#the frustrating thing is like most of the therapists and stuff i have seem to think i probably have adhd but its like.... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

royalbilliards · 1 year

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i would LOVE to hear your opinion on maruki's therapy bc i see a lot of ppl saying he sucked as a therapist and i've never seen one so i can't really say anything with certainty...... but idk, i want joker to have at least an okay therapist just because it's a nice touch. also i think it's more satisfying narratively when maruki is someone joker can lean on for support and get attached to, but then has to oppose because shitty actualization. idk. pathetic wet man makes me go brrrrrr

Welcome to the autism zone.

So a lot of my thoughts on maruki’s therapy comes from my own experiences with a therapist in the past (I’m trying to get a new one right now) but. A lot of what Maruki’s ‘confidant perks’ and what they’re called suggest he’s giving Joker treatment for anxiety and depression, which makes a lot of sense given the way he acts in public outside of the joker persona, and the situation he’s in at Shujin (being bullied, for lack of a better term because it’s 5 am and I just woke up, and ostracised due to Kamoshida spilling his criminal record).

Practices like mindfulness and wakefulness sound like bullshit when you first have to start them, mostly because of the names, but the practices themselves are grounding techniques, being able to be present in your body, aware of your surroundings, and not letting yourself spiral via panic or depression and stuff. Detox is a term for drug addiction and alcoholism rehab, they’re not exactly practices we know Joker needs help with, but they’re most likely preventative measures, so that he doesn’t go Down those paths BECAUSE of his situation, which honestly makes sense, depression, anxiety, bullying from peers and the rest of it, including his criminal record and the way Japan treats students with criminal records, it makes sense that Joker could have easily gone down those routes if he didn’t have his friends and the metaverse to blow off steam and have an outlet for his emotions that he isn’t allowed to have in his day to day life. Flow is also a form of therapy treatment for handling depression, and mostly focus’ on capturing moments of positive mental states and allowing yourself to be completely focused and involved in Enjoyable activities that make you happy.

Because all of these therapy treatments that we get named from his confidant perks are Real therapy treatments that both Work and are widely used to treat specific mental health problems (Depression, Anxiety and Self-worth) we get both an insight into how Joker is actually feeling about things outside of what he shows and how useful these techniques are in his actual day to day life, because he’s using them to handle stressful situations in the metaverse.

There’s also the fact that Before everything, and AFTER everything, Joker doesn’t seem to hold much animosity towards Maruki, yes Akechi does and he’s Totally allowed to hate him, but neither Yoshizawa or Joker do, when Yoshizawa is more than justified in being angry and frustrated with him. And it might just be due to the abysmal lack of characterisation Yoshizawa gets, but mostly she seems like she too, like Joker, WANTS to help him, because we know that Maruki himself struggles with Self-worth problems, delusions of grandeur, a messiah complex (in both definitions of the term) anxiety and depression (along with a few other spicier things I don’t feel like mentioning because I’d need to bring up the psa’s on how demonised disorders need to be treated with respect since no one can do that on the internet). But there doesn’t seem to Be animosity between the three of them. Mostly just worry about someone they both cared about, and trusted.

There’s also the fact that, Jokers interactions with Maruki do not End After you help him with his research, we’re just cut off from the interaction at that point, because Joker in canon is explaining to Sae other more important things, he probably doesn’t feel the need to tell her the confidential therapy treatment he’s receiving at school. Their interaction continues, we get a fade to black, so it’s obvious he is getting actual therapy treatment, but Maruki has probably picked up on Jokers earth shattering savior complex and is easing him into the idea of therapeutic treatment by having him assist in his research, so Joker is more inclined to accept the help, since it’s a Transaction to Joker. If Maruki had more time to be Jokers therapist, and I assume he would have at some point Offered to continue his work as Jokers therapist after his tenure at Shujin ending, he would have eventually been able to work on that with Joker, and weaned him off Needing to help people all the time, and viewing social interactions as a transactional thing.

Anyways, yeah, I don’t think Maruki is a bad therapist outside of the horrors, I think people just don’t think about it because it isn’t spoon fed to them in a social link interaction, which is where the assumption that he’s Only using Joker as a sounding board comes from. But what would I know I just did media studies and have a special interest in analysing media, SHRUG

#virtype #anon #do I main tag this. hm. i will think about that when I wake up #decided I do main tag it #takuto maruki #persona 5 royal #persona 5 #p5meta #p5r spoilers

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metamorphosisff · 10 months

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|Chapter 17| Spread Your Wings

The dark cloud that had been hovering over me had started to dissipate last week around the same time I met with a therapist for the first time. My reaction to Trevor tearing my apartment to shreds did not stop at pulling away from Xavier. The week after I barely went outside out of work and spent hours in bed crying. Crying because one man’s entitlement had upended so much, most importantly the illusion that I was keeping it together. Mari was not having that though and after exactly seven days after that she stormed into my apartment to shake me out of it. That day we went shopping all over downtown Brooklyn to get new things for the living room. We were even able to find small vials for the remaining ashes of my grandmother I managed to save. It was what I needed to start feeling human but I went through the motions the following week. It wasn’t until Jazz dragged us to some off Broadway play that I slowly realized I owed it to myself to get help. So I started therapy because a wise man once told me talking about my problems might make them easier to get through.

Sweeping a glance over my apartment as I got my purse together, my mind projects Xavier standing before me with those eyes glossed over in as much pain as I was in. Taking a deep breath, I shake away the memory. I prayed he was doing okay because for the moment it felt safer to keep my distance. I had put too much onto him which was not fair. He had his own problems to contend with and expecting him to add mine into the mix wasn’t sensible. That did not mean his absence wasn’t felt though because a day had yet to go by without me thinking of him.

The sound of my phone ringing with an incoming Facetime made me roll my eyes. I was trying to head out and get some food but that would have to wait because it was Lonso who was calling. We haven’t spoken in a few weeks so there was no way I could miss his call without him going off on a tangent in our text thread.

“Hey,” I greeted, once his bronze face filled the screen. His curls were shorn close to the scalp in the way military men often sported their hair. He was dressed in uniform and sitting in a nondescript office with a pair of slate gray AirPod Maxes over his ears. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, I was just thinking about you and decided to call. I am surprised you answered though since you seem to specialize in dodging me,” he said, with a pointed stare.

“Don’t make me regret doing so by being an ass,” I said, with a roll of my eyes which he chuckles at.

“I’m fucking with you, partly. I worry about you and it doesn’t always show in the best of ways,” he said.

“That’s putting it modestly. You are overbearing at best and a pain in the ass at least. There is never any in between with you. I can’t handle that,” I said, finally coming clean about why I avoided conversations with him. Well, one of the reasons. The main reason.

“Cause you be hiding shit when I can help you. Like why Mari had to tell me about what that nigga did?” Lonso asked, folding his hands in front of him. His frustration was slow to start, opposite of mine which was explosive but I can tell he was trying to remain calm so we could have a full conversation. “Like what the fuck Jamila? You know I would have found a way to come up here.”

“And do what? He’s locked up and not coming out for a long ass time. I handled it,” I said, raking my hand over tangled curls. My hair hadn’t been a priority lately but it needed to become one. I made a mental note to take care of it while Lonzo shook his head at me.

“Be there! I could have helped you clean up and replace stuff. What happened was scary as fuck and to hear about it from someone else days later hurt. I can’t lie,” Lonzo said.

“I’m not trying to hurt you on purpose. I’m just used to doing things by myself and asking for help is hard because I don’t like being let down,” I said.

There had been so many times when I was a teenager that I asked for help and people always feel short or never fully followed through. After a few times I realized the only person I could count on in this world was me. Life became easier once I accepted that I had to make sure I was okay at the end of the day. While I did have some help from Mari, I tried not to lean on her too much because raising Papi was a lot. With her I was decisive about what I decided to let her in on as not to worry her. It never even crossed my mind to tell Lonzo about what happened because he wasn’t in my daily orbit. He had been reduced to unanswered calls and texts I’d sometimes reply to depending on my mood.

Nodding his head, he said, “I get that but I haven’t let you down. Anything I ever said I was going to do, I did even when I was broke.”

That was true especially when I was in college and struggling to feed myself after paying rent. Lonzo found a way to send me a hundred dollars every two weeks until I got a better job. Almost a whole year he did that. When I got the flu bad one year he came up from Virginia to take care of me because Mari, having a toddler at the time, couldn't. However it was during that time that he decided he had to hover over every decision I made.

“Our parents made some terrible decisions that affected us differently and I hate that you got the shorter end of the stick. The one thing they did right was us though. I don’t want us to keep on the way we are, sniping at each other because we used to be close. If you died with our relationship being like it is…,” he stopped to take a deep breath. Lonso wasn’t an emotional person so to see his eyes redden caused mine to as well.

He looked away from the screen for a second but I caught the way his bottom lip trembled and immediately I felt bad.

“I thought about that too,” I said, taking a shaky breath. “I don’t want to fight with you Lonso, I swear I don’t but I need you to be my brother, not my de facto parental figure. I’m grown now and yes sometimes I struggle but I always find my way.”

“You do and I’m not taking that from you but there’s no harm in letting other people walk beside you. I worry about you, I haven’t stopped worrying about you since the day we left,” Lonso said.

That had been a shitty day because Ms. Lena didn’t let anyone know the day of the move. Later she explained that she didn’t want to be talked out of her decision or be further manipulated by my parents. When I got older, I somewhat understood where she was coming from but that didn’t take away from how cruel the act was. Our father had to physically rip Lonzo from me because even at fourteen he knew what leaving would mean.

