That sad realization that not only did the undiagnosed autism lead to me not realizing my "friends" were actually bullying me the whole time I knew them but I was also unintentionally doing something similar to neurotypical friends because I didn't understand how we thought differently

today I'm mad at jace and Connor. Lately ive been reaching my wits end with them because i havent been liking the way they've been treating me, but i think i was pushed over the edge when Connor started being mean to my boyfriend. Earlier I asked Connor why he wasn’t including my boyfriend in our group calls and he was extremely rude by saying he didnt want him there and that he didnt want to talk to him. I thought they had a good relationship because they were having a good conversation at the party and my boyfriend thinks really highly of Connor so I felt really hurt when i realized that those feelings weren't reciprocated. I really wanted my friends to make an effort to be nice to my boyfriend but lately it feels like they've been shitting on him. Robert and Connor keep telling me my boyfriend is gay or is a twink and they keep making gay jokes about it but its making me uncomfortable. Every time i get mad they just laugh at me and its been really making me mad and sad for my poor boyfriend who has been trying really hard to be their friends. I really hate how they disrespect them like that and ive been expressing how irritated at Connor i am but jace is getting defensive. It makes me mad because they agree with everything Connor says, but when I insult Connor, jace gets mad at me. Its so hypocritical and I'm honestly just done and put up with their double standards. I also cant handle jace’s outbursts anymore. When theyre mad, they take it out on everyone around them, including me, and they never apologize for it. One day, I noticed jace was stressed at work so I asked how they were feeling and they told me to shut up and never ask them a stupid ass question like that ever again. It really hurt my feelings because I was really worried about them, and I know they were stressed but I didnt do anything to them. Even if they were stressed, they were treating their boyfriend kindly and even laughing with him. If you’re so stressed why can you offer connor a bit of kindness and not me? I thought we were suppose to be friends. Thats why I removed jace off of my spam. Im slowly trying to put distance between us because we still work together and I know its gonna be awkward but im just tired of feeling like I did something wrong or being used as a human punching bag. Even now, after I removed jace from my rant account, they immediately messaged me and they were angry. They accused me of venting about them when I wasnt. All I did was post that I didnt like how people were purposely trying to piss me off. The messages they sent made me feel extremely sad and guilty and i ended up ranting to my boyfriend about how sad I feel and I dont want to put that on him. Dealing with jace can be really exhausting and I hate how they put their boyfriends feelings first in front of everyone elses even if he started the fight. I overall just feel extremely sad that if its between me and connor, jace no longer sees me as a friend but as an enemy. Im more upset that jace always takes out their anger on me. They never snap at chloe or Mishi, its always me. I dont understand. Why is it always me that does something wrong? Is it because Jace knows I wont leave even if they hurt my feelings? Im tired of it. All I need is my boyfriend. I wish I could stay friends with mishi and chlo without having to talk to Jace. Im so upset that things turned out this way I even want to cry. I have feelings too. I cant just laugh everything off. I am especially hurt if you make fun of someone I love and care about so much. Im gonna take a break from instagram. 

i had the misfortune of finally watching/getting through what happened in whatever episode where he gets raped so im gonna talk about it and tag it cos that's what a bitch fuckin feels like, got it? i do what i want aint no limit bad ass bitch aint never been timid. woopsie realized i got the nicknames confused oh well lmao

it's just logistically and plot wise like there's literal plot holes in this and i'm taking the production and set-up into account along with the actual content and development. im an ARTIST OKAY im jk i mean i am and i am pretentious and terrible but look. i didnt get that degree and im not in a house worth of debt for nothing ok. it's called writing on tumblr about my grievances of shows that dont matter and do not respect me as a fat black american woman either so it is my fault yet here i am.

anyway it was worse than i imagined and their talk after (with chengren) was even worse. that's what i mean about making the lines their own (the actors) bc teng teng sounded like a straight up motherfucking moron and im like

bECAUSE IT'S HIM EVEN THO IM LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DID U JUST SAY U STUPID BITCH? but then it's like awwww and they also care about his wellbeing obviously??? but no? but it's like ok still teng teng said it even if it's stupid because he is a character and charles puts that forth. the people that fail the most to do that are xing si's family but that's not the actors fault because it's the literal material. you're like wait what but you just said...?

so i know they have no script editors i guess i think i find this season ACTUALLY fascinating because of just how egregious it is. i also went back and watched history: obsessed which i thought i liked because of their chemistry even though god the production....but i tried rewatching it and i was like wow this is worse than i remembered and the production issues were even worse because some of the music was SO LOUD AND BAD HOLY FUCK and their whole rship isssssss a sight to behold lmao

so man i guess it really is the power of anson/charles. which is good cos we love to see it...sort of but also a lot.

i honestly....because i've been able to pay attn more to the aftermath of the rape going back and putting it into more context and focusing (just barely lmao) is hm even worse. the inconsistencies are insane. it's not even just about the act but the writers have zero idea where they are going because they have no interest in exploring it. but the way in which it happens is like fascinating. yong jie literally thinks he owns xing si and it doesn't matter if he was kissing him or not or asked for a kiss on the lips (which dude what the fuck? i'll get to that) because he was plied with "extremely strong drinks" and his mom knew about it....which girl congrats you're an accomplice to the rape of your son by your other son?

but first of all...the kissing thing. in what fucking world would he (xing si) want that unless he thought he (yong jie) was someone else. i can't say their attraction is evident because we are being lead by this team to think so; they create this false sense of sensuality already so to me that signifies that they never intended for them to have a bond as brothers. it just feels cheap and fucking lazy (which it is.) even if he did, which doesn't make sense considering the context THEY CONSTRUCTED, it wouldn't matter because he was so fucking drunk which.... at that point nothing is fun, you feel sick, who wants sex like that? does he not have whiskey dick? did they have a condom? was it not painful for him considering? even if this was something to easily get over like was the dick good? it couldn't have been. and then, on top of that, there's the fact that you can change your mind or whatever but also that people do get aroused in these situations bc it is human nature (that's if they can literally get aroused which if the drinks were allegedly sooooo strong that nigga would be out so....again like even practically here it doesnt add up. have these people ever been drunk? if not, write what you know girl. cos sometimes it's like i think some of u r trying to be cool when u dont have 2 b lmao)

so yong jie coming on to him previously may be seen as like push-and-pull but here's the thing. right after it happens (the rape and it's rape so call it that you'll be okay) xing si gets up and goes home and is terrified and upset. he acts like what we have seen or even felt after a violation. he's scared, clutching his bag, it's like...you know...decently coming off as truly distressing (the actor isn't bad at all and i like that he's dark. i just massively hate this for him but hey at least he can show some chops.) like honestly man that fucking sucks and hurts to see. if we've been there we feel it. or part of it is realizing belatedly what happened. a lot of times that drop in your stomach is the worst.

but somehow for some reason, to which i cannot understand, the three of them begin to talk as if xing si pressured him? which maybe i missed something and that is possible—dont feel like going back to look—but that also made no sense. like what kind of false memory is this? why would he think he wasn't willing? and if he thought yong jie wasn't and that he pressured him how does he remember like...anything about the sex?!?!??!? besides waking up and being with him. like i guess he felt yong jie's MASSIVE DONG imprint but ??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!!!!

god then the logic of the top/bottom thing is like i said i wasnt going to get into it but it's actually really funny. this whole thing was hilarious. honestly because I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS. he could have totally raped him in that way but how did you get to this CONCLUSION FROM THAT??????? BY YOUR LOGIC THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS? IF HE IS THE BOTTOM AND PENETRATION IS THE ONLY FORM OF TRUE CONSUMMATION AND RAPE BECAUSE APPARENTLY, BASED ON ANATOMY, IF YOU HAVE A DICK IN UR BUTT UR A GIRL THEN HOW. DOES. THIS. MAKE. SENSE. AND THEN

AND THEN

AND THEN

AND THEN

this whole stupid conversation happens so we get to the conclusion that xing si violated him ok cool but that means that something is wrong. that is the CONCLUSION WE CAME TO A SECOND AGO?

also the other rapist is a villain and muren isn't in love with him so, once again, you're breaking the rules of your own world about acceptability which is why most of this is absolutely mind bogggglinG that iit's fuckign comical. like i actually when i can stomach it start laughing or my jaw is slack because it's so insulting as a viewer because there is like 0 logical followthrough.

because whatshisface barges in, kisses him in front of his friends without permission, then says whether you were willing or not which is hm. at that point how u gonna change that around but let's not bother with logic here. i am simply here to point out how this makes no sense according to the rules they set up even outside of the basic rule of life which is hm dont rape people maybe.

so now we know xing si was raped, they believe he was raped, he himself believes he was raped, and whatshisface literally says he doesn't care even if he was willing (he wasn't) so he admits to rape. i don't believe in the police and i hate them (BL industry needs the cops but dont get me down that road) but no one...thought to go?

because according to history 4 logic nothing matters so im sure if he went to the police you could handwave the homophobia since there's no actual context for anything besides their whimsy. but they dont want to do that because they aren't interested in an arc of growth; redemption isn't possible unless he is removed from the family but again no work on thinking this through or thinking about the victim's feelings. because gay sex? who fucking knows. supposedly progressive taiwanese writers of gay shit (like how supposedly progressive the world is. as in it is not and this behavior is the norm and bl perpetuates that) can't think of transformative justice?

and then they gave bad advice so we wont acknowledge that because teng teng doing anything wrong/stupid is frequent but hurts me and also that storyline is not real so i pretend they are not there outside of this post

so all of this is just straihgt up clownery now because it's fucking absurd like logically, practically, human-wise. the kissing thing is inconsequential but it was such a lazy cheap way out lmao cos they really wanted it to seem consensual but that's not how it works. on top of that their attraction makes no sense because whatshisface is just there. he is just there. he's nothing and no one so the sentiments are even more empty and on top of that he doesnt listen to a single request fucking obviously because the basis of their relationship is fucking rape so fucking listening and respecting his partner is not on his list of fucking priorities. he's literally so fucking annoying even without being a rapist it's like someone please beat his ass.

and then after all of that you want us to feel bad? with your horrible writing, poorly misplaced music, stupid costumes (those fucking SHOES THEY ARE HIDEOUS, AND MOST OF THIER CLOTHES DO NOT FIT IT'S LIKE WHY), questionable fucking editing. we're supposed to wnat them together? this sounds literally fucking crazy but bear with me lmao even with the rape they could at least have SOMETHING i mean like i cant believe im fucking saaying this. but like in addicted heroin which is fuckin tragic and awful at least there's a MODICUM of interest but honestly that show s a fucknig drag. idk they lookd good together? here we have 0. nothing. and it doesnt motivate. watching obsessed again i can see why i liked it in the beginning bc they have good chemistry but the acting and production adn like everything about it plus the rape-y vibes it's just too much. you need to pick one thing so if you're going to be a shit writer at least supplement it with something. this thing is nothing.

and even more nonsensical and what boggles my mind frankly out of all this is the mother's involvement and the father's final response. there are NO consequences? theyre all happy?

ok so lets go through this:

1. 2 boys grow up 2gether, one of the boys is fucking psycho, the mother knows but does nothing??????????????

2. one of the sons moves out so his father doesn't get a hint that's he's fucking gay. ok fine. he has 2 best friends, a job, an apt. he is fine.

3. aforementioned brother is obsessed with him for SOME REASON besides being crazy?

3.5 no one has done anything during him growing up to help him not be crazy?

4. mom says to husband who is their father also just in case we forget "im afraid he will lose his humanity"

4.5 again, do nothing. 0. just like oh man hes crazy. guess that's just our son ;)

4. who cares. plies him with alcohol purposefully to rape him. not even dubious (even though dubious is fucked and not okay or is just not. fucking real. these shows are contextless when they want to be or even movies or whatever so it's like largely not up to the task to understand complexity in human rships and then oversimplifies it constantly because that's what we do IRL. but people have fucking feelings you know and we realize when things don't feel good or right to us either very quickly after or having to process it. and once you're eyes are opened you may feel as something was fucking ripped away from you. for the modc couple this would be a very logical conclusion for the high schooler the thirty year old dated but again logic or feelings are up to their whimsy. no one cares bc everything can be counted as dubious so honestly it's a fucking stupid fucking topic like again why are we litigating what is and isnt consent when you could just like idk. read cues? consent? wait? not be a freak? like we all know what is proper human shit so even if we are watching this uncritically which u cant bc it's glaring and stupid it's just even more dumb) so it was honestly a rape plot like he literally planned it soooooooooo??!?!

5. aftermath of rape the victim is like literally fucking bereft and confused. and a rape victim. like that's what they are insinuating and what also he is to be clear.

6. boy tells him "idc if i raped u i luv u lmao"

7. mom ENCOURAGED THE BOY to get him drunk because her other son was too nice? she encouraged her adult son to rape her adult step-son (but her real son because she repeatedly says you are my son and the dad does too THEY GREW UP TOGETHER WHEN THE KID WAS IN AN IMPRESSIONABLE STATE) so THIS ALSO MAKES EVEN LESS MOTHERFUCKING SENSE

8. everyone finds out about his rape and he isnt mortified he's just concerned about himself being gay to his dad?????? except it's not really about his gayness bc now it's about his sudden love for his rapist brother? which? hm ok. understandable the dad is like wow i do not think i like this

9. dad knows all of it is fucked up, everyone does, knows the mother fucked up, knows he fucked up. doesnt like it because he is normal. so we know this is terrible? ok great so—

10. father says "i can't accept this...but i'm willing to give you my blessing" ok see here's the thing. when you write you have to think about the things you are putting on the page and what you have written previously. this quite literally made no sense how the fuck are you going to not accept them but give them your blessing? does this crew know what the fuck words are? i'm assuming they went to some sort of school to obtain jobs here bc there cannot be natural talent or experience. maybe most of them are rich. fuck i do not know but this also makes no sense. just the literal logic of it it's like fucking insane the whiplash.

