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rosalind-hawkins · 1 month

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Yay, my first ever ask to someone!

Because I know you love him as much as I do, I'm sure you'll probably won't even have to think very long about the answers: Of course, I'm choosing Duke for the character ask game :D I'd be very much interested in 4, 9, 10, 11, 21, 22, 24 – but of course, choose wichever ones you like or make it everything <3 And for the freebie question a little headcanon: What would be a typical phrase you imagine him saying all the time?

OMG Honored to be your first! <3 <3 <3 And you're right, I always love talking about Duke. Sincerely shocked how little attention he gets overall. And as predicted, I answered way more questions than you asked lol. Enjoy!

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

The cheerleaders. I just, oh boy, wow. Please tell me those girls put those uniforms on themselves and he didn't ask them to. That would be so cringe. >.<

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

So, his English VA, Marc Thompson, does the audiobooks for the Star Wars "Fate of the Jedi" book series that my husband and I are listening to, so I find myself frequently picturing Duke in Star Wars outfits during my Duke Devlin Star Wars Storytime. XD

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

Cherry Pie by Warrant, cause I imagine him jamming out to it in his classic car. See also Question 12.

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

Fandom doesn't do enough with him for me to have an answer to this question, but I have seen people giving him new outfits, which I adore. Yes, dress this boy up, he loves it!

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

Yes, I appreciate the YGOTAS theme song jokes as much as the next dude, but if you try to find Duke scenes on Youtube, that's all you can find. :(

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

Absolutely. I headcanon that he's really tidy with his personal space, and we could take turns making dinner (thank you Season Four for telling us that he's a good cook).

10. Could you be best friends with this character?

Quite possibly, yeah. I have some creative indie side projects of my own, and I feel like he'd have good feedback if I needed another set of eyes on some new character designs or plot-points. I will also be hitting him up for haircare tips all the time lol.

11. Would you date this character?

If I weren't married and I had a chance, absolutely yes. Don't know if it would work out long-term, but it would be fun.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

I headcanon that he's a big Adam Lambert fan and sings his music in the shower (and everywhere else he sings). Try listening to the Adam Lambert cover of Holding Out For A Hero and try telling me it doesn't have Duke-like levels of drama and flare, I dare you. Other AL songs I think he'd specifically jam to are Fever, Strut, The Light, and Pop That Lock. I don't always have headcanons for a character's taste in music, but I just get really strong vibes on what he's into. I also think he'd listen to a lot of classic rock.

Another few songs that will go on my Duke playlist when I get around to making it: You Put A Spell On Me and Dangerous Hands both by Austin Giorgio, Fangs by Neoni, 100 degrees by Kenzie, basically everything by Steven Rodriguez (there's not a lot, but it's all so sexy), and Play With Fire by Sam Tinnesz ft. Yacht Money.

Okay, I admit defeat, Duke Devlin Playlist Post coming soon. (Songs he listens to, not songs about him.)

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

I'm not going to pick just one, I can't, but I'll give you my top ships: Mastershipping (Kaiba), Minorshipping (Ryou), Snareshipping (Joey). Poly ships: Mumbleshipping (Kaiba + Ryou), Rollshipping (Joey + Ryou), and Petshipping (Kaiba + Joey). Okay, that's just... all my Duke ships. XD But they're all so good!

I'm intrigued by the idea of Ishizu x Duke, which doesn't have a name. I'm not sure they really know what to make of each other, but I think that keeps them intrigued with each other. I think a first date with them, or even just a flirting scene, could be real fun. She's serious and scholarly, he's fun and free-spirited. They could balance each other.

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

Him and Tristan, Chaseshipping I think. I think they could be friends just fine, I just don't see the chemistry there.

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

I'm leaving out ship characters for the sake of this question.

I actually think he and Mai could be really good pals, they'd go shopping and talk about bfs/gfs and have a good time. They also both own convertibles, so you know they have some of the same tastes.

