#they are bouncing up and down if you genuinely cant tell lol
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i drew the crown itself as a jester hat soooo.... (he would never . his ego wouldnt allow it. but lets pretend it would)
#Jester lamb's greatest ability is annoying their enemies to death#i no joke spent like 2 weeks sitting on the mini-comic thing bc i could NOT make the smears work. i have decided to give up#they are bouncing up and down if you genuinely cant tell lol#jester and god might as well be complete antitheses to each other the way i cant reconcile both concepts#designing narinder's clothes was a nightmare#turns out the difference between jester with flowy clothes and wizard/bishop is but a fine line#cult of the lamb#Narinder#The Lamb#lemonart#sketch
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Did you get diagnosed with adhd as an adult? I ask because I'm an adult woman of color that can get up and go to work and can kind of interact with people around me, so I feel like I'll never get it
I got diagnosed when I was 29 but looking back I should have been diagnosed when I was in middle school lol. When I sought out a doctor I was technically functioning at my job and home but I was doing piss poor work and was stressed out beyond my limit 100% of the time.
I have a really hard time talking to doctors because I get anxious and forget what I want to highlight a lot so it may be helpful for you as well to list out your struggles and how they are negatively impacting your life. then you have a point by point list your doctor can use to help with diagnosis
for examples, a bunch of stuff I listed:
Work:
I forget to follow up on problem orders constantly, creating larger problems for myself later
I have to keep ridiculous amounts of notes to keep myself on track, but then the amount of notes becomes overwhelming and they become impossible to use
I question my memory at all times which keeps me in a high level of stress and anxiety
After dealing with some extra temporary responsibilities I hit a wall and have not been able to bounce back and do my normal duties very well anymore. Even my boss has noticed that I have had a hard time keeping up and talked to me about it. Nothing has permanently changed with my work, the problem is something with me.
home/personal life
I volunteer to help people with plans often but very quickly forget my responsibilities and only remember when reminded at the the last minute, putting myself in the position where I have to work until 2 or 3am to prepare for what we're doing
often I feel very creative and have the intention to work on home improvement or personal projects but either cant force myself to initiate a plan or after starting a plan I can't focus enough to get remotely close to completing it
along with the above, when actually starting a project it's generally on impulse and as soon as the impulse dies down I cant force myself to continue no matter how hard I try
I create constant messes and always feel disorganized no matter how hard I try to maintain an acceptable living space
I buy things on impulse for personal projects but then can't bring myself to work on the projects, meaning I often waste money on impulse buys that never go anywhere
I have a difficult time remembering to pay bills
General
forgetfulness causes me to accidentally procrastinate almost constantly, always putting me in a position where I have to rush while fueled by anxiety to get anything accomplished.
I basically rely on anxiety to push me to complete anything. if I'm not afraid of failure or causing problems it's almost like tasks don't exist
there isn't a day where one or more of the above things causes me problems.
kind of overboard but you get the idea. take some time over a week or two and note every time your ADHD symptoms affect your quality of life, and also add to your notes that all these things are negatively impacting you on a daily basis (if its true, which I don't doubt it is). If you share any of these problems with me feel free to tell your doctor you know someone diagnosed with ADHD who had the same problems to emphasize that you don't just have generalized anxiety.
My doctor made a copy of my notes to keep on file which I greatly appreciated. I've had a LOT of problems with doctors in the past not taking me seriously for physical problems I had so I'm like extra aware and suspicious of how doctors behave now.
I was genuinely surprised at how serious my doctor took all my issues. She didn't dismiss anything and agreed this sounded like ADHD. I'm white and can't talk to the issue of being POC and trying to get taken seriously by medical professionals but my generic advice is: don't be afraid to fire a doctor who doesn't seem to listen to you or is dismissive of your struggles. You don't even need to tell them they're fired, you can just cancel your next appt right after you make it and then ghost them. I went through 5 doctors (and hundreds of dollars....) getting a physical problem diagnosed once. I seriously wish I'd jumped ship on two of these guys sooner and stopped wasting my time and money on morons who had no investment in my health.
Also if possible, talk to local people you know or check out support groups (there are a lot of various ones on FB. also there may be forums out there for this kind of thing) for POC who struggle with finding doctors who actually listen to them. There may be recs you can use.
One more little bit of advice, if you're more comfortable with video chat than going to see a doctor in person you can do telehealth visits to speak with psychs about mental health issues and even get a diagnosis. It's what I did at first because it was easier to fit into my schedule. The only caveat is they can't prescribe you any medications for controlled substances (like adderall) without seeing you in person at least once. So if they do diagnose you with ADHD you'll have to go see them in person one time to get a prescription.
I always rant when I get asks for advice aaaa but I hope this helps at least somewhat!! If you have any other questions or want to talk feel free to send another ask or DM me!!
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hi! i just found your account!! not sure if you write about wilbur, if not just ignore this lol! could you write some fluff for wilbur?? btw i absolutely love your writing it’s so well writen!!
i haven't written much Wilbur but i can defiantly try! (also im very new to writing so im super hesitant about writing with other mcyts but im super down to attempt) soooooooo,
Wilbur soot fluff!
wilbur x reader
Wilbur wanted to take you on a normal date for once, but how can it ever be normal with you two?
^^^^^
“C'mon y/n its not that hard, you're acting like you're absolutely helpless here.” Wilbur looked at you fondly, you were trying to get his yoyo to work and do the up down thing it does for him, but it was impossible!
You shot him a glare, “Okay mister yoyo extraordinaire.” You were getting seriously frustrated at this point, contemplating throwing the yoyo at him. You stopped throwing the yoyo around to look up at him. He was smiling expectantly waiting for you to say something crude or mean, or cuss out the yoyo even.
your glare was intense, “Is that for me or the yoyo?” He joked, your angered look amusing him greatly. “If you glare any harder your eyes will close, love”
“Sh! You're being a butthead” You knew he was trying to distract you and you were letting him, he was obviously nervous under all his smiles and giggles.
Will had this big date plan, he wanted to give you a nice sit down dinner date with a walk on the pier. As of right now though, you were standing outside a full restaurant with zero open tables and zero reservations available. Will handed you his yoyo as he tried to think of places to take you and not have the night be over already. He had a reason for the night after all!
He grabbed tried to grab the yoyo from your hand, laughing as you tried to hold it away. Will was reaching his arms around you trying to grab his yoyo when you suddenly fumbled, his yoyo falling from your hand to the ground.
Quickly you both stood up fully, staring at the now broken yoyo on the ground. You turned quickly, “Will im so sorry! I didn't mean for it to fall or anything! I’ll get you a new one I know you had that one for a long time but im sure i can-”
“y/n, stop.” He chuckled lightly, “Its okay, ill just get a new one, no big deal, you're alright.” His smile made you feel much better about what you did accidentally.
Will softly grabbed your hand tugging you away, he knew there was a small café around the corner he just wasn't sure if it was open.
As you rounded the corner his shoulders relaxed, he was genuinely relived to see the lights of the café on and a few people bustling around inside. He guided you ahead of him with a hand on the small of your back as yo walked inside. He grabbed your hand again to lead you to a empty table he spotted in the corner by a window.
He sat across from you, still holding onto your hand, staring at your fingers as he moved them around his.
“Distracted?” You were amused at how he suddenly seemed nervous. You were well aware that he was very determined to make tonight a memorable date, you just weren't sure why.
“y/n I really like you. A lot really.” He looked up at you, an intense look in his eye catching you off guard.
“I like you too will, you know that.” You smiled, hoping it would pull one out of him as well. His stonic, nervous expression was making you nervous. You could even feel his leg bouncing under the table.
“No y/n I mean.. I just.. I lo-”
“Hello! Sorry for the wait, what can I get you?” Just as will was about to finish his sentence the barista/waiter made his way over to the table. His eyes were trained on yours as he pointed the question. Will closed his eyes in frustration, he couldn't win tonight could he?
“A green tea would be nice, thank you” You gave a small smile to the man, waiting for him to look to will, “Oh I love green tea! the green tea here is really nice, I get it often” The waiter moved a tad closer to you as he spoke.
You've got to be kidding me. Will thought. Is he serious? I'm holding her goddamn hand! He cant be serious. God I cant wait to tell Phill about this.
“I’ll get a coffee please, just black coffee” He murmured, trying to get the man to stop looking at his girl.
The waiter nodded, writing them both down, but then looking back to you, “Your eyes are quite gorgeous you know, love?”
“Aren't they? love how they look after a nice snog an all, you know?” Will was glaring holes in the back of this dudes heads at this point. The waiter, very obviously uncomfortable, made his way off with a mumble about having their orders out in a mo.
You stared at him, trying to read his expression as he stared in the direction the waiter went. You tugged his hand a tad in attempt to get his attention.
“He smells bad.” You stated quietly as he looked at you finally, he burst into a breathy laugh at your statement. He really did love you. He wanted to tell you, it just seemed like everything about tonight was telling him not to.
He’d find the moment. With no other people around, he thought.
********
:D i hope this was as good as you hoped, it was a tona fun to write!
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showtime
episode 211 let's go
ok first of all, this is the second to last episode guys... I don't even wanna think about how much pain I'll be in after next week's episode
mr mazzara doing the recap-
this is so weird to me and I don't know why
WHY DIDN'T YALL JUST ASK BENJAMIN FOR HELP, THATS LITERALLY HIS THING
is Nini giving out the cards a callback to season 1 when Natalie Bagley said that Nini gave her a card or something on opening night of another musical?
STEPHY AS THE ENCHANTRESS OMG YES
Ricky in the crown gives me Harry styles in that photoshoot vibes
he's so pretty.
ok but why did we never see Ricky and Ashlyn interact before? it's been like 5 seconds and I already love how they bounce off each other and it's just so natural
OH THEY REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY UNDERSTUDIES-
well that explains a lot...
so Ricky fell on top of Ashlyn and all that broke for both of them was their wrist-
insert Jake Peralta *coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool no doubt no doubt no doubt*
of course howie was amazing as the beast, were we expecting anything less??
Ricky is so beautiful and I will not shut up about it....
let me enjoy this before the makeup crew slaps mud on his face.
Nini and Ricky talking to eachother? in a civil manner? wasn't she avoiding him just in the last episode? hm ok
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THEY CANT EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS JUST LIKE ME HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS, WHATS NEXT? THEY CUT EVERYONE OFF CUZ THEY CANT HANDLE EMOTIONS? ...ha
yes Kaden and Rico, my favourite east high boys 🥰
I mean....where's EJ?
THERE HE IS
EJ AND GINA IN THE BACKGROUND... doing something idek
KOURTNEY'S MOM IS BACK YAY
Howie is a shining star, ofc ofc
the smallest fOrk
can't wait to see the fork burst into song about how she deserves more than to be used to eat salad😌
the duster and the bluster.... ok😃
hi Gina!
hi- oh wow I didn't know Robbie Rotten was in this show!!!!!
the portwell look.
that my friends, is a married couple's look✋
GOSH EJ WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU
aww Gina's so excited for this
D word?
Die?
Delicious?
Dom Toretto?
"good, clean fun all alone with someone I dig...a lot"
sir that does not sound very clean to me
SEBLOS
Seb looks so cute standing there next to pope Carlos
DID THEYEY REALLY LIGHT ANTOINE ON FIRE-
I NEED TO SEE THAT
Seb's reading Carlos better than big red read the script in episode 102, this is great development after the "fight"
Kourtney really just made the best outfit for herself and let the rest of them suffer
the way Gina immediately goes to hold on to EJ after the announcement
"tonight we're going to put the U in UTAH"
...
