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desultory-novice · 1 year

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As fun as The Angst(tm) is, I really hope the Dead People Gang aren't just, like. Trapped in Turbohell Kirbohell forever. For some reason, my thoughts instantly went to Void Termina - Since Void Termina is implied to be reincarnated as a good guy after their defeat as Void, I thought it would be interesting if they got a glimpse of everyone hanging out in the afterlife between the "blowing up" part and coming back as not-as-evil. Plus, now I've got a really funny mental image of that coming up in casual conversation Kirby/Meta/Dedede/some other protagonist and Kirby finding out and deciding "sounds like more potential friends! time to go to hell" to try and (somehow) save them

My own brain was putting a Charlie & the Chocolate Factory style spin on it. They CAN all come back, just...

Sectonia: ...once the Dream Stalk goes to seed

Max: ...once his brain is finished defragging (...or see Seto Kaiba in the manga version of Yugioh)

Magolor: ...when someone succeeds in breaking the crown

Marx: ..."User 'Marx' can rejoin the game in 87,600 hours"

Links to the rest of the mini-series:

Part 1″A Beautiful Sunset” Part 2 “The Sun Never Sets” Part 3 “Screams of Joy” Part 4 “Visitors” Part 5 “A Perfect Circle”

Relevant: “Conditional” [You Are Here]

That said, your bit at the end about "Let's go to hell and rescue everyone!" is partially why I followed this story to its current, silly (?) conclusion! I know it's sounded / looked / been depressing, especially for poor, poor, poor Magolor, but I meant what I said in the tags about drawing this helping me get over some of my own True Arena-induced trauma......

(continued below)

<PS: To the Anon who asked about the Void beach pic? Your answer is here too! Sorry to make you go through all this to find it!!>

...Ahem!

I -liked- the idea of Mags and Marx having come back from their Soul experiences and have used it as fuel, but it honestly bugged me that they seemed to survive when Sectonia and Marx were still MiA...from the same thing? (I get that Max's brain is DELETED but what about his body? I always imagined that even though Star Dream blew up, the "pilot's seat" so to speak was preserved. But...

Basically, even if I could come up with reasons why the other two "didn't" survive, I could never come up with a reason why Magolor and Marx DID outside of "popular characters." ...Not to be too hypocritical, as I'm a dedicated fan of said "popular characters")

But there being a version of Magolor Soul who doesn't "get better" weirdly makes me feel quite a bit better about the other Soul victims. Because... maybe we could be building up to something with them? Maybe there IS a chance for them to come back now, or be saved, like you said. If they're all kinda in the same way...??

(Heck, I probably would have added Galacta as a visitor to the superhell-theme park if I had ANY experience with drawing them.)

Speaking of "the same way" the reason I'd always assumed Marx followed the pre-remake Mago path because they were both in Star Allies, but if there's a version of Magolor who isn't saved, I've started to think that True Arena Marx Soul (:cough: the only form of Marx Soul :cough:) wasn't saved either. Which is both very sad but also, gives me the same sense of hope/unity as the above!

I had a legit "...aww, darn...!" moment last night as I was finishing this up when I realized Fecty's soul was safely under Efly's care and they wouldn't be able to join the theme park enjoyers... Of course, the very idea of an Attraction to delight and amaze would probably trigger Fecty's trauma, putting them in a worse state than Magolor.

Void's also not available to go to the park, sadly.

Speaking of...!

Here you go, anon!

#Magoland Branch AU #Kirby #Magolor #Marx Kirby #Queen Sectonia #President Haltmann #Void Termina #Hyness #Mage Sisters #RtDL DX spoilers #Soul lore getting more fascinating for me #Dess Text Post #Sorry for anyone I depress by working through my Kirby angst #I hope the hope spot has helped anyone still sad about this

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lythea-creation · 2 years

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My True Self - Noaf x fem reader (Chapter 2)

Previous Chapter

warnings: bullying, homophobia

word count: 2.156

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“Why didn't you tell me you were so close to Mariam?”, mom asked me on the drive back home.

“Because we aren't close”, I grumbled.

“You don't have to be afraid to admit the kiss in front of me. I won't judge you, okay?”, she reassured me softly.

“Thanks, mom. But I really didn't kiss her. Can we please just drop the topic?”, I pleaded her.

“Fine”, she agreed with a sigh although I was sure that she still had plenty questions.

On the next day at school the atmosphere was depressing.

Mariam and Layan were obviously both absent.

Ruqayyah and Rania were sending me death glares and everyone else pretended that nothing had happened, except Noaf of course.

During the break she joined me outside on a bench.

A heavy silence settled between us as we both did not dare to start a conversation for a while.

“Aren't you going to eat something?”, Noaf asked half-way through her meal.

“I'm not really hungry”, I mumbled.

“(f/n) ... I'm sorry, okay?”, she proclaimed.

I stayed silent as I did not know what to say.

“The kiss between Mariam and you ...”

I interrupted her: “... was a lie. I've probably been talking more to you than to Mariam.”

“You know … I wouldn't judge you if ...”

“Nothing ever happened between Mariam and me”, I interrupted her once again. “But everyone is going to believe that now. I'm the desperate girl who's in love with a psycho and my feelings aren't even reciprocated! Don't get me wrong! I'm not embarrassed because of Mariam or anything. I just hate that everyone believes Layan's lies”, I enlightened her. “And you should stay away from me as well. Otherwise the next rumor is going to spread and you don't wanna be part of that” I advised her.

“You did exactly what I wanted to do. But I didn't because I didn't have the courage to. That I stayed silent was wrong. It would be even worse to avoid you now because of some stupid rumors”, Noaf clarified.

I granted myself a moment to let her words sink in before responding: “Are you sure? If you just want to play the nice girl now, please spare me. I can't stand any more lies and empty words.”

“I'm sure. Back at my old school I usually got into trouble for standing up for others. That's who I truly wanna be”, she declared with a soft smile.

“Alright then”, I agreed and offered her a smile.

At least the situation also had a bright side now. Without the brutal incident Noaf and I would not have started spending all breaks together and helping each other out with school stuff.

But I got reminded of my actions when Layan returned to school. Together with Rania and Ruqayyah she quickly spread more rumors about me and I got some great nicknames like 'lesbo maniac' and 'desperate bitch'.

“They dunno what they're talking about. Their words don't have any meaning. They're just lying”, Noaf intended to comfort me as we were sitting under a tree during break.

“I can't ...”

“I know it's hard, but you have to remind yourself that they're only gossiping.”

“But they aren't, Noaf”, I confessed. “I didn't kiss Mariam, but I do like girls”, I added quietly to make sure no one else would hear me.

“Oh”, she responded.

“Their comments hurt, but it's bad enough that I have to justify myself for my sexuality”, I ranted.

Noaf apparently did not know what to reply as she stayed silent. I could not blame her. The situation was hopeless.

“Let's head back to class”, I suggested as the break would be over soon.

When we entered the building and turned around the corner toward our classroom I was suddenly pushed against the wall by none other than Layan.

“What the hell? Let her go”, Noaf interfered but Ruqayyah and Rania were holding her in their grasp.

Where were the teachers now? The security cameras? One should think that the school would take better care after everything that had happened to Mariam, but actually nothing had changed.

“The nicknames are just the beginning. You're gonna regret trying to sell me out”, Layan threatened me quietly.

“I didn't try to sell you out. I just told the truth. How about you stop doing things that make you scared of the truth”, I shot back.

“Oh. Apparently you have no clue who you're talking to. Don't worry. I'll make sure to put you back in place”, she hummed before letting go and disappearing inside our classroom.

“Hey, are you okay?”, Noaf worried.

For a moment I was overwhelmed by fear.

Noaf got me back to reality by gently placing her hand on my shoulder.

“Thanks”, I mumbled.

I did not dare to meet her eyes. I felt ashamed for not being able to stand up for myself.

The ringing of the school bell saved me. At least during class the almighty trio did not try anything.

