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sxcret-garden · 4 months

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Ateez when they're jealous ღ NSFW Edition [M]

ღ Ateez all members x fem-bodied!reader ღ genre: smut, headcanons (dom-sub dynamics in some parts, semi-public sex in some parts, most of them get more or less possessive) ღ warnings: alcohol consumption in some parts

Author's note: Maybe I went a liiiittle overboard with this.... maybe I'm also very tempted to turn one of these into a full fic....

Hongjoong:

He's usually one to deal with his jealousy in a very adult manner and simply talk it out with you. However, after coming home jealous one day and having what was probably the best sex in your relationship up until that point, you've made an arrangement to deal with your jealousy in the bedroom. So it's really become more of a game to him than a pestering feeling to get rid of asap. And today as well, after you've spent a little too much time (in his opinion) having a very engaged conversation with the cute waiter of your regular place to get dinner, Hongjoong can't wait to get home and to drag you off to his bed. And that's exactly what he does, as you're filled with expectation because you didn't exactly miss the evil smirks he's been giving you throughout dinner, and you could guess what would be coming once you're home. He's moving slowly as he crawls on top of you, brushing his lips against yours in teasing kisses, and then telling you to strip naked for him. Will be the biggest little shit ever as he touches you in all the ways he knows will rile you up, and has you cursing underneath him when he pulls his fingers out of you just as you're about to cum. "You're gonna have to beg for it, babe," he whispers, licking his fingers clean. "I'm not gonna let you cum until I know you can't take it anymore."

Seonghwa:

Is so shocked when after weeks of suffering he finally figures out that seeing you with your male best friend makes him jealous, that he impulsively decides to get (almost blackout) drunk. What he forgot to consider was that you were scheduled to make dinner with him at his place, and so when you walk in on him having downed what's probably his third bottle of soju you're definitely mad at him. Wondering whether it'd even make sense to try to reason with your drunk boyfriend, you do eventually end up scolding him, but the second you're within reach he pulls you down onto his sofa, crawling on top of you. He's blushing from the alcohol, and usually you'd have found that cute, but today the cold stare he gives you makes you shiver. Worriedly, you ask what's wrong with him, and finally he explains. "I'm jealous. Like really jealous of your best friend. And drinking it away wasn't the best choice but right now I just need to make you mine." You're not sure if you should be impressed how in control he is for the amount he drank or if you should just be insanely turned on by his words, but when you give him permission with a nod it's not like he leaves you any time to think about this further anyway. Has you both naked in no time and pins you down as he fucks you rough, and if you think he'll be satisfied with giving you just one or two orgasms that night, you couldn't be more wrong.

Yunho:

Doesn't get jealous ever, except for that one time when you had only just started dating and were still in a bit of an awkward phase of figuring everything out together. Now usually he doesn't mind you going out to see your other guy friends, he has no reason to worry about that because he trusts you to never betray him. However, who he doesn't trust is that one guy who very obviously has a crush on you and he wouldn't put it past him to try to steal you away. And so he even went so far as to warn you about it, but you just brushed it off, defending the other guy and saying he's just a friend. And well, when one night your boyfriend witnesses how that guy drops you off at Yunho's place and he's being just a little too touchy before he hugs you goodbye, that's when the jealousy sets in. Needless to say he's upset when you walk inside, and not knowing what to do with that feeling, he simply kisses you. And it's a passionate kiss filled with need, the kind of kiss you've never received from your boyfriend up until that point. Yet he takes the lead, and soon he pushes you up against a wall, hands roaming your body and his lips nipping at your throat. "I don't ever want to see that guy touching you like that again," he mutters, rolling his clothed hard on against your hips, making you throw your head back. "You're mine and nobody else's." When he feels you going limp in his hold and all you can do is agree and whine at his touch, he takes you right then and there, proving to you that nobody could ever make you feel as good as he can.

Yeosang:

When he's jealous he needs reassurance above all else, especially towards the beginning of your relationship. The only problem is that he's kinda slow at figuring out that he's jealous, and so it's often you who picks up the cues before he does. And you know he tends to get sulky and avoidant when he feels bad but can't quite put his finger on why, so one day you decide to try to help him out of that. And so you approach him, telling him straightforward that you want to have sex with him. And pulling him out of his bubble takes a while of hesitation from his side, but when you take him by the hand to walk him to your bedroom, he doesn't protest. Crawling on top of him and making out with him, you wait until you can feel him somewhat relax underneath you. Your fingers of one hand tangled in his hair while the other roams his toned upper body has him melting underneath you, and just then you ask him whether he's jealous, in the sweetest tone you can muster. "I... I think so," he mumbles. "Do you need me to prove to you that I only want you?" you ask, and Yeosang nods. And you'd be surprised how quickly he can go from desperately clinging to you as you get him off slowly, humming praises for your boyfriend, to him flipping your positions around and with a "Sorry, I need this now" he starts thrusting into you, hard and slow. The pace as well as him suddenly taking charge of the situation makes you see stars, and his desperate but possessive groans could make you cum right then and there.

San:

Seems more helpless than anything else the second he comes back from picking up some takeout coffee for the both of you when he sees a complete stranger flirting with you, and you doing nothing to ward the guy off. And of course he'd be jealous at the sight, but he decides to play the tough guy for now, telling the guy off as he approaches. "Dude, what are you doing flirting with my girlfriend?" He puts an emphasis on his last word, and his voice sounds darker than usual. And though the stranger leaves immediately and you two continue your date as usual, something's off about San once you arrive home. Dragging you off to the bedroom by the sleeve of your shirt, he doesn't say anything and doesn't let you see his face right until he has you pinned to the bed, hovering above you and pressing a fiery kiss to your lips. Clothes don't stay on for long, and when he finally has his hips snapping into you, you have to slow him down from how rough he's being. "Fuck, that guy pissed me off," he mutters as he buries his face in your neck, leaving his mark there. When he has you coming undone underneath him, he doesn't stop, continuing to fuck you towards your next high, and your head starts to spin when you hear his next words, growled into your ear, "Don't ever flirt with another man again. Don't even look at someone else, or do you think anyone else could ever fuck you this good?"

Mingi:

Well if he isn't a wild card idk what. Gets jealous rather easily, and from him sulking like a kid to him taking charge and dragging you off to the nearest secluded space, anything could happen. It entirely depends on his mood that day, and a bit on the situation too. Mingi definitely needs you to comfort him if it's the former option, but the good news is that he'll be fine rather quickly after you assure him he has nothing to worry about. However, after you've been dating for a while and he's internalized that you're not gonna let someone else take you away from him, that helplessness soon turns into anger at whatever guy is flirting with you. And so one night when you're out with friends, all being a bit tipsy and this one guy just won't stop giving you all of his attention, Mingi eventually shoots up from his seat and drags you to the restrooms without an explanation. Kisses you feverishly after locking up the stall he entered with you, and only when you ask him what's wrong he gives you an explanation. "I don't like the way that guy looks at you. It pisses me off," he hisses, before going right back to kissing you. His hand finding your core underneath your clothes in no time, he starts fingering you, even teasing you about how you're already wet for him, and eventually he'll flip you around so he can grind his clothed bulge against your ass as he gets you off, relishing in the way you're desperately trying to suppress all noises.

Wooyoung:

Big switch energy so this can go one of two ways, but after the initial deep conversation you had about jealousy and how you can trust each other despite that feeling sometimes arising, the one thing that's for sure is that you're gonna resolve it with sex. Even when the jealousy is barely even there, just like earlier today when you had commented to your boyfriend on how handsome one of Wooyoung's friends looks in his latest insta post, he doesn't miss the opportunity to seek proof that at the end of the day you only have eyes for him. "And what about me?" he'll asks as he walks up to you from behind, hands put on your waist and his lips ghosting above your neck. The tone of his voice gives his intentions away immediately, and it doesn't take long for him to spin you around in his hold so he could kiss you, dragging you off to the nearest surface to have sex with you on (whether that's the bed, the sofa, or the dining table he doesn't care). And it really all depends on your mood whether he'll pin you against it, making you beg for him until he's satisfied, or put all the power into your hands and let you have his way with him until he's the one whining for your touch. One way or the other, the reason for his jealousy will soon be forgotten, because now all that matters is you and him chasing pleasure together.

Jongho:

You're at a party hosted by a mutual friend of yours, and from the moment you dressed up at home you've known that your outfit choice today is doing something to your boyfriend from the looks he's been giving you. You like the attention, you're not gonna lie, and you can imagine what this night will lead to once you're back in the comfort of your own home, after making him stare at you all evening. However, what you didn't expect were the death glares he's been giving one of your male childhood friends who's been occupying you ever since you walked into that party. You know Jongho isn't the type to get jealous easily, but when he does he usually struggles with expressing it. However, you also know your boyfriend will usually do the right thing anyway, and so when he pulls you into the empty kitchen and locks the door behind himself, you expect him to simply tell you about his feelings. What you certainly do not expect is him backing you up against a counter with a possessive stare glued to your lips. "What's wrong...?" Kisses you instead of answering your question and makes your head spin from the way he runs his hands down your body alone. There's need and anger behind his actions, and in no time he has you pressed up against the kitchen counter, facing the wall now, both your pants and underwear pulled down just enough so he could fuck you from behind, teasing you with just his tip until he has you begging for more, and this really is just what he needed to alleviate his unnecessary feelings of jealousy...

#ateez smut #ateez reactions #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez x reader #ateez x fem reader #ateez headcanons #hongjoong smut #seonghwa smut #yunho smut #yeosang smut #san smut #mingi smut #wooyoung smut #jongho smut #smut

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lost-and-ephemeral · 2 months

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Series: In Her Shadow, pt.2 (ft. main trio)

Part 1 | Part 2

Slowly but surely she replaced you in his heart.

Pairing: Xavier x reader, Zayne x reader, Rafayel x reader (seperate)

Tags: angst, hurt no comfort, reader is not MC, breakup

A/N: I recieved a lot of comments and request asking me to continue, so here we are! I've tried my best. Ty everyone, I appreciate every message, even if it would be hard to mention every single one of them in this post. Also, if you want to be tagged in future fics, let me know!

-`♡´- MASTERLIST -`♡´-

Rafayel

You began to notice that Rafayel was spending less and less time with you, choosing his bodyguard over you.

It wasn't obvious at first, yeah, but as time went on, everything became so noticeable that you couldn't ignore it anymore. Especially when he forgot about your plans with him and didn't even consider apologizing for it.

The smell of someone else's perfume in his studio, the way Rafayel would leave you at home and take her to all the important events because "you probably don't like spending time among journalists and annoying guests." It seems that he didn't even notice the moment when you were completely estranged from each other.

And all your attempts to talk to him about it ended with nothing.

"She's my bodyguard," he'd say. "No wonder I take her everywhere I go. Is there anything wrong with that?"

Yes, a lot of things were wrong.

But he was completely unwilling to notice it, and you were tired of collecting the shards of your broken heart from the floor day after day. Those warm feelings that brought a sense of lightness and happiness in your heart suddenly turned into pure torture.

You had to end it all, even if it'll hurt so much.

When you arrived at his studio this morning, you came face to face with "Ms. Bodyguard" herself. She was just about to leave, and didn't even hesitate to embrace your beloved. Right in front of you.

Maybe you would've exploded from all these negative emotions, if you had any strength left to be mad or to cry. But there was only emptiness in your heart.

You became strangers to each other.

"I'm breaking up with you," you said without any regret and pushed him away as he tried to hug you. "I don't want to be a second choice after your precious bodyguard."

"W-wait, why? What... But I didn't do anything!" he replied confused, apparently not realizing how much he's been hurting you all this time.

"Maybe that's the point. That you'd do anything for her, but not for me."

He looked at you with the same confusion in his eyes, trying to figure out if it was a joke, but you continued before leaving this place forever.

"You were everything to me, Rafayel. But for you, I was just a small episode of your life. I'm tired. You've been spending all your free time with her, like I didn't exist. It'll be better this way. Goodbye."

No matter how long he was calling your name, asking you to stop, to come back and talk with him, you didn't.

Zayne

Loving a cardiac surgeon with his busy schedule is hard.

But it's even harder when he no longer cares about your existence and spends a significant amount of time with his childhood friend.

After Zayne forgot about your reservation at the restaurant, making you feel like you were the last fool in this world, some more time has passed.

Yeah, he apologized. No, he didn't start spending less time with his "friend".

It's hard to count how many evenings you spent alone when he stayed late at work for her or was invited to a "friendly" dinner with her. But it happened often enough so finally your love turned into suffering.

At first you tried to convince yourself that you're too jealous and he's just happy to finally reunite with someone close to him from his youth. You care about your friends too, don't you?

But it only got worse.

All your plans were constantly adjusted to his friend's wishes. She wants to take him to a cafe at the same time you were planning to go to the cinema? "Sorry, love, let's reschedule our date for another day". You've made him his favorite dinner? Too bad, his friend already brought him dinner at work and he's not hungry.

Eventually you started feeling like he stopped enjoying your time together and just continued to exist in the same apartment with you out of habit.

Talking didn't get you anywhere, because Zayne didn't notice how much he was hurting you (or he simply didn't want to notice it) with his actions and only distanced himself from you even more.

At some point you felt like he put an ice wall around himself again.

He stayed late again this evening, completely forgetting his promise to spend time with you. You packed your things with tears in your eyes, ready to say goodbye to life with Zayne once and for all.

And he showed up at the doorstep of his apartment just as you were ready to leave.