"hey where are you from?"
"TAH"
SEB'S SINGULAR CLAP KILLED ME-
he's officially salt lake city's resident thanos
just wity clapping because for some reason I have a feeling he doesn't know how to snap his fingers...don't ask why
Ms Jenn do you mind encouraging your leads before the show? idk just an idea
pepto bismol product placement smhsmh
those flowers are bigger that big red himself-
*bops along to the opening theme*
that whistle at the end slaps everytime
WHY IS THE AUDIENCE SO MASSIVE
I guess they're all here to see Ms Jenn go on as a fork after Nini decides to *go her own way*
wow i am so funny
so they couldn't do many group scenes cuz of covid, but this 300 person crowd is cool? nice
OO THE VIOLIN GIRL FROM EPISODE 6 IS IN THE ORCHESTRA
HOWIEEEEEE
"Mr Caswell", he said, in the loudest voice possible while backstage at a show that's about to start.
Mazzara what are you trying to pull-
I usually like Benjamin but I don't like his tone
"iS yOuR wHoLe FaMiLy HeRe?" LIKE YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW THATS A SOFT SPOT FOR EJ
"we've had some good conversations these past few weeks"
right so what's going to happen after you graduate?
what does he think of you not going to Duke?
what did he say about you giving the sweatshirt that's been in the family for 3 generations to a girl you're not even dating?
good old Mr. M
therapist Mr. Mazzara, they all need it.
start with Ricky though.
"Michael Bowen"
dude why did you shave, now you look less like "hot lumberjack" and more "creep at the gas station"
OH-
does she not like Mike anymore?
why does it sound like jennzzara started dating and now they just sit back and talk smack about everyone in their freetime
break the fourth wall-
uhhhh im scared
why am I scared
he's scary
hehe flowers for Ricky, obviously for Ricky, ObViOuSLY
oh boy poor Michael
this man is in love, rip
why does Ms Jenn always look at people with her eyes open so wide
LILYYYY
I'm only excited because I really like the idea of lily and Ricky being friends, nothing more.
ha this guy's got jokes
a MOAT AROUND THE SCHOOL
wheeze
also he's very pretty.
"the wolves and very talented humans"
how dare he forget to mention the very talented wolves and normal humans, smh erasure
"being nice, what a concept" ted talk by Lily who still doesn't have a last name
did she just say lol out loud
same with the hug emoji last episode-
go touch some grass babes
the way he didn't say no, but said he didn't know how the east high kids would react-
not saying he does want to date her but that's an interesting thing to think about, also another thing to write an essay analysis on just to leave it in my drafts for a few months
awww lily genuinely trying to help him
sorry guys, I've been taken by the Lily charm (didn't know it existed until now but oh well)
REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I'LL NEVER SHIP PORTWELL?
just look at me now
the Lily wink I can't she's so cute-
HELP ME I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY LIL-
David Attenborough?
oh nvm it's Benjamin narrating the show in a really weird British accent for some reason.
STEPHY GOT MORE LINES YAY GOOD FOR HER
also is this to show that Nini doesn't care about being the star of the show anymore? the way she's supporting everyone else even though she's a fork?
I would pay for a special of the full musical ngl
OOO THE TRANSFORMATION WAS SMOOTH
shockingly
yo where did the makeup come from
man I wish I was a theatre kid
THIS IS STEPHY'S EPISODE NOW IDC✋
my girl is starring
"needs an X-factor"
Simon Cowbell creeps in
"it's a yes from me"
and them boom, he takes Nini and mistreats her horribly and then she comes back to theatre after deciding music isn't for her����
"I thought she just hog-tied him?"
don't ask sebby, it's better if you don't know.
imagine they spotlight the wrong person and this dude is just some random person that likes writing down stuff during shows.
Ms Jenn just let them do what they rehearsed (at some point we never saw) or else this is gonna end horribly wrong
"help"
same Carlos, same
I love how seb is just his translator rn
I thought he said "great displeasure" instead of "greatest pleasure"....help?
big red coming out from throwing up to see his girlfriend star is the cutest thing in this show.
Ash and Gina dancing is so fun
I'm imagining them practicing at night at their home, watching the movie for the 100th time and making sure their one dance together is perfect
KOURTNEY YES
HOWIE IS IN LOVE AHHHH
I LOVE HOWIE SO MUCH
SEBBY
THIS SCENE HAS SO MUCH GOING ON I CAN'T KEEP UP
THIS IS SO GOOD
HOW???
no because I'm actually crying
I'm dead serious.
we need this musical released as a special
big red is so proud and I love to see it
Natalie: "if you do not by at least 20 dollars in concessions, you do not support art"
rando in the audience: "but I pay for ad free Spotify"
Mr Mazzara clapping in the distance
Gigi, the guy you like is talking to you, complimenting you and hyping you up
YOU LUCKY LITTLE FEATHER DUSTER
aw EJ teasing her about the chocolates in a way that doesn't make her feel bad? take notes Richard
JORDAN FISHER
there is no rest of the show idc Jordan is it for me
THE WIG CAP ON RICKY OMG
they look like they're high and having "deep" conversations on the floor
THE MEAN GIRL WITH THE EYES-
@sunshine-julie-molina YOU HEAR THAT
Natalie really just be coming for them all
Howie what is happening rn
I'm scared
"did you enjoy it"
"very much"
dude wants a kiss so bad
ASHLYN OMG
NO DON'T DO IT BECAUSE OF LILY, PUT YOUR OWN TWIST ON IT
I want a Jordan autograph please
just keep swim- oh pushing...
Gina is literally a giant next to him and I live for it
am I about to cry for the 3rd time in this episode?
yes.
Ricky's leg kicks under the table makes me so happy aw
the portwell glances will kill me.
ah yes, mashed potato snow
Mr. M.... I'm not a theatre kid but even I know you can't have your phone on backstage.
Howie please just do it
CHIP'S BIG LINE I CANT
I LITERALLY HAD TO PAUSE IT AMD SCREAM INTO MY MASK FOR A SOLID 2 MINUTES (I'm not at home rn) HES SO CUTE
oh ok bye Jordan
oo tea
NOT HIM BEING STARSTRUCK BECAUSE HE'S MEETING HIS FUTURE BROTHER IN LAW-
"we're all just glad Gigi has a big brother figure in her life"
excuse me for a few thousand hours while I laugh hysterically
THE CAMERA ZOOM ON EJS FACE AND EVERYTHING-
STOP EJ LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA CRY BUT I CAN'T TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY WITH THE STAGE MAKE-UP
someone else said this already but I think it's hilarious that they had to bring in 2 guest characters to create some portwell angst
omg this really is Cici's episode, found family is their thing
elevator music lol
I'm gonna bet that big red took the harness for his surprise for Ashlyn without realising what it was
did Ms. Jenn just....tell her most mentally unstable student....to commit suicide....on a disney show...was that....I'm very....well....what the actual-
oh and there she goes running off instead of trying to make it right
oh wow Nini's the hero, she's gonna save the show 🤩
😐
the judge is doing a sudoku
honestly if I went to the hsm show as well, I'd come prepared for this one too
Lily why are you looking like that-
I WAS JUST STARTING TO LIKE YOU DON'T MESS THIS UP
wow ok, there goes that.
omg
what if Howie was acting weird because he knew what Lily did and wanted to tell Kourtbut Lily threatened him so he was scared to-
anyways see y'all clowns next week when we all simultaneously lose all motivation for the week without Fridays to look forward to.
#hsmtmts#hsmtmts s2#hsmtmts season 2#hsmtmts spoilers#ej caswell#gina porter#ricky bowen#nini salazar roberts#seb mathew smith#carlos rodriguez#big red#ashlyn caswell#kourtney greene#howie my pizza king#lily hsmtmts
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Is there ever a point where Eggman is wearing his binder or compression bra freely around his home or would he only wear it under his clothes so people cant see? I can imagine him taking a bath and completely forgetting about it after a long day of working in his lab. Proceeding to go about his daily life not even acknowledging that it's even there because of how weightless it is. Would you think he would be comfortable around Orbot and Cubot or would he be worried they would make comments making him all flustered?
I don't know anything about binders so I only imagine him wearing compression bras. They don't completely flatten but they hold his tits back enough so when he wears some of his most form fitting outfits, it at least appears flat. Because his moobs are very squishy and can be held back comfortably, he often doesn't consciously acknowledge the pressure against them, unless his clothes start getting even tighter than intended and need sizing up again.
I often imagine that after a long day of wearing any of his outfits and compression bras that restrict and compress, he likes to strip himself of everything and wear as little as possible, or nothing at all so he can let his tits, belly, dick and balls free at last. XD He loves the feeling of letting it all loose, which is a part of why he enjoys lounging around his living quarters naked. Also gives him quick and easy access when he wants to play with himself heheh
But he can also forget that he's wearing a bra and leaves it on, even if he takes everything else off. For example, there was a concept I shared on my main of him managing to forget that he was wearing one during Olympic events where compression was best. When he took off his shirt that was dampened with sweat in public, it took him a moment to realize that he'd just revealed his bra to everyone around. He was embarrassed and quickly tried to cover himself up and put the shirt back on.
He can forget he's wearing them around his living quarters as well. There's been quite a few times where robots have seen him casually going about his business in a bra. But they know it's not intentional as he usually tries to keep it covered up and takes them off when he gets back to the quarters. The only time he chooses to wear them indoors is in the privacy of his bedroom when playing experimental dress up for pleasure. Which is supposed to be private but he's been caught by Orbot and Cubot a few times lol
Sometimes they might point it out with certain comments and jokes that make him blushy and pouty as he tells them to shut up. He insists the only reason he wears them is for their usefulness but they know he genuinely enjoys wearing them too and tease him for it. Because of the way he can get defensive and snappy when they do, there are also times they don't point it out and think it's funny to wait to see how long it takes him to realize on his own. They know he'll be just as embarrassed that way!
And yes, sometimes he doesn't notice for quite a while. Sometimes he'll sit around wearing it while on his computer or watching TV for hours before he does. But the more he moves, the more likely it is for him to suddenly notice that his tits aren't jiggling and bouncing as he walks as much as they should. When he looks down to see his bra, he wonders how he didn't realize sooner! But when he's being especially lazy in his living quarters, he doesn't even notice until he steps into the shower or bath and gets them wet. He's probably done that with his socks before too. XD
Considering that he enjoys full on crossdressing and his compression bras aren't all that feminine, as he currently just owns standard black ones (though he might start making more feminine designs) he's most likely to get more comfortable with being seen in them before anything he uses for actual crossdressing. He only feels really embarrassed the first few times but eventually builds up confidence to wear them around Orbot and Cubot despite their teasing and judgement, since they also acted the same way to seeing him completely naked but he got used to it.
At the moment he tries to hide his compression bras that he uses for most of his outfits and certain activities, and the full on crossdressing he enjoys is only a secret fetish of his that he hasn't intentionally shared with anyone yet (only Orbot and Cubot know after catching him a couple of times). But he wants to get to the point where he's confident enough to express himself in this different way a lot more openly and freely, so he's going to work to get there! And the very first step is to become more confident in wearing his compression bra around the robots and others.