But I had not thought about P.E. at the end of the day.

I considered changing clothes inside the restroom but quickly discarded the option. That way I would show everyone that they were acting right. Why should I leave the changing room just because I liked girls? It was not like I was harming anyone. I was not even looking at anyone. Instead they were eyeing me in a strange way. Like I was going to harass them any minute. It was ridiculous.

A few days ago I would have never imagined my school life to turn out this way.

Although I had always worried about the others treating me weirdly I had never considered it to actually become reality. And I would have never bet that Noaf out of all people would be the person accepting and supporting me.

Nothing happened during the lesson. But when I returned to the changing room I noticed that my uniform was missing.

I suppressed an annoyed growl. It would only satisfy Layan to see my frustration.

“Layan stole my uniform”, I informed Noaf quietly.

“Seriously? I could get you a new one if you want to”, she offered.

“That would be great. Even if I got Layan to return my uniform who knows what state it would be in”, I considered.

Noaf nodded, hurried to get dressed in her own uniform again and set off to get me a new one.

“What are you waiting for?”, Layan asked me when everyone but Rania, Ruqayyah and her had already left.

I straight on ignored her which apparently made her mad as she grabbed my chin.

Out of reflex I slapped her hand away.

“What the hell? Did you just see how she slapped me?”, Layan exclaimed shocked.

“Drop the act, Layan. No one is here to get fooled”, I reminded her.

“You're right. We're all alone”, she recalled and leaned down on eye level as I was sitting on the bench.

Her face was way too close to mine and I needed to suppress the urge to flee. It would only make her feel more superior.

“Back off!” Noaf's voice joined the scene, but Rania was stopping her from getting to me.

“You never denied that you're into girls, just that you kissed Mariam. Does it turn you on that I'm so close?”, Layan mocked me with a seductive voice.

“I like girls, not some little children with superiority complexes”, I shot back with a grin.

Sometimes I was surprised by myself. The words had left my lips before they had crossed my mind.

Layan's expression became dark. She went over to my backpack and ripped the pages out of my notebook.

I heard how she flushed them down the toilet while Ruqayyah was holding me back.

Then Layan threw the rest of my stuff through the room, even opened my pencil case to make a real mess.

Ruqayyah flung me against the locker and when her and Layan had left, Rania finally let go of Noaf and followed her friends.

Noaf placed the new uniform on the bench and started picking up my stuff.

I was frozen in place and simply watched her.

When she was finished she handed me my backpack.

“(f/n)” Her voice was gentle.

Tears were pricking at the corners of my eyes, but I did not let them out. Tears of humiliation, anger, sadness, guilt and especially frustration and helplessness.

“It's fine”, I stated apathetically. “It's just stuff. Thanks for the uniform and putting everything back in place.”

We got a scolding for being late at the bus.

I mumbled an apology and we sat down silently.

Noaf let me sit at the window. She knew that I liked to watch the landscape passing by.

“You should tell your parents that you're going to be home late today”, Noaf proposed after a while of silence.

“What?”, I replied confused.

“You're visiting me today”, she decided.

“Wait! What?”, I exclaimed immediately regretting it as all heads turned toward us.

We waited for them to get back to their own business before continuing our conversation.

“I already informed my mom that we're hanging out at my place today”, Noaf announced.

“I dunno ...”

“Come on. You do wanna come over, don't you? Some fun and distraction?”, she offered.

A soft smile crept onto my face. “Fine.”

“I knew it”, she responded with a grin and playfully hit my side with her elbow.

I shook my head and went back to looking out the window, the smile still plastered on my face.

“Who's that?”, a girl asked Noaf after we had left the bus together.

“That's (f/n). (f/n), this is Nisma. My little sister”, Noaf introduced us.

“So you're finally meeting with a friend. Mom was already worried”, Nisma rejoiced.

Noaf sent her a glare that made her immediately shut up and avert her eyes.

I could not help but laugh at siblings.

“Then I'm feeling even more honored”, I stated laughing.

In the meantime we had started walking to their apartment and were now standing in front of the door.

Before Noaf had the chance to get out a key or ring the door already opened revealing a brightly smiling woman.

“Hi, welcome back”, she greeted her children. “You must be (f/n). Feel free to call me Inaya.”

I greeted her and introduced myself before Noaf led me to her and Nisma's room. It was interesting to see how different the sisters had decorated their part of the room.

“Should we start with homework?”, Noaf asked me casually.

She did not know that I had a crush on her after all and that it was exciting for me to actually stand inside her room.

“Sure. Best thing to get over with it as soon as possible”, I agreed.

Then the realization hit in. “Oh, but I don't have a notebook with me anymore.”

“We have enough in stock. Mom always buys way too many when they're in sale”, Noaf recalled and handed me a new notebook. It had the same beautiful, black design like Noaf's.

“I can also get you another one if you don't like the design. Though I'm not sure if you like the others better”, she assumed.

“No, I like it. Thanks”, I assured her.

Nisma had stayed in the living room.

So Noaf borrowed her chair for me and placed it next to her own. Noaf's desk was a bit small for us but I did not mind.

Together we managed to finish in a short amount of time as we had different talents.

“I'm beat”, Noaf exclaimed while dropping onto her bed.

My eyes traveled to her headphones.

“What are you usually listening to?”, I wondered.

“Wanna hear it?”, she offered.

I nodded.

So she started turning on some of her favorite songs.

For a while we just stayed like that listening to music. Time seemed to fly by. Soon it was dinner time and I had to return home. Otherwise mom would probably worry.

“Thanks for having me over”, I said goodbye to Noaf's mom.

“You're always welcome. Feel free to come over whenever you want to”, she offered me.

I thanked her and Noaf accompanied me to the door.

“Thanks for everything today.”

“We should hang out more often”, Noaf considered.

“That'd be great. See you tomorrow then.”

I flashed her a quick smile which she reciprocated before I set off toward home.

In the end the day had turned out pretty well after all.

Next Chapter

#al rawabi school for girls #noaf x fem reader #lgbtqia +#drama #bullying #homophobia #romance #angst #fluff #rania #layan #ruqayyah #high school drama #netflix series

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eppysboys · 2 years

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This will probably sound like a stupid question but were the 80s a tough period for Ringo?

Not stupid at all, anon! (Warning for talk of addiction, death and abuse...)

It was definitely a rough period for him. By the time 1979 rolled around he was really really struggling with his addictions to alcohol and drugs, almost died from intestinal problems (from his childhood) and had to have a significant chunk of his intestines removed, his house burnt down and he lost a lot of memorbilia from the Beatles days.

1980 comes around and bam - he and Barbara almost die in a car crash. John is killed. Ringo's albums were not doing well and record companies were outright rejecting him and his label dumped him. His drinking continued to get worse and worse. He did know he had a problem, but was frightened of recovery:

"I don't know how you do anything if you're not drunk," he recalled feeling to Rolling Stone, adding, "I couldn't play sober, but I also couldn't play as a drunk."

He and Barbara would try by themselves to get sober, but they would just end up at home with drugs and alcohol, shutting the world out together. He recorded an album but the result is a mess because all of the band (including himself) were drunk. He had to sue to make sure it didn't come out. He and Barbara were drinking 'round the clock' and there were incidents of violence between them. Things were just getting too much for the both of them.

Barbara said, "We went into rehab because we needed desperately a change. I got used to living at the bottom. But you get to a point where you realize, 'This isn't living.'" (People Magazine)

So in 1988 he and Barbara went to a detox clinic for six weeks or so and got proper treatment for alcoholism. He then went ahead and resurrected his career by extablishing the All Starr Band - doing what he loves most (playing with a great band) and being sober for the first time since.... who even knows (he says he was high/drunk every day since The Beatles split in 1970) transformed his life for the better.

(I think there was some financial trouble going on, and probably took some time to mend that base, but I'd have to look into that properly.)

He certainly had some lovely moments and career milestones, including marrying Barbara and collaborating with his best mates - but it's sad to think that he just doesn't remember a lot of the good times because he was blackout drunk. "I've lost years" he had said about it.

