#they both very butch to me fuck everything else
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writing a butch4butch soldierrose fic btw
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February 2024 Review Roundup
well i sure did watch some stuff and read one book this month
the things i finished this month reminded me that for every incredible piece of art i find myself enjoying, i end up watching some Hot Garbage immediately after to balance things out again. idk why i do this.
i have quite a bit to say about both the things i enjoyed and the things that brought me physical pain this month, so there is um. a lot under the cut. any previous desire for brevity i had in january has been completely thrown out the window as i use these roundups as an outlet to gush about things i like and complain about things i didn't. fair warning, if you open the readmore you will be scrolling for a while. enjoy i guess
House of Leaves
does any other book out there have the balls to write a completely fake interview with stephen king
House of Leaves is a novel you gotta throw around a little bit. It feels really weird that my copy is still in the pristine state I bought it in - It seems like it should have water damage and smell like mildew with its pages falling out and spine cracked into pieces. Getting the full story from this book requires flipping back and forth, turning it around, searching for answers. All things considered it’s not that difficult of a read, but its format still allows you to feel like you’re discovering every hidden piece for yourself, and I really liked that interactivity. I was engaged pretty much the whole way through.
I don’t really think I’ll be able to revisit this book anytime soon though. It’s difficult for me to format what else I’d like to say about it because to be honest, it caught me off guard and disturbed me on a fairly personal level. There’s a relief I feel when I remember that I don’t actually know what was going on with the house - maybe that was intentional on the book’s behalf, maybe I just didn’t look hard enough for answers. I don’t know. But the implication that something divine was down there was enough of an answer for me. The book's good. read it if you want a spooooooky time or if you never want to look at a hallway the same way again
Doctor Who (Series 1-4) (rewatch)
ok so this is a fuckload of doctor who to cover so i’m gonna give some thoughts on a few of the characters and my favorite + least favorite episodes
9th doctor: My favorite butch lesbian. Christopher Eccleston truly embodies the concept of The Doctor so, so well: otherworldly guy who knows too much, genuinely cares about life across the universe, and also has a bit of deep, unresolved rage. His moments of joy and careless fun stick with me the most, he absolutely radiates with life and brings so much to this character.
Rose: I first watched Doctor Who when I was in middle school, and I didn’t like Rose that much back then. And guys. I have bad news. I'm still not really much of a Rose fan
I definitely understood her more this watch through - that desire for adventure and some sort of control over her life, emotions so strong that she’s willing to throw near everything away. That’s just what being 19 is like sometimes. I think Rose is a very compelling character who just happens to frustrate me a bit. And that’s kinda the point, her co-dependent relationship with the Doctor is doomed to fail and it's meant to hurt. Ultimately, I think when I first watched the show I was too young to understand Rose, and now I’m just too old to relate to her.
Captain Jack: Jack is my favorite character. I fucking love this guy. Dude has the worst luck in the whole universe and still cannot be stopped. Legendary. Every episode with him is a goddamn delight because he has so much chemistry with every single cast member. No notes 10/10 i love my problematic bisexual king
10th doctor: About four episodes into David Tennant’s run I realized that he dresses like a Hazbin Hotel character and it made me very sad. Still, there’s a reason this guy inspired every middle schooler to buy a pair of converse in 2008. He has style, he has depth, he’s got the sauce. It’s genuinely terrifying to see his anger, I like that a lot of 10’s run is about his denial of godhood and power over life in the universe, something that the rest of the time lords desired. idk i like my sad pathetic little weasel but he's also a huge fucking asshole sometimes which sucks. especially when it's directed at Martha.
Martha: Martha I am so sorry for what this show put you through. Martha was my favorite companion when I first watched the show, and I still have a huge soft spot for her. Her ability to hold her own and navigate foreign worlds using her own intelligence absolutely rules, and her drive forward is unbreakable. But the show seems to put her down at every possible opportunity, most notably with how 10 treats her. Her struggles and wants are constantly ignored, and she's often treated as a rebound from Rose. And I like that she eventually chooses to end it by not traveling with 10 anymore, but it hurts because it feels like she was never given the same chance or care that Rose and Donna were. This era of Doctor Who really doesn’t treat its black companions well because Mickey goes through something similar - both Martha and Mickey are characters designed to be ignored or left behind, and it sucks.
Donna: Donna Noble is one of the greatest fictional characters to ever exist. Despite seemingly living a fairly average life and working a fairly average job, Donna reflects the idea that no one is truly "average" and every single person is brimming with personality, life, and love. I love that her relationship with 10 is purely platonic, personally their friendship feels like it has a lot more depth than either of the romance-oriented relationships 10 had with Rose and Martha. 10 and Donna bounce off of each other so well and it's delightful, Donna brings so much humor and life to every world she's taken to and it's incredible. I wish her and Captain Jack could have interacted more.
My favorite episode: The Runaway Bride is hard to not choose as my favorite. I have a blast every time I watch this episode and it’s such a good introduction for Donna. Also the Tardis car chase kills me, I love when it cuts to the kids in the back of another car clapping and cheering. I was also surprised by the episode Midnight - it’s dreadful to watch and I kinda loved it. So much spirals out of control when shit hits the fan, even though no one has any idea what they’re trying to fight against. Really interesting exploration as to how fear can drive people apart.
My least favorite episode: It’s Love & Monsters. I wish I liked this episode - stories that follow regular ass people living in this world are often some of the best episodes in the series (Weeping Angels and all that). And this episode definitely has some of that. It’s honestly really touching to see this group of nerds get together and enjoy life in the first part of the episode. I think the antagonist of “guy who absorbs people” ends up dragging down any charm this story had because he just. eats all of the interesting characters. But despite me disliking this episode, I honestly have a deep respect for it - it’s fucking crazy. It ends with the main guy telling us about his sex life with his girlfriend who is now stuck in a piece of concrete. Where else are you going to get a story like this. It fucking sucks and that’s hilarious
oh also the production design: GODDDDDD I FUCKING LOVE THE PRODUCTION DESIGN AND SETS ON THIS SHOW. I love how dirty and rundown a lot of the spaceship sets look with wires and lights scattered everywhere. And a number of alien designs also go CRAZY with the prosthetics - I keep thinking about the Hath from The Doctor’s Daughter and how every head prosthetic had liquid inside it that could bubble. Absolutely crazy. I also love the moments where you can clearly see they did not have that much time and just had to throw something together or pain a bald cap green. Jank is the nature of sci-fi production design and I dearly love and miss that Doctor Who jank.
Rebuild of Evangelion
Last year after finishing the original Evangelion series + End of Evangelion, I remember going through the Evangelion tumblr tag and being very confused by the number of slice of life/found family-esque fanworks of the cast. It left me puzzled and thinking “...did we even watch the same thing??”
APPARENTLY NOT
[spoiler warning here because these movies are very good and i give the best parts away. if you want to watch these movies then DO IT NOW!!!!!!!!]
I honestly never expected a world where these characters got a happy ending. I so, so badly wish I could see 3.0 and 3.0+1.0 in theaters - these movies are stunning. I know I say things “go crazy” a lot, but man. They go fucking CRAZY.
While I have a few issues with how the first two movies adapted the original show, I do think the changes they made better serve the story this rebuild is trying to tell. For example, my favorite episode in the original Eva series is episode 18, where Toji is chosen to pilot Unit 03. It’s absolutely terrifying because Shinji doesn’t know who 03’s pilot is, yet he’s forced to be inside Unit 01 as it tears 03 apart. His resolve not to kill anyone despite not even knowing who’s in danger is an aspect of that episode I love and speaks to Shinji's inherent humanity, and when he learns Toji was in there it hurts even more. The rebuild movies change Unit 03’s pilot to Auska, and Shinji knows she’s in there from the start. I think this choice works for the movies and is still an effective emotional beat, but personally I still prefer the version where Shinji had no idea who was in there. That lack of knowledge is infinitely more terrifying to me.
I really like what these movies did with some of the angel designs though. The sixth angel (the fuckin. blue diamond cube thing) works really well in 3D/CG animation. The way the thing warps and moves is otherly and terrifying - and it’s just a fucking cube. I’ve always really loved how the Eva series approaches angel designs and the divine - despite the alien-like designs, there’s often something extremely familiar about them. They’re often reminiscent of an animal, a machine, or a human. This is also how they approached the anti-universe in these movies, I loved how it takes the form of various locations from the series and turns them into a movie set. It’s deeply familiar, but ultimately just an illusion of familiarity like the angels and the divine.
Also I gotta say. I fucking love Mari. I think she’s hilarious. She first meets Shinji by accidentally parachuting into him and then immediately starts crawling on all fours to sniff him. This girl also introduces “Beast Mode” where the Eva pilots can go wild turn their mechs into a fucking. superpowered beast of some sort. And also she defeats a whole army by using the Eiffel Tower as a spear. She’s such an absurd character and I honestly kinda love it. The only thing I knew about these movies before watching them was this gif of her Backing That Shit Up and she truly lives up to the insane nature of this shot.
My favorite section of these movies is definitely the first part of 3.0+1.0 where the pilots are basically just living a domestic life in a small town - it’s truly beautiful. The growth that Rei’s copy goes through here is fantastic, I love stories about seemingly emotionless beings learning how to live. And right after she dies, we get the shot that absolutely broke me the first time I saw it:
This shit. The way you can just barely tell he’s been crying from the red around his eyes. They don't talk about it, they barely linger on it, but it's allowed just enough time to punch you in the gut. I don’t know why this shot got me as hard as it did but goddamn. jesus christ. i want to throw up
There’s some goofy shit in these movies. The infinite synch rate. Misato’s stupidass hat and sunglasses. Some goofy ass 3D animation that doesn’t age super well. The rainbow that shows up every time an angel dies. But these things really didn’t take me out of the core of these films, and there’s so much genuine emotion and beauty in this series that had me absolutely hooked - especially in the last two films. They go crazy. My favorite line is 100% “The only thing a son can do for his father is pat him on the shoulder… or kill him.” and man. ain’t that what Evangelion is all about. i love these movies
High School Musical 3
kinda slaps just a little bit
High School Musical 3 starts with a finale number. The last high school basketball game of Troy Bolton’s life - and it goes kinda hard. The classic pep band brass that’s essential to so many High School Musical numbers returns, and the constant theme of two feuding cheer teams in the background? Genius. This is truly art. I love listening to Now or Never without visuals because in the middle Troy just starts coughing and gagging seemingly out of nowhere
Unfortunately, starting the movie at such a high point means that the rest of the runtime doesn’t quite match up to it. The story lags and meanders quite a bit, but part of me kinda appreciates that - it’s their last semester of high school, which is always a time of confusion and turmoil. However, I do have a pitch for how they could have countered the constant falling action this movie seems to go through:
The Wildcats should have lost their last game at the beginning of the movie.