“I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. Guess that means I should listen huh?” I said, causing him to smirk.

“That’s exactly what that shit means,” he cracked.

“I’m going to do better,” I said, drumming my fingers on the counter top.

“Me too MiMi, me too.”

Hearing my childhood nickname doesn’t make me cringe like it normally does when he uses it. For the first time in a long time, we smile at each other.

It’s late at night and try as I might, I can not fall asleep which isn’t a surprise. Insomnia had been a dear friend ever since the tornado known as Trevor ripped through my apartment. He took away my ability to feel safe in the home I grew up in and I would hate him forever for that. Having enough tossing and turning, I get up and slide on some sweatpants. Grabbing my keys and phone, I head across the hall to let myself into Mari’s apartment. The light in the living room is on but everything else is off leaving the apartment quiet with the exception of humming appliances. Out of habit, I pad my way down the hallway and stop at the first door on the left. Slowly I turn the knob and find Papi with a sheet over his and a glow coming from a screen alongside the sounds of a video game. Flipping on the light, I watch amused as he quickly pokes his head out.

“Auntie?” he questions, eyes blinking to adjust to the light. He takes one look at me and knows something is off but like the intuitive kid he is, doesn’t press me. Instead he lifts his Switch in the air. “You tryna play?”

“Hell yeah,” I said, walking over to sit beside him.

“If I win, can I stay up for at least another hour?” he asks, knowing I’m about to tell him this is his last round of whatever he’s playing.

“Yes but if I win, it’s light out. It’s already going on eleven and your mom will kill us both if you're still up when she gets home,” I said.

“True,” he said, as he passed me a controller. Propping up the Switch, I see we’re playing Mario Kart. “I couldn’t sleep though.”

“Me either. Anything in particular on your mind?” I ask, as he starts the round.

“Yeah I was thinking about how our building needs better security. Like if our door downstairs actually locked how it was supposed to that nig- I mean that bum wouldn’t have been able to do what he did,” Papi said.

“Maybe,” I said, trying to figure out how to approach this conversation with him. “But I don’t want you worrying about that okay?”

“I can’t help it. That was messed up and I hope your boyfriend beats his ass,” Papi said.

I tear my eyes away from the screen just in time to see the serious expression etched across his features. His eyebrows are sunken as his lips twist to the side.

“Xavier is not my boyfriend and stop cursing,” I said.

“Yes he is, he takes you out and makes you happy. He also buys me stuff by the way. Can you tell him I’d like some more X-Men stuff?” he asked.

“I’ll see what I can do Papi but I make no promises,” I said.

“I’ll take that,” Papi says, causing me to chuckle.

We end up going for best out of three when he wins the first but in the end I let him have his extra hour. With one last warning for him to keep his eye on the clock because I will deny agreeing to let him stay up if caught, I leave him to his lonesome and go into the living room.

As I snuggle into the couch to wait for Mari to come home, my phone vibrates against my thigh where it is resting. Seeing Xavier’s name on the screen on the text notification sends my heart racing against my chest. Papi spoke him up and he must have heard it from wherever he was. My hands grow sweaty as I unlock my phone to read the message.

Hey, I know you still taking your time but I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you. I especially miss you talking during our Marvel marathon. I think I miss your snoring too (not the sound but knowing you're that close). Nothing and I mean nothing, will ever change that baby. I’m here. Take your time.

Hot tears splash onto the screen by the time I have reread the message for the tenth time. A weight is removed slightly from my shoulders but there is no real reprieve. I want so badly to call him but I toss my phone to the side. I’m not ready to talk to him but I should be.

The scent of Jam fills the air as Mari takes a rat tail comb and makes another part in the back of my head. After waking up and sending Papi outside to play, we decided today would help each other with our hair. I had touched up the bleach on her roots once we finished eating breakfast and now she was returning the favor. I turned my phone over and over in my hands contemplating what I was going to say to Xavier. Contemplating if I was ready to say something at all. I had resolved that he should hear from me last night and thought sleeping on it would help me get there. All I’ve managed to do is lament on the fact that in a dark moment I pushed him away instead of embracing the lifeline he was tossing me. I did not have to face the aftermath of Trevor’s destructive behavior alone but I chose to because cleaning up other people’s messes alone was second nature to me. I did not want to have an audience but that’s not what he was offering. He was offering a helping hand and it took me longer than it should have to realize that.

“I miss him,” I sighed, raking my hand over the few finished braids Mari had placed over my shoulder.

“So call him,” Mari said, as that was the simplest thing ever after the month of silence between us. The text he sent last night still has my heart racing and made me realize how much I miss his presence in my life. “And before you start, no, it’s really not that hard.”

I open my mouth to respond but my phone ringing in my hands steals my attention. A picture of Jazz and I fills the screen with an incoming Facetime call. I hit the green button to accept it and in seconds, she’s filling the screen with a full beat face and a slicked back black ponytail.

“You called right on time Jazz, your daughter is in here tripping,” Mari says, peeking from behind me.

Jazz cackles while I shoot Mari a side eye which she ignores with a mush of my head and a command to keep my head down. I adjust how I’m holding the phone, lowering it further into my lap so that Jazz can see my face and Mari can braid comfortably.

“Gon’ head and tell me what’s going on Birdie. I see it all over your face,” Jazz said, adjusting her AirPod. I can tell she’s on break at the center she works at because this is when she usually calls me to check in or to confirm any upcoming plans.

“Xavier texted me last night and it made me realize that I miss him…a lot actually,” I sighed.

“I’m not hearing the problem. Not only has Mr. Clipboard been respecting the space you asked for but he didn’t take it as a dismissal. He probably reaffirmed that he loved you, right?” Jazz asked.

I nodded my head and am reminded by Mari, gently putting it at the right angle to keep still. “He did but-

“But what?” Mari sighed exasperatedly behind me. “You love that nigga real bad.”

“And do,” Jazz chimed in, causing them to laugh.

“But,” I said, over them, “I blinked and a month went by y’all. There are things broken in me that I thought I could ignore but I can’t and I don’t know if time will ever fix it. He doesn’t deserve the mess that I am.”

“Now that ain’t never been a kept secret baby girl and Xavier has always known that you have some baggage. I’m sure he has his own because we all have our shit Birdie but that’s a lazy excuse to push him away. It sounds like you have let your fear get comfortable in the driver's seat,” Jazz said, instantly calling me to task.

She has a keen sense of knowing when I’m stepping around an answer. Where Mari has gotten used to waiting me out, Jazz has no patience for it.

“I’m afraid that one day he’s going to decide that he can’t handle me or my shit. Like he’ll realize maybe I’m not worth the trouble after all and I know how fucked up that sounds. My therapist says it’s easy to talk ourselves out of a good thing but I don’t know. It keeps me up at night because I have never been loved like he loves me and we have only scratched the surface of what we could be,” I said.

“Your therapist is right. Love is a risk, being vulnerable and open is a risk, not loving at all is a risk. Everything in life comes with a risk even the choice to do nothing is a risk because you might miss out on your person or an opportunity. Ultimately you have to decide what outcome you can live with,” Jazz said.

“Right, and missing out on Xavier will be one of the dumbest things you have ever done and I’ve watched you shave your eyebrows off,” Mari added.

“Regardless of how much he loves you, you have to love yourself and believe you are worthy because your worthiness is eternal. It shows in your attitude, in your walk, in your eyes. Some days will be harder than others to do so but you have to,” Jazz said.

“Sure do and Mila, babe putting Xavier to the side for a moment, you have been more mindful lately. Less snappy and more patient. That little orange vest stint put some things in perspective for you and he came along while you were already in motion,” Mari said.

“I’m trying but I feel like that shit with Trevor’s dumb ass set me back because bad things keep happening and I realize I never had a break. There is always something and I want there to be peace so bad. In order for me to be at peace I have to heal but my healing is always interrupted and that makes me want to give up. Why is maintaining change so fucking hard?” I sighed, feeling tears align the bottom of my eyes.

I was sick and tired of crying. Ever since that night I do it easily and it leaves me feeling like a constant torrential downpour. The dam I put up in my teen years had eroded and there was no longer anything between me and my feelings. Though I’m exhausted from crying these last few weeks I let these tears fall too because they feel different. They aren’t sad, they are cleansing.

“Because change is scary but remaining the same keeps you stagnant and you can’t grow that way Birdie. Actually, that’s the quickest way to die. You deserve to live not just survive but live and you are well on your own way. This really is the time to push past against all your fear and hesitation. You’ll be better for it in the long run,” Jazz said.

Not just live but survive.

Taking a deep breath, I nodded my head because Jazz was right. I was taking the steps to better my life by going to job interviews, working on my attitude, trying to fix my relationship with my brother and getting my therapist. I deserved the happiness I got from and with Xavier to balance out all of the rest.

“Y’all are right,” I breathed out. “I just get stuck in my head sometimes and that inner voice is a bitch to drown out.”

“That’s why we’re here. To be loud as hell and tell you to chill the hell out and go get your man,” Mari said, placing a kiss to the top of my head.

“Period. Take life by the reins Birdie and I’ll see y’all for brunch this weekend. Can’t wait to hear how it goes. Toodles,” Jazz says with a quick wave as someone enters her office calling her name. She makes an annoyed expression before slapping on a quick smile which we laugh at as we wave back. Shortly the call disconnects and I lock my phone back.

