#that it's covid or smth awful and not just
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i Know i get unreasonably afraid anytime my mom doesn't feel good but literally if something happens to her before my dad passes im gonna lose my entire mind and end up like in a committed institution and have a Bad Time Forever. i will Not be able to handle it in any sense of the word
#whiny baby post#i know i wouldn't feel so anxious if this weekend hadn't already been incredibly stressful for me#but like my mom traveling and all is just making me paranoid#that it's covid or smth awful and not just#a bit of a cold#my dad woke her up this morning (i made her go back to bed)#but her temp when she got up was a bit Too Low and it's freaking me out#that like she has hypothermia or smth even though that's very unlikely#and her skin didn't feel cold it felt normal but the thermometer is accurate bc i took My temp a bit later to make sure#idkidk im just. scared of bad things happening bc im trying to get my life back together#and over the last decade that's usually when bad things start to happen !#im jinxed !!!!#anyway ok time to just quietly freak out for the next several hours until my mom gets up
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ohhh the paranoia hitting BAD tonight
#got a twxt from work. girl i was with all day apparently tested positive for covid. so uh. now i am panicking at every small thing wrong#my throat is not sore but i keep thinking it is. my arms r sore but thats bc i do physical labor as a job.#i have a headache but like. i always have one of those#took loki outside and . its raining and dark and usuallt thats fine#but the good ol coat in someones window looks like a person standing there looking at me hit#and then cars were driving by rlly slow (bc of the rain)#and there was a car. parked in front of my apartment#just. in the road not in a space or anytbing just. in front of my door#so i liteally just. ran by w loki and locked the door real fast#and when i got inside uh. had the awful urge to turn off all lights and shut blinds and#looking @ mirrors is freakin g me out now. so thags fun#literallt took the one off fmy closet door bc i can see it from bed. ive neverdone that before there is sometning Wrong with me#head in hands.#i feel like. jonThan sims. there r eyes everywhere and it Fucking Sucks. i understand u buddy. hate this#i Do Not Like Feeling Like Im Being Watched this sucks so bad.#and usuallt its fine bc its like. a background noise thing. i can ignore it ! but smth abt tonight is just like. nope yhere r Eyes#feels BAD#im ok i promise just. jumpy hsbdjdbsjsnsbs#tw// vent#i guess. havent tagged a ventoost in a while i dont remember the format
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THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW, TOO SV5 NONNIE!!!!! Lmk how you've been too bc just the other day asw i was thinking it's been so long since i last talked to you :(
HIHI GRACIE <3
i got logged out of my account for a while so i haven’t actually been able to chat w u, even tho i wanted to :’(
i’ve travelled back to my school unfortunately, and even though my exams are up, my history and law teachers decided to just give us more tests. i’m currently studying for those, but last week i’m telling u some demon must’ve possessed me or some shit bc omd it felt like i had the worst sickness known to man. i’m somewhat better now though, but i’m behind on a lot of my school work, so i won’t be very active these next days/weeks unfortunately 😓 i’ll still check up on u tho !!
also a little f1 rant while i’m already here, it’s only 17 more days till it starts again !! i’m soosososo excited !! did u see the news about lewis going to ferrari? he’s my fav on the current grid, so I’m not really sure how i feel about it. i mean, mercedes hasn’t been treating him as well recently, and they’ve also dropped on their production and car developing. but at the same time, ferrari? nando and seb could both tell u what a horrible idea that is, lewis. i really want him to get his 8th before he retires, but i’m scared he won’t 🙁
anywho !!! what about u ?? how have you been ?? i’ve missed chatting w u, even though i read all of your posts 😁 anything interesting at school or any upcoming projects for us readers u can tell us abt? 👀
Awhhwhwhhh why'd u log out? To cheat on me w an alt or j to recentre your life? respectfully hoping it's the latter
And no litr, everyone ik is really quite sick atm so I'm hoping you get back to good health very very soon because from what I've seen this cold-covid-RAT looks absolutely awful to have. Take care of yo goofy ahh sv5 nonnie, eat your vitamins n minerals and keep healthy
And what's "it"? Like, THE f1? And is F1 like football, like yk, are there European races or is it just worldwide? And are there qualifiers + how do they decide which countries race?