"What's going on?" his voice didn't betray a shred of emotion. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to leave you and your lovely friend together so I don't have to be an unwanted addition to your life."

Zayne was taken aback at this statement and was about to say something, but you interrupted him.

"You were the one who brought happiness and comfort into my life. You were the one who made me feel loved and wanted. But now I realize that I wasn't good enough for you. Goodbye."

You walked away and closed the door behind you, leaving him all alone.

Xavier

Before, you without a doubt would've said that your relationship with Xavier was the ultimate dream.

But now it wasn't actually true.

Yes, your beloved still showed care and attention every spare minute he had. Just not to you. It seemed as if his colleague started to occupy his every thought.

During dinner, on a walk, after missions. He was always talking about her, how strong she is, and how lucky he is that she chose him as her partner. His eyes were shining with delight you had never seen before.

You were happy for him, but only until it crossed the line. Only until you started to feel like he was in love with her, not with you.

One day you found yourself completely miserable. Xavier texted you that he would be late because they had "decided to celebrate another successful mission". Except that you were usually the one he shared his joy with. But things have changed.

Even though you were the brightest star in his world, you were inevitably lost behind the glow of the Moon.

You were trying to be better, to be more interesting. Trying to reach an unattainable ideal. But you couldn't. After all, maybe you were never meant to be together if it turned out like this. Maybe you weren't enough for him.

You couldn't remember the last day you didn't cry. Sometimes alone, sometimes locking yourself in the bathroom after another conversation about this "super-strong collegue". But Xavier didn't seem to notice it at all.

"I thought maybe you'd be interested to know what happens during missions," he said when you brought up this painful topic.

And, yes, you were interested. But all you heard was, "She took down that Wanderer so easily, I couldn't take my eyes off her." Or, "she's so good with her weapon, it's amazing."

He distanced himself from you so much that you hardly spent any time together.

He wasn't even home the day you left.

Xavier sent you a message saying he'd be late again. As usual, with her. Even though he promised to have a movie night and you had already prepared everything you needed for it.

Maybe it's even better if you don't see the look in his eyes the moment you tell him you're breaking up with him. You packed your things and left a note on the table, next to the snacks you bought.

"Maybe in another universe I would be worthy of you so you could look at me with the same adoration. I can see that you enjoy spending time with her much more. And we should break up so you don't torment my heart anymore. Goodbye."

You glanced around his apartment one last time before leaving it forever.

♡ tags: @skyowlz @prettytemis @aishasreality @randompersonwhoexist @kreishin @reni502 @moonyzstarz @chin-chii

#love and deepspace x reader #love and deepspace #love and deepspace xavier #love and deepspace zayne #love and deepspace rafayel #rafayel x reader #zayne x reader #xavier x reader

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invidiia · 7 months

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Hello! 🙃 Do you mind if I request a platonic yandere Dazai with a reader who used to be his subordinate in the port mafia but then they cross paths on a mission?

⋆⭒˚｡⋆ "i watch the rising sun!" 𖤐 p!yandere dazai // reader.

platonic yandere dazai meets his old subordinate.

m.list // now playing..

[ a/n ; THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING!! if something doesn't make sense, please god just ignore it because it's 2am, i'm dehydrated, half asleep, and i really need to continue writing on this blog. ]

[ warning ; platonic yandere, dazai himself needs a warning, mentions of abuse (not towards reader), mentions of the abuse cycle, user is about 18, mori is present, there's literally more backstory/explanation to this than the actual point, im sobbin ]

It was years since Dazai left the Port Mafia.

You were his other subordinate, besides Akutagawa. The ways he treated you both were entirely different - it usually ended in you being forced to watch Dazai 'train' Akutagawa, while he later patted your head, praising you for being good, which was standing by his side and watching as he mistreated others. Of course, after that, you would treat any of Akutagawa's wounds. Dazai treated you so well because you were like him, but why didn't he treat Akutagawa the same? You never understood.

Dazai spoke to you once before leaving - ordering you to stay put. He even injured you, breaking a few of your fingers and telling you to say you had gotten into a fight before he left, so you wouldn't be suspected in aiding his treason.

While you were glad that Akutagawa would no longer have to suffer by his hands - you were somewhat upset by him leaving. While some of the others were fine with comforting you, it wasn't the same as when Dazai did it. You couldn't help but miss the times he would praise you and pat your head for doing well.

But over time, you changed. You'd learned how to cope a much better way, and instead of wanting his praise and affection, you grew colder to anyone who tried showing you any kind of love. When others in the mafia tried to comfort you over him leaving, they'd watch as you became cold to them, not letting yourself be vulnerable to anybody anymore. Akutagawa had also changed - however, he was.. worse. The abuse cycle that had started from Mori had yet to break.

It was about a month after Kyouka had been taken in by the Armed Detective Agency. Mori never told you much about the agency, nothing about who was in it aside from Fukuzawa, Yosano, Atsushi, and Kyouka, and that they were different in many obvious ways, but had a form of alliance to defeat the Guild, none of which you'd been involved in. Everyone else was a mystery to you, since you were never given jobs involved with the agency anyway.

It came to your surprise when Mori presented you with a brand new mission of sort, to go with him while meeting with the leader of the Agency. That was unusual - usually Chuuya or Akutagawa did jobs like this, or when you were given one, they took it anyway, just to 'be nice to you'.

But Mori insisted you go, even though he gave you a choice to give it to Chuuya, Akutagawa, or anyone else. Even Chuuya suggested he take the job, not explaining himself, just insisting you let him take it. But this time was different - you were offered this, given an actual chance to be involved with the agency's dealings with the Port Mafia, something you were never given.

Of course you took the job.

You trailed closely behind Mori, following him loyally as you two had walked to the meeting place. If it was held in secret, then why the hell was it outside, anyway?

"[Name]," Mori called to you, turning to meet your eyes. He continued speaking after he knew you were listening. "Fukuzawa-san brought another of his own for the same reason I am bringing you. Just a heads up," Mori cheerfully spoke. Why didn't he tell you beforehand? It didn't matter now, though.

Both you and Mori approached the place to meet with the leader. You could see there was another person with Fukuzawa, but you stood behind Mori, and their upper half had been blocked out. No big deal.

You stepped out from behind your boss, arms crossed above your chest as you eyed the leader of the agency. He looked so kind, a part of you wondered what it'd be like if you were with the agency instead.

But Fukuzawa wasn't the only person you saw.

Standing close behind him was a tall man with dark, wavy chestnut hair, in a long, tan trench coat. He wasn't just any man. That was the familiar face of Osamu Dazai. The youngest executive in the history of the Port Mafia.

And you were his ex-subordinate, right there in front of both. Both of your eyes widened, but you were much more surprised to see Dazai than he was to see you, Like he expected this.

You barely listened to the conversation between Fukuzawa and Mori, only making out a few words - 'Guild', Defeat', 'Fitzgerald', 'Agency', and 'Mafia'. None of them mattered to you as much as they should have. Your eyes flickered between the pavement and Dazai, who stared at you intently, not bothering to hide it. He had an expression that you just couldn't read precisely - it was impossible to tell what he was thinking in the moment. You on the other hand? Your thoughts were clear, a beyond frustrated glare was evident on your face.

It felt like an hour standing there, listening to Mori and Fukuzawa talk, if you could even say you were listening. But it was over only twenty minutes later.

Mori smiled at Fukuzawa, while the other just nodded calmly. Your boss began to walk forward, looking at you to signal you were to walk with him. Fukuzawa and Dazai did the same.

However, when you and Dazai were next to each other, he stopped, turning to look at you. Out of curiosity, you sighed and looked up at him. His eyes were not kind, but a slight smile was etched onto his face. A bandaged hand took your shoulder, and Dazai spoke to you for the first time in years.

"My, how you've grown." Verbal surprise was clear in his voice. Dazai was about to speak again, but you cut him off before he could get a word out. "Don't fucking touch me." The taller brunette sighed, turning his full body towards you this time, not just his head.

He smiled at you, closing his eyes. "You've changed so much. We'll meet again, I'll make sure of it." After finishing his sentence, he began to catch up with Fukuzawa. You stood there, looking at Dazai as he walked off calmly.

While you were upset about how he left you, it wasn't your main concern. Was he not sorry about the way he treated Akutagawa, making you watch as he made him suffer for so long?

Part of you wanted to run after him and punch him, but it wasn't worth it, not now. Even so, the thought seeing him was upsetting, and meeting him again wasn't in your best interest.

[ extra // i'll do a part two sometime later.. it's 3:51am rn lmao km sobingmgkgkgm ]

#dazai x reader #platonic yandere dazai #yandere dazai x reader #bsd x reader #yandere bsd #platonic yandere #klya..anon #yandere dazai osamu #osamu dazai x reader #yandere dazai #yandere osamu dazai #yandere bungou stray dogs #yandere bungo stray dogs #yandere bungo stray dogs x reader #yandere bsd x reader

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dante-mightdie · 5 months

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You mentioned bluecollar!simon would do some sketchy shit to make money when needed, out of morbid curiosity, what sort of stuff?

After reading that ask about Simon getting laid off it got me thinking

Even though your working full-time now to support the both you and Simon, you’re nowhere near making the same amount of money Simon was when he was working full time (idk I imagine reader having a job at like a petrol station behind the contour, it’s sketchy, the customers are sketchy and the pay is shit but at the end of the day it’s all that’s she’s got)

It’s getting to the point where you both are having to eat less/not until your satisfied but you can’t afford a weeks worth of food as well as water, electricity, rent, petrol, ect,ect,ect so you both just have to do the best with what you’ve got at the moment

Like you said, Simon is a very proud man and watching the love of his life have to eat as little as possible, shower as fast as possible and not use the heater because they can’t afford it breaks, not just his heart, but his ego

When reader first met him she made him swear up and down that he would stop doing sketchy shit for money, she helped him get away from those people who were leading him down the wrong track and made sure he didn’t get himself in trouble. So he started making money in a more adorable way, but now times are tough and feels as that he has no choice

He could feel their relationship start slowly falling apart and he just could have that so he called up one of this old sketchy mates to help him get back into making money like he used to

Of course he does this behind readers back because he swore to her he would never go back!! But what else was he meant to do? Let his sweetheart suffer? Watch her work herself to death 7 days a week 12 hours a day and do nothing? His a provider, his a problem solver and he’ll be damned if he lets down his baby in a time of need

He starts doing his sketchy job again, telling reader his just picked up some good contract work from an old friend that “owed him for a favour”

The money starts coming in and it’s good, really good actually. Bills are being payed mostly by him again, food is not really an issue anymore and his almost back to where he was before he got laid off. Reader and his relationship is back on track, no more big stresses or arguments anymore. Life is good

But it’s so so so hard for him to go back to normal blue collar work, his making a little more money now then he was working out in the elements sweating with aching muscles. OH and on the construction site AS WELL AS went behind readers back and continued his side hustle!! GOD HE WOULD BE SWIMMING IN IT!!!

Aghhhhh it’s so hard for him all he wants his for his beautiful baby to have the life she deserves, he would never want to break her trust but god just the thought of living somewhat comfortably financially makes his heart flutter.

I would LOVE to hear your take on that if you have the time. His so unethical but it’s from the heart. All he wants is for you to live happily and comfortably. Your worry’s only being what warm dinner to put on the table for when he gets home and if you should put the white loads or the dark loads on first in the washing machine.

Personally I think his sketchy gig world probably have to do with dealing some illegal substances, I know it’s a stereotype that blue-collar works use substances, idk but it definitely is in my country. But yeah I could imagine him liking to indulge before he met reader as well. SORRY IM RAMBLING BUT YEAH LOVE YOU HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS

- 🎀

listen listen he is 100% a fucking weed dealer

content warning: weed, drug-dealing, illegal activities, mentions of guns...

used to deal it to the lads on the site before he met you. was only something he did for a bit of extra cash but it spiraled and he was getting in to deep to that lifestyle. started dating you and decided it was time to get out of that life after you a found a gun in his flat...

hated the scared look on your face as you stared down at the weapon in your hand never wants to see you that exposed to that kind of lifestyle again. so he dropped out. got a steady job, moved in with you, living an honest life...

but then he got laid off and he was desperate...

started selling weed again, maybe even started smoking it again to deal with the stress. and he can't deny it's nice to be able to spoil you again, bring you home little treats and presents, small date nights...

being able to take all the stress away from you made the risk worth it. no longer having to deal with hearing you crying in the bathroom because you're stressed about which bills you can pay this month eased the pain in his chest

and once he goes back to having a steady construction job again, he can't help but enjoy the extra spending money. actually being able to put money into a separate savings account, even starts looking at engagement rings and getting a bigger flat...

#mw2 #cod mw2 #ghost #simon ghost riley #simon riley #ghost x reader #simon riley x reader #bluecollar!simon

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saint-siren · 27 days

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A World For Her Alone | Sisyphus

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16

cw (chapter specific): child neglect, very vaguely implied forced prostitution, death, abuse, poisoning, suicide, mentions of pregnancy and childbirth, arranged marriage, infidelity

pairing: claude x fem!reader

summary: we take a brief intermission from claude's suffering to examine what the fuck is wrong with reader's family

author's note: me and my husband we're sticking together🎵

Claude lingered around your parents’ manor like a ghost after you died. In the middle of the night, every night, he found his way to your bedroom, standing at the foot of the bed you’d died in, remembering the shape your body formed in the sheets. The room still smelled of your blood and sweat, though the room had been cleaned up by the maids as soon as your body was taken out of the room. Your absence was starker than your presence. After the funeral, Diana expressed that she wanted to go home, heavily implying she would leave if he came with her but Claude was no longer beholden to her wants. He had no reason to care whether she came or went.