10.5 apparently this father is also shitty. everyone here sucks and they are basically begging me to think xing si is a fucking idiot so i dont even want to look at him if he is an object he doesnt matter so now i want to kick him. thanks a lot you made the victim get absolutely fucking nothing

they KEEP PUSHING the brother thing it is so insane and it's liek GUYS WE GET IT WE UNDERSTAND THEYRE "RELATED" BUT NOT RELATED SO IT'S OK HE WAS "RAPED" BUT NOT RAPED but you're GOING BACK ON YOUR OWN RULES!!!!!!!!!! WE GET THAT THEY ARE BROTHERS!!! WE'RE OVER IT NOW BUT WHAT IS THIS WHEN WE ALREADY ESTABLISHED SOMETHING? I AM CONFUSION? they flip flop between my son, my brother my actual brother, and cannot fucking distinguish between love for your father and love for your romantic partner? so to me what i see is that the father wants to fuck the son. that's the conclusion i am garnering now considering nothing matters and his love for his "brother" is the same as his love for his dad lmao. they couldnt even do that in a way that made sense. like damn anybody can get anything. these ppl who are doing this have to be fucking rich and/or have connections.

also this guy sounds literally like a textbook abuser like he says constantly "im the best choice" is a rapist is awful holds capital (oh hees "saving" smh ur trapping her!!!!! RETIRE!!!!) also wears terrible shoes so i am like ur alllllllllLLLLL FUCKING CRAZY ur all literally crazy and then they are trying to set rules and boundaries in their fucking house like WHY ARE THEY LIVING TOGETHER EVEN? even tho oh my god they know he raped him and for some reason they are both allowing to live in the house but they dont want them to have sex??!?!?!??!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?! i get that this is their house but this is like at this point these ppl are writing anything and now whatshisface is acting like a 2 yr old again and we are supposed to find this cute? like it makes 0 sense why do u fucking care u literally encouraged ur son to rape him so they cant have consensual sex under your nose now and have to wait four years? this is coming from the son who couldnt wait until someone was sober enough to realize hes fucking psychotic and should be killed also the fact that they act like being 20 means u have no fucking brain like this kid is in med school supposedly how do we know like hes a liar and an idiot so. also wait do they mean undergrad? how are you in med school at 20? is he a genius? girl i dont care lmao i guess i missed that but it's not like it matters so whatever

even if we ignore the stupidity of the literal acts, the grossness of the content, the absolute inability to write coherently or even remotely in a way where we would even want to see them together which is like....u set it up at the beginning so he punches "the love his life's best friend" also holy fuck im sorry remember when he punches muren because xing si got too drunk. so i'm guessing whatshisface is that good of a bartender that he makes super strong drinks and gets xing si drunk but his alcohol is magical therefore it doesn't make him sick. his alcohol is the type that gets you drunk but somehow doesnt get to your liver even though that's how we get drunk but dont ask guys he's only in med school and a bartender so i think he knows best (seriously have the main writers had a day of fun in their lives? have they ever been drunk? are they toddlers? drunk babies could probably do better tho.) i get that he was also jealous but if this kid is SOOOOOO genius (he understands social cues lmao he has the cpacity to project onto his victim so im like miss me with the not understanding shit. go to a fucking therapist like seriously did no one care abt this kid? his mother thinks he's like almost a goddamn murderer. how is she not dead? how are they all not dead? how do any of them know how to drive with this type of brain?) then he would understand that they are very clearly friends since he watched them part in a very platonic way and since he apparently knows what love is cos he thinks....he can....make someone fall in love with him bc he loves them? again, i wouldnt know hes 20 and taiwanese and im 29 and black from AMERICA so im WESTERN* so you know. different life experiences i guess XD

even if we do mental gymnastics to get it to a place where they "had sex" and he didnt rape him there's 0 ZERO ZERO ZERO ZERO ties to the literal story they wrote and the rules they set up. i'm going ot assume they dont know wtf theyre doing and i know for a fact we all care more about their dumb show than they do but it's actually startling how piss poor this is it's like idek what to compare it to. the continuity is awful awful awful they needed a script supervisor majorly and they are making bank and are going to make fucking bank fof this shit. and itll just continue like that until IRL material changes and that's facilitated by these very same groups they choose to profit off of and exploit by propelling it into the mainstream and litigating homosexuality through capitalism. and i'm being specific with homosexuality. i dont want a GL market like at all and i know why we wouldnt have it either and that has everything to do with the nature of BL, capitalism, coercion, and the fanbase being young girls and women. i don't think in this day and age we can safely say all the fans are straight; i'm sure a majority but many women or people on the gender spectrum and sexuality spectrum also consume it. frankly, it's possible the women who write it could be or something too. i dont rly believe any1 is str8 lmao but im just saying it's not out of the realm of possibility. but it isnt about that at all. that's why we wont see "good" female characters (like well written) often that's why we won't see trans women or kathoeys or fat people or black asians in it. a lot of it is is a choice we participate in whatever. but holy fuck dude u could at least respect the audience's fucking intelligence. i'm talking about everything i think that is encapsulated in the project but it's even more jarring and worse because it's so insanely inconsistent and poorly done. like how we jump from one conclusion to another is wild to me. even their first "night together" and he wakes up im like girl....u no ur ass felt it. this nigga broke into his house and was like "im gonna have u" like it's getting weird

just make xing si suffer offscreen not us the stupidity is staggering, mind blowing, hilarious.

how wong kar wai, a straight man from HK (or at least married to a woman), or barry jenkins, a striahgt black man, write/do stories well about people they wouldnt knw about their experiences directly is....well thinking like using their brains and like knowing all types of people? the man who co-wrote moonlight is a hOMOSEXUAL, leslie cheung was fucking gay or queer (and he committed suicide and that's important also RIP homie) both are hailed as queer cinema like WKW wanted to do something else and invested time into it, changed the way he played around with structure, moved away from his crime oriented stuff. he THOUGHT about it and this film is about their reality. it's a harsh film, idk how i feel about it (but my fav movies of his are the crime ones or the messy ones where it's clear he didnt write a script lmao fallen angels is one of my fav movies its' abt assassins kinda) but i know it means something. and he didnt like what HK had previously wasnt enough. it is not the only cinema that should be shown since it's such a stark reality and depressing but it is a real depiction so we can have all sorts of stuff. no this isnt WKW level or moonlight level but i know for a fact these people think they are doing something because artists always do i say this as one and someone who is equally as useless. you're making a statement.

i also hate the westerner component of peoples analyses. first of all dont do cultural relativism. we can critique and respect. but second of all how are we going to keep saying "dont put western ideals on this" when that is what is happening anyway because that's part and parcel for soft power and capitalism. how about taiwan's history with the KMT? what about the regimes young people fought about? aided by US imperialism which permeates through society and affects material conditions, views, democracy, identity and that goes into culture and media. hm? what about that? is that reality too fucking western for people? that we are doing the same thing again now? is that okay to talk about or is that only on your time?

then there's the argument that this is just entertainment. yea no shit but the thing is if we r gonna talk about marginalized groups and watch bc of marginalized groups and then be expected to identify then i dont see why i cant put this in context. even if it wasnt fucking serious we'd still judge it. but it's so pompous and again like i wouldnt say EYE think it's art but it is "art" in the literal sense and no self respecting artist would ever go "man this means nothing." of course im not sure if they do respect themselves so hey but u cant just go oh man it's entertainment when it literally rests on the fact that HOMOS are MARGINALIZED. it literally rests on the fact that WOMEN ARE OBJECTS. you either want progress or you dont. i dont understand being so demanding but not beign specific in the demands and not trying to use your brain. if you dont want to use your brain don't. but if you are looking , engaging, and keep making these arguments or telling ppl it doesnt matter whilst complaining about how much others care is hypocritical at best, willfully obtuse at worst. both bad. :)

(also all this + another thing; it is insulting to have this like wedding happen based off of this stupid relationship when people fought so hard and had to push it. now they can use the material conditions to their advantage but it's so ridiculous. also because there is difficulty still in getting married in taiwan i'm honestly like....the boldness of the writers...)

My Hero

Pro Hero! Red Riot x Reader

I havent seen much for Pro Hero Red Riot so I thought Id mine as well give it a shot! This is a rewrite of one of my older fics so I hope its a little better than the last :)

-----------------------------

Genre: Angst (ish) to Fluff

Word Count: 2500+

Warnings: Catcalling, cussing

Summary: When you decide to leave your neglectful date and walk home, your met with a drunken idiot who cant seem to understand the meaning of “No”-until the hero Red Riot comes to save the day.

One Shot

(RULES | MASTERLIST| REQUESTS OPEN!!! :))

Why did I ever think this was going to be fun,” you thought miserably, the chilly night air biting your exposed skin.

Parties were never your “thing”, since nobody really invited you. It wasn’t because you were hated at your school or were an outcast; it was  just you didn’t care to belong to a ‘clique’. You were a roamer, being a friend to anyone who was nice and social enough to talk to you, but you never became to the level of close friends with any of them. So, when you had been invited to go to a house party by one of your guy friends who was a little bit popular, you were more than just a “little” shocked. You were completely confused on why, but you shrugged it off and just decided to go. How bad could it be?

Very bad, more than you had expected, and now you were cursing at yourself for even agreeing to be his date. He decided to take you with a group of his old high school friends, who were the definition of a typical “Popular” group of high school: a bunch of lip glossed cheerleaders and crazy sports fanatics. It would’ve been tolerable to be around such a group if your “date” was polite enough to pay attention to you, but he had ran off to be idiots with all his football buddies, leaving you defenseless with the slightly air headed cheerleaders.

You were seriously itching to rip out your hair from frustration all night.

When two hours of having to deal with high pitch squeals from girls who would laugh at anything the guys would say finally hit, you were thoroughly annoyed and grossed out and wanted to go home. You tracked down your date, told him you were leaving, and walked yourself home, politely declining his offer of driving you home.

You had just passed what looked like another house party, the music pumping through the windows as people came in and out of the house, stumbling and dancing around with no care in the world.

To say you were mad was an understatement. You were exhausted from having to act like you were enjoying yourself so you didnt look like a whiny prick, mad that you had actually used up your money (and was now broke) on a dress and a pair of shoes you’d never wear again, and a little hurt your “date” just left you to fend for yourself with his buddies’ dates all night.

You were so frustrated at yourself and the whole situation, you almost didn’t hear the person behind you.

“Hey hottie, where ya going lookin like that?”

You whipped around, the slurred voice making your blood run cold.

The guy in front of you was definitely intoxicated, his overly gelled hair slicked back, his polo untucked and a red cup in his hand. His face was plastered with such a smug smile, it made you want to cringe from disgust. This guy was a total creep.

“Buzz off,” you gave him a dirty look, mustering your face to look menacing when on the inside you were terrified.

“Playing hard to get, huh, babe? I like that,” the drunken idiot walked closer, his drink sloshing out of the cup and the stink of alcohol and sweat hitting you, making you feel dizzy.

“No,” you walked backwards quickly in fear, “Im trying to get away from you! Now go to back to your party and leave me alone.” You pleaded the last part, wishing you could break out in a run but knew you’d hurt yourself on your shoes. 

He was getting too close for comfort. You could now see clearly the stitching of the emblem on his polo, a bright cherry red. HIs breath was suffocating you, making it harder to breath. You looked around desperately for any way out.

“Why dont you come inside, baby- you’ll definitely want to stay here once your alone with me,” the drunken idiot licked his lips, making you shiver in disgust.

“What the hell!” you gasped in shock, pushing him away from you. “Get the hell away from me you creep!” you yelled, hoping somebody would hear you as you frantically walked backwards, trying a last ditch attempt to shake this creepo off as he drunkenly groped for your arm.

“Whats your deal?!” the man yelled accusingly, as if you were in the wrong and stumbling closer to you. “Why are you being such a bitc-”

“I wouldnt finish that sentence if I were you.”

You looked up quickly, your eyes still wide with terror as you searched for the source of the voice. Your gaze fell upon a boy wearing a plain gray hoodie, with spiky hair as red as a cherry. His eyes were dark, slanted in a mad glare. He looked as if he was going on a night run, and you felt relief flood your body- somebody heard you and was willing to help.

“What the hell dude, mind your own damn business-!” the drunk yelled out in anger, but then he paused, and something strange happened- the man actually looked scared. ‘Wait...I know that hair...your the hero Red Riot, right?” he said with a mix of awe and terror, turning sober for the span of .2 seconds.

“Huh, so you do have a brain? Wouldn’t have guessed that!” he laughed, a feeling of safety warming your body- a Hero was saving you-and a great one at that! You remembered that name instantly- you had seen Red Riot all the time on TV, sporting that signature red, spiky hair everywhere he went. He was always fighting some villain with that amazing Hardening quirk of his, and you had always taken time to admire his costume (and his amazing body). He was pretty young for a hero, around his early 20′s, but was already being described as one of the “Best Debuting Heroes” of that year. 

The drunk man stood there, his groggy mind trying to understand the insult. You took that time to make a run for it- you shoved him again, his drink spilling all over his shirt as you ran towards your savior.

“Dude, what the hell!” he sputtered as he looked down at his now beer soaked shirt.

Red Riot instantly protected you once you got close enough to him, shielding you with his body from the idiot in front of you two. “You gotta admit,” Red Riot said, a laugh spilling out of his lips, “you kinda deserved that. Its not cool to keep pushing on a girl if she says “no”, man.” 

