#stxrvel talks
Text
hate is a strong word
summary: you hated Bucky and you were convinced that he hated you back. until one time he was talking to you and it started to sound... lovely? what was happening?
pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader
words: 6k
warnings: some bad words, a lot of arguments, a HUGE flashback, a little bit of angst i think? bucky and reader insult each other, reader doesn't like to listen, bucky is easily angered, bucky likes to destroy things when he gets angry but regrets it easily, this is not exactly a healthy relationship(? descriptions of weapons, missiles and buildings being bombed, reader is also very stubborn and likes to put her life at risk… or so.
note: hi guys!! so i came back and i am kinda proud of this one. i think i haven't felt that way in a long time. i gave myself the time to write when i felt like it and it was wonderful, so this came out. also i put the poll for a whole week and i can't change it now >:(, but i think this onsehot fits the angst with a happy ending (im not sure if this fits the angst tho, you gotta tell me) but im gonna try to do something else that fits the vibe, and i'll probably do some other poll to write about someone else. (also i think i should warn you guys that i dont think im that good writing action scenes or tension scenes, so if that's bad i hope you forgive me): anyway, hope you guys like this one!! i love reading your comments so if you want and can, please leave some <33 love you all and see you next time!
part 2
Bucky was really pissing you off too much at that moment. Or maybe you were feeling a little uncomfortable.
He hadn't spoken a single word to you since you had arrived at that tiny house, only shrugged silently and then exploded. You had seen Bucky explode several times before and you admitted that watching him was somewhat entertaining; seeing the faces of frightened people, trying to flee away from his angry face and destructive hands, but physically forced to stand by and listen to his scolding. You used to have fun with that. However, at the time, when you were the extreme recipient of that anger, it wasn't so much fun.
You had already heard a couple of broken glass, shattered wood and metal containers fall to the ground. Maybe five minutes or so had passed and he was barely pausing to look at his artwork. It wasn't too much that he had taken and thrown while you had stayed in the room, but it had all sounded very loud, so you had no choice but to go out and see what he was doing.
You were leaning against the threshold of the hallway to the bedrooms, right across from the living room and kitchen. Bucky looked like he had just finished getting all his anger out when he finally stood silently. He probably thought you were asleep while he was doing all that, as if that sound couldn't wake you up. Was he really that angry about what you had done? You mean, yes, it was very risky, but there you were alive, weren't you?
You felt the best thing you could do was to stay quiet and wait for him to say or do something, because you could risk that angry outburst really coming down in your face. For that moment he had only taken it out on the house, which had nothing to do with your problems, and you didn't want the arguments to start filling the silence that followed his stillness.
But, well, you didn't always do the right thing. That's why you were in that situation in the first place.
“Are you done yet?” you signed your sentence.
Bucky had a tense posture, squared shoulders moving in rhythm with his accelerated breathing. His back was to you, staring at the kitchen counter that had been left completely empty. You knew by the way he was clasping his hands that he was trying to maintain his composure.
“Are you serious?” his voice came out hoarse, a sign of his growing anger.
Maybe you should have stopped there, or when he continued to not turn to look at you, but you just couldn't keep your mouth shut.
“What's your problem, Barnes? Yes, I took a chance, but it's not that big of a deal. It's not for this,” you pointed to the mess around you, even though he wasn't looking at you.
“It's not a big deal, you say?” Bucky moved and you felt yourself watching his angry figure move in slow motion. “What's your problem?”
His beady eyes met yours. You felt a little intimidated by the ripples of annoyance coming off his body, filling the entire room with an unbearable, suffocating tension. His scowl and that strangely calm tone of voice made your hair stand on end.
None of the pieces of glass or splintered wood on the floor looked as dangerous as that expression on Bucky's face. He looked very angry, yes, but there was also something in his eyes when he looked at you. Something like concern… but that was impossible.
“Really, Y/N, what's your problem? Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“Now, what the fuck are you talking about?”
“I was the mission leader!” his voice rose, his body moving forward as he pointed his index finger at himself. “And you were supposed to follow my orders.”
“I did, Barnes, I-”
“No,” he exclaimed, again moving closer. “You didn't do anything I asked you to do! Why can't you just…? Argh.”
You moved back a little as he planted his hands on the dining room table. You felt a little pressure in your chest at the sight of him like this, as if defeated and hopeless. Disappointed. But that was a common thing. That's why you used to have individual missions, and that's why you didn't really like working in a team. You mean, it wasn't wrong to do it, but everything always ended up in arguments because nobody liked the way you worked, so it was better to do it alone, right?
Seeing Bucky like that reminded you of how many times you had seen that look on the faces of Steve, Natasha, Tony, Clint, even Thor… It was never welcome nor were you comfortable with what was coming next, but it was the way you worked, how could you change out of nowhere something you had done your whole life?
Maybe you just had to apologize, sometimes that worked. Because you also knew that, knowing how bossy and caring Bucky was, you should have at least held back a little during the mission. Bucky's patience couldn't stand that sort of thing.
“Listen, I'm sorry, okay? I was a little careless, but that's how-”
“A little careless?” he interrupted you, his voice and face incredulous. "You almost got yourself killed."
“We're in this job under that risk, Barnes, that's not news.”
The man in the middle of the mess ran his hands over his face, elated, frustrated and surely overwhelmed. He let out a sound somewhere between a snort and a growl before turning back to look at you.
“Why can't you just listen?”
His accusing gaze enlarged a hole in your chest that you constantly tried to ignore, planting bitter feelings of sadness that you were usually very good at avoiding. But at that moment, for some reason, you couldn't stop your face from twitching at the strong, hurt tone of the man who looked at you as if he couldn't believe who you are and what you do. It seemed like Bucky was always in denial and today he realized that what everyone always told him was true.
That look, that dull gleam in his eye, that expression of understanding… All of that you were used to seeing, but coming from him it felt different. As if you hadn't really meant to cause those feelings, as if you wanted to turn back time to do things differently. The surprisingly incredulous and remorseful look was digging deep into your head, searing itself with hot iron to make sure to haunt you in the future.
At that moment you didn't care if Bucky realized how much his words affected you. Maybe you deserved to feel that way. Maybe he should have known that it affected you too much, that would surely do more than an apology.
“If only you had listened to me, we would have left sooner and without any trouble,” Bucky spoke again after what felt like hours of silence.
You couldn't take him back. It was true.
“Why did you…? Argh. Whatever. I'm going to report to Fury.”
His figure passed you like a blur. You barely felt his presence very superficially before all was silent again.
Your heart ached again. For some reason, it wouldn't stop hurting that it was still beating.
The day before.
“WHAT?” you exclaimed in disbelief and the director's tired look reappeared.
“It's already scheduled, Y/N, I can't undo it. So just go, try to cooperate together and come back in one piece,” Fury leaned back against the back of the chair, putting his feet up on the desk.
You looked at his shoes as if they were to blame for everything.
“It's funnier to think Bucky reacted the same way,” Tony spoke up, sitting in the chair next to yours, a mocking expression on his face.
“Shut up,” you smacked his arm before turning back to the director. “Sir, you know Barnes and I don't get along and knowing that, what makes you think we'll hit it off on a mission?”
Fury shrugged. “A hunch.”
“A hunch…?” you repeated in a low tone, twice as incredulous that the big SHIELD director had just said that.
“That's it, agent, you're dismissed.”
You left his office on your own, not because you had been dispatched. The walk to the housing complex took you longer than ever at that point.
You'd only had one mission with Bucky Barnes once a couple of years ago and it had been a disaster. Your group missions usually ended with a close call, but that time with Bucky it was like going to hell and back.
You two had never gotten along. Regardless of Fury's hundreds of attempts to get along, you had never managed to vibrate on the same frequency. It seemed more like you repelled each other every time you were together, and it was totally justified because Bucky was too bossy and wouldn't let you breathe for a single second. Every second of the mission had to be ruled by him because otherwise he was going to explode into a sea of rage and, God, no one wanted to piss Bucky off in that Complex. However, you were always the first to tell him that his tactics weren't working or that he was too slow and well, naturally, you ended up arguing.
You met Natasha and Steve halfway to the rooms and from the way they both looked at each other before the redhead approached you knew you must surely have a scrunched up face.
“Did something happen?” Natasha asked as soon as she reached your side and started walking at the same pace as you, slightly more hurried than usual.
“Fury assigned me a mission with Barnes,” you spat out the good news, impossibly frowning harder at the mention of that name.
“Oh,” Natasha nodded. “Well, you could try to work things out-”
“What things, Natasha?” you paused, turning to look at her as everything around you turned red. “There's nothing to fix here, because Barnes is a stubborn, obstinate, childish, bossy, stupid man who is incapable of speaking like a civilized adult and only knows how to shout orders everywhere as if he's the bossy one in the Complex. I can't stand him!”
“Wow.”
You heard his voice.
“I hope you know the feeling is reciprocated.”
You turned to see him, his body was leaning against the island at the entrance to the kitchen, in a strategic spot as if you could never realize he was there because your path was to the other side. Natasha watched between the two of you like a tennis match, fearful as if at any moment the screaming would start and she would have to run away.
You didn't know what to do. You were super angry, yes, and you felt your blood boiling inside your veins, too. And you'd said all that stuff to Bucky's face before, and God knows how many times before you'd argued just by seeing each other in the halls of the Complex. Despite that, you felt trapped. The anger was still there, yes, but his gaze pierced through you like a sword.
“Believe me, I don't want to go on this mission with a stubborn, obstinate, headstrong, ignorant, individualist like you either, who cares not for the safety of the team but for her own victory, no matter how she achieves it.”
With his eyes sharp, his heavy footsteps approached you, echoing in your head loudly like the second hand of a clock. He had stopped at a safe distance as he spoke and at one point Natasha had grabbed your arm when it seemed you had tried to approach him as well.
“You're a hypocrite,” you spat at him.
“Ha! Me?”
“You always play the saintly dove, but you know you're not much different from me.”
“I'm nothing like you,” Bucky wrinkled his face, as if the very thought caused him to shiver with disgust.
“You're an individualist, too, imposing your plans on others.”
“You never have a plan! What do you expect me to do, let you go and die?”
“I do have plans! But you don't like them because they are more effective than yours.”
“They're more effective at the cost of risking more of our lives.”
“That's what our job is all about!”
“Our job is about protecting! How are you going to accomplish a mission if you're dead?”
“Well, I've done pretty well so far, in case you haven't noticed.”
“If I had a nickel for every time you've gone airhead straight into danger and ended up nowhere near dead, I'd have as much money as Stark.”
“And if I had a nickel for every time your stupid, slow plans have caused you to lose sight of the target and made you come back empty-handed, I'd be twice as rich as Stark.”
“At least my kill rate is minus five.”
“And my hit rate is one hundred by the way.”
“Are you even listening to what you're saying?”
“That I always finish missions on the first try, unlike you?”
“That you're treating your life like it's something insignificant.”
“Ah, now you care about my life?”
Natasha tightened her hand around your forearm again preventing you from again getting too close to the man who was getting on your nerves. Before he could respond, you spoke again:
“Look, Barnes, to make it absolutely clear to you for the rest of your long life: I love my life and I love my job. I love my life because it allows me to have this job and I love my job because it allows me to have this life. If you have a problem with how I choose to do the job, that's just that, your problem. But don't think you're coming here to give me a psychology lesson to make me believe that I don't value my life just because now you've run out of arguments. It's because I value my life, Barnes, that I always come out of every mission unscathed. I don't put myself at risk because I'm oblivious. I always have everything figured out and that's why everything always works out for me.”
Bucky snorted, his body moving away from yours, but despite that expression on his face he didn't respond again. He gave you a sidelong glance before walking back into the kitchen.
Your shoulders felt a little lighter. For a moment you thought he was going to continue arguing.
Natasha next to you sighed, finally letting go of your forearm.
“Why did you hold me so tight?” you frowned at her, rubbing the part of your skin that was slightly red. “Did you really think I was going to fight a super soldier?”
Natasha shrugged under your gaze.
“We've known you to do crazy things.”
“I wouldn't have stood a chance of beating him even if he gave me the upper hand.”
Five hours earlier.
You hadn't seen Bucky for the rest of the day after that discussion, until the next day when you had to get on the Quinjet and didn't even glance at each other.
Steve was in charge of handling the airplane and, apparently, he was also in charge of briefing you on how you were going to proceed on the mission, because Bucky was too busy drilling holes with his gaze somewhere else on the Quinjet away from the two of you.
Neither spoke when you descended nor when you approached the base apparently in a state of abandonment.
Bucky's mission were flat and simple, but as usual he had no backup plan, because all his backup plans were the same: run away. Bucky had a chick's sense of survival, that's why when things went bad was the time when he would scream at you the loudest.
Just like it happened on that mission.
“This place is deadly quiet,” you spoke for the first time, barely earning a sidelong glance from the man next to you.
You had already finished thermo-sensor checking every floor of the building and it was indeed desolate. Still, you felt a strange uncomfortable chill run down your back.
“Well, that's what deserted means,” Bucky commented, his sarcasm sharp.
You rolled your eyes at him, even if he couldn't see you, and kept walking with your gun raised as you approached the checkpoint.
“I mean I can't even hear birds or crickets, doesn't that strike you as odd?”
“Well, we're on the fourth floor, wouldn't it make it stranger if you could hear them at this altitude?”
“Well, you can hear at this height. Tell me, do you hear anything down below?”
Bucky paused. They were a few steps away from reaching the room. His deadly stare caused you nothing but boredom and you would have ignored him completely except that he let out a sigh, dejected. You detailed him minutely as he seemed to focus his hearing on external sounds.
“There's nothing,” he spoke after a few seconds, his brow slightly furrowed.
“You see?”
“But that doesn't mean anything. We'd better finish this quickly.”
Ignoring the grimace on your face, Bucky moved to step into the room whose door was wide open. You stared offended at his back and felt the urge to smack his big head with the butt of your gun.
“Here it is,” you heard him exclaim from inside.
Sighing you made your way to where he stood. A large display of old computers anchored to the wall.
“You should do it yourself,” you looked at Bucky with a smirk. “I don't handle equipment this old.”
Bucky only snorted in response and moved with his gun to another side of the room, leaving you in complete silence to do your job.
You moved quietly and sat down in front of the machines. You plugged them into the power source you brought in your suitcase and in a few minutes they began to work.
The mission was simple. There was one of the old HYDRA bases that contained specific information that Fury needed to find. Up to that point, they had searched about seven abandoned bases without any success. So there you were with Bucky, at the eighth base they had identified, digging through old commands and in another language trying to find the information they needed.
Ever since they left the Complex that morning you were convinced you would find nothing. They had already raided several bases and there were still a few more to go. The probability that you would find that information at that time was…
Bingo.
“Got it,” you exclaimed to Bucky.
You heard his hurried footsteps and then felt the warmth of his body next to you.
“Is that it?”
“Just a folder.”
“And why does it load so slowly?”
“It's an old computer, Bucky, it works at its own pace.”
Bucky gave you a sidelong glance. “Wish you understood me like you understand that thing.”
“Aish,” you pouted by way of mockery. “Jealous, Barnes?”
The aforementioned just snorted.
The load was running at forty percent and truth be told, yes, it was too slow. But you could do nothing but wait, there was no way to speed it up.
Bucky paced back and forth behind you and you just watched the green lines move as if that helped at all. But, well, what else could you do?
At one point, as the charge was about to reach eighty percent, you heard interference on your communicators.
“Argh,” you shook your head and raised your hand to move the device a little away until the sound died down. “Steve?”
There was no response.
You turned to look at Bucky, who had the same quizzical expression.
The interference returned and then you heard Steve's voice distorted.
“… of… moment!”
“What the fuck is he saying?”
Bucky remained silent, tapping the device on his ear as if that would fix it.
But you saw it before you heard Steve's voice again.
A clump of people through the window. A freshly loaded cannon.
“Barnes…”
And at that moment, Steve's voice filled them with clarity.
“It's an ambush! Get out of there now!”
The quickness of the impact didn't let you process what was happening. Less than a second after hearing Steve the ground shook beneath your feet. The cracks in the floor started small and then swallowed you apart.
You held onto a beam, barely lucid enough. You propelled yourself upward, swinging your forearms over the patch of ground that was still intact. You heard Bucky's grunts in the distance. He was surely all right.
You heard him call out to you too, but as soon as you could sit down on the ground, the first thing you did was to reach for the pendrive.
Your heart was pounding, so hard it might as well have flown out on its own. Your breathing accelerated, with adrenaline rushing through your body was the only thing you could feel. At that moment you felt capable of anything.
You stood up quickly to look out the window again. The people were gone and the cannon had been destroyed.
It was at that moment that you realized that Steve was still talking on the communicator.
“I'm fine,” you replied, after being able to decipher his words amidst the constant buzzing from the sound of the explosion and the dizziness you felt at the sight of the hole next to you.
“Okay, you're both fine,” the Captain spoke again.
“Y/N, you can get down from there and get to the floor below. I'll catch you.”
At the sound of Bucky's voice, you moved away from the window.
Bucky had landed on the floor below, and yes, from where you were you could jump up and you'd probably have nothing but a cramp.
“How's it going up there?”
“Well, the shields are holding up okay, but I've got poor vision. I think they're regrouping somewhere else.”
You looked around.
Most of the floor had swallowed up the computers, but the main one was still loading the document. You could see the green from where you were. It was at ninety-seven percent.
But it was dangerous to get too close. The pendrive was dangling from the main computer which was about to succumb to the cracked floor.
There was some concrete left in front of the computers that you could walk across, so, without a second thought, you mapped out a mental guidance plan and moved forward.
“Y/N, what the fuck are you doing?”
“I'm getting the pendrive.”
“What? Are you insane? That side of the floor isn't going to support your weight!”
“Yes it will. I know how to do it.”
You started walking all over the remaining edge of the floor in front of what was left of the computers. Small pieces would break off as you passed causing Bucky to hiss.
“Y/N, you'd better stop and get down right now. There's still a risk of them firing again.”
“I'm gonna get it, Barnes.”
“Y/N! Get down, now!”
Ignoring his command, you held onto the remaining wall in front of you as you continued on your way, almost reaching where the pendrive was, about to fall into the abyss.
Ninety-eight percent.
“Y/N!”
“Fucking hell, Barnes, will you shut the fuck up? Your yelling is breaking my concentration.”
“You want me to just stay quiet while you walk to your certain death?”
“I'm not going to dieee- ahh-”
Your left foot, the one in front, wobbled as a piece of the floor came loose. You clung tightly to the wall as best you could, breathing deeply to calm your racing heart. Panicking at that moment wasn't going to do any good.
“God, I can't believe this,” you heard Bucky's voice, muttering to himself. “Now are you really going to get off?”
His voice sounded reprimanding, but agitated. In the midst of that mess, you wondered for a moment if he was really worried.
“I'm almost there.”
You heard him grunt in the distance.
You kept moving your feet in the direction of the main computer, this time more cautiously and more slowly. The floor all along that edge was too cracked, on the verge of falling. You were surprised it had lasted this long.
At that point, Bucky started talking to Steve, but you kept your full concentration on not falling. Maybe Bucky was right and you really didn't have any regard for your life, but…. No, no. You were very sure of what you were doing. You couldn't give up without trying everything. Maybe for Bucky it was too risky, but that was your life. And you knew you could do it.
Ninety-nine.
You had reached the critical point on the ground.
The voices of the two men were becoming too overwhelming, so you quickly took off your communicator and stuffed it in one of your tactical pants pockets.
“What the fuck did you just do?” Bucky exclaimed, a considerable distance away. He wasn't as far away as you thought.
“Your voices are distracting me!”
Good. You were close. Maybe from there you could reach it… if you stretched a little… a little more… a little- Whoop. Nope. You weren't that close. Another chunk of floor fell and with it everything around you shifted. The concrete was so unstable that it tilted further into the abyss after your not at all incredible maneuver.
You had to get even closer.
You had to use plan c.
But for that, the pendrive had to be one hundred percent charged and you weren't sure you could wait for that. Or well, you weren't sure the floor would hold. You had to be quick.
You heard Bucky behind you, but his words were carried away by the wind. You couldn't focus on him because that would be too distracting.
So, arriving at point x, you executed your plan as quickly as possible.
You ran. Even if the world was falling down, you ran. In the direction of the pendrive. The green number didn't change. You took a deep breath. You felt the sparks fly around you. The sound of the ground cracking was going to haunt you in several dreams.
You picked up the pendrive. You would have a few extra seconds as you leaned over and climbed over the computers to gain momentum.
The bing of the computer filled you with a rush of adrenaline.
One hundred percent.
You jumped. You held your breath for a second. Nerves built up in your throat. You felt like you were going to lose consciousness for a minute. Maybe you heard Bucky in the background, you weren't sure, but knowing him he was probably still scolding you.
In the midst of a deep exhalation…
Your feet hit the ground. You rolled. You moved quickly as you turned to see that the ground was still falling. You got up and ran.
You ran until you collided with a solid body. Bucky was shaking your shoulders.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?" he exclaimed, his face angry.
You could hear Steve's voice through his communicator because of how close he was.
“Shit.”
He grabbed your arm and you ran again.
Somehow, Bucky managed to get you out of the building as they bombed it again. You had a gunfight the moment you touched the cold snow.
You moved alongside Bucky like a symphony, aiming and firing with your gun until you managed to get away.
When you noticed that you kept going and kept running…
“Where's Steve?”
“If you had your fucking communicator on…”
Bucky grabbed your hand again to keep running.
You quickly reached a shack that looked abandoned and the man next to you wasted no time in letting go of you and running in the direction of what appeared to be a garage. There was a motorcycle.
