Estimated Sexual Abilities of Austen Men
In no particular order within tier
Edits added in blue based on your reblogs and careful consideration
Top Tier:
Mr. Mainwaring: to have the near undying loyalty of the exceedingly selfish Lady Susan, this man must be a sex god
Henry Crawford: he knows he’s not handsome, he wants women to love him, he'd put in the work. Also one of the only men to be rated by a woman who has had sex before.
Henry Tilney: he cares about things women like, high emotional intelligence, and extremely kind.
Frederick Wentworth: passion and experience (I imagine), also has high emotional intelligence when he’s not being a dufus.
Colonel Brandon: passionate, thinks about other people’s feelings a lot, self-sacrificial
John Knightley: I think there’s a good reason that they keep banging out those kids
Admiral Croft: I cannot believe I left him off, obviously amazing in bed because he respects his wife as his equal and is very fun. You are telling me they spend all their time together and don't have amazing sex? No freaking way!
Good Tier:
William Price: athletic, cares about his sister a lot (good sign), and gives good presents. He’s only nineteen in the story which is why he has room to improve.
Captain Harville: Obviously
Mr. Morland: dude isn’t even on page, but in my head Mrs. Morland enjoyed making all ten of those children.
Colonel Fitzwilliam: I think he’d be good, but not awesome. He'll probably be wasted on a mercenary marriage.
Charles Bingley: I get the feeling he’d be on a race to the end, and maybe not the best communicator at first. Will improve.
Mr. Gardiner: Just because he’s awesome and seems to respect women
Captain Benwick: poetry and passion!
Robert Martin: seems like a pretty romantic guy, also works on a farm so probably athletic.
John Willoughby: Mostly because of experience, but he is also pretty passionate. He’s also super hot, Miss Grey knew what she was getting into. But this guy can only go downhill from here.
Reginald De Courcy: He’s a sweetheart, an occasionally dumb sweetheart
Mr. Bennet: Is he lazy in most domains of life? Yes. But Mrs. Bennet wasn’t just trying for that heir, I’m telling you folks. Maybe he's just trying to make her unable to talk 😉
George Knightley: Promoted to good tier, I do think he's very caring, but he also is always sure HE is right, which may be a problem.
John Yates: Maybe not the most selfless person, but he's got passion and he does love his wife. Probably very into roleplay.
Mediocre but can improve tier:
Fitzwilliam Darcy: he’s a bit stiff... I think it might take some time for him to get good at it (demoted to this tier because he will need time to improve)
Frank Churchill: He’s got passion, but he’s so darn selfish and doesn’t seem to send that much time thinking about Jane’s feelings
Edward Ferrars: I just see him being a nervous wreak the first few times, it’ll get better (Note: I think Lucy is way too smart to have had sex without a wedding date)
James Morland: Dude, I’m just disappointed with you in general. Being led by lust, not protecting your sister. I hope you grow a lot before you try to get engaged again.
Charles Musgrove: could be good, but Mary never seems to appreciate the effort he puts in so he kind of gave up
Tom Bertram: Selfish, never has to try for anything, but he did reform so maybe he can get better here too.
Edmund Bertram: Repressed and selfish. He needs to actually start listening to what women say if he’s going to improve and there is a whole book of him doing exactly the opposite...
Mr. Elton: selfish, full of himself, and low emotional intelligence, however, I think he does love his wife so he is willing to put in some effort for her.
Just bad:
James Rushworth: Maria was not impressed at all, despite how much “taller” he was
Captain Tilney: riding on good looks and money, selfish
John Thorpe: Selfish and he never shuts up. I have trouble imaging him getting a woman to sleep with him without paying her.
George Wickham: selfish and good looking, he’s not doing any work. He thinks you should be honoured to sleep with him.
Robert Ferrars: selfish and not even good looking. There is nothing here. Lucy did not win people.
Mr. Woodhouse: I can’t even imagine, if he didn’t have children I’d say he was a virgin
Mr. Collins: The woman he is trying to please is not his wife.
Mr. Elliot: cruel to his first wife and not even handsome!
Sir Walter Elliot: I don’t think any part of his personality would tend toward being a “giver”, however, if you like mirrors...
John Dashwood: exactly the opposite of a “giver”
Mr. Price: the guy had 11 children in 14 years so I wish I could say he was better in bed. My suspicion is that he started in the good tier and has had a very slow fall into just bad. And all that alcohol, ug...
Dr. Grant: Noted for being a whiney, selfish glutton. Hopefully he just falls asleep before he can attempt anything because I can't imagine him being that good in bed.
General Tilney: If you don't want to even try to imagine their sex life, they go in this tier. And he is so freaking controlling!
No Data: We interviewed Lady Bertram for information on Sir Thomas, but she confessed that with full consent, she has always fallen asleep during sex. Given her personality, we decided that this information has no bearing on Sir Thomas’s abilities. She did say that giving birth was, “Very disagreeable.”
Mr. Hurst: I really can't decide with him because while he does love the finer things in life, we don't know exactly why he and Louisa married. More info required.
Criteria: In the domain of F/M sex, communication is key, so we need a man who is willing to listen to what women say. Also, selfishness is obviously a negative trait when it comes to a happy sexual partner of either gender. Some of this is just vibes, but I think there is a fair amount of canon information about how much men respect women, especially their sisters.
Feel very free to fight me in the reblogs. The only hill I will die on is that Henry Crawford’s rating is correct 😉
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Canon Sapphic Characters Tournament Bracket 7 Round 1 Master Post
Carol Willick (Friends) vs Susan Ross (Seinfeld)
Dana Fairbanks (The L Word) vs Jo Deluca (A League of Their Own)
Jamie Taylor (The Haunting of Bly Manor) vs Victorine LaFourcade (The Fall of the House of Usher)
Nora West-Allen (The Flash) vs Rory Morningstar (Lucifer)
Mabel Elmsworth (The Buccaneers) vs Sue Gilbert (Dickinson)
Frannie Crowne (Brave New World) vs Jinju Seong (Snowpiercer)
Lindsay Peterson (Queer as Folk) vs Tina Kennard (The L Word)
Gail Peck (Rookie Blue) vs Dulcie Collins (Deadloch)
Franky Doyle (Wentworth) vs Sandy Milkovich (Shameless)
Lucy Westenra (Dracula) vs Freya Mikaelson (The Originals)
Philippa Eilhart (The Witcher) vs Eretria (The Shannara Chronicles)
Nina (Good Omens) vs Margot (Once Upon a Time)
Judy Hale (Dead to Me) vs Emma Hernandez (Vida)
Arizona Robbins (Grey's Anatomy) vs Maggie Lin (Saving Hope)
Dana Bryant (Mythic Quest) vs Aleesha Morrison (Upload)
Serena Southerlyn (Law & Order) vs Eve Rothlo (How to Get Away with Murder)
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