What if the game is instead the inciting incident that leads Troy and his besties through their tumultuous last semester? Troy is still torn between basketball and theater, but his identity would be even further challenged here - is winning and success all that matters for him, or is it the love of sport and performance that keeps him going? idk whatever this movie came out 16 years ago i can’t be out here writing AUs for it jgnfsgfnjdksg
Some miscellaneous thoughts about this movie that i don’t care about formatting into larger paragraphs:
Ryan and Sharpay’s number (I Want It All) slaps as usual. The part where Ryan shouts “MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!!!!!!!” makes me so happy every time i hear it
The production design and sets go absolutely fucking crazy. I still have no idea how they pulled off the spinning hallway in Scream.
One of the classic staples of HSM is Chad’s shirts. Most of them are fairly silly and like something you would expect to find in the walmart clearance section. However, there’s one shirt he has in this movie that confused the hell out of me. It’s this one:
What the FUCK does Greenster mean. Is it just a combination of Green and Monster?? Why??? What green monster are we talking about here????? Where the fuck did this shirt come from?????????
Avatar The Last Airbender (2024)
There’s really only one word I can think of to describe what this show is like: sauceless. No flavor. No depth. No character. No sauce. This show is honestly so fucking boring and seems to fundamentally misunderstand what the appeal of the original Avatar series is - not necessarily because things are changed or removed from the original, but because nothing of substance is added in return.
Most of the characters are mere echoes of their original counterparts when compared to their source material. Sokka is reduced to a guy who wants to fight good, Katara’s stubborn and confrontational nature is very rarely utilized, and Aang’s mischievous antics and love of fun is sorely missing. One of the major reasons for the dull interpretations seems to be the directing - While I have faith that most of these actors are trying their best (especially since a number of them are kids/young adults), the direction seems to be incredibly lackluster and takes away nearly every cast member’s stage presence or personality. There’s a number of reaction shots of the main trio that just look like this: 😐😐😐 as if they were just told to “look concerned” at the events unfolding before them. And these issues are apparent in the majority of the performances - for example, General Zhao talks like he’s in a board meeting up until the last episode, and it’s an incredibly flat performance. He talks somewhat monotone in the original series as well, but this live-action take on the character often meanders with his dialogue and lacks that sharp, terrifying quality that I think this character needs. Uncle Iroh also feels incredibly stiff in this adaptation, and it’s a goddamn crime that they took away the cunty little outfit and chains he was originally wearing when he gets captured by earthbenders. wait who said that
Credit where credit is due, there’s a few cast members that seem to be giving their best. It’s clear that Aang’s actor enjoys the role and does pretty well despite the lackluster direction and dialogue he’s given. On top of that, I think Zuko’s actor is honestly the best part of the show. His take on Zuko leans much more into teenage tendencies and sarcasm, which, although it can be silly, is a welcome take of the character in my opinion and pretty fun to watch. There’s this one line he has at the beginning of episode 2 where, in an incredibly whiny tone of voice, he goes “He RAN! The ultimate warrior! He’s a Coward :((((“ and the read is so. fucking funny
The case of bad direction isn’t limited to the performances, however. It’s also stunningly apparent in how everything is shot. Despite being in a widescreen format, most shots are incredibly centered - you could crop the entire runtime into a 4:3 frame and you wouldn’t be cutting out much of anything. I’ve seen some speculation that this was an intentional choice to make things more adaptable or readable for TikTok/phone video, but honestly I think that’s a dumb take. I think the issue stems from a lack of creativity and thoughtless composition. Keeping everything staged in the center can make shots feel disjointed, lacking much depth, or completely empty. It’s a boring way to shoot and indicates that the show lacks any unique vision at all.
Overall, this show doesn't really seem to understand what makes Avatar interesting in the first place. It's more interested in spectacle and action than the characters' relationships, emotions, and mistakes. I try not to compare it too much to the original since it's allowed to take liberties with its adaptation, but very few of its changes add much to the end result or give it a unique voice. It's just sauceless and boring.
Some YouTube videos i liked in February:
💥 My House.WAD - Inside Doom's Most Terrifying Mod (some supplemental House of Leaves material for ya)
💥 Martha Jones Deserved Better (this video explains how Doctor Who did Martha dirty better than i ever could)
💥 bringing JUSTICE to the worst garfield game
💥 Selling Kids for Clout: The Downfall of Family Channels
And that’s my roundup for February! Thank you for reading, I promise there are no more reviews left to scroll through below this goodbye. Nope, nothing else I watched this month. Bye!
…ok is everyone gone. phew, i’m glad no one noticed i pulled an hbomberguy and hid the largest part of this post under a false ending. Anyway holy shit i need to talk about hazbin hotel
Hazbin Hotel
well i didn’t like it
Hazbin Hotel is a weird, fascinating mess of a show. Every episode left me wondering what creative decisions (or lack thereof) led to the sequence of images I just watched. There’s been a lot of discussion of this show recently and I’m not interested in covering every critique I have, but there’s a few things that I'd like to talk about somewhat in-depth.
Hell is real and it's just Red Chicago
The setting of Hell is kinda boring in this show.
Let me try to put this into perspective. Aside from the hotel, here’s a list of the locations we see in Hell:
A boardroom
A video store
Vox’s evil lair (it has cyber sharks which is kinda cool)
Various streets
Another boardroom
A BDSM club
Carmilla’s house (it’s gray and has. balconies?)
A porn studio
A bar
Another bar
A town square (full of cannibals)
None of these locations really take on any sort of otherworldly form besides some vague demonic imagery scattered throughout (and the cannibals. i guess. whatever). In short, Hazbin Hotel’s setting resembles Chicago more than it does Hell.
I can see a world where that’s intentional. Perhaps making Hell resemble a modern city could be used as a thematic tool or point of relatability? But Hazbin doesn’t really do anything like that - since the characters rarely ever interact with their environments, these locations end up seeming like they lack creativity, like they’re just cardboard sets where characters go to swear. They all start to blend together after a while - every street feels the same, every boardroom fades into the background, and every bar feels like a google image search result for the word “club.” This world feels stunningly empty despite the busy designs and colors. Even though the backgrounds are painted and designed fairly well, nothing of substance is ever really added to them through the story.
However, a few musical numbers take effort to break away from these settings. This felt like a weight off of my shoulders whenever it happened, it was nice to see some interesting setpieces and backgrounds that weren’t red. I liked the bombastic and over-the-top broadway lights in Loser and the glowing alternate world in Charlie and Lucifer’s song. But these moments are few and crowded by the dull locations in Hell - or worse, the Hotel itself.
Despite being the namesake of the show, the actual Hazbin Hotel is… lifeless. Which, yeah, it’s a hotel where dead people go in the afterlife, but it’s missing any sort of personality or history besides “it’s old and falling apart.” I expected the hotel to be full of secrets - like maybe some hidden passages or rooms, or mysterious cabinets full of rotted meats, or old valuables hidden under the rugs by the previous owners. Something for the cast to explore and discover, and as they get closer to each other they also start to understand the hotel more. Alastor seems very intent on keeping the physical hotel standing for some reason, but I never really understood why. There’s nothing there. And that nothingness is fully realized when at the end of the show, they just rebuild the entire hotel to be grand and beautiful - an emotional beat that didn’t hit me at all because I never felt like I knew the hotel in the first place. Despite rebuilding it from the ground up, it will feel just as empty.
3 SHOTS THAT DRIVE ME CRAZY
I was truly baffled at how some of these scenes are timed and put together. Multiple sequences left me feeling nauseous and dazed - the camera moves like it’s being swung on the end of a rope, and there’s so many misplaced or meaningless cuts scattered through these episodes.
There’s a sequence of three shots in the first episode that I want to dissect. I will fully admit that I'm breaching nitpicking territory here, but the shot composition issues in this show are pretty rampant and my analysis here is just a hyper-specific look at a single part of that larger problem. Hopefully you can also use it as a quick storyboarding lesson too idk
First, we see Adam teasing Charlie.
Then, it cuts straight to this shot:
A few things here.
Shot 2 is just closer on the characters, which is not a great idea to cut to after the previous waist-up shot. On top of being a jarring jump cut, there is no purpose for this new shot. All the information we see here (Adam laughs, Charlie fake laughs) could have just been conveyed in the previous shot.
Despite the characters being in the same position as the last shot, the background changes. This straight up just feels like an error. I think the idea is supposed to be that the camera is at a different angle, but the position of the characters does not convey that. It looks like reality changes behind them.
And if that’s not enough, this is the shot we get immediately after those two:
In this shot, the residents of the hotel sit on the couch as Vaggie walks into the shot, framing them between her legs. But there’s something… off.
Vaggie either looks like she’s floating or she’s three stories tall. Quick storyboard lesson as to why:
The main problem with this shot is that the perspective of the background doesn’t match up with where Vaggie is placed. The couch is framed as if the camera were above it, but Vaggie is framed like the camera is floor-level below her. I’ve traced the shot and added a perspective grid to hopefully better illustrate this:
Do you see what I mean? If the camera WAS actually on the floor like Vaggie’s position in the shot suggests, the composition would look more like this:
Notice how much closer the floor grid is to the bottom of the frame and how you can see the underside of the couch.