You reached into your pocket only to realize that the communicator had been destroyed.
And Bucky looked too angry to want to talk.
“Get on.”
He drove all the way into town, but he didn't stop there.
You were on the road for at least about two hours. You had no idea where you were.
Somewhere along that trip, Bucky stopped in front of another abandoned shack and from there he pulled out a car. He set the bike on fire.
You went back on the road, for at least another hour.
Until you reached a small town and Bucky finally stopped in front of a house that didn't look so neglected.
“They destroyed the Quinjet's shields at missile point. Steve had to leave. We'll stay here until I can get through to Fury and we know what to do.”
His voice gave no room for retorts.
Present.
Well, yes, you were a bit reckless during missions, but so what? You got what you needed thanks to your incredible action plans and always came out unscathed. If you didn't do that during missions, how far behind would they be now in their knowledge against the enemy? They would probably be sitting ducks. Bucky didn't see that.
You two didn't talk for much of the afternoon and evening. You had spent it in the living room, trying to avoid the mess he had made to get something to eat and rest. You had perhaps slept for about three hours when you woke up and saw him sitting in one of the dining room chairs. The room looked cleaner than before.
Bucky sighed when he realized you had woken up.
“I'm sorry I yelled at you.”
You frowned. “What?”
“Earlier when we arrived. And for all the mess,” he averted his gaze when you leaned on your forearm to get a better look at him.
“Don't you think it was the least you could do?” quizzical, you sat back on the couch.
“Weren't you the one who said I don't know how to talk like a civilized adult?”
You rolled your eyes at him. “Sometimes.”
“Well, now I want to. That's why I deeply apologize for reacting that way.”
You remained silent, not really knowing how to answer him. On the previous mission you'd had with Bucky, when the whole mess was over and you were quietly in the Quinjet taking it all in, Bucky had only said “you're fucking crazy” to you before exiting the aircraft. There was no scolding, at least not from him, no complaining, no yelling. Just that. And with that you stayed for a week because you never even saw him again.
Despite the number of times you had heard that, you couldn't see it that way. That was your job, that was what you did and you didn't dislike it. You had done it forever, it was basically your way of life and you had always done it excellently. You trained and practiced for situations like that, that's why you were part of SHIELD's risk management team for so long. You used to risk your life like that to save other people and it didn't bother you. Now you were still doing it, also to save people. There was no dark reason behind it. You were contributing to a common good and that was enough.
“I guess I haven't made things bearable for you either,” you admitted with a hint of remorse.
“No, never,” Bucky shook his head in agreement.
“I'm sorry I scared you,” the words slipped from your mouth. You wanted to say something else, but, well, that had to work.
Bucky let out a short laugh. His head jerked in sync, his shoulders loose as if he didn't have a care in the world. For a moment you felt like you were somewhere else; maybe in a living room, some alcoholic beverage in one of your hands as one of your favorite songs played softly in the background, and Bucky. Bucky sitting in front of you, just like that moment.
Wow. What the fuck was that?
“You apologize for my reaction, but not for what you did?” his sly grin was getting on your nerves. You preferred it when he wasn't trying to upset you at the point of smirks. You never thought that was a weapon he could use against you.
Feelings.
Ew.
No, I hate Bucky Barnes. This is unacceptable. Mind, get your shit together.
“Well, I tried to do that earlier and you didn't care. I don't know what you want from me, Barnes,” you turned your head away, nonchalantly playing with your hair to avoid seeing those light eyes again.
“You'd better leave it at that. I couldn't take that knack away from you if I tried for years,” the sigh that accompanied his words reminded you of something you'd thought of when you were in the building. His face still looked calm, but a little upset by the wrinkle between his eyebrows.
“Why do you care so much about that?” you asked him directly now that you had the chance.
You looked at him as he turned his head away, his eyes roaming over your face, confused.
“Are you asking me why I care about your life?”
Puzzled, you shrugged. His look almost made you think that was a weird thing to ask, but was it really? “Yes. Well…. You hate me.”
“What? I don't hate you,” Bucky shook his head, his face more contracted than before as if you'd said he had cat ears on his head. He looked almost offended.
And that was the really strange thing.
You mean, almost as long as you'd known Bucky your relationship had been based on fights and demeaning adjectives to each other. That he would say that made even less sense than you asking him why he cared so much about you. He had to be pulling your leg.
“What? But I hate you because you hate me,” you explained vaguely, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. That was one way of putting it; that is to say, Bucky never gave any indication that he didn't hate you. Or well…
“I don't hate you,” Bucky shrugged, his nonchalant expression confusing you that much more. “You're just a little… insufferable sometimes.”
You rolled your eyes. “That's just a synonym for hating.”
“I don't hate you,” he repeated, this time turning to look you in the eye. For a moment you felt like your breath caught in your throat and you were going to choke. “I know we argue and say a lot of things to each other, but… hating is too strong a feeling.”
“Are you really serious?” you shook your head to get the extraneous thoughts out; that wasn't the time to make a discovery, to realize you had lived a lie.
“Yes. And just to make you more sure, I wouldn't mind hanging out with you outside the Complex,” Bucky blurted out, matter-of-factly.
Your head went blank.
“WHAT?”
Several seconds stunned.
Bucky barely cracked a smile at your dumbfounded expression. It sure looked like you'd actually seen cat ears grow on his head. The things he was now saying… they didn't make sense. “You dislike the idea that much?”
“Do you want to not say things so drastically different every moment? You're changing my perception of reality.”
Bucky kept his small smile and you had to swallow hard to ignore the warmth that settled in your chest. It wasn't welcome, not at that moment. The sound of that music in the living room in your head was getting louder, as if your own mind wanted to mock your surprise.
“Well, back to your question,” Bucky moved his hands nonchalantly over his lap and your eyes followed his movement unashamedly, “I don't see why I shouldn't care about your life. We are partners, after all.”
Partners? After all you had been through? Were you partners? Did Bucky believe that?
“Are we?” you didn't try to hide the incredulous tone that accompanied your words, because it already sounded like you'd just stepped through the door into a parallel dimension.
“Sure,” Bucky nodded to emphasize your words and the calm expression on his face became more familiar with each passing second. Could it be that that had always been the reality and you had been deprived of it? “We've known each other for five years.”
“I always thought you hated me…” you mumbled to yourself, looking lost because your head recalling every fight of the last few years, since you met him, every tongue out and every exalted word, but his incredible hearing clearly picked up what you said as if you had murmured it in his ear.
“Surely it was a mistake in communication.”
“Mistake?” you frowned at his reassurance. “You always called me stubborn and childish every chance you got.”
“I thought we were annoying each other. Although, of course,” his face became a little more serious, “there were times when I knew you hated me intensely. You said really hurtful things, what was I supossed to do? That's why I never bothered to talk to you like this. You did hate me.”
“Because I thought you…! Argh.”
Bucky smiled again.
“You're the insufferable one, Barnes.”
You hated the way your head snapped back to that image in the living room, so peaceful and calm, so serene and warm, the moment his barely noticeable smile hit you again. You had barely managed to get those words out of your mouth before you felt yourself running out of breath again.
Were you asthmatic?
And why was your head suddenly filled with platonic thoughts you'd never had before in your life?
What the fuck was happening to you?
“This is the longest civilized conversation we've ever had,” Bucky spoke again, his gaze wandering somewhere in the room.
Yes, that was true. Whenever you talked for this long it was always to argue and say hurtful things to each other. But you were too surprised by everything he had said, because just yesterday he told you that he didn't want to come on this mission with you either and in his eyes you were sure you saw something like what you felt. Something of hatred, when you saw your eyes through his.
Did you just… imagine it all?
Did you think he hated you because you hated him too?
Or maybe you wanted to convince yourself that he hated you. Maybe it was easier to deal with that than with the idea that you…
Oh no.
No, no, no. There's no fucking way that's it.
But then Bucky stood up and with his smug, know-it-all, hateful look, with that sly, evil grin, like he'd always known everything, like he was squirming around enjoying your confused stare, he held out his hand to you and said:
“Shall we fix something to eat?”
Oh, no, you were screwed.
--
a/n: thank u so much for reading!! <3
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes angst#bucky fanfic#bucky fic#bucky barnes#bucky x you#bucky fluff#james bucky barnes#stxrvel talks#avengers#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky#james buchanan barnes#bucky x reader#bucky x y/n#winter soldier#the winter soldier
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hate is a strong word pt. 2
summary: it took you three fundamental moments to find out what your feelings were about and that maybe you didn't want to have them.
pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader
words: +3k
warnings: bad words, bucky's kinda flirting, reader is constantly flustered, the avengers are imprudent, still not a healthy relationship, angst at the very end because reader finds her feelings very confusing, pls don't come at her.
note: hi guys! i finally decided to publish this second part and the third one is going to be the last one. i only have like 10% of it but it's on the works. thanks to all of you who read and enjoy my works! hope you like this one too <;33
part 1 ; part 3
Bucky picked up a strange habit after that mission where you found out he didn't really hate you.
At times, when he had a mischievous gleam in his eye, Bucky would call you “doll”.
It was a nightmare.
Maybe the worst thing that could have happened to you was having that conversation with Bucky because now it seemed like he didn't want to let you have a single moment of peace. And he was enjoying it, that bastard was rejoicing in your shame. The first time he did it you wanted the earth to swallow you up, with several wall of eyes on you. You knew those glowing eyes meant danger and yet you walked around them.
Arriving from that mission was an odyssey because you were suddenly uncomfortable around him. It wasn't so much like that when you were alone with him, most of the time, but it was always so weird when there was someone else from the team around.
You two arrived at the Complex two days later. Everything was going well until you started down the ramp of the Quinjet and faces began to appear in the distance. You suddenly felt acutely aware of the closeness of Bucky's body to yours and, not at all disguised, you moved to the other side as you continued down. Bucky barely gave you a sidelong glance with that unabashed grin.
You both stopped when you got in front of the others and even though you were sure they had questions to ask you, an awkward silence surrounded you.
Everyone was looking every which way, especially between you and Bucky, as if they could sense that something had happened. It made your insides churn just remembering it.
But finally it was Sam Wilson who put an end to the silence, sentencing you to eternal sorrow.
“Did you two hook up or something?”
Bucky didn't say anything, other than try to swallow a laugh and all you could do was break their line, stepping in between Sam and Tony and brushing their shoulders hard. No one said anything until you could no longer hear them.
Bucky later told you that he had cleared things up, but that didn't put your mind at ease.
But, well, anyway, back to the main topic. Bucky made it his new sport to call you doll in random situations to get on your nerves. Sometimes he would do it when you two were alone, and well, that didn't upset you that much. But other times, the bastard would do it when he knew there were people who could hear him just to enjoy your upset and confused expression. God, you hated him so much.
And you'd like to think that with the time that had passed you had gotten used to it, but the truth is, it was impossible to get used to it. That Bucky started calling you by that nickname seemed to have flipped some switch, because you couldn't help but think that things around him had changed. Suddenly you were starting to feel like it was too much to be around him, too intense, too annoying, too hot-
Argh. Whatever.
You were having lunch with Natasha on the cafeteria balcony, trying to dispel from your head all the times during that day Bucky had used that… awkward nickname with you. You stabbed at the pasta shells with your fork with a blank stare and a scowl.
“So, it's been a month, has it?” Natasha spoke, her back erect with the spoon full of stew halfway to her mouth.
You shook your head slightly to turn to look at her. “A month of what?”
“Since you got back from the mission. You and…”
Natasha shook her head pointing inside the cafeteria and yes, there was the owner of your nightmares.
“Oh yeah, what about it?”
“You never told me what happened.”
“Because there's nothing to tell, Romanoff, don't-”
“Did you two fuck?”
Your mouth opened wide. You couldn't believe what the woman in front of you had just asked.
“Natasha…” you frowned at her, your voice coming out with reprimanding ink.
“What? Talking about sex is normal these days.”
“Ugh,” you grimaced, shaking your head. “I can't believe it. You better shut up, let me at least enjoy lunch. It's the only time of the day where I can be left alone.”
You heard the spy's deep breathing, but she finally dropped the subject for the sake of peace.
You took a calming breath and tried to enjoy your meal.
“What's up, girls?” someone appeared out of nowhere and sat down in the middle of Natasha and you.
“Hey, Clint,” you replied listlessly, hoping he'd entertain himself talking to Natasha and they'd completely forget you were there.
It was surprising, but those last few days you had spent more time with Clint than with any other member of the team. He seemed to be the only person who didn't really care about whatever it was that had happened between you and Bucky, which was really nothing. So, usually, if you had free time, you preferred to spend it around him.
It wasn't that the others were all the time bugging you and making comments about it, like Natasha did today, but by trying to keep things “the way they were” the environments became very uncomfortable. It was like everyone had convinced themselves that they had to ignore something that wasn't there. Everything was more tense for no apparent reason.
“How was the mission?” you heard Natasha say as you watched the green field in the distance.
“Luckily, very easy. I gathered the intel and saved the hostages. That girl's a lunatic, isn't she?”
“You betcha. And that we haven't directly encountered her, except for Y/N.”
You shook your head in assent when you heard your name.
“It must have been awful.”
It was on the next mission you had after the mission with Bucky, just two days later. It was supposed to be a recon mission, because the data showed she wasn't there anymore, but you ran into her in the middle of an attack. People called her Dark Lightning, some would say it was because of her hair and her shiny suit, but the truth was literal: the woman could summon very powerful dark rays.
You didn't quite understand where she came from because your specialty was HYDRA remnants, but Fury asked you for the favor and, well, you also wanted to get out of the Complex, even if it was only for a few hours.
So as anything could go wrong, in the middle of the mission Dark Lightning showed up and gave a good beating to the whole team, including you. You spent a week in recovery and well, there you were. You had been assigned jobs that you could handle from a computer in the comfort of your room while Fury decided when you could return to the field.
“Yes, she has a fascination with electrocuting people for fun. I think we've seen worse, but she's pretty close.”
“Who could have done worst?”
Natasha and you answered without hesitation. “Ultron.”
“Are you serious?” Clint narrowed his eyes in disbelief.
“He may not have lasted more than a day, but if he had, we'd all be screwed. We wouldn't even be having this conversation because we'd be extinct,” you made your point, stealing some potato chips from Natasha's tray.
The redhead nodded at your words. “The android had access to the entire internet, the entire history of humanity and simply decided that extinction was the solution.”
“Mmm, I think you're giving him too much credit,” Clint waved his hand in a nonchalant gesture, after taking a huge bite of his burger. “Thor's brother was terrible too, wasn't he?”
Natasha and you looked at each other, before you both shrugged to reluctantly agree with Clint. Yes it was true that he had caused a lot of havoc, but that you say a worldwide threat, maybe not so much.
-
Natasha and Clint dropped you off in front of what had become your new office since working at the Complex. You had a long conversation with them about villains that you didn't want to hear about evil and malevolent plans again for quite a while, but you had to deal with that at work.
You sighed looking at the time on your cell phone. Bucky was supposed to be in there already.
Oh yeah, you worked with Bucky too. Why? You weren't quite sure, but the first day you were there, Barnes walked in like he owned the place without saying anything and sat in the empty chair across the room. The room wasn't that big, so you were always relatively close.
Besides, you also didn't know at what point Bucky became the tech guru enough for Fury to delegate a completely electronic job to him. But in order not to provoke anyone or anything, you decided to remain silent.
You opened the door with a sigh and… yes, there was Bucky.
“Hey, doll.”
He gave you half a look and went back to staring at the screen in front of him. You stuck your tongue out at his back with a frown and rolled your eyes as you closed the door. At first you were glad that you didn't have to argue with him all the time anymore, but sometimes you preferred that to having to put up with hearing that nickname all the time.
“If you really don't like it,” you heard Bucky's voice again after you sat down in front of your computer and you couldn't help but wince because you instantly knew what he meant, “why don't you ask me to stop?”
You knew he had turned to look at you, you felt his gaze drilling into your head, but you weren't going to turn to see him. You couldn't let him take the pleasure of seeing your agitated expression and the way your eyes gave you away. You were fighting too hard with yourself to try to keep all those weird feelings at bay for him to come along and upset you with five little words.
“You know I'd listen to you.”
“Stop it,” you turned against your will, trying to maintain a strong front. “Let me work.”
You turned quickly again, your heart beating so fast and hard against your ribs that you feared it might bolt. The quick glimpse you got of his playful blue eyes so close to you was enough adrenaline for the rest of the day.
God, you had to learn to control yourself more.
“As you wish, ma'am.”
God, how you hated it.
-
The second round that day was a couple of hours later, when the whole team was called together to give the weekly previews.
Tony and Steve went first, being the leaders of the missions against Dark Lightning, reporting that they had made great strides in locating several places she was using as hideouts thanks to information provided to them by intelligence, namely Bucky and you.
Clint gave a short report on his last mission and a strategy for the next attack was quickly planned.
Then, it was your dependency's turn. As you had spoken the week before, it was now Bucky's turn.
Without a word, the man moved to the podium and planted himself there looking at everyone present.
“We still have no new information on Dark Lightning. Her last location dated back to a place near New Mexico, but from there we lost track of her. We're using the satellites to see if we can find her.”
You shook your head in a nod. That was correct.
“We haven't detected any unusual developments about the HYDRA remnant settlements either. They seem to be… somewhat quiet for now.”
Yes, that was one way of putting it.
“We also need a new extension,” Bucky jerked his head in Fury's direction, who quickly nodded taking it for granted.
Ah, yes, you definitely needed it.
“And that's it. Anything you want to add, doll?”
Your own breath caught in your throat, causing you to hiccup which couldn't have been more embarrassing. As the blood froze in your veins, a string of awkward coughs and chair movements followed Bucky's words.
Even though you felt like you were dying inside, you looked him in the eye and firmly said, “No, Barnes.”
Your lethal gaze followed his soft smile and the way he nodded and then stepped down from the podium and walked to sit in his place next to you. As if he hadn't just embarrassed you, he picked up the bottle with water in front of him and took it as if it was nothing, paying attention to Wanda who had just taken his place.
And you wanted to pay attention to her, because sometimes the team would make requests and you had to take note, but you couldn't take your eyes off Bucky's profile in front of you, how his blue eyes were focused on Wanda or the way his lips curved slightly, almost imperceptible, that if you hadn't been watching as you were you would have missed it for sure.
You noticed his eyebrows raised as the room erupted in laughter. He took that moment to speak to you without looking you directly in the eye:
“What's wrong?”
You frowned at his profile. “What's wrong? You ask me what's wrong?”
At Bucky's puzzled look, you moved your chair until you were close enough to him for him to understand your whispers. Well, sure, though, super soldier…
“Why did you do that in front of the whole team?” you reproached him amid whispers, drawing a chuckle from him. All around everyone was still talking loudly, so Bucky didn't care too much about the sound of his voice.
You did. Not only because someone might hear you and embarrass you again if you didn't speak softer, but also because that laughter wasn't doing you any good. You felt your stomach turn until you felt like throwing up.
“I already told you that you can ask me to stop at any time and I will,” Bucky shrugged, his gaze still focused on the person on the platform.
“Why are you so insufferable?”
The man set the bottle with water down on the table and suddenly turned to face you. You were speechless at his closeness.
“Why don't you just say it? Or don't you want me to stop?”
You swallowed saliva as best you could, because suddenly your mouth felt too dry. You didn't know what his closeness was doing to your body, but you felt like you were going to explode like fireworks at any moment.
“I just want you to stop embarrassing me in front of the rest of the team,” you spoke between whispers, trying to keep your composure.
Bucky suddenly flashed that sly grin you hated so much.
“So you'd rather I only call you that when we're alone?”
You tried to calm your racing heart with deep breaths, but the truth was that you had lost all sense of reality several seconds ago. You felt like you were in a room alone with Bucky as a haunting silence enveloped you two as the tension continued to build. You could no longer hear any words but the ones coming out of his mouth and you could barely hear your thoughts. You felt that this exaltation was going to suffocate you.
And when his eyes lowered for less than a second, when you realized that he looked at your lips for a thousandth of a second, at that moment you came out of your trance. You blinked rapidly.
“I'd rather you stop trying to annoy me with those provocations.”
“What provocations, doll? We're just talking.”
You let out a growl under your breath, partly out of frustration and partly because of the euphoric way your body reacted to hearing his deeper-than-normal voice.
“You're getting on my nerves, Barnes.”
“Just say the magic words, doll. It'll be over as soon as you snap your fingers.”
“Why don't you just forget about it and leave it alone?”
“Because I like calling you that, don't you?”
“No,” you frowned at the bitterness that settled in the back of your throat. “You get on my nerves. You stress me out, Barnes.”
“God, you look so hot when you get mad.”
Bucky thought he mumbled it and he probably did, but neither of you noticed the dead silence that had taken over the room. You didn't even dare to tear your gaze away from his when you noticed his pupils disappear.
You didn't even have time to think about the abomination that had come out of his mouth, let alone its physical effect on your body, because shame came down on you once again like a bucket of cold water.
Fuck, not again. I can't.
I can't even narrate it.
-
The third round was the next day. You had been standing in front of the office door wondering if you should go in or not. Anyway, Bucky was doing such a good job for both of you, you didn't think much would happen if you didn't work that day. But no, the sense of responsibility wouldn't leave you alone.
So you opened the door and sat down quickly in your chair without even giving him a glance. But you still couldn't escape him.
On the table in front of the keyboard was a small open box with your favorite dessert from the cafeteria and a glass with a metal straw filled to the brim with your favorite drink. Maybe it was too early for that much sugar, but you couldn't help the smile your face succumbed to as you looked at two of your favorite things in front of you.