Here is a little video where Ringo and Barb talk about recovery.

So it really was a decade of burning down and building back up again. I can only speculate on the other branches of his well-being (the depression, insecurity, etc), but the difference between an 80s video of Ringo and a 2000s-Ringo is incredible. To my eye he's just so much more comfortable and secure and content, and it's really wonderful to see.

#asks #Ringo #alcoholism tw #abuse tw #death tw

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cuttlefishen · 2 years

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Back in 2016, I was a hot mess. I was depressed. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was uninspired to finish school, and in fact I failed basically all of my classes for a few semesters. Mentally? It was the worst year of my entire life...

And in the midst of that, I got really into a lot of different fandoms - probably as a coping mechanism. The Adventure Zone, Wolf 359, Flight Rising, Critical Role - I watched so. much. Critical Role... I literally skipped class just to watch Critical Role.

And then I took a break.

I quit school. I moved in with friends. I worked and tried to be a real adult, mostly self-sufficient for the first time ever... And I still tried to keep up with all these fandoms, plus adding more. Eventually I got to the point where the first campaign of Critical Role ended and I tried to keep up with the new campaign, but then I started working a second shift job every Thursday - so watching live wasn't an option any more.

I got behind, and literally have never caught up, and for the longest time this has really bothered me. I felt like I was failing myself by not being able to keep up with it, and worse I felt like I couldn't interact with the fandom at all anymore for fear of spoilers - which I wound up seeing anyway...

With the start of campaign 3, I was stoked to be able to try watching live again... but I really just don't have the emotional, physical, or attention energy to watch hours of dnd content anymore. And even though it's only been a few months, I'm already way behind and getting super stressed about catching back up.

Because I love Critical Role, so I have to watch it. Right?

And like this is just one example of a bigger problem I've increasingly found myself in. I grew up loving Pokemon, but as I've gotten older I've just rarely gotten my money's worth in the games, so I'm trying to be smart and not buy the newer games - but then I feel guilty and stressed and sad about not playing them.

I used to get so stressed about not keeping up with my Animal Crossing town that I would just stop playing for years, and then feel so guilty when I wanted to try playing again that I would just restart the game, destroy all the things I had created, and then feel guilty about that on top of the guilt of not playing every single day once my interest inevitably waned again.

I want to crochet, and play Animal Crossing, and watch Star Trek, and revamp my wardrobe, and make cosplay videos, and build new cosplays, and play PC games, and design dnd campaigns, and clean my house, and finally earn my degree-

...

So I've been thinking more and more about prioritizing lately. I've been struggling with school and struggling with home upkeep and struggling with mental upkeep, and honestly? I just really don't have the time or energy to dedicate to all the things I'm interested in.

And... that's okay.

I need to prioritize, but that doesn't have to be the big scary adulting only endeavor that my brain likes to tell me it is. I can decide that Critical Role is a fandom of my past, and I can watch clips and look at fan content without worrying about catching up - because realistically I never will. I can decide that Pokemon is a nostalgia that I love and appreciate, but don't have to actively participate in. I can decide that Animal Crossing is something I just play in spurts every once in awhile, and my islanders aren't going to hate me when I reappear months later.

My whole identity doesn't have to be wrapped up in all the dozens of fandoms I attach to myself like an over-enthusiastic decorator crab. I'm not failing anyone by letting some things go. I can let some things just be part of my past.

I can allow myself to be okay with giving things up.

And idk I just thought that realization might help some other people here too.

#word vomit #introspection #2022 #i guess this is a new years resolution of sorts

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fly-flower-fanfics · 5 years