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

One thing that's always fun for me is Duke's flirting. Can't say I'm a master of writing flirtation, but I do my best to make Duke look like a master of it, because he is. I do generally just love writing him so much, though. He's one of the least angsty characters that I write, so he always puts me in a happier headspace.

In my fic Rock Bottom, he's a solid friend to Seto without being too nosy, which Seto appreciates so much. They understand each other on an intellectual level, but even after Seto's like "no thanks" to a relationship, Duke makes it clear that he's always free to change his mind in a no-pressure way. He's supportive but not nosy. I've got a chapter coming up (spoilers) in RB Season Three where Seto just needs somewhere to chill and lay low, hide from reality, and Duke's like, "I won't say a word to anyone that you're here, it's fine, no explanation needed, just take a deep breath pal." Doesn't ask what's going on, just takes him in for the night. (Also negotiates him into cuddles, but that's separate lol.)

He's just there for people, doesn't need answers (unless things are bad enough that some kind of involvement is just necessary).

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to this character? Something you don't like?

I like when people fill out the details of him balancing his responsibilities between his game shop and managing DDM, or flesh out his relationship with Pegasus even if it's not central to the story. There's just so much more to this boy that we don't get to see, and that stuff just feels like such a necessary backdrop to the rest of his life.

23. Favorite picture(s) of this character?

DSOD did this boy right. He's just so pretty. :')

But also, look at this boy pretending to read while he eavesdrops. And he set up that hammock so dang high off the ground? Looking down on everybody? No, boy has the high ground, tactical advantage. I love him.

And wait, what's that? The most Mastershipping moment in the entire anime, you say? Show me!

Oh. Oh dear. ;P But, for so many reasons, I'll genuinely never get over this scene.

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

I'm gonna try to stick to canon behaviors and traits for this and not let headcanons influence it too much.

ZEN/Hyun Ryu from Mystic Messenger has the same "I'm pretty and I know it" vibe as Duke and shares the casual-but-constant flirting behavior (also ponytail bros). This is a fun comparison for me because their hair and eye colors are also exact opposites.

From Nanbaka, I'd have to go with Uno, who can be abrasive at times with his enemies/rivals, doesn't let his friends fight alone, and shares the "ladies love me, I know I'm pretty, look at how well I take care of my luscious long hair" confident attitude. Also like Duke, there's a good few times where a friend is doing something/rash or unwise, and he tries to talk reason to them. Also obsessed with games, so they have that hobby in common. He also compulsively flirts with every woman in the vicinity (except the warden, because she's terrifying and he knows better). Real smooth operator, even with the dudes.

From UtaPri, I'd have to go with Ren Jinguji. Look, they're even hammock bros! Exceptionally confident, but also a bit mysterious. Flirty with the ladies, not that he even needs to try that hard. Actually pretty laid back and down to earth most of the time.

He also just moves the way I imagine Duke moving, with that fluid grace of a man's who's totally comfortable in his own skin. Just look at him!!!! LOOK AT THE HIP! *chefs kiss*

Another thing all these boys have in common is a strong fashion sense in addition to a strong sense of showmanship (ZEN as an actor and Ren as an idol, this is obvious, but Uno just can't help showing off lol), two great traits that Duke also has.

26. FREEBIE QUESTION!!

Honestly, I can imagine him using "yo" a lot, not exactly a phrase, but a slang term. If anyone tells him something like "that's not cool anymore" he just responds with "it is when I say it ;)"

If we're leaning into my headcanons of him as a good cook, maybe he sometimes uses "now we're cooking with gas!" He probably has to explain this to Tristan and/or Joey, which launches him into the discussion of gas vs electric stoves. He's a strong believer in gas stoves being superior. I wouldn't say he's a snob when it comes to cooking, but there's certain things in the kitchen that he has a strong opinion on.

Bonus Headcanon

Duke Devlin's top Halloween Costumes: some kind of imp/demon/devil (let your imagination run wild with this one, because he definitely did), one of his Monster World OCs, the Phantom of the Opera, vampire, ninja.

