#there's a lot in here so like... watch out for depressing shit in some areas
Note
Apologies for the off topic but would you have any tips on writing lawyers who arent just smarmy?
I DO INDEED.
Some negative traits for a lawyer character that aren't "smarmy asshole:"
Being gossipy. I have never, in my entire fucking life, met a lawyer who didn't like drama, and I am including myself in that. I know the exact details of at least three different affairs involving other attorneys in my area, all of which happened years before I started work. In law school I knew which professors had married students (and, in one case, divorced his wife who was also a professor at the same law school to marry a student), who was sleeping with whom, and who'd been kicked out for various infractions. This does extend to our clients, and we definitely will complain about them to other attorneys (within the bounds of not sharing confidential information).
On a similar note, being critical of other attorneys. So-and-so never files motions on time, or doesn't know the rules of evidence well enough to make objections, or can't write their way out of a paper bag.
Being competitive. This is more a thing with litigators, I think, but god does it feel good when you crush your opponent into the dirt. Law is an adversarial system with winners and losers, and it is so fun to be the winner. Even when you like the opponent, there's something innately satisfying when you destroy them with your superior skills.
Not knowing how other people operate. This can take a variety of forms. For some people, it's that "I have no idea if what I'm talking about is common knowledge or something only I know, so I need to explain it in detail" thing. For others, it can be "oh, not everyone thinks attempted murder is funny. Whoopsie." I had a conversation with a fellow attorney where I nodded along politely while he complained to me that representing landlords was no longer profitable for him, all the while thinking, "Does he....... does he not know that I do eviction defense?"
Being know-it-alls. I feel like this goes without saying, but quite a lot of lawyers are very confident in their knowledge and will be assholes about it. However, this doesn't stop them from...
Being perfectly average. The common idea about lawyers is that they're all Harvard-educated geniuses who know everything there is to know about everything. And I am here to tell you that lawyers are just as capable of being dumbasses as anyone else. I am incapable of doing math, and so are a lot of lawyers (the judge in the Alex Jones case kept joking about her inability to do math). When I was in law school editing the students' journal articles, I needed to give a remedial training on how to write essays because some people genuinely didn't fucking know how. And I'm not even getting into the guys who didn't know what sundown towns were.
On the flip side, some positive traits for a lawyer character:
Caring a lot. It is really, really common to burn out on law, either because your subject matter is depressing or your schedule is fucked or your clients just keep being in horrible situations that you can't help them in.
Being fucking nerds. About the law, about other interests like history or science, about fandom shit. I just found out that one of the public defenders here is taking his girlfriend (also a lawyer) to a con this week; he's easily 10+ years older than me and really good at oral arguments. I am mutuals on Tumblr with so many fucking lawyers. And that can include getting excited about weird shit, like me watching the Alex Jones trial the way other people watch sports events.
Having good social skills. Law is a service profession. Even in cases where your client isn't a human person (in-house counsel for a corporation, mergers & acquisitions, criminal prosecution where your client is The State), you are still providing a service and you are going to need to interact with the humans that benefit from that service, even if it's the complaining witness in a criminal case or the CEO of a company you work for. Attorneys with bad social skills – who are obstructionist to their opponents, or abuse their staff, or are bad with clients, or are smarmy assholes – are not liked in the profession, and being liked goes a long way with other attorneys. The number of times I've done things like call another attorney and said something like, "Hey, your client is violating the custody order, can you tell him to knock it off so I don't need to file something about it?" or "Why don't we both knock CPS out of this case and then do the adversarial thing when they're gone?" is... a lot.
In general:
Most lawyers are not making shitloads of money unless they are at very specific firms or doing extremely specific kinds of work. The majority of lawyers are basically middle class. So while the "rich asshole lawyer" stereotype exists for a reason, most lawyers aren't.
We have very strict ethical rules that we need to follow. Now, the ethical rules were implemented because people weren't being ethical on their own, but we do have them. If you want to be a nerd, go look up your local bar's sanctions page.
We specialize in different areas of law. Just like how an eye doctor might vaguely remember stuff about the endocrine system from medical school but probably doesn't know more than that, a criminal lawyer is probably not going to go into, say, wills & trusts. They can, but most people find their niche in an area they like.
There are other kinds of law than just corporate and criminal. Where is my seasons-long TV series about legal aid? Environmental prosecution? TAXES?
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ok last post for the day but did you know that literally unpacking your repression will cure you?
i've been unpacking the word and the concept of "repression" for the past 11 months and it has taken me on a journey that has just. literally repaired holes in my brain
and i didn't even know i was repressed. i thought i was "normal" and knew about all the edges and sides of myself
but it turns out that there was more to discover. and i have resolved to never be so set in stone again, so sure of what i know and don't know, how i identify, how i operate, how i navigate
your body and life and mind are all very malleable, expandable; you can be so much stronger, so much more confident, than you are now. even if you think you're already strong and confident
you don't know what you don't know...
--
the biggest reoccuring issue that i see on the internet is people posting with such authority, being so sure that they're right, even when they're speaking from a very narrow point of view, and have had a sheltered, judgmental upbringing. so they're just projecting their very limited experience on everything else. i know because i used to be guilty of that too.
but now i'm so... like, i am so fulfilled, so happy, and in a constant state of open curiosity, closer to zen than i have ever been before.
and i had to get there through being dragged through gravel at the bottom of a pit; i had nightmares about demons coming through screens, false reality, eyes following me everywhere. this is a really personal note here. you might not resonate with this. but i think that "madness" or nightmares can sometimes be a signpost of something else that's bothering you. i know that i was flagging to myself that the internet and television and etc, while it is very entertaining, it's also literally false reality, like, you could waste your whole life caring about tweets and hot takes and shit. i could just work on my little computer then watch tv and sleep and that would be my whole life. but it was all a coping mechanism for an unfulfilled life.
so then -- what is it that would make for a fulfilled life? even if it feels scary, out of reach, impossible; even if it feels shameful (not from a real sense, i.e. harming someone else, but from an imaginary sense, like "i don't know why, but when i think about this thing that doesn't hurt anyone, i feel sick, like i shouldn't do it, but i want to do it, i feel like i have to do it"--)--
i think there is soooo much repression out there, because we're just steeped in it. and there's the repression that you know about, then a whole shadowy area of your mind that's the repression you're not even conscious of. and maybe sometimes things lash out from those shadows; you project things onto other people, carry grudges, can't feel satisfied with anything, etc
i've dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety and intrusive thoughts and so on, and a lot of it just.......... stopped. over the past year. from unpacking the repression
(i also feel personally that a lot of people who subscribe to conservative ideologies are repressed on some level. and in my mental mind map, there's "repression" < - > "trauma" < - > "isolation" with lines pencilled in heavily between each of them)
and it's like... you open yourself up to yourself, you open up to other people more, you become more engaged in your community, build better friendships, etc.
because it's like repression is poison in the soil... and the more we get rid of that shit the more we can grow, open up, more things grow..
it's just one word, it can mean different things to different people, but i think we could all attack it with the same woodpecker-like ferocity that i am attacking my own repression. you know? then it would be like. oh shit. i had a tool of imperialism and colonialism and white supremacy and heteropatriarchy and protestant / catholic control just festering inside of me for years. damn. good thing i got it out!
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As I wait for my beta to get back to me...
Okay I've never had a beta before and I love him but I'll never have a beta again bc i'm IMPATIENT but anyway I messed around with the sourceless incorrect quotes generator and I'm dying over here so. have these ig
including some things with peter as spider bc guess what! they'll also interact. yes i have three fucking fics planned
----
Jean: Where did you get that tomato soup?
Peter: It’s actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.
Peter: What goes up but never comes down?
Jean: The amount of stress you're bringing me.
Jean, shooing Peter away: Can you go be depressed over there? You’re bumming out my whole area.
Peter: Ah, Hello again. We really need to stop meeting like this.
Jean: Maybe we would, if you would sTOP ILLEGALLY ENTERING MY FUCKING CRIME SCENES!!!
Peter: So I can either do something dumb that could very well get me injured or I can listen to Jean and not do the thing,
Peter: Well there’s a clear right answer here.
Peter: *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke*
Jean: So I have made the decision to trust you.
Spider: A horrible decision, really.
Peter: I'm tired.
Jean: You slept for three hours last night! Why are you surprised?!
Peter: I'm not surprised. I just wanted to complain about it.
Jean: They don’t make them like me no more. I’m the last of my kind.
Peter: Thank god.
Spider: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times.
Jean: You mean you stabbed them?
Spider: They ran into my knife.
Jean: Do you have any idea what you’re doing?
Peter: Why start now?
Peter: I love hearing Jean shouting at someone else. It makes such a nice change.
Peter, getting a full nap with a warm blanket for the first time in literal years (i WILL make it happen): You know I think my life has value.
Jean: Who are you and what have you done with Peter?!
Jean: You use humor to deflect your trauma.
Spider: Awww, thanks-
Jean: That’s not a good thing.
Spider: All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny.
Jean, to Peter: All right, let’s tell each other a secret about ourselves. I’m going to go first– I hate you.
Jean: Why are you on fire?
Spider: This is just how my day is going.
Jean: I'll offer you some friendly advice-
Peter: I don't want your advice.
Jean: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice, dipshit.
Jean: I've met a lot of pricks in my time, but you, Parker, are a fucking cactus.
Jean: That’s illegal, right?
Peter: Why do you care? Are you a fucking cop?
Jean: Kinda-
Peter: Just shut the fuck up.
Jean: I should've left you on that street corner where you were standing.
Peter: But ya' didn't!
Jean: Don’t go picking a fight with me. I could make your life difficult.
Peter, sarcastically: Wow. I wonder what it’d be like to have a difficult life.
Kidnapper: We have your child
Jean: I don’t have a child?
Kidnapper: Then who just told us to fuck off and that he doesn't have time for more stupid problems?
Jean: Oh god, you have Peter
Jean: Who hurt you?
Peter: *snorting* What, do you want a list?
Jean: ...Yes, actually.
Spider: Something’s off.
Jean: Maybe you’ve finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people.
Spider: No, but that’s funny.
Jean: Peter, no.
Peter: Peter, yes.
Peter/Spider: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.
Jean: Killed without hesitation.
[that second part would work for either tho ngl but i can't NOT have pete say the first line]
Peter: I'm bored, any suggestions?
Jean: Sleeping is nice.
Peter: I acknowledge your suggestion, and I’m deciding to ignore it.
