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fishy-xp · 2 years

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compounded disasters pt.5

a minor disaster spin-off

ft. domestic vegaspetemacau

the nights in bangkok were like air to vegas. small blackouts in the timeline that offered him moments of reprieve and respite where no one knew his name and he couldn't be a constant shadow when the entire world was now dark. nights in bangkok were air bubbles of mercy for a man like vegas who was constantly on the edge of drowning. whilst a scared child wished day would come faster, vegas wished the night would never end.

"hia!"

macau thought the same thing. he enjoyed the nights when he couldn't waste it away trying to sleep. he finds himself knocking at vegas' door, asking if he wanted to go for a drive. or they'd find themselves meeting halfway in an empty hallway, vegas already having his bike keys in his hand. anything to get out of this place. this place that was called home, but not by either of them.

vegas lifts himself up from against his ducati and turns. exiting the convenience store is his younger brother as well as about the store's entire supply of ice cream resting in his embrace. macau wears the proud grin of a child who was literally unleashed in a candy store and single-handedly emptied its entire stock.

"macau." vegas scolds him without meaning it.

"what? some of them are for the bodyguards."

vegas rolls his eyes. he has never seen anyone blitz through a stack of ice creams as though his life depended on it as quickly as his brother did. vegas would be lucky if he got one.

macau happily waddles down the store steps to his brother. vegas helps fit the helmet over the younger boy's head.

"hia, can we go eat these by the ocean?"

he can't say no. he could never say no to macau. there's a lot of things vegas would only ever do for macau, smiling like he is now is one of them. vegas wears many smiles in the day, each and every one of them a tiring feat to plaster onto his face. but smiling at macau comes naturally, especially at night when it can only be seen under the street lamp light by the person in front of him.

"of course."

they drive off down this road of freedom, the warm summer air clearing the smoke show of the day prior away and everything the darkness reached along the dark empty streets their kingdom.

---

it shouldn't surprise vegas in the slighest when pete exits the convenience store, arms brimming with packets of ramen. a rush of fondness resounds deep inside vegas, flowing through his veins in a way that makes his heart beat faster.

"pete." he calls for him, slightly breathless.

a slight pout crosses pete's face as he purses his lips, "some of it is for macau..."

macau hasn't asked to come out lately, his brother finding it easier to sleep undisturbed these days. instead, it's been pete that has joined him on these escapades except vegas doesn't really find himself escaping from anything either.

p.s. as a visual aid, this is how macau looks raiding the convenience store ice cream fridge

#i am so normal about domestic vegaspetemacau #so sane so normal #about them #yes #the normalest #jfaslfsdjgsl #kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #vegaspete #vegas theerapanyakul #macau theerapanyakul #pete phongsakorn #vegaspetemacau #kinnporsche fanfic #kinnporsche drabble #sin city brothers #compounded disasters

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iknowimdespicableme · 5 months

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A Lighthouse and a Void

A literary analysis of how the song Mine/Yours by Wilbur Soot and C!Beeduo interact

⚠️Trigger warnings: Unhealthy relationship dynamics, mentions of alcoholism, and implied mistreatment of spouse bordering on abuse⚠️

Word count: 2338

Why must I feel numb?

Tubbo has worked so hard to cultivate a life for himself that he enjoys, and yet still feels unsatisfied. Although he surrounds himself with people he should relish the company of and peace and prosperity and animals that used to make him happy, he continues to feel like he needs more. Like there is something missing. Like he is numb.

I’ve done what I’ve done.

Both Ranboo and Tubbo have done things they are not proud of, that eat away at their conscience no matter how much they try to convince themselves otherwise. Ranboo and George’s house, Tubbo’s traitorous actions during times of war. They both feel like they have turned their backs on Tommy, Ranboo is constantly lost and conflicted. To try and gain some peace, they both pretend as though the past doesn’t bother them. What is done is done, and they shouldn’t dwell on it.

I’ve taken the cues on what I’m supposed to do.

Ranboo is very confused during social interactions, prioritizing their own values over the unwritten rules of communication. Though they try to bend said values in order to gain Tubbo’s favor and trust, having next to no one else to talk to, they are still lost on what to do. So, they look to Tubbo to give them cues on what they’re supposed to do, idolizing his ease in which he navigates conversations in an unhealthy way.

I heave the issue.

Tubbo attempts to ignore his issues, no matter how heavy or inconvenient it would be to do so. Hence, he heaves large issues away, trying to forget them. This not only causes him to bottle up feelings that influence his decisions from his brain’s shadows, but makes it hard for him to communicate said emotions to others.

The narrative’s doomed when I’m holding the pen throttling you.

