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Short #3

Short #1 Short #2

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Angelus slowed down and looked at Jelani who was completely avoiding any and all eye contact with him. His eyes darted between the window and the roof even as Angelus stopped to look at him. He recognized that behavior so he stopped, carefully lifted himself off him and sat next to him making sure not to touch him. He looked him over and noticed his breathing seemed uneven and distressed which was far from his own breathing which was a mixture of excitement and pleasure.

“Jela, are you okay?”

No response, just his heavy and distressed breathing as he stared up at the roof while lying completely still on the bed. His arms were stiff against his sides and his fingers were digging into the mattress.

“Jela?” Angelus called out again as he slowly moved his hand towards him.

“Can we stop?” Jelani asked, his voice breathless and shaky.

“Yeah, of course.” Angelus replied and watched as Jelani got up and sat on the edge of the bed as he quickly scrambled to grab his clothes and boots. It was the first time since they’d met that Jelani seemed comfortable enough to completely undress while he and Angelus had sex and while Angelus was unsure about Jelani trying it he wanted Jelani to make that decision for himself and as it turns out he wasn’t ready for it. He didn’t mind his partner being half naked, the only thing that mattered was that he was comfortable.

When Jelani put his jacket back on he closed it tightly and wrapped his arms around himself as he sat quietly looking away from Angelus. Angelus on the other hand, put his shirt back on and sat next to Jelani who was quietly crying. He couldn’t help but brush his hair back, he knew touching him while he was in that state wasn’t wise but he wanted to comfort him somehow, he was glad to see he hadn’t jumped at the feeling of his touch.

“I’m sorry.”

“Aw,hon…” Angelus quickly sat up and carefully grabbed Jelani’s face with both of his hands and turned his face towards him. “Don’t you ever apologize for not wanting to continue or not wanting to, all right? We do this if and only if you want to and feel comfortable with it, you don’t owe me or anyone that and don’t say yes if you’re not up for it, okay? I’m serious. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to.”

Jelani didn’t say anything, he just looked at Angelus for a second before grabbing him by the chin, pulling him closer and kissing him. Angelus returned the kiss though he was cautious about where he touched him. About a minute into the kiss Jelani suddenly pulled away and without saying a word he left the room leaving Angelus sitting on the bed.

Angelus was unsure if he should follow him or give him space, for the most part he guessed and this time it was no different. He got dressed and followed Jelani outside but stopped at the door and watched as he made his way to the end of the dock. He wanted to follow him to make sure he was really okay but being that close to water made Angelus’s skin crawl, he knew Jelani knew of his phobia of bodies of water so whenever he wanted time for himself he’d usually head down to the dock. He watched to make sure he was only going to the dock and not somewhere more secluded, he didn’t want him going to some other area where no one would be able to see him. The more eyes Jelani felt on him the less chance there was of him hurting himself. As he watched him he was suddenly startled by someone grabbing his left arm and dragging him back inside the building. Once he gathered himself he turned around and saw Loke closing the door, there was a serious look on his face that actually managed to unsettle Angelus–though he’d never admit to it much less let Loke know he found his expression unsettling. Part of him wanted to match Loke’s energy but he knew better than that so he chose to lower his shoulders and relaxed his stance. He watched as Loke walked past him and made his way to the empty bar where a lone shot glass and a full jug of moonshine were waiting on the countertop. Loke sat down and grabbed the jug, poured himself some of the moonshine and took a swig from it, as soon as he swallowed he turned to Angelus, this time with less intensity, and with the shot glass he pointed at the seat next to him.

“Sit down.”

Angelus hesitated at first but before Loke could tell him to sit down again he made his way to the bar. As soon as he sat down he turned sideways to face Loke, both men were now facing each other and silently sizing each other up, not in a physical sense, it was more like they were sizing each other up in terms of intentions and personalities. They looked at each other for a few minutes before Loke broke the awkward yet tense silence.

“I think it’s time you and I had a conversation.” He said as he reached over the countertop and grabbed a second shot glass. He set it on the countertop with enough force for the glass to have made a significant thudding sound but he hadn’t slammed it either. He poured some of the moonshine into it and slid it towards Angelus as he stared him down.

“I guess so.” Angelus replied as he grabbed the glass and downed the drink in one gulp. Northern moonshine didn’t have the kick that southern moonshine had, it went down as smoothly as water did.

“How did you meet?”

“Some Commonwealth raiders ambushed him a few miles from here. They took Dagny and stuffed her in a bag and tossed her into the river. One of my guys fished her out and I got her out of the bag, the others gunned down the raiders and I handed Dagny to him. Noticed he was bleeding from the back of his head so I brought him here. Ginger and Genevieve are old friends. They stitched him up, gave him some pain killers, offered him some dinner and a bed for the night but he declined and left after thanking the girls for helping him.”

“How come a group of raiders,” Loke’s tone was coated in poison as he said the word, “decided to help someone getting jumped by other raiders?”

“We’re not all one big, happy fuckin’ family. For the most part we tend to look down on Commonwealth and Wasteland raiders. Nuka World raiders tend to think highly of themselves. Truth is we normally don’t give a fuck what other raiders do but we were after that specific group and Jelani just so happened to have been jumped by them at that exact moment. And lemme answer your next question before you ask it, we saved Dagny ‘cause the gang kinda has a thing for animals.”

Loke chuckled and poured some more moonshine into the two glasses, then proceeded to take out a new pack of cigarettes and placed one in his mouth and lit it. He then offered Angelus one as he said, “A thing for animals, huh?”

“Not that kind of thing, asshole.” He quickly regretted calling him an asshole but as he reached for a cigarette he noticed Loke’s demeanor hadn’t changed so he guessed he wasn’t mad at the insult.

“So how long has this…” Loke waved his hand gesturing towards Angelus and Jelani’s relationship after he handed Angelus his lighter, “been going on?”

“About four months.”