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I'm feeling in a particular mood for some more Logan stuff, (totally not my comfort character who unfortunately is a medium for a lot of angst /s) so maybe the almost-relapse?
the littles accidentally trigger logan's ED (janus and patton help him thru it)
This is a copy pastd from a really long message i sent to liv a few weeks ago, just in case the grammar is weird or somethin!
oOo
context: whenever roman is a brat and refuses to eat dinner, logan gets noticeably more frustrated than with any other bratty behaviour because it hits too close to home to his eating disorder
so...
one day when patton is out somewhere, maybe at his carpentry class ((thats actually slightly spoilers for a big concept for the main blog lol)), logan has both the littles
and roman is bratty and refuses to eat dinner and logan breathes evenly and tries not to worry abt it bc he KNOWS roman always eats, hes just doing it to be annoying, breathe, he isnt actually restricting its ok
and logan was literally holding the baby fork up to vees mouth and suddenly she giggles and pushes it away
"come on baby, yummy time" logan coos and smiles a little but he doesnt feel it, and with his other hand he tickles lightly under vees chin and she giggles and logan smiles and goes to feed her again
but she pushes the fork away and babbles "mo bima!"
and roman laughs "yeah, no dinner! no dinner!" and bounces
and logan is feeling rlly shaky and hot suddenly and swallows thickly and ignores roman, and keeps looking at vee "princess, please open up," trying not to pay attention to how shaky his voice is. "its papa's spaghetti remember? yummy" he nods enthusiastically and goes to feed her again
but again vee just giggles all squeaky and pushes the fork away and looks at roman with a big smile for his approval. and roman is like "yeah vee! rebellion!!!" still so playful
but he hasnt noticed logans chest is heaving a little and hes staring at where vee pushed the fork away and logan was too shaky not to drop it on the floor.
and he looks up at vee and how small she is and how shes genuinely on the lower end of average weight and they need to make sure she doesnt dip down into underweight and thinks about how terrified he is of the idea that if she did develop an ED like he did it would be so dangerous and he cant see his baby go through that and-
it just hits him so so so harshly and hes suddenly crying and roman and vee freeze and look at him. and he hurriedly wipes away his tears and breathes shakily and tries to say again
"vee pl-please just ea--" and his throat closes up, he cant even say the word 'eat' and he gags on his tears and jumps up from his chair to run out to the downstairs bathroom and locks himself in trying to calm down and stop gagging.
and he can hear vee crying and roman - adult now - promising her its okay, mama feels a bit sicky but everythings okay, lets phone nana, its ok baby
and logan is breathing too fast and shaking and crying with his back against the bathroom door, not gagging anymore, but unable to take himself outside
. he hears roman feeding vee, and vee giggling and clearly enjoying the food, but no matter how comforting that is to hear he cant get over that genuine terror he felt when vee refused to eat, its his worst nightmare for vee to develop disordered eating - for any of them, but vee is already very thin and it could be critical, and logan cant get over that
when janus arrives (barely ten minutes later, he must have jumped in the car straight away which is only used for emergencies bc of janus' partial blindness) he speaks quietly to roman, and of course theyre trying to be subtle
but the kitchen is only across the hall from the bathroom and logan hears every word of roman explaining what happened and how confusing it was and how patton wont be home for another forty five minutes and roman didnt want either vee or logan to be alone but they probably shouldnt be around each other right now since vee gets so upset when the others arent happy
roman tries to talk to logan first through the bathroom door, apologising for misbehaving and promising he wont do that again. but can logan tell him what exactly was so bad about it this time? so roman can not do whatever it is in future.
but logan cant bring himself to say anything. he cant tell roman about this at least not yet he hasnt felt ready yet even if its been years and he doesnt know if he ever will be ready to tell roman about his ED
so after realising logan wont talk to him, roman swaps with janus. janus doesnt know the details but he knows theres something about logan and eating and hes made an educated guess from all the fibs hes heard over the years.
"hey, dic" (janus' unsavoury nickname for logan that he insists is just short for dictionary) "do you need a glass of water?"
logans throat is actually dry from hyperventilating and he says with a quiet scratchy voice through the door "yes please"
and when janus brings it to the door he just knocks gently and when logan opens the door to accept it janus doesnt make any comment on logans messy hair where hes run his hand through it or on his glassy red rimmed eyes or on the tremble of his fingers. but he does say "i know it must be so cozy in there" he nods to the cramped cold bathroom "but you might just prefer it in your room"
logan flushes a little and nods, comes out of the bathroom and heads to the stairs, but he pauses at the bottom of the stairs thinking... he doesnt know if he can be trusted alone upstairs. theres another bathroom up there and the gagging has made his stomach churn and he feels FULL from dinner and if only he emptied it then maybe he would feel better right? .... no
so he rasps without turning back to janus "i... i cant be alone"
"look behind you, idiot" janus says and its far closer than logan remembered him being.
he whips his head round to see janus was following closely behind him. janus raises a pierced eyebrow "well, are we going to stand in the stairway all night?" and of course its snarky but its soft too
so logan breathes deeply and they go upstairs to his room. janus makes himself at home, immediately grabbing a book from logans book case and collapsing sideways in logans armchair as soon as they stepped in the room. logan reclines on his bed and sips his water and does breathing exercises and tries to not feel humiliated about this breakdown
every time logan tries to apologise for disturbing janus' evening (he didnt) or asks if janus is sure roman is grownup enough to look after vee appropriately (he is) or insists that he is okay to be left alone now (he's not) janus just murmurs "shut up im reading"
when patton gets back roman just tells him logan isnt feeling good and patton hurries up to see him - and upon seeing his husband logan is overcome by shame that he almost relapsed and relief that his best friend is here and a wave of tears that he tries and fails to blink away
and janus just quietly bids them good night and promises he'll stay a couple hours to keep roman and vee company, but patton insists he stays the night in pattons room (its not safe for him to drive in thr dark) and janus is used to this routine by now that he knows where the spare pillows are
so janus leaves quietly and logan croaks "thanks, old man" trying to sound casual but regretting it when his voice shakes. janus just holds up a peace sign and closes logans door behind him on the way out.
as soon as the door closes logans face crumples and he hides his eyes behind his arm and patton practically bounds over to logan and climbs onto bed next to him and cradles logans head to his shoulder as he cries
they stay like that, cuddling in bed, patton cradling logans head and kissing the nape of his neck and wrapping his arm around logans waist to spoon him and whisper about what happened and how they can avoid it in future
but mainly they just breathe and cry together and patton fills the hours with soft affirmations of love and getting logan a tea and promising its okay if logan wants a cookie with it but logan says maybe later (later turns out to be 2:30 in the morning but at least it really was later)
they barely sleep that night but its all comfort and talking and by morning despite being exhausted, logan feels safer and breakfast goes by without a hitch
oOo
just some notes me and liv made that i think highlights some main points:
logan struggling so much even when he knows that the kids are just playing around and they don't really mean that they don't want to eat, but it's just one of those things that inevitably hits too close to home
it just suddenly hit him! like any other day he can cope with roman doing that, its a small blip usually, but the fact that VEE started refusing food freaked logan out so much bc they genuinely have to keep an eye on her weight just bc shes naturally so small
his emotions about his history with an ED plus his overprotective mama cg space making him nearly go into a panic attack from the thought that vee could develop an ED is very sad and very true
and janus coming right away!! and he and roman handle the siatuation so well, like roman was so smart knowing not to leave logan alone, and janus calling him dic and taking him to his room and staying there until patton gets back
and him crying from just seeing patton because he's his best friend and he can be vulnerable around him is very :'c <3
hes so so relieved to see patton but theres also the slightests "ive let my husband down" bc he thinks bc patton helped him so much he owes it to patton to not relapse - but of course pat reassures him its natural to relapse but he didnt! he caught it in the early stages and asked for help and patton is never disappointed in him
he caught it!!! he caught it and he stopped himself and he let himself be helped by both roman and janus and patton and he didn't even relapse!! and this whole thing is really a sign of how far he's come that he was able to accept their help in his vulnerable state, even if roman and janus didn't have the full story, they still wanted to help him through whatever he was experiencing
#mama logan#little big eating disorder#do not reblog#long post#asks#adorable undead queen#little big after dark concepts
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cdrama rec/review: le coup de foudre
KDRAMA AND CDRAMA MASTER LIST OF REVIEWS
Series: le coup de foudre / love at first sight / i don’t like this world, i only like you
Episodes: 35 w/ a special
Genres: then & now, slice of life, high school to adult life, romance, reunion/getting back together, working with the ex
Spoilers in the Rec: for set-up/light ones for character backgrounds
If You Like, You’ll Like: the reply series, sad-looking dogs that are loved very much, because this is my first life (VERY similar male lead), sibling love, my sunshine but if people were nicer and had significantly better hair, multiple couples that are all a lot of fun
Rank: 10/10
PREMISE
flashback to 6-8 years ago (because the OP here can’t remember lol): it’s desk selection day in qiao yi’s classroom! a very dramatic moment for all high schoolers, qia yi has to select who she sits next to. because she’s at the bottom of the class ranking, she gets last pick, which essentially narrows down her choices to that creepy kid who writes love poetry to every female student in the class and yan mo, the scary genius student who has placed 1st in their class since...forever.
taking a gamble, qiao yi goes with yan mo. yan mo eventually agrees to tutoring qiao yi outside of class and they become friends. then...friends? if you know what i mean. it’s very sweet and cute. only problem is that yan mo is both a genius and from a Family of Means, and so is already planning on attending cambridge (yeah, fucking cambridge) after graduation. not wanting to separate, yan mo asks qiao yi to come with him and she agrees to study hard so she can get accepted to a university in the UK, too.
but then, well, bad shit happened.
qiao yi ended up staying in their home town, yan mo left for cambridge, and we got two v heartbroken teenagers on our hands.
4 years later, yan mo returns after studying in the uk, and by chance they end up bumping into each other. angry because qiao yi hurt him, yan mo puts up an ALOOF AND COLD AND I DONT CARE AT ALL front that she sadly buys. but after he leaves for the big city to pursue a business opportunity, qiao yi harnesses some amazing big dick energy to go after him, in a sort of inverse DONT LET HER GET ON THAT PLANE! move. very abba.
the plot bounces between their (and their friends’) high school years, their lives as reunited adults, and their future lives as married folks. i love it very, very much.