Spider: It’s nice to be wanted, you know?
Jean: Not by the law!
Jean: I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face.
Peter:
Peter: I like you.
[Jean if he was not living in the 30s were being gay could get him fired and killed :D]
Jean: You have an impressive pain tolerance.
Peter: Thanks, it's the trauma.
Jean: Where have you been all day?
Peter: Oh, just dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.
Peter: Jean, I sense hostility.
Jean: Good, because I hate you.
Spider being an edgy bastard: I could kill you if I wanted.
Jean: Yeah? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special.
Jean: You're alive.
Peter: No need to sound so disappointed.
Peter: You read my diary?
Jean: At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
Jean: I can't imagine what Peter is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.
Jean: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!?
Spider, sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what.
Jean: What are you doing here?
Peter: I could ask you the same question.
Jean: I work here. This is my crime scene.
Peter: I should probably ask you a different question.
Jean: You saved me! Why?
Spider: People would think I murdered you if I didn't.
Jean: Can you pass the salt?
Peter: Can you pass away?
Jean: Too much salt.
#bonus points if you catch my little headcanon that you can pry from my cold dead hands!#im the only one writing jean except canon i can do whatever the fuck i want#jean dewolfe#peter benjamin parker#spider-man noir#marvel noir#a biscuit's rambles#my fics#<- just gonna use that for everything relating to my fics in some way
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Devilish invention : Morpheus x OC
meme by Aria Zimin, found on Pinterest, all credits go to the author.
Request by @cupcake-de-abacaxi : Morpheus finding out about the Internet for the first time.
I was going for something comedy-like. Wait till the end.
Warning: a bit of swearing.
“I’m working, Matthew. What is it now?” the truth was it was my day off. However, since we were undergoing a lot of changes in the company I was hired, my alleged holiday consisted of me being caught up in paperwork and excel spreadsheets.
“Weren’t you supposed to relax today?” the Raven cawed and titled head
“Matthew….” Why was this one so immune to hints “you do not want to make me angry, trust me.” I turned towards the monitor and this gesture couldn’t be more suggestive as I clenched my teeth in annoyance.
“Sorry, sorry. Don’t shoot the bird. I’m just the messenger here, you know.”
“The messenger?” I frowned. “What do you….? Oh, no. No.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Well you can go ahead and tell your boss that I’m not interested in educating him on human life.”
“But….”
“I’m serious Matthew. I already have too much on my plate. Adding Dream to the list of task would be …. masochistic, to say the least.”
“Well, he’s not going to be happy about it. You haven’t been in the dreaming for a while…..”
“Like he’s worried!” I scoffed “we both know he only cares about his duties and that is why he’s concerned about my presence.”
“You are a dreamer after all and he lacks ideas. If he were human I would say he might be depressed”
“He’s always depressed! I would be worried if he became cheerful all of a sudden. Besides, that was bold to say out loud, wasn’t it? Do you think he did not hear you?”
“I worry he might. Please, can you just spare some time for boss?”
“Maybe, and that is a big maybe, later on. But for now…..” I motioned towards the computer. During our little exchange of words my mailbox was already filled with another 5 messages “I need to deal with this shit.”
“Fine.” He cawed “don’t hold me responsible for what is coming next
***
5 hours later I was utterly worn out. It seemed like every little detail needed my opinion and decision and I felt like I was working in kindergarten. I mean, couldn’t my coworkers decide on background color of the presentation themselves? It was nice to be involved, but my work life was slowly drifting into the area of “this meeting could have been an e-mail”. And then, there was Morpheus. An endless. An anthropomorphic personification of human subconscious. Lord of Dreams. Ruler of the nightmare realms….. Mother of dragons….. Ups, sorry, wrong reference, I guess. My point is, since he was the king of human sleep he needed someone to be his guinea pig and sometimes test his theories. Of course, he did not came up with that idea by himself. Honestly, if it wasn’t for his sister, Death and his librarian, Lucienne he would be lost like a kid in the toy shop. Upon some persuasion I was chosen to be a test drive to all Dream’s ideas. It was fun at first, but quickly turned into being called to Dreaming upon his every request, against my own free will. Maybe the creator forgot to mention to him that human actually have one! What was even worst, I did not have any means to object unless I wanted to be thrown into eternal darkness. Spoiler alert, I did not.
So now, as I was almost done with everything I was just sitting in the darkness, too tired to reach for the lamp switch –key. The sun was slowly setting, leaving lights and gleams on the walls and this last minutes of warmth and peacefulness were about be replaced by darkness and quietness of the night. It was time and I knew it well enough as my eyes slowly started to close and my head fell on the bedrest….
Of course I woke up in the Dreaming. Unusually cloudy and dark tonight. Matthew was right, the King was in a bad mood. Hopefully just brooding and not mad, since the latter was rather hard to deal with. I sighed deeply and started to walk towards the palace carefully watching my every step since I could never be sure whether the ground would crack and swallow me whole.
“Lucienne? Matthew? Merv?” surprisingly, the chambers were empty and this was not a good sign. “Hello? Is anyone home?” my best effort to cover the nervousness were futile as I could not shake the feeling Dream was making a real-life horror show just for me.
“Um….Dream?” I stuttered as the darkness started to creep out closet to me “you can come out now…..”
“Remember your place, dreamer. You forgot your duties of late.”
“Trust me, I did not.” I snorted “if I ever wanted to, I have too many people to remind me of that”
“Hold your tongue!” he took a step closer “or I will make sure you do not speak a word to me like that again.”
“Sorry, Dream. This was not against you. I’m just tired and stressed and I feel like nothing really matters and my work is pointless….” hopefully, hitting such tone will make him draw horns. As a matter of fact he went silent and familiar pout showed on his face. Bull’s-eye!
“I see.”
“So….. did you wanted to see me?”
“I did.”
I swear sometimes it is so hard to communicate with him and his manner of using limited amount of words. Ok, fine. Two can play the game. I decided I will not take it further unless he himself spoke to me.
“I need…. Ideas” he finally mumbled
“I see.” tiling head was the only sign of my interest and the awkward silence felt between us. “I know where you can find some inspiration….” Another eternity of quietness. I guess I know now why Matthew could never get a hint – he was clearly inspired by his boss attitude.
“Where?”
“Have you ever heard about the Internet?” I could not stop the grinning. “Of course you did not. How about I show you all the perks coming with it? But you will have to get us to the Waking.”
“I don’t have to anything.”
“Of course not, but …..” I started, but Dream being himself already reached for his sand transporting us back into my apartment.
***
“This” I pointed at the device on the desk “is a computer.”
“Will you move to the point?”
“Nope. I need to educate you like a kid. One step at a time.” He glared at me, but here, I could not be intimidated. “Relax, will get there. Here’s the power button and when I press it…. Tada! It works.”
“Stop it.”
“Ok, now we get to the more difficult thing. That” I pointed at the monitor “is the Internet Icon. Chrome to be exact, since using Internet Explorer is pretty much like learning about the winner of 2012 euro in 2022…..” I blabbered and almost laughed at Morpheus’ confused expression.
“Are you making fun out of me?” he pouted again
“I would not dare. Sorry. It’s just…. You know, human inside joke. Never mind. Now, to the good part. In the Internet you can find pretty much everything. It’s a whole new world so you might want to take it slow to avoid getting addicted.”
“I am an Endless. I do not get addicted to mortals inventions”
“Mhm, everyone says so” I bit my lip “oh, come on, Morpheus, if you want to see this properly you need to move a bit closer. Here.” As I patted the spot next to me he hesitantly shifted. Can’t lie, the sight of him in his ridiculous coat sitting in front of the computer slouching slightly was a view for sore eyes. “Like I said, you can find everything here. What is the first thing that comes to your mind?”
“What are you trying to do now? I do not share my thoughts and ….”
“Cats!” I interrupted him nervously “everybody loves cats! There are so many videos with fluffy cats in funny situations…”
“Are there?” bad idea! Bad idea! I completely forgot the meowpheus thing. Abort the mission!
“Yes. But ..... but maybe we will leave it for some other time” preferably never “how about some memes instead?”
“Memes?”
“Yes, those are some hilarious pictures, sometimes with comments of words that refer to current situations and events
“Hilarious?”
“Yes, well, um…” I guess exhilarating was also not an option in this particular case. Shit! I can’t believe it. In the whole, vast, global village there must be something to show him. “There are still sites about depression, anxiety, dark and gloom. Do you think I could maybe interest you with emo style?”
“What?”
“Here.” I quickly typed the words into the search bar and showed him some pictures observing Morpheus’ reaction. This was not what I expected. By all appearances nothing changed but being observant I noticed the slight glint in his eyes and a brief thill that made him shudder.
“This is….. appalling. “he finally said “no style at all. Just a complete mess and lack of dignity.”
“Oh….” My face dropped “I though you would like it, given your taste in dark clothes and gloom and …..sorry” I raised my hands in surrender before he turned me into dust “let’s try again, shall we? How about music?”
“Music?”
“You know, that thing that people create with some instruments and sometimes their voices. I bet you heard some music during your centuries – long life.”
“Stop it. I know what music is.”
“Of course you do” I muttered. “But you should know that XV century classics were a bit different from the modern one.” I started my Spotify playlist forgetting it was on the shuffle and all of the sudden the night was torn with The Score blasting from the speakers.
“Lock away my demons,
Chains off and now I’m dreaming!”
“Fuck!” I hissed stopping it “Sorry, that was an accident.” I turned towards my companion who now seemed invested “Dream? Hello? Are you all right there?” fuck, did I break him?
“What was that?”
“Um, a song?”
“Play it.”
“Seriously?” I rolled my eyes. “Don’t tell me we have the same taste in music. We were supposed to learn about human. The score is not really on top charts, so how about I educate you on Taylor Swift. How about Anti-hero. It’s really good.”
“Play that song. Now.”
“Fine. Fine. Whatever you want.” Who would have thought that 3 minutes and 18 seconds could be sooo long. I was really worried Dream might get emotional upon hearing the words but when it ended he was still normal. “Did you like it?”
“farewell to my darkest days?” he asked
“you got good memory, don’t you?”
“this was …. Interesting.”
“So you did like it?” I insisted on getting the answer
“It was bearable.”
“Bearable!” I spring out of the couch “That is my favorite song, Dream!”
“It suits you.”
“Was that a compliment or an insult?”
“Show me more of this internet of yours. Perhaps it might be worthy after all.”