And to be fair, this is probably what the original storyboard for this shot looked like! Personally I think something went wrong in the compositing stage - this might be a couch background from another shot that was reused here to save time, or whoever approved this shot just let the error slide since the shot is so short (i've been there. sometimes you let the jank slide). Most animated shows will have some poorly framed shots and continuity errors because mistakes are bound to happen, but two egregious ones right next to each other like this is. pretty bad. It's so noticeable from a directing perspective.
Here’s the thing: these three shots happen in the span of like 10 seconds. Most viewers probably wouldn’t notice these issues, and that's fine. But even though these errors are quick, they stack upon each other so fast that even if you can’t pinpoint exactly what’s wrong, something still feels wrong. There’s so many other moments where the show breaks extremely basic shot composition, continuity, and staging rules - for example, the second musical number of the show breaks the 180 rule like four times for no good reason. The whole show feels like a dizzy, nauseating mess because the shots rarely feel like they form anything cohesive.
MY ROOMMATE TOLD ME TO GO TO BED SO HERE ARE SOME FINAL THOUGHTS
Here’s a rundown on some other thoughts that I don’t care to format into larger sections:
The show seems to lack much to say about sin and redemption other than “redemption good.” like sure, but what are they being redeemed from? Is heaven truly the place they deserve to go after being redeemed, even though it’s shown to be unjust? Are there sins that are too great to be redeemed from, or others that shouldn't be considered sins at all? I asked myself a number of questions like this, but never got many answers from Hazbin.
This show has a bad relationship with kink and sex. Both are mostly used as a punchline or a form of control. I didn’t like it. Perhaps the reason Hazbin never really comments on the nature of sin is because it needs you to consider sex and kink sinful or otherly for these jokes to hit.
Some of the animation is crazy good. I will praise any animator that even attempts to make these character designs move. A number of extremely talented people worked on this show, a few of the musical sequences in particular have some incredible movement.
Alastor is a very boring character. It’s wild that most of the side characters in this show only exist to talk about how much they like or hate Alastor, he mostly just stands to the side of some shots or kills random nameless goons. I expected him to have a much larger role in the story, but he just gets his ass kicked in the final episode and then crawls back to the hotel.
Episode 4 is the most cohesive, and i think Angel is the best character in the show. Unfortunately, the fact that Hazbin takes so much effort to show Angel’s misery left me… concerned? None of the other characters get treated as poorly as Angel by the narrative. There’s a few smaller explorations of trauma, but nothing remotely compares to what Angel is put through on-screen. This isn’t to say that I think the whole cast needs to be extremely traumatized and constantly miserable, but rather that I find it concerning that the only character subjected to incredibly graphic abuse and torture (that we see or hear about) is the gay sex worker. Which sucks, because I think the concept of hypersexuality resulted from sexual abuse is an important topic worthy of discussing in adult media. I just think they tried to execute this theme without much critical thought beforehand.
I think the voice cast does a fantastic job for the most part. Keith David is way too good for Husk.
I really liked the one shot where Charlie opens her phone and we see that she has a contact for every individual egg minion.
I was very brave and got through this whole review without talking about my new least favorite character of all time, Vox. here’s what I think of him:
The overall vision and end result of Hazbin Hotel is just mediocre. While I don’t know what led to the messy state this show ended up in, my guess is that it was probably the result of inadequate direction, sloppy writing, and lacking creative support from the studios involved. Because of this, please understand that I have no desire or intention to put down any individual artists that worked on this show - I hope it's clear that most of my criticisms are directed at the larger vision these artists were given to execute and/or the lack of creative support they received while working on this show.
I also don’t really have much desire to participate in any further Hazbin discussion or discourse because it has wasted enough of my time already and I want to be free of this curse. please spare my inbox from hazbin hotel discourse. please. i'm begging.
You want to know what the most fucked up thing about this is though? Despite everything I said about Hazbin, Avatar the Last Airbender 2024 is still the worst show I watched this month. I would take Hazbin over Avatar 2024 literally any day.
well if you got this far. thanks for reading. also sorry you read all that. whelp alright back into my hole i go bye bye
#to get to my hazbin hotel opinions you must first read my pitch on how i would have written high school musical 3#jesus christ. either i gotta watch less things or learn to shut the hell up next month this is a longass post#review roundup#long post
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List of MY OWN PERSONAL LGBTQ 4KOTA/NNT HEADCANONS PT1/?
(Again, for those who can't fucking read, this is MY OWN PERSONAL headcanons and NO ONE ELSE'S! You do not have to agree or like my own personal headcanons, but please respect them thank you besties 🤪)
(ALSO! I will say that there are some flags that I made sure to look up and research to make sure everything is accurate! But, if something on here is NOT accurate nor used correctly, I'd love it if you guys could let me know and keep me educated! Thank you!)
Tristan
My boy is transfeminine and a PROUD bi-mlm (bi w/pref for men) icon 🥰 While he was born with male pronouns, he's very feminine leaning but doesn't really mind any pronouns used for him, so he's a little agender as well. He's found that he is attracted to both genders but most definitely prefers men (COUGHS LANCELOT COUGHS).
2. Lancelot
GAAAAAY!!!!! This is a one hundred and twelve thousand percent GAAAAAAAY man right here. But, in saying that, he's is ALSO aromantic as he has an extremely hard time forming a romantic bond with another person whatsoever. Sure, he'll go out and have fun with other guys from time to time, but he's never felt any romantic feelings for another, everything is just purely sexual whenever he has these 'encounters' (...enter one Tristan Liones. and Lancelot's whole world is flipped upside down).
3. Percival
AAAAA Percy my beloved 🥰 my boy is proudly Pansexual! He'll find himself being attracted to anyone no matter how they identify! All that matters to him is what's in your heart. But, he's also demisexual as he very rarely forms sexual attraction to those around him. He DOES have a big fat ginormous crush on Naisens though! Although he doesn't really realize it lol.
4. Gawain
GAWAIN MY BUTCH LESBIAN ICON!!! She's VERY much into women and women ONLY! She's never had an attraction to men, in fact she thinks that the whole world would be better if there were only women (oml same queen). She's not a very feminine leaning lesbian which is why I assigned her the butch lesbian flag! She prefers to present more masculine-like as she wants to be seen as strong and dominant, but does not identify nor use male pronouns.
5. Naisens
That kid is non-binary all the WAAAAY and Nakaba PLEASE you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever and make it canon with Naisens PLEEEEAAAAAASE. Post-time skip Naisens uses they/them pronouns and dresses more neutral to not assume either or any gender. They're also pansexual! Any gender, any sexuality works with them as long as your name is Percival LMFAO
Part 2 will come soon! I want to try and do as many characters as I can! Stay tuned and I'd love to hear your guys' OWN headcanons as well!
#nanatsu no taizai#mokushiroku no yonkishi#the seven deadly sins#the four knights of the apocalypse#tristan liones#lancelot#4kota percival#4kota gawain#naisens#4kota headcanons#4kota spoilers#4kota#meliodas#elizabeth liones#4kota anime#4kota manga
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Second chance lovers?
Theodore Nott x reader
[Angst] Fluff Spicy
Warnings: swearing, arguing, toxic theo, LMK IF I MISSED ANY.
꧁★☽𖦹☾★꧂
Theodore Nott. Your ex boyfriend, why you may ask? Well he cheated on you with your raven claw friend Presca flowtop. You walked in on them fucking. God you were furious.
Two years down the Drain on some nimwhit like him. But Merlin were you in love with that nimwhit. But when you walked in they noticed after a few seconds and hurried with their clothes. You fought the butch then next day, and LORD it felt amazing.
But in that moment of seeing them, all you wanted to do was beat the shit out of Nott, but also cry in his arms. He was your safety net and vice versa. Not any more though, that was four months ago.
And right now your in the middle of the hall way lost in thought, but once that bell rang it snapped you out of it and you ran to snapes class room.
You do not want be late again, merlin knows what he would do.
As soon as you enter the class you were the third person there. You sigh in relief and take your seat. This is your LEAST favorite class for many reasons. You hate snape, it’s the first class of the day, and it’s with Nott.
Like your good at potions, your not failing but your not amazing at it. Your in the middle which is where you want to be at this moment.
You take out your book and quill and open to the page your going over today and then take out some parchment.
While doing so you hear someone pull out a chair and sit down, thinking it’s your friend ginney you turn to say hi but realize it is not Ginney. But a skank.
He gives you a small smile and greets you, “hey Y/n.” You roll your eyes and ignore him, he’ll have to leave when ginney arrives and she’s usually early to class on most days.
Hopefully that’s today, so you grab your ink and place it opening it dipping your quill in it and start writing the date and your name.
Theodore sighs turning fully to face you, “come on y/n. You can’t ignore me forever.” He says quietly trying not to alarm anyone in the class, yes it’s early which means it’s kind off empty. But that also means it’s very quiet, so just raising your voice a tad bit is loud.
You look over at him in disbelief and scoff is he really serious right now? “Watch me Nott.” I told him, already annoyed with a few words he’s spoken.
His face scrunched up at the use of his last name, he doesn’t mind if it’s other people, hell he prefers other people to use that name when talking to him but you.
Never the less he rolls his eyes “come on N/N.” He scoffs back. ‘Is talking to me that bad?’ He wonders, missing the conversations you both used to have before everything was better.
i scoff again, why is he even calling me by my nick name? Since when has he gotten that privilege again? “Stop calling me that. And leave me alone.” I tell him still not giving him a single glance.
His face slightly sours but before he can say anything else he moves his seat hearing snapes footsteps but before he leaves he says, “Fine.” his hands clenched in fists as he moves and sits down, and looks out the window.
I sigh listening to the teacher, Professor snape, as the whole class is now here. He says we need partners for the potions project and he’s picking them himself.
As he says names he says mine, then he says Theodore Nott, i groan and look over at Nott. Snape literally hates me and he’s clearly out to get me.
We get up and move to sit with our new partners. I sit down next to him. Snape hands is the instructions on what we have to do and I groan knowing this will most likely take a week.
Theodore hears your groan and rolls his eyes. “Oh for Merlin’s sake. I don’t want you as a partner either.” You internally laugh at how quickly his opinion and feelings can change.
You make a fake pouty face “didn’t you want to talk to me five seconds ago?” I say in a teasing tone. He scoffed, “Yeah five seconds ago, but now I realize how annoying you are.”