MAIN CHARACTERS
zhao qiao yi
as a high schooler, qiao yi was a quiet girl with low self-esteem, who consistently ranked at the bottom of her class and was always attempting to retreat into her school tracksuit like a turtle. despite this, qiao yi has some solid friends and is always kind if somewhat shy or uncomfortable in certain situations. as a adult, qiao yi works as a television producer and is clearly more confident.
she buys truly awful graphic t-shirts as thank you gifts that one feels obligated to wear. falls for scams easily. will help you fold 1000 paper stars for your boyfriend even if she hates your boyfriend because she’s ride or die like that. look at how cute she is no one is allowed to be mean to someone as cute as this.
yan mo / “frank”
if you liked se hee in because this is my first life, you’re in luck because here is a 10% angrier version. at first, yan mo seems cold, aloof, snobbish, pretentious, arrogant...
okay, but he’s ALSO got a lot of feelings and will help people out. well, at the start of the show, he��ll help two people out. but that expands to like 10. so, progress! in high school, he falls for qiao yi in the typical Cannot Spit It Out fashion, buying her sentimental cans of coke, PUTTING IN ONE EARBUD SO SHE CAN LISTEN TO THE BEATLES WITH HIM, feeling Weird about her tying his tie, and single-handedly ruining a for-profit afterschool tutoring business in about 30 seconds, because they weren’t teaching qiao yi anything, and he knew he could do it better. tbh he completely fucking destroys a lot of things and people in under a minute. #ruthless
he’s very protective of qiao yi and rather than explain it, here is a clip from the special episode where yan mo confronts another student who left a love confession meant for qiao yi in his desk by mistake (subtitles have to be selected under settings, but it’s subbed in english):
youtube
zhao guan chao
zhao qiao yi’s twin brother, who has always placed 2nd in their classes after yan mo. despite his high grades, he comes off as a laidback teen heartthrob and has a reputation for being a flake and a playboy. BUT he’s legit a chill dude and clearly popular for a reason--he gets along with (almost) everyone. he loves his sister and is extremely protective of her, especially since she’s so shy and has low self-esteem for Reasons That Will Be Explained in the Tragic Backstory. he’s such a good brother. the best brother. also looks out for qiao yi’s best friend, wu yi. understands the value of shoes.
hao wu yi
qiao yi’s best friend, and another classmate of The Crew. i say this with so, so much love, but she’s got a lot of chaotic dumbass energy. struggling along the bottom ranks with qiao yi during high school. she has the worst taste in men as a teenager, falling for the guy who literally bullied her in like. ep 2. thankfully she’s got qiao yi and guanchao.
the trio are close, and that doesn’t change as they grow up. wu yi ends up becoming a novelist who writes pop and steamy romance novels and has a significant teenage girl fanbase. it’s amazing.
fei da chuan
my boy. another classmate, he, qiao yi, and wu yi make up the official Dumbass Trio of their high school class and have adorable adventures + solidarity in it. he’s also yan mo’s uncle. somehow. because rich people families are wild. while he’s got a place to live, he more often than not crashes at yan mo’s, who Does Not Like It. but da chuan does not notice or care.
abrasive but 100% sincere about everything and toward everyone. people will think he’s an asshole or a gangster but then he’s secretly feeding abandoned kittens in the corner or something. as an adult, has the best business casual outfits. serves as a big brother figure to a lot of people, but qiao yi in particular. cannot, cannot fucking do math.
SUPPORTING
“alicia” / cheng youmei. an old family friend of yan mo’s who is very posh and rich and dignified. studied abroad with him at cambridge, and is cold toward qiao yi after arriving back in china. cosplays B)
teacher gao. everyone’s high school teacher who later owns a bar that seems to be there only for dispensing advice. seriously. there is no way this bar is economically sound as the only customers you ever see are gao’s students coming in one at a time for Wisdom and you never see them pay for anything. also the bar has no fucking roof and is directly above traintracks. i have hang-ups about this bar
lin shu. yan mo’s mother. very sweet and pretty and a ballernia turned program director. is almost never home but clearly loves her son. du chaun’s sister. somehow.
zhao suyin. qiao yi and guan chao’s mother. one of her kinks is roleplaying condor heroes characters? okay okay okay
tian weimin. qiao yi and guan chao’s stepfather who works as police officer. best dad award. he’s so sweet and corny and peak dad humor. he loves them kids & they love him back
grandpa. yan mo’s dog in high school. a very old basset hound with sad eyes:
dollar or d. i cant tell you anything about him, other than he used to be a stray and yan mo says he’s ugly, which, rude.
DRAWBACKS
plot...hm. there’s SOME plot, but this is about characters + romance + friendship + family. if you’re looking for scheming mothers-in-law or tragic car accidents or secret destinies this isn’t the one for you. similar in vibe to Reply 1988 (they even watch the show in the show :’D / make references to it)
OKAY SO every plot summary i’ve seen says that yan mo is in a relationship with someone else when he gets back to china. no he is not. i say this because it was a huge turn off for me/initially put me off watching the series. he is definitely a one-and-only type. there’s no cheating in this show. lmao, hell, neither of the mains are even interested in anyone else but each other
i liked du chuan and his love interest a lot, but they definitely didn’t get as much screen time as the others
while it’s clear qiao yi + yan mo are the mains, another couple gets a lot of screen time as well. this might be a skip if you don’t like multiple couples/secondary relationships in a show
i surprisingly enjoyed the high school storyline a lot more than the adult one? which is super weird for me, but idk i was sad when it was over because it was so cute.
some...weird technical decisions. every once in a while, the camera will have like a nostalgia filter and then it disappears and then the edges get a bit blurry and idk it feels very film school 101 to show that what’s on screen is a ~memory. the soundtrack/music is sometimes also too loud--to the point where it can drown out the actors (particularly janice wu in the high school arc, since qiao yi is soft-spoken)
REASONS TO WATCH
the lead actors (janice wu + zhang yujian) are legit two of my favorites and they have great/easy chemistry. all the actors are amazing. everyone’s loveable
SIBLING GOALS the zhao twins are amazing and they’re both each other’s biggest fans. gaunchao had some really heartwarming brother moments
i love love lmao. this spoke to a lot of my favorite dynamics: exes reunited/having to work together, childhood sweethearts reuniting as adults, “gangster” and princess, childhood friends turned lovers, bickering couples, cold man who actually has a lot of feelings, lots of people being overprotective, idk. everything was just great. 0 complaints on any of the ships.
i genuinely liked every character other than that one piece of shit poppa zhao. even alicia, who’s put into the stereotypical rich bitch role, was actually really fun and subverted a lot of expectations for this trope
it’s just. real cute y’all. probably my favorite cdrama and definitely in my top 10 (maybe 5?) dramas overall.
FINAL THOUGHTS
i love them ;;
#le coup de foudre#janice wu#zhang yujian#eden zhao#ma li#cdrama#gizka does kdrama#!my post#why yes i am procrastinating please have another in this trying time#this one's my favoriiiiiiiiiiiiiiite
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Final Wrap-up for Chapter One
((since chapter one will be coming to a close shortly and there is still an assortment of questions left over, here is a masterpost of responses to queries that couldn’t be addressed during the story!
[reminder: the ask box will be left open, however the characters are not available. please keep in mind that non-plot related questions will not be answered by the characters after this post.]
Anonymous said: ((Just wanted to tell you your drawings are so pretty and I love ur blog. That is all I have no braincells to ask questions))
Anonymous said: OKAY MOD I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I LOVE THIS AU SO MUCH AND ITS SO COOL AND GOOD AND YOUR ART IS TOO!! sorry for caps I’m just excited
Thank you! Sorry I didn’t always get around to answering asks like this, but for every one that was sent in, I appreciated it with all my heart. You guys are angels 💖
Anonymous said: What is one haunted location you guys would really like to visit someday?
Poveglia is definitely the highest on the list for the notoriety alone, although they would likely never get the permission to go (the history in general is almost excessively horrible and tragic, so nothing good would come out of doing an episode there. Maybe it’d be good as a final-chapter type location? 🤔).
@anxious-fander-bean said: Hey Logan, have you ever tried swing dancing? It's really fun and good excersize! There's also a lot of bouncing and upbeat music, so Patton might enjoy it as well! ((I'm doing it. I need the qpp boys to be happy and have fun, bc they deserve it.))
(LOGAN: I’ll...consider it.)
You did it, you got them to go on some good ol’ platonic dates! B)
Anonymous said: I feel bad that I don't have any deep question or something along those lines, but what's your favorite thing to bake, Pat? - 💐
That’s alright! Questions don’t have to be deep to be fun/interesting.
(PATTON: Cupcakes! You can make so many different flavors, and there are tons of fun ways to decorate them!)
@why-should-i-tell-youu2 said: Why cant anyone else see the seal?
You need to have The Sight to be able to see demon sigils. Patton has this ability naturally, and Dee has it because Elliott taught it to him. Otherwise, Virgil and Roman would be the closest in terms of gaining this ability, but a scared/skeptical part of them is holding them back.
Anonymous said: My good dorks, is there a way to, I don’t know, get a better/more effective charm for your office? One that costs more than $10? -🍁
Anonymous said: Hey, Logan, potential naturalistic explanation for ya: depending on what the charm was made of, shifts in ambient room temperature could have caused minuscule expansions and contractions in the material that would eventually crack the charm. Do I believe my own explanation? Absolutely not. Am I grasping at straws for a non-supernatural explanation? Absolutely. And ambient room temperature doesn’t even begin to explain the red symbol around the charm
(LOGAN: Our budgeting is already a mess as it is, the last thing we need is to waste more funds on decorations. And that theory seems much more reasonable than the contrary explanation.)
Anonymous said: Is the demon that Pavreen summoned the same demon that possessed Elliott?
Anonymous said: Welp Virge SUMMONED A DEMON- (Why do I have a feeling Remy was the demon that possessed Elliot-)
Nope, they’re all different demons! The demon that Parveen summoned is notoriously difficult to contact, so a bunch of teenagers wouldn’t have been able to do it. Likewise for Remy; you can only summon him once you have his True Name, and he’s already destroyed most references to that (sorry Patton).
Anonymous said: omg omg omg what part of mythology is remy part of???
He’s not from any particular mythology, but he is partly based off of Alps from German folklore and the general mythology around sleep paralysis!
Anonymous said: Can Patton see supernatural beings like ghosts and demons and stuff? I just think it would be interesting if his scars make him able to see them :3c
Anonymous said: If both Dee and Patton can see the sigil, and Dee can see ghosts, does that mean Pat can see ghosts too? With the whole red glowing thing (forgot what its called) it seems to be connected.
Yes he can see ghosts/demons, and you’re right that the scars (or rather the deal with the demon which gave him his powers and scars) are what lead to him being able to do it. The red is just a general indicator of something supernatural/not of our Realm.
Anonymous said: Wait so if Patton and his family all have that mark could that mean Patton is not completely human 👀 -🌈
I supposed you could say that Patton’s not entirely human because he’s a witch who was born without a soul, but he’d find that pretty offensive tbh.
Anonymous said: Are Elliott and Patton maybe related, even distantly? Also, roman needs to suck it up and have Feelings for the Snake Man
There’s no relation between Elliott and Patton. Elliott is the child of a seer and a psychic, Patton is the son of witches. They’re similar, but different. (Also you’re assuming that Roman hasn’t liked the Snake Man since high school, but considered him off-limits because he’s his brother’s best friend).
Anonymous said: Does Patton know that Dee can see spirits and does Dee know that Patton is protecting them all?
Anonymous said: Dee, pat, do you know that each other can see the sigil?
Anonymous said: is ... is patton a witch and dee a dee-mon and that's why they don't like each other.....?
Anonymous said: Pat what do you think about making deals with demons?
They’re both aware of each other’s secrets! Technically they’re both doing their best to protect everyone, but that doesn’t mean they agree with each other’s methods or bond over the shared responsibility.
Patton is indeed a witch, and Dee is a regular human who happened to summon a demon one time. Patton thinks Dee is the occult equivalent of a satanist, which he disagrees with because dark magic is unnatural/dangerous in his eyes (making deals with demons only leads to trouble!), and would prefer Dee not endanger his friends. Dee doesn’t like Patton because of his perceived moral superiority, and finds the way he can be so secretive and two-faced creepy
Regardless, they’re both sitting in glass houses and have more in common than they think.