“Okay.” Loke simply answered as he poured another shot of moonshine into both glasses and took a swig from it and then took another puff from the cigarette.

“Lemme ask you something. Would we be having this conversation if I was say…with the Minutemen? Some half delusional hack working with the Railroad or working a farm from dawn till dusk like a good boy?”

“Oh, we most definitely would. Doubt I’d be this bitchy though.”

“My being a raider never bothered him and him being a contract killer never bothered me. Long as he’s happy it shouldn’t matter to you what I do. Either way I decided that I’d rather be here taking up guard duty or looking at vegetables all day just to be with him. I didn’t want him around that crowd anyway.”

For all intents and purposes Angelus was practically out of the gang, he just hadn’t told Jelani yet. As time went on he had more ties with the Commonwealth residents than with his gang at Nuka World. In fact, when Gage’s little plan to replace Colter backfired he’d just about given up being a raider, it was only Jelani’s enthusiasm to rebuild the gangs and take back the park that ignited his desire to stay. However, Angelus was fully aware of the contingency plan Jelani had in place in case Nuka World ever decided to target the Commonwealth, he even helped piece it together and was there when the plans and documents were handed over to Preston Garvey himself with the strict warning that if Garvey acted against Nuka World without provocation Jelani would unleash all of Nuka World and all allies against the Commonwealth. At the end of the day Angelus’s loyalties lied with the mercenary he fell in love with, not a gang or a settlement.

“There’s another matter we need to discuss,” Loke threw his head back as he took yet another swig from the moonshine, “about Jelani and you.”

“He told me what happened.” Angelus had anticipated that Jelani’s assault would be discussed, he knew Loke would bring it up. However, he knew he had to navigate the subject carefully as he knew Jelani hadn’t told his father about anything he’d gone through while he was in Boston. He didn’t want to give out too many details as he felt the only one that could do that was Jelani himself. “He was…very…detailed about it.”

Loke remained quiet for a moment. The subject matter was uncomfortable for a lot of reasons not to mention the fact that he still felt guilty for letting it happen; for failing to protect Jelani especially from something so gruesome. Loke tried to get him to talk about the assault but Jelani hadn’t been prepared to do that, at least he found some solace in the fact that he spoke about it to someone he seemed to trust and Loke was thankful for it.

“So you know what happened to him.” Loke started as he grabbed the jug, poured himself some of the moonshine and then poured some in Angelus’s glass. “Personally, I think him having a boyfriend right now is a bad idea. I don’t think he’s fully healed from that shit, as you clearly saw.”

“Everything we do is consensual, in fact, I make damn sure he’s absolutely comfortable with anything because I don’t want him to feel like he’s being forced to do anything. Sometimes that happens.” Angelus pointed in the direction of the dock where he last saw Jelani. “And sometimes it doesn’t. If he needs me to stop I stop, I don’t question it and I don’t try to get him to continue. I care more about his well being than about getting my dick sucked. Maybe it’ll get better, maybe it won’t. Maybe he’ll be like that for the rest of his life, I don’t know, you don’t know. But you gotta trust him to be able to make his own choices. I know he’s your kid–”

“Yeah, you’re right. That’s my kid and until I’m cold and dead in the ground I’ll do whatever it takes to protect him from everything. I failed him once but that was the first and last time.”

“No, you didn’t fail him but you will if you keep shielding him from everything. He’s not healed yet but neither are you. Personally, I think you two should sit down and talk. Just trust him, be there for him and help him and protect him but trust him as well. Do I wanna be with him? More than anything but if I felt that my being with him would be detrimental to him I’d leave as much as it would hurt. He’s got two crazy fierce dads looking after him but he also has an unhinged bitch of a boyfriend–all he has to do is point at whatever so much as looked at him wrong and I’ll hand its organs to him on a silver platter.”

Loke couldn’t help but laugh, not in a mocking way though. He appreciated Angelus’s raw honesty and passion. Not so much him telling him he’d fail Jelani if he kept trying to shield him but he wasn’t about to get into that argument. As a parent it was easy to lose sight of the difference between protecting and sheltering and he’s fully aware he’d blurred that line once or twice but never in his thirty-two years of life did he ever think Jelani was not capable, even after the events that took place almost a year ago, he knows Jelani is far more capable than he ever was or could ever hope to be. He trusts that he’s capable of being able to face down anything out there and come out on top but that doesn’t erase the fact that for all intents and purposes he’s still his son and he’ll do anything to protect him. He had to admit, even if he didn’t want to, that Angelus was right. He had to trust that Jelani was capable of making his own choices despite his trauma and anything else that was affecting him. Loke had to realize that maybe him thinking that Jelani having a boyfriend was not a good idea at the moment was in actuality not what Jelani wanted. Maybe Jelani wanted to feel normal and put the assault behind him and a partner was a way for him to do so, maybe he didn’t want the assault to stop him from enjoying things other people got to enjoy. There were a lot of factors to weigh in and Angelus was right, Loke had to trust Jelani to make those choices himself if he ever hoped to heal.

Loke reached for another cigarette and handed one to Angelus who happily took it. As Loke inhaled the savory smoke and let it fill his lungs he felt his hostility towards the raider lessen. He still didn’t enjoy the fact that he was a raider but every answer he gave him actually satisfied his worries about him.

“Do you love him?”

“Oh.” Angelus was caught off guard by the question. “I guess so.”

“No, this isn’t a guess. I didn’t ask you if you liked Nuka-Cola. Do you love him?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Then I won’t get in your way.”

Angelus’s face shun as a large smile formed on his face. This was the outcome he was hoping for but he didn’t actually expect it though he was glad Loke was alright with him being with his son. It certainly wouldn’t have stopped him if Loke told him no but at least he wouldn’t have to sneak around just to see his boyfriend. Without thinking Angelus lunged forward and gave Loke a tight hug.

“But,” Loke said as he pulled Angelus off him, “if you hurt ‘im I will fuck you up in ways you never thought were possible followed by a hell you don’t even wanna know. Whatever’s left of you I hand over to my fiancé to do with whatever he wants and I promise you, it’ll be uglier than anything I could do.”

