issues of All-New X-Men they wrestled with their place in the current time stream and struggled with what fate really meant. Seeing them wrestle with this, with each other, and with the Revolution of Cyclops, in particular, provided a dynamic unlike any other that I have read.

Cyclops’ Revolution

Bendis made me do the unthinkable, fall in love with Cyclops. The perfect storm occurred. I had matured into the responsible family man when I read the revolution of Cyclops. His character took it upon himself to be the champion of all homo sapien superior. His team of Magik and Magneto were virtually unstoppable. He stood up to S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers never for a moment backing down. He placed the mutant races survival as priority number 1, and didn’t flinch at the opposition. His own son and daughter might not have been the focal point, but Cyclops as a father was evident with how he fought for his kind.

I had been unfamiliar with this aspect of Cyclops. Nothing in the runs I read prior to this had ever painted this picture of him so strongly. His new mindset (which in reflection started before Bendis’ run) felt like a mixture of ideologies; Magneto’s and Xavier’s. Try for peace, but do what it takes to guarantee the survival of his “children”. As a husband and parent of two I can relate to this. I would do whatever it takes to ensure the protection of my family. Perhaps this relatability is why I grew to rank Cyclops near the top in terms of favorite comic characters. Bendis provided an angle and depth to him I hadn’t previously known.

The Team Ups

Throughout his run on both Uncanny and All-New Bendis infused the stories with team ups that made sense and felt unique. Yes, we have seen the X-Men and Shi’ar interact before, but Bendis made it compelling while appealing to nostalgia. The X-Men have long been known for their space exploration, but having them cross paths and work with The Guardians of the Galaxy felt natural. The move should have been done years ago, and on the surface looked like an opportunity to promote the MCU films. However, when reading the story, it clearly shows that the team up was seamless and fit the overall storyline perfectly.

The Trial of Jean Grey was a fantastic idea. Crafting a story that united the Guardians and Starjammers to battle the Shi’ar felt compelling and natural. The interplay between the groups created some hilarious moments as well as heartwarming scenes. The slow build between Star-Lord and Kitty could change the minds of even the staunchest Colossus/Kitty shippers. It didn’t feel like a normal comic book relationship where two people randomly hook up. Substance was provided to it by building it up with playful, flirty banter. I will always remember that part of his run.

Rebirth of X

I wish I could remember every detail of my feelings when first reading the Bendis run, but unfortunately I can’t. What I do remember is that I felt the rebirth of a love that had grown cold. From getting older to the arrival of the Marvel Cinematic Universe my original love of X-Men had dwindled. Thanks to a promotion for Marvel Unlimited & and incredible run from Bendis that love sprang forth again.

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#brian michael bendis #x-men #marvel #marvel unlimited #cyclops #all-new x-men #uncanny x-men

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