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Crafts and Kisses

Alpha Loki x Omega Male Reader

Warnings: None, I think.

~~~~~~~~~~

Things were different ever since I moved in with everyone into Tony's tower. I got to see my friends more often, and I wasn't as lonely anymore. My depression — although still bad — had decreased significantly. Life seemed to be all around better than ever before.

Bruce was my best friend. He was the one I went to constantly and for everything. He was always reminding me to take my antidepressants and heat suppressants, telling me that it was time for meals, and where I'd last left certain items.

If my head wasn't attached, I'd probably need Bruce to find that, too.

Natasha and Clint were betas, and I found it a bit comical that the only two betas in the building were together. Usually Bruce, the two of them, and I would be at home, cuddled up on the couch watching movies like best friends and couple do.

Lastly, you had Tony, Thor, Steve, and Loki that were the alphas. Tony and Steve butt heads sometimes, but Natasha was able to shut the two of them up almost instantly. Thor was the softest alpha around, literally acting like everyone was apart of his pack. Not going to lie, Thor was the best cuddle buddy when Bruce was shut up in the lab.

Loki, on the other hand, was an alpha that I didn't quite understand. It wasn't because he was an alpha; I wouldn't understand him if he was a beta or omega, either. He was just...odd. I never really interacted with him because he was always sneaking around. He'd stopped being a villain — as much as he could — so he wasn't doing anything wrong. Something was just different about him.

I didn't really think he would like me.

My powers were rather insignificant to everyone else's. All I could do was control electricity: turning on and off lights, appliances, etc. It was, however, good for playing pranks and charging my phone when I forgot to.

Because I was the newest addition to the Stark-Avengers Tower, I wasn't as open with everyone. Bruce knew I was an omega because omegas knew other omegas instantly. The others didn't ask because status was a bit of a sensitive thing. I just knew what everyone else the Tower was because they were so open with one another.

I'd only reached that point with Bruce, and everyone seemed okay with that.

Currently, I was in my room, laying on my bed and listening to my music blare through my headphones. My fingers were dancing to the tune above me, painting a picture with the air around me. I knew I looked silly, but I didn't particularly care at that moment. I was trying to picture what a painting would look like based on this song. And, not to toot my own horn, I was doing a damn fine job at imagining it.

Painting it? Now that was another story.

I was an artist, yes, but I was more into creating things and working with things like papier-mâché and clay. Painting wasn't my strong subject, but I wasn't terrible at it. It was just my ideas seemed to always be a bit too far out of my skill set, and I'd end up with a knock-off version of my idea.

I sat up in bed with the idea perfected in my head. I shoved my phone into the waistband of my boxers and rushed out my room towards the empty room Tony let me claim as an art studio.

On the way, I nearly crashed into both Clint and Thor. The two of them just laughed me off as I shouted an apology, spinning on my heel and waving at them. Whenever I had an idea, I always ran around to try and do it, and everyone knew it. Unfortunately for me, there was one other person I nearly rammed into: Loki.

I quickly apologized, but instead on continuing to run like I had with the others, I was frozen in place.

Why? It's not like I was scared of him or anything. He intently stared down at me; his green eyes felt like the burned straight to my soul. I didn't move, unsure of what the god would do or say. I never really got time to spend with him, and I didn't want to waste it, even if I had an idea.

The one corner of his mouth quirked up in the smallest movement that I had ever seen — barely seen — and he stepped to the side with a small nod of the head. Immediately, I smiled at him, brushed his cheek with my fingers, and went off running down the hall once more.

I never saw Loki as a threat to me, nor did I want to treat him any different than I did anyone else. I knew Tony and Steve treated him like an outsider, and Bruce and Clint were rather wary of him, too, and normally kept their distance. I was touch-feely with everyone, and Loki wasn't going to be spared of it either. At least, he hasn't told me he didn't like it with from our few interactions.

In fact, I don't think I've ever heard him talk at all.

Any thought of Loki and the others left my mind as soon as I reached the door of my makeshift art room. Opening it, I stepped inside and let the door close behind me. My paints were all set up in a corner already along with a clean canvas; I always made sure to do that when I left the room so I didn't need to prep when I had a brand-new idea.

I walked over and sat down by the table, pulling out a bunch of bright colors. After an hour, all I had was a rather beautiful mix of colors that looked like a splatter paint gone wrong. Even though I was disappointed that it was another idea that received a knock-off version, I didn't let it drag me down entirely.

I decided to go move to another kind of project: papier-mâché a mask.

With no set plan in mind, I plopped myself in front of the new table. It only took a few moments to get everything altogether, suit up into an apron, and get to work. I always stained the glue-water mix with a colored stiffener that would make it firmer when it dries. I'd always use clear glue because the white glue looked too much like something else. I made the mistake of using it once, and Tony made sure I never forget it. Clear glue looks like mucus, though, and that's disgusting, too.

I stained it purple today. Not that it mattered, but I liked the soft lilac color. I began placing the strips of newspaper onto a mask mold. It was peaceful enough until I realized one thing missing: my music. Whining, I got up and drug myself to the sink to wash my hands. I stuck my headphones in while I returned to my seat and pressed play.

New songs flooded my ears and motivated me to work. By the time I'd gotten the basic mold down to where I wanted it, I still didn't know what I wanted to make out of it. Then a song popped up that decided it for me: Miss Mysterious by Set It Off.

I knew I'd have to let the mask dry a bit before I'd start cutting into it, but I knew exactly how I wanted it to look. Half a mask, a bit like the Phantom of the Opera's, with a curled horn off to the side. It didn't sound as cool explaining it, but it was beautiful inside my head.

My fingers worked with the slimy mixture and the newspaper to create a thin, curled horn. I'd paint it a dark green, maybe add gold highlights to it or bells. Something like that. Something that would show how beautiful it was, how elegant it would be.

I sang along with the song. I could reach the high notes, and I wasn't the best at singing, but I was good enough that no one complained about my voice. Or at least they never complained to my face. Either way, I sang the song like no one else was in the room simply because there wasn't.

My hands glided over the mask, adding new pieces, creating the horn, and calling myself names when I'd accidentally drip the stuff on the table. I'd always then try and scoop it up in my hand but end up making it worse since my hands were covered in the gluey goop.

I'm sure if someone was outside looking in, I definitely was a sight to see. And I didn't care.

Once my mask was to the point that there was nothing left to do but let it dry, I stood up to go wash my hands. As soon as I turned around, I let out a scream.

"Loki?!"

His eyes lit up, just a bit more than usual, and I could tell he was laughing at me. Then, his lips began to move, but all I could hear was Who Is It by Michael Jackson blaring in my ears. I held up my hands to show him the goop they were currently covered in.

"Lemme wash my hands, and don't you dare leave, or I'll dip my hands back in it, find you, and touch you." I was sure I was speaking rather loudly because I could hear myself over my music.

I barely caught Loki's glare, and I smirked to myself. There was a fifty-fifty chance he'd actually leave, which meant there was a fifty-fifty chance I'd get to chase him with goopy hands. I washed my hands in the sink, making sure I got rid of all of it because it did stay a bit sticky when it remained on my hands.

I was equally surprised and disappointed to see Loki still standing there once I turned around. I removed my headphones from my ears, draped them around my neck, and gave Loki a slight bow while twirling my hand.

"You may speak now, my lord."

I heard the god snort. It was very soft, almost like a sharp inhale when one would be sick. His lips twitched slightly as I straightened up, but other than that, his face remained stoic. I knew that I was able to pull emotion from him, but I didn't understand why he tried to hide it.

Was it something I did? Something I said? Maybe it's just the way I am. Had I offended him in some way without realizing it?

His chuckle broke my train of thought. I blinked and saw the small smile on his face. I don't think I've ever seen him smile before. Even though it was hardly a smile, it caused me to smile.

"Are you always this energized, Y/N?"

His voice made me freeze. He knew my name. Well, duh. Of course he knew my name. I did live in the same building with the man. Oh god, I'm being stupid. What the hell? This isn't that big of a deal.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah. It runs in my genes, I guess," I answered, wanting to slap myself. I couldn't have replied in a more dumbass way. Conversation was never my strong point.

Another smile tugged the edge of his lips. "Of course."

"Can-can I help you with anything?" I asked, scratching the back of my neck nervously before turning on my heel to replace the paints and canvas. "Not that I don't enjoy your company, it's just strange that you're here in my studio. Especially since we haven't really talked the much."

How long had he been there? The thought hit my like a punch in the stomach and made me hesitate for a moment. I'd finished my mask and turned to see him. He couldn't have been there that long, right? Art is boring to watch to most, and I'd assume that watching me papier-mâché was not on his list of 'fascinating things to do today.'

"Just stopping by."

God, I hated his answers. I mimicked him in my facial expressions while my back was turned to him. Couldn't he give me more solid answers? I cleaned out my brushes in the sink and glanced towards him.