While still smiling, Angelus hugged Loke again and in a cheerful voice said, “I’ll let that slide just this once because I know you mean well.”

“All right,” Loke chuckled as he put out the cigarette, put away the jug and cleaned up the bar, “You should get some sleep, I’ll check in on Jela and see if he wants to talk.”

“‘Night.”

“God natt.”

Loke made his way outside and quietly closed the door behind him. The night had grown colder so he closed his jacket and looked up to see the sky covered in thick clouds. He figured it might rain so staying outside might not be the best idea. He looked to the right side and saw the storage building and thought that he and Jelani could stay there and talk if he wanted to. Loke took a step forward but stopped when he noticed his fiancé walking down to the end of the dock where Jelani was still sitting. He did want to check in on him but seeing as how Uthorim was making his way to him Loke decided to sit back and wait. He took out his pack of cigarettes and sat on one of the benches that lined up alongside the main building. He lit a cigarette as he watched his soon to be husband and his son while smiling.

“Hey.” Uthorim cooed as he gently tapped Jelani’s shoulder with a warm sweet smelling tea.

Jelani looked up and saw Uthorim holding out the cup for him with one hand and holding another cup with his other hand. He gave him a weak smile, grabbed the cup and thanked him for it. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Uthorim at the moment, it was that he didn’t want him to see him in his current state. However, part of him wanted nothing more than to talk to him, to get his perspective on several things though he wasn’t sure of how to bring it up or even if dumping that burden on him was even fair. Regardless he took a long sip from the tea.

“Mind if I sit?”

“Nei, go ahead.”

Uthorim sat next to Jelani and drank from the bottle while looking out at the view in front of them. The river was calm and quiet, not a single ripple broke the perfectly still water that reflected the clouds on the surface. There was a thin, and possibly radioactive, fog blanketing the shore of the river, the leaves on the trees all around them were swaying back and forth as the cold wind blew through the branches creating a lovely little harmony against the silence of the night. Further in the distance a thick fog covered the hills and mountains and the echo of thunder could be heard faintly. Uthorim took in the beauty of it all as he inhaled and momentarily closed his eyes as if he was trying to take a snapshot of the scenery before him.

When he opened his eyes he looked to his left and saw Jelani holding the bottle he’d given him and looking across the river as well. He enjoyed the fact that he could just sit down next to Jelani and be in each other’s company in total silence. He recalled many nights back in New Vegas where both of them would sit and watch the lights of The Strip flicker in the distance while eating dinner, drinking or indulging in sweets. Sometimes they’d spend hours without saying a single word and yet the bond they shared grew stronger. Uthorim enjoyed those nights and he looked forward to sharing many more like it but tonight was different. He’d purposely joined Jelani to check in on him. He knew something had upset him and he wanted to see if he could ease some of the inner turmoil he had or at the very least let him know he could talk to him in case he needed someone to just listen. Ever since he and Loke became romantically involved he and Jelani hit it off almost instantly and Uthorim found that Jelani often sought him out for advice or just to talk, somehow they could easily talk to each other and Uthorim appreciated that but what Uthorim didn’t know was that Jelani appreciated it far more than he could ever imagine. Sometimes talking to one’s parents wasn’t easy, even if they were as patient, loving and receptive as Loke was, there were still some things that were not so easy to discuss.

“We haven’t spoken much since your dad and I got here three weeks ago.”

“Ain’t got much to say, I guess.”

“You know, I’ve always appreciated that you and I could sit in absolute silence for hours. Physically we weren’t saying anything but I like to think that our spirits were somehow talking about anything and everything. From the most profound and thought provoking topics to the most idiotic shit you could think of. But I also appreciate that we could spend hours talking too, and we could talk about anything. From things happening in the world around us to how to hide from your dad whatever nonsense you, your boyfriend and your friends did.”

“Some stuff is just easier to talk to with you. You see and feel things differently, less neurotic and inwardly explosive if that makes sense.” Jelani said as he drank from the tea and continued looking across the river, focusing on a family of radstags that had shown up to the river to get a drink of water. He was purposely avoiding making eye contact with Uthorim because he knew the second that he’d look at him he would start to cry and he was tired of crying, it physically, mentally and emotionally drained him to have to resort to crying as much as he did.

“Yeah, it makes sense.”

Jelani swallowed hard as he felt the back of his eyes start to burn with that all too familiar sting. “Did Dad tell you what happened?”

The question itself was vague in nature but Uthorim perfectly understood what Jelani was asking him. He’d been preparing himself for this conversation, he’d come up with different ways to approach the delicate subject matter and to find ways to comfort him without flying into a rage should Jelani choose to talk to him about the attack. He had to be honest with himself, when Loke told him what happened to Jelani he wanted nothing more than to track down each of the monsters that had hurt him and put them through a hell so horrible that it would make life in the Wasteland look like a dream. Like Loke he wanted to be able to take back what had been done to him, he wanted to somehow turn back time and stop it from happening but the reality was that it did happen and while it would’ve been satisfying to kill the remaining seven assailants there was no way to track them down. What mattered the most right now was to make sure that Jelani would be able to heal past it and be there for him.

“He did. Sweetheart, I am so sorry that happened to you.”

“If I tell you something and I choose not to tell Dad will you keep it to yourself?”

“Of course.”

“After it…happened I just–I just…I don’t know, I didn’t feel right and all I wanted to do was sleep so after the doctor looked over me and after a hundred stitches I just went to sleep. At one point I woke up and Dad was sleeping next to me or at least I thought he was asleep. He wasn’t. He was crying so much he was gasping for air and in between his sobbing he was saying “I’m sorry” over and over and over…”

Jelani went silent as he recalled that memory. He was well aware that Loke blamed himself for what happened to him but what no one else knew, not even Angelus, was that he felt guilty for putting Loke through such an ordeal. It was irrational, he was aware of that, but Jelani felt that if he hadn’t provoked their ire they wouldn’t have returned to the camp and done what they did and Loke wouldn’t be torn by guilt. The sound of his crying still haunted him.

