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youwontlikethisblog · 3 years

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How Was I Supposed To Know!

When Betty got her new look Armando had to place her feelings before his own. He had to make himself not only think about his own interest but also Betty's and learn to talk to her as a person instead of just his assistant that he confides in.

As both Betty and Armando said they had a cerebral relationship so their topics of conversation didn't go into the personal, at least Betty's didn't. Armando has always been open about his commitments to the family, Marcela, and Eco Moda and the struggles that come with that to Betty. He has tried to resonate and explain his side of things and as he says, he likes explaining himself to Betty.

So far their relationship has always been one sided. Betty is the one that is constantly giving in terms of emotional support and time while Armando doesn't really sacrifice much, in fact he doesn't sacrifice at all(And saying that he sacrifices himself by kissing Betty etc. isn't a sacrifice he's doing selflessly, but selfishly so it doesn't count as one). He was trying to to be careful of his temper way before he was aware that he could have feelings for her. He didn't always stick by that but there was an attempt at it but that's not enough.

The day Betty went to get her Make-Over Armando was already busy thinking of her. When Freddy asked him to not fire Aura Maria for being tardy again Armando said "Look Betty" looked confused, shook his head and then proceeded to talk about the subject at hand.

When Betty arrived to Eco Moda and he saw her he didn't react on the spot, in fact when he got mad that she had interrupted(honestly it's funny because when they end up sleeping together she ends up interrupting his entire seggs life.) his make out session with Marcela when he saw her reaction all of a sudden the anger vanished and a guilty and concerned expression sat on his face. When Marcela started to make fun of her Armando got angry at her and didn't even continue the flirtatious conversation he had been having with Marcela or make a move to return to kissing her. He gave her his back while in the past he went after her when she'd stop the make out when Betty would interrupt them. This time it's he who doesn't want her.

This starts as a snowball effect. The night before he witnesses people making fun of her and disrespecting her which caused him to get so upset and furious that someone would do that to Betty, again he starts slowly thinking about Betty's feelings before his own.

The next day that carry's on when Patsy Pats, Marcela, and Hugo make more fun of her and it contrast with a previous scene(You Betrayed Me! post and Betty's New Look post). He once more gets angry at them, shows his disapproval and visibly shows that he is on Betty's side on something so personal, even when he doesn't like it because he's thinking about how Betty must feel and he gets upset that people dismiss her or as he says; disrespect her.

What does all of this even have to do with this episode(The morning of Betty's B-Day)?

Armando shows up telling Mario that the previous night Betty was very passionate and that he had to stop her three times, that she said he loved him, that this and that. Y'know classic complaining.

Mario celebrated that Betty said she loved him, that it's what they had been working towards(I've always found it so gross how Mario does feel like he shares in that relationship and in turns Betty(this is a foreshadowing of the future). However, Armando has allowed this and he has welcomed Mario into that relationship and made him a third participant, even if it's by living through it vicariously). I will emphasize that Armando doesn't really go into detail in the scenes we get, he mostly only goes into it when he is being clueless about what to do next or when he's frustrated. Most of the times he withholds giving Mario too much detail, but he still does. It's like one moment he's doing good and I'm cheering him on and then the next he trips and falls backwards like ten steps back and I'm yelling at my screen!

Anyway lets get back to this.

Mario once again makes fun of him and tries to make him uncomfortable with telling him that he needs to put out or tell Betty that he'll do it through telepathy or artificial insemination. Armando tries to explain that he won't ever do that with Betty.

I know I keep explaining this little by little and because of it I keep bringing up stuff that I've already addressed in previous post but this is a slow burn so it's worth it.

Armando has always only ever felt physical attraction with women. What is physical attraction? Physical attraction satisfies the human body's desires and wants. As Armando said in the past; with the models he had been hooking up with he did want to sleep with them but as soon as it was over with he didn't feel anything. This correlates with his borderline s. addiction. We understand how and why he sleeps around with models. He is superficial(obsessed with perfection, especially when it comes to women's body), he has no "real" control over his life or future so he does it to feel like he does have control in choosing who he sleeps with and for escapism of his reality. We understand that so lets move on to the next topic of this subject.

He feels physically satisfied with the models and Marcela but emotionally he no longer does. So when it comes to Betty he deflects all attraction to her because he physically isn't attracted to her(I stress this out in mostly every post lol). However, Armando has a very strong emotional attraction to Betty, one that moves him and motivates him behind the curtains.

What is emotional attraction? Emotional attraction is to satisfy the human's emotional and spiritual body. In other words; one feels a satisfaction when all their emotional, spiritual, cerebral, and none physical needs are met and because of this their attraction continues to grow with that person.

While Physical Attraction is fleeting and not reliable; Emotional Attraction is stable and reliable.

Due to the fact that he has been a man who has only experienced physical attraction to women he ignores his emotional attraction to Betty and because of this spends most of his time confused about his feelings.

I don't want to always be repeating myself so I recommend you guys read(in case y'all haven't yet) my posts Betty, My Betty parts 1-3, Tonight A Dream of Mine Has Come True, You Betrayed Me!, Betty's New Look(I will edit this list in case I missed a post, I've been writing a lot of them lol).

In my post: Betty's New Look, I explained a lot more about Armando's seggsual behavior.

To a certain degree Armando does view Betty as a woman but not to the point where he is eager to jump her bones and it isn't until after they do(😏) that he does become eager for her and because it's all been based on an emotional attraction what he feels for her is something that makes him feel completely satisfied, both physically and emotionally.

Take notice of the previous episodes, when Armando and Betty were having emotionally charged conversations Armando was a bit more welcoming to kissing Betty. Before he fought Roman and Co. they were about to start a make out session(Roman make a joke that they were going to have a free 3x showing and the next day Mario said that if they were making those comments that it meant he and Betty must've been really busy) However days later when they're at the club Armando isn't all that eager to kiss her. He does kiss her but they're half honest kisses. It isn't until later that he's dropping her off, after they've somewhat had a conversation that involves their feelings that Armando welcomes and even initiates the kiss with Betty but when she starts getting eager he pulls away(I Don't Believe He Desires Me Part 2 post) and tells her that they can't get carried away and they have to be careful.

Since Betty tried a new look that same day Armando had to finally accept that he was her boyfriend and in a relationship with her but he also had to learn to take into account Betty's feelings and notice them as well. In that same episode he also had to begin to accept the idea of entertaining the idea of physical interactions with Betty.

This carry's on to the next few episodes. Armando is now somewhat aware of Betty's emotional needs and her desires and he is now personally affected when they are not met, especially when Betty is treated poorly, he takes it very personal.

In a sense one could say that Armando is coming around to the idea that he could possibly be feeling an emotional attraction to Betty.

As Mario and him continue to discuss how to go about cooling off Betty or whatever they hear a commotion outside of his office. The employee's are singing Las Mañanitas to Betty. They exit the office and Armando stops on his tracks as he realizes that they're singing that song to Betty. He visibly starts to breath rapidly and touches his forehead.

Now ironically both Armando and Mario share the exact same expression when they notice that Betty is the one being celebrated(although Mario had that same expression since he left the office lol).

Mario tells him "Ah, Betty's Birthday." Armando looks at him with his mouth opened.

"But I didn't know, she didn't tell me anything." (*1)He seems a bit angry and is still breathing rapidly.

"Well go on, congratulate your girlfriend."

Armando gives him a quick glance but his expression remains the same. He then stares at Betty who is across from the room. He swallows hard and clears his throat.

He no longer wears an expression on his face, even his voice is very professional.

"Betty we didn't know it was your birthday."

Bertha gasps and says "Sir you were the only that wasn't aware because everyone here knew or no?" Everyone agrees with her. Even Mario who is next to Armando says that they all knew. He's lying though because he too had the same surprised expression and now he's doing it to mortify Armando. Armando turns to look at him with wide eyes and his mouth open, he's surprised.

Could you imagine how he feels? His best friend who is a complete and total sleazbag "remembers" that it's Betty's birthday and that he knew all along but he, who is supposed to be the morally gray and better version of Mario, wasn't aware of his assistant's birthday, who so happens to be his girlfriend? He had two very important reasons to remember it. He must feel like crap.

"Listen Betty, allow me to cordiality extend a happy birthday greeting to you." He takes a few steps towards her and it looks like he wants to say and do more until he stops himself and notices everyone around. Betty too took a step or two forward but stopped as well. He slightly bows down and says "Happy Birthday." Betty smiles and nods once. Everyone starts chanting for him to give her a kiss. Armando turns to look at Mario and swallows hard and they awkwardly start to dance.

Betty leans her head up and moves from left to right while he licks his lips and he doesn't know where to kiss her but goes for the top of her head, well her bangs(it honestly looks like he was going to go for the lips for like a brief second lol).

Everyone starts to clap and Freddy, being the life of any party starts to go on a speech.

"Long live the party and the atmosphere of Eco Moda! Sir. Mario Calderón are you going to manifest yourself with another small kiss?"

Mario's expression is with wide eyes and a mouth hung open; shock. Armando looks at him with the same expression he always has in front of the employee's. Poker face however when Mario agrees Armando arches his brow at him. As Mario steps away to go give her a kiss and congratulates her, Armando is looking down and shifts.

After watching this exact same scene many times I find it interesting to say the least. Maybe I am reading too much into it but for the sake of this we'll say I'm not. Remember how Mario reacted when Armando said that Betty told him she loved him? He said that it was what they had been working for. To some degree, because Armando did somewhat share about his nights with Betty, Mario and Armando have been sharing Betty. Mario is incharge of the mechanical/details department and spelling things out for Armando so he can be successful in the relationship while Armando has been incharge of the mental, emotional, and physical department of the relationship. They are both Betty's boyfriend, except she is only aware of one. Mario is very aware of Betty's emotional and even physical needs because of Armando and he is incharge of hyping him up to commit to the plan, though on his part he does it for the sake of his money and his reputation, Armando does it for his ego, his confused feelings and lastly the company his parents funded and started(which involves Marcela and Daniel too and that's a whole other thing).

It also shows us that if Mario had taken Armando up on the plan that he should be the one to make Betty fall in love that he would have done so and even succeeded as he doesn't hesitate, walks towards her with his arms extended, touches her shoulders and gives her a kiss on the cheek all while smiling.

At first I thought, maybe he's amused that Mario now will have to do what he has had to do, or at least get a some taste of his medicine but as one does in body language, lets look at the context.

Before Mario agrees to give Betty a kiss when Freddy asks if he'll give one to her as well, Armando slowly turns to look at Mario with no expression on his face, except his eyes focused on him, when Mario agrees he arches his brow for just a second, as Mario walks with his arms extended towards Betty, he looks down, takes in a breath and closes his eyes.

I'd say there's a mixture of feelings going on here. For one, (*1)he's angry at himself for not remembering or knowing it was such an important day for Betty and two he doesn't like that Mario will kiss Betty, he feels frustrated over it all.

By the next camera frame of Armando we see him giving Hugo his angry face which is squinting eyes and lips on a line. His arms are folded in front of him.

Hugo as always insults Betty but the cuartel starts to chant for him to give her a kiss as well, who says that he won't because he has a cold sore, as he passes by we see Armando keeping his eyes on him, while still slightly squinting them, and his lips in a line but as Hugo gets closer to him his lips get tighter, he closes his eyes for a second or two and when he opens them briefly rolls his eyes and looks at the opposite direction for a second. We know Armando really dislikes Hugo but before at least to he tolerated him, however since the day Betty went and changed her look(for that day) Armando seems to have a special disdain for Hugo.

"Well then Armani, tell me did you give her her kiss already?" Hugo walks behind and stands between Mario and Armando.

Both Armando and Mario share different expressions. While Mario looks like he's throwing himself a self-pity party and wondering where his vanity and ego have gone Armando looks mad.

Marcela has now wrapped a hand around Armando's bicep and with the other she places it on it as well while she stares at him with a smile on her face.

"Yes." he respondes to Hugo, annoyed. His lips are drawn in for a brief moment(pursed lips). Previously he had been staring once again at the opposite direction of Hugo he stands to his left, now he stares to his right, but not at anyone or anything in particular. When he is done responding to Hugo his eyes move to glance at Betty, who looks at Marcela's reaction.

Marcela drops her hands and stares at him with disapproval. Armando once more, stares off to his right, with squinting eyes and lips tight in a line with his hands clasped in front of him.

Betty seems satisfied with Marcela's reaction.

However again, the difference in behavior between Armando and Mario is really interesting. While Mario scoffs but seems amused by Hugo's "jokes" Armando never changes his expression from anger except when he glances at Betty for a second, his eyes slightly widen when he hears Huge say "Ugliness is very contiguous." and then again glances away, squints his eyes, and then glances back at Betty.

Then Hugo proceeds to seggsually harass his bosses by groping their butts. Marcela looks at him amused, Armando widens his eyes but his mouth remains in a tight line and Mario turns surprised at Hugo.

I've got a hate-neutral thing with Hugo if I'm being honest. Whenever he's only interacting with Inesita I laugh at his "jokes", I say "preach" when he lectures Armando and Mario, and sometimes when he interacts with Armando I find him amusing but most of the time he could catch these hands. The actor is amazing. Hugo is a character that I personally don't like but even then I still find some of his scenes crudely funny and I hate that I do.

"Congratulations, Beatriz" Marcela says, Armando glances at Betty once more, his eyes constantly change expression when he looks at her, they go from squinting to softening, but his mouth still remains in a line. Marcela then walks away after Betty thanks her.

Armando then turns to look at Mario who is nodding and looks like he can breathe again,(but his expression that shows the slight smile for a second isn't because he actually does feel relieved, everyone is "laughing" at what Hugo did and he's trying to play it off cool. We know Armando feels uncomfortable with Hugo behaving this way towards him and we know that it affects him deeply(https://youwontlikethisblog.tumblr.com/post/655584505462161408/brutas-la-policia)) however he is still preoccupied with the second problem at hand, Betty's special day(I mean it really is y'all) and him trying to make up for it. However it's him, the not detail oriented at all Armando, who can't remember anything if it saved his life, who isn't very bright when it comes to feelings, he on the spot, in a way that doesn't alert anyone of his affair with Betty, needs to come up with something right there and then without the intervention of his very detail oriented side kick because it would alert Betty that Mario knows.

Armando suggest that they all buy Betty a cake and that they celebrate her birthday later on in the afternoon at the office(going in hand that he wants for Betty to cool off) and looks happy with the suggestion.

"No Sir we already took care of everything." Bertha replies.

"Well in any case, happy birthday, Betty." Armando smiles slightly when he looks at her but as he looks away from her and down his smile falls and he has a solemn expression on his face. He turns and starts to walk slowly.

The girls then start to question Betty about her boyfriend.

"What did he give you?" Sofia asks.

"Nothing yet." Betty replies timidly.

"But I imagine that he called you really early in the morning to sing Happy Birthday my love or no?" Mariana asks.

We get a camera frame of Armando and Mario standing at a distances eavesdropping the conversation. While Mario seems concerned(Remember they still think Nicolas is competition) Armando looks curious and mad as he observes Betty.

"No, minimum he presented himself in the morning and filled you with kisses."

"No, we haven't spoken yet." This implies to Armando that Betty is talking about him, not Nicolas.

"Ay no." Bertha inhales. "What a a downer to have a boyfriend that's not romantic, can you believe that?" While Armando attempts to keep a poker face, his eyes are still focused on Betty and he feels bad. Mario aka Mr. Dimples aka the Love Guru, aka Betty's third boyfriend(if we include Nicolas on the list) looks amused though because he knows he can have a field day with Armando over this.

"Would it be that he doesn't know? But that's crazy, no?"

"Sofia" they gasp.

"Enough Sofia, calm down y'all, don't y'all see that they barely started dating? Lets not ruin Betty's Birthday." Mariana aids Betty.

"Well I think it's really sad. Minimum he should manifest himself later on." Sandra says while Mario and Armando continue to overhear. Armando starts to bite his bottom lip(self soothing) and looks at Mario from the corner of his eyes who gives a slight nod.

They've got their solution!

Armando must manifest himself later on.

The last scenes I'll discuss on this post and will be "brief".

The following scene of Armando and Mario in his office(With the doors closed) show us a very pained Armando who is beating himself up while he gives Mario his back who makes Armando feel a lot worse.

"Did you see? Did you hear? What a disappointing guy." Armando looks pained. He blinks rapidly, grits his teeth and breaths rapidly as well. "See this poor girl finally has a boyfriend and how does he celebrate her birthday?" Armando has his brows furrowed. "with total abcentism and indifference." Armando now squints his eyes and draws in a quick breath while tightening his lips. He now sees that Mario is trying to make him feel worse instead of helping him.

"Enough!" Armando yells at him. "Damnit Calderón!" he walks to the other end of his desk and turns to look at Mario with a sad and defensive look. "I didn't know it was her birthday, I completely forgot(indicates that he actually knew the date) besides it's not like I was supposed to know!" He rebuts. "I was with her 'til midnight and she didn't say anything!" he whispers worried.

"Brother she's a woman. She probably expected that you'd remember. She probably thought that last nights outing was to celebrate her and midnight came around and what happened? Nothing. Nothing" he hisses at the end while squinting his eyes at Armando. "Could you imagine what she's feeling right now?" Armando parts his lips just a bit, he grits his teeth, his eyes squint slightly while his brows furrow and he has his arms folded in front of him. All of this helps us draw the conclusion that he's mad at himself and feels really guilty and worried about it all.

"What happened to your love, you obsession for her?" Mario's tone allows us to know that he isn't really criticizing Armando. He is enjoying his pain and enjoying the control over it.

"Stop criticizing me, Calderón." Armando looks at him annoyed and points at him. He straights up and walks behind his desk. "Stop criticizing me and help me find the solution, yeah? Please." he begs.

Then Mario starts to give him his stupid suggestion which is his version of the Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday to Pres. Kennedy. Armando tells him that he prefers that he give him a card and a gift, that he'd conform to that.

"Yeah of course, a [insignificant] gift and card, a pat on the shoulder and done 'I saw you, good, what a pleasure' done no?"

"Well like Freddy says, forgive me but pardon me, I don't have anything else to offer Betty."

"Man what about an invitation to go out to dinner tonight?"

"An invitation for dinner? Sneak away from Marcela? For what? So she can kill me?" He hisses this = his main problem and unlike before by the lack of "worse/worst" we can conclude that that is biggest worry next to the one he names next "beside with the state Betty's in? No."

"Well yes you went out last night but what happened? Midnight came and you didn't celebrate anything. She continued being more Cinderella than ever before and you? Shun her out all night and you want her to forgive you? With an insignificant gift?"

"Do you not remember the fierce state Betty's was in? Do you not remember that...fire she's had lately?" he asks urgently. "Besides it's her birthday. I won't get out of that if I take her out tonight." He tries to defend.

He feels terrible for his emotional callousness towards Betty and how that has to affect and hurt Betty. Armando has gone through a transformation in the past few episodes where now what ever happens to Betty he feels personally, it's called empathy, but it is magnified by the intensity and growth of his emotional attraction to her and while he gets angry when people disrespect her, he now feels angry at himself that he's the one that's hurting her in that moment and guilty for the pain she might be feeling.

However, when Mario again starts to suggest that he needs to take her out despite her fervent state, Armando's lack of(ignorance of) physical attraction to Betty is highlighted as now he cares more about himself than he does about Betty's feelings.

What does Mario get out of this? Well he obviously doesn't want their hard work to be thrown out the window but that's not really it. Since the start he has always been suggesting or insinuating that Armando sleep with Betty. What does that have to do with the plan? Aside from the fact that he's a deprived man? I think he just wants to make fun of Armando for it and hold it over his head to say "See you're not so perfect, you're worse than I am because at least I don't sleep with "exotic" women I find repulsive and do it for money. I do it with women I don't manipulate like you have with her."

"Man I don't know." Mario throws his hands up in the air. "This is your decision. You're touching very sensitive points in the soul of a woman." He exclaims and points his finger up as emphasize. Armando now looks at him with furrowed brows and wide eyes while he rubs his lips with his fingers(context clues allows us to determined that he does this to self-sooth because he feels stressed). "You could be throwing everything, all of our work, over the ledge. You could be creating a resentment factory just three meters from where you are." He points to her office. " Like that!" He snaps his fingers and Betty enters the office. "Just like that." He continues to snap his fingers and turns to look at her.