You roll your eyes and ask, “When do you want to do the project. I wanna hurry up and get it over and done with as soon as possible.” He shrugs. “After class I guess. But I’m warning you I’m Not doing all the work.”
“Ok?” You look him up and down annoyed, ‘god he’s so fucking- I have no words to describe this boy.’ You thought, then continued to pay attention to class.
Theo watches you, bored. his eyes lingering on every small movement, the smallest facial expression, every time you hear a small noise and look that way, every time you move your hair out of your face.
꧁★☽𖦹☾★꧂
after class you start packing and Presca walks over to theo hugging him, then making eye contact with me smirking. You scoff, you do not wanna deal with that today or ever.
Theo rolls his eyes at something kind of hard to tell, before greeting her back and awkwardly hugging her.
You watch, your eyes start to get watery, you leave before you can make scene. As you walk away you mumble ‘jackass’ and walk out of the class pissed off and hurt.
Theo chuckles to himself before getting up and following you. You can tell Nott is following you, annoyed with the boy you confront him still walking to the library to get books. “what the fuck do you want Nott.”
Theo smirks behind your back. “I want to see if my ex is okay is all.” He shrugs before reaching your side and slightly touches your hip assuming it’s to stop you from walking any farther.
You smack his hand away “don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. And don’t look at me. I’ll do my part of the project and you do yours.” You told him, staring at him with a look of mixed emotions.
He sighs. He was hoping for a response, but that wasn’t the one he wanted. He just wants to talk to you. His hand rests back on your hip, but this time he doesn’t budge after you try to move it. “I’m just talking to you, calm down.”
You move out of his grip “if you wanted to talk to me then you should have never cheated.” You say with a scoff before trying to leave again. Are you overreacting? Probably who knows. But what he did was just a few months ago.
The wound is still fresh, you still feel angry and mad at him for what he did. It’s not like in four months you can just stop caring for a two year relationship that ended horribly. And just simply have small talk and spend time with him.
Theo catches your arm again not letting you leave. “just wait for a goddamn moment!” He says, his voice sounding harsh, and a little demanding.
You groan. “god your fucking tiring what do you want?!” You say, on the verge of pulling out your hair. Theo stares directly into your eyes. “I want you Y/n.” He says sounding somewhat sincere..?
 that doesn’t matter though, you stare at him in disbelief, “like I said-you should’ve thought about that before you- hm- oh! cheated four months ago.” Theo scoffed “Are you that sensitive? You know I was drunk.” He said, looking at you with a raised eyebrow, but you know he was lying. Theo doesn’t drink on school days- and he simply wasn’t drunk.
And with him lying trying to save his ass just pissed you off. You began to raise your voice, people now starting to look at you both, “drunk my ass! The only thing you were was high off your ass! And that isn’t an excuse!”
Theo chuckles lightly. “I admit it I was high. But you’re being such a baby about it! It was 4 months ago, let it go.”
You start laughing at how ridiculous he sounds, then you look at him, “so I cheated on you with mattheo your best friend you wouldn’t be mad?” You ask egging him on knowing he would get mad.
Theo doesn’t speak for a few seconds. He looks at you with a stone cold stare, trying his best to not let that theory affect him. but after a while he spoke. “I wouldn’t care.” He shrugs. And then laughs. “Mattheo has nothing on me anyways. Why would you cheat on me with him?” Theo scoffs.
“Maybe because he would treat me better then you ever did.” You said tearing up out of anger. not caring if it hurt theos feelings or not because at this point you were done.
Theo laughed at you for saying that. It was a cruel laugh. As he took a deep breath to continue laughing, once he stopped he saw your tear stained cheeks and then new ones coming down. his face changed to one that was soft and remorseful for a second, but he refused to let you see it. “I treated you fine darling.” He said.
“Maybe in the beginning. Not in the end.” You say wiping your tears, every one now looking at you both in the hall making you embarrassed.
Theo doesn’t acknowledge the stares. He simply looks at you with a smirk and his eyes slowly travel the length of your body from top to bottom before he spoke again. “Don’t cry darling, you’re not the victim here.” He said, chuckling you couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not.
But the heat of the moment got the best of you. So you slap him in the face, shocking him. “fucking hate you.” You told him before turning to leave to the slytherin common room.
Theo’s eyes widen before he quickly grabs your wrist. “No! Don’t you dare walk away.” Theo says in a demanding voice. You yell has he grabbed you, “Let go Theodore!”
Theo didn’t let go of your wrist, his grip tight, but not painful he had no intention of hurting you, he never did. “No. Calm down and we can talk about this privately. Stop making a scene!”
You struggle in his grip ignoring what he’s saying. “let go!” you yell still crying, everyone gathers around whispering. Theo looks down at you, his eyes staring down into yours. As you struggle he slightly loosens the grip, making sure he’s not hurting you. “No, Y/n relax.”
“I don’t want to talk at all anymore! We did you clearly don’t feel bad about cheating. Just let go!” You yell at him, voice all hurt begging him to let go.
Theodore’s eyebrows raise. He scoffs a bit before his eyes rest on yours. “You’re really not making this easy, darling.” He puts you down but not letting go of your hips in a gentle grasp, but strong enough that you can’t leave.
You try to push him back, “do you not get it?” But it doesn’t work.
Theo was stubborn, as he tried to bring you somewhere more private, but you don’t budge. “Enough Nott!” And this time you push him hard enough having him stumble back. Mattheo, Draco, Pansy, Blaise, and Enzo runs over. Enzo and Pansy helping me, and Draco and Blaise trying to reason with theo to drop it and mattheo yelling at theo.
Theo’s eyes instantly goes to everyone. “You all, stay out of this this is between me and Avery.” Theo says with a annoyed and frustrated voice.
mattheo scoffed telling him “she clearly doesn’t want anything to do with you!” Mattheo yells at theo poking his chest harshly, “leave theo your breaking the poor girls heart even more.” Pansy said rubbing my back as I hug Enzo, theo getting a bit jealous at that.
Theo was getting angrier and annoyed by the second, he wanted to tell everyone to fuck off and take you away from Enzo’s arms, as he saw you hugging him, his jaw slowly clenching.
Blaise sighs and yells at circle around us “show is over you fucking assholes! Go fuck off!” And everyone starts to leave. Then everyone but theo leaves with you, to pansy’s room leaving Theodore in the middle of the hallway.
꧁★☽𖦹☾★꧂
Part two? YAY or NEY.
#fanfic#fanfiction#x reader#theo nott imagine#harry potter#Theodore Nott is so fine idc#pansy parkinson#blaise zabini#draco malfoy#lorenzo berkshire
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A continuation of this post, more quotes from me and @look-at-those-niceass-rocks watching Pink Ladies together, this time episodes 4-7 (again shared with permission, and since the cast is in the house, @saveourpinks, please enjoy our unhinged dumbassery):
Principal Nicholson is a fuckin' weenie
(during Sorry to Distract) I am looking respectfully. I am looking SO respectfully.
Their husband, distantly: I doubt that
Me: *WHEEZE*
(During Carelessly) The true bisexual experience is not knowing which one of them you would rather be making out in the park with. (I am pan but I concur)
(@ Buddy) OH POOR FUCKING BABY, find purpose outside of your socially assigned tasks
Fucking of course his name is Leonard
Them: I would've gone fucking feral for this show in high school.
Both of us, in sync: I'm going fucking feral for it now
Me: Anyway, rest in peace Cynthia Zdunowski, you would've loved they/them pronouns
Them: *CHOKE*
Wally: I'm kinda hungry
Them: Looks like she's kinda thirsty
(About Richie and Jane "needing to talk") That has spiked MY anxiety and I'm not even Jane. I would have been CHASING that little shit down.
(When Vaughn told Lydia to help Cynthia) I want a very sexually charged line reading session between the two of them and if I don't get it I Will Cry-- Levi, I don't like the way you're laughing right now
(Note I couldn't breathe for a Hot Minute, I forgot they somehow hadn't seen any spoilers for this show)
Richie: Jane's my girl, not my boss
Them: YOu are wrong, she is both. I've seen the way you look at her I'm not a fuckin' idiot.
Me: Anytime I see Lydia or Cynthia I just embody that one quote- Did you ever watch Boy Meets World?
Them: What, no?
Me: Hang on, there's a quote from Shawn, I'll find it
(Note it took me five minutes to find this clip, 2:00-2:09 if you're curious, but the quote is: Aw to heck with it, marry me! I live in a trailer park and I have no education but my hair does this!)
The entirety of Merely Players consisted of a stream of: fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
(@ Mr. Pedo Man) You deserve beige you piece of shit
KEEP EVERY PART OF YOUR BODY AWAY FROM THIS LITERAL CHILD
(After Jane and Richie's fight) Think about the last time a boy gave her his jacket you fucking dipshit, you goddamn weenie.
(Honorable mention: Both of us replying to everything Richie said in that argument with "Yeah, it is about her, it's her life, what's wrong with her wanting an education???")
Me: I love how the most scathing insult you can think of is to call someone a weenie, are you eight?
Them: It's fifties appropriate!
Vaughn: You are a revelation!
Them: Yeah, she's a revelation to my fucking sexuality
Them: [Husband], they're lesbians!
Husband, nowhere near the computer: I know
(Jane got more votes) HEHEHE GET FUCKED
Me: I love how quickly your opinion of this man changed from the first episode, you were ready to simp and now you hate him
Them: YEAH BECAUSE i THOUGHT HE WAS NICE I WAS BAMBOOZLED AND I'M MAD ABOUT IT.
Jane and Buddy: *kiss at the end of episode 4*
Them: I am going to bite his nose off
Lydia: You swallow your consonants
Them: Well you were swallowing her tongue a minute ago, that probably didn't fucking help
Me: *choking on drink*
(during Girl's Can't Drive): Mama I'm a Big Girl Now walked so this song could fucking RUN
Them: So when does Hazel get a jacket?
