When I think about my little brother, I am reminded of my own awkward teenhood and how the hell I managed to get over it.

At 30, I am so much happier now, but when I look back 13 years ago, I am reminded of the purest love from my heart and how I lost all of it to a person who was only meant to pass by. I still remember him from time to time.

I was sixteen when I first experienced the joy of having someone call me theirs. Whether it was the relationship or the idea of belongingness that made me happy, I can't really tell anymore. I was elated being taken by the hand and being called "their girl"— And I was seventeen when I realised I wanted something lasting, something permanent that made me crave— I wanted to be imprinted with a warmth and colour that only "that boy" could feel and see. (I know— if I had wanted something lasting, why'd I crush the whole thing with my own hands?)

And to the boy I dated who was just a day older than I was, how are you? Are you still making art like the rest of your family? I still think about your pretty brown eyes every once in a while. And how you were both handsome but also kind of shitty as a person in general. Like how you were so quick to kiss me in secret only to panic after we were caught, like frightened cats scrambling to hide under anything, anything— And how you swept our relationship under the rug when I just wanted to make peace with the people around you.

It was only recently that I discovered you were truly royalty. But I liked you way back then, when I thought you to be nothing but a talented commoner. Now answer my damned question— are you still making art?

I still remember how you started smoking when we broke up, as though you were celebrating a good riddance. Did the smoke wash you of my presence and all the glitter I scattered everywhere, and the fact that I left my heart out in the open for you even though you confessed that you liked me first?

I hope you're still making art, like everyone else in your family, in your life. And if by chance you remember that girl you dated— the one born a day after you, the one who brought so much glitter into your life and made a fucking mess but you tolerated because for once in your life, you had something you wanted for yourself— I hope you know that I remember you too. Not fondly, not tenderly, but I still do.

so when I die which I must do,

could it shine down here with you?

I feel your breath upon my neck / a soft caress as cold as death

day 1421

been reading through various usps reviews this morning and i've started to notice some trends

i always imagine scar as having scar tissue on the side of his face that pulls the edge of his mouth up slightly. not enough to look strained or uncanny, not enough to even realize that's what's happening unless you've spent a lot of time around him, but just enough so that it looks like he's constantly, always smirking a little bit

oh man so see this is Interesting, bc you honestly don’t need the scar tissue to even pull much to get this effect, just giving him a lip scar in the right place would make it look like he’s always slightly smiling

^tried to show what i mean here, literally nothing else about his expression is different between the two images, just that one tiny mouth scar

(imo a bigger scar there would actually affect his expression LESS than this, because eventually your brain goes ‘oh that’s not part of his mouth that’s something else’ and doesn’t register it as much)

hot guard summer

a non-exhaustive list of my dunmeshi cast headcanons, as well as a fun exercise in censoring genitals in creative ways. below the cut you can see a list of notes and explanations. hope you enjoy as much as i enjoyed watching the anime!

important to preface:

now, lets get into it.

thanks for lookin! here are some sketches too:

some more falins because shes my favourite!

love you forever

before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.

you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"

and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.

it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.

you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.

in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.

the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.

you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.

after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.

the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.

you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.

"77.kra" just hits different

Who are you, really?

in regards to the constant dismissal of his aroace identity, i hate it when alastor 'fans' say and use the excuse: "he's fictional, he won't get offended."

like, you're right, but it can and will offend us.

when you see yourself being represented on screen, of course you'd feel enthusiastic about it — representation allows individuals to see themselves reflected in the media they consume, validating their identities and experiences. but when so many people take that representation and decide to disregard and discard it, it is so fucking frustrating. we finally have another character to be part of the tiny amount of representation we have, but then people don't even care about how much it means to us? like yeah, alastor won't get offended because he's not real, but it frustrates and annoys us. do you realize that it's also technically invalidating the aroace community? that you're invalidating our feelings? imagine feeling like you're finally being seen because your orientation is finally being represented in media, and people just decide to blatantly ignore, discard, and invalidate it.

media has such a powerful influence on real life, representation being a prevalent factor of it. there are numerous posts that dictate how people went to watch a movie/show or read a book just because a character depicts their identity in it — obviously, being represented is an incredibly uplifting and validating experience.

which is why seeing an aroace character in a popular show is so meaningful to us because we live in a world where romance and sex are literally everywhere and prioritized above all else. (and it's pretty obvious that alastor's on the repulsed end of the spectrum, but even if he wasn't, at least make an effort to acknowledge his sexuality instead of continuing to portray him as allo; aroace folks can be in relationships but it's not going to be the same thing with allos' experiences.)

any and every representation matters, but why does that seem to stop at people under the aroace spectrum? like y'all can't even let us appreciate the scraps of representation we have. we barely have any, so are we really that dramatic for being upset at how people easily disregard and dismiss our identities that are being depicted on screen just like that? is it truly wrong of us to want to defend and maintain the little representation we have?

Okay now where's the Seb teddy bear so I can make them kiss each other!?

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in honor of futct’s birthday, i’m curious