***
A week later
“What are you doing here?!” believe me, the sight of the Dream Lord in my apartment in the middle of the night (In my defense – I was going to the bathroom) is not something you wish for. Sleep paralysis demon would run and hide upon that.
“I need some answers from you”
“Now?! It’s 3 am in the morning!” Of course he did not care and continued
“I came upon something in a dream of a mortal”
“Yeah, you don’t say….” I crossed my arms knowing he would not let go until getting what he wanted “what was it?”
“ some sexual references.”
“I…. What?” given Morpheus love stories and his approach to this matters I should not have been surprised. I really should have not. I mean, this guy made people dream of his lover when he got laid! (once again – in my defense - Dream’s sister once spilled the secret out). But it was just too much and now I was dreading what he might ask me for.
“I wanted to check on the internet some further details about it.”
“No. Mhm. I draw a line here. You do not want to.”
“You do not tell me what I’m allowed to do. I command you.”
“Dream…. Please, do not make me do this….. “ I begged, redness creeping onto my face.
“Show me. Now.”
“Are you sure?” I tried once again
“Now!” he demanded in the darkest tone I’ve ever heard from him
I shudder and walked towards my laptop, being absolutely sure that after this, no nightmare will ever be able to scare me again. They would not stand a chance against this dreadful and embarrassing memory of watching carnal content. With King of Dreams. On the internet. God, help me……
@pinksirensong
#the sandman#sandman#morpheus x reader#sandman x oc#morpheus#the sandman imagine#morpheus x oc#morpheus fanfiction#dream of the endless#dream of the endless x oc#dream x oc#dream lord#dream lord x oc#the sandman netflix#lord morpheus#lord morpheus x oc#dream of the endless x reader#the sandman x reader#morpheus imagine#morpheus imagines#sandman imagine#sandman imagines
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Mahi: hello?
Neta: Hey Mahi don't come into work today. Don't come into work tomorrow or the day after that.
Mahi: Why what's happening?
Neta: *sigh* turn on the news..... I swear it's always me.
News channel: salmonoids have invaded the barnacle and dime mall. We advise everyone to steer clear of the surrounding area. Volunteers and employees of the grizz-co company must arrive as soon as possible to fix the issue. We will keep you all updated on further information we'll receive. In other news is turf war...... ruining our kids education??
Mhai: holy shit!! The whole mall is flooded!!.... Thank fuck we're on the second floor!!
Neta: *sigh*.............. We're still going to get damaged..... The mall is going to smell like salmon shit for weeks........ Anyway I got to head out. I just got my slop suit.
Mahi: what you work for grizz-co??
Neta: No, I'm volunteering. I just want to protect my store! I work way too hard just for it to go-
Cirrina: Aunt Candi's here can we go?!
Neta: yeah I'm coming Sweetie! Yeah I got to head out. Bye.
_______________________________________________
Mahi: mizole babe, let's go.
Mizole: We're going to raid Neta's apartment?
Mahi: yep
* texting *
Mahi: Warabi get up our boss is not home let's break in
Warabi: can't Neta is making me do a shift at Grizz's I'm getting overtime
Mahi: :/ fine is Baja still there?
Warabi: you mean my boyfriend ;p <3
Mahi:..[typeing]..... [Typing].................. Yee
Warabi: no he's with me
Mahi:.... [Typing]........ [Typing]..... Ok
_______________________________________________
Mizole: you know I expected his place to be a lot shittier......
Mahi: Right? I expected it to be like some sort of depression cave or something.
Mizole: hmm.... So what do you do anyway when you're here?
Mahi: nothing much. Watch TV, play his Nintendo, eat his leftovers, go through his shit........ find some really nice stuff. I took a nice t-shirts and a pair of his old sneakers. They don't fit but they're really nice....... There's a lot of interesting stuff if you look for it.
Mizole:...........hm..... .. If I take the base do you think he's going to notice?
Mahi: put that down. I'm not planning on attending your funeral if you do something stupid.
Mizole: boooooo Mahi stop being such a killjoy I thought you said we can steal whatever we want.
Mahi: I meant stuff he won't miss!
Mizole: what's in this drawer- UH!.....uhhahahahahahahahha! how about this?! You think he'll notice this being gone?!
Mahi: *slams close* I didn't see that! I'm erasing that from my memory. lets go down stairs.
Mizole: hehehehe....I mean it'll be funny-
Mhai: SHUT UP!.......... I saw nothing!...... Let's go.
_______________________________________________
Mizole: *eating * so.......... Baja. I guess he's here to stay?
Mahi: ugh yeah.. I guess....... He got a job at the Annaki store and is planning on moving here. ..... Pffth
Mizole: Hey, I mean if we're lucky the salmons will destroy the mall and he'll be out of the job.
Mahi: I'll be out of the job too.
Mizole: you got me, don't you? Heheh.. [kiss]
Mahi: I want my own money.........
Mizole: you don't like Baja?
Mahi: It's not that I don't like him...I like him, he's cool. It's fun to boss him around and tell him what to do. Since he's getting close to Warabi....*eating* They're dating now.......... He's going to be around more often.
Mizole: knowing Warabi. It'll probably be 2 months
Mahi:hehe...... What if Baja wants to move in? We have to buy another mattress... He won't be next to me.. What if Warabi wants to move out again? I'll be here by myself........ again........ what if he forgets me and replaces me with Baja.? A taller better looking vers-
Mizole: *eating* Babe shut up that's not going to happen. Ok? Warabi loves you. He's not just going to replace you with that weenie. I mean look at him....... Look at him Mahi! You can punch him in the face and he'll probably apologize to you! You worry too much babe you'll be fine....... And besides if he moves out you can move in with me.
Mahi: really?... Are we really at that stage?
Mizole: I feel like we are. It's a nice upgrade too, an apartment to a big house in the hills. What do you think?
Mahi: .... ... That sounds nice...... really nice.............. nice big house... We need to keep them together.
Mizole:hahahahahaha.....
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Warabi: okay, just jiggle the pick. I know there's like three notches annnnnd I.... got it! ..... I knew you guys were going to be here!
Baja: are you at least a little worried that he might find out about this?.......... Oh hello
Mahi: hey
Mizole: hm
Baja: you must mizole.... You're the front man of what floor!
Mizole: and?
Baja: I'm a big fan of yours. When Mahi told me that they were dating you. I was really excited to meet you. I've been following your work for a long time. I was a big fan of you when you were with 'the deep sea divers'
Mizole: Yeah I have a lot of fans that's what happens when you have a tale- you know about the deep sea divers?
Baja: yeah! I saw you guys playing at the conch shell club 8 years ago.... Your first rendition of undertow amazing. I mean I like the final cut of it but your first draft was art!
Mizole:.......... You actually like that?
Baja: yeah!... they had a lot of personality in it. Why did you change it? It was so rugged and aggressive now it's all polished now which I love but the original one had such character
Mizole:............... Wow.....uh.......*humph*. You know heh .... when I got signed to a label they wanted a specific genre and all that....hehehe..........* Inhale* ...... What's with the bag and why is it moving?
Baja: oh They're salmonoids. I got some during my volunteer shift at grizz-co. Got a lot of these little guys. I like to eat them raw.....*eating* I got them for you mahi ait tons of them during my shift.
Mahi: nice! Thanks I like to eat them raw too...*eating* They're juicer too
Warabi: *ugh* I can never get used to that.......Any of y'all know Neta 's finflixs password?
Mhai: bassbaba@86
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Mahi: okay so what's the plot of this?
Warabi: okay, so it takes place during the great turf war. Two soldiers one inkling and one octoling who grew up together and are childhood best friends. And the story switches from backstory to backstory until it goes all the way to present day and then it all comes together during the end of the movie. It's really sad like it's so sad.
Baja: Oh I saw this... We had to watch it in school
Mizole: eh
Neta: Why are y'all in my apartment?!
Mahi: *eat* hey boss. you look like shit.......
Baja: AHHHHH... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I told myself that I wouldn't do this again and I did it again. I'm really sorry I'm so sorry!
Mizole: would you get the fuck up! Stop kissing his ass. It's not going to do shit!
Neta:..................*sigh*........*moan*........... I can't do this today .....*sniff*...... What are you watching?
Warabi: 'war-torn brothers'
Neta: The one based off the book?
Warabi: yeah.....
Neta:............ Cici order something to eat and take a shower okay baby?
Cirrina: ok....You didn't go to my room did you?
Mizole/mahi: no
Cirrina: good Don't want your grody hands all over my stuff.......... Unless it's you baja hi!!
Baja: *waves*
Neta: I'm going to go take a nap......... Maybe have a nice hot bath first........Yeah that sounds nice.......... Nobody bother me and all y'all need to get out of my place by 6!
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Mahi and the gang did not leave around 6 they left around 11 but Neta didn't notice. The minute he got out of the tub he passed out @fish-at-fish-fish-resort
#mizole the shittiest person alive but the best boyfriend to ever exist#mizole used to be in an old underground band called the deep sea divers#It just felt like the perfect time to write this. I always wanted to write Neta doing a big run and now he's doing it. holy shit! yay!#mahi took neta's old sneakers knowing damn well they're too big the guy is a size 12#i was planning on making Warabi knock over his mom's urn but nah#no more sad old man neta moments now for tired middle-aged man neta who just can't catch a break and just wants to nap#question is mahi actually willing to move in with mizol because i was just spitballing when I wrote that#The big one team consisted of neta Warabi candi and cirrina#Baja was also there. it was on a different team and he spent most of the time eating. salmonoids.... feels very disturbing#after two shifts and being revived 16 times Warabi got frustrated and left
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Hey, if you have the time could you please list some of your resources to find the original - or at least older than the Disney Canon™ - fairytales? I find them deeply interesting but its hard to mine through retellings of retellings only to find out they are based on the movies
Well as I've mentioned before, the initial post for Cindy was written while I was drunk. In fact, a significant amount of all the chapters for Cindy were written with several beers in me. However! I was writing them while vaguely remembering a literature class on fairy tales I took in college nearly 9 years ago! Here's the reader which I still have because I'm a book hoarder! (Professor Kimberly Lau my beloved...SHE WAS SO COOL.)