"Yeah bring it immediately, don't forget about the thing I made you responsible of." Armando looks worried.

"Yeah. Count on that." Mario nods and looks determined. Betty looks at him nervously and then proceeds to walk towards her office.

Now Armando doesn't look at her, instead he worries his bottom lip, stares at his computer, fidgets with his fingers and thumb and has furrowed brows, indicating stress and guilt.

"Beatriz." He calls out to her, looking up but not towards her. He finally lets his guard down as he drops his hand and shakes his head and worried he asks her " Why, huh?" he finally turns to stare at her and then spins on his chair to her direction "Why didn't you tell me anything?" he stares at her and stands up. "Why didn't you tell me you were turning years? I'm feeling really awful, I didn't know anything." Armando continues with the worried expression and his tone of voice matches this. He does feel really awful about it all.

"Oh sir... I was just embarrassed to." Betty timidly says and looks down and fidgets. Her behavior is a lot like a kid here where she shifts on her feet and sways around gently and stares down with a shy smile on her face.

"How are you going to feel embarrassed over your birthday, Betty? It's a very important date for me." he tries to reason and explain to her. "I wanted to share it with you." he says sincerely.

"Oh Sir, I know you're a very busy person with too many problems like for me to expect that you remember something that is especially really dumb like this." Armando looks hurt over this and also frustrated.

"It's because this isn't dumb for me, not at all. This date isn't dumb for me, Beatriz." He states.

"But it doesn't have an importance, Sir."

"No, for me it does have importance, your birthday is important to me." He is now moving from frustrated to being mad.

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it is." He tries to "play" along.

"No, Sir." Betty timidly smiles and replies.

"I said yes!" He screams at her. "That for me your birthday is important and what? For me it is!" He yells and stares at her with wide eyes, flared nostrils and lips tight and then he realizes that he screamed and yelled at her. "Your birthday is important.." He widens his eyes and walks to sit behind his desk.

"Yes, Sir." Betty looks down and looks hurt over his reaction. She was simply playing around and in her own way flirting with Armando, who doesn't like it when Betty tries to invalidate his feelings, especially when they are related to how he feels about her.

"How embarrassing, Beatriz, I didn't want to yell at you much less the day of your birthday. It's just that it makes me nervous when you tell me-when you don't tell me things." Betty looks at him and studies him(lemme finish his sentence because it actually holds meaning "it makes me nervous when you tell me that I don't feel what I feel." this is all based on context clues so I'm guessing that is what he wanted to say at first).

"Sir" She takes steps towards his desk "If I tell you it isn't it's not so you don't feel guilty over it. It's because for me it really doesn't hold any transcendence so why would it hold that for you?" She smiles.

"How is it that it doesn't hold transcendence for you? Explain that to me because I don't get that."

Remember how I keep pointing out that Armando has always been curious about Betty's personal life slash her intimacy? Here he is asking her a personal question and for the first time Betty is going to give him a glimpse of it.

"Normally when people turn age they make a huge celebration, inviting their friends over to their house, they sing, dance, but I've never been enthusiastic over that, well the only time that I had a birthday party it was because of my parents because I was turning fifteen but it was so so bad, so concurrent, that I never did anything like that for my birthday again." She chuckles.

What has Armando's behavior been like?

At first he was obviously paying attention to her but as she started to talk about her experience he first seemed surprised in an a "oh my god it's happening, nobody panic, it's happening." kind of way and the more she expressed herself, the more he felt for her as his final expression is one of him being sad. The corners of his mouth are down, there's a slight pout on his lips, he stares at Betty with his eyes slightly squinting at her.

"Don't worry, Sir." She smiles and walks to her office.

Armando follows her with his sight but as she shuts the door he stares off somewhere else with his brows now furrowed and his pouting intensifying.

For one he feels like he finally gets something into her personal life and the fact it's something that potentially has such an negative impact for Betty, at least enough to make her not want to ever have another party again, makes him sad. Though Betty didn't say exactly what went wrong, Armando can imagine what it could have been as he too was fifteen at some point and he knows how cruel people can be, especially fifteen year old's so it makes him sad that she's gone through that.

A few scenes later, the girls go ask Betty out for lunch for her birthday. Armando walks to grab a glass of water and starts to eavesdrop their conversation(He do be liking el chisme too, especially when it involves his fav. person, Beatriz Pinzón Solano.) as he hears the girls basically talk ish on her boyfriend for having yet to ask her out or make plans with her for her b-day.

Mariana again tries to aid Betty against the girls critique of her boyfriend.

"Beatriz." Armando calls to Betty, who was on her way to her office to grab her things after the girls left. "I wanted to ask you a favor and that's that you won't make plans for tonight." He stops looking at the book he head been "reading" when the secs. where at the door, and takes a step towards her. "I would love it if we could celebrate your birthday together." He is honest in asking her out.

"Really Sir?" Betty smiles big. Armando seems content with her reaction.

"Well of course, Betty. This is real." He smiles at her.

"Oh Sir but I don't want you to have problems with Ms. Marcela, we already went out last night." She whispers the final part.

"Don't worry about it. I'll take care of Marcela." he smiles and tries to reassure her.

Betty again tries to invalidate his efforts by saying "Ay Sir I don't want you to get into trouble." and Armando reacts classically'; angry Italian chef hand gesture.

"But I'm telling you no, take it easy, so what do we do then? Huh? Lets go out, yeah? Us together. Or what? Do you have some other plan?" He started off frustrated in an angry way and moved on to distrust.

"Nonono how could you think that?"

"I just wanted to know" we hear him say in a low tone.

"We'll see each other later on."

"Betty." He stops her again from walking into her office and winks at her while sending her a kiss via express mail(same day delivery?). Betty then flutters her right eyes and smiles at him and goes into her office.

His reaction after she leaves his him doing an "Ow" expression but he seems at peace with it.

Now moving forward to a new scene but still in the same time frame, Mario walks into his office and asks for any updates and I'm just mentioning this because I find his reaction funny.

Armando clarifies that he's taking Betty out to dinner later on that day and Mario smiles at him and starts to "clap" silently since Betty is in her office.

Compared to earlier in the day, Armando now looks like he's back on his grove. He looks at peace with his relationship with Betty, that she finally shared some personal information with him, they've set up a date, he doesn't feel bad that he forgot her birthday because she told him she didn't want him know(but she did want him to remember, she said so the previous night when her mom asked) and Mario is getting the gift, all is well.

Marcela in classic style then goes to be a controlling and possessive girlfriend once Armando leaves to lunch with Mario and starts to go through his things and finds AA's picture on his desk.

Aura Maria then tries to hype Betty up about her b-day date with her[Betty] boyfriend and that she'll give her tips later on for it.

Dumb Nicolas calls Eco Moda when Betty's off at lunch so he can talk to Patsy Pats again and because he's dumb like that(I love that character but when it comes to Pats I can't stand him) he starts to pretend like he's rich so he can get her attention

Fast-forward some scenes, Betty is back in her office when her phone rings. When she picks up Nicolas is singing "Happy Verde To You" while Don Hermes looks at Nicolas with annoyance.

"Aw Nicolas." Betty says sweetly and we see Armando slowly pick his head up(he was looking at some papers down on his desk that he was signing) and squint his eyes and turn to Betty's office. "I didn't think you'd remember my birthday. Very nice gesture." She chuckles.

For this next conversation I will omit what Nicolas says so we can view it from Armando's point of view.

"Aw Nicolas." Betty smiles and sounds flattered. "Ah Terra Moda?" She teases. "Oh um, but go out to dinner tonight?" she looks towards the little frosted window in her office, that's indirectly towards Armando's desk. "No it's not because of that, Nicolas." She explains. "What happened is that..." We now get a frame of Armando being nosy, again, and eavesdropping on the conversation, carefully paying attention to what she's saying. "my friends here, the girls from the cuartel have invited me out to celebrate my birthday and I'm already engaged with them." she lies. "Yeah don't worry about it, Nicolas, in any case, thank you so much." she smiles(you can hear someone's genuine smile through their tone of voice) "They'll turn up, don't worry." She teases.

Armando can conclude that Nicolas asked Betty out but she rejected him and lied to him, could be that he believes Nicolas was probably asking Betty if she had plans with another guy or didn't like him anymore, so Betty explains[lies] why she can't go out with him. Then that Betty is trying to reassure him that he'll find someone.

I omitted Nicolas responses because we get Armando's reaction a lot here so it has to mean that we're supposed to draw to the conclusion that it is important for us to know that Armando still considers Nicolas a threat but that he feels like he's winning now.

Now Armando's last reaction is more satisfaction than anything. He feels like he finally scored against Nicolas and he feels good about it.

Betty is now lying to Nicolas and not making plans with him so that she can go out with Armando, making him her number one priority once more and that makes him happy but because he hears Betty's enthusiasm and how comfortable she is while talking with Nicolas it doesn't build his confidence that Betty doesn't have anything with Nicolas.

However problems arise when Nicolas tells Don Hermes that Betty is going out with her friends and makes Doña Julia call her work friends so they can invite them for a celebration party at her house.

When she calls her mom to talk to her about it and when she hangs up Betty now has to find a way to fix this.

Take into consideration that Betty does want to go out with Armando but that after he yelled at her twice for Invalidating his feelings or efforts of him wanting to celebrate her birthday, she now has to consider his feelings and doesn't want to make him feel like he isn't important to her.

She goes out into his office and stands there, waiting for him to acknowledge her.

"What's up?" He asks when he stops typing.

"Sir um, what time do you think we'll be leaving tonight?" Armando has his hands laced together in front of him as he answers Betty.

"Around seven. Why Betty? What's going on with that face of yours? Like something worries you?"

"My parents are organizing a party for me and they've invited all my friends, including you."

"What Betty? Do you pretend I go there with all those women, the most gossipy women of all of Eco Moda, to your house?" here Armando is no longer willing to sacrifice. "To celebrate a birthday? that bore me, they bore me profoundly. I don't even celebrate mine, not in my house or anywhere. I find it very fed up." Betty's entire demeanor is sad. "but if you have that engagement then go ahead on do it. We leave our thing for another time."

"No, no, no." Betty kicks into gear. "Sir forget it. You come first. I prefer to go out with you." She reassure him. To her after his two outburst earlier this translate to him doing it as a reverse therapy kind of way, saying it isn't a problem, that he doesn't like those kinds of party's anyway, and added with his somber tone, Betty does think he is trying to not make her feel bad for it but that he does want to go out with her.

"You already have an engagement go ahead and comply with it."

"Sir let me fix this."

"No-no wait." He says as she leaves his office.

Armando isn't upset or arguing with Betty or trying to convince her to go out with him because he knows Nicolas isn't the one she's going to go out with. Now Armando, though being callous and honest, tells Betty that he doesn't like birthdays that they bore him and are nuisance and that he doesn't even celebrate his,

Betty then comes up with the plan for that night everything is fixed. Armando however fails to read the bold letters, I'd say lines but by this point everything is spelt out in front of him. He is being callous.

"[...] You decide at what time you want us to go out?" She smiles.

"But um-but-nonono- Be-Betty I-It's not necessary for you to go through all of that. Really I feel embarrassed with you, the party, the cake at your house-"

"No-"

"No really I-I don't know-"

"No Sir I talked with everyone; With my family, my friends. Everything is fixed." She smiles. Armando however doesn't seem too happy about it.

"Yeah?" He asks worried. "It's not a shame?" Betty picks up on this and looks away from him.

"Well Sir, I won't insist more." She takes in a deep breath and gives a small smile. "Pardon me." She starts to move towards her office.

"No-no, Betty come over here." He scratches his ear lobe in an effort to sooth his anxiety. "What time do you want me to pick you up?"

"No Sir, don't bother."

"What time do you want me to pick you up?" He speaks loudly and frustrated, however he is trying not yell at her.

"At ten?" She says softly and smiles at him. He nods and forces a smile. "Thank you, Sir."

He does the same expression once Betty enters her office, the "Ow" but at peace with it expression.

Armando is now making more of an effort to place Betty's needs before his own. He is now understanding, even if its a little bit, his feelings towards Betty, at least to the point that he is okay with some of them.

Betty is still timid but she's picking up his cues and when she questions them and she pulls away Armando tells her that it isn't like that at all. It's so important to understand this because many people have this misconception that Betty took advantage of Armando later on that night. I already talked more about this, however not that in depth related to that specific scene in the post I Don't Believe He Desires Me Part 2.

'Til next time!

#armando ysblf #don armando #armando mendoza #analysis of ysblf #beatriz pinzon solano #betty ysblf #betty pinzón solano #beatriz pinzón solano #yo soy betty la fea #betty la fea #betty #mario calderon #mario Calderón #Calderón ysblf

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goulets · 3 years

Text

Heartland

Chapter: 3/8 Pairing: Jason Todd/Dick Grayson Additional Characters: Bruce Wayne, Damian Wayne, Colin Wilkes, Stephanie Brown, Cassandra Cain, Barbara Gordon, Tim Drake, Duke Thomas Rating: T (for now) Case Fic / Kid Fic a03 link

The library has its benefits: no harassment from over-familiar family members, no Dick sexually frustrating him within an inch of his life, and, if he’s willing to be a little sentimental, he kind of does want to show it to the baby. She’s too young to appreciate it, probably, but it stirs something in him to share it with her all the same. He’s heard it’s never too early to get kids into reading - his parents sure as hell never tried, but Jason had read anything he could get his hands on, once he learned how. It had saved him, back then. Maybe it can do the same for her one day.

“Could’ve sworn Bruce had a Dr. Seuss anthology somewhere in here,” he says to her, combing over the shelves with his eyes. “Guess not. You up for something more sophisticated?”

She grunts, squeezing his shirt in her fist. “Alright,” he agrees, pulling Twelfth Night off the shelf. “Shakespeare it is. You’ve got taste, kid.”

***

(dick)

Venice is a nightclub that has gone by many names during its Gotham tenure, and just as many owners. Dick has been undercover here at least twice, back when the club was catering to the wealthier patrons of Little Italy. The current management clearly hasn’t bothered with maintaining that exclusivity - the building is now shabby and outdated, even for this neighborhood. One thing that hasn’t changed, though, is the real draw of Venice, which is the illegal casino in the back rooms beyond the VIP lounge. Through all the club’s owners, the casino has always been run by the Falcones, and always frequented by the city’s most morally flexible elected officials. In the past four nights that Dick’s been staking the place out, he’s seen five judges, two city council members, and even the new police commissioner slipping out the back door into the alley, stinking of gin and cigar smoke and patting their coat pockets with an air of satisfaction. It’s good intel to have, Barbara’s told him. Always helpful to keep the files updated on who’s being bought and by whom. None of that really makes him feel better about the fact that he’s been staking this place out for four nights and still hasn’t managed to pin down their actual target.

It’s embarrassing, is what it is. He’s Nightwing, for God’s sake. He’s taken down whole Russian mobs in Bludhaven, and now he’s being completely eluded by a third-string Falcone no one’s even heard of.

Oracle had ID’d the doer of the Torres/Howard murders in a matter of hours, true to her word, and the ballistics had predictably matched up with a few other murders that the police never bothered investigating. Susanna “Susie” Falcone, a second cousin once removed with a rap sheet that puts many of her relatives to shame. Her name must still have some pull in political circles, because she’s only done time once, in spite of being indicted almost a dozen times. Gotta love good old fashioned judicial corruption, Jason had said. No one had been able to argue, looking at the number of charges dismissed.

All in all, it was supposed to be a fairly simple tag-and-bag. Once they’d found her place of work - officially, the Venice nightclub, unofficially, the family casino - he’d been tasked to track her, question her, and then turn her in to the police. He’d chosen his stakeout perch well, on a hotel roof high above the alley, he’d followed her, unseen, and so far, she’s given him the slip every freaking time. The woman has vanished through every doorway from here to Robinson Park, as only the most enterprising criminal can. Were this a different kind of case, Dick might have been impressed.

Instead, he’s annoyed, and having to compromise - his vantage point is lower, closer but more exposed in the thin shadows of a third story construction platform right above the alley. He can see the door to the club without any difficulty, but the moment he moves, he’ll be open to attack.

He’ll just have to move fast. Fortunately, that’s what he’s best at.

There’s a soft motion behind him, almost quiet enough to escape his notice entirely. It’s Jason - Dick hadn’t expected him to actually turn up. No doubt he’s here to make sure they finally succeed in catching their mark tonight, but he’s been so adamant about not leaving Danielle with anyone except Dick that it’s still a surprise to see him. What’s equally surprising to Dick is that he was apparently hoping Jason would show, if the relief he feels at seeing him is anything to go by.

It’s a nice moment of solidarity, until Jason opens his mouth. “So, fourth night’s a charm, huh?”

Dick bristles. “What happened to not leaving the baby?” he retorts.

Jason bristles back, but doesn’t rise to the bait. It’s a little wrongfooting - a reminder that things are changing between them. Dick is used to the veneer of antagonism that hangs over his relationship with Jason, the unresolved tension they both pretend not to notice. They’d gotten into a pretty good groove when he was acting as Batman, staying out of each others’ way for the most part, and working together when necessary. Dick’s pretty sure Jason doesn’t actually harbor any murderous feelings towards him, just like he doesn’t actually hate Bruce, no matter what he says.

“The girls and Alfred ganged up on me,” Jason says, leaning back against the scaffolding. “Whatever. I needed to get the hell out of there anyways. I don’t know how you stand being around them all so much.”

Dick laughs. “They’re not as interested in me,” he admits. “I’m not the cool sibling.”

Jason doesn’t respond right away. It's hard for Dick to tell, when he’s wearing the helmet, but he thinks Jason is probably waiting to see if Dick is joking. It’s another way things have shifted between them - Jason’s holding back, not jumping straight to lashing out, like he used to. It should be a good thing - it is a good thing, but it’s throwing him off balance all the same. He feels like he's spent most of the past several days looking for Jason, even when Jason is right in front of him. He’s used to trying to find the Jason he knows - or knew - the Jason who was taken away from him. Now there’s a new Jason, a Jason he’s still getting to know. Dick can’t choose between them, can’t decide which one he wants to find every time he looks at him. Maybe that’s why he can’t seem to find his one lousy mafia shooter.

“Looks like the cops are covering up the ballistics report on Reynolds,” Jason says, after a moment. “Go figure.”

Dick frowns. “Just Reynolds?”

Jason grunts. “Hold on. What.”

Dick turns to look at him.

“Did you burp her?”

Oh, Dick realizes, he’s on the comm. Someone back at the Manor must have pinged him on a private line.

“Then get Alfred to do it.”

It’s curious that the ballistics on Cy Reynolds’ murder are the ones being suppressed, Dick thinks. He was the only one killed with a submachine gun - the bullets from most of the other crime scenes had come from a standard Beretta APX, and the object of his stakeout, Susie Falcone, had used a Glock on Danielle’s parents. The Glock matched a few other shootings, the Beretta matched none. None of that is particularly noteworthy - after all, Susie is a criminal, and Beretta shell casings are a dime a dozen at any mob shooting.

“Fine. I’ll check back in five. If you asswipes don’t pick up, I’m coming back there.” Jason makes an aggravated noise in the back of his throat, which Dick takes to mean he’s hung up.

“Everything OK?”

“Just peachy. By some cosmic fucking joke, I’m the only person in the family who can get the baby to take a damn bottle. I told her they just need to burp her, but I guess that’s too complicated a task for a family of genius detectives,” Jason grumbles. “I knew I shouldn’t have left her. Shit.”

“Jay, relax. She’s fine.” Dick can’t help but grin at him. It’s honestly sweet, the way Jason and the baby have gotten attached to each other. Dick likes to think he’s her second favorite, but it’s pretty hard to tell. No matter who’s holding her, she’s always looking at Jason, and Jason never stops looking at her.

“It’s fucking cold out here,” Jason says mulishly.

Dick raises an eyebrow. “I noticed. It’s April, not August. If you really want to go back, I’m not gonna stop you.”