Anonymous said: Patton Should Hug Dee *
Maybe. But he won’t. 8′D
Anonymous said: Since Dee has been able to see ghosts for a long time, was he an open believer in ghosts before Elliot died? Since it was mentioned that the reason he lies about his belief is because he knows that they're dangerous, he wouldn't have had a reason to hide it in the past. And if he did are any of the others aware of the belief change? Well, besides Remus. I'm guessing that one is pretty obvious.
He may have been more involved as a believer in the past, though that doesn’t mean he was ever super open about it. He was aware of how it would look like to outsiders (being genuinely skeptical at one point himself), so he wasn’t going to paint a target on his back by talking about ghosts and demons and things most people can’t see.
Of course, that didn’t stop people from stereotyping and making those sorts of assumptions about their friend group anyway, but no one besides them really knew about their secret-- not even Virgil.
Anonymous asked: What would happen if one time, the gang ended up getting something supernatural on camera?
The result of that would depend on the being. Ghosts can kinda appear on camera, although it’s very rare for them to appear as a full bodied apparition, which is why they usually only manifest in spirit orbs or light/shadows. Poltergeists are better since they’re able to interact with objects, but likewise since they can’t manifest into a physical form they can easily be brushed off. Demons and other miscellaneous creatures will straight up not appear if captured directly on film; you’ll simply get video glitches and distortions.
So essentially, they may technically have found something already, but capturing evidence that’s also compelling is a lot more difficult than you’d think. I imagine there’s a good chance that anything legitimate wouldn’t get taken too seriously because of how easy it is to fake evidence nowadays.
Anonymous said: Okay so a little bit of a rant but not really ig but imagine the ladylike and unsolved crossover for this AU like I can see it as like Thomas' friends dressing up Roman and Dee in style and seeing a blushing mess and maybe flirting going on because of how good the clothing complements each other but this is kinda a weak idea lol
It’s not a weak idea at it, it’s really cute! (though I may just have a soft spot for the Ladylike cast and crossovers).
The only thing to note is that I’ve chosen not to include Thomas’ friends in this AU because I personally weird about writing fiction about real people? (I was on the fence about including character!Thomas for a while too, tbh). So, apologies to anyone who’s sent similar asks or wanted to see any of Thomas’ friends; they wont be around!
Anonymous said: Did Dee and Remus ever have that talk Dee said he would try to have a while back????
They might have gotten the opportunity to chat back when Remus came back to help shoot the Room 1046 video. It wouldn’t have been a complete reconciliation by any means (dealing with years of baggage in one sitting is Hard), but now Remus is aware that Dee is open to discuss things again at some point in the future, so progress!
Anonymous said: wait wHAT?! When did he (Emile Picani) die?? Give us the deets oh wise one
Anonymous said: emile is... dead? what happened?
I see y’all, but unfortunately you’re not getting any answers from me just yet! You’ll have to wait until the next chapter~.
Anonymous said: Shit is about to go down and I am worried about the next ghost "adventure"
:) Don’t Worry About It.))
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Nos cae la noche y tu me abrazas..
I forgot to post this yesterday oops
Lol but here’s my little part for this cute collab @quisieracnco helped put together, so if y’all haven’t checked out her nye hc go check it out it’s perfect. Also i know that @cncohdamn already made a lil chris imagine for this too and it’s literally the cutest so go check that out babes!!
So here it goes, some mad cheesy stuff for your NYE 😘
**Y’all gotta read this shit while listening to the live version of Fiesta en Mi Casa- no exceptio ns!
.
You fiddle around with the straw in your drink as you sit backstage waiting. The dressing room was far, but the music was loud, giving you little goosebumps as you faintly hear the final song. You smile to yourself, feeling that some energy you had every time you heard that guitar riff.
The crowd goes crazy closer to the end and you cant hear anymore, something good must’ve happened. More screams and cheering is heard continuously, the song must have just ended. You gather your things quickly, knowing you were all gonna make a run for it as soon as they left the stage.
The performance was gonna be broadcasted through the city, it would be on every billboard and screen as the clock hit midnight. So you were prepared for when the boys stormed into the room, grabbing phones, jackets, and snacks before heading straight out into the cold city air.
You felt excited, waiting for that final moment of the year always left you with so much energy. And as you start to wonder if the butterflies in your stomach can get any faster, you’re caught off guard by a sudden hand on the small of your back.
You stare up into esos grandes ojos cafés and watch as they focus onto you. “Ya estás emocionada?” He asks and you nod with joy, “you already know it,” his hand still not moving from its place.
Chris wasn’t afraid to get close and be touchy with you, you thought; but this - this was different. Something off about this kind of touch. His hand had found a spot on the side of your waist, almost pulling you in possesively as you speed walked through the city.
Your thoughts must’ve shown through your expression because at that same moment, his cheeks flushed a little as he justified himself. “Parece que tienes frío....”
You smile and let him keep holding on. He guides you through the streets until you finally make it to a heavily crowded area in the middle of the block. There’s lights and screens illuminating the scene and it starts playing from the beginning of the prerecorded concert.
The boys all start cheering, hyping themselves up from the crowd. Richard and Erick are jumping and dancing, while Zabdiel and Joel are beatboxing over the beat of the song. You look up at Chris and he’s beaming, his eyes full of light.
“Feels good, doesn’t it?” You nudge him with your shoulder. “It’s weird sometimes, but i like it yeah” he looks down at you and smiles one of those heartfelt ones you know he really means.
“Thanks for being here, by the way,” he looks at you sincerely, “you’ve helped us out a lot during tour too, i really appreciate all you do..”
“Aw Chris,” you respond shocked, not sure where the sudden sentiment came from. You had grown close with all the boys over the time span you’d worked with them, and it was easy. They accepted you not just because you were new, but because they genuinely liked spending time and having fun with you.
Chris would always find ways to remind you of that.
“I have a surprise for you..” he smirked and wiggled his brow, already back to his playful self. “Chris nooo,” you whined, “you know how impatient that makes me, you have to tell me noW!!” You jump up and down pulling at his arms, begging him to fess up.
“I’ll give you a hint,” he grounds you by placing a hand on your shoulder. “It’s something we’ve been working on lately.” You give him a mean look to express how much you hated that hint.
“Bro deadass what the fuck u mean,” you pout and he cackles like an idiot. “Guess you just gotta wait,” he turns away from you with a sly smile and watches the performance continue on the screen.
A few minutes pass and the set is almost over - meaning the year coming closer to an end as well. You watch as a few of the boys scope out the girls they’ve been eyeing to be their kiss. As they go up and work their flirty magic, touching hands to waists, whispering sweet nothings to these lucky girls.
“I’m surprised you’re not already out there with em,” you edge on Chris.
“Naw i already got my target planned out,” he says in a cocky tone and your heart drops a little. It wasn’t a secret your feelings for him had grown into something more than friendship. In your eyes he was perfect, everything was always so natural with him and you felt so comfortable, so how could you help yourself??
You nod solemnly and stare back at the screens, not wanting to make eye contact with him. The last song starts and your heart immediately skips a beat.
“Con tus caderas,
No necesitamos ni bombillos ni estrellas..”
A little smile creeps across your lips and you feel Chris look at you. “What is it about this song that even gets to you?” He laughs and questions. You shrug how you always did when someone asked you that.
“No sé, i just, me siento algo más de mi. Like I’m not even in my own body when i hear it, es como el cielo, like spiritual i guess.” He looks at you with his mouth wide open, defientely about to make fun of you.
“You sound like you’re high,” you nudge his shoulder and stick a tongue out. “I can’t believe you sing the damn song and don’t even get it.” You turn to him with a finger over your lips, “now shh i wanna listen,”
You close your eyes and feel the cold air against your skin, taking in every part of the music.
“Cuando estamos juntos el mundo se detiene..”
When you open your eyes back up you’re half expecting Chris to be gone, off to win over his notorious mystery girl for the night.
But your eyes flutter open and you’re shocked to see him standing there, closer than ever at your side. He hangs his arm over your shoulder and whispers “i think i know what you mean now, the way the song feels..” you nod with a smug look on your face.
He sways with you to the music and sings along when his part starts. You curl up into his arm, accepting it fully.
“Puedo ver planetas en el techooo” He sings to you playfully and you follow along.
“Hey that reminds me,” you start, “What the heck was everyone screaming about earlier, what did you guys do-“ he cuts you off with a hand on your mouth lightly.
“Shh, bebesita, that’s the surprise,” you lick his hand in retalliation and he wipes it off on your jacket.
Back up on the monitors you watch as the song breaks down to its last minute, the clock counting down as well. Your eyes light up as something new happens within the song. You scramble to look for Richard in the crowd as you hear it,
“Veremos lo que pasaa”
“ShiT!!” You scream and hit Chris’ arm. “You guys practiced, omg he did the high note,” he laughs and gently guides your head to look back up. “That’s not all,” he says and you’re lit up.
“Chris-“ you say unbelievably, “did you do it??” You refer to what you both knew what was about to happen. These little parts of the song were so new and so impactful, he had been too nervous to ever follow through live. His voice could do it easily, no doubt, it was just nerves holding back his full capacity sometimes.
He looks so excited and tries calming you down, “brooo just keep watching.”
You bounce to the breakdown of the beat and little bumps form on the surface of your skin - every time. The tension is in the air the closer it gets to what you’re expecting, and a mixture of the crowd around you counting down already.
“10
9
8”
The music goes,
“Seremos felices, eso dalo por hecho”
“5
4”
You grab onto Chris’ hand absentmindedly and he squeezes it back. His other hand instinctively grabbing onto the bottom of your jacket, slowly turning you to face him.
“Hay una fiesta en mi casaaaAaA”
“1..”
For some reason you feel tears swell up in your eyes. The essence of his voice continuing for what feels like forever. Every second of it resonates through your bones, in your blood, your soul, your whole being.
It’s everything you could want in this moment and you turn to Chris to say how proud you are of him and-
His lips crash to yours in a passionate mess. It’s an act of something that’s been building up too long, something that needed to be let go.
You give in to it, lost hopelessly under his spell. He’s soft and tender, everything you imagined this moment to be. You wrap your arms tightly around his torso and he holds your cheek.
It feels otherworldly, and you have no other motive than to make it last. The music rings through your head and everything becomes more magical. His lips press to yours in long intervals, each touch together has a million words behind it.
He tastes exactly how you imagined and you think that now you might be addicted. Slick lips part from each other and it feels like a movie scene.
Like you’re both in a little bubble that’s only meant for the two of you. Snow drizzles around the bubble and he holds you into his chest, rocking you as he sings lightly along..
“Nos cae la noche y tú me abrazas...”
The guitar feels like a lullaby while in his arms..
You smile and look back to him, humming along to his own harmony. You tip toe up and kiss him again, not wanting to ever stop. He giggles a little too humbly against you and you pull a strand of his hair to shut him up.
“Don’t ruin this,” you sass and he peppers your lips with soft fast smooches, holding your cheeks in his palms.
The music fades out from their perfect voices and nothing else matters. It’s just you, and Chris, and that perfect little bubble keeping everything stopped in time.