So basically the main sources for Cinderella in this class were the Brothers Grimm and Charles Perrault--and like, this class also made a point of distinguishing between folkloric fairy tales and literary fairy tales--so The Little Mermaid, The Wild Swans, and The Snow Queen? Literary Fairy Tale, because those were all written by Hans Christian Andersen in the 19th century, who, for the record, I adore but I would absolutely put in a nightmare blunt rotation. Cinderella, Snow White, and Red Riding Hood? Folkloric. Those have lots of different versions over a long period of time with many variations depending on the audience. We also covered a wide range of funky, kind of fucked up and depressing fairy tales from Italy and Spain (Spanish Fairy tales are SO DEPRESSING oh my GOD Spain are you okay).
But also a significant aspect of Fairy Tales we covered was the concept of "parlor culture" in the development of fairy tales, which like, basically boils down to upper class and emerging upper-middle-class women in the 17th century hanging out and reading shit to each other in the parlors of their estates--this was how a lot of fucked up folkloric fairy tales got re-adapted, and, in their own time, 'modernized' at least by 17th century standards because you had a lot of upper class and upper-middle-class ladies reading their adaptions of folklore gathered by the folklorists of the day. Like, Charles Perrault's collection of fairy tales were written with a very specific goal of the 'education' of young upper and upper-middle-class ladies (like the dude literally ended Red Riding Hood with something like "Hey what do you think the wolf is a metaphor for?") So like... you have this combination of the gradual spread of literacy actively transforming fairy tales and storytelling and also turning fairy tales themselves into an area of active study and interest and, as a result of this, their active transformation. It's like quantum physics, almost! As something is observed, it is transformed!! I don't know a lot about quantum physics!
But okay, got off track. Basically the major sources you're gonna wanna look at for fairy tales are the Brothers Grimm and Charles Perrault because like, while these guys were just recording already existing fairy tales, they basically outlined the fairy tales as we know them today. You'll also want to look at Hans Christian Andersen because while he was writing this shit in the 19th century, dude really got the fairy tale vibe--at least before Disney scrubbed away all of the fairy tales' cool gritty shit (THE BASTARDS TOOK AWAY THE ROBBERS' DAUGHTER IN THE SNOW QUEEN. CAN'T HAVE SHIT IN ANAHEIM.)
Also if you want to look at other cool folkloric projects, I really like W.B. Yeats' Irish Fairy and Folktales, The Fireside Podcast (also Irish folklore), and Francis James Child's Child Ballads.
Another significant influence on my writing style was Jim Henson's The Storyteller which if you haven't seen it yet you need to watch NOW NOW WATCH IT NOW WATCH THE PUPPETS AND JOHN HURT PLEASE WATCH IT NOW.
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Happy Taskmaster day to all who celebrate!
So, I realized today that there’s a conflict. I discovered last week that a pub around the corner from my house hosts a weekly comedy night for free (I mean, for pay what you can, and I left them some money last week, I’m not a dick, but it still came out much cheaper than buying tickets in an actual comedy club). I went, expecting it to be not great because it’s a free comedy night in a pub, but it greatly exceeded those very low expectations. And I was later informed, by someone who knows about these things (and is my brother), that despite appearances it’s not just an open night or anything, it’s where a lot of good comics go to work out material, it’s the best comedy night in the city outside of actual clubs, which cost actual money. And it’s on every week, right near me, so that’s fucking exciting.
I first learned about this night because I Googled comedy in my area, to see if there was anything cheap and convenient that would get me out of the house. Comedy has been a very good escapist coping mechanism in the last few years, to get through the time when we were supposed to disengage with the physical world around us. But in the most recent year it’s become increasingly clear that it’s worked too well, I’ve become so completely emotionally invested in this, and the real world that I tried to go back to was all different and complicated and I didn’t fit into it anymore, so it was too easy to just continue to put all my emotional investment into the thing that had been working for several years.
The drawback to that is, you know, being completely disengaged from the actual world around you is not a good thing. I’ve been working on that, I get pretty depressed at times about how it’s been slow going, but then I think of where I was a year ago, when being out for an hour seemed like a Herculean task, and I know I have made progress. But still, there are bad days. Like the one I had last week when my brain decided that actually, it was going to ignore all that progress, and collapse in a panic attack on the way to the real-world thing I was trying to attend.
I decided that instead of letting the night be a complete failure, I’d go home, regroup, and try the night again, from a different angle. Because about a month ago, I had this idea. That if I like comedy so much but the drawback is it too easily becomes an escape from the real world, the obvious solution is to find some comedy that exists in my real world. So I Googled comedy nights in my area, found this one at a pub, thought it’ll probably be shit but I should try it sometime. And then last week, the day that I was looking for a reason to try again with going out instead of letting the night be defined by failure to do so, happened to be the night when it was on. So I went, had a great time, afterward I had a conversation with my brother that didn’t turn into a fight for first time in ages but that’s another issue; overall it was a very positive experience, I was excited to go back.
Here's the downside: it takes place every Thursday. And this morning, I found myself thinking, “Shit, I can’t go back there tonight, it’s the Taskmaster premiere.” I actually could watch the episode and then immediately leave for this comedy thing, but I don’t want to do that. With a fresh new Taskmaster episode, I want to take my time as I watch it, pause to take screenshots and write shit down and make pointless posts on this blog as I get excited about things. There’s only one chance to watch each episode for the first time, I can’t rush that shit.
So I genuinely thought about staying home, and then I remembered that that runs completely counter to the entire point of my planned excursions. I want to start going to this pub night to make comedy into a way to engage with the world around me, rather than just a reason to stay in my bedroom and ignore it for comedic things I access on my computer. It will really defeat the purpose if I skip it because I have to stay home and watch Taskmaster in a way that lets me post about it on a Tumblr blog.
…So that’s the reason why, even though I’m ridiculously excited about the new season - wildly, disproportionately excited about the new season - I think I’m going to watch the new episode tomorrow morning. I hope it’s great, I hope everyone has a great time watching it, I’m going to stay away from this site to avoid spoilers and preserve my experience, I love this lineup so fucking much that I’m almost concerned it sets expectations too high to live up to, but these people can do it if anyone can. It’ll be great. Tomorrow.
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I know you're into fnaf and bendy, but I was curious, do you have any other horror games you enjoy/would recommend? Also hope you have a good time of day <3
Thank you, anon! FNaF and Bendy are two of my special interests, and re-hyperfixating on them happens sometimes lol. I was into other horror games before, but I don't know them as well as those two. But, I can try to recommend some good ones from memory, just know it's been around ~6 years since I've played or watched a Lets Play of any of these.
(And I think it's worth mentioning that I don't play horror games blind, I usually watch a lets play first before I decide to get them. I like horror but I also cannot stand the anxiety it gives me.)
Dark Deception - Takes place in Hell. You're playing a guy who actually deserves to be there, but is given a second chance at redemption if he collects a bunch of crystals for this woman named Helen. Really good character design, good tension. Story is still on-going.
Little Nightmares - Takes place in a strange world where you play as a child named Six, who is absolutely tiny compared to the world around her. It's a side-scroller, which is a fun take on horror, and it utilizes it's far-away camera to its advantage to build tension, and almost feels like you're watching a movie sometimes. You're on a ship called the Maw, which is basically a pleasure cruise for people to eat their hearts out, people who don't look like, well, people. Their bodies have been exaggerated to weird proportions, and their faces are... eugh. Great character design, level design, sfx, music, and holy shit that ending.
Little Nightmares 2 - I believe the theory is that this is a prequel to the first game. I remember less about this game so bear with me here lol. You play as a little boy who finds Six and adventure with her through another dangerous area, this time, a city. He can use TV screens to get around. I think the character designs are better in the second one, but I can't remember enough of the game to say which one was better overall. And holy shit that ending.
Among the Sleep - Gotta be honest, I barely remember this one, but I remember it freaked me OUT back when I first watched a lets play of it. You play as a kid who has a teddy bear, and the bear gets stolen from you at night, so you hop into a nightmare realm to go get it, basically. A lot of it was a metaphor for family issues (and maybe abuse?) from the eyes of a very young child. His mother is clearly upset by something, and it's heavily implied to be an ex or something. But the majority of the game is spent in Wonderland but horror. I should really rewatch this one.
Tattletail - sorry it's more mascot horror, it's what I grew up on. This one takes place at Christmas, where you play as a kid and get a Furby- sorry, Tattletail- as a christmas gift. Then, another one named Mama tries to hunt you down throughout the night. The moral: don't open your Christmas presents early.
Superliminal - Confession: I have not seen this one all the way through. The game fucks with perspective- if you pick up a thumbtack sitting on a desk and then hold it up to the door before dropping it, it becomes as big as it looked while you were holding it. Extremely trippy. The more horror elements start to appear about halfway through.
Subnautica - c'mon you'd be lying if you don't think this is a horror game. it counts. Subnautica is another one of my special interests. Takes place far in the future, your spaceship crashes down on an alien water planet and you're one of only a handful of survivors. The character designs are EXCELLENT, the worldbuilding is captivating, the sound design? MMMM THE SOUND DESIGN. The music goes HARD. And when it gets dark? It gets dark. Trigger warning for big ocean, terrifying creatures, and dealing with a plague during the story.
Doki Doki Literature Club - omg i almost forgot ddlc. DDLC absolutely shaped part of my childhood growing up, as it deals with things like depression, suicide, domestic abuse, and self-harm. You play as an anime self-insert protagonist and start the game off like it's a dating sim- get to know the girls and figure out which ones you wanna get closer to, you know how dating sims work. But there's a moment that happens later in the game that completely rocks the boat, the game resets, and a character completely disappears from the game completely and is never mentioned again. I cannot spoil this one, it's see-to-believe, but also BE CAREFUL with this one. The subject matter it tackles is not for the faint of heart.
Phasmaphobia - Multiplayer ghost hunting game where you can hear your friends getting killed in the distance and there is nothing you can do to save them. Terrifying, but can also be funny under the right circumstances. Specifically Jacksepticeye's first Phasmaphobia video, there's a moment right at the end that makes me burst out laughing every time.
I know there's more but I can't think of any of them so I guess we'll end the list here.
I love horror for weird reasons. I love worldbuilding and fun characters, so if the concept is wild enough, then I might look into it. FNaF was the first horror game I ever watched someone play (unless you count those surprisingly effective Minecraft horror maps from back in the day). I only grew attached to a couple titles, and the rest I'll enjoy casually as a thrill ride if I want one. But as a lets play, because even that is sometimes too much for me.
Uh, I hope this list was a good one! I should really revisit some of these, lol. Among the Sleep specifically, I wanna rewatch that one now as an adult.