Wait nvm im a fucking idiot i j realised the teams that race are car brands/teams not countries 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ Dear God I'm sorry for wasting anyone's time by making u read that, that is honestly embarrassing behaviour on my behalf.
But yeah! My mum said smth ab Hamilton being a driver for Ferarri atm (kinda flew over my head bc i dont rmbr who he drove for initially). And oh, mercedes have been neglecting him? That's good that Lewis is out and into a team that'll treat him better and help him win too.
And 8th what? 8th like, win? If so i hope that too. Well, i don't really know what I hope. All I know is that Stroll is hot and apparently looks as though he's been "freshly fucked into a mattress" (idk i posted a pic ab him and the reblogs still haunt me to this day), Seb's got a nice family and bread baking hobby, fans want to fuck Oscar, Lando and Max, and the rest are a little bit foreign to me
Isn't there a movie coming out (maybe out now tbf) about a racer that was a video game neek but got recruited by Ferrari or another big racing group? Do lmk the name + whether you've seen it + whether it's out + who it's acc based on bc it looks super super super interesting imo
And YAYAYAY nice to see you've still been watching (even if silently)
I'm doing well ty, I've decided it's time to get outta seasonal depression n kickstart loving life again.
I've got a scholar's exam coming up which is gna be hard to get so everyone manifest or pray for me pls, either works...
And in terms of projects, currently I'm doing s'more HC's (AMP eating out and another genre), ATV fluff, ATV threesome oneshot, and a Kinktober-core smut for ChrisMD!!!
Stay in touch SV5 nonnie, it's always acc bare cute talking to u
PEACE N LOVE!!!!
#WAFFLE!!#long rant myb broskis#f1#formula one#formula 1#lewis hamilton#ferrari#seb vettel#sebastian vettel#alonso#fernando alonso#stroll#lance stroll#lando norris#lando#oscar piastri#max verstappen
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oh my god . okay i havent complained abt it in a while but since december 2021 when i got covid for the first* time (*you’ll see) ive been getting dizzy/lightheaded a lot, have random coughing fits, am even more sensitive to heat (i cant breathe in hot cars Like i start choking which was already a thing bc asthma but its worse now), and have frequently almost passed out after walking around for too long or just after standing up. (idk how many times ive actually passed out bc i cant remember really but its happened at least once). at first i chalked it up to Being Out Of Exercize and then i was like wait this isnt normal. and i wasnt eating well at the time and brushed it off as that but it continued even after i started eating somewhat better (altho it was a little less bad)
anyway eventually i was like yeah i probably have long covid or smth (also have pots symptoms guessing caused by covid) but i dont have a doctor (& dont know how to get one & dont have money & dont have transportation) so i havent been officially tested for anything
but the one thing that kept me from being like yes this is definitely bc of covid is in my senior year of highschool (started in sept 2020) (a year i have very few memories from so hard to compare symptoms) i remembered always being super out of breath + dizzy + lightheaded after walking up the stairs to my classes on the second floor. like id have to stand there for a second and breathe n shit and my friend was like “thats not good u should tell ur doctor” . but yeah i was like well maybe its just asthma and im exaggerating and its always been like this
WELL. i just remembered. in february 2020 i had this really awful cold. oone of the worst id ever had. coughing my fucking lungs up, couldnt breathe well, everytthing tasted weird. it lasted abt 2 weeks. You can see where this is goingg. i literally remember my mom saying like “wouldnt it be fucked up if tbat awful cold u had a couple months ago was covid” during like may2020.
and EARLY 2020 IS WHEN MY SYMPTOMS STARTED. and they got worse for a couple months and then stayed the same and i guess i got used to it UNTIL. i got covid in dec2021.