Me: I have no idea what you're talking about, shut up
(After me reading them the discrepancies between the amount of Thesbians fics on AO3 to literally anything else) I am addressing this to every single person who writes in this fandom, puh-LEASE seek therapy
Me: *short rant on how I Cannot Resist a Butch in a White Tshirt*
Them: I'm just obsessed with [Lydia's] robe, I wanna take it...off.
[Husband]: *unintelligible*
Them: THE ACTOR IS AN ADULT I CAN FIND THEM ATTRACTIVE
(after I pointed out that Lydia keeps staring out the window at the Frosty Palace like she's waiting for someone) I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE
Me: I have a fic for you
Them: if it's more Potato, I'm down
Olivia: *slaps Richie*
Them: She could wake me up like that, I wouldn't complain
I would be a 1950s housewife for Potato
Them: I am no longer simping for Richie
Me: He's having a hard time right now
Them: I know this, and I will resume simping later when he's done being stupid
T-Birds: *having a heart-to-heart*
Them: *sniff* They're all coming over to my house and I'm making them soup and bread
Richie: I think I'm in love (one tear catches light)
Both of us, Supernatural veterans: ~a single man-tear~ *FIVE MINUTES OF WHEEZING LAUGHTER*
You can find part three here!
#your honor we are unhinged#grease rise of the pink ladies#rise of the pink ladies#save our pinks#save rise of the pink ladies#save rotpl#cynthia zdunowski#thesbians#cynthia x lydia
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re ur tags on that bruce springsteen tweet - if you ever wanna make a post abt ur thoughts on bruce and presenting masculinity, id love to hear em
Oh, you shouldn't support me on this, they are way too many thoughts and I don't even know if I can put them into words; but I guess this is that post now. Thank you for showing interest, and sorry in advance lmao.
Listen, Springsteen is the fucking epitome of butchnes, and funnily enough, he is so in a queer way. None of this is me claiming Springsteen is queer at all, but his presentation of masculinity is something very intentional, and it comes from a need to subvert the kind of masculinity he grew up around. It's quite literally a performance, his stage persona, and it's simultaneously a homage and a challenge to the idea of salt-of-the-earth, alpha manliness that he could never really achieve in real life.
As I've seen a post on tumblr say once, he's queer in much the same way that Dolly Parton is queer- as in, they aren't, but the gays still see themselves on them. Both are camp, in the sense that both are very intentionally playing the part of their gender to an almost artificial level; something queer people know all too well.
Because being butch for a cis man is usually just conforming to masculinity, it's about being cool and big and strong and all muscles; but being butch to anyone else is a sort of challenge. It's about proving yourself, while at the same time subverting the notions of gender and, especially, of masculinity, and turning it into something uniquely yours. In this sense, Springsteen talks about his stage persona as this one-dimensional shell of coolness that hides the complexities of being a man; of being kind and sensitive and of loving those around you openly and loudly.
In a way, his masculinity is a mix of everything his father was and everything he wished his father had been; of all the ways their identities clashed while he was looking for his own self. If he makes sure to look incredibly masculine on stage while he sings about the problems of America, the harshness of capitalism, about love and fear and beauty; if he's really butch while Clarence Clemons holds him in his arms and kisses him on the lips; it's at least a little bit about challenging his father. A man who forcibly shaved his long hair while he was immobilized because his son was looking too feminine.
And Springsteen's presentation of masculinity has other layers, not the least of which being the fact that it's a very blue collar, working class type of masculinity. His leather jackets and blue jeans and white t-shirts became a staple of the cool guy look, sure; but they came from growing up at a factory town, from being raised by a working man with the ideals of the 1950's and a very strict idea of what Being a Man means. Because life is tough, and to be a man you need to be tougher.
But there's also the context in which he started making his art. He was a kid, and he had a band, and he quickly found out that the places where that was seen as a good thing were the ones filled with other outcasts. So he made a career of singing at coastal bars and in gay clubs and of writing about those different lives, and eventually he found the E Street Band and met Clarence who "opened up the doors of soul for a poor white guy", and so both blackness and queerness influenced his very specific, and still very universally recognizable, version of masculinity. It's all intentional, and it's all much more complex than it might seem at first glance.
Anyways, sorry for ranting, I just have a lot of feelings about Bruce Springsteen and about masculinity as a performance.
#bruce springsteen#i really have way too many thoughts about this#but springsteen's manliness is to dolly parton's femininity as wrestling is to drag. I cant explain it but. yeah. gender performances.
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ghost trick character's genders
along with some other hcs relating to them! warnings for ghost trick spoilers and mentions of dysphoria, surgery, and pregnancy
everyone's under the cut 👍
sissel: he's a cat he doesn't know what a gender is, BUT. he was a female cat during his ten years living with yomiel (hence why he was named after yomiel's fiance). after thinking he was yomiel for a while he just. kept seeing himself as male afterwards and everyone else did too. this cat accidentally got his gender transed
lynne: a sillygirl. a sunshinegirl. a boyfriendgirl. a deadguygirl. perhaps even a puppygirl. just nonbinary woman works too though. does no sort of physical transition
missile: dog
jowd: trans man, started transitioning in like his early-mid 20s. decided to pause his medical transition to carry his and alma's child despite his dysphoria, he wouldn't do it again but he's never regretted it. now is on t and has top and bottom surgery
alma: trans woman that's also a man but not and doesn't have any gender. oh and a bit multigender. usually not genderfluid though. don't worry about it do you want chicken she's ordering some for her family. started having Gender Weirdness as a high schooler and eventually was peaceful with her gender not making sense to anyone else, because it doesn't need to! fluctuating dysphoria but the body is usually worse than social. has been on and off e throughout the years and has bottom surgery
kamila: a budding sapphic who eventually blooms into a butch lesbian. yes as her gender. also has many xenic girl varieties like her sister and general gender weirdness like her mom
cabanela: yeah i have no idea what's going on here. he simultaneously feels Very Cisgender and Very Transgender to me. idk what he is we just need to acknowledge he kind of sucks more. and that can include him being cis. either way he does drag and this is important to his gender despite not being a woman in any way
pigeon man: trans man, started transitioning within the year he quit his job at the police force. he's only binary in the sense that he doesn't give a shit about finding labels besides "man". on t with no surgeries and doesn't plan on any. everything about his transition in all three timelines is identical to the minute somehow.
yomiel: it's... complicated. he was a trans man who came out in his mid-late teens, and was on t with top surgery when he died. he had a bit of a thing about being a Normal Binary Passing Man, but being dead and unknowable with no human friends and a disconnect from his body for ten years really fucked with that. like all social conventions, he has trouble readjusting to gender in the new timeline, but he's started reconnecting with femininity and exploring more labels. mainly just says he's transmasc, still taking t.
fiansissel: trans woman with extra woman and a side of fries and dip. sorry i don't have more for you girl you have the potential to be so interesting just by being in love with yomiel but that's the *only* thing you had the time to be ingame
other random chars: memry is transfem, emma and the minister are painfully cis but supportive, amelie is a demigirl, park guy is some sort of nonbinary in an insane dollar store soda flavor way, bailey and his 'friend' are both cis but in a hand-wavey "not unpacking that" way
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Talking About The Isabella Arc part 2
We know about Oswald's issues. We see the way he is underestimated and mocked by people who don’t know what he’s capable of. We see his codependent relationship with his mom. We see the way he tries to befriend Jim.
We know Oswald desperately wants deep and authentic companionship (romantic and platonic) because he feels extremely rejected by the world, and after his mother's death, I assume that his mother being kidnapped, tortured and killed feels to Oswald as if it is punishment for ever thinking he could be loved.
The one person who ever loved him truly was killed in such a cruel way. To Oswald's heart, he probably rationalizes that that is exactly the reason why she was killed. I’d imagine that Oswald feels even more insecure than he was before. Two hundredfold more after his father's murder.
Oswald falls in love with Ed. It makes sense. He and Ed are very similar, they have great chemistry, and Ed supports him.
I understand this. I do not however understand how one-sided the Isabella arc is. It seems purposefully written, at times, just to make Ed look irrational, and I really do not understand why.
I feel as though the audience is supposed to be on Oswald's side, and feel for him, while feeling that Ed is overreacting. Why? I don’t see what the point of it is, and it does both Oswald and Ed's characters a great disservice, I feel.
With my shipper goggles on, Ed's continued rejection of Oswald didn’t make any sense to me. They seemed very well suited to each other. Ed's reasons for never being romantically interested in Oswald seemed mostly non-existent.
And with how deeply he obviously cares for Oswald, it’s very easy for someone to be frustrated at him for not reciprocating Oswald's feelings. But when I take the goggles off, I realize how kind of offensive that perspective is.
When I try to put myself in Ed's shoes, I understand completely. Ed, like Oswald, desires deep companionship. The first girl who ever dated him (which he worked very hard to woo, he even killed a guy for her) fulfilled this need when he felt very alone and rejected in his life, but he accidentally killed her.
Ed finds a friend who gives him allyship, power and understanding. He works as Oswald's chief of staff, spending all his days doing things about him and for him.
He is given a second chance to redeem the relationship he ruined, and this time, she is even more fit for him. The problems with his relationship with Kristen are amended: Kristen still didn’t really appreciate Ed's quirks, and she (for good reason) distrusted him about Tom's disappearance.
Isabella likes his quirks and his riddles, and she completely trusts him to not harm her, even when knowing everything about his murders. (Yes, Isabella is sinister for quite a few reasons, but this is from Ed's perspective)
But that friend who is also his boss tries to scare Isabella away. And he tries to manipulate him into thinking he will kill Isabella.
(I personally feel that part in particular is really fucked up. If someone tried to convince me of something like that, I would flip out. I have OCD so it’s very harmful to convince me that I have no control over my actions.)
His friend then kills his girlfriend. Not only did he kill his second chance at love and redemption, but Oswald shows that to him, Ed is as much a pawn as anyone else in his life. From Ed's perspective, Ed is not special to him, he is only an object to be manipulated into doing what Oswald wants.
Oswald did that to this man who saved his life when he nursed him back to health, who went up against Butch to prove Oswald was loved, and again went up against Butch to prove to Oswald how much he means to him. He works for him day in and day out, and this is what Oswald does to him? All the sacrifices Ed made wasn’t enough, he had to take his girlfriend too? He had to plant doubt in Ed's head that he can’t be with a woman because he’d kill her?