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Hi guys! I’m gonna make an intro post because I have decided to come back to this blog. My other account has some bad memories associated with an ex friend and I’d rather use this one. Anyway:
Hi, my name is Riah (pronounced like Mariah without the “Ma”) but you can also call me Yorke, Lex, or anything idrc as long as you’re nice. I’m non-binary and I think agender is the best label for me but I lean more masculine so please use they/he (it and xe are fine, idrc as long as it’s not she/her.) I’m also a sex-repulsed asexual and I think I’m panromantic (not really sure, I’ve only dated one person and it was a guy before I was out as enby.) please do NOT flirt with me or ask me about my ex unless I want to talk about it. I still have a lot of trauma from irl stuff over the last few years but I don’t take stuff out on people.
I am 21 years old and am diagnosed with autism and ADHD as well as anxiety and off and on depression due to all the other stuff. If you’re ableist or say I’m faking my autism/ADHD, I will block you! That’s not cool.
I like a lot of different music rock and indie (Radiohead, Björk, Coldplay, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Fiona Apple, etc) and I might post stuff here but this is mainly for other fandoms. I am a K-pop stan (mainly girl groups) and I sometimes post them. My main groups are BLACKPINK, Dreamcatcher, (G)-IDLE, Aespa, and IVE. I’m also obsessed with Taemin. I’m not against RPF on principal (as long as it doesn’t involve minors) and I’ve written some K-pop fics before. I don’t write smut because of me being ace. If I do crosspost or promote my AO3 here a lot of my fics are sad. But I mainly post fanfic of fictional stuff. I also don’t like people who are obsessive weird stans with K-pop, pop singers, rappers, it doesn’t matter who it is. Basically any celebrity if you stalk them or think you can marry them that’s weird! Fanfiction is FICTION and they are real people with lives. I see this stuff a lot in the K-pop community so I just wanted to put that as a disclaimer here I in no way support that behavior.
Im I’m a lot of fandoms but my main ones are Genshin, ATLA, Sonic, Mega Man, Legend of Zelda, Mario, Daria, MCU (mainly GOTG these days) Disney/Pixar, Spiderverse + animation in general. I used to be into Star Wars and Hunger Games but I’m more casual with it now. Im bad at watching shows because of my ADHD and need to finish stranger things and umbrella academy someday and then I’ll post them haha. I have a lot of dead fandoms from not finishing stuff. Also I used to be into Harry Potter but I’ve cut all ties with that because of JKR. I won’t hate you if you like HP stuff especially fan content but if you support JKR I’m gonna block you.
I don’t kin characters hardcore but there are definitely some that have more than one relatable aspect to me or I just love posting stuff about: Zuko, Katara, Blues, Zero, Mirabel, Shadow, Nimona, Rocket, Nebula, Vanellope, Gwen, Diluc, Scara—those are just some of my favorites and I’ll post a lot of spam about them lol. If you hate on me or others for having headcanons unless it’s like really really screwed up then don’t come on my page! I’m cool w all ships aside from p3d0 stuff (I personally don’t read 1ncest but it it’s fiction idrc. I will mention I’m in the Archie Sonic fandom to an extent and I ship Knuxulie who are distant cousins, but I don’t count is as 1ncest because everyone is technically related, it’s pretty distant, and Ken Penders is weird. It’s stuff like siblings, parent/child, first cousins, etc. that icks me out. I also don’t ship adopted siblings like Thor and Loki because that’s still incest so stop. robot masters are a gray area because there are so many Wilybots, there is a brief mention of Snake/Shadow in the fic, but all the main sibling ones I don’t ship together.) and people who say shit like “all reylos are toxic” don’t fly with me. I use this as an example because it’s what my ex used to do. Also taking things way too seriously about fiction like saying SU is the worst thing ever (I also want to mention my ex agreed with Lily Orchard and when I pointed out the rightful criticism she got for her lack of research, he said people only hate her because she is trans. He is a cis guy.) I also want to be clear that cishet guys who hate Korra as a character are on thin ice. I have weirdly specific boundaries because of my ex bf.
I hate people who gatekeep stuff in fandoms too unless you’re gatekeeping it from racist people or something. I also hate people who say “you’re not a real fan if you like/dislike a thing the fandom dislikes/likes”, people who harass writers or actors because they don’t like a show like be fr. So if I see that stuff on my page you’ll be blocked. Also saying stuff is non canon just because you don’t like it. The two biggest examples are the Star Wars sequel trilogy and BOTW/TOTK. People who say anyone who likes the sequel trilogy is a fake fan, and people who say that TOTK isn’t a real Zelda game just because they don’t like it. It’s annoying.
I know I mentioned I write fanfic and I’ll occasionally post art here. My instagram, AO3, and stuff is all in my Linktree which it’s not letting me copy link but I’ll post the url here.
linktr.ee/Riahlexuko
Also I wrote a Mega Man fanfic https://archiveofourown.org/works/50900716/chapters/128590468
Anyway I hope you guys have fun and enjoy the blog, I repost a lot of stuff but I’ll post OC sometimes. Anyway, bye for now!
#intro post#introduction#lgbtqia#nonbinary#autistic#adhd#atla#mega man#sonic the hedgehog#disney#loz totk#across the spiderverse#gotg#nimona#super mario#mcu#queer
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Aaaay, happy STS, Moshke! :D I'm aiming for To Die Among the Stars here, but this would be just as funny with Legends of Halara too: If your main characters were sucked into our world, The Devil Is a Part-Timer-style, how well would they fare? What would they do to survive, and most importantly, who is working at McDonald's?
Oh goodness. I’m trying to flesh out TDATS more so basically all my answers for the foreseeable future are going to be about that cast.
I’m going to pick a few random secondary characters for this one:
1. Acorn—I think xe would actually like a lot about our modern world. Xe is ADHD af and would enjoy the fast paced social media as well as actually having a way to connect with other people without needing to go out and find them. Xe wouldn’t mind working in a restaurant, with its fast pace and all, but would be much better on the cooking side of things than customer service.
2. Nozomu—he was a small league wrestler in the future, but I think he would enjoy being some kind of kids’ sport coach in our world. He would enjoy how official things are, the required background checks and official programs both for social aid and community involvement that are mostly lacking in his world.
3. Kitty—she pays more attention to grander social trends than most of the others and would know that our modern era is right before the great shift where we finally got our shit together, saved the Earth, and had about 50 great years before society slid back towards what they know. She would be fascinated from a historical perspective and glad to know that people can be as kind and loving now as ever—but also very disappointed to find our world almost as inaccessible as hers. With one major difference, of course—all schools must be accessible for all students. She would like to teach sped I think, but would never manage to finish an actual school program without getting bored, so would probably end up as a writer and making a lot of YouTube videos about people and society.
4. Twig—oh gosh. She doesn’t do well in any setting ever, but she also doesn’t care much. She would get a kick out of social media and immediately watch all the cute animal videos, followed by binging YouTube videos teaching every kind of skill she could reasonably practice, just because. She was a mechanic and would be fine still being a mechanic, except in our world I think she would get fired for her poor customer service and liberties taken with what not to try on engines.
5. Du—well, for one thing he could get proper care for his depression. I mean, if he could navigate the system and get insurance to pay (there is some potential tragic humor there). He would love the variety of even low paying jobs. I think he would like to work in a fiber arts store otherwise staffed by old ladies, and they think he’s just adorable. He’s not the most experienced knitter there but he will keep trying on a new style until he has it down, and in this one area he’s surprisingly good at customer service.
6. Zjav—he’s the one actually working at McDonald’s. He’s the technically-good-customer-service-but-in-a-deadpan-way type. He makes his coworkers laugh, sometimes on purpose and sometimes with his random cluelessness.
Also, I like to imagine all of them trying to navigate a modern grocery store. It’s not like they don’t go shopping in the future, but it’s very different.
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Back at it again with more PJ's Daycare shit! WOOOO! This time with more of a focus on PJ and... Hudson~
OKAY. So. First image here... more focused on PJ. With Hudson's very early concept design. I threw in some of the other daycare employees (Melon and Cali) as little cameos, and I even did a scene of them reenacting that one funny video of the kid because I was watching a meme comp. and I thought it would be funny. Plus, let's be honest... PJ's new addiction to coffee definitely has... side effects.
Yes, I believe PJ has an "addictive personality". Which basically means it's really easy for him to get addicted to things. Well, hey... at least coffee is better than alcohol.
Plus, PJ's sudden bisexual awakening!
Second image, more focused on Hudson and PJ. I tweaked his design a bit, but I still wasn't quite happy with it. You'll see that later. But here I established these things:
- PJ has a son with his previous partner, Omni. Unfortunately, shit happened, Omni was fed up, and they got a divorce. His son's name is Monochrome, and due to current circumstances, PJ cannot see him until he is cleared by the program he is in. In order to get a sense of how PJ might feel about this, I would listen to "My Little Love" by Adele.
- Both Hudson and PJ are tall. But Hudson is only slightly taller than PJ.
- Hudson has a daughter named Elaine, and he drops her off at the daycare PJ is assigned to do community service in. Hudson probably works a very demanding day job, hence the nachos. I'm thinking this day job is something within the medical field.
- Hudson having a daughter means he also has a previous partner. His previous partner, in Hudson's words: "He was very controlling. Had to have everything a certain way, including me." They got a divorce two years ago.
- Hudson's daughter is biological to both him and his ex. This is because Seedling (his species) anatomy is VASTLY different compared to other species, making this possible. I would delve into it, but that's a bit NSFW for this post.
- PJ is head over heels for Hudson. But due to past and current trauma, he is having trouble letting Hudson inside. I mean that he's afraid to let Hudson in on his... whole world, so to speak.
- PJ probably has a fear of abandonment, as well as issues with intimacy. (Again, caused by his past trauma.)
- Hudson, on the other hand, is very chill. He goes to therapy and is actively trying to better himself. He also works out. It's part of his self love campaign.
- They probably have one night stands a lot, but because PJ is not fully healed, he's afraid to make it something more. Hudson probably wants to be more, but PJ isn't ready/scared to.
Third and final image! Woo! And here we see Hudson's final, official design! Isn't he cute? Yeah...
So I mentioned that he's a Seedling, yeah? Well, to be more specific - he's a type of Seedling called a "Clover Seedling". No duh, right? Now, all Seedlings are characterized by having skin like soil, moss on their bodies in areas, hair like grass, and three to five "tails" or "sprouts" coming from their tail bones. Different Seedling types have different flora growing from their person naturally. Clover Seedlings have clovers, Apple Seedlings have apples, Buttercup Seedlings have buttercups... you get the gist.
