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liskantope · 2 months

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I'm generally very fond of Kat Rosenfield and the way she puts her views on her podcast Feminine Chaos, but in one of the most recent episodes, she muses on the question of "is it better to desire or to be desired?" (apparently younger women tended more to prefer the latter, to the slight consternation of both Kat and her podcast partner Phoebe Maltz-Bovy), one of Kat's musings is a little hard for me to know how to digest.

I was thinking about this, maybe too philosophically, and... I think that, to desire things -- I mean, not just people, but to, I don't know, to desire anything, to, like, be able to inculcate that, that feeling inside of you, is to be kind of alive to possibility in a way that is exciting and that makes a person feel like kind of, I don't know, that feels like the fullest expression of your humanity. Whereas, to be desired, I mean, like, that can be nice, you know, in the sense of like, "yeah, I still got it", which is sometimes nice to feel, especially as I am, you know, advancing in middle age. But, I don't know, you're not gonna pay your rent with it, and it's not gonna enrich your life, particularly. All it does is, I mean, I think, in like the worst cases, foment a certain amount of anxiety, because like, you know, what happens when people stop desiring you, if like, if that's the better thing, it's got an expiration date on it. Whereas, desire, you can want stuff your entire life.

This is a blend of two sharply distinct elements for me. Firstly, her attitude about being desired not having much effect on one's life strikes me as reaching over-the-top levels of insensitivity to what un-partnered not-super-conventionally-attractive people have to think about -- it feels to me like an expression of (somewhat gender-tinted) "attractiveness privilege" if you will (Kat Rosenfield is, um, quite gorgeous by my lights and probably to many others as well). Seriously, being desired "doesn't pay the rent"?! (Arguably it reflects a more general sort of privilege -- Rosenfield long before 40 has established a great, fulfilling career, is happily married, and owns a decently nice home for instance -- that makes it hard to remember that desiring relatively basic things one doesn't have or feel particularly hopeful about getting can be a quite painful form of "wanting stuff".)

But it's so over-the-top that I feel fairly sure there's a much more charitable way to understand what she was getting at, that she was considering the question in a very contextual frame of mind and would probably immediately understand my (surely much more common-sense) point of view if it were put in front of her (which Phoebe did not do) and she were forced to be a little less, as she acknowledged, philosophical. At least, I'd like to think?

The other salient aspect of the above quote for me is that it includes a really beautiful take on what it means to desire, whose general terms have more and more reflected my thoughts as I get older. I honestly think the capacity to desire and the capacity to be desired are equally important in their own ways, and a lot of the importance of the former was encapsulated eloquently in Kat's explanation. And I feel somewhat of a bitterness about the value of being able to desire, a smaller version of the bitterness I feel about the value of being desired: I am becoming very concerned as of late that I no longer have the capacity to be strongly attracted to anyone romantically (or maybe even sexually), and I find that kind of terrifying actually.

#kat rosenfield #feminine chaos #attractiveness #the p word #romantic attraction #still don't think i'd call myself anything close to asexual though #btw the two capacities are strongly linked ime #feeling desirable helps one to feel desire for many i suspect

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our-aroace-experience · 4 months

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this happened a few months ago but I want to tell someone who wasn't involved in the situation (to get an opinion on it)

okay so something to know about me is that even before I realised I was aroace I was very openly touchy and emotional/empathetic, this has led to me saying and/or doing things that people consider flirting but I'm actually not.

I'm like this with all of my close friends (that I'm comfortable doing so with) and so when I did it with this one friend of mine (let's call them Rhino) I didn't think anything of it.

what eventually happened is I got more and more comfortable with them and my so called "flirting" got more intense. For example I'd call them baby girl, or say they were cute, things like that.

Then time comes around to a birthday party at one of my friends houses, they come too (even though they weren't invited apparently, which is already a red flag) and we get there. I have fun hanging out with everyone, but occasionally I'll drop a "how you doing baby girl" to them (btw they're a non binary lesbian) and then I'd tell them to sit next to me on an obviously small chair- those types of things.

I stay over that night, the friend is aroace, they have 2 of their friends I don't know that well (but I got to know them and they were pretty chill, I liked them). For context I'm already out as asexual, was currently going with pan at the time, but I was doubting myself and having a sexuality crisis.

During the sleepover we watched beetlejuice, in which I was messaging my friend about how I was feeling with all that, they talked me through it, I realised I was aromantic.