#ask #answered ask #headcanon #duke devlin #ryuji otogi #otogi ryuji #song recommendation #musings #long post #thank you again for letting me talk about him more #i love him so much #i do recommend the “Fate of the Jedi” series to any Star Wars fans #it's good old canon stuff

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entishramblings · 4 years

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The Bewilderment of Alluring Attraction [Fellowship X Reader]

A.N: hey guys! This one shot is based off of this one of my imagines! It was really fun to write and helped me work through/explore an aspect of myself. I hope you all enjoy it!! Please let me know what you think!

Request: none

Pairing: its complicated? none really?

Summary: A female human warrior joins the fellowship. She’s a complete badass and a flirt. In addition to this she is bisexual (though no one knows...yet)!!!

DISCLAIMER: please do not misinterpret Legolas’s confusion for homophobia or biphobia!! It is intended to be that Legolas, as unexposed to anything other than strict elvish customs, is just confusion and is more like OMG WHAAaaa!!!!

Word Count: 1,065

Warnings: none

(gif not mine)

MASTERLIST

It was early morning; the sun had just begun to peak out from the horizon to wake the rest of nature from its deep slumber. The crisp wind assisted, as it blew between the sleeping bodies of the fellowship, allowing chills to run though their bones. Well, it danced among those that were sleeping. Legolas and Aragorn were awake preparing the bags for the days journey, while (Y/N) sharpened her long silver sword.

“(Y/N), get them up! We must keep moving if we want to keep hidden from Sauron’s watchful eye.” Aragorn stated.

The human warrior nodded and began to shake her companions awake one by one. When she got to the last person, a mischievous smile pulled at her lips. She bent down and brought her mouth close to Boromir’s ear. She lowered her voice and whispered in a teasing tone, “Time to arise, Gondorian. You cannot lay there looking sexy all day.” She made sure she spoke in such a way that added an appealing and alluring ring to her words.

Boromir’s peaceful face was disrupted by a slight smirk that whispered upon his lip. Satisfied, she stood up and turned away, only to bear witness to Legolas’s wide eyes and shocked expression.

Damn elf ears.

The blonde elf was entirely forged of something proper and conservative. He was by far a traditionalist and spoke to others with only to utmost respect, likely drilled into his head since he was young.

Quite a boring existence if you asked (Y/N). She preferred to live in the state of excitement and amusement, anything less was as bland as lembas bread.

She slung her dark leather bag over her shoulder and walked towards the elf Prince. A smug grin formed upon her mouth as she got closer. The alarm and trepidation pooling in Legolas’s blue eyes was prominent, and it only enhanced with every one of (Y/N)’s steps on the soft soil. Oh this was gonna be fun.

(Y/N) spoke softly so only his elven ears could capture the sound, “Don’t look so shocked, Princeling. You’ll rupture a blood vessel.” With that she reached out with one hand and squeezed his firm ass.

He jumped as he was completely startled and embarrassed. His cheeks flushed and the tips of his ears turned the color of a rose. Lucky for Legolas, the only one to witness this interaction was Aragorn. The Dúnedain shook his head in amusement as he tried to hide his chuckle, for the fearful expression that rested upon the elven warrior’s face was quite humorous.

It took a moment for the flustered elf to move. Never had he met a human, or anyone for that matter, that was so provocative and exacerbating. He knew enough about the human race to know she was definitely a dissident renegade; no normal human, especially a women, would be so openly controversial to the esteemed manners of society. Of course, this was not Legolas’s only hint of (Y/N)’s strangeness. She was a highly skilled female warrior—something unheard of to the race of men—and she always had an outrageous amount of weapons hidden in the crevices of her clothing. Furthermore, she was lethal and offered no restrain when she fought. She had no regard for authority and often spoke her mind, which included cursing profusely when she was frustrated. (Y/N) was bold and fearless which was a quality Legolas found admirable, but he would never be unfazed by her ill-disciplined behavior.