"Why?"

He seemed caught off guard by my question, but it was perfectly reasonable considering our past — or lack there of. Instead of an answer, when Loki regained his composure, all I received was a shrug.

"Did you want something?" I asked, trying to hide my nervousness now. I went to the closet to grab a new canvas, tucking my lip between my teeth. There was a chair within reach of my foot, so I pulled it closer to me with the top of my toes and stood on it to grab a new canvas.

Did he want something? Did I accidentally take something of his? It happened sometimes since I was usually so scatterbrained. I tried to scan my brain of the items I'd last had in my possession, but all that I could think of was my paints and some newspaper.

"Oh, my dear omega."

I nearly slipped off the chair when the words left Loki's lips. The canvas did fall from my hands and clatter to the floor, and I dove after it, picking it up. How did he know that? Bruce wouldn't snitch on me, I knew that.

"You reek of anxiety," the god continued. "You seem to forget that my senses are heightened over your Midgardian senses. No matter what you use to mask your natural scent, I can see right through it."

I walked my now slightly dusty canvas over to the table and laid it down. Did that mean Thor knew, too? If Loki did, then Thor had to. Bless them both for not saying anything. I proceeded to busy myself by making sure every little dust particle was off of the canvas. The lights dimmed slightly for a moment as my anxiety increased.

He's here to make fun of me.

Loki never thought highly of omegas or betas, for the matter. That was clear to me. Loki only ever seemed to respect other alphas that were able to take him size him up for a good fight for dominance. I always assumed that he and Tony would eventually get together, no matter how much the two currently avoided one another.

Clearing my throat, I straighten up and hung up the apron I had been wearing. Finally, after what simultaneously felt like centuries and mere seconds, I turned to face the prankster once again. My fingers were tingling, and I knew that just once more word might cause me to blow all the bulbs in my studio.

Tony never got mad at me for it because really, what was a few light bulbs to a millionaire? But I've been trying to learn how to control my powers in moments of high and nearly uncontrollable emotions.

"You didn't answer my question," I replied, letting a smile form on my lips. It wasn't nearly as large as my normal smile, but I wanted my normal persona back.

"Bruce is sick," he replied. I knew that. Bruce had gotten ill yesterday, and I told him I'd go see him later, no matter how much he protested. "Can't seem to get it if bed right now." A look of disgust floated over the God's beautiful features. "So I brought these for you since it seems you've forgotten them."

Loki held out a small, silver package towards me, and I recognized it instantly. My heat suppressants. Now that I was thinking back again, I couldn't remember the last time I'd taken them. A dark blush heated my cheeks, but Loki didn't seem phased by it whatsoever.

"We don't want you going into an early heat." I wanted to die at the words he was saying. Did he not understand how embarrassed I already was? I noticed the lights dangerously flicking as I took the package from him. I saw Loki's eyes glance up towards them before I turned to grab a bottle of water from the small refrigerator I kept in the back.

"How do you hide your heats?"

I nearly choked on the pill and water, but managed to get it to stay down. While I was able to save that, the light bulbs weren't so lucky. They popped, drowning the room in darkness that was almost pitch black. "Oh, dear. I do seemed to have caused some discomfort."

I wanted to punch Loki in his stupid, pretty face. I was a mixture of embarrassed and angry because he had no right to do this. Who was he to come stomping up into my safe haven and talk about my heats and being an omega? Then he plays it off like a joke? The nerve of the motherfucker.

Since I knew the room like the back of my hands, I had no issues navigating to the one corner of my room. I leaned my head against the wall and breathed out a sigh. I wanted to unlive the last ten minutes of my life and leave before Loki had ever entered.

"Y/N?"

Damn his voice.

Silence was my reply.

"Y/N, don't make me ask again.

Even though he wasn't my alpha, I found myself turning toward him before cursing and facing the wall again. Calm down. Count to ten.

"Y/N, please."

"What?" I hissed out before turning to face him. I didn't want to deal with this right now, but the two of us were stuck in here until Tony would manually unlock the door since that, too, was powered by electricity. I couldn't do anything because, more likely, I blew the fuse connecting all of that.

"It's not that big of a deal."

"Says you," I growled. I didn't like people finding out things about me without my permission. It was weird, I know, but I didn't like when people knew things that I didn't tell them. "No one hates you for being an alpha."

"And no one would hate you for being an omega."

I didn't reply this time. He was pissing me off, but I tried to calm down. I guess it wasn't that big of a deal... It still really bothered me though. Taking a deep breath, I tugged my hair, and then let it out slowly.

"I'm not ready to admit it, okay?" My parents had been very disappointed in me for being an omega and a gay one at that. Their only son was into other men and the weakest on the totem pole. Whether society really frowned upon omegas or not, in my mind, they did. Everyone did, and I was scared to admit it. Bruce didn't even know why I didn't tell people that I was an omega.

"And you of all people!" I nearly spat at him as I whirled around. "You're the one that would hate me for being an omega. I know the way you talk about them. God, can't even believe you can stand to look at me." I ground my teeth together.

This was way out of my comfort zone and personality. Hot tears streamed down my cheeks, causing me to curse aloud. I hated crying when I was angry.

I jumped when a hand fell on my shoulder, nearly decking Loki in the face. Was that really necessary?

Even in the darkness, I swore his green eyes were he only things that I could see perfectly clear.

"Calm down," he whispered to me softly, pulling me into a hug.

The coolness of his body helped my anxiety and the way he pet my hair caused me to let my guard down.

"Just listen to me," Loki continued. I was about to speak up, realizing what was going on, but Loki quickly shut that down. "You may not speak, do you understand?"

I closed my eyes and nodded against his chest. He's not my alpha, what the fuck am I doing?

"My omega, I kept my distance so I could keep watch on you. I kept my distance so I could se show others were interested in you. It also had come to my attention that you were into my brother." I could hear the jealousy laced in with his words.

The faint scent of possession filled my senses.

"I want you all to my own."

My knees felt weak at his words, and I found myself kneeling at his feet. As much as I had tried to push the feelings away, Loki was always the alpha I had wanted. He was off, odd, and different. Something about him always made my heart race.

I closed my eyes as I felt Loki's hand settle on my head. I rested my head against his thigh, closing my eyes. The amount of submission I felt was incredible, and I was incredibly embarrassed. Yet I didn't fight it as much as I normally would have.

"I didn't want you to hate me," I breathed out, hoping that he wouldn't hear my words.

"I would never." He backed away and knelt down to my level, sitting on the floor and pulling me between his legs. "I only ever wanted the best for my omega."

"You want me to be yours?" I asked softly.

I felt Loki's lips press against my skin at the base of my neck, near the place where he would mark me and claim me as his. "Yes."

I closed my eyes, letting myself enjoy the feeling of his cool lips against my skin. "Loki...I-I just... I don't wanna jump right in... I want you, but I want a relationship, too..."

"Then a relationship we shall form," he promised, tilting my head back to kiss my lips.

#marvel #marvel x male reader #marvel fanfiction #loki x male reader #loki fanfiction #loki #gay loki oneshot #lgbt #alpha #omega #alpha loki #alpha omega fanfiction

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wellknownwolf · 4 years

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I want to move into a new phase in my relationship with fandom, as I mature with new experiences. I'm not sure what exactly that looks like though. What is your take on the parasocial affection inherent in an RPF like Rhett & Link? Or even the deep attachments that can form with fictional characters? Or a desire to emulate fantasy worlds? I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable with all this, it's just that it's been a long time coming, and once I got started I couldn't stop. - Natasha (5)

First, let me post the full question, since it came in 5 parts:

Hey, it's me again. Your 'mystery inquirer', as you so adorably dubbed me. You're right, I had forgotten I'd sent in that ask. Just now, I couldn't help but think about a scene from Life After, as I am wont to on a frightfully regular basis, which is what got me back here. When you said you pondered over my seemingly simple, banal question for a good while, and wrote out a beautifully thoughtful answer like you always do, it made me happy.

Your narrative voice is similar to my own, and it made my chest ache in a certain way to have gotten such a response to what felt like a random shout out into the abyss (though it obviously wasn't, I sent it directly to you, I guess it's more what it felt like taking a chance on a conversation with a random stranger online). And now I'm cringing a bit at how melodramatic all sounds. But I'm committing to it, anyway. That's the beauty of anon, eh?

Wolfie (is it presumptuous to call you that? Please do forgive me the liberty I'm taking), I must admit. I'm quite envious of this community you have with @missingparentheses, @lunar-winterlude, and other wonderful people. Since childhood, I've been head over heels in love with fandom. Not a specific fandom, I've been a traveller through dozens, but fandom in general. I've read probably thousands of fanfics, spent countless hours daydreaming about beloved characters and their stories.

To the point where, in my most recent and worst depressive episode, it may have been for the worse, if I'm honest. Escapism and yearning to the point of impairment, engendering a sense of constant bereavement. But it's taught me so much about life and its wonders, I can't write it off as just some damaging habit. It's such an integral part of who I am, a deeply curious soul (shout out to my Enneagram Type 5-ers out there!). But I don't anyone to share it with, and it can get quite lonely.