The drunken man’s face turned red from anger and embarrassment. 

“Ya know what, he yelled, “I dont give a damn if your a hero, I’m gonna beat your ass into the ground!”

The drunken idiot threw his cup on the floor, sprinting up to the hero and throwing him a punch aimed for his head.

You gasped, not expecting something so reckless and violent to happen so quickly. Red Riot instantly blocked, though, as if it was a reflex, his hardening quirk making his arm jagged like a mountain cliff.

“Hitting a hero! That wasnt very smart,” Red Riot replied calmly, as if amused. You watched the drunk’s face contort in shock, and then into panic as Red Riot swung a matching punch to his face, knocking him out cold. 

Kirishima looked down at the man in distaste- he hated scumbags like this, who treat others like property and expect rewards for being aggressive. To be honest, he’d loved to do more than just one lousy punch on this idiot but- he was a hero, and heroes didn’t abuse their powers. If he did, he’d be just as bad as this creep.

He sighed, giving one last look to make sure the drunk was breathing and okay-which he was- and turned to the startled girl behind him.

“You alright miss?” Red Riot asked softly, concern in his voice.

You turned sharply, your hair flipping away from your face as you looked up at the hero, your chest hurting from the fear you were feeling moments before.

You looked at him in shock and awe- “You just saved my life,” you stated, the sound of your steady voice surprising you.

He scratched his head, almost looking embarrassed. “Its nothing, really,’ he said quickly, his concern pushing you for an answer. “DId he do anything to you? Are you hurt?”

“A little shaken up,” you said with a weak smile, “but nothing I cant handle.”

“Im sorry you had to deal with that,” he stated, the slight anger in his voice surprising you. “But- is it okay if I can walk you home? I really don’t feel comfortable letting you walk by yourself. The streets are super dangerous at night.”

You laughed sarcastically, trying to ease your nerves and keep the growing pit of emotions at bay. “Yeah, kinda figured that out the hard way.” You paused, thinking the new situation over- you didnt want to walk home by yourself, that was not happening. You felt unsafe, and violated, and the anger and slight embarrassment bubbled in your stomach, threatening to come out in streams across your face. You wanted to forget this, and you felt embarrassed that someone witnessed what just happened, even if it was a person who helped you and you surprisingly felt comfortable around. He seemed like a genuinely good person- someone who would listen to and truly care about someone.“I shouldn’t be embarrassed,” you thought violently to yourself, “it isn’t your fault.” But the feeling of being rejected and then sought after in a disgusting way made you feel crushed, and you couldn’t keep everything in any more. The tears came quietly, then slowly came on harder, the sound of sobbing escaping your mouth.

You willed your tears to go back, to evaporate and leave you, but that, inevitablely, didn’t work. But, surprisingly, the hero didn’t question this. He gently wrapped his arms around you, the soft thin fabric shielding your exposed skin from the cold.

It did feel awkward to hug a stranger at first, but it quickly soothed you.. He didn’t feel so much as a stranger, but an anonymous confidant, a past friend, someone who was easy to be with and be your real self, and not have to pretend that life was great all the time. Sometimes life throws you some curveballs-You just needed someone who a least cared a little bit about how you felt when you got two curveballs in one night.

“You’re safe, I got you. Its not your fault- Youll be okay.”

Your shoulders shook slightly as the tears left your face, the feeling of relievement making you feel much better. As your breathing began to go back to normal pace, you pushed away gently, your now shiny face smiling in embarrassment with a sniffle.

“Are you sure he didnt hurt you? Or do anything to you?” he asked again, his voice filled with care and urgency as he looked into your eyes, searching for an answer. His hands on your shoulders shielded you from the cold, the fabric tickling your skin.

“Yeah, Im okay, what you saw is all he did,” you said, your voice thick from crying. “Im sorry I broke down a little, just-, you sighed, feeling there was no point in keeping your walls up- “ it hasnt been the best night.”

He hugged you again, this time being quicker and harder.

“Dont be sorry for crying, you deserve to. Im just sorry I wasnt here sooner.”

Your heart melted a little for this boy and his big heart. You pushed a piece of hair away from your face, your cheeks a little warmer than the rest of your body.

“No your fine, you didnt know that was happening, Im just so grateful for you helping when you did. I really do mean it when I said you saved my life.”

The hero shuffled, embarrassment yet again evident in his mannerism.

“Just doing my job I guess!” his eyes filled with happiness, the evident blush looking almost comical.

“So- is it alright if I can walk you home?”

You giggled, your stress now alleviated and the look on his face looking so silly it made you feel almost peaceful.

“Of course,” you replied, and you began to walk  alongside him.

You two walked quietly, the soft breeze nipping your skin, but filling your lungs with brisk air, clearing your head. The silence between you two was comfortable as both of you thought deeply. You were going over the events of the night- the feel of betrayal and annoyance, then extreme fear, and relief, and sadness, guilt, happiness- it was so much to process you couldn’t wrap your head around it. But one thing you could think clearly on was the person next to you. You gave him a side eyed glance, staring at his sweatshirt, the toned muscles contouring the sweatshirt. You wish you could know who he was- he seemed sweet and genuine, and not to mention even more handsome in person. But being around him felt peaceful, even for just talking to him for a few moments-the feeling was a little intoxicating.

As Red Riot caught your side eyed glance, the feeling of butterflies filled his stomach. He had just met this girl, but he already knew he liked her. She had a fighter’s spirit, she wasnt hung over the fact that he was a hero and gawking at him like some object- she treated him like a person, not just some hero. She was sweet to him, even though she looked like she just had the crappiest night of her life. And the fact he found her unbelievably pretty made the butterflies fill his stomach with a ticklish feeling.

You two began to start talking a little, slowly becoming more comfortable. You talked about everything, from school to friends to hero work to anything you could think of. By the end, both of you were hurting from laughing and the smiles that were plastered on your faces.

You both reached the front steps of your apartment building, the look of happiness on your face making Kirishima feel great inside. He knew a comfortable walk would make you feel better- it always did for him. But he knew he just met you and he shouldn’t go out of his way so much to help a stranger, but you looked like you needed it. And he had this itching feeling like you deserved something good to happen to you. Everyone does, right?

You looked at him, feeling a rush of butterflies fill your stomach. You had never wanted to get to know someone more so hard in your life. To just know who he was and thank him properly would alleviate the sudden need to know him, not just “Red Riot”. You grabbed your hands tightly, wishing the walk wouldnt ever end.

“Thanks again for  everything,” you smiled warmly, making Red Riot’s stomach bubble with butterflies. 

“Yeah, no problem!” he replied, sadness ebbing into him at the thought of leaving you. His eyes suddenly light up, an idea striking him. 

“Do you by any chance have your phone on you?” he asked sweetly. You gave him a slightly confused look, but nodded, handing him your phone. 

He quietly punched in a few characters in the key pad, and then handed back your phone. You looked down and there was his phone number in your contacts, and his name- “Kirishima.”

“That’s my last name-and- uh- my number,” he chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his neck, “If you never need anything, or want to talk and maybe...go on a date, just-”

“How about tomorrow at 2?” you asked quickly, wanting so badly to meet him again. 

Kirishima was caught completely off guard- in a good way. Electricity flooded his body, as if all his nerves were on everload..

“2 so great! I'll be off tomorrow, so wherever you want to meet, I'll be there!” His smile was so happy and large, you couldn't help but smile back. 

“Thanks again,” you said softly, feeling as if you were in a dream.

Then you did something you wouldn't even expect from yourself- you kissed him on the cheek, before looking one last time at your hero before you closed your front door softly.

“Wait!” Kirishima yelled as he realized something.

“Hm?” you opened the door a crack, your freezing legs hidden behind the warm inside of the door.

“I never got your name!”

You laughed as you realized you never actually did introduce yourself. “Its y/n!”

Kirishima thought your name was beautiful- a pretty name to match a pretty girl. “Well- good night y/n!” You waved goodbye, a smile playing on your lips as you closed your door.

Kirishima looked at your front porch, the spot you kissed still tingling and his heart pounding. He looked at your door in a blissful daze- he couldn’t believe that just happened. A grin spread on his face as he finally turned away from your house, and walked off with a warmth creeping in his chest. A pretty girl he saved kissed him. Well- on his cheek- but still. It was a win for the books.

-----------------------------

Requests open!!!!!

Eremika Fanfic : Remember Me!?

Previous Chapter link- Chapter 3

Chapter: 4

Stirring a spoon in the bowl of stew....Mikasa glances at Eli from the corner of her eyes....from the kitchen.

Eli was being quite than his usual self....like he has that sadness and guilty expression on his face since he woke up from that bad dream of his...

It was night by now....Mikasa is making their dinner while Eli was just sitting in the dining space....staring at the book infront of him...

But Mikasa could clearly see through him....Eli was just lost in somewhere else but had no concentration in the book...

He was just 5 but he was a school going boy too....though he was in nurseries they did have some sort of studies and exams! Eli had a brilliant mind most probably it was because he was half Ackraman too....he is sharp and intelligent even the school authorities knew that....but due to the rumours of him being the child of the last holder of founding titan who almost crushed the whole world ....Eli is treated very differently! Mikasa knew that well but she doesnt care about the people around her....for her , Eli getting adequate knowledge from school matters the most.

Eli came out of his trance as soon as he heard Mikasa calling out his name....

Mikasa placing a bowl of soup infront him- Eli....You seem lost!

Eli stares at his mother shocked but then composes himself- Huh...What?

Mikasa raises her eye brows as she sat opposite him – Hmmm....you seem to be thinking about something else! Cause I dont see you studying for real!

Eli was confused about what to answer....it was true he wasnt actually studying....he was thinking about his dream and that stranger....but he cant let his mom know that!

Eli confidently as he argues back – Mommm....Can you stop overthinking ? Alright? I was....just feeling sleepy okay!

Eli tries to give a fake yawn and acts sleepy in his childish voice - aahhh....I am hungry! M..moomm...Lets get...done with the dinner!

Eli was about to take the empty small bowl and pour the soup into it when Mikasa holds his hand stopping him and says “ You....are Red! It means you are hiding something form me! What is it?”

Eli feels heat travelling through his round cheeks....he started to feel nervous & embarrass at same time.

He shrugs off her hand as he angrily says- Heyyyy Whats The Problem! Seriously? Why do you always suspect me of hiding something!

Mikasa rolls her eyes as she takes her seat- Always? Nope....you rarely hide something from me! Isnt it? Cause you are really bad at hiding anyways...so whatever it is you can tell me...I am your Mom after all!

Eli frowns at Mikasa and was just about to say something but she interrupts “ You can take your time....I am not forcing you Okay! “

Eli stares at his mom a bit stunned while Mikasa continues softly- You think I am just an annoying over protective stupid mother right? I am sorry about that....I just cant stop caring about you (pauses a bit as she stares directly into those green eyes) You are the only one I have now!

Eli could feel the sadness in his mother voice....he feels bad....as he realises he has somewhat made his mom upset! And he feels bad about it now...his mom is not annoying...yeah she kinda gets into his head at times but he loves her!

Eli with guilt ridden eyes and broken voice- Mom I didnt mean to hurt you by any way...

Mikasa looks at Eli a bit stunned as Eli says “ You know I Love You! Please dont say that you are annoying....”

Mikasa sighs seeing those eyes & the puppy face...

He resembles him so much....thinks Mikasa!

Mikasa smiles lightly- So you want to say something?

Eli lowers his eyes....he wasnt really sure about how his mother will react knowing he didnt go to school today rather ran off a bit far away without her ...he never really get the chance to roam around the city like other kids do. He is always stuck in his home, occasionally Mikasa just take him with her to market place...

Fearing his mother's reaction....Eli thinks maybe this isnt the right time....moreover if he actually tells about meeting with a stranger who kind of matches with the person he sees in his dream....his Mom gonna freak out a big time.

Seeing Eli being silent, Mikasa realised he was hesitating....but rather asking him again Mikasa calmly says “ Its Okay...You can tell me some other time! Let's have our dinner!”

Back of the mind, Mikasa was pretty much sure something was wrong....and she needs to find it out! If Eli doesnt tell her, she will find it out by herself!

***********

Walking across the corridor of school, Eli heads for his class...his head was lowered as his gaze was fixed to the ground.

He was completely in guilt mood for still hiding about bunking the school day before.

So today he swore to himself....he will never do that again...

Today he will concentrate only at his studies and wont care about what people tell him...or joke about him...

Eli enters the classroom as he gazes upwards and finds other kids staring at him awkwardly .... same weird looks at him....

His green eyes rolled in a dull way as he heads towards a seat...

He could hear whispers around but this time Eli decided to be unaffected!

Eli was about to take a seat in the 3rd bench when a boy ran to him and pushed him aside while occupying the seat at the same time...

Eli looked at him with a scowling face while that kid simply showed him tounge sticking out...

Eli decided to ignore him as he walked to the last bench and sat there alone with annoyance on his face....while that boy just smirked at him evilly...

Eli sighed, he just doesn't understand why these people are so problematic towards him...

He just shoves off the whole feeling of being hated at that moment before it could take over his mind....just when the teacher entered the class and everyone stood up to show respect including Eli....

*******

The Class got over as the bell rang...it was break time now...

Eli takes his back pack on his back as he starts walking out silently with a tiffin box in his hand. Just when he suddenly tripped off at door making him fall on the ground with thud as the tiffin box slipped of his hand and fell a bit far as it got opened with the sandwich falling out of it...

Eli was completely shocked by the incident as he just kept on laying flat on his chest staring at the falling sandwich on ground which his mother made for him....while the corridor echoed with laughter all around him...

Eli found someone with huge chubby legs standing infront of him as his green eyes travelled upwards to check who it was....