Until you heard him.
“I'm sorry,” Bucky spoke behind you.
Though the smile on your face disappeared, your chest constricted at the sound of his contrite voice. Ugh, you hated so much you couldn't control those crazy emotions inside your chest.
“Yesterday I got caught up in the moment and… Well, no, I was just willfully reckless. I'm sorry I put you through that.”
You sighed looking at the detail he had gotten you and thought deeply about his words. You knew his apology was sincere and that his detail came from the heart, but you felt confused inside about how to proceed.
“If you want me to stop, then I will.”
Your ears pricked up at that, straightening up on the back of the chair. Bucky was giving you what you had so desperately asked for finally, but… why didn't that make you feel good?
“I'm truly sorry for making you uncomfortable all this time. I thought… No, that doesn't matter. I should have stopped from the beginning. I'm sorry, Y/N.”
Unlike how you had felt on different occasions, that time when your heart pounded out of control, you felt a chill run through your entire body. You felt like your heartbeat was going to stop at some point because of the whiplash of pain that coursed through your chest.
No, that didn't feel right, so it must not be right.
You turned around on the swivel chair, meeting Bucky's pained face head on.
“If you want to yell at me, go ahead,” he said, straightening up and hardening his features as if he expected a blow.
“I…” the words crowded in your mouth, you weren't even sure what it was you wanted to say to him.
But his face softened once more and his clear eyes sparkling like two stars in the sky reassured you a little.
“I don't quite know how I feel,” you finally told him, your face contracted in concern. “I don't quite understand how I feel and… I don't think I can handle this.”
You pointed between you and Bucky, and the man finally took on a calmer expression. He let the air out as if he had finally pulled his head out of the water.
“That's fine, Y/N. It's a start. You may not know how to handle those emotions, but you can recognize them now.”
“But I don't know if I want them,” you frowned, your own body contradicting your words as you wanted to move closer to the man who had just tried to pretend that what he'd heard hadn't hurt a bit. “I don't know if I want to have these emotions for you.”
Bucky was silent for several seconds, his face inscrutable as your heart continued to pound wildly. For a moment you wondered if he could hear it too.
“That too- that's okay too,” Bucky nodded slightly, his eyes reluctantly moving from the floor to meet yours. The lack of brightness in them caused another ache in your chest. That was what you didn't want, that pain, that desperation to want to soothe it. You hated it. “It's okay if you don't want to have them. We could- could spend some time away so you can deal with it.”
“Would that solve it?” you dared to ask, even though your whole being screamed against that idea.
“I think it would,” Bucky gave you a smile, not at all similar to the ones you had seen before. That one was much sadder, duller, bleak…
“Then I think I might give it a try.”
No, maybe not, you wouldn't put up with that pain. It was better to feel the shame. Yes, definitely. Much better were Bucky's sly smirks instead of that smile that couldn't even reach his opaque eyes.
Oh no, what did you just do?
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes angst#bucky fanfic#bucky fic#bucky barnes#bucky x you#bucky fluff#james bucky barnes#stxrvel talks#avengers#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky x reader#bucky x y/n#winter soldier#the winter soldier#bucky barnes x you#bucky
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i don't wanna live forever (1)
summary: reader couldn't stop having deaths in her life ever since the Supersoldier serum came into her life. no matter how hard she tried to stay sane, it seemed that life didn't want to give her a break. until, one afternoon, she learned that one of her old friends was alive… (you guys know im bad at summaries, but please give this one a chance)
pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader
words: +4.5k
warnings: angst, major character deaths, canon deaths¿?, bad words, english is not my first language! thoughts of revenge and death, this is like an introductory chapter, so the buckyxreader interaction is low, but it'll get better, i promise!
note: holy fuck guys. i just spent like five hours writing and editing this and i fucking love it. its been a while since ive been this proud of a work, im actually scare the emotion will disappear, but i really want to rejoice in this one. i wanted to write something a little different from my usuals, maybe a little common in the fanfiction world, but i started and i simply could not stop (or maybe just approach this bucky fic from another perspective). so this is the first part and i'll try with all my heart to keep this going because it was fucking insane, at least for me. i really hope you all like this as much as i do! feel free to leave any comment! thanks always for all the support!! see you next time <3
part 2 ; part 3 ; part 4
When you went into the Supersoldier serum project with Steve, you thought you were going to change the world. Of course, at that time when technology was relatively new any invention felt like the beginning of a new era. That's how it was all sold to you and it was how you expected everything to turn out… Until you realized that it was all really a waste of effort and time.
They were just propaganda for war. Not to stop it, to promote it. To motivate it.
You tried, on several occasions, not to think too much about it. You tried to stay out of it as Steve sometimes asked you to, even though even he didn't want to, as Bucky asked you to when you lay on his shoulder to cry in the little time you had free between trips. It was a great burden of guilt and helplessness.
Until you and Steve, with the almost imposed help of Peggy and Howard, rescued Bucky from the evil hands of Johann Schmidt and his nefarious organization, HYDRA, that, unbeknownst to you, would haunt you for a long time to come. It was only after that, after spending several sleepless days on edge thinking about what might be happening to Bucky, that you and Steve were finally able to go out and contribute something. Destroy HYDRA and the Red Skull's plans.
Of course, you realized that not everything could go right when, the one mission you couldn't attend, Bucky didn't return. And then Steve didn't come back either.
“Do you think this will ever end?” you had asked Bucky the day before his last mission.
“Of course it will,” he had answered without hesitation, moonlight illuminating his clear eyes, squeezing your hand as if it was all he wanted to do for the rest of his life. “And after that we can begin to live as it should be.”
But there was no after that, because you never recovered from losing him. From losing them both.
“Are you okay?” Peggy approached, in the middle of the afternoon when the sun was streaming through the stained glass windows of the church, illuminating the spot where Steve's empty coffin had been, because they didn't even find his body. They didn't even think there was any of it left.
You barely moved your head to acknowledge her presence, moving the prayer slip they had recited throughout the mass between your hands. Your eyes were crystallized, in tears that no longer even made the effort to flow, because you had already spent too many days and nights crying. Peggy had been on the other side of the church, sitting next to Howard while the priest spoke, because you had refused to be near them in those moments. You didn't want to be near them.
“As well as one can be,” you slurred, finding that it had been a long time since you'd last used your voice for anything other than cursing and crying disconsolately.
The people had already left, probably an hour or more ago. The empty coffin had already been brought out, all the flower arrangements had been picked up, and the priest was preparing for the evening mass. You knew you had to leave, you knew Peggy and Howard were there waiting for you, but you felt stuck at that moment. You didn't want to leave, you didn't want to get ahead, you didn't want that life if it had to be this cruel.
You heard Peggy's sigh, before she took a seat next to you, a short distance away, averting her gaze to look at Christ on the cross.
You didn't know if you were selfish to be so closed off to your friends at this moments, because they must be grieving as much as you were, but you didn't know how to deal with the future possibilities. Bucky and Steve, great men and soldiers, one even with enhanced abilities, had not been able to make it through the punishment of war. What if Peggy and Howard were the same? What if they too had the cruel fate of dying at the hands of injustice? Could you deal with that? With everyone gone?
Maybe you could open up to them a little more because if not, who else? Turning away from them was not going to ensure their survival in this hate-filled society. Maybe you could protect them, like you couldn't protect Steve and Bucky. Maybe you could make a difference, because you had the chance to.
“You know,” Peggy spoke again, rearranging herself on the bench and crossing her legs, “Steve always knew this was how it would end.”
Her wistful, mournful, fragile voice sent a shiver through your body. Peggy didn't consider herself someone to show herself vulnerable in front of others no matter how close they were, even in those things that hurt her the most, in those things that affected her personally and made her eyes water instantly, she always tended to shut down. And at that moment you didn't dare interrupt her because you knew it would probably be the only time she would talk about Steve in a long time.
“Sometimes we'd talk, between tour trips, and he would tell me that wasn't what he wanted to do, even when he had to convince you otherwise,” her clasped hands would occasionally squeeze between words, blinking rapidly to fight back the tears. “He didn't know if he'd made the right decision.”
You could almost picture him, backstage at the foot of the stairs with that notebook he carried everywhere and wouldn't let go, Peggy at his side nostalgic, as helpless as the others. It reminded you of the times you'd had similar conversations with Bucky, desperate to find a purpose, a way through so much fog.
“The first time I saw him so sure of himself was when he asked us to help them look for Bucky,” she mumbled his name, as if trying not to scare you away by saying it too loudly. “Ever since then it seemed like he'd found that spark…”
“Until Bucky died,” you whispered, the words cutting through the cold and silence, Peggy shifting on the bench contritely.
“He lost something of himself from that day on, it wasn't hard to tell. The next time I heard him so sure after spending days lost, it was on that call from the plane.”
Peggy paused, raising her hand to cover her mouth as her voice faltered. You turned to look at her, wishing you could rip the pain from her soul and leave it in yours. She was trying to contain her emotions, breathing deeply, and in that moment you wondered what life might be like from now on, with the specter of grief following you around, waiting for the next time the dead knocked on your doors, unexpectedly, without allowing you to say goodbye.
“He had told me he wouldn't die in peace until he could get it all over with. And he took it all with him. And I hated him so much for it…” Peggy sobbed, her labored breathing standing out between words. She kept looking straight ahead at the stained glass windows, the expression on her face hard and scowling despite having tears rolling down her cheeks, as if she were trying to blame something for what had happened. Her reproachful eyes fixed on the Christ.
Her wails echoed through the walls of the church, the father on the dais sending them a look of sorrow. He had offered you water, thirty minutes after everyone at Steve's wake had left, when they kept walking, and you stood there.
Another empty casket.
“Ladies,” Howard's voice reached your ears amidst all the physical and emotional numbness. You could barely notice Peggy wiping under her eyes with the pocket square that was surely part of Howard's suit, as she took breaths to get up. “We should go now.”
You heard him walk, his slow, careful steps stopping just behind you. There, on his feet with his chest tight, he rested a hand on your shoulder and gave it a squeeze in support. He knew it was the most you would allow him at a time like this, deciding not to pass up the opportunity to let you know he was there. You sighed, feeling a heaviness take over your body as you stood up.
“Yeah, let's go.”
The next few months passed in a blur. Maybe too fast, maybe too slow, you weren't sure anymore.
Peggy continued to work at the Strategic Science Reserve for a couple of years, calling you from time to time to help her with some jobs. You kept a low profile, practically a fugitive from the state, while trying to live a halfway normal life in Europe. A lot of it thanks to Howard really.
Life had become a rather monotonous routine when you stopped getting so many calls from Peggy and Howard several years later. You knew they were fine, but not being able to return to the country filled you with anguish every day. And trying to lead a normal life became too complicated when you looked in the mirror and it seemed like not a single day had passed since you were in that capsule of Dr. Erskine's with Steve.
Until Peggy called one day asking you to come back. She told you that it was safe, that there would be no state officials waiting for you at the airport, but even if that had been the situation, you wouldn't have hesitated for a second to buy the first plane ticket and fly to see them again. To Howard and Peggy, to melt into an embrace, longing for the lost years.
You had thought that contributing to the fight in World War II had earned you a ticket to at least be recognized in the military, but all you gained was the government with their mad scientists looking for you to try to recreate the Supersoldier serum. Peggy didn't want to risk you and Howard gave you no choice by giving you a plane ticket to Finland with your bags packed.
You wasted many years not being by their side, unable to keep the promise you had made them in your head to be close by to protect them, to watch over their safety.
But when you left the airport there was only Peggy, and maybe that should've told you everything.
Her hair already looked gray, the effects of gravity and time present on her face. You hated to think that you shouldn't have looked any different from the way she saw you last time when she waved you off at that same airport. Her warm gaze was the same, raising her arms with held back tears to encircle you in a big hug. She tried hard not to sob against your shoulder, you felt the choppy movement of her breath against your chest.
She looked so different and the same at the same time.
You walked to her car a moment later, her trying to carry your suitcase and you telling her you were perfectly fine carrying it on your own. Amidst a smile, she walked into the driver's door and you frowned as you saw the empty passenger seat.
“Where's Howard?” you spoke as you sat down, after stowing the huge suitcase in the trunk of the car. The way you moved to buckle up, you didn't notice the way Peggy froze in place, her hands clenching the steering wheel so tightly that her breath hitched from the effort.
“We're going to see him,” was all she said, but she was very good at hiding that something was wrong. Only for a little while.
During the trip, even though you tried to ask things about them, about what they had been doing during this time, you didn't miss the way her shoulders were tense or her eyes very alert. Something bad had happened and Peggy was trying to hide it from you.
When she pulled up in front of a church, you already knew what had happened without her answering a single one of your questions.
Howard had died.
You two had sat next to Howard's son Tony, his spitting image, in complete silence as the prayers went on. At that moment you didn't know what had happened, hoping it had been a quiet and peaceful death, because you didn't know if you would be able to endure another violent death.
Peggy gave you all the details when the mass was over, after the coffin was taken away, and you hadn't felt such fury in so many years. Not since the deaths of Bucky and Steve had that adrenaline rush of anger returned to run through your body as violently as it did at that moment, when Peggy told you that he had been murdered along with his wife. All to steal some prototypes of Dr. Erskine's serum. The damned serums with which everything had started.
This time there was a body in the coffin, but there was also a culprit. Someone to point the finger at and take it out on for years of anguish and pain.
You were at Peggy's house, staying for a few days, when she told you that wasn't all.
Peggy had a suspicion that HYDRA hadn't disappeared when Steve crashed that plane into the ice. Her suspicions generated panic in you, because Bucky and Steve had died for that, now apparently Howard, only for it all to have been for nothing. The feeling of carnage that ran through your whole head made you nauseous, years of helplessness and pain pent up in such a small body had to find its way out somehow.
“It was a man, according to the information I've been able to gather,” Peggy spoke, taking a seat across from you in the dining room of her living room, after pouring you a glass of lemonade. “He didn't die from the crash. He had a concussion. He was hit in the head. His wife died from asphyxiation.”
“Does Tony know?”
“No,” Peggy shook her head quickly, one hand over her heart as if the mere thought caused her physical pain. “It didn't even occur to me to tell him something like that.”
“And he was looking for the serum,” you recalled, a bitter feeling planted in the back of your throat, the memories of the disastrous times during the war coming back into your head like a blinding flash.
“He took them. We don't know who he is or who he works for, but whoever they are, they must have been following us for a long time to know about them.”
“You mean years,” you arched an eyebrow, your fingers touching the cool exterior of the glass seeking some reassurance.
“Possibly. That project isn't recent,” Peggy nodded, drinking her lemonade with a grimace. You stared at the liquid almost finished from her glass, a wrinkle forming between your brows with each passing second and you kept wondering why.
“But what the fuck was going through that asshole's head?” you spat angrily. Rage at already the amount of lives that serum had taken with it and at Howard's recklessness. Rage at the reaper who seemed to be following in their footsteps for some reason, rage at that damn man and whoever his damn boss was.
“It was the only option, Y/N,” Peggy turned her gaze, meeting your eyes with a strange glint.
“What do you mean?” you were almost afraid to ask, your friend's gaze suddenly turning evasive. You watched her run her fingernails over the glass of the tumbler, lost for a moment in thought. The way her shoulders slumped forward in defeat caused a pressure in your chest that made it hard to breathe. Peggy shouldn't be going through these things at this point in life.
“Howard was working with the Pentagon, as a contractor or something. They had found you. Howard felt cornered and they made him sign an agreement.”
With your incredulous look on her face, Peggy didn't dare look back at you for a few seconds. So much had happened since you had left and it seemed that you had only been told about the things you weren't going to care about so much. But if you had known that you wouldn't have cared much about giving some of the state officials their comeuppance. You would've liked Howard to trust you enough to tell you, not live in as much fear behind his back as the last few years must've been. You didn't like the way Peggy's lips curved downward, as if she, too, would've preferred to make another decision had she known this was how it was going to end.
“Howard assured them that he could recreate the serum, and told them he would as long as they left you alone.”
“Fucking asshole…” you closed your eyes, scrubbing your face with your hands. The rough skin of your hands rubbed against the delicate skin of your face, years of combat and mistreatment foreseeing a harshness that reminded you every day of what you'd had to go through to get to that moment.
“I only found out about it after it happened. I didn't see it for like a whole week,” Peggy shook her head slightly, her eyes glistening in the pain of the memories. You shook your head hard, a more violent reaction than you could have anticipated.
“That stupid… stupid asshole! What the fuck made him think I couldn't defend myself?”
“He was trying to do the right thing,” Peggy finally searched your eyes, meeting the red rims that told her you were holding back too hard breaking in front of her, only using that pain mixed with rage to keep you sane.
“And look how that turned out!”
Peggy stretched her hand across the table, with a pleading look asking you to lower your voice, averting her gaze to the hallway. You followed her gaze, for a second forgetting where you were, forgetting that her family was with you behind the doors where you were plunged into darkness. It was past midnight.
You took a second to calm yourself, trying to drown out the uncontrolled emotions and taking deep breaths to calm your fluttering heart.
“And if what you theorize is true…” you regretted the moment those words left your mouth; you didn't even want to finish the sentence.
“Do you think it is?”
“I don't want to,” you shook your head instantly, closing your eyes, the thought sounding illogical inside your head. Your hands on your chest trying to contain the storm of feelings that was making chaos inside your head. “That would mean that everything we did, everything Bucky, Steve and Howard did and sacrificed, was in vain. It will all have been in vain.”
You spent several weeks with that thought in your head, working hand in hand with Peggy, and the organization you barely knew as SHIELD, to track down the whereabouts of the killer of Tony's parents and the one responsible because the Supersoldier's serums were, surely, in the wrong hands.
And yes, it was many years of fruitless missions and dead ends, with you running every field mission and Peggy calling the shots from the New York facility. Every time you felt close to discovering something, it seemed that the enemy rejoiced in your failures and still couldn't understand how they were always three steps ahead.
However, you had to leave the missions when Peggy became ill.
The silent, lethal Alzheimer's.
During the first months in the hospital, she still recognized you. She also recognized her husband and children. But after the first year, she frowned every time her children walked through the door. After a year and a half, her husband had to remind her that they had been married for about forty years.
After two years, she was still only remembering you, Howard, Steve and Bucky. Her whole life during her time in the army was all you talked about, sometimes you would tell her how much more time had passed than she remembered and always, without fail, she would ask you how much you had done in Europe for so long by yourself.
She cried every time she remembered Howard's death. She cried every time she remembered her children. Out of her mouth came a thousand apologies that no one would accept, because there was nothing anyone could do to prevent what had to happen. You wished she had been a serum test subject instead of you.
For several years, missions to find Tony's parents killer were sporadic because you spent more time around Peggy than at the SHIELD facility. She was the only thing you had left of everything you'd ever had, of when you held the world in your hands. She was the last thing keeping you tethered to that reality, keeping madness from flooding your reason. How could you have so many years ahead of you when that was all you had to live for? A life full of the dead, full of pain and suffering. What kind of karma were you paying for?
You were leaving the SHIELD facility, after another failed mission, when Nick Fury stopped you in front of the exit. You almost rolled your eyes right under his watchful gaze, tired of having to meet him anywhere, and exhausted from his comments about this vengeance project or whatever he wanted you to be a part of.
You still didn't know how, being such an exemplary agent, Coulson had fallen into his nets.
“Miss L/N,” the man stopped you with his words, his hands behind his back and a tense stance that caught your attention.
“Fury,” you nodded in his direction, hoping he'd be quick because you were running late for your weekly visit with Peggy. “Do you need anything?”
“I'd like you to come with me somewhere,” Fury approached tentatively, his one eye fixed on your wary expression, which shifted to boredom the moment you thought you knew what he wanted.
“If this is about that project, I've told you a thousand times-”
“No,” he interrupted you, moving forward and removing his hands from behind his back. “It's not related to that. I really want you to come with me.”
“You look agitated, but I need-”
“I'll take you to see Peggy myself after this.”
You didn't like that he knew your routine, even though you weren't doing enough to hide it from the other agents. But Fury looked nervous, even though he was hiding it very well, trying to keep his cool as he looked for ways to convince you.
You figured it wouldn't be a big deal for you to go off the deep end for once. After all, Peggy never remembered you were going to see her.
You set off in Fury's armored vans, not quite sure where you were going, but sure that it was urgent, because he had taken it upon himself to let his driver know that you had to get there as soon as possible.
You took that time on the trip to come up with a new strategy for the next mission because what you were doing up to that point wasn't working and you felt too close to throwing in the towel, figuratively speaking. You could spend years following a ghost, but you wouldn't give up on finding Howard and Maria's killer.
Before the car pulled up to one of SHIELD's secret sections, they passed the giant, imposing Stark Tower. You never saw Tony again after that time at his parents' funeral, not even during his visits to Peggy because you always made it a point not to cross him. You didn't think you'd be able to look him in the eye while you knew his parents had been killed without being able to tell him. You had promised Peggy in her lucid moments that you wouldn't tell him anything until you could find the culprit. You didn't want to initiate that pain if it had to be kept repressed, as yours once was, and probably still is. You had learned, some time after the funeral, that he was living with Edwin Jarvis, and you were glad to know that he would have good companionship to keep him company in such hard times.
Fury, a handful of agents and you entered the vans through the entrance to what appeared to be the parking lot of an old warehouse. Upon entering, the first thing you noticed was the number of armed agents that seemed to be guarding the place, not at all discreet to how SHIELD used to do things. You weren't sure if Peggy would authorize something like that, but you couldn't question the Director's decisions. It wasn't your place.