I tell 2 of my aroace friends that I'm aroace, as well as my childhood best friend (who I tell literally everything). Next day I'm at school, and I'm telling everyone how I'm aroace, and that I finally found a label that completely feels right.

Rhino is talking to aroace friend about how they're mean to their crush and all that, but how they think they should confess. I'm either ears reach of course and I think to myself:

"imagine how funny it'd be if that were me"

let's just say it was not very funny.

Rhino pulls me aside and basically confesses their love for me, and this is basically how that conversation went:

"ah- well... uhm.. I'm aroace-"

"I know"

"Well then"

then they walked away

I hear from aroace friend RECENTLY (they didnt realise i wasn't aware of this), that Rhino was told I was aroace, and decided to confess anyway. Also when aroace friend said they wouldn't have a chance with me because I was aroace, Rhino's friend said "don't crush Rhino's heart like that" and stuff along those lines.

Aroace friend, childhood best friend and I all agreed that Rhino was being pretty aphobic.

I just want to know if people also think this is really wrong or if it's just my stupid adhd brain :")

thanks for letting me talk about this- really needed to get it off of my chest

it sounds to me like they were being aphobic, since they already knew you were aroace, and they disregarded it. of course it’s always possible they thought you might still be interested in dating, as some aroaces are, and they could have misinterpreted your friendly flirting for being serious. overall i’d say it’s a pretty complicated situation, and it might be best to have a conversation with them about it. either way congrats on figuring out your identity and coming out!

#our aroace experience #aroace asks #aromantic #asexual #aroace #ace #aro pride #aro #ace pride #long post #questions #advice

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asexualaromanticblog · 6 months

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Before Realising My AroAce Sexuality

I want to make one thing very clear before anyone starts reading. Though I identify as being asexual and aromantic, I can only talk about my own story because it is the only one I really understand. And I know that all of us have a different story. We all walk a different path. We all react differently to the obstacles placed in out way. But I can only talk about myself and how I, and some people I know who are also aro-ace, have been affected by their sexuality. I hope sharing my story, as well as my opinions and advice is of any use to you.

I also want all my readers to feel free about contacting me if they want their story to be published or simply understood, EVEN IF YOU AREN'T AROMANTIC OR ASEXUAL YOURSELVES. I will handle everything which any of you send me with the utmost discretion and to the word referring to your wishes.

I am a British demigirl teenager of 14 years of age who has been living in Spain since the young age of about 4 or 5. I am currently undergoing my freshman year of highschool. The presence of the doubt that I was asexual always dug at the back of my mind, but I liked to think I wasn't. I was SCARED: I didn't want to be lonely for the rest of my life. In fact, I was obsessed with the idea that I would find love eventually.

I realised I didn't like boys or men when I was about 10 or 11 years old. I simply did not feel romantically attracted by them at all. Yes, I found some boys attractive, and some actors too, but I found I was not able to form romantic attractions towards them. What's more, the people who I had previously 'liked' (obvoiusly I was like 11 so never anything truly serious) had always been very good friends of mine. Such close friends that our friendship almost seemed like the celibate and completely nonsexual relationships the popular kids were forming between each other.

I knew that gay people existed. I'd never been against it. From the moment I realised being gay was a THING, I'd supported it, even if I didn't feel that way myself.

So I went and thought: hmmm... I don't like guys. That must mean I like girls. Now, what girl do I like?

So I found a pretty girl, VERY popular (actually, I remember quite clearly her name was Inés). And I decided I had a crush on her.

Then, 7th grade, I changed schools. And I lost contact with all my friends (including Inés). I found a girl, a Russian called Maria, and decided I liked her. We dated, some months later. But we never DID anything. Max was holding hands or kissing each others cheeks. Then we broke up on rather bad terms., Even now, almost a year and a half later, we don't talk. I was in the same room as her for 15 mins and has an anxiety attack. I must admit, I hold a massive amount of trauma from that relationship still.

I had never made out with anyone and never really felt the need to, even though by 8th grade most of my friends had. I felt like I fancied another of my friends, Sarah, but when I confessed my feelings I got rejected. I was not too sore about it, surprisingly. I felt more like my pride was hurt than that my heart was broken.

And then, something magical happened.

In June of 2023, at 14 years of age, I watched Heartstopper in a day with a friend.

I fell in love with it.

And then, on the 3rd of August, when season 2 was released, I watched the entirety of it at night on my phone. And that was when I discovered asexuality.

More later!

Subscribe if you want more!