..........

Much time had passed since that specific incident and many more had occurred, but nothing could have prepared the elven Prince for the shock of his lifetime.

The battle of Helms Deep had been fought and won. The losses weighed heavy on their hearts, but they would not let those lives be taken in vain. So, the fighters of Rohan and others that had assisted were celebrating their victory.

Legolas had seen humans drink and he knew how careless they could be, but he had never seen (Y/N) drink. She was sloppy and, quite frankly, a hazard. The female warrior brought tankard after tankard of ale to her lips, downing it within minutes. The pale orange liquid spilled from her mouth and dribbled down her chin and shirt as she laughed and smiled brightly. When she danced, it sloshed in her cup and flew onto the clothing of many—including the Legolas.

But this is not what stunned the elf the most. It was when (Y/N) laid eyes on Éowyn when the elf had the most considerable surprise.

(Y/N) stood next to Aragorn and Legolas, her drink in hand; they were discussing numerous topics as they came to mind.

When she spoke, interrupting Aragorn, her eyes were filled with lust and interest. “Who is that?!”

The Dúnedain‘s brows furrowed in confusion as he followed her line of sight. He lifted a tankard of ale to his lips before answering, “Éowyn, Lady of Rohan.”

(Y/N) raised her eyebrows as her teeth pulled on her lower lip. “Damn....that women is more gorgeous than silver elven blades.” Her tone was one of attraction and desire.

Legolas was no expert in human emotions, but he could hear (Y/N)’s heart racing and see the lust and eagerness present in her body language.

(Y/N)’s pupils were dilated and her eyes were fixed in anticipation. Her tongue snaked over her bottom lip as she gazed at the attractive women. (Y/N) wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

She turned towards her two friends and ran a hand through her hair, “Alright, how do I look?”

Legolas’s brows furrowed in confusion, “You look as you always do—“

She interrupted him, “Great.” She paused to take another gulp of ale. She then slammed her tankard against Legolas’s chest and he instinctively grasped into it.

“Wish me luck boys!” She stated simply before strutting over to the blonde maiden.

As she approached Éowyn reality dawned on the Elven Prince. His eyes widened and he immediately turned to the Dúnedain. He spoke with slight alarm and distress, “Aragorn, are humans attracted to other humans of the same gender? Is this a normal custom?”

Aragorn chuckled and a smirk tugged at the corner of his lips. Of course (Y/N) was bisexual, and of course the sheltered elf was so confused.

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yourmajestythequeenn · 5 years

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Confessions Chapter 10

Confessions Chapter 10 ~ Spellbinding

Confessions Masterlist

Em’s Masterlist

Warnings: Fluff, Wand Duel

Pairings: Rose x Scorpius, Albus x OC

The corridors are clogged with people, most of whom are dressed in Gryffindor or Slytherin gear in leu of the game.

If I hadn’t had a tight hold on Al’s hand, we would have lost each other in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, the sea of witches and wizards meandering the halls, parts down the middle. A group clothed in Slytherin colors stalks down the space made for them. I look around. Al and I are the only ones who haven’t glued ourselves to the walls.

The Slytherin formation breaks and a raven-haired figure breaks from the center of the group.

Of course, Gweneviere Sterling.

In all her ‘magnificent’ glory.

She moved to the UK during our second year. Her daddy is a bazillionare. Her family owns a wizard beauty shop chain in the states.

Anyway, she is a Slytherin, a very stereotypical one at that.

Evil, cunning, heart breaking, fame-hogging, boyfriend-stealing slag. Do I need to go on?

Although the Potter/Weasley family fame is on a much different level than the Sterling family’s celebrity, Gwen doesn’t like sharing the spotlight. And you better believe she lets us know it. From day one she took the reins, wizards have worshiped at her perfectly manicured toenails, witches dream of being friends with her, she gets perfect scores and all the teachers adore her. It’s sickening.