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my ateez hi touch experience !!!
so a lil intro gkdjg basically what happened is vip ppl stayed in the concert hall n then after some waiting they took us through this side door n into some hallway and i thought we were gonna go and stand in line and wait for our turn or smth but we literally walked through the door n turned around a corner n they were RIGHT there n i was like bouncing bc i was so excited n nervous and i went around the corner looking like an idiot n first thing i see is jongho like In My Face and i started freaking out it was so scary kgjsdgj
also disclaimer the descriptions for each member arent equally long bc the staff rushed me on a few members + i was too shocked to do anything sometimes i promise im trying not 2 sound biased (except 4 the one abt san. tht one is probably biased but i cant help it im in love and i talk a lot when its abt him.) i love them all i swear gkjdsgd
jongho: like i said he was first and idk how 2 describe him he looks so much? bigger? irl like taller n more broad than id expected HDJDJ but really handsome n i noticed immediately his skin looks really soft and he has v round cheeks hes. cute. i was really dazed so i forgot what i wanted to say to him which was compliment his vocals n i only used one hand i did that for all of them bc im dumb n didnt think hdkddj when i held his hand he went hi thank you! so i just said thank you i love you bdkdjjdk :( i FAILED i was gonna be cool and call him a vocal god but i got all shy .. but its okay at least he knows i love him
yeosang: first of all he looked so soft and adorable all night n kept doing cute things during the performances and i love him so much gkdfokh anyways hes so beautiful up close LITERALLY an angel and he had the sweetest shy smile and i still couldnt think properly so i just held his hand n said i love you so much bcjdkkd i cant remember if he said anything back or not i might not have heard it if he did kgsdjg i actually wanted to tell him that i think hes really amazing and precious but i rly couldnt get any words out other than i love you ksdjgs and i didnt have any time w him at all im sad bc hes one of my favs but hes th one i remember the least from the hi touch i feel like i didnt get to look at him at all :(
mingi: hes SO large but not intimidating at all like i didnt realize he had been towering over me until i moved on to wooyoung who was so much smaller kgjdsg anyway mingis so so warm and smiley and at this point my brain finally started working a bit again and like i swear as soon as u see mingi n his huge smile u just wanna give him the world and tell him hes the best person in the universe like theres smth abt him that just makes u want to give him so much love as soon as u see him so i said “youre so amazing i love you !!!!!!” n he smiled so big at me and said thank u i love u! also his hand was huge n i held it w my tiny hand fhdjkdj
wooyoung: idk if its just bc he was standing right next to mingi but he looks kinda small irl HDJDJDK obviously still taller than me but he looked tinier than i expected. and so beautiful aaaa i really had no idea what to say to him n i was nervous but i said thank you i love you :( it went so fast the security rushed me on quickly so i didnt get a lot of time w him and i feel bad djdkdjdk
seonghwa: godddd LITERALLY the prettiest person ive EVER seen you cant even imagine how gorgeous he is irl and the second he saw me he smiled really bright and was like “my princess!!!!” bc i was wearing my tiara n like my brain shut down it rly caught me off guard BDJDBDJ this is like my clearest memory from the whole concert i can still hear his voice in my head how he said it n his smile ggjdksgjo i was rly flustered ANYWAYS.. i was like stunned but then i was like yes thats me!!! DFFHDF??? and while security were telling me to move on i quickly said “i love u ur my prince!!” n he like held onto my hand a lil longer n was looking back at me while i was saying it even tho i was being rushed away gsdgsdk
san: okskskhmdff the love of my life literally i.....i stared at him for a sec when it was his turn like what the fuck thats the love of my life right in front of me ????? like what am i supposed to DO... and not to be het but hes literally soooooooo beautiful hdkdhddj his facial features look a lot more defined? irl.. idk how 2 say but he looks softer in pics and hes just sooooo handsome jdoddjdkdn its crazy and he smiled rly cutely at me when i came up to him n he held my hand skgjd n like FINALLY my brain was working again so from here on i started actually speaking korean to them like i WANTED to gdgkds i managed to say like half of what id planned to say i literally went autopilot i said it like w/o stuttering and i dont even know how bfkdh and he went like :O and leaned super close to me to hear what i was saying UDHDJDJCCJXJ i said “thank u so much for making me happy!!!” and n his eyes were sparkling n so loving when he realized what i said and he put his hand on his heart and said thank you and bowed at me (nearly headbutting me in the process bc he was so close jgsdgks) n seemed rly happy n touched like genuinely and then i was being rushed on by the staff so i quickly yelled i love you!! n he was like i love you too! dkdofkh i love him so much n he loves me back wow...what a time.. i miss him gksdogkg his hand was so soft and warm 🥺🥺
yunho: didnt get much time w him either i think the staff had their eyes on me bc id lingered at both seonghwa AND san (accidentally i SWEAR i didnt realize i was getting more time w them bc the staff didnt notice i was still there kjgsdg) i wanted to sing happy birthday 2 him but i completely forgot everything n it was going so fast :( so i panicked and i yelled happy birthday i love you !!! rly awkward and he looked SO happy but he clowned my yelling at him n said thank you back in a similar tone as i did KGJSDG he is sosososo cute irl literally just a big teddy bear i wanted to hug him so bad and he has the most sparkly loving eyes i swear also i think he was really happy to spend his birthday with us and im so happy i got to tell him happy birthday in person i feel super lucky :(
hongjoong: okay so like most precious person in my life.. he was last which made me emo bc it felt like he was like the one saying goodbye to me fhdjdh so i was abt to cry and he rly looked at me like i was the most important person in the world gjsdogk like its true what everyone said abt that seriously he loves atinys so much uhghhgh ... n he held my hand as soon as i came up to him (lol the staff said no hand holding n hongjoong said fuck your rules bitch) and he looked rly surprised when i started speaking korean his whole face went :O kjsdkg i asked him if we can be best friends bc ive always been calling him my best friend n i need 2 make sure we r on the same page u know? and he nodded n was like yes!! yes!! n he held onto my hand a lil while i was walking away :( im officially hongjoongs best friend u guys he said it himself...
#🐳#u guys dont have to read this BUT u can if u want#i just rly wanna save it here n share it 🥺🥺#i copy pasted some from my twitter thread abt it bc im lazy gjgds#sorry if the read more doesnt work for some of u LMAO#long post#save#ateez in atlanta#im pretty sure our hi touch was the only one that was this rushed which im happy that everyone else got more time but kinda sad KDJSGSDG#but its ok it was still super memorable ill never forget it n i will. meet them n hold their hands again i swear#i lvoe them so much i was rly sick all night but as soon as i met them i was just happy and comfortable#and didnt feel any pain at all....#i love them :(
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VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN
*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN
cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences
What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!
How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such
Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it
Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)
Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!
If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception
What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman
Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them
Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol
What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear
Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful.
What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic
What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)
What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire
Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either
Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo
Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that
What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day
Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)
Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar
Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense is my sunburnt Brother
Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it
Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried
How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright
Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)
What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself
What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick
Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me
What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history
Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.
#LONG POST#KAY I LOVE U BUT HOLY SHIT MY FOLLOWERS ARE GONNA GET MOTION SICKNESS FROM SCROLLING PAST THIS AT LIGHTNING SPEED#saltwaterfox
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I really am sorry that you didn't enjoy 'our chats' as much as I enjoyed them. You're really good at keeping your cool, you know that? At making it seem like you're doing okay when you're not doing okay, like the things happening are okay when they're not really okay. It'd probably be hard to live your life without a firm handle on that. I really want to talk to you. Really. I like you. I want you to be honest with me, though. Tell me when I'm putting too much on you or treating you too rough. V
ehhhhhh
man, i enjoyed them. i cant help my empathy, frustrations aside, when you ARE genuine with me thats... like not in a dark and threatening way. lol
You have alot of crunchy insights wrt christian philosophy and no reservations in expressing them. Like there are principles often behind it and not a vague, nihilistic moron blackpill thing alot of neoracs have wrapped layers of obfuscation over.
but like, ur ideology seeks to kill me so, shruggie. It was a question of how do i balance my curiousity and intrigue with i guess, ur murderous fervor. You coming into my chat and my twitter to harass me and my friends and peers who simply want to be comfy.jpg was about the final straw of tolerance. I guess that lack of awareness toward that.
also the hate that explodes out of you is immeasurably stressful and simply toxic, even considering my enormous facility for patience, especially when in such a candidly, antisocial manner as in my chat. I couldn't discern if it was COMING FROM SOMEWHERE (lmao psychoanalysis) or if you flatly just didn’t give a shit and wanted the day of the rope for the libidinal excess of it and so on.
If i were to be honest? maybe i feel disappointed. Mostly in myself, for like, not prioritizing my MeNtAL hEaLtH. Thru you and alot of people and groups i was a part of, I kind of saw the futility or a frequent sort of “why the fuck am i even doing this” in engaging with neoreactionaries of ur sort.
I do it because nrx, unlike alot of contemporary ideologues, have a finger on the pulse of the outside, or the threads of darkness that erupt from the abyssal sun. An engagement with undercurrent, subsurface phenomena as well as macro trajectory and societal observation, ie the cathedral. But it’s a balance of mitigating my annoyance and disgust in exchange for that insight and study. Because my process of externalization requires bodies of thought to bounce off of, or else i starve, so to speak. I abhor insulated bubbles of awareness.
But the disgust comes from the way many reactionaries react to that darkness. A violent explosion of incomprehensible pain and fury from glancing strikes that seeks a recontextualized sort of blue pill for security. something to pull you back from yawning abyss. Something to render sense, a phenomenonal rationalization. And that comes down to, well, antisemitism among other things. A human desire to render a one or whole or sort of identifiable well from which suffering pours from. things like antisemitism rely on myth in the familiar way of the unga bunga eternal Other, i guess to put it flatly, as scapegoat. It helps to render sense of great horror by ascribing it to the influence of the Other. “All of your ills is because this tribe poisoned your water,” and orgy of madness ensues. No amount of science and media can diminish this aspect of human nature. A herd morality springs forth to vindicate it, which is the threat. The Human centipede of theory and philosophy that i ascribed to neoreaction, where it begins with neocameralism and arrives at americanized white nationalism and an ideology constructed around mass murder. It’s really easy to craft rhetoric of synchronicities to vindicate such activities, because the ills you see is being produced or caused or effecting everything and everyone. It comes down to mass hypnosis and manipulation and that’s mad gay lol.
Because where it arrives, is simply more generational trauma to no good end. Like a man in a suppressed dark place who murders his wife in an eruption of pent up rage, only to live with the consequences of murdering an innocent, perhaps someone he loved, and STILL live with that darkness. Rage is a survival technique from wounds and pain. It’s useful, but intoxicating.