Not only that, but Oswald's motives are romantic. He didn’t just treat Ed like his loved one didn’t matter, that his choices in life don’t matter, but he did it because he, supposedly, 'lOoOoOves' Ed. What a sick joke. What an absolutely dehumanizing insult.
I thought that Ed's accusations of selfishness were random and hypocritical, but even if they are hypocritical, I understand now.
Ed thought he was special to Oswald. He thought that he would not be subject to Oswald's cruelty like the rest of Oswald's goons, he thought that Oswald cared for him, was his true friend. But it turns out, (in Ed's mind) Oswald doesn’t care about Ed's feelings either. There is nothing Ed could do to make Oswald care enough about him to not kill the people closest to him for his own personal desires.
The person he tirelessly worked to befriend, who he fell in love with (platonic or romantic) is in fact a chasmous void that is not capable of reciprocating true caring.
And Oswald thought it would work. He thought he could just manipulate Ed and kill Isabella, and Ed would be his. He thought that he could just treat him like his true emotions didn’t matter and that would work. He REALLY thinks that poorly of him. He thinks it’s okay to use the person he 'loves' like that as long as Ed wouldn’t find out.
And imagine, just imagine how angry Ed must feel, how stupid he must feel that he really thought this cold blooded crimelord would care for him special. Imagine how regretful he feels that he did all this for Oswald, only to be used like he’s not even a human being, just a pretty thing for Oswald to play with.
And Oswald thinks saying he loves him makes it all better? He thinks that that doesn’t make Ed feel even more disrespected and objectified? Really? The fact that he doesn’t see how that makes it worse just goes to solidify in Ed's mind that Oswald is too selfish to ever truly care for him.
And as he’s about to be killed, he goes and tells Ed he 'made' him, same as when Fish told him? That he was nothing until she made him someone? It’s so shamelessly slimy.
If I was Ed, I would be livid. I would be heartbroken.
God, I wish we could have seen more of Ed's internal thought process. All we saw was one-dimensional anger, and it was so not fair. That’s so much more boring. There are so many things that could have been done to show Ed's side a bit more, and I’m disappointed that it didn’t happen.
Again, it’s easy to look at Ed's behavior and berate him for his internalized homophobia and repression, but let's face it: Even if Ed were in love with Oswald (which I think he was), he doesn’t owe Oswald anything at all. It’s completely his choice. Just because Oswald is a sad lonely little uwu gay baby doesn’t mean he needs to reciprocate.
No one, no matter how in love and desperate they are, and how bad they need to be accepted, is owed your love. That’s true of anyone.
If Ed was a woman, and Oswald killed Isabella to have Ed all to himself, it would be a VERY different story. There’s no way anyone could not see Oswald's predatory behavior if the genders were different. You see what I’m saying?
This is not at all a nygmobblepot hate post, if you try to say that, I will block you. I wouldn’t care so much if I didn’t love nygmobblepot with all my heart. It’s why I would want their chemistry to really shine.
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beta troll headcanons but i have headcanons on how alternian gender works ( its not that complex dw )
aradia - fully agender . seperate from everything . didnt really care until it godtiered and then was like ohhh i dont have to do anything anymore im free now ok ^_^ and was pretty chill with it forever
tavros - Fairy Girl and transfem . i imagine that Fairy Genders are like completely caste nonconforming I HAVE LORE I HAVE LORE LISTEN TO ME NOW BOY anyway . has known for like .. Awhile but shes in proximity to vriska and vriska is like your average reddit transfem and tavros is like ok maybe i should just repress this and pretend its not something i think and dream about extensively . and it works for awhile and then she lives as a girl on her own on earth c but it still takes forever for her to actually Come Out but it happens .. eventually ... ok im getting sad my girl has problems SHES ALSO BUTCH
sollux - gold bigender what the fuck else . very repressed transfem who fits all the gamer trasnfem stereotypes hes kind of real . again Very Repressed and like halfway an egg halfway Aware ( haha duality ) . starts being herself after prolongued proximity to godtier aradia she stole its fucking girl ness #thetransagenda . doesnt really like the association he has with her caste but accepts it as part of his identity nontheless
karkat - agender cis guy no assigned caste but identifies with his assigned gender on the technical level . he has a weird relationship with it but like its chill overall
nepeta - olive trans guy . nondysphoric and is fine being a girl but one day he was like hey somethings off and he ripped his tits clean off and started living as a he and went about his life as normal <- joke but probably not far off . i dont think he was unhappy as a girl hes just chill with whatever feels right in the moment i think and right now its Boy
kanaya - jade trans girl but in a gnc way because female jadebloods are meant to be very cold i think people forget that but kanaya genuinely cares about motherhood and wants to nurture the matriorb because she cares about the next generation of her race and like thats a significant part of her character guys you know that right . i think her both being badass AND having a desire for motherhood is good writing actually guys .g . anyway . has known since she was very young and would be relatively normal about it if it wasnt for her Proximity To Vriska ( see Reddit Transfem )
terezi - teal trans guy whos also nonbinary whos also a dyke . ill be honest i dont have anything super in depth for this one sorry terezi fans
vriska - cerulean trans girl . i think nows the time to clarify what i mean by reddit transfem umm . she will not shut the fuck up about how horrible and mannish she looks and acts forever and like its not her fault she feels like this but shes saying this in direct proximity of other transfems namely kanaya and tavros . i also think shes a transmed . umm has known from a young age but only becomes fully comfortable in her identity like .. a loooong time from canon
equius - indigo transfem . i dont have a lot of thoughts on this but i think shes very repressed for a long time but Nepeta Proximity helps her a little . doesnt really transition shes just A Girl Now
gamzee - Dyke . incredibly strange relationship with everything but like .. i think hes identifying as a trans guy at 13 if only because he thinks its the easiest to explain i dont think hed care . Until It Does . has a crisis about it for exactly a week before getting normal . hard to explain more for multiple reasons rips arm off
eridan - violet cis guy but like theres gender fuckery going on . thought he was transfem for awhile and went on e and was like this is awesome but i think im a guy still . does drag as a fuschia woman
feferi - fuschia multigender . another one that is hard to explain sigh but i think hes an egg at 13 but he doesnt have a whole thing about it hes like oh im more than just Girl cool ^_^
#homestuck#beta trolls#aradia megido#tavros nitram#sollux captor#karkat vantas#nepeta leijon#kanaya maryam#terezi pyrope#vriska serket#equius zahhak#gamzee makara#eridan ampora#feferi peixes#headcanons
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GAH fair enough i'll try cook up something else.... i will say sometimes i do send different people very similar things by complete accident because my memory is horrible and i forget what i've said to who😭😭
just from the top of my head right now though (just finished a nightmare hell world shift at work so i need to think about The Characters or i'll die):
cirrus helping aurora discover and explore Butchism❤️ BUTCH LESBIANS 5EVER
cumulus washes, dries, and brushes cirrus' hair for her when her arms are too sore/tired to reach up (in my mind cirrus has EDS just like meeee:3 )
controversial take but short cirrus and tall cumulus is so real to me.... BUT cirrus is still the big spoon. she jetpacks it
cumulus: why is it taking her so long to text me back....
cirrus: google how do i spell gorjus
cirrus has AWFUL penmanship (it's either EDS or autism, or both! I'm still figuring that out myself.) and cumulus cannot stand it. she loves that girl but absolutely despises her handwriting. in a similar vein, cirrus is god awful at wrapping presents and cumulus will confiscate them and wrap them herself ("ITS NOT THAT BAD ITLL GET TORN OFF ANYWAYS!" "it is that bad and i don't care")
i think cirrus is just bad with her hands in general for a number of reasons (world's worst handjob giver💔 sad but true. millions cried.) so cumulus often does fine motor tasks for her (writing things down, wrapping presents, sometimes cutting up her food for her when it's just the two of them. they are so tender.... ue ue ue)
cirrus can't swim. that's all
ironically, cumulus is somewhat afraid of heights and cirrus is TERRIFIED of flying bugs (especially moths) (which makes phantom very sad because he loves them. she tries VERY HARD not to squash them whenever he's around....)
THIS ASK IS TOO LONG SO THATS ALL FOR NOW HOPE YOU ENJOY BYEEEE🧡🧡🧡🧡😇😇😇😇
WAHHHH I love your takes on Cirrus! The fandom as a whole (me included) get really caught up on Cirrus being the responsible, smart, in control one who is elegent and is good at everything because someone has to be, and I just love seeing thoughts of her that don't subscribe to that. Especially bad penmenship, bad speller, terrble present wrapper Cirrus.
We all headcanon her as such a perfectionist but what if she isn't? What if she's actually sort of a trainwreck sometimes?
Also scared of heights cumulus? Butch Aurora and Cirrus? fuck yeah. FUCK YEAH.
I love finding little ways to make the ghouls more "human" and well-rounded. I love the idea of reserved, elegent, sure of herself Cirrus--but I also love the idea that maybe she is also sort of a mess too. Terrible at painting her nails neatly. Impatient. One of the worst cooks in the Abbey. But genuine, and funny, and kind, and absolutely willing to step up and take care of her pack when she needs to. UGH I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH.