“I hate that he found me like that,” Jelani continued, “I think I hate it more than having been…you know. If they wanted to hurt me, fine, but Dad finding out it happened just feels worse and seeing what it did to him just feels so rancid to me. Just wish I would’ve been able to walk out of that basement myself that way he never would’ve found out what happened.”

“Jela, keeping something like that to yourself would’ve destroyed you.”

“Who says it didn’t? I thought I’d be able to get over it but a week after it happened I went to sleep and I woke up from a nightmare. Was pretty graphic and horribly detailed. I tried going back to sleep but it just continued. When I woke up I felt numb and weird all over, like I was in pain but I wasn’t. Then after that night I had a nightmare every single night. Then two weeks passed and I still had nightmares, didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do that day I just had nightmares and as time went on they got worse, it got to a point where I didn’t wanna fall asleep, I’d just lie there and stay awake. The less I slept the worse I felt but if I fell asleep the nightmares would just fuck me up so one morning before anyone else woke up I took a–” Jelani shuddered as he inhaled. He hadn’t noticed until that moment that he’d been crying but by then he didn’t care, not really. It was difficult to talk about what he wanted to. “I grabbed a bottle of Mentats from the doctor’s tent and swallowed the whole thing.”

“Doctor found me and she told me that she wouldn’t tell Dad what happened but I needed to. How the fuck was I supposed to look my dad in the eye and tell him I tried to kill myself because I kept having nightmares? Do you have any idea how fucking stupid that sounds?”

“It doesn’t sound stupid, not at all. What were the nightmares about?” There was no need for Jelani to elaborate on the type of nightmares he was having, he knew all too well what kind of nightmares had plagued and disturbed him, the timing between their beginning and the attack made perfect sense. He merely asked because he wanted Jelani to tell him himself, so he could have the chance to finally tell someone and dig it out of his chest.

“About that night, sometimes it was just after it happened and Dad never showed up and I’m just there dying or something. They got worse after that day I thought he died. A lot of times I can see him falling while I’m being–tch, can’t even say it without wanting to throw up.”

“It’s okay, hon.” Uthorim encouraged him, despite it being difficult to hear he wanted to be as supportive as he possibly could. He wasn’t exactly sure what to say at the moment but he wanted to hear him out first.

“Shit just got worse after I thought he died. I keep getting flashbacks of the attack and they feel so real, like it’s happening again and sometimes I can’t really tell if it’s really happening or if I’m just remembering it. I literally freeze when it happens and sometimes it takes me a while to realize it ain't actually happening. I still get nightmares, still get flashbacks and intrusive thoughts and still can’t stand it when strangers touch me. It’s like needles and a bad burning sensation flares up wherever someone touches me. At least it happens when it’s someone I don’t know or trust.”

“Yeah, it’s normal for that to happen after such a traumatic event. All of these things will go away as time passes. There’ll be setbacks, there’ll be days when it’ll feel like you’ve made no progress but you’ll get there, you’ll see. And you’re not alone in this, we’re here for you no matter what, anything you need you just let us know, okay?”

Jelani nodded as Uthorim wiped his tears away and lifted his face so he could see his face. Uthorim gave him a warm smile. It was painful to see him like that, he still remembered what he looked like when he first met him. An energetic and happy mischievous kid who followed him around everywhere he went when his father wasn’t around. A little fourteen-year-old who always ran up to him whenever he saw him. A far contrast to the eighteen-year-old sitting next to him and his heart sank knowing that he’d been attacked and felt so trapped by the memories of it that he felt he couldn’t even talk to his own dad about it and was having trouble talking to him about it. Him who he always ran to for advice and help whenever he felt he’d get into trouble and didn’t want to alarm Loke.

“I didn’t just try to kill myself once.” Jelani stuttered almost breathlessly. “Tried to kill myself three more times.”

Uthorim set his cup down, grabbed Jelani's and set it down and wrapped his arms around him embracing him in a tight hug.

“I couldn't stand the guilt.” Jelani gasped as he returned the hug and squeezed as hard as he could. Part of him was glad to finally be able to talk to Uthorim again but part of him was being eaten alive by that same guilt that drove him to try to take his own life. Everyone in his life had been exposed to the ugliness in his head and he felt it was unfair to them but at the same time he needed to let it out because he felt that if he kept it inside it would kill him. “I thought I killed Dad and I knew he felt guilty about what happened but it wasn't his fault–”

“There is nothing for you to feel guilty about, all right? Nothing. What was done to you was not your fault. You have no control over how people feel. You certainly did not kill your dad. Any father worth a damn would gladly give his life for his kids and that's what Loke did. He loves you so much that he would rather drown than let anything happen to you. I promise the nightmares will stop, the memories will be replaced by better ones, those voices in your head are wrong and they’ll go away. I promise you it’ll get better, you won't always feel like this. It’ll take time and work, there’ll be days when you feel better and days when you won't but it's okay. You’ve got me, Loke and Angelus and anytime you need to talk I’ll be right there to listen. Your dad too. He can handle a lot more than you think, sweetheart.”

“Okay.” Jelani shuddered as he fought back his tears. He read between the lines and weighed his options and while it scared him he trusted Uthorim, probably the most of all the people he currently knew, to never steer him wrong. He quietly watched as Uthorim stood up and picked up the cups they drank tea out of.

“Oh!” Uthorim said as he turned to look at Jelani. “And you have got to start eating again. I know you only take a few bites and give the rest to your boyfriend, Tea Leaf. Start slow, at least finish one whole meal a day. Promise?”