“I love how she makes plans and just expects us to show up, any other plans or obligations be damned,” Mari giggles as she finishes another braid.

“I’ve learned to embrace it. Her plans have been a bright spot this past month,” I sniffle, as I wipe the last of my tears from my cheeks.

“Agreed, be giving me something to do other than work and cart Papi around,” Mari says, as she makes a new part. “But back to you real quick. Text him back right now. You have had your space but he deserves for his effort to be met with some of your own.”

I nod my head and unlock my phone. “Never thought I’d see the day you would be on a man's side.”

“He’s not just any man, he is the man that returned your real smile. So unless he does something extremely out of pocket, I fuck with him,” Mari said.

Her approval means the world to me because Mari is the only family I see every day. Without her I would be adrift and I haven’t always brought the best people around. Xavier passed both her and Papi’s test without even having to try hard because he’s a genuinely good person. Opening up our text thread I try to type out a message but nothing feels adequate enough.

“What time do you think you’ll be done with my hair?” I asked.

“In like maybe two hours and no, you cannot wait until after I’m done to text him because that defeats the purpose of me saying ‘right now’ girl,” Mari said.

“That’s not why I’m asking. What I need to say, shouldn’t be done through text. I’m going to go see him,” I said, turning around to look at her.

Throwing her hands up in the air, Mari shouts, “Hallelujah! She has awakened with the spirit of common sense.”

“Not too much on me!”

#metamorphosisff #Black Fiction #black romance

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frankiistein · 8 months

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come on look at this drawing. this is exactly what being in aba feels like. anyway...

bien and sar as a portrayal of a "troubled teen" with autism/adhd/aspd and an aba therapist: a breadavota analysis

finally blogging about the ending of intermission 1 of @breadavota

gui on the bbs has already noticed most of the stuff from the new update so tbh not much else left to say. thank u once again for the loyal breadposting

not related but i just noticed the bbs has the homestuck colors naur

instead of analyzing every part of the new update im just going to focus on the depiction of sar as being a (pseudo) aba therapist, along with my "bien is so autismcoded" hc

bien as an autistic character (+ adhd and conduct disorder/oppositional defiant disorder/aspd)

first of all altho afaik none of the characters are written intentionally to be autistic and adhd but both sc and bien have traits of it, altho i will just focus on bien here who i feel is autistic, adhd and has cd/odd (which could be aspd now bcuz hes already an adult). i think the aspd hc has more credence bcuz the author has aspd

seen as "stupid" by others, especially because he has issues with working memory and attention, altho i dont think hes particularly "stupid" but more that he has trouble w/ abstract thinking and memories, he takes things literally (like when he messes w/ sars pens after being told not to touch only his books)

inexpressive facial expressions, he usually has a neutral face no matter the situation

seems to get bored easily and needs to do extreme things to stimulate himself, particularly his violent tendencies towards animals

special interests/hyperfixations. he doesnt show an interest in anything except things related to violence (murder, weapons, wars) or sc, and to a lesser extent playing the piano

on top of that some level of social inappropriate behavior, altho its harder to say w/ so few interactions between him and other characters. the one chapter where he talks to the other soldiers he wasnt very friendly towards them, and based on how he talks to ava (hard to tell if he talks like this to everyone tho) he has the tendency to bring up his relationship to sc even in situations where its not appropriate or relevant

"awkwardness" aside he has a disregard for other ppl as a whole and seems unable to emphatize with hurting others

struggles with "basic" tasks and is anxious abt leaving sc and having to live on his own

wants to have "explanations" for everything he does before doing it, seen in how he is frustrated with avas vagueness

some sensory sensitivies since he looks to be bothered by "loud noises", altho its a bit vague bcuz the demons seem to have a synthesia like (?) way of perceiving the world. bon at least has been implied to lash out from these sensitivities which 2 me is similar to meltdowns, and sar shows concern that the brightness outside might bother bien

anyway moving on to sar, this is probably noticed by some ppl from the older updates already but the premack principle (explaining more later) is what made it noticed for me, that sar acts similar to an aba therapist, or at least uses some of the same principles in aba to manipulate bien

focus on eye contact

first of all i agree w/ gui the decision to write only in sars pov and to never directly show what biens dialogue at all is great! i think it highlights that feeling of bien not being allowed his autonomy and makes it feel rly more like some therapy session where ur not allowed to make ur own decisions, it also forces us to rely on sars narration of events even tho hes not a trustworthy person

bcuz we cant see bien we also dont know if anything in the place is distracting or bothering him. the last updates established he finds the way the house "sounds" to be rly disturbing (again poiting to sensory sensitivity), and the way the story focuses not on why he might not be looking at sar and instead only looks at his "problem behavior" reminds me of my own experiences with aba before

sar commands eye contact from bien with the simple repetition of the phrase "look at me". this very first one stands out because of how its inserted right in the middle of his dialogue, showing sars intention to make sure bien "focuses" on what hes currently saying, like he needs bien to be looking at him to "prove" he is listening. reading it in real time the first "look at me" is almost unnoticable until the next ones

i noticed the first one is also early on in the update, and he doesnt say it again until later on where all the "look at mes" are closer together. this happens when bien reads the research paper with the "blocks". i think it implies bien is more uncomfortable or stressed out from this activity and being overwhelmed by it, he looks away more frequently, its a subtle detail that i cant help but noticed!

premack principle/first, then

this is what stood out to me the most, sar pretends to "offer" autonomy to bien sometimes by letting him decide some minor things like what to eat for the break, or to let him make minor adjustments to the overall "daily schedule" but i noticed the entire "lesson" is decided by sar, who makes bien do a "harder" task first before moving on to something bien might want to do (eat cake/listen to the piano) or to "something easier"

some standing out parts:

reading this, especially "of course, i believe you can do it" its clear that bien doesnt necessarily want to move to the "easier" tasks and he wants to keep trying the current task even if hes not doing "well". the desire to move to "something easier" is always something sar decides because of his estimation of biens incompetence, and not out of biens own unwillingness to keep trying.

speaking of the schedule, its interesting, sar doesnt simply say he will make time in biens daily schedule to let him play the piano, he says bien will be allowed to have piano lessons, meaning hes still planning to use even biens hobbies/interests as a opportunity to "educate" him or as "reinforcerment" for him to do "good" behaviors first. i can imagine in the future biens desire to play the piano is going to be used against him, so that hes only allowed to do it if he "studies" first

reinforcements and "safe foods"

in the premack principle/"token economy" a reward is used to motivate the "good behavior" and here we see sar using food as that reinforcement. also sar doesnt punish bien here (also hello bien and his super literal thinking, autistic king), he tells bien to keep reading while sar cleans up.

the idea of not using punishment to be more "humane" is indeed a part of modern aba (traditional aba utilized punishments before this was dropped) but that doesnt account for all the other issues with aba, and again with the lack of autonomy he assumes bien "messing with the pens" is an "accident" (instead of explaining more literally not to touch the pens - its possible bien did it on purpose but is unaware why this is a "big deal" and wouldnt understand why sar is pointing it out to begin with), and he also doesnt ask bien if he wants to help clean up, or why he touched the pens to begin with.

for all we know bien got bored and started stimming with the pens (esp bcuz chewing or clicking pens is a common stim, we dont know what sar means with "messed with" here), sar could of at least asked first why bien did that anyway and like?? let him borrow a pen??? lmao???

anyway, back to the cake, in a previous updates its shown bien likes cake and i think this establishes cake as a sort of "safe food" for bien

this is something gui pointed out that i didnt notice at first, but notably bien asks for just a chocolate cake, and sar gives him a devils food cake that has vanilla in it. its something so "small" that bien will look bad if he complains abt it, but sar ignoring a very specific request bien had is a common autistic experience when it comes to safe foods and being told just to be "picky eater"

assumptions of biens incompetence/struggles

its no secret bien seems to struggle with "intelligent" matters but notably nobody ever stops to ask what he stuggles with, its always assumed for him. while ava is more obviously dismissive, sar also does the exact same thing and just sounds "nicer" about it

lack of proper explanations

despite being an expository character sar notably doesnt explain things in a way that would be useful to bien. my personal observation of bien and why i dont think hes "stupid" (not in the way the others sy he is) is that he asks a lot of logical questions! whenever ava tells him a story abt the history of angels/marginals, or asks him to do a new task, bien makes a lot of sensible observations ("if angels marginals and demons are the immortals and youre not an angel then what are you?")

the things he questions the most are information that comes out of nowhere (the recursive panopticon, sars first appearance, the margibird that came out of his radio etc), and other people treat him like an idiot for just not automatically knowing these "obvious" things that would make sense for him to know!

honestly viewing bien in this lens it suddenly makes alot more sense why the story jumps around so much and introduces "weird" lore seemingly at random, i think it rly helps simulate the feeling of confusion bien (and also bread) are meant to have

and of course where would we be w/o sars insistence that bien always say thank you even tho he never explains what bien should even be thanking him for.

general infantilization

as a whole sars tone is very infantilizing w/ how he always gives reassurances and goes "do you understand?" "___, okay?"

also he decides to give bien storybooks (probably for kids) and plushies to help with sleeping lmao??? we dont even know yet if hes going to have sleeping problems in anselir.

ofc nothing is inherently wrong with needing things considered "childish" with accomodations, lots of autistic people benefit from simpler talking to them or from sensory aids and similar in their daily life. but again its bad here because bien gives no indication these are the specific accomodations he even needs, sar simply assumes them for him. i think especially knowing bien seems insecure over his incompetence and his ability to "grow up" and be an independent adult living away from his father, it makes treating him like a dependent child even worse in that contexts.

disrespect for personal boundaries/touching

this is definitely the creepiest part and again the lack of biens side of things makes it vague what sar is doing

the way its immersed in the dialogue again is a good choice, just shows sar talking and acting "normally" even when things are decidedly not normal

the comment abt the hair makes it obvious that sar is touching bien, altho to what extent the "touching" goes is obviously deliberately vague. honestly it almost looks like sa :") regardless the pressure to do "affectionate" gestures is so relatable, especially as an autistic kid where adults always pressure you to hug them or show some other form of physical affection, and the way ppl touching u w/o permission is so common.