(ID: the “newsflash asshole” meme but the guy speaking has been edited over with a stick figure wearing a mask with wide eyes. the caption reads “newsflash asshole! it’s been long covid the entire goddamn time!” end ID)
#text#IM GONNA LOSE IT .#need to add ‘first covid infection’ to my List Of Big Things I Forgot About#health tag#<- new tag just dropped bc i know im gonna forget this revelation in like a week
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41 degrees?? That’s awful, I hope you’re staying safe! Do you have anyone you can contact? Like health support (idk what you call it) or smth.
Hope this doesn’t come off as weird or something, I just want to wish you a speedy recovery! <3
yea i feel like i’ve been hit by a bus lol.
i have my health care provider on speed dial basically lol bc i suffer with long covid too so we’re keeping me in check! and my mum lives very close to me so she’s been checking in. thanks for asking, i’ll hopefully be ok. <3
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I saw your tag on the demolished buildings post and I was interested in something - I just visited Seattle for the first time (from NYC) and everything felt creepily... new. And like, polished and fancy. If that makes sense. Did that all happen recently?? I was getting a weird feeling and I couldn't pin it down.
hi omg thanks for stopping by my inbox!!! FELT. SEATTLE MY BELOVED AND DETESTED CITY. ive lived here for eight years and I experience that on the daily lmao,,,I devoted a whole year of college to unpacking my love/hate relationship w seattle (city of the future? more like city of gentrification,,, disregard and active destruction of the past...)I wiLL rb this later w links to my sources cited and recommendations when I can find all the articles and pdfs !!! I have sm feelings abt seattle thank u for giving me the chance to scream !
So as far as I know gentrification has been happening ever since amazon and all the big tech companies moved their headquarters here in 2010-ish tho covid forcing the closure of many small and local businesses has made it Even Worse. idk if u visited south lake union (which is, imo, the shiniest and most disconcerting part of seattle) but that's where Jeff bezos' balls are + the Amazon campus + Google + other tech companies I don't remember off the top of my head, but the majority of the land all these campuses are on was supposed to be a public park before jeff et all bought the land up!!! head in my hands...we could've had a giant beautiful free park instead we got the uncanny valley of shiny polished instagram aesthetic buildings...
Also. ever since tech came to seattle the historically majority black district of Seattle have seen Massive drops in the proportion of the population that is black (specifically the central district, beacon hill and south seattle) and the white population in South Seattle (historically minority-majority) has been growing faster than any of the minority populations. lmao. which is awful bc seattle used to allow discriminatory clauses in property leases (like u cannot own this property if ur black, asian, etc) and black + other minority populations had nowhere to go except south seattle! and now they're getting priced out of their own homes argh north beacon hill in recent years has been one of the Most Gentrified districts of Seattle...
also (disclaimer I don't know as much abt this) smth similar is happening w cap hill and the lgbtq+ population and already happened w them Before bc the community used to be in the pioneer square area. and had to move to cap hill! now they might have to move again :/
anyway to focus on beacon hill specifically (which I did a community research project on for one of my classes), the local light rail's opening in 2014 (beacon hill station is in north beacon hill) also seems to have contributed to rising housing prices (and subsequent gentrification as local businesses shut down).. bc now South Seattle is convenient! accessible! if u ride the link south u will see sO many new businesses and modern apartment buildings right by the stations. and in beacon hill specifically a historic Chinese restaurant was demolished so the station could be built (anD this might. haha. happen again in 2 years?? bc the city transit wants to expand the station in the international district. once again my head is in my hands).
and like I said in my tags I got to interview a local chinese american historian! his name is Ron Chew and he's awesome! go read his memoir My Unforgotten Seattle!! it talks abt the history of chinese americans in seattle and also the districts he lived in. he lives in beacon hill rn and he talked to me abt how much it's changed since his childhood... like there's sm he and his generation remembers that was never written down + won't ever be remembered if no one writes it down! for example he said his mom worked in the linen factories along w a lot of native American women and his dad worked at the docks alongside a lot of black men! things u wouldn't ever know from the history books. how the history of Seattle is sm more than the story of the Denny party. white settlers. etc.
lastly I've just been thinking. a lot. about these passages from michel de certeau's essay walking in the city:
"[In the city] there is only a pullulation of passer-by, a network of residences temporarily appropriated by pedestrian traffic, a shuffling among pretenses of the proper, a universe of rented spaces haunted by a nowhere or by dreamed-of places.