Seedlings are a plant based Monster. Meaning... long walks in the rain or Sun are Hudson's cup of tea! Hudson can even make clovers grow around him by touching the earth. Isn't that cool? Also... no. The blue tipped clover on his chest is not a layering mistake. That's because Seedlings have a sprout on their chest that senses the moods of others. When Hudson is around PJ, it's either an intense pink (passion, lust, love) or varying shades of blue (sadness, depression). Sometimes, it will be purple (fear, anxiety, uncertainty).
Anyways... this image basically solidifies that PJ is holding back a lot with Hudson. Almost like he's not allowing himself to be happy.
WOW THAT WAS A LOT OF INFORMATION. But I hope you enjoyed it somewhat. At this point I might as well just start a Rebooted PJ's Daycare comic.
Hm... we'll see. If I get enough people yelling at me then I guess I'll do it...
(Just an FYI, Seedlings are a closed species of mine.)
#my art#sketches#concept art#pj's daycare reboot#pj's daycare#pjs daycare#oc#cw: mentions of trauma#cw: mentions of alcohol
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Since I've got Outlast on the mind, I was thinking about the first game compared to the second and things I like about both. Like I prefer the first game overall I think, but there's still things I like about the second! So here's me rambling about that because, uh, well I don't know really:
Some Things I Like About Outlast (og & whistleblower):
The setting!! That asylum has vibes man and I still love exploring it (though the outside parts can be pretty dark at times lol)
Also a similar note, the graphics are still pretty great, even if they obviously aren't brand new anymore.
The characters! Lots of memorable characters in both things, the antagonists stuck in my mind and even the protags were surprisingly fleshed out through the notes and stuff.
Ouugh there are some characters I HATE (affectionate). If that makes any sense.
The music SLAPS, enough said.
I actually think the story is really interesting too. My friends have joked about it being really bizarre with the whole nanomachines thing, but honestly I love how strange and depressing it all is.
Like damn when you realize this shit's all about a shitty corporation doing morally bankrupt things to people just because they can get away with it and how their mental health is exploited and prodded and twisted into them doing horrible things (I mean yeah some of them were probably not great before, but chances are most of them weren't murderers or anything and many would've been way better off with actual therapy)
I could probably ramble even more about it but I won't because I do wanna get back to playing my game lol
Some Things I Like About Outlast 2:
The changes to the camera are pretty neat, I love how you get to record certain sections and can watch them back later, also taking photos of the writing you find is a cool touch and I generally like how all that stuff was interfaced into the game (including the batteries and stuff)
Also the microphone is a cool addition even if I don't use it much
Although I didn't find the characters as memorable per se, I still think there's cool stuff here! Like man hearing Blake's descent through the recordings and stuff is very interesting
Once again, pretty graphics and setting! I think I prefer Mount Massive, but Temple Gate is still really cool and I LOVE the contrast/parallels between the cult in the wilderness and the (almost) empty Catholic school in winter.
Also blood rain scene my beloved
Music also slaps, though i once again found the og stuff a lil more memorable (but there's still great stuff in this one!!)
Like MAN. some of the chase themes. The school ambience. *chef's kiss*
The story is interesting and it's cool slowly realizing how this place connects back to Murkoff as you're finding more notes and stuff, though I don't find it AS interesting as the og game (I guess it feels more like stuff I've seen elsewhere comparatively?)
The two different areas (one being a manifestation of Blake's own mind) feels sorta reminiscent of Silent Hill in a good way and I think that's neat.
I kinda want to steal Blake's name ngl
It's cool being able to see female characters in this game! (though I kinda wish Lynn got to play a more active role in the story somehow cuz she ends up feeling more like an objective to reach than a character of her own right at times? :/ but from what we do see of her I like her character)
Uhhhh I think that's all I wanted to say? I may have forgotten stuff but eh I doubt many people will see this anyway.
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Okay, so this is gonna be a long post and probably very detailed because I don't know how to summarize shit. I'm gonna be very honest in this post and it's nothing new to some of you but like I said I wanna be honest and in my being honest I may use certain language but it doesn't mean I'm making excuses for myself or looking for pity. I am just being very honest about how I feel. Now, with that outta the way, I wanna apologize for the length of this post lol
So as you may or may not have seen from a recent post I have been making plans to go back to school, technical school to be precise, but school nonetheless. Why? For the last 4 months I have been working very hard to find a job. I shit you not I have at one point filled out 30 applications in less than 72 hours. I've gone to countless job interviews, have wasted my own time, gas and money to be able to get a job. So far I landed that job at the airport but I left it before the week was out. See, during that interview I was promised a position directly with Spirit Airlines because of my previous 6 years of working at the airport. I only signed up because of that. So when I officially started I was then told they tell almost everyone that kind of thing to get people to sign up for the job. I was back at pushing wheelchairs only this time the company was somehow far worse than the one I had worked for previously. Pushing wheelchairs wasn't the problem. The problem was I had signed up for something in particular and was promised something wildly different than what I was facing. On top of that the first thing I heard on my very first day was "Watch what you say and to who to avoid drama. Also watch out for Nino because if she had a bad day she's gonna take it out on you."
...
What the fuck?
I also found out the hard way that leads don't like to help out other employees regardless of how busy the day is. I literally saw Nino seating her ass down all day long drinking coffee, meanwhile the rest of us were starving because we couldn't take our breaks because there were too many wheelchair requests. Hell, no. I left. I'm at an age where being a miserable sack of shit at a dead end job is NOT what I want.
And if any of you remember on February I'd been hired at The Exchange which is a U.S. military owned store. A glorified Walmart to be very fucking honest. I'd applied for a certain position and they put me in another that I couldn't do so they gave me the choice of either staying in that position or quitting. Not much of a choice. So countless mistakes on my part, a lot of humiliation, and gaslighting from management later I was fired for not being able to "perform my duties well". No shit, you piece of shit. Basically they set me up to fail which I did because they kept me in an area that I told them I wouldn't be able to work in and asked to be changed to the position I had applied to but they didn't. I even showed them all the email evidence but they all decided to tell me to my face that "I was aware of what I was doing". That was a super low point for me and my depression came back 10x fold.
Between March and July I was at the worst I'd ever been and being serious here video games kept me alive. I fucking sunk myself into ER and other games just so I wouldn't have to think about anything. I didn't really talk too much about it just to avoid thinking about it.
Then in July I got hit with the combo of covid and bronchitis and there I found I have diabetes. I legit wanted to fucking die right then and there. I hadn't felt that low since my last actual job, which, was the hotel.
That one single year at the hotel was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I had a boss that CONSTANTLY kept telling me I was doing shit wrong. We were told to always remain driving the golf carts regardless of if it was raining or sunshine. My back hasn't been the same since. I was so stressed my period got fucked up and it was non-stop for a whole 2 months. I had to see a doctor and he even pointed out it was due to stress. My mental state deteriorated and I was in an ugly place. On top of that during that job was when I had that incident where some drunk asshole wanted to have his first gay experience and wouldn't take no for an answer and got VERY handsy.
That one whole year destroyed me and after I got fired it just destroyed my confidence and the effects are still affecting me. I legit question myself and I'm afraid of fucking everything. Every time I apply for a job I question if I can do it even if it's just standing there doing nothing. I will go hours on end worried half to death if I'll be capable of doing the job to the point of nausea.
So yeah, for a few years I avoided looking for a job because I was super afraid and depressed.
Coming back to 2022, around mid August I was actually doing a lot better, like pre depression me better. Sure it was due to the scare of catching the dieabeetus but the support from my family was so eye opening. It was life changing. So learning how to manage my radically different life I decided I was ready to get out there and get a job and get back on my feet after 5 years of depression.
It's been exhausting trying to find a decent job. The straw that broke the camel for me recently and made the depression pop back up again was an interview at a funerary home where they legit told me to my face, "We actually called you in for an interview because we were curious about this large 5 year gap between jobs. We were wondering if you just didn't wanna work."
.........
Listen, older people in the island keep parroting that nonsense about people not wanting to work anymore and it is so fucking damaging and harmful. Look, I am insanely proud of the younger generations telling shitty jobs that barely pay to fuck off and die. I am so proud that people have had enough of the abuse and want to stop it. So employers are out there crying that people don't wanna work anymore. No, you stupid puta, people are just so tired of abuse and barely making ends meet because y'all don't wanna pay people livable wages. I hate that shit, every time someone says that "no one wants to work anymore" I chew their ears off. I don't care who it is. I will verbally assassinate you if you say that garbage in front of me.
I've been working my ass off trying to find a job. Am I being picky about the location? Yes. Yes, I am. Traffic in Puerto Rico is a massive fucking nightmare. I don't want an 8 to 5 where I have to get up at 4:30 to be out at 5:30 to get to work at time and then get home at 9. I want to have enough time to get to the gym. Ever since I joined I've been losing so much weight and have been feeling so fucking amazing and it has had my diabetes in such amazing control that my A1C results went from 10.35% down to 4.2% from August to October! My family was in absolute shock when they saw the paperwork. So I do NOT wanna sacrafice my time at the gym for some crap job that'll treat me like shit, barely give me any time to myself and pay me horribly. Going to the gym has been the best decision of my life and I do not want to give it up.
So on to now. A year or more ago my aunt brought up courses of pet grooming to me but back then I was still deep in my depression and mess so I shrugged it off. Recently she noticed I was frustrated and stressed over not being able to land a job and she brought up the pet grooming courses again and I thought it was a good idea. I love animals, especially dogs, so working with animals, being able to set my own schedule, rules and do my own thing sounds like an amazing idea. So in February I'll be starting pet grooming classes. The course is 8 months long so if all goes well I'll be done by October.
I wanna dedicate all 8 months to the courses so looking for a job is on pause. The classes are 5 hours and 50 minutes from Monday to Thursday and I get overwhelmed easily. I've been stuck in a depressive jobless state for 5 years what's 8 more months? Besides, it was when I had full availability and I wasn't getting hired, a restricted schedule will make me seem far less appealing unless they're okay with a weekend warrior which I've yet to see.
What I'm getting at is that I am actually considering opening commissions just to get a teeny tiny bit of cash flow while at school. Now, I don't really have any unique angle to bring to the table, I don't have many followers, I am very painfully obviously self-taught but I'm willing to dedicate Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays to that. I'm still very unsure if I'll try that yet but I've been flirting with the idea. I wanna play around with some other ideas before I give a definitive answer. IF and when I do I'll make a post about it with all the info.