Even though the hag has everything she could possibly want, what is the one thing she wants but can’t buy?

James Potter.

That’s right, the bloody slag wants my cousin.

"Rose," her nasally American accented voice drips poison. By this time in my inner monologue, Gwen had strutted up to Al and me, giving us a once over.

"Gweneviere," I hiss back, my eyes narrowing down to slits.

"Well isn’t this cute, the ginger and Baby Potts." That’s what she calls Al. "Out for a morning stroll around the pond are we?"

“I think you better slink back to that swamp you crawled out of, Gwen," I step forward.

Al touches my shoulder, gently but firmly holding me back. "Rose…come on let’s get out of here."

"No," I whisper, "Not a chance."

"Tsk, Tsk, Rose. Haven’t you realized by now? There is nothing you and your maggot family can do to hurt me," she announces.

I stand my ground, narrowing my eyes at the hag. She raises her perfectly waxed brows, giving me a half-smirk.

I know I can take the bitch down in a physical fight, but we are well matched when it comes to a magical duel.

"Rose!" Al whines from behind me.

"Oh, is that what you think? I think you would be a lovey toad, don’t you Al?" I counter. I fight the temptation to pull out my wand.

"Listen to him Weasley, wouldn’t want to get your face ruined even more than it already is." She flexes her fingers like a cat.

Yeah, like she could take me down. I live with the Weasley’s, she’s a twig.

"Bring it," I hiss, my fingers itching to grab my wand from my boot. That’s where I keep it since I’ve spent too many Galleons having my wand repaired from sitting on all the time.

"Your funeral," she smirks pulling her wand from her back pocket.

"Rose," Al whispers. "Stop, don’t do this."

I ignore his protests, snatching my wand from my boot, pointing it directly at Gweneviere’s heart.

"Expelliarmus!" she shouts, I duck quickly out of the way, the spell narrowly missing my head.

"Furnunculus!" I cry, sending the spell hurtling at her.

"Protego" she flicks her wand and the spell shoots back at me.

"Finite Incantatem!" I yell and the spell dissolves in front of me. "Rictusempra!" I shout sending another hex her way.

"Confund-" the spell is just leaving her lips when a shout down the hall stops her.

"Finite Incantatem! Expelliarmus!" A deep voice commands, Gweneviere’s and my wands fly from our fingers into the hand of the newly revealed person.

Uncle Harry.

"Dad?" Al questions looking very confused.

"Harry Potter," an excited voice shouts from among the hoard of people.

"Who?"

"It’s Harry freaking Potter!"

"OMG!"

"No way!"

"Harry Potter!"

"Who?"

"Harry freaking Potter!"

"Uncle Harry, what are you doing here?" I manage to say over the shocked shouting of my fellow students.

"Well besides stopping you ladies from dueling," he smiles, "I’m here to watch the first Quidditch game of the season." His gaze turns to Al who looks slightly embarrassed, "What? Do you think I would miss my son play Quidditch as captain for the first time?"

Al turns even redder.

"Al, Rose come with me," he looks stern for a moment. "Everyone enjoy the game!" His face brightens into a forced smile as he ushers us from the corridor.

"Dad!" Al exclaims.

"What Al?" Harry sounds slightly annoyed.

"What are you really doing here?" Al questions. This has been on my mind also. Harry is a workaholic. He has never been at the school for any games, even when Teddy Lupin was made captain and he’s like Uncle Harry’s son. Not that Uncle Harry doesn’t like Quidditch, he was captain of the Gryffindor team also, and he and Aunt Ginny were on the Holyhead Harpy’s team for a while.

"Strictly Ministry business, I’m here on an assignment. End of story." Uncle Harry sticks his pointer finger up to push his glasses up further on his nose. "Now I’m off to Minerva’s office, I’ll see you later. And Rose, no more fights, you hear me?" he hands me back my wand and heads back down the corridor. Leaving us alone.