"Here, there used to be a bakery." "That's where old lady Dupuis used to live." It is striking here that the places people live in are like the presences of diverse absences. What can be seen designates what is no longer there: "you see, here there used to be..." but it can no longer be seen. Demonstratives indicate the in visible identities of the visible: it is the very definition of a place, in fact, that it is composed by these series of displacements and effects among the fragmented strata that form it and that it plays on these moving layers.
"Memories tie us to that place.... It's personal, not interesting to anyone else, but after all that's what gives a neighborhood its character." There is no place that is not haunted by many different spirits hidden there in silence, spirits one can "invoke" or not. Haunted places are the only ones people can live in-and this inverts the schema of the Panopticon. But like the gothic sculptures of kings and queens that once adorned Notre-Dame and have been buried for two centuries in the basement of a building in the rue de la Chaussée-d'Antin, these "spirits," themselves broken into pieces in like manner, do not speak any more than they see. This is a sort of knowledge that remains silent. Only hints of what is known but unrevealed are passed on "just between you and me."
Places are fragmentary and inward-turning histories, pasts that others are not allowed to read, accumulated times that can be unfolded but like stories held in reserve, remaining in an enigmatic state, symbolizations encysted in the pain or pleasure of the body."
#aNYWAY. SO MANY THOUGHTS. SO LITTLE ELOQUENCE.#hopefully i answered ur question and didnt just info dump here!!#liek i said i will rb w a heck ton of pdf and article links lmaofjdks the post was just getting Very Long and i didn't want the ask to sit#too long#but yeAah. SEATTLE. seattle. s e a t t l e
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Guys i have covid 😭 my symptoms arent super terrible but i still dont feel 100% okay and isolating hasnt been awful bc i usually just stay in my room most of the time anyways but im so fucking bored now :// and its like im not hungry most of the time but im so BORED i wanna eat just to have smth to do UGHH
#an0r3xi4#an0r3xic#an0rex1a#an0rexia#an0rexx#b0dy check#b0nesp0#b0nespo#b0nespø#i wanna be th1n#th1n$po#th1nz🎀
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my favorite person in the world is back <3 (don't tell jisung i said that....) i hope your trip was fun! i'm glad you got the time to take a break and heal. you deserve that, lovely :)
meanwhile i got sick and was later tested covid positive so ur girl white heart was DYING THESE PAST FEW DAYS 😭 im not asymptomatic either so i felt everything HDJBSAJ but dw! im ok 🥲
anyways... ill probably send you a better ask later bc i do he having thoughts! i just need to let this headache pass before i do bc the more i stare at my screen the more i feel like my eyes will pop out.... but again, i missed u! <3
(lil hint about my next ramble, its about ruined... *giggles maniacly*)
— 🤍
your favorite person?? above THE han jisung??? that is the highest possible honor from our local hannielover what did i do to deserve this 😭💞 don’t worry your secret is safe w me hehe
thank you so much for the kind words angel! i missed you and your delicious ramblings very much <3 i’m so sorry to hear you’ve been sick though that sounds like an awful time ㅠㅠ i hope you’re feeling better now, please rest up and take care of yourself!!