.....................................................................

Thank you for giving me so much to respond to, Natasha. Thank you for continuing to reach out. I accidentally wrote something like a paper in response to your thoughtful question. I even conducted a little research and cited a source. ENGLISH TEACHER, ACTIVATE!

Also, for what it’s worth, I feel at times that I communicate exclusively through shouts into the abyss, so it’s a language with which I am at home. In fact, it is this very technique, this experiment with intense vulnerability at the hands of a virtual stranger, that earned me one of my absolutely most-treasured friends: @missingparentheses. I have poured out a great deal of my own melodrama to her, and she has received it and reciprocated it in a way that, three years later, continues to teach me how to be a better friend. In short, I’m a firm believer in diving straight in when it comes to new friends. Cringe not; I’m on board.

So let’s dive.

R&L is really only the second “fandom” with which I’ve been involved. Third, if we count my preteen obsession with ‘N Sync (and considering how much wall space I dedicated to their posters and self-printed photos, we probably should). My point is, while I don’t have much experience with the community facet of fandom, I do relate to your feeling of near-obsession. Or clear obsession.

I know the feeling of escapism you’re describing, and I know the yearning and melancholy that can come on our worst days, where we feel like “real life” will never measure up to the color and brilliance of the worlds we spend so much time considering. These worlds, these characters and their relationships, their challenges, victories, and defeats all seem so purposeful: they’re the plot points we use to craft the stories in our heads (regardless of whether we’re writers at all). It can be much harder to view ourselves as protagonists worth analyzing, viewing and reviewing through new lenses, perhaps because we’re warned against navel-gazing, perhaps because our self-perception just won’t allow for it. Maybe a little of both.

But yes! It teaches us! We DO learn about life, other people, love, risk, all kinds of things through what we consume in these fandoms, so I would never classify it as a “bad” thing. We hone our imaginations and learn to pay attention to our own emotions as we recognize feelings from our favorite shows, games, books, and characters arising in ourselves.

I used to be a little afraid of the fact that I was always telling myself stories, internally imagining myself as someone else, a player in the worlds I often loved more than my own. I suspected that someday, somehow, I would be caught playing pretend all the time in my own little ways. I was a bright and ambitious young woman, so why would I give so much of my mental energy to such frivolous pursuits?

In my first semester of graduate school, though, I learned from a Lit. Theory professor who intimidated the hell out of me that we all do this. We’re all telling ourselves stories all the time, some of which are true and close to objective reality, some of which are more subjective to whatever fantastical (or fandom) material we last consumed. I’ve whispered my own dialogue in the shower, but so have you whispered yours in your head (if not also out loud in your shower!). And through this act, however it is performed, I have made those worlds part of my own. So have you. In this way, they are real, and I no longer feel fearful of being “found out.”

When we have those moments of doubt, though, when we wonder whether we’re going too far, it probably stems, at least partially, from the “us v. them” divide between fandom and mainstream society. We love our little worlds, but we also feel that twinge of anxiety that we might be bordering on obsession, that our guilty pleasure might be discovered and we will be socially punished for it, namely, as Joli Jensen writes in “Fandom as Pathology: The Consequences of Characterization,” because “the fan is characterized as (at least potentially) an obsessed loner, suffering from a disease of isolation, or a frenzied crowd member, suffering from a disease of contagion. In either case, the fan is seen as being irrational, out of control, and prey to a number of external forces” (13). According the consistent covert (and overt, at times) messages of the mainstream, “[f]andom is conceived of as a chronic attempt to compensate for a perceived personal lack of autonomy, absence of community, incomplete identity, lack of power and lack of recognition” (Jensen 17). Yikes. That doesn’t feel good to admit about ourselves, does it?

Luckily, it’s bullshit.

Treating “fans” as others (outsiders, people who can’t form relationships or find fulfillment in the “real world”) “risks denigrating them in ways that are insulting and absurd” (Jensen 25). Those who take this stance, who see fans as victims of hysteria or desperate loners, do so in order to “develop and defend a self-serving moral landscape. That terrain cultivates in us a dishonorable moral stance of superiority, because it makes other into examples of extrinsic forces, while implying that we [members solely of the mainstream] somehow remain pure, autonomous, ad unafflicted” (Jensen 25). In short, that us/them thinking just makes people feel better about themselves by pointing out an easily-identifiable “other.”

I have also grappled with the concept of parasocial affection, particularly with R&L. I was well into writing my first Rhink fic when the thought crossed my mind, “Oh my god, what if I actually met these people someday? How would I look them in the eye? I’d feel like a crazy person (again)!” From the safety of the Midwest, I laughed off the thought. And then a year or so later, they were announcing their first tour. And I was still writing, here and there, still deep in my affection for them, sometimes wrestling with the thought that I’ve devoted so much energy to people who would never know I exist.

It doesn’t matter that the attachment was in the most obvious, tangible ways only one-sided. As an adult who is ever-learning how to navigate the worlds of her own creation and the ones over which she has far less control, I view my intense attachment to characters both real and fictional with deep fondness. And while I may not receive affection or attention directly from the sources (R&L, fictional characters, sports teams, who/whatever we build fandoms around), I am still earning some very real rewards for my involvement: Because of them, I found my way to a participatory culture in which I was supported and encouraged to express my creativity. This gave me the push and interest that I needed to hone skills that have not only made me a better writer, but also a better teacher and mentor. With fandom comes the ability to immediately strike up a conversation over shared interests. With fandom comes a sense of belonging in what we have proven is an awfully divisive world.

Right now, I’m consuming far less fandom-related material than I did a few years ago. I don’t really watch GMM anymore and I’m on a break from Ear Biscuits (though I still love it), Gotham ended over a year ago and I’m not in the habit of reading fics right now, and I can’t yet play the remade Final Fantasy 7, so that’s out for me, too (though I know I will fall deep into that well once the game is in my hot little hands). This all happened by itself. I never consciously moved away from these sources; I just floated on to other interests and other levels of interest, knowing that if and when I wanted to dig back in, I could always come back.

I used to feel quite sad at the thought of someday “moving on” from these intense interests. I couldn’t fathom somehow falling out of love with those bands, actors, or video games. But for me, the transition into wherever I am now has not been painful in the least. I’m glad I knew the intensity that I did, and I’m happy with the distance I have now. And there’s a good chance I’ll be fanatic about something else someday. I’m looking forward to it!

Here are some responses that I couldn’t organically fit into my essay:

Yes, you can call me Wolfie if you’d like. That name started with @missingparentheses (her second appearance in this answer!), and quickly became a reminder to not take myself too seriously.

Second, I don’t think I know any other Type 5s! I’m a type 8.

Also, here’s my MLA formatted citation for the Jensen source:

Jensen, Joli. “Fandom as Pathology: The Consequences of Characterization.” The Adoring Audience: Fan Culture and Popular Media, Routledge, 1992, pp. 9-29.

#ask me anything #fandom meta-discourse #bc I always said I wouldn't get involved in fandom discourse #oh no I'm us/them-ing in my tags!#shame on me!

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douchebagbrainwaves · 5 years

Text

I'VE BEEN PONDERING TECHNOLOGY

These quotes about luck are not from founders whose startups failed. One founder put it very succinctly: Fast iteration is the key to success. In a way this is virtuous, because I read about it in the press all the time, and that it will be at the very edge of innovation? 0 means using the web as a platform, which I can still only just bear to use without scare quotes. I don't laugh at ideas anymore, because I think startups are a good thing. And technology for targeting ads continues to improve. Big companies are good at generating it. There hasn't been such a wave of new applications since microcomputers first appeared.1

In social settings, I found that I could tell immediately, by the way. The reason to ask this question isn't just so that our ghosts can say, in a matter of writing a lot of their own people would rebel.2 How much of a problem is each of these? They're sailing with the wind, instead of comparing each character. The very first version of a tree that in the future. The same mix of denial and wishful thinking that underlies most mistakes founders make. The American way is to make money writing a Basic interpreter for the Altair. But evil as patent trolls are, I don't mean to imply that good design requires a dictator.

A language that would make me a better programmer for the rest of the world just doesn't get startups, and partly because at first the founders are the whole company. My point here is not to dis Java, but to learn and do. There are only a few things we can say with certainty.3 Then the interface will tend to be less willing to invest in Microsoft. Like nuclear weapons, the main role of big companies' patent portfolios is to threaten anyone who attacks them with a counter-suit. The problem with software patents is an instance of a more general one: the patent office may understand the sort of things we now patent as software, but there will be other things they would like that would be done by the people who start the startup, because they get a big chunk of money up front.4 A determined party animal can get through the best school without learning anything.

