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thisisjustmefangirling · 3 years

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I have just finished watching the first episode of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier and I really liked it. It takes the time to establish things, to let Sam do his thing, have action and also be with his family. We really see Bucky in his daily life, trying to adapt, trying to make amends, trying to connect to people. Hell, he got a date when Steve never could. But he’s also so lonely. We really see the fallbacks from “Steve” ’s decision to go live in the past and... It made me so sad and so freaking angry. Steve abandoned Bucky. It’s pure and simple.

I might ship Stucky, but it doesn’t mean I don’t value friendship. Actually, friendship is one of the most important things for me. Steve and Bucky were childhood friends, then brother of arms. Steve planned to walk from Italy to Austria, with almost no training except basics, no bulletproof gear, no real shield, no real helmet, on the off chance that Bucky would still be alive and could be saved. Steve went from “I don’t want to kill anyone” to “I won’t stop until all of Hydra is dead or captured” when Bucky fell from that cliff. He mourned him. He crashed the Valkyrie while still being inside when Peggy was right there asking for his coordinates and he could have jumped. Steve was clearly suicidal, not trying to survive. He could have tried to have this life with Peggy after the war, and he didn’t try. He chose death. When he was defrosted, he couldn’t move on. He still acted recklessly, with little regard for his own safety. He couldn’t follow Natasha’s suggestions to find someone to date. He tried a bit with Sharon in Captain America : the Winter Soldier, but the deleted scenes and that kiss with her felt very forced and awkward and I died from second-hand embarrassment. He grieved Bucky until the Winter Soldier’s mask came off and Steve recognised him. Sam told him “He’s not the kind you save, he’s the kind you stop”. But Steve never gave up on Bucky. He fought him on the helicarrier, but always tried to bring him back, and never tried to kill him. He believed Bucky could return to him. He believed Bucky could recognise him, get his mind back, get his life back, be freed from Hydra and be with him again. Steve was defrosted in 2011. He spent three years in the present, without Bucky. After being saved from drowning in the Potomac, he looked for Bucky for more than two years. Then Civil war happened and Steve still believed in Bucky, he fought for Bucky. Steve lost half of the family the Avengers were, he opposed and fought half of his friends FOR BUCKY. He brought Bucky to Wakanda and they were surely happy there. Then there was the snap and Bucky was gone for five years (and Sam too !!!!) and Steve told everyone to move on but he couldn’t. Though he had evidently moved on from Peggy’s death. She had been dead and buried for years before Thanos appeared.

And you want me to believe that Steve, who loves Bucky so much he did everything I wrote above, is going to go back in the past, fuck up a timeline or two, to marry someone who had had a full and happy life, with a husband and children, an amazing woman who had the time and strength to grieve Steve and move on from him ? That he is going to marry a woman literally living in the past ? A woman he saw in her last years and he buried ?

When Bucky has just returned, HE IS RIGHT THERE ? Bucky, unlike Peggy, didn’t get to live his life. He was brainwashed, tortured, turned into a killing machine. Bucky was given a second chance. Bucky can live the life he never got. Steve can be with someone he has deep affection for, someone with shared life experience, he can be with his best friend from childhood. The writers wanted to keep it heterosexual ? FINE. (No). Steve could have perfectly returned to the present and found someone new to date. He would have been with his friends. He would have been with Wanda, with Sam, with Bucky. But that’s not the choice the writers made.

They made Steve abandon Bucky, his childhood friend, (one of) the person(s) he loves the most in the world, someone who was essential to his development as a human being but also as Captain America.

I saw Bucky waking up from his nightmares, alone in a flat. There was no one there to comfort him. The entire time Bucky has scenes, I imagined how different it would be if Steve had been there. They would have been flatmates in Brooklyn. There would have been a bed, the appartment would have been decorated. There would have been pancakes on the kitchen counter. Steve could have helped Bucky. But no. Bucky is lonely. Trying to recover on his own. His therapist said she’s the only person he called in a week. You think he made a real friend but he’s trying to make amends because he killed his son. Guilt is eating him. He hasn’t replied to Sam (and I am so glad Sam is trying to take care of Bucky, at least check on him, since they were both Steve’s friends).