As soon as his eyes met with the huge chubby faced kid , Eli narrowed his eyes at him as the kid opened its big mouth “ Hellooooo....Titan Baby! Whats up ha? Didnt say Hi yet to me??”

Eli sighed heavily as he finally got off from the ground and stood on his feet....ignoring the huge kid infront of him Eli dusts of the dirt from his shirt as he passes by him with his head high....moves ahead to pick up the sandwich and tiffin box.

Watching Eli ignoring him like this surprises the kid, as he immediately kicks away the tiffin box bit far while picking up the sandwich himself.

Eli stares at him shocked as annoyance took over him immediately.

As he turns his hands into fists, Eli hears the kid telling him- Oi, What so hurry? We need to talk....

The huge kid shows the sandwich infront of Eli's face as he speaks sarcastically- Ooowwo Titan Baaby....Are You Hungry ? Want Some?

Eli glares at the kid furiously as he looks upwards at him, while his hands rolled into fists “ Put that sandwich back into my lunch box! “

The kid smirks evilly as he says “ Ah....Ordering me? You stupid little brat! You know what...this sandwich looks yummy and guess what! I want it for myself, you have any problem?”

Eli was completely fuming within himself as he tightens his fists trying to control his rage...while he says in his mind “ Calm down! I should just ignore him....and not react at all! Mom told me these jokers are not worth at all of any kind of reaction! Just calm down”

Eli softens his expression as he says with low but prominent voice “ Listen....kid! Stop these nonsense of yours....it only makes you look like a looser! Give my lunch box with that sandwich into it....I need to hurry okay! I dont have any free time to waste on you “

The kid evilly smiles as he immediately takes bite from sandwich and says while munching “ Yummm....This tastes good! So Titan Boy Your Mom Makes Really Good Stuffs...Ask Her To Make Some More For Me”

Eli was angry now but he needs to control it , without saying a word Eli walks toward his tiffin box and was about to pick it up when that kid stomped his foot over it leading a crack on the box....while Eli gasps in shock hearing the sound of crack...as he glared furiously at that huge kid.

The Kid in disgust “ You....Son Of Monster! ( eating rest of the sandwich) I dont think you need this box anymore as your food is finished and is in my stomach...all you need right now is run off your ass”

Eli green eyes shone brightly as he glared at the kid with rage....Eli's small hands were back to fist but he was trying hard to control his anger...

As the kid went on “ Honestly Why do you even come here? What fun do you get by being insulted everyday ha? Oh wait you actually deserve to get insulted! Thats your birth right “

Hearing this the other kids who were watching this drama for quite some time bursts out laughing....

Eli was damn done with this kid as he clenched his teeth and spoke with sharp dangerous voice “ Shut The Filthy Mouth Of Yours “

The huge kid stopped laughing as he stared at Eli shocked “ O wow! You have guts to talk too...do you even know....”

Eli screams loudly as he interrupts the boy “ SHUT UP DAMN IT “

The kid was shocked now to hear the intensity of Eli's voice....he kept on staring at Eli's rage filled eyes while rest looked at them completely horrified.

Eli while gritting his teeth “ Move your foot away from the box and hand over it to me.... & get lost from my sight! “

The kid was shocked for few moments and then suddenly he started laughing as he says “ Hahaha...What a fire! I mean seriously....no wonder my mom and dad keep on saying that you will be same just like your father when you grow up! A Titan....! “

Before the kid could say anything further....he felt a crushing punch on his chin which felt so hard on him that just made him fall on the ground.

Everyone around them was terrified as they watched Eli swiftly giving a punch on the chin of that chubby kid....

Eli couldn't hold himself back as he barked on the kid who was laying flat on the ground looked at him in shock as blood came out from his teeth “ KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! DONT WANNA HEAR ANOTHER WORD FROM YOU! AND DONT YOU DARE CALL ME A TITAN...I DONT KNOW WHAT IS IT! BUT ALL I KNOW I DONT LIKE THIS WORD AT ALL....UNDERSTOOD”

Saying this Eli kicked hard at one leg of the kid who winced in pain immediately!

Eli picked up his broken Tiffin box and put it in his bag while he could feel all the kids eyes on him in fear....he could simply care less about it...he was about to leave when he felt a punch on his face which made him fall the ground....in return everyone hooted all around in excitement.

Eli looked upward in anger as he found the chubby kid with blood in his mouth staring at him angrily “ Son of a bitch! Dont you have manners while talking to your seniors! How dare you raise your hand on me....I am gonna make you suspend from this school and throw you and your mom out of this town “

Before he could do anything....Eli all of sudden made a move and punched hard straight on the face of the kid....who immediately pushed with such a force and fell hard against a pillar leading him to immediate unconsciousness!

Everyone gasped in horror at the sight....while Eli who still didn't realise the consequences of his act until someone freaked out frighten “ Guys....Why! Why is he not getting up?”

Eli gasped in shock as he came out of his anger and stared at the fallen chubby cheek at far....who was completely motionless at the moment....

Eli was terrified suddenly....while everyone started gawking at him as few kids ran to call the teacher..

Eli walked towards the kid as he said nervously to the people “ He just got hurt badly I guess...nothing much “

He wasnt having any good vibes from this environment around as he spoke infront of the chubby kid who was still not in his senses “ Hey...Wa...Wake Up! Look...this...isnt time to joke! Get....up dude! Others are misunderstanding me! Hey...”

Suddenly Eli heard a kid coming back with someone while saying “ I dont know Sir....I think he is just unconscious or maybe....the way that titan boy punched him....I dont know maybe....he is in more serious condition “

Eli looked around in horror as he heard some saying what if he is dead....

Eli was completely terrified! He needs to go to his mother. As everyone got indulged in whispering Eli took the chance and immediately ran away from that place in opposite direction through the corridor...

*********

It was raining heavily all around....thunders strike in the sky....

A boy with a back pack over his head sitting on the ground behind a huge garbage bin while trying to hide as much as possible from the people around....

A huge thunder strikes as flash of light fell on his face while making him shiver in fear....his green eyes shone in the light of thunder....

Eli was shivering due to cold as well as fear of darkness & people finding him...

Eli in his broken voice “ Mom Save Me”

Suddenly he felt nervous and guilty as he remembered what just happened back in the school....

He didnt intend to hurt anyone so much that will lead to death....period he didnt even want to kill him or something! Was it his fault completely? Did he do wrong by loosing his self control again!

Infact he was pretty sure that bully boy wasnt dead but unconscious but then why wasnt he moving?

Eli started to weep now as he trembled while it started to rain more....

Suddenly Eli found a huge amount of people with torchlight coming in this way....

He gasped loudly and got up from there...

He could hear the voices more close now “ That BASTARD Child! He must be hiding here somewhere! This time we are gonna kill him , cut into pieces and throw him in fire! He is nothing but just like his father....A Murderer! Who knows...what if he also posses titan power!? And then we will kill his mother that bloody Ackraman!"

Eli blinked his eyes in horror “ Mom? No....I wont let them do anything to my mom...I need to get out from here before they catch me”

Eli quickly got up and started to move upwards slowly as the place where he was hiding was bit sloppy....the place was pretty old and much far from his house....most probably no one really lives in this place...Now...

He was hurriedly walking upwards while glancing backwards time to time wondering if they already spot him or not, suddenly he tripped over a pebble and slipped as he winced in pain while falling...

Eli was terrified as he puts hand on his mouth so that no sound comes out...

But he was already late....as he turns around and find those gang of people were now speeding up their pace towards him as one of them falls the light on his face & shouted “ HEY....THATS HIM....”

Eli was scared as he began to shake again in fear, he quickly got up and started running upwards but he couldn't increase his pace as he was slipping up now and then due to heavy raining and his feet fingers were kind of hurting now....

They were quite close to him...Eli was in panic as he was gasping trying to catch breath while running...

Suddenly he got a pull on his arm....before he could react someone pulled him aside swiftly behind the wall of a house...

It was dark inside...

Eli was highly shocked at the sudden action as he couldnt understand what just happened...those people were close, he could hear them...

But he was still in shock that who just pulled him in...he turned his head around and just when the lightening stroke again revealing the face infront of him....

Eli eyes widen as he was about to say something but before that his mouth was forced to shut by a strong hand as Eli started to fidget under the hold in fear while the graspy deep voice wishpers ”SSSSH....CALM DOWN”

Just then both of them could see bunch of silhouettes near by....as the voice says “ Dont say a word....they are hear...”

Eli was completely in shock stage at the moment and was frozen at the spot while his wide green eyes were on the man infront of him...

They could hear those men saying “ Where did he go? “ “ I Saw him I swear...I guess he escaped from here” “ Lets hurry”

They were there for few more minutes...and then left from there hurriedly....

As both of them could hear their foot steps and voice fading away....Eli finally finds the hand away from his mouth as he says in deep manly voice “ Gone! You can breath now....”

Realising he was actually holding his breath for a while now, Eli finally breaths as he starts coughing slightly to get air...

Just then as the reality strikes....Eli widens his eyes and stares at the person infront of him, while he says “ Ah....So We met again? What a coincidence!”

Just then the thunder strikes again and lightening falls on that long hair person....Eli could see the face more clearly....he was none other than that stranger and the person possibly who was in his dreams...

The difference was there were no bandage on his head nor even that cane in his hand like the last time, though his half of the hair was falling on one of his eyes completely...

Eli finally finds his voice as he says in child like voice while trembling a bit “ You....Again?”

Just then the reply comes “ Oh...You can speak....back then I thought you were mute or something “

P.S So How Was This Chapter? Hope you guys enjoyed. Do comment , like & share.

TW: insults towards depression and anxiety, toxic behavior, father/parent mention, trauma discussion, self-harm mention, suicide idealization

just a rant because im just too fucking tired of the bullshit of other sites.

i’ve really taken for granted how non-toxic tumblr is in the nice little corner i’ve tucked myself into. since i’m pretty desperate for money, cause now i think ill just have to live off disability if i can even get it.

I gotta say my mutuals and the people who reblogged my donation post, im so fucking grateful for you and i cant thank you enough. but besides the point, rant.

posted my donation post on twitter and later reddit, like the naive fool i am. the first comment i got on the twitter one was very homophobic and the guy was just an overall creep upon a quick look on his tumblr. i responded to him but immediately deleted it cause i knew thats all he wanted was to make me angry. think i was able to get him banned but fuck if i know.

this is more about the lovely reddit post i got

sigh im not going to bother replying and i just reported them, but i wanted to get out of me all the shit i wanted to say. just, first of all i know trolls and shit just do this to get attention, but this on the fucking r/donate subreddit like??? why isn’t it moderated better?? besides the point

i dont care if you believe my donation post is a scam, whatever, believe what you want and move on. i understand there is a lot of people out there trying to get money they can easily get themselves, instead they take it from goodhearted people.

you need to grow the fuck up. i redirect back at this person because, you spent your time, what? hating on a post that might be a scam. and they regularly do this to from just a quick look. so immature and annoying. this hurts so fucking much to hear too cause it strikes a perfect nerve of trauma.

anxiety and depressions are perfectly valid reasons to not be able to hold down a job. they sound like my fucking dad. i have panic attacks when people raise their voice or if there is too much going on around me, like tvs and crowds and what not.

ive mostly been sleeping lately and cant even make myself do simple physical tasks. not just because of my depression but because of my chronic joint pain that i still haven’t fucking got working medication for yet.

plus i have 472147921 other disorders that i havent been able to get diagnosed or help yet because of my stupid fucking parents. who finally are getting me help after years upon years of having obvious mental issues. ONLY BECAUSE a big argument that my sister had to speak for me in, because i went nonverbal and was hysterically laughing because my dad denying he called me fat.

but yeah i cant even brush my teeth, or shower, the only hygiene habits i have are because if i didnt do them my brain would make me have a panic attack or some intrusive thoughts of self harm.

how is it fucking entitled to ask strangers to donate, H O W? i dont think i deserve this, i dont think that im better then other people, im posting this because others who are in similar/worse situations posting donation posts gave me the confidence to do so.

yes im so entitled to be begging on my hands and knees for money because capitalism and my body and mind are working against me. im not even saying HEY DONATE AND IF YOU DONT DONATE YOU ARE A FUCKING HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. or anything even remotely close to that.

i gave the needed information and background as to why we would need money, and why we struggle to get it ourselves. and asked that people at least share, but there is no obligation to go any of these things.

i know i cant live my entire life on freelance transcription but it is LITERALLY THE ONLY JOB I CAN GET. yeah just simply go out and get a real job, because you can totally form sentences around strangers and dont feel like you are going to throw up from anxiety. its not that hard.

i totally have the endurance to do whatever it is necessary in whatever shitty ass 8 hour shift job i could get, because every step i take doesn’t physically hurt. because after walking too much, my knees wont give out ever, that never happens. because i dont have a fear of failure because my dad totally didn’t get mad at me when i took to long to learn something. i have no trauma related to that at all. im a totally capable human being. 

all of these last two paragraphs are sarcasm btw if that wasn’t obvious

i dont even know what couch sufing on craigslist even is. i had to look it up. how is that advice, how. oh yeah just live on other peoples couches, people you dont even know. thats not dangerous at all like HUH?!?! fuck no. if i wanted to get myself killed id do it myself.

also shelters are totally safe, and never have any issues whatsoever. i didnt ask for fucking advice that was going to make our situation worse you p.o.s.

also i know what im fucking doing, im researching and trying to make the most feasible and realistic plan to leave. even if that is i have freelance transcribing jobs and disability and my sister has whatever job and my so probably in the same boat as me. im not just going to move out without the needed things unless i was kicked out. which, as of the moment, none of us are currently at risk of that, yet.

if it really came down to it where Brutus would need to be rehomed, we’d probably do it. but he means so fucking much to us, we dont want to rehome him because we dont have anyone we can fucking trust to take care of him and we arent just going to give him away to whoever. Brutus and my pets and my sisters are all part of our family, and we aren’t just going to fucking give them away.

whatever, the rage is gone, im tired and i want to cry, this wasn’t posted for attention or anything i just wanted to rant. please dont leave negative comments im not in the goddamned mood.