He was wielding grief as the knife he held up to cut deeper into himself in hope that if he only suffered enough, his hands would wash clean of your blood. But in the end, he had already decided to live, if only because he could do nothing else. Morbid thoughts plagued him, swirling around his head like unquiet spirits begging him to give in. He thought perhaps he should cause his own ruination and this time, live with it. He thought he should make for certain that both of your houses are set aflame and collapsing on top of the lot of you, to bury and burn your sycophant parents, his helplessly selfish wife and even his own child. He thought that nothing should be spared from complicity. He knew not anymore if he truly believed that it would save you, or if this was what some divine terror was willing him to do even still, but he began to long for punishment. It became catharsis, the thought of being punished.

He roamed through the house you grew up in, searching for any trace of you that survived, as if some inkling of you would help him to save what had already been lost too many times. Even so, it was automatic for him at this point, no longer even really a choice. He had no direction, only frantic need pulling him toward the doomed task. He was trying to get to the dregs of a goblet of wine which never ran dry, he kept drinking until he was sick but never satisfied, never finished.

Your parents’ manor was an eerie place, he’d always thought. Wind blew in from an opened window in the hall and the house seemed to breathe, and its hollow bones creaked softly. Despite her gentle ultimatum, Diana could not actually follow up on it, she must have known that but she believed better of him at the time and thought that everywhere she went, he would follow her like a lovestruck teenager again. There were things to be done at manor that she could not neglect as its lady even if he chose to neglect his own duties. She had come into her own as a marchioness, no longer the shy and unassuming lady that lay in bed sick day in and day out. She would not leave the territory without management though he knew she desperately wanted him to come back home. She seemed dazed to return home without her husband for that purpose, for the lament of a sister she had infinitely more right to grieve so egregiously. Even after all those years, the silly girl was only just beginning to grow aware of the disparity of marriage.

Somehow he felt it was hard for her to reconcile that she wasn’t a precious young lady anymore. Even as he was mired in a pool of half catatonic grief, she dared ask him to leave with her because she truly expected he would do so if she did. Had she not grown out of the habit of expecting to be near worshiped no matter what that her parents instilled her? He remembered how she was after your funeral, when he was sitting in the dark of a guest room. She had come to him, tried to hold him, to kiss him; believing all this would be a comfort and not a further indignity. She’d had arrogance enough to look hurt as he pulled her from him and recoiled from her touch. She must have still believed she was the cure to all ills because she was once more in a house where she was always treated as though she truly were.

He found his way to the library where you’d spent much of your life, if Felix’s word was truth. He brushed his fingers along the spines of the books, looking for the one that he left his missive in, the one Diana read and did not want understand. He searched through the categories of books that contained subjects you three would have studied together as he could not remember which particular book it was, but even after pulling all the books and flipping through the pages, he couldn't find the letter. He wondered if you had ever even set eyes on it once before Diana got to. Had it been your catalyst to run away? Had you read the note and understood that the effort of trying to be happy at his side was a fool’s errand? Was he again the cause of your downfall?

As he gave himself to thought of you, he continued looking through your family’s collection of books. It was all fairly standard and even a bit utilitarian, lacking any of the fanciful novels so beloved by many young nobles. He assumed if there were any, they’d be in Diana’s room because they’d be bought for and read by her alone. But there was something that struck him as he roamed around the shelves, his eyes scanning aimlessly for a book that looked as if it had been perhaps been misshelved. It was subtly tucked into the highest shelf but it still stood out to him eventually among droll guides, needlework books and encyclopedias emblazon with gold lettering. It was hastily bound looking more like a journal and it was worn, unlike the rich and well maintained leather of the other books and it was small, leaving a wide gap between the top of the shelf and the top of the book. Its spine did not read a title.

When he pulled the book, he understood what it was. Its title read “The Princess and The Knight,” signifying it was some common, tawdry romance novella. Still, he began to read it, the absurdity of its place in a house so heavy and serious intriguing him. Could this book have belonged to you? Could it have been an escape for you who was locked firmly out of girlhood when you were only just betrothed? When he’d read the title, his mind flashed with the memory of your face as Felix’s body fell into the dirt in front of you. He remembered how fiercely Felix had protected you even in this life. The rage and grief in his voice when he came for retribution. Though he knew you were ever dutiful and if there was love between you and Felix, it was never more than courtly, maybe you had seen this book and it had reminded you of some place where it could be more.

The story revolved around the love affair of a princess from a bloodline with an affinity for magic fleeing her country at wartime and being assigned a knight from the neighboring kingdom she sought refuge in. The two began a passionate and sanguine love affair in secret, all while living under of the tension of war and the threat of both of them losing everything to their love. But when the war was won, thanks in part to the wits of the two characters, and peace spread over the kingdom, she and her knight were able to be wed and live happily ever after. He had been searching for you in the pages, interpreting the knight and the princess, looking for traces of a love you might have had once. He had been looking for you so closely in every word that he hadn’t realized the grander scale of things until the end; when he flipped over the last page to read the epilogue, on the blank side of the page he saw a sketch.

The drawing was finely, intricately done in ink and resembled…Diana. The owner of this book had drawn Diana so vividly, yet there were a few differences in the likenesses of the two. This woman had long spools of curly hair spilling over her shoulders and a mole near her gently smiling lips. She was older than Diana must have been when the book was written. She looked like the heroine that had been described in the novel. For some reason, he found himself fixated not in awe or admiration but in mind numbing shock. He could feel the love that went into each stroke of the pen and a knot formed in his stomach the longer he stared. It was uncanny in a house like this, to find anything that should mark vulnerability or simple folly. He recalled an occasion where your father had gifted her a portrait he’d made of her and their daughter. Though two different mediums, the style looked so similar. From what Claude saw, it seemed that your father seldom made art of anyone but Diana. Your father surely had not been so passionate about a throwaway romance that he had ignored his bias and poured so much love into an image of the heroine.

The only one who could be so brazen as to have a romance novel among his books wherein which they lovingly drew an almost intimate image of a woman, worn with the spine slightly bent from being handled so many times— not even properly hidden away, would be your father. Your father who paraded his illegitimate child, born from a mistress. The revelation gave him pause. What did Claude truly know about Diana? He couldn’t remember having ever asked her if she’d known her mother because she so resolutely accepted the countess as her only mother. But this woman sketched onto the page of a well loved romance, was this her mother? She looked as if she could be. Portraits of Diana hung in exposed parts of the house, he did not seem to care that the custom of having an illegitimate child was to have them separate from one’s “official” family, to not love a child born of one’s own lust so openly. Even if one had a particular love of their mistress and child, he would simply put them up in a nice mansion close enough for him to come and go but your father had your mother raising his illegitimate child. He celebrated her birthdays lavishly and even allowed her to go to the academy. He absolutely refused to hide her, to show shame in her. So why was this woman Claude presumed to be Diana’s mother who was clearly beloved by him even now, shut up in the back of a romance novella?

A thought occurred to him then, that perhaps the otherworldly force pulling him into Diana, entangling him in her was not otherworldly at all. Perhaps it had not originated in him alone as some primordial curse formed around him before there even was a him. He thought of just how besotted he was with Diana the first time he met her in each life, how the greater part of him felt foreign. He thought of your mother’s unusually devoted love for a child that wasn’t her’s, a product of her husband’s disloyalty. Something inside him thought that the answer lay at Diana’s feet. In her very blood, he was convinced, was the answer.

Such a tenderly written romance, signed with a carefully drawn illustration of the woman who could be Diana’s mother. The part of “The Princess and The Knight” which struck him so was the bit about the princess possessing capacity for magic. It was not mentioned much nor utilized greatly in the plot but it made an impression. Magic users had decreased over the years, their powers waning until they were unheard of entirely. To anyone else who read the novella, it must have given the story to a bit of fantasy but to Claude, it was almost uncanny. He could not take it for an unassuming romance. To him, the story hid some truth under its veneer, for it was no coincidence that the princess resembled Diana so and that it ended up under the same roof as her, worn with years of eager hands flipping back over the pages. The princess’ power was never described in detail but if she were based on a real woman, then perhaps she had something to do with his situation.

He might’ve gone to Diana right then for answers but he feared his body might be taken over again at any time. He did not want to see her, did not want to feel the familiar paralysis of affection reaching up through his body. He did not want to see himself bed her again while the memory stood frozen in his eyes. Each time he saw her after he’d been set free, he’d worried that it would happen again. That his body would betray his mind and he’d never find anything of substance to end the cycle of misery the two of you shared. And he was committed to the task of trying, even if he could never succeed. He was ready to succumb to the greater sense of careworn madness he found in you.

He decided to explore the unattended corners of your home further, thinking there would be— must be more. If ever Diana’s mother had lived here, someone left a trace that he intended to find. He might’ve asked your father directly but as much as he was a lickspittle, something told him that your father would be afflicted by the same paralysis of mind that he had when he belonged to Diana. Unable to share the love he held for her but unable to hide it either, culminating in a pathetic sort of half-baked defensiveness. He wasn’t likely to get anything out of that, even you hadn’t been able to get anything out of him when he was like that. Worse still, he might try to cover up all that he kept that ever indicated Diana’s mother had lived there once, that she had a name and a face. And then what?

No, it was better this way. Better to find it all before he got the chance to hide any of it.

Your parents were still in the house, seemingly without intention of asking him when he was going to leave but there was still a bit of anxiety in the air when they entered the room. He could tell that they very much wished for him to return to their daughter and make her happy again as she was destined to be. It was awkward that their son-in-law had a longer bereavement than your sister did. But still being the cowardly sycophants they were, they could not ask him to leave for her sake—only “encourage” him by tossing out little updates on Diana. “Diana and our grandchild miss you very much,” “Diana takes ill so easily when she works so hard, we should hope you’ll be well enough to go back to her soon,” “Diana sends her love and wants you to know she’s there for your sake.”

Claude wouldn’t care if Diana’s life hung by a thread and he was all that could spare her, frankly and he brushed off all responsibility in favor of giving himself to his task. It was shameless, he knew, but he’d given up everything inside of the barren, hollow shell of his self to save you. It was a task that had already and would yet again supersede death, birth and the enveloping void he fell backward into each time his life was ended. He waited until they inevitably visited Diana, likely to calm her worries with lukewarm supplications about his grief, to go searching in the other parts of the house uninhibited. For, even if the servants were to tell their lord and lady, he’d already have looked through every corner he intended before they’d have a chance to move things around to better hide them.

He started with Diana’s old room. When he walked in, he was surprised to find it was left exactly as childish as it had been when she was only a young miss. Just the scent of the air turned his stomach, heavy and cloying with a pungent smell of medicine that was still sitting on her night stand in a small white bottle. He frowned as something fell clumsily into place. It hit him like the stray sour note of a violin. He recognized the bottle. Where did he last see this bottle?

For how preoccupied he was with the revelation taking slow form, he did not realize that Felix had entered the room until he heard the distinctive sound of a sword unsheathed. He did not turn.

“Felix.”

“Lord Claude,” Felix acknowledged, his voice struggling to keep its softness. “I might’ve known you’d be here. You truly cannot help yourself, it’s like a sickness.”

“Yes, it is very much like that,” Claude agreed easily. “But I’m not here for what you imagine I am.”

“I’m not so sure it matters, my lord.” Felix’s voice was flat.

“Nor am I. But I need you to let me live just as long as it takes for me to make sense of this.”

Felix went quiet for a moment but nothing about the situation made Claude think it was because the knight was going to hesitate. On the contrary, he was sure that his sword would swing just as neatly. “Do you know where I found my lady chained up, my lord? There are places, you know, that they bring women who had no other place to turn. You must know. You were at her side every night when we brought her back, you saw what toll it took. You saw what had been done.” Felix took a shallow breath. “You’re asking me to spare you so that you can make sense of whatever it is your farce of a marriage is built on? When my lady was given no such pardon? I know you’re the head of your house now, honored knight of the crown and you must think yourself above your treatment of others but I assure you, this will be the last time you ever assume so.”

Claude held still, his voice firm even as fear raged through his body. It was not fear for his life or of Felix’s wrath, it was the fear of failing, yet again, to make any movement in saving you. “I know how you think of me, Felix. I know that I have failed my wife. I know that I deserve to die here and now but even so, I can’t.”

“That is no problem, I’ll do it for you.”

Claude smiled joylessly to himself at the devout knight’s words. How could you have been judged so harshly in that life for wanting to run away with him when he so clearly had a loyalty akin to love for you? “You don’t understand. You cannot possibly. But answer me this, do you know who Diana’s mother is?”

The question puzzled Felix but he stood resolutely, ready at any moment to fell Claude’s head. “Everyone else in this household has care for Lady Diana. My duty was to serve my lady, I was the only one and I did not ever lapse. You’re asking the wrong person.”

“Felix, I do not ask for my wife’s sake. I know how this will sound but I’m trying to find out just what exactly it is that Diana holds over me and everyone else. I’m trying to figure out what exactly she is. You have seen it, haven’t you? The disparity between how people treat my wife and how they treat your lady. Do you think it natural to love a daughter born from an affair more than one’s own?”

He heard Felix laugh bitterly. “You believe her to be a succubus? Is that your excuse?”