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February 10th, 2018
**real names have been changed for the sake of privacy. YES i changed the name of my muslim crush and friends to christian names. If you have any advice for me or any comments, please feel free to leave them. just a regular muslim girl trying to find love (the halal way)
So nothing really has changed since i made my last update. I texted him yesterday and initiated conversation. I kinda felt weird doing it though since this whole scenario is weird in general. i'm used to him hitting me up in the mornings while he’s at work and starting a convo and tbh i think the main reason why i feel kinda iffy about messaging him first is because he had also told me in his "tbh" moment that the reason he wasnt 100% interested in the beginning was because he felt off about how i initiated us talking from the beginning. that a girl should make a guy feel lucky to have her and that he also figured that since i was the first to make the initial move, that must’ve meant i've done this in the past with other guys.
kinda funny though considering he's the first guy i've ever tried talking to. im sure he realized after the thursday meeting (if he was still unsure) that i've never done this before. highlighted by my awkwardness + shyness. i remember there was a moment where there was a silence and i looked up to him looking at me. which kinda freaked me out and made me look down, and when i looked up again he was still staring at me. and legit i looked up and down for a solid 10-15 seconds. ugh im legit sooo awkward lol why can't i talk. but on a side note i just found out that some guys find a girl being shy as "cute". i hardly think he thought my behavior was cute though lol more so annoying for the fact that we ARE friends and i didnt know how to act like one.
i know that even though when i met him on monday for the first time (since like last year), i was even more shy. I would cover my face and mouth with my hands and not look at him that much. but he was able to control the conversation and kept making jokes etc etc. that was the main difference between the first meeting and the second. i was less shy in the second meeting but i guess my awkwardness was rubbing off onto him. i dont know how it'll go this week (heck idk if we'll even still meet) but i hope that i can be more myself and show him that im not as boring and awkward as ive been making myself out to seem. and i also hope he can take control again for when i DO slip up and get quiet.
but anyways back to the whole texting thing. i messaged him and it has been kinda choppy. tbh the flow of our texts is kinda similar to the flow of how our meeting went. choppy and silent lol. i keep thinking that he probably regrets talking to me and that he doesn't really wanna have communication with me anymore. it makes me feel sad. i want to bounce back at least through our texts but im not sure how to anymore. i forgot how we used to talk and how we used to be able to talk about nothing for hours. i dont know how to do that anymore which is weird considering that its only been 2 days since i was last able to. again i guess he's being nice about it but i feel like he's partly ignoring me again. like how he used to ignore me last semester. the only thing that made me kind of optimistic was how he mentioned that if i ever do come to see his dad at their store, his dad might think i was a druggie or something since not many desis come around to that area. he was basically trying to make a joke about my presence at the store after talking to his dad about another muslim customer that walked in. so that means he at least thought of me when he was joking with his dad. and then he sent me a snap afterwards of a song on the radio. which made it feel normal again.
i guess i might be overthinking everything but i KNOW that this next meeting will probably determine how things will go. i dont want to mess it up and i've been thinking of different ways to go about it. i wanted to text him and tell him how it's just hard for me to be myself with him in person still and i need to feel a little more comfortable around him before we can develop a flow in our conversations and stuff but then i figured i might as well tell him that in person. so at least thats one conversation we can have the next time i see him. plus he's a nice guy, one of the good ones, so i feel like if i told him how i genuinely feel and acknowledge the fact that im uncomfortable then he might feel the need to make me more comfortable. i also told “Amanda” about everything and she wants to come make a "guest appearance" the next time we meet up to kinda help navigate the conversation and make me feel more at ease with her presence.
i also DONT want to meet again at the cafeteria on campus. first of all, its soooo hard for me to hear him when we're in there. i guess bc of the kitchen and of the starbucks line and everyone sitting and talking near us and the fans overhead etc etc. i realized that one of the main reasons why our conversation was so choppy was also because i had made a mental list of everything i wanted to talk to him about (in hopes of not running out of something to say) but because of my list, i kept jumping from one topic to the next without actually stopping to LISTEN to what he had to say and then ask him a follow up question. like how the heck do i forget how to listen??? such common knowledge but of course i effed up on that too lol. another reason why i dont want to meet at the cafeteria is because i dont like sitting right across from him, it feels like we are in an interview and it doesn't help me relax but makes things worse for me. plus there's nothing to really do at the cafeteria. he eats only zabihah so we cant even order food. i was thinking maybe we could go to the gameroom and play a card game like uno or something. i know he wanted to go to the gym on campus and sit on the benches for the basketball court so we had more "privacey" aka not as many people around to bump into us lol but that's also kind of scary. because then we can't have a break and talk about someone we just saw and we would also be forced to pay 100% attention to each other. i dont know if i want him to pay that much attention to me when im acting all goofy the way that i am. but i know that if we go to the gym it would make more sense if “Amanda” bumped into us since she's always there exercising to begin with.
i just hope he hasn't given up hope on me. it's so weird to think about where we were a few days ago to where we are now. we were so comfortable and honest with each other. we still are honest and stuff but we aren't talking as much. we aren't sharing things anymore. it kind of feels like we are preparing for things to not work out. but i want things to work out. I know “Bill” and “Samantha's” relationship in the beginning was similar to ours. but they had the opportunity to see each other multiple times throughout the week so they got over this phase quicker. we only have the chance to maybe see each other once a week and since its a hassle for him to begin with he might just figure it's best to give up on the whole idea. i dont want him to give up on me.
i just realized its 12:01 AM and i missed Isha namaaz. so i have to make that up. i've been praying for him in my duas. before i would pray for his MCAT score and either an acceptance to medical school or for Allah swt to show him a path that will be the most beneficial and satisfying to him and his deen. now im starting to pray again and make dua that if we are meant to be then make it easy for us. (also for us to be meant for each other lol). i guess the reason why i feel so strongly for him is bc i haven't met any guy or even heard of another guy as hard working as him, as focused as him, as god fearing as him. we match in what we want in this dunyaa. and when i think about him in my future i see someone that i can pray with and be happy with. someone that i can feel safe with. i just hope he doesn't give up on me.
just take it one day at a time.
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I’m Back!
Hello, everyone. Sorry I’ve been MIA for a little while. The past few weeks have been a little hectic for me. I’m closing drabble requests now and have received lots of good ideas. Thank you to all of those who submitted! Also, two of the requests have turned into oneshots (this is a rare thing, but sometimes I get carried away and it happens lol.) The oneshots will be a pirate!au with some smut for Jimin and a dance camp smut with Yugyeom. I’m also finishing up my first Jungkook smut oneshot that I started working on ages ago and involves Netflix and chill. Hehe. Hope you’re all doing well and please look forward to the upcoming drabbles and oneshots! :)
(replies below the cut beware im drinking vodka while i answer to make my responses more interesting hehe (actually im getting as drunk as i can to deal with my vengeful uterus which is very unhappy i have not conceived any spawn this month and is giving me cramps from hell) you may notice my spelling grammar and punctuation get worse as you read please dont hold it against me)
anonymous asked: Hi Leigh we haven't heard of you since you mentioned having knee surgery the next day and I had this really bad feeling I hope you are ok? For some reason I am genuinely concerned and I don't know why so I hope everything went well??
Yes, all is well! I healed in pretty good time and am already out and about again. It’s a surgery I’ve had before so I knew what to expect and nothing out of the ordinary happened. Thank you for checking on me. Sorry if I made you worry :)
omg-mystarx-neoctech asked: Hell YES JOOHEON.
I SAY THIS ON A DAILY BASIS!
anonymous asked: Can I just say I fucking love the layout and look of your blog. Also I just read one of your smuts and holy shit im deceased.
Thank you! I’ve been revamping some of the pages but I only have a few of them done, so a few things may be blank at the moment. I changed it so fics are listed by member instead of type I hope that’s better but if anyone has opinions on the layout please let me know :)
anonymous asked: OKAY BUT THAT JOOHEON SMUT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUSLY SINFUL. I'M HAVING HEART PROBLEMS.
Jooheon himself is deliciously sinful tbh. I have heart palpitations every time I see a pic of him wearing tight pants. Or just pants in general. i aint never seen such pretty thighs before
neon-flamingos asked: I read Rhythm and omg i criedddddd it was so good i just can imagine Jooheon saying all those dirty thingssss my vayjayjay cries
look i recently saw that vid of him speaking english and his accent is so good which means i can totally hear him in my head saying all them naughty english things this is not good what have i done my lady parts also cry HELP
anonymous asked: Everyone is talking about the Jooheon smut and I'm here still crying because of how hard Chained up hit me
oh god that was not my best work but im glad you enjoyed it the thing never got edited i hope its not a hot mess haha sorry markiepooh but it still got the job done i think hehehe
anonymous asked: A part of me regrets reading Underworld AF....but it was such a good read too... that last chapter HURT but it was a good hurt
oh no dont regret reading it! that makes me sad! its a long ass fic i dont want you to get to the end of it and think holy shit i wasted so much time reading that horror flick i tried to bring it full circle in the end im glad you thought it was a good read i panicked for a second haha
honeyheonie asked: HOLY FUCK!!!! I have sinned. 'Rythm' was 👌👌👌👌👌
me too darling ;) thank ya
anonymous asked: Do you have a quote or prompt list we could use? :)
i do not. i leave it up to you guys that way you have lots to choose from
topaz-and-turquoise asked: For some reason, I only just got to binge-read the last 3 chapters of Underworld. Leigh. LEIGH. YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF BTS-GOT7 CROSSOVERS. YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF CROSSOVERS. THE QUEEN OF ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE AU'S. OF ALL AU'S. YOU ARE THE BEST AT WRITING TENSION AND HEART-WRENCHING SCENES AND THE COMPLEXITY OF PEOPLE AND JUST HOLY FRICK YOU'RE AMAZING. THANK YOU FOR THIS. I KNOW YOU ALREADY KNOW BUT THIS IS MY FAVOURITE KPOP FANFIC OF ALL TIME. I'M SAD IT'S OVER BUT I'M SO SATISFIED. YOU ARE THE BEST.
she calls ME QUEEN! thank you thank you I SQUEAL A LOT AT THIS im actually sad its over too. but im content with it. I HOPE IT IS FOREVER YOUR FAVE you stuck with me through the whole thing thank you i love you
statetheobvious04 asked: I've long been a follower for your underworld series and Jesus christ it's one of the best series of read ever. The storyline was so gripping and full of love and loss that by the time I finished the last chapter my chest was heavy and I nearly cried. Idk how you did it but I feel like I've personally lived through minas insane and perilous journey and felt every single emotion as if it were my own. It's een a while since I've read the earlier chapters but I feel like if I do il start 1/2 2/2 sobbing. You are such an amazing and talented writer that this story deserves to be developed into a book or movie but eve then those may not do it justice. But honestly, thank you so much for sharing and writing. And I’m so happy mina finally got the life she deserves and that everyone else managed to find peace in Iceland 💜💜💜💜
THIS MAKES ME HAPPPY YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW CAN I DESCRIBE MY JOY AT THIS MESSAGE you make me cry thank you for loving mina and thank you for supporting the story and thank you for telling me how it felt to read it i love you <3
anonymous asked: hi leigh! I have a question. I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way, I'm just curious! May I ask why you're not taking exo requests?
you’re good honey :) honestly im just not in an exo mood at the moment. i still write for them i still even have a baekhyun oneshot in my drafts idk im just not feeling like writing for them for drabbles at the moment if that makes sense
anonymous asked: Do you still open the drabble request?
they are closed now.
anonymous asked: I'm a Yoongi at heart but your story Underworld made my heart 'boom boom'. Seriously this is the best mafia /zombie apocalypse AU I have ever read and I read a lot of fan fiction. Keep up the good work. PS: Some drabbles based on Underworld wouldn't hurt. PSS: If you don't understand the heart boom boom reference , go see the latest Buzzfeed interview of BTS.
i can’t help but only hear got7′s boom boom boom though haha im down for underworld drabbles i think i mentioned before that any gang!au drabbles i do will be in the underworld universe before the zombie outbreak so far i only have the one for bambam i would link it but im too tipsy for something that level right now sorry :D
anonymous asked: I fucking love your angst writings, they get me emotional aha
thank you i love angst i like toying with emotions ehehe
anonymous asked: Underworld is amazing!!! One of the best stories I've read, even though it has me crying from Paris all the way to the end.😭😭😭😭 You done good. 😁
we dont talk about paris haha jk that one hurt too much thank you darling that its one of the best you’ve read means the world to me :)
anonymous asked: How can you write like thattttt!!!! I adore you. I'll always be your follower 💖
AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU and i’ll always be here! i promise <3
anonymous asked: Who is that in your header gif?