(i did ask the author abt this, to which they said its supposed to be vague so its not sexual but its also not not sexual. but that they personally wrote it to be them sitting next to each other with sar just condescendingly petting him on the head at some point like he did the last updates, and the "try not to squirm" comment was abt sitting properly, but that this was just how they imagined it and isnt "canon" bcuz its supposed to be open-ended)

bonus:

a subtle thing i almost dont noticed but the last "what blocks" is slightly bigger as if to show a slight raise in voice, rly feels like sitting in a suffocating room with this guy. ily sar but u suck

that is the end of my breadposting thank u and goodbye. ^_^

#breadavota #long post #tagging ooo #actuallyautistic #actually autistic #aspd #antisocial personality disorder #conduct disorder #oppositional defiant disorder #autism #adhd #comic review #aba #applied behavior analysis #applied behavioral analysis #aba therapy #aba tw

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the-casbah-way · 3 months

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gender rant below

it's so frustrating to me how systemic and collective transphobia is so embedded into literally everything that it even rots the minds of people who otherwise seem left wing or progressive. my mother has always been a fairly radical leftist and she is overwhelmingly accepting and unquestioning of all of my trans friends. but as soon as i told her i wanted to start testosterone and get surgery she's suddenly started spouting terf rhetoric left and right without even realising she's doing it. my whole life she has let me dress and present however i want and she has always been the kind of parent that just leaves me alone and lets me do my own thing. but now she's giving me her opinion of what i wear and what clothes i buy because she'd clearly prefer me to look feminine because she now equates my masculinity not with the radical gender nonconformity she respects and enjoys but with explicit transness. and she never had a problem with transness until she realised that it also applied to me. i was her oldest daughter so i was the one she projected onto and lived through vicariously and so when i start doing things she wouldn't personally do it feels disappointing to her i suppose. when i was younger she was constantly telling me that i was everything she wanted to be but never got to and because she doesn't believe that she can still achieve those things she wants me to do it instead. she doesn't even know she's doing it so i don't know how to fix it but i really do wish she would get therapy because this is just one of the multiple ways in which she projects these issues onto me and makes me feel like i have to be somebody else just to please her. she says she'd do anything to stop me being miserable but she doesn't want me to do this even though i've told her that the reason i'm miserable is because of dysphoria. she keeps saying that she's sorry she didn't take me to the doctor sooner and that she can't afford a good therapist for me because if i had gotten help in my childhood i wouldn't be "like this" now and i know she's only saying that because she doesn't know how these things work but it sucks so much to hear that. for me it has taken so much work and so much courage to admit that i want to transition even to myself so to have someone enforce all of my doubts and fears out loud and to have that someone be the person whose opinion i have always cared about the most is just rough. my identity just makes so much sense to me and it just feels so right that i can't possibly explain it to someone who doesn't also understand and i have told her that she doesn't need to understand she just has to be kind and accepting but. god i hate being misunderstood like this. it sucks so much to have something that feels so special and exciting and beautiful be deemed scary and ugly and weird by someone so close to me. i know this is just part of being trans so i've got to get used to it but i'm so tired of working through all of these layers of internalised queerphobia only to get hit in the face by more external stuff that makes me feel absolutely awful about myself

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woozapooza · 6 months

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Miscellaneous post-s5 Sopranos thoughts

This is just a selection of the stuff I wrote in my journal this season.

Adriana La Cerva suffered more than Jesus.

One of my favorite things to think about in any TV show is character parallels, and The Sopranos is fantastic on that front, yet for all the time I’ve spent thinking about which Sopranos characters parallel each other, somehow it took five whole seasons for me to notice what now seems like one of the most obvious pairs: Silvio and Melfi! They’re both Tony’s confidants and his two main advisers. Melfi is kind of his emotional consigliere, and Silvio is his…business therapist? What I’m trying to say is that they complement each other in their roles in Tony’s life, and that was (finally) extremely clear in “All Due Respect.” Despite looking at Tony from such different perspectives, they give him essentially the same advice about the Tony B. situation. They both conclude that Tony S. is using noble rhetoric of love and loyalty to mask what’s really motivating him. For Silvio, that motivation is “pride” and “a problem with authority,” and for Melfi, it’s “guilt and shame” (I suspect they’re both right to some degree, though I also think they’re both being unfair by implying that noble motives and selfish ones are mutually exclusive—come on, guys, he contains multitudes!) but they agree that to make the right decision, Tony needs to be honest with himself.

Another interesting parallel: in “Long Term Parking,” Christopher essentially does to Adriana the same thing he’s mad at Tony for doing to him. He “gave [Tony S.] pieces of [his] soul,” yet Tony S. favors the loose cannon Tony B. over him. Well, Adriana gave Christopher pretty much her entire soul, yet Christopher chooses the ungrateful Tony S. over her. The difference, of course, is that Tony S.’s choice (pre-“All Due Respect”) only costs Christopher his position, while Chris’s choice costs Adriana her life. And Adriana died knowing that Christopher had chosen Tony over her, his ride-or-die. With an emphasis on the “die,” I guess. At least Pussy had some comfort in his final moments. Adriana had none.

In “Sentimental Education,” Carmela’s relationship with Wegler failed because she tried to treat it as a transactional arrangement (well, and also because he was a pretentious misogynist). In “Long Term Parking,” it’s a transaction that brings Carmela and Tony back together. I’ve seen some people paint her relationship with Wegler as pure conniving on her part, but I don’t think that’s fair. It’s clearly how she’s used to relationships working.

In that same episode, I was SO proud of Carmela for starting to wake up to the absurdity of some of the things the Catholic church has taught her.

I’m glad Carmela and Tony are back together if only because it was so painful to see how utterly alone she was during the separation. The suffocating feeling I got from watching her try to escape her awful husband’s clutches while also being vilified by her son was reminiscent of the feeling I got watching Breaking Bad, except worse, because Walter Jr. was never as vicious to Skyler as Anthony Jr. is to Carmela.

I’m generally a Meadow apologist, but she had some unbearable moments this season, especially in “Unidentified Black Males.” The drama with Finn was frustrating (and to be fair, Finn could probably have handled it better, too, but Meadow was worse), but the worst part, IMO, was what she said to Carmela: “Haven't you thought beyond being dependent on a man?” Girl that is LITERALLY WHAT SHE’S TRYING TO DO NOW. Going back to the topic of Carmela’s isolation, it’s maddening that both her “progressive” daughter and her not-even-pretending-to-be-progressive husband essentially blame her for not being able to take care of herself, while also refusing to give her credit for trying to finally carve out an independent existence.

On that topic, this season continues the theme of what I call the obstacle of expectations: the fact that change is far harder when it seems that no one around you believes that you can change. (Which is not to say that this skepticism is always unearned.) Carmela tries to have a relationship with a normal guy, but concludes that “because [she] was married to a man like Tony, [her] motives will always be called into question.” Tony greatly impresses Melfi by not hooking up with Adriana (side note, it was really sweet how proud Melfi was of him), but he’s widely believed to have done so nonetheless, so he concludes, “I might as well have fucked her.” Then he says a sarcastic “thanks” to Melfi, the one person who consistently believes in his ability to change even after all he’s put her through, as if she’s the problem. Christopher literally says that “Tony don’t believe a person can change” and is therefore holding his past as an addict against him; in the following episode, when the Tonys are making jokes at his expense, Chris, in a moment of genuinely impressive maturity, says, “Sobriety's hard enough without having to get mocked for it.” All of Janice’s work in anger management is undone in a matter of seconds by her brother deliberately trying to undo it. Tony B. justifiably complains about the stigma of being an ex-con, although he’s a complicated case because he backslides into criminality at a moment when no one is being prejudiced towards him.

On that note, I never quite felt like I got Tony B. as a character. For example, I couldn’t really make sense of why he backslid so dramatically in “Sentimental Education.” I enjoyed him nonetheless, although a large part of that is surely due to the fact that it’s basically impossible not to enjoy Steve Buscemi.

This post is getting enormous so I won’t go into detail about this, but the stories people tell—about themselves and about others, to themselves and to others—stood out as a huge theme this season. Excellent! Very Black Sails!

“The Test Dream” was so much fun. More shows should do episodes that let them bring back legions of dead characters.

Have I mentioned how much I love Melfi? No I haven’t because it’s beyond the capacity of human language to express. This season she was in 62% of the episodes (8/13). Next season she’s in 71% of the episodes (15/21), which is an improvement. I think she should be in a million percent of the episodes, but I’m also grateful that she’s ever been on my screen for even a single second.