“No. I believe her to be something worse.” Claude laughed as well, though his was more hysterical than anything. “She rules everything, Felix. Even in death. No, especially so in death. I have lived this life many times. I have died and returned back to the day that I first met her at the tea party. And when I do, I am taken over by her. It feels like love at first, it really does. But then intrusion. And then a curse. It is a cycle of death and resurrection, for myself and for the lady.”

Felix was silent and Claude continued on. “In one such life, she ran away with you, you know. It was raining the night we found you two. You were holed up in some abandoned cottage out there in the countryside, the one with the patches of white clover in the yard and a missing shingle on the roof.”

“What are you saying?” Felix’s voice wavered with near disbelief at the picture he painted but he held firm.

“My knights killed you where you stood and took the lady back to my manor. Your betrothed visited her. She had asked to speak to the woman who had been responsible for your death. She told me you two had planned to get married once the lady and I were finally married and settled in. She could not even mourn you properly because you were compelled to run away with the lady and killed.”

It is clear that Felix still thought Claude had lost his mind but what shocked him was the truth seeded into his madness. How could he have known the intimate arrangements of their betrothal and marriage when even their families had not known the cause for delay? This was not knowledge he could send an errand boy to fetch him nor an illusion he couldn’t hope to keep up, this was lived. It was memory.

“What does that have to do with Diana?” Diana was more likely a seductress than a sorceress in Felix’s opinion. Such a thing as a time loop, how could a girl so weak and childish create something like it?

Claude turned slightly, slowly toward him. “I don’t know yet myself. That is what I seek to find out. So that I can perhaps end it, for the lady at least. I don’t need anything Felix, not Diana, not my child, not my house. All I need and want is for the lady to stop suffering. I only beg you not to hinder me. When the time comes, I swear I will die on my own.”

Felix had no idea what to make of it all. Much of what Claude said seemed stilted, frantic and half thought. Yet he could not help but feel there was a certain sincerity to be had even in the worthlessness of Claude’s promise. And in any case, he was not entirely unfamiliar with the concept that Claude explained but all that it implied, he was not ready to believe. He sheathed his sword again finally and Claude turned to face him with the medicine bottle in hand. “Have you any idea why this would be in Diana’s room? It’s medicine that the lady took before.”

Felix’s eyes widened slightly in surprise. “It’s used to treat severe infection. It’s not supposed to be used by just anyone who gets ill. Lady Diana should not have needed that medicine, it would take effect like poison if not administered to someone battling a harsh infection. The doctor sent one of the servants to fetch it in town.”

“Yes, but this bottle is dusty, it’s mostly emptied out and the liquid inside it has congealed. It’s been sitting here for years. The medicine inside is aromatic. It has a distinct smell, doesn’t it? The lady’s room still reeks of it even with the windows opened up. Every time I went into Diana’s room when we were young, I smelled it, I tasted it. That means she was not only taking medicine she did not need but taking it regularly.” Claude said aloud, more to himself than to Felix who had bristled at the way he implied he and Diana were. “Was she…ever even sick?”

“Of course she was. Perhaps madame gave her the wrong medicine. She would not have poisoned herself, far be it from me to defend her but she did not desire to be sick. She seemed to envy the lady for her health, as she saw it.”

“…it was the lady’s mother who administered this medicine?” Claude questioned as new pieces fell together in his mind.

“I only know that the madame came to Lady Diana before bed to give her medicine. I do not know that it was that medicine, I did not see it.” Felix paused. “What is the significance, my lord?” He asked, annoyance creeping into his tone at the extensive talk of Diana.

“I intend to find out.”

He had wished to creep into the madame’s bedroom quickly and easily but the door was locked so they’d needed to fetch the key. Claude was shocked at the amount of sway he had over the servants of a house he was not a part of for the head maid simply handed over the key when he asked for it, albeit hesitantly as though she thought she might be scolded for doing so. When he took in the room, it was tidy and rather plain by aristocracy standards. The room seemed to have a chill about it, there was a draft somewhere that made it feel colder than the other rooms.

He began to pick carefully through her things, looking in every corner of the room for anything hidden. It was all mundane, droll and typical until he reached the last drawer of a dresser that was locked. Sure enough, nine bottles of unopened medicine neatly lined into rows of three. When he tried to pull the drawer out all the way and see what more he could find, it was caught on something that had been pressed against the top. Claude reached in to feel for it and pulled down what looked to be a simple leather bound, worn and yellowing journal.

Immediately he began to read. He was a bit startled at himself when he realized that he was eager to read the contents of his mother-in-law’s mind. He wanted to know how she saw you. How she justified treating you the way she did to uplift a child that was not her’s. A pitiful part of him just wanted there to be reason. He wanted cause for the rift in the relationship. He needed to believe there was a because to your suffering.

But what he read was not as he suspected. In neat, small lettering on the first page, it chronicled her life back to when she had been perhaps 19 years old but it was dated some ten years later. A reflection on her younger self written seemingly less as a journal and more a memoir.

“The princess had always been so gracious a mistress that even her tasks sounded like gifts.

When it was her time to return to her duties in her own kingdom, she resigned to it with great grace. However, she understood that the opposite would be true of her beloved knight. This fragile man only smiled in her company, protected her with wild fervor and once told her that he felt divinely guided to her. That to him, she was the symbol of god’s forgiveness and in serving her, loving her, he saw his life’s purpose. Oh, the princess lamented to me how dark a life her knight had lived, how the blood he shed as a knight haunted him with guilt. How his father had been of a violent sort in his efforts to transform his only living child into a knight of some worth to bring more prestige to their house and in his efforts to vent his own turmoil over his wife taking up with men of far more money, status and legacy than he. Her knight resembled his mother and so became the target of the ire he could not give his wife for the great protection being a mistress to such men afforded her. His mother knew what his father did, she did not care so long as it were not her. My heart came to soften for him too, the more she told me.

He had been a quiet man, shy and quite unknowingly sweet for his reputation as a ruthlessly skilled knight. He opened up to my princess like a flower toward the sun. He loved her so madly that she knew even though it was inevitable, he never intended to be where he could not protect her and stand at her side. The princess feared that their duties as princess and heir to a county respectively would give way to the knight’s devotion. She feared he’d kill himself trying to reunite with her or simply deteriorate under the burden of his own isolation but her own life was dedicated to more than just one person. It was her nation, her home of people waiting to see her return that she could not abandon. So in her stead, she asked me to stay in the kingdom and marry him. To give him a countess and to keep watch of him for anything he might do to interfere in both their duties.

It was a great honor she had given me entrusting someone so precious to me and given me a title higher than that I had been born with, I still feel that way now but I was foolish then and I did not understand the nature of what I was being asked to do. Nor would I until after it was already done.

You see (and it does, still pain me to even write such a silly thing), I did, at the time believe that I would become close to my husband. I viewed it as a matter of course, for I was far from a home I could never return to and he had no one. We were, for each other, the last traces of the princess. Though I could never think to hope for the kind of love that he gave to the princess, I believed that commonality could be nurtured into love or kinship. I wished for someone to turn to as my heart was sinking faster than a stone the longer I spent from my home. I believed it would happen. I believed he would become someone to lean on.

Though the first months of our marriage were cold, I managed to coax him into trying to have children as was our duty. I saw this as progress both in the way of our relationship as well as keeping him from the princess. I viewed even our coldness then as a sign of something beginning. It was only once, afterward, I think he worked very hard so that I would not ask him to do it again. But even so, I found that I was with child soon. I was a stupid girl then, I believed a child was what we needed to grow closer. I brought this news to him with a smile, I must have looked like an idiot.

My husband’s expression, I can never forget it. He was horrified at this revelation. He looked at me as though I’d announced a death. He looked at me as though I had wounded him. Then his beautiful eyes sparkled with unshed tears and his expression reverted to a weak, helpless smile as he said all the right things in his wavering voice.

It was then that I realized he would never love me. He was horrified at having a child with me, it was sheer terror and dread on his face when I told him. Perhaps he thought that I would not become pregnant at all, he would have preferred it that way. I hadn’t the relationship with him to truly comfort him, to know intimately what he feared about my child. I was useless in that way.

Through the following months, my apprehension was near unbearable. I kept feeling my stomach sink in dread, I kept waking up thinking that I would be home. I kept thinking that I had done something irreparable but I could think of nothing which was actually within my control. Therefore, when I finally gave birth, my relief that it was done with was greater than my joy. But that was alright with me because I had intended to deal with things in my own way."

From there, she went on to describe her rigid attention to being a diligent countess for a few droll pages. But at last, Claude came to another thing of significance. Your father had been summoned to court for political matters regarding the civil unrest which had not been quelled with the end of the war. Your mother could not follow him and leave a newborn alone so she had no choice but to simply trust in your father. She would come to regret that.

"My princess appeared like a bolt out of the blue months later. She was dressed as a peasant and had a somewhat bashful smile on her lips. Although I had missed her, all that I could think in seeing her was, "She should not be here."

But we brought her to the study so that presumably, she would tell us why she had returned when she had surely sworn that she could not. She took off her cloak and then I understood without her needing to tell me. I saw a little bump on her otherwise thin body and I was overcome. When my husband had returned to court, he had not been officially permitted to see my princess but they had met anyway and she was now with child. She had waited until she was just about to start beginning to show in order to take leave from court on the pretense of recovering from illness at her villa in the countryside.

I had been given the task of minding him but I had clearly failed. I should have gone with him no matter what. I should have taken the chance and left my child so that I could have prevented this. But my princess looked at me as faultless and took my hands in hers to assure me that she regretted nothing. She comforted my husband who apparently also knew nothing about this pregnancy until then. She knew his fears like the back of her hand, she knew exactly how to soothe them as I hadn't. He did not even have to speak. She simply knew.

Until then, I had not known that my husband dreaded having children for fear they would be cursed and afflicted with the same moral decay that his own parents had; and because he feared that having a child would bring the same thing out of him. Even if I had known, the princess was the perfect one to comfort him. She asked him if he believed a child born of her could be wicked and of course, he said no. She spun such sugary images of their child together for him with her eyes shining with joy. She told him that their child was special, that she did not fear him becoming a parent like his own because their child would change everything about being a father for him. It surely helped that my princess was glowing as she said such things, that the excitement radiating off of her grew stronger with each passing moment. He could not deny her, could not bring himself to contradict her words because he would always believe in her even if he did not believe in himself.

It went unsaid that the princess would be entrusting the child to the both of us. I had much apprehension about taking care of two babies rather than one and the secrets to be kept piling up above me but I could not complain, it had been my job for years to make everything work. I could not stop then when my princess needed me most. In any case, her presence in the manor brought life to a place that had become so eerie to me. She was the only flame in the dark and we were huddled around her, trying to preserve an ounce of warmth within ourselves. She was joyful through her pregnancy, she could not stop talking about the baby she was to have. The more she chattered, the more excited I became too as though I had any right to be. This was true of my husband too, who tentatively felt the kicks of his child and smiled, genuinely smiled as the princess did. I could see that he loved that child.

She slept in the master bedroom with him, after he left each day, I went in to help her get ready for the day. It was though I was still her maid and I suppose I wanted to be, would rather be that than a wife. But I could not bring myself to complain. I was not unlike my husband, I viewed my duties to the princess as somewhat sacred. I was as honored as I was anxious to raise the child.

On the day Diana was born, my husband was at my princess' side the entire time, as though he could protect her as her knight again. I could only marvel at him. When I had given birth, he stood at the foot of the bed stiffly and asked me what I intended to name our daughter, if I was alright and then told me that if I needed anything to have the butler prepare it at once. After Diana was born, my princess was still beautiful, perhaps even more so in her vulnerability. She held the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, close to her chest as my husband looked down at the both of them with sheer joy. It was as though all the happiness in the world existed between those three. My Diana had been born out of love and so it was easy to love her.

I left my own daughter to the maids in favor of caring for Diana when the princess rested. Her little ruby eyes and her head of soft blonde hair captivated me. Each coo or cry had my focus in a fraction of a second.

I had not yet considered the greater implications of her birth until my princess brought it to me. Diana had been born with an inordinate affinity for magic. The princess, as a member of the royal family had the capacity of a mage, it was kept secret through the death of magic that through her bloodline were those capable of miracles. I only knew after years of my proximity to the princess. This child, born in the time of civil unrest, when the queen had not yet been blessed with a child and the civil war had still bitterly divided the houses, was capable of being seen as a potential figurehead that could be used as a pawn in a new round of rebellion.

It was for me and my husband to put her above all things. Above even our own child. That, to me, went without saying for I did love Diana as my own daughter. But the princess knew that anything could happen and she used all of the strength of her magic to cast a spell over her that would be held with Diana's own great magic. My princess nearly expended all her energy to do so. Magic, she had once told me, was seen as a weak form of power because it relied so greatly upon emotion. It was the transformation of want into will. I knew not the details of the spell which bound my mistress' daughter. All my princess said was that her precious Diana would live happily, that for all the odds against her, she still had odds in her favor."

Claude felt numb as he turned the pages. He was in shock, suddenly the environment of the room felt too harsh and stimulating but he was glued to the journal. He could not dare stop reading it no matter what truths arose. So he flipped the page and read every single entry even as his hands trembled.

From then on, it was Diana, Diana, Diana. With each entry, she recorded a measurement which he assumed was the amount of medicine administered and her symptoms. She fretted over whether it was right to give her more or to give her less. She wrote about denying Diana's requests to go outside, to go to the theatre, to do much of anything besides stay in bed. It chilled him to the bone but more than that, perplexed him. He was staring at a page where your mother had seemed to write sloppily, hurried and anxious when he heard a voice.