“I don’t…” Jason sighs. “Look, I’m here, okay? You bungled this grade school op three nights in a row, so congrats, you triggered the bat buddy system. If I leave and you fuck it up again, I’ll never hear the end of it.”

Dick supposes it’s his turn not to rise to the bait. “Fair enough,” he says easily, turning around to face the alleyway again. “What were you saying about the ballistics on Reynolds?”

“Oh, Oracle ran the bullets through Interpol. Turns out our ill-fated gang boss was offed by one of Carmine Falcone’s personal weapons. The record’s been scrubbed from US databases, but Babs had a hunch.” Jason sounds impressed.

“Been scrubbed meaning...there was a record,” Dick follows, “and some people might still remember, if they saw the bullets. Hence the coverup.”

“Yup. Hence the coverup.”

“Could explain what the commissioner was doing here the other night,” Dick muses.

Jason snorts derisively. “See, this is what I hate about the mafia. They’re so goddamn predictable. Kill the competition, pay off the cops, around and around forever. It’s so pedestrian.”

Dick laughs. “You’d rather deal with Clayface?”

“Fuck yes I would. Clayface has flair, you know? Anybody can be a mobster, shit.”

Jason has started shifting with agitation, or maybe impatience. Either way, their vantage spot isn’t hidden enough for him to be moving around. “Get low if you’re gonna be twitchy,” Dick tells him. “Or if you’re gonna have a cigarette, but I’d really rather you didn’t.”

“Lucky for you I quit then,” Jason says, crouching down next to him. “I’m not jonesing, I’m just fucking cold.”

“We could huddle together for warmth,” Dick jokes, grinning unabashedly when Jason’s helmet fixes him with a death glare. “Wait, you quit smoking? When?”

“When I started taking care of a baby, obviously.” Jason goes still, suddenly. “Is that her?”

The door to the alleyway opens, and they both tense - but it’s just a man, a bodyguard, by the looks of him. Close-cropped blonde hair, early 40s, used to throwing his weight around. Feeling there’s something familiar about him, Dick nudges Jason and motions for him to take a photo. Jason starts almost imperceptibly at the contact, but follows suit. They both hold perfectly still in the shadows as the man looks around, glances in a cursory way along the rooftops, and then sets off down the alley towards the street.

“I know him,” Jason mutters. “From Tim’s case files - he was with Intergang.”

Dick doesn’t say anything about Jason calling Tim by name, but it’s a welcome development. “Looks like he switched sides, if he’s hanging out here.”

“Wonderful,” Jason says. “All right, I’m gonna check on the kid again.”

Dick represses the urge to give him a shoulder squeeze, or ruffle his hair. It’d probably result in him getting shoved off the platform, but Jason’s being so....not different, because Dick’s always known that this Jason was still in him, somewhere. Always hoped, anyways. When Jason had been younger and acted like this, surly with his words but tender with his actions, Dick had always thought of him as cute. It’s like that now, too, except it’s not just cute, because Jason has several inches and at least two weight classes on him. It’s cute in a different way, an adult way. It’s cute in a way that makes Dick want to push harder against Jason’s armor, to catch as many glimpses of that side of him as he can. If he thinks about it too long, it’s cute in a way that makes him want, recklessly.

“Red Hood to Batgirl,” Jason says. He’s calling on the family line this time. “Give me an update.”

“You’re seriously a helicopter parent, you know that, Hood?” Steph laughs in Dick’s ear. “We figured it out. Well...Black Bat figured it out.”

Jason’s shoulders sag a little in relief. Cute, Dick thinks, involuntarily. He needs to get a grip. “About fucking time.”

“She prefers being propped up,” Cass says. “It helps her swallow.”

“That’s what I was trying to tell you earlier. And she likes her back straight.”

“You said none of that, actually,” Steph says. “You just told us to support her head. Which we have been, thank you very much.”

“You have her now?”

“Robin has her.”

Dick and Jason look at each other. Jason says, “What the fuck?”

“Right?” Steph sounds amused. “I was surprised too....his friend is here, that ginger kid? He’s the one that took her from the orphanage, right?”

“Batgirl, I swear to god, if anything happens to her - ”

“Oh, calm down, jeez,” Steph groans. “They’re being supervised, okay? It’s honestly precious, you would agree with me if you could see it. I’ll text the pictures to N.”

“Please do,” Dick says. Speaking of cute, in a way that’s much safer to think about.

“Go do your job now,” Cass tells them. “We’re handling it.”

“Yeah, what she said. Batgirls out.”

“Feel better?” Dick asks, after a moment.

“Don’t ask me that,” Jason grouses. “And show me those pictures when you get them.”

Dick grins. “Sure, Jay.”

“Ugh.”

Dick decides to change the subject, before Jason gets too antsy and tries to bail. “So how do you want to play this, when Susie shows?”

Jason points to a dumpster halfway down the alley. “We wait until she’s there. I’ll get the club door, put a taser on it to stop her getting back in or anyone else from coming out. You cut her off before she gets to the street, and we question her on the backside of the dumpster. I’ll take line of sight, since I’m packing.”

Dick nods. “So is she.”

“So is every goon in those back rooms, sure. That’s why we lock their asses in.”

“And if they come out the front?”

Jason spins a gun in his hand. “Rubber bullets do the job just fine if you know how to aim. Let me worry about the backup.”

Another thing that’s changed about Jason - or that hasn’t changed, depending on how far back Dick looks. He uses rubber bullets now, whenever he’s working a case with one of them. Supposedly it’s a stipulation from Bruce, but Jason didn’t use lethal force on the couple cases he and Dick worked together, either, back when Dick was wearing the cowl. Dick thinks Bruce just gave him an excuse - whatever bloodlust Jason was fueled by when he first came back to Gotham has long since dried up. There are still things that set him off - Barbara had informed them about a dead rapist in the Narrows just last month - but Bruce hadn’t even commented on it, besides the barest acknowledgment. Dick thinks he might be the only one that actually cares when Jason kills someone, anymore. And what’s really disturbing is that he’s not actually sure how much he cares. For instance, he knows Jason has a third gun, holstered under his jacket, loaded with live ammo. He could call Jason out on it, insist he ditch it or at the very least unload it.

He says nothing. Let me worry about the backup. If this mission ends in a massacre, Dick will only have himself to blame.

The door opens again, and out steps Susie Falcone.

She immediately looks around, staying still in the doorway for a minute or more. Dick is pretty sure she hasn’t seen him following her, but he’s familiar with the sensation of being watched. He and Jason both shrink further into the shadows, waiting for her to make a move.

The whole process takes about six seconds. The moment she gets a few paces into the alley, they drop down. Jason electrifies the door handle, and Dick outmaneuvers her easily, slapping his police-issue cuffs on her and kicking her gun aside, then spinning her into the wall behind the dumpster. She hits it with a grunt. By the time she’s glaring at him, Jason is at his side again.

“Nightwing and Red Hood?” she says. “Damn. Didn’t expect to see you fellas out here.”

She doesn’t seem scared of them. Dick guesses they’ll have backup coming their way soon.

“Hey, what do you know,” Jason says conversationally, picking up the gun and emptying the clip in one swift motion. “Nightwing, I do believe this is our Glock.”

“Not mine,” Susie objects. “Picked it up off the club floor.”

“Come on, Susie, you’re smarter than that.” Jason crosses his arms. “Look, I can appreciate a sensible weapon. The Berettas the rest of your family favors? Too flashy for me. I loved Sopranos as much as the next guy, but come on.”

Dick suppresses a laugh. “Thought you were a Sig man,” he says in an undertone. He hadn’t expected Jason to take the lead, but it’s working. Susie looks agitated at the mention of her family.

“Wow, stalker. Remind me to move safe houses,” Jason quips back. “Aw, look, she slipped your cuffs.”

There’s a taser in Susie’s newly freed hand, and Dick quickly sidesteps it, twists it out of her wrist and sends it clattering down the cobblestones of the alley. Jason sweeps her legs out from under her and knocks her down flat, maybe a little harder than Dick would’ve. Thankfully, she goes down without a fight.

“Let’s try this again,” Dick says, kneeling next to her and zip-tying her wrists. If he wasn’t sure before, he is now - she was expecting them. They won’t be alone for long. He throws a couple smoke pellets down to the ends of the alley, and clips a nearly invisible wireless mic to the shoelaces of her boot under the guise of patting her down.

“You’re obviously not surprised to see us, so just tell us what we want to know,” Jason tells her, squatting down. “I’ll be honest, I don’t really give a shit that you shot Big Mouth, but what did Linda Torres ever do to you?”

“Let me up,” Susie snarls.

“No. Talk, or I’ll give you a taste of that taser you tried to pull on us.”

“Hood,” Dick hisses.

“See? He knows I’ll do it. Save yourself the grief, Susie.” Jason points the barrel of his gun lazily at her temple.

Susie narrows her eyes. “Fine. The two of them robbed me, last September. Dumb motherfuckers didn’t know who they were messing with. But I let them live because the bitch was pregnant.”

Jason makes a noise of disbelief. “Oh, sure. You’re a real bleeding heart, is that it?”

“Like you’re any better,” Susie fires back.

“You said you waited on Linda because she was pregnant,” Dick says. “Why’d you wait to kill Big Mouth?”

Susie’s mouth twists. “Guess I just felt like it.” Dick doesn’t need to see the tension in her shoulders to know she’s lying.

“Strike two.” Jason clicks the safety off. “Who put the hits out?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Susie answers. “I’m dead if I talk, so pistol whip me if you want to. Here’s the God’s honest truth: I really didn’t need a reason to kill those assholes. I was out for ‘em anyways. But I’m not crazy enough to kill a baby, all right? I don’t need shit like that on my conscience.”

“Keep talking,” Jason growls. Dick hears the whoop of a siren a few blocks off. “Where’s the baby now?”

“Somewhere safe, I swear. If anybody comes for her, it won’t be me.”

Susie still thinks Danielle’s at the orphanage, then. That’s good for them, but potentially bad for all the other kids, Colin included. These guys clearly have no problem killing children, even if Susie won’t do it.

The sirens are getting closer. Someone inside must’ve called the cops. Dick motions to Jason, indicating they need to wrap things up.

“Who is coming for her,” Jason barks, every line of his body a threat. “You’ve got five seconds.”

“You don’t.” Susie looks triumphant. They can hear the shouts of police from behind the smoke. “But don’t worry, boys. You’ll find out who really runs this town soon enough.”

“Hood,” Dick mutters. “We need to go, cops in this neighborhood aren’t cape-friendly.”

Jason stands, visibly enraged, and for a moment Dick thinks he’ll shoot Susie anyways. He’s prepared to move - but then Jason pulls out his grapple, fires, and flies up onto the roof.

“Talk about a bleeding heart,” Susie says to Dick. “He have kids or something?”

Dick doesn’t like her tone of voice at all. She’s too relaxed, too unconcerned about being under arrest. She won’t stay in long.

“It’s Nightwing! Get your hands up!”

Dick obliges, ready to pull his escrima sticks.

Three police officers come through the smoke, weapons drawn. “You better have a damn good reason for being this far out of Bludhaven,” one of them shouts at Dick.

“Sure do!” Dick calls back. “Arrested a murderer for you, no need to thank me!”

“Shut up,” a different officer retorts. “Keep your hands up, pretty boy.”

“Oh, fuck this,” Jason mutters over the comm. “I’m throwing you an escape, we’ll recon on the library roof. Stop being so goddamn chatty.”

One smoke pellet later, Dick is three rooftops away and flying. He gets to the library before Jason, exhilarated as ever from a good run.

Jason drops down next to him after a minute or so, laughing when he gets a look at Dick’s smile. “Running from the cops still does it for you, huh?”

Dick elbows him, momentarily forgetting to keep his distance. “Doesn’t it for you?”

Surprisingly, Jason doesn’t move away. “Usually they’re shooting at me, so.”

Dick leans closer, testing. “So…yes?”

“You’re so annoying,” Jason says, but he lets Dick nudge his shoulder, bump their arms together. He’s so solid, Dick thinks. So big. More like Bruce than any of them.

“So, how fast do you think she’ll get out?” he asks, when Jason stays quiet.

“Fucking tomorrow, probably,” Jason sighs. “Next week if we’re lucky.”

“Sounds like she didn’t know about Danielle, at least.”

“She’s not the problem,” Jason says, shrugging Dick off and standing back up. “Falcones will blow up the whole orphanage if they get wind of it. We need to put them down first.”

“We need to find out who’s in charge,” Dick agrees. “I planted a mic on her shoe. In the laces. Hopefully she won’t find it for a few days.”

“Good thinking,” Jason nods. “You gonna keep patrolling?”

“Might as well,” Dick says, standing up next to him and stretching his arms over his head. “I’m still stiff from that stakeout, I need to move.”

Jason’s gone quiet again. Dick thinks he hears his breath catch, but the helmet muffles it enough that it could be a yawn.

“You’re going back to the manor?”

Jason groans. “Fuck my life, yes.”

“You miss her, huh.” Cute, his brain chants.

Jason doesn’t answer, but Dick has a feeling he’s getting the stink-eye.

“I miss her too,” Dick offers. “It’s okay.”

Jason sighs. “Dick…”

“It’s a good thing, Jay. You care about her! We all do,” Dick adds, seeing the rigidity in Jason’s posture. “I mean, you’re practically her parent right now. Of course you miss her.”

“...Don’t say it like that.” Jason’s voice is low, almost pained, and Dick knows he pushed too far. “Like…like I have a right to, okay, just. Don’t.”

“Jason, wait,” Dick starts, but he doesn’t get to finish. Without a backward glance, Jason fires off a line to the neighboring building, and then he’s gone.

***

(tim)

The docks are quiet, unsettlingly so, as Tim prowls around the towers of shipping containers, keeping to the deep shadows they cast along the chipped pavement. It’s overcast, so there’s no moonlight to expose him, but it’s also too dark to see which of the trucks and campers parked all over are occupied, which ones might suddenly turn their headlights on him and catch him out.

One truck in particular - an innocuous looking Isuzu with a stunningly weaponized interior, is the object of his search. The driver, Felipe, is one of Tim’s best informants within Intergang - or had been, prior to the upheaval. Tim’s reasonably sure that Felipe is too lowly a grunt to make an example of, but still, he’s concerned that he hasn’t heard from him in a few days.

As it turns out, he needn’t have worried. He finds Felipe a hundred yard away from his truck, taking a piss off the wharf. He lets himself into the passenger side of the truck, and immediately notes that it is packed. There’s hardly a spare inch in the back, and Tim has a tough time even getting into the passenger seat with all the bags, clothes, and blankets stuffed into it. He pushes the majority of it to the floor, and waits.

Felipe comes back a few moments later. He opens the door and starts, eyes going wide when he sees Tim, but Tim puts his finger to his lips and motions for Felipe to get in so they can talk.

“Red Robin,” Felipe says, once the door is closed. He looks even more shaken than usual. “What the fuck, man?”

Tim crosses his arms. “You tell me, Felipe. You’ve been dodging my calls for days, and now I find out you’re skipping town?”

“I ditched that phone, man. Boss Reynolds had my number in there, you know? Ditched it as soon as I heard about him. I wasn’t trying to ghost you, honest.”

“Relax,” Tim tells him. “I’m not mad. I’d dodge me, too. Just tell me what happened, and I’ll shadow you out of town. Make sure you’re not followed.”

“Shit, man,” Felipe sighs. “Okay, look. There’s shit I can’t tell you, not if I ever want to hench again. You gotta figure that all out yourself, yeah?”

Tim shrugs. “Fine.”

Felipe swallows. “It started last week when Boss Reynolds met with somebody - I don’t know his name, God as my witness, but from what I heard, ‘cause I was unloading some of that funky alien tech, and you know Boss Reynolds wanted to supervise that personally - anyways, this guy in a suit took a meeting with him, and it sounded like he was offering Boss Reynolds a job. Said he had a new operation, bigger than Intergang, bigger than anything Gotham’s seen in a while.”

“Did Reynolds believe him?”

“Nah, he told him to get lost. They had some words, and then everybody started pulling guns, and I went back to the ship so I didn’t get fuckin’ shot, but I didn’t hear anything after that. Next thing I saw, Boss Reynolds was calling his son up and telling him to demo some building down by the old boardwalk - a hotel, maybe. Guess he wanted to expand that way, I don’t know.”

“That was the old Falcone hotel,” Tim says, mostly just to see Felipe’s reaction. He isn’t disappointed - Felipe goes pale, and his eyes flash to the rosary hanging off his rearview mirror. Tim likes Felipe as an informant because he’s nosy, shockingly competent for a henchman, and because he really likes to gossip. He’s never held back on Tim before this.

“Few days later, one of ours, this merc named Tiberius, comes down to the warehouse and says he’s got something to show us. Takes out a fat fuckin’ folder full of pictures…man, it was some sick shit. Boss Reynolds, his wife, Reynolds Jr, and every fuckin’ guy under him. Kids, man. He just passed it around, made everyone look at it. Then he says, we can either be in the folder, or we can come meet the new boss.”

Felipe takes a shaky breath. “Obviously I go with Tiberius, like everyone else. I heard a couple guys stayed on the ship that was docked, thinking they’d wait ‘em out, but the new boss blew it up. Says we’re not in the tech business anymore, and anyone caught trying to smuggle it is gonna get tied to it and tossed in the harbor. You can imagine my concerns,” he says, gesturing to his truck. Tim estimates half or more of the weapons in it are salvaged from alien junk. Roy Harper would have a field day with the setup this guy’s made for himself.

“So that’s why you’re bailing,” Tim says, understanding. He can hardly blame the guy. “Why not just hide the truck somewhere?”

“Well…I did think about that,” Felipe admits. “Tiberius made us a pretty sweet pitch, once we went along with him. Not gonna lie, I was tempted. Tech is my thing, you know, but I can make a gun out of pretty much anything. I could see the possibilities, is what I’m saying, but that was before we met the new boss.”

Tim nods encouragingly. This is what he’s been waiting to hear.

“Listen, Red Robin - I know we’ve had our differences, but I respect you, man, you know that. You’ve been good to me, so I’m gonna give you some advice here. Stay the hell away from the new boss. Like, don’t even get involved. I’ve been henching for a while, and I’ve seen some messed up shit, but they are crazy. Está loca, you feel me? I’ve seen the hit list, and you’re right at the top of it. You and all the other capes. Half of Arkham, too. And they’re connected, like you wouldn’t believe. Shit, I’m already saying too much, man. You see the position I’m in here?”

“I do, Felipe,” Tim tells him. He hands over a stack of hundred dollar bills, their agreed-upon rate for information. “Where are you going?”

“You’re crazy too, if you think I’m telling you that,” Felipe scoffs.

Tim wasn’t expecting a straight answer anyways. “Fair enough. You heading out now?”

“Soon as you get the hell outta my car, yeah. You said you’d shadow me out?”

“I will,” Tim says. “From a distance. If you don’t see me, it means you’re clear to cross the bridge.”

“All right,” Felipe nods. “In that case, I hope I never see your ass again.”

Tim laughs, and climbs out of the truck.

He finds his own way out of the shipyard, pulls a bike out of a safe house, and catches up with Felipe’s GPS signal halfway to the Fashion District. Once he’s sure there’s no immediate threat, he calls Barbara.

“Red Robin to Oracle. I’m uploading a recording to the server.”

Barbara is in his ear at once. “You met with your informant?”

“He wouldn’t give me a name, but he let a couple things slip.”

“Well, don’t keep me in suspense,” she says.

“First, he flinched hard when I brought up the Falcone name.”

“Confirms what we already know,” Barbara says. “Good. There’s more?”

“There’s more.” Tim tries not to gloat. This is, after all, a serious situation. “He was being cagey about mentioning the leader’s gender, so I was already suspicious, but then said ‘está loca’ when he was trying to warn me.”

Barbara whistles. “Well,” she says, sounding satisfied. “That’ll certainly narrow it down.”

“Yep,” Tim says grimly. “Looks like the new head of the Falcone family is a woman.”