#x #The Sopranos #Anna watches tv #Anna watches The Sopranos

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trans-axolotl · 1 year

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hi, I really like your blog and your antipsych thoughts have been very helpful to me. i hope this is ok to ask for advice (sorry i have brain fog and this question is vague)? i think i'm looking for 'unconventional' advice or suggestions, the kind that someone in the psych system would not necessarily recommend to me.

i have had a bad history with therapy, but i very much need some kind of mental support that i am not getting otherwise in my life (issues like CPTSD, DID, among other things). im in a position where i /can/ go to therapy, and i've been with a therapist that specializes in the things that are causing me the most problems for a year and theyre fine (i.e. has not ever helped me figure out anything about how to improve my life but has been someone who can perscribe me stuff, and hasn't done anything actively harmful to me like other therapists and psychiatrists have), but going is so upsetting for some reason (maybe because the therapy environment has been so bad in the past?) and not at all helpful. it's useful for me to have a relationship to a psychiatrist/therapist for medication and other 'navigating the system' reasons, but it's absolutely unhelpful. i am very frustrated and disillusioned with the whole concept of 'therapy' in general (maybe due to my history)!! but i don't know how else to get help!

it's harder because of the brain fog. i also feel very isolated partially because i'm in a not great environment, and partially because i have multiple mental illnesses in addition to not being a very nice person. i have felt really let down by supposed friends i've come to for help who just said therapy speak stuff like 'you should get help....' and 'sorry i don't have the emotional bandwidth to help <3' and stuff like that. it really makes me feel like i'm too messed up to be able to ask for help from regular people and i have to go to the psych industry but of course i've already been failed by them too :(

hey anon!

I think what you've said makes so much sense. I feel like we're so often told "go get help" but when we do try to seek support, it isn't as simple as just going and easily finding a therapist who is able to provide all the support and care we need. It can be so hard to find and pay for therapy in the first place, harder still to find someone who specializes in a therapy style to meet our needs, and sometimes we might not just be in a place in our life where we are in an environment that allows us to do in depth therapy work. And I just want to say that it isn't your fault if therapy isn't meeting your needs right now--that doesn't mean that you're failing at therapy. You absolutely aren't alone in feeling dissatisfied with therapy and wanting other options.

For me, what's helped when I've been considering making changes about how I approach my mental health has first been sitting down and really taking a thorough look at what things are working and what things aren't working. It seems like you've done a lot of that already--you know that it's helpful to have a therapeutic relationship to get meds and for help in the system, you know that the therapy environment hasn't been particuarly helpful for other types of healing work, and it seems like another thing you're thinking about is how to get mental support from your friends and other people in your everyday life. I think those are really good starting places to consider where you want to go from here. It might be helpful to make a list of what feels like priorities to focus on right now--do you want to develop more skills for navigating crisis? Do you want to focus on changing your relationship with dissociation? harm reduction for self destructive behaviors? building resilience and cultivating relationships in your life? There's no right or wrong answers here--you're going to be the expert on what feels most important right now.

I also just want to say that I think it's really shitty when we're made to feel like we're too crazy or too needy or too messed up to be able to be cared for and supported in our community. I've definitely had people tell me that, and it really hurts and makes me feel hopeless, like I'm always going to be struggling and that there's no chance that I'll be able to get better. But fuck that. We deserve to have meaningful connections in our community, access to resources that help us, and to be able to build resilient relationships where getting emotional support isn't considered an unmanageable burden, even if we're mad/mentally ill/ neurodivergent. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to rely on your friends and community that way, although I know it's hard when everyone we know is struggling and people don't have the energy or skills or knowledge to be able to help each other.

This is getting long, so I'm just going to list off a ton of random tips and suggestions, and I hope some of them might resonate with you.

Join a peer support group aligned with antipsych values. Hearing Voices Network, Alternatives to Suicide with the Wildflower alliance, Multiplied by One, FEDUP trans/intersex eating disorder support groups are all great options.

harm reduction! this can be especially applicable for self-destructive behaviors, but just in general moving outside of an "abstinence-only model." working to understand your actions on a spectrum of totally chaotic, unmanaged behaviors to more managed, intentional relationships with those behaviors. embracing any positive change as an important step instead of self-blame and all-or-nothing thinking.

Trying to think of the best way to describe what I'm thinking here, so I might not have the best phrasing. But basically, spending time separating your ideas for what wellbeing and quality of life look like for you from the psychiatric system's ideas of what a "normal," "healthly," quality of life looks like. For me, this looked like realizing that I wasn't actually interested in getting rid of all my hallucinations, but instead I just wanted to lessen the distress I experienced and find a way to hallucinate without panicking. So I guess just in general--really exploring what is actually important to you for your wellbeing and not limiting yourself to mainstream definitions of "recovery."

Unconventional coping skills, or coping skills that traditional psychiatry deems "risky." I've talked with some people who things like getting tattoos and piercings are actually incredibly healing for them, and are an important part of their "therapeutic" journey. Not going to go into detail or promote other "risky" coping skills on Tumblr lmao, but more just say that it's okay if there's things that therapists view as risky that you might have another perspective on how it fits into your personal healing.

Building up your and your loved ones capacity for community care. This can be a really hard one, because I know it always frustrated me when I would see people talking online about how great things like care webs or the power of peer support when I just didn't have any of that in my physical everyday life. So I'm not just going to put this here like it's a magical solution or something that's easy to accomplish. It's something that can take a ton of work and we're allowed to be frustrated about that. I think one strategy that helped me with this was spending a lot of time building my own understanding of my own capacity to help, my own needs, and what ways I would like to be cared for. That helped me start small, just by having conversations with my loved ones when I wasn't in crisis and saying "Hey, this is how I would like things to go when I'm in crisis. This is something that helps me when I'm hallucinating. This is a way you could let me know that you can't support me tonight but still leaves room for us to have connection. This is how I can help you. Let's talk openly together and develop and practice how we want to care for each other." Starting with just one person and one conversation really went a long way for me in terms of eventually building up an actual support network and for me was super instrumental in healing work.

Setting out an hour a week that's my "self therapizing time." just using one hour a week to look up new resources, try out new skills, journal, do self-inquiry, participate in activism, do something that brings me joy, read something new about mental health, literally anything that feels intentional in that hour. trying out a lot of new things and quitting a lot of new things!

Incorporating your physical needs. I'm sure we've heard a million times things like "get sleep, nourish yourself, go outside," and all that is great but often feels fucking impossible when we're mentally doing not great. but I guess just saying it can be good to be aware of how our physical body impacts our mental health in other ways. things like trying to get our sensory needs met, embracing movement that feels good + making space for rest, embracing things that bring our physical body pleasure whether that's tasty food, sex or other kinds of physical intimacy with other people, if it's using substances in a way that feels helpful or joyful or fun--anything really!

Here's a bunch of random orgs and resources that I have found helpful: Fireweed Collective, Wildflower Alliance, Project LETS, Mapping our Madness, Mad Survival Tools, Organizing Guide for Psychiatric Survivors, MindFreedom Resources, Multiplied by one (I can't personally vouch because I haven't been to their groups, but I have a friend with DID who attends these groups and had positive things to say about them.)

I'd also add on this book: "Psychosis, Dissociation, and Trauma: Evolving perspectives on Severe Psychopathology" although I do want to give a warning that this book is a heavy academic text that has a lot of clinical and stigmatizing language. For me, it had some helpful information that helped me make connections between my experiences of trauma, dissociation, and psychosis, but I would not recommend reading it unless you feel like you're in the right headspace and can deal with wading through a lot of the psychiatric narrative.

These are all just some things that sometimes work for me, so please feel free to disregard anything that doesn't resonate with you. I'd also love it if followers could add on with any tips, resources, any "unconventional" advice!

thanks for reaching out, anon, and I hope you have a good night 💜

#personal #antipsych #antipsychiatry #resources #going to copy and paste most of these things over into a seperate post just for links to resources if anyone wants that #mad pride #mad liberation #<3 followers please add on!!

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calamity-unlocked · 6 months

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Sigh. I accidentally posted my half-finished answer to a really kind ask and then in a panic deleted all of it.

So! Rewriting it all. (Hope you'll see this, anon <3) I unfortunately don't have a copy of the ask, but what anon basically asked for were my reasons why I stopped listening to dndads.

There are a couple, mostly boiling down to that I felt increasingly frustrated with Anthony and the waste of potential in season 2. I'll elaborate on this - really happy someone asked me about this actually, I've been looking for an excuse to write out my thoughts on the matter.

Dndads negativity under the cut (aka hater hours)

First of all prefacing this with saying that the most important factor was probably my personal mental health. But we're not here to talk about that, we're here to rant!! So, here is my little wordspew which I've been wanting to write for literal months:

Rejecting the Storytelling Medium You Use and Ignoring the Consequences

Let's start on a positive note; I love the comedy of this show and the cast's chemistry. Every time I listened to an episode, I laughed so hard my jaw hurt. They are incredibly funny people.

However, every time as the credits rolled after "On My Way," a sense of nervous disappointment lingered. The problem sat in season 2's story. Every episode is funny, but the narrative steps that were taken were just frustrating, going in a direction that lead either to meaningless conflict or another fetch quest with minimal results.

Dungeons and Daddies should not be a Dungeons and Dragons podcast.

People struggling with the rules and deciding to do their own thing with it can have its charm - it never annoyed me in the first season of the Adventure Zone. But with dndads it actively hinders the show and the storytelling.

It's just... Anthony isn't that good of a DM.