"Lord Claude?" It was your mother, standing in the doorway.

He looked slowly up at her, at a loss for words and unable to reconcile the cold mother she was to you with her joy at being Diana's proxy mother. Unable, still, to understand why she was poisoning the daughter she loved so much.

"My lord, you should not be in here," she said softly but in her blank expression, it was apparent that she knew what he was there for. "It will look strange to others, for you to do something like this."

"You poisoned Diana," He was keenly aware of how delicately she was trying to dance around this subject but he was unwilling to indulge her.

Your mother did not even blink. "You must understand me, Lord Claude. Please understand."

"What is there to understand? You neglect your own daughter and fawn over your husband's illegitimate daughter only to poison her."

Your mother shook her head slowly as if she could not believe what he was implying. "I love that girl," she said, moving deeper into the room and shutting the door behind her. "Diana is my little princess. She is my only daughter."

A rush of rage ran up his body, carrying an unbearable desire to hurt her. "She's not your daughter at all. She's the daughter of a woman far more beloved than you."

But your mother could only smile helplessly. "Yes, but even so, she is my daughter in heart. You must trust me when I say that Diana was hopeless before."

"Hopeless?" His brow furrowed and a cold feeling creeped up his back, extinguishing his fury and replacing it with a kind of fear for the woman in front of him. "She wasn't hopeless, she was able to wed me, to live happily." He said it not as a defense of her but as an accusation.

"That poor girl. In the first place, she already had a weak constitution, because her magic was stronger than her body but it was the perfect excuse to keep inside and away from the eyes of those who would want to hurt her. But it was my eldest daughter who kept planting false hope in her. She even sent Diana before my husband to beg him to let her go to the academy because she knew very well he could not say no to her." There was venom in her voice, a sneer on her face. Claude rose to stand slowly, not knowing what he was going to do.

"He cannot say no to Diana because he loves her so, no, he loves her mother so," she sighed. "All the other one did was cause troubles. Diana had already given up but she roused such hope in the girl, false hope, cruel hope. If she had not been able to marry you...I do not know how we would have protected her. If my daughter was still alive, everything would be ruined. It was you who saved her, my lord. That is why I beg of you, don't judge me. You know that Diana is special. You must know."

"I did not want to save her, she did not need to be saved."

She remained with that pitiful smile on her face. "My husband is weak to her. He will...he will never forgive what I've done to our- his little princess. He won't understand. He will think that I have killed my princess. You know, he almost sees them as one in the same." She reached onto her desk, picking up a letter opener. "Diana will be hurt if she knows. I ask that you let the girl live her life believing as I told her. She deserves that much. I let her believe what I did because it was in her best interest. Please take care of her."

Before he could react, your mother plunged the sharp end of the letter opener into her throat.

tags: @kage-tobiuo@kreishin @rosephantomhive@yeahdrarry@splaterparty0-0 @dear-dairiesss @qluvrv @hafsuhhh @eissaaaa @ayolk @doan-19 @fourcefulcupid@ariachaos@cerisearan@irisspade@yaesflorist@jcrml@xiaosprettygf@yevenly@amaris08atoshi012022 @obsessed-with-a-fictional-man @softbummiee@cassanderasblog @waka-babe @bananatwirl@s1mp69 @mitsuyamistress @hottiewifeyyyy @reiko69 @syyyy4ever @pinkpastel-l @dododododooosworld @gwyneveire @mvoonxlightv @noisyenthusiastface @coldpeachkitten @brightykitten @worstliving

#claude x reader #wmmap x reader #claude de alger x reader #claude de alger obelia x reader #wmmap fanfic

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elvensorceress · 1 month

Text

wip wednesday

tagged by @diazsdimples @hoodie-buck @theotherbuckley @wikiangela @spotsandsocks @exhuastedpigeon @hippolotamus @daffi-990 (though I think these were mostly for Tuesday so consider this me also tagging you for Wednesday 😘💕) tagging @eddiebabygirldiaz @evanbegins @ebdaydreamer @shortsighted-owl @messyhairdiaz @wh0re-behavi0r @rogerzsteven @loveyouanyway @bekkachaos @giddyupbuck @tizniz @disasterbuckdiaz @epicbuddieficrecs @transboybuckley @spaceprincessem @confetti-cupcake @heartshapedvows @monsterrae1 @loserdiaz more Unless firefam silliness that directly follows this scene 💕

“Okay, enough stalling,” Chim waves a hand to redirect their attention. “So far we have heard nothing about what happened after the party and what came of our intervention and what is going on with the two of you?” He points at both Buck and Eddie for emphasis. Like he means business.

Eddie just turns to look at Buck. “Intervention?”

Buck makes a face and waves it off. “It was— I’ll tell you later,” he says to Eddie and then addresses Hen and Chim. “What do you want to know about our private personal lives that are private and personal and none of your business?”

Hen and Chim make identical groaning noises.

“Oh, suddenly you’re not going to say anything?”

“It’s personal and private now but not when we have to hear about infamous firehose escapades?”

“You go on about the reporter and the dispatcher—”

“—and snake lady and all the yoga teachers and bartenders and dancers and surfers and cowboys and cowgirls and poor, unfairly slandered Lucy—”

“But not about this?”

“We have to hear disturbing details for weeks, months, years but now you want to plead the fifth?”

“We have to suffer through that and you won’t even tell us what we want to know?”

“We’re your squad goals family!”

From where he’s sitting, Eddie can clearly see Bobby rubbing at his forehead and possibly contemplating prayer. If that is a thing that can be ascertained by an expression. Eddie’s pretty sure it is. At least where Bobby is concerned.

“It’s only fair,” Hen says. “If you’ve finally realized you’re both epically in love with each other in a way that puts all tales of fictional love to shame because the both of you—”

“Buck mostly,” Chim clarifies and then says to Eddie. “We had to intervene because red alert reporter demon and questionable 2.0 decisions and did you know he went and broke poor Ravi? Ravi couldn’t take it anymore. He went back to B shift. That’s where he went.”

Bobby chimes in to very patiently say, “Ravi chose to switch a few shifts because Eddie is back and we still have to figure out a good schedule for everyone while Harper is on maternity leave and Jackson is recovering from a broken arm and Bailey is out on her national guard rotation.”

“Nuh uh,” Chim eloquently argues. “You were there. You saw it. Buck and the red alert reporter broke him.”

“Both of you,” Hen persists as if there has been no interruptions. “Are driving us insane with this oblivious, ‘he doesn’t love me, we can’t be together’ thing. So, I think you owe us some information.”

“I swear if you two haven’t figured out something here,” Chim gives them a frazzled, frantic, desperate look. “I don’t know what we’re going to do.” He turns in his seat and leans around the edge toward the front. “Cap, what are we going to do?”

Bobby glances back at them, and he could easily disclose that they both signed certain paperwork already only moments ago. Because he knew even without them saying anything. But Bobby just shrugs and nonchalantly turns and faces forward. And probably prays for peace and quiet for them all.

Leaving the choice to them.

read on to part 3

#buddie #wip wednesday #buddie wip #jenwyn wip #fic: unless you ask me to #911fic #yes I have been watching the rookie what of it shhhh

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tmzrkstan · 10 months

Text

nct dream as teen romances.

•----------••----------••----------••----------••-------•

★warnings: maybe cursing, relationship between minors (legal).

★genre: fluff, romantic tropes, (kinda of) korean school trope.

•----------••----------••----------••----------••-------•

★Mark:

•Not just a boyfriend, also a bandmate;

•Beeing raised abroad gave him an advantage to join the band (english speaker), and of course, his ability with music;

•You and your friends found everything that were looking for to complete what became a kinda famous band in the city;

•Don't took long for you two get along and spend some afternoons with his guitar and a composition book: "You did in a few days what the music did in my whole life."

•When the relantionship became official you just couldn't separate from each other;

•The lovely looks during performances, dates in karaokes and make out sessions at the "backstage" were always present;

•"We can't be sure about the band future, but I know we're never splitting up."

★Renjun:

• The boy admired you for a long time from afar;

•When he heard from a friend that you were looking for a boyfriend he gained courage;

•He had to miss some afternoons and even morning classes in order to finish a project to win you over;

•That's why you found a drawing of you made by hand, which was noticeable the use of watercolor, and behind it, his initials;

•You soon realized who it was from and decided to text him, which led to a sleepless night with your cell phone;

•Without taking too long to return the feelings, you started dating and he nicknamed you as his "muse";

•You can be sure that your dates would always end with you taking a drawing home, whether on a small canvas or on a napkin from the restaurant you went to;

•"The best part of drawing you is being able to look at you as much as I want."

★Jeno:

•If it wasn't for the jock who falls in love with the cheerleader, I'd be lying;

•Despite his popularity, he had to struggle to get the attention of everyone on the team, which led to him crashing several rehearsals;

•He made his interest obvious when he scored a decisive point in the game and dedicate it to you in front of the whole school;

•The minute I became his girlfriend, the whole school would suffer because of you two, like the team being forced to participate in his surprises, the game being stopped for you to kiss each other at each point;

•Despite the masculine and strong exterior, inside he looked like a puppy running after his owner, he was completely passionate and silly. It's visible how he would try to help you with the cheerleading thing;

•"So, the deal is if I win the game tonight, I got a make out session for as long as I want?"

★Haechan:

•At first, no one could tell if you were friends or not;

•You competed with everything you could for years now, Hyuck knew how to make you lose and made a point of winning every time, whether in a test, sports or any activity;

•One day you got tired of it all, making it clear to him that you didn't care about it anymore, and that sent him into a fit;

•His friends consoled him that this was his final victory, but he knew well that he wanted to win you instead. Pride made him say nothing 'till the moment;

•He chased you for days and you just ran, until you had no choice when he pinned you to the wall of an empty hallway: "You really are very stupid for not understanding what I wanted all of this time";

•Sure had a lot more drama until yall finally bring fellings out and started dating, a relationship full of silly little fights and a lot of teasing on both sides, this time with some kisses, caresses and loving words in between;

•"I admit you won, look who you made fall in love with you."

★Jaemin:

•You had your reasons and he had an (toxic) ex he wanted to win back, a little gossip going around and you ended up in a fake relationship;

•The plan was doing great, everyone was getting what they wanted, or at least what you thought that you wanted;

•After weeks of "fake" dates, talking about your lives, sharing secrets and dreams, Jaemin couldn't care less when his ex showed up at his house: "Sorry, but There's no way, I'm completely in love with her."

•When he realized this, appeared the other day at school with a huge bouquet and an even bigger smile stating that dating would no longer be fake;

•You thought he could take it back later, but the kisses and declarations of love he gave you made it clear how right he was about It;

•"In the very first minute of our deal, my feelings already became real, it would be impossible not to."

★Chenle:

•It's not like anyone was really forbidding it, like arresting you at home or hiring a security guard to follow you around, but your parents made it clear that they were against it;

•His family, more modest, did not agree with the luxurious way that Chenle lived with his, who preferred that his son was with someone more similar;

•They imagined that this was going to happen, that's why they even took a while to start dating, but when they got together, there was nothing he wouldn't do for you;

•The boy was used to always getting what he wanted, and this time it would be no different, he would just have to change his strategy, like going on hidden dates, finding empty places at school and running away at midnight, it made everything harder, but more exciting;

•"You can't give up on us, it's hard right now, but I promisse I'll make it worth it."

★Jisung:

•You two been friends since the first day you can remember;

•Always inseparable, if one wasn't welcome in a group of friends then the other wouldn't even consider staying in it;

•They faced everything together, all the first experiences, like tests, graduations, parties, simply everything. Even first love, which Jisung took a long time to realize when feelings changed;

•He freaked out every time he saw some guy trying to hit on you, or when you seemed interested in another one, but he didn't want to confess and look like a silly teen that ruins the friendship;

•You're the one who had to admit you liked him first, or you'd never start dating. And everyone, including the families, loved it.

•It doesn't changed much in reality, apart from the kissing/toching and your parents no longer letting you stay alone in your bedroom for so long.

•"I can't wait to spend my whole with my best friend."

•----------••----------••----------••----------••-------•

author: Hope yall like It<3

#nct #kpop #imagine #nct dream #nct dream imagines #park jisung #mark lee #haechan #jaemin #lee jeno #renjun #chenle #nct dream x reader #kpop imagines #nct dream reactions #romantic tropes

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gabrielsbubblegumbitch · 3 months

Note

tw // suicide mention

I saw your post about Vox committing suicide, and seeing as you are a fellow angst fan, would you care to elaborate? 👀

I would like to preface all my posts on headcanons related to psychology and mental illness with a disclaimer: diagnosing mental conditions, especially personality disorders, can be extremely challenging. It's a complicated process that relies heavily on a psychologist's interpretation of facts, making it susceptible to biases. Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed based on surface-level observations and are not just labels that we can assign to people like in the case of MBTI. Additionally, I am not a clinician with any expertise in diagnosing people. Therefore, the following post should not be taken as a reliable professional opinion. It's simply my interpretation of the internal mechanisms that may be responsible for the behavior of certain characters in my fan fiction. Furthermore, I want to make it clear that I have no intention of stigmatizing people with personality disorders by associating them with villains. A personality disorder does not determine someone's character or make them a bad person. Some characters may be evil because of the choices they make, not as a result of their mental conditions.