i can see that you’ve cooked up smth delicious for us in your other ask i can’t wait to read what my fave libra has in store 🍽
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"Oh I sleep until x to watch that one stream and then immediately sleep after to fix schedule" it is now 7am I am still in distracting pain since yesterday I want to combust I hate everything please universe let me at least sleep. i got smth tomorrow and later today a call w my ex bff to maybe go along again please let it be gone by then. It makes me lose it not knowing if usual or covid since 2020 before that was it just "oh body hates me again got it" (which still not great but better). Anyways neck thing prob own fault everything else idk. I just guess sleep brain off is hard bc "productivity! smth anything should be done before!" but like focus hard even just icons let alone drawing or whatever let's not fall back to old habits n just relax n sleep please brain. asmr vids usually help but it feels awful if I can watch multiple completely through I should be sleeping by then. I was able to sleep well n easier why is it so hard again,,,,
#a wild lux appears#free me from pain I hate being sweaty it's sensory so yuck and the headache gah#also other stuff but I rly need to focus rn on not hurting neck further bc awful posture which I automatically do on phone#will fill my queue once better#Anyways I'm sorry but I fucking despise being sweaty even just to some degree I feel the need to shower immediately#ik why it happens so I go w it but man. At least rn shows that drinking doesn't change the usual bc the usual is barely if at all#no matter what. which i in gen love but makes summer a genuine health hazard for me#anyways will get more to drink and hope I will sleep soon for a bit at least#someone please somehow put a spell on me to be unable to get into awful positions anymore neck pain is horrendous to have#won't fix the rest but at least that and would be future pain prevention#gon finally zip it now anyone seeing this pls hope I wake up less awful. pain misery etc etc.#luna bloom asmr save me. save me luna bloom. please let the asmr vids finally kick in for me
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oh yeah did a stress echocardiogram yesterday. awful. I’m very unfit so my thighs started hurting and on top of that I was so fucking out of breath I felt like I was gonna die. being told to hold my breath, both on breathing in and out, was so fucking difficult wow. don’t know if that’s my heart or me being unfit lol. little bit of both probably bc yesterday was the first time I’ve stepped foot on a running treadmill lmfaooooo. anyways homie said there’s no arrhythmia or anything weird or out of place, but “most people your age usually last longer on the treadmill” sorry doc I’m just unfit for my age lmfao. bad knees meant less exercise of any kind and high meant weakened muscles over time and here I am. peak image of fitness or lack thereof lol.
got sent home with a holster monitor, so far I’ve been just fine have had no issues whatsoever. it’s a little bit to get used to having cords and shit attached to you for a full 24 hours and am yet to sleep with the bastard yet but we’ll find out how that goes. my little symptoms page is empty and will be of absolutely no help in this regard. client consent form said if this gets damaged or broken, repairs or replacement can cost up to $1,200 :). so that’s scary. definitely makes you treat the bastard like glass lol. wore clothes that very easily come off up the top, like a jumpsuit but the top is loose, float fabric too so it has ease of movement and also the monitor could sit in the breast area of the thing lol
have an appointment with cardiologist next week after this to go over results to decide what to do after this OH I DIDNT MENTION IT BUT!!!! a bit of a breakthrough was that we think it’s either my antidepressants that sped up my heart rate, or a long covid symptom from my first infection which was somewhere around the same time as my change of antidepressants unfortunately lol so they both line up with each other, but narrowing it down like that makes life easier. but yeah after the first bout I realised this heart rate thing had been a reoccurring issue for a while now prior to the incident this year so! we’re making very slow progress. what the uhhhh procedures will be for the future?? who knows. maybe just take heart tablet for the rest of my life or smth I guess if it’s a covid thing. if it’s not, then change my antidepressants and see if that fixes it. guessing game atm but it’s with two answers!!