“Promise.” Jelani smiled meekly at Uthorim. It caught him off guard, there wasn’t much that made him genuinely smile nowadays but it came almost naturally to him at that moment. It was a small yet pleasant surprise to catch himself smiling. Uthorim smiled back at him but as soon as he turned to most likely get some sleep Jelani stood up and hugged him as soon as he caught up to him.

“Thanks, Dad.”

Uthorim smiled and returned the hug. He looked over at the main building and saw his soon to be husband sitting on a bench next to the building and smiling. Seeing his family back together brought Uthorim a type of joy that he couldn’t fully describe. He looked up at the window to the boys’s room and saw Angelus casually sticking his head out the window and smiling as he put out a cigarette on the wall. Uthorim still hadn’t had a chance to sit down and talk with him yet but he was glad to see Jelani had found someone just as protective as he and Loke were of him. They shared a smile before the ex-raider returned to his and Jelani’s room. Uthorim then walked over to Loke, whispered something in his ear, kissed him and walked back into the building. He had a feeling he’d be sleeping alone tonight but for once it was a good thing and if all went well his betrothed and his son would have finally sat down to talk.

As Loke watched Uthorim make his way to the second floor Jelani sat next to him, he was somewhat stiff and seemed anxious but he smiled at him and asked, “How long you been watching?”

He knew Loke had watched him and Uthorim talking and by the calm look on his face he was sure he hadn’t heard anything that was said between them which was a bit of a relief.

“Since February 3, 2272.” Loke gave him a sly smile.

“You know what I mean.”

“Long enough, min skatt.”

“Kan vi snakke?” Jelani didn’t beat around the bush, he took Uthorim’s advice to heart and wanted to talk to his dad and finally let it all out. Well, almost all out. He was determined to talk but there was some information he was not going to divulge no matter how much Loke would ask. There were some truths that were better off buried deep within him for both of their sakes and sanity.

“Ja, selvfølgelig. Come on.”

For the sake of privacy both of them got up and headed for the makeshift tent placed on the rocks overlooking the river. It was usually occupied during the afternoons when the guards gathered and spent a while relaxing before or after their shifts. Loke knew it would be empty at that time so he thought it’d be a better place to talk than to stay on the bench which was close to the building where people were sleeping at that time, not to mention the subject matter would be a sensitive one and not for anyone else to hear. They sat between the tent and the fire. Neither of them said anything though the tension was building, Loke wanted so desperately to say something but he thought it was a better idea to let Jelani have the first word as he thought that if he said what he wanted to say it would derail the conversation and make it about him which he wasn’t looking to do. He wanted Jelani to express himself as freely as he wanted to. Loke reached for his pack of cigarettes and took one out and offered one to Jelani who, without hesitation, took one and quickly lit it. He then placed the pack between him and Jelani and waited, he’d wait all night if he had to.

“No one knows this.” Jelani began as he exhaled the smoke from his lungs. “Not Uth, not Angelus, no one. When we first joined the caravan and we stopped that night to sleep I couldn’t sleep so I just got up and went to smoke a few feet from the sleeping area. Couple of minutes later Chris sits next to me and asks to bum a cigarette off me. He did not hesitate. He asked me how old I was and I didn’t think nothing of it so I told him I was seventeen. The look on his face–that creepy as shit smile that formed literally made me sick. I don’t know, there was something about the way he smiled that creeped the fuck out of me. Shoulda gotten up and left but I didn’t. He then asked me if I was with anyone. I said I wasn’t anymore. Smile gets wider and creepier. Now it’s getting really uncomfortable so I put my cigarette out and get up to leave but he grabs my hand and pulls me back down and tells me to sit down, that we’re just talking.”

Jelani took a long drag from the cigarette and held it in for a few seconds before exhaling through his nose as he recalled the events. “I was this close to calling you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I have no idea why–well…honestly? Think I was kind of afraid. So I’m just sitting there and he keeps asking questions, typical small talk at first but then he asks if I was into boys or girls or both. I didn't answer, I just stayed quiet. Then he asked if I’d been fucked yet. Didn’t answer but I got up to leave and he grabbed me so I pushed him off but then he grabbed me, pulled me close to him and started feeling up under my shirt. I freaked out and I tried to pull away but he didn’t let go, he got closer and rubbed himself on me and said that one way or another he was gonna get what he wanted while he grabbed some of my hair and sniffed it. He finally let go so I left.” As Jelani recalled that memory he looked disgusted and angry. He completely avoided looking at Loke but his expression was turning angrier until suddenly he furrowed his brow and as his eyes turned from side to side as if searching his memories he let out a shaky shudder.

Loke on the other hand was beyond angry, not at Jelani, but at the fact that something like that happened when he was asleep a few feet away. Ever since Jelani was a toddler and he lost both parents he had a hard time falling and staying asleep. Any little sound would wake him up, sometimes he wouldn’t exactly sleep through the night, he’d take three or four hour naps, wake up, check up on Jelani or Uthorim and just sit and watch the time pass until he fell back asleep for another three or four hours. Why didn’t he wake up when Jelani needed him is something that’ll haunt him for the rest of his life. Loke also had a few questions but he wanted to tread carefully around them so as to not upset him anymore than he already was. He swallowed hard and turned to look at Jelani who was avoiding eye contact with him. He almost collapsed right then and there. Jelani had the exact same look on his face from when he was a little boy and knew he was in trouble for disobeying or doing something he shouldn’t have done and it broke Loke’s heart into a million pieces.

“Why were you afraid to tell me what happened?”