#comet canons#Cirrus ghoulette#cirrus is one of the characters I struggle with characterizing the most honestly#she is an enigma to me#and everyone around her#and I love her for it
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8, 9, 10 & 28 for that sapphic ask meme!!
thank u for the ask lay :)
8.what's your relationship status? are you happy about it? single single single very single. i’m content right now with being single because i’m selfish and i’m going through a lot both emotionally and in my personal life and i’m not out to my parents which is a huge thing for me. i don’t want to have to sneak around if i’m with someone, as alluring as that may be in fiction. i also would rather be in a relationship once i’ve moved out of my parents house. but yeah just bc im content rn doesn’t mean i’m not lonely and full of wretched longing
9. do you have a "type"? if so, what is it? butch. outspoken. intelligent. unashamed. funny. protective. mean. mean to everyone except me, with a capital M. passionate about activism. into my politics. into me. a little bit evil perhaps, because i am also a little bit evil. secret soft spot! intellectually stimulating, someone who doesn’t always agree with me on everything but remains respectful. did i mention butch? the more masculine the better honestly, i think it’s a beautiful thing when accompanied with the female body. i love femmes and all women of all types honestly but my ideal woman is butch and bold, an adjacent attitude to my less-bold tendencies and something i so deeply admire, and something that very much stirs passion in me. i need someone to rile me up just as much as they calm me down. if that makes sense. basically i need this:
10. did you do anything gay as a kid that makes sense when you look back on your childhood? wanting to express femininity but not enjoying any of the ‘possible’ ways it was presented to me. what else…..i was much more invested in making friends with other girls, and i always thought my sporty tomboy friends were leagues better than their male counterparts lmao. i never wanted to be a tomboy but i always loved them and wanted to be their friend. i thought girls were smarter, easier to get along with, and more caring, so i only made friends with other girls. misandrist since birth i suppose. also you know that thing where u pass by victoria’s secret and look away without knowing why? yeah i did that lmfao. and if i felt like i was staring too long at women on magazines i would pretend like i was looking at the homegoods ones or whatever. a big one would be kissing my friend in the third row of the minivan on a night drive when my parents couldnt see us lmfao. oh and having extreme anxiety about even the prospect of kissing a boy but then my first real kiss ended up being with one of my girl best friends.
28. what's a canon sapphic ship you enjoy? griddlehark ;~; they make me want to chew drywall and i love how fucking weird they are
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So funny that you argue that pregnancy isn’t limited to just women and it’s not an inherently feminine thing so it’s not a sexist trope to utilize for an underdeveloped female character since it’s just a neutral thing and then argue that its good for shivs character because your tired of all the Butch Business Bitches or whatever the fuck you’ve made up in your head since she needs to desire to be feminine to be a good character
whhhhaaat the fuck. this is like... eight different strawmen fallacies at once. how did you do that genuinely how did you do that
okay. lemme run this down real quick the only way i know how: fuckin hs debate style. i'll go down the line by line:
pregnancy isn't limited to just women, it's not an inherently feminine thing, but it IS societally associated with women and femininity. like, it's a sad truth but it is a truth.
the existence of pregnancy in general in television is not a sexist trope! pregnancy exists in real life! when a woman you know gets pregnant, do you think that's sexist or something?
shiv isn't actually underdeveloped, man. the parts of her that are underdeveloped are the ones that she refuses to acknowledge, which are, coincidentally, the ones tied to 'femininity.' so yeah, i think that for a character who has been very very developed in her relationships with her family, her husband, her career, and everything else, i think that having her unpack her relationship with gender is a good thing and a way to develop her further.
it's good for shiv's character because it allows both her and us to explore the aspects of herself that she refuses to admit to as said above and in the post multiple times
i'm tired of "Butch Business Bitches or whatever the fuck [i've] made up in my head" ???????????? alright. okaay. ooookay. i'm not even gonna go here. i just answered another ask claiming there are No Career Women Who Get Abortions On Television which is apparently, seeing as you're saying that as well, an actual thing people somehow think! fucking believe me. i am ALL for butch business bitches. i just don't think that 'feminine' traits and values being considered weak and thus off-limits for any woman who hopes to be respected is a good thing, and i think women should be allowed to have nuances, and be butch business bitches who also want to fall in love -- if they want! and not if they don't! as long as it's about what they want, not what they feel like they need to do in order to survive in a male world
'she needs to desire to be feminine to be a good character.' uh huh yeah so that's not a thing i ever said or meant in my life, like ever? there are just a lot of women who base their personality and identity off a fundamental fear of femininity and being perceived as a woman -- i know, i was one for much of my life, that's why i like shiv and amy and other characters like them -- and maybe, just maybe, that's not actually a healthy or satisfactory way to live! doesn't mean they have to 'desire to be feminine,' just that they actually start to consider what they desire. again. see above. and also the actual post. which you will not do.
you dropped like all my args in the post btw. you'd lose both on VC and line-by-line even ignoring the unprofessional demeanor and lack of understanding of my original contentions. 0 speaker points. good night!
#so wiped i am speaking out loud as i type and what i am typing is fucking debate lingo. okay i mean it that's the last one for tonight#and also maybe ever. by which i mean like i'm not really sure why i'm providing actual responses to clearly bait asks but here we are#so sorry for clogging up the dash with this horseshit#guteeen fuckin nacht#succession#succession spoilers#long post#asks#anon#when i find myself in times of trouble my high school debate team captain memories come to me#speaking words of wisdom: don't let it be#LOL#casey shut the fuck up about shiv roy
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Awesome!! I'm glad you like my sev!! Would you write Sevika x a butch reader? Like a romantic butch that tries to cook her dinners, and take her out, and is protective of her, someone who presents more masc, and does more stereotypical masc things? (Feel free to ignore 💕💕)
This is so very late :') I hope I got everything right! Thanks to @master-sass-blast for the help/putting up with me
There will also be a muscular reader x Sev coming out at some point today
Warnings: kinda suggestive at some points but no smut
Trying to court or woo Sevika is a hassle and often leads to you two butting heads because you both try the same methods. Both of you practically fight for who opens the door first, who pulls out the chairs at the dinner table, etc. She uses her size/strength against you in most cases, like forcefully keeping the door shut. A good chunk of your first date was spent just outside the restaurant in a standoff of who would go in first
Both of you stood staring at each other with your hands connected on the door handle.
“I got it.” You both said at the same time.
A short, awkward chuckle from your date. Your eyes narrowed on the tightening of her grip and her eyes hardened in turn.
“Really, beautiful. I got it.” You say and take great pleasure in the reddening of her cheeks that she’d blame on the chill in the air. In your short time of knowing her, her stubbornness was a very prominent attribute of her personality.
“Let go of the handle.” All forced pleasantries are gone.
“No.”
You two bicker until someone else eventually needs to use the door. Also at some point of the date, you tell her she gives bottom energy and she nearly spits out her drink
It’d become a running joke after that. Leads to you or her literally shoving the other out of the way to be gentlemanly. You have kicked the back of her knee before just to beat her to the door and she has shoved you so hard you rolled a few times. Both of you always show up to fancy restaurants with torn, dirt stained attire
Further on into your relationship she’d humor you and let you spoil her a little. It’s different when she’s trying to keep appearances in public, but she’d let you hold her chair for her at home and attempt to push it in. She’s an ass about it and digs her heels into the floor to make you struggle some more
At least once a month do you wake her up with kisses just to present flowers to her. You always gift them to her on dates (after a long trial and error of discovering what she wasn’t allergic to, in which she kept teasing and accusing you of being an assassin trying to fucking kill her) but sometimes you surprise her just to see her smile and shake her head at you
Okay but the charm exuding from the both of you when you first met. It would be so thick and make all the people around you blush at your verbal foreplay in the bar
Who doesn’t want to pamper Sevika? Getting up a little early to make her breakfast in bed is a challenge because even while she’s asleep, she’s aware of where you are. A few minutes after you disappear from her arms she’s up and ruining the surprise. A groggy, grumpy Sev will find you in the kitchen and snap “why are you up so early?”
You stifle a smile and a groan of frustration at the sluggish, heavy footsteps approaching the doorway.
“Baby, go back to sleep.”
“Why are you up so fucking early?” Two arms wrap around your middle, a heavy weight now pressing against the top of your head.
“It’s not that early.” You lie, reducing your movements to a slow pace so you don’t jostle her.
She gives no response, and after a few minutes of flipping the eggs in silence you feel a gentle breath blowing on your head. Immediately you freeze, your heart squeezing as you feel light snores from above you. She did not…
Indeed, her weight had gotten heavier against your back and the top of your head where her cheek was pressed. Your girl must have been exhausted.
“Sweetie, c’mon let’s get you to bed.” Soft tugging on her arms around your middle had her coming back to the realm of consciousness, just barely since you got away with using a pet name she hated. Sevika tugs you back to bed with her, where you stay and let her hold you so she gets some rest.
Breakfast is put off until noon.
When she’s working on her arm, or playing cards, you make sure she doesn’t forget to eat and bring her leftovers of a meal you cooked for her the day before. You’ll come up beside her and place her plate on the table, kiss her cheek and say “For you, my king.” She’ll smirk at the other guys like ‘yeah, that’s mine.’ and eat every bite, moaning appreciatively because she’s obnoxious like that
Sometimes you go and snatch her cig out of her mouth to take a few hits. It used to annoy her but she’s used to it, knowing when to open her mouth for you to put it back. She’ll also go for another swig of her drink only to find you polished off most of it. You refuse to get your own glass and always use hers (you say it's romantic. she says you're a pain in the ass)
Stealing her clothes. If you two have the same style, she’s always finding the vest she wanted to wear missing. Will literally come up to you and pull it off of you while telling you to stop stealing her shit. Probably starts taking yours as payback and then suddenly you two share a wardrobe
(Thank you MSB for the idea) If you’re into buzzcuts or just want to try out a new style, Sevika can do it for you. She’d actually suggest it because why waste money when she has a razor and scissors right here? If you agree, watch her like a hawk because she’ll take creative liberties. You’re criticizing her after every cut while she tells you to shut up. She’s a little rough, tugging your head this way and that, arguing with you when you point out a flaw, threatening you while pointing the scissors at you subconsciously until you have to push them away
Everyone’s too scared to mess with Sevika, but she knows it’s you they really have to worry about. You’ll take advantage of how they always keep a wary eye on her and use their ignorance to your advantage. She’s honestly the bait and enjoys watching you beat the shit out of someone that she verbally antagonized to the point where you considered them a threat
Sevika would insult people often just to see you get protective and defend her even when she’s clearly in the wrong. She never thought she’d have someone treat her like she’s glass and yet here you are, shoving her behind you when a fight breaks out. It amuses her and makes her want to go down on you at the same time
If you started taking hits though, she’d immediately put a stop to it and probably maim the poor victim of your weird foreplay
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leporello headcanons posting, again
he’s my funny little guy i’m rescuing him from a wet cardboard box in the rain and taking him in and affixing a little ribbon around his neck
“are these for the canon setting or for a modern au” If it fits a setting it applies
very sorry for this. btw
he’s actually an extrovert and likes being around other people, he’s just… socially inept enough (and also. anxious enough) that he doesn’t really seem the part.