Al turns to me. "What on Merlin’s bleeding Earth were you thinking?"

"I-I I don’t know," I stutter out.

"But Gweneviere?" He questions.

"Come on let’s go," I huff.

Thank you for following Confessions for 10 Chapters!

Please comment or reblog if you’ve enjoyed this chapter

Feedback feeds my writing, and I love to know what my readers are thinking.

Much love,

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vertigoambrosia · 6 years

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shotgun’s back

not feeling this new wxw now intro at all

is it mean to say that this and the new shotgun opening feels like the editors jus ttook a motion graphics class?

RISE!

lmao tarkan legititamtely thinks he’s a lion

‘i went to africa to visit my family’

lmaooo how did lucky pass a driving test

also nice to know there is an official rise car

haha the smile on julian’s face when avalanche mentions putting jayfk through tables

what

no!

i do not like this match at all!

no triple threats! no more 3 way tag matches!

the last thing the world needs is another 3 way between these guys

smart of tarkan to not try and give a wordy promo for lucky

why isn’t tko a heel he looks like a douche

a douche vs everyone’s perfect boy

wow lucky totally almost licked that girl’s finger

a sportsman like fistbump

hah even tas had to laugh at lucky

now this child is strutting like he’s rick rude or something

did tarkan teach him that

imagine tarkan talking to lucky about women

ok really it’s just the backwards hat & white rapper aesthetic that makes me think of tko as a douche

awwww those little lucky fans

this is another instance where it’s hard to actually see tarkan’s interference

ugh emil still looks like my boss

that was an awkward segment

mystery is splelled with two ys

oh great here’s this douchebag

‘i launched in the sun’ somehow i think that’s...not what andy meant

i don’t believe andy is book smart

idk who should win this match; it’d seem really predictable if marius won

woah those new chyrons...no

the lowercase and the font are terrible

but anyway, and if veit wins, where does marius go from here?

also i do not approve of veit shaving his head

huh. i’d have thought veit would have gotten more offense in - it felt like it was mostly al ani all the way through

omg everyone with a neck pillow thinks it’s the BIGGEST SECRET HACK

i like how shotgun sometimes shows people we dont usually see togther hanging out

the backstage of this venue has some great mise en scene

oh i see timo sheisstheiss in the corner of the shortcut match graphic!

poor tommy never has any fucking idea

lucky is far too playful compared to ninja & fan boy marius al ani

‘his 100 situps’ lol

did tarkan slap him on the back or the ass

why do boys hit each other on the butt

can we talk about how marius’ fear is more a famiscile of samurai armor than anything a ninja would wear?

this coy lil strut

ok i love how the crowd is treating the leg clutch as a submission

lmaoooo tarkan’s face as lucky’s fucking around

the same sequence of silly lucky stuff in the same order is a tiny bit old though

i mean, i always laugh, but i hope he figures out how to vary it up a little

kinda like how yano could do the same shit forever and it was still funny

waht wait is this

this is not good wht would you spltiscreen this

also -- what the fuck is the room pete is in?

TARKAN YOU FOOL

also lol alan mistook felix for tas

how the f was that not a dq?

weird for him to get tapped out instead of marius hitting him with a move while he’s reeling

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admittedlynotspartacus · 7 years

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“Game of Thrones” Season VII: Episode 5 - Let’s Do the Time Warp Again

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and who finally stopped rowing, turn back now.

THE ROAD TO KING’S LANDING

So right from the get-go, we have Bronn and Jaime popping up like -

And Bronn’s pretty much just like -

But most importantly, the man who was sinking to the bottom of the river at the end of last episode swam to safety with full armor and a golden hand!

But if you want logic, look elsewhere because D&D spent an entire episode last season with Arya doing parkour and now THEY HAVE NO TIME!!!