“What's going on here?” you frowned, watching as every meter there was another agent and another agent. You got out of the car without waiting for an answer from Fury, moving directly toward the entrance where most of the agents were concentrated. You barely noticed their looks in contradiction, running their eyes over you and then over the man trying to catch up to you, dubious as to whether or not they should move. “Move.”
“Wait,” Fury's voice stopped the command in the agents, who turned back to look at you as you sent Fury a confused look.
“What's all this mystery, Nicholas?” the man startled almost discreetly at your tone of voice, the agents stirring uncomfortably, but kept the serene expression that was getting on your nerves. “What the fuck did you do?”
“We got a call from the Arctic.”
“From the Arctic?”
You tried to ignore the way the hairs on your neck instantly stood up, your body alerting you to something your mind still couldn't comprehend. You felt like a deer face to face with a predator, expecting the worst.
“The Colonel informed us of something that might interest us,” Fury's cryptic voice echoed in your ears, drowning out the flicker of uncertainty vibrating from your head to your toes. “They found a plane.”
You didn't even answer him. Your heart began to pound wildly, cornered, ready to have your head bitten off. The tension in your shoulders intensified, with the involuntary movement of your hands as you broke into a cold sweat. The mere implication of his words caused an emptiness in your stomach, a sense of longing and fear you hadn't felt before.
You looked at Fury, trying to find in his gaze the gleam of a lie, but there was nothing there but assurance. There was nothing but recognition and understanding in his gaze, but that didn't make the emptiness in your stomach and the tight chest go away. It didn't make the feeling of being outside your body go away.
You barely remembered to move in the direction of the door, the agents instantly moving out of your way, pushing it so hard that one of them flew out. You moved your eyes around every corner of the room, the cream-colored walls generating a great repulsion in you. And there, in the midst of all the confusion and the storm, a confused and disgruntled face looked back at you. A face you never thought you would see again.
Steve Rogers was standing a few feet away from you, barely comprehending what was happening around him and instantly recognizing you. Your chest compressed once again, the tears you held back for so many years even in your loneliness making their own way into your eyes, endangering to end that mask you wore everywhere you went.
Steve was actually there, looking back at you with his eyes shining in recognition. You didn't know if he was as surprised as you were to react or you looked so bad that he didn't know if he should approach you or not. You just knew it was him, it really was him right there in front of you. He wasn't dead. Steve wasn't dead. He was alive. Ah, he was so alive.
The broken sob that suddenly left you was loud enough to make your friend shed his stupefaction and stride over to where you were. You barely managed to cover your face, between sobs, wails and disbelief, feeling your knees give out, surrendering to the weight of the pain, when his strong arms grabbed your shoulders before you hit the floor. Preventing your fall, as you had wished so many times before.
You cried against his shoulder, when feeling him against your body you knew there was no doubt it was true. You moved your hands away from your face, wrapping them around his waist as tightly and lovingly as you hadn't hugged anyone in so long. Surely the last time you hugged someone like that was when you saw Peggy on your way back from Europe.
Steve wasn't far behind, his arms around your shoulders just as tightly, his chin against the crown of your head, moving from side to side trying to hold back the loud sobs that shook your body.
You couldn't believe it, but it was true, he was right in front of you.
Steve was alive. He had come back to your side. You didn't even want to ask why.
And there was nothing else you could think about for the rest of your life.
#stxrvel talks#bucky barnes x reader#bucky fanfic#bucky fic#bucky x you#bucky fluff#bucky barnes angst#james bucky barnes#bucky barnes#bucky x reader#bucky#james bucky buchanan barnes#winter soldier#the winter soldier#steve rogers
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hate is a strong word pt. 3
summary: after a few bumps, you and Bucky finally have that long-awaited conversation.
pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader
words: +5k
warnings: bad words, mentions of kidnapping and trauma surrounding it, reader is still stubborn when it comes to ther safety, mention of thoughts regarding death or possible death, reader tries to play it cool in front of everyone but she has a big trauma inside, reader is finally taking her time to understand things, bucky barnes?
note: this took me a while but still i hope you guys like this! this is the final part for this mini series and it didn't end up being as long as i thought but im still really satisfied. just know that feedback is always appreciated and i love reading your comments! see you next time <3
previous
Things had become tense at the Complex. Not because of you, or Bucky. Black Lightning was attacking all of the Avengers' blind spots and was leaving them defenseless on the battlefield. It might seem like a joke that a single person with the power of lightning could defeat the planet's greatest defenders, but they couldn't underestimate a person with pain, a purpose and nothing to lose.
You had not been cleared to return to the field, yet Fury entrusted you with a special mission.
Find the infiltrator.
It was no surprise to anyone that lately it seemed Black Lightning was always three steps ahead of all your plans, any ambush or surprise takeover would be reversed and they would end up back at the starting point. Fury, very thoroughly, gave you a list of possible suspects that you were to intercept any communications from. Even though you couldn't go out in the field, you had a job that was almost as important, so you did it with great zeal.
But it was already ten days away. And, although the director didn't ask you to, you also kept an eye on the activity of the team members against Black Lightning, trying to spot any suspicious behavior through the cameras.
That's how you came to be in front of his desk, asking him to let you chase a man who went out every day at the same time and always came back two hours later, without fail. It would be too complicated for him to accept, for the same reason you weren't going on field missions yet, but you had to try. Besides, who else would he send if no one else on the team knew about it? He had to trust you.
He had to, and yet…
“No fucking way,” the director shook his head, taking with the air your precious opportunity to provide the team with a way out.
“This might be the only chance we have to get the upper hand on her,” you scowled at him, indignation bubbling in your chest.
“I'm not going to send you into the lion's den one more time,” his determined look left you speechless for a few seconds. It seemed you weren't the only one who kept thinking back to that ambush a few weeks ago.
Maybe the fear of being close to Black Lightning once again should be stronger than the desire to defeat her, but knowing the stakes gave you a little more courage to confront her. Still, you had to tense your jaw discreetly to keep Fury from noticing the fear that wanted to creep into your eyes. The very thought sent shivers down your spine, but… if not you, then who? If not now, when?
“In the position we're in, do you think that's what we should be focusing on now?”
The words burned in your throat, but you fought hard to keep your expression composed and furious. The fear in your chest was clashing with the discomfort of your rationality and you felt dizzy.
Fury shook his head once more.
“It's too risky a possibility, what are you supposed to do if she finds you?”
“I'm going to stay away from them. I don't need to hear what they talk about, just watch them together.”
The man wasn't going to budge, you knew that. Maybe, after all, you were just there to follow the regular conduit. So that, afterwards, you wouldn't have anyone wondering why you did it. You gave him the chance to go along with you on this, to be with you, because he had to know that a simple "no" couldn't stop you, and he wouldn't take it.
“There's no way she doesn't realize you're around her.”
“She doesn't carry a thermos sensor on her, Fury. And now we know she knows all our plans in advance because someone tells her, not because she has super mental powers or telekinesis.”
“I can't let you do that, Y/N.”
“And what were you planning to do with this information? If you're not going to send me and no one else on the team knows.”
Fury didn't respond.
There was nothing more you could say to him. If he didn't want to take that chance, then you would. It was a stupid, crazy, risky plan, probably the most dangerous you'd ever come up with, but it was also a great chance to get something when you'd only spent days losing.
You met Natasha when you arrived at the Complex common room. Bucky was there. You hadn't seen him since that last conversation you had in the intelligence room.
“How did it go?”
“Horrible.”
Natasha was the only one who half knew what you were planning, only because you couldn't contain the full truth to yourself without believing you were going to explode. A couple of days ago you had told her that you were going to ask Fury to let you go back to field missions, because it had been over a month. You left out some details, important and unnecessary details, but that was essentially what it was all about.
“Maybe it's for the best,” Natasha commented after pouting her lips. “It's still very fresh.”
“You guys are more traumatized by that incident than I am.”
“You could have died,” Natasha frowned at your words, looking at you as if she couldn't believe you would take so much credit for what happened. It looked like you had committed a crime.
“But I didn't die. And everyone treats me like I did,” you returned the gesture, crossing your arms over your chest.
“Don't blame us for worrying about you,” Natasha tried to move closer, raising her hand to put it on your shoulder, but you pulled away sharply with an annoyed expression. You didn't miss the flash of confusion that passed over her face.
“I've always done these missions, Natasha, what's different now?”
“That she almost killed you and you haven't given yourself time to process that like you should,” Natasha had always cared about your well being and having conversations like this from time to time wasn't that strange to you, but on this occasion it really had been too long and you hated that they think you were incapable of moving on with your life because of something that happened over a month ago that was no different than something that might have happened to you before.
“I risk my life on every mission, just like everyone else.”
“Don't downplay the importance of that. Worry more about your life.”
“Are you pulling a Bucky Barnes on me right now?”
Natasha let out an exasperated sigh. You watched as she run one of her hands through her reddish hair. You sure looked like you were going to explode, you felt your skin boiling.
Maybe you were having an overreaction, but who was determining that limit? There was no one in that Complex who knew you better than yourself. You hated to think that Fury had more reasons for not letting you back into the field, like you weren't as strong as the others with incredible powers and abilities. It was ridiculous.
And Natasha was saying ridiculous things too… but she cared anyway. You couldn't condemn her for that.
The big sigh you let out caught her attention.
“I'm sorry,” you told her, your voice a little more muffled and lower than before.
“I'm sorry too,” Natasha shook her head when she saw you were about to protest and took the floor again, “Sometimes I forget that you're one of the strongest and bravest members on the team. No one goes through everything you went through and still lives with strength like that.”
Did she just read your mind?
“Keep trying,” Natasha patted your arm. “With Fury, I mean. Maybe tomorrow you'll have better luck.”
You couldn't wait for tomorrow. He'd refuse again, that was for sure.
Natasha gave you a tight-lipped smile and you could barely return the gesture. You wanted to drag her back to your side to tell her what you really wanted to do, but you couldn't, nothing assured you that she would react differently to Fury, or worse, try to join you. Natasha was someone who would give her life to protect the team, but you were no slouch.
Besides, this was your kind of mission. Fury gave it to you because he knew you were the only one who would know how to handle it, even if he didn't want to accept it or want to let you execute it. Maybe only one person could come, but… No. You didn't have time to think about that.
You had to do it. And it had to be that night. You couldn't stand one more meeting with the team with no new news, having to endure their thinly disguised looks of disappointment. That was it, it was disappointing to not be able to get breakthroughs and keep losing at every attempt. Here was the opportunity and it could go very well or very badly. There was only one way to find out.
-
You had already learned the path by heart. It was the tenth day since you all had gone into crisis so you had time to draw lines on your mental map. Natasha, Sam and Tony had left the Complex and the rest of the remaining team were probably asleep or something. The point was that the coast was clear.
The person you were to follow would be leaving in fifteen minutes and that was your time to get ahead of them. You took one of the motorcycles from the parking lot and started your way to where the meeting point would be. You would leave the motorcycle at a great distance and walk the rest of the way in silence.
You were sure it was a good plan.
It had to be.
Several minutes passed when, in that building in front of the abandoned chapel, you saw the man with the glasses enter after looking both sides of the street. You were thankful that the shadows and darkness played in your favor that time. You tiptoed up to the chapel door after a few seconds. It was made of very old wood, old enough that the cracks inside it were large enough to get a good view of the inside of the building.
There, in the middle of the night and the shadows, you saw her. Once again you were close to her. And in front of her was that mysterious man who seemed to be the infiltrator in the team. You felt sorry for that poor devil.
That is until you felt movements around you and, just when it seemed that Black Lightning's head was turning in your direction, a pair of arms wrapped around you and pulled you away at incredible speed from the wooden door.
It had all happened so fast that you didn't even react until that person pulled you both into the building next to the chapel. There, hidden, it didn't even occur to you to raise your voice. You could see out of the corner of your eye through the window on your left side that Black Lightning came out of the chapel roughly, her head moving in every possible direction, surely looking for the source of the sense of surveillance she must have had.
You watched her until the person behind you gave you a tug in the opposite direction and you could do nothing but frown at him.
It was amazing how you could recognize him even without hearing or seeing him. It was as if your unconscious knew Bucky Barnes in essence.
Neither of you moved until you stopped hearing the voices a short distance away and until Black Lightning's distinctive whirring sound echoed as she flew off.
Your chest rose in sync with your accelerated breathing, increasing as the seconds passed in silence.
You had an internal dilemma thinking that night could have possibly ended very badly.
“You know what, I know how you get away with those crazy plans you always have,” you heard his voice low against your ear, his breath moving the unbound strands of your hair and sending electric currents throughout your body. “You've got all the fucking luck in the world on your side.”
His arms finally pulled away from your body. The hand covering your mouth left a cold trace on its path away from you. Everything seemed to move a little slower.
“Are you okay?”
Bucky grabbed your shoulders to turn you around. His chest was the first thing you saw, your head tilted slightly to the ground in a kind of shock. It was the adrenaline of the moment clearly, the possibility that she had found you and you hadn't returned that night to the Complex, the endless situations of suffering you could have gone through far away, no one knowing where you were or how to find you, all falling at once on top of your head.
You had been so close to death before on several occasions, but the feeling never became less tolerable. Sometimes it was easier to process it, with too much outside stimuli allowing you to escape the density of the situation. But at that moment, as at some others, the feeling of fear was overwhelming. Maybe you could walk over it, as you planned to do, but it would be whispering behind your ear at every turn, furrowing through your nerves and your bones as if it was born for that sole purpose.
Bucky moved you at some point, as you kept thinking about how you should process that not-so-close-to-death experience. Fury was quite right not to have allowed you to do this in the first place and you hated to think that maybe you should have listened to him. But you really hadn't counted on seeing her again to paralyze you so much. The idea hadn't scared you as much as it did at that moment.
Suddenly you were in a car that was parked in front of the Complex and it made you wonder how the hell Bucky had gotten to that place that no one knew about, when you had never told anyone where you were going.
You had probably fallen asleep because the next thing you knew you were in your room in complete silence with Bucky sitting on the edge of your bed. You barely looked at him not knowing what to say. How had you moved so fast? Did you really get so deep in your thoughts?
Well, enough was enough. Nothing had happened. You were fine. Just your luck. You didn't have to face Black Lightning again with the lowest chance of winning. Bucky had gotten you out of there. You were fine.
“How did you know where I was?”
“You took my bike,” Bucky shook his shoulders slightly, his serious face scanning yours for some kind of clue. “I got an alarm on my cell phone and when I saw that it had been you... I don't know, something told me you were going to do something stupid.”
Bucky rested his hands on the mattress and your eyes followed the movement as if it was the only thing you could see, the only thing you could focus on. Maybe you did, you didn't want to see him. Besides the fact that you felt ashamed because you really had been reckless, you still didn't want to be that close to him after what had happened.
But that wasn't the time to think about that. You had found the insider. You were right. Now, how were you going to tell Fury without him freaking out? He'd probably take away your license and ban you from the Complex.
“I got some great information thanks to that stupid plan,” you tried to lash out in a more cheerful tone, but it felt bittersweet between your lips. If Bucky felt it false, he didn't comment on it.
“What were you were doing anyway?”
“Fury had a suspicion that there was an infiltrator on the team. He asked me to trace calls, but… that wasn't getting me anywhere. I had been following one particular person who I noticed was always going out and coming back at the same time by watching the security cameras…”
When you ventured to raise your head, Bucky had a raised eyebrow.
“Sometimes I got bored of being there all day and checked the cameras, it's not a crime.”
“I didn't say it was.”
“You're judging me with that look.”
Bucky smiled, a short laugh flooding in.
“So you saw that person and decided they were the insider.”
“They had to be. I had to check it out.”
“And Fury wouldn't let you so you stole my bike and went to find out on your own in one of the worst ideas you've ever had.”
You twisted your lips. “Yeah, basically.”
“At least you're not contradicting me that it was a terrible plan.”
“No, I knew it was a horrible plan, but what else could I do? I was tired of not being able to get anything out of the reports and I had a great chance in the palm of my hand. Tell me if you wouldn't have done it.”
Bucky pursed his lips, but didn't deny your words. And that's because yes, it would have been even more stupid of you to listen to Fury and ignore everything after he had denied you a clearance.
Now you had a big advantage over Black Lightning. You had to tell Fury.
“You could have told me,” Bucky suddenly commented, his gaze wandering along the wall to the side of the bed.
You arched an eyebrow at him, even though he wasn't looking at you and snorted in disbelief.
“And for what, so you could charge me with Fury?”
“Ouch,” the man in front of you pretended his chest hurt and his right hand went to hover over his heart. “I would've gone along with you, of course.”
“Are you kidding me?” you let out a laugh.
“Of course I'm not. You're right about one thing and that's that it's a big advantage, but yes I would've preferred it if you hadn't gone alone. What would have happened if it hadn't been my bike you took? I don't even want to…”
A dense silence followed Bucky's words. That had been a possibility you had considered indirectly, in the back of your head, where reason didn't enter. It followed you like a blur, something you didn't know exactly what it was, but it made your hair stand on end to remember it was there.
And you had thought about telling him, you almost succumbed to the idea, but you were afraid it would go badly for both of you. For him.
“Very convenient, but thank you for following me.”
Bucky shrugged.
“We were right to follow our instinct.”
-
Things with Fury had become tense and you hadn't come out of one punishment and into another. Still, the information you provided was just what the team needed to get back three steps ahead of Black Lightning. She was a powerful woman, yes, but they could prepare much better.
The team was busy for days, almost weeks. You had too much time for yourself and office work, so much so that you already knew that by the time you could get back to field missions, nothing would get you out of there.
You would run into some of the team members from time to time and chat about anything. Sometimes you could almost say you missed the company of some of them. Even Bucky, at times, made himself missed.
Everything returned to a bit more of a normal rhythm when Black Lightning was defeated and locked. That day the team had a huge dinner. You spent almost the entire night with Natasha and Clint; Steve showed up from time to time and Tony moved from table to table. It was a very peaceful evening with nothing new to interrupt it. The next day you would return to the ordinary trot, but that night you all enjoyed it quite a bit.
You'd like to say you'd talked to Bucky, but…
You went several weeks without seeing him, as the team struggled to stop Black Lightning, and just as you continued with your office work and no longer had as much pressure on your shoulders having ripped that woman's Achilles heel, you used a lot of that time to do a lot of self-reflection. Weeks went by, so you had plenty of time. Also with some advice from Natasha, of course.
It had been so long since you'd last seen him that meeting him in the hallway of the rooms felt strange.
“Hello,” he was the first to speak, as you held tightly the container with the coffee you had half-drunk that morning.
It was barely dawn. You had gone to the kitchen to make your morning coffee and were on your way back to your room when you found him coming out of his. There was no way you could run away, he was literally right in front of you. But you weren't sure that was what you wanted to do, you were just too nervous. You had thought about a lot of things during all that time without seeing him, but not what to say to him when you saw him again.
“Hi,” you replied almost in a whisper, and you wanted to slap yourself at how embarrassed you sounded. You felt your face heat up.
“How are you doing?”
“Fine. All good,” you pursed your lips, swaying on your feet. You felt like you were on unfamiliar ground. “What about you?”
“Same, all good,” Bucky shook his head in assent, mimicking your gesture. He still had his white pajamas on and his right hand on the doorknob.
“I'm glad,” you tore the words from your throat, wanting to fill the silence that wanted to envelop you tightly.
Bucky continued to shake his head in slight movements, as he averted his gaze to the hallway. You had no idea what to do now, you never thought seeing him again would be so awkward.
“This is… weird,” Bucky spoke again after a few seconds, looking unsure and confused.
“Yeah, too much.”
“Sorry.”
“No,” you shook your head quickly and moved closer unconsciously. “It's not your fault. It's nothing. We must have become unaccustomed to each other's presence.”
You saw him tilt his head.
“It's just that it's been too long,” with his comment he agreed with you, suddenly looking a little less uncomfortable. “Speaking of which, how did it go? Because of what happened with Black Lightning, I mean.”
“Oh,” you took the container with your coffee in your hands, lowering your gaze. “I've been fine. It was a rough few days after that, but I'm better now. I'm not sure why that happened.”
“Really? I'd be stranger if it hadn't happened,” Bucky admitted, and at your frown, he elaborated, “She had kidnapped you a month before, we had no idea where you were. Even if it had been a short time, you must have felt desperate. She out-powered you.”
“But I've had near-death experiences before,” you shook your head. You'd had that debate in your head several times before, and it seemed Bucky had come to the same conclusion you had.
“When you've dealt with that kind of situation, it's been very easy for you to get through it because you were in control. Chance was up to you. But not that time, you were at the mercy of someone else, their power or their pity. There was nothing you could do.”
His eyes sparkled in the sunlight filtering through the window and you realized that you had missed his sympathetic, condescending gaze from time to time. You hadn't seen him many times before, especially not before that talk you'd had a couple of months ago that changed everything.
One such day, in the rain and thunder, you thought that a lot of what Bucky had to offer scared you. Maybe you hated him because imagining wanting him was so much harder when that decision was up to him and not you. Hate could be controlled unilaterally, love could not.
In conclusion, you were a very controlling person.
“You are very wise,” you smiled through your reply.
Bucky smiled too, a small gesture that triggered something in your chest, in your heart or to the side. You weren't sure where it was.
“I hope this time has served you well in many ways,” he commented as he stepped fully out of his darkened room and closed the door. “I'm going to the kitchen,” he gave a glance at your container, “I guess I'll see you later.”
You nodded absently. “Yeah, see you later.”
Bucky gave you a tight-lipped smile before he started walking back the way you had come. Watching him walk away left you with a sense of anticipation, because there was still so much you wanted to tell him but had no idea how to go about it. You still struggled a bit with the words, but you were already sure of what you wanted. And one of those things was for him to know as soon as possible.