So, you probably know I headcanon Vox as suffering from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). People with NPD can experience something called narcissistic collapse. It is not a professional psychiatric term, but it's widely used to describe the situation when a narcissist's weaknesses and flaws are revealed to the outside world, and they can no longer uphold their perfect Self image. It might sound a little silly to someone who's never experienced it or even something fair, simply the truth winning out, the pathological deceiver finally being exposed. But let me tell you, this is genuinely a terrifying feeling. While experiencing it, people may act like wounded animals. They can exhibit anger outbursts, act impulsively, go into depressive episodes, and make various desperate attempts to rebuild their perfect Self that are usually harmful to others.

But sometimes, the revealed truth is so ugly that the image cannot be rebuilt. It can make people suicidal because they'd rather die than live as someone hated, since love and admiration are what keep them going. So, yeah, Vox did something terrible (can't tell you what for now but here you can get some idea), and the consequences for his reputation were so damaging and irreversible that he decided there's no point in living anymore if it means experiencing his own downfall from grace.

#hazbin hotel #vox #vox hazbin hotel #headcanon #ask

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justaboot · 1 year

Text

Okay but the thing about DT is that they’re related, but it’s still a found family. No one fills a traditional role, there is no nuclear family, and thats what makes it all so much more powerful, is that everyone had to chose and fight to have that role.

“Donald is the triplets’ dad,” no, he’s not. That’s the point. He’s their uncle, and was always gonna be their uncle, even when everything was all sunshine and roses they were all going to be growing up in the mansion together. But he’s not their dad, he’s their clumsy, lame-ass, too-loud, long suffering uncle, and that doesn’t make that role any less influential and important, because he had a choice, and gave up everything to raise them safely.

Della should have been a given, but they didn’t get that chance, so what would have been a no-brainer became an uphill war to get home to the only traditional family spot, one they left open for her. She wanted it and fought for it in a way that bio-parents traditionally don’t have to. And the kids fought for her, too. She wasn’t taken for granted, and they fought to have a relationship with her memory before they even knew she was still alive. Once she came back, they had to start fresh, and you have to want it to make it work, and they did.

And I know I’ve got kind of a brand with my writing, but Scrooge isn’t, and was never, the twins’ father. He’s, again, their uncle. We didn’t seem much of Donald, (he was caught up in his own grunge thing,) but he had his rich uncle back and forth thing with Scrooge, and Della made him up as some god-king that she had to unlearn later, but they had a relationship offscreen pre-series. We’ll never know in canon what happened to their household, but he was an influence outside of their nuclear family, and he chose to take them in when they couldn’t be with their mother and father anymore. He went out of his way to raise them, and was he the best parent? No, of course not. But he brought them in. They were just his kids, and he let that be a complete sentence.

I could talk endlessly about Webby’s found role in the family. Bentina’s not Webby’s mom, she’s her Granny. (I’m not looking at the finale, I don’t know her.) She took her in. Webby’s not the triplets’ sister, they took her in. Donald grouped her in immediately. Della never knew any different, and how different is 4 from 3 anyway? You literally watch Scrooge decide to be her uncle onscreen. (fine I’m looking at the finale-Choice is endlessly more significant than sharing DNA. “He’s her dad,” girl he already chose her, you’re undermining everything, he didn’t chose to have a daughter, he loved a little girl enough to make her his niece, it’s enough.)

LP was at their first Christmas together. They loved him enough to call him family. They loved Lena enough to call her family. Dude, even Goldie, she’s not Louie’s mother figure, shes a mentor. She’s some cranky old bitch from Canada who accidentally let slip she has a heart, and who she is was enough for them to keep dragging her back until it stuck.

No one was taken for granted. They literally made their own family. It’s enough. Send tweet.

#donald duck #della duck #Huey Duck #Dewey Duck #Louie Duck #Webby Vanderquack #scrooge mcduck #ducktales 2017 #Its my day off and I have feelings

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admirableadmiranda · 1 year

Text

Sometimes it feels like the main message that a lot of people miss in MDZS in their leaps to justify one character’s hatred for another or attempting to remove them from the world because they will never be at peace until that person is completely eradicated, is that it poses a question of “how much blood does it take to satisfy the anger? How much death is necessary to live? How much pain that you want to inflict is truly equal to what you have suffered? Where is the line between justice, vengeance and murder?”

MDZS does not have our modern sensibilities and laws for such a thing, and it’s on purpose. It’s set in a time where there is no emperor or god onscreen to merit out justice or retribution, it’s all in the hands of the mortals. They get to decide how much is enough.

And the thing that so many people miss is that for almost every character (and I will include Wei Wuxian in this with a caveat) go too far at some point. Sure, the desire to kill your brother’s killer is understandable. But what about the people who you harm in that path? Nie Huaisang does end up taking down Jin Guangyao, but the cost is that Qin Su also dies, destroyed even before her death by the reality of what the men around her will stoop to do out of pride and anger, what they will use her for in the process.

Why do I stand so firmly against the people who say that Jin Guangyao and Jiang Cheng had their reasons, that they were right to go as far as they did? Because the text itself does take the time to show us what is reasonable in that world and what is greedy, wrathful, unjustified.

Jiang Cheng has every right to hate the men who invaded his home and killed his family. In the natures of their society it is not wrong for him to step him and take revenge against them. The supervisory camps in Yunmeng were built on the blood of his people. I have no qualm with him removing them from his land, even though it ends in their deaths.

But that does not mean that his righteous war should extend to all who bear the Wen name and that is where the gap comes in. Wen Chao had him tortured and his golden core crushed. By the rules of that world as extolled by Xiao Xingchen when talking to Xue Yang, it is reasonable to take back what was done to him in blood there.

But Wen Ning is not Wen Chao. Wen Ning risked his life, his sister’s life and ultimately ended up contributing to Wen Ruohan’s campaign toppling and ending in dust because when he was offered the choice to either stick by his family or stick by his morals, he chose the former. The Wen’s attack on Lotus Pier was wrong. The lives they took were unjustified. Their actions were deplorable.

By standing up and protecting Jiang Cheng in the way he does, smuggling him back out of Lotus Pier and hiding him away from the Wen who would kill him, he is declaring that his own family is in the wrong, and instead makes a sacrifice that could have had him and his sister killed should Wen Ruohan ever find out about it.

Jiang Cheng knows this. This is where the right of hatred falls flat. This is where his righteous anger becomes a hunger for blood that will never be satiated.

Now I’m not saying that Jiang Cheng should hug and kiss Wen Ning for everything. There are limits to what humans can endure, even ones as good as Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. But he refuses to ever acknowledge what he knows. He refuses to ever act in kind. He owes a debt and he knows it. And he instead not only refuses to pay it by not necessarily taking them into his lands, but even acknowledging that they did anything. He buries them with their family and his words. He lets his hatred overwhelm all else.

He was not powerless at the end of the war. Far from it, in fact! He had a sect that was still rebuilding its forces, but it had been three years since the start of the war so it can’t be tiny anymore, and he had Wei Wuxian with the Yin Hufu. The only two necromancers in the world, who are powerful enough to hold whole barriers on their own. This is the whole point of the display at Phoenix Mountain. Wei Wuxian is showing the other three great clans and all the smaller clans that it does not matter how many of them they have, Yunmeng Jiang has him and while they have him, they are untouchable. This is a known fact.

Jiang Cheng would have faced no long term retribution from doing anything. He could have simply let Wei Wuxian pull them out of the Jin indoctrination camp and take them through Yunmeng to somewhere else and after some grumbling and some pleading on Jin Guangshan’s part, nothing would have happened. Wei Wuxian is too strong and the other clans are too aware of that. No one was safer than Yunmeng Jiang at the end of the war.

That is why the Jin play off of his jealousy and anger and get him to throw aside Wei Wuxian. It is literally their only option.

This brings me to the other half of my discussion, which is where does the bloodshed end? What is enough spilled blood?

If Jiang Cheng hates Wei Wuxian enough to try to kill him, then this should be a vengeance that ends with Wei Wuxian’s death. Death ends all obligations. We owe no more money, we settle no more debts, we leave the shackles of the living in life and the dead move on as do the living.

So why then is it acceptable that Jiang Cheng spends the next thirteen years killing people that remind him of Wei Wuxian? That the moment that Wei Wuxian does return, his first action is to try and kill him again? That he tortures him multiple times and it is only Lan Wangji’s presence and Jin Ling’s quick thinking that save him on those occasions? By all rights including our modern ones, Wei Wuxian should be free and Jiang Cheng should have moved on in thirteen years. Thirteen years is long enough to raise a child almost to adulthood, but Jiang Cheng clings to a hatred that has had no outlet for that long and continues to try and demand Justice that he has already received.

Where is the line? When is enough? Why does the blood of innocents have to be paid too for the hunger of the mighty? Wen Ruohan subtly assassinated Nie Mingjue’s father, but Nie Mingjue decided that there was only to be death for anyone related to the Wen. They didn’t have to do anything, even if they tried to stop him it wouldn’t be enough. Only the death of every Wen would slake that hunger, and then in death when he is driven only by that hunger, only the death of every Jin. Including the ones who weren’t even old enough to hold a sword at the time he died. Jin Ling is as good as Jin Guangyao for Nie Mingjue to kill. All that matters is that he’s connected. All that matters is that there is another body to feed the never ending hate that fills him.

Xiao Xingchen says that for Xue Yang to take a finger or an arm from the man who harmed him as a child is reasonable. Even to kill him if that is truly the only way to end his hatred. But what is a finger to an entire family? “Because it is mine!” Declares Xue Yang and this is where the crux of it lies. “It is my hatred, it is my anger. It is my right to kill anyone because I am angry and I refuse to let it go.” This is the trait that Jiang Cheng, Jin Guangyao and Xue Yang all share. “I am angry and I am hurt so it is my right to do as I will and no one should take that away from me or I will hurt them too.”

This is why they are antagonists. This is why two of the three of them end up dead. This is why Jiang Cheng staying his hand in the temple and Wei Wuxian’s mercy towards him is the only reason that he survives the end. You can’t ask the world to feed your endless hatred. Eventually you will hurt the wrong person and by the very laws that you and the world have set, will come for you. There is no such thing as bloodshed without pain. There are people who will miss those who are gone. And not all of them will be as good as Lan Wangji. Not all of them will move forward in their lives and ignore you. Sometimes the oriole will stalk you in the shadows, waiting for the moment the praying mantis slips up. The wheel ever turns and those on the bottom eventually rise up.

Now as for Wei Wuxian, we see a different answer on him from the others and this is where his morals really come into play. Cause at first he does exact justice for those lost at Lotus Pier. Steps in which the narrative does not fully condemn him, but suggests lightly that it is the sort of thing that he does not linger in, as well as he himself looks back and decides that maybe he did go too far then. Maybe he did do too much in the name of anger and justice. Three months after the event he is willing to kill and torture Wen Zhuliu and Wen Chao. But three years later he looks at the members of the family that killed his and goes “I do not love you. But this is not right. You do not deserve this. I will not let you suffer this any longer even though your name is Wen.”

For Wei Wuxian, the line ends at the end of war, at the deaths of those who directly caused him the most pain. He does not necessarily forgive or absolve. But he does recognize that there is no sense in continuing the bloodshed or allowing others to continue it out of some misplaced sense of vengeance. He is offered a chance to stop the wheel and he tries. He tries so goddamn hard. He tries until it kills him and everyone else he protects because the anger of the rest is too wrapped up in their self righteousness to examine what is reasonable and what is the cost for what they do.

I do not exonerate the Lan here, but I do point out that they at least actually make an attempt to change things afterwards. We see it in the way that Lan Wangji continues to act in the world. We see it in the way that Lan Xichen stops and reconsiders what he knows of Wei Wuxian, and helps him when the wheel attempts to spin back to where it was before. Where the juniors go out hunting on their own to help people of all kinds. They find weird mysteries and they follow them, they are kind to all. It does not absolve what they have done in the past, it does not make them blameless.

But it is a start. And one that Jiang Cheng has not taken. If he had, we wouldn’t be having these debates and arguments about what is a reasonable enough amount of death and destruction that he can cause on account of his past.

This is where the line is.

Modaozushi asks the question of how much death is enough and concludes at the line “when you continue to court death to satisfy your anger, you will eventually find death standing at your door too.” It happens to Xue Yang, who after killing Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing and everyone in Yi City, finds A-Qing’s ghost leading those who can end his hurting of others for good. It happens to Jin Guangyao who assassinates and hurts so many people that Nie Huaisang finds allies in Mo Xuanyu, Sisi and Bicao, all of whom are willing to help him drag Jin Guangyao to the depths by the chains of his reputation.

Jiang Cheng is offered another chance. Leave Wei Wuxian alone and move forwards with his life. At the end of the book he accepts that chance. It is probably the last one he will get, but he accepts it. This is why he finishes out the book alive no matter how much blood he has on his hands. You can always change your actions until you are dead.

This is the question that Modaozushi posits and answers to all of us and to which I now offer to you when you consider the actions in story. What is enough? How much blood must be spilled before you are happy?

Why does it matter to you that those who are hurt are allowed to hurt without consequence? Where do you draw the line when all of those who caused you pain in the past are buried?

What is the price that you demand for your happiness? When is there enough blood on your hands to be happy?

When do you say “there has been enough death. I will stop this here and now because it is enough.”

Will you be the hero or the antagonist in someone else’s story?

#mdzs #wei wuxian #lan wangji #canon jiang cheng #jin guangyao #xue yang #discussion of antagonists #the cycles of vengeance #long post

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lookismstuff · 9 months

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Lookism Webtoon/Manhwa is Still About Lookism, After All

Added some new analysis. SPOILERS ALERT.