He knows the rules of d&d 5e. He just doesn't want to use them. He gets frustrated when his players take creative actions that undermine the story he planned out. An example is the confrontation between the teens and Willy. Lots of really creative actions and high-level spells were used, but Anthony consistently shut those down and in the end it all went according to how he wanted it to go.

They frequently rerecord scenes when they feel it didn't work out. That's not exactly letting the dice decide, which is what the whole genre is based on!

My sister and I used to speculate on where the story could go, and we often jokes 'this is good stuff, Anthony Buch take notes', and those jokes turned from (affectionate) to (derogatory) once it became clear to us that the direction Anthony was taking really didn't sit right with us.

Season 2 truly had so much potential. We have a set of really interesting PCs who have a strong relationship with a set of equally (if not more) interesting NPCs. The setup of the Doodler as a bbeg was great - and so was the reveal of the Doodler's true feelings.

But the story dragged out, didn't grow, the jokes detracted and distracted from the narrative, emotional beats were unearned, etc. I was bored with the characterization of the kiddads and their actions. The return of the og dads was messy and took away from the story. The three month time skips during a period in which there were supposed to be stakes made me want to rip my hair out.

There's a whole other essay I can make about how d&dads undermines it own stakes, but this is already getting too long so that's for another time.

Also, and I'm so sorry to use Anthony as a punching bag this much, but the man verbally undermines himself so much. He constantly says he doesn't like the second season, negatively compares both PCs and storybeats with the first season, and disses his own capabilities. I understand anxiety well, believe me I do, but continuously saying that you don't think this thing you've created is any good to your fans on your own podcast gets frustrating. This seems to me something you share your personal circle or your therapist, not to your thousands of fans who probably listen to the podcast because it brings them joy!

I have so much more to say, talking about this truly sparks joy in me. But all that matters I suppose is that I've happily divorced. Sadly writing about Lark Oak genuinely helps me cope with all the stuff that's going on, so I'll be tied to this podcast for a while longer.

#if anyone wants to shittalk dndads i'm your gal #favorite activity #also anons timing was so good #i logged in to tumblr to post #'so be real. do you guys seriously think the story of dndads s2 is good'#when i saw the message in my inbox #answers and such #sweet anons

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your-fave-adopted-you · 2 years

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Hello! I would like to make a request with Crowley reacting to a Father's Day gift 👀

MC are too tired of the irresponsible behavior of their guardian and the chaos that is happening in the NRC, so all they can do is passive aggression

okay this is hilarious.

Guardian! Crowley reacts to a passive-agressive father's day gift

Characters : Crowley

Gn pronouns were used.

TW : none.

Context : It's been some time since you randomly appeared at NRC. It's principal, Crowley, had quickly grown very fond of you and decided to be your guardian.

However, as odd as it sounds, most of the time it felt like you were the one responsible for him, and not the other way around.

Everyone tells you how hard it is to get accepted there, that it's a very professional and organized institution.

Yeah, you're not buying that. Just some days after you were brought here, a dorm leader literally overblotted, and a while after, yet another one did, and so on.

This institution seems to be home for chaos but is your guardian, self proclaimed bestest father, and the one in charge of the whole place doing anything about it?

Nah, he leaves his precious non-magical kid to be (the extreme and dangerous version of) a therapist for literally everyone.

You were fed up with this, but knowing Crowley, complaining wouldn't do much.

Today's father's day.

You had thought about not gifting Crowley anything, as a way of saying "Act more like a father and maybe next year you'll get one"

But that idea made you feel like you were still the parent of this dinamic, scolding the childish one in hopes of correcting his behavior.

Isn't that exactly what you want to stop?

anyways, what should an actual young adult do in this situation?

Yeah, being petty as hell sounds about right.

You were (again) texting your best friend about your frustrations regarding Crowley.

"hey, y/n, would you give me permission to roast your dad?"

"yeah sure."

he had. so many memes prepared for this occasion.

Most he made himself after listening to you complain about the crowdad almost daily. Yep, they were mostly inside jokes.

There was one, however, that caught your attention.

"Pfff i think I may have his father's day gift figured out"

"naaah you're not going to do that, right?"

"😈😈😈"

"RIGHT?"

all of a sudden this is an arts and crafts montage.

You printed the text and stuff and glued it to the thinnest piece of cardboard you could find.

You also told Idia about your idea and he let you use his 3D printer, for the sake of shitpost.

Once it was done, it looked so professional, like if you had bought it for like, 2$ at the gas station.

"5minutes b4 disaster" was the caption of an (intentionally) slightly blurry pic you posted, that showed your magnum opus.

You finally go to the principal's office.

There he is, playing some annoying mobile game that typically pops up as an ad for a relatively better game way too often.

you give him your beautifully wrapped gift.

"OH! MY PRECIOUS, BEAUTIFUL Y/N!!! I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T FORGET!"

why. does he always have to yell.

as he unwraps your gift, the smile in his faces just gets wider.

"YOU-"

oh my god.

"YOU MADE AN ACTION FIGURE OF YOUR BELOVED DAD?? WHY! I TOTALLY DESERVE THIS!! my sweet, sweet y/n, i know see how you may feel about HAVING THE BEST DAD EVER!!"

yeah he's totally ignoring the package.

the worst part is- you're convinced he read the whole thing, but he's just delusional.

your mission has been a total failure.

The next time you go to his office, you notice the figure on his desk, next to a post-it drawing of you, looking up to the it and smiling.

there's also multiple printed pictures of you (some taken from your social media and a couple paparazzi style)

he's ... actually working on some paperwork, wow. he seems very content.

for just this time. you can let him win.

#twst x mc #twst x reader #dire crowley

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frozen-fountain · 9 months

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For the book recs asks: 1, 5, 18, 23, 54, 71

A book that is close to your heart

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Kimmerer. I read it about three years ago now and find myself thinking of it when I'm feeling at a crossroads and weighing up consequential decisions.

5. Something in fiction that reads like poetry

Not to be a stuck record but just... anything by Angela Carter. Not only for the beauty of her language and the images it creates in your mind but because, as florid and maximalist as her writing can be, it's all constructed to support layers of symbolism and deep wells of meaningful connotation. It's economical purple prose.

18. Your least favorite book ever

The most recent contender is probably Nothing But Blackened Teeth by Cassandra Khaw, which on the surface contains a lot of things I should love but completely failed in execution. Everyone knows that I love me some ornate, orchidaceous prose, so you know it's serious when even I am inwardly curling up into a ball of secondhand embarrassment at the excess on the page. Lady, you cannot drop "chiaroscuro" into your narration more than once without a damned good reason, and there's also some really cringy lampshading of cliched illogical things horror protagonists do that read less like an attempt to deconstruct these things in a meaningful way, and more like "So that just happened" humour to cover up the laziness of running the characters through these motions. Worst of all, there's no real subtext to add substance to the scares. There's some stuff in there about mental illness, about toxic and stagnant friendships, about marriage customs in feudal Japan versus contemporary America and what they do to women, but it failed to add up to anything enlightening or compelling. I loved the location, but that's about it.

A popular choice for this question, I think, but I'd throw in Hanya Yanagihara's A Little Life, too. Not because of the subject matter, or because of the ending, but because it's using these terrible experiences to cover itself in the trappings of a literary great while being, at least in my estimation, incredibly pulpy and borderline exploitative in its execution. I also did not at all see the beautiful, poetic prose that some people did and actually found the language really flat throughout, and found myself especially frustrated at the author's habit of over-explaining the characters' motivations and psychology instead of demonstrating them through action and dialogue - it read like a therapist's notes in many places, which doesn't work for fiction that's so centered on inner experience. But I do also see how and why this book could deeply move and become important to someone, and it frustrates me a bit that a lot of criticism of it seems to focus on anachronisms and lack of realism instead of asking why these devices were employed. But it's very Not For Me and places high on this list because my inability to DNF anything meant it took a long time to slog through.

I feel bad for saying so much more about books I hated than the ones I loved, but in the case of the latter I really am hoping anyone who reads these answers will check them out for themselves. I feel like my "Stay away!" needs a bit more qualification.

23. A book that is currently on your TBR

When I'm finished with Earthsea, I want to reread To the Lighthouse. It's been calling me and I was only twenty the first time I went through it, so I'm interested to see how it hits with all these experiences under my belt and after such dramatic changes in perspective as I've accumulated. For spoopy month I have Bitter Orange by Claire Fuller, Sisters by Daisy Johnson, and The Vegetarian by Han Kang lined up, and I'm really excited for all of those.

54. A book with the best opening line

It's pretty hard to beat "It was the day my grandmother exploded" (The Crow Road by Iain Banks).

71. Your favourite LGBTQ+ fiction

To just about everyone I would rec The Passion of New Eve by Angela Carter, which is gorgeously written gender fuckery; The Luminous Dead by Caitlin Starling, which is really effective sci-fi horror with a complicated sapphic slow burn at its centre; and Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin, because what more could I say? With a much bigger pinch of salt I would add Maria McCann's As Meat Loves Salt to that list, because not everybody wants to be in the head of a violent and possessive rapist for several hundred pages, but it's a descent into the abyss that will stay with me for as long as I live.

#garth-greensleeves #thanks dear!

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lilacartsmadsion · 1 year

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Am i a;lowed to ask for that scenario/ where cacao goes to therapy and uhh, yknow the stuff we said in dms

It doesnt go well

Therapist: So let’s start with something simple, How do you feel, like everyday before you, lose control?