You also struggled with the possible outcomes. There weren't many, but you didn't like one of them and you thought it might make you sad. You were trying to make peace with not controlling others and stop being a lone wolf about it, but it was still a little difficult.
You didn't see Bucky until a couple of days later.
It was Steve's birthday and Tony of course threw an amazing party as a celebration. The whole team was there and many other people close to them. You all had become a bit secretive since the issue with the insider, especially Tony with how he handled meetings and in this case, reunions. So it was crowded, but not overly so as it used to be.
You had had a good time, you chatted with everyone and drank what you wanted. You spent time sitting, on the dance floor and near the games. You enjoyed everything until finally your legs gave out. It was past midnight when you stepped out onto the balcony to finally get some air. The drink made you somewhat cheerful and social, but you continued to keep your sanity and reason. Enough so that seeing Bucky Barnes in a suit leaning against the railing caused a twist in your heart and an emptiness in the pit of your stomach.
“Did you come for air too?”
You didn't know if it was his super-soldier serum or something similar to yours, but it always amazed you that he knew when you were around. It also made your nerves calm a bit as you approached the railing.
“Yeah, they had me without a break today.”
Bucky let out a laugh, openly, and amidst your glassy-eyed stare from drinking, you couldn't take your eyes off him. You couldn't when he was regaling you with such an exquisite sight and such a harmonious sound. You didn't know how you had been able to spend so much time hating him. Or pretending you did. Hate is such a strong word, it shouldn't be used so casually.
“I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, really. You look more radiant,” he kept his gaze on yours, not wiping the smile from his face.
“How long have you been here?”
“I was just about to leave. I guess I was lucky I decided to stay a little longer.”
You arched an eyebrow at him with a half smile, which was answered with one of his own.
“I couldn't blame you,” you commented, averting your gaze to take in the incredible panoramic view you had of much of the city from where you stood. You had both worlds, the vast wilderness and the concrete jungle, “It's a beautiful view.”
“Indeed,” you heard him so close you didn't have to move much to know he was still looking at you.
With a hot face, you shook your head.
“You're very flirtatious, Barnes, I don't think I would've guessed.”
“You have no idea what I'm like, doll, you've got a long way to go,” his voice sounded a little deeper than usual and you blamed the cold for the shiver that ran through your body.
“Are you assuming I want to walk it?” you turned to see him with a falsely confused, playful look.
“I'll take my chances,” he gave you a beautiful cocked smile without taking his light eyes away from yours.
“Careful with that. You could end up walking alone,” you looked back out over the city, being all too aware of his gaze roaming the silhouette of your face.
“I have a good feeling. The wind is on my side.”
You let out a laugh inevitably, it was probably because of nerves or because he was building something around both of you that you couldn't control. And maybe that didn't bother you too much. It would be nice to let someone else carry the rope once in a while… wouldn't it?
“Are you implying something?”
You heard him sigh before taking the same position you had, facing the city.
“I guess I can't hide my curiosity,” he took a moment before speaking again. “You know we have a pending conversation.”
“Mhm,” you hummed, feeling the thrill of anticipation course through your body from head to toe. It seemed you weren't the only one who had waited too long for that.
“Do you have something to tell me?”
You turned your head, meeting his profile. The way the city shone in his eyes was magical and you didn't want to focus on anything else but that. Or on the way his eyebrows moved almost imperceptibly under your watchful gaze. Or the relief of his red lips that were almost…
“I think we should start slow.”
Liar.
Bucky turned his head, taking you almost by surprise. His blue eyes looked amused.
“So you agree that we should start?”
“Yes,” you shook your head in sync, his gaze causing you to be as unsettled as possible. “But we'll have to start from scratch.”
“I don't think I can control myself for that long,” Bucky almost whispered, his voice as low as you'd ever heard it before. He wasn't going to let you have it any easier.
“You'll have to learn to do it.”
But you wouldn't give up your arm so easily either. He could continue to provoke you all he wanted, but you'd take things at your own pace.
“You can bet on it,” his face was closer than before, you could almost touch his nose if you moved a little, “but I don't think it would be that easy for you.”
“Do you think I have no self-control? Me?” you frowned at him, but kept your expression warm. The man in front of you only laughed, creating distance between the two of you. A cold air swept over you from where he had been.
“I guess time will tell who will give up first.”
“And it won't be me.”
“Mmm,” Bucky hummed in reproach, shaking his head. “You're very stubborn.”
“There's still a lot you have to learn from me, darling.”
The nickname left your lips unconsciously, but that only made the corners of his lips lift even more. His face looked brighter than before if that was possible. You wanted to take it back, but you'd better think twice. A different, more pleasant and comfortable feeling settled in your chest and your heart seemed to beat to a different rhythm.
“Well, now that we've finally come to an agreement…”
“Halfway,” you interrupted him, rolling your eyes.
“We can start now.”
His eyes on yours felt too meticulous at that moment.
“Now?”
“Yes,” Bucky shrugged. “I can take you dancing right now, shouldn't I take the opportunity?”
You almost choked on your own words. You wanted to deny yourself for a moment, maybe it wasn't true that you were ready and able to safely embrace these new feelings he was generating in you. Maybe you really didn't feel as safe as you thought you did…
But when Bucky extended his hand towards you, with that lopsided smile and sparkling eyes, any negative thoughts disappeared from your head in the blink of an eye. You were afraid of what you two might turn out to be, yes, it was true, but you couldn't spend the rest of your life living like this. Not when already, without even having started, you knew that there would be no other place in the world you wanted to be, nor where you felt as safe as that moment.
When you took his hand securely, you never wanted to let go again, much less if you could continue to see that expression of happiness on Bucky's face. You moved beside him as if you had done it all your life before that moment, and in the life before that.
His fingers intertwined with yours and you felt like you closed a promise in that moment.
“You know, I'm not much of a dancer,” you commented to him as you approached the stairs.
“Don't worry. We have plenty of time for you to learn,” Bucky gave you a reassuring squeeze to accompany his words. “We're just getting started.”
You hoped to enjoy that night as much as you hoped to enjoy all the time you had with him, whatever it was. Despite the fear, you would take him with open arms. It was better that than nothing at all.
Anyway, you were already realizing that that wasn't something you were going to think about very often. Bucky said it himself, you were just getting started.
-
Taglist: @rabbitrabbit12321 @funkybarnes @pono-pura-vida @unaxv @buckybarnessimpp @madi-is-kinda-lame @saint-marvel @trixiekaulitz @ziawbarnes @immortalfangirl @dnovastark
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky fanfic#bucky barnes angst#bucky barnes#bucky fic#bucky x you#bucky fluff#james bucky barnes#bucky x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction#james bucky buchanan barnes#winter soldier#the winter soldier#james buchanan barnes#stxrvel talks
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gym time
summary: you didn't expect to meet someone like Bucky Barnes when you decided to enter the gym, especially since his looks and words were anything but friendly.
pairing: au!bucky barnes x f!reader
words: +1k
warning: uhm, descriptions of bucky working out? some bad words. also i suck at summaries but what i was trying to say is that bucky is very suggestive here, and there will be suggestive conversations iykwim. this chapter doesn't contain too much of that but still minors do not interact!!!!
note: hi guys! um, i dont know what to say. being honest idk why i wrote this when i dont know if i'll ever be able to continue it, i think it was for the joy or fun in it and maybe trying to test new things? i kind of wrote the draft for a second part but i dont think i want this one to be a series, i wanted to see it like a drabble but i got carried away and now there are too many words. but what i do know now is that i will be pleased to write drabbles in a scenario like this, like in this universe or au. if you guys liked this (which i hope so) would you mind sending me what would you like to see next? only time will tell how good i'm doing but i hope i can at least entertain you a little. anyway, looking forward to your opinions and i really hope you like this one! since it's my first time writing in this kind of genre :'(
You were at the gym. It had been barely a week since you had started with the goal of creating a routine in your life, because work was consuming you from the inside out. Coming home no longer felt like it used to, when you still had the fever of being independent and being able to get yourself everything you wanted. Adult life really was a mud puddle compared to what we always thought as kids.
So… yeah, you decided to join the gym closest to your apartment to try to change your bad procrastination habits a bit. Maybe now that you were paying for it with your own money you'd feel more like going, just for the sake of not making the money go to waste. But, hey, it was something.
During that week everything had been relatively fine. You hadn't had any problems with anyone, no awkward comments and you had gotten some workout partners to take turns lifting weights or running on the treadmills with at the same time.
It was honestly becoming your favorite place to be after work.
And, well, of course, there was him.
The man you shared end-to-end glances with at the gym. He never came close, always kept his space, unless he had to use some machine near where you were.
He looked like a decent man… and definitely sexy. But you didn't dare get close even though it seemed to be the only thing the two of you wanted to do. The furtive glances weren't even accidental anymore, you both sought each other out through the masses of air as if it was second nature to you. And that upset you too much because it hadn't been too many days, how could you feel so passionate and heated just sharing glances with a stranger? Within what you didn't know there might be something you didn't like, even.
Anyway, you had to avert your gaze each time before it became too much, but it always seemed like it wasn't enough for the people around you not to notice.
“Why don't you just go talk to him?” Veronica spoke in front of you, waiting for Erika to leave the press to start her series.
You were on the treadmill finishing your routine that day and that man was on the other side of the gym, lifting weights like they were nothing. You had watched him for so long without embarrassment that you had almost memorized every line of his massive arms. And your partners that day had definitely noticed.
“I don't think it's appropriate,” was all you could think of.
Erika snorted, lowering her legs as she put down the weights. “She's afraid the sexual tension surrounding them will suffocate her.”
“Erika!” you scowled at her. “Stop talking nonsense.”
“I'm of the same opinion as Veronica, you should just go talk to him. If it turns out his personality isn't as sexy as his body, you're not going to lose anything and you're going to gain a lot.”
Veronica, who had already settled into the press after Erika cleaned the chair, nodded animatedly at her partner's words.
You turned your head to look at him again, just as his strong hands released the weight that bounced to the floor. You saw him shake his arms slightly and move his shoulders in circles, releasing the tension a little at a time. Even in the distance you could make out as if he were right beside you the line of his veins running around his arms and the-
“Look at her, she's drooling already.”
You clicked your tongue and Erika only shared a chuckle with Veronica. You decided to focus solely on getting the treadmill over with quickly so you could get through that day.
-
You came out of the shower with an incredible freshness dancing in your body. In the bathrooms the atmosphere was always a little cooler than in the center of the gym, so the time after the bath was one of your favorites. Veronica and Erika had already left, they had said goodbye before you entered the shower. They always left at seven o'clock at night, but you preferred to stay a little longer and enjoy the showers you paid for because you didn't have much to do at home when you got there.
With the towel over your right shoulder you walked towards the lockers to get your training bag and other belongings. You thought for a moment about leaving a few things from your bag since there would be a zumba class early tomorrow morning and maybe you were getting a little interested in going, when you heard some footsteps close to where you were.
There shouldn't have been too many people left in the gym at that time because closing time was at 8:00 p.m., so someone else must have gotten out of the shower to get their belongings just like you.
You decided to leave a few things in the locker for the next day's class, encouraging you a little more to leave the house a little earlier. Anyway, you knew Veronica would be there so you wouldn't be alone.
You pulled out the bag with the things you were going to take with you and closed the locker. You turned around to leave, when you finally realized who else had come in after you.
It was him. It was that man.
You had never met him in the evenings. He always left before seven o'clock so you never had the chance to meet him alone until that moment, when you stopped dead in front of him, your sneakers grinding against the floor as if you had braked violently at fifty kilometers per hour.
Your locker was all the way in the left corner of that room and it looked like his was a few spaces away from yours in the same direction, closer to the door.
His gaze lifted in your direction at the sound of your shoes and you had to squeeze your bag strap tightly over your shoulder, eating your embarrassment fiercely.
“Hey,” he spoke first and his voice was nothing like you had imagined.
It was incredibly better. His baritone tone, somewhat raspy and light, sounded like he didn't have a care in the world. The way he slightly curved his lips sent an electric sensation throughout your body. He had given you that smile before, but at that proximity it was a whole new experience. It seemed like your body began to vibrate on another frequency.
“How did you like the gym?”
“Uh?”
The man turned back to you, closing his locker almost at the same time and leaning his shoulder against it in the most smooth way you'd ever seen, handling his body with a confidence that almost made you feel intimidated.
“You're new here, aren't you?”
“Ah, yes,” you nodded slightly, again feeling that embarrassment make its way from your throat. “I've really liked the gym, I've felt very comfortable thankfully. And the monthly plans are very good, affordable.”
The man nodded attentively at your words, as you tried to keep your composure under his sharp gaze.
“I'm Bucky,” he suddenly introduced himself, stepping a little closer to where you stood.
“I'm Y/N,” you kept your voice steady as you raised your hand to meet his that had just extended in front of you at a safe distance. “A pleasure.”
“The pleasure's all mine,” Bucky gave your hand a good shake, causing things in your body that you were too embarrassed to admit. You didn't know if your cheeks could get flushed, but at that moment you felt like they looked cartoonish, vibrant red and hot. “And I'm glad to hear you're comfortable. I do my best to make my clients happy.”
“Oh…?”
Even though you felt spellbound under the piercing fierceness of those blue eyes, your ears were still working enough to allow your head to process what you'd heard.
“You're the owner?”
Bucky nodded and you wanted to hide your head in a hole for a moment.
So you'd been eye-fucking the owner of the gym? Hell, now that you thought about it more clearly, it could even be that this man was older than you, much older.
Oh no, the things you had to go through for not being a little more prudent. Good thing that embarrassing moment would only be in your head.
“And now that you know, you can drop any complaints or recommendations directly to me, if you want.”
You let out a short laugh, trying to cut through the awkwardness you felt inside as you realized the situation you were in.
“Sure, yeah, anything I need to tell you I'll do it personally.”
“Also if you want me to change something… give you something or do something, you can tell me.”
“Sure,” you nodded quickly, starting to move around him to get closer to the exit. Bucky wouldn't take his eyes off you. “Now I know I'm counting on you for anything…. From the gym, that is.”
Your awkward laugh died under his intense but amused gaze. Was he enjoying it?
“And you can talk to me, if you want too,” Bucky continued speaking as you completely surrounded him and now found yourself in the position he had been before, “not just watching me from afar.”
You were sure the blood had left your face by this time. Your level of embarrassment had gone over the edge and in that instant you didn't know how to do anything but look at him as if he had caught you in the middle of a crime. You tightened the strap of your bag while holding your breath as you noticed him moving a little closer towards you.
“It's not that it bothers me, don't go thinking that. It's just that… I'd like to get to know you a little more if that's possible.”
“Uhm…” you mumbled with a dry mouth, the reflection of the light in his blue eyes much clearer against the short distance between the two of you. You passed saliva with difficulty, shaking your head to answer him, “Yeah, sure. I'd like to know you too.”
You watched out of the corner of your eye as he nodded at your words, not making a move to get any closer. If that five-foot distance alone already felt like you were suffocating, you didn't want to imagine what it would be like to have him standing to the side or behind you explaining how to do some exercise even though you already knew how to do them all…
Shit.
“See you then, doll.”
He walked around you, walking away from that conversation and that tension like it was nothing, like a bomb hadn't just exploded in front of you. You couldn't even say anything goodbye to him, you didn't know in that instant how to move your mouth.
For a moment you felt so foolish for allowing yourself to show yourself in such a vulnerable way in front of a man… but, at the same time, so much had happened since the last time you had actively flirted with one of them (even though what you had done at that moment had been spitting words). You'd barely had a taste to remember what the adrenaline, excitement and anticipation of having a truly fun night was like… that you didn't plan on letting go.
Bucky had thrown you that rope and you were sure you were going to take it.
-
a/n: thank you for reading!! <3
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky fanfic#bucky barnes#bucky fic#bucky x you#stxrvel talks#bucky fluff#james bucky barnes#bucky x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky x y/n#james buchanan barnes#the winter soldier#winter soldier#bucky barnes x you
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something #1
guys, i know ive disappeared and im so sorry:(. ive been having trouble getting inspiration to write, bc there are a lot of things going on in my life right now that really demotivate me, butt today i was able to write this out of the blue and wanted to share it with you guys! so i hope you like this, whatever this is going to be a part of, and hope to see u soon! <3
warnings: an unfriendly and unlikeable reader thats most likely to anger you, bad words and lots of hate, friends to enemies to ?????? 1k words
“Are you supposed to be here at this hour?”
Y/N moved away from the locker where she had stowed her things that morning, blowing the strands of hair that had been left out of her hasty ponytail.
“Are you supposed to be my mom?”
James Barnes, from across the room, scowled at her. Y/N returned the gesture, watching him out of the corner of her eye move to the other end of her position to do God knows what.
It had been at least noon since they had returned from the mission and Y/N hadn't dared cross the shower area near the Complex hangar just to avoid that interaction with Barnes. The weights in the gym, the treadmill and all the objects she could hit were more appealing to her than having an ordinary conversation with another human being.
That's why she had waited hours to go back for her things, some clothes and items she usually left in that area to use after missions, but just that day they weren't needed because the frustration was bigger and the anger was eating her alive.
Especially the anger she felt against Barnes in those moments.
“And can you stop taking over the gym? There are recruits who have to train, but you scare them away with that dead face,” Barnes spoke again with his back to her, and Y/N had to resist the physical urge to throw the thermos in her hands at him.
“It's not my fault you train wimps.”
“They're not wimps,” Barnes turned away, sincerely offended. “You actively yell at them to go away.”
“They're my training hours, what do you want me to do? Be kind and let them pass?”
Barnes averted his gaze, slamming his locker with his black backpack over his shoulder, shaking his head as if he couldn't believe he was having this discussion with her.
“Is it even healthy for you to train so many hours in a row?”
Y/N pushed the small locker door as well, the sound of the impact silencing any thoughts of the two of them in the room. “Why the fuck do you care?”
“God,” Barnes raised his head, his face regretful that he'd prompted the conversation in the first place when he could have let it die. “You're impossible to talk to.”
“Then don't fucking do it.”
Their gazes met, each at either end of the room, Y/N closer to steaming out the door.
“You should've stayed with your fucking recruits instead of coming to shit all over my mission,” she couldn't help but spit out what had been rattling around in her head for hours, completely ignoring the grimace beginning to form on Barnes' face and grabbing the doorknob to get out of that cramped space as quickly as possible.
The led lights in the hallway blinded her for a moment, walking in a straight line down the path she already knew by heart to the rooms. Not all Avengers lived in the Complex, but Y/N preferred that to having to constantly run into Barnes in the Tower.
“Hey!” she heard the voice of the aforementioned, but only quickened her pace noticing the hurried pace his own were taking. “Is this all about the mission?”
Y/N stopped her steps in the middle of the hallway, near the stairs, where some agents were walking with dozens of papers in their hands and watching them out of the corner of their eyes. They already knew the routine. They all knew it.
“What, you think that's not enough?”
She turned, with that impossible-to-read expression they'd all grown accustomed to by now. She knew Barnes wanted to believe he could still read through her mask, but he could try to convince himself with fake words all he wanted, because that would never be the case again.
“It was mission impossible, Y/N. Steve agreed,” Barnes paused in front of her, barely casting a vague glance at the people passing them by. His right hand held the strap of the black suitcase so tightly that his veins bulged. Y/N barely snorted at his words.
“Just because you beat me by a majority doesn't mean you're right.”
“So the right thing to do was to go into the lion's den?”
“The right thing was to finish what we went to do, Barnes.”
“The right thing was to get out alive,” he determined, raising his voice. Y/N noticed his eyes red from the closeness they had adopted in the face of the heated discussion, and the faint thought crossed her mind that Barnes wasn't really doing anything productive to have run into her at that precise moment in the gym. She almost broke her expression to slap him.
“If you had followed my plan to the letter, we would've gotten that thing and gotten out alive. Do you really have a hard time accepting that my plan was a good one?”
“I have a hard time believing we would have made it out alive. There were too many of them. You saw them!”
“You know what? It makes sense that you have a bunch of stupid recruits. Like father, like son,” Y/N knew she was touching on a sore point, because one thing Barnes prided himself most on was having his own team look up to him as a role model after all he'd been through, but she'd stopped caring about such things quite some time ago.
“Y/N…” Barnes lowered his voice, taking a deep breath and looking at her through his eyelashes.
“If you show them your way, they're not going to survive a day in the field.”
“That's what you think.”
“That's what I know, because this job is who I am. Stop living like you're made of glass,” she looked him up and down one last time, his face contracting in an emotion she wouldn't allow herself to feel anymore. The memories that surfaced that melancholy face almost made her vomit in the middle of the hallway.
Maybe there was a time when Y/N thought she could have a good friendship with him; a time when he would've thought she could become a good friend. But none of those moments lasted long, rushing away like a shooting star, disappearing into space like smoke.
“We made the right decision,” Barnes wasn't going to budge and he was going to have the last word and she knew it because she just knew him so well. She almost laughed in his face at how predictable he had become. Emotions really did make people weak, and in this job that was a very big danger.
“Keep convincing yourself of that and you're going to end up dead.”
Y/N paced before Barnes could answer her, a bitter feeling settling in the pit of her stomach. She knew he would follow her with his eyes so she tried to pick up her pace without looking too much like she was trying to flee from his sight. It was torture to be around him after all.