HOB ch.23-24

FINALLY, i’m back to hob’s universe. i had to stop reading this because university, but now that i’m freaking done with my exams, i can enjoy it as i wanted *^*

aaaaah, i missed xie lian and hua cheng SO MUCH- just look at my beautful san lang taking that strange plant and going to cure his gege’s hand immediately as if that’s the only thing that matters. god, i love him

San Lang didn’t respond, and after applying the powder he let go of Xie Lian’s hand. Xie Lian couldn’t help but think his attitude and this weird atmosphere between the two of them was really off, but didn’t know how to ask about it without sounding weird. This wasn’t something anyone else would notice either and couldn’t possibly understand.

(he just hates you putting yourself in danger for the sake of other people, he waited too much for you, gege! aaaaah they are beautiful, help me-)

EDIT: awkward hualian is making me wanna hug those two, i need them to remain alone and more of san lang protecting his gege 

EDIT 2: THERE IS A FRAKING F A C E IN THE GROUND. WHAT THE HELL. THAT’S CREEPY.

EDIT 3: omg okay, if i already didn’t love san lang, i would fall in love with him right now. he went for a version of that plant that had not been fertilised by humans ‘cause he knew xie lian wouldn’t like it, and that’s so thoughtful and beautiful and i feel blessed. BLESSED.

Ever since Xie Lian had gotten stung by the scorpion snake, San Lang had behaved like this. A couple days ago it was all ge ge this, ge ge that, but now he barely called him ge ge anymore. When they first met, San Lang had avoided his touch and seemed weary of contact with Xie Lian, but that seemed to have gone away after spending so much time together. Now, besides sucking poison and applying herbs, San Lang was once again avoiding touching him, and that made Xie Lian feel weird. He’s not used to this distance.

i am getting so freaking emotional, this is so angsty and bittersweet, i love hearing sl calling him gege, it’s what keeps me alive, so i want them to talk and figure this out pls make it possible please please please-

EDIT 4: 

The mud face replied, “There’s someone amongst you I’ve seen before… fifty to sixty years ago.”

A shiver went down everyone’s back and made their hairs stand.

No mortal in present company should be aged over fifty. That means whoever this person was that was here then was not human.

this is getting creepier by the minute, what the fuck- i love this. I LOVE THIS.

EDIT 5: i think the face is talking about san lang? since, you know, he is a big deal in the demon world and long. HE WON’T HURT ANYONE AS LONG AS THEY DON’T HURT XIE LIAN, CHIIIIILL.

EDIT 6: 

Xie Lian pushed himself off the ground about to walk away before the mud face raised his voice, “Do you really not want to know who it is? He will kill all of you.”

yeah, i think he really is talking about him. though i don’t trust some of the merchants? and a-zhao? mmmmh

EDIT 7: okay, tha face? that face is getting unsettling me so much WHY DO THOSE MERCHANT IDIOTS GET CLOSER??? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEM!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

EDIT 8: what the fUCK DID I JUST READ EWWWWWWWW

Xie Lian grabbed the merchant by his collar and backed up, but the tongue that flew out was freakishly lengthy and barged right into the merchant’s ear!

Xie Lian felt the body in his hold convulse violently, the merchant’s limbs writhed nonstop, and the man let out a short agonizing scream before falling to the ground. That long tongue dug out a large chunk of something bloody from his ear and and brought it back to the mud face’s mouth.

sorry, see you later, i’m gonna throw up-

EDIT 9: 

He was about to attack the repulsive monster when the mud face screamed again, “GENERAL! GENERAL! THEY’RE HERE! THEY’RE HERE!”

A deafening cry more savage than beasts blared in the distance.

YOU ATROCIOUSLY IDIOTIC HUMAN PLANT-----------

EDIT 10:

The massive nine feet man they called ‘general’ seemed to have found the squirming mud face deeply disgusting, and swung his mace towards him, smashing his face into a bloody mess, the teeth of his mace piercing his brains. When he pulled up his mace again, the entire body was pulled out with it, fulfilling his wish of “let me out!”. And the body that was unearth was not a full human body, but a skeleton.

(okay, now i feel... uhm, i feel a bit sad. yeah, sorry annoying-face-in-the-mud, i think i jinxed you?

THAT FACE IS STILL ALIVE WHAT THE HELL. well, “alive” is probably too big of a word, but... *sugh* i am gonna refer to this as the annoying-face-in-the-mud arc from now on.)

The mud face countered immediately, “That wasn’t odd! It was just… a tongue a bit longer than average!”

*hysterical laugh* SERIOUSLY?

EDIT 11:

He said in a small voice, “Don’t worry. If anything happens I will go forward first.”

Xie Lian thought if they must all fall, then he might as well be the first one to check things out. It couldn’t be worse than venomous snakes and beasts, menacing ghosts and demons. He couldn’t die from falling, he couldn’t die from poison, he couldn’t die from bites, and he couldn’t die from getting hit. As long as it wasn’t some pool of corpse dissolving water, his body shouldn’t be damaged too horribly.

NO OKAY? NO. SOMEONE STOPS HIM RIGHT THIS INSTANT I KNOW SAN LANG WON’T ALLOW SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO HAPPEN OR WILL AT LEAST GO WITH HIM OMG why does xie lian talk about himself like that, i hate this, just because you can’t get hurt doesn’t mean you have to care so little for yourself, babe, i love you so much-

EDIT 12: okay, wow, a-zhao went down and i... did not expect that, since i was suspicious of him too, so now i feel guilty. again. ugh. also, that pit sounds even more scary now that, supposedly, a-zhao’s body has been teared apart.

EDIT 13: THE SOLDIERS ARE INSULTING HIM AND I AM GETTING MAD HOW  D A R E  Y O U- also, bitch? you wanna die, you are freaking asking for it-

EDIT 14: 

There was no helping it. Xie Lian was ready to jump if all else fails anyway. Behind him San Lang stepped forward.

Xie Lian’s heart lurched and turned around.

With his arms crossed, the boy was nonchalantly looking over the dark, bottomless pit with an air of intrigue. This wasn’t a good sign, and Xie Lian called out, “San Lang?”

Hearing his call, San Lang looked over and smiled softly, “Don’t worry.”

(WHATEVER YOU ARE GONNA DO, DON’T DO IT. I’M NOT GONNA READ IT SO IT WON’T HAPPEN. I AM FREAKING SCARED BUT- well. san lang won’t get hurt, right? BUT I DON’T WANT HIM TO SUFFER EITHER. just look at this cutie pie smiling at his gege and telling him not to worry i’m done-)

San Lang took another step forward and was teetering dangerously on the edge. Both Xie Lian’s head and heart started pounding, and he called again, “Wait, San Lang, don’t move!”

At such height at the brink, the boy’s red clothes danced in the night breeze. San Lang glanced at him again with a smile, “Don’t be scared.”

“Come back here. Come back here and I won’t be scared.” Xie Lian said.

(THAT LAST SENTENCE. HEAVEN HELPS ME. 

shit shit shIT I’M CRYING OMG THEIR ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL XIE LIAN IS SO WORRIED SINCE HE IS STILL NOT SURE ABOUT HIS IDENTITY AND HE DOESN’T WANT TO RISK IT AND SAN LANG IS SO SOFT AND PROTECTIVE OF HIM GUYS MY HEART IS BEING TEARED APART I WANNA CRY THIS IS TO PRECIOUS HELP)

EDIT 15: XIE LIAN SCREAMING HIS NAME AND JUMPING AFTER HIM ONLY TO BE HELD BACK I AM DYING SO FAST RIGHT NOW

why did no one tell me this was so painfull-

EDIT 16: okay, why is a dead girl throwing them all down-

EDIT 17: 

He thought he was going to crater and flatten like a pancake like many times before when suddenly, in the darkness, there was a flash of silver.

A pair of hands lightly caught him.

Whoever it was caught him perfectly, as if this person was made just to catch him at the bottom. With a hand across his back to grasp his shoulders, another under his knees to support his weight, the dreadful gravity of the fall was dissolved to nothing. Still dazed and confounded from falling at such a height, Xie Lian unconsciously held on tight to that person’s shoulders and called, “San Lang?”

The pit was filled with darkness, nothing could be seen, including the person. But Xie Lian still called that name. The other didn’t respond so Xie Lian patted and squeezed the chest and shoulders just to make sure. “San Lang, is that you?”

(OKAY I AM ALIVE

I am not sure a posses the words to explain how i feel, but even if i knew san lang was gonna catch him (that he was fine), my heart is pounding so hard and i love how strongly xie lian is reacting to him, unconsciously feeling him up to make sure he is fine. i didn’t know it’d be like this, they are gonna be the end of me.)

It took a moment before he heard the boy’s low voice from very close to him, “I’m ok.”

Xie Lian didn’t know why, but this voice was curiously different than before.

(BECAUSE THAT’S HUA CHENG, BABE, AND IT’S HAPPENING? IS SAN LANG FINALLY SHOWING HIS TRUE FORM???? ARE THEY GONNA MEET NOW?!??!?!?!?!!??!?)

Would you rather date someone who had a car or a job? Ehh probably job.

What’s the most important part of a relationship in your opinion? Trust, perhaps?

Have you ever wanted to watch a scary movie with someone JUST to have an excuse to be close to them? Kind of

Be with someone cute and a jerk or ugly and kind? ugly and kind

Name a favorite of each: food, drink, color. Steak, Coke Zero, Gray or black

If you married rich and your spouse gave you $100,000 a week, what would you spend it on? Weekly short vacations. Maybe fly to a city every weekend and go on a shopping spree.

Name a favorite of each: book, movie, tv show. Harry Potter, Robocop, Seinfeld

If your best friend liked your ex, what would you do? I dont have an ex

if you had to choose between being blind or deaf which would you pick? Hmm. Maybe blind. I love art and music but my eyes get me into more trouble than my ears.

Name a LEAST favorite of each: food, drink, color. How boring. Onions, water, yellow

What do you spend most of your money on? Bills

What kind of underwear do you prefer wearing? Boxer briefs

If you were sat on a plane beside your favorite celebrity, what would you do? Probably nothing. Why would they want to talk to me? They’re probably really tired and just want to chill on the ride home. I mean, if I feel brave, maybe I’ll say hi and that I really love their work but that’s about it.

What would you consider to be the biggest insult to yourself? Any... insult?

What are five things you absolutely have to have in your dream house? A kitchen, a bathroom, a bedroom, a ceiling, walls...

If you could be reincarnated as any animal, which would you chose and why? Some kind of bird

What is your biggest pet peeve? Being wrongfully accused

Do you still watch cartoons? Sometimes

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? 80s and 90s comedies

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A cop. An astronaut

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? yeah.

First concert? Flogging Molly, for a big name band. But I went to local shows in school

Tea or coffee? i like both.

Do you think you were well raised? Up until I was a teenager

How do you handle stress? not well. 

Do you hide things well? Not really

If you had to choose between having one family member or 5 of your closest friends die who would you choose? I’d rather not. If I had to... family member. I’ve lost almost all of the good ones already anyway. And my friends are a precious few.

Do you see yourself ever being with someone you’ve been with before? No?

Would you rather live in a tiny apartment with 5 other people or a huge house by yourself that you felt was haunted? Huge house... if I didnt have to keep it up by myself.

How many piercings do you have? 0

Do you see yourself as a “good” person? No. No one is really good or bad. People are people. Everyone has their own ambitions. And a basic desire. People change all the time, nothing is set in stone.

Are your nails painted a dark or light color? N/a

Have you ever order pizza online? yes

What color was the last candle you lit? Cream?

Is there something written on your shirt right now? No

Is there a bookshelf in your room? no.

Do you own a treadmill? nope.

Have you ever signed up for a gym membership? yes.

What color was the last fish you had? Orangey

Is there a garbage can in your room? What color is it? Nah

Have you ever read in the bathtub? No

If you play the sims, do you download custom clothes, hair, etc? I imagine I would

Have you ever put ice cubes in milk? no.

Does your animal sleep with you? N/a

What do you use to remove your makeup at night? N/a

Do you have a favorite TV show that actually isn’t on air anymore Umm maybe. I think most of my favorites are still alive somewhere in TV land

Have you ever bought something off of iTunes? i don’t think so.

Have you ever had to wear a hairnet? nope.

Do you know how many pages the last book you read had? nope.

What day of the week does the laundry usually get done? Saturday

Do you use the Facebook chat often? daily.

Do you have any baby pictures of yourself on your computer? Nah

How many favorites do you have on youtube? hundreds

What channel is the food network? i dont have cable

Do you still write in pencil? sometimes

What brand is your foundation? n/a

What kind was the last chip you ate? Uhh doritos i think

Do you eat onion rings? not often but i love them.

When did you last go to the zoo? years ago

How many cardigans do you own? 1

What is your favorite song to play on guitarhero or rockband? none

What flavor of tea did you last have? Milos

Do you own a robe? yes

What was the last video you added to your favorites on YouTube? An upload of the new Puppet Master movie

Have you ever brushed your teeth and then drank orange juice? yeah

When was the last time you had pancakes or waffles? yesterday

Do you know anyone whose birthday is today? my step-mom

If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? I wouldn't exist so I wouldn't feel anything. That’s an upside. Can you imagine how bad you’d feel if you died? It’s a mercy we dont feel anything after.