***

(jason)

When Jason was Robin, the library had always been his favorite room in the Manor. It had spoken easily to his idea of what wealth was - rich people had fancy cars, sure, and maybe pools and expensive wardrobes, but wealthy people had art collections, and gardens, and libraries. Jason had spent hours upon hours browsing the shelves, reading anything he could wrap his brain around (and plenty of things he couldn’t), suggesting additions to Alfred, and avoiding his schoolwork in favor of learning about more interesting things, like string theory, or cryptology, or chemical warfare.

That was then.

Now, the library is the only place he can get a minute of peace from the constant barrage of his obnoxious, nosy, boundaryless family members. They’ve been characteristically persistent in their curiosity about him, and about Danielle, who is now Dani, courtesy of Stephanie. This is a nickname family, she’d said, and Jason hadn’t known how to disagree. So now she’s Dani, and Jason is family, and that apparently means he is no longer entitled to any privacy, or personal space for that matter. The only person who hasn’t barged in on him is Bruce, which is almost worse, in a way, because it’s one thing when nobody seeks him out, and it’s quite another when everyone does and then Bruce...doesn’t. Not that he wants Bruce to come up and bother him, God. But he’s in the man’s house, he’s hearing him on the comm constantly either on patrol or down in the cave, and all the other Bat brats and even Alfred are buzzing around him like flies. It’s too much - it feels like before, except for Bruce’s conspicuous absence reminding him that it’s not.

Sharing a bathroom with Dick is another before experience that Jason didn’t need a repeat of. In some ways, it was worse when he was Robin - stripping and showering after patrol in the cave with Dick a few feet away from him is a memory he really wouldn’t have minded leaving back in the Pit - and in other ways, it’s worse now, because Dick is always freaking around. There’s no reprieve, he’s not flitting off to the Titans every week like he used to be. Jason hasn’t gone half a day without Dick getting in his space, drawing up close to him and making that earnest eye contact he’s so annoyingly good at; sometimes wet, sometimes half-naked, sometimes both. And what can Jason do? He’s not going to leave Dani, and he needs Dick to be there so he can get some sleep every once in a while, or patrol, or shower. It’s actually been pretty helpful to have him around, in that regard, but if he has to see the guy walking around with bedhead and nothing but a pair of boxer briefs on one more time, he’s going to fucking explode.

So, the library has its benefits: no harassment from over-familiar family members, no Dick sexually frustrating him within an inch of his life, and, if he’s willing to be a little sentimental, he kind of does want to show it to Dani. She’s too young to appreciate it, probably, but it stirs something in him to share it with her all the same. He’s heard it’s never too early to get kids into reading - his parents sure as hell never tried, but Jason had read anything he could get his hands on, once he learned how. It had saved him, back then. Maybe it can do the same for Dani one day.

“Could’ve sworn Bruce had a Dr. Seuss anthology somewhere in here,” he says to her, combing over the shelves with his eyes. “Guess not. You up for something more sophisticated?”

She grunts, squeezing his shirt in her fist. “Alright,” he agrees, pulling Twelfth Night off the shelf. “Shakespeare it is. You’ve got taste, kid.”

He wonders, not for the first time, what exactly he thinks he’s doing, playing at this whole parenting thing. The rational part of his brain knows that this is a case, that Dani is a victim, that Jason is protecting her because it’s his job. The emotional part of his brain has gone completely off the goddamn rails. Case in point: he’s here with her in the library, prepping her for early literacy like some kind of Crest Hill soccer mom wannabe. Like he’ll even be in her life when she starts doing her ABCs - God willing, she’ll be as far away from him as possible by the time that happens.

It’s fucking hard to think about. He never thought he’d get this attached to a person who can’t even burp on their own. It’s been over a week, and he still struggles with putting her down, with stepping away from her, even when he knows he’s coming right back. Steph and Damian have been wanting to hold her all the time, and Jason knows that they’re capable, knows he has no claim over Dani, doesn’t even mind either of them all that much under normal circumstances, and still, he can’t help feeling like something has reached inside and gripped at his heart every time he passes her over. Which is ridiculous, because she’s not his, he has no more claim over her than any other schmuck off the street. She’s just a kid with unbelievably bad luck, and he’s the idiot who followed Dick up the stairs instead of booking it out the door like a sensible person.

He settles down with her on the couch, propping her up on a couple of pillows, giving her foot a little squeeze. She squeals, smiling at him, and stuffs her fingers in her mouth. God, Jason didn’t know he could feel the way he feels whenever she smiles at him. It’s gonna kill him when he has to give her up.

“If music be the food of love, play on,” he reads, walking his fingers up her leg. “Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, the appetite may sicken, and so die.”

Dani watches him, chewing happily on her fingers. “‘O, it came over my ear like the sweet sound that breathes upon a bank of violets.’ That’s you, you know.” He pokes her in the cheek, grinning. If music be the food of love…but hell, he doesn’t think he’ll ever get enough of this. Especially when she’s all calm and engaging, the precious few minutes that he’s learned to appreciate in between finishing eating and being tired and cranky, when all she wants to do is look around at things, and all Jason wants to do, ever, is look at her.

The door to the library opens, and Jason goes from content to murderous in a fraction of a second. “What the fuck is it now,” he hisses, expecting Damian or maybe Tim, coming to nag him some more, and instead sees Damian’s friend Colin, who looks horrified to have intruded on him. Jason immediately feels like the world’s biggest ass.

“Sorry,” Colin whispers, mortified, and Jason waves a hand apologetically.

“My bad, I didn’t know it was you. Come in, it’s fine. She’s awake, you don’t need to whisper.”

Colin looks unsure, but soon nods and steps into the library, shutting the door firmly behind him.

Once inside, he dawdles by the nearest bookshelf, clearly at a loss. Jason probably should’ve just let him back out, because this is awkward. Should he keep reading to Dani? Talk to Colin? Ask him why he looks like someone just kicked him and stole his dog?

“You good?” he ventures, figuring he ought to at least attempt to be the adult in the room.

Colin glances at him over his shoulder, smiling tentatively. “Yeah, just bored. Damian’s sleeping, we had a rough patrol last night.”

“We?” Jason repeats, stunned. Bruce isn’t an exemplar of child welfare practices, sure, but letting Damian take other kids on crime-busting playdates? What the hell?

“Oh, I guess you don’t know,” Colin frowns. “I’m….uh, it’s probably easier if I just show you.”

He slides his jacket off, threadbare t-shirt hanging off his skinny frame. Jason tenses, not sure what to expect. When Colin’s arm starts to expand, his eyes widen. By the time his fist is as big around as Jason’s thigh, he thinks his eyebrows have probably disappeared into his hairline.

“Oh.” Jason has no idea how he’s supposed to react to this. Is Colin a meta? He’s pretty sure he would know if Colin was a meta. “How…?”

“Scarecrow,” Colin explains. Jason’s heart sinks. “He experimented on me with synthetic Venom. Batman saved me.”

Dani fusses, twisting her body and scrunching her face up. Jason sympathizes - this conversation is giving him gas, too. “Shit,” he says. Not the most articulate way of expressing his condolences, but Colin’s friends with Damian, so tact can’t be of great importance to him. “I didn’t know.”

Dani starts to cry, and Colin takes a couple steps forward, putting Jason’s hackles up at once. Stop it, he tells himself sternly. He might have fallen down a few pegs, but he’s not pathetic enough to square up against an abused fifth grader. He picks her up, rubbing her back, and then glances over at Colin. The kid’s gone shy, looking down at a point somewhere between Jason’s legs and the floor. Jason feels all the hostility bleed out of him, and he sighs.

“You can sit down.” He gestures to the couch, trying to sound nonthreatening. Dani burps, mouths at his shirt, and then gurgles and kicks her legs again. She leans back against his hold to stare at Colin, and Colin’s face splits into a huge grin. He tucks himself down into the cushions, keeping plenty of space between them, but Jason can sense from the inclination of his body that he wants to be closer. Well, if anyone has a right to be close to Dani, it’s the kid who rescued her in the first place.

“Here,” he offers, turning Dani around in his arms. His heart clenches, and he clamps down on his desire to flee. “You can hold her for a minute, if you want to. She likes you.”

Colin looks at him, eyes shining. “Really?”

Jason nods. “Go ahead. Honestly, you probably know a lot more about this shit than I do.”

Colin takes Dani from him carefully, smiling at her and laughing when she reaches forward to grab at his jacket zipper. A few seconds later, it’s in her mouth, along with most of her fist.

“Should I…?” Colin looks at Jason hesitantly.

“I mean…she’s had worse things in her mouth,” Jason tells him. A ringing endorsement of his child-minding abilities right there. “It’s fine, right? That’s how they build an immune system, or whatever.”

“Well, Alfred washed this for me last night,” Colin admits, looking embarrassed. “So it shouldn’t be too gross.”

Jason leans back against the couch cushions, crossing his arms. “Getting all the perks, huh?”

Colin shrugs, casting his eyes down again. “I like it here.”

Considering where Colin grew up, Jason supposes he can’t blame the kid. Still, he’s not quite wrapping his head around this sweet, genuinely nice kid being buddies with Damian. The demon brat isn’t exactly known for his winning personality, and Jason only knows vaguely how the two of them met, but what he’s heard doesn’t strike him as being particularly conducive to forging the lasting bonds of friendship.

Curiosity gets the better of him, and he decides to just ask. “Why’d you call Damian, the night you found her?”

Colin looks surprised. “I...don’t know,” he says, slowly. “I didn’t know who else to call? Damian’s my best friend, and he always knows what to do.”

Jason can’t keep the skeptical look off his face.

“And if he doesn’t, Bat….Bruce, I mean, definitely always knows what to do.”

Jason scrubs a hand over his face. Time to change the fucking subject. “How’d you two get hooked up, anyways?”

Dani turns her head to look at him, still eating Colin’s zipper. Sometimes, Jason gets the bizarre feeling that she can somehow tell when he’s about to blow a gasket. It’s probably a coincidence - she moves around a lot, and Jason has anger issues that flare up every ten minutes, so there’s bound to be some crossover - but it works, because it takes the fight right out of him every time.

“We worked a case together,” Colin says, holding Dani a little more securely against him. “About a year ago, I guess. Kids were disappearing from my orphanage, and from the shelters. I don’t think you were around.”

“I wasn’t,” Jason shakes his head. He and Roy had been busting a trafficking ring in Ibiza, and it had taken Jason over a month to get all the major players. “I heard about it a little, from Dick.”

Dick hadn’t given him too many details at the time - Jason had chalked it up to him having a few other things on his mind, but as Colin fills in the gaps, he starts to suspect Dick just didn’t want him going on a rampage. Which he absolutely would have - he still wants to, God. God. All those poor kids, just a stone’s throw from his old neighborhood. And of course the police had done jack shit - Zsasz is practically Black Mask’s pet, he probably paid them off to look the other way, not that most of them need the excuse - and Bruce was gone, and Jason was gone, and Dick was in over his head, and - fuck, it should never have fallen to Damian and Colin.

He waits for the fury to subside a little, not trusting what will come out of his mouth. Dani hums around her fist, blinking at him, and it helps. “Jesus,” he says, finally. “This fucking town.”

Colin’s mouth twists a little. “Yeah. But you were Robin, right? You probably saw worse things.”

Did he? Jason doesn’t remember. He doubts it, though. He can’t imagine he would’ve been satisfied with Bruce’s way of dealing with it.

“I wouldn’t have pulled my stroke, when I was Robin,” he muses. “Probably why Bruce never gave me a sword.”

No, Jason would’ve bisected the fucker. It still has appeal, though he thinks he would lean towards his favorite Sig rifle if he was taking care of it today. Headshots for the henchmen - anyone who signs on to that kind of operation, even in the most menial capacity, doesn’t deserve to breathe. Kneecaps and crotch shots for the spectators, to make sure they couldn’t get away. Gut shots for the kid-wranglers. And Zsasz....it’s tempting to want to draw it out, but Jason can feel the desire leaving him the longer he thinks about it. His imaginative tortures fade into a simple headshot, and even that isn’t satisfying. Fuck. He just can’t seem to hold onto his rage lately, even when he wants to. It’s all being replaced by some kind of anxiety, some kind of tenderness that aches, burning deep into him every time Dani looks at him, or touches him. Every time he thinks of her. Every time he feels Dick watching him with her, all warmth and affection.

Colin bounces her a little, making her laugh. Jason feels his revenge fantasy slip away.

“What’re you reading her?” Colin nods to the book still laying open in Jason’s lap.

Jason looks at it. “Oh, Twelfth Night. Shakespeare,” he adds, recalling that Colin is eleven, and likely not perusing great literature in his free time. “Figure it’s never too early to start her on the classics.”

Colin grins. “That’s cool,” he says. “Does she like it?”

“Beats me,” Jason shrugs.

“Read some?”

Jason raises his eyebrows.

Colin flushes. “Um. I mean, if you want…”

He decides to humor him. What the hell. “Sure, why not. ‘O spirit of love! How quick and fresh art thou, that, notwithstanding in thy capacity, receiveth as the sea.’”

Dani yawns widely, relinquishing her fist in a long string of drool. Jason laughs, and so does Colin. “Maybe jumping the gun a little,” he admits. “I don’t really know what kids are into these days.”

“Me either,” Colin says. “I think she liked it, though. See, she’s just sleepy.”

Jason feels a lump forming in his throat, and swallows hard against it.

“What does it mean? The part you were reading,” Colin asks.

“Um.” Jason doesn’t really know, he’s not exactly a literary scholar, but he’s always liked to work Shakespeare out on his own, finding meaning in the wordplay and running the metaphors through his mind until they line up in a satisfactory way. He doesn’t know if his interpretation is correct, exactly, but: “So this Duke, a guy called Orsino, is saying that he doesn’t want to be in love anymore. He’s talking about love and how everyone thinks it’s this wonderful thing, but the truth is that it actually just makes people miserable.”

Jason pauses, feeling like he just showed way too much of his hand. “Basically, he’s just complaining,” he finishes, uneasy.

Glancing at Colin out of the corner of his eye, he’s relieved to see that he’s occupied with Dani, and not paying attention to Jason at all. Thank fuck. If it’d been anyone else in the house sitting there, he’d be in for some horrible armchair psychology session, and he’d have to book it out the window and not return for several months.

“I think she wants you,” Colin says, as Dani ramps up her fussing. Jason takes her gratefully, holds her to his chest as she rubs her eyes and grumbles her displeasure at being passed around.

“All right, I hear you,” Jason murmurs, gently tugging her fists away from her eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic, come on. It’s not so bad.” Like he’s one to talk.

And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds, ever since pursue me, he thinks, rocking her tiny body into a comfortable position. Colin was only holding her for ten, maybe fifteen minutes, and Jason was sitting less than five feet away, but he missed her. God, what is happening to him?

“Damian didn’t want to bring her here, at first,” Colin says quietly. “But I think he’s glad that we did. He really likes her, you know.”

Jason doesn’t quite know how to feel about that. It’s sweet, on some level. And he’s well aware that Damian likes her, going by the amount of time he spends hovering in the hallway outside Jason’s room, not to mention the increasingly expensive toys that keep showing up among her things.

He looks down at her, dozing off. “Well, she’s pretty easy to like.”

Colin nods, looking pleased.

“Damian, on the other hand....”

Colin grins. “He’s not so bad.”

He’s really not. Like hell Jason will ever tell him that, though. “You have bizarre taste, kid.”

Colin blushes, hard, and Jason blinks. Well. That’s interesting, isn’t it? Or it will be, in a few years. He makes a note to ask Dick about it, later.

“Are you gonna adopt her?” Colin asks, bringing Jason’s amused thoughts to a screeching halt.

Automatically, he says, “No way.”

Colin looks wounded. “Why not?”

“Because I can’t,” Jason replies. “I’m the last person who should be a parent, trust me.”

“Doesn’t look that way to me.”

Doesn’t feel that way either - the thought floats up, unbidden, uninvited. He can’t. “She deserves better,” Jason says, heavily. “Even if….even I could handle it. She deserves better than this family.”

“But your family is - ”

“A death sentence.” He’s being harsh, but if Colin’s gonna be hanging around, he’ll find out for himself soon enough. “It’s fucking cursed, look. I couldn’t do that to any kid, especially her. You should get out too, while you still can.”

Colin looks angry, which surprises him. His hands are balled into fists, and Jason sees a tremor in them, a bulging that immediately sets off alarm bells in his head.

“Kid,” he says sharply. “Colin. If you’re gonna hulk out, take it outside. Alfred will have an honest-to-God stroke if you do it in here.”

A few deep breaths later, Colin looks normal again. “Sorry.” His voice is hoarse. “You’re wrong, though.”

Jason’s temper flares. “No offense, but I think I would know better than you,” he snaps. Dani grumbles sleepily in his arms, and he sighs out in frustration. “Trust me, okay? She’s better off. It never ends well, not in this family. I’m proof of that.”

But Colin shakes his head. “You don’t know,” he says. “My mom said the same thing, when she dropped me off at the orphanage. She gave the nuns a letter - she said I’d be better off with them than with her.”

Jason stills.

“It didn’t matter,” Colin continues. “Scarecrow still got me. Victor Zsasz still got me. Maybe they would have gotten me with her, too. Maybe I wouldn’t have been that much better off with her, but at least I would’ve been with her.” He sniffles, and Jason holds Dani a little tighter.

“I know she loved me.” His voice cracks. “I just wish...I wish I could’ve stayed with her. I wish she would have known that I never would’ve been better off away from her.”

He looks absolutely miserable, pitched forward and rubbing hard at his eyes. Jason is reminded painfully of how young Colin is, closer to Dani’s age than his own. He remembers being Colin’s age and younger, thinking the same thoughts about his own mother. How fiercely he’d guarded her, chased away the cops and the social workers, doing everything in his power not to be separated from her. Not that it mattered, in the end.

“Fuck,” he mutters. “Colin, I’m sorry. For the record, I actually kind of get where you’re coming from.”

Colin looks up at him.

“Wish I didn’t, but. That’s life.”

“You should adopt her,” Colin says again, softly.

Jason shakes his head. “Colin…”

“You’ll think about it.”

He exhales. “Sure, I’ll think about it.” Like he’ll be able to think about anything else after this.

“She needs you,” Colin insists stubbornly.

Jason doesn’t reply. He knows on some level Colin is right - Dani does need him right now. She needs someone, at least, someone who can take care of her and protect her. Someone who isn’t afraid to shed blood to keep her safe. Jason doesn’t relish the thought, but he’s certain this won’t end tidily. Mob cases never do. It’ll be messy, and bloody, and Bruce will have a shit fit, and Dick probably will too, and Jason will go back to Crime Alley and Dani will get shipped off to Witness Protection or something, and damn, does that hurt to think about.

He looks over at Colin, still hunched over on himself, vulnerability written into every line of his posture. He’s desperately in need of a hug, or some kind of affection, validation, maybe. Or that’s just Jason projecting, who the fuck knows. If Dick was here, he would know exactly what to do for him. Jason’s at a loss, unable to separate his young self from the damaged kid sitting next to him.

He adjusts his hold on Dani carefully, laying her down flat along his arm, while he works out what to say. Finally, he settles on, “Damian’s lucky to have you.”

Colin sits up a little straighter. He looks like he’s waiting for more, but he’s shit out of luck, because Jason has no idea what else he needs to hear. No idea what he could say that wouldn’t be completely insincere, anyways. We can be your family, Colin. Like hell. Bruce has enough kids lined up waiting to die for him, he’s not about to encourage another one to be turned into cannon fodder for the man’s principles.

“Uh, yeah,” Jason says, after a moment. “That’s all I got.”

Colin smiles wanly. “Thanks, anyways.”

Jason snorts. “Sure.”

“Can I hug you?”

Jason stares. “Can you…what? Me?”

“I won’t if you don’t want me to,” Colin adds, averting his eyes.

Jason can’t even remember the last time someone hugged him. He thinks Roy might’ve, some eight or nine months ago, after they’d narrowly survived a warehouse explosion. Jason’s whole body had been ringing from the blast, so he doesn’t exactly remember the sensation of it. And before that…?

He imagines Dick’s reaction, if he was here. He’d be disappointed in Jason, that’s for sure. Really, Jay? You can’t hug a child? It’s a fair argument, he has to admit. Jason’s fucked up personal space issues don’t really apply to children, or babies, clearly. Colin’s obviously attention-starved, and Jason’s already holding one kid. What’s another, really.