Steve abandoned Bucky. Bucky is lonely. And I am angry.

Friendship is so important. I met my best friend when I was 12. We became good friends when we were 14. We’re 26 now, going on 27. The age these two were when they went to war. If my best friend died, I would be devastated. If she abandoned me, I would be devastated and FURIOUS, I would be so angry at her.

I can’t imagine how Bucky feels about Steve leaving him alone in this new and surprising world, to fight off his own demons and nightmares. They said “til the end of the line”. Well mayyyyybe toxic masculinity and heteronormativity created the end of the line and ended the relationship for us.

Friendship is a kind of love. Amour. Amitié. I say “I love you” to my friends. In french, in english.

They made Steve abandon his friends, abandon Bucky, I am NEVER getting over it, and while I loved this episode, Steve’s absence is so obvious and heartbreaking. WHAT KIND OF DOUCHEBAG DOES THAT TO THE PEOPLE HE LOVES ?

We’ve all read the fanfics, since 2014. We know what it could have been like. Even without the queerness. But we’re not getting it on screen.

So, thank you, fanfiction writers. You are doing an amazing, necessary job. We love you. We are grateful for you. Every word you write is a gift.

#tfatws #spoilers #tfatws episode 1 spoilers #anti endgame #tfatws commentary #my opinion #steve rogers #bucky barnes #sam wilson #thank you fanfic writers #Bucky is alive and in the present #Bucky could have been and should have been Steve's future #gay or not #bi or not #Bucky is alone #oh look I wrote an entire rant #stucky

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lucisfavoritedemon · 3 years

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Waiting For Forever Chapter 7

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Summary: You met Bucky for a brief second at Stark Expo back in 1943. Little did you know you would run into him again as you assist Peggy Carter with Captain America. There was just something about the sadness in Bucky’s eyes that night that captured your soul, and he was all you could think about. You have a secret though. You aren’t exactly who he thinks you are.

Warnings: slight stalking (only for concern), mentions of hopelessness, fluff, angst, bucky as a dad (yes, it’s a warning)

Word Count: 5666

A/N: This is my thoughts on what happens to reader During The Falcon and The Winter Soldier: Episode One (roughly). It is not 100% accurate, but I wanted to put a little twist to it. This gives you a glimpse at how the reader and Bucky are doing up to this point. It is kind of a long one, but there was a lot of detail I wanted to add. All mistakes are mine. TFATWS SPOILERS!!!!!

Enjoy!

It had been 6 months since everyone had returned after the blip. Everything had seemed to go back to normal. Except it wasn’t really normal. Everyone had seemed to have gone crazy, whether trying to find jobs, or get money from banks to save their homes. It all seemed so crazy. It was especially crazy for Bucky and I. We were trying to balance our personal life and issues, and our family life.

Bucky had become a free man, but he had been ordered by the court to go to these mandated therapy sessions once a week. Every Wednesday he would go to therapy, have lunch afterwards in the city, and come home. It had been a routine that him and I were used to, but something seemed off about him after the first month. He stopped coming home, and instead started staying at an apartment he rented. He slowly cut off contact with me and Jamie, and that really worried me.

“You have reached the voicemail of, James Barnes, after the tone please record your message. Once you have finished recording you can hang up and try again.” *Beep*

“Bucky, I don’t know what is going on, but I need you. Whatever is going on we can figure this out. Please call me back. I just want to know you’re still alive. I love you.” I hang up, holding my head in my hands.

“Mommy? Are you okay?” Our son, Jamie, walked into the kitchen.

“Yeah,” she put on a fake smile, “come on let’s get you to school.”

“Why can’t I be homeschooled?”

“Because I cannot worry about giving you a proper education while I’m also trying to hunt down you father.”