Was the last person you texted under 18? no I dont believe any of the people ive texted are under 18

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? like two

Do you like hoodies? yes.

When was the last time you attended a wedding? May?

Have you had alcohol this week? uhhhhhhhh nope actually

What windows are open on your computer right now? You mean tabs? This, FB, another Tumblr, and youtube

Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? yes Is there anything you are craving right now? affection

What’s the last thing you had to eat? rice and beef

Who were the last four people to text you? my dad, my step-mom, a couple friends

Do you have any morbid interests? nothing habitual

Do you know anyone whose birthday is tomorrow? no.

What was the last thing you found that you thought you lost forever? an earbud cover

Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop for the New Year? no

If you have a Twitter, do you use something else besides the computer to update your tweets? nope

Do you like potato salad? Ive never had one I liked

Who was the last person that apologized to you? my bff. It’s funny that I say sorry a lot but I dont hear it very often. only from him. hmm.

Have you ever driven and ended up running out of gas? no

When was the last time you uploaded pictures from your camera? months ago

Did you do the laundry today? yes

What was the reason behind the last time you stayed up all night? wasnt sleepy

Did you straighten or curl your hair last? n/a

Have you ever been off-roading? yes

Was the last number you added to your cell phone a guy’s or girl’s number? a restaurant probably

Do you enjoy being a tease? kind of. not too much.

Have you ever had a UFO sighting or a sighting of strange lights in the sky? nope.

Who was the last person you caught lying to you? eh i dont recall

How old were you when you were first pulled over by the police? umm 19 ish?

Do you have a webcam that’s built into your computer or did it come separately? n/a

Was there ever a time that you lived on an island? I am an island. Shut up, Ben Howard.

Have you ever made a time capsule? I did in school

When was the last time you drank out of a champagne glass? long time ago

What was the last casino you went to? N/a

Does it flood easily where you live? kind of

Let’s start out blunt, have you had sex in the last 12 hours? nope.

Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else? no.

Does anything hurt on you? my foot

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? maybe

Do you look at the keyboard when you type? sometimes

Does it bother you when people respond to you with one word?   not really

Will you be up before 7:00 a.m. tomorrow? yes, many times

Do you like MySpace? i did back when it was popular.

Do you like glitter? its ok

Is there anyone you’d like to apologize to? my mom

What’s the closest thing to you that’s liquid? 

my... pee?

Are your toe nails painted pink? no.

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months? no... I mean, i doubt it? maybe? who knows.

Are you excited for Saturday? I was until I hurt my foot

What are you listening to right now? Game Grumps

What is the most exciting place you have been to this year? Gatlinburg 

The shirt you’re wearing, does anyone else have it? possibly

Are you gonna be home tonight? yes.

Do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you? not if it stops there

Are you easily scared at horror films? not easily

If there was a large spider in the room, what would you say? Depends on how large and what kind

Do you have good memories with old friends? of course. 

How are you feeling right now? in pain

Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired? oh yeah

How many friends do you have that have never smoked? a few

Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don’t talk to anymore? yes.

Are you missing someone? yes.

Did you have a dream last night? probably, i just don’t remember it.

Is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single? of course, as long as they’re single too.

Who did you last talk to on the phone? my dad

Have you held hands with anyone today? no.

Do you drop your phone a lot? nah

Your last ex says they never even liked you. You say? You dont exist?

When was the last time you saw your father? last weekend

Are there certain things that can’t be joked about with you? Hmm. that’s a tough one. I use humor to cope a lot but I always try to remain within certain guidelines around certain people. it’s a lot to keep up with. Me? I can laugh at almost anything. Im pretty numb to most things. It doesnt come from a place of disrespect, but a need to laugh.

Would you say you’re an understanding person? mostly.

How is your life currently? it sucks.

What are you doing tomorrow morning? sleeping

Do you want to see somebody right now? sure.

How many people have you liked in the past 8 months? just the one.

Have you ever done anything illegal? yes

Would you rather spend a whole day with your mom or your dad? mom

What’s currently bothering you? my foot. looming anxiety over possibly being fired. being totally alone.

Have you thought about an ex today? no.

Are any of your friends taller than you? yes.

Did you do anything productive today? yes.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? To relive certain things, maybe. Barry Allen taught me not to fuck with the timeline

Today, did you hug a person you have feelings for? no

Do you wish at 11:11? nah

Are you currently in a relationship? no

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? apparently they are everything

Think of the last person who said “I love you” to you. Do you think they meant it? I guess. 

Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying? yes.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? yes

If you could move somewhere else, would you? Depends but im mostly for it

Has a boy/girl called you babe or baby today? no.

How long were you with your last bf/gf? never

Would you ever let a girl/boy put you through hell and back? probably. im ripe for the abuse.

Have you ever gone out with anyone older than you? no

Do you think you will ever be married? probably not

Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes. that’s life

Is it possible to be single and happy? temporarily

Last time you wore something that didn’t belong to you? idk

Has anything happened in the past month that made you really happy? aside from food, not really. 

What’s something you’ve always wanted to say to your ex? n/a

How much money did you spend today? $0

Are you a rude person? to people who are rude

Would you ever think about painting your ceiling your favorite color? no. 

What’s something you’re excited for? Cyberpunk 2077

Does cuddling freak you out? A little. I dont like not being able to move

What do you think of maxi dresses? idk

What did the last text in your inbox say? From who? my phone’s in the other room...... >_>

What would you do if you saw a guy hit a girl? Call the police.

Have you ever gambled? yes.

Do you use tobacco products? not anymore

Would you ever go a week without showering? only if i had to

Would you ever date someone with a different skin color than you? Yeah

Here's a true story of how two bestfriends, a boy from the East Coast, and a girl from the West Coast, ultimately ended their relationship, because one fell in love with the other. Enjoy. Her name is Lindsey. We met eachother years ago in Shreveport Louisiana. Every day we grew increasingly close to eachother, became bestfriends, and evetually shit got real and we started fooling around, assuming the title "Bestfriends (with benefits)". Details of how we moved to diferent sides of the map are irrelevant, thats a totally diferent story I can provide upon request. Lindsey and I remained very close ever since we separated, even on occasion flying to the other person's city for a visit. We'd book a hotel, toss up the DO NOT DISTURB sign, have incredible dirty sex all over the room, be as loud as we wanted, and let the unfortunate housekeeper worry about the mess when we went out drinking and shopping. We had always crushed on eachother, never at the same time, which is why we never dated. So instead of being frustrated about that predicament, we just fucked we got over it. Around April of 2017, to prevent things from becoming complicated, we came to a mutual agreement to just be friends, no more emotions, no more sex, just friends. It was hard at first, but after several sessions of masturbation a week, i managed to somewhat tame the sexual urges, and disarm the nuclear warhead of sexual frustration in my pants, AKA my penis. Long story short I dealt with the drought, but i digress. In August of 2017, Lindsey made plans to fly to Tampa to see her grandparents for 2 weeks. I lived in Destin at the time so it was 7 or 8 hours away from where I stayed. She asked me to take a few days off to go see her, and ofcourse I did. We were both in a budget, so we made agreed to be simple and made arrangements to just hang out in my hotel room, watch movies, have some drinks, snacks, and catch up, etc. So as planned, towards the end of her trip, I went down there and spent three days with her. Day one, I pick her up from her grandparents' house in the suburbs, take her to my place 10 minutes away, and show her my room. 5 minutes into the evening she decides to start groping me, leading me on, giving me signs that she wants me to fuck her like a rabbit on Methamphetamines. This presents a problem for me. We had a conversation prior to this little vacation about just being platonic, which she is obviously disregarding. What she failed to understand at that moment was, I had made every effort to move on, and get over any feelings I had for her. And I did so successfully. So when presented with hot familiar pussy that Id been craving months before, I was absolutely uninterested for that reason, but also for one more unobvious reason. Small, probably predictable plot twist, I met a girl in mid July named Kelly. Let me be clear, I tell Lindsey almost everything about my life. Everyone has their secrets, but ive always been honest with her. So prior to my trip to Tampa just to keep her informed, I told her about Kelly one day. "Hey, I met this girl, blah blah blah, I dont think it will go anywhere really but, I really like her." She was jealous initially ofcourse, it was to be expected, but we talked it all out and she handled it well and everything was great. Lets get back to the situation in Tampa to see her. Shes groping me and flriting, even straddles me, fishing for me to kiss her and initiate some sticky foreplay. Its slightly awkward for me, because im not very experienced in the rejection department when it comes to getting my dick wet. Im not the prettiest guy in the world, so when a cute girl throws herself at you, you better pull out the fucking catchers gear. I didnt know how to go by letting her down without hurting her feelings, so i just kind of avoided the subject of sex. So when she tried something i just kind of brushed it off and giggled, or joked about about something random. For the most part she caught on with the message, and it was fine at first. But from her behavior, and the more and more she tried to make advances, the more aparent it became that she was actually still interested in me for more than just sex. It doesnt make sense now, but day two I confirmed my theory when she started getting emotional. She randomly started crying and asking me why i wont touch her, or be sweet with her like I used to be. I explained that nothing was wrong with her, its just not what i wanted anymore. After trying to talk her down the entire day, my answers weren't good enough. She was convinced she was doing something wrong, she became really frustrated with herself, and at this moment i am completely unaware to how to help. Eventually I started getting annoyed. She began doing shit that kind of freaked me out. For brief example; we would be relaxing watching a movie, im trying to ignore the bad vibes and help her have some fun. Something funny in the movie would happen, id laugh, look at her to see if SHES laughing, and shed be staring at me with tears on her face trying not to cry. Multiple occassions this occurred. And its fucking awkward. Maybe I was being insensitive, I get it, shes sad, but we both spent money to be there together and i wanted to make the best of it. Fast forward to the 3rd and final day together. We day drink from the morning until maybe 7pm. The advances and emotions persist. The entire afternoon she was severely bipolar, which i expected this but its okay i just want to relax and be drunk. She cried and cried, and then the next few minutes shed be really happy again and dancing, whatever. The entire time I know whats really bothering me, but im too afraid to tell Lindsey how I feel right now. So i hold my tongue and pretend to be okay. I know she remembers i like Kelly, because she kept referencing her. Asking how she was doing, or shed crack jokes about her when i spoke of her. Classic jealousy, completely obvious. Fast forward to around 7 or 8pm of the evening together. We finish day drinking, somewhat sober up, and track down a Texas Roadhouse. We get to our table, order a drink or two, and have a casual conversation while reflecting on the past couple of days. We have an honest conversation about our feelings: "What are we?" "Can we ever truly just be friends?" "Let me tell you what I think." And overall just communicating as friends about the future, and how we can fix this shit hole situation. Finally we actually had a good time together, and it was mutual. It sank in that i was just not interested in her like I used to be, and that we would truly never be together. She still let out a few tears, but like a man i comforted, and we overall enjoyed our last meal together in the same state. Fast forward to the parking lot after dinner, where shit hits the fan. Its relatively empty. I go to the passenger side of my car, open the door for her so she can get in, but we are still engaged in our heart to heart conversation so we end up loitering for awhile. I light up a cigarette, lean back against the car, and she wraps her arms around my torso and just kind of rests there, head on my chest. Ive got one arm around her and one arm free smoking my cigarette. Boom, imagery. We stay like this for a long time as i chain smoke a few cigs, just talking, and finally the conversation somehow shifts to me denying her any sex/affection/intimacy, whatever. This time its okay because she is calm, shes being understanding with every potential controversal thing i have told her over dinner. I believe she can handle this converstaion. She asked me for total honesty, she could tell there was something i didnt want to say to her and it was important she knew what was diferent. She knows i like Kate, but im still a single man, so why am i being so distant with her physically, than i have been in the past. THIS IS WHERE I REALIZE THAT BLUNT HONESTY IS NOT OKAY WHEN ADDRESSING A JEALOUS GIRL WHO IS IN LOVE WITH YOU. I wasn't mean at all, i very calmly and respectively told her exactly what the reason was. I sighed deeply and said "I cant do anything with you, and ive been distant, because all i can think about is Kelly." This may be an outdated reference, but in maybe 1 second, she went from my sweet, calm, understanding bestfriend, to full blown going Jersey Shore on me. She started screaming at me, telling me that she cant believe this, etc etc. Telling me how every time she tried to move on and be with other people, she always felt guilty and cried because even though we werent together, she felt she was cheating on me. And here i am doing the same thing, but im thinking of Kelly, not her. So she put everything i ever did for her in question. Was it truly sincere? Did i ever really care about her? The whole fucking works. During all of this she is sitting on the concrete indian style just ranting relentlessly, and she procedes to get comfortable. I KNOW she plans to dig in for a decent duration because everything that was in her pockets, one by one she starts slamming it on the concrete around her, all in all making a statement to the world that says "fuck everyone and everything." Im a stubborn bastard, so from the time she started flipping out on me, to the time we finally get in the car and leave, like a man, i was still propped up against my car smoking, letting her lay into me with her insults, and ridiculous questions. All i did was stare straight ahead fed up. And I ignored her. She was pissed at me for the obvious reasons, i was pissed at her for freaking out, when all i wanted was to be honest with her. We are adults, let alone we werent even dating, id barely expect this reaction from a distraught girlfriend. But i get it, im the guy, i played with her emotions, now im getting burnt. We finally get in the car, maybe 11p, not once did i say a word to her throughout the whole car ride. At this point im ready to drop her ass back to her grandparents' house so i can check out half a day early from my hotel and drive back to west florida THAT NIGHT. Thats how pissed i am. Im still tipsy, exhausted, but the only thing i want to do is take an 8 hour trip back to my personal bed and sleep all day. But i cant take her to her grandparents' place, she still has some personal belonging in my room. We get back to the room, she climbs in my bed and pouts until she falls asleep. IN MY BED. So what do i do? Ofcourse I refuse to get in bed with her. So after 5 hours of debating on packing up all of her shit for her, waking her up, and taking her home, just like my entire highschool career, i sat at the desk, laid my head down on the table and went to sleep. Woke up that morning at 11, checked out at noon, took her home, still not one word was said to eachother by the way. The first and final words she said to me was "okay drive safe" no goodbye hug, no apologies from either sides, no attempt to fix the situation. She walked past me, i got in my car, backed out of her grandfathers driveway, we looked at eachother one last time, and i drove away. To this day, we still don't speak, the end of a relationship with a girl ive know for a fifth of my life. Love will make you do dumb shit for reasons you cant comprehend. But be careful when you go to tell people how you feel about them. It can really play with their heads and you can lose someone dear to you in the future because you dont know how to keep your mouth shut. Lindsey if you see this, im so sorry.