It’s Suga :)
thewriterpixie asked: *squeals* I just finished reading the Suga father/daughter date drabble! It made my day!
Thank you! I love that one so much :)
anonymous asked: Okay I was reading Wake Up and Play with Me and for some reason it reminded me of their song Paradise?¿¿ Now whenever I hear it I'm gonna associate it with this smut xD
Ooh i like the sound of that! i really love Paradise but I think Sign is my favorite on the album but how do you get your question marks upside down i thought the room was spinning for a second i kid you not lol
anonymous asked: Your Jooheon smut got me looking at Jooheony at a different way now 😏 thank you for writing such a quality one shot! You're one of the best of the best!
YAS come to the jooheon side we have thick thighs and adorable dimples you will not regret this ;)
taecmekai asked: hope you are ok and recovering well from your knee surgery :)
i’m okay! gained a few pounds from being stuck on the couch for a few days but idgaf hehe ;) i’ll get back to yoga when i feel like it
coppertopging asked: I just finished Underworld. holy crap the emotional coaster you took me on! I read the last 7 chaps today & i couldn't stop crying. I didn't when Jae died, but his 'funeral' got me with the reactions from everyone. & then Hobi?! That was the most painful. I had to stop & pull myself together. Yoongi made me laugh a little with his delivery. My favorite part of the ending was the Jk/Yugy part. The only thing I felt was missing was more detail into Namjoon & Jin. But this story was amazing!!!
yeah hoseok was the hardest for me too. i wanted to keep anything namjin related kinda vague and open to the reader’s interpretation that’s why there wasn’t much material there but im very glad you enjoyed the story thank you :)
anonymous asked: holy fucking shit. it's 4am and i just finished reading Underworld and i'm crying so hard there's so many emotions i'm feeling. thank you so much for that masterpiece. it's the first work of yours i've read and omfg you're talented as fuck. i'm actually a bit speechless still tbh it's only fully processing to me ...hobi... he's not even my bias but i'm crying so hard i need help wow SO MUCH LOVE FOR U AND UR WRITING THO
omg i cant believe you stayed up that late to read it i wish i could do that but in my old age i dont bounce back that well anymore (i just turned 27 and am very upset about it) anyway THANK YOU this makes me very happy
danphilandstuff asked: OH MY FUCKING GOD RHYTHM WAS SO FUCKING GOOD THANK YOU SO MUCH ITS ACTUALLY HOW I IMAGINED HIM TO BE IT FELT SO REAL IT WAS ACTUALLY THE BEST FANFIC IVE EVER READ IM CURRENTLY READING YOUR MASTER LIST. you're actually such an amazing writer thank you so much (Could I request more Jooheon fics? ((If you want and have time)) )
i will never stop writing jooheon fics. you have nothing to worry about there haha. WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS THE BEST FANFIC YOUVE READ IT WAS SUCH A RAUNCHY SEX FEST I SHOULD BE ASHAMED lol just kidding no but in all seriousness THANK YOU I LOVE YOU IM GLAD YOU LOVED IT I HOPE YOU KEEP COMING BACK FOR MORE MUHAHA
anonymous asked: (1/3) Hey lovely! I came across your blog today after reading your monsta x all in one shot and i just wanted to say thank you for writing something so incredible! it had me gripped from start to finish and it was honestly one of the most (2/3) well-written pieces ive ever read, I would love to be able to write at your standard one day. I cant express how grateful i am, it put me through so many emotions and i actually had tears in my eyes at one point! So yeah, apologies for this (3/3) being so long but i just wanted to express my gratitude and say that you are an amazing writer :) x
oh my goodness this was ridiculously lovely. i am very proud of All In and how it turned out. i hope to finish the sequel soon. i keep getting writers block on it and i dont know why but anyway. thank you for sending me this and im thrilled that i could write something you enjoy very much. you are too kind thank you <3
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who do you think the album is about then ? his ex secret girlfriend ? 😂
well…. tbh, i’ve never really spared much thought on “which mysterious girl” must’ve influenced those lyrics cuz, i kinda find them relatable to my own breakup.. so for me, it has always been like- hmm.. yeah.. i get it Niall.. thank you for sharing.. hope you get to move on asap cuz you deserve so much better than this.. love you. i guess i personally dont wanna give any importance to the ‘ex’.. what’s more important is the lessons you learn from your experience and how you turn them into your strengths..
but since you’ve followed up with this ask in my inbox, i pondered over it quiet a lot.. and here’s how it went *bear with me*:
to begin with, lets rewind back to when nolo was being concieved.. niall was 22, free from the hectic 1D schedule for the first time in 5 years.. aka the first time he got a real opportunity to reflect back upon his life since that xfactor audition kicked off..
try to place yourself in his shoes and think.. you’re most likely to relish in your achievements for the first few weeks.. then you come down from your high and the reality of a normal life routine hits you.. you try to cope with it for few weeks but get extremely bored.. so you plan a long getaway trip with your friends.. you get to look at the world from a different perspective.. you enjoy it.. maybe you spot honeymooners among fellow tourists.. and wonder.. these locations are indeed so scenic.. wish i too had someone to romance with :) but, YOU DON’T have anyone! oh the woes of being single! anyways.. so here you are having a personal moment, feeling inspired and so you pen down some lyrical notes in your leather-bound book..
you try to look back into your past and think about the time when you had an active lovelife.. NOW, if i think about the known bits of his love-life, only Holly and Celine come to my mind.. sure, there were others who were rumored to be his girlfriends at various points of his 1D (aka mostly teenage) life.. but, hear me out-
CELINE is certainly not the inspiration for Flicker cuz she arrived in June 2016 and Niall started writing songs in March 2016 viz. soon after he came home from his south-east-asia trip.. and according to Niall, he was in a good song-writing phase at that time.. he wrote This Town, Flicker, Too Much To Ask during this phase..
so, let’s think about these lyrics.. he says This Town is obviously inspired by his hometown Mullingar.. and the lyrics have a duality in a sense that you can relate them to the literal town itself or to your ex/first-love.. in Niall’s case, it could easily be Holly.. their relationship was out in the open, all over the internet when they were 16 and he had just hit enormous popularity on txf as a contestant.. if you look further, you’ll find Niall himself stating on television that they mutually broke-up because they didnt wanna endure the pain that came with the long-distance relationship on account of his success at txf..
CUT TO 2016! he’s gone through and lived his popstar life for six years and is now back home, being the same down-to-earth local irish lad but without Holly this time.. the reason they decided to break-up doesnt exist anymore.. and yet, he cant have her back cuz, she’s moved on.. and graciously! he is genuinely happy for her.. they are still in touch with each other through mutual school friends, he spots her every now an then whenever he’s in Mullingar or Dublin.. and why wont he? after all, they used to hangout in the same pubs with same friends back in the day.. and there are- what? 26 pubs within one mile radius in Mullingar? *gasp* you dont say!
so yeah.. imagine him longing for that selfless-innocent love-life.. its only natural for Niall to cookup an au where he can have the same Holly back as his gf..
My heart is hopingYou’ll walk right in tonightAnd tell me there are things that you regret‘Cause if I’m being honest I ain’t over you yetThat’s all I’m askingIs it too much to ask?
He also said
Too Much To Ask
is actually what happened after
Flicker
When you lay there and you’re sleepingHear the patterns of your breathingAnd I tell you things you’ve never heard beforeAsking questions to the ceilingNever knowing what you’re thinkingI’m afraid that what we had is goneThen I think of the startAnd it echoes a sparkAnd I remember the magic electricityThen I look in my heartThere’s a light in the darkStill a flicker of hope that you first gave to meThat I wanna keepPlease don’t leavePlease don’t leave
.. so i guess this could be them thinking of breaking up and him secretly being selfish and hoping (back in 2009) for a future reunion (viz. present day 2016).. he couldnt say that out loud cuz they were so young and he probably thought he’d move on and find someone else so, better not to keep Holly hanging, right?
And now, coming to all those rumored girlfriends he’s had during 1D era.. i dont know about about all of them.. but, amy, ellie, barbara, melissa, selena are few of the names that floated around.. each of them latched on to him most likely due to his fame.. if any of them were indeed dating him seriously, none of them could probably keep up with his vivacious personality, his loyalty towards that anglo-irish friend circle, his constant on-the-road life, etc. that ultimately led to insufficient boyfriend time, which obviously none of them were okay with.. neither would you be if you were a teenager.. so none of those supposed 'girlfriends’ hold dear to niall’s ailing heart imo.. certainly not enough for him to write a break-up song about.. plus, he’s good friends with almost all of them even today (his instagram activity checks that out)..
BUT, maybe he reflected back upon these casual relationships too to look for inspiration when he hit that “bad-song-writing” phase he talks about.. maybe it was during this phase that he realised that he was looking back at his teenage love-life from an “adult” Niall Horan’s point-of-view.. maybe it was during this time that he sat along with other songwriters and bounced off ideas.. maybe it was during this phase that he decided to take a back-seat on the lyrics front and focus on writing melodies instead.. maybe it was during this time that they wrote songs like On the Loose and Mirrors. Maybe this was also the time he remembered watching House of Cards on netflix.. maybe that was when he probably flipped the title and wrote down Paper Houses in his notebook.. and then came across the note during these writing sessions and they wrote the song around it? maybe by now he was in “good” song-writing zone again and thus songs like The Tide and On My Own were born? I remember him saying they wrote On My Own in a frustrated drunken state.. there was a lot of shouting of lyrics in the studio.. they were letting out their frustration with their single-lives and lack of good inspiration i guess LOL..
Anyways, going back to speaking of “Niall Horan - the adult’s perspective”.. i guess this version of Niall was also curious to know whether Holly or any of his ex’s suffered heartbreak the way he did.. he probably wanted to include the girl’s point of view as well on his album, especially after all that venting out they did in previous songs, it’s only fair to hear out stuff about heartbreak from the other end, right? He’s a 21st century lover after all.. believes in equal opportunity.. understands that relationships and heartbreaks are a two way thing.. maybe this is when he really looked up to the talent that is Ruth Anne Cunningham.. cuz, i find it hard to believe that Niall or any man would conjure up lyrics that resonate so well with a girl’s point of view without having a female co-writer on board.. so here we are with beautifully written songs such as Seeing Blind, Fire Away, You and Me and Since We’re Alone ! Also, since we are on the topic of Niall being a gentleman, you cant ignore the lyrical play of words in Slow Hands -
“We should take this back to my place”That’s what she said right to my face
can you? Throughout the slow-hands-promo-tour he has been saying, they wanted to twist the song’s sexy vibe and have those words being said from a girl’s point-of-view..
To conclude, Niall has said in his interviews, there was certainly only one girl who he wrote songs about for his album and then there were other songs which are not derived from his personal life but are more inspired by people he is surrounded by in his day-to-day life.. some of them maybe about ex’s of his friends who share the same sentiment of breakup as he does.. we’ll probably never know their names and I personally dont think I need that bit of information.. what am i going to do about it? nothing.
If you read this thoroughly, thank you for your patience! :)
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