“Is he going to come back?”

“He better come back.”

Jamie giggles and walks outside getting in the car. I buckle him up and take him to school. I couldn’t help but worry about Bucky and whether or not he was okay. Not long after I was on the road, my phone began to ring. I didn’t even check it; I just answered.

“James Buchanan Barnes you better have a good explanation for this.”

“Hey Y/n.” Sadly it was not who I hoped it was.

“Sorry Sam. I thought you were Buck.”

“Can’t reach him either?”

“Nope. Haven’t heard from him in over a month. This is really scaring me. I just got him back, and he’s gone and disappeared again.”

“I know how worried you are, and I know you’re beating yourself up about this, but this is not your fault.”

“I just want to know that he is okay.”

“Maybe figure out where his therapy sessions are. Leave Jamie with his sitter for a few days and find him. The court knows you’re his partner. They may tell you, and you can find him.”

“Yeah. I’ll give his sitter a call when I drop him off. Thank you Sam. It feels really good to hear a familiar voice.”

“Anytime. I gotta go. I’ll text you and see how things go, okay?”

“Talk to you later.” I hungs up and got Jamie to school.

3rd Person POV:

Bucky had just finished up his therapy session and was heading to meet the man he always had lunch with. He saw him arguing with someone in an alley. He directed him away and took him to their usual place. They sat and talked, then the older man started talking to the woman behind the sushi bar.

“When are you free next?” The older man asked.

“No, that’s okay. She probably doesn’t want to.” Bucky attempted to stop him.

“How about tonight after we close?”

“He’ll be here.” The older man smiled.

Bucky gave an uncomfortable smile and kept eating. The older man started to talk about his son. Bucky grew even more uncomfortable, and was filled with sadness. He didn’t know what to say. He knew that this man’s son had been a victim when he was the Winter Soldier.

Reader’s POV:

I walked into the police station, and walked up to the front desk.

“How can I help you today ma’am?”

“I need to speak to the chief of police. I am trying to find my husband.”

“May I ask for your name?”

“No need. I know who she is. Y/n how can I help you?’

“I need to find James Barnes.”

“He hasn’t been home in months. He hasn’t called me, texted me, anything in over a month, and I want to know if he is okay.”

“Let me check records.” He walked behind the front desk to the computer and looked up something, “he hasn’t missed a therapy session. I would assume that means something to you.”

“Where is he going to therapy?”

“I can’t say that.”

“Really? After all the good I’ve done for your station you're going to deny me the right to find my husband?”

“Okay, okay. Calm down. I’ll give you the address, but you may not find him today. His session should be over by now.”

“Thank you. I can figure it out from here.”

I walked out and started heading towards the building where he goes for therapy. I walked in and headed up to the floor she was on.

“How can I help you today?”

“I have a note from the chief of police in the city to get any information of the whereabouts of my husband.”

“Do you have an appointment?”

“Can I make one?”

“We don’t have any openings today. I’m sorry.”

“Just have her call me. Tell her I’m looking for James Barnes.”

I walked out and headed down to find a place to grab some food. I made my way to a little sushi place and sat down at the sushi bar.

“What can I get started for you?”

“Just an order of today’s special please.”

“Of course.”

She starts preparing my food, as I play with my locket. I really missed him, and I just wanted him home.

“Here you are.”

“Thanks.”

“That’s a pretty necklace.”

“Thanks. My best friend gave it to me. He thought it would help me move on from my boyfriend. Then he came back into my life, he disappeared again, showed back up. We then were separated for a short time till he got his thoughts straightened out, then he vanished when half the population did, and when I thought he was finally back, he goes and disappears on me again.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I probably shouldn’t just dump that on you. With little explanation that is.”

“I like listening to people. It’s the highlight of my job.”

“Well my search has landed me here in the city. I’m not just trying to find him for me, but for our son. When he came back, he seemed so excited to be a dad. But now that he has disappeared again, I’m starting to wonder if he even wants to be a father, or if he even wants to be with me.”