So yeah, that's pretty much everything covered. Sorry for the length but if you read till the end I am eternally grateful and I love you for it.
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Northern Line
This story won the 2016 Winston Fletcher Fiction Prize. My sincere thanks to the committee.
I ran away but I didn’t run.
It’s not like that song me Da played about the runaway, and the guy takes care of her and keeps her safe. No fucker’s doing that for me.
I knew where the bastard kept the money. So, cool as you like, I took it and walked out, jumped on the bus to Piccadilly, bought a ticket to London and fucked off.
But I didn’t run.
*
My Da was a drunk but he was never mean. He still managed to get himself locked-up, but it was like something out of Frank Spencer.
He’d passed-out somewhere off Rusholme. When he was out a mugging took place in the same alley. He fitted the description and wore similar clothes to the mugger. The lawyer made him sound like a drunk. Which he was. But he wasn’t bad.
That was a year ago. Since then me and Carl have been in the home. It’s shit.
When he wasn’t fuckin’ drunk me Da was clever, funny. He knew things and we would talk. He told me about books to read, we listened to records together all the time and he knew about politics and stuff like that.
I did well at school, but now I’m not even going.
Me mum I never knew.
*
I listened to New Order, The Paragons and Talking Heads all the way down to London. One thing my Da gave me was decent records. I taped them and left them with Carl.
I thought London would be amazing compared to Manchester. Buckingham Palace and all that shite.
But London was a shithole too.
Victoria coach station was full of junkies and weirdoes so I got the fuck out of there.
In W H Smith I bought a Standard to find jobs and somewhere to fuckin live and an NME. I chose Belsize Park because of the Marillion song Kayleigh. I found it on the black line — Northern. That made me smile. Northern. Like me.
I read the paper on the way and circled the places near Belsize Park — there was a few. A punk got off at Camden Town. The rest of the carriage was empty.
Punks are losers my Da says.
*
At Belsize Park I call the agent from the payphone outside the tube and he gives me directions. He had a strong accent and said he is from Cyprus.
When I got there he looked at me like ‘What the fuck you doin ere’, but didn’t say shite. He was short, fat and bald with a little mustache. He showed me around the shittty bedsits and talked about Cyprus.
‘In Cyprus we don’t live like this,’ he said ‘You know your neighbours and you could leave your door open. Not like here,’ he says.
‘Why don’t you go back?’ I says.
‘Opportunity,’ he says after a bit.
‘But look. This is good. Not like Victoria or Kings Cross. This area OK.’
He showed me a room with a window overlooking a small park. ‘It’s the biggest still free — you have for the same price,’ he said. ‘How old are you?’
‘Seventeen,’ I lied.
‘I need one month advance and another month and you can move in today,’ he said.
I got him down on the price a bit. My Da says never pay first price then I paid the money. It was a fuck of a lot but I had the cash so fuck it. I was happy. I got him to give me a receipt and he gave me the keys and everything.
When we sorted everything he asks ‘Your accent? Where are you from?’
‘Manchester,’ I says. ‘I’m not going back.’
*
The room was empty, grey, depressing. I bought paint and a roller at the hardware shop on the corner and found towels, cutlery and bedsheets at the charity shop further down the hill and got a beer from the newsagents. I never had trouble getting served.
I painted the walls and then opened the window and sat on the floor and watched the sun set.
Not as cold as fucking Manchester anyway.
*
The next day I spend the morning calling the numbers in the paper and Loot to find work. A couple are agencies. I have to work out what the fuck ‘agency’ means. A few asks me to come in. I tell them I can type and can work computers. I can’t do fucking either but how fuckin hard can it be?
I put on my best Angela Rippon at the interviews. They fuckin love it, and one lot tell me I can start at some government organisation in Victoria in the morning. They didn’t ask me fuckin shite or test me or anything.
I spend the rest of the day visiting places I heard about in London. Carnaby Street is a dump, full of shite t-shirt shops. Soho is better, with some decent clothes shops and good record shops. I take the bus home when it hits me. Home. My first ever that’s mine. Home.
I celebrate by puttin up posters from the NME. There’s a good pic of Sinead O’Connor and one of Adamski, who’s been number one for ages.
Time to call Carl.
*
One time when I got the hiccups and my da said I shouldn’t worry about drinking out the other side of the glass or that shite, but I should hold my breath till I blow one off.
‘What?’ I says, and he says ‘Yeah — this actually fuckin works innnit so try. Hiccups is annoying so sort it out.’
So I did.
My Da, Carl and some others were there — the house was always full of fuckin people. Anyway. I sat there holding my breath and concentrated until I could squeeze one out.
I had my eyes closed and when I opened them my Da was there, right in front of me, and he says, ‘So you OK?’ I says, ‘I think so.’
‘So you farted then?’ he says. ‘Not very ladylike,’ and he had this fuckin smarmy look. And everyone starts fuckin laffin’ and crackin’ up.
I’m fuckin livid and I says ‘I fuckin didn’t!’ and everyone starts crackin’ up again.
I’m thinkin now that this is a fuckin trick and I’m fuckin pissed off. Right pissed off.
Then my Da says, ‘Well, you ain’t fuckin’ hiccupping any more.’
For a minute I just fuckin sat there and wondered what the fuck.
But it was true — the hiccups had gone. Once I realised, I had this moment when I just couldn’t believe it and yes — the fuckin hiccups had gone and I started crackin up too.
Carl was only little then and he was fuckin crying he was laughin so much. I’m thinking of that now, and I cry a little for my Da and because it was so fuckin funny.
Then I look around. Everyone on the bus has their Walkmans on and shite. So I squeeze one out. Nobody will think a lady done it.
*
My brother Carl is younger than me but sensible. He don’ get in fuckin trouble like I do. He’s stronger than me. He hated the home but he could survive better than me. He didn’t get shit from people all fuckin day like I got. He didn’t come under the bastard’s attention. He didn’t suffer in the same way. But he still wanted out. I’ll get him out.
I dialled the number. The bastard answered. ‘Parkview?’ it did overlook a park, but the park was too dangerous to go into.
I gave it my best newsreader. ‘Can I speak to Carl Banham please?’
There was a pause. He was thinking about the consequences of the question.
‘Who’s askin’?’ he says.
‘It’s social services. We have information about his father’s case.’ I took extra care to pronounce the ‘aitch’ properly.
‘Why don’t you ask about Ellen? You know she’s gone?’ he says.
‘I’m afraid I can’t discuss that with you. We are looking into allegations Miss Banham has made about the running of Parkview,’ I paused here, nervous.
‘Can you put Carl on please?’ I says. Bullies respond to bullying my Da says. Still, my heart was racing because I knew that he knew it was me.
‘Wait a min,’ he said. I couldn’t read anything in his voice.
I waited and looked at the graffiti around the payphone. There was a smiley face and the word ‘Shoom’ Someone else had written ‘RAMPLING IS GOD’. I didn’t know Rampling. A footballer?
Someone I didn’t see left by the front door. The wait can’t have been more than two minutes.
‘‘Ello?’
‘Carl? Is that Carl Banham?’ I squeaked, the accent wobbling.
‘Ummm, yeah? Who wants to know?’ he asked.
I kept it up for a second longer. ‘Can you hold the line please, we have someone to speak to you,’ I said in my best newsreader.
‘Dad?’ said Carl.
‘Carl don’t freak out it’s me Ellie.’ I said, letting my real voice slip back. ‘Don’t say anything.’ I could hear him breathe in. ‘If you can talk, say ‘Yes Miss’ and if you can’t, say ‘I don’t think so Miss’.’
There was a pause. ‘It’s fine. Where are you?’
‘London. I’m gettin’ meself sorted out. I’m not comin’ back. You OK? Sorry about leavin’ like tha’.’
‘He went mental. He says you took money. It were fucking great,’ he said.
I smiled, then started to worry. ‘Did he hurt you?’
‘A bit, but it was worth it. Look I’m fine. OK?’
We talk for a good few minutes. Carl’s fine and everything has blown over I think. I miss him and worry about him. I tell him I took the wanker’s money and he laughs.
I ask Carl, “Who’s Rampling? Is he a footballer?’
‘Who? I dunno. Look…’ a pause. ‘I don’t think so Miss.’
‘OK. Look. I’m going to get you out, but it might take a while. I’ll call next week. Wait at the phonebox by the newsagents at the same time and we can talk then. But I’m alri’.’
He didn’t reply.
‘Love you Carl.’
‘Yes Miss.’
*
First day at work was fuckin’ amazing. The Government department is The Lord Chancellor’s Department and apparently my job is to do fuck-all.
My boss is Lorraine who is very fat and complains about everything in the office — the carpet, the windows, the computer. Everything. She says even the building has ‘sick building syndrome’ which means it makes everyone depressed. I fuckin’ laugh. How can someone get a building built that’s basically completely shite? Must have cost a fortune. How is that even possible?
Down the corridor from Lorraine is Mike who is the Union rep. He reminds me of my Da. He says I should join the Union and then I can get to strike if things get to that. I said sign me up.
Mike does literally nothing. He has terrible eyesight and the computer has a screen to make the words fuckin massive so he can see them.
When he’s not talking the Union or arguing with Lorraine he watchin’ this thermometer to see how warm it is. He says if it goes above 26 degrees then everyone’s out.
It’s difficult to see exactly what everyone is supposed to be doing. I do some ‘filing’ which means putting a load of files in date order. It’s a piece of piss but boring. Lorraine says I’m good and I’ll be doing more tomorrow.
When tomorrow comes Lorraine says the first day was to see if I could tell my arse from my elbow and now I was onto the big stuff.
She says to follow her, and she waddles like fuckin Daffy Duck to another part of the building and she opens a door. ‘What you think?’ she says. It’s a big room full of fuckin files. I mean full. Hundreds — thousands maybe.
‘You can say no,’ says Lorraine.
‘It looks ace, I says.
*
Life is strange. I had worked in Kwik Save on the weekends and the evenings but that was about it.
When Da got sent down I left school because it was too heavy. When I told Da he went fuckin mental. I was good at school. He said I was clever. I don’t feel clever.
Now I’m working in London for this fuckin government department and I don’t even fuckin know what the department fuckin does. My job is so fuckin easy a proper wally could do it in his sleep.
But it’s mine.