Tubbo controls the story that Ranboo gets, as when Ranboo forgets something it is Tubbo that reminds him. Perhaps omitting his own mistakes, he paints himself in the best possible light for Ranboo. Thus, their relationship is doomed to fall apart and then come back together. Secondly, Ranboo also writes his own notes about Tubbo in his memory book. As Tubbo is dependent on Ranboo’s love, whatever Ranboo writes and thus whatever Ranboo feels towards Tubbo, greatly affects how Tubbo views himself and his worth.

You never liked me when drunk.

Taking after his father and enemy, Tubbo takes up drinking to escape his overwhelming emotions. This scares Ranboo, seeing as he relies on Tubbo so much and observing him being unpredictable and dangerous when his memory book tells him that this is unlike Tubbo is unsettling. Makes him question everything, and yet Tubbo knows he can do anything he wants and Ranboo won’t remember. This makes him do more and more minacious things.

I start to believe you never liked me at all and so I agree.

Both of them, on their own, come to the conclusion that the other doesn’t love them for who they are, but for what they can give to them. Tubbo treats Ranboo like a void to scream into, Ranboo treats Tubbo like a lighthouse to follow blindly. At the same time, they both have low self esteem and hate or are unsure of their own identities. This understanding that they hide from the other is one of the few things they have in common.

So I’ll say “fuck you” because I know if I don’t I’ll probably say something stupid and true.

Tubbo’s recklessness when it comes to Ranboo’s emotions is unsafe for the both of them. Confused with how he thinks he should feel and what he is actually feeling, there are long stretches of time when Tubbo refuses to give or receive affection. Whether it is because he feels betrayed by Ranboo, because he feels guilty, or because of some other reason we are not shown, he always seems to blame Ranboo. This is due to Tubbo’s view of Ranboo, as being a void to need near him rather than a full person in his own right.

Stand just out of reach of your fist.

What Tubbo doesn’t realize is that if he repeats an action enough times, Ranboo will begin to remember it. The same way Ranboo knew Tommy was a friend or that Philza was kind no matter how long it had been since they last saw each other, Ranboo slowly realizes that he is Tubbo’s scapegoat. Although fully aware that he is unsafe near Tubbo, he has nowhere else to go. Nowhere else he’s ever known. So, he stands just out of reach of his fist, but close enough to touch.

Take myself away.

After a while of everything festering, they both find things to keep themselves busy. Ranboo and The North, Tubbo and the nukes. The more time they spend apart, the longer their marriage will last. Even when they are together, mentally they are somewhere else. Thinking about Michael or revenge or experiments, they are never in the same place even when they are laying in the same bed.

The gangrenous limb.

Ranboo finds that Tubbo and the child they had together and the certainty that their life used to provide, no longer makes him content. He begins isolating himself, traveling longer, losing himself in his own thoughts and worries. It feels like his blood flow, his very heart and soul, has been cut off from him. He has to come to terms with the fact that the man he married and loved and devoted himself to is not who he once thought.

Dance around the subject, a figure of eight

Sitting across the dinner table, standing next to each other on the balcony, laying beside one another in their bed, they are losing the familiarity they once had. The final reason they could still feign love was their history together. Now, with Ranboo fearing that they will again fall into their cycle that takes advantage of his tragedy and Tubbo desperately trying to bring it back, they are simultaneously nowhere near the same page but reading the same unhealthy book.

Describe all the parts of me I’m yet to break.

Ranboo is scrambling to find any proof that Tubbo once loved him. Desperately trying to see if Tubbo knows his favorite flower, color. If he knows why Ranboo hates the nether but loves obsidian. He is holding onto hope that his version of Tubbo is real, just buried deep within his frosty exterior.

Count all the parts of me, I’m yet to break.

Tubbo, on the other hand, has continued to drown in his work. Telling himself that he is building the nukes to protect Ranboo, he is trying to convince a god he doesn’t believe in that he is not guilty. Maybe he did love Ranboo once. There must have been some moment, when they were truly happy. For that reason, he is yet to break from Ranboo and thus the last vice-like grip he has onto his past life.

Recount all the parts of me I’m yet to break you.

Both halves of this tragic coupling are desperately searching for love and companionship. They are sure that their relationship can be salvaged. And yet, even in this new found hope, they are not doing it for the other’s sake no matter how much they say otherwise. They both don’t know how to be happy without the other. They haven’t been happy in years but the last time they were, was when they were together. They try to safeguard the other’s feelings, because if the other breaks, they surely will too.

Kiss me like it was your job, so tender and carefully, teeth before tongue.