The answer was simple: Loke’s temper. For as long as he could remember Loke was jealously overprotective of Jelani. If anyone or anything wronged him Loke would go into an almost feral state, shoot first and maybe ask questions later. When Iain shot and almost killed Jelani he thought he’d arm himself to the teeth and set fire to the NCR in the area until he would find her and slowly kill her. However, he was pleasantly surprised to hear that Loke had shown some restraint and had gone to the NCR and although he demanded they do something about Iain in a less than calm manner he was at least glad he didn’t take things into his own hands. The truth was that he was planning something that entire time but it had backfired when Iain went into hiding among NCR outposts. It was only by pure happenstance that they’d run into her that time and Loke took his chance to pay her back for what she did to Jelani. Despite Jelani asking him to let it go, Loke still let his anger and overprotectiveness get the better of him and he killed her. Jelani never has and never will blame Loke for being the reason they had to run from New Vegas but part of him wished Loke hadn’t killed Iain. He could only imagine what would’ve happened if Jelani had told Loke what happened that night with Chris. He was well aware that it would’ve been eight well armed, unhinged men against Loke and no matter how good he is with a gun he wouldn’t have survived and Jelani didn’t want to lose him. He remembered Loke’s question and for the sake of sparing Loke any more guilt he simply said, “I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Babe, you know you can always talk to me. You know that, right?”

“I know, Dad, I know and I do but the way he asked if I’d been fucked yet was just…I didn’t answer his question because he was creeping me out and honestly what I do with someone else is my business.”

“That’s very true.”

“But I hadn’t yet.”

Loke slightly tilted his head and tentatively said as a horrible realization dawned on him, “I thought you did. I mean, I always assumed you and AJ had.”

“I wanted to but I didn’t think I was ready then.” Jelani inhaled the last of his cigarette and put it out on the floor and tossed it as far from him as he could. He kept the smoke in his lungs as long as he could while he looked at the river below them. When he exhaled he shuddered at the words that were lingering on the tip of his tongue. He turned to look at Loke, tears were already forming on the corner of his eyes and with a shaky voice he said, “No, my first time was when I was gang raped by Chris and his crew.”

Without hesitating Loke tossed his cigarette, grabbed Jelani and hugged him as tight as he could. He felt like someone had punched him on his chest and all the air in his lungs had been forced out and he couldn’t catch his breath. He could feel his eyes burning as tears fell from them. He wrapped one arm around Jelani’s neck and tightly clasped the other on Jelani’s jacket and tried to stop himself from crying though he couldn’t help it. He gasped when he felt Jelani wrap his arms around him and rest his head on his shoulder.

“It was bad, it was really bad.” Jelani wept as he hid his face and tightly grasped Loke’s jacket while grinding his teeth together to avoid crying any louder than he already was. “It was worse when Chris had his turn. I wanted him to kill me but he didn’t.”

Loke felt a type of rage he’d never experienced before in his life. It was far more explosive than the rage he felt when Iain shot Jelani and even more than that morning when the caravan doctor listed all of the injuries he’d sustained during the assault. The fact that Jelani had wished Chris would’ve killed him made him so enraged that he was starting to tremble and cry but then he remembered what the caravan doctor had told him. She told him that if Jelani ever felt like telling him what had happened that night that he should keep his emotions in check so as to not derail the conversation or make Jelani uncomfortable. Loke’s only job in that moment was just to listen and try his best to console him as best he could though he was at a loss for words. What could he say to him that hadn’t already been said? There were no magic words that could make him instantly forget it happened, there was nothing Loke could say that could take back what had been done to Jelani, there were no words to help him ease the pain and hurt he was feeling. There was nothing he could do.

“Baby, I am so sorry.” It was all Loke could conjure in that moment. He wanted to say so much more but he didn’t want to derail the conversation and turn it about himself, this was for Jelani to let it all out and to get it out of his system. He was aware that he’d spoken to Angelus and he was more than sure he told Uthorim some things but the fact that Jelani himself asked to speak with him let him know he still had some things to say.

“Jeg er også lei meg.”

Shocked by what Jelani said Loke backed away to look at Jelani, his mouth hung slightly open and his expression was one of shock morphing into despair. Both of their teary eyes searched each other and as more tears fell down Loke’s cheeks he said, “What do you mean you’re sorry too? Sweetheart, none of this is your fault.”

“The sedative the doctor gave me wore off and when I woke up you were next to me and you were crying and saying you were sorry. I know you feel guilty about what happened and–”

“I do, I’m not gonna lie to you, that guilt has been eating me up inside since that morning and it’s gonna be in me until the day I die. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to protect you, my whole life I’ve made sure to keep you safe and I failed you in the worst way possible but I swear I will do everything I can to make sure I never fail you again.”

“Dad, you haven’t failed me. You never have. I’ve seen you starve yourself so that I wouldn’t. You made sure I had enough blankets so I could sleep comfortably while you froze at night. You went weeks sick as a dog because you saved up every stimpak in case I got sick. I was right there when some psycho pulled a gun on us and you put yourself in front of me and told that bitch to keep the gun on you and not me. So don’t tell me you failed me because you’ve never failed me. Not once in your life.”

“I’m sorry, hon…it’s just how I feel. You’re my son, I’ve been taking care of you since you were born and ever since I practically adopted you I promised Mom and Dad that I’d never let anything happen to you and it feels like I’ve failed you. No matter how much I try I feel like I haven’t done enough. I see how this shit’s affected you and I wish I could switch places with you just so you never have to know that kind of anguish or pain.”

“I wouldn’t wish this on anyone; I’m sorry it’s bleeding all over you, Dad.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Jela, nothing that has happened was your fault. I know everyone keeps telling you that but it’s true. Nothing that happened was your fault.”

“I almost got you killed.” Jelani whispered as he lowered his head and continued to cry.

“You didn’t. Jela?” Loke gently raised Jelani’s face by the chin so that he could look him in the eye. Seeing Jelani cry always made Loke cry, especially now that he was feeling guilty over things he had no control over. “There was no way you could’ve known there was a deathclaw there. For all we know the route I picked had a behemoth in it or worse. That wasn’t on you.”

“You could’ve died…”

“But I didn’t and honestly I wouldn’t change a thing. If I have to do it again or a hundred more times I will.”

“I can’t go through that again…it almost killed me…”

“You’re a lot stronger than you think you are, min skatt.”