“Okay,” he relents. “Hit me.”

There’s a shuffling motion next to him, and then Colin is hugging his free arm, leaning his head against Jason’s shoulder. Jason can’t quite contain his surprise - it’s weird, as expected, but it’s not dramatically increasing his desire to bolt through the nearest exit like he’d thought it would. It’s a little funny, actually. He’s pretty sure both Bruce and Damian would lose their shit if they could see him right now. Dick, too, most likely, but to his credit, it would be a happy kind of shit-losing. Damian would probably try to gut him.

Are there cameras in the library? Jason can’t remember. He kind of hopes there aren’t, because if anyone else sees this, he will absolutely never live it down.

***

(dick)

“Wait, I think that’s him.” Dick leans forward to peer at Tim’s screen. He points to the familiar looking figure. “That guy. Do you have a clearer shot?”

Tim skips a few photos ahead, and zooms in. “Him?”

“Yes. That’s the guy. Jason said he recognized him from your surveillance files. He was at the club the night we caught Susie Falcone.”

“The fourth night, was it?” Tim asks, innocently.

“Don’t be mean, Timmy.”

“Just clarifying,” Tim grins. Dick raises an eyebrow. “Okay, okay. I don’t have a ton of intel on this guy, he’s really slippery. According to my informant, he goes by Tiberius - some kind of mercenary, Greek or Albanian national. I doubt that’s his real name.”

Dick nods, studying the photographs. Tim continues, “He came over with Intergang as an enforcer, I think. Might’ve been Reynolds’ personal bodyguard.”

“Could explain how Reynolds got taken out,” Dick says thoughtfully. “He’s on the Falcones’ payroll now, but he’s not family. Might be an easy target.”

Tim opens his mouth, about to reply, when there’s a choked-off sound of fury from the Batcave below them.

“Was that Damian? He’s up already?” Dick asks, glancing down towards Bruce’s computer. He hops over the ramp to see what the fuss is about. Tim follows close behind.

“Everything okay?” Dick asks, approaching the wall of screens. There’s nothing that jumps out at him as being particularly alarming; Bruce is looking at DNA analyses, and Damian is looking at the Manor surveillance, tapping furiously at his ear.

“Todd!” he hisses. “What do you think you’re doing? Colin is my friend!”

“Robin,” Oracle’s voice comes through the speaker. “No names on the comms. And Hood isn’t wearing his earpiece, so you’ll have to tell him in person.” She sounds amused. “Oracle out.”

Damian swears.

“Holy shit,” Tim says faintly. “Look at them.”

The screen that all the Manor surveillance feeds run to is showing just one room - the library, of all places, but Dick vaguely recalls it being some kind of sanctuary to Jason, years and years ago. It makes sense that he’d end up back there, and it makes sense that he’d have Dani with him. What Dick doesn’t expect to see is little Colin Wilkes, all five feet and change of him, snuggled up to Jason’s side and hugging him, wrapped around his arm like a gangly koala. Dick can’t help but notice that Jason’s bicep is about as big around as Colin’s head, which is certainly...something. He’s not quite ready to classify how he feels about that, so he refocuses on the hug itself, which is nothing short of charming.

Damian grinds his teeth audibly. “It’s still going.”

“Oh, man.” Dick can’t help the grin he feels creeping up the sides of his face. “Bruce, are you seeing this?”

“I am,” Bruce says, stiffly. He looks like he’s in pain. Dick fights the urge to roll his eyes.

“What’s wrong with you? Look how sweet they are!” he exclaims, gesturing. It’s adorable.

“It is not sweet,” Damian snarls, whirling on him. “Todd is a corruptive influence, and Colin is young and impressionable! Where is your concern for him?”

Tim coughs, and it sounds a little bit like “jealous”. Surprisingly, this does not diffuse Damian’s indignation.

“I don’t get it,” Dick says, stepping between them quickly to block Damian’s spinning kick. “I thought you and Jason were fine, Damian. You’ve been spending enough time in our - in his room lately. Where’s this coming from?”

“Incredibly, I don’t feel as concerned about Todd recruiting an infant onto the path of lawlessness,” Damian retorts. “Colin lacks paternal guidance in his life, as you know. Todd clearly senses it.”

“Jason is very paternal these days,” Tim agrees.

“I’m pretty sure it’s just a hug,” Dick says in exasperation. “No one’s recruiting anyone, Damian. And look, it’s over. Your friend is just a hugger, that’s all.”

“I must agree with Master Richard,” Alfred says from behind them. “Having been the recipient of many such embraces from young Master Colin myself.”

“See? I’ve gotten hugs from him too,” Dick tells Damian. “And I know you have, so don’t bother denying it. He’s probably gearing up the courage to get one from Bruce one of these days.”

Bruce looks slightly alarmed by the prospect. “He is?”

Damian looks conflicted. “He is?”

Dick casts his eyes heavenward. “Colin, I’m so sorry.”

Before he can say anything else, the Cave door opens below them, and Duke’s bike comes shooting in, whipping around into its parking spot in a move that would send Dick flying over the handlebars. Bruce takes about half a second to look impressed, and then clears the main screen to pull up their intel on the Falcone case.

“What’s up, guys,” Duke calls, pulling off his helmet and jogging up the steps. “I’ve got news. Where’s Jason?”

“Being hugged, in the library,” Dick tells him. “You just missed it.”

Duke looks nonplussed. “Damn. Wait, that’s not some kind of weird euphemism, is it? If it is, I don’t want to know.”

“It most certainly is not,” Damian says venomously.

“Cool. I tried to get him on the comm, but he didn’t respond. Should I go get him? He’ll want to hear this.”

“Damian will get him,” Bruce says.

Damian is…already on the elevator. Dick spares a thought for Jason. At least he’s holding Dani, so Damian won’t attack him outright.

“Your news?” Bruce prompts.

“Right,” Duke nods. “I’ve been all over City Hall records, and spent yesterday afternoon getting intel in the East End. I’ve got names and faces of most of the major players in this. They’re trying hard to front some distant nephew of Carmine Falcone as the head of the whole operation, but it wasn’t quite adding up. You said the new Falcone boss is a woman, right?” he asks Tim.

Tim nods affirmatively.

Duke looks triumphant. “Then I know who she is.”

***

#jaydick #in which there is so much plot all to justify the existence of 1 baby #low key this fic is my maternal love letter to colin wilkes #i miss him dc bring him back #my fics #heartlandverse

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filmactor · 3 years

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genuinely though, i think tomo is weirdly representative of me...learning to give less of a shit and actually have fun with my writing in the rpc after i’d honestly forgotten how LMAO?? for a while, i was so worried about what people would think of what i was writing. my dash around that time had been so fixated on like...being deep and poetic and literary and shitting references to classic literature at every given opportunity (obviously, i do think this can be well-done and interesting but it’s very boring to act like that’s the only way to write). if your muse wasn’t a brooding genius or tragically delicate, they were...comic relief??

literally, i had a muse whose entire plot was that people thought he’d been dead for 25 years and then he showed up literally unchanged & my intention was to explore that situation in a serious way (like that would be TRAUMATIC) but because the guy was outwardly laidback and kind of a himbo, half my interactions were based around treating him like a funny idiot (i had one friend who did consistently take him seriously and i love them for that). and i don’t even want to talk about how dismissive a lot of my interactions on mio’s old blog. i was constantly on the dash trying to remind people i didn’t mind putting mio in serious situations and that i thought, from a developmental standpoint, it would be interesting to see mio’s optimism challenged and yet she was constantly used as a rare chance for a dumb fluffy thread with a Cute Girl. i’m bad at writing fluff! unless i’m personally invested, i think it’s boring!

OR the alternative was that i’d put hours of writing into explaining kael’s personality in excruciating detail and explaining exactly why he behaved the way he did. most people following me here now didn’t follow me on kael’s blog but i really didn’t leave a single stone unturned. if there was something about kael that could be explained, i explained it in a post that was definitely way too long (hmmm kind of like this one??). and still, people would see him being vaguely standoffish and be like ‘ohhhhh he’s a jerk. this character is a bitch! so mean and grumpy!’

so being able to write tomo, a character who’s very chaotic and a little weird, without people just pushing him into a box is really neat. like i genuinely really appreciate the fact i can make tomo funny and serious at the same time. i can FINALLY write jokes into my replies without people going ‘oh this is a funny character, this is a jokey jokester and i am going to make fun of him’. like people DO make jokes about tomo but it feels like i’m actually in on the joke and the jokes aren’t either at my muse’s expense or based on somebody refusing to understand my muse beyond one surface character trait. (or even the fact i can write karam as cold and standoffish and weird but he’s not just written off as Probably Evil)

i just feel like the experience i have with rp now is really nice. there’s such a variety in characters on my dash. i do think the same issues i used to have with the tumblr rpc DO exist and it’s obvious certain characters get prioritised. and people still do act like a character has to be tragic and dark and edgy to be interesting (again --- i don’t care if a character IS dark, it can be done well) but my personal curated dash experience is still reassuring. i still feel a little shitty about my blogs from time to time but i don’t really feel quite as frustrated about people willingly refusing to understand my writing nor do i feel quite as pressured to write what other people think is interesting. tomo is a character i never would have written in the past. i was worried he was a little riqsué?? and it was hard to write a famous muse without people assuming you were trying to godmod or some shit....being a celeb is being op for regular people.

#« ᴘᴜʀᴇ ᴍᴏʀɴɪɴɢ » / 「 ooc. 」#tbd #in like 5 minutes i'm just getting my thoughts out and then i'll delete this #why am i talking this much when i could just be writing what is this post yikes #i've talked about this before but..................i am so grateful for all my mutuals

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trilies · 4 years

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"Safety” and KHR fandom

Lately, I’ve been seeing quite a few people in the main “khr” tag get really concerned about “safe” fandom events, and making spaces where there aren’t any “p/edo” ships. As a CSA survivor, I am reasonably invested when these sort of things pop up.... but not for the reason you think.

This is because I’ve yet to find a person who talks about these things that actually cares about real and living CSA survivors.

I can only speak of my own experiences, of course, but they’re so prevalent and reoccurring that I felt I should address the fandom as a whole about this. Hit “j” if you want to skip this for whatever reason. But I would appreciate it if you read this, because I feel this is starting to become a regular problem.

Because it is.

Now, I’m not going to make any claims on why these people are doing what they’re doing or saying what they’re saying. All I can say is that, from what I have witnessed with every single person who has cried “NO NASTY SHIPS” in the main khr tag, their response to actual CSA survivors ranges from dismissal to outright slurs.

Yes, that’s right: I have had a slur used against me when trying to discuss my problems with how some people have acted in the main khr tag:

[image: a set of tags including “get fucked lol” and “you’re a cunt”]

As a note, this conversation started because I suggested just blocking the R27 tag, noting that I don’t even like it myself, instead of them starting a brawl in the main tag like the OP was trying to do. Their response was to get hyper-aggressive, fling insults (slur included), and basically just scream at me over the internet.

Obviously, I myself am a biased source since I was involved in this conversation, but I’m fairly certain that I did not fling insults or slurs around at someone just because they didn’t agree with me. If there were other imperfections to my approach, well, I’m only human.... but I can guarantee that much.

Occasionally, they don’t get that outright aggressive. They’re simply passive-aggressive in their insults of CSA survivors who don’t immediately agree with them, and proceed to put words in those survivors’ mouths.

[image: text from the OP: “i just wanna find someone who likes reborn that isn’t a weirdo, like i promise that shipping p/edo/in/cest is not required to watch the show. u can be normal”]

[my response: “As a CSA survivor, please stop throwing around that term recklessly like this. Stop trying to fling the word “normal” around. Just stop. I can explain more of my reaction to you, if you want an actual discussion.”]

[OP’s response: an emoji, and then tags going “bro u can just say u wanna ship i/ncest and p/edo stuff. u dont have to bring up being a csa survivor promise it doesnt make sense.”]

This person really did outright say that they didn’t understand why a CSA survivor would mention their status as such in a discussion about p/edophilia. If you also cannot understand that, please ask, and I will explain.

And then you have the people who outright admit that they essentially don’t care about CSA survivors.

[image: an ask from myself that goes “As a CSA survivor myself, your “safe” khr rarepair week post really frustrates me, but especially moreso because your addition of “if you have a problem, don’t say anything” makes me feel as though you’re trying to duck out of any criticism or issues on your idea.”]

[op’s response: “i mostly said that so trolls would not overrun my askbox with hostility lol. if it frustrates u that’s ur problem and u can still participate in the original event.”]

As a note, this person’s post that I refer to made the claim that their event was meant to be a “safe space” for CSA survivors. Thus, one would think that their ears would be open when an actual CSA survivor approached them with the clear implication that their event was flawed how it was approaching its alleged goal.

One would not think that the response of a person who allegedly cares about CSA survivors would go “Well! That sounds like your problem”.

In my personal experience dealing with these types of individuals, the *best* result I’ve ever received was someone seeming to just block me and essentially bury my response on a post of theirs.

These are not the actions and responses of people who care about CSA survivors.

People who care about CSA survivors do not insult and fling slurs at those who disagree with them.

People who care about CSA survivors do not put words in their mouth and ignore their concerns.

People who care about CSA survivors do not say “That’s your problem” when approached on how they may be harmful in their attempts to be an ally.

So to people who are immediately drawn to posts claiming to be about “safety” and fighting against “p/edo ships”, be careful, especially my fellow CSA survivors. You are not guaranteed safety with them. You only have temporary access to a kind of safety, where you’re in the clear so long as you do not disagree with headcanons, or ships, or character interpretations.

This is just my experience in the KHR fandom alone on this subject; I have had terrible issues elsewhere too. As far as I can tell in this fandom on its own, there has not been a single vocal person who has been genuine in their alleged care towards CSA survivors both present and for the future.

At least, their own words and actions have certainly not implied as much.

I’m open to any genuine attempts at conversation, such as further details on the individual events of those screencaps (I kept things short since this is a long enough post already) or what exactly my problem is with their use of certain terms, etc, etc. However, that’s only if you come in good faith. I’m not tolerating any further slurs and the like.

The reason I made this post is because I want people to think critically about posts like these when they come up, and to take care so that they don’t end up in situations like I did. In my case, I at least knew there was a possibility of such negative reactions. If someone had a slur thrown at them just because they’d said the wrong thing by accident? That’d be terrible.

Take care and be safe in these tough times.

#long post #here comes the ruckus #khr #katekyo hitman reborn

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krixel · 3 years

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So, I’ve had a horrendous fucking week (family, am I right?) and I have, admittedly, had more than one glass of Scotch to drink (family, am I right?) but I was doing a dive into my old Beyblade Tala/Trey WIPs, which were written entirely for me because I’d never ever considered the thought of coming back to posting fanfiction, let alone Tala/OC fanfiction - that joke is forever on me but GLU is my trope riddled passion project baby that you can pry from my cold dead hands - and I’d forgotten about this bizarre Tala has a twin, whose identity he stole, government experiment mess of an AU that I still love.

So yeah, here’s the less than 2,000 words start of that story, because why not? So, if you’re at all interested in another Tala/Trey AU where they’re established and Tala has a twin... here it is. Also, my writing is rough, because it’s from 3 years ago, and I wrote it on my phone while I was making dinner.

The door opened once the stairs had been secured, and the ball of tension that had started in his stomach crawled up Kai’s throat. There was only a single passenger on the private jet, and the afternoon sun gleamed against his blond hair as he emerged. A laptop bag was slung across his body and he gripped the handle of a small suitcase. Kai would never get used to seeing him; a grownup version of a past ghost. Kai pushed off the hood of his Mercedes and moved to meet the newcomer as he reached the tarmac. Blue eyes - hollow and colder than the snow that fell around them - gave him a once over before he tilted his head in acknowledgment. “Kai. I see my brother still has you running his errands like a good dog.”

“Mikaela. I see time has done nothing to improve your charm,” Kai said, resisting the urge to scold the other for his casual use of his relationship with Tala.

“Forgive me. Unlike others, I cannot put on a false face when looking at one of the people who ruined my life,” Mikaela said, striding past Kai and towards the awaiting car.

Kai rolled his eyes but followed the other to the car. He popped the trunk but did not offer to put away Mikaela’s luggage. His unwelcome guest took the hint and did it himself. He climbed into the passenger seat, and Kai was hitting the gas almost before the door closed. “We did give you a choice,” Kai said after a while. “You chose to keep breathing.”

Mikaela huffed, the sound brushing against amusement, and eyed Kai from his peripheral. “I have always been curious, Kai. In all these years, other than the one obvious crime, you seem to be a decent sort of person. How do you stomach calling a monster like my brother friend?”

Kai’s knuckles whitened around the steering wheel, but his tone was a notch above boredom. “Tala is my best friend,” he said. “And if I have ever given you the impression that I was decent, then I apologize. Tala was the one who wanted to let you live. I told him it was smarter to kill you. You're a liability.”

“How quaint, after all, was I not Tala, once upon a time?”

“Not in any of the ways that matter,” Kai said.

Mikaela clicked his tongue but said nothing else for the remainder of the drive, just propped his chin on his fist and watched the once familiar city pass by the window. As Kai pulled into the underground parking for Tala’s building, Mikaela tensed, gloved hands curling into fists at the pressing darkness. Kai scoffed as he shut off the car. “Relax, Mikaela,” he said. “You're the one who wanted an in-person meeting, so don't act like we're going to drag you out back and shoot you.”

“Given past experience, can you blame me?” Mikaela asked as he pushed open the car door, hiding his relief at finding it unlocked.

Kai shrugged and tucked his hands in his pockets as he waited for the other to retrieve his suitcase. “Like I said, you’re the one who wanted to be here.”

“Wanted is an exceptionally powerful word. I was put in a situation that was unsafe to express by any other means,” Mikaela said. He popped the handle on his suitcase and followed Kai to the side door of the building. A man with a buzz cut and arms the size of tree trunks opened the door for them, acknowledging Kai with a grunt and frowning at Mikaela.

Kai returned the nod, a wry smile twisting his lips. “Leave him be for now. Tala will let you know if that changes.”

Mikaela bristled at the threat but under the brutal look from the guard - more like ex-military or grizzly bear fighter - kept his mouth shut. As Kai cleared both the retinal scanner and fingerprint, Mikaela lifted an eyebrow. “A bit paranoid, isn't he?”

“Can't imagine why?” Was the dry response as Kai turned his key and the elevator finally started its ascent.

Despite the massive height of the building, the elevator ride was quick and silent, and Mikaela’s lip curled in disgust at the lavish foyer beyond the wrought iron gate. Kai unlocked it and pushed it aside, then motioned Mikaela out first before he followed. Mikaela towed off his boots by the door, but made no effort to remove his jacket or scarf. Kai patted him on the shoulder as he walked by, his smile just the dull side of vicious. “Island life thin your Russian blood? Or are you not planning to stay long?”

“He won't be staying long.” Tala stepped out of the living room, the sound of the tv still audible in the openess of his penthouse, and stood with a hand braced on his hip. “Hello, Mika.”

Blue eyes clashed, one pair narrowing while the other glittered with deceptive amusement. Mikaela fought down a snarl, but his expression remained blank. If he let Tala rile him so soon, they would get nowhere. “Yuriy.” Mikaela looked around their surroundings before his attention returned to the redhead. “It looks like you are doing well for yourself.”

Tala’s smile sharpened against the whetstone of the taunt. “You act like I don't share it with you,” he said. “Or is there something you want that I haven't given you?”

“What I want cannot be bought, no matter how much wealth you accumulate,” Mika said.

Tala shrugged. “I better not have flown you all the way here just to rehash your grievances against me, Mika,” he said. “Getting you back into the country undetected wasn't easy.”

“I wasn't aware I existed, as far as anyone else was concerned.”

Before the rising tension could escalate further another set of footsteps sounded from the direction of the living room. Trey came around the corner, eyes flicking towards Kai, then the newcomer, and then back to Kai. “Damn. I thought you left to get pizza,” she said. “Is that even a thing here? You guys do have pizza in Russia, right? Oh my god, if not I need to go home, right now.”