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acespec-ed · 2 years

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Is it okay to tell people I'm ace even if I'm not sure?

I've been wondering what I am for a while. I used to call myself a sex repulsed allo but now I think I might be a sex ambivalent gray ace. I told my friends "I might be ace" a while ago even though I wasn't sure and now they all think I'm "asexual". Like I said, I'm still not sure but I don't want to have sex right now and I'm not sure if I will so I don't feel like there's a point in correcting them - especially since they accepted the label so easily. If anything changes, I can always change my label later on right?

(note: I am never, in a million years telling my family in case they think it's a mental illness.)

You can choose to do whatever you're most comfortable with! If I was in your position though, I'd mention the "not sure" part. Because if you figure out you're not ace, it'll be easier to tell them it turned out you weren't. It's too late for that though, so whether you want to correct yourself is up to you. If you don't see a point in correcting them, you don't have to. If it were me, depending on how close I am to the person, I would wait for the topic to come up again and, depending on my mood, correct myself then. But it really comes down to what you want them to know. I don't know your friends, but if they accepted you being ace easily, I don't see why they would have a problem with you switching labels later on. A lot of people do. I wouldn't be surprised if one of your friends changes their label(s) at some point. It's common, and there's nothing wrong with doing so. 💜

#asks

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smol-nevi · 3 years

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I don't generally make this kind of thing a habit, but I think if you happen to be on the Crystal RP Discord, aka @crystal-rp-ffxiv, you should probably be aware of this kind of behavior, so here goes.

If you're on Crystal RP and the admin team decides they don't like you, you're going to be living under a microscope while they wait for you to mess up, if not bait you, probably while making up conspiracies about you as well. As for how I know this, I was a moderator for about a week's duration and saw it first-hand.

Unapologetically lengthy post. Receipts in the link above, long version below the cut.

From the first time I looked in the mod chat I knew something was wrong. I read backwards in the channel, thinking I'd acclimate myself and see what kind of rules precedents had been set and that sort of thing. I mostly just found out that they had it out for a particular member (at the time using the name Jericho) for not much reason. They'd spent a troubling amount of time over the past few months watching him and another member like vultures, believing them to be the same person and waiting for them to make some kind of mistake that would justify banning both of them...despite keeping different schedules, having different personalities and typing habits, and visibly being two different people. The admin team had come to the conclusion that Jericho was a troll who wanted to make them look bad, and anything he said or did was scrutinized to a ridiculous degree for evidence that would corroborate their belief.

Except none of the things they believed at all were true: he'd had a minor argument via DM with the head admin Benjimir Thursby's wife, Tessariel Aerlinn, who had made an overly broad statement about anime and Asian culture. Jericho had told her that overgeneralization about 'Asian culture' is potentially racist, and she became extremely angry, saying that because she's Asian, she can't be racist against Asians. After that, it seemed that Jericho was considered fair game for whatever retaliatory actions the two of them could justify.

Even a cursory glance at actual racism in Asia pokes Tessariel's statement entirely full of holes, and having personally read the conversation I didn't see anything actually inaccurate in his statement even if she believed it didn't apply to her. I asked what he had done that would merit such a response, because it felt very disproportionate to anything I'd ever seen him do publicly, and that was what I was told. The exchange via DMs had been screencapped and kept in a channel for evidence, and while I didn't get a copy of it, I did read it, and I said that I thought it sounded awfully one-sided and punitive and would have been much better as an actual conversation. I also expressed that I was concerned how much of the channel had been solely devoted to what was basically a witch hunt, considering that some of the server members had over the course of the past couple of months commented that the admins' behavior towards Jericho seemed biased.

I basically got a pat on the head and told that my opinion was "valued" but wrong. This would happen a lot over the course of the week.

Shit continued to escalate. Their favorite punching bag, who was acutely aware of the grudge by now and probably trying to be nice and discuss something that he thought they could all talk about, brought up some articles that stated that LOTRO might be having a graphical overhaul. This actually ended in him being put into some kind of time-out mute, because "everyone knows those articles are debunked already" despite them still being hosted on reputable games news sites. Back-channel, the admin consensus was that he was in fact trying to bait Benjimir and Tessariel into somehow looking stupid in public, because [paraphrasing] 'he knows how important LOTRO is to them.'

Benjimir in fact went off publicly about how he knows the dev team and they sent him 'personalized swag' for 'being himself' and that everyone should just listen to him because he's right. Someone else made a reasonable request for sources on statements that Benjimir made about the LOTRO improvements not happening, and they immediately became the team's private #2 punching bag.