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your own dad fall to his death because of a decision you made? To carry that guilt with you every single day? To wish that you had just let me die with you? To know you died feeling guilty over what happened to me? Part of why I haven’t talked to you about that night is because I know that if I tell you more than you already know it will make you feel worse. I can’t do that to you! It’s bad enough that you know it happened but if I give you details it’ll make that guilt worse and it’ll make mine worse. I’d rather be raped again than to do that to you! When I thought I lost you…it made all of that shit so much worse. I thought it was over that morning when I woke up back at the camp but it wasn’t. Not only did I have to live through the rape and the injuries but now I was having nightmares about it. I wanted to just forget it happened but every single fucking night I fell asleep and I had to relive it. When it wasn’t a nightmare I would just suddenly remember it and it would play again in my head and it sometimes feels so fucking real it’s like it’s happening again. After the deathclaw attack those sick memories and nightmares were accompanied by your death and it was like being attacked on every side. Sometimes I’d get up in the middle of the night from a nightmare of that night and I’d actually get up to look for you and it’d take me a while to remember that you weren’t there. I was all alone with only the memories of being raped and watching you fall to your death replaying in my head all day everyday! Ever since that night I’ve had this sick feeling inside and with time it got more and more painful and I looked for every possible way to kill it but everything I did was just a temporary relief. Alcohol, Calmex, Med-X? They only worked for a little bit. Then I realized that the sick and painful feeling was guilt. I hate it but I love it at the same time, I hate it because it hurts so much but that’s why I love it because I deserve it for killing you and for letting you find me beaten and raped in some fucking basement and making you carry that guilt when it wasn’t even your fault. Nothing helped shut out the voices, the memories, the thoughts, the pain or the guilt and…it got to me…more than once…”

Jelani was visibly shaking, his face was contorting into different emotions ranging from anger to unfathomable sadness and most of all guilt. His eyes had turned red and puffy from the crying, matching Loke’s own red and puffy eyes. He gasped and shuddered breathlessly as he rolled up the sleeves of his jacket while looking directly at Loke. He felt a mixture of emotions about what he was about to do. On the one hand he wasn’t sure how Loke would react to what he was about to see, on the other it made him panic as he never let anyone see him without either a jacket, coat or a long sleeved shirt. It didn’t matter if it was cold, warm or hot outside he didn’t let anyone see his arms, part of it was shame and the other was that it would often invite people to ask him about it and it was not something he liked to even acknowledge let alone explain to other people. When both sleeves were rolled up to his elbows he kept them close to his body as if unsure if he should do what he was about to do. He kept looking at Loke and that old guilt reared its ugly head again, he didn’t know if Loke would be angry, sad, disgusted or even if he would react at all. Part of him felt terrible about what he was about to do because there was a strong chance that he might feel even more guilt and that was not what Jelani wanted to do, he wanted to be honest with him, let him know how he felt and what had been going on with him for those long months they were apart. He sure as hell wasn’t going to go into detail about that night, he was dead set on it, but he knew Loke needed to be let in on something with him as a way to allow him to feel like he could fix it somehow. He figured what was causing Loke the guilt and the pain was not being able to help Jelani with what had happened that night, he wasn’t able to stop it from happening but at least he wanted to help him through it and in a way it would help him with his own guilt and shame.

It had to be done for both of them. Jelani slowly dropped his arms and let them hang with his inner forearms facing outwards. He clenched his jaw tightly to ground himself as best he could in anticipation of Loke's reaction.

Loke didn’t say anything, he just looked at his arms and tried his hardest to contain himself. There were dozens of scars across both arms, some were small while others were large, some appeared superficial but there were others that looked deep as if Jelani had pressed down as hard as he could with whatever he used to injure himself with. Loke kept staring at his arms, his face was hard to read but the more he stared the harder he was breathing. Loke felt like he couldn’t breathe, as if his lungs couldn’t expand enough to get the air he needed. He slowly lifted his left hand and gently gripped Jelani’s right arm by the back of his hand and pulled it closer to him to get a better look. With his other hand he gently traced over the scars on his arm with his fingers and when he reached his wrist he couldn’t help but cry and gasp. A large scar ran down his arm starting from his wrist to about half way up his forearm, the same type of scar was present on his other arm. Loke was gasping for air as tears ran down his face. He grabbed his other arm and with both thumbs slowly and carefully traced the scars on his wrists as he stared at them.

“That wasn’t the only time I tried to kill myself…” Jelani whispered as he kept his head down, he was unable to look Loke in the eye now that he saw and knew what he’d done to himself. He lifted his head but looked to the side and lowered the collar he had around his neck to reveal an older scar on his neck, specifically over the jugular. It wasn’t as deep as the ones on his wrists but it scared the living hell out of Loke regardless. His jaw quivered as he let out a whimper and lifted his trembling hand up to Jelani’s neck and softly caressed the scar.

“When I made it to Boston I was–I don’t know, I was–I put a gun to my head and I was about to pull the trigger but then I saw Dagny and I couldn’t abandon her. Some time later I had a melt down and I punched a mirror until my hand bled and I didn’t know what I was feeling, I think I was feeling everything and it was just overwhelming so I just fired into the wall in front of me but stopped when I was sure I had only one bullet left. I left Dagny in another room so she wouldn’t distract me and I put the gun to my head and this time I pulled the trigger but I guess I miscounted ‘cause the clip was empty. I just stood there pulling the trigger hoping it was a misfire and that it would eventually work but it was empty. The last time was when I was staying here with Angelus. He tried to keep me busy and distracted but it felt like the guilt was strangling me and I couldn’t breathe. No matter what I did I couldn’t stop feeling guilty. The nightmares, the voices, the memories, the…intrusive thoughts–none of it would stop. Got up in the middle of the night and just walked along the river till I was about a mile away from the settlement, cut open my wrists and just watched the sunrise. I didn’t wanna be here anymore, not without you–”

Loke lounged forward and wrapped both arms around Jelani and hugged him as tight and as hard as he could. He could no longer contain himself and broke down into almost hysterical sobbing. Every word out of Jelani’s mouth broke his heart in a way he never thought could be possible, never could he imagine that Jelani would ever feel so much pain that he would resort to suicide and the worst part was that he wasn’t there to help him or at the very least be there for him.