“Things may seem rough now, but keep staying strong. Things will work out the way they are meant to. I promise.”

“Thanks.” I sit there and eat my food. I’ve learned that I like to listen to people’s thoughts. It was a good way to pass the time, especially when I sat at places alone.

I decided to read my waitress’ mind just to see what she was thinking. I felt that she was nervous and excited. She had been asked out on a date tonight. I smiled, but that was till I looked further into her mind. The man who was going on a date with her tonight was someone who made themselves a regular over the last several months.

“So, a date tonight huh?”

“How did you?”

“I’m good at reading people.”

“You really are. Yeah, just a simple date. Nothing special.”

“He must be if you’re as nervous as you are.”

“He’s just some guy I barely know who comes in once a week.”

“Same day, same time, every week?”

“Yeah. He comes in with an older man named Mr. Nakasima. I think it’s nice of him to give him company.”

“Yeah. That is sweet.”

“Especially since Mr. Nakasima is still grieving over his son.”

“That’s terrible, but so sweet of this guy to take the time to spend his afternoon once a week to give this man some company.”

“I think that’s why I’m drawn to him. He just seems really nice and sweet.”

I finish up and pay my bill. I leave her a decent tip, and walk out to go to the local library. I walk in and begin to research anyone with the last name Nakasima. I eventually found something after browsing through S.H.I.E.L.D. archives. He was on a trip with friends when he was murdered.

After reading the report, I knew exactly who the man was that was taking Mr. Nakasima to lunch every week. I should have known. I pull up traffic cams and see if I can pinpoint Bucky’s exact location. I find him entering an apartment building.

It was dark out now, and I headed towards the direction of Bucky’s supposed apartment. I walk by the sushi place, and glance in the window. I see that Bucky was already there. My heartbroke. I had the answer as to why he was gone. I still wanted to talk to him about whether this was it for us. I read his mind quickly to figure out his apartment number. I sneak up via the fire escape and open his window.

I know it’s creepy and stalker like, but I knew what I had to do, and this was it. I sat and waited for him. I looked on the floor and noticed blankets on the floor, and a pillow. I assumed he was sleeping on the floor at that point. I heard the door open and I hid. He didn’t suspect a thing till my phone started to buzz.

“Who’s there?”

I quickly hung up, and waited till he walked by before sending a gust of wind to knock him against the wall.

“What the hell!?” He turns, pulling a knife out ready to strike.

“Bucky, it’s me.”

“Y/n? How did you find me?”

“Don’t play koi. You know if anyone was going to find you, it would be me.”

“Fair point.” He puts the knife back in the shealth.

“How was your date?”

“I really hate when you do that.”

“Do what?”

“Read my mind.”

“Not your mind I read. I didn’t read anyone’s mind. Your lovely date talked to me while I had lunch. She told me how the guy she was going on a date with was keeping an older man company. I dug into this old man’s story, and she told me he had a son. She didn’t say anything more. I went to the library to dig up some information, and finally put everything together.”

“Look it’s not what it looks like.”

“Funny because if it wasn’t you wouldn’t be ignoring my messages, or my phone calls. Jamie misses you, and thinks that he’s a disappointment to you.”

“What?” His face turns from angry to sad.

“Yeah. I’ve been beating myself up too. Wondering what I did to push you away when all I’ve ever wanted was us to be a family.”

“It’s not like that at all. Look, my therapist has me making this list of people to right all the wrongs I’ve done. I couldn’t drag you two into this mess. Especially Jamie. I know you have tried your best to paint me in the best light possible with him, and I’m not about to ruin that.”

“Bucky, no matter what, I’m staying by your side. As long as it takes, I will never stop trying to find you.”

“You should. You should stop trying to find me.”

“After all we’ve been through that’s it?”

“What?”

“Okay, okay. Just calm down.”

“Bucky, I’m with you to the end. No matter what. You and Jamie are my life, my world. I won’t give up that easily.”