Tala snorted at his girlfriend, his shoulders easing despite the proximity of Mika, and Kai resisted the urge to hug Trey for her brilliance. There was no way she'd missed the rising threat in the foyer, but she diffused Tala with the expertise of a bomb unit. She moved to Tala’s side, tucking herself under his arm and against his side. “Why do all of your friends look like they walked off magazine covers? Seriously?”

“We are not friends,” Mika said, eyes surveying Trey with confusion. He was the dirty little secret Tala kept locked far away from him, and yet Tala did not seem at all concerned about the girl’s presence.

“Co-worker? Arch nemesis? Is that still a thing?”

“Twin brother, though I suppose arch nemesis isn't entirely out of the question,” Tala cut her off.

Even Kai’s eyebrows lifted at Tala’s casual admittance to Mika’s identity. Trey blinked, and waited for the punchline, though as she looked closer it was impossible to deny the resemblance - really it came down to Tala’s ridiculous hair. And then with the horror of someone who has just realized they left their child at a store, said, “You mean there's two of you in the world?”

“It's still up for debate which one is the evil one,” Kai said, as he shrugged out of his jacket.

“You knew?” Trey asked, then frowned at the obvious question. “Of course you knew. You just picked him up from the airport.”

Tala smiled as Trey devolved into her nervous rambling, and tightened his arm around her. “Why don’t you go spend some time with Kai while Mika and I catch up?”

Trey blinked at the obvious dismissal, but nodded. Tala tended to tell her the truth, so if he wanted her gone for that conversation then he had good reason. Trey lifted on her toes and Tala tilted his head down to meet her kiss. He lifted his arm and Trey shuffled away from him, sparing a glance for Mika. “Um… nice to meet you?” Mika stared at her without expression and said nothing. “Right, or not, I guess.”

Tala’s eyes narrowed but said nothing, and Trey crossed the foyer to Kai, who rolled his eyes and ushered her towards the stairs. “Ignore him,” he said. “Mika hates Tala and anyone associated with him. It's nothing personal to you.”

“So, Tala has a twin?” she asked. “And they hate each other, but no one thought to mention it.”

Kai ran his hand through his hair, expression pinched with frustration. “It's complicated, and probably better left for Tala to explain,” he said. “I wouldn't even know where to start. I'm sorry he showed up now, though, while your here. It’s not going to make for the best vacation.”

“It seemed serious,” Trey said, remembering the black mood Tala descended into after that particular phone call. “And you seemed surprised Tala introduced us?”

“I was,” Kai said, opening the door to the game room and letting Trey step through first. “Tala is - guarded - about Mika.”

Trey flopped onto one of the couches in the room, propping her chin on her fist. “You thought Tala would lie to me?” Her tone walked a delicate balance between curiosity and hurt, and Kai realized his next words needed to be careful.

“Yes,” he admitted, and took a seat on a chair facing Trey. “About Mika’s identity, at least. It's hard to explain without explaining everything, but no one knows about Mika except me, and Ian because he hacked Tala’s files once.”

Trey laughed. “Tala had to be furious.”

Kai’s smile was faint. “Ian stayed with me for a couple of weeks while Tala calmed down,” he said. “I think that's the maddest I’ve ever seen him at Ian, but it worked out. Ian lives here, better for him to know.”

“But not me?”

Kai shook his head. “If that were the case, Tala wouldn't have introduced you. Believe me, I’m relieved. Don't mistake my surprise for judgment.”

“Why is the fact that Tala has a twin such a big deal?”

“Because, if the wrong people found out, it would end me,” Tala said.

Kai and Trey looked up at the intrusion and Tala smiled. He sat down beside Trey and adjusted when she cuddled against his side. “Mika’s getting settled,” Tala said to Kai’s look. “I figured you’d be giving her cryptic explanations, and thought it'd be better for me to just explain.”

“I wish someone would,” Trey said, elbowing Tala in the ribs.

Tala kissed the top of her head. “Knowing my darkest secrets isn't as appealing as it might seem, just ask Kai,” he said. “Last chance to bow out.”

“Tala, you were a psychotic lunatic I used to hate. Let's be clear that my opinion of you is pretty low, already,” Trey said.

The tension in Tala eased again and he relaxed against her. “Right. Somehow, I keep forgetting that bit.”

#holy dialogue exposition dump batman #yikes this is rough #but also nice to see how I've improved #and literally was never intended for more eyes than mine #and I already knew the story #so yeah #here's a thing #excuse me while I go panic about posting it later #er also zero intention of ever continuing this #it's literally here for kicks

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lovesmobius · 3 years

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Jadzia Dax fanfiction

Hi guys this is my first fanfiction post, so please be nice :)

It is about Jadzia Dax from Star Trek DS9 so I hope you like it :)

(not my gif)

Jadzia Dax x Reader

doesn’t matter who you are anyone can read this :)

You’re being way to hard on yourself and Jadzia comforts you because she cares for you.

Captain Sisko was angry. His voice was firm. He didn’t even give you a chance at explaining yourself.

You tried to stay strong. Tears filled your eyes, you tried so hard to hold them back.

“Do you understand me, ensign?”

You could hardly look at his face. So filled with anger. You feel as if you failed in your job, failed at being the perfect Starfleet officer. You weren’t a scientist, not anymore. Not after what the captain was telling you.

“Yes, sir”

“Good. Dismissed”

You walked out of his office passed everyone else in ops.

Jadzia reached out but you pulled away from her. No one could comfort you know. All your worst fears were just confirmed by the person who meant most to you.

The moment you stept into the turbolift and started to go down you couldn’t hold back your tears anymore. You couldn’t wait to get to your quarters. To pack up your stuff and leave this dreaded place.

It didn’t take long for Jadzia to follow you afterwards.

You knew she wasn’t going to let you leave, at least not without talking you out of it.

The doorchime drove you crazy. She kept ringing it. The sound is not so pleasing after you hear it ring 50 times.

“(y/n), I know you’re in there! You better open me up or I will break this door down. I mean it”

On your way to the door you hesitiated. Should you let her in?

You leaned against the door.

“I spoke to Ben, I….”

You opened the door, to Jadzia’s surprise, who thought you wouldn’t open her up.

“Don’t”

Jadzia invited herself into your quarters. It was then when she saw your bags packed.

“You’ve got to be kidding me! You’re leaving?”

You were still frustrated.

“I’m clearly not wanted here”

“Why would you say that?”

“You spoke with the captain, you know why.”

Jadzia sighed “Just because you didn’t follow his orders doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you here. If he didn’t want you here he would’ve send you away but he didn’t”

You didn’t know what to say. It still didn’t make anything better. Your actions still ruined your career.

“If he would’ve sent you away I would’ve gone too”

You shook your head in disbelief, letting out a small smile “You can’t do that, not for me”

“Why shouldn’t I? That is why I went to him in the first place. To tell him I’m just as responsible for what happened as you are. He should punish me too”

“Did he?”

Jadzia didn’t say a word. You knew enough.

“You’re his friend. Of course he wouldn’t”

“He didn’t punish you either. It might have felt like that because he was angry”

“He had all the right to be. It was my fault. I am a terrible scientist. Those people, they…..”

The words couldn’t get out.

“They were just doing their job, like you. scientists have to take risks. We didn’t get hurt because we were in the other room. We couldn’t have known that this was the effect.”

“I should have known!” You shouted out, anger was raging through you.

Jadzia grabbed you by your arms and sat you down, hoping it would calm you. Her hand slowly rubbing your back.

“We can’t know everything. We know now that our transport modulator on a higher frequenty will cause a powersurge in the corrider”

“We could have prevented it. That was our duty!”

“It is not our duty to know what could or could not happen. That is for us to find out. Now stop being so hard on yourself and become a realistic human being. Making mistakes is human.”

“I wish captain Sisko saw it that way”

“He is not the one who has to see it that way. You are. Look around you (y/n), everyone is fine, the Bajorans were released from sickbay an hour ago. Of course captain Sisko has to react like this. He is the captain. He thinks you are a wonderful officer. He just wants you to see the best of yourself….Whatever you are acting on” she pointed at your bags “is all inside of your head. Focus on what you can do instead of what you can’t, you’re only making this situation so much worse for yourself.

Great, you started crying again.

“ But, if that is true, than why would he shout at me?”

Jadzia laughed “It is how he thinks he encourages people, sometimes it works, sometimes it makes people want to run away.”

Jadzia hugged you, holding you tight. Her hug felt warm and loving, and tight. You didn’t want to let her go.

the snot and tears are still running down your face but you manage to laugh.

“What matters if you will actually do it”

“Don’t worry I’m not going anywhere. I need you too much for that. I have some work to do”

You pulled back and smiled at her. Jadzia inspired you to work on yourself.

You made an appointment with a counselor.

Deep Space Nine sadly didn’t have any counselors on board so you had to travel to the next best Starfleet outpost for a counselors appointment. From that moment on, you weren’t going to let your fears decide your faith in life, you were.

From that moment on you were going to become the person you are.

The End haha

Thank you for reading!!!!

#thank you for reading #if you have any tips for me please do share :)#please don't be too hard on me #I love you all #I hope you enjoy #It is probably rubbish but I'm still figuring out my writing style #I promise it will be better next time #This is just something I quickly put together because I was bored and I had no idea what I wanted to do

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homosociallyyours · 4 years

Note

Thanks for your answer. It still bothers me a bit because like I said your sexual attractions don't define your moral values. As long as I'm kind to everyone, don't discreminate or bully anyone, who I'm sexually attracted to shoudn't be what defines me. Sex is so low in my list of important things in life that I don't see why I should be judged for not being attracted to some people. What does it mean for asexual people ? 1/2

2/2 I mean just let people be attracted by who they want, as long as they aren't mean to others, I don't see the problem. I understand that saying things like "I'm not attracted by [any type of people]" can be hurtful and shouldn't be said, but that doesn't make bad people. Even if their distaste came from internalized shit, it's their problem and they will work on it, or not. One way or the other, no one should be judged over who they are attracted to, that doesn't define who they are as human.

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What I hear from you is that you’re frustrated with the idea that romantic or sexual attraction is an indicator of anything greater than itself and that judging a person based off their attractions is limiting. Also that it’s shitty to make sweeping statements about large groups of people without any thought on the possible nuance of individual lives and situations.

And I do think the last line of the post does that, though I think reading the notes is really illuminating bc the OP has responded to a quite a few people and spelled things out a bit more (not changing the content so much but being more specific and shifting the tone a bit). Unfortunately tumblr has a very black and white nature, and grey area text posts don’t get as much traction because they’re often lacking an authoritative pov (imo)

However, this is something that does feel a lot bigger than romantic and sexual attraction for a lot of nonbinary and trans folks, because to say one is not attracted to nonbinary or trans ppl can look/feel a lot like denying the personhood and identity of a nb/trans person. To say “I’m not attracted to nonbinary women” can feel like a dismissal of an important aspect of someone’s identity-- in this case, their womanhood.

OK, so imagine you have a set of triplets in a room, three women who all share enough genetic material to look a lot alike and were all raised together so that the ways they interact with the world are very similar. One is trans, one cis, and one nonbinary. And if nobody told you who was who, there’s not a way of knowing. Assume they’re all femme, all with shoulder length hair the same color. and like. hospital gowns (unflattering sorry but i’m picturing a hospital).

Of course you might end up being attracted to only one woman, and it could be the cis woman. And THEN I agree that it’s up to you how you deal with that or not as a deeper issue.

But if this situation were real (thank god it’s not, this would be an awful scenario irl) and the person choosing was attracted to the nonbinary or trans woman, their options are either: recognize that hey, they maybe *are* attracted to women who aren’t cis sometimes, or to change their mind, saying they’re no longer attracted to the person bc they’re not cis. In which case-- you can be nice to trans folks all the time and generally a totally chill person, but that’s transphobia.

Is it at the same level as people who dehumanize trans ppl with slurs and violence? No. But it’s still a bias and at the end of the day I do think that it makes it easier for more virulent transphobes to speak out and feel they have an audience. And it definitely makes it harder for nonbinary folks to feel accepted, speaking as someone genderqueer who struggled with it for a long time bc I thought I needed to be masculine of center to be nb.

ANYWAY i hope that makes sense, and please know I’m not trying to say anything about you as a person. You know yourself, and you’re right that the onus is on you to decide how you feel about your identity and how it relates to other people. But hopefully this kind of explains how it hurts nb and trans folks to exclude them re: sexual and romantic attraction.

#hope this makes sense #i think i used up all my brain power #so i can't answer more tonight #transphobia cw #Anonymous #answers #but your English was totally fine/i understood you i think!#this is a tricky topic tho obviously #glad to talk about it ♡

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saundraswriting · 4 years

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Hercules Chapter Seven

SUMMARY:Derek and Spencer talk. Or rather Derek talks and Spencer listens. Also Spencer is pushed harder, and gets sicker,

WARNINGS: Emotional. Spencer and Derek are kinda tense in this chapter. It is a little intense, that could also be me. *shrug emoji*

Previous // Next

When Spencer woke up the next morning he did so with a pained groan. He got out of bed and remembered the previous day's breakthrough.

"Hercules." Spencer mumbled. He headed to the shower and got dressed. When he came back into the room, Derek was up.

"Pretty Boy? You feeling better?" Derek asked. Spencer nodded absently, adjusting his cuffs and grabbing his notes. "Reid, come on, man. Take your meds and we can head in. Okay?" Derek used one hand to turn Spencer's head and the other to push his notes away. "Did you hear a word I just said?" Derek felt his fondness grow. Spencer looked up, eyes fever-glazed and distant, nose irritated from tissues.

"I heard you. But I wasn't really listening." Spencer admitted weakly. Derek huffed in mock frustration.

"Spence, what I am going to do with you? I said if you take your medicine we can go in for the day. I know you are chomping at the bit." Derek said again. Spencer's eyes finally focused on Derek, an expression of disbelief crossing his features.

"You really mean that? We can head in even with me being sick?" Spencer beamed at Derek. Derek who was not ready for the effect Spencer's unbridled happiness would have on his heart.

"Of course. There is a condition. You have to take your medicine on time. I am not letting you get worse." Derek couldn't fight his smile in response to Spencer's grin. Spencer's arm twitched with an aborted movement and his face fell.

"What is the matter?" Derek instantly lost all playfulness.

"Nothing. It is fine." Spencer said avoiding Derek's gaze.

"Don't try to lie to me. I know you too well." Derek said firmly. Spencer's resolve-practically nonexistent already-collapsed.

"I wanted to give you a hug. I'm sick but you're still letting me work, I really appreciate it." Spencer tried to explain how he felt but wasn't sure he was clear.

"Spencer, please. we may have discovered our soulmate status but I was your friend first. I know you and I love you. I would never force you away from something that you love. Pretty Boy, I will not control you. We are soulmates, partners, friends. Together." Derek had lost all teasing or laughter or smiles. His mouth was set in a firm line, his eyes tight. He was deeply serious.

The intensity was not lost on Spencer. He could see the determination, affection, and love in Derek's gaze. He could see it in the set of his shoulders, the tension in his jaw. Spencer was in awe, he didn't know anyone could feel that for him. He then realized what Derek said. His gaze flashed up to lock with Derek's.

"What? I'm a guy. So are you. How can you love me? You aren't gay. Derek Morgan, you are the straightest of the straight." Spencer exclaimed, he could feel panic building cause 2 minutes ago they were talking about work not their relationship.

"Spencer, you of all people should know that is pretty heteronormative. Just cause you see me with only women doesn't mean I don't find men attractive. Anyway, we are getting off point. Spencer, I'm not going to push you but you need to know that I have been waiting my whole life to find my soulmate. I won't let you go easily. I still don't know why you are pushing me away but I am telling you here and now; I am not going anywhere." Derek explained.

Derek Morgan, you are amazing and wonderful and supportive and caring. You deserve someone you will love for them not because of a mark. You can't lie to me either. You prefer women. Why should you be stuck with me? A man. A man who also reminds you of all the horrible things the world is capable of. You need someone smart, kind, brave, loyal, beautiful and awesome as you are. You deserve someone you can lose yourself in; someone you become so entangled with you can't find your end and her beginning. Just because the universe or fate or whatever deemed us compatible doesn't mean someone better doesn't exists." Spencer finished, chest heaving and eyes too bright.

Derek just stared for a moment before trying to speak. He opened and closed his mouth several times before blinking once very slowly. "I honestly don't know where to start with that. Is that how you really feel?" Derek demanded. He handed over Spencer's cold medicine having forgot them in their exchange. Spencer popped them quickly with a nod of thanks.

"Spencer, I'm not 'stuck' with you. How could I be 'stuck' with you? When we complete the bond I will be in for the most wonderous years of my life, everyday will be a new adventure. And I am not half as amazing as you are. Spencer, I love you. I love you. I love your brain, heart and soul. I think I have for a while but finding out you are my soulmate gave me the motivation to pursue this. Pursue you. I wouldn't jeopardize our friendship for anything less than soulmates. You believe that I need someone who I would be so entangled with. Spencer we spend almost all our spare time together. I'll be by myself and I'll catch myself thinking only of you. I'm content just having just having you around. I need you around. Do you understand now? I'm in this forever. I love you and I will tell you everyday until you believe you." Derek countered. Spencer could only stare in silence as Derek came busting through every wall he erected in self defense.

"All these walls and insecurities are just you trying to keep me out. You believe that I will leave at the first fight, the first difficulty. Spencer. I. Will. Never. Leave. You, I will never hurt you" Derek said soft but intense. He then pressed a chaste kiss to Spencer's temple, cheek, and forehead.

"I love you." Derek mumbled into Spencer hair. Spencer returned the embrace. The duo stood in the middle of the room hugging tightly for a few moments before breaking apart.

"Come on, Pretty Boy. Let's head in to catch this SOB." The two grabbed their things and headed to the car to drive to the station.

They both were quiet. Spencer trying to process the conversation and Derek was letting him.

"Spencer opened his mouth wanting to say something but didn't know what. He was in love with Derek for years. Spencer was in love with everything Derek Morgan. Spencer loved his spirit and heart and spencer loved him. He didn't know how to say this aloud.

"Pretty Boy, let's take it one day at a time. Think it over, take your time. I will not pressure you. You have your reasons for hiding this. I don't believe for a second you will be over your doubt after our talk this morning. The only thing that will change is that we are aware of each other. I won't force anything from you or on you. I am your friend first and foremost." Derek clapped Spencer of the shoulder and Spencer forced a smile. They arrived at the busy station, the two of them a little late.

"Morgan, Reid, get in here you are late." Hotch said from the bull pen.

"Sorry, Spencer slept late due to his cold." Morgan started. Spencer instantly began to make coffee. Spencer was trying not to freak out but a lot was said and not said. Spencer remembered reading somewhere that some soul bonds could tune in to emotions and even vague thoughts. ‘It is possible that Derek and I's bond is fledging and unsure-while they weren't looking and is growing in power. We could have a 1 in a million bond. Or he just knows me that well.' Spencer sunk into his thoughts, almost pouring too much sugar into his coffee.

"Did you know a touch of salt will cut the bitterness of coffee out? That much sugar probably isn't good for you." Matthew said from behind him. Spencer jumped violently, splashing hot coffee over his fingers.

"Shit." Spencer muttered under his breath. He ran his singed fingers under some lukewarm water to prevent stinging.

"I'm so sorry." Matthew said urgently. He pulled Spencer's fingers from under the water, blowing on them softly.

Spencer ripped his hands out of Matthew's grip. stumbling slightly backwards into a firm chest. "Don't you fucking touch me." Spencer snarled. Matthew shrunk back in distress.

"Spence. talk to me. What happened?" Derek murmured into his hair and grabbed Spencer's wrists from behind to examine his fingers leaning down and surrounding Spencer with his arms and shoulder.

Spencer leaned back, taking the comfort from his friend, shaking his head in dismissal. "Nothing. He just got to close is all." Derek hummed and released Spencer's hands letting his touch linger.

"Okay. You sure you don't need anything?" Derek asked. Spencer's personal space bubble was large on a normal day let alone during a high intensity care while fighting a cold.