“I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me, min skatt, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.”

“No!” Loke sobbed. He pulled back and grabbed Jelani’s face with both hands and stared at him as tears ran down his face. “None of this is on you, hon, there’s no need to say you’re sorry. I did what I did because you’re my son and I love you and I never wanna see you get hurt. If I have to, I'll give my life for you. I don’t ever wanna leave you but if I have to for you to survive then I will. You shouldn’t feel guilty about that at all, alright?”

“And you don’t have to feel guilty about what happened to me. What I need is you here with me…” Jelani began to sob as he gently pressed his forehead against Loke’s and cried out, “I can’t do this alone!”

“You’re not alone, sweetheart.”

Loke hugged Jelani once more and both cried in each other’s arms. There was a lot of guilt between them and whether it was justified or not neither of them were sure of it anymore but at least they let each other know how the other felt. It hadn’t been easy hearing Jelani tell him about his suicide attempts and for a while, in his head, he kept thanking the universe over and over again that he managed to survive each time. Had he made it to Boston only to find out that his kid had died by his own hand, Loke wasn’t sure he’d be able to go on any farther, even with Uthorim by his side, he was sure the grief alone would kill him. He was also sure that the guilt he felt for not protecting Jelani from a group of predators and then leaving him by himself for months when he hadn’t had the chance to heal from the rape would leave him any time soon. In fact, he was sure he’d carry it with him for the rest of his life and while he regrets not protecting him he didn’t regret sacrificing himself so that Jelani could live. That was something he would never take back. He didn’t expect Jelani to understand or even accept it now or maybe even never but in his heart he knew he did what he had to do. Eventually both stopped crying as the night went on and sometime before dawn both fell asleep on each other, the tent was comfortable enough but the emotional and mental exhaustion had gotten to both of them and both slept out there, not wanting to leave each other’s side Loke sat against a tree for support while Jelani leaned on his side as Loke loosely draped his arms around him.

Around noon Uthorim quietly made his way up to the tent and found both of them asleep and snuggled together. He carefully made his way inside and looked at them for a few minutes, all the while a smile formed on his face while looking at both of them. He then carefully reached out and moved a few stray strands of hair out of Loke’s face and tucked them behind his ear. The slight movement caused Loke to open his eyes and as soon as he did he smiled when he saw Uthorim kneeling in front of him and smiling back at him.

“Hi.” Loke whispered.

“Hi.” Uthorim replied as he tilted his head. “You okay?”

“I will be.”

“What about him?”

Loke looked down and saw Jelani was still asleep in his arms. There was something comforting about seeing his chest rising and falling while he slept, especially after everything they talked about the night before.

“I don’t know but he’ll get there.”

“I take it you were both able to talk it out?”

“Not about that night but he told me everything else.”

“It was brave, doing what he did last night. Couldn’t have been easy for him.”

“Yeah, but he’s a lot stronger than he thinks he is. I think we’ve done a good job with him.”

“We have.”

Loke and Uthorim looked at each other softly and smiled. Uthorim reached out and held Loke’s hand while gently rubbing his thumb on his hand and just staring at each other lovingly. Of course, the moment didn’t last too long as Angelus quietly walked into the tent and was about to say something when he noticed Jelani was still asleep and it looked like he’d walked in on something a little intimate.

“Oh, sorry.” He whispered as he began to back away.

“It’s okay.” Loke said as he smiled. Jelani hadn’t confirmed it last night but Loke was more than sure that Angelus had had a hand in helping Jelani when he needed help the most. He made a mental note to ask him about it later but for now he’d earned his trust given that he practically saved Jelani’s life on more than one occasion.

“Uth and I made lunch, figured you boys were gonna be hungry after a long night. Can I?” He asked as he pointed at Jelani.

Loke nodded with a smile and Angelus slowly crawled over to Jelani. He sat close to him and very carefully placed a hand on Jelani’s head and with his fingers gently scratched the back of his head as he called out to him with a hum. It wasn’t long before Jelani began to slowly open his eyes and once he grounded himself he was surprised to see both Uthorim and Angelus staring and smiling at him. That much attention on him made him feel a little vulnerable and his first reaction was to lean closer to Loke who couldn’t help but giggle as he hugged him.

“Hi, sugar, you okay?” Angelus asked as he continued to scratch the back of his head.

Jelani looked up at him and nodded sheepishly. He then looked at Uthorim to acknowledge his presence as well.

“C’mon, Uth and I made lunch. And don’t say you’re not hungry, you’re too skinny to be saying you ain’t hungry.”

Angelus grabbed his hand and carefully pulled him up to stand. He was feeling out of sorts after such an emotionally charged night and was silent but Angelus knew how to navigate around him when he was in that state without forcing him to “come out of his shell”. He’d let him come around when he was ready and not a moment sooner. He did however want him to eat something as he was prone to starving himself when he wasn’t doing too good. Angelus led him out of the tent but before he was out of sight he turned to look at Loke who in turn looked at him and said, “Love you.”

“Love you too.” Jelani said in a whisper and then let Angelus lead him to the main building as he held his hand.

Uthorim smiled and reached out to Loke with both hands. In turn he smiled up at him and grabbed both hands and with Uthorim’s help he stood up. Loke hugged him and both stayed still and embraced each other for a few minutes. Something about Uthorim always made Loke feel safe and secure but also confident and energized, this time was no different. After a few minutes they looked at each other, smiled and walked out of the tent while holding hands to catch up with the boys and have lunch together and for the first time in months there was less pressure in the air and a little bit of comfort.

#001022 #Oracle Corp AU: Fallout #Fallout #fo: Jelani tag #fo: Angelus tag #fo: Loke tag #Uthorim #friend's oc #Fallout oc

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