He smiles, “I’m glad. I really could use someone in my corner right now.”

“You have people in your corner Buck. Me, Jamie, Sam.”

“I know. You’re telling me things my therapist tells me. About Sam anyways.”

“So why? Why have you seemingly cut me out of your life? If you wanted me in your corner, you wouldn’t have cut me out.”

“I’m sorry, but I felt like I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting you and him from what I was. I don’t want Jamie to be scared of me. I couldn’t live with myself if he got scared of me, or found out the real me.”

“I would explain to him that you had been through a lot and that not so nice people took you and did things to you to make you a villain, but that the man who was his father was not that man. He is good, and kind, and gentle. That he loves him very very much.”

“You really do know what to say to cheer me up.”

“I just don’t want to see you sad.”

“With you I could never be sad.”

I smile at him, and hug him tightly, “just know, you run away again, I will hurt you Barnes.”

“Also, since when have you started to go by James?”

“That’s fair.”

“So where is Jamie?”

“With his babysitter.”

“I know we talked about having a house in the countryside, but I think that Brooklyn is where I am meant to be.”

“Are you saying you want us to move into this apartment?”

“We can still keep the house, but maybe it might be best.”

“But Jamie is in school now, and I’m not pulling him from school.”

“We don’t have to.”

“I guess. Look, we can talk about this in the morning. It’s been a long, emotional day.”

“I agree. I don’t have a bed set up. You can take the couch though if you want.”

“I don’t care about that. I just want to be with you Buck.”

He nods and sets up room for me on the floor. We get settled in and I curl up into his chest. He seemed a little hesitant, and I worried that maybe he really didn’t want us around anymore. He looked at me with concern, probably seeing that I looked worried.

“Everything okay?”

“Are you scared of hurting me, or is there something else going on?”

“I’m worried I’ll hurt you. I have been having more and more nightmares.”

“I want to help you Buck. I don’t care if I get hurt, I just want to help you.”

“You may not care, but I do. You’re the last person I want to hurt. You and Jamie.”

“Don’t push me away please. I can’t keep losing you. I’m afraid that one day I won’t be able to get you back again.”

He nods and pulls me close. I kiss him before snuggling into his chest. It felt nice to listen to the beating of his heart again. I slowly fall asleep enjoying being held in his arms again.

I woke early the next morning and ran out to get us some breakfast. I walked back in to see Bucky staring out the window. I slowly close the door so I don’t disturb him. I set our food down and sit on the couch. I noticed he hasn’t heard me yet, so get up and walk over to him, snaking my arms around his waist.

“You weren’t a dream.”

“No Buck. I’m real.”

He turns and hugs me tightly. I smile nuzzling my head under his chin. “I missed this.”

“Me too.”

“I brought breakfast if you’re hungry.”

“You are amazing.” He looks down at me and kisses me softly before walking over to grab his food.

“Want me to call the sitter and have her bring Jamie here after school?”

“Please?” He gives me puppy dog eyes, and my heart melts.

I message the sitter and she says she will bring him right over when he gets out. Bucky and I just enjoyed our time together. We went shopping for some comforters and bed sheets. I bought us a couple pillows.

“You didn’t have to buy everything.”

“You can buy lunch for us.”

He chuckles, “that’s a fair deal to me.”

I giggle, and go and grab some lunch at a little cafe. We just sat and talked, but I could tell Bucky was thinking about something else. “You okay?”

“Just thinking. I wanted to tell him about what happened to his son. That I was the man who killed him because I was ordered to leave no witnesses.”

“Buck, that wasn’t you. I know that wasn’t you.”

“It was, though. I remember everyone I ever hurt. Including you.”

“That was an accident. You were still struggling.”

“Doesn’t matter. I made you burn yourself, and I bruised your ankles. I choked you and threw you down an elevator shaft.”

“You were under the control of Zemo when that happened, and you were still recovering from what HYDRA did to you.”

“Doesn’t change what I did. You can’t keep defending me.”