Chapter 1: It was a long road that brought him here. And like most stories of true love, it all began with a girl. But we'll get to that later. First... The boy. Clark had endured pain. Physical first. For years. What a 2 year old toddler could do to provoke years of anger... Clark still couldn't say. He only remembered that his concept of love was directly connected to deep mistrust and a sincere wish to please the people around him. Sometimes he found the way quickly. He gave his father what he needed and the beating stopped. Sometimes, there was no reason behind it. So the beating didn't stop. Bruises became choke marks. Black eyes became swollen. Cuts became stitches. Lies became commonplace. There was a "happy family narrative." In fact, the entire family could have lost everything if certain people knew. So the burden fell upon the boy, to keep up the lies, to suffer in silence, and to endure the nightmares. All of this shaped how he loved. All of this is important. From age 2 to age 7, Clark was hurt in ways that still affect him today. He remembers those years, especially at night. First, he couldn't sleep. His father would pass the room, see Clark's eyes open, and his imposing shadow moved closer as he entered the room. The door would close. And merciless violence was his punishment. For being awake. Not loud, not even talking. He was not out of bed. He was in bed, as asked, falling to rest... Just not fast enough. The next week he hid under his bed. He knew he wasnt asleep yet. He knew his Dad would see him. If he hid, he couldn't find him. Or maybe he'd see the fear he instilled in his only son and feel shame. The beating that night was one of the worse he had ever received. He learned to fake sleeping. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes not. Sometimes hearing, "Clark. Are you awake?" Was enough to make him shake in fear. This answered the question. His emotions betrayed him. His father knew. He was rewarded with pain. Between 2 and 7, Clark learned something. A fail-safe. The way to stop the physical abuse. He had to cry. Everytime he did, it brought his father out of it. His father would stop. He'd apologize, begging his confused son for forgiveness. What child would refuse their Dad that? But... The sentiment.... "It will never happen again, Clark. I promise, I'll never hit you again." That was a lie. So he knew promises were not for him. And he stopped crying. The abuse got worse. As the rage built within him, desperate to see tears and fear in the eyes of his son, Clark's father was instead met with stoicism. A cold resolve. Emotionless eyes from his son. The beatings would go on for years, but Clark never cried again for his father. Eventually, Clark's mother left his father. His sisters were staying with her. Clark was old enough to make the choice. He still remembers this moment. "My Dad is staying. My mother and sisters are moving. My Dad will be alone. I don't want him to be alone. I choose Dad." Clark's mother cried. How do you explain to your 7 year old son that his empathy was going to be met with abuse? He didn't know it was wrong. He didnt know other sons were loved, not hit. The family never taught him the difference because if he knew, his father's career would have ended. Somehow, his mother convinced Clark that his father would be ok and his little sisters needed him more. And at age 7, Clark moved into a house of kindness, compassion, and patience. And he forgot the abuse. Repressed it. For many years. People asked why Clark didn't make eye contact. Some asked him directly. Guessing correctly. "Were you ever hit, son?" And Clark smiled. "Of course not." And he thought it was the truth. Chapter 2: Clark was popular. He wasn't the best athlete. He did ok. He wasn't the most confident kid. He fought insecurities often. But he was a few other things. He was smart. He devoured books. Watched the news. Thought and asked questions beyond his years. He was nice. His heart was big and he wore it on both sleeves. He was funny. He made kids laugh, adults chuckle, and his sarcastic nature made him see optimism and positivity in the darkest of times. And because of this, people liked him. And Clark liked being liked. Then, Clark felt a new emotion. You may disbelieve it. And the intensity of it can be doubted and debated. But Clark found love at a young age. And it became his everything. This powerful force suddenly became his main focus. Everything in life was in the pursuit of it. He wrote and spoke passionately. He charmed. He wooed. He found all his strengths could be used to win the hearts of the girls he fell for. Jokes made him funny. Poems made him romantic. Kindness made him sensitive. Intelligence made him interesting. But love is complex. And betrayal... Painful. Love was innocent at 7. Losing it was hard at 10. And finding his girlfriends cheating at 13, well. That was devastating. 13. The year his mother and father fought. Thats the year the nightmares started again. Thats the year he remembered. This is where Clark became broken. But... he did survive. And two years later, he met the girl who made him whole. Layla. Chapter 3: Sitting in base housing, Clark listened to the most heinous things being said about his mother. Insults, for no reason. It was too much. His father was mad at her. So he sat his three children down and told them every disgusting nasty thing he thought about her. They went home in tears. Clark felt them welling up, but did not let them fall. He was good at holding back tears. "Mom? Dad said this. And this. It's not true, right?" Then she repeated his infraction. She told her teenage son and daughters about how terrible their father is. Clark ignored it all. He was a cheater. A sex addict. A deviant. Whatever... Clark thought to himself. As though his mother could read his mind, she turned to Clark. "Plus, dont forget all the things he did to you." Clark felt something in the back of his mind. A wall. Cracking. "The bruises. The scars." The wall was shaking, struggling to keep something back. "He used to beat you, Clark." The wall collapsed. "No, he didnt..." Clark said. Then he yelled it. Then he cried. Then he ran. But he was starting to remember. And he would never forget again. The nightmares came. But they were memories. He knew, because he asked each time. "Did he give me a bloody nose?" "Yes." "Did he make me lie at the base picnic?" "...Yes." "Did he come into my room?" "Almost every night..." "AND YOU LET HIM? FOR HOW LONG?" He didn't like the answer. His popularity took a hit. He withdrew. He battled depression. He had trouble socializing. Clark's entire fucking world fell apart. And things were about to get worse. Chapter 4: Its interesting. When you have a strong sense of justice and someone in your family breaks the law. It can disillusion you and make you question your entire perspective. It can drive you away from your family. It can make you leave. Clark left his mother's house and moved in with his father. Clarks father tried to explain the past. "Your Mom tricked me. She said she was on birth control." Gee. I was an accident. Im so sorry. Thanks Dad. I understand now. But there was one thing about his father he knew. His father followed the law. So he stayed. The internet, messaging... It was just becoming a thing. Clark loved computers. He loved the internet. He read. Wrote a lot. And he played Checkers. Online. And he met Barry. A Canadian. They talked about video games. Barry told him about a Romanian born classmate, Alex. Alex started playing Checkers too. He was a computer whiz. In a few days, he taught Clark how to read HTML, make webpages, send documents, download songs, and even IM. It was innocuous the day. Clark logged into MSN messenger. Alex greeted him. Clark was doing homework. Barry joined the room. Then Gabe. Clark was getting overwhelmed. Remembering what his Dad did took away his extroverted side. He was completely shy. Nervous. Doubtful. He didn't know Gabe well. Clark was thinking of an excuse to leave... "Hey, Clark. There's one more person who wants to join. Is that ok?" Alex asked. Clark wanted to say no. To this day, he can't tell you why he didn't. He was a people pleaser. Maybe that's why. "Yeah. Of course." *Layla has joined the chat room*

Yes, i still remember how I was so nervous on the first day of school, and how it was high school and i didnt even fully knew the language, how i was just reovering from nights tearing at my heart because of some silly boy that now i know, didnt deserve me.

I tried to stay neutral as i seated in the first row, and you came in, late as i now know, is usual for you , with a shiny smile, saying hello to everyone and i smiled at you when you looked my way, and it wasnt long before plenty of girls almost ran everyone over just to greet you, and i sank into my seat.

You took a seat just infront of me and some of your friends were on my right, and i remember how the first thing you did was asking me if i was new, even though you already knew the answer, so i guess you have always been kind of awkwward while talking to me and i answered the obvious answer just before you asked my name, while smiling at some laughs from your friends from my right, to which i responded coldly unintentionaly, then you turned around and we had class, and i can promise you i thought over a housand times that i wanted to kil myself because i liked you the very moment i talked to you and i tought i had blown it because of my attitude.

When it was recess time i started tearing up because as always, i was alone and i had sworn to myself i was going to change, but then you came and asked me of i enjoyed being alone or if i would like to join you and your friends, then you introduced yourself and raised your pants to let me see some funny looking socks while saying that you loved those. Some friend of yours had gotten hurt so you asked me to tag along while us three went to the nurse, anotehr friend of yours started talking to me but i was distracted glancing at you every now and then and i am almost a hundred percent sure that she noticed it, hell i am sure as hell everyone did, except you.

We got outside and you started bragginga bout some programme you were in and how you spent i-dont-know-how-many thousands on some club that i didnt even knew the name but it might have been an exclusive one, and now i know that bragging is something you do everytime you feel insecure, and i keep on telling you that it isnt necessary, and you know that i know when you are just making that up.

Ever since that day, i have to admit that i have done everything i can to stay close to you, and even though your friends would rather be blind to it, i know we both know that there was something that clicked between us  but after a year and a half, it still remains silent.

SCENARIO PART TWO

The morning after, i woke up before him and when i looked at him, tangled in the covers, with his hair hitting his eyes, slightly snoring and god i wishes i could have tought how lucky I was to have him, but i couldnt because as much as i wanted to, he wasnt mine, not even a bit. And even tough last night seemed to mean a lot to me, i didnt really know what it meant to him and i wasnt about to ask, we had a fun weekend ahead that i wasnt about to ruin with a question.

I made my way to the kitchen, because of something i was sure, maybe two or three things: 1. He didnt know how to cook 2. He would be hungry all weekend and 3. Since I know how to cook, i wa ssure that was the main reason toa sk me to come along.

I silently cooked some breakfast and laid on the couch waiting for him to wake up, but to my surprise i fell asleep, wishig the cushions were his body and once again i would slep snuggled close to him, maybe if i had the chance i would try to be closer. He slaped my ass to wake me up, something he had lately gotten used to, and i still didnt know if it was a friendly/teasing gesture or more like a subtle way of telling me he would like something else, which was what i did all the time when i slapped his; either way, i raised my middle finger at him, to which he laughed.

He told me that the breakfast fairy had already done something to eat and i glared at him, at which he laughed and told me i would look cute with a fairy costume.

We didnt talk that much during breakfast but he told me he would take a shower and be ready in 20, usually i would understand of him that 20 was about an hour or so, since he was always worried about his looks.

Just after I changed into some clean clothes, he came out in some gray joggers, a white loosey shirt, damp hair and a gorgeous confused face with no shoes on, i joked about him not telling me tht we would go somewhere where no shoes were needed and he fake laughed at me asking me to help himfind his oh-so-expensive tenis shoes, and he was doing it again. Could you blame me for getting mixed signals? 

I knew him well enough to know that bragging for him was a coping mecaanism to when something fell out of his hands, when he was nervous about something and so far i had seen him doing it infront of people he fancied, but not me. not ever since that first day of school.

I suddenly asked about those funny looking socks of his, to which he responded that he didnt wear them anymore and i didnt even asked why, i just said he should, because they made him happy, and that he looked even more gorgeous when happy.

An i wanted to kill myself, yet again.

He stared at me and squinted his eyes a little, but it wanst uncomfortable, since i stared back at him, and i could swear he took a glance at my lips before sighing heavily and looking the other way, after taht he said he would find some other shoes, gave me the keys to his car and told me to wait by the door.

He did have those mood swings every now and then, and everyone, even he knew that there was no one better than me to help him out. But i didnt really know what tod o, i was never the cause of those mood swings, so i did as told.