(I wanna be yours)

And yet, nothing changes. Tubbo continues to kiss Ranboo as though it is an obligation, not a privilege. Scared to lose him and scared to have him, Tubbo performs his duties to Ranboo as though reading a checklist as opposed to loving someone. He gives Ranboo everything he believes he needs except genuineness behind the actions. At the same time, Ranboo can’t let go. All Ranboo wants is to feel loved and wanted again, he screams to Tubbo with his lingering touches that he “wants to be yours”, more than he wants to be his own person. A long time ago, this would’ve been exactly what Tubbo wanted, but now he feels guilty whenever he uses Ranboo, preferring to be detached over the crushing blame of Ranboo’s scared eyes.

And not in the way that the romantics do.

He knows he needs more, but he doesn’t know how to say it. Tubbo never taught him that, and he relies on Tubbo for everything. Maybe Tubbo should have done them both a favor and never showed Ranboo what true happiness and love and peace felt like. They could’ve lived in bliss, one content with unhappiness and the other oblivious. And yet, unfortunately for the pair, there had been love there once.

With the grace of a workplace and child dispute.

(I wanna be yours)

When they kiss, Ranboo can see Tubbo check a duty off of his mental list while they used to lock eyes and only see each other. With Tubbo lost in work and Ranboo observing his mannerisms from the outside, he realizes that Tubbo uses the same vocabulary talking to his coworkers as he does to Ranboo, his husband. When asked about their situation through the way Ranboo ate and talked and slept, Tubbo avoided it with corporate professionalism. Even discussions about their real, alive child were coated in a tone one uses when discussing tasks they were assigned to do against their own will. And yet, there is this longing still, to fix what is broken because what else is there?

You know, I don’t need much more.

Ranboo has lived with Tubbo this whole time, and loved him under all his fear no matter what Tubbo threw at him. He would be content with the occasional hug or single apology. He doesn’t need much, but he does need more. He is rotting away like a corpse, so slowly, starved of anything worth living for for so long. He doesn’t know any other way but, god up in heaven, if Tubbo called out to him from the darkness where they lost themselves, he would follow it to the ends of the earth.

I want to be mine.

Keeping these discoveries from Tubbo, about who they are to each other, has finally allowed him to grow and nurture thoughts independent from Tubbo’s influence. This fascinating new discovery is enticing. He wants to know more about himself and who he really is. The idea of being his own person, thing, object; whatever he is, a part of him is curious. He mourns the loss of himself knowing that he can wish for something like this but it will never come to fruition.

Wanna be yours.

Ranboo will never let go of Tubbo. Above everything he could ever want for himself, he cherishes Tubbo like a priest cherishes a church. Cleaning and perfecting oneself in the hope that some greater thing you don’t understand will reach out and save you. He has only ever been Tubbo’s. He knows nothing else. Every thought that races through his head, every step his padded feet take, everything his mismatched eyes see, they all trace back to Tubbo. He wants. No, needs Tubbo more than words can do justice. Like a sunflower needs the sun, turning away from Tubbo is certain death. Death of love? Death of hope? Death of peace and contentment? Prosperity? Reciprocation? He doesn’t dare find out, and follows Tubbo out of the storm as though Tubbo is a lighthouse, knowing that the shards of rock at the dock will tear Ranboo to shreds. Anything to get a step closer to his only love.

You know, I don’t need much more.

Tubbo has gone through so much, he has begun to give up on everything that used to drive him. Anger, revenge, resentment, guilt, all lost to him. He feels weak and exhausted, he needs to feel loved. If only for a moment he could take all of his walls down and truly be seen and cared for by someone, he could finally slow down and rest. He has been running his whole life, he doesn’t think it will ever stop. But, just the thought of giving himself up to vulnerability is enough to make him sick to his stomach. His fear jolts him like an adrenaline rush, and he keeps pushing knowing that he doesn’t need much to let go of the marathon.

I want to be mine.

Tubbo has always been on his own, he wants to hold on to this sacred privilege. In a world where he has been thrown around by one war to the next, one dictator to the next, one ungrateful friend to the next, he has always found comfort in knowing exactly who he is. Knowing exactly what he wants to do, what he needs. He is the opposite of Ranboo, never able to let go of himself in order to hold someone else.

Wanna be yours.

And yet, even with how much his individuality means to him, Tubbo is still chasing after that famed intimacy called romantic love. He wants warm fireplaces and bright blushing and the ache from smiling too hard and the bruising of lips being kissed with passion. He feels an overwhelming responsibility for his own lack of love, because it is true. Even with love laying next to him with open arms, he cannot take its hand. He wants to be Ranboo’s, he wants to be someone’s. Is it because he needs to be cared for or because the thought of missing out on something so close is eating at him? The idea that he lost a happy ending because of his own selfishness plagues him at night, when he wants nothing more than to be hugged.

I take you for granted because the alternative is far more alarming.

What is a moon, but a reflection of the light from a sun?

What is a sun, with no moon to shine upon?

Orbiting but never touching, without the other they are nothing.

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