Dark Cacao: Angry?…Frustrated…when something negative happens I suppose…usually anger…

Therapist: Any specific reasons for said anger issues?

Dark Cacao: It’s mostly triggered through annoyance, I can control it better, but if I’m annoyed enough I will…lose control…

Therapist: And…the other times…?

Dark Cacao:…

Dark Cacao: I was…angry at someone…someone I was arguing with, either I hated the way they were or just simply felt betrayed…

Dark Cacao: Sometimes it activates when someone I care about is hurt…and I feel this sudden rage fill my soul that I…lose control so easily…

Therapist: Have you told anyone about this?

Dark Cacao: Yes…

Therapist: I see…Does it always happen this way? Have you been trying to seek help for this crisis?

Dark Cacao: Usually…I always regarded it as a cursed defense mechanism…regardless its not going to go away unless I actually handle it.

Therapist: You’re dealing this on your own?

Dark Cacao: Why not? It’s…it’s not like the others can help, they don’t even understand how this works either! And at this point I’m the only one who can protect them!

Therapist: So you push them away? What about Espresso or Pure Vanilla? Aren’t they finding a cure?

Dark Cacao: There is no cure��I’ve accepted that…

Therapist:…

Therapist: Well it doesn’t hurt to at least let them help you.

Dark Cacao: I’ve survived worse on my own, I can handle myself.

Therapist: On your own? All by yourself?

Dark Cacao: I’ve fought two dragons and raised a kingdom from the ground up all by myself, in this snowy wasteland, given myself techniques and skills so that my subjects will thrive despite this harsh climate! So yes, all by myself!

Therapist: That was in your adolescence…it was recorded that you were much younger than the others when you founded your kingdom…

Therapist: But are you certain you were on your own? What about your friends? Didn’t they help you? Perhaps…your family? There must be a reason you constantly pursue things on your own…

Dark Cacao:…

Dark Cacao: I don’t want to talk about this.

Therapist: Your Majesty, please, if I am to make a correct decision on your state, I might as well learn what may be your weaknesses here, did your friends abandon you at some point? Did something happen that made you think that you had to do it all alone?

Dark Cacao: My kingdom was in the height of its prosperity when I met the others! There’s no way they would’ve started this!

Therapist: Then your family…tell me, did they abandon you? Left you to fend for yourself? Did they place a helping hand when you needed it the most?

Dark Cacao: Shut your mouth, I don’t want to talk about this!

Therapist: It couldn’t have been a brother or sister, such actions would’ve made you more of a people pleaser, but you seem so afraid to let people into your heart, my guess is that you’ve been shut out by someone.

Therapist: Not to mention your neglectful behavior towards your son, though understandable that you had a kingdom to run that suffered a lot with trade since your land is an icy wasteland compared to Hollyberry’s thriving kingdom that lives in the middle of an island, you also seem to purposefully distance yourself from him.

Dark Cacao: We are still getting used to each other.

Therapist: No no, I’m talking about, PRIOR to his banishment. Multiple cookies have reported that, though you love the Prince whole heartedly, there’s something in you that is hesitant to show him the proper love and care you want to give him, my guess is that…perhaps, you believe you wouldn’t be a good father for him?

Dark Cacao: ?!

Therapist: But for what reason? The only thing I believe is that you had a problem with your own father…

Dark Cacao:…

Therapist: And it seems I’m spot on…

Dark Cacao: I’m not listening to this.

Therapist: What did he do to you, Dark Cacao? Why is it your so hesitant to let others help you when they so desperately want to?

Dark Cacao: Stop!

Therapist: Why do you choose to hurt yourself just to protect others?!

Dark Cacao: SHUT IT!

Therapist: Your past has done something to you, you refuse to let others help you because the last time you begged for the help of someone else, he shunned you away and left you to fend for yourself!

Dark Cacao: I DON’T WANT TO REMEMBER THIS!

-Dark Cacao transforms into Berserk Cacao and in anger eats the Therapist-

#dark cacao cookie #I kept the backstory vague cause idk how Black Forest is in your au and if Dark Cacao has the same backstory as my ghosts of our pasts au

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ticklepinions · 2 years

Text

Mirror, Mirror

A/N: So this is another different one. To anyone struggling with these things know that you are loved. This is going to dabble a little into mental health stuff, body image and eating disorders. Personally, I struggle with undiagnosed depression (I will eventually convince myself to see a therapist) and disordered eating (which is different from an eating disorder). If you are also struggling, know that you are not alone. Please be aware of the warnings before deciding to read on, the language used may be triggering to some.

Warning: Mental health, body image, implied eating disorder

Word Count: ~1400

Excitement was in the air. A freshly discarded cardboard box dropped to the floor; its contents in the hands of a very enthused boy.

It was a new powder blue hoodie. Sure, it may have been on the expensive side but it was soft. Like, really soft. It was as though clouds were woven into the fabric. The best and most wild part was that it was cropped, something Charlie never imagined himself wearing.

Arms flew through the sleeves, frantic fingers pulling it over Charlie's body. He ran to his closet and looked at himself in the mirror. It fit well, the sleeves were just right and even had thumb holes! The hem of the hoodie barely covered his belly button.

I hope Nick likes this, he thought. His fingers nervously twirled the hoodie strings.

His smiling face began to falter the longer he looked at himself. A dark presence seemed to slowly engulf the room. Any last bit of joy slowly being snuffed out by a simple voice.

It's ugly. You're ugly.

Charlie rubbed his eyes until he saw stars. This wasn't going to ruin his day.

Do you really think Nick would want to look at you?

The voice hissed at him. It's venom stinging a bit more.

Look at you. Your stomach is a bit too flabby to be showing it off, don't you think? Besides what will-

"Shut up" Charlie spoke aloud. The voice ceased for a moment.

A tentative hand pulled down the hoodie as if it were being controlled by someone else.

As if he was summoned, Nick walked in the room and kissed Charlie. He couldn't have come at a better time, just when things were about to get bad.

"I've missed you" Charlie whispered, his lips lightly pecking at Nick's neck.

Nick looked at him, and at his hoodie. He grimaced. He grimaced.

"W-what? What's wrong, do you not like it?" Charlie began to panic.

Nick took several steps back.

"It's disgusting. You're disgusting."

And with that he stormed out of the room.

Charlie wanted to vomit, his face lost all its color and his hands trembled greatly.

What did I tell you?

That stupid voice. That stupid little voice that followed him everywhere. Charlie's reflection stared back at him, hot tears streaming down his face. Moments like those felt real. They felt so fucking real.

He couldn't stop staring at himself. Critiquing every patch of skin on his body. The nauseousness making him dizzy, only made worse with his mom's voice yelling "dinner".

He couldn't move even if he wanted to. His eyes flickering to his sleeves. They were much too short. Too revealing. Not right.

He's going to find out if you wear sleeves so short

The voices were like glass shards scraping into his brain. The unwelcome visitor was not relenting for a moment. Charlie silently sobbed, groaning in frustration every time another flaw was pointed out. Still his eyes remained open; he could hardly see through the tears. He didn't have to. He knew his body well. He knew just how thin and underwhelming it was.

He didn't notice how dark his room was until a knock on the door brought him out of his trance. He ignored it, a lump in his throat preventing him from speaking.

"Hey Char, Tori sent me a-"

"NICK- PLEASE DON'T LOOK" Charlie croaked. He quickly covered himself with a blanket.

Nick's eyes widened and he walked into the room, placing two plates of food down on Charlie's desk.

"Char? Are you alright, what's going on?"

Luckily, it was dark so Nick couldn't have seen Charlie. Charlie felt Nick slowly approach him and he flinched when a hand touched his shoulder.

Nick was concerned.

"Char please, say something? I can leave if you want me to but just let me know if you're okay?"

Charlie hated himself. The dam broke and he cried. He cried long and hard. Nick gently held Charlie, shedding a few tears of his own.

"I'm s-sorry" Charlie said between sniffles.

"That word is banned, remember? Do you want to talk about what's going on?"

Charlie shook his head weakly.

"Here, drink some water"

Charlie reached from under the blanket that still was covering his entire body and took the glass of water, taking a few sips.

He's going to find out

Charlie let out a whimper and Nick wanted to pull his hair out after hearing it. Fresh tears streamed down his face. He desperately wanted to help his boyfriend with whatever it is he was going through. But Nick didn't want to overstep. It was hard, it hurt not knowing what to do to help.

"I…" Charlie began to speak.

"The end of that sentence better not be 'sorry'." said Nick, his voice a little shaky.

"Are you crying!?" Charlie's head peeked out of the blanket and looked at Nick's red eyes.

"D-don't worry about me. I just really care about you Charlie. And seeing you hurting makes me sad is all"

Charlie's hand reached up to wipe away the tears.

"My brain is just being stupid today…"

"Yeah? I bet that sucks doesn't it?"

"Yeah. I just- I bought- Then I didn't- and I wanted-" Charlie really tried to tell Nick but he was anxious. He knew the voice was wrong, Nick was living proof of it. But it didn't mean it had no impact.

Charlie was amazed at how supportive Nick was. He just stood there, holding him and listening. Not telling him to get over it or to stop being so dramatic. Nick even cried, real tears that were for him instead of because of him. Charlie glanced at the two plates of food. Piecing together that Tori had texted Nick about dinner.

Charlie took a deep breath.