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky fanfic#bucky barnes angst#bucky barnes#bucky fic#bucky x you#bucky fluff#james bucky barnes#bucky x reader#stxrvel talks#winter soldier#james bucky buchanan barnes#james buchanan barnes#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes fanfiction
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birthday love present
pairing: steve rogers x f!reader
words: +4k
warnings: some bad words, age gap (steve's his canon age), reader has a lip piercing.
note: hi guys! this is my first time writing on the steve side. ive been trying to write this one for a long time and the inspiration finally came in today and i think im proud of this one so i hope you guys like it too! this oneshot is from a request i had some time ago that said:
Imagine being Tony Starks daughter and having a massive 21st birthday party at the tower. Despite her younger age either bucky or Steve is in love with her and they end up kissing at the party. Tony sees this and absolutely FREAKS!! Calling Steve/bucky (...) some shit cause he’s technically like 100 and it’s her 21st birthday. Mama pepper wouldn’t be super upset and calms him down and it ends in fluff of course lol
you can read some other works at my masterlist! also, if anyone has a request feel free to send it to me as a message or an ask!
The Tower had been filled with color that night. The pastel pink reigned in the decoration that your parents had put together and you couldn't have been more delighted, it was everything you had dreamed of. The music was perfect, you sang and moved to the rhythm of your favorite songs; all the people around you enjoyed as much as you did that huge birthday party. The food was sensational, there was a whole table full of all your favorite dishes that seemed endless.
Of course the best of all was the bar. Natasha tended it with finesse and mischief, she was the best of the bunch making cocktails. And she only winked at you every time you came back to the bar for another shot as if you hadn't just walked by two minutes earlier.
You had lost sight of your parents a while ago, but you were having an amazing time with your friends singing at the top of your lungs and dancing until your heels burned. You didn't want to take any breaks, you wanted to enjoy every moment of that party to the limit.
Every once in a while you would run into some of your father's friends and say hello. The whole Avengers group had attended that party, although you had asked your mother not to invite them because it would be weird, even though you saw them as a family. She obviously didn't care and so at that moment you were stuck in a bay surrounded by testosterone, with a Norse god telling a weird story to the whole assembled group. There was a pile of bottles and cans on the floor that you couldn't help but grimace at.
“Everything okay?” You heard next to you.
Steve Rogers was to your left, leaning a little closer to you so you could hear him over the loud music. His short blond hair was messy enough that you could tell he was having a good time too, and his light eyes were exalted, as if he had just come running up to where you were. But you didn't know if you could answer him with him so close.
Your history with Steve was… kind of complicated.
Tony Stark was your father, so consequently you used to spend quite a bit of time at the Tower and you knew all the team members as if they were your own family, even though you'd only met them a little over a year ago.
Steve was captivating from the first moment. Maybe it was that lopsided smile that took over his face every time you greeted him or said goodbye, or the way he would throw his head back when he laughed at something you said, even if you didn't think you were very funny, or the way he was always so considerate and cautious when he addressed you.
You didn't know exactly how it happened, or maybe you did, but there came a time when you simply wanted to go to the Tower just to see him. Tony would gladly take you along, completely unaware of your reasons, hoping to spend quality time with you and show you the latest inventions he had designed. But you were always waiting for the moment when he would show up.
And that was perhaps a serious problem. Because he was your father's best friend, or something like that, or because he was exaggeratedly older than you even though he spent 80% of his life inside that plane on the ice and basically time stood still for him. But for whatever the reason, you never told anyone, not any of your friends or your mother who was your confidant, there was even a time when you fought those feelings because you knew no one around you would understand, not even your parents. And you didn't think you could bear their disappointed looks.
Carrying that secret inside your chest used to not be difficult, you considered that you were very good at hiding those feelings and those longing looks. However, you had never put that statement to the test while drunk.
“I'm fine,” you slurred the words and frowned at how terrible that had sounded. You cleared your throat to speak again, but Steve was quicker.
“It seemed to me like you weren't enjoying Thor's amazing stories.”
“Ah,” you laughed slyly, moving your hair off your shoulders and turned to look again at the group of people gathered at the front listening to the other blond's words. “No, it's very entertaining. Not at all like the stories he has told before.”
Steve sketched a smile and through all the noise you could barely hear his laughter. It was only at that moment that it bothered you terribly that the music was so loud.
But his blue eyes rested on yours again and the words and thoughts evaporated in your head. A rational thought ran through your head telling you that maybe you couldn't disguise the lamb's eyes much with alcohol in your veins, but you very responsibly decided not to pay attention.
“You look good,” the blond shook his head looking at you down to your toes and you felt your ears heat up. “Finally 21.”
You didn't lose sight of the way Steve's eyes moved to read the band across your body, the one that Pepper, your mother, had put on you before you arrived at the huge party on this floor of the Tower. You felt a shiver run down your back and you straightened up unconsciously.
“My mother gave it to me,” you commented, trying to shake off the tension you felt in your shoulders from the intense look he was giving you. Or maybe you were just feeling it like that.
“I figured as much. Tony just took care of the money then.”
“Actually,” you moved a little closer to Steve to talk about the music, as he leaned next to you too and you felt shivers run through your body, “my mother told me he chose the color of the decor and the food.”
Too close to be true, you saw him nod at your words and his hair almost brush your cheek as he pulled away so he could see you. You felt your stomach do a flip and for a moment you thought you were going to throw up. Anxious, you fiddled with the piercing you had in your lower lip.
“Do you want to go somewhere else?”
You shook your head embarrassingly fast in a nod.
Steve moved to walk towards one of the two exits the bay had, which led directly to the bar Natasha was still tending. You followed closely behind him, with a bubbling feeling in the pit of your stomach.
He had dressed in a basic white shirt and a royal blue jacket that brought out his eyes beautifully. You remembered well that you had once told him that that blue looked great on him, and that in general dark colors really brought out his eyes. You didn't want to think that's why he had chosen that jacket, but…
Steve leaned over the bar where Natasha had already approached to greet you two and smiled before speaking.
“A shot of strong coffee for the lady here,” the man gestured to you.
You stood there for a few seconds staring at his perfect smile before realizing what he had said. Natasha barely nodded before heading over to the coffee machine Tony had set up in the corner of the bar.
You frowned at Steve, your hand moving to bump against his arm in a playful action.
“I'm not drunk!”
“You're very red,” he replied, after letting out a laugh that you could hear more clearly as you were further away from the speakers. His head moved to where Natasha was standing and you took a moment to see his arm resting on the bar, where the sleeve of the jacket was tucked up and clinging like a second skin. “I don't think it's a good idea for you to arrive dizzy like this for the pie game.”
“I'm just fine, Steve,” you slurred the words again and mentally cursed your lousy alcohol tolerance. You hadn't even had that much to drink, the party had only started about two hours ago. What did he want? For you to sit around drinking orange juice until you split the cake? No, how boring. “I'm lucid enough to break pieces of cake for everyone at this party.”
Natasha arrived with a ceramic mug and set it down in front of you on the bar. You would have preferred to leave it there, but maybe it wouldn't do you too much harm to take it?
“It's better not to take any chances anyway,” the redhead leaned her arms on the bar and gave you a smile.
“Argh,” you frowned at both of them and grabbed the mug to take a long sip. “Neither of you trust me.”
“Well, I can only say that one of us would blindly trust you with our lives, and I already have a person for that,” Natasha commented very nonchalantly as you continued sipping your coffee, and you barely noticed the look she shared with Steve before she walked off to the other end of the bar.
“What was she talking about?” you asked Steve once you let go of the cup.
The blond shrugged in man. “She sometimes just says cryptic things and goes off like that. I'm used to it.”
You nodded agreeing with his words. You were already feeling the effect of the coffee and were starting to see a little clearer. Well, maybe you were a little drunk. And maybe you needed a little more coffee.
-
Steve very kindly made you another coffee and you sat down right in front of him to watch the whole process as if you had never seen anyone make coffee in your life.
When you finished it, you let out a sound of approval drawing a smile from him.
“This was much better than Natasha's.”
“No one makes coffee better than she does.”
“You do! You should make coffee more often. In fact, you could start a coffee shop.”
Steve smiled broadly and you rejoiced at the butterflies in your stomach.
“I think I'm going to stick to being an Avenger for now. But maybe I can make you coffee every time you come over.”
Your eyes sparkled at the prospect. “I'd come by every day, Steve.”
“I'm counting on that.”
“Maybe you'd get tired of seeing me so often,” you twisted your lips into an expression of mock regret, lowering your gaze and wiggling your index finger over the rim of the empty cup. The black remains of the coffee made an odd figure that painted the white ceramic background.
“I don't think that's possible,” Steve muttered, and if it hadn't been for him coming over the bar and the music not being so loud you wouldn't have heard him. “I like having you around.”
“Really?” you raised your head, your facade fading.
“Sure. You're like the life of the party. Everything's better when you're around.”
Hearts flew around you as you saw the smile he was giving you. Just for you. You felt like fireworks were about to explode all around you and the anticipation of having him closer gnawed at your insides. Your fingers tingled and your heart was pounding.
You just had to get a little closer and…
“… and where's the birthday girl?”
You broke off suddenly.
Now you felt like your heart would pound out of your chest, but from fear.
You turned around as Steve rounded the bar to leave, and found your father walking toward you with his arms outstretched. Beside him, your mother was smiling tenderly at you.
“Come, honey, it's time to sing happy birthday.”
You stood in front of the cake, a bunch of smiling faces in front of you. The lights began to change color and dimmed. The atmosphere was a little more closed in, but it was perfect. You watched as the people in front of you sang happily, celebrating another year of your life, a whole year of experiences and changes that you had accepted with patience and love. There was nothing more at that moment that you could ask for to make it perfect. You had all the people you loved around you and delicious food, what more did you need?
The song ended and you blew out the candles. Your wish was a secret even to you.
The cake was passed around and you even had repeat servings. It was delicious.
But the party didn't stop there. After the cake the music continued and the drinks kept coming. You decided not to drink any more for the moment, at least while the food went down a bit because you had also stolen a few bites from the table full of your favorite dishes when you thought everyone was distracted.
Your parents hugged you at least five times since then and had reminded you how proud they were of you, all you had accomplished and the woman you had become. You couldn't have been happier.
Sometime during the night you slipped off to the bathroom. You arranged your hair that was quite messy from all the dancing before you left.
At the end of the hallway, reaching the stairs to go down to the party, you found Steve and Clint watching from above. They both greeted you as soon as you arrived. You noticed how, poorly disguised, Clint pushed Steve closer to you.
The blond cleared his throat as he walked over to where you were.
“How've you been doing so far?”
“It's been amazing! It's the best birthday party I've ever had,” you commented to him with a huge smile.
You heard Clint cackle sonorously and Steve in front of you rolled his eyes. But he smiled at you when their eyes met.
“Can I talk to you for a moment?”
You stood static for a moment, before replying, “Yeah, sure.”
Steve calmly led you back down the hallway you had traveled from the bathroom and they stopped at a safe distance.
You stood there for a few seconds, in somewhat awkward silence. Steve seemed to be thinking deeply about whatever it was he wanted to tell you, and his hesitation did nothing to help calm the anxiety that was beginning to course through you from the tips of your hands to the way your stomach sank.
Already your palms had begun to sweat when Steve finally spoke.
“I wanted to talk to you about something that… I don't know how you're going to take.”
You passed saliva despite the lump you felt in your throat. you didn't know what to expect from his attitude, because he looked too nervous and almost worried, you could say scared. you didn't want to expect the worst, so you waited for him to continue.
“What happens is that I… I wanted to tell you that… I don't expect you to take it the wrong way or reciprocate, I mean, you can say no…”
Steve was silent once again, avoiding your gaze. Your head was racing a mile a minute and it filled you with nerves to think that maybe he was going to say what you wanted him to say, what you wanted to hear and what you wanted to tell him too. But how… perfect would that be? You had imagined it so many times, but what was the likelihood that it would actually happen?
“I love it when you laugh,” Steve spoke, pulling you out of your head. His determined eyes looked anywhere. You felt a warmth blossom in your chest and you were sure your eyes must have looked like two crystal balls because of how bright they must have been. “And when you have that giant smile on your face that could light up an entire city. And I love when you tell me what you do in the day so animatedly that you don't even realize you're moving your hands too much. I also love when you dance like you're the only person on the dance floor because you sparkle. And I love how your eyes look in sunlight or moonlight, how they shine so bright I feel like I could orbit around them…. I just- I…”
“I like you too, Steve,” you interrupted him, noticing his frown.
His head moved quickly to stop looking anywhere but at you, and you could finally meet his beautiful blue eyes. His chest was heaving, almost as much as yours as you realized what had just happened. For a moment you thought that, if that was all you could do, just look at each other, you might stay right where you were for a long time. His warm, welcoming eyes roamed over your face and more than nerves and anxiety you felt very excited, so much so that you could run through a field of flowers. A smile was making its way on your face and he promptly followed you.
When it seemed that his nervousness had left him, you felt his hand brush yours. You took it without a second's hesitation.
“You do?” he asked, his voice cautious but full of excitement.
“Yes!” you replied, your smile widening. You squeezed his hand and pulled it closer to your body.
Before you gave him time to process what was happening, you crashed your lips against his.
The fireworks exploded.
You felt him tense as you rested your hands on his shoulders, but it was a matter of seconds before he let go.
His lips assaulted your mouth, delicate but passionate. It was everything you wanted and so much more. A love so fierce it could sweep away everything in its path. Your lips welcomed his, hoping this would not be the last time, and his hands clung to your hips with a promise to never let go. It was soft, desperate, tender, wild, all at the same time. Steve seemed to want to take his time savoring that moment, but at the same time he wanted to take it all at once and leave you breathless.
His body moved until you bumped against the wall and his hands squeezed your skin. The sensation was new, welcome and maddening. Now that you had tasted him you didn't think you could ever stop. His sweet scent flooded all over you with your hands tangled in the strands of his hair. His hand on the back of your neck pressed you against his lips and you felt infinitely close, but you still wanted more.
You felt like you were going to explode into a thousand pieces when you…
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING?”
Steve turned away from you before Tony finished speaking.
You turned to see your parents in the hallway and Clint off to the side of them, an apologetic grimace on his face.
“Dad-”
“Get away from her. NOW.”
“Tony,” your mother put her hand on Tony's shoulder, who was looking at Steve as if he wanted to fly him out of the Tower.
Your heart was pounding wildly, a sour feeling making its way into your chest.
“I'm sorry, Steve. I turned the volume down and got distracted for a moment and they just appeared out of nowhere,” Clint tried to approach, but Tony's deadly stare drew him back a few steps.
“DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS? AND YOU LET THEM?”
In the midst of all that flurry, you turned to look at Steve. His face was nothing compared to the happiness he had radiated a few minutes ago and it contracted your heart. You moved closer to him, alerting him a little as he continued to watch Tony's argument with Clint and Pepper trying to calm them both down.
You took his hand without taking your gaze from his and when he turned to look at you you didn't like the fear you saw in his eyes.
“LET HER GO!”
“Tony, that's enough,” Pepper grabbed his arm preventing him from getting too close to the two of you.
“Are you out of your mind? You're like a hundred years older than her!”
“Dad, stop, you don't know-”
“She's my daughter, Steve!”
“I know, Tony, and I'm sorry, but-” he paused, his hand squeezing yours in support. “I can't apologize for that. I love her. I swear there's nothing stronger than that, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her either. I know it's hard for you, but I've been holding this in for so long and it's because of you, because I knew you'd react like this and I can't go on like this.”
Your father held his gaze on Steve, his eyes a blaze of burning anger and for a moment you feared he wouldn't relent. But Tony moved letting out a snort and walked over to where Pepper stood. She put her arms around him and murmured some things to him that you couldn't hear.
You turned to see Steve, who already had his gaze on yours. It was electrifying. You didn't think that he would ever really look at you in that loving and caring way as he was doing at that moment. You felt at peace for the first time, without having to pretend around him or around anyone else. You could finally show all that you had inside instead of holding it in.
He gave you a small smile, but enough to give you the strength to argue with your father if necessary.
Tony sighed audibly and you both turned to look at him. Your father passed his gaze over both of you, as if hoping to find some response. You squeezed Steve's hand in preparation for anything.
“Just…” Tony clicked his tongue. “Do you think you'll be okay with him?”
The question surprised you, and even more so his warm look, but you nodded quickly.
“Yes.”
Your father shook his head, thinking to himself, before looking back at Steve.
“This… is going to take a good while, Rogers,” he pointed at him with his index finger, accusingly. “You better not screw this up.”
Your mother smiled at you, still wrapping her arms around Tony, her fingers massaging his tense muscles. You heard Steve's positive response and your father looked at you again.
“Fine,” he nodded. “Fine, whatever. Don't ever do that around me again,” he dismissed them by waving his hand and started to walk away down the hallway. “I can't believe it, Pepper, since when?”
“Actually, love, I'm surprised you barely noticed.”
“What do you mean?”
Steve walked over to Clint and put an arm around his shoulders. The latter grimaced shaking his head.
“That's the last time I'm counting on you, Barton,” Steve patted his shoulder amicably before walking away again.
His gaze met yours and he extended his hand toward you.
“I already apologized, Rogers, what else do you want?”
You took Steve's hand and pulled him in the direction of the stairs with a huge smile, not waiting for him to respond to Clint, and squeezed his hand when you could see the party still going on downstairs.
“So we're really doing this,” you heard him murmur, and you turned to give him a resounding kiss on the cheek. His lips curved.
“We're really doing this.”
You didn't know what the future held, but you were more than willing to face it head on. You walked down the stairs moving your clasped hands back and forth, feeling the happiest you could have been in a long time, more complete and loved than ever, and you knew the smile on Steve's face said the same as yours.
You hoped that wasn't the last time you would hold his hand that tight.
#steve rogers x reader#steve rogers#captain america#steve rogers x you#steve rogers fanfiction#steve rogers imagine#steve rogers x y/n#stxrvel talks#steve rogers fics#chris evans characters#steve rogers fluff#steve rogers angst#steve x reader
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the voices in my head (7)
series summary: you woke up from a long coma with no memory of a part of your life only to be told by your teammates that you're married to the man you hated seven years ago. even though that seemed to be the only problem, as time goes on you're realizing there's a lot more history and mystery behind the accident that left you in medical care for months. blackouts, more memory loss, mistrust and a strange man who seems to be connected to everything. every day it gets harder to trust anyone around you, but you won't stop until you can finally uncover the truth behind the accident.
chapter summary: you try to get answers, but not everything is as it seems. you may actually be living a lie.
pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader
words: +5k
warnings: bad words and descriptions of blood. a lot of confusing answers too.
note: ok guys. heres the next part in this series and i dont even know what happened. im kind of a let it happen writer, so i just started writing this chapter with what i had in my drafts, and the suddenly everyting came to life and started to write itself. like i dont know whats happening anymore, 80% of this wasnt planned. BUT i dont dislike the way this one turned out. im actually happy because it filled a gap in the plot that i'd had for some time and didn't know how to handle. as you may have seen in my reblogs, i dont tend to plan things out, i just start writing and the characters will tell me their stories. so, i just hope you guys love and ejoy this chapter!! know feedback is alwas appreciated! and i hope you end up as confused as i am. love you all!
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Bucky was in a haze. His fingers were trembling and he felt his heart racing to get out of his chest. He didn't know what he was doing, but he let his body guide him because there had to be a reason for all that, for all that fuss, for all that suffering. His feet hurt, he didn't even know how long he had been running for, but not even the rest of the team following behind him had made him stop until now. (Maybe they didn't want to stop him either.)
Maybe he was already in the middle of that city. There were too many buildings, sounds of car horns, the hurried footsteps of people walking past him, tapping his shoulder, not even looking at him as if he didn't even deserve to be recognized by a stranger before staggering his whole world.
Bucky wasn't sure he deserved many things anymore. He used to think it was all a gift, he used to think that after so much pain he was finally collecting happiness and peace of mind. He thought he really deserved it. But maybe he didn't. If all that had happened behind his back, if he had allowed it, if he hadn't even suspected it? Did he even deserve a look?
No, maybe he deserved those rubs, the footsteps on his boots, the coffee on his jacket. Maybe he deserved to feel that pain, that burning. Maybe it was the least he could do, it was the only thing he could give back, because in his foggy mind he couldn't think of what else he could do. He deserved that pain and more because it surely didn't even compare to yours, nor did it come close on the heels of everything you had to do.
There was a moment when he thought that had he had the chance to handle that damned time gem hanging around Strange's neck he would have done it without hesitation, not for a single second, not like that damned Stephen had hesitated and in vain. Maybe things would have been different, maybe everyone would be different now? Maybe you would hate him now. Maybe now the pain would be bearable. Maybe he wouldn't walk the streets of that city that had taken everything from him thinking the world had just fallen on his shoulders.
“Bucky, you're not going to find him,” he heard Carol speak to his left side, but his mind erased the memory.
He was alone walking through the city. He couldn't even remember why his white shirt felt sticky against his skin.
Whatever had happened that morning seemed to have been momentarily erased.
Bucky stopped.
What was he doing there?
The sound of morning stress suddenly stunned him. He shifted on his feet to look around, to see how everyone was still moving, how the sun was still shining and the clouds were racing across the sky, seeing how everything was still the same while for him everything had stopped.
“Where is she?” Bucky thought he was asking a voice in his head, a figment of his imagination, but the hand on his shoulder had to be real. It felt real.
-
Bucky didn't say much for much of the morning. You watched him, stoic and lost in thought from time to time, barely shaking his head in acknowledgement when you told him something. He had given no answer to your questions and as much as you wanted to keep asking, as much as you wanted to insist, something in his eyes prevented you from doing so.
So you spent a good part of the day like that, with Bucky at your side, reluctant to let go of your arm, not encouraging you to do anything else. Everything that had happened that day, all your crazy conjectures and theories slowly faded from your head as you relaxed by his side, letting go of the accumulated tiredness you'd felt since the day everything started to change.
