take up space. take some more.

Taking up space

I have carried a lot of shame within myself for taking up space in this life - and often, I do need space: I ask for care and help from my friends, medical providers, family, and people I'm dating.

Space includes needing emotional/physical support as well as distance away so I can be in hermit mode.

Space is also being able to rest and recharge, whether that's with or without social interaction.

Space also asks for breaks and ending connections/dynamics when you realize they're not serving you anymore.

--

As I heal, especially this past year, I have realized that to build up my own personal core strength, I personally cannot be estranged from my community. Additionally, I need to discern who is in my community - not all "good" people are necessarily good for me.

I've been "clingy" in the past due to unmet needs - but there was always something deeper that made me attach harder.

I need a lot of space or to take up space of various kinds.

Last October to December, I needed a lot of support - it was the one year mark of making a decision that changed the trajectory of my life (for the better). I had a lot of trauma that still needed to be released.

And I was in relationships that weren't serving me - I had to release them too. I had so much resistance for doing so, because I just wanted it to all work out. (I'm actually so glad that I had my pregnancy scare/reality/unknown (as of this writing) in December, because it helped me get all my priorities right. It helped me see that my needs and my space that I asked for weren't being respected - and while that's okay for anyone to not participate in my life, it also indicates just that: they don't want to participate in my life.)

--

So what am I trying to say? I guess I'm trying to say that I just want to be unapologetically me - I can always work on my maladaptive behaviors that hurt people (and that is definitely a life-long commitment), but I don't want to give up my values or my space to conform anymore.

I don't know what's going on, I'll wait till you sort your mind and can finally tell me. It's quite shaken, we both know the past couple of days weren't it. I know you miss me, you've said it yourself. I'm glad no one else has gotten that deep and made you have those reactions you have to my absence.

I would say I miss you too, cause I do. But I'm not in the place to say it outloud, it's not an urge right now. You know I always do, and I know it myself for sure. Tho distancing ourselves for a couple of days is definitely gonna be positive for us.

You complete me.

🚩Trauma Talk and Self-Limiting Beliefs

By Anastasia Darkwater

I love my mother. She did the best she could with what she had. Today, I hold nothing but love and compassion in my heart for her, but in being raised by her, I picked up some self-limiting beliefs that I took in deeply.

The seeds of my self-limiting beliefs germinated as a result of her often repeated, kind of joking? phrases such as: "Children should be seen and not heard.", "Never have children because they are ungrateful and they ruin your life.", and her favorite saying if I asked for anything was "Want in one hand and shit in the other. See which fills up faster."

Hearing these phrases every day, one's brain starts to turn them into truths: don't be loud, only be present when you're needed/wanted, don't ask for anything, don't want anything, don't need anything, I'm ungrateful, I'm a burden, I ruined my mother's life because she was too scared to get another abortion.

I did my best to be unseen, unheard, and want nothing. I became self-sufficient, I needed no one, and I completely isolated myself from humanity.

Some things I learned: being unobserved or unheard is nearly impossible in the age of smart phones and the internet, and if I really think about it, privacy is a rather privileged thing to ask for or demand, in the sense that total privacy is really only available to the wealthy. The rest of us live amongst each other, sharing walls, sharing space, keeping ourselves small so we don't bother anyone else.

It's one way to live, but it doesn't bring happiness or freedom or peace. The secret really is in letting go. Giving in. Taking up space. And that takes me to some fear.

The fear for me is not wanting to bother others (be a burden). What if what I'm doing is disturbing someone who I can't even see?

I dislike being disturbed by others. I feel so helpless in wishing they would stop doing some annoying thing. Can't they understand they are affecting others??

While I simultaneously believe everyone has a right to do their thing, and I'm awful for being annoyed at them. What a paradox!

I don't have the answer on which is right, to be silent and never risk annoying each other or to freely express to our heart's content. Both are valid, and it depends on the context. It's a debate for another day.

All this rambling is to show, by way of my personal example, that fears can be overcome, and if a fear of being heard is something you struggle with, you are safe in this group. Here, we invite and encourage you to discover and explore your voice. True joy, bliss, and calm are just one shrutibox session away!

Let the vibration of your voice reawaken you to your body! Come sing with us!

Ps: You don't have to sing to attend a Sound & Shadow Ceremony! ❤

im in a lot of pain and going through so much rn and its overwhelming i need a break

sometimes while i think about that while a lot of adults did not treat me very well as a kid i also get a lot of 'in hindsight this person was so good to me and i didnt even realize it until now' as an adult. today i was thinking about how the first anime convention i ever went to was when i was 10 and i asked the man working the manga cafe what manga was/what a good place to start was (because the con was very overstimulating for me and i had gotten lost) and he asked how old i was before recommending yotsuba and asking if i wanted any water or something to eat. its really simple but theres a lot of bad things that couldve happened or he could've been careless in his recommendation, but instead yotsuba has remained one of my favorite manga for years, and probably a large portion of why i continue to read manga as an adult... i think adults who try to involve kids in the world safely/kindly even in little ways make so much more of a difference than they ever really know.

Sex positivity is also about not calling Ace people prude and using virgin as an insult 👍 hope that helps

i think they should take turns cuddling for healing purposes

sisko loving baseball is literally so weird. like imagine your boss was obsessed with like jousting or something. he talks about jousting all the time, when you go into his office he picks up his jousting stick and just kind of holds it while he talks to you, and then as you get to know him he starts inviting you and your coworkers to go watch simulated jousting videos with him. then one day his bitchy rival from college shows up and reveals that he not only learned jousting, but taught it to his employees. like he did this JUST to torment your boss, despite the fact they havent seen each other in YEARS. so your boss challenges the bitch to a jousting tournament and he just??? signs you up??? so you learn how to joust, you joust against the bitch rival and his employees, and then you lose

Honestly I think a lot of people who have never made a gif for tumblr don't get that it does actually take time and effort, its not just rip it from a video and post it- you have to download the video, in my case I have a video player installed that grabs continuous caps, figure out what parts you need, you have to open those in photoshop or gimp, depending on where you got photoshop you might be paying for it every month and then on top of that is actually sizing, cropping, colouring, sharpening, adding text, etc. etc. like it is something that takes time and effort for which the only real reward is creating something that makes you happy and hopefully people reblog it with a nice or funny tag, so maybe keep that in mind the next time you think gif makers are being mean or unfair for being upset about reposts. It is its own little artform that is fairly unique to this website, and that's a big aspect of why I have always loved tumblr, if all the gifmakers stopped posting things would be a lot more boring around here.

btw if you borrow dvds or cds from library you can rip them onto your own blanks or onto your hard drive or whatever. librarians don’t care and they won’t know if you do it or not

I am becoming aware of the reason I was avoidant of attachment. We haven't spoken for 4 days now and I'm getting desperate, I keep thinking on about her all day, always going on instagram to see what she uploads. I don't know how I will deal with this in the future if we end up separating. It's threatening.

-Chaosmindthoughts

bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh

uh.. ghost hunter Roronoa Zoro?

i had to