“I WILL keep defending you.”

“Because I know the real you.”

“The real me, the one from the 1940s, isn’t the me I am now.”

“I’m looking at him right now. I see him when he is playing games with Jamie. I see him when we lay in bed at night. I know he is still in there. I know because it’s him talking right now.”

“Y/n, I’m not the man you paint me to be. Sometimes I wonder if you’re protecting Jamie, or yourself.”

“Really Bucky? You’re going to ask me that after I know your history? I believe you are a good person.”

“Why do you think I’m a good person!?”

“Because Steve believed you were!” We both just stood in silence, “I believe you’re a good person because I know you are one. I’ve seen first hand that you can be. Steve had full faith in you. The night we went to save you, he wanted nothing more than to make sure you came back. That was his mission. You were his mission. The other men he saved were a bonus, but he went in that base to save you. Minute he got word half your infantry were captured, he asked about you. Didn’t ask the probability of them all being alive, he asked about you.”

“I thought he was just doing what he was told. That he didn’t know I was there.”

“No. Thing is, he wasn’t supposed to be there at all. He was supposed to continue his war tour, or whatever. When Peggy told him about the fact that half the 107th’s men were captured, he got up and bolted to the colonel. He wanted to find you, and make sure you were okay. When the colonel said your name sounded familiar, Steve feared the worst.”

“So, you were with Steve, or did he just tell you this?”

“I was there. I saw it all unfold. I knew how much you meant to him. I know how much he meant to you too.”

“Yeah. He was always there for me. The one person I could count on when we were growing up.”

“It must have been nice to have someone like that. I never really had someone like that till I met you and Steve. I grew up in isolation due to my powers.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You were the only thing in this world that I felt loved me for who I was and didn’t just want me for my powers.”

“I do love you for you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You and Jamie both.”

“Then please don’t push us away anymore. I need you more than you think. I don’t want to do this alone anymore if I don’t have to.”

“I’m sorry. I promise. I’ll stop pushing you two away.”

At that moment there is a knock on the door. I go and open it, and Jamie comes running in, heading straight for Bucky.

“Daddy!” He runs and hugs him.

“Hey bud.”

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

“Are you gonna come home?”

“I was actually going to ask you and your mom if you wanted to move in with me?”

“Really!?” Jamie smiles wide, then turns to me, “can we mommy? Can we?”

“Of course darling.”

“Yay! We get to live with daddy!”

I smile, “yes, yes we do. Now go help Miranda bring your stuff up.”

“Okay mommy.”

As Bucky and I watched and listened, we both had wished that we were dreaming. The world in need of a new hero? The world has the Avengers. What other hero did it need? My answer was soon made shockingly clear.

“Let me introduce to you your new Captain America.”

I covered my mouth in shock. This man had the shield, and a new get up. This was the worst thing we could have ever imagined. Bucky’s face was written with anger and sadness. I grabbed his hand, and he squeezed it tightly. I pulled him close and played with his hair. He was angry, but he was also beating himself up so bad. That was the issue with this. He didn’t blame anyone, but himself.

“Bucky, it’s going to be okay. I promise.”

“I have to go.” He stands up and grabs a jacket.

“Bucky no. You’re not going anywhere.”

“I’m sorry Y/n, but I have to know.”

“James Buchanan Barnes, sit down.”

He’s taken aback a little bit. He knows I normally don’t say his full name unless I was angry, or scared. He nods and comes back to sit down. I pull him close, and try to calm him down. He relaxes a bit, calming down.

“I need to find Sam. I need to know what is going on.”

“I’m going with you. This is my fight too now. I’m not letting you go with Sam by yourself.”

“I’ll have his nanny stay with him.”

“We could afford a nanny?”

“She’s a family friend of mine. She is doing it out of the kindness of her heart. And a $100 down pay.”

“Great. Why can’t we both be young and have parents to watch our son.”

“Sorry to break it to you, but we're both over a hundred years old.”