And you had several strange dreams, surrounded by destruction, blows that felt strangely real, full of tears and full of suffering.
But one of them stood out from the others.
You were somewhat confused to see Bucky that morning. His mission was supposed to take at least a few more days and you had already made up your mind that you wouldn't see him for a while. Getting used to it was easy though, but you preferred to ignore that reality.
He passed right in front of you, walking as if it was nothing, ignoring your presence completely. Not that you were expecting anything different either. No, of course you weren't. After the way things left off when he left, you didn't expect him to forgive you so soon.
You could barely let out the air you were holding when he disappeared down the hall.
“What's wrong?” you heard Natasha's voice.
You turned around startled. She had planted herself next to you, her uniform dirty and heavily bloodstained.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, it's not mine.” Natasha waved her hand in a nonchalant gesture.
“Why did you guys come back so soon?”
“The track was a dead end. There was nothing there.”
“It was a trap.”
“Yeah,” Natasha sighed, turning her head to see Steve getting off the Quinjet. “She knew we were going. She couldn't wait to see our stupid faces.”
You clicked your tongue. “How come she's always three steps ahead of us?”
“We've been wondering the same thing.”
Natasha had started walking toward the end of the hallway and you were about to follow her until you ran into a familiar face on one side of Steve.
“What's he doing here?”
Natasha didn't answer you, and when you turned to see her she had a tired expression on her face.
“Well since we've been going on so many missions without a good result, the UN panel that controls us is going to start limiting our outings.”
“What? But she's completely unpredictable!”
“I know, believe me we tried to talk to him. They contacted us since we were coming back. They're very adamant, and it's not like we can do much about it.”
Natasha giving up just like that didn't give you much hope. You watched Steve listen to Secretary Ross with his hands on his hips and a droopy expression. He didn't seem to agree much, but he couldn't say no either. Surely more than anyone else he was the one who was having the hardest time with the whole Accords thing.
You wanted to think for a moment that that was the real reason Bucky had ignored you when he arrived and not because of the discussion you two had that was overheard by half the building about three days before. The subject of the Accords was also a hard subject for him, but more than anything else because of the bombing, because of everything that had happened after that. The fight he blamed himself for every chance he got and the concede. They had been able to go far but not far enough. You knew Bucky spent many days thinking about all that.
But hey, besides that news he must still be pretty mad at you. At least that was something you could fix.
“So we're back to waiting,” you finally spoke up turning to look at Natasha. The woman barely twisted her lips in response.
“If they don't think this is a global threat, I don't know what one thing has to happen for them to let us do our job right,” Natasha walked down the hall with you trailing at her heels, a grimace on her face and a frown on her face. “Will it have to cost someone's life for them to notice?”
“Nat,” you furrowed your brow at her words. “We should think this is enough. Something worse could have happened. If Steve hadn't given up after the fight at the airport, where do you think they'd be now? And you? The group would have disbanded. We could have been pushed even harder, but the government and the countries were more condescending.”
“I wish it was enough for me. Thinking like that must bring you peace.”
You ran your tongue in front of your teeth with a disguised grimace. Natasha didn't notice as you watched her red hair and black suit as yoou approached the main hall of the Complex.
“I'm just thinking this way to ease the violent thoughts of you all. You know I didn't want to sign either.”
“But you did,” Natasha paused at the foot of the stairs. You could tell from there that Bucky was talking to Sam and Tony was meeting with Clint.
“It was all going to end very badly if I didn't. You know what they think of me. If I had gone with you and Steve they would have not only wanted to contain me but neutralize me. And you know they would've done it any way they could.”
Natasha's eyes flashed in recognition. You knew what was going through her head because you had been through it once before and it had been a horrible experience that had been burned into the minds of every one of your teammates. Especially Bucky's and yours.
“I wouldn't have let them near you,” she spoke, her voice soft and full of feeling.
“And I wouldn't have let you carry that for me.”
Natasha sketched a half-smile, shaking her head.
“I guess we'd both die trying to keep the other from dying.”
The conversation ended there and soon you were both in the living room near Clint and Tony. You watched them chat about the mission. You noticed the somber expression on Stark's face when Natasha told him that Secretary Ross was talking to Steve. You caught the moment when Clint sighed heavily and moved his hand to turn down the volume on the device in his ear, he did that every time someone mentioned something about the Accords or the Secretary. Sometimes even when someone talked about Germany. Clint was the most evasive of all on that subject.
Sam and Bucky were too far away for you to tell if they were listening the conversation, although considering that the latter had a super serum running through his veins, he probably had super hearing that allowed him to, even if it was against his will.
But despite the distance you could tell that his eyes were on yours. He was resting his elbows on his knees, leaning forward. His expression matched Tony's and you wondered how much it would cost you to get the two of them to sit down and talk about the things that had happened. Within that civil war, they were probably the ones who had had it the worst. But that was almost impossible, they both hated each other almost to death.
You were attracted by his gaze and started walking before you knew it. Sam stood up and gave you a nod of greeting as he passed you. Surely they had already spoken.
Bucky didn't stop looking at you until you took the spot where his friend had been.
“Are you okay?” you asked him, bringing your hand up to his right shoulder. He was too tense.
“Ross doesn't understand anything,” was what he replied, his voice laced with a hateful venom that sent a shiver down your spine.
“I know.”
“He's gonna get us killed. Him and that damn panel.”
“Bucky-”
“Nothing's going to make them understand until a massacre happens and that blood is on their hands.”
“Honey,” you stepped closer to your boyfriend, his body tensing even more, but moving closer to yours as if it were his nature. He straightened up and allowed you to fully embrace his right arm. “I think you can rest easy because you're doing your job and you're doing it well. I know you feel the helplessness, we all go through that. And I would love to tell you that we can change it and do something about it, but I can't. I can only remind you that you've been doing it right and you've been doing everything in your power to make it so. Ross and the panel are going to come to their senses at some point. They're going to understand what we're doing at some point and then we won't have to fight anymore.”
“I think you're the only one on the team who believes that,” Bucky tried to sketch a smile turning his face to look at you.
“Someone has to do it or you're always going to be like cats and dogs.”
“Yeah, you're the one who brings balance to this place,” his beady eyes didn't leave yours. “To me, too.”
You felt a sting behind your eyes and your chest compressed.
“Bucky, I'm sorry-”
“No, leave it.”
“No! It was my fault and I spoke to you too ugly-”
“I already forgave you, Y/N. Don't keep talking.”
“Don't do that. Let me tell you-”
Bucky reached up to plant a kiss on your lips. You reached up to move back a little, but his hand went around your waist and he pulled you tighter against him. He moved his lips over yours as if it had been months since the last time he did it, gentle, taking his time, savoring every second he could. Your hands cradled the sides of his face, kissing him back with the same intensity he gave you.
When he pulled away, you were breathing heavily.
“I said leave it.”
“You're mean.”
He moved closer and gave you another quick peck before settling back in. His eyes didn't leave yours even though your body was beginning to lose the warmth he'd given you. At that moment you thought you could spend your whole life like this and you would be entirely happy.
Apparently Bucky thought the same thing.
“Marry me.”
“What?” you exclaimed, an expression of surprise making its way across your features.
Bucky smiled at your half-open mouth.
“Marry me, Y/N.”
“Bucky…”
“I never wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone as much as I do with you. I can't even remember what it was like to live before you anymore. So, yeah, that's it, marry me.”
It had been at least about two hours and you couldn't stop thinking about it. It felt too real to have been just a dream.
You had woken up in a room all alone. There wasn't a single trace that Bucky had been there with you at any time. For a moment you thought maybe you'd dreamed all that day, but you could still feel the strength of Bucky's arms around your figure. You could still feel his breath in your ear every time he mumbled an apology from the bottom of his heart, not really knowing what he was apologizing to you for.
You felt it as real as that kiss. Like that emotion when in your dream he proposed to you. Maybe it wasn't a dream, you'd been married after all. But how could you remember that now? What had changed?
And that conversation with Natasha…
You heard the bedroom door open and a few seconds later Bucky appeared in front of you. You felt your stomach churn.
“You're awake,” he commented as he approached the bed. He set down a mug of hot liquid on the nightstand before sitting down across from you, and you stood a little while longer watching the smoke billow out. “You must have a lot of questions.”
You turned to look at him. He looked better than the last time you had seen him. Calmer and more serene.
“Go ahead. Ask.”
Even though yes, you did indeed have too many questions, at that moment you went blank. You felt like your heart was going to pound out of your chest with how fast it was beating, so hard it was thundering against your bones. With sweaty hands you tried to arrange your hair in a carefree gesture, but you were sure you had a desperate grimace on your face.
So much had happened in the last few days, and there was even something you still hadn't told Bucky…
Sighing, you decided to let out the first thing that came to mind.
“What are the Accords?”
You noticed Bucky's face process your question, his face contorting in confusion. “The Accords?”
For a moment you thought it wasn't true, and you were giving yourself the nod thinking you'd just had a meaningless dream, until Bucky spoke again.
“Where did you hear about that?”
You frowned. “Is it real?”
“Yes,” Bucky nodded quickly. “The Sokovia Accords. It's a document signed by a large number of countries that allows a United Nations panel to monitor the activities of the Avengers.”
That made sense according to what you remembered from that dream. So it could be true…
“How did you propose to me?”
Bucky frowned even more than the previous time, and you knew that maybe those weren't the questions he was expecting, but you needed to know.
“Uhm,” Bucky took a moment before answering. “I had just returned from a mission where we were ambushed. I was nearly killed. Maybe I had a moment of lucidity, I don't know, all I knew was that I'd never felt so scared about not being able to be with you. So I came in, we talked and I just did it.”
“Did anything happen while you were coming in from the mission, before you made the proposal?”
“Mmm, yeah, something did happen,” Bucky looked more than confused somewhat suspicious. “The Secretary of State is like the spokesman for the panel I mentioned to you. That day coming back from the mission he contacted us to tell us that we would have to start getting out less and plan better plans, long story short. I was very angry. Too angry. And you and I… Well, we had argued before I left so we didn't talk as soon as I got there. But yeah, that happened.”
So it was a memory.
“Y/N? Why are you asking me these things?”
“You told me to ask.”
“Yeah, well,” Bucky pursed his lips. “I didn't expect you to ask me those questions.”
“Why is there a dome around the Complex?”
“Well,” Bucky cleared his throat. “Generally speaking, in the beginning it was to keep the military from intervening in the Complex because… let's just say we did something against the rules of the Accords for a while. Then we decided to keep the dome to prevent him from finding us.”
“Him? Who is he?”
“They call him The…”
For a moment you stopped hearing Bucky, though you could see his mouth was still moving. A high-pitched whistling filled your hearing. It was loud and painful. You moved your hands to the sides of your head to try to isolate yourself from the sound, but you felt it coming from inside you.
“… are you okay? Y/N?”
You could hear him again. That was weird.
“What happened?”
“I don't know,” you moved your jaw to uncover your ears, but in a second it seemed like nothing had happened. “I felt a ringing in my ears, but too loud.”
Bucky arched an eyebrow, scanning your face. You could tell the concern on his face and it compressed your chest.
“I'm fine, what were you saying?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, go on.”
Bucky hesitated for a few seconds, his eyes still detailing your features as a precaution. Finally he sighed and shook his head in assent.
“Well, the man you most likely saw on television was…”
You lost your hearing again and a second after you saw Bucky's mouth move without a sound, the high-pitched beeping returned. That time it was so loud that you couldn't help but scream even though you couldn't hear anything. You felt Bucky's hands on your forearms as you covered your ears again, but it seemed to increase the beeping and along with it your vision tried to go white. You thought you saw a hand outstretched in front of you.
You were about to lose your mind until you finally found silence again.
You had leaned forward and Bucky had leaned over you.
“Bucky?”
“Y/N? Are you okay?”
You straightened up and he quickly did the same. His eyes desperately searched your face and body for something.
You felt dizzy all of a sudden, and when you reached up to massage your temples that's when you saw the blood.
So did Bucky.
You brought your hands to the sides of your face and it felt wet. For a moment you felt like you were going to throw up.
Bucky took your face in his hands and turned it sideways, looking at the blood that seemed to have come out of your ears. You couldn't look away from your blood-stained hands. For some reason, you felt a strange familiarity in your chest.
“Bucky…” you mumbled without looking up. “What happened? The day of the accident, what the fuck happened?”
“Y/N, are you-”
“Say it,” you raised your head. His frown made you uncomfortable.
“I don't think-”
“Tell me, Bucky.”
It looked like Bucky thought he knew what was going on and didn't want to subject you to it, but you'd seen something and you felt that's where the answer was.
“Say it and don't stop talking.”
Your features were hard, you didn't give a single space for doubt. And Bucky sighed when he realized he couldn't convince you.
“The accident was because of…”
There it was again. Louder and angrier than the previous two times. It seemed to want to berate you for some reason. So much anger was overwhelming. The sound was deafening. The pain was uncontainable. You couldn't help but shout as you felt like you were being ripped in two.
And then, you saw it. A hand stretched out in front of you.
Writhing in pain, you gripped it tightly.
And you opened your mouth to take a big breath of air.
Everything was white around you. To your left, right, above and below. There wasn't a single shadow or a sign that so much brightness was coming from somewhere. The white seemed to stretch on forever when you started walking, because there was no sign of even corners or stairs. It was a simple white plane.
You walked as if that was the solution. As if at some point you were going to come across something that would give you the answer, but there was simply nothing.
And when you finally stopped, you heard it. You recognized it instantly.
What are you doing?
You moved sideways, looking for the source of that voice, but there was no one even miles away. You couldn't see a single speck.
“Who are you?” you exclaimed angrily to no one in particular.
I'd already told you.
“No! Drop the fucking mystery, who the fuck are you?”
Silence followed your question.
“Didn't you want me to trust you? You told me they were the bad guys.”
They are, the voice replied.
“Then prove it. Tell me who you are. Let me trust you.”
There was silence for several seconds, and in between all the emptiness you swore you could go crazy. Fine, and you were already hallucinating things.
But then… footsteps.
You turned suddenly.
There was a man. Very short hair, with a big beard that hid his whole jaw. Dark clothes, a jacket and a baggy jean. He was leaning against something, with his hands inside his jean pockets, even though no matter how hard you looked you never found an object there. He must have been handling what was going on here. His face was barely minimally familiar to you, but not enough to make you suspect him.
“Who are you?”
“You can call me Nathaniel.”
Nathaniel? He didn't sound remotely familiar.
“You were the one who did that thing?”
“What thing, Y/N?”
“The beeping.”
“Ah. I couldn't risk getting your head filled with lies. I told you I'd take care of it.”
“And you had to hurt me in the process?”
“My apologies. It was the only way.”
“Are you seriou? Bringing me here was the only way too?”
You watched the man, Nathaniel, undo his serene expression for the first time to frown at you. He moved to approach you and you couldn't stop your body from shifting away from him.
“Don't you know you're the one doing this? You called me here. This is your invention.”
“What? No. That's impossible. I didn't… I'm not…”
You looked around. It couldn't be you. You didn't even know where you were while Nathaniel could sit comfortably waiting for you. It couldn't be your doing.
“This is your mind, Y/N. Don't you recognize it?”
Miles of emptiness greeted you as you turned to survey the place. That shit was impossible.
“Well, it's missing some memories, sure.”
You frowned and turned to look at him. He seemed to have his hands folded behind his back and he had that calm, almost expressionless face again. He looked like someone who inspired confidence, you didn't doubt that if people looked at him they would surely believe him because that was the aura he had around him. Still… the tightness in your chest wouldn't go away.
“But it's still yours.”
“You can… bring my memories back?” you weren't entirely sure why you asked, it just popped in your head, out of nowhere. It wasn't as crazy as it sounded taking in consideration that he was the beeping in your ears. He definitely could do something. Maybe it was your subconscious.
You noticed when his eyes twinkled as he shook his head. A small smile crept onto his face, as if he'd been waiting for that question.
“Well, I can definitely try.”
You felt a relief sweep through your entire body.
“You're on my side, right?” your cautious side came to the fore.
“Of course, Y/N. I've been trying to help you all this time. It's a little hard, but I've tried.”
“It's hard?”
“Yes, it's just that…” the man, Nathaniel, averted his gaze from yours as if he was thinking about whether or not to continue. When he looked back at you his expression was much softer, more real, “You're too far away. I can't do much like this.”
“And where are you?”
Nathaniel smiled, “Even if I told you, you couldn't look for me. You can't get through the dome.”
You clicked your tongue. You had the chance to finally remember everything in the palm of your hand and you wanted to take it with all your might. Because you had already realized that this man was very powerful and that, in his delusions of helpfulness, he wouldn't let anyone in the group tell you the truth. If he wouldn't even let Bucky do it, he wouldn't let anyone but him do it. And you had a bad feeling, but what else could you do?
“Then you'd have to come to where I am.”
Nathaniel nodded slightly. “Just tell me where you are and I'll come get you.”
“I'm at the Avengers Complex,” you spoke after a sigh. “In Washington.”
The man in front of you sketched a smile, but rather than reassuring you it was more nerve-wracking.
“Ah, you see. I told you you couldn't trust them.”
“What are you talking about?”
Nathaniel resumed walking, his steps getting closer and closer to you.
“You're not at the Complex or anywhere near Washington.”
“What? But…”
“They've got you trapped. They won't let you out. They won't even tell you where you really are.”
You shook your head in denial. What he was saying made no sense. You could literally see the city from the roof of the building. You had even gone out one of those days and toured the city, how was it possible that you weren't in Washington?
Although… You weren't even sure what Washington was really like. You had no memory of that city in your head. You had never seen the city anywhere else. You were just told you were there and assumed that what you saw was that city. But what if it wasn't?
“Find out where you are, Y/N,” Nathaniel spoke again while you were still lost in your head. Almost at the same time, the ground began to shake. “Figure it out and come back and tell me where I can find you and get you out of there.”
The ground shook vehemently, but the man in front of you didn't look as scared as you did. He still had that calm expression, his hands in his pockets and his head cocked to one side. He was looking at you as if he longed for something from you.
You no longer had the slightest idea what was going on.
And then you heard other footsteps approaching fast.
“Y/N!”
You recognized her instantly, but instead of being reassured, you were frightened.
You turned around to find Wanda Maximoff trying to get closer to where you were, running through the white debris falling from somewhere above.
“They're going to try to get you away from me,” Nathaniel spoke, and you moved to look back at him.
“Get away from him!” Wanda exclaimed.
“They don't want you to know the truth. Even if you think they're going to tell you the truth, they're not. It's a lie. It's always been a lie.”
“Y/N!”
“They didn't even tell you where you really are.”
“Shut the fuck up! Y/N, don't listen to him!”
“They've been keeping things from you for a year. They didn't even want to tell you that you have powers.”
“Don't listen to him!”
“If you hadn't brought it up to Bucky Barnes, he never would have told you.”
The way his name came out of his mouth was disgusting. You never wanted him to mention his name ever again.
“Think about that,” Nathaniel finished and watched beside you as the woman kept running trying to dodge the falling debris for some reason; mind you, it wasn't falling where you were, just where she was stepping. “Goodbye, Wanda, see you soon.”
When you turned around, the man was gone, and when you turned around again, Wanda crashed into you with a thud.
You opened your mouth to take a breath of air. You felt your body heavy. The first thing your eyes registered was color. You were no longer on that white plane, in your mind, you were back in the room.
But you were not alone.
Sound came slowly to your hearing, as you could barely differentiate between the faces that peered out to see you. You stopped when you found Wanda's reddish hair right in front of you. The hands at your temples must have been hers. It must have been the same as last time.
You sat up with a jolt and didn't disown, though you felt a whiplash of pain run from your back to your feet. You looked back at the woman who had gotten into your head sitting across from you. Your head had been in her lap. She looked as tired as you.
“Nothing he said is true,” was the first thing Wanda said, holding up her hands as if her sound of peace meant something to you.
“He?” you heard Bucky's voice, and that was the only thing that made you tear your gaze away from Wanda's clear eyes. “Who are you talking about?”
When you found Bucky, you clutched at his hands.
“Y/N,” Wanda spoke again. “What he said isn't true. He's a manipulator. He'll do anything to get you on his side, but you can't believe him.”
“So I'm supposed to believe you guys?” you almost spat the words out, an overwhelming fury roaring deep in your chest. You squeezed Bucky's hands as you turned to look at him. “Bucky, where are we?”
“Y/N, no,” Wanda interfered, but that only unleashed your fury.
“Shut up!” you raised your hand in her direction and the woman moved back a considerable distance on the ground, as if she had been pulled. You looked back at Bucky. “Tell me, where are we?”
Bucky was looking away, most likely to where Wanda was, but you didn't have time for that. You moved your hands to cradle Bucky's face and bring his eyes back to yours. That position brought back the memories of your dream and you felt a sharp pain in your head when that happened.
The moment Bucky turned to look at you, you felt as if a sword had cut you in two. An electrifying light and a bunch of scenarios where you had taken in Bucky's face in the same way.
“Y/N?”
You blinked rapidly, pushing those memories out of your mind. It seemed that every time an image of those appeared in your mind it was accompanied by excruciating pain.
“Answer me, please.”
“We're at the Complex, Y/N. In Washington,” Bucky replied and you felt his words were dirty.
“No,” you frowned and your hands over his face took on strength. “Where are we really?”
“Y/N,” Bucky looked confused, and for a moment you thought he had been lied too, until he moved his eyes to look behind you and without turning you knew who was there.