P-Dinky is the only one looking for Jaime, which seems crazy considering he was like the general of the Lannister army and seems like an important enemy, but whatever. And honestly, maybe P-Dinky’s not even looking for him, he could totally just be like -

Anyway, it matters not because the Dothraki are marching all the Lannisters to D-Baby like -

except at the top of the rock is a giant hungry dragon and a crazy lady who’s like “I’m not here to murder you” when just a few hours ago she was like -

She’s predictably giving her same old “Bend the knee or die” spiel, and some people bend the knee but then the dragon’s like -

and totally torches Daddy Tarly and Dickface.

and then all the non-believers are like -

KING’S LANDING

Jaime used the teleportation device and struts into Cersei’s room looking like he just did a full day of Tough Mudder. And Cersei’s like, “Don’t worry bro, we’re gonna beat her.” But Jaime’s, like, “Shut your mouth. Pack your bags.

DRAGONSTONE

D-Baby is back on her dragon, which is charging full fucking speed at J-Snow like -

But J-Snow just whips out his inner Caesar Milan like -

and Drogon's instantly like -

And lemme tell you, D-Baby slides off that dragon like -

#MustLoveDragons.

By the way, did you know that D-Baby thinks of her dragons as her children?

D&D just wanted to drop that little nugget in there one more time before Jorah Mormont pops up like -

And suddenly Dragonstone just got a lot like -

I’m Team Jorah. Always.

Somewhere in here there’s also a scene with Varys where’s he’s basically just like -

WINTERFELL

Bran’s taking a break from reciting Jaden Smith tweets to summon all the Winterfell ravens like -

and they’re flying for a long time. And they’re just kinda like, Snow. Wall. Then boom. White Walkers.

And Bran’s spying and it’s totally going well until the fucking Night King is just like -

OLDTOWN

But Bran does send a raven to Oldtown, which of course causes MORE heartbreaking conflict between Sam and National Treasure Jim Motherfucking Broadbent. And more importantly, more Harry Potter references. Because Sam is basically like, “Be brave, Professor. Be brave like my mother.” And you can tell NTJMFB wants to just be like -

But alas, he’d be rocking the boat of the other maesters too much.

So Sam runs to the Restricted Section, he grabs a bunch of scrolls and shit, he takes Gilly, he takes Little Baby Boyhood and he’s just like -

DRAGONSTONE

J-Snow also gets a raven, and at first he’s like, “OMG Bran’s alive!” OMG ARYA’S alive!” And we think J-Snow may actually have to deal with legit emotions, but then he’s just like, “Winter is coming.”

So P-Dinky comes up with a plan to do a private screening of An Inconvenient Truth for Cersei in the form of J-Snow and Jorah... going to capture... a wight? And like... bringing it to her... to show her...???

KING’S LANDING

Part of the above plan is that Davos will smuggle P-Dinky into King’s Landing to meet with Jaime so they can get the audience for the screening. So they use the teleportation device to get there in no time flat, of course. And the bro reunion goes about as awkwardly as imagined.

Meanwhile, Davos is like, “I have business in Fleabottom. And we’re all like -

Sure enough it’s Him...

But of course D&D ruin the moment real quick by having Davos literally say, “Wasn’t sure I’d find you. Thought you might still be rowing.”

In actuality, he does have a point; you’d expect his arms to be a LITTLE bigger.

But really, he hasn’t been rowing all that time. He’s been forging shit, but all the while like -

So he’s like, “Fuck this. I’m ready,” and he takes out this giant hammer that literally looks like an inflatable toy I had when I was a child. Except it super fucks up these two Monty Python guards when Davos fails to distract them with a Viagra pitch.

Jaime brings the Al Gore news to Cersei, who’s suddenly open to it.

And she’s got some more news as well -

DRAGONSTONE

Gendry and Davos are fucking back, and truly someone is gonna open up a fucking alternate dimension with all this time-hopping, MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULDN’T HAVE SPENT SO MUCH DAMN TIME WITH PODRICK SLAYING VADGE IN KING’S LANDING BACK IN SEASON THREE!!! But more importantly J-Snow meets Gendry and he’s like, “You look leaner.” And Gendry’s like, “You look shorter.”