*
I go to work, I come home and I listen to my Walkman or wander around London. Tonight I put on Rum, Sodomy and The Lash. I remember seeing The Pogues on TV and I didn’t get it at all. Playing fuckin Irish music? Fuck that. And their singer looked like he was, what? Fuckin dead?
My Da fuckin loved them and made me listen to it over and over. Some albums you get sick of but this is bulletproof and gets better and better. He sings about drinkin’, war and rovin’, whatever the fuck that is, and it’s fuckin ace. I’ve listened to it a million times and I’m nowhere near sick of it.
Tonight I walk to Camden and there are posters of smiley faces everywhere and for Shoom. So it’s a night? Rampling is on the same poster. He’s the DJ?
*
At work there’s a canteen. I eat there and read NME or Melody Maker. I catch more about Rampling and the nights in London. They play this electronic music. I don’t get it. But people are losing their shit about these fuckin parties.
Dave comes up. He’s one of Mike’s cronies and helps him with the Union. He’s younger than most of the others here but still loads older than me. He sees me reading the NME and he’s reading over my shoulder.
‘Can I help you,’ I says.
‘Have you been then,’ he says, his eyes wide.
‘What?’
‘Shoom, Future, The Trip..’ he says.
‘No I says.’
‘Come — we’re gonna go to The Trip on Saturday.’
‘Umm. I don’t think so,’ I says.
‘If you change your mind you know where I am,’ he says.
He’s not moved. ‘What’s it like,’ I says.
‘The best fackin thing I have ever been to or ever done in my whole fackin life.’
He’s a Londoner or from Essex and speaks like Del Boy.
I ask Lorraine about him. ‘Oh he’s a sweetheart — a nice boy,’ she says.
Maybe I should go.
*
Dave picks me up at 6 on the Saturday.
From the outside my place looks fuckin’ amazing, only looks like a shithole from the inside. What the fuck he thinks about me and what I’m doing, fuck knows.
He’s with two friends — a girl and a boy. Both are friendly. Anyway, he says there’s a change of plan and we are not going to Shoom or whatever, but to a rave in a field.
I’m less than delighted and think about diving out. He sees my face and says ‘It’ll be fun. Honest.’
Off we go.
*
On the M25 we stop at service stations to get directions and make calls from payphones. I have no fucking idea where I am. We go to about three different ones to make calls when we see some other cars and Dave says, ‘They know’, pointing.
‘You know where the party is?’ shouts Dave. They say to follow.
Half an hour later we are in the middle of fuckin nowhere in a convoy of cars and things look totally shite.
Ten minutes of drivin through fields and suddenly there’s music. Or not music, just boom-boom-boom of a drum.
Suddenly there’s excitement. We park. There are cars fuckin everywhere, all parked any which way. Everyone legs it towards the music.
I don’t know what the fuck’s going. I follow.
There’s a small valley, full of loudspeakers, a stage, lights and hundreds, maybe thousands, of people, all dancing like mad.
What the fuck?
*
The music is all loud and thump-thump-thump. Everyone looks mental.
*
Dave comes back over smoking a menthol cigarette, chewing gum like mad and glass-eyed.
‘How you enjoying it?’ he says.
‘It’s fun,’ I says. It was fun.
‘So what’s your story?’
‘I ran away from my care home. I need to get my shit together. Then I can get my brother out too.’
‘Care home? How old are you?’
‘Fifteen.’
He stares at me. ‘FIFTEEN?’
He just stares, chewing. I feel small, like I’ve admitted to too much.
After a while he takes a drag on his ciggy and his eyes roll into his head. He says, ‘You are the luckiest person here. Easily the youngest too. Look around you. The world is changing and it starts here. You’ve got a headstart.’
He came and gave me a hug. He was all sweaty. He hugged me like a brother and I started to think that everything was going to be better.
I didn’t cry. I don’t cry. But I felt happy. Hopeful.
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September Sky Chapter Two, Part 7
"Yep." Amber said, looking at Justin, with her eyes wide.
"I'll do a pint of that then," Justin said, hopping off his stool and heading towards the bathroom. A man with a loose tie, who looked to be miserable, sat staring with dead eyes at his drink. Business meeting gone wrong. Or middle aged marriage gone wrong. Either way, vey depressing to see.
"You know, you should just tell him," I said after Justin was out of earshot. Amber had a very large crush on Justin. And she's had it from the first day she started here. Every single one of us knew it, except for Justin. Chad thought I was oblivious, but Justin was on a whole new level. Amber had made each of us swear we wouldn't tell him.
"What if he doesn't like me?" Amber said, putting Justin's glass down on a coaster, and just handing me the bottle of beer.
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, Nugget." I said. I had this very heavy hunch that Justin had some thing for her. And like her, he was chickenshit.
It was kind of funny to watch these two dance. And other times, it was the most frustrating thing ever. The will they. won't they, stuff is only entertaining for so long. That's why they never do it too long on TV shows.
"How is that dumb?" She asked.
"Because you can't be that oblivious. I swear to god, you two are fucking perfect for each other." I took a drink of my beer. It was cold, and it tasted good. I took a much larger drink. I could already guess that tonight was going to be at least two shift drinks.
"You really think so?"
"Fully. Just say something, because the flirting isn't working, and it's kind of awkward to watch," I said, laughing.
"Yeah, and fuck you too." She tried to sound angry, but she couldn't hide it for long, and soon she was laughing too. I turned back to see Justin making his way back to the bar. He sat down and took a drink from his glass.
"Hey, that's not bad at all," Justin said, "Wanna try it?"
"Hell no. I'll just take your word on it." I replied.
I pulled out my phone to check the time. Instead, I found myself going to my contacts and hovering over her name. I had done it a few times now, wondering how long is long enough and if I should call her. Or, like now, it was getting late and I didn't want to be a bother. It had only been two days, and I was for some reason really worried about coming off too eager. That was a new feeling. I'd never had much of a problem with it in the past. Just another gift from Emily.
"Chris!" Amber shouted at me. I snapped back to reality. I did that a lot. Justin and Amber were used to it.
"Huh? What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."
"I know. Did you want another one?" Amber said, laughing. They found my habit of losing myself in my head annoying and amusing. And then never really let it get them mad. They didn't know my history, so just chalked it up to me being strange. Quirky.
"Yeah, sure. One more won't hurt," I took the last few swallows of my High Life as she grabbed another one and traded it to me for my empty one.
The guy at the end of the bar sighed, got up off his stool and headed out into the night. Amber went to wash the area he was sitting. She was kind of anal when it comes to cleaning. I give her a lot of credit. She kept her area of the place immaculate. Better than my kitchen. Better than Angela's dining room.
Justin showed me some video off of YouTube that I don't remember. He laughed at it though, and I didn't.
"Oh shit, before I forget, would you be cool working with Mitch and Dana on a Saturday night? I'll even get Mike to come in for dishes." I asked, the thought popping in my head.
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Not to dampen the mood, but I'm struggling with depression today . How do you cope with a depressive episode?
aww, babe, i'm sorry. sending you hugs and lots of love 💗🩷💜
This is likely to be a long ass rant, so apologies in advance for what is below the cut, lmao. This is, as sad as it seems, my one area of expertise since i'm depressed 24/7. So... yeah.
some depressive episodes are worse than others and some days are harder than others, so i guess determine what kinda day you're having? Sounds dumb but like on really difficult days, when im not able to do jackshit, if I try to force myself to push through it, and i inevitably fail cuz mental illness, it can make me feel even worse about myself.
SO, i guess first, decide, is it a rotting day or is it a "lets do SOMETHING today"?
if it's a rotting day, thats okay! embrace it! put on the comfort show that you dont even have the energy to focus on watching, stay in your pajamsas if thats what you need. let yourself have that and remember that its a LITERAL ILLNESS its the equivalent of trying to walk with a broken leg, its fuckin hard, man.
I have a "depression cheat sheet" that I originally made for my ex cuz he was also a mentally ill human and when you have two of those in one relationship it's....yeahh...
I think it's something like this:
Drink a glass of water
eat a home cooked meal
take a shower
go for a walk
Those are the essentials. sometimes even those need to be abbreviated. like maybe you order in, instead of cooking, but if you can cook, it really helps to do 1 task from start to finish! or maybe instead of a shower, you just brush your teeth. sometimes even that feels impossible. if you have to sit down while doing it, sit down. there are no rules that say you must stand up to clean your teeth!!
IF it's a day where you are able to do more, maybe do stuff to engage your 5 senses? that usually helps to ground me in the real world and get me out of my head. so...fluffy blanket, a strongly scented candle, music, fresh air, anything thats about YOUR BODY.
and if its a day where you feel like pushing through, trust me, don't go about your day as normal. pick an easy task. people always say that you should put the hardest part of your to do list at the top. THAT IS NOT FOR THE MENTALLY ILL, YALL! start with something you KNOW you are likely to complete. for me, that's always reading 5 pages of whatever book im working my way through that day. but sometimes it's journaling for 10 min, sometimes its literally watching a matty healy slutty edit and then doing some morning stretches! notice howim not saying "read a whole chapter," or "journal for half an hour." THE GOAL IS ACHIEVABLE. SMALL WINS. It builds the momentum in your brain and makes you more likely to complete the next task if you start off with success. ESPECIALLY if you're an ADHD girlie like myself who already has a dopamine deficiency that makes your brain crave that shit.
Here's the hard part: routine. again as someone with ADHD and anxiety and shit, routine is so so so hard for me. but its the most helpful for depression. you'll be tempted, the second that your brain starts to feel even a bit better, to just do whatever you like. NO, NO, NO! stay on that routine. waking up and going to bed at the same time everyday, doing the same things like coffee/ breakfast, work/ exercise, in the same order, helps get you started. There's a reason that George mentioned it in that Tape Notes episode when mentioning his own depression. it helps. it sucks. but it helps lmao.
this one is lame but: you're a human being. you're allowed to fall apart, cry, suck, not feel okay, not be productive, feel like dying, etc. as long as you dont actually die, then its okay. life is fuckin hard man. being alive is hard. and every day that you successfully get out of bed in the morning is a win. the only reason you dont feel like that is because capitalism has taught us to put a quantity onto our self-worth but that is literally fake. you are worthy just because you exist and sometimes that is enugh.
you do NOT need to do x, y, z to "reward yourself" with rest or love or mysic or food or the things that make you feel good. you can feel good and deserve it no matter what.
i hope this helps. i love you. you are good. everything is gonna be okay.
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