“Look at me,” you commanded between your teeth and his clear eyes focused solely on yours. “Tell me where we are.”
Bucky began to shake his head and reluctantly closed his eyes tightly. It seemed that simple question caused him physical pain.
“I-I can't. I can't tell you, Y/N.”
“Bucky, stop it. Don't talk.”
The order came from Carol Danvers, and you hated the way the man's face contracted as he heard it. You didn't want him to listen to her.
You wanted to turn to see her, you wanted to tell her that it wasn't her place to order him such things, that she was no one to talk to him like that. But Bucky's hands cupped your face before you could see her in your peripheral vision. His pleading eyes melted your heart and again you felt the pain shatter your head.
A hundred more scenarios where Bucky had looked at you that way.
“Y/N, relax, okay? We're going to talk, but I want you to calm down first, okay?”
You took a deep breath, trying to push through the pain, and nodded in his direction.
“Okay, all right, breathe with me.”
You noticed his chest inflate as he inhaled and mimicked his action. Also when he exhaled. And then again and again and again. Until you felt a little more serene and Bucky's eyes looked warmer.
Maybe it was what had happened with that man in your head, because of the stress you'd felt and the hopelessness when you woke up and felt for a moment that everyone was against you, but suddenly you felt so tired that you just laid your head on Bucky's shoulder and closed your eyes.
--
a/n: thank u so much for reading 💜
Taglist: @cjand10 @yallgotkik @ruffdog921 @coracal @its-just-kayy @pono-pura-vida @vampiresarezombies @kaz11283 @vicmc624 @calwitch
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes angst#bucky fanfic#bucky fic#bucky x you#bucky barnes#bucky fluff#james bucky barnes#avengers#bucky x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky x y/n#winter soldier#james buchanan barnes#bucky barnes x you#stxrvel talks#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky barnes x female reader#bucky barnes x fluff#calmly remember
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what is it with all these secrets? (6)
series summary: you woke up from a long coma with no memory of a part of your life only to be told by your teammates that you're married to the man you hated seven years ago. even though that seemed to be the only problem, as time goes on you're realizing there's a lot more history and mystery behind the accident that left you in medical care for months. blackouts, more memory loss, mistrust and a strange man who seems to be connected to everything. every day it gets harder to trust anyone around you, but you won't stop until you can finally uncover the truth behind the accident.
chapter summary: everything starts being suspicious when everyone in the complex dissappears. but just then, you learned some things that may be or not connected to something from your past.
pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader
words: counting
warnings: just some bad words.
note: hi guys. i can't believe i got this out in one night, but i hope it is as good as i think it is inside my head. im really tired rn because i got sick and my whole body's just exhausted. so here it is for you guys! hope you like it and see you next time 💜
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You hadn't seen Bucky in two days. You had gone through and tossed and turned every room in the Complex, but he seemed to have simply disappeared. He'd been swallowed up out of the ground, as if he'd never been there at all.
And, being honest, at this point in the game you had no idea what to think. There was a jumble of thoughts and emotions inside your chest, all so crazy and frantic that you couldn't quite conjecture. That Bucky really hadn't existed would make as much sense in your head as the reality of that strange voice you'd heard out of nowhere in the middle of astral travel less than five days ago.
What the fuck was going on? Why couldn't you find Bucky? Why'd you had those memories when they weren't even yours? Whose voice was it? Why did it make you so suspicious of the team? Why did it seem like you were agreeing with it…?
Being alone with your thoughts wasn't the smartest choice of all, but Dr. Cho was done with the exams for the day and you had absolutely nothing to do. Probably by that time you had memorized every path, door and room in the Complex and were close to learning the color of every wall on every floor. The boredom was extreme and the ignorance did not make up for it.
Oddly enough, you hadn't met any of the team either.
It just seemed that every person you knew had disappeared from the Complex.
Alone with your luck, you wandered through every corner of the huge building until your head completely consumed you. You had in your mind only the memories of the last two weeks and that anything further back than that had disappeared. And you had tried to force the memories to come out, to give you answers and explanations, because no one around you seemed to have them or didn't want to give them to you. You had meditated, done grounding, watched hypnosis videos on YouTube, but you only got weird dreams in response. You tried everything, but it seemed like you simply hadn't had a life before the last two weeks. Were it not for the fact that it was impossible, you'd even doubt the few memories Bucky and some of the team had shared with you.
Like when one of the afternoons of the first week after several studies when Natasha and Steve came to keep you company and, among some of the things you were able to get out of them, they told you that you had once donated hundreds of dollars anonymously to several animal shelters that were about to close due to lack of funds across the country. Natasha also shared with you that one time when you were out on a girls' night out with the other girls on the team, you got so drunk that you bought five rounds in a row to everyone in the bar. The club gave you a membership after that.
Another day, Clint told you that you had rescued the two dogs that lived with his family in the field and for that alone his children considered you a real hero. He also told you that you had picked out many of the tattoos he had on his arm.
You also got Carol to tell you some things the first and last time you saw her. She told you that you two met in the middle of a fight and that you had beaten her. At that moment you remembered that you had laughed and asked her genuinely surprised how it was possible that someone with your physique and little fighting ability had been able to defeat one of the most powerful avengers, and she had only told you that you had caught her off guard. You didn't know it before, but you should have.
Tony was the one who shared one of the best memories with you. Your wedding day with Bucky. You hadn't even been able to get that information out of your own husband. He told you minute by minute what had happened that day, as if it had been his own. He told you how you had been nervous but confident since the morning, between hair and makeup, accompanied by your bridesmaids and him. He described the moments from the time you finished fixing your dress until you walked down the aisle and when you and Bucky said yes. He laughingly told you that Sam Wilson had gotten drunk on Asgardian liquor and gave the craziest and funniest speech of the night; he assured you that one of those days he would show it to you.
Between those and a handful of other stories, it was the only thing you had that assured you that you'd had a life before. And you were glad to know that you seemed to have lived it to the fullest, but that joy was mixed with a sour uneasiness in your chest that increased within you the desire for everything to go on as it had been before. But life being as unfair as only it could, you could only settle for imagining those memories that at some point you were able to evoke so vividly in your memory.
You also tried to ask questions about the blessed accident, about what had happened that day, but you never got a concrete answer. It seemed that every time you asked about it everything lined up around you so that the people you were with had to leave or simply left on their own with excuses that were too lame.
So, even though it seemed like you had maintained a good relationship with the team members and you had been a part of their lives and they had been a fundamental part of your life, you didn't trust them at the time. None of them. They never gave you any reason to trust, other than to talk about things in the past, and that maybe gave them the benefit of the doubt, but they hadn't done much on your behalf, so you weren't going to do it. You preferred to cling to doubt because it seemed to be the only certain thing among so much darkness.
Bucky seemed to be the only person you could really trust, that's why you had confessed to him what had happened in that hallway. But seeing now how he just disappeared, what were you supposed to think? In a situation like that, being the person you thought you were, you couldn't afford to trust just anyone. Especially when you didn't remember anything about anyone. Maybe you knew them well before, but what about now?
You went back to the control room when your feet started to hurt, the place where you started to spend more time those almost three days, mainly because you had magnificent view of all the cameras in the Complex and because your footprint was still registered with free access to the room, for some reason. It was past noon and you got tired of searching for answers in that meaningless labyrinth.
There was always a TV in the background on mute. You didn't know why. Maybe the person who should have been there instead of you liked to watch the news on mute. That seemed rather strange to you, almost suspicious. That every time you walked into the room there was no one there. You didn't even know if someone came in after you left or before you came in because you never saw anyone near its vicinity. But that didn't hold you back enough not to satisfy your curiosity.
You were watching that little screen when some familiar people started to appear in a corner of the newscast.
It was Steve and Carol.
With a frown you reached for the TV remote, which wasn't too far from the camera panels. You unmuted it and the words began to come fast.
“… the Avengers seemed to be having trouble with it. It's been over a year and it looks like this is a threat we won't be able to get rid of.”
As the presenter finished speaking, videos of the Avengers, many half-recorded with lousy cell phones and others with aerial views, took over the big screen. They seemed to be in different parts of the world, but the panorama was always the same: destruction and total chaos. Another voice began to narrate over the videos.
“October 27, 2022 is the day everyone remembers as judgment day. The sky turned purple and darkness surrounded the planet for seven whole days. Although scientists searched for answers, they did not think to look outside this planet. One man, an extraterrestrial, with immeasurable powers of destruction, has unleashed chaos on the planet ever since. He has not been credited with a name, but people call him-”
The screen went black and all you could see was your own stupefied reflection.
“What are you doing here?”
That voice stunned you.
You'd never heard it before, nor had you ever tried to get close enough to do so. For some reason you always preferred to stay away. And to have her show up now, right at that moment…
Still, even though she was the person you trusted the least on the team, and only because she had turned the TV off on you when you were discovering something that everyone had surely kept hidden from you and that had generated quite a bit of annoyance, you turned around and faced her.
“Who was that man?”
Wanda Maximoff didn't seem surprised by your question and your coarse tone of voice. She had indifferent features on her face, an unflappable seriousness that a person could only maintain after years of disappointments and suffering. At that moment you wondered if it had been the right thing to expel completely from your memory the fact that she had been one of your bridesmaids.
“A very bad man.”
“I'm not a child. Who is he?”
“No one you should care about.”
“Then why the hell did you turn off the TV? And why did you show up just then? Were you spying on me?”
Wanda didn't answer you, only focused on the control of the device she had levitating with one of her hands surrounded by that reddish mist so characteristic of hers. A shiver ran through your body, because you didn't even realize the moment she took it. Her eyes never left yours, and though you tried to keep your composure, she was too intimidating.
“Stop asking so many questions.”
Her open palm closed and with it she shattered the control. Its pieces fell noisily to the floor, interrupting the heavy silence that followed her words. If you had any doubts about taking that as a threat or not, you were left with none when you looked up from the floor, from the shards of the control ruined by her telekinesis, to see her face enserrated with eyes so dark you felt they could devour you.
Wanda wasn't playing around. For some reason she didn't want you to know anything about that man on the news.
Regardless of what she did or said, one thing that was certain was that this man was diabolical. The pictures and videos of the disasters, massacres and general destruction spoke for themselves. And even more so the fact that it seemed that the Avengers, united, had been unable to defeat him. The mere thought of his power, such that an entire group of super people couldn't stop him, made you shudder.
“Who do you think you are to say such things to me?”
Wanda rolled her eyes, and you saw her determined to turn around and head for the exit at once, as if that conversation with you wasn't even worth the effort, so you raised your voice:
“Does he have anything to do with what happened to me?”
You saw her stop on her feet, face inscrutable but her eyes glinted slightly. A small glint of surprise that gave her away. You almost pointed your index finger at her. It disappeared as fast as it could, but it had been there, you were sure. And her defensive stance didn't help her to maintain her nonchalant posture. You had hit the nail on the head. You didn't want to say you were right, but….
“It does have to do,” you mused.
“No,” Wanda spoke up, but too late for her liking. She had already changed and now looked like she wanted to rip her tongue out just because she had set out to answer your questions in the first place.
“Why is he related to me, is he to blame for me not remembering anything?”
“Stop it. That man has nothing to do with it.”
“You are a very bad liar.”
Wanda's eyes suddenly looked surprised, as if your words had been the answer to a problem she'd been searching for a solution to for years. Suddenly she didn't look terrified but… hurt. You couldn't help but compare that expression to the one Bucky wore the few times he had talked to you about things you didn't remember.
But her mask came back quickly and with a scowl she pointed accusingly at you.
“Stop asking questions and shut up.”
That time she left the room without you being able to think of anything to stop her.
-
You didn't know what to do anymore. You had spent hours thinking about what you had discovered and Wanda's expressions, but you couldn't find a connection that was big enough to justify the drama everyone was making about the accident. If she had tried to hide it from you like that it must be related. That, or maybe it was simply someone who had hurt her deeply and she couldn't bear to see him or talk about him.
Mmm…
So, if what had happened to you was because of him, that man personification of chaos, there was only one way to put it together: being an Avenger, you were sent on a mission to fight this great villain, but in the course of the fight you couldn't defeat him and he left you so wounded that you had that memory problem.
That's it. That must have been it, right?
But… it sounded so small compared to the fuss that seemed to surround the accident.
No one ever mentioned it, nor did it ever escape their attention, even if they were distracted. They were trying to avoid the subject at all costs and run out of your reach as fast as they could. That they did those things, that they avoided the subject like the plague, didn't fit so well that in the end that was the simple explanation. It had been a fatal accident in the field, surely it had happened to them before. It was an occupational hazard. So why were they hiding it from you like that?
There must have been something else going on, and you had no way of finding out about it, because you didn't happen to have a cell phone or internet access. You'd never questioned it before because it seemed like the logical thing to do, seeing what you were recovering from and they didn't want you to have information overload, but now it just seemed too suspicious.
With so many things inside your head, you decided to leave the Complex. You had never gone farther than the distance of the parking lot within what you could remember, but you knew that the back was full of trees and surely green trails that your peace of mind would enjoy very much in those moments.
There, as you walked away from the building, your mind went back to Bucky.
He was the person you least wanted to stop trusting, but for him to disappear from your sight after what you said to him was so strange. And that the others weren't present either was also suspicious. Bucky had done nothing but support you during that short time you remembered and all the memories you had of him only focused on his kindness and understanding. There was no way to paint him as the bad guy in the story.
Then, there was the other thing you really didn't want to think about…that voice… what it had said…
Whoop, wait.
What's that?
You stopped in the middle of the trees.
You didn't know how far you'd walked, but it couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes since you left the Complex. You had been so focused on distracting your mind that you narrowly missed the strange thing that seemed to be in front of you.
An iridescent glow appeared a few feet away. It appeared and disappeared. It appeared somewhere else and disappeared. It was like bubbles. Or like the light that caused refraction when the sun rested directly on a clock or a mirror.
They weren't very powerful, you could barely notice the colors. But it did seem to be everywhere at the same time.
As you got closer, you noticed that your vision started to get a little blurry. Even though you touched your eyes, it wouldn't go away.
When you finally got close to it, to that kind of anomaly, you could notice that indeed the colors seemed to be everywhere because of the sunlight filtering through the leaves of the trees.
You also noticed that the blur did not disappear. But with a quick glance back and sideways, you realized that that strip stretched the length of the forest, and seemed to curve a few miles into the background.
What the hell was that? Your head was hammering for an answer, but you really couldn't understand what you were seeing. You could only process surprise and fear.
You raised a hand to reach through the blurry blanket and…
And…
You couldn't.
It was hard.
Too hard.
You moved your hand again, this time with your palm extended forward, and as soon as you made contact you could see ripples move from where your hand was upward.
That was a barrier.
And seeing how it extended sideways and upwards…
It had to be a dome.
But why was there a dome surrounding the Complex?
Your mind had barely begun to ask the important questions when you felt it. Everything happened very slowly.
An electric current passed from the barrier to your fingertips. You saw it coming from above. From your fingers it moved quickly to your arms and suddenly seemed like shock waves. You felt five currents, there gawking and dumbfounded, until the sixth electric current was so strong that it sent you flying a few meters back.
Surprised, you couldn't even react. You felt the emptiness of a fall as your body moved backwards, until you finally hit solid ground making a loud, elongated sound. You had crawled a little on the grass. In pain, you writhed on the ground, letting out slight groans. What was that supposed to be? Why had it thrown you like that? You hadn't even gotten out of a few questions and you were already entering another pile of questions.
When you sat down on the grass expecting to see the dome a few feet away, you were struck dumb when you saw that you were a long way from the trees. And several of them looked like they were cut down, very specifically they looked like they were cut in the direction you were thrown.
Without taking your eyes off that long path you stood up. It seemed to be that the current from the dome had thrown you so hard that you had gone all the way through the trees back to the entrance of the path. Even in the distance you could still glimpse the iridescent glows of the dome.
You were too surprised that you felt pain, but not too much. How could you not be in tremendous pain after crossing through fifty or so trees that fast?
But before you could continue thinking about the unreal situation you were going through, you heard a commotion in the back. In the parking lot. Being that the entrance to the trail was relatively close to the parking lot, you didn't have to walk too far until you began to make out faces.
They were the faces of the Avengers, especially Bucky.
You started walking faster when you spotted him and he wasn't far behind. It looked like he'd seen you sooner because he was already trotting towards where you were.
“Where were you?” you spoke quickly when he reached your side.
He didn't respond, just kept his gaze fixed on you. You barely noticed the dirt smudges on his face, and with a quick inspection he didn't seem to have any serious injuries on his body.
“Bucky?” you spoke again after several seconds with no response.
His body seemed frozen with his longing gaze fixed on your face. You missed his attitude, but at that moment you had important things to ask.
“Bucky, did you know there's a dome over the Complex?”
The aforementioned shook his head slightly. That question seemed to snap him out of his trance.
“And I saw someone on the news today. A man. Very destructive and evil.”
Bucky discomposed his face more and more. Suddenly, it looked like only fear and confusion made his expression. You didn't know if the right thing to do was to press on with asking or wait for him to say something.
The rest of the team, instead of entering the Complex, stood behind Bucky. You barely glanced past everyone because you really didn't want to see them, and you didn't want to have that conversation there either.
“Why don't we go inside?” you asked Bucky with pleading eyes as you grabbed his wrist to make him walk.
“There wasn't anything you could do, was there?” Bucky finally spoke, and you wondered for a moment if he was really talking to you or to what was going around in his head, because from the look on his face you could almost swear he was lost in thought.
His eyes were shining, emotions were passing too quickly across his face to identify them carefully. But one stayed with you: heartbreak. He looked like he had just been told that the love of his life had died. You thought for a moment if that was the expression he'd had when he found out about your accident.
The accident.
“Bucky, we have to-”
He embraced you. Hastily, he took your hand that had gripped his wrist and pulled you until he had you contained in his arms. His grip was so tight you feared he might bury your clothes in your skin. Still, his embrace felt like a welcome. Maybe that's how he would have hugged you if you had awakened from your coma with your memories intact. But you also felt desperation pouring from his pores, with the way he moved his hands over your arms and the way his breathing quickened and wouldn't calm down, even though you were so close. It seemed he feared you would disappear, that you would be gone again, out of his reach.
His thumbs caressed your skin, but it felt rough, hard, desperate. Bucky seemed to want to remedy something with that embrace. Maybe his guilt, maybe your pain. Maybe the time together you had lost. His touch almost surrounded the abuse, but his ragged breathing seemed to make up for it.
You wanted to push him away so you could go inside. You wanted to tell him what you had discovered in such a short time, the things you had surmised, but you couldn't find it within yourself to push him away. Not when it seemed he would faint if a millimeter of his skin didn't touch yours. Not when it seemed that your breathing near his ear was the only thing keeping him sane.
“I'm sorry. I really am,” was all he said, after several seconds.
His grip didn't lessen much over time. Rather, it stopped being a little desperate, but it was still strong. He didn't want to let you go.
And, for a moment, you decided to share his feelings. You hugged him back just as hard and also decided not to let go.
You hoped you were making the right decision.
--
Taglist: @cjand10 @yallgotkik @ruffdog921 @coracal @its-just-kayy @pono-pura-vida @vampiresarezombies @kaz11283 @vicmc624
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky fanfic#bucky barnes angst#bucky fic#bucky x you#bucky barnes#bucky fluff#james bucky barnes#bucky x reader#bucky x y/n#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes x you#stxrvel talks#calmly remember
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OMG OMG AAAAAGGHHHG. PART 2 OF THE CLIFF????!!!!!
i started to work on it today! i hadn't planned to make a second part but your comments encouraged me a lot! thank u for reading and i'm so glad you liked it <3
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ok guys. i think i'm in a peak of inspiration so i want to ask you what you want to read from the stuff i've been writing these days. i have two options for you to decide:
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hi guys! since it's winning the soulmate!au on the poll, i wanted to tell you that i have like a 47% written of the fic. i'm going to take my time, if that's the one that wins, to finish it so i can publish it like a one-shot and not a multi-part. i have material for four chapters but i think it's better if it's just one. so you can have your answers faster! thank you guys for voting and i'll see you this weekend after the winner is revealed!
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today's my birthday and I want to stay in my room the whole day 😭 but my family surely is gonna drag me outside. I hate birthdays sometimes. maybe the food in the night will make up for it, but right now, I wish I could be alone the whole day. anyways, can you guys recommend me some fics? I think I'll read most part of the day, so drop your favorite fic in the comments!! 💜
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i think i just had the worst day in a while. i made a promise to myself not to let my family's disregard for my feelings sink in so deep, but it's so hard to prevent it because sadly a part of me is still waiting for that unconditional support that i never had growing up. i have to learn the hard way that i'm never going to get it. life fucking sucks sometimes 🫤
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uhm, okay guys, I have something to tell you. I just wrote a second part for hate is a strong word and it's a short one, but the thing is that I'm really doubting if I should publish it because hell, that shit ended bad, real bad. and it wasn't my intention to end it that way, I just started writing and everything was cool and then I got to the end and everything went south, it's like I can't just bring myself out of the angst.
so I have two options: I publish the second part with the possibility that a third part will probably come after a long long time, when everybody forgot about this one shot, or I could just take the chance.
and I don't really know what to do. like maybe the second part isn't really necessary, right? it didn't end that bad in the first one. I mean you could imagine your own finale with that first part. maybe I shouldn't.
aaaa, oh my God.
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ok im finally like a solid 80% of the way through hate is a strong word. its been a rough journey i have to admit, i dont know what happened in this part but its playing with me because sometimes i like it and sometimes i dont, and its harder when i want to meet your expectations and match your support. but i think we're going somewhere! see you guys next time, love u all <3
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