WINTERFELL

So remember how last week Arya was like -

Yeah, now she’s like -

Because conflict. So later on when Littlefinger is being Littlefinger and creeping around, Arya’s sneaking around after him like-

Like, girl. You trained with Faceless Assassins for TWO FUCKING SEASONS. This is the best you can do?!?

Anyway, Littlefinger totally knows what she’s doing, because she’s literally just hiding behind pillars.

So he leaves something for her in the form of the letter the Small Council made Sansa write to Robb in Season 1 begging him to bend the knee. In other words, it’s gonna fuel Arya’s newfound suspicion of her sister. Naturally, Littlefinger is pleased.

EASTWATCH

Our last fucking stop on our whirlwind tour of Westeros this week is Eastwatch, which for being the title of the episode is a very brief stop. We’ve got all the dudes here - J-Snow, Jorah, Gendry, and Davos meeting with Tormund, who’s really hung up on Brienne.

They team up with even more dudes when Tormund reveals he’s imprisoned Beric Dondarrion, The Hound, and The Dude. So they’re gonna join in on this wight expedition.

And then they’re off. Beyond the wall. And from there, it’s a Michael Bay wet dream.

BODY COUNT: 4 (RIP Daddy Tarly and Dickface) BOOB COUNT: None EPISODE GRADE: B

SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS

Nobody says “Cunt” like Bronn.

Right from the get-go, there’s a curve-ball with the War of the Two Queens - we all kinda figured this season would end with an all-out brawl between Cersei and Daenerys, right? Now that seems unlikely, at least in a militaristic sense.

Daenerys is turning evil clue: Just last week she was all, “I’m a ruler because people chose me,” but now she’s forcing people to bend the knee out of fear. That said, I expected more to be done with Tyrion’s feeling icky about the whole situation. It felt like we were being set up for more conflict there that vanished around the halfway point of the episode.

Daenerys doesn’t know Jon is a Targaryen, so her driving Drogon straight at him is pretty crazy. I mean, we gotta believe if he hadn’t dog-whispered it it would have eaten him, right? What the fuck was her move there?

We’ve only seen three people interact with dragons as Jon did this episode. He did it, Daenerys has done it, and Tyrion. There’s been a long-standing book theory that Tyrion is a Targaryen. And the dragon does have three heads.

The whole wight thing seems really stupid, right?

And another stupid thing: the key to Jon’s parentage randomly hiding in a book in Oldtown. But cleverly done, I think, with Sam ignoring it. So you gotta figure both Bran and he are needed to reveal the truth to Jon - Bran knows that he’s not a bastard - that he’s a Targaryen, and Sam (with Gilly’s info) will know that Rhaegar didn’t abduct and rape Lyanna - it was a consensual love affair.

Sansa will be queen theory proof: Once again being the one person thinking about the realm and the future as opposed to what will be best for the moment at hand.

I loved pretty much everything about Gendry’s re-entrance - the Jon-him dynamic mirroring their fathers’ most of all. And I’m amending my Sansa is queen at the end, Tyrion is her hand, to adding Gendry on as Sansa’s king. It would be the Baratheon-Stark marriage that was meant all along, plus a Lannister (possibly Targaryen) on the side.

This pregnancy news is crazy after I brought up her possibly dying in childbirth last week. Do we believe it? It’s a huge power play on Jaime regardless of its legitimacy.

Where’s Theon?

Where’s Uncle Freddie Mercury?

Where’s Barack? Isn’t Michelle worried?

All right, so we gotta figure there will be some casualties in the North during what seems destined to be another big money episode. I’m calling J-Snow safe, same with Gendry or else why bring him back? Anyone else could go, although Beric or Thoros wouldn’t sting much. But Tormund, Davos, or Jorah going might be happening...

NEXT WEEK: Hardhome: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.

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