#making some kind of progress#do you think my doctor or the psychiatrist the prescribed me these antidepressants#ever told me a side effect could be this. do you think anyone warned me about any side effects at all#the answer is always a resounding no#ooc
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Aww :((
Half of my family suffered and suffers from awful long covid so this one kinda hits hard xd
Ope :O
SHAUN you can't just barge in like that xD
Let the man liiive
Idk I mean I guess you could just do the test it's not like a big hardship or anything but I do think Shaun's overreacting a bit xd
Uh oh
I mean you both deserve a life
But ultimately it is her choice
Girl you're allowed to feel bad about having to stay
Like she can make her own choice but do let her know how you feel
UH OH O.O She's having a seizure
Awww :'((( I'm so sorry girl :'( it sucks
But that means they need something else 😬
(forgot to put this earlier lol, I'm a few minutes behind)
Ope still busy xd
Uhh ohhh
Thiiis is gonna be difficult guys, with you being in charge lol
Less because of favoritism or anything more bc she's gonna have frustrations
I do hope they manage to work it out though :(
XD Asher lol
SKFKGHDHDJLDS L I M
Ahh "What Would Shaun Murphy Do" XD
Didn't know what it was but I figured he was more talking about like a break or smth xD
Ahh he's pulling a Claire :D
Like back when Shaun was unconscious in season 2 I think it was :))
SLFKGJKDHLS nope you can't focus enough XDD
ASHERRR YOU'RE TOO GAY FOR THISSS
XD well he tried lol
Ohhh yeah that might work :o
Doesn't sound like a great choice but it's what we've got xd
Hey guysss :DD
Aww no one else is here yet xdd I think they're stuck on cases
Yuuup xdd
Awww, I'm sorry :(( <3
But hey y'all can have fun :D
Shaun noo XDD
Dang 11 months ago already 😬 those were some times alright xD
Aww Lim 😭😭❤️❤️
I mean yeah though you have to think about stuff
It sucks having to do that though :((
Aww y'all xdd
Bye y'all lol
Oop more advice from Jordan?
Aww Kalu :((
He's trying xd
:O Oh no she ain't doing well
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random question but i was thinking about lexa’s iconic makeup and god it annoys me to freaking hell that the makeup department had no idea how to recreate the war paint. like either they had different artists doing that every time or smth because you can clearly tell the difference from S2 to S3. not that we saw it that much in S3, but i think it was still pretty good in 3x04 during lexa and roan’s fight. in S3 finale tho ahhhh what was that?? it was too dark?? and don’t let me start with S7 finale when she came back lol what on earth was that makeup? It was so different and literally made her look like someone else. In 4 years they completely forgot how her war paint ACTUALLY looked 💀 at first i thought they purposely wanted to make god!lexa look older, and i kinda still stand with that bc adc didn’t look mature AT ALL in feb/march 2020, we saw her taking pics and selfies until like 2021 and she still had her baby face so it’s almost like they wanted god!lexa to look mature/older to emphasize she was a goddess. Either that or as i said, they just tried to copy the makeup and faaaailed. it wasn’t even that much of time that had passed, 4 years is not that much. they were lazy. and same thing happened with her hair, idk if you noticed but it was braided differently, it was thicker. again, they put the minimum effort. thank god adc saved it all with her performance.
Consistency was never their forte, Lexa's arm tattoo has a whole new section added from season 2 to season 3, i think at some point they mess up which one of Raven's legs is injured and Emori's tattoo that before was massive shrinks with time. This is like, basic shit that the characters carry consistently with them because when it comes to the war paint you can somewhat excuse that well, Lexa is not gonna be able to repeat the same war paint opacity and format every damn time she needs to use it.
I do agree the war paint has scenes when it looks great and other times is looks just awful like they did it in a hurry. I hate the way it looks in s2 when Lexa and Clarke are informing the army of what is going to happen at mount weather and at the s3 finale too.
I do disagree that Alycia looked older because of the make up. In 2019/2020 Alycia was already looking much more grown up than she was when she was playing Lexa, I think just looking at selfies its harder to tell but when you put someone back in a characters costume she hasnt tried since she was 22 being 26 theres gonna be a difference, Alycia didnt look anything like the baby faced Lexa we saw first on the screen. I do think it was probably a rushed job because they probably only had for a couple of days and things were closing down due to covid.
The show already has so many sins, might as well include hair and makeup (and wardrobe, i have so many fights to pick with the damn wardrobe on this show).
#letter opened#the other day i started a bowrd on pinterest with references to lexa and clarkes make up and hair and iconic outfits so i could draw them#better because if you sre just gonna look at one picture#itll look entirely different from the next
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<beware, self reflection post incoming>
So. This year has been a tough one.