Matthew sighed at the affection and closeness between the two men, the foundation of years of friendship was nothing to scoff at. He knew now, he never had a chance.

"Morgan, I am fine." Spencer's tone was fond but had a hint of resignation, like this is a conversation they have had before and he knew that they would have again and again and again. Derek nodded before stepping between Spencer and Matthew and made a cup of coffee prefect for the genius.

" Come on. Gideon and Hotch want you. This is your time to shine. I think you will be pretty sick of pigs and Latin by the end of the day. Also, I am thinking we need too plan an undercover op. But later." Derek then used his hand on the small of Spencer's back to unoppressively maneuver him to his map room.

Spencer huffed a laugh. "I could never tire of Latin and if I were to tire of pig anything, I think I would have already considering all the time I spend with you."

"Did-did you just make a joke? At my expense? and the expense of my badge? How dare you Dr. Reid. Be ashamed of yourself." Derek smiled down at his companion.

"Me? ashamed? Ne-Ver. Also I am very funny thank you!" Spencer stuck his nose in the air and glanced away. A quick smile and a wink later Spencer was in his room leaving a gaping Derek Morgan in the doorway.

"Close your mouth, you'll catch flies." J.J, said, tapping his jaw. "He can flirt can't he? If he left you speechless then this is going even better than I though it would." J.J. chuckled. She swished away leaving Morgan alone as quick as she joined him. Derek quickly shook himself and fell into step behind Spencer.

Gideon and Hotch were patiently waiting at the front of the room. They saw Spencer in front of Derek, who had a possessive look in his eye and his hand on the small of his back. "Everything alright boys?" Hotch was aware that several of the LEO's had been harassing Spencer but not sure if this was a result of that or something else.

"Yeah. All's good. I handled it." Spencer said. He was short and almost to blasé about it for the comfort of the other BAU members.

"What happened Spencer? Something obviously made you upset and Derek too." J.J said. She believe the flirting moment earlier to be irrelevant to the current discussion.

"Nothing, Really. Matthew spooked me on accident and then got to close and I snapped at him. He was touching me and in my space and it made me uncomfortable. To say the least." Derek nodded in agreement.

" Okay. Gideon and J.J and I updated the profile from the breakthrough yesterday. Our only problem is the translating. Garcia has built a program for the relevant places but we need spencer to translate the writing and such. Until that is finished we just have to hope we start getting ahead of this guy. The rest of us will be re-interviewing the families and go through the effects and revisit any locations." Hotch explained.

"I'll handle the press. Derek, can you go through the victims effects again? you obsessive behavior and compulsion knowledge will only help in this situation." J.J said. Hotch nodded in agreement and the team split. J.J went to answer press questions and Derek decided it would be best to go through the effects in chronological order.

He pulled out victim #1 and the file. Leonard Davis's effects were spread out on the table by loitering staff. The file wasn't much help, which Derek assumed before he began reading it. The important things would come from the notes Leonard had written both about himself and about the meetings. Leonard's notes were written on scraps of paper or in margins of pages. just a quick date written out fully and a string of GPS numbers. Derek gathered all the writings attached to the cult and with a guilty mind went to see Spencer.

Spencer was in the map room, this time with an added table and rolling whiteboard. The room was getting full. Markers of all types and shades were waiting to be used. Spencer was busy fliting from his other boards correcting and honing the details. Derek didn't want to spook the genius, trying to avoid ruining anything in the room by having it get nudged the wrong way. "Knock, knock?" Derek said. His attempt to not startled Spencer did the exact opposite. Spencer jumped and squawked, a rouge elbow catching a stack of papers making it wobble precariously. When Spencer saw it was Derek, he smiled.

"Hey, Derek. Of course, five minutes in and you have something for me. And we all thought I would be the one to break this case wide open. All I have done since getting here is catch a cold and ride on your coattails." Spencer flashed a self-depreciating smile, but quickly shook it off. "Give me one minute." Spencer was nimble in straightening the askew pile of papers and reading an open spot on one of the tables beckoning the other man over.

"Oh? So now were are admitting that you have a cold? Someone call the press. First time for everything. And You have not been riding on my coattails. We are a team. Sometimes we help each other. Anyway, I was going through all of Leonard's stuff. He was the first victim. I was just wondering, why Leonard? Like we know that it was because his name means Lion in Greek. But like why does he chose these people? Is there something he sees in them or doesn't see in them?" Derek asked. He was talking to the void but also talking to Spencer. "Anyway, all his notes seem to be just the basics. Where and when. I brought in the few scribbles about the meeting itself. Seems as time goes by, Leonard begins to document for some reason." Derek looked over to Spencer who was already looking at the paper scraps. "Spencer, I can't translate but I can read a map."

Spencer waved him off. "I will be fine. This is my job remember. My specialty. Geological profiles. You are better helping me with going through the effects. You will know what is important to tell me or not. You will be able to synthesize and think better with all the pieces. I think better with a few pieces." Spencer was emphatic with his refusal. The force of his voice caught his throat and kicked up a terrible coughing fit. A deep. full-chested hacking cough that caused his face to tighten in discomfort.

"Reid!" Derek lurched towards Spencer paying no attention to the paper stacks on any table. He rushed to his-Spencer and helped him sit on the floor. "I knew this would happen. I knew you would get stressed out and make yourself worse." Derek mumble under his breath.

"Oh, Would you rather I sit this one out while you call up the other expert geological profiler? Or I can leave and wait till you catch him next year. No. I am needed and so are you. We have to do our jobs Derek. Anyways, it was my fault. I stressed my throat too much. Go. I will be fine. I am going to catch my breath and do some translating, that requires no exertion." Spencer slowly inhaled a lungful of air a let it go in small puffs.

"Fine, I will leave. Yell if you need me." Derek gave Spencer an intense meaningful look. Spencer blushed and nodded. Derek stood up at the same time he trailed his fingertips over where he knew Spencer's soulmate mark was hidden. "Anything you need, Pretty Boy." Derek murmured low and warm. Spencer sighed light and soft at the touch, as if relieve of pain or a burden. Derek felt his soul thrum. With that one sound Derek knew Spencer felt the bond as new as it was just as much as he did. That one small sigh gave him all the hope he needed to get through this case and get home, to court his soulmate the right way.

They parted. Derek forcing himself to leave his sick soulmate on the floor to go back to his evidence searching. Derek sorted what he was finding into a Spencer and Team pile.

Spencer sat on the floor of his room for a few more moments trying to recover. Derek's touch and heat-filled promise hard thrown him off more than the coughing fit. 'Maybe he really does want me?!' He thought. 'Then why didn't he say anything before he found out we were soulmates?' Spencer shook his head, not wanting to think of anything but the case for a while. Matter of the heart were too confusing when healthy let alone as sick and distracted as he was. He got up to the table and started flipping through notes, writing on the board, making notes. "He wasn't persuaded." Spencer mumbled under his breath.

"What was that Dr. Reid?" Hotch';s voice came from the doorway.

"Pardon me, sir?" Reid looked up from the paper he was reading.

"I wanted to know what you just said. You mumbled something." Hotchner said.

"Oh? Oh. Leonard. He didn't have much affection for this stuff. He felt it was a slight waste. At least early on. Leonard wrote dates on scraps of paper, then small memo pads then eventually after several meetings, he began putting it into his phone with his other important info. As a young adult, he had to have used his phone for everything. He planned appointments, routes, meetings, extra-circulars. He didn't start adding the RR meetings until almost two months had gone by. That could be when the UnSub gained an interest in him?" Reid explained.

"He was hesitant but something changed?" Hotchner paraphrased. Spencer nodded. "Good work. What about places?" Hotchner said. "Garcia's working on that. I a translating what I can from pig latin. I find the location and she plots them via GPS or tells me where they lead and I mark it. We are looking for a common location or a central point. I needed some more resources, so the guy I sent should be back soon." Spencer replied.

"Fine, you and Garcia do all the work. Like always. Make the rest of us look bad. Sorry, we can't all be geniuses." Hotch said with light amusement. Spencer smiled at his superior, before waving him away.

The day continued through much of the same. Spencer was handed page after page after page of things needed translated. He actually adopted a secretary of sorts to photo-copy the pages so he could dictate the translation or write it down with the source for easy references. It was very tedious work but He tried to pull every letter of information out that he could. He needed to use everything he could to get his team a step ahead of this UnSub.

"Sugar plum? Did you hear me? Are you still there?" Garcia came over the speaker on the main table.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. What did you say? Spencer said absently. He was twirling a pen like a drumstick, attention on the map in front of him.

" Spencer! Pay attention." Garcia barked.

"Garcia, you found something?" Spencer turned away from his board and addressed the speaker on the table. This could be the break he was hoping for. Something they could finally act on.

"Yeah. Maybe. A warehouse keeps coming up. I recognize the string of coordinates." Garcia said. "Every victim has it at least for times. Do you want me to map out the crime scenes? We may have just found the location for meetings. I will need some time to render all these and see how it goes."

"I will need the locations as you find them. The English to Greek translations or English to pig latin translations may shine some light on things too. So I guess we keep going." Spencer said.

"Awesome, stud muffin. We will get there soon. I can feel it. Take care of yourself and let Derek care for you too." Garcia said. She signed off with a quick "Bye!"

Spencer decided now would be a good time to take a break. He needed some food or a drink or a nap. He staggered out the door, almost tripping over Matthew. Spencer started with a yelp of surprise which triggered a coughing fit. Spencer was bent over coughing his lungs out for the first time in a bit. 'My cough has not gotten better apparently.' Spencer thought wryly.

Derek looked up to see Spencer bent over trying not to cough himself into vomiting episode. "Spencer! Did you miss a dose? I am sorry. I should have been paying attention." Derek rushed over, gently sitting his partner down on a chair. Derek crouched next to him, coaching him to breathe. Once Spencer caught his breath, Derek handed over a fresh coffee and a packet of cold meds. Derek knelt in front of Spencer, using his bulk to protect Spencer from the eyes in the precinct bullpen. Spencer took his medicine and pressed his forehead into Derek's shoulder.

"Spence?" Derek asked soft as a feather. Spencer hummed in response. "I know you are working hard. I know that you are tired, and ill. I am sorry. I need you to get up. I will see if I can get you food. But no one else can do this but you. We and these victims need you to do this. I don't want to ask you to keep pushing but I have to." Derek's voice broke several times while speaking. Spencer sighed heavily, pressed closer for just a moment, inhaling deeply and nodded.

"I know. I will get this done. Thank you for believing in me, I need to get another coffee and you need to get me food." Spencer headed over to make another coffee. He disappeared into the map room once he made it.

Two and half hours later Spencer looked up from a stack of papers to see Garcia was calling. He answered and almost passed out from the first statement.

"Spencer! We did it. All the victims have that warehouse several times even the most recent one. The warehouse seems to be the beginning of the constellation of Hercules too. His foot starts here and the constellation builds up to the upper right to build the image. Each location is a point on the image somewhere. It isn't even close to being finished though. I think we can confidently say this is where we need to be looking." Garcia said. Her excitement was tangible over the phone.

"Okay. I will let everyone know. I will keep you posted. I think this case will get harder before it gets better." Spencer got a bad feeling in his gut.

"Okay. Let me know what happens next." Garcia said. Spencer pessimism bringing her down a bit. Spencer felt a bit bad about that but shook it off. He hurried out the door, an urgency to his movements making people move out of his way before he got to them.

"Morgan. Hotch. Gideon." Spencer panted in front of them on the opposite side of the precinct from his map room. "We did it. We found the RR meeting location. The most recent date I can find is in three days. We might have finally gotten ahead of everything." Spencer flopped down in a chair, side-eyeing the other men. Who were speechless.

"Pretty boy. You did it. You figured it out. You found it?" Derek asked. Spencer wiggled in his seat.

"Yes and no. We found the location for the meetings. We still don't know who the UnSub is. There is still a lot to do. Garcia and I mapped it and every location falls on the plane of the constellation. But we have a start technically. And a very small window to plan." Spencer replied.

"Go back to the hotel, Derek. And take him with you. You need a good night sleep. We will figure out what to do in the morning. We will get this guy. We are almost there. We have almost a week until the next victim and three days till the meeting. I am thinking we should let this meeting go without interference. Or someone who name is not in the myth, so we can observe. We will discuss in the morning." Gideon dismissed the two men for the night. He and Aaron already had their stuff gathered for the night.

"Tomorrow we will decide what to do." Hotch agreed. The two supervisory agents left. Derek turned to Spencer.

"Go find J.J. We will take her with us. We can go. Good as time as ever to take a break." Spencer nodded and went to do what Derek said. Derek gathered their things and they all met at the door. Spencer having filled J.J in as they got ready.

"Told you Spencer. This case depends on you and your abilities. We will find this guy. Thanks to you." J.J. said as they left the precinct.

Derek did not like the cold chill her words sent down his spine. He stepped closer to Spencer out of instinct.

Anything or anyone that wanted to get to Spencer would have to go through him first.

Previous // Next

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Okay! So that is the last chapter I have ready! I am working on chapter 8 but that may be a bit. I have this and Need Some TLC to update and a third one I want to start, I am hoping to have it all done by Friday. cause that is when Hamilton is released.

#saundrasays #saundraswriting #dr. spencer reid #derek morgan #spencer x derek #spencer reid x derek morgan #Hercules fic #morgreid #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #cm fanfiction

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nerdysakura · 5 years

Text

Dearest, Jonghyun, my moon, my star

I must have written this letter over a thousand times in my head. And now that I’m here, it’s still so hard for me and I’m afraid I won’t be able to put my feelings into words properly. I’m not sure how long it’ll be so bear with me. To be honest, it’s been a such a hard year, I’m surprised I made it. All I can say is that like what Kibum said when asked how SHINee stayed as a group as long as 10 years together, “We’ve endured.” That’s basically how it is. I’ve endured this year. And I’m sure I’ll endure the rest of the years in my life as I have been. The days seemed to pass by excruciatingly slow in the beginning and yet, here we are already a year later in the blink of an eye. There were days that were harder than others, of course. The pain and denial are still here. I’m sorry I’m still crying for you when such a long time has passed. How I wished every day you were still with us. I’m sorry for always being so selfish.

I’ve had time to look back this year; to see where I went wrong, I guess. The first thing that comes to mind is the “feeling”. I can’t pinpoint what the exact day or time was, but I’m sure it was days or maybe a week or two before you left. I remember opening the door to exit through the staff side one day at the end of my shift (it must’ve been an afternoon because the sun was still out) and I was consumed with what I can compare to a panic or anxiety attack. This “feeling” I don’t know how to describe it per se, but I felt like the world was going to come to an end. Literally what crossed my mind was “the world is going to end” and I was hyperventilating, this feeling almost knocked me off my feet I had to keep myself up with the wall. I was panicking, I was scared, I started crying for no reason other than this feeling that consumed me. And then I stopped. I took deep breathes and said, “No. This is not 2012. We’re in 2017. This is still my year (year of the Rooster like Taeminnie). We’re still alive. We’re okay. We’re fine. Everything will be okay.” I went down the list of those I cared about, my mom, my sisters, my brother, my friends, we were all fine. And my thoughts went to SHINee. We were still waiting for Onew but you had all promised to be back together as five and you were all doing solo work then but I had hope that for your 10th anniversary you’d all be back as five as promised, and I repeated that until I calmed down enough to continue walking to my car. As usual, I put K-Pop on for my commute home. I haven’t felt that surging feeling of the world ending before other than the anxiety before 2012, but I remember, when my pet bird Patches passed away when I was in high school, I felt something, a sense of peace pass through me, like a soul touching my own, as if she traveled to where I was in school to bid me farewell. And I called my mom during a break to my next class to ask how she was doing. She said she was fine and was resting; it wasn’t until when I got home that we found out she had passed in her sleep. As I looked back on that this year, I often wondered if when I had that feeling if that’s the exact moment you decided it was your time to go and made the preparations for it. I’m not saying I have this deep, profound connection to you or SHINee or anything like that, but it could be that my love for you and SHINee is so strong that when such a decision was made the weight of what it would feel to me was equivalent of the world coming to an end. The coincidence in timing...I can’t ignore it. I’m sure that’s what it was. And I wondered if I had taken that feeling seriously if I hadn’t dismissed it and consoled myself that everything was fine if what happened could have been avoided. I HAD that feeling, I should’ve acted on it. I’m sorry I failed you.

This year, I tried consoling myself yet again saying that there’s no way I could have known the implications of how true that feeling would come to pass. And maybe that’s true, but it doesn’t erase the guilt. I remember when the initial photos came out days after your INSPIRED concert, I wondered why you had such a look? You were looking out into the audience as if for the last time. Your eyes were twinkling as if to say you would miss seeing the pearlescent aqua ocean. You were trying to hide your tears from us, and I wondered why; you’ve never hidden them before. They were always tears of gratitude; after all, you were always sensitive and true with your feelings towards us even when you said in an interview you cry in front of others when you’re comfortable with that person, and we love and accept that about you. But this look was especially evident when you were in your white turtleneck and suit. I’m not sure why but I couldn’t bring myself to watch the videos other than the VCRs, maybe it was because of that look. You were cherishing each moment on that stage, you might have already known by then it would be your last time seeing us and wanted to take it all in one last time. Even in your upbeat songs where you were smiling and having fun, you were careful on stage and somewhat guarded, but I felt you were cherishing and savoring every moment. Even before this concert, “Our Season” was a such a sweet song but one I wasn’t able to listen to, and I wasn’t sure why. Ever since reading the lyrics after the album came out I felt like you were saying goodbye with that song, and the fact that it was the last song on Story Op.2 didn’t help either. That song was one of the few stages I had time to watch and to see you with that look on you had me crying and again, it was like you were saying goodbye and sorry to us. The words you wrote, the way you sang the lyrics to that song in those days left me uneasy and crying and I wasn’t sure of the reason why until days later. That week I was busy preparing for a convention that weekend so although I felt all that, I didn’t have time to process it completely. And that weekend as soon as I got home I would pass out and sleep right away. Still, that weekend was the most fun I had. I remember driving home on the last day telling my sister how inspired I was, I was excited about the Korean Language classes I was about to take, learning more K-Pop dances was my resolution for the new year starting from the beginning with SHINee’s Replay, and perform it in the dance cover contest. I was sure it was only a matter of time before they announced Jinki was innocent and dropped of all charges and we’d have an amazing 10th anniversary year together. But then Monday came and it felt like the world was going to end when I heard the news. My world came crumbling down. Winter has come again, you who said you resemble winter came back. Now it really has become “Our Season.” I’m sorry, I should’ve figured it out sooner.

The first song that came on shuffle when I decided I couldn’t let the happiness you brought me to disappear was Mono-Drama. It was the first song by you that I fully related to. The one in your first solo album I love the most since it’s a rare song to hear you in your lower register. At that time I was glad that was the first song that came up because it was a song I was taken aback by. Often growing up, I never had to courage to tell my crushes I like them, so like in Mono-Drama I would create scenarios in my head of what our relationship would be like. Those scenarios became stories I write of my favorite anime. I was amazed at how someone I love and admire completely could understand me with just one song? Have you made Mono-Drama’s too? Now though, I wondered if you were telling me I’ve been living in a Mono-Drama this whole time. Have I really been so disillusioned? I know the happiness you’ve given us wasn’t a lie. I never imagined being with any of SHINee. All I wished for was to meet you and say thank you. Be there for you, be a friends with you all and share your concerns. Is there more I could have done? Was there ever something I could have done? Even now I feel so helpless. There are countless ‘what ifs’ I’ll never have an answer to.