“How can we afford a full time nanny for him?”

“Remember I still work for S.H.I.E.L.D. So, I still get a paycheck from Fury.”

“Shouldn’t that go to the house in the countryside?”

“What if I said S.H.I.E.L.D. had that house set up for me, and you whenever things got situated with you?”

“Not unless they had some influence. I needed to make sure we could seek refuge if we came back to the states. Fury set that all up while we were in Wakanda. He hoped that he could get you pardoned in a quick matter, but that wasn’t the case.”

“Yeah. I was still being tried as a wanted man when I got back from the blip. I guess I have Fury to thank for that. I still have this court ordered therapy I have to go to. I hate it in all honesty. It just reminds me of the things I want to forget.”

“That’s why I’m here. To relieve your mind from the things that you don’t want to remember. Jamie and I are here to help you take your mind off things. Remind you that you are surrounded with people who care about you.”

“I knew there was a reason I loved you so much.” Bucky smiled and kissed me.

I smile into it, as Bucky pulls me close, but I pull away, “kid in the room.”

“Right. Sorry.” He gives an apologetic look.

“It’s okay, love.” I kiss his cheek, and look over at Jamie, who is about to fall asleep on the couch. “Let’s get you to bed mister.”

“Can I sleep with you and daddy?”

I look at Bucky, who just smiles, “of course you can.”

“Yay!” He runs to go get changed into his pjs.

“Maybe when we go look for Sam, we can get alone time.” Bucky smirks wrapping his arms around my waist.

“We have a kid now. There is no such thing as alone time anymore.”

“That’s what vacations are for.”

“So, finding Sam, and helping him with whatever, is a vacation to you?”

“Why not? Anywhere with you is a vacation for me.”

“I thought it was without me.” I say in a low voice, walking out of his arms, and to the couch to get Jamie’s pillow and blanket.

“Y/n, I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting you and our son.”

“The only thing it did was hurt me. Not to mention when I saw you with that girl, I was convinced you left because you were cheating on me, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to pin you in a corner.”

“I understand how that looked to you, but nothing happened. We just played battleship, and talked. Our conversation reminded me I needed to find somebody. Then, I remembered how much I missed you and Jamie. Our little game nights, curling up in bed next to you, watching how our son grows each and every day. I understand that I can’t get back any time that I lost with him, I understood that when I came back. After the snap, I promised I wouldn’t lose any more precious time with him. I broke that, and when you said he had started school, I realised I really , really messed up. I missed his first day of school, that’s a big deal.”

“It is, but as long as you are there for when he moves on to middle school, highschool, when he graduates, and goes to college. This is all going to seem so small.”

“That’s a lot to process.”

“Welcome to parenthood, Buck. And imagine having to cope with those thoughts on your own, and being so scared to mess up because who else is gonna be there to help you when things fall apart. I didn’t have you there to help me. Steve and Nat helped when they could, but they were focused on helping those who didn’t know what happened. Helping them get through this hard time. Millions of people out there, just as lost and confused as I was.”

“I didn’t realise.”

“I didn’t really tell anyone how bad I was struggling. How badly I just wanted to put our son up for adoption, and end it all, but I knew that I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t orphan him. He reminded me too much of you, and I felt like I still had you even if you weren’t physically here.”

He hugs me tightly. It was his way of saying how sorry he was. He hated that he disappeared, and that he really couldn’t get those years back. The years he missed, not only with his son, but with me as well. The time to build our relationship, and grow as a couple. We both wanted to be a family, be the person the other one could lean on when they’re having a bad day.

“I love you, and I will never abandon you again. I promise.” He kisses my shoulder.

“I love you too Bucky. We should probably get some sleep. We’ll go find Sam in the morning.”

He smiles, turning me, and kissing me. I smiled into it, savoring this moment, hoping that when I opened my eyes he would still be there, right in front of me. We pulled away when I heard Jamie’s feet against the floor, walking back out to the living room.