Notes

The state of technology. Living on instant ramen, which would harm their all-important GPA.

This is not to like to invest in the US treat the poor worse than the don't-be poets were mistaken to be their personal IT consultants, building anything they could just multiply 101 by 50 to 6,000. There are a better story for an investor who says he's interested in you, what would our competitors hate most? Some will say this amounts to the size of the war, tax rates have had a killed portraiture as a consulting company is like math's ne'er-do-well brother.

The closest we got to see artifacts from it, by encouraging people to bust their asses. There are lots of others followed. But that being so, or b get your employer to renounce, in the world, but since it was the fall of 2008 but no one would say we depend on closing a deal led by a central authority according to certain somewhat depressing rules many of the Facebook/Twitter route and building something they hope will be. We try to ensure startups are possible.

If someone speaks for the next generation of software from being contaminated by how much harder it is generally the way starting a startup is compress a lifetime's worth of work have different needs from the VCs' point of treason.

Thanks to Peter Norvig, Patrick Collison, Lisa Randall, Jessica Livingston, Fred Wilson, Harjeet Taggar, David Hornik, Trevor Blackwell, and Chip Coldwell for sharing their expertise on this topic.

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imxenelle · 6 years

Text

Farewell Kim Jonghyun

To be honest, I don't know how to start this blog but I will try my best to make my point clear. And I hope people will take their time to read this. This might be a bit long but please.. Bare with me. Thank you.

I am someone at the age of 19 years old. Eversince I was a child, I had depression. What triggered my depression was watching my family breaking apart and losing a family member because of depression. I was at the age of 4, an age where I shouldn't understand yet what was going on. I should've focused on playing with kids or do stuff like a normal kid should do, but I did not. Instead, I was by my mothers side as I watched her cry every night. I took care of her whenever I could as I wiped away her tears and brought her tissues and a glass of water. I was also always alert when she was about to collapse. I kept her cellphone ready in order to call for help or was ready to run out to our neighbors eventhough it was in the middle of the night. To make it short, I did not acknowledge my depression until I was in elementary. I went to a psychiatrist almost 2 times a week.

Now that I am 19, I've recently realized as to why my depression comes back every now and then. It is not because of my past. I accepted years ago that my family wouldn't be the way it used to be. So I do know that this is not the main reason for my mental issue today.

It was around the first week of September 2017 when I realized, after all these years, that I was the reason behind my depression. I'm the main cause. I am pressured by my own self. I exhaust my own self without noticing it all those years.

After I realized this, the whole reason behind my anxiety and depression, I couldn't stop myself from hurting myself anymore. I was tired of myself once again. On the 23rd September, I tried to overdose myself. 7-8grams, but nothing happened to me, not even after I fell asleep. I got mad. I was annoyed. I couldn't understand why I was still breathing and alive. But I eventually moved on and well, went on with my life.

I'm doing well today.

The point about this blog is, Jonghyun and I have the same reason as to why we're suicidal and have depression. Please, I am not claiming that we have the exact reason nor do I try to claim something else. We are both different people with different feelings and emotions.

I've read an article where Jonghyun's letter was posted and I was extremely shocked hearing about him being depressed about himself. I don't know how to express myself nor do I know if I'm even saying this right. I felt like I understood where he was coming from when he said that people should not judge ones' depression, mostly if you have no clue what he or she is going through. Also when a person was questioning the reason of Jonghyuns' depression. You cannot tell a person what was triggering his mental issues when he himself knew it already.

Having depression myself, I know what a struggle it can be. So I am very thankful to the people who are there for me and never giving up on me. So I hope people out there has at least someone they can trust and depend on whenever they need someone. If you think you don't have anyone, you can always message me. I'm always ready to make friends and be there for someone who needs a shoulder to lean and cry on.

And before I end this blog, I would like to copy paste something I wrote on my IG. I wrote it into 3 parts.

1. "It's all in your mind" "Don't let it go to your head" "Think positive" "Those feelings aren't permanent" "Others have it worse than you"

Please, please stop using those words when someone opens up to you about their problems. About their loud cries in their head. Their silent tears that scream for help. Stop. Please stop promising to a person who has anxiety/depression that you're there for them when you just end up leaving them with their thoughts. With their killing thoughts that no one hears but them. Please stop offer help if you refuse to listen but just put your own words into our mouths. You may reflect upon our situation but please do not talk for us. We may have the same situation but we do not have the same feelings. Please do not compare us with others as we are all different from each other. We do know that people out there may have it worse than us but we do not need it to be rubbed under our noses. We know. Please understand that we are troubling with ourselves. We do not mean to bother others so we keep it to ourselves. But the more we keep it to ourselves, the more people get affected, isn't it? I apologize for that. But please know that I am trying my best to do better, to be okay, to be happy. Please do understand as I try to help myself to be okay because I know no one can help me except myself. But the problem is, I do not know how to help myself anymore. Please do understand that talking may be tiring for us by now as we try to explain over and over again. It's not like we refuse to talk. It's not like that. Please don't force us to talk. It's just really tiring now that we just shut down and stay quiet and just cry. Please understand that anxiety and depression isn't just a feeling of being scared and sadness. It's not. It's something we cannot explain once it hits you. Please do not tell us to think of something positive. It is not like we do not want to. We do try to think positive. But once it hits us, our mind goes blank. It shuts off. Yes, sometimes we do not think but just feel. So please stop saying it is all up in our mind. We do not feel the pain in our mind but in our heart.

2."Try harder" "Your 'trying' isn't enough" "Don't try, do it" "Trying won't hurt"

It ain't easy the way it sound like. Please do not tell us that we should do something in order to make ourselves busy. To make our mind busy. It's because it'll make sound like we aren't trying. But we do. We do know that you mean only good but at the back of our mind it'll still bother us to the point that our mind starts to think "I am trying!" God damn it, we are trying. I am trying. Putting these words into my own mind and mouth is like adding salt to a fresh wound. I take the salt from you and pour it unto my own open flesh so it'll hurt less, but it doesn't. Please do know that we are trying our best to be okay. We try our best to stay happy. Because who doesn't wants happiness in their life? We want it too. We want it to last, even if it would be for a single day. So we try our best to do all the things we love to do, even if it'll takes a risk and a step beyond the line we're scared to cross. Taking the risks in life gave us sometimes the taste of happiness but coming at the end of the day, the same feeling comes back, even if we do not want to welcome it back. It's because IT welcomes us back.

So please, do not tell us to try harder because we do not try. We DO our best.

3. "You're being too dramatic" "Attention seeker" "It'll be okay"

Please stop saying that we're being too dramatic and that we're attention seekers. It hurts. Emotions and feelings aren't something to joke about. Please understand that we rather choose to keep it to ourselves instead of telling it to others. Keep it away even from our friends and loved ones. Sometimes they do not understand us either. Please understand that it hurts the most as we cry in our own 4 walls as we try not to make a sound in order for people not to hear us. It hurts. It hurts when loved ones don't understand. But it hurts the most when they blame themselves because we feel this way. We do not want to blame anyone but ourselves. Our own mind. Please do not talk down on us as you say "it'll be okay". People like I hold unto your words in hope you are saying the truth but cry in pain as these were words were filled with no sincerity but air. We do not blame you for these words that slip from your lips but our idiotic selves for trusting and holding unto something that can't promise us anything. Please do not tell us it'll be okay when you can't see your own tomorrow. Please do not tell us it'll be okay when we've been told this now since years. We are still not okay. Please stop giving us false hope that were meant to be unintentional.

ㅡㅡㅡ

I am done. I'm sorry if this was a long blog but I would like to give my sincerest thank you if you read it till here!

Please message me if you like to talk to me! You can open up to me about anything. I'm happy to make friends! And please remember to spread love. I love you peeps so much! Always take care of yourself! ❤

Lastly, I would like to end this blog with a short message to our Jonghyun.

Dear Jonghyun,