You were never one to hide from us. We respected the privacy you decided to keep to yourself. It’s hard for me to say but I have the same condition as you did. “ Seasonal Affective Disorder “ you called it. And when you explained what it was, it was like a light bulb when off. “Ah, so that’s what it is, I feel that too Jonghyunnie. We can get through this, I know it,” I said to myself when I found out. It comes in the same months as yours too. Through your radio show, I found we’re a lot alike. And of course, I found comfort in your words like so many others. It’s hard for me to express myself, I’m very introverted. And I never voice my concerns to my friends or family. I’m their “rock”, you see. I drive my mom and older sister to work and on errands, I help with the laundry and dishes and housework, I take on most of the bills and keep track of their due dates, I help my mom navigate the ever-growing technical advances, I’m the lending ear and the one who always has to be strong for them. I can’t let them see me crack or else they might lose that pillar of support I try to provide. It’s hard sometimes to show a happy face when the pressure is consuming you, right? When “End of a Day” first came out, I cried to that song for an hour before even reading the lyrics. I just felt your words, without knowing their meaning. And once I did I cried to it again. That song comforted me more than I can ever express. It came out during a time when I needed to hear those words the most. It was then that you taught me, it’s okay to cry sometime when things are hard. “Just take a nice long cry in front of a mirror,” you once said. And I’ve used that advice. You taught me it’s okay to feel frustrated and cry and not be okay all the time. To take a day or evening for myself and Just Chill to watch tv, a drama, read a book or listen to music; that it’s okay to put something off Until Tomorrow when I’m in a better state. That’s why I always dreamed of meeting you one day, preferably in a fan sign event and tell you in person, “Thank you. You’ve worked hard, too. Thank you so much.” I wanted to sing that song for you at the Korean Festival in my town this year but didn’t make it in. I’m sorry, I wish I could have given a tribute to you but I’m still lacking. I’m sorry I couldn’t say those words back to you in person.

This first half of the year has been especially hard. All of “You & I” was basically me during that time. The lyrics especially “My friends comforted me, So I don’t think I feel sad [...] I’m the only one hurting, I may look fine. I’m not easy, my feeling aren’t for decoration. There are countless stars in my heart. There’s one star that shines painfully. I don’t want to grab it, but I don’t want it to go out.” That song was one I found comfort in as well this year. It let me know that I’m not alone. There are a couple people I’m thankful to for helping me get through this year. First I’m so incredibly thankful to my two friends who stuck with me this entire year. I’d rather stay in my room like you, I’m not good in a social setting, but they brought me out to play games, play just dance, hang out, eat, vent, talk, comfort, really when I’ve been with them, I don’t think I felt sad. They kept me happy and smiling this year I’m so incredibly lucky to have them. They understood my feelings for you because they’re also fans of yours. It didn’t matter how much of a short while they were with you, we’ve been healing together. I wish I could do more and introduce them to more of SHINee but baby steps. We’re still hurting. I’ve never thought about leaving as you did as much as I did this year. And it’s been scary, to say the least, how many times I’ve considered it in the last twelve months. But I thought of the pain I’ve felt. I don’t want to put my loved ones through this. I don’t think I could move on if I did. Second, I’m so thankful to my sister especially. Even just seeing her at her desk, just having her alive with me kept me going. Honestly, if she left too I might just join her. She struggles with depression as you did so I’m always scared something will happen that will take her away from me. My world might literally crumble down if she left me too. Even if she’s always busy with projects, so we can’t always hang out, the fact that she’s here with me gives me the strength to keep going too. And of course, thirdly, you and SHINee mean so much to me. It must have been harder for your brothers who knew you so well but I’m incredibly thankful to the members this year. They gave us three amazing EPs, four beautiful title tracks to make one epic 10th-anniversary album (which I’m certain your vocals were in more than that one song). Taeminnie’s space filled Japanese full album and Key’s and Onew’s solo album have given me strength as the year wraps up just as The Story of Light did to get me through your 10th anniversary and your album Poet | Artist has at the beginning of the year. They didn’t have to come back, everyone would understand if they decided not to, but they decided met with us, heal with us, and cried with us. Truly our hearts were one this promotion period. Have you heard our voices well? We’ll continue to sing for you, so your voices reach you wherever you are. There’s still a long way to go but I won’t give up. For me, there are always countless reasons of why I need you. The five of you are my words, my sentences, my entire language. The page in the novel has yet to end. We’ll keep writing it together. I want to stay together until the end. I can’t thank SHINee enough for what they’ve done this year. Yes, we’re still hurting and mourning but we’re going through this time together. And I’m sure you’re supporting them just as much, if not more, from where you are now as you did here.

During one of your last insta-lives, you were searching for Korean Shawols to notice you. You were asking what to do to fight off your lethargy and depression. I and so many others knew of your Seasonal Affective Disorder, you weren’t hiding it from us, so I guess that’s why it’s been so hard trying to come out from this. I just wish I was able to help you then, but I, like so many international Shawols, don’t speak or understand Korean unless kind fans translate for us. I’ve been trying to learn before; Since my dream to meet you and SHINee and say “Thank you” I’ve slowly been trying to learn Korean for you. But I was too late in helping you. Every night I thought, “if only I understood what you were saying then, could I have said or done something to help? To still have you here with us? I had the feeling, I should’ve acted on it. If only I could express myself in Korean to you.” Which is why this year I’ve buckled down and found a Korean church that offers language classes. I’m moving on to level three hopefully next semester, but I’m still nowhere near where I want to be. I know a lot more now but I can’t always understand a full passage or when the teachers are talking to each other. Still, I promise to keep working hard to better communicate with the other members and you too, of course. Maybe next year I’ll write to you fully in Korean? You’ve struggled for so long. And even if there is nothing I could have done, I still wish there was. I miss you. There hasn’t been one day this year when I haven’t thought of you or missed you. I could see and hear where you’d be incorporated into the songs and choreography for The Story of Light. I know there are others who blame SM but I don’t. This was your decision. Your company supported you and trusted in you. You had the first solo album completely composed by the singer. They trusted you with writing for your group, for other artists, for yourself and expressing yourself in your music. They could have given you songs from other producers but no, they supported you and your music and gave you the freedom to express yourself through your solo career and as a radio DJ. I thought listening to your worries was enough since that’s all I could do. I wasn’t fluent enough in Korean to help you just yet, but I was wrong and awful to think that was enough, I’m sorry.

It was hard to listen to anything by you or with SHINee at first, I’ll admit, but when I was able to fully listen to SHINee again this year, I couldn’t feel sad, I just couldn’t. You’ve all brought such me incredible happiness with your music it’s like I’ve been conditioned to feel nothing but love and happiness when listening to you all. So that when the time came, those first initial feelings of what your songs made me feel came flooding back. I was surprised, I thought it’d be painful with the reality of not hearing you again sing all these songs and performing them together. But instead, the feeling when listening to you all together was of comfort and happiness just as it’s always been. I understand how hard it must’ve been for you to be in the spotlight for so long. But one thing I’m sure of is that you loved the stage, you loved your members, you loved Shawols, you loved writing, you loved composing, you loved music. And to not listen to SHINee or your work would be a dishonor to all the hard work you’ve put in over the years, the feelings you pouring into your songs, the hours of practice you put into before every performance. You are more than this day. SHINee is more than this day, and it’d be a shame to put all your work to waste. We can’t let you become a taboo subject. So I’ll keep supporting and loving 5HINee as I've always had throughout the years. You won’t be forgotten, I won’t allow it. To all Shawols, old and new, let’s continue as well, even if it’s hard, please keep listening to SHINee and Jonghyun.

Of course, I’m aware there are songs that are hard for me to listen to, for me too. Though Story Op.2 is one of my favorite albums by you I finally understand that story you were telling us then. It’s an album I can relate to the most so it’s sad and hard for me to listen to it fully now that I know the ending. I was confused by the lyrics in Fireplace when I first read them, and now it makes perfect sense. I’m sorry. I was too absorbed in how well I relate to you I couldn’t say the words you wanted to hear most in the time you needed to. That being said, the songs in that album both hurt and comfort me, I know I’m not alone, but for you, I’ll keep going. Thank you for all you gave us, the smiles, laughs, jokes, tears of joy, words of comfort, happiness, your kindness, the memes. Thank you for letting us hear your voice, for sharing your talent, for opening your heart, for letting us love you, the real you, for giving it your all on everything you did be it music, variety shows, performing with SHINee or as simply Jonghyun, for taking the time to reach out and connect with us through Blue Night or your social media. Thank you for being you. I don’t blame you for leaving, I find I blame myself more though I know you wouldn’t want me to. You’ve struggled a lot, and I wish there was more I could’ve done for you. I never noticed how little of the moon I actually see until this year. But whenever the moon appeared I would smile because it felt like you were up there, poking out from a cloud to say hello. I could feel you’re still here in my heart and always I would give you a thumbs up and said you did well. I wish I could have helped you as you did me. But that’s just me being selfish again. I’m sorry, I still can’t send you off with a smile. All I can do is apologize to you every night. Writing this has been hard. But know that I love you and miss you always. You’ve done enough. Thank you for working so hard. I hope you are in peace and are happy. You’ve done well. truly you did well. You are my pride.

With love,

Forever a Shawol

#SHINee #Jonghyun #KimJonghyun #181218 #I miss you #You did well #I love you

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forsetti · 6 years

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On Defending Misogyny: Ross Douthat Edition

Ross Douthat’s latest nonsense in the New York Times is quite the pile of crap, even when compared to other piles of crap written by Douthat. Here is my take on the article (Douthat’s article in bold.) One lesson to be drawn from recent Western history might be this: Sometimes the extremists and radicals and weirdos see the world more clearly than the respectable and moderate and sane. All kinds of phenomena, starting as far back as the Iraq War and the crisis of the euro but accelerating in the age of populism, have made more sense in the light of analysis by reactionaries and radicals than as portrayed in the organs of establishment opinion. Not one single person with an ounce of credibility thinks that extremists and radicals and weirdos see the world clearly because SEEING THE WORLD CLEARLY IS ANTITHETICAL TO BEING AN EXTREMISTS, RADICAL, OR WEIRDO. The ONLY way Douthat's statement makes any sense is if he thinks people with enough common sense to know invading Iraq on bogus reasons with zero plan on what to do after the initial invasion was a fucking horrible idea, were extremist, radical, weirdo.

This is part of why there’s been so much recent agitation over universities and op-ed pages and other forums for debate. There’s a general understanding that the ideological mainstream isn’t adequate to the moment, but nobody can decide whether that means we need purges or pluralism, a spirit of curiosity and conversation or a furious war against whichever side you think is evil.

For those more curious than martial, one useful path through this thicket is to look at areas where extremists and eccentrics from very different worlds are talking about the same subject. Such overlap is no guarantee of wisdom, but it’s often a sign that there’s something interesting going on.

A classic Douthat move-lay out a completely bogus claim right out of the block and then construct a whole argument on top of it.

Which brings me to the sex robots. People having opinions about the Iraq war and the European Union logically leads us to sex robots because of course it fucking does.

Well, actually, first it brings me to the case of Robin Hanson, a George Mason economist, libertarian and noted brilliant weirdo. Commenting on the recent terrorist violence in Toronto, in which a self-identified “incel” — that is, involuntary celibate — man sought retribution against women and society for denying him the fornication he felt that he deserved, Hanson offered this provocation: If we are concerned about the just distribution of property and money, why do we assume that the desire for some sort of sexual redistribution is inherently ridiculous?

If you use “libertarian,” you don't get to follow it up with “brilliant.” Never....fucking ever. As crazy as that juxtaposition of terms is the casual acceptance by Douthat of what “incel” means is even more disturbing. The idea that women in society have to have sex with men is repulsive on every level. That someone gives voice to this notion and give it its own term is fucked up beyond reason. Sorry men, women are not here for you to have sex with. Here's a thought, if men want to have sex with women, then maybe, just maybe, they should behave in ways that women deem appropriate enough to where they will give up their bodies willingly to them. Anything short of this is misogyny at the least and rape a the most. After all, he wrote, “one might plausibly argue that those with much less access to sex suffer to a similar degree as those with low income, and might similarly hope to gain from organizing around this identity, to lobby for redistribution along this axis and to at least implicitly threaten violence if their demands are not met.” Let me de-fuckify this statement because it is a Ceasar's Word Salad of nonsense. “Men who don't get as much sex as they want, think they deserve, need to band together to find ways, even through violence, to get women to fuck them against their wills.”

This argument was not well received by people closer to the mainstream than Professor Hanson, to put it mildly. A representative response from Slate’s Jordan Weissmann, “Is Robin Hanson the Creepiest Economist in America?”, cited the post along with some previous creepy forays to dismiss Hanson as a misogynist weirdo not that far removed from the franker misogyny of toxic online males.

I can't understand why the “mainstream” would find the unionization of violent, horny men hell-bent on making women their sexual subjects offensive. But, see what Douthat has done. He has already constructed his argument where the mainstream is the ones who don't “see the world clearly.” Since the mainstream has been pigeon-holed as not seeing reality for what it really is, then it logically follows for Douthat that their view cannot be correct.

But Hanson’s post made me immediately think of a recent essay in The London Review of Books by Amia Srinivasan, “Does Anyone Have the Right To Sex?” Srinivasan, an Oxford philosophy professor, covered similar ground (starting with an earlier “incel” killer) but expanded the argument well beyond the realm of male chauvinists to consider groups with whom The London Review’s left-leaning and feminist readers would have more natural sympathy — the overweight and disabled, minority groups treated as unattractive by the majority, trans women unable to find partners and other victims, in her narrative, of a society that still makes us prisoners of patriarchal and also racist-sexist-homophobic rules of sexual desire.

There is a lot to unpack here. First, Douthat uses a philosopher, in order to bolster the credibility of his argument. As someone with two degrees in philosophy, I can tell you that there are a lot of batshit crazy people with philosophy degrees who throw out outlandish arguments for no other reason than to be controversial and get their shit published in order to placate the Publish or Perish Gods. Second, having sympathy for how a culture views and treats groups outside the accepted norms like “overweight,” “trans,” “disabled,”... who have a difficult time having sex for a host of reasons is, to quote Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, “...ain't the same fucking ballpark. It ain't the same league. It ain't even the same fucking sport.” Third, Douthat, a devout Catholic who has carried water for the patriarchy, for misogynists, for homophobes...for years now doesn't get to pretend he is worried about the very structure he helped build.

Srinivasan ultimately answered her title question in the negative: “There is no entitlement to sex, and everyone is entitled to want what they want.” But her negative answer was a qualified one. While “no one has a right to be desired,” at the same time “who is desired and who isn’t is a political question,” which left-wing and feminist politics might help society answer differently someday. This wouldn’t instantiate a formal right to sex, exactly, but if the new order worked as its revolutionary architects intended, sex would be more justly distributed than it is today.

Not only did Douthat use a philosopher to bolster his argument, he completely misused their words in order to do so. Notice how he uses Srinivasan's comment, “who is desired and who isn't is a political question,” and dovetails his own comment “which left-wing and feminist politics might help society answer differently someday,” as if they were one and the same statement. Every culture has their own ideas of what is/isn't sexually desirable. It has nothing to do with “left-wing” or “feminist” politics. Some cultures sexually value heavier companions, those with smaller feet, those with longer necks, those with fairer skin... We can argue the rationality of all of these but none of them are based on leftist or feminist beliefs. In fact, left-leaning and feminists would argue the fuck against these arbitrary sexual values.

A number of the critics I saw engaging with Srinivasan’s essay tended to respond the way a normal center-left writer like Weissmann engaged with Hanson’s thought experiment — by commenting on its weirdness or ideological extremity rather than engaging fully with its substance. But to me, reading Hanson and Srinivasan together offers a good case study in how intellectual eccentrics — like socialists and populists in politics — can surface issues and problems that lurk beneath the surface of more mainstream debates.

By this I mean that as offensive or utopian the redistribution of sex might sound, the idea is entirely responsive to the logic of late-modern sexual life, and its pursuit would be entirely characteristic of a recurring pattern in liberal societies.

Shorter Douthat: “Smart people reacting honestly to the arguments of a libertarian nut job don't know what the fuck they are doing but I, a dyed-in-the-wool social conservative does because of some magical reason that is never explained.” If you think placating angry, resentful, horny men is the way to utopia, I'm pretty sure you are either stupid as fuck and/or just about the most intellectually dishonest person I've ever read.

First, because like other forms of neoliberal deregulation the sexual revolution created new winners and losers, new hierarchies to replace the old ones, privileging the beautiful and rich and socially adept in new ways and relegating others to new forms of loneliness and frustration. Douthat's use of “neoliberal” was done on purpose and as meaningless as the term itself. What Douthat really means by this statement is, “In the past, men could do whatever the fuck they wanted to women, whenever they wanted and women had to take it because that is the fucking way it was. Now men can't do this and they are having a sad about it so we need to blame the women and those who support them instead of the fuck wad misogynists who were morally wrong 50, 100, 200... years ago for their behaviors.”

Second, because in this new landscape, and amid other economic and technological transformations, the sexes seem to be struggling generally to relate to one another, with social and political chasms opening between them and not only marriage and family but also sexual activity itself in recent decline.

“The sexes seem to be struggling generally to relate to one another, with social and political chasms opening up between them.” Holy Both-Fucking-Siderism! NO!!! The “sexes” are not having a problem. MEN caught up in an archaic belief system are having a problem-a big fucking problem. Douthat doesn't get to lay the responsibility and consequences of men not adapting to women's rights on the doorstep of women.

Third, because the culture’s dominant message about sex is still essentially Hefnerian, despite certain revisions attempted by feminists since the heyday of the Playboy philosophy — a message that frequency and variety in sexual experience is as close to a summum bonum as the human condition has to offer, that the greatest possible diversity in sexual desires and tastes and identities should be not only accepted but cultivated, and that virginity and celibacy are at best strange and at worst pitiable states. And this master narrative, inevitably, makes both the new inequalities and the decline of actual relationships that much more difficult to bear …which in turn encourages people, as ever under modernity, to place their hope for escape from the costs of one revolution in a further one yet to come, be it political, social or technological, which will supply if not the promised utopia at least some form of redress for the many people that progress has obviously left behind.

There is an alternative, conservative response, of course — namely, that our widespread isolation and unhappiness and sterility might be dealt with by reviving or adapting older ideas about the virtues of monogamy and chastity and permanence and the special respect owed to the celibate.

So let me get this straight, the problem with sex in America is because of feminists and leftists but, “ the culture’s dominant message about sex is still essentially Hefnerian.”? I've never known a single feminist or leftist who was not only okay with the views and attitudes about sex espoused by Hugh Hefner but who used them as the basis of their sexual ethics. In fact, it has been the direct opposite. Douthat's view of feminism and left-leaning is comical and beyond conservative stereotyping.

But this is not the natural response for a society like ours. Instead we tend to look for fixes that seem to build on previous revolutions, rather than reverse them.

In the case of sexual liberation and its discontents, that’s unlikely to mean the kind of thoroughgoingly utopian reimagining of sexual desire that writers like Srinivasan think we should aspire toward, or anything quite so formal as the pro-redistribution political lobby of Hanson’s thought experiment.

By defacto argument, the sexual revolution was bad so men trying to come to terms with how to really treat women as equals would be a misguided approach to the problem. We need to go back in time to when women had limited rights and almost none with regard to their bodies, their sexuality, and start from there in order to build a more perfect union where men get to get laid when they want by whomever they want.

But I expect the logic of commerce and technology will be consciously harnessed, as already in pornography, to address the unhappiness of incels, be they angry and dangerous or simply depressed and despairing. The left’s increasing zeal to transform prostitution into legalized and regulated “sex work” will have this end implicitly in mind, the libertarian (and general male) fascination with virtual-reality porn and sex robotswill increase as those technologies improve — and at a certain point, without anyone formally debating the idea of a right to sex, right-thinking people will simply come to agree that some such right exists, and that it makes sense to look to some combination of changed laws, new technologies and evolved mores to fulfill it.

Whether sex workers and sex robots can actually deliver real fulfillment is another matter. But that they will eventually be asked to do it, in service to a redistributive goal that for now still seems creepy or misogynist or radical, feels pretty much inevitable.

So, for Douthat, the need to address and placate incels is important but we shouldn't do it with legalizing prostitution or other means. What Douthat is really saying is, “If men cannot dominate and be in control of women, then any sexual solution won't be acceptable. Not legalized prostitution. Not sex robots. Nothing short of actual, real women being subservient to men will do.”

At no point in this entire article by Douthat are men held responsible for their beliefs, for their actions. NOT ONE SINGLE FUCKING TIME! “Feminists” and “left-leaning” people are the real reason behind backward thinking, immoral. egotistical men for behaving the way they do towards women. GTFOH!

15 notes · View notes