“I’m ready for bed.” He yawns, grabbing his blanket.

“Let’s head to bed bud.” Bucky says, lifting him up and carrying him to the bedroom.

I followed after him, and watched him lay Jamie down on the bed gently. Bucky tucked him in, and kissed his forehead.

“Is it true I look just like you when you were my age?”

“Who told you that?”

“Uncle Steve.”

Bucky chuckles, “then he must me right. I mean you do have a lot of my features. Except your eyes. You have your mother’s gorgeous, breathtaking eyes.”

“Is it true that’s how you two fell in love?”

“Uncle Steve, and mom, told me that you two locked eyes, and that’s all it took. You both fell in love with each other after just looking into each other's eyes. Is that what they mean by love at first sight?”

“I suppose that is. That’s true though. Mommy and I were both lonely souls looking for comfort, and we found that comfort in each other.”

“Can you tell me how you two fell in love? How did you know it was mommy?”

“I thought she was a beautiful, wonderful vision. I didn’t think she was real when I first saw her back at the army camp, but when I saw her at the dance hall that night, I knew she was real. The girl I had waited months, and would wait years to meet again in that little fairground, was standing next to me, clear as day.” That’s when Bucky looked to me, smiling so wide.

“You were in the army too mommy?”

“Kind of. I was working with Uncle Steve as he promoted people to buy stuff that would help the soldiers overseas. We found ourselves in London where daddy was stationed. We found out that daddy and some of his friends were taken by a very bad man. Uncle Steve and I decided we wanted to go save them, but when that time came, Uncle Steve did the saving. I was sent back to camp to wait.”

“Did you know that you were going to rescue daddy?”

“I wasn’t really sure. Steve talked about this Bucky guy, who he had been friends with for years. They were from Brooklyn, and that’s it. I didn’t really have the evidence to believe that this Bucky guy was your father, but I knew the minute we locked eyes again. Those steel blue eyes, my heart just fluttered, and I knew that he was the man I couldn’t stop thinking about for months.”

“Then let fate swoop in and tear us apart for a very very long time.” Bucky said, looking down.

“That wasn’t your fault. Steve tried to save you, and you tried to save yourself, but by that point you had a huge target on your back. HYDRA had already started it’s experiments.”

“Experiments?”

“Did you have to bring that up in front of him?” Bucky started to panic, and I could tell he was scared.

“Sorry Buck.”

“It’s okay.” Bucky begins to fiddle with his thumbs, and Jamie crawls to him touching his hand.

“It’s okay daddy. I know you’re not a bad guy anymore. You could never hurt us.”

“He already knew that some people don’t think you’re a good person. Rhodey said some not so nice things. He told Jamie to not wish to be just like you.”

“He’s right though.”

“I want to be a soldier just like you daddy. You saved the world, and helped Uncle Steve. I want to help save the world, and help Uncle Steve.”

Bucky looks at him, trying to contain all the emotion he had before, “you don’t want to be like me James. I don’t want you to be just like me. I want you to go to college, meet a girl as beautiful as your mother, have a family. I don’t want you to be alone for all your life wondering who you are. Not knowing who else is gonna get hurt.”

“I want to fight in a war like you did. I wanna be a superhero.”

I giggle, “let him be a superhero Bucky.”

That gets him to chuckle a little, “as long as you promise to also want to be like mommy.”

“Yes. I want to save the world like you both did. Mommy? Is Uncle Steve coming back?”

“No, honey. He isn’t coming back.”

“Is he with the angels like auntie Nat?”

“Yes, he’s with auntie Nat now.”

He yawns, “I want to be like all the superheroes.”

Bucky lays him back down, tucking him in, “you have all the strength, both in body and mind Jamie.”

I smiled when I heard Bucky say that. He was right though, he most likely had Bucky’s strength, and my abilities. He also had a heart of gold. Bucky and I changed and crawled into bed with him, “it will all work out in the end, Bucky. You’ll see.”

“I just hope you’re right.”

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