Feels like it has been tougher than all of those before, ngl, but it's hard to tell how much of it is skeved memory and how much just how strong those feelings are today. But it has been an awful year -- the first half was kind of alright, but the second? Yeah, everything went downhill there.
I slid into one of the worst depression holes ever. I quit my job two months ago, because it has been contributing strongly to that, but remained unemployed and stressed out of my mind because of that and feeling completely listless since. Unmoored. With no purpose whatsoever. It's... not a good place to be. On top of that, I got real sick with covid this week and barely started feeling somewhat better today. Guess it's a suficiently shitty end to an awful year, huh? What hurts, too, is the heart breaking writer's block I got in that second half of the year too.
I wrote barely anything this year, posted even less. Got very disconnected from that part of myself that carried me through the rough times of the previous years -- and maybe that's why it feels worse than ever now, when I had at least that joy back then but it feels like it's been taken from me. It's... rough.
I've always been in the middle of something before too. Always going back to classes, to uni, got a job last year, but now? Well...
I did start taking steps to crawl back to life. Trying to at least. Baby steps.
So, I wanna make a list of those baby steps. The ones Ive already started taking, the ones Im gonna soon, the ones I wanna try to make. Make a path out of them, maybe. So:
Im back to therapy, that's good. Working through new and old stuff, it's definitely helping, but... there's a lot more to work through than I imagined. It's okay, though. I can already tell some of it helped, it's been a good helping hand in digging myself out of this hole - or at least starting to dig myself out.
Im also starting an internship at the job office on monday (hopefully most of my symptoms are gonna be gone by then 🤞). It's a 6 months one, not as well paid as a full job, of course, but it's experience, it's a start, and I can always search for smth different in the meantime. And it's stability a dearly need.
I want to go back to studying too. I found I miss it a lot, having that goal, broadening my mind, etc. I wanna sign for some post-diploma library studies classes in the city where I intern, near where I live. It might not open up, but if it doesn’t, I think I'll try going back for actual Masters. It's something Im actually sort of looking forward too, even if it makes me a lil' anxious.
Been idly thinking about maybe going back to the city. Trying to live on my own again. Study, find a job to pay for it. Might not be quite possible, though, with prices of pretty much everything going up to 3x what they were and still going up. It's an idea for the later part of the year, though, if Id actually try going for it.
Maybe the most obvious one -- I want to write again. And post, too. I miss interacting with readers. Seeing that someone Gets it. That it brings people joy. I miss it a lot. These last months, even if I managed to write a little, I didn't even had the drive to post. No drive for anything, really. Feels like death to a creative soul 😔 So I want to write. And I want to share it. Im still thinking of my Beauty and the Beast Voiles AU -- I have a couple chapters of it done, maybe I could start posting and see where it goes, even if I dont manage to finish it? Then I got obsessed with VegasPete, an amazing ship I recommend to all that like Voiles or just enemies to lovers! I even managed to write some lil bits of them, some I Could post even, but I can’t get myself to... maybe it's a goal for the near future. To break through that block and engage with new fandom beyond just reading and commenting, but trying to contribute some of my own. It's scary, but it might do me good? It'd be nice..
I want to try and do more typesetting this year too, and properly, since Ive been thinking I could maybe do it part time in the future, do a project here and there, but for that I'd have to polish up my skills. Maybe do some smaller projects, that wont take me months to finish like the fics I did lately.
Have my eyes peeled for opportunities and have the courage to reach for them. I want to do library studies and Id love to work in a library one day, but its hard to get into one, so I gotta have my eyes open for any possibility. Or working in a book store, Id love that too. Anything with books, tbh. So, be on the look out. And work on having the courage to reach for it and battling down my anxiety.
Go out and meet with friends I haven't seen in a long time. I think Ive isolated myself a bit too much this year and it definitely hasn’t helped. So I need to try more to get out of the easy, lazy way and go out to meet people.