I read many complaints that Lookism webtoon/manhwa isn't about lookism anymore (some even call it "fightism" or "gangism"). I respectfully beg to disagree, since I think the manhwa/webtoon is still a story about lookism, despite the genre shift. I recently binge-read the webtoon/manhwa for about three weeks, so maybe that's why I can spot the threads of the lookism theme across the story.

If you want to read about the current arcs, please read point B right away.

A. Lookism in its basic definition (early arcs)

Spotlight Characters

1.Daniel

Lookism is "societal discrimination based on looks or perceived notion of beauty". As we all know, this concept can easily be applied to the case of Daniel (Hyungseok). With his second body, Daniel could access the things he previously couldn't even dream of: becoming a model, a singer, even a trainee, finding friends, crushes, etc.

2. Crystal, Duke, Aru,Jasmine, Yui and Zoe

Crystal (Soojung)'s smaller body and Duke (Deokhwa) experienced discrimination based on their looks. Others used their looks or appearance to manipulate others, like Aru (the singer of PTJ Company), or Jasmine (Youngmi), the girl who framed Vasco for theft. Yui and Zoe (Haneul) had to "sell" more than looks as streamers (they had to dress and act provocatively even though they're minors).

3. Vasco and Burn Knuckles

People like Vasco and the rest of the Burn Knuckles suffer from being stigmatized as coarse criminals simply because of their looks, tattoos and built, when actually they're really kind people.

4. The Stalker

The stalker ended up getting the attention she craved after putting on some makeup, making her look pretty even though she's a hideous criminal inside and outside.

So the school/trainee/daily life chapters of Lookism are very straightforward about what lookism is and about its impacts. Maybe that's why some readers think that the lookism theme stops there. But actually the theme stays even after the genre shifts to scifi/thriller/action.

B. Lookism and Its Further Consequences (later arcs)

Ever since the genre shifted, the manhwa/webtoon expanded its notion of lookism into further observation on its consequences.

Let's see.

1.Juvenile Prison and Jiho's Last Moment Arcs

Jiho

In his desperation, Jiho sought for societal acceptance through a series of crimes. He kept making the wrong choices just because he felt victimized and alienated (from lookism reasons). He ended up in a vicious mentality as a tragic, suicidal murderer.

2. Hostel Arc

Spotlight Characters

Eli

Eli (Jang Hyun)'s studies hairdressing, benefits from his gentle looks and mannerisms. So people previously always excluded him from the list of J (Jaewon) High gangsters (unlike Vasco, Zack (Jinsung), Logan (Taesung), Burn Knuckles members) before the God Dog crew came to find him. Had he dressed, talked, and looked like a gang member, many people would've distanced themselves from him from the get go.

Olly

On the other hand, Olly (Ochun / Ohchun), who at times acted and looked unhinged, started out as a sheltered kid who was starving for attention and kindness. People were scared of him but he didn't start out that way, and he made himself scary, ironically, to gain some footing in the world that Eli lived in and later abandoned.

In Eli and Olly's case, the former benefited from lookism while the latter was disadvantaged by it, that until their respective backgrounds were revealed people never knew that they were biased towards these two.

Sally and Warren

Sally (Serim) is perceived as a rich princess just because of her looks and her rumored wealth, but is actually a very lonely child who lives alone in a shabby place. Warren (Wonseok) is rumored and regarded as a scary school thug but is actually a brave and protective orphan. The two characters suffer from prejudices that are rooted in lookism.

3. Fourth, Third and Second Affiliate Arcs

Spotlight Characters

Vivi and Mitsuki

In the Third and Second Affiliate of Workers (Ilhae) arcs, people like Vivi and Mitsuki benefit from their wealth and beauty that they (almost) got away with horrible crimes that range from illicit drug use, manufacture, and trade, multiple counts of sexual assaults, human trafficking, and abduction. In a lookism-based society, the rich and privileged could benefit more when they are also beautiful.

Jake (and Daniel)

During the Third Affiliate Arc, Jake (Gimyung) was allowed to enter Vivi's nightclub and work there mainly because he doesn't look like a minor. While Daniel wasn't allowed, until he shows the Workers pin that Gun (Jonggun) gave him. They're both minors but only Daniel was suspected, because of how different they look, showing a bias caused by lookism.

Ms. Raccoon and Arin

In the Fourth Affiliate arc, an innocent-looking streamer nicknamed as Ms Raccoon lured Hostel's Amy and Natalie (Yejin and Eunbi) and later bound them under a slave contract in a secluded location. The two young girls would not be easily deceived had the streamer seemed hostile.

Daniel also met Arin, a beautiful but poor newbie streamer, who was later drugged and almost sexually assaulted by Vivi's cohorts. He regretted introducing Kwitch streaming to her. Her case is an example that lookism can turn beauty into harm when the beautiful is socially disadvantaged.

Johan and Vin

Johan (Yohan) and Vin (Hobin) live with a disability (visual impairment). In Johan's case he always covers his impaired eye with his hair, while Vin hides his polycoria behind super dark sunglasses. But Johan's disability was discovered by Zack in the Fourth Affiliate arc, and Vin was forced to show his during the Second Affiliate arc. In both ocassions, both characters were furious that their disability was revealed.

Before the Lookism arc, Vin even told Mary (Miru) that his dream of becoming a rapper had ended since people had seen his disability implying that what society wants is a perfect celebrity.

Although both Johan and Vin don't fully lose their self-confidence from their disabilities (and Vin spitefully targeted Duke because of his physique), we can't ignore the fact that both characters choose to conceal their disability and consider it as their blemish. This behavior is also a facet of lookism.

Channing and Jace

Channing (Changwon) of Ansan Public hurt and shamed his opponents by slashing them with tattoo pens. The purpose of this torture isn't simply to inflict pain but also to bring shame, since tattoos are still stigmatized in many aspects and in many places, including in Korea. So when Jace was slashed and branded with Ansan Public's name and address and in uneven colors, Vasco was livid. It was more than just his own trauma resurfacing, you know. Jace already got his own tattoos, but being branded and stripped like that was humiliating.

4. The Hunt for Big Deal, United Major Crews, Holiday 1, Holiday 2 Arcs

Spotlight Characters

D.G., Gun and Goo

D.G. (Diego/Dagyeom/James Lee/Lee Jihoon). Behind that beautiful façade is a guy who got away with murder and erased everything about his past.

Compare his case with Gun's and Goo (Joongoo)'s, who exude dangerous gangster-ish vibes (especially Gun).

Even though all three had killed people before, D.G. is viewed as angelic, while Gun and Goo are portrayed as demonic. Their case is a clear example of lookism-based discrimination.

CEO Charles Choi and CEO Steve Hong

Charles Choi (Dongsoo), who beautified D.G. (through plastic surgery? a second body?), knew all too well of the power of beauty. It's his true and tested method: he used his own daughter Crystal (Soojung)'s disarming beauty in the same way.

Charles himself benefits from lookism. Out of all the fighters from Gen 0, Charles is the only one whose face and mannerisms look like a legit businessman. So he passes as one, even though he was Elite, a killer like the rest of those fighters.

On the other hand, Steve Hong (Hong Kyungyeong), Charles's business rival, is brash and often poorly dressed, so the public probably would probably lend more support towards Charles if their enmity was exposed.

Though both men are terrible fathers, Steve clearly abandons Jay and would probably be more criticized by the public than Charles, who fakes his affection for Crystal and face it he's a good looking old man. Charles is better at lookism-based P.R.

Luah

Small, slender, and pretty, Luah (Rua) is underestimated and often feels unsafe when she's out alone in public. In fact, she's a thorough investigator under the Big Deal crew, enough for Jake and the others to acknowledge her capabilities.

Daniel (Again)

After being underestimated for years by his relatives especially his cousins Dylan (Hyungjoon) and David (Hyunggoo) and their families, Daniel only gains full acceptance and recognition after he slimmed down, became more confident, and grew taller. This situation shows how lookism is a social wrong because it can break families apart.

5. Lookism Arc

Spotlight Characters

Hangyeol (The Grimm Plastic Surgery Clinic)

Hangyeol of Workers runs a legit plastic surgery clinic. Without the high demand for plastic surgery, it would've been difficult for him to hide the dubious malpractice, asylum and shelter operations. And why is there such a rush for plastic surgeries? The answer is lookism.

Hangyeol himself takes advantage of his looks and demeanor. Because of these, his patients takes it for granted that he's a pro through and through when in fact he's insane (and is a minor).

Mary

Mary has to hide her background as a judoka because of her past body size and another undisclosed trauma. She and Vin had to leave their hometown Cheonliang (Chunryang) and settled in Seoul, and could only recently embraced their Cheonliang identity again after Vin's escape from Mitsuki's illegal fight club.

Their shared trauma of body shaming and disability makes it hard for them to believe in other people, an example of how lookism works in alienation.

6. Jake Kim, James Lee & First Generation King Arcs

Spotlight Characters:

Sinu, Taesoo, and Seokdu

Taesoo, who is Hudson (Hyunseong)'s teacher from Ansan, is traumatized by his disability. His bitterness and shame drove him to lose his belief in himself, and to retreat from society.

Meanwhile Sinu (Shinwoo) and Seokdu are never discriminated only because they put up a "tough front" that seem to have "surpassed" their respective disability (in what is probably an example of how their society treats them as an 'inspiration porn', a term coined by Australian disability activist Stella Young).

7. First Affiliate Arc (Current Arc)

Spotlight Characters

Logan (and Daniel)

Logan is back at his worst in the First Affiliate arc when he taunted Daniel with the past crude name "Pikachu". Daniel too had to resort to call Logan "Pig" even though he knows that it's a name given by bullies including Logan himself.

This situation is an example of how lookism in society makes it difficult for people to escape from labels, no matter how far they've come.

Side Notes

Not exactly lookism here but ageism: the dismissive attitude by younger characters towards the aging members of Gen 0. Well of course physically they're different from when they were young but they're still formidable people! But they themselves despise the younger generation, so the hatred is mutual.

Maybe Samuel (Seongeun)'s bitter rivalry with Jake about Big Deal etc. counts as lookism. Jake benefits from his Gapryong looks, and is the more acknowledged one in the criminal underworld, for better or worse. I'm not saying that Jake only has his looks, of course he's talented and tough, but Samuel had nothing (the running joke between the creators and the fandom is how he's cool because his father was an AC repairman). I wonder if that was why Samuel tried hard to make his physique more formidable before meeting Jake again (but Samuel is literally a bag of insecurities and maybe not just about his looks or heritage alone so who knows).

In the Future...

I think the lookism consequences would keep appearing in the manhwa/webtoon. I mean there's the problem of Daniel's, Crystal's and who knows who else's alternate bodies. Daniel's alternate body was probably created as a perfect human weapon, while Crystal's was to observe people (and Daniel?). I have this feeling in my gut that the alternate bodies were products of someone's (Charles's? Someone else's?) morbid dissatisfaction about human imperfections.

There goes my rant about the threads of the lookism theme across the Lookism manhwa/webtoon. I'm sorry that this turns out to be very long.

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fantasy-relax · 3 months

Text

@muffinsin I blame you for this, I write the reader point of view of reader you write Cassandra, deal? deal.

Fucked up! Reader x Cassandra dimitrescu

Warning: violence Cassandra being Cassandra, really what do you expected of this tag?

You always have been a Little... different that's what your family used to say. You were blunt and honest but the thing that trouble them most was your prediction for violence.

You got in a fight with a neighbor when you were a kid, your father had to pick you off the boy, the rock you grabbed to beat him was full of blood.

People keep their children away from you after that. Your parents too keep their distance.

Now all grow up, you are in the Dimitrescu Castle, working as a maid. The only thing you hated was the dress. As for everything else...

"AHHHH PLEASE LADY DANIELA I'M SORRY"

You actually don't mind. People die all the time, people suffer all the time and nobody of them were someone that you particularly care for, so being in a castle full of death and blood was pretty easy for you, do your job and that's all.

Rounding the corner, you see a pretty common scene.

"Look what have you done! My favorite sword has a scratch! You useless woman!"

" I'm s-orry Lady Cassandra my arm was tired and I-AHH"

The cut was fast and made with lethal precision. The arm was in the carpet, it will be a pain to clean luckily this was not your assigned area.

"Not tired anymore I bet"

The maid keep screaming, until Cassandra cut her head in another clean swipe of sickle. You can't stop the low hum in your throat. She looked at you her sadistic smile displaying her fangs.

"What is little morsel? Want to be next?"

She was full of blood, ready to cut your head too but the only thing you could think was:

"That was a clean cut my lady, you have a steady hand"

Cassandra freezes for a moment, you get closer to the body not too much as you still have to clean and getting your uniform dirty before that was a bad idea.

"You also have to be pretty strong or have a sharp weapon to make this so smoothly"

You stand up. Looking at the still frozen fly girl.

"Truly impressive"

At the end of your words Cassandra just swarmed away, her prey forgotten in the floor. You shrug walking to your duties.

For a moment you though that she was blushing.

The next day there is a leg outside your door something carved in the skin.

"How is this cut for you?"

Again it was very precise but what caught your attention was the handwriting, it was messy and the message feels like if she was pouting when she wrote it.

"Aww, My lady is pretty cute"

You hear something move above you, looking fast you catch part of one swarm, you know exactly what sister was spying. You laughed softly, very cute indeed.