How are you? Are you doing well? I do hope you're well and safe. I believe that you're in a place now where you can rest your tired soul. I would like to thank you for being my very first ultimate bias. Thank you and SHINee for bringing me in into the Kpop world. Thanks to you, I found something I can hold unto whenever I feel down and happy of course. Thank you for being my joy and inspiration and motivation. Thank you for sharing your blessings with us. Your beautiful voice with your sweet and kind heart. Thank you for being you Jonghyun. I am sorry if I'm still crying as I write this but please know that I love you so much and that I miss you. I am sorry if I tried to run away from my own sadness and reality. I tried to run and build a wall from the reality that was right in front of me. I was scared to face it. I couldn't believe it and refused to accept it. It was too painful for me to let you go just yet. But knowing that you're in a safe place now, I try to let go. I'm slowly letting go of you. But it doesn't mean I will forget you. I will never forget you Jonghyun. You will always have a place in my mind and heart. You did well.

Rest in Peace Kim Jonghyun.

#kim jonghyun #kim kibum #choi minho #lee taemin #lee onew #lee jinki #jonghyun #rip jonghyun #shinee jonghyun #kpop #depression #shawol #shinee world #key #kibum #taemin #onew #minho #jinki

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sapphirescales · 7 years

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LILY!!! do you have skincare tips? i've got oily skin and i'm looking for things i can do when my Depression makes it hard to maintain a routine :(

UMMMM well idk like,,, my skin isnt all that great either esp when The Stress hits but i’ll jot down some stuff tht i can think of, but i’ll preface it w my skin is combination skin -- i’ve got a rly oily t-zone and then the rest of my face (esp my cheeks) are a little dry so i guess my skin tends to be more oily than anything, and my skin is SUPER SENSITIVE, but anyway

for facewashes and face creams: use gel stuff instead of foam or cream stuff! i switched my foam cleanser for a gel cleanser, and my moisturiser cream for a moisturiser gel and it helped so much. gel stuff tends to be a lil bit more expensive but it’s worth it imho. also try and get stuff which are parabens-free, bc stuff w parabens in it usually makes my acne go Mad. some stuff i’ve used/stuff i know about: sugar’s cucumber face wash gel, clinelle’s hydracalm facewash gel & hydracalm moisturiser, st ives’ green tea cleanser, origins’ make a difference plus+ rejuvenating cream (a gel moisturiser & a lil high-end aka super pricet), the face shop’s jeju aloe gel (there’s a huge tub sold here for like rm22 something something and honestly aloe gel is so cooling and soothing). i’ve also heard some really great stuff about origins’ oil cleanser (and oil cleansers in general) but i haven’t used it personally.

get urself a good toner! again, try and stay away from parabens-containing products but investing in a good toner will help your products sink in better and also help with regards to oil control. i’m using origins’ mega-bright skin illuminating treatment lotion, from their dr andrew weil line, and idk of many toners that are parabens free, so if you know any feel free 2 add to the comments i guess

your diet tends to reflect on your face. i dont eat v healthy tbh but i find that if i take a lot of dairy products, my acne tends to get worse. try and see if there are similar food products for you -- i know my cousins have issues with lots of processed food. not to say Cut It Out Entirely but reducing/cutting back can really help. my skin is also v v oily if i don’t drink enough water and get in enough greens, so i try to do that as often as i can. keep some water next to where you’re working or using your laptop, use a cool mason jar or water bottle or sippy cup or WHATEVER tbh as long as it makes you actually drink water and keep yourself hydrated

use a nice scrub or an alternative to a scrub: i use st ives’ green tea scrub (which is also parabens free and v affordable imo) and i also bought a tiny lil silicone sponge from watson’s which is like rm22 or something? and i use that with my gel cleanser. but the goal is to really gently exfoliate your skin without irritating it or drying it out. bc the sponge is made of silicone, it lasts FOREVER as well and you’ll see a difference in the texture of your skin in no time. making sure less dead cells are on your skin also helps w my oil production idk why??? but it Does so sdlfkj

face care with make-up is so, so important. use a primer or a pore filler before you put on make-up -- not only will it help your make-up stay on for longer but it also stops make-up getting INTO your pores and making your skin situation worse. afterwards, i usually wipe off my make-up with a (i know u guys are sick of this by now) parabens-free or a really gentle make-up wipe (like one from simple), and then i go back in with micellar water or baby oil in order to really clear out my pores. i use a quick scrub, tone and moisturise. wearing make-up often makes my skin oilier sometimes bc my make-up (which is mattifying bc oily t-zone) dries my skin out and then makes it overproduce oil again later, so if i don’t gotta use make-up, i try not to / minimise how much make-up i use (e.g. just using it for under-eye concealing or concealing acne scars/major acne)

on that note, if you don’t gotta use a cleanser, don’t? like i know most ppl are gonna scream but honestly if you were just at home all day and didn’t go anywhere or do anything to your skin, just splash on some micellar water to clear off the products off your skin from the day before/last night and you’re going to be fine??? super easy, zero fuss.

also, if youre wearing make-up, and youve got oily skin/oily areas, youre gonna have to be a lil aware sometimes and like. dab at your face w a sponge or a tissue v gently to wipe off the oil. setting your face with a powder really helps, and you don’t ACTUALLY need to put the same amount of make-up and foundation over your whole face. so, for e.g., my nose doesn’t need as much coverage and its Super Oily, so i don’t apply as much product there compared to like my forehead or my cheeks (where my acne scarring is most prominent), which really helps. if you have a good foundation and powder that closely matches your skintone and your undertone, you can probably get away w this a lot easier.

CHANGE YOUR MAKE-UP BRUSHES AND SPONGES OFTEN! like please. PLEASE. i know we all Love to build up and are Lazy As Hell but then maybe invest in some disposable sponges or something bc for the sake of hygiene. please.

USE SUNSCREEN. idc if youre lightskinned or darkskinned, USE SUNSCREEN. even if youre medium-dark skinned, youre not gonna be immune to skin cancer. harsh sunlight also makes your skintone uneven and usually makes my skin overproduce oil. i really like biore’s sunscream stuff bc it’s very light, there’s a non-scented option and it also doubles as a make-up base (they have a few so you gotta have a look through).

FACE MASKS! i also struggle w The Depression and its really tough for me to maintain an immaculate skincare routine, so rather than investing in like 16 tubs of facemasks i have 1 tube of clay mask (mine is from origins bc i bought this a Long While Ago while i still had money, but any clay mask is good!) and then i bought a WHOLE BUNCH of sheet face masks from the face shop because ... you guessed it ... they’re parabens free! and super cheap! using a hot compress before the mask helps bc your pores open up! i usually make myself a nice mug of tea and switch my a/c on and then slap that facemask on and do some replies. but try and do a facemask at least once every two weeks. i use mine once a week to once every two weeks, depending on how bad my depression is. target the facemask you choose to the particular problems your skin has; mine are usually hydrating facemasks (bc hydration!!! and really hydrating your skin goes a LONG WAY wrt to oil control) but i also have a few firming and brightening ones bc my skin can feel a little dull sometimes. ALSO, clay masks get a Lot Of Shit so i’m gonna just tell you quickly -- YES, they do make your skin break out the first few times you use it, but over time, it will REALLY HELP trust me! your pores? minimised. your skin? clear and glowing. your oil? controlled. if your skin is super sensitive and does not react well to store-bought masks, feel free to make some of your own natural ones! i really love making a maduka honey mask -- if you add sugar to it, it becomes a mask that also doubles as a scrub. a natural yoghurt mask is also a BLESSING and adding some oats to it also makes it double as a scrub. you could use natural aloe or use tomatoes and throw some sugar in them. PLEASE DON’T USE COCONUT OIL AS A MASK IT WILL CLOG YOUR PORES!!! don’t use masks that hurt bc you peel them etc because i always find tht it makes my skin immediately produce way more oil than it needs to compensate or smth lmao so NO to charcoal masks and stuff like that.

try and use something different for day and night. super tough esp if youre (like me) super lazy to do shit but during the day, i usually use an aloe vera gel moisturiser and, at night, i use bio oil to hydrate, minimise pores and also help with acne scarring, and tea tree oil gel to target acne-prone areas on my face and help combat acne before it starts up. find something that works for you!!!

a lot of skincare is trial and error, trying to find what works for YOU personally might not be something that works for others; i rarely get cystic acne, for example, so my skincare routine doesn’t really target that and so some parts might not work as well for people who do have cystic acne (esp since i often hear that clay masks really fuck up ppl who have cystic acne which makes sense bc in the beginning clay masks make acne worse before it gets better). try some stuff out and see what works for you after a month or so of a trial period.

skincare takes time! i don’t mean in the obvious way like you need to take time out of your day to do stuff, but i mean, it takes TIME for the results to show. you’ll have to do stuff now bc it’ll pay off later. it’ll be rough when you’re trying new stuff in the beginning but it might work out for you over a longer period of time. don’t switch products and stuff TOO OFTEN bc it’ll screw up your skin more.

it’s okay if you miss things or don’t do your routine every single day or just Can’t. it’s okay. it’s just skin care, and skipping a day or two won’t really make A Huge Difference. you can continue tomorrow.

i hope some of this helps? idk this is just what’s worked for me over the years but yeah. feel free 2 add comments as necessary. :*

#outofcharacter.#this is a Strange Question 2 ask me: the gal masquerading as a pepperoni pizza #but here we are i hope this helps u :*#Anonymous

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epajournal · 7 years

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