"C-can you um ea- uh, do that with me please"

Nick clued in and promptly sat Charlie onto his lap. The two ate in silence for a while. Nick gently rubbed Charlie's back whenever he saw a troubled expression on Charlie's face. It was an encouraging gesture that helped Charlie finish the plate.

Nick gave him a congratulatory kiss, which Charlie greatly appreciated.

"I'm proud of-"

"I'm going to take off the blanket and I know it looks dumb and I know it's my stupid brain telling me that probably but just be honest" Charlie blurted out, standing up so quickly he nearly fainted. Before waiting for Nick's response, he flung the blanket off of himself, using every last bit of energy he had to not run away.

Nick's mouth dropped to the floor, and his cheeks felt as though they were on fire. He was enraptured by the sight before him. The color complimented Charlie's skin so well. His skin. Nick was definitely not paying any attention to the very anxious Charlie. That was until he reached to cover himself with the blanket again.

"Absolutely not!" Nick swiftly grabbed Charlie's wrists who gasped in response.

"You look-"

"Disgusting. I know" Charlie said feebly.

"What!? No, God no Char. You look like a snacc. No, a whole ass meal. I love how it looks on you Char, I really do"

Nick peppered Charlie's neck with kisses for emphasis. The boy giggled, the kisses and Nick's words filling him with warmth.

"Is this what's been bothering you?" Nick asked.

Charlie shyly nods, biting the inside of his cheek to prevent him from smiling but he failed.

"Well first, I appreciate you having the courage to show me, that must have been a lot. And second, is it okay if I compliment you more? You just look so damn sexy"

Charlie blushed.

"Shut up" he whined, playfully punching Nick.

"I'll take that as a yes~"

Charlie squealed as he was picked up and tossed onto the bed. Nick soon followed, his face squished against Charlie's tummy.

"Is this okay? I just never seen your tummy before but it's so cute"

"D-do you really like-"

"Yes. Maybe not as much as you love my arms though" Nick teased with a wink.

Charlie rolled his eyes. Another shut up was going to be said but only giggles spewed from his mouth.

"Nihihick what are you doing?"

"Is it okay if I kiss here? I couldn't help myself sorry"

"J-just be careful it uh tickles" Charlie said.

For the next hour or so, the room was once again filled with joy. Charlie's stomach was as pink as his cheeks. His giggles only fueled Nick, who continued the onslaught of kisses and compliments.

Take that he said to the voices.

Charlie had the last laugh. Quite literally.

A/N: thanks for making it to the end. Obviously not your typical tickle fic. I hope I didn't make the tickles seem unnatural or forced. I'm not too big on the cheer-up tickles unless it's the right time, right place. To those struggling with mental health, body image, eating disorders, I see you. I hope you are taking care of yourselves and seeking the care that you deserve. I love you and I am always cheering you on. Thank you so much for reading.

#heartstopper fic #heartstopper #tword fic #kinda #heartstopper tword content #heartstopper tword fic

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oldcoyote · 1 month

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murphels replied to your post:

you are not taking it away from someone who needs it bc you are a person who needs it. having to berate yourself into not eating isnt “helping” you its making you feel even worse.

i'm talking about people who need it to not die. my medical situation is unfortunate, but not dire compared with most people who genuinely need the drug to survive and have quality of life. and the berating seems mean, i know, but it does work - it stops me from eating, which i then feel better about for resisting, instead of ashamed and angry at myself for binging.

ceeturnalia replied to your post:

i have been taking one of these drugs (not ozempic but a similar one) for about 18 months and it’s not like. a magical fat melter okay? that’s not how it works even if it sort of looks that way from the outside. part of the way it DOES work is creating a satiety effect. so even if it were true that your whole “problem” is willpower, these drugs sort of give you that willpower? i still want to eat when im hungry but i am full faster and im not eating out of boredom or self-soothing. and when the urge to overdo it is reduced, suddenly there’s room in my brain for other stuff. i can enjoy other things. it didn’t cure my original brain damage (i had a very scary depressive episode last year just for example, ugh) but it helps create space, idk how else to describe it. i can and do sit down with a pint of ice cream when i want to, but the desire isn’t constant and it is *easily satisfied* and as for what other people might say, you know you can just tell them to fuck off and die, right? you have that option right now. even if you don’t go for the drug, you can exercise the FYYFF option as often as you want

that's very good to know, and changes my perspective on the drug quite a bit. that kind of help would be amazing, i can't deny. i just feel a degree of frustration that i can't do it on my own. after an entire adulthood of being obese and everybody in my life knowing that i'll never be strong enough to fix it, i wanted so badly to be strong enough to fix it without "cheating" (in their eyes). i wanted to prove them wrong

i am very much afraid of what other people think at all times and god i wish i had the strength to not care. i would give anything for that. it would change my entire life, to just stop having other people's opinions of me be the most important thing about me. i just don't know how to do that. no therapist seems to be able to figure out how to help me do that, either.

i will keep thinking on it. knowing more about it is incredibly helpful and thank you so much for being so honest boo the fact that you're on it changes a lot for me in terms of the way i think of it. 💛

#replies #murphels #ceeturnalia #binge eating #weight loss drugs for ts

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thefactsofthematter · 1 year

Note

for the fic title game!

“i dream of you almost every night (hopefully i won’t wake up this time)

- @we-are-inevitable ✨

@we-are-inevitable i am taking this title very literally but i think you’re gonna like this one 😁

davey jacobs has a crush.

and it’s not that weird. okay? he’s not a creep or anything. he’s just a normal guy… with extreme social anxiety, who pretty much only talks to his parents and his therapist on the day-to-day, far too freaked out to interact with anyone else. he tries not to be too hard on himself about his social ineptness— he’s mentally ill, it’s a disability, and it’s not his fault— but he often finds himself frustrated with the situation.

he’s taking online university classes, he works from home doing simple stuff like data entry and surveys and typing captions/transcripts (so that he can just take jobs from a database and do them himself without needing to send pointless emails or make calls), and he rarely leaves his apartment. he’s been diagnosed with agoraphobia, among several other overlapping anxiety disorders. he truly wants to get better— he checks in with his therapist every single day and he’s genuinely making progress— but it’s hard.

a big step for him is that he’s started going out to get a coffee every morning. he mobile orders it from the shop on his block, so that he doesn’t need to talk to anyone, but he still gets to go pick it up himself. someday, he’ll try to move on to actually talking to the staff or buying a drink that isn’t black coffee, but he’s not quite there yet.

there’s this barista. jack, his handwritten name tag reads. he’s there every morning, looking utterly joyful— he seems to truly enjoy making good coffee and greeting people and pouring fancy latte art to impress everyone waiting for their drinks. he’s pretty, in a way that most people aren’t. he’s a normal-looking person, not necessarily a model or anything, but his confidence shines through so brightly that it makes it hard to look away from him. simply put, davey is awe-struck by this beautiful man.

he doesn’t talk to jack, doesn’t even quite make eye contact with him, but jack starts to recognize him. he never pushes davey to interact, but smiles at him as soon as he walks in and has his coffee ready and greets him with things like there he is! right on time! here’s the usual, dave— have an amazing day! and davey always catches himself thinking about jack on his way home. it doesn’t even make him nervous that jack notices him and talks to him, because he finds he sort of likes it.

and then he has a dream about jack. you see, in his dreams, davey isn’t so anxious— he can talk to people without his throat closing up, and he can go out and do things without the utter terror that tends to grip him when he deviates from his routine. it’s an escape from real life, and he often looks forward to living in that world for some brief relief. he has a dream where he decides to take his laptop to the coffee shop to sit there and work, and then jack comes over to talk to him, and they hit it off and exchange numbers.

the dreams don’t stop. almost every night, jack is there— or rather, this fantasy version of jack that davey’s lonely and anxious brain has invented. davey doesn’t actually know the guy past their daily customer-employee interactions, where jack has a one-sided conversation while davey forces a polite smile. in davey’s fictional world, though, they’re in love <3

there’s 2 ways this au could go from here. option one, davey tells his therapist, who helps him thoroughly unpack the unhealthy obsession and eventually, after that’s dealt with, encourages him to actually introduce himself to jack and see where real life takes him. it’s cute and sweet and it turns out they do make a very good pair.

option two (which i think you’ll like jac bc i know you love a toxic javid au) is that davey gets a little unhinged.

the obsession grows, and he doesn’t tell anyone about it. he finds jack’s social media, figures out where he lives and who he knows, and starts to piece together every bit of information that he can. it’s not like he’s going to use it for anything— that would be creepy. he’s obviously not a stalker or some kind of freak… he just likes jack. he likes knowing about him, likes seeing him every day, and loves seeing him in his dreams, where everything is coming together as realistically as possible. it’s not just at night anymore, no, he daydreams constantly about the life that he’s convinced he’s supposed to be living. if he weren’t such a shut-in, he’d be happy. he’d have jack. that’s how things should be.

i’ll leave it open to interpretation how far this goes— maybe the obsession fades and jack never finds out. maybe davey goes too far. he’s definitely not quite joe from you (which i haven’t watched but have heard enough about to know that this au is starting to have similar vibes) but he’s def got a creepy side to him. idk. i’m never actually going to write this, but i feel like it could make an interesting psychological horror kinda thing to go with this option 👀 feel free to use your imagination!!

#anyways hi jac!! hope this tickled your brain a little <3 making javid a little fucked up is kind of our thing at this point #yes i know fics where davey is an anxious mess are played out but hear me out on this one okay #take that cliche but make it way more fucked up and that can leave you w something fun!

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