And that's it, for now, I think. Goals for the new year? Maybe, but being in the place I am, baby steps feel better. Im sure Im not the only one that had an awful year and if you're reading this, feeling the same, I see you. Can’t promise it's gonna get better, but we gotta have hope and try taking those baby steps towards making it better. So, Im not gonna go into elaborate wishes, Im just gonna be simple.
I wish you all good health, because it's so important and yet we don’t appreciate it enough, and also wish all of us courage, especially those struggling. To reach for what we want. To reach for what we fear. To get out of our comfort zones, one baby step at a time. To put ourselves out there. To win over our anxieties. To live.
Im slowly, very slowly, trying to take those baby steps. To crawl back to life. It's hard. And slow. But I hope it's gonna be worth it. It's gotta be better than the misery of last months. So, that's what I hope for in the next year. Taking the baby steps to a better future.
Happy New Year, everyone, and I hope y'all have a lovely last day of 2022 💗
#personal#Raksh posts#encouragement#I think there’s some here#but this is a very personal post#self reflection#baby steps#note to self#putting it all in writing in hopes it'll help me follow them or somethinf#Im still feeling quite sick and the worst is I have no appetite and everything sticks inside my mouth#so Im probably not eating that well and that's not helping 😔#but Im trying what I can get myself to swallow and hopefully that'll be enough#Im also thinking of maybe trying to post that one patt of the fic I managed to write down a couple months ago?#I meant to only do it when I finish the second part but since Im stuck in this limbo maybe it'd actually help?#its scary and it might actually not gain any reaction and maybe today its not a good day for it but#maybe for me it would be#to finish the year on at least one happier note in this depressing day#Ive been thinking smth similar for weeks with posting that one part and didnt find it in myself#but maybe I should push and try and it'd be nice...#this post is probably full of typos too but I have no energy to reread it too closely sorry#its mostly for myself anyway#but if any of you read all the way through to here -- thank you 💗 and I wish you all the best for the new year 💗💗
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yuma kagiyama <3
#jules talks#beijing 2022#figure skating#AW THE CROWD CLAPPING#see thats what sucks about covid and figure skating#damn he jumps perpendicular to the ground and DEEP in that knee holy shit#i love his style and i love big band jazz so this is just such a great combo for me to watch#UGH hes so good w that knee#oh one's marked yellow did he underrotate or smth?#oh i would pay money to watch him tapdance#YESYESYES#SO PROUD OF YOU
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I’ve never felt my throat do this before what in fucks name
#don’t worry it’s not covid I just caught smth from my roommate. not even the one I share my room with. the fuckin suite#suitemate*#woke up in mild but awful pain in my throat because *smth* is swollen (lymph nodes she said?) and it hurt#and now only my hot chocolate is keeping it at bay#rambles
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#hello hello <3 im sorry to only come on here to vent ahh idk what it is#but let me do an update first dhsjdjd so i got a job!! yayy and ive been doing that for 3 weeks now#and im basically hired by a call center and then people call us to make vaccination appointments when they've received an official letter#to do so. so it's been interesting and good and it feels useful#but sometimes the system fucks up or i can't plan people in and they get angry or they have these really tragic stories and yeah.#also hearing about covid the entire day is A Lot ive requested a covid discussions ban at dinner bc No.#also getting used to a new job is ofc really really tiring so im just trying to take it day by day and all#ive worked every day this week and i have to work in a bit again too and yeah#as for the venting bit ahh i feel bad about that now but i need to let it out somewhere but first of all i dreamed i was dy*ng which#in the dream was part relieving part awful so that's. well. and then my teeth started falling out again i dream that so often#it's my braces past maybe mgmfmf#anyways what i really wanna say is i just went by to look at my cat and she's so so thin and frail and she's constantly sleeping#and ive been withdrawing from her for a while now i think + im often too tired or smth to go find her which is stupid and i hate#but yeah. she looks bad and i hate it i hate it and i don't even know what to feel. she's old and that's wonderful y'know but fucking hell#so yeah#bit sad today i don't know. bit sad this week i guess#nothing i can't manage but you get it#that all said how are you all? i miss you i wanna know
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