- he does love attention more than he admits. but he doesn’t really often get Positive attention which is the issue.
- because he doesn’t actually really get positive attention he tends to speak quickly and trips over his words in an effort to get out his Point before someone else- usually the don- shuts him up.
he loves sorting things! you knew this already because it’s canon but god he loves to sort things. and Number them
- he collected all sorts of weird things when he was a kid, and he loved labeling them and tracking them in his notebooks
- everyone thought he was going to grow up to be an accountant, especially seeing as he is good at math, but then he decided to go into historical archiving and studying museum collections instead much to everyone’s chagrin
he does have an anxiety disorder but tbh it’s very hard to figure out where “symptoms of anxiety disorder” ends and “signs of abuse from the don” begins
- although he does have a bit of a Realization of just how badly the don fucked him up when a few months after the don’s death he’s like Haha! Anxiety meds have started working again for me finally!… Wait a Minute
- he also does tend to flinch a lot from physical contact when he’s living/working for the don and for some time afterward… which is quite sad considering i like to think he’s very much a physical affection enjoyer
after the don’s death he’s very afraid of fire. like to a sort of obsessive degree
- for a while he doesn’t even allow like. lanterns or stoves to be on for more than absolutely life-or-death necessary
- eventually he gets sort of “used” to it but it still scares him and he has trouble looking at fire directly. but he figures out how to manage w/ that
also. his relationship with the other characters after the don’s death
- he and elvira are best friends natch. which is really funny bc otherwise they seem so different from one another and they have completely different friend groups outside of maybe one or two people. they’ve been mistaken for a couple while out in public together which they also find hilarious bc they both dress very obviously gay, elvira is into the whole punk butch style and leporello is a “wears floral pattern shirts he finds at charity thrift stores” homosexual
- he doesn’t really keep contact w/ anna and ottavio and he figures there’s a good reason bc he can’t really think of a -reason- they would want to keep in contact with him. but at some point a year or two after everything Happens some other friend tells him “oh did you hesr anna ended up breaking up with ottavio the other week and came out as a lesbian like immediately after” and then, not too long later, spots some of anna’s things left over at elvira’s apartment and thinks… Hmmm. Well That’s Something
- (when anna and elvira start dating he and anna do get along fine but he is always very awkward around her and neither of them really are even able to socially understand each other given they are very opposite. they’re cordial but they aren’t like… Friends outside of whenever elvira brings them both somewhere)
- leporello more or less leaves zerlina and masetto out of things on the basis of them being like. teenagers while he is a grown ass man dealing with his grown ass man issues. but i can imagine that perhaps if they hadn’t met in the circumstances they did they would have gotten along with him. i imagine both masetto and leporello are autistic and lep would have loved being able to mentor a younger person in The Ways of Autism but given the amount of Things leporello is Going TF Through i don’t think he would have been particularly good at it.
- he’s still scared of statues. perhaps even more than he is scared of fire. but every year or so he does go out and visit the commendatore’s grave. strangely it appears the statue only existed for that night it took the don to hell, as there’s no record of a statue being there before and there isn’t one there after, so it’s just. a regular if rather large grave. he talks to it- for a couple years after the don’s death it was “oh my god i’m a terrible person for (thing that leporello was being forced to do under the threat of death or worse) why didn’t you take me with the don” but eventually it becomes “god i’m so sorry about everything” and eventually after that it just becomes like. talking.
he talks to a lot of things really that aren’t living people. animals. inanimate objects. the dead. (although he doesn’t expect them to reply)
as said before multiple times i like to think he eventually becomes a couple with fiorello, the chronically-ignored servant from the barber of seville. he meets fiorello… a couple years after the don’s death i want to say, right when he’s really starting to heal and is emotionally stable enough to have a relationship that isn’t a Bad Idea
- fiorello is just… he’s genuine, above everything else. which is what leporello likes most about him, he never has to decipher what it is fiorello wants or feels because fiorello is always very open about it. he isn’t a man without faults but he’s loving and eager about many things, and he’s always very patient with leporello. in many ways fiorello is exactly what the don was not
- elvira initially really doesn’t trust fiorello out of hyper-cautiousness given leporello’s past. but then when lep introduces fiorello to her she’s like… oh this is just a sentient stuffed animal that knows how to gossip. you’re fine LOL
at some point, a few years down the line, leporello is about to fall asleep when he realizes. he has so many things that, when he was under the don’s abuse, he thought were impossible. he’s cared about. he has friends and a loving partner who are there for him. he has plenty of food and water, a job he loves (he’s a museum archivist), a quiet home and a stable routine to follow. and he’s safe. he can’t ever really even remember being this happy with life before, even if it’s considered unexciting and plain. idk. it’s sappy but… but it’s nice to think about.
finally. he would absolutely love watching jeopardy but by god he would be so terrible with the timing. could not win at jeopardy ON HIS LIIIIFE
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it’s bonkers to me that people will say oh but you don’t have to look/be like that!!! to butch lesbians/lesbians who present masculine. they will look u in the face and essentially say you can be a lesbian without being an ugly yucky self loathing stereotype!!!! and it absolutely just boggles my mind because like. i’ve fucked around with my gender presentation a ton. i’ve had my head shaved at a two and my hair past my shoulders; it’s also been every color imaginable. i’ve let my body hair grow out and also shaved everywhere, even my arms, from ages 13-23 because i was bullied for having dark arm hair in middle school. i’ve worn “boy clothes” and “girl clothes” and weird lesbian mixes of both. i used to have to be wearing makeup to ever leave the house and i’d work myself up into a literal panic at the idea of people seeing me without it. i used to have a very persistent and active eating disorder furthered by extreme dysmorphia and a lack of self worth because i thought my body had to look a certain way, be a certain way, to be good enough.
but butchness brought me fucking freedom from so much of that. learning about butch identity and reading posts from other butches taught me that i can exist just like this, without doing an exhausting myriad of uncomfortable things that felt more restrictive than affirming. seeing femmes and butches and people in between online express desire towards butches made me realize it’s not just some anomaly my partner is into me; butches just are hot and desirable. i can look and dress the way i want, and embody both feminine and masculine traits without having to worry about adhering correctly to a performance i don’t think i ever got the right script for. i can be butch and be seen for what and who i am and there’s just nothing ugly about any of that to me.
it’s like. yeah, i don’t have to be butch, but i’ve tried everything else and this is the first time in 25 years i actually feel some semblance of comfortable with my body and myself in general. i don’t have to be butch, but it lets me set aside familiar self loathing and exchange it instead for the same love and appreciation i can extend to other masculine lesbians. i guess don’t have to be butch, i just don’t see why i’d wanna be anything else.
#im just. having a lot of feelings.#masculine lesbians i am kissing all of u and same goes for all femmes who love them. u are all so important to me#like we really all create a home for each other and it’s a beautiful thing when community can function as intended like that#i was so scared of my masculinity for sooooo long and then i worried oh maybe this means im a trans man but i feel no relation to Maleness#i’m just a butch dyke and it’s the best!!! it’s amazing it’s liberating it just. yeah wowza enough rambling!#butch tag#butch dyke#tw ed recovery#posts
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Okay, so as I’ve talked about here before:
The first time she had sex with another woman, however, was a little more eye awakening on both counts - one, that she was just as equally sexually aroused by a woman as she is by men, and two, that women are not as selfish in bed. But, as I’ve said, it’s rare for her to find women who are also into women in the same way in her line of work who aren’t already married to the men in the business or who are into women, but aren’t into her.
Nikita’s first sexual experience with another woman was a couple years after she moved to New York City. Remember, she’d spent the better part of her young adulthood imprisoned in a labor camp in Russia, so aside from getting herself established in the gun dealing business, she really did not have the means nor desire to involve herself with dating or hooking up right away (especially since her English wasn’t very good and she absolutely did not trust any Americans off the bat not to report her to the authorities).
After a while, establishing herself with a day job as a waitress, night job as a gun runner, she found a few hook ups here and there with men who were, for the most part okay as far as men go, but it was in this quiet dive bar that she found herself in one night, looking for a more low-key establishment than her usual haunts.
In this case, it was a lesbian dive bar.
Of course, it wasn’t that she didn’t know it was a lesbian bar - especially since walking in, pretty little thing she is, she had eyes on her from the moment she sat down alone at the bar and ordered two shots of vodka - really, she sought a place away from men who would harass her at other places, alongside with being a quieter venue.
Into the night, however, one rather striking butch caught her attention, making eyes across the bar for about half an hour before said woman made her approach. Handsome, slicked back hair, short and stout, wearing a leather jacket with a carabiner of keys clipped to her jeans; this woman was as old school butch as you can get.
She went simply by the name of Jo.
It took a bit of conversation and a few more shots before Nikita felt comfortable. There was something safe about this woman’s approach, unlike the men who usually tried to get her out of the bar and back to their place to fuck immediately. At some point, Nikita confessed she’d never really been with another woman sexually, just a childhood crush on her best friend, and the woman’s response immediately was, “that’s okay, sweetheart. Let me show you”, and that was, really, all that it took.
Like with any first time experiences, it was a bit awkward, nervous hands paired with a drunken demeanor, but this butch knew what she was doing, and in all honesty, Nikita felt like her world view was changed that night. She laid against Jo’s broad but soft chest, and everything else fell away until early morning when she left without saying too much.
But, she went back to that bar a couple more times on Thursday nights, each time finding Jo there at the billiards table or joking around with her other butch friends. Each time, going back to Jo’s tiny apartment to spend the night. It was only ever a casual thing, but it changed Nikita for the better.
#NIKITA ANTONOVNA: HEADCANON#[ yes i pictured a young Lea DeLaria but shhh ]#[ also this is SO self indulgent and i DONT CARE ]#[ nikita is peak fem bisexual x butch lesbian ship potential ]
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