And i kept asking myself once more. Friends? really? For what we had, describing it as “friends” would be an insult. We were not friends, i knew it, he knew it but neither of us wanted to say a word, both of us were insecure about it.

vent pt2 // aftermath

i just feel the need to put out the rest of it and maybe i can be more at peace

so relating to this post here, it’s been about two weeks. i still think i’m affected by it, judging from me staying in bed for 17 hours and having no motivation to do anything a little more than usual. after a day i posted that vent, one of my acquaintances on league, in that friend group i had told me that the girl, and my old guy friend made a joke about killing myself. it went along the lines of,

girl: “i can imagine her climbing out of the classroom window and nobody would care”

guy: “wouldn’t y’all clap”

girl: “well i would and that’s all that matters”

..yeah. that hit me hard. not only did they said that in a discord call where everybody else in there heard (and laughed apparently) behind my back (one of the people in the call sent me this), but just the fact that they used something that i struggled with as something to joke and hurt me about. sure, sometimes i personally joke about it, but i find it a right that i can joke about since i’m the one that’s going through it. but right there, that’s a joke and an insult and there clearly is no humour to it. i keep thinking of how people always say like, treat others how you want to be treated. i kept thinking of that then. why did they say that when i was the one hurting from that incident days ago? when did they it was a good idea to joke about this behind my back? and other questions and insecurities poured into my mind and i felt so betrayed. personally, no matter i think badly of someone, i wouldn’t actually say or wish harm on them like that. sometimes i’d say like ‘omg i wish he’d go kill himself’ or smth, but that was for dark humour reasons and i never meant it in this kind of way, y’know? and i definitely won’t say it behind someone’s back. so this hurt me a way lot because it was the girl who said this, who had absolutely nothing to do with my ex, added to how i was hurt from her the other day. 

it just made me incredibly broken inside. for them to say this. it’s only been recently that i was talked down due to my mental disorders and here it is, just jokes about my suffering. and the fact that they said it.. like in a classroom? where i’d have 30 other classmates and a teacher? all of them.. would clap? did everyone just want me to end myself? my insecurities ate at me non stop no matter how hard i wanted to hold myself together. but yeah, the day after i went to my vice principal, my school counsellor, talked to her. the school aka her would go talk to the girl because this was unacceptable and bullying and stuff like that. but i was still hurt. i was terrified. the thought that my vp was going to talk to her... what would happen if she just talks more shit behind my back? like ‘omg bella was such a little bitch the vp talked to me today abt this’ or smth like that. that haunted me the whole day at school. my mom and vp talked afterschool, and even though i said that i didnt know if it was a good idea to talk to her, the vp and my mom insisted that she needed to know that it was wrong, and if she says more shit just report it to her again and something will be done.

i went home a little lighter. i still took naps and binge watched cartoons to distract myself from the emptiness and hurt i felt, and that inside made me feel guilty because i should be doing hw and more productive things. cue 11pm on that wednesday night. 

the girl calls me. she’s crying, she’s just saying ‘im sorry’ over and over, but i felt no sympathy or compassion for her. she’s sobbing, telling me that she didn’t understand why she did those things, and that she’s a horrible person for doing and saying those things about me. i kept myself calm and just stayed quiet most of the time. we hung up like over half an hour later. i felt worse. but it calmed me that since she sounded sorry, if the vp talked to her tmr there’s a chance she won’t say shit anymore. but the thing was, i asked her if somebody made her apologise to me, and she said no, but mention my ex showed her my previous tumblr vent and told her she was going to get into trouble with the vp. it made me mad that she might’ve called me up more out of fear than genuine feelings to apologise about how much she hurt me.

in rolls next day, she skipped choir to talk to the vp. apparently she cries again, and we’re called down during first period to talk to each other. she apologies, doesn’t look up to my face, and the vp talks about moving forward. there’s a school trip to santa barbara in two weeks and i wanted to cancel and lose like $1500 bc i couldn’t stand her presence. but now i didn’t cancel for that reason and it’s still happening i guess. but... yeah. everything the ex guy friend said still hurt. everything hurt. the way he let me hurt by myself when we hung out at the cafe, when he talked shit abt me via msg, and adding his two cents to the girl’s joke about me. how mad must he be for me not thanking my ex for a fucking gift that he chose to buy on his own accord to just make me feel like absolutely a worthless piece of trash. all this time i’ve spent since last year ever since i met him. all wasted. there’s so much hurt, from the time he liked me, to times i gave up time to spend with him while i hurt myself from sleep deprivation or emotional energy, to times he let one of his friends just verbally beat me up in front of him. i felt so used. i feel so used. 

so fast forward, everything is done with the girl. we’re not going to be friends anymore, i can handle seeing her at school without being triggered, she’s not going to talk shit about me anymore and i go back to hanging out with my senior friends. the guy? nothing. apparently he feels bad, but not bad enough to say anything to me. i don’t expect anything, it must be humiliating to apologise to a piece of trash like me, lol. i dont know what’s up anymore. i saw him in one of my friend’s snapchat story and i just got triggered and spent a good four hours in bed, lmao. it clearly so hurts as much as i’m trying to put it behind me. the fact that we’re still ‘friends’ on every single piece of social media still allows me to see his presence online and because i’m so sensitive it triggers me.

i just want to feel better. i don’t want to relive all of this hurt everytime i see his name. i don’t want to continue feeling like i dont matter, that my mental disorders are a disability and i’ll never be anything more than a suicidal freak. maybe it is my fault that i’m ‘always doing things for others,’ investing so much time into these these people and end up hurting because i finally see who they are. i... don’t know. i just don’t understand. i don’t want to feel betrayed, hurt, and depressed. i don’t want to feel so much anxiety going outside and talking to people because i don’t feel safe. as much support i get, i only get this support when i ask for it. no one.. really reaches out for me on their own accord, whether it’s when i’m hurting or as a friend. maybe i’m just really alone. whatever. goodnight.

|| Eremika Fanfic: Remember Me!? ||

This is basically continuation from Manga plot with some changes ....you will get to know as story progresses! Do read, share & comment!

Chapter : 1

Just like any day....the sun rose from East making the whole city glow from its heat!

Just like every day everyone is back to their own chores !

Since that day of the new history of Shinganshina or to be more accurate the new Paradis....where there is no more walls, no more eldians & marliyans hatred....it was more like a new Era....Everything has just changed!

People know more about the truth with No Memory Loss....No Misconception Of Titans & Their Existence....Cause Titans Are Just A History Now Which Kids In Their Schools Learn About Their Past Existance!

6 Years....

6 Years Since He Disappeared....Vanished Just Into The Thin Air Just Like That! Leaving her alone once again in this Cruel World! He is known as humanity's Biggest Enemy Now....Who was once recognised as Humanity's Only Hope! But Something Tells Her....His Decision Changed The Whole Prespective! He Actually Changed This World....United Them To Fight Against Him! Sacrificed Himself....For The Cause Of His Own People! No Matter In Which Way But He Succeeded...Even If It Is By Being Cold Hearted Mass Murderer....She knows he was The Saviour, He Was No Monster!

But.....The Sad Part Is He Just Disappeared Like That 6 Years Back After That Rumbling Ended!

No One Noticed Him Since Then Nor His Giantic Titanic Body!

Did he deceive her all again? After making her that promise of returning back alive....wrapping around her that piece of cloth...before going for that final battle against everyone....Did he just die like that after doing so much....not even once meeting her again! Is he actually dead? Where is he? Where is Eren Yeager?

Just like any day....Mikasa starts her day thinking about him....just when her thoughts broke off hearing the powerful scream of her son....shrieking the hell out of her!

“ MOOMMM “

“Ahhh....Heyyy....” says Mikasa shocked watching that little guy running to her hurriedly with a backpack in his hand.

“ MOMMMM! GETTT ME MY FOOD HURRY! I GOTTA BE LATE FOR MY SCHOOL IF YOU JUST KEEP ON SITTING LIKE THAT! I AM HUNGRY” says the little guy with his loud voice.

“ Hush! Cant you speak a bit normally? I mean whats with all these shouting! I am not deaf!” scowls Mikasa as she gets up from the dining table.

The boy simply shrugs- Look Mom! I have no time for this....Alright! I am HUNGGRRYYY!

Ah that pout....thinks Mikasa....his cute little pout always makes her heart melt....and those Green eyes...it just reminds her of him! Thinking about him makes her Sad again!

Mikasa brings a plate full of noodles as she pushes it slightly towards the little devil on the other side of dining table.

The little guy hungrily takes the spoon out of it as he starts rolling the strands of noodles in it....and hurriedly stuffs them in his mouth.

Mikasa stares at her little boy silently observing his every features....his antics were just completely like his dad. Mikasa sighs....only if he was here! Suddenly her eyes fell on a small bruise on his forhead...Mikasa frowned....

When did he got that! Damn....did he just again fight with someone in his school yesterday!

This boy will surely make her crazy....

Mikasa glares at the green eyed little boy who was busy in gulping down his glass of water without noticing his mother's furious glare!

Mikasa in serious tone- Eli.....Look at me!

Eli looks at his mother in confusion as he stops munching his food for a moment...

Eli mumbling – Yes Mom!

Mikasa scowls- What is with that scar on your head!

Eli gasps in shock as he looks else where but not in her eyes....he surely tried to hide that thing by bringing his most of the black hair upto his forehead so that his mother wont notice that scar!

Eli nervously while fidgeting a little as he speaks in his child like voice- Errmm...Its nothing...actually...I fell on the way while returning to home so I guess Got hurt a little!

Mikasa glares- Eli...Shut up! Dont dare you lie to me! Since you got admitted to the school...I have been receiving lots of complain due to your rude behaviour towards children! So dont give me that crap! Did you fight again with someone?

Eli glares back at his mother as he says raising his voice- Rude behaviour? I am not Rude! Its not my fault if those kids of my class bumps into me intentionally just to tease me ! I am not gonna keep my mouth shut if they taunts me by calling me Monster Baby! I am gonna punch their freaking ugly face for calling me that! I had enough of it! I am not weak or Something....

Mikasa scolds him as she raises her voice- Eli! Stop it! If they taunts you....its not necessary for you to reply them back! Stop being impulsive! You cant just beat up people if they tell you something! Learn to control yourself!

Eli tries to defend himself- But...

Mikasa holds his shoulders softly- Eli listen to me!

As Eli stares with his big green eyes, Mikasa with broken voice tells him- Punching someone or beating someone wont prove you strong! I know how it feels but you gonna get adjusted to this! You dont need to start a fight with someone if they say hateful words to you! I know you are strong Eli! But you need to control yourself! Your anger wont do any good....

Eli remains mum as he softly shrugs off his mother's hand....taking his back pack on his back.

Eli calmly- I am done with my breakfast! Bye Mom!

Before Mikasa could say anything, Eli runs out of the house way to his school while Mikasa just whispers watching him running away- Bye! Just dont fall into any trouble Eli! You are the only one I have! I have lost everything in my life....I dont want to loose you!

Mikasa stares at sky scattered with clouds and the sun rays with birds flying...

Mikasa murmers as lone tear escapes from her eyes- Eren....I Wish You Were Here!

***********

Eli has been walking merrily along the way towards his school when he hears someone calling him from behind....

Eli turns around and squeals in happiness seeing the blonde hair guy with that scout uniform- Uncle Arlert!

The blond guy walks hurriedly towards him as he laughs- Its Armin!

Eli rolls eyes- oh yeah its the same thing! Arlert is also your name anyways!

Armin giggle- oh well young man ! Off to school ha? Come I will take you there!

Eli with his head high- No need! I can walk to my school myself!

Armin nods his head gently- ofcourse you can! But I have to make sure you dont fall in any trouble you know....or else your mom will be worried!

Eli frowns as he chirps in his child voice- Wait Mom asked you to follow me!

Armin nods in negetive as he nervously says- No No....Not that lately she is being really worried about you! So I thought to have a check on you....

Eli yells angrily- Heyyyy! What the hell is wrong with everyone damn it! I am not a toddler or something! I dont need anyone! I can look out for myself! I am freaking 5 years! Leave me Alone uncle Arlert ! You have your own daughter....Just look after that pathetic princess of Yours!

Saying this....Eli ran off hurriedly before Armin could follow him any further.

Armin was shocked by his reaction! He wasnt expecting such outburst! He was not told by Mikasa to follow him....he just did it cause he felt he had some responsibility towards his best friend's son after what just happened a week back in his school!

But today this out burst....he just completely reminded of HIM!

It wasnt for first time....Eli was like this anyways since he was born....stubborn & pure brat with that pathetic anger of him but he usually doesnt talk like this with him....he is really fond of his uncle Arlert & his only friend Alina Arlert....his & Annie ‘s daughter! Yes They are no more titan shifters now! That power & the curse got ended 6 years back immediately after the rumbling! They were all normal now....

Alina is 4 now....a year younger than Eli...She still didnt get admission in school yet , most probably after she turns 5....she will also start going to school and accompany Eli too...

But well right now Armin is concerned about Eli sudden outburst....did he get into an argument with Mikasa again in morning! He seemed really pissed off hearing his mother’s name!

He needs to talk to Mikasa right now....

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Eli was breathing heavily as he stops mid way & looks back....damn his little legs are paining now! He just ran a marathon to escape from Armin.

Aaahhh He hates just being lectured every damn time! Nobody just understands him & his point of view! His mom only thinks him of as some brat who doesnt listen to her or something! What she doesnt understand is....Eli is just tired of this daily bully of him in school by calling him some monster's child, Titan baby, illegitimate kid etc etc ! When he tries to explain this to his mom....all she tells him to not react to them! Like how the hell....why wont he react to those carzy bunch of people who simply insults him! Eli's anger just rose thinking about all these! He realises...he just ran off bit too far from his school....in some empty area with less people walking around! The area has some broken houses all around....people dont live here now much! Duh he is in no mood to walk back to his school....missing a day at school wont be any harm ,thinks Eli.

He just notices a bench a bit far.....and walks towards it & sit down!

He wants to be alone from his mother's scoldings and lectures! Eli always wondered why he didnt have a father like every other kid! He has been numerous times taunted about this by some adults in their neighbours! They simply call him Titan Baby & he hate that Word Titan! He doesnt really know what are those but once he heard some students in school talking about it....Titans were some bad ugly creatures who used to be on this land some years back! And Eli understood he was simply called those ugly creature's kid....

Once he dared to ask his mother about his own dad....but didnt get any answer from her instead he made her sad for some unknown reasons. He hates his mom to be sad or to cry! Its true his mom is strict in many ways and over protective too but Eli loves his Mom very much....just only he wishes if only she understood his feelings! Since Eli never questioned his mom about his Dad whom he never met!

Eli was lost in his thoughts as he was swinging his small legs over the bench absent mindedly....when all of a sudden he felt some one was watching him from far....Eli’s eyes travelled up infront of him as he felt alert all of sudden....

He noticed a Silhouette infront of him......on the wall ahead of that old broken house...someone is standing behind HIM!

To be continued.....

Chapter : 2 - click here