The next week you were assigned to take some things to the dungeons. A chore that all the maids are terrified to do, the scream of the unfortunate souls trapped there and the sadistic daughter that was always ready to take more were more than enough to make them beg at the feet of the head maid for a change that like them never comes.

You just pick the box and go. The screams were annoying but you just tune then out, you put the thing down. Looking around you see one of the victims, Stella?Sara? you don't remember, she had cuts all around her body, how long was she here? Was two weeks ago? Three? And she was still alive?

"Seeing your future, little maid?"

You flinch surprised. You don't hear her come.

"I make sure to keep her miserable as long as possible by-

"Making cuts that are painful but not mortal, absolute brilliant, nothing less of expert like you"

You take a look around you see a man being held by hooks that goes through his hands, his legs are broken you can see that clearly, either he put his weight in the legs or in the hands , both choices painful.

"Very creative"

Full of curiosity you keep exploring. Praises to Cassandra talents never stopping

"Astounding"

" Visionary"

"Imaginative"

Until you feel the swarm pick up you up and rapidly throw you outside and closing the door as fast.

"Rude"

You stand up going to report the head maid of your completed chore.

If you could saw through walls you would have see a peculiar image of the so called monster sitting on the other side of the door, face red, hugging herself and purring happily.

More limbs were given to you as well as some organs, luckily they were of animals, so you cooked them. You keep a journal were every gift is written some examples were :

Deer leg with the following message *you have pretty eyes*"

Boar heart *Did you know they are the most similar to humans? * she is such a nerd

Full Bunny *Small like you* the small was more like a smoll it made you laugh.

One day a group of hunters try to raid the castle and kill the monsters inside, they only end giving you more work.

Bodies, blood and all kind of gore is in the floor AND in the carpet. It will be a pain to clean, even lady Bela it's looking at you with pity. You sigh pulling you sleeves up when you are tackled by certain brunette.

"Are you okay?! Did they hurt you?! Tell me who-"

"I'm fine lady bela take care of them"

"You took three"

"oh yeah, that reminds me"

You point at the three bodies.

"They are all yours Lady Cassandra"

The sisters have a particular rule, prey that they hunt, prey that they eat. Cassandra was the strongest not the fastest, Daniela and Bela surely got more than her.

"I killed them so they are mine but i don't gonna eat it so they are all yours."

Cassandra keep looking at your face you cleaned her face with you apron the only red was in her cheeks, she was so cute that you can resist it anymore you grabbed her neck and kissed her, it took a few seconds but he eagerly returned the kiss.

"FINALLY, the pining was killing me"

"SHUT UP DANIELA"

You were in a relationship with the sadistic sister something that you still were processing, you could easily live freely without working at all. But you were sorry for Bela having to work with short staff because her sisters were little shits with zero self control. So you keep working, in Cassandra side mostly and sometimes in Daniela.

Today was one of that days were you work was in Daniela hall. Everything was going well until a new maid decided to ruin the mood

"I told you, someday that bitch a Cassandra will get what she deserves, maybe I could let her live if she eats my pussy real good".

The other maid was new too but a lot smarter she looked like she wanted to stay away from her and was making signals to the absolute imbecile that was talking.

" I would tear her ap-UGH"

You grabbed her head and bashed her harder against the wall.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. She is out.

You let go of her head and looked at the other maid she just picked up her cleaning tools and continue her job, she was learning fast.

You walk and pick one leg of the imbecile, you start walking to the library were you beloved was having a sisters day.

No one interrupt you or try to help her. They know better.

The newbies considered you a depraved traitor. Sleeping with the monster that could kill them any day. But still survival is priority so they keep working.

The older considered you a blessing. The amount of death and injury since you started dating Cassandra was lower. Keep working, Survival is priority.

You were at the doors of the library you opened the door.

"knock first I know you have manners"

"aw did Draga mea miss me so much?

Focusing on the sickle on the table you entered in the room, dropping the maid in the middle of the room you pick the sharp blade.

You bend and grab the little bitch head again, you pull out her tongue and with a quick swing cut it out.

"AHH-UGH"

You grabbed her again and bashed her against the floor again.

One, two, three, four, five. She is out.

You dropped her and walked to your beloved, you throw the sickle on the table, she was silent looking at you with that pretty blush, so adorable.

You grab her chin, kissing her deeply until she is panting, the blush in her face just grow bigger and the soft purr in her chest is music, yours she is totally yours.

Grabbing her gloved hand you drop the tongue, you point to the crying woman in the floor.

"Here my love, a snack"

You kissed her again.

"I still have duties to attend, I see you later."

She looked like a lovesick puppy. A puppy whom you will play with later. What a good life.

#resident evil village #cassandra dimitrescu #my work

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onyourhyuck · 1 year

Text

MIRACLES DO HAPPEN. | Mark Lee (M)

↳ Prologue: “I wanted a baby so freaking bad.” + “I know, i’m sorry.”

↳ summary: You and Mark have been trying to conceive for a year but have failed. Both of you are persistent to start a family together so you venture out into the world of IVF. You’re starting your miracle on Christmas Day.

↳ Warning: Angst fluff. Mention of mental health. Healthy relationships with up and downs. Domestic Husband Mark. Fem Reader. Pregnancy mention. Honestly cried while writing this. IVF process. Injections/Needles mention. Arguments.

↳ Note: KINKMAS FIC. My favourite YouTuber is getting an IVF journey and now I can’t stop with the angst, so I’m writing an IVF fanfic. The whole process is inspiration and really shows how women are so strong to go through this.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Life doesn’t go the way you plan most of the time. It certainly didn’t go the way you have imagined your marriage with Mark, but neither of you cared anymore. You aren’t going to give up on having a baby. You want it and Mark wants it just as much as you do. It doesn’t matter how you get the baby anymore. You closed the natural process out. Simply getting pregnant the natural way wasn’t working out for you. Mark has tried his hardest with you last year, every single pregnancy test turned out negative. It was hard to get up the next day to take a new pregnancy test hoping it shows up with two lines with positive written in bold letters. Instead you never came to see those. No matter how many times you try, it never succeed.

It wasn’t only you who suffered great deal of damage physically and mentally stressing constantly about how you will conceive a child. Because it was all you ever wanted. A family. Start your own family. Have little mark or little y/n running about the house, Mark coming home and being greeted with a child or two. You making dinner with your children, growing older while you watch them grow and experience the life ahead of them. Mark wants that too, believe it or not he suffers just as much as you did. He’s frustrated with himself that he couldn’t bring you what you wanted. A sense of divine intervention was meant to be done here but he couldn’t of brought it into light. At some point last year his mentality spiralling down further and he lashed at you. Yelled at you. Mark never yelled at you once, for as long as you knew him he never once shouts at you or scolds you. But he did it when he was in this constant pain of seeing you and him lose each other. The pressure of getting you pregnant but never actually getting you pregnant made him feel as if he has fail you.

So when he had yelled at you that day, you broke down too. Yelling back at your husband , screaming out how it wasn’t his fault but yours. You felt guilty for making Mark feel this way. You were too absorbed in your own worrisome thoughts and paranoia to the point you completely forgot getting pregnant was a two way ticket. Not a lonely journey alone, but a duo teamwork; spiritually, mentally and physically.

That day. Mark swore to never yell at you again because the sight of you crying and hating yourself twice as much meekly pains him to the bones. He would rather have you hate him than hate yourself for something you cannot control. It was Mother Natures process and choice to make. Your husband suggested IVF and if that doesn’t work, adoption was the last bit on the list.

IVF was not a simple process whatsoever though. Many women have so much side effects it can take a toll on your mental health, change your physique as well as your personality might change drastically. But it is what you are willing to go through to get pregnant. You want to do this. The doctors told you to take three injections: one in the morning, one in the afternoon after lunch preferably and then at night.

You woke up with a groggy feeling laying on your abdomen. Rolling out of bed and turning the bedside lamp on, your husband tugs on your sultry silk sleeve pulling your back a nudge. He groans out, half asleep. “Baby, come back to bed.”

Your lips fell into a small smile before pointing your eyes at the clock on your table next to the double share bed. It was 6:30am. The exact time you’re supposed to be taking the injection. You stood up, “after the injection i will.”

Mark sits up humming. “I’ll inject you, is that okay?” He rubs back the bed hair, the soft fluff out black locks make your eyes waver at the sight. You nod, “alright come.” making your way inside the bathroom you sit on top of the toilet seat preparing yourself mentally by heavy exhale. You always hated needles. Hated the way it goes inside you with a pinch.

He comes in with the syringe with the liquid full of hormones. The first side effect you might notice on yourself would be nausea and weight gain. In fact the doctor made you purposely gain weight before injecting your stomach because it would make it easier to pierce in you. The fatter body you have the more chance of the IVF actually working. Mark slowly kneels on the bathroom floor in front of you with reassurance in his eyes, he rubs your legs comfortingly when he saw your teary eyes.

“Hey.” He speaks out to you in a soft spoken voice. “I will be here with you through this journey every step away. Don’t be scared.” He leans to lift your pyjama satin shirt revealing your stomach, you try your best to stay loosen avoiding to use your stomach core muscles. You need to be loose and prepared for the hormone to enter your body.

The needle perks on your skin slowly going in and deeper into you with the liquid slipping in. You weren’t aware of it until he pulls out the needle and quickly he shifts to put the cute watermelon bandaid on the area he injected it to stop the small blood coming out from the injection. You sigh out as your tears spill, your thoughts were coming back: ‘this wouldn’t of happened if i got pregnant naturally. The easy way.’ You realise this wasn’t the ideal situation for either of you.

Mark pulls you into an embrace murmuring praises hoping it might distract you from how overwhelming this actually is for your marriage as well as your families. “You’re so strong for this, Y/n. I’m so proud.” His hands rub your back in circular motions as you exhale a deep heavy breathing, trembling in his hold you sniffle.

“I wanted a baby so freaking bad.” Your voice trails in his shoulder resting there . Mark bites his bottom lip at your words, now his vision become blurry as he spews out tears. “I know, I am sorry.” He wanted a baby so freaking bad too. But he cannot breakdown with you, he has to support you too. Negativity won’t solve your problems, but perhaps Positivity might make a grave difference in your situation a lot more.

His apology couldn’t make you feel more tied down to guilt. It sent you at least twenty feet underground with the way his voice breaks down and cracks, trying to sound strong for you, but you could tell he was on his breaking point too.

Mark pulls away from the embrace holding your face with his palms, he pulls you into a loving kiss. He breaks it apart from your mouth and travels to peck your forehead after. “You’re going to be an amazing mother after the IVF is done.”

You let out a shy smile looking down. “You think so?” Mark brushed your hair back with the fingertips lightly. “I know so.”

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Christmas Day has come, and the clinic has called you for an important news to share with you and Mark containing about the IVF journey. You’ve done everything you were told but you now need to hear the final news if you’re pregnant or not.

Your families have gathered around your house for this Christmas and are settling outside hanging about together. You bring yourself in to the living room by the fireplace that was burning the charcoal, a large Christmas tree invading the corner with presents underneath still waiting to be opened. You sit down and Mark comes in soon enough with his phone in hand. He hands it to your palms with a half excited and nervous face.

“They’re calling.” Mark tells you.

Your hands press the green button and the clinical doctor on the line speaks, her voice breaks your mind into nothingness as if before you had no thoughts running even though you were praying like a mantra to god it is positive news something you want to hear ; same with mark. He has prayed before in the kitchen alone. Your families are here with you anticipating too.

“Hello I have some news to share… I want you to prepare for what I’m about to say.” Your doctor said to you both. Mark and you share a glance before humming in agreement.

“We’re ready.”

Your doubts were there, no denying about it. You had negative thoughts there in the back of your head. But you pushed them away staying hopeful for this journey because you haven’t put your blood sweat and tears in it for nothing. Mark and you haven’t got up everyday at 6:30 to inject you the next following days. It wouldn’t be for vain. Plus adoption was always an option next.

“Y/n Lee and Mark Lee…”

…

“Congratulations you are pregnant!”

You and Mark look at each other with wide eyes. In a sweep your husband has wrapped his hands on your waist lifting you into the air twirling your as if you were a bird dancing in the air, flying free, mark was laughing with tears brewing in the eyes, slipping you down back on your feet he had you freeze in your spot. Your lips fell into a line when he met your lips with his, kissing them gracefully and softly as if they were made of porcelain material. So fragile and delicate. He had his hands wrapping in your curls, letting them go as his fingertips trace your jawline and up cupping your cheeks with his warm hands. You close your eyes enjoying the loving scent of cinnamon in the air as well as the warm emitting from the fireplace. His soft lips radiating on yours, felt like heaven ascending you to higher realm.

You break apart with a breathy sight of happiness. You were happy, he was happy; hell you were more than happy. You felt an achievement. An long fulfilling wish become reality. A family with your lover, your true love, Mark, you can finally share a baby together.

Mark whispers to you. “ I’m still processing the fact that we are going to be parents after so long of trying. Endless fails until now.”

You close your eyes bringing your husband into an embrace where you bury your face in his shoulder lovingly holding each other by the Christmas tree behind your interlock bodies. “It doesn’t matter how many tries we did, Mark, as long as i have you and the baby i feel like we succeeded.”

“I love you, this is our miracle.” He smiles at your words brushing his hands behind your hair stroking it. You murmur. “I love you too.”

Miracles do happen.

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@onyourhyuck please refer from translating copyrighting and plagiarising my work thank you! REBLOG THIS POST TO SHOW LOVE AND FOLLOW ME FOR MORE FANFICS IF YOU ENJOYED<3

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