The whole time I reiterated that this was really uncomfortable and I had serious concerns about the way they were handling Jericho. And as always I received a pat on the head and was told to not worry about it, there were really good reasons for it, really. He was 'bringing down the quality of discourse' on the server somehow. Benjimir decided that the only way he would unmute Jericho is if Jericho talked directly to him, and that Jericho tried to talk to any of the more level-headed members of the team first was taken as obvious evidence that he wanted to evade rules and create problems. I asked when we planned to unmute him, and Tessariel immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had messaged me, which wasn't incorrect but the way she worded it felt highly accusatory and I was beginning to feel that I was also in trouble somehow for not agreeing with the rest of the team.

Things came to a head quickly when I woke up and looked at the mod chat and they were having an animated conversation that started with Benjimir asking if it was 'bad that he was laughing at Jericho' and most of the rest of the team talking about how he was stupid, uninformed, a troll, etc. for the sin of having some misgivings about cryptocurrency, of all the things. One of the mods self-described their behavior as bullying. I said that this was extremely unprofessional and that I thought they should keep conversation to actual moderation matters, and if they had a personal disagreement with a server member they should handle it in a personal venue, not via official server moderation channels.

I was, for the final time, patted on the head, and told that this was not something they would consider, because the moderation team 'needs to be able to vent for their mental health' (never mind that the job was not stressful except for the rest of the team committing worse behavior than the server members) and that maybe I was in fact too sensitive for the job. Benjimir heavily implied that I had become too close to Jericho and was being manipulated, managed to misgender me somehow despite my having used solely male or neutral pronouns the entire time I'd been on the server, and after relating a story in which a couple of years ago a well-liked moderator left after having the same complaints as I did (which he saw nothing at all troubling about), suggested that I should be demoted to babysitting the lore channel.

So I took some time to collect receipts, which are linked at the top of the post, and told him where to shove it.

Since that time, things have actually somehow gotten worse on Crystal RP. Benjimir posted an entire page screed vaguely talking about "rampant negativity" that stated anyone with questions should DM him.

Upon DMing him with questions, Jericho was banned, the only reason given being that he was a 'poor fit' for the server in some vague way. I was immediately banned afterwards for calling out this decision as being driven by a personal vendetta in the feedback channel and let him know afterwards via DMs in no uncertain terms that I had logged everything I needed and would be building my case (and that he is an asshole). Jericho was reinstated, though I'm not sure what the conditions of his return were as that was after my ban and I didn't ask since I didn't want to stress him out further. Benjimir also reprimanded someone for discussing asexuality, stating in a DM to them that the conversation was somehow ERP related. I called him out on this via DM as well. Tessariel was not much later caught posting my last DMs to Benjimir in an entirely unrelated server, though she didn't include the part after that where I brought up his aphobia (during Pride Month, in a server with a rainbow icon no less). Benjimir for some reason decided to suddenly start following my FC's Tumblr well after our falling-out.

And as of today (6/24), Crystal RP now has seven pages of draconian rules, because it wasn't micromanaged hard enough before or something. Notably, a lot of these rules describe behaviors that they wanted to punish Jericho for but couldn't at the time justify, or that they'd like to punish me for but have nothing they can do to me. Or they exist to justify their own behavior, as now seen in the very beginning of the channel:

"This approach also provides our volunteers with leeway to act in good faith without the burden befitting a professional occupation."

"So we afford them the means to speak openly, vent, lament, candidly and yes, sometimes crassly and raw about everything and one."

Not only did they behave unprofessionally and shit-talk before, they have now encoded in the rules that this is acceptable and even good moderator behavior, because they saw someone else do it so it's fine (a lot of this wording is very similar to what I was told when I protested it). So rather than address anything I ever said past or present, Benjimir is choosing to double down and giving himself and his team explicit permission to be shitty, right in the opening paragraphs where you'd have expected a mission statement or at least some sort of welcome.

Which is about all you need to know about that server and its owners, in my estimation. I'd considered not even posting to Tumblr about it, but given that it's only getting worse, I think it should be generally known that this is how you can expect to potentially be treated.

#FFXIV #FFXIV RP #Crystal Data Center #Crystal RP #Balmung RP #Mateus RP #on one hand it's drama on the other I can and will call a spade a spade or in this case a douchebag a douchebag #this shouldn't be surprising to anyone who knows me even a little

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